My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 391: Jeff Wolfworthy

Episode Date: January 29, 2018

We're back with some church-friendly jokes about the X-treme Football League, Secret Vampire Neighbors and, just to round out the experience, a deep dive into the sonic poetry of LMFAO. Suggested talking points: The Milton Big Lads, Groundhog's Second, Apple Nutrition Facts, Ford Deathwagon, You Might Be a Vampire, Sorry for Party Graduating

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother mean advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother in 30 under 30 media luminary Griffin McElroy. Are you ready for more football? I'm ready for twice the amount of football I currently

consume, which would still... An undetermined night of the week party. It's some night and the balls are hot. Don't touch the balls because you'll burn your hands. We have a bunch of some announcers to be determined. They're gonna get it kickstarted. Or maybe like handoff started. We don't know. We haven't finished out the rules yet. There may not even be a ball this time. It's football of the mind XFL. You probably guess we're starting an XFL team. Everybody's been asking us to do this, even before Vince came out and made his definitely real announcement about the thing that's definitely definitely gonna happen, which is the XFL. Very exciting new football

proposition where a catch is a catch and you can't ever protest for any reason ever. And it's very, I mean, to me, both those is, yeah. Vince, I definitely get it. I don't get it. As somebody who got in early with the XFL, with our new, the next XFL, the XXFL, we have gotten like, first off, the first thing we had to figure out was, of course, the team. What are they? I'm pushing for the Milton somethings. See, I thought you literally meant like, what species are we going to put on the field? Okay, you mean XFL, it's yeah, traveling's up a good point. Could be anything out there.

Bunch of frogs. They're all Pumas. The name of the team is the Jaguars. And people are not gonna, they're gonna, there's gonna be a lot of dissonance there. And as long as this thing's just a big old stink and middle finger to the NFL, we may as well just make it the Jacksonville Jaguars and fucking come at us because it's a different thing, Bortles. Because that's the thing about the XFL. It's literally no rules, no rights.

Well, Travis, I do have to stop you right there because there's one very important rule. What's that? You can never express your dissatisfaction with anything for any reason ever. Or else Vince will come to his house, to your house even, you'll come to Vince's house. That's how he does it. And he'll unhinges John, he'll eat you. The rule is, and then we have a list of some, where did I put my list of rules? Oh, here it is, here it is. So the first rule of the XFL obviously is if you kneel during the anthem,

you have to eat an entire airplane tire. And that is stringent, I will agree. Draconian, I might argue. Draconian, the penalty actually goes up. So the second time you kneel during the anthem, you are going to have to consume an entire landing gear. And if you're particularly frustrated and you feel compelled to kneel, by the end of the season, I mean, you could be eating an entire airplane. Well, this is why I've actually heard some owners and players already planning how they're going to work around this is they're going to kneel once, eat the tire, but never get up.

Yeah. Yeah, just do all the football from sort of the, from a sort of prone position. Yeah. And listen, it's tough, but if you get like knee pads with wheels on them, call them kneelies. And then, yeah, we can definitely market that to the eight people who are going to watch this. Hey, Vince, you dumb asshole. Do you realize the fucking delicious footloose-esque situation you are setting? Now, no, this is a sports with no protesting. You hear the first fucking guy that gets down on the knee is going, it is going to be so much more powerful. You big, dumb asshole. It's like fucking Babe Ruth calling his shot, but are you just held up the middle finger to

everybody? I've got this idea for a new football league that will generate the most powerful political statement ever created by sport. What the fuck? Are you out of your fucking mind, Vince? You can't ever, like, I'll never experience the thrilling level of dancing in an area where dancing has been forbidden, because that would just be the best, funnest dance that you could do, I think. And that is the situation that he has developed here, where it's like, protests, well, no, not here. That's the best protest you can do is when they tell you you can't. That's actually how protesting works. That's how it works, dog. Jesus, Vince. Vince. It's just disgusting, man. It's just no way. So I guess the towns that had

one before, right? Yeah. You're not going to fool them once, etc., etc. So it's going to be all second-stringer towns, right? Or third-string towns, because I guess the first string has NFL, and the second string had the XFL the first time. So now you're down to, like, third-tier towns. And that's not to besmirch the good name of Milton, but if this thing tanks, I didn't want Huntington all tied up with it. We did have our own arena football team, the Huntington River City Locomotives. The River City Locomotives. Thank you, Griffin. Great team. It's a fumble. Just number the stars, and it's about that may fumble. I was actually in an and for the River City Locomotives when they were looking for a new

mascot, and my thing was I just strode around the stage going choo-choo, choo-choo. And if I remember how they ad went, I got the job. So if you can get that on YouTube somewhere, just please let me know. And if I remember correctly, I think our dad owned 1% of the River City Locomotives. He was the emcee of the River City Locomotives, which meant we got free soda, which if we do get the XFL team, the Milton Big Lads going, then I'm hoping that that is a benefit that will continue, because then I will be full-throated support of this new exciting game. So we're probably not going to do that team. I don't think we should probably support that. I mean, I could try out. I mean, they're going to need eight teams of 40 people each. That's

what, like 800 people. And I think I stand a pretty good shot. Never could make the Kamak Middle School basketball team, but I actually think I stand a better chance of getting in on this new football league. And then my friend Stone Cold Steve Austin is going to come in and be like, you can't escape me, Vincent. Crush a high life and then crush Vincent's skull right there in front of God and everyone. And then we'll be the new kings of football. And you'll kneel, but to us, me and my friend Austin, which is what I call him, even though it's his last name. So anyway, what do you guys think about the new Fall Out Boy album? I think it's really good. Yeah. Okay. Let's do a question. Every year, a local theater has a 24 hour groundhog day marathon.

If you stay through the entire 24 hours, 12 screenings, you win movie passes for a year. I'm playing on going this year. And by God, I'm getting those movie passes. How do you suggest I pass the time other than bringing my 3DS with Pokemon Ultra Moon and headphones to listen to them and bam, bam. I'm going with one friend. So we're also thinking about bringing card, card slash board games and any suggestions are welcome. That's from Bed Swords with Bill Murray. I got a pretty good thing you could do. Yeah, I have a super good suggestion. You could watch one of the best movies ever made. Yeah, you can just kind of tune into the giant screen in front of you and watch the best movie ever. This is what you might do.

Because here's what you get. You get an amazing one to see. I would love to see Groundhog Day in theaters, but also maybe about that 24th hour, that 12th viewing, you have realized whole new theories and nuances about this film. Yeah. It's a wild film. If you read some of the stuff that was cut from Groundhog Day, it is the most wild. Wild. It supposedly encapsulates, I think, about 10,000 years. So there's not a canonical length of time. There's not, but as originally written, it was like 10,000 years. And there's also originally like a curse that a scorned ex placed on Bill Murray's. You can find out all about this on Chuck's podcast, Movie Crush I Was On, where I talked about this, my favorite movie of all time, which is,

this is the terrible, this is, I would not do this for anything, because this really is my favorite movie ever. And I do worry that watching it 12 times in one day would make it not my favorite movie ever. And I do not want that to be stripped away. Can I pitch to you, I had an idea the other day about like, if I were going to make a Groundhog Day-esque movie, something that I cannot think of, because, you know, the whole like, live the same day over again, is not solely contained to Groundhog Day. Do I do think, can I, let me just say this real quick, and in practice, that's what I'm saying. We are on a really good streak right now of you not pitching movies that you're, that is not going to get made on a podcast. But it's been like 90 episodes or so?

Uh-huh. Someone should make this movie. I don't know if I'm going to make it, but somebody should make this movie, because I don't think it's ever been done before. A Groundhog Day, same day over again, kind of thing, but everyone is aware of it. Like everyone also, it's not just one person. Everybody wakes up going, again, because I think you would get really apocalyptic, really fast, very like, colligulant, like- No, yeah, it would turn into a big old bone pile. How about this idea for a movie? It's a Groundhog Day, but a man lives every second over again, and so he's just like, fuck, shit, ah, no, crap, fuck, no, shit, ah, it's ha, put, n, n, again, n, n, d, m, d, w, i, f, u, n, i, realize that this whole time, I've been so selfish.

I don't know why he became a robot there, close to him, but that was like a two minutes of the podcast that we don't have to worry about. Yeah, that's even, that's gone now. Uh, and two minutes of your life, listening at home, so sorry about that. One thing that would be fun is just, you know how like Bill Murray lives the same day over and over again in that movie, and he starts to like learn things, so he seems like he could predict the future because he doesn't before they happen. You could see if you watch it enough, you might be able to start beating Bill to some of them, so it makes him look like the clown, because you said the lady was gonna drop the dishes before the lady dropped the dishes, but also before Bill Murray said the lady was

gonna drop the dishes. What if, what if in Groundhog Day, Chris Elliott is also reliving the same day over again, because like he, he can't say that to Bill Murray, right? Bill Murray, because like he doesn't know that Bill Murray's living the same day over again. Good point. What if, what if everyone is independently in Groundhog Day living the same day over again? Chris, Chris Elliott is living the same day over again, but he's just rolling with it. Yeah, he's just taking, he's loving it. This day was as fine as any of my other days. This is as good a day as any to just sort of kick it in. Yeah. I think that I'll go ahead and just, just live, just live in this day for a while. That's fine. You know, one thing you could do is if you watch it enough,

I bet you can figure out which scenes are Bill Murray's butt double and which just actually Bill Murray, because it's hard with the lighting in some of the scenes, some of the extended sex scenes. Yeah. To figure out which one is Bill Murray, which one is his butt double, who will rent some music? Oh, I thought, you see, you said that, but I had a different joke, so I was wondering if I could do mine. It is Groundhog Day, Griffin. Live the joke over again. Okay, we do the joke over again. It's confusing. It's actually a lot of times Brian Doyle Murray, because they said like, we need a brother's butt. Like, you know how mine, my butt scenes in the Ben Bam shows,

sometimes we just swap out one a year. Well, Justin's butt, Travis has the enormous tattoo. Well, that's why we just rotate butts. Griffin does it for Justin, Justin does it for me, and I do it for, no, sorry, Justin does it for Griffin. It's hard to keep him in mind, you know. And in the scenes where Brian Doyle Murray's butt is, because he plays the mayor, if memory serves, Bill would step in and be like, don't worry, take a take a load off, Brian. I like Griffin's joke because it doesn't require an in-depth knowledge of voice actors that have played roles originated by Bill Murray. So I love that part of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. See, that was so deep. I didn't even get it.

Even can tech, because like, so it's kind of funny, because Lorenzo Music played Peter Vinkman in the Ghostbusters cartoon. And then Lorenzo Music did the voice of Garfield, and then Bill Murray in the TV show. But then after that, Bill Murray did the voice of Garfield in the movie. And then finally Bill Murray was free. Yeah. And he could pass it back and forth. He'd been trapped in by Lorenzo Music. Trav, do you want to do one? Yeah, do you want to try a joke about a butt? Oh, okay. About Bill Murray's butt? Yeah, about his heiny. Yeah, it gets confusing because sometimes it's Bill Murray, but sometimes it's Garfield.

Yeah, so you can see a big furry orange butt. Now that one kind of built off of what I did. Well, but if I had done mine first, it would have seemed like yours built off of mine. So who's that's a very good point. But I think yours would have seemed like the ravings of a madman. Yeah. Is there a way to combine all three of our jokes into something that it's even remotely, like even a little bit funny? Lorenzo Garfield? Yeah. So maybe if we just say all the names at the same time. Okay. And it's sort of a choose your own adventure. Isn't it fun that in Brian Doyle Murray's name, Doyle just really stands out in that, because if it was just Brian Murray, it's like, oh, that could be anyone. But Brian Doyle Murray, now we've got, he probably did it intentionally

to like make the differentiation clear, right? I have to assume. Yeah. Yeah. Give me another question. This one was sent by Aaron Keyes. Thank you, Aaron. It's Yahoo Answers user. Chaz Van Bloom. Nope. Chaz Van Blom. Even better asks. How deep inside an apple is the most nutrition? Enjoying a freshly cut Washington state apple? And they put the R marked on it for a trademark? I don't think Washington state. Washington state brand apples from Oregon. How if different nutritional value is that if, so wait, you've offered me a choice here. So I'm going to go with if different is the nutritional value is the peel depth to the center where the seeds sit? Does the flesh of the apple go into varying ranges with changing nutritional levels

getting higher toward the seeds? Remembering earth science slash AG classes do vegetables, onions, beets, et cetera, have this same nutritional range that varies as by how deep the veggie is cut. You're eating an apple. Certainly you've cut it up because worms and you're eating the apple. Where's that pocket of those dank nutrients at? Because a lot of people look at the apple. I say, I get that. That's the skin. That's the flesh. It's really fucked up. That's what we call those two things. And then there's the core with the seeds, which people eat only as YouTube like challenges. But is there other sort of zones in the apple that are best for you? The pearl? And like, you know, the strata of apple that as you move down through.

You bind into the apple. The crust, the core. You bind into the apple and you hit the vitamin pocket and it expels a gaseous cloud of vitamins that you breathe in and you're stronger. We'll get the obvious out of the way first. It ain't the seeds because those contain a chemical that's transformed into cyanide in your stomach. So admittedly not enough to do you any damage. You would have to eat something like a million apples. Well, no, between 150 and a few thousand should do it. A lot. A lot of apples. A lot. A lot. I'm supposed to eat all these apples on my crash bandicoot. Do you know what others are? I thought those were mangoes.

Shh. They were a lump of fruit. It's fine though. Not everybody knows as much about crash bandicoot as I do. So don't eat the seeds because cyanide. Not good. There's probably some good stuff in there too. It's not just there. If you pour a bunch of cyanide in the ground, an apple tree doesn't climb out of it. But I need to clarify for everybody. The vitamins are in the seeds. Not those. Here's where I'm coming from. I look at an apple and I say I obviously want the vitamins out of this because that's how I look at all food. I look at a pizza. I say there's probably not many vitamins in here, but I'll figure out where these motherfuckers are. I look at an apple and I say,

this is going to be a lot of work if I do a vitamin excavation looking for the vitamins in here. I want to get in. I want to get that vitamin pocket and I want to get out. Where's that thing hiding? Where is that little bubble hiding? In the seeds. Well, shoot, Trav. That's about as deep in the apple as it gets, I think. Well, yeah, but the apple has to protect it. So now here's the thing, Justin, to your point. It is not the seeds that contain the vitamin. It is the pockets that contain the seeds, contains the vitamins. Oh, so I jam my tongue in there. Yeah. One of those seed holes and now all of a sudden I just got 10% sure. Oh, yeah, so strong. It's possible. Yeah. Think about it. I would think that it would want to keep the nutrients close to its

center for its apple babies, the seeds. Yeah. So you have to assume that the good stuff is towards the center, but not the center itself, right? In the apple spine. Is there something in the stem that we should be eating? I don't know about that. I wanted to get to the stem next because there's something going on there in there. We'll talk about the stem and then we'll talk about the apple butthole on the other side. And maybe let's talk about eating the apple's ass. This is all that people are talking about these days. This is the apple's ass. The apple ass challenge. Well, specifically just eating ass. And I'm wondering if it's because they're really talking about getting it at the apple bottom. Yeah. The one part we never think

about, the apple bottom. Yes. I've learned that the less you like a food, the better it is for you. And I really don't like eating the stem. So I have to assume that motherfucker's just packed with vitamins and nutrients. And protein. I would like to go on record right now and say I would like to label from now on everyone, everyone in the world, because everyone in the world listens to this show. From now on, I would like to refer to the apple asshole as the applejack. Yeah. Let's just establish that that's what an applejack is. Okay. So you want to call the butthole the applejack. Yeah. And now is this going to be, I know the answer already, but are people going to start referring to their own buttholes as

an applejack? Yeah. I mean, that is how language evolves. It starts with the apples, it goes to the humans. That's how it's always been. Yeah. Now I feel like I need to step in here because it's contractually obligated. And if I don't, I will hear about it one time I ate a banana funny. I don't literally know anything else to say about it. But if I didn't say that, then I would get tweets, how you not talk about the banana you ate funny. And I know. It's the one time Griffin ate a banana funny. And I already mentioned mango too. So yeah. So Justin, you got any stuff for your brand that you need to sort of dump in here or else? Regarding sort of like brands and foods. Yeah. Do you understand anything funny about apples or fruit or eating ass or anything?

I mean, there was the one man show about how much I like grapes. And if I remember correctly, it was called I love grapes because I wanted to get it out. Well, if I remember the working title was Grape Expectations. And I thought that that was a real chuckle. I really love that one. If I remember correctly, though, the full title was Grape Expectations Bracket Eating Ass in Bracket. Yeah. Well, the director of that boss, he thought that I learned sorry, you're learning, though, or Justin Skaggs. Yeah, he thought that it would people would be confused about if it was completely about grapes or some about grapes and some about Charles Dickens. So he thought that it was just like Charles Dickens eating ass. Yeah. He also tried to get me to

make Lido shuffle the intro outro and sort of all throughout underneath very quiet. And I said, Boz, I love the tune. It may be too much of the of the Lido shuffle. Now, is that a song that Boz Skaggs did? Yeah, you guys. Oh, man, it's is a heat rock trap. You should look it up after we're done here. You've probably heard before you didn't realize it was called that. Anyway, I need some advice. Two years ago, my husband and I bought a house. Congratulations. The neighbors are very nice, but they have a a hearse parked in the driveway. Initially, we didn't really mind the hearse. However, it has not started in two years. And it is attracting unwanted attention, gawkers, weirdos, and other neighbors unwanted from you, question asked her. They may be dying for

several other neighbors are trying to sell their houses and have complained about the hearse. Before you ask, yes, there is a coffin in the back. Oh, shit. Our neighbor loves this thing. He hasn't parked in the middle of his driveway. He is unable to park either his family's nice drivable new cars in the driveway because of this horseless death carriage. How do we ask him to move his beloved mortician mobile up the driveway? Frequent listeners. That's their name. That's from PS. The plot thickens. He has started playing an organ very late at night, but only on Sundays. What the fuck? No, here's the thing. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. What's the thing? Give me the thing because I would love a thing to cling to right now. This

person is leaning into this like persona, right? And so any complaining you do or like this is off putting people are staring. That's what they want. You need to play up how like, how like kind of blah it is. Like, oh, hers in the driveway. Yeah, no, that all over town now. Like, it has to not be. You also have to buy a hearse with a coffin in the back and park it. You've got to make having a hearse seem like, you know, having like a funny shaped mailbox. You know, everybody's got one. Everyone's got one. Oh, hers. That's cute. Yeah. I was just reading in vogue about how everyone's got a hearse. You know what I mean? Something like, oh, this is so normal now. Does real quick, does everybody have a funny shaped mailbox? I thought it was just me. I got

one. It looks like an applejack. And you got to kind of you got to kind of blast it right in there. Yeah. So other possibility. Lazy vampire. I'll get to it. You got to get that fucking coffin in the house. We bought it along with the hearse to transport it. And I'm sleepy. I haven't got a wink in a long time. I need somewhere to post up. Maybe that's when he's for when he's fighting with his vampire husband. He has to like, you know what? I'm I'm leave. I'm going to sleep in the car. Yeah. Fine. Fine. Fine. Oh, fine. Hold on. I gotta wait. Sunsetting. But in like five minutes. In five minutes, I'm going to storm right out of here. Well, there's definitely not a body in there, right?

Definitely not. Oh, I mean, legally speaking, a crime. Yeah. Yeah. It's a criminal crime, I guess. Could you get one of those? You know how Domino's Pizza delivery drivers have like the big sign on top? Could you get one of those and permanently affix it to the top of the hearse when he's not looking? Of Domino's? Like get a Domino's Pizza delivery sign and affix it to the top of the hearse. Permanently. Because that I think is going to mute. That is something anybody would like to have in their neighborhood because that's hilarious. So wait, you're telling me. Yeah. We're probably going to be selling our house here in the next few months or so. Tell me if I go over my neighbor's house and permanently affix a Domino's Pizza

sort of beacon on top of their car. Yeah. Yeah. It will drive up the property value of every other house on the street because everybody wants to live next to the Domino's Pizza car because then they think, boy, if I order Domino's, it'll be here in like four seconds. No, I think they'll think they don't want to live next to a Domino's Pizza delivery car. They want to live next to the Pizza hearse because, yes, that's amazing. That's how you get on Atlas Obscura right there. Thank you, Travis. Yes, absolutely. Oh, you've got to see the Pizza hearse. So he didn't talk about organ. The organ bit is on Sundays. Well, here's, there's a very vital piece of information missing, which is what kind of music is he playing? Is it like scary

family opera music? Or is he just doing like covers? Maybe he's doing a soundtrack for his family watching the football game that evening. They watch the silent, they got the silent reel and he has to play along. They got a silent TV and he plays along to sort of in company and then everyone's all here, he'll write what he thinks the announcers are saying on a card and hold it up in front of the screen. You did football bad minus 10 feet. I mean, you got to park him somewhere. I think we can all agree on that. Hearse has got to go somewhere. You don't just build a hearse every time you got to do a funeral. And it doesn't sound like he's, it starts necessarily. Like it's not working. It sounds like to me, right? It's like malfunction. You brought up that he's got it

parked in the middle of the driveway so the other cars can't get in the driveway. But I would not, I think, want to confront this reminder, this grim reminder every time I had to hop in the ride to head to Target. In the life whip. You don't want to have, I don't want to get in my living whip and look over into the death whip. Every time I, every time I had to go to the, you know, get my waxing done. And that's fair because it also like, it would be, I actually think weirder if you park the cars there just because contextually that would be weird because then you're not setting the hearse apart as like, look at this oddity I have parked in my driveway. Then it just becomes like another car I have. And that's far weirder to me. If it was like, there's my Subaru, there's my Toyota,

and there's my death car. What's the brand of the death car? Is it like a really, is it just like a long extended cab Hyundai Elantra? Like it's got to have a brand, right? That's fair. Is it like Ford? Ford, Ford, built Ford Tough. It's the Ford boat to cross the river stick. The last ride you'll ever need. Ford. That's a very good question. Who's making these dang things? Who's making these things? I don't want to know. Don't tweet at me about herses. Please don't, please don't tweet about herses. I do want to say this. I'm assuming there was not a picture attached to this Travis. There was not. No. Can I ask people if you're gonna, if you're in a situation like this where

it would be very easy to please just go ahead and snap a pic and you know, let us know if it could be publicly serviced or not. The answer is almost always probably no, but go ahead and include that pic so we can sort of get a better, like just send a pic. Cause I feel differently. I feel definitely about this if it's like a rusted out Hulk versus like a shining, beautiful, sleek, black, brand new looking hearse. They take real good care of that. That's the case. Exhibit has gotten his hands on this hearse. Maybe your neighbor's planning to do like ghost tours at some point. They just haven't really gotten their shit together enough to figure out where the ghosts are. Cause that's one of the important things. You don't want to be telling a bunch of cockamamie

tales about the locales of ghosts. You want to make sure you know where they are. So it's a legit tour because the critics will come and they'll tear you apart if it's ghost free locations. You know, yeah. And I mean, it's to probably definitely a grave robber. Should we do a money sound? Well, I real quick, can I tell a hearse related Travis anecdote very quickly? Oh, I love your Travis anecdotes and especially about her name for that segment. Yeah. In 10th grade, we were assigned a writing assignment that was like, what would you do after high school if you suddenly had a bunch of money and we had to write like where the money would come from and what it would be. And I was super into the idea of monster hunting at the time. So that's

what I said I would do. And I said, I would get this fucking report. Yes. I would get a hearse and I'd put a motorcycle in the back in case I need the motorcycle on the hearse. Well, I don't know. Definitely not legal. Probably not legal. No, definitely not legal. But I was, I guess I, in my head, I was picturing the motorcycle ejecting out the back of the hearse whenever I needed it. The hearse immediately veering off the road and exploding because nobody's driving. But now I have my motorcycle and everything's fine. And I read about like going to the Winchester house and finding out, no, in fact, it wasn't haunted, but there were vampires there. Anyways, so I turned this in and the teacher was like, well, I can't fault the writing, but this was

supposed to be like, in real life, what would you do? And I think I wrote that I would have gotten the money from my family dying in a very mysterious way. So I was also hunting that and she was like, I'm glad we got, glad we got to be involved throughout there. We got in there in the margins in the text crawl at the beginning of the film. Well, Nessie survived the Scottish Terrier and she traveled with me to help me hunt ghosts. And you know, in retrospect, I actually think that is what I would have done had I, you know, not gone on to college and if my family had all died mysteriously and given me thousands of dollars. Sorry to disappoint you there, Trav. Sorry, I'm still dead. Yeah, sorry bud. Well, you know, you are really letting down that teacher, Eric Kripke,

took your shit, made supernatural, made like a billion dollars. Yeah, I don't want to talk about it. They're always trying, they're always trying to get you and Eric got you good on this one. I keep giving away these movie ideas, TV show ideas. Griffin mentioned supernatural, so I've got to delete my Twitter account real quick. In the interim, let's go to the buddy zone. Well, I get home from a hard day at the office. And what do I see as I pull into my driveway? A large box. Oh, I don't remember. Coffin. I don't remember. I don't remember ordering anything. I tear it open. Not the way you're supposed to open it, just like start ripping into it,

because I'm so curious. You know what's in there? Beautiful bouquet from pro flowers. Oh, okay. Is this a real story or sort of a dream quest you're going through? No, this is a true story that happened to me. And I thought, boy, somebody must love me very much. I felt so special. I did read the card and it's like we're excited about the ad campaign. It's like, well, that's sweet, but you all do have a lot of flowers. So it's not like you're hurting for them. But I did appreciate the gesture. There were some berries in there too. But if you want to make a big impression on somebody, why not try pro flowers? It's the perfect way. The pro flowers thought inside the box. So you can too. Your flowers are boxed fresh

and delivered fast so that they will last surprisingly longer, seven days at least, I got to say the ones I got were about a week ago, if not more, and they're looking great. And you know, the cool thing about pro flowers, when they show up, it's really, it's really easy and not annoying to get it like looking great. You just, there's a vase included. You tear off the plastic. A vase scags. A vase scags. You tear off the plastic wrapping. You slide it in, they got some flower food in there, throw some water in and you're cooking. You got some great looking flowers. And right now our listeners can send a bouquet to their Valentine or anybody for any reason at all and save 20% off their purchase of $29

and more. To get your 20% off of a purchase of $29 more, go to proflowers.com today and use the code mybrother in these special codes box at checkout. That's proflowers.com and the code my brother. Can I tell y'all about bowl and branch? Listen. Yeah. I don't need permission. I'm just going to do it. Okay. Then you're not allowed to do it. Okay. Because we have to. We did. We took their money. I do. Listen. Sincerely, I love bowl and branch. You know, for a long time, I would like go shopping for like towels or sheets, you know, bedding stuff and think, how do I know? How do I know what's good and what's not and what's comfortable? And here's what I like. How many US presidents sleep on these sheets? Right. I don't know. Here's what I

love about bowl and branch. They don't worry about like thread count or anything like that because what if you just use shitty threads? Cool. I put a lot of shitty threads in here. Awesome. But bowl and branch instead focuses on really high quality material. So you don't have to worry about thread count. It's just super comfortable. They're like flannel sheets. It's one of the best decisions I've ever made. It is the most comfortable. Like my favorite napin sheets, you know? And listen, luxury sheets can be super expensive in stores like up to $1,000 for sheets. But bowl and branch sheets are far more affordable. Get a whole set for just a couple hundred bucks. I guarantee it's the most comfortable, like kind of nice to slip in bed feeling you'll ever have. And their

towels are great. I'm a big fan. How do I get these bad boys? Well, you go to bowlandbranch.com today and you'll get $50 off of your first set of sheets plus free shipping in the U.S. when you use promo code mybrotheralloneword. That's $50 off plus free U.S. shipping right now at bowlandbranch.com. It's B-O-L-L and branch.com promo code mybrotheralloneword bowlandbranch.com promo code mybrother. Hey, I want to tell you all about odd and ins. Are you tired of fantasy that takes itself too seriously? How do you feel about conflict solved with compassion instead of punching? What's your favorite kind of city? If you answered yes, love them, and ones that float in the sky, have I got a series for you? Odd and Inns is the ongoing story of a retired hero seeking meaning

in a simpler life set in a city populated by a hilarious and diverse cast of characters. Check it out at oddandins and that's O-D-D-N the letter N-E-N-D-S oddandins.com where new chapters posted every dang Wednesday. Now, as we all know, the dang Wednesday follows the lunar cycle. No, it's every Wednesday. They just decided to put a cuss in here because I guess they thought it was our brand and makes me want to rethink some stuff if I'm being honest. But anyway, check out oddandins.com and go read the weekly chapters they put up there. I got a message. It's for Hannah and it's from Kai. Happy early slash belated birthday, Dr. Ebony Darkness, dementia, Raven Way, Esquire. I love and appreciate you so much and forever grateful to you for you introducing me to the entire

McElroy family of entertainment. I bet Aaron and Addy are pretty grateful too. Here's hoping 2018 is less of a dumpster fire than the previous two years. Much love, sir loss. Yeah, I mean, we got the XFL this year, so so far so good, I would say. Now, technically, that doesn't start till 2020, so I'm willing to not put that on the debt of 2018. Yeah, but it's like we got two years of like Christmas Eve just waiting for that first kickoff or whatever they decide to do. They could do a jump ball. They're going to do a t-shirt cannon with footballs. And it won't happen. This is from Krista and Rob, and it's for Seb. We love you. You're an amazing friend, certified good boy, and the best half-orc prince we've had the honor of rolling with.

To fix Griffin's unfortunate missed opportunity to say that salty, salty word on Taz, it's Sebastian Siemen pronounced like that, you know. Winky face. Also, Sebastian Siemen will be on My Brother, My Brother, and Me too. There it's can't. Oh no. Oh no, now you said it. And what's My Brother, My Brother, and Me too? I don't know. It's the next podcast we're going to do. It's been announced by this other person. It's the sequel to My Brother, My Brother, and Me, and you're going to love it. We got like eight more brothers. We've been hiding. We've been holding out on you for the brothers. Hi there. I'm film critic April Wolfe and host of the Maximum Fun podcast,

Switchblade Sisters. Do you love genre films? Do you love female filmmakers? Do you love discussions on crap? If your answer is yes, you'll love Switchblade Sisters. Every episode, I invite one female filmmaker on, and we talk in depth about their fave genre film and how it influenced their own work. So we're talking horror, action, sci-fi, fantasy, bizarro, and exploitation cinema. Mothers, lock up your sons because the Switchblade Sisters are coming for you. Available at MaximumFun.org or wherever you find your podcasts. I have a yahoo here, and I wish we would have done it right after the last question. But it was sent in by Level 9000. Yadru drew a Druja report. Thank you, Dru. It's from Yadru.

Anonymous, which is good because they're about to do a crime, but we'll call them Raj asks. If someone behaves like a vampire, and I think they might really be a vampire, then am I allowed to break into the house to see if it sleeps in a coffin? Legal protections around trespassers are for humans and not vampires, right? I also want to hold a mirror in front of it to see if it has- They keep using it, that seems- Yeah, let's go with they. Yeah, I also want to hold a mirror in front of it to see if they have a reflection, and might only feel safe doing so whilst they are asleep.

Okay, so what are we trying to ascertain here? Is this legal? I think my neighbors are vampire because they have a fucking hearse in the front yard with a coffin in it. Am I legally allowed to break into their house just to see if there's a second coffin that they sleep in when they're not fighting with their husband? I can answer this for you right now, Griffin. Let's take the un out of undead and just say your neighbor dies. Are you allowed to then break into their house? No, still a crime. Well, hold on. Hold on. If you suspect they've died- And you need to get in to save them. Yeah. Well, save them.

Save them with like some real late but clutch CPR. If we're in a world where vampires exist, why can't I not do some sort of spell? Yeah. Okay. So first of all, Travis, was this a factor in your report that you did in high school, which God, please tell me you had to read that in front of the class. Please tell the other people. Our teacher was a very kind, understanding person. Very discreet. This is a high risk, high, whatever the opposite of a reward is, risk, I guess. It's a high risk, high risk sort of situation because you kick in the door and either they're all there and they're like, and they're eating like a, you know, they're eating a salad and you're like, oh, that's not

a vampire, Dracula, never get caught dead eating lettuce. And that's a fun joke, even that of itself because he is technically dead. And then you would go to jail for probably a bit. And actually, I don't know, if you just kick in the door, is it still breaking and entering if you just sort of break but don't enter? Well, here, okay, but there's another side of this, right? Would they press charges? Because if this person is really trying to live that vampire lifestyle and you were like, sorry, I thought you were a vampire, wouldn't they be a little flattered? Wouldn't they be a little bit like, thank you very much. Now please leave. What if you just, there's easier ways to ascertain this. You've Griffin mentioned salad,

knock on the door, ask to borrow a cup of lettuce. And if they have that in their house? Buy weight. Buy weight? Well, you have to, because are you packing the lettuce in the cup? All right, you know what I mean? Like, but you can't give someone a cup of lettuce by weight. That doesn't make sense. Well, I believe a cup weighs a pound. A cup of lettuce weighs a pound. Okay. That's what, that's what Alton Brown would tell you. Is that what Alton Brown, person who knows what the fuck lettuce is, would tell me about the weight of lettuce? It's like when they say, you know, which weighs more, you know, a ton of bricks or

a ton of lettuce, you know, they both weigh a ton. Yeah, that's irrelevant to what I'm saying. Now, if you're making the argument that we in America should switch to using weight measurements for baking specifically, I would completely agree with you. It's really criminal that our recipes, by and large, are delivered to us in the imperfect system of sort of like volume measurements. I think that that's a very bad way to bake and whenever possible, I prefer to bake by weight because it's much more precise. But a cup of lettuce does not weigh a pound. If you packed it tight enough, I think you could. Yeah, you could make it weigh a pound. You think you could pack lettuce tight enough to make it

weigh a pound in a cup? Yeah. Okay, well, so it vampires. Yeah, there's a lot of different things you can do here. Obviously, ask them to come outside in the daylight. You can throw a garlic at them, but that in and of itself, I think might be a different crime. What if you just made them like a casserole? Like, hey, welcome to neighborhood. What are you talking about? I've lived here for 10 years. Yes, sorry, but I never brought you this garlicky lasagna. Well, you wouldn't say that, would you? You wouldn't say garlicky lasagna, would you say that, Trev? Well, no. You'd probably just give them lasagna and then check in to see if they hate. And you put like a pound of garlic in there. That assumes that anyone human or

non-human living or undead would eat a casserole baked by a stranger. Yeah. Because no, never. Thank you so much for this charming gift. Dump. Dump it out. So the other thing you can do is go over and say, I just finished this magazine, this issue of Mother Jones. Do you want to read it? And if they say yes, not Vampire, because Vampire is staunch conservative. And so I'm not saying that all of your staunch conservative neighbors are vampires, but I'm saying probably about half of them are. If you can break in and check their internet history and you see a lot of Judge Report and Info Wars on there, you might be dealing with a vampire. If you might be a vampire, finish the

thought. Finish it. Now, if you suspect that your neighbor is a staunch Republican. No, I want the accent. I want the accent. I want three. You might be a vampire if delivered in the style of Jeff. If you're a fan of the XFL, you might be a vampire. Yeah, you're definitely a vampire. They're catering to all nightgames or else ticket sales are going to be a real problem there. Two more. If your hearse has a Papa John's light on top of it, you might be a vampire. Thank you, Jeff Wolfworthy. One more, please. Give me a second. Give me a second. If you go to church every Sunday, even though it burns your skin off, you might be, does that work? Is that a thing? Well, that's something. It's a fun one. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good one.

I like that one because I could tell that joke at church and I'm always looking for new jokes to tell at church. I'm going to work on that one. It's hard to come up with funny stuff when you can't cuss or say much anything. Griffin's church jokes are great because they're delivered during the sermon and sort of over it. Yeah. Outside of it on a megaphone. When he feels like the sermon is in a lull, like he's reading a Bible verse or something, and like, yeah, we've all got the Bible, man. Thanks. The big pastor's up there and would say something like, you know, the disciple Paul in his letter to the, and then just from the audience, which is what you call the crowd at a church. You would just hear, if you don't finish your

garlic lasagna. And then I get kicked out again, which you probably don't even realize. They will do that to you. If you didn't finish the joke, so I don't actually know the punch line now. You only started the joke. So what would be sort of the rest of it? You might be a redneck. Well, no, that's the other. That's Jeff Fox worthy, not Jeff Wolf worthy. No, I know. But I would do this. Jeff Wolf worthy, Justin, because it's like a werewolf thing or just because Wolf is like Fox. Wolf is like Fox and also Dracula's can change into wolves. So that's kind of the children of the night. Listen to the children of the night. What beautiful music they make. If the beautiful music your children of the night make is all country western,

you might be a vampire. Now that's good. Let's go more specific. If the beautiful music your children of the night make is all Hank Williams senior tunes, you might be a vampire. Now what is a man? A miserable pile of secrets. But enough have at you. If your coffin has a big number three etched in the side, you might be a vampire. How dare you, Justin? There's probably more of these. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, we could probably do a lot. But would anybody enjoy it or listen to it? Has anyone enjoyed anything we've done so far? And I don't just mean in this episode. I mean like it's April since April 10th, 2010. It's impossible to say. How about another question? I would love that. Here it comes. I'm currently attending cosmetology school

and I have been for several months now. Astronauts. Unfortunately, only today I've been told our school's graduation ceremony tradition. Each student on their graduation day gets to pick a song to come out to in front of everyone and they are seated at the front of the class and complimented by your teachers and peers. It's actually quite lovely. My problem is this, I've been cheated out of three months to decide on a song. Three months in and they're just now telling me I must choose a song to encapsulate my entire being. A song that will be the soundtrack of my arrival to the professional world. A song of glory, of the literal blood, sweat and tears I've given to graduate. Brothers, how do I pick the one perfect song that will escort me into the

cold embrace of adulthood, pump up the rest of my class for graduation and will represent the essence of me? This is the most important decision of my life. Also, due to an incident that no one will fucking tell me about, no one is allowed to choose party rock anthem. Thank you. Thank you for ruling that out, bewildered in beauty school. And thank you also for not including any relevant details about yourself whatsoever because that definitely does make it easier. Well, let's work backwards. Let's memento this one. What happened with party rocking? Right? Does that one have foul lyrics in it that maybe it came on and all the cool professors were like, nice. But then there's a part where LMFAO is like, you know, talking about their

Apple Jacks or something like that. And people are like, ugh, it's crude. This is a big school. I'm currently reviewing the tune on Genius Lyrics, which is, it seems like they should have another dough name. Yeah. Yeah. This is one of my just weird facts that I know about sports, and it's not even really directly about sports. But there is a Cincinnati Reds player. I don't even know if he still plays, but he was the third baseman. His name was Scott Rowland. And you know, baseball players get to pick their own walkout music when they walk up to take, you know, they're at bat. And so Scott Rowland just let his daughter pick. And so like she always picked like Justin Bieber and like Taylor Swift and stuff. And that was

just like his walkout music. And I just think that like that's the best. That's just really fun to me. And I just really enjoyed that fact and I wanted to share it with everybody. Yeah, it's not funny, but it's, you know, nice. Yeah. You can tell that Joggle Church, you know. I could definitely get in front of the crowd during the sermon and do that one. It's kind of a bummer that I can never release an album because the best name for an album, sorry for party rocking, is already taken. It's already been done. And it's nice that they understand that they have made a mistake. Wouldn't it be, I think it would be better to go if that album wasn't by LMFAO. It's just like, listen, I try with some macro on behalf of

all music. Apologize for party rocking. All right. What's the song? What's the song? This is interesting because like you could pick a song that encapsulates you or you could pick like an aspirational song. Like a song that I like, don't stop me now, you know, is a song of like, this is me. This is the me I want to be. I mean, that's a good answer. That's a good answer. But it's not the best answer. Okay. I think you, I mean, you get up there and you do, don't stop me now. Just do that one. If we say nothing else, that is better. Just do that one because that is a very good one. I think that's going to get the crowd very psyched. What's the best answer though? What if you do the graduation song, you know, the

pomp and circumstance? Okay. I thought you meant as we go. Either one is fine. It's something to placate those fascist teachers up on our teachers, our national treasure, a fascist up on stage. And then what's that record scratch? And then what's the, what are they here for coming from the crowd? Party Rock is in the house tonight. It's an a cappella version. You've worked with an entire school to do the entire thing. So what the fuck are they going to do? Kick you out? No, you already got that piece of paper. Actually wait till you get the piece of paper. Yeah. Because once that happens, that's a legally binding. You graduated and now you can't take that from you. No, you get that and then screw you up. That's the record scratch noise and that's

how they make it. And then coming from the crowd is Party Rock in the house tonight. Everybody's going to have a good time. And you kind of do like stop. Like you're like putting your hands like, please, no, I'm not allowed. And they're, and they're like, we're sorry for Party Rocking. And then you join in. And then the teachers are like, why did we ban this fucking tune? Because we're into it. And then you start dancing. You're dancing. And the small town priest is like, oh, you know what? This is actually flying. Yeah, he takes off his vestments and he's wearing like, you know, hot pants and a rave shirt. And he's like ready. He's ready to go. And then there could be a big food fight. Oh, that would be so great. And you're all just doing each other's hair and

getting ready to blast off into space. And then Red Foo and Sky Blue stand up and they're like, hi, this is over. Yeah, we're back. And they do a sequel to the song right there. Still sorry for Party Rocking. Yeah. And listen, we can't apologize enough for Party Rocking. And this one's going to be an even more contrite. Can I tell you something? I'm looking at the lyrics of Party Rock Anthem. There's very little apology happening here. Yeah, they're not even sorry for Party Rocking, really. Yeah, so it seems like they're kind of celebrating it. And if they really wanted me to believe their bullshit apology, they would have a little, little something in here. Now, there is an entire song called Sorry for Party Rocking, which I think might be better,

more palatable in terms of apologies. Okay, I'm looking at the lyrics of this one. They do actually say sorry for Party Rocking actually a lot in this one. Yeah, there's like a lot of that. I'm looking at it. They say it about 32 times. So that's a good song as far as I can tell. Just look at the lyrics. Because it gets a message across. Yeah, they did it bad. So that could work. Banger Rang by Skrillex. Banger Rang, but you can't come out to the drop. Yeah. Yeah, and that takes a little while. It takes a while to get there. Banger Rang wants you to have to be done before the drop. So it's just like, go, go, go, go, go. Is there a song that has the drop at the beginning of it? And that might be the antithesis of it, but I would love it.

If you know Skrillex was like, I got a new song, here it comes. And then it's like, well, thank you. I didn't have to wait at all. You just sort of hit me up front with that. And it's weird. You didn't really build up a lot of anticipation. And then everything that came after that was actually pretty disappointing. It's just down to. Is there a song that has the drop at the very end of it? That's just like, for like four and a half minutes. And it's like, and that's the end of the song. And it's like, oh man, I don't know if that would be satisfying either, Griffin. I don't think EDM is sort of your future. Shoot. What about a song that's all drops? And so it opens up and it's like, hey, I'm onto something because I felt that made me want to fucking graduate.

That's everybody's favorite part, you know, so you just have the drops. Oops, all drops. The new LMFAO album. They're back. They're back. And it's more. LMFAO is back. But sadly, we have to depart. This is the end of the episode. Thank you so much for listening. Fun news, our TV show. If you can call something that was six episodes long, a TV show, which I do, our TV show is now available on iTunes and Google Play in the Americas here in the U.S., not the Americas, just this one. It was already in Canada. And I'm actually not by Mexico. But anyway, here in America, you can get it on iTunes and Google Play the day it went up because you all are so sweet. It went to number one on the iTunes charts for TV shows. So thank you for doing

that. We should mention that. That's fucking wild to me, by the way. It's wild. You are buck wild. We should mention, though, that we're not great with contracts, so we don't actually make any money when you buy it. So don't come to us all like, I helped align your pockets by buying this show I already watched. Because we don't actually make anything off it, but we're super happy that people are buying it and enjoying it. We got a nice deal. They gave us $30 each. They say, go make a TV show. And one of those big oversized spirally lollipops, which was nice. We did each get a very big lolly and $30, which, looking back, maybe not the best one. And I can't use that $30 to buy more lollies. Yeah. We're actually going to, as soon as this

is done, and it might be up when you're listening to this. Will we put it in the feed? Do you think? Does that make sense? That would probably be a good place for it. Because everybody can watch it now pretty much. We're going to put it in the feed. We'll have a commentary track for the second episode of the show that you can watch alongside of it. I think we're going to record with our buddy JD Amato, who directed and ran our program. So that'll be fun. So you can listen to that along with the episode if you would like to do so. But you can get that on iTunes. It's also, if you would prefer, available for free in the US on VRV.co. You can find it there for free. I also want to say, so I mentioned on the last episode, I'm doing this

secret society show, Cincinnati Underground Society Show, Friday, March 30th at 8 p.m. here in Cincinnati. The ticket link is live now. You can go to bit.ly slash cuss march, c-u-s-s march. Tickets are $15. And I'm bringing in five guests and any money that's left over after that, I'm going to take 50% of it and donate it to a local charity. And the other 50% is going to go to keep doing the show. So I'm not doing this to raise money or to make money for myself at all. I'm doing it to raise some money for an organization and then to kind of keep the show going. But if you would like to go ahead and get your tickets to that, you can do so at bit.ly slash cuss march. I'm sure the NRA is just going to love getting that big check in the mail, Travis.

What an odd choice. I'm not a vampire. Good point. I also want to remind you all. If you do a comedy charity show to raise money for the NRA and you have things, you might just be a vampire. So you can add anything. If you like the cereal, cinnamon, toast, crunch, and your fangs turned into a bat, you might be a vampire. We're making a graphic novel of the Adventure Zone. If you don't already know, you can find out more about it at theadventureszone.com. There's a dog. If you never watch the Adventure Zone or listen to it, it is an audio program. If you're going to listen to it, thank you. We just put out a new trailer for it that we commissioned this week and searched for the Adventure Zone trailer on YouTube and it'll pop up there. And

if you want to give it a shot, just try it. Try it out. I think you'll like it. It's a good show. If you don't want to listen to all 69 nice episodes of the original ARC, we're doing a new one right now called Amnesty. You deleted it already, right? Your Twitter? Oh, yeah. I don't have much. It's kind of supernatural-esque. It's set in West Virginia and we're having a lot of fun with it. Thanks to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. You can go to maximumfun.org and check out all the great shows there. We also have all our shows and videos up at macaroyshows.com. And thanks to John Rodgerick in the Long Winters for the use of our theme song as a departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed. Very, very, very good album. So we're done, right? Yeah. You want that final?

Give it to me. So I'm going to send in by Merritt Palmer. Thank you, Merritt. It's another anonymous Yahoo user. I'm going to call him Purvis. It asks, is Squidward a Christian? My name is Justin McIlroy. I'm Travis McIlroy. I'm Griffin McIlroy. This has been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dads. Clear on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hi, I'm Vince. And I'm Teresa. And we host One Bad Mother, a comedy podcast about parenting. Whether you are a parent or just no kids exist in the world, join us each week as we honestly share what it's like to be a parent.

Turns out it isn't what we thought it would be. For example, stickers on car windows. It's no longer about what type of monster would let that happen and more like realizing you are that monster. So join us each week as we judge you less, laugh more, and remind you that you are doing a great job. Download One Bad Mother on Maximumfun.org or Apple podcasts. And yes, there will be swears.