My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 389: Horsebonology

Episode Date: January 16, 2018

This episode contains some dark revelations about Earth's Best Animal, as well as some semi-coherent ramblings fueled by a cocktail of potent cold and flu medicines. It is a challenge; a mountain you must overcome. Suggested talking points: Nastyman, Sweat Dress, Ghost in the Eggshell, Equine Anatomy, Ski Jeans, Ann, Unrinal Transfer

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? It's familiar, but not too familiar, but not too not familiar. It's a new place. And the girls, do you want to just say, hey, I wanna, just say, hey, I wanna. Hello, and welcome to my brother. My brother means advice show for the modern era. What a thrill it is to be back. My name is Justin McElroy. I'm your oldest brother.

I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. And I'm the nasty man. Hey guys, that's me, the nasty man. Is nasty man a 30 under 30 media luminary? Yeah, the nasty man, they didn't take that away. When I became nasty man, I emailed Forbes just as a courtesy, like, hey, are you gonna strip my title? You're gonna put an asterisk up there? Are you gonna lower my banner and burn it in the ceremonial fire? And they said, no nasty man. And I thought that was sweet that they did call me the new name. They said, no nasty man, you can stay on the list. And they updated the website. So now it says the nasty man. It actually says Griffin McElroy. And it's all the same. And there's a huge asterisk. I mean,

comically huge asterisk. And it says, just a fair warning, ladies and germs, he's a nasty man. Yeah. And it says germs in like comic sans to let you know that that part is in fact, kind of a joke because I'm all I I got the bronchitis gang. I got it deep down down deep in my lungs. Hey, deep in my lungs. And it's bad. And did you know that when you were a professional podcaster, you really just can't get bronchitis. It's like, really, it's like, you're really not supposed to do it. And so when I saw the big bronchitis hose, hanging off of that abandoned warehouse, and I was like, I'm going to take a huff on that. I should have known that it would have been a mistake. But I didn't in curiosity made the cat get bronchitis. It's funny. I've been

on a course. My wife got she has a name at Sydney. My wife got the flu because she works at the flu store, pretty much. And she got the flu and she brought home. So I went on a prophylactic dose of Tamiflu. So I was taking one Tamiflu a day. And that's very funny. Like, we should talk about the fact that it does sound like you can talk about a rubber or a Jimmy Cap. It is hysterical. Yeah. So I'm taking that. And it's the closest I've ever had to having a superpower. Like, I'm just wandering around town. I see a sick person. And I run up and I embrace them. Yeah. Like, because they haven't had touch. I would love a big embrace. I do. I of course ask consent first. And then I give them a huge bear hug. I just say like, it's going to be OK. And they're like,

but Justin, no, don't. And then I'm like, it's fine. It's fine. I also have a like a sinus infection, which is really cool. And what's really cool and is cool about it is that right now, I don't know, 15 minutes ago, took my cough syrup that did have codeine in it. And I did take a pseudofed, the max strength 24 hours one, because I do not fuck around that real Walter White shit. And so my brain isn't one. For the most part, the two lobes are like the left side's team coding. And it's like, let's just chill. And the right side is team pseudofed. And it's like, yeah, that sounds pretty good. And so I'm excited for what the nasty man's going to bring to this episode. Travis, how's your health? Oh, my health is great. I'm recording this from a hotel room

in San Francisco for San Francisco sketch fest. Got any lotions? What lotions? Do you have them from the hotel? Oh, yes, I'm going to steal those lotions. I my voice is a little rough, but not from sickness just from just laughing and screaming and joy. Well, I'm glad to hear that, Travis, you big shithead. Well, I also have something so important to tell everyone girlfriend, lean in, everybody lean in. You don't want me that close to you, but the hotel room I'm in is 420. No, no, you did it. It's the dream. I'm in the lead number. I live in it now. What was your exact reaction when they told you? I think I just can't say really, really a child who had just come downstairs on Christmas to find

an Ewok Village play set below the tree. How many people at the sketch fest did you tell your find an excuse to tell your hotel room? But in a not creepy way, like it sounds like a proposition. Everyone, everyone was very jealous legitimately. Like I think just because I'm here with so many like stand up comics and performers who are like, and you know they love weed. Yeah. And not only that, but if I had the go to punchline of I'm in the weed number, they would use it. But here I am using it on my recorded whimsical podcast to my brother, my brother and me. Yeah. I mean, it's a surefire hit. I can't, I don't know if you can tell from our response of just like bust and chuckle, chuckle nuts over here. But

yeah, it's a surefire. They use that number, you know, the weed one. I would think it would be like 13 floor when they skip. Yes. When they skip the 13 for you think they would do that. It's like, we can't put the weed number in here. Yeah, that's too funny. Anyway, so this is going to be a real episode of content. So should we do that? Yeah, I mean, yeah, for sure. Nobody's going to say by the time they get to the end of the episode, they won't be able to say, well, that wasn't an episode of a podcast. I think it'll be pretty undeniable that what we've done here is put together a real podcast episode in terms of content. Yeah. My wife and I recently moved to Michigan. My wife. Okay, nasty man. My wife and I recently moved to Michigan where it is very cold

in the wintertime. I heard that. Shut up. To keep warm, my wife made a sweat dress, which is a full length dress made entirely of the material used to make sweatshirts and sweatpants. It's very warm, but we're not sure whether it is appropriate to wear to work. Is my wife's new gray sweat dress appropriate work attire, or is it just a pajama dress that's undrew from Ann Arbor? Last night, because of all the football that happened, and it was apparently very good football. Yeah, a lot of TDs all over the place. I heard at least eight teams get mentioned, which seemed wild to me. Yeah. And because of the football, everything on all the channels was delayed, like a half hour. And so that's why I was accidentally watching Shark Tank.

And Juicy watches that. I know you like to get up. I watch every year, baby. You swim with the fishes. There was a gentleman who pitched a product there. And it fucked me, I guess it worked, because here we are mentioning it on our nationally syndicated podcast. Which, by the way, I'm so glad we finally got syndication. That's where the money is. There was a gentleman who pitched a product that was called Dude Robe. And it was kind of this. It was sort of like fleece lined robe hoodie line. And it was called Dude Robe, which I thought was not inclusive in the way that I like my products to be. It sounds like you kind of have developed an alternative to Dude Robe. And I'm very much into that. Now, I will say the Sharks did pass on Dude Robe. So if you're looking

for sort of commercial viability of your new product, and if their acumen is to be trusted, I don't think there's much of a profit future for you. Is it appropriate to wear to work? I mean, is it the material or the cut? Yeah, the cut is so important. Is it a, you know, a, I know nothing about dresses. Oops. Cocktail dress, you know, that's one wedding is another. Yeah, that's another. I don't think it's a sweat wedding dress, although I would be very into that sort of cash approach. Dude, a pajama's wedding, please hook me up. If I'm staying up past, you know, 11 anyway, then I would love to just be in my off court buddies ready for this sack. I love your ingenuity here. Your wife's ingenuity here,

though. I think this could really take off. You think it's not about whether or not, here's the thing, don't wear it to work because your new job is sweat dress. Yeah. Your new job is promoting and selling this apparently commercially unviable product. And I'm a little worried about that. The real issue is that this gentleman wanted $220 for each Dude Robe, which seems like a lot, sir. Yeah, I'm not going to pay that much for, I wouldn't pay $10 for a product if it was called Dude Robe. If it was just called. Dude anything. Dude anything is a tough, a tough putt. Dude repellent. Maybe I would buy that. Yeah. I will also say, Andrew, you and your wife, I think need to do a little brainstorming because I think maybe sweat dress doesn't, doesn't trip off. So I was

going to say this Travis, and then I started thinking like, if you think about it, sweat pants is like, that's gross. It's really gross. But that's established at this point. It's a little late for us to change sweat pants. It's established, but it's like, if you think about it for just a second, and that's what we're all about here on My Brother, My Brother, I mean, sort of like deeper, like diving deeper into the things that we just sort of passed by, sweat pants. That's gross. Yeah, it sounds like some sort of rag you would use for cleaning. And that's why it is the nasty man's favorite sort of garment. I love this though. Can you just staple on like a normal dress fabric to the outside of it? And then it's your dark secret. And if the answer is yes,

then my follow up question is, can you come to my house and do that to literally every piece of clothing that I own? Because yes, well, sweat pants is a nasty word. It is the, it's the, it's the one you want to be wearing. What about, what about some embroidery or maybe some bedazzling could happen there to sort of kick it up a little bit? So you keep the comfort factor, but it's also like a little, like maybe you use gemstones to write the word fancy. And that's how you know a clothes is fancy, Justin. Yeah. And I'm glad you brought this up. And that's why at the Met Gala, it's fancy, fancy. It's like juice Newton all over in that place. And speaking of Met Gala, maybe we just get Heidi wearing one of these things.

I need to stop for a second and figure out why you said the words juice Newton a second ago. I also was wondering this. Okay. No, don't help him. Why? What was juice Newton's sort of contribution? Was it a phonetic sort of fun you were having? Or was there a deeper level that maybe just kind of whizzed over my head? What was sort of the idea with saying? And I guess the real question that's on the tips of everyone's lips is that I confused juice Newton and Reba McIntyre. How would? Okay, she did fancy. Okay. Yes. Yes. See, thank you, nasty man. We got inside the bit so heavy. What was juice Newton's jam? Juice Newton's jam. I just Googled juice Newton's jam. Guys, should we delay the episode

recording of the podcast? Juice Newton's best song, Queen of Hearts. Playing with the Queen of Hearts. That one was what I was thinking of. Anyway, you guys want a yahoo? Sure, yeah. Juice Newton's a very talented performer. This is a very talented yahoo that was sent in by the delivery man, Seth Carlson. Thank you, Seth. It's Yahoo Answers user Skyler asks, Can a ghost charge a phone? Asking because people who lived in my house claim we have a ghost here. I usually charge my phone with a wireless charger so I get a notification when I place it on the charger. I was standing in the doorway of the room where the ghost resides and that's in quotes. And suddenly and randomly I get a pop up about my phone connected to the wireless charger and

then fades as it detects the charger is off. However, my phone was in my hands as I was browsing the net. This is a real person by the way and they did say browsing the net. Did a ghost energy charge my phone as it walked by or is it just weird technical malfunction? Well, of the two, I think you gotta lean ghosts on this one if you're applying a skeptical eye. Those electronics cost a lot of money and it seems weird that they would just malfunction. I remember watching the movie Contact but only kind of watching it and there was a whole bit in there about Occam's razor and I wasn't paying attention to it but I think what it meant is that the ghost did charge the phone in this one. And can I say what a friendly specter that would

like I would want that specter. I would want to you know maybe not murder somebody in a terrible passion which is how ghosts get born. But I will say like there have been times where I've been at like a music festival or at the airport and I forgot to charge my phone where I could use a you know a little Casper floating around my my Samsung and making sure that it gets juiced up. Now that brings up a question though is it platform agnostic? Are there certain ghouls that charge Samsung devices? Are there certain geists that charge Apple devices? I mean I think the key here was introducing wireless charging because ghosts are wireless so they hear that and they're like well I can I can fuck with that for sure.

Not old ghosts though. They got sort of an iron lung situation where they do need to be plugged into the wall to go. That's why a lot of times you you know you'll be watching ghost adventures and they'll be like oh see that extension cord just kind of whip it around. That's an old old ghost. Can you imagine the frustration of being a ghost who like you have been charging someone's phone for them and then they come home and like Apple has changed like the charging outlet on the phone and you're like what but no I'm not I'm not compatible with lightning chargers. Fucking Joanie what am I supposed to do now? I'm just gonna knock over some dishes. That's stinker. What stinker? I'm gonna smash dishes till you get a new Samsung. I love

the Samsung devices. It's more open platform. Don't give Tim any more money. Tim Cook. Ghosts are more compatible with the Samsung platform. It's just the freaking truth people because Tim locks it up so you can't play all your you know emulators and stuff. Ghosts can't get in it. Ghosts can't get in it. This was definitely a good spectral activity. I don't know what else to say. I'm so convinced of it now. It was it wasn't a fluke. This is a dead person that got in there and helped you out with a few extra percentage points that you needed to get through the day. It's bad enough that Tim made waterproof so no squish ghosts can get into it. Like all the wet ghosts that are around they can't get into your phone at all. What if they need to get in there to help solve a crime

for some well-meaning neighborhood kids? They can't get in it. One of ghost writer got into your phone was like Jesus Christ there's a lot of pornography on here. I don't actually I don't actually want to help with this anymore. Why is the symbol for ways a ghost? This is just a thing I've always wondered. The app ways. The little icon is a ghost with wheels. Never understood it. Is that an app? It used to be that way. It was a ghost in it. No it was a car and they're freaking ghosts. Did the car crash and turned into a ghost? Another possibility. Did cars have ghosts? We can't even start to bust into that one but yes especially Teslas. All electric hybrid cars extremely haunted but that's how you get to drive

from San Francisco to Phoenix on one charge. You have four or five ghosts sort of pit crew in you there inside the trunk of the one. So here's my question. I'm walking around my everyday life then I die. No. I know but in a terrible fashion with lots of unfinished business and I become a ghost. So my question is does that mean that now right now sitting here I have a ghost inside me and so everyone is haunted? Oh wow and now we've got two hit folks. 300 some episodes in a big the big philosophical one. Is all of us haunted with a literal ghost inside of us just waiting to jump out and do a scare when we die? The answer is probably. The answer is probably. All the great theologians and philosophers throughout time agree. Descartes the other ones agree.

There's definitely a little ghost in there and is it scary? Is it definitely or probably? Is it probably or definitely? Yeah probably. That's when on Descartes death bed he was like here it probably comes and then he died and then a ghost probably came out. You are okay Griffin with all due respect that's all nonsense and hogwash and bullshit. Ghosts are not piloting our bodies. Ghosts are created from somebody dying in a terrible passion. So you don't you don't automatically it's like a chemical you know with eggs uh-huh like if you haven't imagined an egg okay wait give me a second give me a second let me get there. Let me imagine egg hold on. Yum okay imagine an egg okay uh-huh wait hold on am I still

imagining the first egg or am I imagining a second egg? So this is the same egg okay? Yummy. You crack the egg and crack it into a bowl okay? Oh I'm sorry I was picturing a hard boiled egg can we start over? Can we start over? Yeah start over go get a fresh one okay bring it back out okay. What should I do with this what should I do with this fucking first egg though because I can't just have a bunch of eggs right around my brain. You keep your egg your egg was fresh and organic so keep your egg and Travis has got a new egg. Mine's a turtle egg should I said that? Any egg is fine let's say it's a chicken egg. Any egg will do. Okay so crack the egg into a bowl. Slow down slow down. Justin baby turtle came out is this the analogy? No it didn't it's a

chicken egg just like play along with me. Yes but you didn't tell me to picture a bowl. This is it let me warn you now this isn't that funny so if we prolong getting to the end of it like there's not it's not gonna be worth the payoff so you just have to let me just talk you through this okay so you crack an egg into a bowl okay got it and you take the shell and you throw it in the trash right or you compost it so to you I don't know your setup did you do that yes um yeah let me imagine a trash can okay okay so what's in the bowl egg egg an egg right yes okay so that's weird all right you guys want a yahoo because if you think about it uh-huh it was an egg when it had the shell on it you crack it into a bowl in the bowl you have an egg yeah

but it doesn't have a shell so which is it yeah so and I think ghosts are kind of like that okay but hold on Justin you have just proven my point which is the egg is inside the shell the whole time and so what you're saying is these fleshy sacks in which we live are the shell and the ghost is the human I'm saying it's a prison I'm saying our bodies are prisons for ghosts okay because you started this saying that ghosts were not just in there piloting us around but rather now you're saying they're trapped you shut down any meat Dave jokes that we could have made which was fucking selfish of you yeah but then I listened to my egg thing and I was like fuck that's a good point um hey that is hey speaking of eggs um I think that maybe we should take a second and explore some farm wisdom

farm wisdom if you crack an egg into a bowl it's still an egg farm wisdom welcome to farm wisdom nice it's a segment on the show that we do when people send in farm wisdom and this one was sent in by Becca Finn thank you Becca and um I guess before we get started a quick straw poll from uh you my brothers in the audience and it's appropriate for farm wisdom yeah oh good so put straw in comic sans so you know it's a joke and the question I have for you Justin and Travis um just straw poll hands up yes or no vote is if horses have fingers no they have they have hooves yeah I'm gonna say no well Becca says in the spirit of collaborating and thinking about these beautiful horse friends pulling carts I thought you'd like to know a little bit about their legs

I come from rural Vermont so I'm familiar with a lot of farm wisdom but finding this out today fucked me up yeah by the way heads up this is gonna fuck you right up horses legs are giant fingers the reason they have such poor health outcomes after breaking or otherwise injuring their legs is because their legs are actually hyper specialized fingers similar to human fingers there's very little muscle supporting the bone just a lot of cartilage and tendons and whatnot uh this is from a quora uh thing about if horses have fingers and the answer is horrifyingly yes the carpus is called the knee but it is anatomically the wrist from the carpus down the horse has just three finger bones the large one in the middle is called the cannon bone it goes

all the way to the phallic joint a fetlock joint which looks like the horse's ankle the two vestigial finger bones descending from the carpus and providing lateral support to the cannon are called splint bones the part you might think of as the horse's foot is called the hoof I didn't really need that part uh the hoof wall is a particularly tough fingernail material with sensitive tissue beneath it just as your fingernail has and the smallest part of the phalanx bones within it anatomically comparable to the tip of your finger the oldest equines this is additional information if your beans not completely freaked out the oldest equines have five toes as the species evolved horses gradually dropped their digit number down to four three and then just one like their ancient

ancestors modern horses have the genes for five toes get the fuck out so these are fingers when you look at a horse I want you to imagine head neck torso and then for galloping cantering powerful long fuzzy fingers with ending in fingernails that are the hooves which by the way horseshoes sound real real bad now uh they sounded not great before the whole process looked kind of yucky I understand it does provide protection yeah I mean when you think about it you probably don't want to be walking around directly on your fingernails but yes these are fingers now that are on these horses so it's fun now you can do it with your hand or you make your hand down in a little walking monster and that's kind of what a horse is if you think about a big finger

having walk monster so wait so their head is a finger too no you goofball the head's a head the rest of it's the fingers all the way down but if you had asked me Griffin I can't assume that anymore because you've had asked me 10 minutes ago and I told you their legs were legs yeah fingers are legs and their tail is a finger and their head the number the number one the number one test scientists use for some things a finger is if you cut it off does the thing die and if you cut a horse's head off it will die so it can't be a finger can't possibly and also if you point at a horse and say hey do they point their hand at you their head at you you know what I mean yeah so if you go to a horse and you're like give me five and the horse is like no yeah that's why

because please anything but I can never leave a bro hanging if my math is correct though each a thing each appendage we'll call it that has four finger bones in it so if you asked a horse for five it would get pretty confused it could give you eight or four otherwise it's going to give you a full five or a full four and that's going to destroy your hand by the way and then try to figure out a way to just get one finger bone up on you this is a challenging episode just mentally one are we all haunted two horses are running around on their fingers loving it though but they're not think that this is linguistic nonsense their legs you can't just say something's fingers we all know what that is didn't know you were a horse monologist now I'm just saying you

can't oh it's very interesting just I didn't know you're so talented in so many different ways I didn't know you also were had a horse monology degree where did you study where did you study Justin John Hopkins the school hard knocks I learned I've learned the hard way the limbs his legs they're not fingers you can't trick me how come Johns Hopkins is called Johns Hopkins is it referring does it does John possess a Hopkins Christ almighty anyway should we go to the money zone his parents named him Johns all right multiple all so here comes the money zone hey folks uh if you want to freshen up your look for the new year but you have no idea where to

start I cannot recommend stitch fix enough it's a new way to shop for clothes they do all the work for you you go online you answer some questions about your favorite styles and budget and it doesn't say fabric allergies on here but I'm assuming that's part of it and your personal stylist will pick five pieces based on your preference they send you a box and you look at the stuff you try the stuff on and you only keep the stuff that you are you only pay for the stuff you keep the right stuff you put in a bag that comes with the box and the bag is all pre-postage paid and everything and you ship it right back to them the stuff you don't like and they they take your feedback on the box and then they do better next time which I think is something we should

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there's been some stuff from like I'm not so sure and I tried on like yeah I guess this is me or this is the me I'm gonna strive to be this is the again aspirational shirt sure um you can get started now at stitchfix.com slash my brother and you'll get 25 off when you keep all five items that's stitchfix.com slash my brother one more time stitchfix.com slash my brother I want to tell you about quip uh let's be honest none of us do enough for our teeth our teeth have always been there for us chomping stuff biting stuff protecting our tongue and yet what do we do for them well it's time it's time for you to work together with your teeth 20 collaborating work with your teeth uh you should brush your teeth at least two minutes twice a day but do you know oh my god no wowsers no

yeah that's four minutes what am I supposed to come on I got I'm a busy man so you're gonna want to find out about quip so quip is the new electric toothbrush it packs just the right amount of vibrations and everything into a very slim cool-looking stylish design at a fraction of the cost of bulkier brushes I am a big fan it has now become uh the brush I both use every day and travel with um because it is it is compact enough to bring your electric toothbrush with you without feeling like it's taking up all kinds of room sexy electric brush yeah it's great and it's got a mount that goes right on the mirror so it keeps it up off of everything and leaves you some counter space there um and you can get new brush heads delivered every three months for

just five dollars and then it's including free shipping so uh quip starts at just 25 dollars and right now when you go to gitquip.com slash my brother you get your first refill pack free with a quip electric toothbrush that's a free refill pack at gitquip.com g-e-t-q-u-i-p.com slash my brother go check it out um I have a jumbo trunnier and that is that I want you all to search for matinee manatees on itunes stitcher or at matinee manatees.com um if you listen to podcasts to help you fall asleep but you keep getting startled or you wind up staying awake because you don't want to miss anything interesting you may want to try matinee manatees it's it's a podcast that is specifically designed to fall asleep to uh it's hosted underwater and I don't

know if that's true or not but if it is fuck yeah uh by a rotating cast of half ton aquatic mammals they mix the peaceful sounds of marine ambiance with low pitch discussions of old movies you've already seen and the episodes are real long to help you fall asleep uh it's free on itunes stitcher or once again at matinee manatees.com uh I would like to take this opportunity uh it's a message from your friendly neighborhood mods and it's for awful squad junior hell yeah and all the honorary wigglers out there ready up wigglers it's time to spread some laughs can you believe we have a community of people playing video games who all rank goofs higher than skills here's to many more good good bike stunts impromptu turn coating hilarious ragdolls

and making peace using only wiggles we love and support you and are sending you all the virtual hugs that's from uh awful squad junior which is the I would say partner in a uh a web series called awful squad that we do over at polygon um you should go check that out it's so much fun they're half they're they're literally half the reason that it's such a fun thing to do they are the 100 in the one versus 100 of awful squad I think they're more than I think they're uh the the the majority share it's a really really fun community and a really cool uh thing that we do live every tuesday um I have one more jump on here this one's for sam and nick and it's from Anita who says congrats on your engagement since I introduced you to the macaroys uh and deserve partial credit

for the events that introduced you to each other I thought this is the perfect way to send my love I'm thrilled you found each other and I truly can't wait to rage at your wedding here's to a long and joyous future together I'm hoping they're using rage and like the colloquial fun like let's let's day rage and not like I'm going to be infected with the rage virus and I am going to attack your grandma I'm gonna come right at her and you will not be able to stop me and then it'll spread it always spreads and I'm sorry but I am looking forward to it I am looking forward to it it's gonna be fun thrilled about it your grandma's not going to be podcasts podcasts podcasts there are audio programs that tell smart stories in innovative

ways using editing techniques like this like this like this but let's face it all that smart stuff can be exhausting that's where stop podcasting yourself comes in it's so stupid it's just too stupid dinguses being dumb idiot jerks for 90 minutes stop podcasting yourself the stupid show that smart people love find it on itunes our maximum fun dot org how about a yahoo I'd love that griffin thank you so much yeah this is one from level 9000 yadru drew drew drew davenport uh thank you drew it's yadru answers user d who asks and this is not the setup for a joke but it could be isn't everything we do on this podcast that anyway why do people from new jersey ski in their jeans I don't know why do they I fucking just say why do people from new jersey ski in their jeans

I don't know why do they this is tough this is tough I mean it's tough because Travis is antagonizing me but it's also you gotta put on a sort of nylon snow resistant ski pants because if not the snow this oh okay well Travis have at it what if you got some really cool looking jeans no I know and you want to show the jeans off but there's a time in a place I don't when somebody goes zoom and pass you on those beautiful slippery rails that we do call skis I you know however fast skis go like 60 miles an hour I don't think they're gonna stop and smell the jeans you know what I mean the only the only reason you couldn't wear jeans is because you're gonna fall into the snow and get them wet correct correct I mean yes that's so fall down yes thank

you this is what I'm saying if I'm gonna carve the slopes and I'm not gonna fall I can wear whatever the fuck I want so new jersey you're saying are just exemplary skiers they do not they're just great skiers who can wear jeans because they're not gonna fall and get their jeans all shitty with snow they're gonna carve the slopes they're gonna land they're gonna zoom right into the lodge or whatever and uh have some french onion soup and just kick it it's like it's like if you were like a duelist who only wore white because you know you won't show blood you know that kind of thing yeah thank you yes yes this is the new jersey and shot call yeah of like I shall not be falling down I will meet you at the bottom at I don't know either the lodge or maybe like bubble

gum shrimp we haven't made plans damn that's a cool ski mountain if it's got a bubble gum shrimp on it well you know you get hungry and you want to get some I don't know I've never been to a bubble gum shrimp but I assume there's shrimp there yeah there's a lot of it Traff I can confirm they guys probably will come as a great surprise to literally no one that I have uh been to a bubble company before yeah Traff they got shrimp they got all kinds of shrimp steamed shrimp a hot hot shrimp fuck this is good good shrimp good shrimp little boys and shrimp little shrimp aggressive shrimp boneless shrimp okay listen straight up if you own a restaurant please start advertising boneless shrimp please

it's important that you do that's so funny I I went skiing one time and I didn't take they had classes which I think in retrospect I wish I had forced the issue I asked about them and no one in my party wanted to do the classes because they all loved it was yours also a church thing because I've only been once and it was a church thing no it was a bunch of of uh uh junior doctors and I was getting out there and I basically was at the top of the hill without knowledge of how to ski I knew pizza and french fries was one where if you make your skis like french fries you go and if you make them like in a triangle that could hold pizza did they stop I started I learned they told me that and then what I did after that was I just sort of slid down the hill on my belly

and what one time like a graceful like penguin um no sort of like a dead penguin and I just sort of slid down the hill like an idiot yeah and then I got I like pounded my way back up in my stupid boots back up to the place we were staying and the relief I felt knowing that the skiing was a part of my life was behind me and that there would never be skiing in the future is a relief that I have not experienced before or since and I've kind of thought like should I go skiing again just so I can experience the exhilaration and luxury of the feeling of not skiing yeah immediately after skiing um I went once with church and to continue Justin's sort of wonderful analogy earlier I had myself a a veritable pizza party uh it was the only way

I did it I got yelled at I tried a medium what is it blue circle slope um and I got yelled at by somebody who's zooming by a lot faster like you need to learn how to do this um which I would have pleasant yelling though um I think the problem is that if they called I was like in high school and I wasn't going to get on something called a bunny slope to learn how to do the thing I wish it was called something a little bit less insulting for you know teens something like you know the cool the cool slope or the um the oh shit if they had called it the ice trial and it's like oh if you want to ride if you want to take one of the trails you have to pass the ice trial and then maybe you got a badge at the end of it um that would definitely be my jam

but yeah there's a lot of problems with skiing I I have never been uh skiing and and the reason is um I I like to be very introspective think about myself what do I know about myself what are my core truths and one of those core truths is that I have zero interest in going skiing I just there's nothing I don't like being outside my house when it's cold let alone looking down an incline uh at what must be almost certain death and it's cold and at least certain it's tied to my feet if not death certain like certain wet jeans because now I think back I was wearing my jeans my jeans yeah and they were and those were jinkos at the time so they were probably jinkos Travis yes and the problem with jinkos is that they look fucking excellent obviously sure sure but those

big leg holes are essentially welcoming snow mouths that just gobble the stuff up and deposit it directly on my calves thighs and business and uh I'm just saying at the end of the day I took off the jinkos there were two perfectly sized sort of leg molds inside of it made out of snow you could have made the bottom half of a very convincing griffin snowman and not just convincing anatomically correct my wiener got really weird oh god okay yeah thanks okay so I was I was not sure what you were uh sort of talking about yeah the snow made it really weird how about another question maybe give me a weird dick yeah that's great um here is one every time my family gets together they mention this woman named Anne they never say anything that Anne has said or done

just how much they hate her I used to theorize with my cousins about who Anne could be but once they turn 16 they start talking about Anne too why do all the members of my massive extended family who are 16 and over know and hate this woman what did Anne do should I ask who she is or wait a year so that I turn 16 please help from mystified about myth members in massachusetts what what could what could you possibly learn at what what's why would there be an age gate on that the only thing I could think is that your family is all vampires uh-huh and that when you turn 16 you learn the truth of the matter and that right and is it well possibly there's a libel situation is Anne Rice talk a bunch of shit or Anne is just a you know a famous vampire hunter or vice versa it might be

that Anne is a famous vampire your family is a family of hunters I don't want to speculate because it could go either way and you're the next generation he maybe you will finally be the one who takes down Anne have you noticed your family gets smaller and smaller every year I mean here's the thing it's gotta be that the family's vampire hunters and Anne's a vampire because we know that this person is not a vampire because they type this thing into a computer and emailed it and I'm I get real fucked up if I think about a vampire who can also use like search the web yeah I can't deal with it I don't really like that I don't think that happens in twilight's where you know Edward's like hold on let me get if he did it would be on like altavista or some like old bullshit but yeah

and you never see you know Castlevania Dracula's like hold up gotta look up a you know a new recipe for poison wow yesterday my wife was watching the last 20 minutes of the last Twilight movie how was it and I was emptying the dishwasher and she kept telling me context on the things that were happening and I couldn't leave because I was emptying the dishwasher so I was a captive audience for just seeing the last end of this movie with like a but like a bunch of of lore and it didn't seem real to me that they had gotten to that point in four movies it seemed like maybe the 30th movie would contain all the incredible truths did you know the werewolf in that movies got decided to marry a little girl did that's the thing he imprinted on her and say he was

gonna marry her and she's like six that's no that's it that's in it that's in it what other reason could an be a bad person that you don't know about until you turn 16 why is your birthright knowing the truth about an I've got it an is just the name that they hear until they turn 16 when the true name is revealed Cthulhu all right so they hate the deep one I assume this is an unspeakable one kind of scenario yes maybe Anne is code for you they can't trust you with the secret when you turn 16 and then boy that is gonna be a rough yeah a rough sweet 16 party happy birthday your aunt no that's probably not that way that's not I do enjoy I'm still hung up on the idea of vampire hunters whose idea of hunting the the one vampire they know about is just to sit around and

shit about them because yet that is if you think about it vampire hunters do have downtime that is almost certainly like man fucking Dracula that guy I I can't even with that idiot anymore okay but his guts real talk if I wake up in the middle of the night from a horrible vision where I find that that I'm the chosen one once in a generation I'm supposed to go out and slay vampires I got like a lot of stuff going on right now and also don't want to be killed by a vampire because I would not be good at this this would also probably be my MO I would not go out steak and hand holy water in my and you know a camel back or something like that ready to ready to slay because again I don't want to be dead from a vampire bites but so what I probably do is just

like hey I don't know if you guys know about vampires but they are real but holes this would sort of I would get on Twitter and subtweet vampires before I go out and try because I also don't want to is it still murder because my answer is yeah kind of yeah probably you could go to their bank and just be like hey this guy's a vampire oh yeah that's that's a great way to kill but just blow up their spot everywhere like there's like walking down the street and you're just driving slowly next to them in your car with the windows down like everybody that's a vampire uh I'm sorry but Dr. Acula has been coming to this branch for many years and we've never had any problems with him we're going to have to ask you to leave he's a treasured he's a treasured

customer um juice will you do this next question before we wrap up uh happily griff just now in the airport restroom a man a few year olds down from me stopped peeing moved one urinal over to his left and then continued to pee why did he do this that's from befuddled in the bathroom let's just let's just should we just round robin just list the reason why you would do because we've all been there the urinal is full urinals full travis says justin you got one he saw that there was a new urinal cake in the next one and he just couldn't resist the temptation to destroy it yeah I mean urinal spider you see one you gotta go it's probably one of those three I mean it's also could be a game in in japan when I was there for my honeymoon there's

some places that have like games built into the toilet um where you know you pee and maybe you're peeing on a target or it's measuring your sort of fluid and then you get a high score maybe he already beat the game mm-hmm wanted a fresh save file maybe a new game plus pop pop one over maybe it's a different game he's like oh no this one's a driving game I want a punching game and so he went over to play a different piss game maybe he realized right in the middle that it wasn't a urinal at all but in fact a mimic who is trying to eat him a nasty mimic who loves pee pee yeah maybe he filled it up travis I was the first one said I said yeah yeah I'm just agreeing I just wanted to lay the little credence to my brother yeah maybe he did fill it up

maybe there's borrowers in it and they didn't see him at first he was like oh sorry little friend I'm sorry buddy let me scoot one over piss piss piss oh there's one in here too it's okay I knew I was rescue when I moved in here I knew that this was gonna come with the territory maybe his goal was to try to pee in all of them in the same thing and he just didn't like he didn't pace himself well enough I mean I mean that's maybe he was playing pokemon go and there was a ghastly like four feet to his left did you see a Guinness World Records person next to him like you'll never do it not with that stream question do you enclose your zone before you transfer or do you let her ride well they they I mean they said they stopped peeing which is good

that's a mercy yeah that's obviously you want that to be done but what I'm saying is there's a few steps after that yeah you gotta make you gotta make the audible sound as you move over to the next one did I'm asking if he put his zone away before he transferred or was it a full was he trying to keep his combo meter going maybe and he wanted to you know complete the gap I assume it went like this he left it out he looked to his left he was like Doug Doug is that you here and then went over to that one and start peeing in it I don't think he put his wiener away but I do think he recognized the urinal and thought it would be rude rude to not go pee in it yeah it's gotta be that or the borrower or you filled it up it's either he right it's either he had filled it up there was a borrower

in it or he recognized the urinal and called it by name if you know the urinal and your friends within enough to know its name then do you not want to do the business you don't want to deny the urinal its purpose yeah I guess that's what it's there for yes it's true man everything's just so political these days well friends I think we can all agree that this was a podcast yep I we've made a guarantee at the beginning yeah you're gonna hear now it's gonna end there's a beginning middle end and the middle was when we sold advertisements and then before was everything before it and the end was everything after it and then you heard roughly an hour of three people talking so you got to podcast a podcast baby cut and print walk us out juice thank you for listening

we really appreciate you sorry about I mean everything but you know sickness and traveling and everything and we missed last week and we're just real sorry but we'll do better we'll do a better job in 2018 I don't know because I've been sick literally every day of 2018 so far yeah so it would be I would I miss having a good cool functioning non-medicine sort of poisoned brain thank you to everybody who's sending questions we've never done that before but thanks yeah you all saved me from having to wonder into that fucking pit myself and I I sure do appreciate you and that's a maximum fun my bin band at maximumfund.org is the address if you want to send a query there and that's a van I want to say thank you to everybody who came out at sketch fest to see

my shows they all went very well thank you for coming I wanted to let everybody know that January 25th I'm going to be in the John and Jean show in Brooklyn I'll be tweeting about that Jesus Travis yeah it's John Hodgeman and Jean Gray and I'm gonna do that and then we have the crews coming up in February February 18th through the 25th um Jococruze it's gonna be super fun you can find that out at jococruze.com I want to thank maximum fun for having us on the network go to maximumfund.org and check out all the great podcasts there they got awesome shows that you're just gonna love that my brothers are gonna tell you about because I'm about to cough which I'm gonna edit out heat rocks um there's a new one on the network from John Roderick friendly fire it

is called um where they talk about uh like war movies um I was just talking with Roderick about it yesterday it sounds super interesting how is that dude I miss him doing good he was sick for a couple days but now he's better and has a really cool shirt well he got that for do you get cool shirts if you get a cool shirt when you get over an illness then I've got the coolest shirt ever coming coming my way hey speaking of John Roderick thanks to that good dude for letting us use our theme song it's a departure off the long winter's album putting the days to bed it's a really really fantastic album that uh you're just gonna love and uh that's gonna do it for us folks this week so thank you for listening and uh Griffin's got one final yahoo to sort of take us out on yeah this

final one was sent in by merit palmer thank you merit it's yahoo answers user gangster ghost who asks do you believe in DaVinci code my name is Justin McElroy I'm Travis McElroy I'm Griffin McElroy this has been my brother my brother me kiss your dad square on the lips maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported hey we'd like to talk to you about our new podcast on maximum fun friendly fire the podcast about action movies and Sylvester Stallone specifically it's the show I've always wanted to make it is not that it is not that at all it's a little bit more of a war movie podcast it's not a little bit more of a war movie podcast it is explicitly a war movie podcast we look at them from all sides

and put them in a variety of cultural and historical contexts such that anyone is going to enjoy this show so go grab friendly fire every Friday on maximumfun.org or wherever you get your podcast