My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 395: Diagnosis: Onions

Episode Date: February 28, 2018

We've got a sleep deprived Justin, a seafaring Travis and a Basketball Camp-trained Griffin for this special, onion-packed episode. We have no energy, y'all. BECOME OUR ENERGY. Suggested talking points: Worf Birth, Still Home Improvementing, Unorthodox Firefighter, Sacred Lunch Time, How to Start Gaming, Tommy's Funeral

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother, me, and advice you for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your miller's brother, Travis McElroy. Should I not? I don't have to do mine. People know who I am and the heat that I bring, but I am this- Just do it, just like bring it down.

I'm a sweet baby, Griffin. I want to talk about I had a kid. What? I want to talk about that. I want to talk about that for a second. Well, but see, I also had an important life event happen. I went on a cruise, and now I want to talk about that. Well, that's funny, because I had one I wanted to talk about. I started going to basketball camp. I don't have anything. I started going to basketball camp. I didn't, though, but that's a lie, but I just wanted to have one. I think I could be the impartial sort of third party here trying to decide of what's going to be the better intro, Justin having another beautiful, beautiful child, or Travis having a second child,

so to speak, that is the boat or the sea. His love of the ocean. This is second child. And let me think about this. Something could serve possibilities. Jokes for Justin's. Very sleepy. We probably got a lot of doo-doo humor, although I will say we could probably get some doo-doo humor out of the boat one, too. This kid is just shitting all the time. Listen, guys. After my time on the boat, I was also shitting all the time. Yeah, and Justin, I'm going to have to stop you, because I haven't made a call yet. I got a way that if we're talking doo-doo humor versus doo-doo humor, it sounds like I've got to figure out which one's going to be the richest vein,

and I'm leaning towards boat. I'm leaning towards boat over child. What I love about that is that I don't have to talk. The onus is removed from me to have a great bit about fatherhood, which honestly, the mind. Here's one that dads won't say. Honey, if you're listening to this in the future, Cooper, daddy's going to brag on you a little bit, and you're probably going to be embarrassed, so skip ahead a few minutes. Are you done listening? Okay, good. What have I done? I've made such a massive error in judgment. I already had a child, so I had that life experience. I don't know why I thought. What was I trying to prove? I don't know who I was trying to prove, Justin. Why did you go back?

Yeah, the box was done ticked. I guess I wanted one in reserve, you know, a burner kid just in case. Jesus. I don't know why I thought I could do this again. I'm an old man. You know, that's so funny you mentioned that, Justin. I felt the same way whenever I'd go back to the buffet and get a second plate of food, and it's like, what am I even doing? On the boat? Yeah, why did I go back? I've already eaten enough food, you know, and then you'll finish like, oh, why did I do that? I love the boat humor. At basketball camp, Dr. Jeremy Dunks, who's the camp counselor, taught us all jumping. I think it's boats. I think it's boats. I think it might be boats. So Captain Travis.

It's actually Commodore. Commodore Travis, how were the high seas? It's actually Commodore, Ronjamin, Jay, Maryweather, Jim, and Privateer. That's that's nothing. I'm just going to call you Captain Trav. The J stands for Josh or Nath. How was the waves and the whales and all the fish? The ship was rocking and rolling. Can I sleep? Like for this part, can I? I did have a long con kind of cook up where I was going to tell my wife like, oh, we got a long sesh today, recording for two hours, trying to get one in the can and then take a nap on the floor of my office. That was kind of one scam I was sort of thinking about. Well, Justin, I'm going to give

you a ticket and it's for 90 seconds of sleepy time and something tells me you're going to use each and every one of them. So you go ahead and do that. And Travis is going to tell me all of his fun boat adventures. Can he guarantee before you give him that permission slip that something funny did happen on the boat? Several funny things happened. Thank you for asking. Okay, now is this just going to be you bragging about how you met all the hot stars? Yes. Well, then I'm not interested in that anymore. No, but it'd be interesting, though, also. Well, no, you're just going to drop a bunch of names. And now I'm wondering if maybe me

and Justin should overrule you and go to basketball camp. Well, let me try this one on for size. And this will give you kind of a taste of my scores. Do I still get the nap with the basketball camp? Yeah, Justin. Okay. The first day, I was having a conversation with Will Wheaton. Okay, see, and you were fucking four seconds in. No, no, no, no, no, no. Well, you made me a promise. On the first day, I was having a conversation with someone.

But I know who it is. You already said someone from Star Trek. Someone from Star Trek and Big Bang Theory and Tabletop on YouTube and Keegan Sundry. And we're just casually on the ground and this person just casually gestures towards the water and goes, there's a whale. And it was very bizarre and not a moment you expect ever having your life just randomly having a conversation. And then like there's a whale and swimming with the whale with some dolphins. And it was fucking magical. And this person turned to this whale and did the Spokane and said, live long and prosper. But I can't say who it is. I can't say who it is.

Cannot say who it was. That's funny. When I was at basketball camp, my bunk mate was wharf. So it sounds like it sounds like we all had our own little sort of great experiences. Yeah, we all had our own fun. There was also a day where we walked into one of the lounge areas. And the crew, having a bit of fun, had made a bunch of towel animals in the area. But it was all the monkeys that hang from coat hangers. And I don't think it was a lovely gesture. I love that they did it. I'm not complaining about that. But I don't know if they were trying to be unsettling, but it definitely was.

Yeah. If Travis was worried that his crew's chat would be alienating to many of our listeners, I'm glad that he has graduated to complaining about the available towel animals. Anyways, the Joko Cruise was great. And Joko Cruise 2019 is already available for booking. So get on that. They might be giants that's going to be there. And I'm not even being paid to plug. And it's not even guaranteed that I'll be on it again next year. I'm just a big fan of it. And it was really great. And you should do it.

Based on the story you're telling of how you yelled at a bunch of whales with someone. We didn't yell at the whales. We gestured towards them. I think I know how Bill Beaton operates. And you two were definitely just yelling obscenities at the whales. Justin, what about the berth? Was worth there? Yes, carve the flesh. Retreat the new child. Fight me. Fight your way out of the woman child.

Get the baby about to laugh. Should we carve his way out? Let's do questions. Yeah. Oh, hell yeah. I got a question. What did I do? Should we mention the fact that Justin is operating on no hours of sleep? And that is why we are getting this sort of fatalistic version. The last one slept. Yeah.

For sure. But now that last one, Justin is old enough to be like, Hey, what's up, everybody? I don't want to sleep anymore. And you also have a new one that doesn't want to sleep. No, the new one is the old one's like very chill and sleeping through the night in her own bed. It's amazing. She's a gift and a treasure. And I didn't appreciate her enough.

This new one just shits and then it yells about it. And when my when my last baby Charlie cried, it was so pitiful. It was like, oh man, I got to do something. When Cooper cries, it sounds like she's praying to an elder God for the strength to kill us. Just like, please give me the strength to smite these idiots. Yeah. So, hell yeah, second kids. Sounds like maybe she's succeeding.

Yes. Well, slowly, not that slowly, but I can we start. Can we start with the third? Can we start with the third question here? Because I can't wait to get to. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's why I put his third because here's the thing. Can I pull back the curtain a little bit here on episode 395 on every week, I pick out six questions knowing we only ever get to three.

I don't know why I continue to do six, but I guarantee if I just dropped three on you two, you'd be like, wait, what? Where's the other? And so like my third question is, oh, that's the club banger that's like. I know, but we need to get Justin hyphy. And I feel like this question is going to be the one that does it. I'm a consummate professional. When we start recording, I'm going to be on. There's no more complaining about now.

We've been recording for the last 10 minutes. Yeah, for a while. Well, then here it comes. Pull up your baseball gloves because I got a hot pitch coming in. Perfect. My husband's name is Tim Allen. Yes, like the actor. Most of the time when we place a pickup order of some kind, we use his name. However, almost every time we go to the store to pick up the item,

the cashier generally says, oh, like the tool man, right? Oh, do you guys get that all the time? Do they do that in 2017, 18? Oh, fuck my life. To which end up responding kindly? Yes. Yes, we do. Is there a better way to respond to these cashiers who always think they're the first one to make the joke about Tim Allen?

How do I tell them to stuff it? I've already heard that one without being overly rude. That's from over it in Ohio. I think the best way is just to say like, wait, who? And make them explain it. Make them explain who Tim Allen is to you. Make them do a bullet point by bullet point plot recap of the entirety of Home Improvement.

What? Wait, what? His neighbor's behind a fence and then different objects. You know, what is the show? Why don't you see his face? I don't understand. What's going on? And then, and then the thing he was building just like explodes and he dies, I assume.

No, he doesn't die, but they keep letting him make things. What? What are you talking about? Tell me more about the Clown Man, Al Borland. I want to dial into the Clown Man. And in the future, when you see them again, ask them for updates. Ask how things are going. Tell me about the new Home Improvement.

Tell me about the new Home Improvement that there is. And then when there is no more new Home Improvement, make them create new Home Improvement. There it is. What do you think they did after the finale? And then just keep going from there. Speculative fan fiction and also my chilies to go. Thank you.

I need both. And maybe your parents should have thought about this before they fucking tried to steal Tim Allen's identity. Thank you, Griffin. Just saying. Any time any time a parent names a child, the same thing as another person in the world, it is identity theft.

And we got a dot. We got to just we got it. Nobody's talking about this in the media. The mainstream media. The lamestream media. OK, so Home Improvement started in 1991, right? It's 2018. So it's very possible.

I mean, the questioner doesn't say how old the husband is, but if it could be, if the husband is what, 20, no, I'm not doing math correctly. How old would this person be? Yeah, 27, right? 67, 69. 69, nice. But if they're 27 or younger, then it's very possible.

Yes, like the tool man is the correct answer to that question. I was named for the tool man. Yes, I was named for the tool man. I was named in honor of the tool man by Godfather. Could you say that? Yes, that's me, Tim Allen from television. It's been a weird few years, but I am Tim Allen now. It's me, Tim Allen from Michigan.

I have been passed on the mantle. I killed the last Tim Allen, and now I am Tim Allen. And I look like him no matter what I do. I wake up every morning looking exactly like him, Tim Allen. Why does Buzz sound so different, Toy Story 4? Oh, you didn't hear. The Tim Allen was murdered. There's a new Tim Allen now.

Now there is a new tool man. His name is Tim Allen. He also hates the Alborland clown. Well, of course we're on the fourth Alborland. It's worth noting. Should we mention that Tim Allen sucks? We haven't really talked about that yet. Well, I feel like we make jokes about people who are stinkers,

and then people are like, hey, did you know that this person's a stinker? And the answer to that is yes. That's why we're punching up at Tim Allen. Yeah, so we can make jokes about him as long as we include a disclaimer that he sucks shit. You always go super hard. I've tried to correct me for a moment.

I'm not saying that Tim Allen sucks or doesn't suck. He does. But don't you feel like Griffin goes kind of like an incommensurate level of hard at Tim Allen whenever Tim Allen comes up? It feels very personal. No, I get that because I think Tim Allen was a, as we all know, a huge hero of Griffin's for a long time.

And then when it was revealed that Tim Allen sucked, I think it really hit Griffin in a pretty hard way. I think for Griffin it is an history person. I mean, you knew me. I was going down the street. I was going to Blockbuster and I would say, let me rent Joe versus the Volcano. Let me get my, yeah, he was in that one, wasn't he?

Or was that Tom Hanks? Yeah, it was Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks for now as far as for now. For now, currently rules. I was talking about Jungle 2 Jungle, the Santa Claus, Santa Claus 1, 2, 3, all of them. And I had my t-shirt that says, Tim Allen does it.

Tim Allen's good. Tim Allen is good. And then he comes out and he calls me Snowflake and said that I personally got his bad show canceled. And I don't know how to respond to that except to go on my podcast and say, well, Tim Allen is not good and in fact, he might suck shit. What if I couch it like that?

Tim, and I'll say this, Tim Allen is not good. He may suck shit. He's in a quantum state. He could be sucking shit or he could not be sucking shit until we observe him. And what I love about that is that is not a very PC thing to say. And so I think the man himself, the tool man,

the former tool man would appreciate it. So. Did you know that the name of the home improvement theme is Iron John's Rock and not just the theme of home improvement? Fuck, Trout, that's pure Michigan. Why did they name the theme? I, and for the life of me, I've been sitting here Googling furiously.

I can't find out if it was called Iron John's Rock and then they used it for home improvement or if someone wrote the theme song to home improvement and said, I'm also going to give it a title. Yeah, well, I've just written my 30 second long mac and mopus. It's a shame no one's ever going to hear it. Who listens to 30 second songs anyway? I have a Yahoo here and this one sent me down a real deep

Ubliette. And so I wanted to invite you guys down in the Ubliette with me. It's, it was sent in by Adrian Cowles and it's Yahoo Answers user Johnny who asked, in a real life situation, can firefighter really pee on a small fire to get it out? And then, because game shows, you can't believe. Wait, I saw this and I was like, what the fuck is this person

talking about? This is, this is nonsense. And then I kept going down the submissions and I found one that was sent in by the delivery man, Seth Carlson. Um, it's from Yahoo Answers user Johnny who asks again, family feud question, name something a firefighter due to put out small fire. That was question.

The answer was pee. How is that possible? So it seems like on the feud, there was this, there was a thing, a category about things firefighters do to put out fires. And that's probably, Steve probably got to, what can a firefighter do to, and then one of the, you know, goblins that goes on that show just screams like piss, piss. Like waiting for, piss, Steve, piss.

Steve, they can piss on it. I want to say piss on TV, Steve, piss. And then he points to the board and it probably said something like wee-wee water. They could fart on it real hard, Steve. Oh, I'm sorry, that would actually make the fire bigger. Has sex with it. The fire?

What is wrong with everyone on this show? Making whoopee. They could make whoopee with the fire, Steve. Let's see, 56%. So it pops up on the board and it says like a sparrow. Pops up on the board. And it says like asparagus juice. Asparagus juice.

And then it shows up there and is the right answer. And I'm wondering if that's based, I never saw backdraft. I never saw fireproof, the Kirk Cameron sort of religious vehicle. And I'm wondering if there's a scene in either, how did this sort of get injected into the public eye, the public consciousness, that if there was a very small fire, when you're a firefighter, you don't just- How small?

Like a match? Yeah. I mean, if you're a firefighter and you see a small fire, I think you know that that can turn into a big fire and that can be a big, dangerous situation. And so you see a small one, you go out to a fancy restaurant and there's a bunch of lit candles all over the place. And you're like, oh, God, not again.

Wee-wee water, does it happen then? Probably not. You're looking at two different, two different questions really, Griffin, because can it, right? So there has to be a window of size of fire where it's too big to stamp out, but small enough that you think a bladder full could accomplish the task. And I do think you could find that window.

But I think the other side of the question is, is there a flap of sorts? Is there some kind of mechanism in the fire person's suit that would even allow for such a thing? Yeah, that's a great question, Travis. Thank you. Thank you, Travis. I hadn't even considered that part of it.

But the answer is yes. There's a little fireproof flap, kind of like how old-timey kids had it on the back of their pajamas. Hey, was that for shitting? Yes, yeah, it was for shitting. What else would that be for, Griffin? Like, cute. Tattooing?

No, like cute. Like, uh-oh, my hyner, they would say, in old-timey terms. So is it possible that this is not the most efficient way? I mean, I can't envision a situation where it's like, oh, no, my extinguisher tank is empty, the hose got all tangled up, and there's a... There's still a small fire remaining. Oh, I know how to do water with my body.

I'll cry on it. And then somebody's like, no, no, no, there's a better way. I think that there's a third question here. If, if, if, do you think that this is a, like, leave your badge and, like, fire racks on my desk, you're a loose cannon, you know, we can't have you on the force. Because of your loose cannon. So get out of here.

But then, like, later in the day, they're in a fire and all of their extinguishers are empty, and they're like, if only they were here and that person then just pees all over everything and saves the day. If only that pervert was still here. Here's the thing. Maybe the firefighters want to piss on the fire, because they, they probably hate this hot stuff so much.

They hate this hot air, which is all fire is. It's air that got too hot and burned it up. And they hate it so much that I think they probably do try as much as they can to put out the fire, except for one last bit. Especially the brave firefighters who go out into, like, the wildfire situations. And, and they've, you know, they finally contain it, and it takes, like, two weeks, and it's a costly, like, horrible,

horrible thing. I think at that point, if I was a firefighter, and I found the last little bit of fire from this big wildfire, I'd be like, all right, mother fucker, time to put you down. And then the, and then, and I'm not making jokes, it's a horrible thing, but, like, I think I would be very, very angry at the fire. And I think I'd want to put it out.

What if the fire was, what if it was so hot, though, Griffin, like, it boiled the pee back up. So it's, like, the fire is fighting. Come on, Travis. No, that's not. So you think it's more of a finishing move. Would it make it better if you took this small little bit of fire that was left, and you put it in the toilet, and then,

and then you put it on it? Yeah. Yeah, I think that would be better. I think that there should be a rule in the fire person code of conduct that's just like, you can do this if you need, if you also need to pee. Like, don't do it just because. Don't do it just a showboat.

How would you do it if you didn't need to pee? Well, it's just stand there and pound a ball of water, like, hold on, and we're getting into the honor system at this point. Yes. But I think, like, this is taboo, but you just squeeze it real hard. This is taboo. This is podcast taboo. They won't, they won't talk about this on, you know, WTF,

or Comedy Bang Bang, but you just squeeze it real hard. I mean, maybe it's like they make all the firefighters go to the bathroom before they, like, the alarm starts, and they're like, OK, everybody go to the bathroom now, because once we get there, there's not going to be a bathroom. Oh, God, Travis, you just gave me a wave of anxiety. My whole life is based around, like, knowing that I'll be able to go to a place and not have to worry about the bathroom there

and, like, timing it out. If I had a job that was like a bell rung, and I had 45 seconds to put on essentially, you know, plate mail armor, and then rush to the place I was going to, if I, and I didn't have a chance to do my thing. Oh, my God, no. This is not the job for me for so many reasons. I bet that happened with, you mentioned plate mail.

I bet there's a lot, like, about half the time after Squire got you all dressed up as a knight, I bet you were like, ah, fuck. Ah, man. Especially while you're jousting, you get, you get hit while you're jousting, and you're like, ah, man. There it goes. I'm sorry, Tam, I'm sorry, Tamerlane, I'm strapped B. How about another question, because we've talked about piss,

we can't do piss again for about 13 more. We talked about poop at the beginning, too, so. Oh, man. Can we do the Tim Allen one again? Oh, wait. Did you just sample Iron John's rock? Yeah, no, I owe it $1,000. Sorry, Iron John.

I owe you a bunch of money now. The person who wrote the song is it named John. I also want to make that very clear. Oh, then what's the point? I have no fucking clue. Why didn't they call it that? Why didn't they call it the Tim the Toolman's tune? The ballad of knowing the tools.

Tooling around. Tooling around would be a great name for a music song. You think it would be a great name for a song. I work in a small office of about 10 people. My boss is always walking around commenting on everyone's lunches. Like, wow, what's that? PB&J? Nice.

Classic. Let me get a closer look at that. Nice. He will swing by your desk if you get subway. It asks you about every ingredient. Like, did you get onions on that thing? Wow, nice. I appreciate how positive he is about it though.

I know this sounds like a minor inconvenience, but it's so awkward and embarrassing and weird. And it's a harsh encroachment of my only 20 minutes I get to myself. Any advice is appreciated, cool brothers. That's from Just Trying to Eat in Manhattan. This is horrible. That's rough. This is so hard to answer because I also on some level

really kind of sympathize with the boss. Because it's like, clearly this boss is not great at small talk. When your small talk includes, did you get onions on that? Nice. Like, you're not, you're bunting right there. That's small talk, bunting. And I get that. I do that all the time.

He didn't have anything to add about onions. He didn't have any great observations about onions. Yeah. You're going to need to start bringing in a little pup tent to work that you crack open. And then that's your little Christopher Robin hidey hole and nobody's allowed to go in there when you're eating your lunch. Don't come in the lunch tent.

You are not allowed in the lunch tent. This is where I do lunch. If that's too big a burden, maybe just cover yourself up with a big blanket while you eat. Or go hide in the bathroom and have a, you know, a sandwich on the toilet or something. Because this is, this is, this fills me with so much dread. Like, this is such a precious time in my life.

And the last thing I need is spectators for The Onion Show. It's so bad. Yeah. It's also a lot of pressure to then have to explain the ingredients you got on your subway sandwich, a thing that you hope never gets out. Like, please don't ask me because like, I don't have a good answer for why I said yes tomatoes.

I just wanted them. Yeah. Sometimes I'll get green peppers and sometimes I won't. Yeah. And I don't want to have to like delve deep into why. It's just like, I think you're not going to get out of the situation unless you hide. And if you don't want to hide during your lunch time,

because it's our God given right, according to the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, then I think you got to limit the number of ingredients in the lunch that you eat. And maybe you just eat one very big apple for lunch every day. And then they will come by still and be like, oh, big, big apple, huh? That's New York. Bye.

Nice. Bye. And then it's like four seconds and then they're back out of your life. Can I offer a slightly more aggressive option? Sure. A big clock on your desk timer that you set to however long your lunch time is. And when your boss comes over to start talking to you,

you stop it, turn and talk to them, engage with them in their talk, and then turn back and start it again. Me talking to you about my precious onions is work. That's work time. That's work time. Are you done? Because I'm on onion time now. I'm on, I will get back to onion time,

but this is work time if we're talking. You're my boss, you're not my friend, Charles. And make the clock say that. You're my boss, not my friend, Charles. I will talk to you about my onions, but it's time theft. Are you any of the thieves? Goodbye, Charles, and click. I think that if your boss is talking to you,

you legally should not, it cannot be counted as your lunch break. Yes. Because like, what else are you breaking from other than the people you work with? Right. Even if your boss was in real life, your best friend, not now. Not now is onion time. I think he says, you get onions on that?

Nice. And you say, no, I didn't. Even though there's onions clearly hanging out the side of it, because you got so many onions. You got so many fucking onions on your sandwich, you can't even contain all the onions. Maybe you just get a two piece of bread and like 80 onions in it. And they're like, oh, onions, huh?

Like whole onions. Whole onions. They say, oh, a bunch of whole onions, huh? Just like Shrek. And you say, no, I didn't. Get the fuck out of here, Charles. Now, we obviously do not support people asking about your sandwich while you're trying to have your lunch break.

That's been made clear. But is there an amount of onions where you have to just accept the people who are going to? It's out of concern and stuff. Oh man, too many onions. Not nice. It's like you give it up your right to not be grilled. About, thank you, about your onions, because there's just so many

that you're inviting it at that point. It would almost be like a little, like you're obviously wanting so much as. It's a cry for help. You're wanting someone to ask you about how many onions you want to slice to onions. Thank you. I think it's you and your cubicle mate, Parson. Parson Brown. And the two of you are eating your big onion sandwiches

and laughing and talking about how great the onions are today. So sweet, so crisp, so bitter, so many. And then your boss comes by and is like, hey, you guys having an onion? And you both turn to Charles at the same time. You're like, Charles, not now. We're talking about our onions. I'll talk to you later when I'm done talking to my friend, Parson,

about the onions. But now you're interrupting and being rude. And then you do that every day. And you're going to get very sick from all the onions. Yeah, but it'll be wormy. Send the onions. It's a good episode. Spec script to the office for writing right now.

Jim's at it again. Jim's at it again. What's with the onions? He's like, I don't know what you're talking about. Dwight just starts crying. He says, these aren't onions. And then he gets onion poisoning and dies. But then he comes back as a ghost and haunts Dwight.

Happy Halloween. And he didn't die because the staff at Chicago Med was there. That's right, crossover episode. And he just keeps looking into his snow globe. Yeah, that one's in it too. Crisis on the internet onions. Then old Dick Van Dyke shows up at the office and he's like,

my diagnosis is murder. You know, it's funny. If he did show up once, it was like, my diagnosis is murder. They would say, well, thank you for that. That's very vindicating. Could you maybe solve a crime now? And then you'll die. Murder.

Yeah, there's a knife. The whole bit. We definitely know the diagnosis of this case is murder. Could you do something to advance the resolution of the murder? And then Viola Davis walks on screen where there's already about 14 characters at this point. It just says, how to get away with onions. And then she leaves all the onions because nobody noticed.

And that is JD and Turk. And they are up to their old truth. You're screvin' onions. I'm having a lot of fun with you boys today. Okay, I guess it's time to go to the money zone. Let's go. I want to tell you all about Blue Apron. Boy, if you like onions, there's one and basically all of them.

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That's not true for me actually. That's not true for Justin. Yeah. So anyway, sheets. Well, if you're out of the time, I spend at sheets, the gas station. And sheets, the sheets, get this probably pretty close. Yeah, just since about two hours sleeping and then 12 hours crying in a sheets bathroom.

Uh-huh. Bowl and branch sheets are crafted with 100% organic cotton. They look great and they feel amazing. I can, I can very much vouch for that. And you buy them direct online so you don't have to pay for like, you know, the retail markups and the, because you pay a lot of like brick and mortar store like operation costs when you buy to store.

When you buy online, you're saving on all of that. And they're so confident that you'll love them, that they offer a 30 day refund guarantee. They have thousands of five-star reviews. They're amazing. So you're good to bowl and branches, B-O-L-L and branch.com today. And you'll get $50 off your first set of sheets plus free shipping in the U.S.

When you use the promo code, my brother, all one word. That's $50 off plus free U.S. shipping right now at bowlandbranch.com, B-O-L-L-A-N-D-B-R-A-N-C-H.com. And use the promo code, my brother, all one word. Check it out. Folks, have you rolled a crit fail on parenting? Oh, God. I get it.

It's a little, this is a little targeted. Worried about robot uprising? Don't worry. We got you covered. Hi, hungry. I'm dad is the podcast where nerdy dads talk about nerdy fads and give advice to everyone in the Twitterverse. Join Jared and Nathan every other Tuesday

as they discuss entertainment and life while relating it all back to how we should raise our kids. And it says join in the conversation by searching Hi, Hungry podcast on all social media platforms and listen on your favorite podcast app. These two daddies sound like they have it all figured out. And I, I don't want to be there with them. I would just, any answers they have, if they have some answers for me.

I'm feeling a little lost right now. I have a personal message here. This one's- How do it, how do it, hey, hi, hungry, I'm dad? How do it sleep? Don't know. Don't know. I got a message here for Jack and it's from dad.

Daddy says to Jack, Jack, this is your father reminding you not to sweat the small things. You're perfect as you are. And I've made your mother and I very proud. I love you more than a bushel, a peck, a barrel, and a heap. I love you enough to kiss you square on the lips. This is the best dad then, huh? This is so sweet.

Way better than Justin. Best dad sounds like best dad, maybe best Jack. And Jack, don't sweat the small stuff. Yeah, don't get small sweaty things, you know? Listen to your dad. Don't let your small things get sweaty. And don't even sweat the big stuff. Now, the medium stuff, you gotta keep a fucking eye.

Keep your head on a swivel for the medium stuff, Jack, because that's where they get you. That's where they get you. It could go from any direction. Mostly the middle. One more. This is for Kelly and it's from Kelly. Whoa, from Kelly to Justin.

Kelly, happy birthday, Kelly. Although Kelly, you know how the brothers macro are, Kelly. And this message is probably being read in June, Kelly. In that case, happy mom-aversary, Kelly. And happy third birthday, McDermott. And if it's any other time of the year, Kelly, well, great job. Now, to be fair, we didn't get that in June, but it does say as close to January 4th as possible.

All right. Yeah, we did about as bad a job. Happy Olympic closing ceremonies, Kelly. You've done it. You did great up there. Could have done better. Could have been worse. Could have been worse.

You did great up there. We're all so proud. You extinguished the Olympic torch with your mind. Which was cool, but no one asked you to do that. Judge John Hodgman ruled in my favor. Judge John Hodgman ruled in my friend's favor. Judge John Hodgman ruled in my favor. I'm Judge John Hodgman.

You're hearing the voices of real litigants, real people, who have submitted disputes to my internet court at the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I hear their cases. I ask them questions. They're good ones. And then I tell them who's right and who's wrong. Thanks to Judge John Hodgman's ruling,

my dad has been forced to retire one of the worst dad jokes of all time. Instead of cutting his own hair with a flow bee, my husband has his hair cut professionally. I have to join a community theater group. And my wife has stopped bringing home wild animals. It's the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Find it every Wednesday at maximumfund.org

or wherever you download podcasts. Thanks, Judge John Hodgman. Here's a Yahoo that was sent in by Nathan Smith. Thank you, Nathan. It's Yahoo Answers user. Sorry, something's gone wrong, but it was sent in by Jason. Jason Jeth, who asks, How do I play a video game?

I never played a video game in my life before. What video game should I get? There was like thousands of video games at the stores with lots of colorful pictures. Also, I think the store person said, I need to have a console. What is that? PS3, PS4, Xbox, Nintendo?

What is that? No, that's the upsell. You don't need a console. You do not need it. You do not need it. That's how they get you. Do you own a Discman? I got good news.

Vis-a-vis Kirby. He's here. You are going to need the adapter, though. Yes, the Kirby adapter. It goes on your mouth. It lets you suck stuff in to turn into a fire or a laser. There's so many games, though, and where do you even start? Never played a game and you want to start being gaming.

Let's start from the basics. It's getting your head in the right place. For me, I think it's important to take a beat and plug in your game into whatever disc player you got, and then you need to take a second and just remember, none of it's real. That is so important. Because you play Kirby and you think,

like, am I going to get stomped by the monsters? Is the big tree going to throw apples at me until I die? That almost never happens. It almost never happens. And you're fighting the big tree and it's yelling at you and throwing the big apples at you. And if you're not a gamer, you might think, I'm going to die when the pink man dies because of all the apples

that got thrown right at me that hit me. And now I'm too scared to continue gaming. And it's really important for me to tell you that most of the games, if you die in them, you won't die in real life, most of them. And I will say this is something that they won't tell you. But you could, if you used to read Nintendo Power, this was like on the last page of every Nintendo Power,

a list of games that you actually, the only way to win is to turn off the game and never play it again. Like you'd be in one of those fights where like, there's no way I can beat this boss. Well, the trick is you turn it off and that kills the boss. Cause the boss only exists while you're playing. Sometimes you gotta move your controller

over to the second port. And that's something that will work in some games. Yeah, I do that with every game now, just to make sure that I'm not being tricked in some way. Another thing to keep in mind is if you have a bad time with the game and say you're playing Kirby's Dream Land, even though it's called Kirby's Dream Land, Kirby didn't make it, Kirby didn't make the game.

He's the star of the game. And so they called it Kirby's Dream Land. I know that's confusing because like, when you go to the movies and you go see like, I want to see George Lucas' Star Wars, you know right there what it says on the tin, who made it. That's not how it works in games sometimes. Sometimes it'll be called like Super Mario's Odyssey.

But it's not, he didn't, Jesus Christ, how are you not getting this? He didn't make it. Someone made it, like one or two people made it. When you get angry at the game, because you died from too many apples, stop writing angry letters to Kirby. He didn't, it's not him.

He didn't do it. He didn't make it. Jack Kirby made it. Jack Kirby made it by himself. Another joke about video games is trade-ins. If you, the problem with getting into video games is if you don't already have video games to trade in towards a brand new video game,

you really, there's no way to get into the systems. Right. You can't get into the system. You're kind of locked out. You could inherit games, and that's pretty much it. Can I ask you, I'm not a professional gamer. I have a question for you two boys. I think you're professional gamers.

I haven't checked in in a while. Is there, did they ever make a matching power glove so you could have two? And so you can really fondle the pong. Yeah, because if I just have the power glove on one hand, doesn't my other hand get cold? Yeah, but that's the game of your life. Just cold hand?

Something also is you're going to start getting frustrated that you can't figure out how to kiss in every video game. Because a lot of games are pretty open with what the kissing button is, the Sims, other ones. But a lot of the time you'll be like, I don't think there's a way to kick. Just keep trying. You'll find out.

You're going to figure it out. Mario is missing as you have to press X and Y at the same time, and then Luigi will. Wait, shit, really? Is Mario missing? Griffin, you can't drop that on me. Yeah. What if I need to talk to him?

Well, that was the last Mario game because he was not, well, he was found, his body was. But while you're playing that one, you're going to want to kiss and you're not going to figure out how to just hit X and Y together. If you get online, online is a great resource for knowledge for so many things. And a lot of times people, online web content users will tell you what buttons to press to do to kiss.

Another thing that if you're just getting into gaming now that I think no one talks about, but I'll tell you right now, you'll find yourself playing Sonic T Hedgehog. And you'll be like, I'm feeling an erotic interest in this, but the game images aren't giving me what I need. There's somewhere where I might find these images. And the answer is no. No.

No, unfortunately, that just no one's gotten into that yet. You're the only one that feels that way. Yeah. And I'm sorry I have to break that to you. Yeah, it's rough. A lot of people go looking for horny Sonic T Hedgehog images after they're done playing Sonic Hedgehog, but there's not, I'm so sorry.

There isn't any. There isn't any and we haven't figured out how to make them yet. So stop asking. So stop asking. Elon Musk was working on it for a while and then he got distracted by space. I think of it. But hopefully he'll get back into it because he was, Elon Musk is really into erotic Sonic T Hedgehog imagery.

Oh, and Travis, you give me that one clean so that when we're taking a court, they have like exactly the sound bite that they need. All right, Justin, just be quiet for a second. Here, I'm going to put in a click right here just so we have it clean. Go ahead and say that thing you just said again, Travis, legally. Elon Musk is very into erotic Sonic the Hedgehog imagery. Okay. I said, okay, a little tight there, but I think we can cut it out.

Yeah, we can cut it out. We'll put it down. So I want to read another question. Well, I just also wanted to say get the Xbox. It plays all the games. Go ahead. I teach seventh grade English language arts at a local middle school. There's been a dead roach on the inside of one of the lights for an entire year.

I haven't moved it because one, I wouldn't know how to put the light cover back on. And two, I never thought anyone would notice. Nobody knows how to put the light cover back on. You have to take it off and that's how you learn. None of us know. Okay. I do like that. This question, that also struck me that the question asking concern wasn't.

I don't want to take the cover off of it. Got it. But then, then what do I do? That is a much worse scenario in their defense. It is much worse to like call facilities and be like, we have got a light fixture on the ground over here. Vandals. And nobody, vandals have unscrewed.

Um, anyway, that all changed when my fifth period class decided to personify the roach as our deceased class pet named Tommy. I played along with it because it seemed like silly, harmless fun. However, my students now have a funeral plan for Tommy the roach on Friday of this week. One student wrote a eulogy and several of them requested that I wear black out of respect. I'm concerned about wasting class time, but I don't want to stifle my students' creativity. Please help. This is Creative Cockroach Conundrum in Texas.

If you wanted to like live in the bit, but also try to get things back on track, so you can learn about, I don't know, which countries are named what. Oh, it's language arts. Okay. Well, that's, yeah, that's the English language name. Sure. You could say that like, since they didn't know the roach when it was alive, they don't really know what sort of like faith background the roach had.

And they don't know, you don't know like what kind of service the roach would have wanted. Like that could be how he wanted to sort of like spend his after days is there in the light fixture without a bunch of Judeo-Christian nonsense, sort of like helping shepherd him across the River Styx. Now you could, if you did want to make it educational, you're going to need a conveyor belt. You're going to need a small toilet. And you're going to have the conveyor belt going into the toilet and you're going to put Tommy on one end of it, Tommy's desiccated corpse and desecrated.

It's been both things. And you put it on there and you let the conveyor belt go. And you say like, oh, the conveyor belt's going. Better tell me what a preposition is. Hurry, hurry, hurry. And get some high pressure. Because the one thing the roach doesn't want for its last rites is to go in a toilet, like some sort of common fish.

Here's the thing, when you're worried about it being educational, I think what you really need to do is look around the room, look every child in the eyes, and decide in your own mind which, like, are any of these kids going to be funeral directors. Because if so, what you're doing is incredibly educational. On the job training, huge. Do you have one particularly spooky student, you know, the type I'm talking about. And I'm not telling you to, you know, put your kids in a box. I'm just saying.

We're also not saying every funeral director is spooky. I'm saying that, absolutely. So you have one student that comes to class in a big top hat, in a big dirty box. Not every funeral director is spooky. That's, some of them just needed some fast cash. People get in binds. In the hot, high stakes world of directing funerals. How do you need a director for a funeral?

It's not a, you know, fucking James Cameron flick. It's like, here's the box, go do the weeping and all. Not for mine, buddy. Mine pyrotechnics. Where do we put the flowers? We better hire somebody to tell us where the flowers. Hey, it's just, my grandpa's up there. Can you tell me, am I supposed to be, am I supposed to do sad?

Yeah. Go ahead and. Hey, if you're in the funeral biz or your family is, and you're about to start tweeting at us, just please only direct those at Griffin. Cause like, I do not need the existential crisis. What I'm trying to just like hang on for dear life. So please just direct those funeral related tweets that did it. Now, funeral director is a good job and people who do it are valuable.

And Tim Allen sucks shit. Let's just do all the disclaimers at the end of the show. M. Night Shyamalan is my favorite funeral director. Cause like, you walk up to the casket and you look at him and go, wait, I'm in there. Twist. Yeah, it's me in there. And he's me and I'm him. Uh-oh.

Twist. There's the twist. Man, students will do fucking anything to get out of reading a book for even like a minute. We can twist this and have fun with it for as long as we want. But this is a lot like when we were doing Spanish class in high school and we knew our teacher really liked Finding Nemo. And so we just swore up and down like, I feel like just watching Finding Nemo with the Spanish subtitles on is the best way for me to absorb this.

So just go ahead and put that one on again. And that's, that's, and that right there is good teaching. I had a teacher named Mr. Sheets in middle school and he was a, he, he taught us algebra. And, um, Mr. Sheets also loved the civil war. He was like a civil war reenactor. So when we would like want to throw things off the rails, we would just ask him a question about the civil war. And I realized in the moment I felt very like smarmy about it.

Like, oh, we got, we got him. But then looking back on it, I realized I learned a lot about the civil war in that class. So he kind of got me. He kind of still did get me. I wonder if there were more classes would be more effective if teachers like use this sort of strategy. Like in, on paper, you're the math teacher, but secretly, you know, it's all about geometry. So you feel like you're pulling one over on him whenever you're hearing about geometry,

geometry, but really that was the plan all along. I mean, it's a failure, I think, of the, of the class. If I go to lit class and I learn about biology, that's cool. But it's not really what I signed up for. It's not the credit that I think I'm going to show up to, you know, lit too in college and be like, all right, time to talk about Dickens and be like, I don't know what that is, but I can tell you what a. Well, the teachers would need a system where all the subjects would still be covered.

The secret subjects would would cover all the bases. It's just one to the left. Yeah, there you go. Thank you. Yes, exactly. Um, is this might be weird, but as long as we're talking about West Virginia teachers, we should mention that all the schools in West Virginia are closed because all the teachers at public schools are on strike because they got fucked by the state legislature.

And you should go support them however you can. It's they're they're trying to get a 5% pay raise instead of the shitty 2% pay raise, which doesn't cover rising costs of insurance, which used to be covered. The the tripling cause of insurance. You're right. It's it's absolutely. There was a state resource to pay for public educators insurance that is no longer funded, which is something that they are also fighting for.

So we're very proud of of them. Like literally every teacher in all 55 counties are are fighting back to try and get these things. And schools have been closed for I think this is the fourth day today of the strike. So I believe so. Technically work stoppage. Technically work stoppage. Yes, I don't know what the difference is. There's a whole there's a whole thing to the whole thing.

Yeah, I figure we should mention that because we made jokes here, but we had good teachers growing up and they deserve to be compensated and taken care of. And Reese Witherspoon tweeted about this work stoppage. I heard. That's what I heard. We got Reese on our side. Reese Witherspoon teaches in West Virginia. No, no, she just we.

Speaking of the end of the show. This is it. You've reached it. We've done it. We've beaten the odds. I've beaten the odds. I guess Travis too. Hey, Travis, do you have like I meant to ask you much earlier.

Do you have like wobbly, wobbly legs? You're just in back to land life. No, wobbly legs so much as I'll just be sitting there and suddenly feel like I'm falling over. Oh, that's the pits. It's great. I'm loving it. It's kind of exciting, I guess. In all seriousness, really wasn't absolutely blast.

I want to say thank you again to Joe Co-Crews for having me and my wife and dad and everybody there. And if you if you are interested in it, do go check out JoeCoCrews.com. They are already selling cabins for 2019. They might be. Giants is going to be on it. It's leaving from, I believe, the East Coast, Florida this year.

Yeah, they're doing the Caribbean this year. What? They're doing the Caribbean next year. Yeah, it's going to be super fine. Go check it out. Also, plugging stuff. Schmanners is going to be performing at Mootman Tower Comedy Festival April 18th. You can get tickets for that at bit.ly-moontower-schmanners-s-h-m-a-n-n-e-r-s.

Where's that at, Scrums? It's in Austin, Texas. Hello there. I want to thank John Roderick in the Long Winters for the use of our theme song instead of partying off the album Putty Today's Tibet. It's a fantastic album and you're just going to love the shit out of it. And I also want to thank Maximum Fun. You can go to maximumfun.org and check out all the great podcasts there

and go download some. Like Switchblade Sisters and Titan Fights and the Beef and Dairy Network and so many more. And if you want to hear other stuff we do, just go to mackleroyshows.com. You can find out where all our podcasts and videos and stuff live. So that's it. Here comes that final. Sent in by Merritt Palmer. Thank you, Merritt.

It's Yahoo Answers user. They're anonymous and for good reason because their perverse question is Where can I find scented candles that smell like new Band-Aids? My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad.

Square on the lips. Maximum Fun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. In a world dominated by dude bro movie podcasts. Only one podcast is brave enough to call bullshit. Who shot ya?

The podcast that dares to say that white dudes opinions aren't the only opinions. If you have a movie pass, like get a ticket to it to support Taraji then go home. Ant-Man seems so unnecessary at this point. Ant-Man is like a ketchup packet too many. Who shot ya? With Ricky Carmona. I wanted to see Wolverine kick ass and eat some popcorn and have a good time. Alonzo Duralde.

Is this Andy Richter? Yeah. And April Wolf. I love wild things because we get to see Kevin Bacon's dick. Who shot ya? Listen every Friday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. You