My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 393: Bungrob Squareman

Episode Date: February 13, 2018

Time's running out to sign up for the Olympics! Don't sweat it if you miss the deadline, though. Our dude Todd can get you to the top of the hill. Just keep that between you, us and Todd, okay? Suggested talking points: Olympic Walk-Ups, Fun Registry, Smashing the Pac-Man, I'll Dance At Your Wedding, Baby's First Words, Gargoyles

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to our brother, my brother and me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm that sweet baby brother in 30 under 30 media luminary Griffin McElroy. It just sounds like you're scatting.

Do you know who did that? Scatman. John Williams, that's right. John the Scatman William. John Williams, feet the Scatman. Happy birthday, John Williams. Turned 86, still cranking out the hips. What is this intro? It is an intro about the Olympics, folks. The time to sign up for the Olympics is

drawing close. You don't have much time left if you want to sign up to do an event. Some of the events are already ended, so those would be a little tougher to get into. They can retroactively get you in. Talk to Troy at the gate. He's got the red backpack and talk to him and say, I want to do the big jump. Troy will say, well, they already did the big jump. And then you say, please? And he says, all right, get up there. Then you do it the best anyone's ever done it. They go and they take the gold medal away from Germany.

And they're like, sorry, Griffin did better at the big jump. He was a walk-up. And then you tell everybody the story about Troy and Troy is fired. Yes. Because rules are rules. But they can't take your gold away from you. They cannot take it away from whoever did legally win it and give it to the walk-up. And there's really no time limit. I actually, I got Kristi Yamaguchi's gold medal from, what was that? Nagano, I think.

And this was like three weeks ago. It's amazing how few people take advantage of all the rules, loopholes in the Olympics. There's a lot. I was reading a book by Matthew Lesko about all the rules that are just left on the table that nobody claims. You know what I mean? If you hold an event in your backyard and call it the Olympics and you win one of the events, they have to give you a gold medal, like an official one. Do you know that? And then you can just turn around and you shouldn't because it's a nation's pride.

But you just go sell that dang thing for probably like 200 bucks. No problem. Did you know that you can go and compete in the Olympics as your own sovereign nation? Now here's the thing. Let me be clear. It's not as easy as it sounds because you do have to establish your own government and like your own Magna Carta or declaration or what have you. It does have to be recognized by the UN. But you can just go and be like the nation state of Griffin and just compete as Griffin. I've been thinking a lot about what event I want to do this year because I did miss the big jump

and it's such a hassle finding Troy because sometimes he doesn't have the fucking backpack on. And I think I might do Tony Hawk's downhill jam. And this is his new event that he has going on based on the very good 2006 video game. And it's sort of a mix of jump, ski, slalom, stunt. And then you're halfway down, there's a half pipe. And then at the end, you withdraw the rifle you've had on your back the whole time and you shoot some cans out of the air that Tony Hawk throws up there for you. I love it.

Um, that's that's, uh, that's interesting. I'm going to see if you have to cross country skis at the top of the hill, but that's not really part of the race just to get there. Right. I'm actually going to be speed running taboo the sixth sense for the NES. Interesting. Okay. Yeah. And it's not that's a tarot card simulator. So it's not necessarily going to be competitive.

I guess you have to wait for the medals to be distributed in the coming years as you see who's reading of the cards was the most accurate. Right. That's so it takes a while to get it, but it, you know, it's, it's an investment. And it's so subjective this scoring on that one. I feel like I'm always getting boned. That's why I like the downhill jam. It's just me, my board, my cross country skis, my guns and Tony's cans.

I think this, uh, this time I'm going to, my wife and I have been trained, Theresa and I've been training really hard, uh, in the competitive couples asynchronous napping. Yeah. Um, where it's like, I'm going to nap now and then I'll get up and I'll take care of the baby and then you can nap. Yeah. And the longer you can spread that out, um, the, the, the better that is for you. I thought I was going to end up on the podium because I went down at like nine a.m. one day early nap and Rachel didn't nap until 11 p.m.

And what happened? I didn't win anything. Travis, thanks for fucking rubbing it in. Well, you started the story. Yeah, I know. And then I didn't have an ending for it. And I didn't think anybody was going to call me on my bullshit, but here we are. I might also do curling.

Yeah. I forgot that this occurred until, uh, this is kind of a persistent delight that pops up, uh, every time the Olympics comes around, um, is, uh, that there's one called skeleton, which is fun. There's like bobsled and downhill Alpine and skeleton. That's just like xylophone playing, but it's your own ribs. Yeah. Right. You got to play your own. No, it's, it's what's great about it is it's basically like bobsledding, but it's the

tiniest possible sled. Yeah. So it's like this heightened awareness of like, uh, yeah, I will just name it after the thing that I'm going to destroy. I'm going down. Yes. Somebody looked at, uh, bobsled and said, not dangerous enough. Well, I have just lose.

No, no, no. I want to be a centimeter off the ice with nothing around me. Um, I wanted a sport where if I sneeze while I'm doing it, I will perish. That sounds very, sounds very, very fun to me. Hey, I thought of a really fucking good parody song this morning while we were watching the Olympics. Can I tell you it? Yeah, please.

It goes like, um, so, I'm a loser, baby. I'm a loser. I'm a loser, but sorry, the microphone I have sometimes has trouble with the like quality and fidelity. So I'm worried that you're hearing it and you actually think I'm doing a pitch perfect version of Beck's, um, loser, but I'm instead of saying loser, it's loo, it's loser. And then what's the next line?

Uh, so why don't you thrill me? Cause you're, it's such a, you're so excited to be out there. Uh-huh. So I'll get at me, um, and Al takes our calls. He was in our TV show. I'm assuming he would take our call, right? I have to imagine. Hey, brothers, I have a moral.

I was talking to Al Jarreau, actually. He's getting into the game. I think he passed away. Let you move him down. Yeah. Let you're losing here to stay. Make it easy, let you're losing down. Hey brothers, I have a moral dilemma.

You don't get to, you don't get to do your Al Jarreau enough. My fucking dope ass Al Jarreau. I'm so glad. I need 393 episodes. You can hide your light under a bushel. Finally get to do my fucking great Al Jarreau. I'm just so glad it has brought such a tickle to my heart that you were able to do your Al Jarreau finally.

Yeah. We lost Al Jarreau. Oh my God. It was exactly one year upon you hearing this. Holy shit. It's exactly one year. What a touching tribute. This is our touching tribute to Al Jarreau,

who is very good at singing. Hey brothers, I have a moral dilemma. I have been debating whether or not to put an Nintendo Switch on my wedding registry. My fiance is on board, as she is the one who suggested it, so nobody's there. My problem is that I feel if people see an expensive toy on there like the Switch, they'll feel we really don't need

anything and not give us as much presents. I'm sadly against putting one on for this reason. Am I making too big of a deal out of it? That's from fiscal fiance. You can work around this just by asking for like a $250 GameStop gift card on your registry, although I don't think that necessarily skirts this dilemma. Could you ask for a gift card for like an exact price

of the Switch for like Target or Walmart or something? There's other places you can. Yeah, for sure. I mean, you know me. I'm brand loyal. Once you're in the fuck. Once you once that GameStop. Once you're in the fuck.

Once you're in the fuck. What, the what? You said once you're in the fuck. Once you're in the fuck. Once you're in the fuck of GameStop. I'm just saying once you're in the fuck, I can't really get out. Hey man, I'm at GameStop.

Well, how's it going? I'm deep in the fuck. It's brutal over here, bro. Way down deep. I'm just saying you sling enough reservations. You sling enough game and former subscriptions. You can't just get that out of your blood, you know? I mean, I did legit last night have a dream

where I worked at Best Buy again. I have that about once a week. Yeah, it comes with those. I haven't worked at Best Buy since 2008. It has been a solid decade. It's the lunar cycle, bro. Those blue shirts coming. You could say that your dream is to work at Best Buy again.

Literally. No, it's often an anxiety dream. I got you. In which everything has gone wrong and I have had once again to turn to the big blue embrace. I think it's fine to do a cute one on your registry wedding or baby or what have you. Because a lot of times I look at somebody's registry

and I think, God, I don't want to get him something so poor. Like this is all so poor. Even though I'm not getting it, it borders me to look at the page and think about it and then click it. Like, oh, yeah, you can steam all your shirts. Every time you steam a shirt, you could think, no. Just like, but like switch. You'd be like, hey, that's fun.

Thank you. It all feels like a fun gift. I'm excited. Most of it feels so perfunctory. Like you see like a thing for like, oh, we need nipples. And it's like, I can get your nipples. And that point is just like, yeah, I got you. I got you some rags.

I know you need, and that's not a joke. You need hundreds and hundreds of rags for a baby. Not so much for a wedding. I forgot what the question was about. But if I see a switch on there, I know that if you were, that's the only thing on there that you really want to get. The other stuff you need to get. And I think I would be, I mean,

I'd probably want to split it with some folks because it would probably be one of the more expensive items on the list. But like, that's, I would know that I'm getting you something that you're going to be very excited about, which is like the point of gift giving. So like- I do understand this question though,

because we like, I have encountered this many times and I like where someone will say like, so what do you want? What can I get you? And you say something like, you know, pretty out there, pretty like, I'll tell you what I want. What I really, really want. A couple of chia pets.

And they're like, no. And I'm like, oh, that was what I wanted. But I guess you know better. I think the switch is also helpful here because it is such a strong experience for two players. Anywhere that you and your new spouse are out and about, you can enjoy some Puyo Puyo Tetris or what have you, some super clips.

There's the Dr. Phil marriage counseling game. That's, yeah. That one's really hot. It's rated- Who will let go first? It's rated M for mature because of just all the cussing that Dr. Phil does. You gotta fucking love each other.

You gotta fucking love each other. I don't know what Dr. Phil sounds like. Oh man, I know it's going to fix your marriage. I've got it all figured out. Is, you gotta plug in the Yoshi amiibo. Many games. Do you know on the back in the day when we were trying to get this show going,

I made business cards from my brother, my brother and me that I left all over town. And on it had a web address where you could listen to the show and it had a quote ascribed to Dr. Phil. And the quote was, it's like listening to three invisible Dr. Phil's. That was my, I said, I did that and I was like,

hmm, good enough for a business card. Let's go ahead and get 500 of these and get the word out about this show. And I guess you look at it as today and I guess it works. So what I'm saying to you is do exactly that. I showed a friend that business card and they expressed concern that he might sue us for attributing a quote to him that he did not say.

And my response was, can you think of the publicity? How amazing would that be? Yeah, the best possible thing. I think put this switch on your registry. I think it's fine. I don't think, and if anybody sees this and says, well, I'm not gonna get them a present,

you un-invite them from the wedding. Cause they sound like a real square and it sounds like they hate Mario and his brother Luigi and their best friend Yoshi. So. Do you think Yoshi is equal best friends with Mario and Luigi? Or do you think it's the kind of thing

where like Mario was friends with Yoshi first and like, yeah, he gets along with Luigi, but if push came to shove, you know whose side he'd be on. Who is Mario's better friend, Luigi or Yoshi? Let's take a moment and think about this. Oh, shit. Or Toad. Where does it fall?

Okay. Toad is not, nobody's friend. Toad is tolerated because they need him around harvest time to pull all the onions out fast. If Mario is the Vinny Chase of the Mario World Entourage. Yeah. Absolutely. I'm not doing this with you.

Then I think Luigi's drama, right? Cause they're brothers. You're saying Luigi's like the heat that everybody's all in demand for Luigi. That's Vinny, Vinny. Mario's Vinny. Johnny Drama, his older half-brother who once had a TV show, but now is in demand.

Oh, can Bowser be turtle? No, I think Bowser would probably be... He looks like a fucking turtle. Might be Parameach Evans. Can we not have Paramea involved in this project? I don't think Paramea's in this project. No, Paramea's fine. The bizarro version of Jeremy Piven?

Awesome, dude. And so then the question is, is Toad E or is Yoshi? I think Yoshi would be E and Toad are probably eternal. I'm just going to start reading the next Yahoo. But don't you think... The Travis can continue going. And the cross talk will be unbearable.

But here's one from Merritt Palmer. Thank you, Merritt Palmer. It's from Yahoo Answers User Collection who asks, Walsh might be Waluigi? How to get Pac-Man dots off monitor. These and then a bunch of periods. I want to eat these. This is a great point.

As long as we're going to talk about video games a whole bunch of this episode. I play, I have a trouble, I have a trouble playing Pac-Man's little quest that he goes on. And Ms. Pac-Man. Sometimes Griffin, I can't tell if you're still reading the Yahoo or if we've spiraled into Griffin's brain now. No, we're in here.

In here, in my mind. Because I watch the Pac-Man eat all these dots. And I'm excited for him. But you do it enough and you start to get jealous because you start to wonder like, what do they taste like? What do they taste like? What is the texture like? How is he not getting full?

I've made him eat so many of these dots. Are they not filling? Are they like little pop chips? I always assumed they were like corn pops, like the cereal corn pops. That's what I imagine they tasted like. You get jealous from seeing the dots and then soon that turns into anger.

And then you just run Pac-Man right into those murderous ghouls just so he can feel the sting of death. And you can feel some sort of release from this cycle of jealousy that you're stuck in. You don't know how to get to the dots, but at least you know Pac-Man is not going to eat them all before you figure it out. Right, you need to leave those dots.

Do you think the dots are maybe like some kind of prescription medication that Pac-Man has to take? I cannot imagine a dosage, a doctor in the world that would prescribe a dosage that's just like as many as you can eat before the ghosts kill you. Can I ask a question? Yeah. Can I do a smash on the monitor to get the dots out?

How do you mean? Think of the arcade cabinet for Pac-Man. Okay, slow down, slow down. Okay, you have start button, you have coin slot, you have Pac-Man move stick. And that's more or less it. And then you have the art and you can't eat that. And then you have the monitor and that's where the game lives

inside of that. Yes. And it just seems like if this person wants to get the dots off monitor, you need to get in the monitor somehow. So if you wait, and I think you do it at the beginning of the level when there are the most dots and the fewest ghosts, because that's the problem, you can do a big smash right on the monitor and get all the dots out

and be careful of the ghosts. That's the only problem on my planet, so I'm seeing it right now. If I smash up the monitor with my big fist and then I get those dots out, are the ghosts going to get me? Is Pac-Man going to get you? If I was Pac-Man, I'd be very upset that you did that and took my dots away. Yeah, you got into his natural environment and you took his food away. And Pac-Man's a big wild beast.

You know, fuck, I've been watching a lot of Blue Planet. You make an excellent point, Groven, in that yes, Pac-Man wants to eat the dots, but the ghost wants to eat Pac-Man. I should be rooting for the ghosts here. It's the circle of life. Yeah, those ghosts have to eat. And obviously they didn't. And that's why they already died.

And we should even talk about the fact that how did Pinky and Blinky and Inky and Stinky and all of them get killed in a terrible passion? Then the game never really explores that. Like, they were just- They're actually the ghosts of every Mario and Luigi who's died in a Mario game. Whoa. Whoa, down. Yeah, close over.

Hey, big news. I don't want to talk about Pac-Man anymore. What about, but I didn't even get to my whole thing about Adam Sandler's pixels, Justin. I didn't even get to talk about him. Isn't you saying that? Doesn't that cover it? Yes.

Back when I was about seven, I was at a dinner in my hometown. Nope. Just the one in there. One more game. Back when I was about seven, I was at a diner in my hometown and I was enjoying a crisp, tasty water with a lemon wedge. Hey, folks, this is a quick break from me to you. When you get a drink at a restaurant, even if you're getting a soda,

go ahead and get a little ask a lemon wedge in there. You're going to be shocked at how much that spices up that cola or water. It's a real treat and sometimes it may look a little funny if you ask for that coke, but trust me on this one. I remember taking the lemon wedge out, tasting it, and saying to no one in particular, I love lemons. A complete stranger leaned over to me and said,

if you eat too many lemons in a day, you'll die, and then turn back to their meal. To this day, I can't enjoy a nice lemon without the thought of imminent death looming over me. Why did this complete stranger say this to me? What do they know that we don't? And how can I finally get back to my pre-lemon-fearing days? And that's from lemon dread.

The thing about it is, if you eat too much of anything, you'll die. Because how are we defining too much? And I would submit it's the number it takes to kill you. That's too much lemons would kill you. So yes, but too much of waffles, serrano peppers, marmalade. I could eat a million lemons. How many lemons? Okay, do you think you could eat enough lemons

to kill you before you passed out? This is a weird line that I don't know necessarily what to explore. This body horror, this 7-esque gluttony of lemons. This man of blue spheres. Yeah. What? Okay, this person said this to plant a flag

in your memory with their face on it, so that one day you would write into an advice show and talk about this strange thing that they said to you one time. They are your constant. They are a performance artist is what they are. Oh. And they, this is a very, you are their most successful exhibit.

Because I don't think you need to worry about eating a lemon and passing away from it. I literally don't know what else to say about this question. Do you guys, do you have any memories from childhood of someone? So I remember once, so I took a Ritalin and then later different versions of ADD medication growing up. And I remember once a health teacher, mind you, now this is at the time when health teacher was synonymous

with gym coach. But a health teacher telling me in elementary school, because I took one of my pills without a drink, told me that if I continued to take pills without a drink, it would get stuck in my throat and give me throat cancer. How did that? Wow, that's a good health teacher. Yeah, that's maybe the worst possible subject teacher

to tell you that falsehood. Yes. This is the same health teacher I believe that, because I used to write notes on my hand in ink. That I would get hand cancer. I would get hand cancer. Sort of a one arrow in their quiver, it sounds like. You know, how did you, I wish you had told me

how you responded to this person. That's the thing I really want to know from this story, because if somebody told me this, I think I would just try to make myself as small as possible until the situation resolved itself. Of course, they probably reacted the same way every child does, appropriately, when a stranger talks to them. Silence, and returning to your business.

People gotta be careful what you say to kids. They remember, once I was at Bob Evans Farm, and an old man, once I was at Bob Evans Farm, I had to start that digger run up. I gotta start over, I lost my mo. I once was at Bob Evans Farm, and an old man couldn't get his change out of the soda machine. And I went over, and I was probably 10, and I went over,

and I helped this old man. I got his change out, and I handed it to him. And he said, thanks, young man, I'll dance at your wedding. And I had, and I was like fucking so tripped out for the rest of the day, like, what does he know that I don't? Why would he say this to me? How will this old man find me? How will he know I'm getting married?

I didn't give him my name. How will he know to find me? And for, I would say, like, I mean, I remember, I'm 37 years old now. I remember this moment, like, with perfect clarity, where I was when this adult said this weird shit to me. Can we please just, like, say normal things to kids and reduce our idioms and our metaphors

when talking to children? Did he turn into a beam of light after he said that and shoot into the heavens? No. Did you see him at your wedding? Trank is, Trank is Cherry Coke. Oh, he would have been long dead. He was an old, old man, and I was not married

for two decades later, so I'm sure. Okay, but be honest with me. For a second, Justin, for a second on your wedding day, did you look? You look around? 100% guaranteed no question. This is also another vivid memory, is being towards the end of the ceremony

and having the fleeing thaw like, huh, didn't see him. All right, well, enjoy your change, I guess. And then Sidney transforms. Yeah. My crane, why? Is it? That's what that song's about. Is it a possible, I think maybe just,

definitely don't talk to a strange child who says something at a restaurant in the booth behind you. Like, I love lemons. That was the thing that activated this person's mind to say like, my turn to speak. Like, that's wild. We were at a grocery store yesterday

and they had a cart at the front that had, I had never seen these before, they had a two, like a plastic seat in the front so that you could strap two kids into. It elongated it by about a foot and a half, so it piloted it as a utter disaster. And it's designed for two children, but Charlie saw it was like, hell yeah, yeah,

absolutely, I think I'm gonna ride in that weird carnival shopping cart. And we didn't want to because they're miserable to push around and also she's one child and I couldn't deal with the pressure of people looking at me like, huh, two-seater for one kid, interesting. So we were arguing with her for,

it felt like about three hours trying to get her out and this other woman who had a daughter roughly Charlie's age leaned over to Charlie and said, actually that one's got a flat tire. And that worked instantly. And that woman is my true homie for life. I tried to give her a blood debt and she was, I didn't know exactly how it worked.

So I ended up just kind of walking away, but like, I will never forget this person. And that is a rare instance where like, maybe this person, what I'm getting at is, maybe this person saw something on your parents' face where it's like, again, with the fucking lemons. This kid, this kid always eats lemons and it's so weird and the person at the other table is like,

no problem, I have got your back. But they didn't, let me take care of this one for you. I have, I have just the right thing to say. And then they went back to their home and they looked at the magic mirror and they said, am I free yet? Am I free from the curse? Have I saved another child?

They went back to their orange farm. I was like, fuck yeah, I did it again. Another one, another got another one guys. We're going to be King of Citrus Mountain before you know it. Are you there? Are you saying that oranges and lemons are competitors in some way? They occupy two completely different sort of eating experience fields. What I'm saying is if you,

if the custom was to have an orange slice on top of every fancy drink you ever had, that'd be a pretty good day for the orange people. We've got Blue Moon. How do we expand? We could get into water. No, everybody knows what goes, wait, yeah? I've got an idea.

What if little gorilla marketing. Yep, we tell people. I go from soda fountain to soda fountain just yelling that lemons are bad. Yeah, that sounds a pretty good idea, Mark. Get out there, Mark. Get out there, Mark. You start and we'll follow you.

Grass roots, Mark. Street team. Going to take a quick break now. Get our duckets in a row. That's not saying. Anyway, it's the money. I liked it though. It was almost a turn of phrase.

It was good, yeah. Hey, I want to tell everybody all about me on these me on these. They make underwear for TMI, man. Yeah. I don't get it. Yeah, what's TMI? Too many ideas. So that's worse.

That's worse. Yeah, so. No, no, no, no. Hold on. Give us another one. No, we got to move on. We got to move on. Too many intros.

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That was really good, Griffin. You did a great job. Good job, Griffin. Oh, come on, please. Please, you flatter me. Trav, do you want to read this one? Sure I do. Posted rates have gone up again.

That's all it says. We're in. Anyways, let's stamp. So let's move on to the next one. My name is Greg Williamson with a special message on my brother, my brother, and the postage rates have gone up again. Bye. Let's stamps.com keep your rates down with postage discounts up to 40%.

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a four-week trial plus postage and a digital scale. Let's go to stamps.com. Click on the microphone at the top of the home page and type in my brother. That's stamps.com. Enter my brother. What? Enter my brother.

Just say it. Come on. Just gross. It's gross. No, I meant like an Osmosis Jones way. I got it. I have a message here. It's about Cedric.

You know what I say about him? He said Cedric. No, he did. He said Cedric. Thank you, Travis. It's a dream folk band. Start over, start over. I fucked it.

Why do I have to start over? No, I fucked it up. Yeah, I know I fucked it up. So I'm not starting over. What word did I leave off on? Band. Thanks to Chicago, Illinois. Cedric is a dream folk band based in Chicago, Illinois

using their roots in folk music and influences from Alt Rock and Electronica. Cedric explores emotionally-stirring themes via complex vocal harmonies and sweeping symphonic soundscapes that has been described as haunting evocative beautiful music by WGN Radio. Listen to the album claps now

and find Cedric on social media. That's at S-E-D-G-E-W-I-C-K band. That's their Twitter handle. Listen to Cedric's full-length studio album. I did say full-length. And you also did say Cedric that time. That was Cedric. Now I know it's Cedric.

It's Cedric. Listen to Cedric's. Listen to Cedric's full-length studio album claps on Spotify, SoundCloud, iTunes, and find out more at Cedricmusic.com. Okay, I figured out the problem. Listen to Cedric's full-length. Cedric.

So you like music? Cedric, we're very sorry. Cedric sounds like you're saying Cedric with a baby accent. And I understand that now. I get it. And that's not on Cedric. It's a great name.

And this music does sound evocative and powerful. It's just we fucked it up and then we kind of went down our own little hole. We made the hole. And then we, your baby people, we made a hole. You'll remember it now. It's Cedric, not Cedric. And I'm not speaking with a baby accent

for two different words. I have a message here for Jessica, and it's from Graham who says, Dearest Magpie, you're the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm so lucky to have you as my partner, best friend, wife, and baby mama. Why are we all like capable of reading these like normal human beings?

My best friend, wife, and baby mama. I'm grateful you said I will all those years ago. Thank you for being mine, for the family we've chosen and built, and for all our days together. Love forever and always. Gee, PS, great job. I didn't even say that part right.

Okay, Jessica, Graham, congratulations on your momentous love. And it's the kind of stuff that's going to move mountains. And that's all I have to say about that. And I'm really glad that Jessica, when asked, will you help me hide this body, said I will. Yeah, sure. She's always down.

She knows the best spots. She knows the game. Griffin, read this one too. You just keep doing such a good job reading. Let me prepare, let me moisten my instrument. Oh, God. Were you reacting to your own phrase there? Yeah, here's one for Jay,

and it's from Tosca who says, hey, Jay, happy belated candle nights. It was a pretty belated candle nights. Thank you for being one of my, thank you for being one of my close friends and introducing me to these good, good brothers and the adventure zone. Looking forward to more gaming hijinks,

dumb references and memes, childhood crime stories, and hotel wrestle battles. Love you, dork, PS. Is this why you wanted me to read this one? It is, yes. Oh my, wow, motion Daru. That's, you are already dead, and I believe it's from Fist of the North Star.

Okay. That one, that one, that's fine. That one's fine. That one's not, yeah. Oh my, wow, motion Daru. I'm sorry, everybody. Did you include that so that one of us would say it and then get dunked on on Twitter by people who are like,

ugh, that's actually, you mispronounced the Fist of the North Star quote so badly. And now I'm boycotting the show. I'm Hal Lovelin. I'm Danielle Raffer. I am Michael Eagle. And we are the hosts of Tights and Fights, Maximum Fun's newest podcast dedicated to all things wrestling.

We'll be talking about Sasha Banks, the women's revolution, Sasha Banks, the brand split, and Sasha Banks' wigs. And we'll also be talking about wrestler fashion. Some wrestlers wear too many clothes. Some wrestlers don't wear enough clothes at all. And I'll be doing impressions of all your favorite wrestlers. New episodes, Thursdays on Maximum Fun,

or wherever you get your podcasts. Oh, yeah, dig it. Here's a yahoo that was sent in by Morgan Davy. Keep it wavy, Morgan Davy. It's from y'all who answers users. Sorry, something has gone wrong, but I've got to refresh it. And then it's still wrong. So I'm going to say this is flow from progressive insurance.

If you could speak as soon as you were born, what would you first words be? You've just been born. What are your first words you say? Thanks. And Justin, I know that this is something hot on your mind. Yeah. Is it strange that we haven't discussed the fact that

in like five days or four days? Four days. Sydney are expecting? It's nobody's business. I guess that's... I mean, it's going to be our listeners' business because we're going to have a live show for you next week because Justin's taking some time off.

Yeah, just for the baby stuff. Yeah. New baby coming. New baby coming. Drops this Tuesday. I wanted to do... I wanted to reveal it on Insta, but I guess... All right.

Are you going to do like a name reveal like Kim Kardashian did? It's actually Parami Givens. Yeah, that's very exciting. So what is the... If you speak as soon as you're born and you are able to speak and you've just been born and you pop right out and then what's the... First words.

What if babies could do this? What if babies had nine months to think of like a dope entrance line but then they couldn't speak again for, you know, 18 months or whatever, following sort of the natural order of things? Oh man, wouldn't that suck if you pop and you're like, I'm so happy to boo here. I fuck.

I blew it. Yeah. What if they just popped out and said, I like to do what? Oh my God, Travis, it's the best answer. It's fair. It's a very good answer. Ah, shit.

Before we jump in, I wanted to read a couple of these answers because this is the most disappointing I've ever been in Yahoo, I think. And that's saying something because even when I'm not doing this podcast or interacting with this website, I am experiencing what I would call just sort of a constant low frequency disappointment at Yahoo Answers.

This is the best answer. It was voted best answer. It's from Abby who says, please put me back in. I don't want to come into this world. You can't make me. Oh, wow. That's the best answer.

Two answers down. Jim G, not the best answer. Sorry, I'm late. I hit some traffic in the birth canal. Hey, Mom. Hey, Mom. I like the Hey, Mom at the end. The Hey, Mom's very good

because that makes it seem like the baby is addressing the doctor first. Like, yo, sorry, I'm late. Oh, hey, Mom. It addresses two different audiences. It's a pretty good little joke construction there, Jim G. But it's not the best answer. No. Abby's is.

The best answer is the first one every 90s comedian would think of that. Put me back. It's not. Yeah. It's nothing. What if you, I think, okay, for this, for this example, I would have to think like me now as a baby being born,

because if the baby was just born, sure they could speak English, so they wouldn't know what anything is. So that doesn't work for the joke construction. So I would wait for some good entrance line, right? That I could respond to where like they would say like. That's good. Okay, he's coming.

And I'd pop out and bag. That's what she said. You know, something like that. Okay. So kind of like what up at this? Yeah. That's, I like that. Something where I could respond.

Like pop out and be like, I'll have what she's having. You know, something like that, where I can really respond and nail the timing. Yeah, if your mom is like moaning from labor pains, and then you come out and you're like, I'll have what she's having. Like that would be pretty funny for a baby. That could be funny as fuck, dude.

President Bartlett's first words on the West Wing are, I am the Lord your God, thou shalt worship no other God before me. Would that be a good opening salvo for a baby? That would be very commanding. You would run the room at that point, I think. What if it's three triplets, all trying to deliver their jokes at the same time,

but the crosstalk makes it unbearable. And then it would be kind of like listening to my brother and my brother and me as these babies show up. And they're all like, my wife, I'll have what she's having. I'm the Lord your God. Like, oh guys, oh guys, guys, can we break these up? Can we separate these? Can we do one joke, one joke per joke, please?

Could you do kind of a Joey Gladison thing? Like cut it off. And you're looking at the umbilical cord. Like that, it's that fun. What if you went really topical? Because like, you're only gonna do it once and you popped out and like, did you guys see the late show last night?

And you just made it like really specific, but a good conversation starter too, a good icebreaker. That's good. I know, I think I know what mine would be. First I'm gonna look at the webcam in the nursery, make sure the baby's not asleep. Okay, he's not. I think the seed hits the egg

and then I am, I exist. Wow, I'm taking, hold on, let me think about what I'm saying. Uh-huh. Well, no, listen, life begins at a conception. Hey, listen, one thing we want to establish here on our podcast. Okay, hold on. I was 3903 episode then. It should be clear by now.

The one thing I want is for our podcast to be entered as evidence of the Supreme Court deliberations. Do you want to go ahead and establish here, biblically speaking? Right, you've finally got to the twist. You've finally got to the twist of our podcast. Every 390 fucking episodes, it's the twist, the turn. I'm just saying, I have the thought, I know what I'm gonna say,

and then it's just waiting, the long, dark, damp wait. And it's just like, oh, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready. And then out I come, as soon as the crown is out, I think I'm not even fully delivered. You hear me yelling, my name is Kid Rock. And then I'm like, is Kid Rock still cool? And then the baby magic wears off. I can't talk anymore.

But I didn't know, like, no, Kid Rock, you don't, we don't really, we don't really fuck around with Kid Rock. That would be so dope if you got that far. And then when you were like two and a half or three or however old your first words were, Kid Rock. Like that's like such a long time for the drop to come. But it's so worth it. It's so, well, it's kind of worth it.

It's a little bit worth it. Could you get to, what about, I see you tremble with Antissa and then three years later, patient. That can be very good too. I think that your Tim Curry impression, I think you'd have time to get good at it in there. What a fun, I just love making believe, don't you guys? Just saying, we got these brains for reasons to make up imaginations.

Beautiful. Thank you, Griffin. Thank you, God, for the imagination you gave me. Thank you. What about, I'm the baby, God, I love me. I'm the baby, God, I love me. That's so good. Yeah, that's the one.

I've showed enough videos of baby Sinclair and a Charlie at this point that she's like probably the only three-year-old on planet Earth that's deeply into dinosaurs. Why would you do that? As an experiment, I think. She got a baby Sinclair toy for Christmas that we got off of eBay. It's got to be one of like five left, right? Yeah, definitely.

That's the one toy I tell her to take really good care of because Daddy probably can't find another one of another baby Sinclair. But Justin, baby Sinclair is a character purely based off of being a baby who, A, does not get along well with not the mama, and two, is kind of a monster. Yeah, not a great baby. If you think she has not come to me and say, Daddy, let's play the game where I bang on your head

and then you say if you bang my head one more time, I'm going to throw you across the room and then you throw me across the room. No, sweetie, we're not playing dinosaurs. Is that happening in dinosaurs? That happens in dinosaurs. He throws his child? He throws his child across the room.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been a dad for about 14 months now. That's like kind of day one stuff. Yeah, I'm not saying I'm 100%ing this, but. It's in one of the great clips. I mean, if you if you look at one of the great clips of, oh, OK, yeah, just found it's the first result. Here you go.

We're just going to, this is probably the third time we've sent clips of the hit TV show Dinosaurs to each other. If you want to follow along at home, youtube.com slash watch question mark V equals U4. Or just Google or just search not the one. Or just search not the one. V, capital X, capital Y, capital Q.

And you can see clearly here at the. It's very obvious at the 17 second mark. Baby Sinclair is thrown across the room by daddy. Baby Sinclair is fine. But that does happen in the hit TV show Dinosaurs. Does the baby dinosaur and DJ Jesse Jeff have a run into each other in the air? Like it happened again.

That would be so fresh. And they trade and they trade, but he would be killed, right? DJ Jesse Jeff would not last long in this dinosaur filled world. I don't necessarily think he's got the skills required to not be destroyed by the dinosaurs, powerful jaws. So should we do another question? Absolutely.

Hi brothers, I'm very quiet at work and I haven't been there for long. I'm also much younger than everyone else at only 23. I sometimes think that my coworkers don't know how to take me. In a slow part of the day to day, my adult coworkers out of nowhere started assigning everyone SpongeBob characters based on their personalities.

Jesus, fuck. Oh my God. When they got around to me, one of my coworkers yelled, Krabby Patty and everyone just agreed. I'm so concerned as to what this means because Krabby Patty isn't a character, thank you. It's just a sea hamburger.

Should I quit now? What do I do? And that's from Confused Krabby Patty in Kansas City. That is very confusing. I would not know how to take this information either. Now, is your real name something that rhymes with Krabby Patty, like Stabby Daddy? And then it's the rhyme that is just kind of undeniable.

And maybe the boss's name is Bong Bob. And so he of course got that designation. Bong Bob is a pretty good name. Doesn't rhyme with Sponge, but it's still pretty good. Yeah, but I think it's a slant rhyme. I think it's pretty good. Wouldn't Sponge Rob rhyme better with Sponge Bob? I think I'm gonna stick.

What about Bong Rob? We rented, there used to be a costume shop in town for a theater thing once we rented an unlicensed Sponge Bob square pants costume. And it was listed in the catalog as Sponge Robert. Which I think is like nice, good try. Please, Sponge Robert was my father. I'm Bong Rob. You know, actually, there is no true one Bong Rob.

It's a title passed down from father to son. Yeah, that's why at the end of every season of Sponge Rob Square Pants, he goes through a regeneration and he's voiced by a different actor. The problem is, it does sound like they were dunking on you for being Krabby. The problem is, if you had spun around on them and be like, excuse me, the Krabby Patty is a burger, not even a character. You would have like reinforced. Pretty hard, I think, the Krabby-ness part of the Krabby Patty.

We should probably address the fact that this sounds like an incredibly toxic work environment. That is another thing. Yes, and that's not so much a funny joke as much as it is sort of a unfortunate reality. And not just because, for the obvious, that's definitely a tie. But it also sounds like on some level, these people are uncreative and unfunny and unfunny. Which SpongeBob character is everybody? You can't stop working in a place because the people in it are uncreative and unfunny. Like you will be job hopping for quite a while.

I don't know. Now I'm self employed and work with myself and I love it. I'm self employed and working by myself. And the people I work with are funny about half the time. Yeah. I do not think that that is a good metric. Wait, is that us? Hold on.

No, me. So the self dunk. Oh, I get it. There's three of us. So if we're all funny half the time, this show's always funny. Run the math. This is a, it's actually funny, 150% of the time. I don't know.

Now who's the Krabby Patty? Okay. This sucks, right? This is like a broader question about like, I work in a workplace where people are bullies, I think, a little bit in this very innocuous, like passive aggressive way. But like, that's what it is, right? Like it's very rare that somebody is like pantsing people at the place they work. They just like set up these social hierarchies that not everyone gets the benefit of.

And that's, that's, that's fucking sucks. This is like the office, right? Like if I worked in the office, the office, the office, and I saw Dwight getting all of his things taken and picked on and bullied all the time. Put in, put in Jell-O? Put in Jell-O-Ten. And Jim, can we not, can we all stand up for Dwight for a second and ask Jim to nod? Can you not put Dwight's stapler and some jammy shake, which is of course,

I, the, the British called Jell-O and Jell-O-Tend. And I'm, of course, I only watch the British version. I tell you the most frustrating thing about this poor question asker being called Krabby Patty is they sent a picture of themselves and they are a human size starfish. And it seems to me like it's just, it's just right there. It's just right there. There was already somebody at work named Gatrick and you just can't. This is my friend, Gatrick Bypass.

Would it be even worse if they were named Patrick? And they were like, we're just going to keep calling you Patrick. And then they didn't get to play. They didn't get to play with me. Never play, never play, by the way, people in a work environment or any environment, really, the who would everyone be? Because inevitably in every media property, there's always one jerk or asshole or disliked person. And you're going to come around to be like, and who would that person be?

And it's always mean, always mean. If you do Game of Thrones at your office, you got enough people there, eventually you're going to run out of the humans and somebody's going to have to be a very mean dragon. Or the uncomfortable throne, the, the, when you throw. I'm talking about shitty that chair is. It's a shitty throne. The thing is just like, I'll kill everyone's family and make them do horrible crime.

And I'm going to take over and get that big chair and the power that comes with it. And you sit in that chair after doing all that stuff, you're like, oh man, can I get like a, like a sumo bean bag? Do we have those? Yeah. And the other thing I've learned from, and this is just a side note of Game of Thrones, if someone tries to make you the hand of the king, you're going to die. So just say no, just don't do it.

Just say no, don't do it. No, no, thank you. Can you say I, instead of Krabby Patty, can I be Goliath from Gargoyles, the TV show Gargoyles? And they'll say like, what? And you say like, yeah, either Goliath or Lexington, one of those two from Gargoyles, the TV show Gargoyles, I want to be that one. And they say, but like, that's not really what we're doing. We're doing like a SpongeBob one.

And then you, you know, Roar, maybe you show up the next day dressed up as cosplay from Gargoyles. And it's like, oh yes, it's me, Krabby Patty, I guess. Even though I'm clearly Lexington from the Gargoyles. Obviously Lexington. You know how I'm always perched on top of the cubicles? Yeah, perched on their cubicles and be like, I can be Bronx too if you want. How many other Gargoyles could Griffin name? Is that top of your head?

Wait, hold on. Is that top of your head Griffin? Yeah. I mean, they were all named after burrows and shit. My voice sounds exactly like Jonathan Frakes. Well, he wasn't actually a gargoyle in that show. I don't remember. Somebody didn't watch the deleted scenes.

Oh, he got, he got bit by a gargoyle turned into. On the Blu-ray. Oh, okay. My memory of Gargoyles stopped when they were still back in the past. So you talking about them being in present day New York, I was like, wait, what the fuck? I forgot that. That's the pilot, bud. I know, but I forgot all about that.

And I was like, why would they be named after the burrows in fucking old timey England or whatever? And only now do I remember looking at the Gargoyles TV series Wikipedia that it all took place in New York. Except for fucking Goliath who was just like, I'm still Goliath. I'm still Goliath. Well, at least talking about Goliath Street, which is where all the big strong souvenir shops are. Okay, we need, let's end, let's finish the episode thusly.

Thank you so much for listening to, where did, did Justin go pee in the fiction? We lost Justin. Oh, that's like, oh yeah. What is it in the fiction? Justin has, uh, he's disaparated back to Hogwarts. Yes, he did a Hogwarts spell. No, we lost his thing, but Travis and I are jumping in here for some quick engineering work. Thank you so much for listening and thanks to Maximum Fun for having us on the

network and go to maximumfund.org. Check out all the great podcasts there. Shows like Friendly Fire and the Greatest Generation and the Beef and Dairy Network and Judge John Hodgman and so many more. And if you want to hear the other stuff we do, you've got McElroyshows.com. What else did we lose? What else did we lose in the fire? I think that might be-

I think that's it. Yeah, thank you for listening. Thanks for listening. And then here's the rest. Oh, and thanks to John Rodger and the Long Winters for these four theme songs that set apart throughout the album, putting the days to bed. Okay, now here's the rest of the episode. Thank you to John Rodger and thanks to everybody for listening.

We very much appreciate you. Anything else you need to mention? I do want to say, Moon Tower Comedy Festival coming up in April in Austin, Texas. Schmanners is going to be performing there. I'm pretty sure the 18th, April 18th, you can get tickets bit.ly slash moon tower schmanners. You think you can give me a score me a ticket for that? No problem. Okay.

You want that final? Absolutely. This final was sent in by Merritt Palmer. Thank you, Merritt. Very, very strong contributions. Whoops. Thank you, Merritt. Yahoo Answers user Jimbo asks,

Can this site be downloaded? My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. This is Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother and my brother and me. Kiss your dad. Square on the lips. Maximumfun.org.

Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Following the news is hard and it sucks. How do you know which stories are important? Which sources do you trust in this post-truth world of reactionary journalism? I'm Brett Black. And I'm Travis McElroy.

And we host a podcast called Trends Like These. We cover trending news stories. We debunk misleading clickbait headlines. And we always try to throw in a little bit of good news. In our quest for truth. So join us every week on Maximumfun.org or wherever podcasts are found.