My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 378: Pumpkindaze 2017

Episode Date: October 30, 2017

Legally, we have to say the first, oh, four minutes of this episode is just ALL parody, all the time. It's definitely, definitely covered under fair use, and there's just no debate about that. Suggested talking points: Anything Can Happen On Halloween, Pocket Ripper, Kidney Stone Caper, Accidental Party Crasher, Slimebusters, Buttons Immersion

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Oh man, I can feel it. You know, until you hit the second part of that verse, it's very confusing. It still could be Tim Curry talking about fucking. Less about fucking, but.

Oh yeah, buttery. I have goose flesh, and I'm also rock hard all over. Anything can happen on Halloween. Your dog could turn into a cat. There's a surprising, you're doing a surprising amount. That's the end of fair use. Christmas time, brings the snow, summer time, brings the sun. But on Halloween, your blood begins to run. There's something spooky going on now, and they think it's happening on Halloween, it's better than a video.

Is this fair use? No, not at all. The resemblance is going to mess up every cassette from London to Idaho. April 1st can be fun. New Year's Eve is a bore. But on Halloween, your flesh begins to crawl. Oh, I'm losing control now. Anything can happen on Halloween. Your toenails go wrong, and your head turns green. What? Your teacher could become a sardine.

Oh boy. Why didn't this could turn into a queen? Anybody seen my tambourine? I might start playing Begin the Beguine. The craziest night you've ever seen. This hairier, scarier, creepier, crawlier, Halloween. So that was from the Worst Switch, the 1986 version, not the new one. And that was produced by HBO.

So this might be the last episode of My Brother and My Brother. I think they probably fight for the protection of their properties. I'm pretty sure that's fair use. I don't think seeing the entire song. Because somebody could just cut that and put it up on Spotify. And then we'd get all of Tim Curry's money on that one. So do you want to introduce the show? Or do you think that pretty much summed it up?

I'm Justin McElroy, the best witch. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm okay. I do okay as far as witching goes. I'm neither top nor bottom. I would say I am a mediocre witch. I'm Griffin McElroy. I'm a sandwich.

Sandwich? I get it. Very good, Griffin. Jesus, Juice. That was, I didn't think you would really do the whole, the whole track. Once I get started, I can't stop. It's so good. And now your voice is sort of extra gravelly.

It's been touched by Tim. Justin's going to be in that deep register touched by Tim, the whole recording. He'll be this Taco Bell, that Pepsi. Live Moss. So this is an advice show for the Modron era. I don't know why I'm the one that has to say this stuff, where we take your questions and turn them alchemy like into wisdom. Three pound.

Yeah. Well, this is our extra special spooky Halloween. Crawly episode. Most crawly. All Hallows Eve are souring our Dia de los Muertos episode. Sure. Our other others got to be more trick or treat. What?

That's not a real robbers robbers day is celebrated in some places. So all saints day. All saints day. And it's not candle nights yet, though. It's coming around the corner, though. I feel like it is candle nights for you. It might be. Well, that's true.

Right now is just pumpkin days. Pumpkin days and scarecrow nights. You know what I mean? D-A-Z-E. That is me. I am in a pumpkin day. In a pumpkin day. Because everything's got that pumpkin spice in it.

Am I right? The other day, I had pumpkin spice flavored gas in my car. So what it sounds like, and let's be careful here, because Travis might be on the verge of establishing some permanent Mbam lore. But it sounds like you want to add to the agenda. Pumpkin days. D-A-Z-E.

All one word. And this is a precursor to candle nights. That can last in any amount of time when it's over. This has a finite beginning. The beginning of pumpkin days is when Starbucks brings back the pumpkin spice latte. I don't like giving them that amount of control. That feels awful commercial.

No, but to me. I know. But listen, we're at a point now we've sold out. I want to talk about something other than pumpkins. Well, pumpkins, not pumpkin flavor. I think pumpkin flavor, we've covered pretty as a people. We've all talked about how we feel about pumpkin flavor. The reason we keep talking about it is it's very funny

to make a joke about this hot, sweet beverage. I want to talk about pumpkins. Okay. Yeah. Okay. What even are they? Big potatoes? No one's quite sure.

Gervarum and neighborhood. And while some people have Halloween decorations, which is terrifically spooky, there's a lot of people who have just put a pumpkin on their porch. And I think that that's great and festive. But I do have to think about this. It's every pumpkin's first Halloween. That must be so confusing.

So you sit sort of at a patch with all your buds. And then someone brings you home and just puts you on their porch. And they're like, well, that'll do. And then they walk away like as a pumpkin, what are you expected to do? Like it must be very confusing. Like what is your, what is your role? If you're a pumpkin in that scenario.

This is feeling a lot like a new Pixar DreamWorks film, but maybe an extremely bad one. So maybe it's actually just a weird, secular episode of Veggie Tales. So Justin, if I can make sure I get this straight, you're worried about the pumpkin's experience in all this. How is the pumpkin experiencing Halloween? I don't want to personify it too much

because obviously things get a little rougher. Before they get better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And by which they never get better because they don't get put back in the patch. I think if you, if you do get the jack-o-lantern treatment, at least you know where you stand with your owners. At least you know it's a contentious relationship

and nothing is expected of you. Yeah. Justin's saying this relationship is you were in a field and now you sit in front of my house and you're just going to chill there until neighborhood tufts comes. Right. If it's a jack-o-lantern, the pumpkin's like,

oh, I get it. I'm being murdered. Yeah. I understand. What do you think the pumpkin? I think the pumpkin performance art. I get it. And what do you think the pumpkin thinks

when they cook them into a pie and sees other like food getting cooked and the food's like, oh, no, I'm getting cooked? Like the funny cartoon sort of sex romp that the super bad guy made? I just think it's confusing. I think that pumpkins are confused. I mean like the trees, at least you're a tree.

Like you just have to tree and they put pretty stuff on you. I get that. I get that. But I think for a pumpkin it's like- Do you mean Christmas tree? You mean Christmas tree makes sense. We get it.

Christmas tree makes sense. I get it. You're decorating a tree. I get it. But the pumpkins are just like your food, but I'm going to keep you out here if that's okay. And what do the rabbits think on Easter when I bring them into my house

and I put the little Easter hats on them for the holiday and I put an egg up inside them? Yeah. What about the Arbor Day celery? You know what I mean? Like that's got to be confusing for the celery. Bunnies don't even lay eggs. You ever think about that?

That's why I have to put one. In. In there. Wait a minute. Why the fuck do you think we're coloring all these eggs for, Trav? Just to have a bunch of loose eggs all over the place? No.

It's to finish the illusion. It's to complete the art. You're right, Griffin. Complete the egg. I guess I got egg on my face. We got to tell a joke at some point. We're like 10 minutes in. And one of these points you got-

So far all we've done is sing a Tim Curry song and then done about a bunch of- We've just said a lot of sentences but they haven't had its sort of traditional joke construction. I feel like if more people around the podcast had leaned in with my great pumpkin material that it would have caught fire, I would just sort of scattering tender on the ground

hoping that someone would come along and light it into a comforting comedy place. So should we do a question? Yeah, it seems- I mean, that might work. I do want to say, so I was putting questions together for this episode. We did not announce like we're going to do a Halloween special but y'all just sent in some questions

intentionally Halloween spooky but some questions that were just naturally spooky and it makes me wonder if maybe the world is just scary all the time and it's Halloween to notice. Yeah, weird. Yeah, weird. You just took just notice now. Okay, here's the first question.

Earlier I was speaking to my brother and he stopped in the middle of the conversation stared me dead in the eyes and ripped out the pockets of his jeans. I've never been more terrified by a human's raw power. The strength of not only him ripping the fabric out of his pants as he was still wearing them but also these are his favorite pants and he still wears them.

Should I confront him or immediately go and search for a priest? That's from thank you for your time but I fear by the time you see this he will have come from my own pocket's Gmail. I don't know. I mean, this is certainly startling. I don't know if this is Halloween spooky. I don't think your brother is the pocket man.

And there they go. This does make me think, you know, it's easy for us when we watch a horror movie and you see someone acting strangely in the movie and you the observer are like, why doesn't this person realize that something's off or that clearly something's off? But then you see this story and it's like,

you know what maybe they're just like, well, that's my weird brother who rips the pockets out of his jeans. And he's like, no, he was possessed. He was possessed. Why didn't you see it? Like anyone watching the movie of Question Askers Life was like, get out of the house.

What I think happened here is because really there's no reason to rip pockets off of your jeans. I am convinced that the only reason we are all wearing pants is because of the pockets so we can have a place to carry our yo-yos in. But I think maybe the pockets were maybe loose already and as a fun stunt or a sort of superiority play, your brother just weird out yank of it

to those bad boys right off the pants. I am more impressed. I am, okay, let's take a quick poll. What's more impressive, the raw power of rending the pockets from the jeans or the sort of like devil made care throw caution to the wind nihilism of saying, I don't need pockets because I, Justin McRoy,

I need pockets desperately. Oh, yes. Like I think non-pockets would be instant trash for my jeans if they didn't have pockets. Human beings need pockets so badly we invented fanny packs. Yep. Like we had to get additional pockets to strap on to our pants. Nobody looks at a cargo pant and says

that will make people very attracted to me. They think I have a full-size original Game Boy and damn it, I've, oops, I have four of them and now I have a home for all of them and this is great. Just imagine if you imagine it from this person's perspective. Yeah. It would be pretty terrifying. Yeah, especially if there's some kind of noise associated

with the tan, like does a, he did it and like, whoa, and then he would drop right back to, so anyways, yeah, Guardians of Galactic II. I really liked it. It's like, no, what just happened? We gotta, we gotta, it's gotta be the rear, I'm looking at my own pants now and I would encourage everybody at home to think of this to your own self.

I can't really tear the front pockets out of my pants because they are part of it. It's not like I have a pocket on top of it. Like I do the back, the back pockets are just like a flap that's buttoned up over the, the butt of the jeans fabric. That is not true for the front pocket. So this had to be a rear pocket situation, which I think only makes this more confusing for me.

I was picturing like the fabric sleeve, the fabric. The fabric sleeves, whatever it means. Yeah, the pocket remained, the outside was, but you're taking like the inner guts of the pocket out. Maybe this person is planning. He wants to do a jerk off, a secret jerk off. Well, I wasn't gonna say that, Griffin, but sure. Your brother's nasty, why would he do this before you?

Cause now this is gonna be like, uh-oh, someone's doing a secret jerk off. We need clues, Mindhunter. Oh, I know. I think I know the culprit. He did it fucking right in front of me, ripped him right out. I think it would be, maybe he would,

maybe he's like kind of a Gallagher sort of person or a carrot top. And he's got a bit where he's like, I'm trying to find my keys. And if he did this, he could just keep reaching deeper and deeper into the pockets. That's pretty good. It would be pretty good if he's like,

no, that's not there. Nope, nope, that's not them. No, that's my knee, huh? Weird, I'm, and then eventually he would probably fall over. I'm trying to imagine what a punchline is. He put like really deep pockets. So you're like, okay, you ripped the pocket out. But then from his knee, he pulls out the keys.

And it's like, holy shit. He has the world's deepest pocket. Maybe he's like installing, oh, okay, jeans makers. As far as your arm goes down, that's how long pockets should be from now on. Man, I love that. I could get so many runts in there. I'm gonna do a little experiment.

Like we're on a Bill Nye show. And I'm gonna try to tear the fucking fabric out of my pants pocket right now. I'll try mine too. I'm wearing pajama pants. I love the pants I'm wearing there. Some of my favorite brown pants from the Gap, but I'll still try it.

So, do you wanna go at the same time? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, try to count it down. Three, two, one, rip. Um. Uh-oh. I'm getting some traction. Listen, listen.

Okay. I'm definitely getting some tear. Griffin, stop, think about it. It's not worth it. Shut up. Oh, I'm doing it. I'm done, I'm done, I'm done. I'm gonna stop.

You wait, you can't start and then not fit. You can't start it or not. Guys, I really love these pants. They make my butt look like just two hams. But you are already, okay. This is another great move. Now take those to a tailor or a dry cleaner and be like, yeah, pocket mits have.

Oh, bummer. It wasn't the pocket that was tearing. It was the seam on the side of my pants. Okay, let's talk about my current look. Cause now it's not like a cool sort of skinned knee look. You know, like the acid wash, cool look. It's like maybe six inches from the belt down on the right seam of my pants.

There's a considerable hole that one might be able to slot a jawbreaker into. And I don't, I'll never be able to explain to anyone why they are that way. Can you text, can you text a picture? Yeah, I'll text you a picture right now. Oh no, I don't have my phone. It's charging in the other room.

But do you not trust me that? No, I do. No, I heard it. I heard it. Shit, guys, I really like these pants. Fuck. All right. Well, how about a Yahoo?

Fuck, I'm so gonna be sad. Yeah, sure. Why'd I do that? I hate peer pressure. We didn't make you do it. We don't have any of the suggestions. Run back the tape. You brought it up.

I think this is cyber bullying cause we're on a Skype call. Here's a Yahoo that was sent in by the delivery man, Seth Carlson. Thank you, Seth. Shit, man. Thank you, Seth. It's Yahoo Answers User Anonymous.

Jim Curry asks, I have to convenience, Jesus. I have to convenience my friends on social media that I have kidney stone. It's not for attention. Actually, I failed my exam and I have to prepare for it and I feel ashamed.

So I wanna give them an excuse why I'm not going to spend the weekend with them. Help. This isn't, it's, I think kidney stones, personally speaking, is not a rich comedy vein cause I had one once that they had to surgically remove it. I think they put, you know, little, little Dennis Quaid in a machine in Siamapinas

to go up in there and sort of laser blast it. And it was sucked a lot. So it's not, I'm not necessarily thinking it's the funniest but I do think that somebody trying to sell a fake kidney stone vis-a-vis 140 or perhaps even 280 character tweets is good to me. So can you sort of describe what the experience of having a kidney stone was like Griffin?

Yeah, sure. You know how sometimes- My body's a temple and I don't allow that sort of thing. Your body is a fucking bean hole. It's a hole that you pour beans into for, in order for you to just continue to function. Well, isn't that true of all of us though? We're all just bean holes and we should really think about it.

And what it was like. Okay, you know how sometimes you pee is yellow? Uh-huh. Nope, not this time around. You know, sometimes you pee and it doesn't feel like you've just been gored by a big, big bull or hit by a regular size train. Uh-huh.

Well, that doesn't have to be the case all the time. I think maybe we could pull this off with a vine. We have to bring vine back in a six second video of you doing a vape trick or water bottle challenge and you do the water bottle challenge and you get it and you're like, Ha, ha, hell yeah. Oh, and you follow it.

Ha, ha, ha. And then the caption of the vine's like, Lull in the hospital now had a kidney stone attack. But did you see that? Did you see that flip though, hashtag dab? So what color was the pee? The bad color, Justin. Let's not, people listen to this podcast for pleasure.

I'm just trying to figure out if we could sort of replicate that with food coloring of some, some sort of text to your friends, like guys, I'm freaking out. You don't go for kidney stone. You enlist your friends in the diagnosis of it. So when you do arrive at kidney stone, it's a win for everybody, do you understand? I do like this.

It's like hashtag Lull, anybody see Riverdale last night? So weird. Also, I have cloudy or foul smelling urine and persistent need to urinate and nausea and vomiting. Lull, hashtag Jughead, what a clown. I'm looking at the, I'm looking at the Mayo Clinic page for this now. And it's like, did anybody hear,

anybody got extra tastes to the weekend concert? Very excited for it. Also, I'm experiencing the weekend, but without the second E or the 30. And also I'm experiencing pain so severe that I can't sit still or find a comfortable position. Hashtag hit me back. I'm available.

Lull, standing tickets are fine. Does anybody know how cushy the seats are at the weekend concert that I'm doing a ticket to? Maybe you go, maybe you go even further back and it's not just you talking about the symptoms, but you set it up for a while in advance. And it's like, ha ha, anybody get to steak and shake after the game on Friday?

I'm real excited. I've been really enjoying my high calcium oxalate diet. And also I have a family or personal history of kidney stones, which Lull, I hear is sort of a genetic risk factor. Lull, Lull. Never been a problem for me though. Lull, I sure have.

Hashtag blessed. Lull, sure, I'm dehydrated, not drinking enough. I wonder if that's a risk factor for any sort of, sort of condition. Lull. Then you loop your friends in like they're like little houses and you get, you start, you say like, I don't know, maybe I've left some clues somewhere in my timeline

where you could help. Oh yeah. You could have saved me, you had all the clues. Lull. Lull, Lull, that especially works to be as a friend name with Lull. You could have saved me, Lull. Lull, have I mentioned I've always had gout

and just cannot get enough of all this high sodium high oxalate diet, just really getting going for it. Also I did great on the exam. Don't even ask. Also I did very good at the exam. And I was eating really salty pretzels while I took the test and they gave me energy to get 101% and now I'm the teacher.

Kidney stones are intensely, intensely personal. Maybe you could just have gout. Yeah, just have gout, gout's a way better way to go. You tell like a 10th grader you've got gout, they're not gonna know what the fuck you're talking about. Tell them you got the consumption. I'm a loner. And you have to move to an arid climate.

I know we were gonna play Mario Odyssey all weekend but yeah, I'm got TB. I don't know what to say. Gotta move to the desert. Y'all, I'm thinking about it. Disquade never did come out. He's in my, he's in my wormy somewhere. Yeah.

Exploring. Meditating. He loves, he's very peaceful. Dennis, please don't, please don't grow back. Please don't go back inside of there, bud. Oh, shoot, bud, you'd make my, don't bud, come on. Don't make my business explode. So on Thursday, I went to a Halloween party

being hosted by a club at my college in full druid costume. Very cool mask, the works. About 45 minutes in, I was informed by a sheepish gentleman. It was, in fact, a club only party, not one hosted by the club. And I had drastically misunderstood the situation. Thank God, I had not eaten any of their food yet

and I made a rapid escape, absolutely mortified. Wow, hold on, I need just like one second. There's a lot of, yeah, I'm so brittle. Oh God, oh, that's from, my question is, how do I retrieve my skeleton from when it jet-packed directly into the sun and recover? And that's from, worse social anxiety situation ever, question mark, no exclamation point, friend.

That's definitely one of the worst things I've ever, there couldn't be a worse, unless they were like, unless the only way this could have gone worse is if they'd been like, excuse me, it's a, and you're like, oh, sorry, club only party. They're like, a funeral actually, is what you've arrived at as a funeral. And it's a club only funeral.

It's a club, also it's a club only funeral and you're not welcome. That's the thing, every place I go, I'm waiting, my fear is, I'm waiting in fear for someone to walk up and say, you're not supposed to be here. Oh, I can't, I cannot tell you how far this would set me back as a person. It's like, it's been such small increments

in not getting told that I don't belong at any one, like I cannot think of a situation that line would not work on me. Especially if I was in costume, that's the thing, like you're not supposed to be here. And also you clearly spent a lot of time putting that costume together and you're also not supposed to be here.

Like, okay, bye, I'm a hermit now. If we were doing a live show and my face was on the marquee of the venue and someone was like, actually, you're not supposed to be here, I would like immediately leave and just assume you guys hired Dustin Diamond or something. Yeah, Juice, that's who we, yeah, Juice.

Yeah, Juice. Good pool. That's who we go. Travis, luckily, even though it was a bad pool, you said pool. I did. And so we can all focus on that. Yeah, I'm thinking pool first.

This reminds me, this occurrence reminds me of one of my favorite Brent and Travis college stories, which is we were trying to branch out, I mean, new people outside of the theater department. So we went to a party in the science and engineering building with all the science and engineering kids. They were all very nice.

We knew nobody, I knew nobody there. We were moving around the room, introducing ourselves, making new friends. We were thirsty, we saw a 12 pack of Mountain Dew, we broke into it, got two Mountain Dews out. Oh, what a party we said. And then about 20, 30 minutes later, they announced that the auction would be starting

to raise money for the science and engineering department. And the first item I forbid, a 12 pack of Mountain Dew. Now, in our defense, not a good auction item. No, please tell me you just bought the whole thing to make up for your shame. Nah, we ran away. For two Mountain Dews, that is actually the most, a lot of people say the quintessential college stories,

like, yeah, I got so fucked up and barfed on a, you know, barfed on my dad, but like I stole two Mountain Dews and ruined a party because of it is actually more sort of my kind of experience. So I'm right there with you. Can I do something real quick? I'm gonna reach down here, I'm gonna take off my shoe, and I'm gonna put it right on the other foot.

Oh no, it doesn't fit good, because that's not how shoes work, but I want you all to envision that you are in this club or perhaps the president or consigliary of this club, and you are throwing this party and all the club members are there and you're having a great time. And then a person you don't know shows up dressed up

as a druid and starts just sort of milling about, do you think you would have the gumption, the gumbo to walk up to them and say, get out of here? Griffin, I don't know that I would have the gumption to do that if somebody walked into my house dressed like a druid, let alone a party I was throwing. Now, druid costume, I feel like, the fact that you say very cool mask

that works kind of paints a picture in my mind, if it was just druid costume, I feel like that is abstract enough that I would not. But I'm imagining sort of, we're dealing with a mask, we're dealing with a cool mask, and we're dealing with a robe, almost definitely. I cannot imagine a druidic sort of garb without a robe involved.

Person you don't know walks in with a robe and a mask, I cannot imagine asking them to leave the party without receiving some sort of Halloween spooky fright of some sort. I do, by the way, my favorite part of this question is, thank God I hadn't eaten any of their food yet. Yeah, it's like the River Styx, once you, once you enter five gamma gammas spot

and you taste of their apples, you are, you actually, now you're a pledge, I'm so sorry. We're gonna need you to leave, this is a club only event, and you are going to need to reimburse us for those five peel and eat shrimp. I, it is a horrid, think about this for a second, you see someone in a robe and they're wearing a very scary mask,

and then you go up to them and you're like, hey, sorry bud, club members only. I don't know if you've ever seen a horror movie, but you're about to get stabbed. Yeah. Like that's, you have definitely entered like, a stabbable situation with that sort of pull. I don't know how, I don't know how usable this information is,

but if this ever happens again to anyone listening, just slowly turn your head to face them, say nothing. Or, or, or sort of croak like a, uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Yeah, and then just like walk past them as though you didn't register what they said, and then about five minutes after that you can leave, right? But like, you, you turn and ran away, and that is what anybody hosting this podcast now

would have done, definitely, I feel you. But did you consider maybe the other option of something else you could do, which is you just turn into a bunch of bees or turn them into a bunch of bees? Did you even think about turning them into bees or yourself into bees? Did you consider maybe I'd like to pursue membership now?

Yeah, I, I'm in your club in the future. Hi, I'm in Chicago. I love, I wanted to make a big impression on you so I could get in your club. Why was this, why was this party advertised? I don't understand. I don't understand. Why did you know about it? Why would they, why would they put up a flyer? It's like, sweet party, costume a must, no outside.

No druids. No druids allowed. What if you had lifted your mask and your face was their face? I think that would be the best response to it. Oh, that'd be good. Club members only, boom. All right.

Your, your club members only, you open up your bunch of skeleton bones. Could you do it? Could you do that? Next time, the next time this happens to you, when you take your mask off, it should be the person that tells you to leave but 30 years older.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're like, I've come to warn you. Yeah. And make it clear they've seen some shit, you know, like it's gone downhill since this party where they kicked you out, like don't kick me out. If you do, things will go very terribly for you. And then they're like, okay, cool.

Have some Mountain Dew. And you say, all right. And then you stay in a good time and then you turn into a bunch of bees. I just really want that to happen. You have to turn into bees. One way or the other. At some point, is it gonna be, you can't,

it's not a party unless someone turns into a bunch of bees. Yeah, that's what our grandma always said. As mortifying as this would have been, on some level, it had to be a relief because I could think of maybe three parties in my entire life where if someone had walked up to me and said, you have to leave now, I would kind of be like, oh, thank God.

Oh, great, cool. Thank you so much. That's excellent. That's excellent, it's... Justin, I'm curious about the thing you said. Do you think, Justin, you've ever turned into bees at a party that you may be even through? Maybe you threw a party and you're like,

oh boy, anxiety's a little high. Time for bees. And you turn into bees to get out of there? I've wished for that ability. I know I don't have that ability because I've tried so hard to turn into bees so many different times and it has never worked. Oh, don't abuse the power.

Don't abuse the power. It's gotta be in a situation. When it's right, you'll know. I do like that Griffin, for you turning into bees, is synonymous with making a quiet exit. Well, hold on, because now I tore my pants earlier. This sounds like another challenge. I'm gonna sit here real hard and try to turn into bees.

Travis, count me down. Okay, three, two, one, bees. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Fuck. I just turned into one big bee. Well, that always means it's time to go to the money zone.

Or should we say the honey zone? The honey zone. I got honey dripping out of my stinger and everything like bees do. I know. Okay. Our first sponsor this week is pollen. I love scooping it up and shitting it out

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Yes. Can I tell you about zip recruiter? Okay. Do you have a joke past that? I plan on being the rest of a bee for a rest of podcast, Travis. Oh, okay. That's the joke is to have dedicated myself

to being a bee for the rest of podcast. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, go on, go on, go on, go on. I don't know how to replace it. I already got full dog body surgery and I can't go, I have the punch card from Dr. Cool Bodies Surgery Studio. So I guess I could go back in there

and see if I could get a free bee. But anyways, zip recruiter, are you hiring? Do you know where you can post your job and find the best candidates? With zip recruiter, you can post your job over 100 of the web's leading job boards with just one click. Then zip recruiter puts its smart matching technology

to work on the worldwide web. I hate web's because I flew in one one time Spyro almost got me. When you put it on the website, it actively notifies qualified candidates about your job within minutes of posting so you receive the best possible matches. No wonder 80% of employers who post on zip recruiter

get a quality candidate through the site in just one day. Zip recruiter, the smartest way to hire. You can find out today why zip recruiter has been used by growing businesses of all sizes in industries to find the most qualified job candidates and immediate results. We need a new hive queen.

Tell us where to put the royal jelly and stuff. And we got this, her name's Amanda. And she does great work. And right now our listeners can post jobs on zip recruiter for free. That's right, for free. Just go to ziprecruiter.com slash my brother. That's ziprecruiter.com slash my brother.

One more time to try it free. Go to ziprecruiter.com slash my brother. I want to tell you about Inhumation. Inhumation is a comedy drama web comic about dead teenagers burning in hell. And by burning in hell, I mean working a fast food job and going on awkward dates. The artist also does illustration commission.

So go to ivstudios.net slash inhumation. Check out the comic today. Mention this ad and you'll get 20% off an illustration commission. So ivstudios.net slash inhumation. You didn't do enough bee stuff. Bees. Okay.

Griffin, do this one. Why do I do it? Because there's a part about honeymoon. And I thought that that would be good. Okay, okay, okay. Shut up, shut up, shut up. Okay, edit this one out later, Greg. Who is this message for?

It's for Caroline. And it's from Mike Tibbs and Sayly who says, Happy birthday slash wedding day and or honeymoon to my favorite person. Fuck, hold on. Happy birthday slash wedding days and or honeymoon. Mmm, sounds delicious. To my favorite, they don't eat the honey day.

Let me try again. Happy birthday slash wedding day and or honeymoon. I make honey to my favorite person in the world here's to years and years of us watching TV and movies, playing video games, cuddling with the fur babies. I'm assuming those bees. And whatever flavor adventures we find ourselves on,

best honey flavor. I love you. That's so sweet, like honey is. I need to help. I'm Hal Lovelin. I'm Danielle Raffer. I am Michael Eagle. And we are the hosts of Tights and Fights,

Maximum Fun's newest podcast dedicated to all things wrestling. We'll be talking about Sasha Banks, the women's revolution, Sasha Banks, the brand split, and Sasha Banks' wigs. And we'll also be talking about wrestler fashion. Some wrestlers wear too many clothes. Some wrestlers don't wear enough clothes at all.

And I'll be doing impressions of all your favorite wrestlers. New episodes, Thursdays on Maximum Fun, or wherever you get your podcasts. Oh yeah, dig it. Tights and Fights, podcast, Tights and Fights. How about a yahoo?

Yeah. This is a good one from Jay Clowsing. Thank you, Jay. It's yahoo answers user. Latanya asks, how to get slime off the ceiling? How to get slime off the ceiling? Additional details?

Happy Halloween. That's for me. Very spooky. Okay. I wanna say something. I'm a parent of a three-year-old. There's nothing funny about this question. This question is not funny at all.

It's very serious. Cause there's slime. Here's a question. How do I get slime out of my fucking house? My daughter likes to make slime with glue and contact solution, and all manner of ungodly things. There's a, you know,

lard and glitter and little, the little foam beads you put into things. It's a nightmare. Foam what? It's like a little, you know, like micro fill, like micro beads that you would put in a bean bag or something. A bean bag?

A bean bag. Sounds terrible. Don't put me in a bag. She likes to make a lot of it, not play with it, and then put it in a bag where it can be my problem forever. I've started like reverse, like reverse contraband,

trying to figure out ways that I can smuggle slime with other trashes that will not be detected. You just gotta eat a little bit, just a little bit at a time. Hide it behind Rita Hayworth, I think. Yeah. The slimy, slimy Rita Hayworth poster you've got. What's going on?

You don't understand. A bunch of slime back there. Do not touch that poster, please. Please don't. This is for the good of everyone. I've been digging a hole to put the slime into. And Chris this morning, Charlie, come in here. What, it's just a poster?

Yeah, rip? Yeah, really. Slime, slime. Oh, Justin, is that the problem? Did you say I don't know? Did you say I don't know, Justin? That would get slime off the ceiling, right? Yeah. Can I ask you?

Stand underneath it, say I don't know, and it'll fall right on there. Yeah, was Rosie O'Donnell anywhere? Just sort of hiding but also secretly hosting the kids' choice awards. No, she was not. But can I just say, I think that you can't do that on television, gag is really gonna land with our demo.

Yeah. I appreciate that. How has that not had its own nostalgic resurgent? Like, I don't know, I feel like it should have hit, right? I mean, the hidden temple hit. Where's my Pete and Pete like rebirth? I would watch a, you can't do that. Oh no, I'm thinking of what would you do?

Shit. Where is that, what would you do rebirth though, is what I'm looking for? Just people opening up lockers, and maybe there's a pie, and maybe there's just slime, but maybe there's roller blades. Okay, now is what would you do, the one with John Quinones?

Yes. Where is that the other? That's the one where John Quinones puts people in awkward situations in real life to see how they respond to them, and if they do a good job, he lets them go to the prize lockers. And sometimes there's a gag in there,

and sometimes there's a flum in there, but sometimes there's a, you know, tickets to Universal Studios Orlando, Florida, where they can go and catch a new episode of the mystery files of Shelby Woo. Or catch a predator. Or catch a predator. Was that Quinones?

No. Wasn't it? No, that was Shelby Woo, did that, she hosted. She hosted the catch a predator. Yeah, a fictional catch. Okay, horrible news, what would you do is in fact, the name of the show with John Quinones,

and the show with the game show with Mark Summers. Yeah. I'm not gonna change it, they have to change it. That's just been off the year for a long time, John. I don't care, I'm not changing it. Now, John Quinones, have you considered putting maybe even a little bit of gag in your situations, just to sort of serve as a narrative thread?

Just serve what? Oh, this army vet lost his wallet, and also his gag. Now, in order for this to be fair use, it had to legally be a remake. So for the last three minutes of the show, I'm not gonna put any strangers in awkward situations, I'm just gonna throw a pie at my dad. That is how every episode of the Mark Summers

only chew do ended. How did we get this fucking slime off the ceiling, though? And I put this one on here, because maybe I thought it'd be a spooky Halloween one. I didn't know it would reverberate with Justin quite as much as it did. Yeah, it is scary to me. I will say that, I'm sitting here spooked.

Why doesn't your daughter just have one slime? I don't understand the need for more slime, more slime. She doesn't wanna play with it, wants to make it. But then you're not allowed to throw it away? But then I can't throw it away. Because it's a gift. So she makes it and keeps it, and then that's it.

What I should try to get her to do is start selling it. Maybe I could put her to work in that sort of junior achievement sort of situation where she's just making the slime and then putting it in little containers and selling it to buy food. What if you started storing it in a very large lock box and then on her 18th birthday,

you wheeled it out and said, this is where your college money went. Yeah, to this nice slime box. Yeah, well, I mean, the money, I don't know what, but you're talking about contact solution and glue. That ain't cheap. No. Contact solution isn't cheap. So like, I don't know how many thousands of dollars a week

you're spending on slime fixings, but it can't be cheap. Are you okay, Justin? How are you doing with your money? Are you poor now? It's not pricey. I mean, it's Elmer's glue, it's contact solution. No, don't give out the recipe here.

Are you crazy? Why not? If I give out the recipe and there's a huge rush on it, maybe I won't be able to find the ingredients at the store. What if everybody in our whole listening audience, here's the recipe you give out, makes their own slime, slime gets big and strong, takes over the whole world and spreads and consumes all of us,

and then that one's on you, Juice. There are certain ratios of the slime recipe that turn it into a fun slime for the whole family that does not stick to your furniture. And then there's other ratios where it's basically a furniture destruction kit, where it's like, I just wanna destroy this ottoman forever. And this is the slime that I've made to do it.

Juice, I got a great idea for you. You get, Charlie, you say, all right, new slime recipe time, this one's gonna be a lot of fun. And you say, Terry, take this ground beef, and you take these onions, and some minced garlic and chili powder, salt, and some oregano and stewed tomatoes, and then, oh, you're gonna love this.

It makes it all sticky and fun. Some tomato sauce and some kidney beans. And we're putting them in this crock-bowl, make the most fun slime. But then, at the end of the day, you say, it's like, guys, it's gonna take eight hours, and we're gonna turn this to high, because that's how the slime gets the best.

And then, you know, the day you just got chili, baby. Edible slime. Chili's just edible slime, my man. Chili's just edible slime, but oh, what a good and delicious prank to pull. And then, you don't have the slime problem anymore. And then, all of a sudden, now, you know, she's on MasterChef Junior,

but she can only make chili. Today, you're going to make my most delectable beef Wellington. Charlie, let's see what you've got. It's chili again. Well. Okay. Did you make it good, chili? It's good chili, and, God, gosh, dang it, you're cute.

Let's get rid of an ugly boy. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! But my crust, my crust is so flaky. Yeah, I don't care. You're gone. But I'm also British. Now, now, Charlie, here, this time, I see you just sort of dollop chili into cupcake wrappers.

You know that that's not a cupcake, right? I mean, that's chili, still. And my sweet Charlie, what do you call this? Slime. Okay. Daddy's slime. Daddy's slime. Okay.

I think that considering chili's one of the three foods I can eat, that's probably good. The jib's gonna be up pretty quick. I had to look up an all recipes chili recipe to name all those ingredients, by the way, and now I'm just looking at pictures of chili and just having some sweet day dreams.

Justin, read the next question. Oh, right, Traff, no problem. I'm hungry for chili now. I need to get this show done, and we got a three-question minimum before we can wrap up. Okay, this one, next one's weird. For as long as I can remember,

my dad has been afraid of loose buttons, like the one you would sew onto a shirt. He refuses to be near them or interact with them in any way. However, he's completely fine with buttons that are attached to clothing. My mother also shows frequently, so there's a large amount of loose buttons around their house.

Perfect. How can I help my dad overcome his fear of small plastic circles, and that's from disconcerted, descendant indicator. The real Sam and Diane situation going on here. No, can't you, boy, see? Can you see the truth here? Look at the pieces.

Put the pieces together. I had the clues the whole time, I could have saved her. You had the clues the whole time, whoa? The buttons. The mother likes to sew buttons, right? Hey, honey, will you sew this button on a shirt? I can't, I'm afraid of loose buttons. What?

Yeah, committed to that. That, like, the father has to- You're saying the dad doesn't wanna sew so badly that he says he's afraid of- A fear of loose buttons. Like I say, I'm afraid of the noise that the weed wacker makes, and so I just won't go near it,

because it scares me so bad. So it's gonna be like, honey, the button fell off my favorite Oxford, can you sew it back off for me? I'll get around to it, but I'm freaking out. Yeah. Help, please do it now. It's just sitting there, mocking me.

Look at it. It's gonna eat me or whatever. It looks like a very bad plate, a very small bad plate. What if it gets sucked up in the vacuum and brace it? That's terrifying. It's kind of like how I'm afraid of distortions in the world's electromagnetic field, because it throws off all my receptors.

Shit. Throw away all the buttons, like throw away all the buttons or put them in a special button box. If your dad says, here's a button, your dad worked so hard to, you know, send you to dentist school or seminary, the only two schools there are.

And the least you could do is when you hear him yelling and yelling and yelling, you go and you pick up the small button and you put them in the button box. This is not that, if this is your dad's thing, there's not, there are worse things, there are worse things. You do understand that, but when it says loose buttons, it's not like buttons are on the loose, right?

It's like, even if they're in a container, it is still a loose button. But if he doesn't know, you just put them in a closet or he doesn't know where they are, but it's fine. But here's the thing, right? I'm afraid of spiders, right? I've told my wife this many times, and if my wife was like,

no, I'm still gonna keep an old cookie tent full of spiders somewhere in the house. That's the most wild thing you've ever fucking said, Travis. But that's what's going on here. Your dad's like, I'm scared of buttons, and mom's like, cool, cool, cool, here's my big thing of buttons. Yeah, but she probably isn't mean about it like that.

Now, I will say you could be. You could have essentially what I would consider to be a human, no, no, can. If your dad starts acting up or, you know, maybe he tells an embarrassing story at a wedding or a graduation party or a, you know, seminary graduation party, then you just get out the no, no, can.

And you don't even, I think I've had a certain point, you don't even have to shake it anymore. He sees it, he knows what's in there, buttons. He knows what he did. He knows what he did. You don't even need that. You can just start tugging at a button on your shirt, like, oh, feels a little loose,

and then your dad like runs away. Yeah. I kind of have to side with Griffin here. Your dad has been through a lot raising you, and I guarantee as a child, you had fears and concerns that were far more irrational than loose buttons. Yesterday, my daughter screamed,

literally screamed for 15 minutes because I flushed a poop of hers before her mommy could see it. And that was 15 minutes of that because she really wanted mom to come in and see the mommy wasn't there at the moment. So it would have been sort of a museum piece for a little while,

but still I shouldn't have flushed it. So like you've done, like you had worse things than loose buttons when you were a kid, and your dad didn't try to throw them in your face, so don't throw loose buttons in your dad's face. Unless, Unless.

You can set out the best, most effective, and most cost efficient haunted house that has ever been devised. And they just walk into the house, and then there's no decorations or spooky lighting or a chainsaw man, but there's no chain on it because we're just having fun here.

It's just you and your standby or laptop plugged into maybe 14 speakers arranged all in a circle around the room. The door will lock behind him. You're getting mom's help with that one. Get your mom, hey kids, get your mom's help for this fun haunted house. Then you press play on Spotify and it is the Pussycat Dolls featuring Snoop Dogg's buttons.

And then you just reach into just a big box you have and you just start letting those little guys fly. Can I tell you why I love this girl? One, it's a great idea. But two, I love the idea of a- The song Pussycat Dolls button, but you did the buttons. I like the idea of a bespoke haunted house

that is only meant for one part. Like Derek, I heard you were afraid of, you know, the car from Knight Rider. And so like you walk in, I built you a whole haunted house that's just about the car from Knight Rider. I've put a lot of work and it's only going to be effective for one person.

Yeah, I have Mr. Feeney here and he's gonna do the thing. Mine would be, so just to welcome the door locks behind me and it is the robot woman from Superman 3 standing in front of the old HBO logo as it flies across the screen. That would be fair.

Yeah, that would take me to town. But here's the thing. This is, this doubles as fun Halloween fair and immersion therapy. I came out of a regular haunted house and I haven't been cured of my fear of mummies and generally being murdered by supernatural or natural forces.

But after this sort of buttons gauntlet, after this sort of Pussycat Dolls torture chamber that you're locking your dad inside for a little bit, I think this problem's gonna solve itself. And then he's gonna love fun. And what is your greatest fear? Mine? Yeah, I feel like Justin and I talk about our fears

a lot on this show. Yeah, so I think that we, other than the intro, didn't say anything funny for the first time as the podcast. And then we did a lot of B talk that I think maybe overstated to welcome us like us by a significant margin. And I guess my biggest fear is all the tweets

we're gonna get from people saying like, man, my Bim Bim is over or like, I was excited that it wasn't gonna be another live episode because I hate those for some reason, but there was just all the B stuff didn't really connect with me and- So you think the episode's gonna generate a lot of buzz? Well, that's gonna do it for us here on My Brother,

My Brother and Me. We hope you've enjoyed yourself. Want to say a reminder to you that we are sort of, we got the rest of the year like lined up ticket-wise. If you want to come see us live, you have basically two slim opportunities to do so. The first is in Chicago on the 16th at the Chicago Theater.

And the next is in Milwaukee, November 19th at the Riverside Theater. You can find links to both of those McElroyshows.com slash tours, there is a third option. What's that? PodCon. Oh, that's right, PodCon for sure. Yes. Good point, Traff.

December 9th and 10th in Seattle. So we're going to be doing an MB&B AM and also an Adventure Zone Q&A. Also like we'll be participating in a bunch of different things. Also there is gonna be Welcome to Night Vale, Last Same Basis, John and Hank Green, let's see, Sawbones, Still Buffering,

bunch of things. And you can find out the whole lineup at podcon.com. Tickets are still available. And there is also an option even if you aren't able to attend where you will be able to hear everything later like in a remote attendance thing. So go check that out at podcon.com.

And we hope to see you there. I want to thank John Roderick in the Long Winters for the use of our theme song, It's a Departure, off the album, Putting the Days to Bed. It's an extremely spooky album that gives me horrible nightmares. Well, no, it's, no, it's not. It's the least.

I also want to thank Maximum Fun for having us. You can go to maximumfun.org slash jumbotrons because they are gonna go on sale this week to get jumbotrons on the show. They're gonna be selling them for the first six months of 2018. They're going on sale November 1st. That's this Wednesday at 11 a.m. Pacific Time

and I promise you they will sell out. So if you want to get a message on the show or any of our podcasts for the first half of 2018, make sure you lock down your spot. This Wednesday, November 11th at 11 a.m. Pacific Time, Maximum Fun.org slash jumbotron. Speaking of November 1st, at Joseph Beth Booksellers here in Cincinnati,

I am going to be moderating an event, a book reading and signing with the new Welcome to Night Vale book with Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craner. The book is It Devours. Joseph did the last one, so I get to do this one. She last time asked me to do that

and I guess I must not have... Well, now I live in Cincinnati. Hmm. But that's going to be Wednesday night at Joseph Beth Booksellers. I believe seven o'clock. Hope to see you there. I have one more little plug too.

It's the Radio Topia Place Drive that's going on right now. The radiootopia.fm. Our dear friend Roman Mars has a whole bunch of stone killers over there getting it done every day and you should kick a few bucks their way if you like some of the great shows they do.

So radiootopia.fm. Here's that finally. Yahoo is sending by Kirsten. Thank you Kirsten. It's Yahoo answers user. Come on. Come on, baby. Come on, baby.

Nope, it's not going to load. Roman Mars asked this and it's really him. This is really Roman Mars. So I'm going to do his voice. Where does the noise from the doorbell come from? Oh, Justin McRoy. Hi, Travis McRoy. I'm Roman Mars

and this is going to be the worst episode 99% of his boy ever. I'm so sorry, we ran out of ideas. Hey there, folks. I'm Ryder and performer Dave Holmes and I host International Waters, where we pair a team of comedians in LA against a team of comedians in London

in a pop culture trivia battle royale. Comedians like Josie Long. I worry that it makes me seem like I'm 80 years old, but I hurt my knee and it is just on the menu. I'm going to do my best to make sure that I'm not going to get hurt. I'm going to do my best to make sure that I'm not going to get hurt.

I'm going to do my best to make sure that I'm not going to get hurt. I'm just on the mend and I can't tell you how delightful that feels. If I want to walk down some stairs, I just go for it now. Michaela Watkins. We have a country where, like,

our leaders actually deny global warming. So we are going to have more beachfront property than any other nation. I mean, it's going to shrink our country in half, but it's okay, but that's just more beach. And many more. Join us every other week on International Waters with me, Dave Holmes.

Find it on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.