My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 372: Face 2 Face: Sock-Based Target Crimes

Episode Date: September 18, 2017

Here's another one of our live shows from our recent tour of America's most Northeastern reaches -- this time from the Wilbur in Boston! This was our first of two shows that night, which is good, because this is before things went way, way off the rails.

Hello and welcome to 99% Visible. I'm Roman Marz. Hi, welcome to my brother's face. Those are the guns he has on every episode that he shoots. Facts, facts. Time to hit this story with the fact cannon. Then he has like a salient point. Can you introduce the fucking show? I'm dying. Hello and welcome to my brother, my brother, me, and advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin Tyler McElroy. And I'm Travis Patrick McElroy.

Your middle is brother. And I'm your sweet baby brother and 30 under 30 media luminary Griffin McElroy. There are people, there are people who work at these theaters who hear me say that every night and must think I'm the biggest dong in the world. I have been listening to you all for according to our clock here three minutes and I have some breaking news. They horny for this one. Apparently, y'all horny for this one or what? I am horny for this one. This is the first. It sounds weird when you're okay. Listen, stop.

Any time I talk about being horny. There was a lot of people go horniness last night. If people don't cheer after that, it gets weird so fast. It gets very strange very quickly. I don't know why it feels more normal to describe other people's level of hornyness rather than your own. If I say, y'all horny. Yeah, that's good. But if I announce I'm horny.

See, but you felt it though, right? You wanted to laugh, but you definitely were like, okay, I did pay for these tickets. Y'all good in the seats? We were a little tripped out and we saw some of the seats facing each other. Please feel welcome. It's become dinner theater. So welcome to direct them at us. So this is my brother, my brother, me. It's an advice show for the margin era. And we take your questions and turn them alchemy-like into wisdom.

Before we get started. Did we not get started? Okay. On this tour, the first two shows we brought, Justin and I had our wives and various and sundered children with us. And tonight it's just Griffin, Justin and I. And so we decided to really party like three bachelors loose on the town. By which I mean as soon as we got here, Griffin set up his PlayStation 4 and we played Destiny 2. Yeah.

And no way, it gets fucking nastier. Because we ordered some Thai food from Seamless that took longer than we thought it would. And we had to bring it to the theater and eat it in our dressing rooms. Yeah. Rachel and Henry are back at home, but you all brought your families with me. And I brought a very special family member who is my best friend Crash Bandicoot. Y'all gave me so much guff because I've lugged my PlayStation 4 with me across like three state lines at this point. And they made me take it out of my bag at the airport and I wasn't ready for that.

And when I opened up my bag to fetch the PS4 out of it, there was what I could qualify as an underwear explosion. Which is also what happens every time Griffin eats buffalo wings. Yes. But then I set it up in the hotel and Justin was like, hey, can I play some Destiny 2? I was like, who's laughing now? And Crash Bandicoot appeared on the screen. He said, no, fuck you, Justin. Griffin was being really weird.

Travis and I just had small bags, but we checked them because Travis was already checking one. So I figured, this is fucking boring anyway. Griffin wouldn't check his and we couldn't hear why. Just crushes in it. Yeah, exactly. That's what we figured out eventually is like his precious PS4. He'd rather just slam it into an overhead compartment in a rush. Should we get busy?

Let's get to the meat of the thing. Now, before I read this first question, some context is important. This is a question that was sent specifically for this show on September 10th. Are you supposed to tip Christmas carolers? Now... Are you here? Name on that one? No.

No. Are you here? Apparently, they don't care that much. So there's two options. Option one is your life is very fucking chill. Yeah, you have the coolest life ever. This is the thing that you're aware of. This is like number 74,210 on my list, ranking in well below climate change.

Yeah. The other option is you care about this a lot. You really care what carolers think of you. Well, because there's a possibility. I think it's easy to assume that this is like was I supposed to tip them. But it's also possible that the concern might have been I did tip them and they were really weird about that. Yeah. Or that the carolers are still there.

Like I say, there are like five skeletons holding out long ago melted candles and just a skeletal poem. I'll stretch like, ah shit, stay right there. I know who can help me with this one. That's a great point, Travis. If you're worried, if you have so little to worry about that you're thinking in advance about whether or not you should tip Christmas carolers, I cannot relate to you at all. If nine months after the fact you're still obsessing about the fact whether or not you did the right thing or not, welcome home.

You found your podcast. We're your correct. Sometimes I will years later wake up in a cold sweat like, oh no, I said this and I meant that. Shit! I said you also enjoy your flight to the cab track. That one felt relevant. We're dancing around it because I think none of us really want to address the question here. Because I don't know.

Well, I actually do know the answer to this. Isn't it a pudding based economy that they have? So I took one of my collegiate classes. Oh God, here we go. Here we go. I went to college. Fucking college boy. Always rubbing it in.

Mom, Paul, we had minus in one of us. That's all we hear about now. College. What happened on the quad? In this history class, it was pretty civil war history. We did a course on the war on Christmas. God, this is boring as college was. Thank you for recreating the experience.

I'm getting there. The actual war on Christmas back when Christmas was outlawed in America for a while. Okay, hold on. Because now I'm in. You're back in. Because for a while, Christmas is all about just getting drunk and like fucking raging. And so the church outlawed Christmas. And then they brought it back.

It was a very, it was like new Christmas. That was very family positive. But you used to be the caroling. They would literally go to the door to door and demand money and food and gifts from you. And wussle. And if you didn't deliver it, they would storm into your house. No. And take shit.

That's why in the song, there's a line that goes, we won't go until we get some. We won't go until. Because it literally. This sounds apocryphal. This is 100% true. So like you had to keep like a tray of corns by the door to like throw at them and then slay on the door. You better hurry to the panic room. You were too slow to the panic room.

Now I've got your Xbox and I also took your son. Now, now bring us your Amazon Echo. Now bring us your Amazon Echo. I'm updating it because no one has pudding anymore. How about a yahoo from the yahoo service? Y'all are fucking loud and I'm loving it. This is the best. So good.

This is our. No, no, no. Okay. You just misunderstood. You were a proper amount before. Yeah. Let's just keep it. This is our.

This is like the one of the only times. The only time of a venue that wasn't at home that we have played at more than once is there. It's true. Third show. We're talking. This is not. This is not like that Baltimore. You're the best.

Yeah. You're the best. But we do love you. Beats. But we were talking about stage like what's your best show every day? I think it was it was anybody at our adventures own show here last year? That Y'all were. Y'all were fucking great and you're great now too.

So anyway. Here's a yahoo from rose farla. Thank you rose it's yahoo answers user. They're anonymous but we'll call them. Aw. We were really looking like they've got a real life. on Dravid, asks, how can I get the poltergeists in my house to understand that they don't scare me

and nothing they can do will drive me away? All right, Dravid, I moved into my house two months ago, and they've been at it nonstop. Nothing that some earplugs can't fix, even though they try to take them out sometimes while I and I can handle a few objects being chucked my way from time to time. Holy shit. The fact of the matter is that as a living being with a physical presence,

I am stronger and more powerful than they are 100-fold. The house belongs to me and they belong to me. There's a new sheriff in town and they might as well just cross over because their reign of terror in this old house is over. So get out of here, old dead sheriff. Welcome back to this old house. I'm Bob Vila and bustin' makes me feel good. How can I get them to cross over

or at least realize their attempts to drive me out are futile and they might as well just shut up? First, let me ask, can I get a little bit more monitor so I can hear my dear brother over these rambunctious people? Thank you. How... I wish these ghosts would just quit it. Because they're embarrassing themselves.

I... Let's clear one thing up first. You don't own the ghosts. No, this is America. We don't own anybody. You don't own the ghosts. If you can't own a cloud, if you can't own a beautiful vape cloud that you just made,

you can't own a ghost. They're basically the same dang thing. If you love a ghost, set it free. Yeah. Um, I... Well, hold on. Hold on, no, hold on. Wait, when the ghostbusters busted ghosts

and had them in their little containment units... Still didn't own them. Okay. A warden doesn't own the prisoners. Yeah, that's a fair point. My children! Um, I will also say... I don't know.

I guess I've never thought about it in terms of am I stronger than a ghost? This guy has. Because, like... Yeah, they're... They're ephemeral. They are nothing. But in movies, they always seem pretty scary.

Right. Well, not in ghost, but ghost sets up a weird dynamic where it's like you can either move a fucking Pepsi can, and then it's like, I can kick your ass. Or you can summon demons that drag me to hell, and I can't fight that. Right. Right.

He levels up so fast. He levels up real quick. He evolves. There's a moonstone on him. Yeah. And he gets much bigger. Anytime Patrick Swayze is not on camera, he's doing quests.

Quests and quests and quests and quests. He's killing co-balls. He's killing co-balls. Kill the co-balls. Get the new powers. Crush bone belt. Crush bone belt. Inhabit whoopee.

Inhabit whoopee. I don't know how you... What I do enjoy about this person, when I respect, is it's not about how do I get rid of the ghosts. It's how do I show the ghosts that I'm the boss. How do I establish dominance? Right. How do I dominate my ghost?

How do I sazer my lawn this shit? Yeah. Ghost whisper. You gotta tap the dog. You gotta tap the ghost on the nose. Here's how fucked Earth is. I just said ghost whisper as a joke. Nah, it's a fucking thing.

Like, it was a whole show. Which didn't for love you it. I gotta feel bad for these ghosts, too, because you know they have their old, like, post-game debriefs in the attic, and they're just like, Jeremy, I've tried everything. He's not scared.

He's just not spooked at all. I threw a few things at him. Nothing. He just caught him. He caught an apple, and he just ate it in one bite. What am I supposed to do with that, Jeremy? That would be an interesting twist on Sixth Sense. I see dead people.

Yeah, yeah. Fine. And I wish they'd quit it. I've got stuff to do today. I'm a little boy. How cool would it be if you were just hanging out with a little seven-year-old, and everyone's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fuck off. Whatever. I get it. He just walked around shutting all the cabinets. He's fucking idiot. He's fucking idiot. Every time. Hold on, boys.

Misha, I can't with you today. Misha Barton was in that film. A lot of people forget that. She was the throw-up ghost. You know. She threw up. It was real scary. Check.

I'm newbie. That's what she's in there as. I work in a library a few weeks ago in my library. What? It's a question, Griffin. I don't. Did he say library? I'm like 95.

Can we get a poll from the audience if he said library? What? Fuck it. Now let's hear it if he didn't say library. It kind of actually sounds slick down the middle. Yeah. That side of the house was like, that was library. I think it's a speaker issue then.

We've got a speaker problem. Can we get the R's up in the monitor? The R novice. I work in a library. A few weeks. A bibliotech. A few weeks. That's my fucking favorite U2 song.

A few weeks ago, my library was chicken winged and hotdogged throughout the building. Sure. We'll get there. We'll need to get there. Meaning some wasteful scoundrels left them. I do like the idea that we would bring up a topic and a question and not tell you, the audience, what we were talking about. This is just for us.

Meaning some wasteful scoundrels left them all over the library. Now you've got me fucking paranoid. On tables, on bookshelves, on dance room. On tables, on bookshelves, even hanging from a hook above the travel books. I'm hanging a fucking hotdog from a hook. Have you never fished? You just put it on there. Going fishing for derals.

We aren't sure who did it, but the people we think did do it were adults. Not shenanigan pulling teens doing some sort of senior prank. We do not know the motive. Was it a crime of opportunity? Or one of premeditation? How do we get revenge? That's from snack attacked. You hear snack attacked?

Nice. I heard one noise come from stage right of somebody going, ugh. And I thought that was them, but then we got an ecstatic cheer. Apparently a similar situation happened to you, so we've got a crime where it's an epidemic. In what universe could this be a crime of opportunity? Right. Well, I was just going to sit here and eat these wings and hot dogs. But you know what?

There's a hook over there, and I'm going to see what I can do about it. I'm going to do a hot dog experiment. How fucking sneaky was this person? That they put this food all over the library, and nobody saw it. And nobody saw it. You did it. You're in my head. Yeah, welcome to Terror Dome.

I could be in my dorm room a mile and a half away from the library. And if somebody in the library was fastening a hot dog onto a hook in the library, I would make sure I saw it. I don't know how you see somebody like, ugh, come on, piercing the ween. I don't know how you don't notice that. Yeah, I do have to say, and thank you for coming, and I don't mean to come down on you so hard. But like, if a librarian's job isn't to keep people from hanging hot dogs all around the books, and chicken wings, and also, if I may be so bold,

if a librarian's job isn't to keep people from bringing huge containers of hot dogs and chicken wings into where the books are kept, I do not know what it is you are being paid to do. That seems like job one, the first video they put into the machine is like, you may happen to see some of our guests, try to hang hot dogs, or chicken wings up around the books. If you see this, please ask them to diss this. If you see someone come in in a large trench coat with an interesting perfume, you might be a redneck.

I've got a really, you asked about revenge, I've got a real good revenge. And that is, you go around, you're gonna love this. So good. You're gonna go around, and collect all the food, and then sit down, and eat all of the delicious buffalo wings, and hot dogs that they've... Buffalo wings are very good, I don't understand what the question is about. These have been manhandled and hooked. They've been in hookin'.

I'm not saying, okay, skip the hook one, but if there's just some buffalo wings, if you're just like somewhere, and you happen upon some, if it's still warm... Wait, no, finish this. Yeah, no, no, no, no, we're going all the way home. If you happen upon some still warm football food, I think you go for it. Anywhere? Anywhere, Griffin?

Not on a street, but on a shelf somewhere. So, you're walking down a library, you see an interesting book. What is that? You see an interesting, like a Jimmy Carter biography. That's your go-to, interesting book? Yeah, he's a fascinating man. Okay. You move it behind there, a still warm...

Still warm. Pops up nachos with nacho cheese all over them. And you think, score! Still warm football food, good to go. All right. Thank... Listen, thank you all so much for coming. We're stopping the podcast for a second.

Oh, no. Griffin, can we take a quick pause from jokes? Let's excuse jokes from the stage. Jokes? Please. Go get some ginger ale. Go to the green room. We got fruit snacks.

We got chocolate in there. No problem. Still warm football food. Still warm football food. So, jokes is gone, Griffin. Um... How much of what you're saying is caffeine and how much of it is life?

If it's warm? No. No, no, no. Jokes are gone. No, jokes out. I told you jokes. I love you and I care about you and I need to know. You have a broken stomach and jokes is gone.

It's bad, yeah. Jokes left the room. I know. If I was at a library and I saw some... A library is the perfect setting because I would think that the library was having some sort of event. I, Griffin, I need what you'd say for the next 30 seconds until jokes comes back to be in short sentences

that I can introduce in court. Okay. Like, I need it to be... I need you to just say in concrete language the extent to which you're willing to eat chicken wings. Can I tell you something? Your body is so broken, you shouldn't be eating fucking buffalo wings

if Carl A. Jepsen brings them to you on a silver platter. Okay? You shouldn't be eating them, period. End of story. End of story. It honestly is one of the few times a human being could say I shouldn't and mean it. Yeah.

Even if Travis is like, let's be bad. You could still be like... I need to take a pause and try to program what Justin just said into my brain so I can try to lucid dream to that tonight. Okay. Listen, we do have quite a bit more podcasts. True.

And I would like jokes to be here for it. Okay. So could you just tell me, please... If it was a trusted setting and the wings were warm... Yes. Stop! Stop! I put an asterisk...

I put an asterisk next to a trusted setting and I'm going down to the bottom of the page and I found the asterisk. What is the text that I find next to it? It's a place I've been before. You've been lots of places. The DMV, agastation. This stage!

Not agastation. This stage, yes. If there were just buffalo wings out here when we came out... That's when a giant box falls over on you and someone's caught you. Yeah. Maybe that's what this library was doing is they had a fucking trail of buffalo wings

leading from, you know, the jock frat or whatever to try to get them into... Are they on a plate? Griffin, are they on a plate? Are they on a plate? Yeah. I wouldn't eat one just sitting on a couch... We should have 15 fucking minutes

talking about whether or not I would eat... I didn't answer the question! Would you not take them to security loss at Vow and then claim them in 40 days if no one had picked them up? Wouldn't be warm anymore. How about a yahoo? All right, this one was... Come on back.

Come on back, Jokes. We missed you. This one was sent in by Basil Butterbaugh. Thank you, Basil. It's by... You here? All right. Oh, you went to college?

Cool. Are they cool? I bet if you go to school with somebody named Basil Butterbaugh, you remember. You would know them. It's from Yahoo Answers user. The website's doing a bad job. Yeah, it's not loading.

This one's... Dravid also. Uh... Dravid asks, I dream of bathrooms? I dream of a bathroom. Like every other dream. Nothing happens in there.

It's just me checking out different kinds of bathrooms. Big bathrooms, small bathrooms, hospital bathrooms, old rusty bathrooms, public bathrooms, bathrooms with fish swimming in the toilets, bathrooms with five toilets to a stall. Hold on.

Why'd you react that way to fish swimming in the toilet, but not old rusty bathrooms? Old rusty bathrooms? Check. Oh, fish! Yeah! Well, think of the attendant who would have to refresh the fish every time.

Every few hours, really? Bathrooms with five toilets to a stall. What's the deal with this? I have an obsession with dreaming about bathrooms. Every bathroom is unique, but nothing ever happens. I... I want to meet the person

who has dreams every night, every night, where they enter a room. That's it. For hours? Yeah. They just spend hours going, yeah, cool. All of our great bathroom geniuses,

all the great geniuses of bathroom design have had dreams like this. You have to imagine. This is how you get the calling, right? You see in your dreams, bathrooms, you want to see in the world. And that's the universe's way of telling you... Be the bathroom you wish to see in the world.

Exactly, Travis. Yes, yes. You dream... If you don't dream... That's a Craigslist listing title, if I've ever heard one, by the way. So, you're... I don't think it's weird.

I think you're being called. Like, you're being called to create the great bathrooms. Some of the great bathrooms. Oh, I like that because the five toilets and one stall is maybe like a conversation... Sure, who knows? It's a conversation shit pit.

Yeah. I can't see inside the head of a bathroom genius. I just take his work as it comes and enjoy it in my own way. When Tesla brought the world's first toilet to the Chicago World's Fair... And electrified it. Electrified it.

He was probably having toilet dreams every night. You know, you're joking, I think. But... It's hard to tell with you sometimes. It's hard to tell with you sometimes. But I am now thinking about... It must have been really hard for the first person that invented a toilet

to convince people like, no, go ahead, it's fine. And they'll look at it and be like, put my big old nasty cloth bag. What do I do with that? No, you throw that out. You're done with that now. No, it's a whole...

So, wait. It's a whole in-your-house... In the house. That I'll just go shit in? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Hey, I don't mean to see dents. I shit outside. Right, so...

No, I want you to come in my house and poop in a room in there. What if like a bedroom or a parlor? Right. It's a special room. It's a room where everybody goes in, but I have a chair that makes it disappear. That doesn't make any sense at all.

How about I just shit outside? What about outside? There's all kinds of outside and you've only got the one house. I don't need to shit in your house. I'm fine out there, really. It's not a big deal. We've been doing it for generations.

How many people at fucking Tesla's at the Chicago World's Fair in 1930, when ever rolled up and were like, okay, this seems good, seems good. Let me get a feel for it. All right, let me just take this big tank top off and here we go. Boom.

And then you hide it, right? Tesla, it didn't go away. Yeah, I know. You did such a bad job. That is true. How many people do you think bought toilets, like, took a shit in them and then threw it away and went and bought a new one?

This is an expensive habit. We're trying to figure out the number to call for the dirty cloth bag guy. Yeah. I'm done. I'm done. I finished. Come get it.

Yeah, no, I'm going to need a new dirty cloth bag to put it in, but it's in the chair for sure. What's that? Connect it to water? I don't... How about I get out of here, Griffin? We just did one? How about a regular question, Griffin?

Yes. I work in a library... Nope. No, you know what? Let's take a second. I feel like you could have done a better job. One more game, one more game. When I was...

I've always wondered what it's like for someone to demand I play the hits, and now... When I was younger, my mom rented a horse for my B-day party because I enjoyed my little pony at the time. You don't need an excuse. It's cool. They're very good animals.

They're good animals. And then it's a childhood birthday party. There's a pony there. It's a success. No one's going to be like, how gauche. It's not... I love my little pony.

What is this doing here? My friends think it's hysterical because I hate horses and joke about getting... Fine. They joke about getting one for my B-day later this month. I'm terrified they might actually go through with it. Oh, come on!

How do I let them know I'm not joking about not wanting another horse near me without instigating them? And that's Jade from Boston. Jade. Please don't boo Jade. There's a million of you. But are you here?

Okay. All right, you know I've turned around. Everyone leave Jade the fuck alone. We're not going to do this. Jade... I can't... I got to disperse this because I don't want Jade to feel

like this isn't a welcome place. Wham! Like, too bad. It's the most beautiful animal and it's at your birthday party. Let me play the world's smallest... Is it violin? Yeah.

The world's smallest violin for you. Do it. Wham! Wham! Wham! That's not what a violin sounds like. I'm just realizing people don't normally make the noise. That's not usually part of the thing.

People don't usually do that. Jade, if you weren't afraid of horses, this is a great con to get your friends to supply a horse for your birthday. Holy shit. This is the most reverse that psychology can get. Yeah. I'm just trying to put myself in the headspace

of somebody who wouldn't be stoked to see a horse under any circumstance. Is it because they're big and they got them chompers? I get that. I get that. They are huge bite machines, essentially. Yeah. They're fast, too.

So they'll bring that bite right to you. Actually, now I'm thinking about it. Horses are kind of scary. Yeah, you know what? And they kick. And they have metal on their feet. They kick, and often people with swords ride them. So that's another thing to worry about.

Shit, guys. Have you ever seen a horse running directly at you and thought, awesome. I'm going to stand perfectly still and receive that creature. Shit, guys. Have we been running this whole time? Jay did like maybe a horse had some mean shit to you.

And yeah, you hate all of them. Like you're at a rodeo. And the horse is just like, pfft. Fuck you, Jay. And then, but then, but it said it really quiet. So like your parents didn't hear. And they wouldn't believe you. Horse, did you tell my daughter, Jay, to fuck off?

No. Straight from the horse's mouth. And you turn around. See. See, Jade. Anyway, I'm going to go get the car. I'm going to eat your dog. Did you hear it?

It just said it's going to eat her. You heard it, right? Maybe, maybe call your friends below. If they're like, or go get your horse back. You know what? Fine. Do it. Yeah.

Jade, I don't know your friends. But if they're like everybody on earth, they're not going to fucking follow through with this. You have no, you have no worry of this actually coming to fruition. I could talk, I could run a lot of shit. I could talk a lot of shit about getting a horse. I would have no clue. What do you do?

Do you call a farm? Do you know why? I'll tell you exactly the point at which this joke falls apart. When money has to change hands. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It stops being funny. Oh, you know what would be funny? We'll run a horse for Jade.

It's how much? How? And I have to get it from here to there. No way. Can't do it. Well, the horse has a way for you to get it from somewhere to somewhere else. To put miles on it? Yeah, you're not going to put miles on my horse.

This is a strictly scaring horse. It's just for scaring people. What's that? You want to scare your friend, Jade? Yeah, we can do that. That's 250 as our regular scare your friend rate. But it sounds like she's had some experience with horses before, so we can do it for two.

How about a yahoo? Hit me. This one was sent in by... I appreciate y'all cheer every time for this bad website. It was sent in by Katherine Parkinson. Thank you, Katherine. It's yahoo answers. Also anonymous.

Fuck. Dravid has been busy. Dravid asks, What do you call the middle part of the pizza? Urgent. So... We've got that good, good crust, but what is the part that is not on the edge of the pizza?

It's just pizza. No, because I... If you cut the crust away from... Something. It's almost like we require a word for... If you cut the crust away from the pizza, you have a crust and you have a pizza. You still have a pizza.

No, hold on, Joseph, because you can't say you have to cut the crust off of the pizza. That means crust is part of the pizza. Yeah, but if I walk in... If I walk in and look at a plate, and it's got a pizza with no crust on it, I'm not going to be like, What the fuck is that?

What did you make? Okay, wait, hold on. By the way, crisp and tasties do not have crusts. So if you've got a crisp and tasty pizza from Geno's, which is a... Thank you for... ...Geno's family of products,

if you've got a crisp and tasty, that is not going to have a crust. But how do you fucking pick it up? That's the thing. You're wrong, because it's all crust. No, this person is talking about specifically the crust around the edge. It's nothing about the bottom crust.

But that's the bottom of the base crust. It's layers up. It doesn't layer from the outside in. It layers from the bottom up. Travis is saying there's not a bread hoop containing a cheese mess. That's what I... Okay, but if I finish a slice of pizza,

except for the crust, I would be like, Here, I saved you the crust. I'm not expecting the person to scrape the toppings off and hand me like a triangular bread slice. Holy shit. I mean, listen, you're right. Yeah, I know.

But I also feel that I am right. I get it though. You are, yeah. The problem is, we've got a language issue here. It's a language issue. That could be solved by introducing another word to the lexica

to the fucking anatomy of Zah. Okay. The bread hoop that we think of as crust, or I'm speaking of as crust, pizza bones. So... Yes, I think we can all agree on that. We can all agree on pizza bones.

You have cheese stuffed bones. So this is the tissue. So the cheese is the marrow. Right, the cheese is the marrow of the bones. Okay, okay. So this is horrible. You get... You get rid of the pizza bones.

Yes. Underneath that is still crust. Sorry, great. Muscle. No, what are we doing here? Cheese is skin. Sauce is the blood. Yeah, sauce is the blood.

Pepperonis are freckles. Oh, my God. It's dots on skin. Read the question again. Start back at the beginning. It's one sentence. Yeah, one more time. One more time, one more time, one more time, one more time.

We've got that good, good crust, but what is the part that is not on the edge of the pizza? And this is... Okay, wait, time out. Oh, Jesus. You all fucking heard it that time, right? We just did the flashback. The edge of the pizza, that is what was being discussed.

The pizza is the hole. But the edge of the pizza... This question specifically is talking about the part that is not the pizza bones. Right, agreed? We can all agree on that. They said around the edge of the pizza, I'm not like some loon here.

Justin. That's what I was thinking about as the bones. I'm right. Justin. Justin. Yeah. Play with me. Play with me.

In this space. Don't just say fuck this question. No, I'm not saying fuck the question. I'm saying fuck the condescension and the... The de-evolution into semantics. We just need to move on with what the part that isn't the bones. Tell me fair, this is a question about what you call something. So it is literally all semantics.

Okay, granted. Okay. Okay. Would it be too confusing if we refer to the center? We need a fucking word for it. The core. The core. The mantle.

The mantle of the zah. What about just the meat? The pearl. But the meat has... Oh, I like the pearl. The pearl is better. Because the meat, it does have meat. So a meat lover's pizza in this context would be pretty wild.

Yeah. Because if you did not in fact love the meat, as Griffin describes it, that would be a weird person eating pizza. I don't think it's the best choice for you. Oh, okay. Okay. Let's throw it all out. All right.

The outside hoop is the rind. Why do we have to throw out crust? Crust is crust. Damn it, you're right. Crust is crust is crust is crust. Oh, well, no, we did this. It's the bones. No.

Rind and flesh. Rind and flesh. Rind and then the flesh of the pizza. The flesh of the pizza. Y'all are cheering so we'll move on. But this is not up for a vote, okay? We're going to settle this. Together.

I like rind and flesh. Rind and flesh. Griffin, can you go more with that? Yes, absolutely. If it means we can do another question. Okay. I have yet another question that I am going to grab here for you all. I love my friend, but a few weeks ago I was in target with her and she removed all her

feet coverings. Is every fucking question in this episode going to be completely spiritually challenged? Both her shoes and socks. To try on a pair of socks. Oh my God. That she had taken out of a package hanging on the wall. No, no, no. I guess they didn't fit because you all are acting like you're watching a sword swallower

and I'm a love again. I guess they didn't fit because she put them... In the garbage? Back in the bag. And proceeded to walk barefoot through the suck aisles looking for another pair to try. My question is, how do I forget I ever, ever saw this? Am I overreacting? No.

Why did she do this to me? Help. She's been mortified in a major way in Massachusetts. I almost don't want to know if you are here. Hey. Is your... No, listen. Is your friend?

Did you bring them? Oh, thank God. It almost got real bad. We saved everybody. It's fine, everybody. Sit back down. We almost had to end the show and rip cord out of Boston. We need an extraction.

Okay, so... This is theft. No, these socks are done, Zo. That's the thing. There are so, so very many troubling things in this question. The thing that troubles me the most because there could be a situation in which this person just has never had a human interaction before to understand like, this is not okay. Until you get to the point where you open a sealed package to try it. Because that is exactly what the sealed package is attempting to prevent.

Right. In opening that when I buy... You've broken a promise. When I buy a sealed package, the promise is here. Nobody touched these. Except for the people that are supposed to. You know what we mean. But they definitely didn't try them on after making them.

No one tried them on. It's a promise. And in doing this thing, you've broken a vow. You've broken a sacred vow between me and Target. Is it possible that your friend is deeply spiritual and just wanted to be barefoot in this target just to fucking feel the energy, feel God in this target tonight? And just get some of that, just get some target in between her toes and just fucking reconnect with fucking Isaac Mizrahi. Just like really reconnect with that weird dog who's died probably, right? Because we don't see him so much anymore.

She wants to be deeply in tune with this lamp designed by Ryan Seacrest. Hey, maybe your friend just like had a cross-country flight. She just needs to make some fists with their toes. Um, no? Okay, die hard? Yeah, no, everybody saw it, but that doesn't mean you have to just... Hey, Harry Potter, you guys know that one, right? Okay.

See, they don't have to applaud for it just because you said a thing people now. I actually, I'm ready to turn a bit of a corner here because the real monster in this question is you. Uh-oh. And here is why... What? You saw this happen every step of the way. My brother is right, he comes on very strong, but you should have interceded. When Travis says step, he means every grimy fucking bare skin slapping against tile step.

You owe this target an apology. You had so many opportunities to just tackle your friend and remove them from the target. Right. Apologize to literally every person you saw on the way out. But... Okay, that was... That was convenient. I don't control what happens.

Whoa, shit! There's a bridge! Can I go to the bathroom if you just wanna... I want a munch! I want to munch! Welcome to Munch Squad. It's a podcast. It's actually, it's a show within a show that has become more popular than the show that surrounds it.

Yeah. And normally Griffin helps with it. This isn't like Sad Libs where it's kind of a solo mish. Munch Squad is very collaborative, but we're gonna go ahead and get started and hopefully with Griffin will listen. Just talk real slow. He is, this is not a joke gang. He has peed now at every live show he's done on this tour. He really needs to get it under control.

Yeah, peeing once a day. Can you believe it? So I'm now subscribed. Look at my peppy boy! I'm sorry, I mispronounced that. Peabee boy. I'm fucking 30 years old. You can't talk to me like that on a stage.

I'm now subscribed to QSR Magazine. That's Kirk Service Restaurant Magazine. And this is... Hey, hold on. They call it Quick Service Restaurant? Like there's not already another... That's not flattering. There's already another term.

It's called fast food. Why would you call it Quick Service Restaurant? It's not fast. I mean fast food is very limiting. If I go to Chipotle, I'm not eating fast food. I'm eating a quick service. You are? No.

You are, though, eating fast food? No. Did you hear they got queso now? I didn't bring that to y'all, but just a heads up. Okay, so here's the... I don't have one of these around me, but the headline was too good to pass up. Yogurt Land's Ice Cream has been a hit with fans.

Huh. Hold on, wait. Is this a press release or a news article? This is a press release on Quick Service Magazine, Industry News Breaking Yogurt Land's Ice Cream has been a hit with fans. And this is, under the category, menu innovations. Beginning August 30th, Yogurt Land is giving everyone,

sweet tooth, a reason to rejoice with the limited time edition of premium chocolate and vanilla ice cream. Ooh la la. I know. This is very cosmopolitan. This is under menu innovations. The news serve yourself ice cream gives Yogurt Land fans an indulgent option to create their own customized treat.

An indulgent option that before now has never existed. Where would one even get this ice cream? With the addition of chocolate and vanilla ice cream, Yogurt Land is providing a one-stop shop for all to enjoy. Yogurt, okay. If you've ever been with your friends and one of them's like, I want ice cream. And the other one's like, I'm going to Yogurt Land.

And the first one's like, oh, fuck off, no way. I don't think this has happened. But anyway, Yogurt Land guests can swirl up their choice. So congratulations on finding the least appetizing wording for that. Swirl up their choice of chocolate or vanilla ice cream. This is the third fucking time. They've been like, oh no, just one flavor?

No, fuck off. Two flavors. It's a, one of these days, the Yogurt Land people are going to find out about Neapolitan ice cream and they will instantly die. Yeah. They can put toppings on it, build their own satisfying delicious masterpiece.

Why are we talking about this? With over 60 toppings to choose from, like fruit, candy, cereal, nuts and cookies and other toppings. Here's a quote from John Carlson. He's the senior vice president of marketing development and operations at Yogurt Land. He's the senior vice president of ice cream. He's just so happy to have something to do.

The fucking president of ice cream was like, no, I don't want to put my name on this one. This is going to be a really stupid press release. I do not want to be involved. One of the many joys for Yogurt Land fans is to build their creation to perfectly suit their taste buds, says John Carlson. Now, Froyo Fanatics and ice cream lovers alike

will have the chance to do so all under one roof at Yogurt Land. Like, how buck wild has Yogurt Land gotten that this return to the first two flavors on Earth is this rep? Guys, we got to take out the old tire flavor. We've gone a little off the rails here. Listen, I prefer ice cream to yogurt, of course.

But when have you ever been eating yogurt and just like sighed deeply and stared at it longingly and thought, I wish this was vanilla ice cream? It's just the supposition here is that Yogurt Land has just now discovered that, yes, ice cream does in fact taste better than yogurt. And also from the way they talk, it exists. Yeah, exactly.

Like they had a meeting once and one of the people with the thing was like, we should sell ice cream. It tastes better, right? And people like it better and they're already dumping fucking cinnamon toast crunch and butter on it. So like maybe it doesn't fucking... They've upended a gallon of sprees into it. It doesn't matter what the fucking canvas upon which they paint is.

And literally all the machines we have work for both. They work for both. It's actually the same flavor, just different colors. They're going to add a billion sprees to it. It don't matter. It doesn't matter. It gets better. The majority of our guests are not exclusive

to either frozen yogurt or ice cream. What are you talking about? It's kind of a dessert spectrum. So they're not exclusive to frozen yogurt or ice cream. Like, please, if you're this... What is this fucking Dr. Seuss butter side upper like world that you're trying to... Derek, what are you eating, Derek?

I'm eating ice cream. Have you heard about yogurt? What's yogurt? Did I say it right in your yard? Mom buss into a kids bedroom. Are you eating yogurt? In this house? So giving them a choice ensures that they can come to us

regardless of what they desire on a particular day. Have you ever... Have you ever... You don't have ice cream? Ice cream? Have you ever had a craving for one of these foods that you could actually distinguish? But...

So, no, wait, I have to finish. Have you ever wanted some sort of ice cream but not frozen yogurt? Like, no, I definitely do. I have a sweet cold craving. I want it to be cold. Yeah. I do want it out of a machine where I pull a handle

and it goes to the cup. But just not a yogurt-y kind of vibe. It's the cultures that really bother me. Do you mean, like, the deep ice cream culture and the deep yogurt cult, people get really into it. If I hear more fucking quotes from this dude saying, like, there are people on earth who like ice cream and some days like yogurt.

I'm gonna fucking jump off this stage. And we wanted to give him as much choice as possible, so we definitely gave him chocolate or vanilla. At Yogurtland, we offer the guests an opportunity to find their own personal flavor. Our restaurant provides... As long as it's one of the two. This is what he says, and he really loses the plot here.

Our restaurants provide a staircase of choices. What? That staircase just assimilated. Just a two-step staircase is what my brother has demonstrated. It's a staircase of choices, including nonfat and low-fat frozen yogurt, sorbets, and gelatoes. So wait! Time to fuck out!

You have already introduced frozen yogurt, sorbet, and gelato, and the introduction of ice cream is a headline? Not only that, but has any human being ever looked at something and gone, wow, this is like a staircase of choices? Yeah, his programming has broken down at this point. John Bot 3000 has gone off the rails. Ice cream was the missing piece that now delivers a complete selection of frozen delights for guests

to pair with our extensive topping bar to create their own unique flavor. And with this, the prophecy is complete. And now, and now, and now I die. No, wait, dude, dipping dots. Oh, shit! Okay, check it out. It's hard as fuck and in little, little pellets.

It tastes like nothing. Guys, we found a new firmness. It's dipping dots. It's hard as fuck. You walk into a yogurt lane, it's like, what's your firmness level? It's like, I'm feeling like a medium firm. All right.

Two flavors of ice cream. I like to imagine the person that wrote this story just sat at John Carlson as he finished his paragraphs and just kept staring at him. So John Carlson felt like, well, I should say something else. And this is what he said next. In a traditional ice cream shop, guests must commit to a whole scoop of one flavor at a single price.

I just don't know if I'm ready for that kind of commitment. At Yogurt Land, the experience is different. We encourage our guests to sample our flavors and then choose how much of each they desire and blend with their choice of toppings to create their own personal flavor. The ability to create a unique experience with each visit makes us as special as the flavors we offer.

Ooh. What should I do next? Ooh. I'm so excited. And then he closes with, at Yogurt Land, you are always in control. Shit. Now, all credit to John Carlson.

It's 2017. I do understand the appeal, John. Thank you for having one thing in my fucking life on Earth that is, in fact, under my control. I do appreciate that. That was the best person I've ever heard write words down. Because that's also, that's the kind of person that a boss sees that stuff and goes,

well, at least he's bought in. I mean. No, that was the person who, somebody walked up to them and was like, I need a 50,000 word press release about the fact that we sell two flavors of ice cream now. And he was like, shut up and watch me go. Well, assuming you might ask me for that, I've actually already written something up.

Hey, everybody, this is Griffin McRoy from My Brother, My Brother. I mean, thanks for listening to the episode. Sorry that we did two live shows in a row. We usually try to space those out a little bit more on this feed. But this weekend kind of got away from us and we have a bunch of these in the tank now. So we thought we'd put up another one. This was our first, our early Boston show, I guess.

It turned out pretty good. I thought the late Boston show was book wild and we'll probably be putting that one up in the Brooklyn show up eventually. But again, we're going to try and space those out a little bit more. I got some ads I want to tell you about though. First one is for Squarespace.

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It's a new way to buy domains and you can choose from over 200 different extensions. And they have 24-7 award-winning customer support. It's really easy to just go make a website by yourself. If you go to macroisshows.com, you can check out, first of all, all of our shows and videos and projects and thank you very much. But you'll also see what a website made by Squarespace looks like.

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Just go to stamps.com and use MyBrother. Stamps.com, never go to the post office again. Got a couple Jumbotrons here. This one is for Caitlin Peterson. Who says, Well, my love, we've done it. We've survived our first two years of marriage. And what better way to celebrate than with this

definitely on time message from juice, scraps, and ditto. Or just ditto. I can do it in my impression of the other two, but it will not be flattering. Thank you for cooking delicious food, knitting me kick-ass hats, and tolerating my near daily banjo playing. You're the best nerd wife a bearded doofus could ask for.

They wanted this on September 19th, which is tomorrow. So get off my job, Ben! I'm just kidding, you had every reason to be on my jock. I can't believe we got this one out on time. Congratulations on your tremendous love! I got another message here. This one is for Will and Allison.

And it's from Cooper, who says, Congrats on your engagement and your pending slash upcoming nuptials. Thank you for turning me on to the McElroy family of products, which have subsequently saved my life. You are both independently my favorite people, and with your powers combined, you will surely sit astride the world. Or at the very least be my favorite combined person.

Love you idiots. Why'd you have to get me in there at the end? Maybe it's an affectionate nickname, but it hurt me to read it. But congrats on your engagement, Will and Allison. Thank you to everybody for tweeting about Mbembem. Use the hashtag Mbembem. This is more of a the zonecast thing.

I don't know why I'm saying it here, but we sure do appreciate you spreading the word about the show. We appreciate everybody who came out to all these live shows last weekend. It was a whole lot of fun. We're looking forward to getting down south Nashville and Atlanta. And I think there's still some tickets available. If you go to macroichows.com slash tours, it may be sold out.

I don't know. I haven't been following it that closely. Thank you to maximumfund.org for having us. You can go to maximumfund.org to check out all the great podcasts there. They got a bunch of great shows, like Lady to Lady. Stop podcasting yourself. Judge John Hodgman. So many great shows that you're going to love at maximumfund.org.

And again, go to macroichows.com. If you want to find more stuff that we do. And thanks to John Rodgerick in the long winters for the use of our theme song. It's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. That's it. Let's get back to the episode and I'll talk to you next week. Bye. And many more. Listen at maximumfund.org, iTunes, or wherever you download podcasts.

Should we do? Yeah. Questions? Should we do audience? Audience questions. Yeah. Okay. Don't line up or anything. We had a miscommunication in one of our shows and people lined up and it was very intimidating.

We will call on you. Can we get some house lights up? Does everybody know the rule for questions? Excellent. Where are the mics? And can we get even more house lights? I can't see. A little bit less us lights.

There we go. I saw a person in the pink stand up. Yes. Yes. You. Yes. Yes. Come over here. Hi. What's your name? Nico.

Hi Nico. Hi. So my friend eats cereal wrong. She puts... I just heard a radio come on over there and I think it was a police officer who was like, be on the guard. Get ready. Okay.

So she puts cereal in one bowl. Nico, by the way, you can angle, if you wouldn't want to angle the mic down a little bit. There we go. Okay. Like this? Yeah. The cozy. The fact that you have introduced a second bowl or instrument into the equation has me scared out of my fucking mind. Okay. Yeah.

She puts cereal in one bowl and then she puts milk in the other. No way. And then she takes the cereal and puts it in the spoon and then she takes... No, she takes milk first. Okay. Then she sprinkles some cereal in the spoon. You're kidding me. She eats it like this.

Yeah. She's doing it like dipping ramen in the Japanese style. No. She gets a little spoonful of milk. Okay. No, I get it. Oh, yeah. No, no, no.

I get the process. In theory, yes. Yeah. How do I fix this? Well, can I tell you the one... I do kind of get it. Oh, no. Because...

Hear me out. I'm not... Well, I am a monster, but not for this. Not a cereal monster. Yeah. S-E-R-I-A-N. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, no.

Yeah, I don't know. Because, because, because, because, because. Because of the wonderful things he does. Wow. Ditter, ditter, ditter. We've done a lot of those this show. Because if you like your cereal crunchy, you would not... Hold on.

No, no, no. Stop the world. I just heard from 20 different sources. People say, yes. Is there somebody else in this... And please don't fucking lie. Is there somebody else in this audience who does that? Raise your hand.

One, two, three, four. What? There's like four. This is a... What? This is like a 1,090 seat feeder. And four out of 1,090 is way too big of a concentration of people. I, I'm not, I wouldn't do it.

Because I'm cool. You people are so cool. I'm sorry about my brother. People who raise your hand, you're cool too. I get... Okay, on one hand I get it, right? You want that crunchy bite every time. You want that feeling that just like, you know, you've got the amuse-bouche experience.

Or this is exactly the texture intended by the chef. This is kind of a deconstructed cereal. That's what it is. This is exactly the crunch that the captain had in mind when he presented the bite. You'll be getting those... This is farm fresh. When you pour it over the crunch, you lose the umami flavor that's hidden inside of it. But at the same...

This time we intended it to be all berries. But this... I just... These are farm... This is... Oops, all farm fresh berries in season. This is yes, all berries. Yes.

They, they are berries. I, I understand wanting to maintain the crunch, but all I want to say is it sounds like this method would take you about five hours to eat a bowl of cereal. And I have adult responsibilities. I, I, I like about cereal that once you pour the milk on it, the race is on. Like, one of the things I like, think in your head about the way you eat cereal at home and the way you've seen people eating cereal. Have you ever eaten somebody who...

What? Whoa! No, you don't eat people. Sorry. Have you seen... No, hold on. No, hold on a second. I got a brand new eat cereal wrong with other people.

I had this weird way of eating cereal where I eat other people. No, that's a strange way. I was eating cow chocula and cow dick grunt and I thought, what if this was a real cow, or a real cow, though? Have you ever watched someone eat cereal who hasn't had the expression on their face of pure determination? Like, it's just fucking you and me now. I know when I eat cereal, I'm...

Well, I used to be lying in bed in pitch blackness, trying not to wake my wife up as I just shoved it into my face. And then I got a bean life and that's... Those days are behind me now. But cereal does demand your attention. Oh, yeah, sure. Well, cereal is not something you can come back to. Right.

You'd be like, well, I didn't... Oh, I just poured a bowl of cereal, but I just remembered. Right. This is why I used to fuck with Chris Bix. Because Chris Bix was like, psh, don't even worry about it. So same with Cracklin' Oat Brand. Cracklin' Oat Brand, you can leave for it. Cracklin' Oat Brand tastes like garbage no matter when you eat it.

Do we have any Cracklin' Oat Brand reps? We've just been naming cereals for forever. Did we help at all? The only cereal that actually... There's no fucking marketing. It's like you don't even eat the cereal. It all gets soggy. It all gets soggy.

Hey! Hey! Except for Quaker Oat Squares. Those do good. Okay. If we name one more cereal, I'm gonna lose my mind. Did we help at all? So did that help?

So she's right? I guess. Yeah. I would say... Oh, that's her. Oh, so you... No! I would say...

I thought you said they weren't here. No, I didn't say anything. She's here. She's right here. Oh, shit. Oh, God. I think you are maybe not right, but justified. You're not right, but you're loved.

How's that? Thank you so much. Wait, wait. Okay. All right. Okay. Please address the court. Every bite is the first bite, TM.

Thank you. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. You won 100% cannot trademark a way of eating cereal, but I appreciate. Yes. Okay. That's a lot of hands up.

There's Garfield, the Niels wizard. Warlock. How did you do this? I'm... Yeah. Hello. But you do have to remove the mask. Hello, boy.

Oh, shit. No, no, no, no, no. You can't do it. Okay. I'm Anna. Hi, Anna. Hi. Hi.

So... Hi. My friend's back there. So I look very young. Okay. I have been told that I'm not allowed to buy a lottery ticket, which seems ridiculous. No, that's because we're worried about you. Okay.

Thank you for your concern. And it's not especially helpful when I'm, say, at Pride in trying to talk to girls. Okay. So how do I portray myself as an older person? Shit. Smell the pipe. Maybe a quarter of a jacket. Yeah.

I was about to suggest, like, oh, this is easy. You just show them your license. But that only fixes the lottery ticket thing. It's just not something you're probably going to do, lady. No. Pleasure to meet you all. I can try. As you can see, I am from Maryland.

Greening and weep. How do you... How do you portray yourself as older? I mean... Try to look younger. Okay. All right. If you want to look...

Can we take a moment and appreciate that that's the most insightful thing any of us have ever said in his... Yeah. In the fucking seven years you've been doing this podcast? Yeah. If you want to look like a 50-year-old uncle, you can borrow my shirt. Yeah. Option seven.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Options available to you? Yeah. Um... I mean... The easiest thing to do is when someone, like, says, like, oh, you're not... Like, say, like, oh, I'm flat.

Thank you. Oh, you don't know how young that makes you feel. Thank you. I'm 32. Oh, thank you. You don't know how... Wait, wait, what? Shit, huh?

No, no, no, no. I'm 18. Okay. Okay. Wait, hold on. Wait. You can't be 18. And say, I look young.

You are! Jackoos. What's the problem. And let's not look at you and go, but you're a baby! What are you doing driving a car? The problem is that Pride girls who are, like, 13 come to talk to me. That's a no... No.

No! No, no, no. Okay. Okay, okay, yeah. The stakes are very high. I get it. At all on the same page. Now we've all gotten there.

Yeah. Now I'm with you. Listen, I had this problem where people used to say that I looked way too young for my So now the salient advice I could offer you is, just wait. Just hang in there, and eventually... It ain't a forever problem. Yeah, it's not a forever problem. This problem will resolve itself.

Okay. All right. Savor this problem. Oh, my God, grab this problem and hold it so, so close. Because one day you might do a podcast where a bunch of people take pictures of you on a street, and then you see those pictures on Twitter, and you go, I look like I'm fucking 55! What happened?

Oh, my mom also is a haunted doll today, so... Oh, nice. That's amazing. A spirit oars and everything. Wow! Thank you. That's the life form. That rules. Did we help? Does that help? Yeah, the tides of time will take me through this problem. There you go.

Yeah, maybe make some hard-life decisions. Yeah, wait for the Reaper ever patient to claim you. How about... There's people pointing to this person sitting very upfront. Yes. Yes, come on down. Come on up. Yeah, you're in the glasses, yeah, in the glasses. No, no glasses.

You're wearing glasses. You're wearing glasses. Glasses. Yes. There's no defining detail we gave you. I am sorry. You got to work your way back. There's Mike back there.

Uh-oh. Wait, did I cut your way through? Fight your way through. This is your moment. All right, wait. Fill the time. Hey, that question about bathrooms is funny. Okay, no, there's a Mike over here.

We're going to call on somebody more in this region. Nope. We'll come back to you. You find... Keep going there. Find your way to one, but we're going to call somebody else. Oh, no, wait. You're going to be there in three seconds.

You're right. Okay. We will wait patiently for you. Hello. Hi, brothers. Hi. I also just want to say a brief apology to the people who happen to fall within the sphere of light of the Mike who are just trying to sit there and not be noticed.

Our featured players. I'm noticing you. Hi, what's your name? I'm Lauren. Hi, Lauren. Hi, Lauren. So, um, a couple months ago, for my brother's birthday, I made a terrible mistake and made him a Danny DeVito paper mache bust.

Those, those two phrases cannot be adjacent to each other. I've made a terrible mistake and made a Danny DeVito shape bust. Those two phrases need to be a day apart from each other. Right. Um, I spent a lot of time with it making it, uh, and... Hence, not a mustache falling in love with it. It's just, his unblinking eyes terrify me and it really gives off a negative energy and he has it, like, right when you walk into his place.

Ah, damn. Just fucking hanging from the ceiling like a trap, it swings down into you, like, kind of a Lionel Richie hello situation at this point. Right. Yes. How do I get over my fear of this paper man? Well, you made it. I know.

Yeah. You're its creator. You know you have the right to destroy him. Okay. Wait, I have a very important question. Yes. Is, is your brother, right? I mean, not Danny DeVito.

Wait, what? Uh, it's my boyfriend. Boyfriend. Boyfriend, sorry. Was your, is your boyfriend, was your, is your boyfriend a fan of Danny DeVito or was it just a funny thing you did? Uh, no, he's a fan of Danny DeVito. He's here.

Also, okay. Wait, enough so that when this paper machete bust was given to you, was this a, this was made and given to me in love. So I'll display it or, oh snap, Danny DeVito, I love that guy. Raw passion. Raw passion. The only thing to feel for Danny. Um, what, what's like, uh, what's like your favorite?

Small thing. Like, if you had, like, if you had like, walked into your room and there was like a little handheld thing. Danny DeVito. Oh. Oh. He is known to be a short man. Yeah.

I am not telling tales out of school. He's doing his best. To be tall? Yeah. Like a little handheld thing. If you walked in, like a favorite, like a favorite, like candy or a toy or a little gizmo or what it's, what's your, it's the fucking wildest question anybody, anybody. Okay.

Okay. Ash tray. So say you collect ash trays. This is not what I wanted. I know where you're going with this and you've asked us a terrible thing. Do you like candy? Do you like candy? Good.

Yes. Okay. Thank you. Bit, like, I like bit of honey. Okay. Cool. I love bit of honey. Jam a bunch of bit of honey up in that Danny DeVito.

And then you walk in and he's like, oh, it sounds like it's rattling around. Yeah. Here's a big stick. Now all of a sudden, it's a Dan Yatta. It's a Dan Yatta. It's a, it's a, a, a poignant, probably difficult, but rewarding way to say goodbye to this nightmare. Yeah. But God, what, that's going to be therapeutic though.

Oof. I bet by the end of it, you won't be afraid of Danny DeVito the person. And then you'll miss the bus. I have a picture. Would you like to see it? No. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, shit. It is really good. That's terrifying. That is really good. Can you email that to us so you can put it on Twitter for the episode? Can you do that for us?

Thank you. Did we help? Did we help? Hey, that reminded me. Happy birthday to Josh because I told someone in the line that I was going to say happy birthday to Josh. Josh, your 25th birthday. Happy birthday.

Did we help you with your Danny DeVito problem? Great. Thank you. Let's go towards the back. Wait. Oh, right here in the corner. Yes. Behind the water bottle.

Yes. Please stand up. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Come on down. Yeah.

Stunts. I hope you all signed your liability waivers. I'm good. Thank you. Hi. What's your name? My name is Sarah. Hi, Sarah.

Sarah, can you angle the mic back up the point of your face? There we go. There we go. Hi. Oh, apparently I have it now. Oh, shit. I got your type five. Okay.

So I ride a lot of Ubers and to get back and forth to school. On top like Teen Wolf? Yes, actually. And the thing is, is that I tend to get a little creative when people talk to me and I kind of like make up a story about whatever I'm doing that day to keep it more interesting. Sure. Lying.

Lying. If we have an A4, it's called lying. Yeah. You know, it just keeps it fun. Sure. Lying. Yeah. Just a fun lie.

Are you lying right now? Yeah. Is this a lie? How do I know? I guess we're going to get to that. Okay. So I got into my last Uber last week and the guy told me. Finally take the habit.

No. Yeah. Okay. And I found, the guy was telling me how he's actually friends with a lot of the other Uber drivers in that area. Oh, fuck. So I don't know what I should do. Should I continue this fun little storytelling habit or?

Storytelling again is an extremely generous way of describing this habit. Wait. Hold on. Wait. I was about to- You're not Stephen King. You are lying. The Garrison Keeler of Uber.

Hey, look who I picked up. It's the Old Tales Spinner. It has been one of their old tales. I have a super important further details question. Let's do it. These stories. Yeah. How outlandish are they?

They're not actually that crazy. I'll just, you know, make up the fact that I'm going to visit some front. I'm going to work. Or I'll be like- Good news. You're fine. You're cool. Those Uber drivers are not getting together.

I'm like, you'll never believe. I picked up this person. They were going to visit a friend. Yeah, no. I thought you were saying like, hey, what's up? Thanks for getting me. I'm going down to like 45th in Congress and also when I was a kid- They get a little bit more elaborate.

One time I drank a swimming pool. Like, oh shit. They get a little bit more elaborate as they go along, but it's like a fun ad-libs game is the way that I see it. One, I think we would say there's no such thing as a fun ad-libs game. That's me saying that. But it's like I'm getting into a car with someone I'm never going to meet again. Might as well-

May as well lie to them. That's how I go through life. At the bank like, yeah, here's my check that I'm depositing. One time I jumped up on top of a school bus and rode it like Teen Wolf. God, I got Teen Wolf on the brain tonight. Yeah, Teen Wolf on the brain. Don't sweat it.

Don't sweat it. I think you're good. They probably appreciate the levity. I would guess, right? Maybe next time you get out of an Uber, hop out and just say like, by the way, I lied that whole time. I'm going to work. Now that's a story they'll tell me.

That's a good story. It's the ultimate power play. Exactly. By the way, psych. Does that help? Yeah. Thank you. Excellent.

Thank you. Okay. Someone did a phone flashlight? Don't anyone ever do that again. But this is the last time. This is the last time that it'll work. It's the first time and only time anyone's ever done it. And it works.

Yeah, come on down. The person with the phone flashlight. It does make it so I don't have to cover up the house lights. And it's birthday. Oh, shit. Everybody in the audience apparently knows that it's your birthday. We won't sing this song because it takes forever. And it's not a very good tune, but happy birthday.

Thank you. Everyone sang to me before you guys came out. Oh, good. By the way, also when we came out, we said hey and high five a bunch of folks before the show started. And apparently there was a mass banana crunch that happened out there. You can cheer if you want. But that was, I can't imagine the sonic experience for the people eating at the Panera bread across

the street. What's your name? Charlie. I try. A lot of Charlie fans in the audience two nights. So I'm a college student. I live like a block. It's great, isn't it?

Oh, college. So good. It's the best. Stop rubbing it in, Charlie. So I live with some sweet mates this year and I moved in before them. That's one of them. Holy shit. And as a fun little joke, I found this toddler's bike in one of the trash rooms in my dorm

and I put it under someone's bed. Wait, there's, wait, yeah. Hold on. You jumped over the interesting, the like spooky part there, which was. Yeah. So there's this trash room in school and there was like, get that. Uh-huh. Yeah.

And then someone, there was like, not toddlers, but it's a high school musical small bike and it's pink. And it's got Barbie on it also. But it's not toddlers. It's for small children. Okay, okay, okay. I'm with you. I'm with you.

So I thought it would be real funny to just like leave it there and then like, I just throw it out when someone found it. Yeah. But now it's like a part of where we live. Have they not discovered it? They have and they love it. What's the problem? Yeah.

Leave someone a gift is what that's called. Yeah. What's the issue? We live in a very small dorm. I was about to say, I have an issue with it and that is like, where are you going to put this kid's bike? I live in a house I bought and I still don't have room for a kid's bike somewhere. Sorry, Henry.

Sorry. Yeah. It's nine months old. Uh, so where do you, what should you, is it worth the memories and the goof to keep this very inconvenient bicycle somewhere in your house? Just to get rid of it a few times and they say no. You got to pay it forward. You got to sneak it back out.

The problem is you're going to need an alibi. The only problem is the only place you can put it is apparently the trash room and they're going to know right where the fuck to find it. Oh, maybe that's what that's the cycle. That's the cycle. Tell them that you know they love the bike, but it's someone else's turn to watch the bike. So you have to return it from when it came.

Let me ask you a question because I had a good idea. Do you, oh, we have additional details. Okay. Hold on one second. I love, this is the show of we'll let me chime in. Hold on. Let me take a swing at it. You're my side of the story.

I got this. What's your name? Sarah. Hi, Sarah. And you know Charlie, right? Like this isn't just like, all right, Charlie, you're done. My question. I also have a bike story.

We are sweet mates. I have seen the bike firsthand. It is beautiful. Thank you. Okay. Now there's. Wait, no, no, no. Everything.

Is there more to the? Yeah. It has two flat tires. Well, I wasn't. Oh, so you can't ride it. Well, no, I get why it answers my question, which is why did somebody throw this bike away? And I think it's because they got to your school and then we're like, fuck this.

Okay. So here was my question. Does your school have an art department? It is an art school. It's an art school. Okay. Okay. It's a toddler bike in the treasure.

Of course it's an art school. Don't kill yourself. Can you commission a painting of this bike? Oh, shit. You changed the number of dimensions in which the bike is available. Exactly. It was previously a three dimensional. Paintings don't got kickstands unless they're on an easel, which is kind of like a kickstand

for a pain. Yeah. You solved this. Yeah. I know. I was very excited about it. Let's go out on a high. Yeah.

Do we help? Yes. So much. Thank you. All right. We have to wrap up because we are doing another show in like an hour. Oh, God. And that's wild to me.

That show is going to suck compared to this one. Unless some of you bought tickets to both, in which case it will be just as good. It is. I should warn you, though, all the same jokes. So, sorry in advance. Please come back and ask your bike question again. I want to let everyone know we have posters out in the lobby. If you haven't checked them out, they are beautiful.

Yep. Oh, thanks to Kevin Budnick for designing it. Yeah. Kevin Budnick is those and they're great. Thank you to John Rodrick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song. It's a departure. Thank you to Paul, who has helped us this entire tour. Like, it's so, so, so much.

Thank you, Paul. And thank you to the Wilbur. Thank you to the Wilbur. Again, like... Wilbur is a beautiful place. Yeah. We've done two very good shows here now and that means a lot. Thank you.

And you know what? Thank you, Boston. Thanks, Boston. Thanks, Boston. All right. Now, every week on My Brother, My Brother Made, Griffin gives us the last question that we ruminate on and then revisit the next week. And Griffin, what is that question this time?

I'm very excited for the discussion next week on this topic. Oh, wait. As you mentioned, we are... We will not be able to... Yeah, we can't hang out after the show. Sorry. Because we have to do another one. There's literally no way that time...

That's how time works. But we met a bunch of you before the show and you were all super cool, so thanks for shaking your hands and high-fiving with us. You're the best. Okay. A lot of you had sticky banana fingers from the bananas you crunched, and I will never forgive you. So this was sent in by the delivery man, Seth Carlson.

Thank you, Seth. Finally, God, it's from Yahoo! Answer's user, Curtis. We've been waiting for Curtis to hear his thoughts. Curtis asks, if you die on an operating table but come back to life, is your birthday changed? My name is Justin McElroy.

I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, me. Kids, your dad's square on the lips! Mugs, shirts, stickers, patches, tanks, and more are yours for the purchasing at MaxFunStore.com. Hey, you already love the podcasts, so why not take this to the next level and outfit your home and bod with our merch?

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