My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 381: Face 2 Face: Griffin's Big, Brave Stunt

Episode Date: November 22, 2017

We just got back from our tour of America's beautiful Midwest! Here's our show from the Orpheum Theater in Minneapolis, which features our worst on-stage injury to date. It was regrettable, and also hilarious.

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hey baby, what's up, how's it going? It's familiar, but not too familiar, but not too not familiar. It's a new kind of song Ain't many girls even wanna just say

Hey, I wanna Just say, hey, I wanna People ask me, Justin, How are Minneapolis audiences? And I tell them Minneapolis audiences Are the horniest audiences In the world

You're all so horny It's a little overwhelming Hello My name is Justin McElroy And welcome to My brother, my brother, me and advice show for the Modular I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy The first Justin was more of an MC

Oh, yes, baby And then I was walking myself into the character of Justin McElroy You know, that's true Because we are all just a character we play That's so deep, Travis And the character I'll be embodying this evening Is your middle-est brother, Travis McElroy And I'm your sweet baby brother

In 30 Under 30 Medialuminary Griffin McElroy We played a show Travis did, I went out on the audio record Travis did just shush Griffin's applause He gave you a I just thought it was a little bit like Y'all were just trying to make a point We like Griffin

Yeah, okay We did a show in Minneapolis like two years ago And I'm remembering now the horniness I'm not saying this for applause Because when y'all were doing that thing you just did It was like, oh, yeah So horny Holy shit

What's up? Like the Chilean minors, we've emerged from the ground And returned to you Minneapolis I just think of everything we've done for the past few years As sort of like dead air between our two performances Oh yeah, absolutely I measure everything and how long it's been since Minneapolis

We're so happy to be in the Orpheum Because this place is fucking beautiful I said it, I said it Yeah, the Orpheum It's so beautiful I thought, I wanted to say Morpheus But that's the fucking Matrix We're in the Orpheum

Can we get the chandelier turned on? Because this place has the most Buckwild chandelier I've ever I don't know if you have the chandelier switch Whoa, they broke it My angel of music There it is Look at that So we were talking about it backstage and here's the thing, y'all

We're gonna need you to help us steal that chandelier Oh, it's going away They're turning the lights off Please don't steal our chandelier Please don't steal this chandelier We're gonna need someone who's good at gymnastics We're gonna need a hacker We're gonna need a face

We're gonna need a face person A person with a face, I guess We're gonna need someone who's not afraid to get in there and mix it up and scrap with people We're gonna need A gun-haver A gun-haver A gun-haver We're gonna need someone with a van

We're gonna need someone to go get burgers We're gonna need someone to just say like, hey, how's everybody doing? You guys doing okay? Do you need anything? Show of hands, does anybody in here ever steal anything that's worth more than $100? Okay Wow, a lot of good people in the audience tonight No, that balcony, that's full of crooks The balcony's nasty

You all can't see it, but you balcony folks are nasty Which is great, they're closer to the chandelier Also need to say Because sometimes our fans take things very seriously Please don't steal the chandelier No, you know what, Griffin? I'm sorry If y'all can figure out how to get up there No, we're not entreating you to steal a chandelier, wink

They won't give us the money for the show They won't, because they're like, you stole our chandelier, take it out of the chandelier sales Finding a pawn shop big enough is the problem Yeah And ritzy enough Yeah, you're gonna find an offense with very specific needs Can we all just eat a little bit of the chandelier? Oh, no, they are turning it off now

Thank you, chandelier, everybody big hands for the chandelier For our listeners at home, there's a very big good chandelier in the room And we're gonna eat it And we're gonna eat it every last delicious crystalline bite We're gonna steal the smaller chandeliers down here To give it to the big chandelier As tribute As tribute or fuel

This one used to be small, and they kept feeding it small chandeliers And it got so big You didn't need to turn it off, or I am just gonna stare at it It's so gorgeous They're like, no one's ever asked us to turn it off We don't know how to turn it off We're gonna do an intermission a little bit in so we can go pee That's the truth

It's right now, thanks, y'all, you've been great And then after that, we're gonna do some audience questions And y'all know the rule for audience questions There is now a second rule that we've added, which is Ask for actual advice Yeah, please give us a question No anecdotes, it just doesn't give us much of a runway We take your questions on the show and we turn them alchemy-like into wisdom

Let's do that damn thing Let's do the damn thing Let's get dirty Let's twist it My husband and I have two cats that both use the toilet In our house No, you don't Do you mean like use a toilet, not like go to the bathroom because everybody's cat does that

Yeah, they use the actual literal toilet In our house, we only have one toilet That is something that you probably should have thought about before you taught the cats to use them When we have guests over, we ask them to leave the toilet seat up and to flush if they see any pee or poop in there Is that last part too gross? I never thought of it before, but I realize it might be disgusting to ask some folks we have over to look for poop and flush it down Is that weird? And that's from a cat's cat flush Are you here?

Are you here? Alright Everybody cheered all at once Oh, you're a hive mind Okay, great We are here I will say this First off, I want to get into the cat's shitting on the toilet because that's chef kiss

Pretty much But I don't know that you need to give your guests special instructions for what to do if there's poop or pee in the toilet Because it would be a fairly rowdy house guest who's like, huh, look at that, a bunch of dookie Anyway Like, presumably Is that just what they do here? Cool Cool, okay, well, allow me to join When in Rome, I suppose

How European Here's my leavings Adios I think That was really gross I hated being on stage for that Let me ask you this What's weirder? Telling your guests like, hey, we've trained our cats to use the toilet so you might need to flush after them

That one, that's the weirdest possible Or two, we keep a box full of dirt And it's just got poop in it all the time We keep a box full of dirt that they poop in it, and by the way, the dirt smells worse than the poop Hey, cat litter manufacturers Can you do something? It smells really bad already That's the base state

There's never a cat litter that's like, is somebody making fried chicken? I think it would be so funny to see little poop in the toilet Looks like David the gnome got in there and wrecked your biz I would love that I would be so excited I don't think I'd be able to flush I'd be too stoked Aw

Aw Look at that little kitty in his biz This You know the bad part about seeing the kitty poop in the toilet? What? Is that you know upon seeing it that you missed the cat shitting at the toilet Aw man, he's not gonna do it again tonight Aw man, can't believe it

You think he's gonna read the little kitty paper? No kitty magazine He's a big fan of Garfield I can't understand the amount of work that goes into teaching a cat to do a person thing Like using a toilet And you can't go the final yard there To cross the 100 yard line into the touchdown area By forcing them to learn how to operate a very small lever

You did the hard part which was convincing a cat to pee where you wanted them to Specifically a big bowl like a big thing Like how did you start that like hey cat Shit in this room or ever and so they I'll just narrow it down To different places you can shit The answer is the bowl The um

The question is where does it stop Because you can teach your cat to shit in the toilet And then you can teach your cat to flush And then well I guess you should teach the cat to wash its little paws And then it's like Taxes Now please go Off to school

Please go get a job I guess I had a joke but you guys can go ahead and do yours first It's just these jokes and this question is like Meet the parents kind already, dug this one out for us And I don't know it's And it's gonna be funnier I just had a long time to sit in a room and figure out fun

Ben and Robby De Niro got together and they're like We got three weeks let's think of some really funny stuff to say And we just have to say it right away do it It's not fair Ben still gets all the breaks How about a yahoo though I love that Sorry my eyes stopped opening there for a second

The road man How about this one it was sent in by Lauren McPherson Thank you Lauren it's yahoo answers user Cotton That's really their name Nice Cotton asks My bed smell bad

I tried everything I could but the mattress still smell bad What can I do Mattress smell bad Oh man my bed smell bad I tried everything Shoot My bed I tried everything

Big washing machine Hosan soap Bed smell bad still Wet wash cloth Pine saw Tricky car wash Risky candle My bed smell bad

Risky candles in the bed still bad Wish on star Bed smell bad Bed smell bad Aw man Sometimes you stay in a friend's guest room And I just did this in Chicago so this is not a read on them but Bed smell bad

Bed can smell bad And you know it's great Bed has sheet Bed has pillow Bed comfort is great It sounds like you're leaving off a certain aspect about bed Bed Bed smell bad

Yeah And you know what Bed doesn't spontaneously smell bad No Like a bed has never just started smelling bad for no reason Bed smell bad Long time Bed smell good

Forever Except Human Human make bed Smell bad Smell bad bed Human Try bucket for breeze

Wish on star No good Still stink dreams Still stink dreams Extra incense Five Six Bed smell bad

What can we do about the bed smell bad though The bed smell What was it I think we've tapped it We've tapped it We've tapped it right There's no more The mean

All the ways bed smell bad Bed smell bad Or better Does anybody else have any ones they want to kick in Because bed smell bad Bed smell bad Try everything Try everything

Bed me Baking stuff Well people are now offering handy suggestions on how to make the Yeah Fuck hallowees No We're just trying to do a comedy show up here The bed smell bad

How about another question I don't care about this bed anymore That's the end I fucking hate this bed now Stupid bed For the last couple of months I've spent some of my downtime watching YouTube tutorials on how to do some card tricks It was never serious interest

But something I could show friends after a couple of tricks Okay so You've been learning how to do card tricks Let's just lay it out there Let's put the tiger on the table You didn't accidentally learn card tricks Right I was watching and it turns out

Picked up a couple things Watching other people do card tricks on YouTube Yeah I know One of my friends was so impressed He decided to talk his boss into hiring me to perform at their company holiday party In a month without my knowledge I know about ten card tricks With about three good ones

Oh no Do I take it on and risk embarrassing myself and my friend Or do I decline the chance to make some extra cash That's from Maybe Magical in Minneapolis Holy shit Are you here? That was the best yeah Two question ratio

Oh shit they just turned into a bunch of dogs Ah fuck It's just that like You gave yourself an out in the email which I appreciate Because there's no amount of money you could pay me To go somewhere and do bad at magic In front of people I do like though

I didn't think about this when I was growing up But now I'm thinking about it Hearing Justin read it out loud You are considering doing it Yeah That's the real problem isn't it Like there's a part of you that's like Listen I know how it's gonna go but

It's money Just Matt it's just card tricks I feel like you could hire a plant Or several This is sort of like Was this your card? Yeah it totally was You did it

And then someone next to him was like It was his card It was He's not a plant This guy's not a plant I came with this dude He works at HR you know Everyone's plants

Every single person you know Can you just take the money you were gonna give for the show And give everybody like four dollars And just be like please be cool Here's one consolation if it helps They can pay somebody to do card tricks at a party You can't pay me to watch card tricks at a party So there's a very good chance

You could walk in your room be like Hey everybody I got something everyone can enjoy Press the digitation Bye bye bye There's punch, goodbye Also I don't know what this business is But your friend deserves a raise If he can sell

Hey I saw my friend do a card trick so good You should pay them to perform at our holiday party That's a hard sell That's tough Okay okay okay I got it I got it I got it I got it Table

Four chairs around it Say this is very intimate I do intimate close-up magic And keep saying the word intimate Yeah say intimate a lot I feel like if I'm gonna get everybody through my set I can only do about three tricks I'm sorry I know many more great ones

Oh so good Even better than the ones I'm doing now Even better than the ones I'm doing now But these are my intimate set This is my three song intimate set That I can only do with four people Then you just churn them through So you don't have to keep it up for 15, 20, 30 minutes

It's just like five minutes of intimate close-up magic Speaking of intimacy One other thing you could do Is introduce some light stripping in erotica Like you only need three tricks If each one is preceded By 15 minutes of 15 minutes of tasteful erotica

Yeah Justin Yeah Is the erotica tied into the show? Like the pattern Oh yeah we're talking about ace of clubs Ace of spades both pasties Like is this your card?

Doesn't even matter anymore Is this your card? No it's not That's the jack of diamonds I had the three of hearts Oh well here's my butt Is it gonna say my card on your butt? No

Here's what I can guarantee you If you introduce some light tasteful erotica Into your office party No one afterwards will be commenting about How few tricks you knew That is a promise From me to you You want a yahoo?

Sure This one was sent in by Stefon Ruby Thank you Stefon It's yahoo answers user Ned Racine Oh last name too Oh no Thank you Ned

Ned asks Invent new sport Bird fishing Ha ha ha Just right out the back Can I point out Birding then Like

That's a different thing That's a different thing I know but you can't put Fish-ing in there Yeah sure I'm going deer fishing Do you mean You mean hunting right?

Just think of it Pooking a tough old nasty crow On your line Having the bird take to the skies Having the drag on your real Spewing outline Fuck Having more

Finishing Finishing Completing Achieving Having more fun than flying a kite As the bird soars into the blue sky You nasty Ned You real nasty Ned

Finally like fishing Do the catch and release Sounds like a lot of fun You can even invent special lures Etc Great news sport But What would be the open season

Would there be some species off limits Give me your input please Yeah Ned I think there will be some Species off limits Yeah Ned There's already some Species off limits

Ned Did you kill this bald eagle No I did not Officer I fished it I fished it out of the sky Gonna eat it So it's good Now it's good and legal

Oh Ned He caught me again The problem I have with this Everything about it is great Agreed And logical and good and right And pure But the thing about birds are

They're not smart animals But If you as a bird See a worm in the sky You are going to know something is up Bird in a A worm in a lake A fish thinks like

Oh it is not your lucky day Filling the lake No swimming A chomp chomp chomp Right Unless Unless Bird sees a worm in the sky

And thinks like Look at that magic worm I'm not gonna let this opportunity pass I have to know what the magic worm tastes like That's a very short sided worm though Cause if I was a bird I would say Go magic worm

Make others like you For future generations of birds You make my job so much easier magic worm Do you think that in bird fishing You're like The bobber would be like a balloon I think a balloon and a worm Cause you couldn't just like throw it up in the air

And hope that that second was when a bird went Travis you're making this Parallelously close to a great Achievable idea Okay The balloon really took me Cause like I'll credit to you

I was having a trouble with my mind's eye Getting the worm up there But of course the balloon Yeah Excellent No I mean we're on some busy world of Richard's Scary ship for sure No listen

I don't support this But with a few tweaks I don't support it But I don't know how you can not support this And support fishing Cause in fishing you're like Ha ha ha Here's the water worm

At least this time you're giving this worm The best day ever The most unbelievable story of all time Yeah But here's the problem And I love that this person in this question Is like And then

You catch and release the bird I don't think that's how that's gonna go Yeah You have plausible deniability When you catch and release a fish Cause it's like Ah I got him But don't worry

I just put a hook through you But you're free Splash gone And then you don't have to see it You don't get that with a bird Unless it's very foggy outside Maybe Right

Or you throw it Very hard And turn around real quick That's what you do With a fish you can be like Ah did you get hooked on some sort of line Allow me to help the little aquatic friend Says who

I can't believe somebody did that to you A bird watched you A bird knows you And also a bird doesn't need to run And hide back in water to live A bird just gonna chill there And maybe talk to you about what just happened Hey

What the fuck What the fuck I was here for that whole thing Yeah I saw all of it Do not invent new sport bird fishing No But if you do But if you do

The balloon is mine We will happily be the announcers If you go pro But it will just involve a lot of this Oh no Oh shit Oh no Oh that's horrible to watch

Oh it's everywhere Farm Farm Wisdom Farm Wisdom Get your friend dug two spade bugs Farm Wisdom That's right Farm Wisdom is back tonight only

For our friends I've never I didn't even tell This is a surprise to them I got a whole page here Of farm fun facts that I looked up And we're just gonna talk about farms For a second

Y'all got farms in Minnesota Oh my god you're all farmers Well shit You all know this Yes That is true That thing you said This is a very complete list

With a lot of ups and downs If something is not funny We're just gonna move on past it But you'll have learned something And that's the important thing Goats Are great companions for other farm animals Including horses, cows and chickens

That's a good hang That's a good hang right there Also not true There are very few animals That will just ram shit One mature you, a female sheep Produces seven to ten pounds Of newly shorn wool a year

Enough to make a man's suit Presumably a very patient man Go ahead No it's fine Prom's not for another seven months I can wait Just keep growing it Goats were the first animal to be domesticated

According to many historians No there's no way According to some people who don't know shit Like no way Was it goats? Trust me Pigs are considered the fourth most intelligent animal After chimpanzees, dolphins and elephants

Wait what about humans? We're not on the list Didn't rank Here's a good one Ow Cows can recognize their names Fuck you But though

Though They may not come when called Okay Honestly list fuck off Sometimes when I say my cow's name It comes to me Sometimes It doesn't

How do you, okay Because the only way I could think that This is a fact is that you would say like Skiven and the cow would turn and go Nah Nah nah nah Nah man Maybe that's just not the cow's name

Whoa It's got a proud cow name That you don't even know about What if you just named all your cows cow? Right? It'd be very efficient cow When do you ever want just the one cow? Well

There's a time when you just want the one cow Slow cow Aw man Gotta stop eating meat This fact actually This is in sequence And this fact actually comes at this point Female sheep are called used

Yeah I know Could have used that earlier That was up the list That was earlier Cows have That came like Oh shit, did I say it?

Shit I'll add it in I'm not gonna scroll back up Cows have a memory of about three years Oh shit So don't name your cow four years ago That's what it is Cows have a memory of about three

So you could tell if three years have elapsed But hey do you Remember me owing you any money In 2014 No, okay, excellent How the fuck do you know that? Honestly Especially enough to say about three years

About three years Some are more forgetful than others Goats are great swimmers Goats are fantastic, okay What cannot goats do? I don't know that I have a memory of three years Yeah, it's a good Yeah, now that I think about it

Goats are fateful and they make for life And they mourn when their partner dies Oh shit That's not so much a fact It's just like hey And also Devoit, no bummers just No bummers

Cows can sense a storm coming And we'll lie down Okay Stop, stop It is time We need a peer review Where is this list from Justin? It's just farm stuff

No, my buddy I screenshot it I don't know how to have an internet connection Can I jump back to the geese are fateful thing? Yeah, then I'll jump back to the cows And be like, ah, storm coming later I think it's great to say geese are fateful All of them

You know there's nasty geese Right, there's the geese out there that's like Listen, when the other geese is away or whatever I don't know, geese, whatever But that idea of all geese will never Never Never Listen, when you're surrounded by so many of those long

Elegant Beautiful Sexy Curved Next And those next they got They can look all around You know geese on swans, right?

Like swans on geese Swans on geese Swans on geese Swans are, it doesn't matter Not really Playing with me in the space a little bit It feels like maybe right now We have a room full of farmers here Griffith

That's true This room is farmers only Are you down with your fake list of farm bullshits? At this point, at this point, I do start to worry That the question, the person who wrote this list Started to take their love of goats And sort of delve into fan fiction Because the next fact on here is

Goats have rectangular pupils Allowing them to see well in the dark I think that one's actually legit That one's legit? No, they legit have rectangular pupils But like, the idea was I thought you were gonna say like Jeremy is the best goat

I love you Jeremy Fact, Jeremy's always there for me Jeremy is also faithful And he Some wild goats can climb trees And can walk along a ledge Not much wider than a tightrope I like this one because that means

At some point, a human was watching a goat Approach something terrible and said Let's see where this goes You never know Hold on, let's see how this shakes out I also like, some wild goats can Some can Some can

There's a wild goat, dry a tree all day Nothing's doing How will you know the difference? There's one way to find out Not all goats can walk across thin ledges But eventually, all goats will be able to Jeremy can fucking do it Jeremy, the best goat

Here is another question Some friends and I Are at my buddy's parents' house To stay for the weekend I like this present tense I've never been here or met his parents before It was a road trip away And 15 minutes after arriving

I went upstairs to use their luxury rain head shower Got that road stink on you guys Unbeknownst to me The handle was only meant to turn 90 degrees I proceeded to turn it 180 In one swift motion, ripping it off the wall Currently, I'm naked and damp And the shower won't turn off

More party guests will be arriving within the hour This is socially awkward, Defconn 1 What do I do? And this person has literally just written Derek Brown from Osceo, Minnesota So just like, don't even question it Derek, somewhere, I'm assuming Derek's not here Derek cannot be here

Derek cannot be here I just heard that and I'm like, wait, what? What? Oh, shit! He said, what's the dog? Derek, are you here? He made it out Okay

Oh, shit There's so many elements At play here You could play it off just like You've got a cool new water feature now It's upstairs and inside And forever And forever

So it just takes the water through the drain And then recycles it back up to the shower No, the utilities are You would not believe Also, there's no hot water anywhere else in the house How strong are you? You're very strong, Derek He's so strong

Too strong That was the... That was the... Sorry, weakest delivery of the sentence I'm so strong, I never... Usually it's, I'm so strong No, I am I am very strong

Because right now, Derek knows that there is only shame In that strength Yeah This is the moment where our Herculees Just can't control the power And knocks over all the columns You know what I mean? And he's not like, boom, you know

This is sad Can I ask you something, Derek? And you don't have to do it Wait, listen Can we get Derek a mic? We have a crowd mic Or you can come down here He's up in the...

Wait, wait, wait Derek, are you in the balcony Or are you on the ground floor? Okay Down here If we could get Derek A crowd microphone Or you can come down here

And you can just talk into mine Whatever Derek, where are you, friend? Because I got it We could... We could talk about whatever garbage we want to But honestly, we do need to know How this actually shook out

Okay Hey, Derek Derek, my first question for you is this Yeah How long did you stand there With the handle in your hand? That's actually a very good question And how long was your...

Oh, no! To be honest, I thought it had been hours As I was standing there But it was probably just like... Keep the mic close to your mouth, Derek I have to hear every single lady's cell phone But not too close You'll ram it through your face

With your incredible strength I mean, we have so many suggestions Of how you could have done it better But I do want to know how this played out So badly It was... I stood there long enough That I knew that people were going to start wondering

Wow, he's taken a shower for a long time Yeah, right Which has other sort of sinister... How long was that? Which has other sinister conversation Correct And I was waiting And the handle fell off

Well, so I... On the worst part is my friend Had another friend had taken a shower before me And apparently figured it out I guess it was fine Hey, but it doesn't sound like a real heart It's not a jigsaw puzzle, my dear How to not break the shower is...

Not a tough one How did you fucking cloak your shit, Derek? I don't know Well, I... I facetimed my girlfriend And she was like... Wait, and what? What's the second half of that?

She was like... She was like, why? Are you in the shower? And I was like, there's no time! Yeah I need help So how did you get out of this situation? She phased out your girlfriend and jumped through the phone

She was like, just go downstairs And explain And they'll understand You're a crazy person? Yeah, that's obviously not any sort of solution That's not it I texted my other friend downstairs Who's a plumber?

And eventually... What? What? What now? A plumber There's a plumber? Your friend's a plumber That's the only right answer

He figured out how to turn off the water Oh, that's anti-climactic And his... Apparently the bathroom was like His mom's like, sanctuary area And she's never gonna forgive me Enjoy your relaxation, Deborah Correct

I made it steamy permanently Forever So did you ever admit to it Or did you figure out a way to re-affix the handle? I tried to fix the handle And it didn't work And I shamefully admitted to it And now are you and your friend's mom like best friends?

I don't know about best friends Was she angry at you? Who wasn't? You didn't do it on purpose I don't want to lie here How did Deborah react to you breaking the show? She was... She said it was okay, but it wasn't okay

Okay, yes, he had That's correct Big hand for Derek, everyone Well, folks One time... One time we were in Florida And we were staying with our Uncle Dave And Uncle Dave was psyched about the new screen doors he had

In his Florida house I did that in mind I've probably told this story on the podcast before But I saw a golf cart in his driveway and it got real excited Also, the video game Grand Theft Auto 3 had just come out I saw the golf cart and I yelled, Grand Theft Auto I jumped through the screen door And...

Not on purpose It wasn't like Grand Theft Auto screen door and I thought, I'm going to jump through that No, I saw the golf cart and I thought, Grand Theft Auto I jumped through it And my Uncle Dave said it was okay, but it was not okay Folks, we're going to take a break During which time you can go relieve yourself Go refresh yourself

That's what we're going to do, straight up Go to Purchases There's posters Yeah, there's posters out Made by Steven Sugar They're fucking beautiful and wonderful And we love them so much So go by those and get your questions ready

And please have real questions And we love you very much And we will see you in a few minutes We love you, goodbye Hey everybody, this is Griffin McBoy Sweet Baby Brother Thank you so much for listening to our live show This was our show for Minneapolis

From the Midwest tour that we just got back from yesterday Sorry for the late episode We were all traveling yesterday And so here it is today If you came out to these shows Thank you so much We had a lot of fun Except for the part where our...

Well, I'm about to do a stunt in the second half of this show So if you hear a bit where everybody starts laughing at me for no reason It's because of the very cool and very brave stunt Anyway, I'm going to tell you about some of our advertisers And then let you get back to the rest of the show Our first advertiser is Casper Casper is a sleep brand That continues to revolutionize its line of products

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Limited time only Terms They also apply here I have a gemotron message This one is for Future Justin And it's from past Justin who says Dear Future Justin Congrats on getting the hell out of the navy

I hope you aren't wasting it with that Dank kush and video games I hope you are Get out there and do some good for this world PS I bet you wish you had these 100 smackers right now Don't you? Too bad

You should have talked me out of it Suck it Past Justin I don't know if this is our first jumbo trying to feature A prominent suck it And a self suck it too Which is impressive But yeah

Hey Current present Justin Get out there And be the change I think Here's another jumbo tron message This one is for Band Spelled B-E-R-N-D

There's some helpful pronunciation tips here As well as the information that he's Austrian so And that helpful tidbit comes from Amanda Who says Pretend for a second this is the adventure zone Where it would be more fitting for me to commemorate And thank you for our many adventures together From pillow fort snuggles

To exercising you in the park To exercising you in the park Do you mean doing exercise or to get a demon anyway To not dying on your motorcycle Smell you later Or ideally sooner Maybe on my side of the pond this time That is a very sweet message

And I'm sorry you couldn't get an adventure zone It's a very competitive market right now And with the economy the way it is Something something something the economy I think that's it We sure do appreciate you listening to the episode We are going to try really hard to get a new episode Recorded for next Monday

So we don't do two live shows back to back again But with the holiday this weekend and folks are traveling I'm not 100% on that but we're going to try really really hard To get a new episode for you next Monday I think that's it Oh so when we come back after the promo For our fellow Maxfun podcast here After the break

We lost a little bit of the recording But we are just going to jump right into the middle Of a spoiler alert A haunted doll watch And it's a very good haunted doll watch And we hope you enjoy it And we'll talk to you next Monday Bye

So join us each week as we admit that this is hard But we're getting really good at it Find us at Maximumfun.org Or wherever you download podcasts How tall is the doll again? Juice and inches? 48 inches That's a lot of inches, holy shit

Okay It's a lot of doll She's from the 1800s Uncertain of exact year She's sustained a foot injury from a bad fall You're told me It wasn't an injury Wait, no this is important

When they say from the 18th century The doll The doll of the ghost I don't know Her foot remained broken And it is the same to this day So translation The doll's foot did break

And I did not fix it You cannot notice Due to her beautiful long Victorian dress Oh I'll notice The doll's foot is broken I didn't fix it But you won't notice But it's cool

You're not going to bring this on You're not going to bring this on Haunted Antiques Roadshow And they're going to miss the foot I always suggest Leave a vessel as is For there's a reason And you'll upset her

You're lazy You're lazy Well here's the thing My worry is with the broken foot The ghost is going to leak out the bottom You can hear her roam the hall And hear her drag her foot You're just

No Now you're building it into the character And you know what it's better Because her foot's broken It's even better than other ones I broke it on purpose She may enter your bedroom at night And touch her face

Okay What's great about this is Y'all reacted She won't She won't It's a doll But y'all were like Well now no

No Up till now She might It gets better She may enter your bedroom at night Touch her face It will feel like a spider web Is that better or worse than it

Feeling like a haunted small porcelain hand It will feel like a spider web Also in one way Very lightly Because she is captivated by human life form It's a wild way of phrasing that Actually it's just her going Fix my foot a little bit

Please She has such a grudge She has such a grudge She has such a great beauty She could have any man she wanted Anne was lucky with love Hold on Let me read this entire sentence

Because you're going to be very tempted To get in here Please let me read the entire sentence Her witchy ways Her beautiful eyes Her hair Clothing Jewelry

And her body Lifelike She is a designer doll And has real looking breasts Oh no I have never owned a vessel Or doll that looked like this Meaning real

She is shown on the Victorian couch In the same old house I found her And where I heard her cries I can't believe there's more Her clothing alone is very expensive Also to mention Her true to life look and build

She is a true companion We get it We get it It's a fucking thing You want to fuck a ghost doll We fucking get it We get it Have I made it clear

Excuse me This is one of three that I have And decided to let her go To another good home That's a cool house you have What a cool enjoyable house You have to live in She has many talents

And can help you with most anything They're not fucking automatons You don't get one of these Fucking things for sweeping, right? Do you think at this point Like his wife walked in Like what are you typing? Like I'm selling you, dear

She is very active Once again, I warn you Once you look into her eyes Very sexy I gotta warn you Once you look into her eyes You will be captured by her beauty She is breathtaking

I know once you see her You will want her Holy shit If she is meant for you She will stay in your mind And perhaps she will enter your dreams And you will not get her off your mind Man or woman

Well, I feel like we Okay I feel like we started a bit At the beginning of this read And this person heard us do that And they decided to yes and However many weeks ago Yes and us with their doll

I just hope that three brothers Read this listing Once again, she is true to size A four foot per... I mean, yeah, I guess Yeah, sure Beautiful clothing, glass eyes Beautiful jewelry

Made of porcelain, vintage Just like a human being Real clothing, glass eyes Glass eyes Beautiful jewelry Made of porcelain, vintage And her defective foot You cannot see it

That's what it says Made of porcelain, vintage And her defective foot But you cannot see it You will not notice her foot But you will notice her breasts Her breasts God and hands

She has one of a kind For sure Well, she's one of three It sounds like The other two's feet ain't breaking Whoa, that sentence was bad I want you to really listen to me For this next paragraph, okay?

Really listen to me I can't, Justin It's the end But I want you to like Really think about it She is one of a kind For sure Ask yourself

Do you want her? Do you need her? Do you want love? Only you will know She is sold as is And beautiful So that's the Haunted Doll Watch For this week

We can never do this bit again You all may have just heard The last Haunted Doll Watch What a momentous occasion I can't imagine a doll watch Better than, listen This doll's super haunted And super stacked

And check it Check it You won't even notice the foot Can I tell you the terrible truth? I read the first paragraph of that And thought, yeah, it seems good It's a Babe Ruth Call shot

Pointed the outfield Okay All right, we're going to start Making people for this part Please stay in your seats And be cool and If you could lower us Like our lights about 30%

So we can see and bring those house lights Just all the way up Because it's real hard To find people sometimes Yeah Just give me a full house Okay God, there are like

A lot of people in here A lot of you If we could get even more house Unless us It would help us Because right now I just see sort of A bunch of overcast faces

I know that you are not Normally tasked with illuminating The audience That's not really what the lights Are built for Okay This person here With, I think it's a green

Long-sleeved shirt Looks like, yeah Yeah You Where should that Sorry, where are the microphones? Where should they go to? Let's see

There's one on the right And one on the left Okay, over on this side There's somebody with a white Short-sleeve shirt That's bouncing up and down And you're celebrating You're standing, yes

Yes, you You just stood up And celebrated You just stood up Sat down Everybody really has questions Right Code to the microphone

Oh, you're worrying me already Okay You seem like you also have Already begun to question Here are the rules We're going to hear your name And hear your question And it's going to be a question

That we can help with Not just a funny story That ends with you This is your last chance to sit down And we will choose the one That we can help the most Not the best anecdote about Whatever

Just the one we can help the most Okay And also, if you don't pick yours It doesn't mean your question Wasn't good No, it just means that We can't help you Because we're dinguses

Yeah Let's start over here Hi, what's your name? Hi, my name's Ryan Hi, Ryan Hi, Ryan What's your question, Ryan? So my dad won't stop texting me

Animated gifts And then asking me for my feedback In person I don't know what to say To him Okay That one's very simple But so relatable

That's very good Okay, that's the end of the question What's your name and your question? Danielle Hi, Danielle Yeah, it amplifies it It shoots it all over this big room It makes it even louder

Yeah What is your question, Danielle? I work in an ice restaurant In an ice restaurant? A nice restaurant Nice restaurant For birthdays, we don't really do anything Besides stick a candle in the desserts

But sometimes I'm asked to sing Because I am studying to be a professional singer Okay, shit So So sometimes I sing for a guest But sometimes it's during rush And the entire floor gets quiet

And then the next guest Wants me to sing happy birthday too So how do I stop the chain Of snowballing happy birthdays? Listen, y'all Both your lives are ruined We're gonna be sorting through rubble Either way

Damn, these are both really good Yeah Both really good Can we help? We can help Because I think we can help you Very fast Very fast

I don't actually, I was hoping you No, thanks I'm sorry I'm sorry If you're If you're listening at home If you're listening at home I just did a finishing joke to Griffin

A very big B God on the stage Just deathly allergic I fought the B and I won But I farted while I was doing it And that's why everybody laughed very big Griffin fell Shit

Griffin fell slowly And of his own accord Okay Okay, Paul Early at Paul Earlier you offered me I'd be Profan backstage I would love some

Right now Okay Okay I think what you I bought you two dipshits A lot of time To think of a good answer So

Dad Text you a gift You then When you see him next I want you unprompted To pull out a legal pad That you have Seven pages of notes applied

And I want you to go Beat by beat Methodically And go And another thing I think You can do better with your gifts And really get in there Tell your daddy's ready for tumblr

Say These are great gifts And I'm ready for you to start tumblr Then get the link to the tumblr Then send me the link To enjoy your dad's gifts I hope that helps you very much Thank you

Three fucking I'd be Profan, Paul Let's party Damn This is our fucking behind the music Griffin Things went bad for Griffin Things already went bad for Griffin

When he fought the big beat He found his vertigo Unable to control He turned to using drugs on stage So People make you sing Can you get some sort of Hose peripheral

That you just put right up here And then lead directly to their mouth Their ear Or their mouth And feed them cake like a mama bird I would do the If Mariah Carey would sing into a hose Into my mouth

And then make it sing like I was singing her beautiful voice My head's not gonna work good For the rest of her I actually I miss I see this in movies all the time In TV shows

And I've never seen it happen in real life Like The piano Just in the middle of the thing And like a singer Who just like Not like a band that performs But just like

That's what this restaurant is And everyone's there Apparently to see this happen So I say you just lean into it And he just like This happy birthday song Is for everybody Full blown la la land

No that sucks But the song I sing is Only happy birthday Well does it have to be You're gonna have to do Your own spin on it Right where you just like Make it really long

Cause that's what people love When the birthday song Goes on forever And people are like Come on keep going Yeah yeah yeah Sing the secret second verse Of the happy birthday song

All the extra stuff With like Scooby Doo And all that Yeah More But make it last like Seven minutes long Nobody will want to hear that again

Ooh I've got it Start offering people a choice They can have a free dessert Or the song But not both You'll You'll never have to sing the song Can you get someone to come out

And like Put a cape on you After like James Brown used to Like no she can't sing anymore She can't Listen you heard it Shit we put the cape on It's over that's the end of it

We need that by the way I would love that Or a neck brace Didn't we help? Yes thank you Thank you Alright Let's go more middle this time

Somebody has a top hat Over here sorry This top hat The fact that multiple people Applied it for the top hat is like What's up my brother My brother My listeners go left

Yeah stage left Okay right here This way this way this way Yeah you got it Right here you're wearing glasses You appear to have a blue Shirt that perhaps is denim Yes please stand up

Yes it's you Yes come on down Alright you're stage right You're wearing glasses That was the worst injury we Sustained during a live show before Easily top five at the very least Oh shit

That's not just any top hat Your cosplaying is griffin From episode two Of my brother My brother and me Now available on vrv.co vrv.co

All six episodes available That fucking rules That's really good What is your name My name is Anna Hi Anna And Anna what is your question I work at a job that I hate

And I want to quit But I can't get my vacation benefits Until I hit a year And that's six weeks away Okay And my boss I think senses this And is trying to like Get me to quit before then

By being like You seem really unhappy So how do I beat her I love that We don't get the adversarial ones enough That's awesome Anna Thank you What is your name

I'm Katie Hi Katie Who are you trying to thwart Security here No we have My boyfriend got us season tickets To the Broadway shows that come here Okay

And our seats are actually where We're sitting tonight Which is convenient Because my question is What is the best way to hide Snacks here For when Shit

We come to the show Yes In the chandelier Hypothetically too If you want to Hypothetically I want to do that one Just so I can reference

Heavyweights a lot Anna thank you so much I don't think we can help you enough Just like Just like chill That one's easy though Just like chill Just chill and don't get fired

Anna you can do it Or a big hand for Anna I'll play out without last Right So Your first order of business Is going to be Disguised

Because you have been Spotted by the theater officials They have your name I'm looking yes They're putting your picture On a bulletin board Listen The first obvious choice is

Going to be like Slit open the seat So the candy Don't don't don't don't This is a mistake But don't do that This is a mistake for a lot of reasons For a lot of people

You're going to Put your butt on your food Like this is not great But also there's A lovely thing you shouldn't do for a whole Maybe Maybe Just like

Tape it to the bottom of the seat I know that's pretty easy But Is that cool? I'm looking at some I'm looking around at the security That's cool Do y'all check for it?

No they're shaking around No I'm going to be shaking No Alright but serious questions Security forces Do y'all actually check for that? Get your shaking head Yes

Your shaking head Yes Wow it's thorough team That's it What don't you check for Yeah If you can just get I almost fell over again

Oh hell no Now it's real Now there's nothing Holding up your back Right but it might Instinct won't be To lean back anymore Can you give Katie

Some sort of like Pass Some sort of snack All you can eat Snack pass How much would they Have to bribe you Before you let them bring it

Bribery Bribery Okay Okay but like One snack for you One snack for them Kind of thing You know what I mean

Would that work? No I'm shaking A shaking head no Why does the egg You haven't had since Like you were a kid That if they bribe you A Mars bar

Holy shit I don't know why I'm focusing on just you Sorry I mean Could you borrow Their top hat Cause that's just

A lot of snack Potent You could get Four summer sausages Up in that thing Just four I mean Maybe more

Summer sausages Eight to nine Summer sausages What you need to do Is take the snacks Now to the seats Now But don't eat them now

Later Pick them up So they're already They're waiting for you Your seats are saved right Just magnet them To there Like people do

The car keys And can I recommend Now and later Perhaps a now Later Or something Non-perishable On those lines

Or maybe like Tape them to your body You know I don't think that there's A good retrieval path For that That is true In the middle of it

To you here The people say Summer sausages Does that Does that help We'll see you in two weeks When we come back I guess so

Thank you I'm gonna turn My chair back around now Cause this is deeply uncomfortable Could you convince Them that it's a rocky Horror kind of thing Like

Every time we see songs For a new world We throw raisin' nets At this one part So I gotta bring them in I bet it's already Be like Oh cool

We love when you throw stuff At this stage So good Alright Okay Let's go Remember You're really

Everybody's doing good So far Let's keep the streak alive There's a person With a red toboggan Pointing at somebody else Yeah You like

I don't know Like ten rows back Yeah You just took your toboggan off And now you're pointing at somebody There's that There we go This is the most

You are stage left And then on the right side Okay Right there I think you have on a pink Pink shirt You have like long Yeah

You just turned your head To look behind Yes you Yes you You're pointing at your own face We should have started with you Already 30 seconds ago

Sorry What's your name? My name's Becky Hi Becky My question is If you could give me advice On good Topic starters

When I'm meeting new people The questions I do Are inappropriate Well I gotta hear Well Well No hold those hostage Don't tell us

Don't tell us Okay Give me a sneak preview of their Viability for a podcast That people listen to I misunderstood what Goes into a prostate exam All right, all right, all right, all right

I think we're gonna get along great What is your name? Violet Violet Hi, get right up on that mic, Violet Okay Thank you What is your question, Violet?

So I got a new roommate this year And it's fine But she has a lot of cups and mugs And an assorted drinking devices Like I counted It's about 30 It takes up Can we bring Violet's mic up

Just a little bit Because I need to hear A lot more about cups and mugs It takes up two of our shelves in the cabinet I only own two mugs And they don't They barely fit Yeah

What do I do to these mugs? How should I get rid of her cups? Or Okay All right, I love that one very much Real quick How do you think a prostate exam works? And then we're gonna

We're gonna do a deep dive on the mugs Do you know the phrase I hope he has small hands Okay Yeah I presume that Because they're talking about the whole hand The whole hand

Oh my God Like a muppet scenario Yeah Okay Thank you very much You're a wonderful person And I'm glad you're on earth They have to check

The weight of the prostate And the ripeness Not ready yet Okay So My first question is Why do you still own two mugs? Because it sounds like you're good

Sounds like you could probably get rid of those pretty easily To start with That's what I need How novel are the mugs? My mugs are her mugs Who's mugs? They're mugs If they have 30 mugs

They must love There's a story behind each one No I think she just picked them up at yard sales And then the rest are like Facebook mom quotes about coffee Okay Fuck

Oh boy Okay Are there any that are duplicates That she has more than one of? No God damn it All original What if

Those were I was gonna shatter those You were gonna shatter those You know what Here's the problem They're all on like In one space On two shelves

Yes Two mugs Spread throughout the kit Just mugs everywhere But just enough That if someone looks in one cabinet They're like That's an appropriate amount of mugs

Unless they open All your cabinets Right in your house At which point They're robbing you And then some mugs Are gonna go away And you're fine

Oh Say you got robbed Yeah That'll get you out A lot of roommate pickles Uh I mean You could spend a whole day

Smashing 30 mugs Or You could just Smash the one coffee maker Well, I don't need these anymore Because of an advertiser That pulled out of Your favorite conservative news stock

Yeah Um Topical When we used this episode In February Yeah The fuck are they even talking about? Uh

What did Mr. Coffee do now? Um Sometimes I I like to store bacon grease In a mug Because If you pour it down the drain

It'll clog the drain So maybe You could just start cooking A lot of bacon You can also then later use it Like for making gravy Perfect for making gravy Or if you want to take some out

And put it Hey, Thanksgiving tip Thanksgiving's coming up Maybe you put a little bacon grease On the skin That's real nice You're gonna like that a lot It's not a joke

Not especially funny It's the only problem Not a joke Just let me try this Thanksgiving Can you form it? He's laughing Because they're typing it into Evernote Right now

Like do not forget Can you make a Mug friend Out of all these mugs Named Mugsy And You can't take Mugsy apart

I love Mugsy And it won't be on your shelves Anymore Be your livery I'm filling up a whole chair And you can play games With Mugsy And watch television

With your new best friend Mugsy What video game would you play with Mugsy? Bubz Bubsy My shit Cuphead would have been good That's what I was going for Goddamn

Here's the thing One of the things you Oh, I love Mugsy though Are you gonna play with Mugsy? You're gonna do a different joke When my daughter makes slime She only likes to make it She doesn't like to play with it

So I'll take it And I'll put it I like to think of it as slime purgatory So it's hidden on a shelf And if she notices in three days Then she gets it back If she doesn't notice It's straight in the trash

So try that with mugs So you just take one mug And hide it And if she doesn't notice that one Then you throw it in the trash And you just keep repeating that Eventually she's like I could have fucking sworn I own 30 mugs

Why don't I own six? Unless Unless Unless She likes to put them all on the floor Jump into them like a Scrooge McDuck Are you okay? I think

I think when my vertebra The one that carries coherent thoughts From my brain to the rest of my body Has dissolved Did we help? I'm sorry, what? No, we didn't Sit down

Oh, thank you Thank you very much Thank you very much And thank you to you Really think about Mugsy though Really think about Mugsy There's a lot of meat on them both Thank you to the Orpheum for having us here

We're gonna wrap up He can bring the lights down Justin doesn't just start thanking people In the middle of it He's a very grateful dude Yeah, you can bring the house lights down Thank you so much And bring ours like way back up

So he gives me this shining glittering star See your us Thank you to you all so much for coming And this has been so fun And Minneapolis, you are like the literal best And we love you so much Thank you Thank you

You've been so kind to us And this has been super duper fun Thank you to CAA for helping us book the show And thank you to Paul for giving me the message earlier Thank you to Paul, check out the music of Paul And Storm, you can sail away with Paul And Travis and dad On the Joe Co Crews

And other people And other people It's not just the three of them on a boat, they stole JoeCoCrews.com, go check it totally out Thank you to our dad for doing our intro for us That is Thank you to AEG and The Orpheum The Orpheum plays seriously

Thank you to John Rodgerick and the Long Winters For the use of our theme song It's a departure off the album Putting the days to bed Go check out all the other amazing shows At MaximumFun.org If you haven't got an imposter yet Get yourself one of them

Steve, yeah, they're great Now the way this show normally wraps up Is Griffin reads a yahoo answer And then we think about it And then we come back to it next week And provide our answers to it So Griffin, do you have one more yahoo? I do!

Okay, let's go ahead and hear that Got an ice cube I'm working through right now I'm worried about it, bro This one is standing by Level 9000, Yadru, Drew Davenport Thank you, Drew It's from Anonymous The secret hacker organization

Asks in one collective booming voice A psychic told me I had a connection To cats and a cat planet It started with a T But I can't remember the name of it My name is Justin McElroy I'm Travis McElroy I'm Griffin McElroy

This is me, my brother, my brother Me kiss your dad's square on the lips The girls didn't want me to say Hey, I wanna Behind video game high school Have one hour to turn a humble idea Into an awesome movie Thrill as we weave the tragic tale

Of Jar Jar, a Star Wars story We're gonna double down on everything That made the prequels great Jar Jar, trade federations, politics Gasp as we assemble a pantheon of heroes For the Kellogg cinematic universe We could get rid of snap crackle pop I won't even miss it

You're crazy They die in the second act Oh come on And join us as we make fun of Matt As he struggles to name a single Beyoncé song Well yeah, put a finger on it Sure, she wants to be Beyoncé Put a finger on it

Beyoncé is the famous song Will we break the story? Or will the story break us? Find out by joining us in the writer's room Every Thursday on MaximumFun.org Or wherever you get your podcasts