My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 396: Independence Jumanji 3

Episode Date: March 6, 2018

It's Hollywood's Biggest Night! (Please indulge us. It is still Hollywood's Biggest Night.) We're here with our incisive brand of twisted comedy, cracking wise about all the ... big movies! And all the other stuff. From Hollywood's Biggest Night. Suggested talking points: Some Very Good Oscars Jokes, Heart-Shaped Biscuit, Hero Fire Pig, Blue Cream, The Spinner That Never Stopped Spinning, Travis' Bidet, Sex Nook

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother me, and advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin the Glamour McElroy. I'm your best brother, Travis McElroy. And the nominee for baby brother 30 and 30 media luminaries is Willem Dafoe.

Oh no, they read the wrong name. He's just the nominee, and Griffin McElroy. They only got two this year, and I'm gonna beat his ass. Hey, do you guys remember when they read the wrong name last year? Okay, okay, okay. Anything could happen in the Oscars. And I can't believe they're letting James Kimmel do it a second time after he beefed it so hard on stage. You've ripped a big beaver. Anyway, let's make jokes about Hollywood's biggest night. Okay, sometimes I just call them the grouches. Oh, that's fun. I was gonna do one where it's like, I'm having an Oscar party and you guys

be like, oh, what are you doing? And it's like, well, I'm inviting all my favorites, Oscar from the office, Oscar the Grouch Travis, already fucking sort of trampled Oscar de la Hoyas. Oscar from Odd Couple? Isn't that an Oscar? We can do better than this. We can do better than this. I'm looking forward to seeing a big win for Sorosary Renan from Lady Bird. So the joke there is that you said the name is really very, very bad. We're starting the episode ever. No, no, no, no, no, no, we're not. We're not. We're in Justin's show. This is not part of the episode that relates to people. No, we're pulling it back. We're pulling it back. Okay, okay. Now, Justin, mine was nothing. I can punch it. We can punch it up

because you could be like, pronounce other names wrong. Like, and then the one who gave out the award was Matt to Daman. It's like, do you mean Matt Damon? And then the joke there is that you just can't say names correctly. A lot of times the problem is I isolated my joke too much because it wasn't a joke. It was a half joke. Sometimes on my brother, my brother, me, if we do enough half jokes in sequence, it starts to feel funny, like not funny, haha, but like, boy, these boys are having a good time. Yeah. I guess I should be having a good time too. Yes. It's kind of like guilting. We're just throwing so much out there that eventually you just kind of feel bad for not laughing. So I have two jokes. And I'd like to do them back to back. And the first one is this.

Yeah, I, you know, it's great that three billboards outside having Missouri is up for the big one, the big nomination, but I think it's going to lose to four billboards outside of having Missouri. I thought it was kind of fucked up how they made that, that movie. And they were like, well, we can, we can do you one better. And then sure enough, it has, it has one more billboard. It has Francis McDormand to the sequel to Francis McDormand. And it's better by just about one number, just about all across the board. Hey, Griffin, that one actually got me. That one got you. Okay. So that was very funny. Yeah. Very funny. Jameson, go ahead and put that one on the front. Frontload that one. Okay. Here's my second joke.

Yeah, I saw a shape of water and I don't really get what the buzz is all about, because it's just Guillermo del Toro for an hour and a half, just sort of barreling right down the camera. And he's just like a puddle, a glass, if you pour it into a glass, it's that it looks like that. A bucket, you can do a bucket with it. If it gets real cold, you can make it sort of cube, cube shaped. That's it. And he goes on and he thinks of way funnier stuff. Fuck. Now, Jameson put that one. That was close. That was close. Jameson, when it's Peter and it went starting to Peter out, Jameson, just go ahead and drop that one right at the end. The absence of funny material in the first four and a half minutes

of this program is starting to make me feel a little panicky. It feels like a white on my chest, like it'll never come back. Is it possible that the problem is not us? It's just that the Oscars aren't fucking funny or interesting or anything? Yeah, we did not really think about whether or not it should be an Oscars thing. We just sort of threw that out first thought, best thought, but sometimes it does. First thought, worst thought, which actually sounds better. It rhymes better than the other one. When you get in that state, Justin, you just got to keep digging. You got to keep digging your way out of the way. Just trust there's something in there.

Yeah, so just keep digging. We're getting ahead of it eventually. Jameson's going to make us sound cool and funny and smart. Yeah, so don't you worry about that. Okay, what if we just started our own Oscars? Oh, and now here's the thing about our Oscars. It's not about the movies that came out this year. It's about the movies we watched this year. So like a movie from like the 70s could win best picture because like we just saw it. This is not Jameson. This is nothing. Jameson, you know what to do with this one, right? No, that had legs that could go somewhere. Jameson, Jameson. What movies have you guys watched and that could be?

Yeah, Jameson, I trust you. Jameson, I'm going to give you a mark when to stop cutting. But what if it's really that could have legs? Jameson, wait for the mark. Mark. So are we starting over or what's that? What's our sort of vote currently? What do you think, Jameson? He's crying. Jameson's crying. You made Jameson cry, Justin, way to go. You know he's going through a lot right now. Jameson, you got any funny Oscar jokes? I can't see that on the air. That was actually pretty good. That was actually pretty good. Jameson? He needs to get on the mic. He does need to get on the mic.

Well, Jameson, can you put in the audacity filter and the audio editing that like auto-tunes the jokes to be funnier? It's auto-t-o-o-n-s. Yeah. Oh, and see, that was Jameson's work because that was a pretty good joke. Travis didn't just say that. I didn't say anything. I feel like I can't breathe. It's like, will it ever be good again? This is my career. This is how I put food on the table for my family. What we have is a really steep bell curve, Justin, where the first four episodes were really bad and then it started to improve. And then here at the end, as we round the corner to 400, the last four episodes were going to be really bad. It seems it's getting dark in here.

It feels darker than I remember right now. I would swear it feels darker. It's the same lighting I always had, but it feels darker in here. Well, the walls are closing on Justin. We're going to raise these ceilings. I'm going to lower my chair a bit because the ceilings are getting really low. I'm just going to lower my chair so I'm farther from them. Justin, Justin, my throat is closing up so I'm not going to respond, but I'm not. I'll talk at you. Go ahead and can you do a thing where you lower your chair and then the chair falls over and you do a funny tumble out of it? Yeah, let me try. Hold on. All right, I'm going to try to lower it. That was the quietest fall I've ever heard. My equipment is tuned. Yeah, sure. My equipment

is tuned to only capture my voice. Did you hear the fart, though? No, no, no, that was called the fart. The fart was something, right? People are going to chuckle at that. I think we, I think we got it. Holy shit. It's a defense mechanism. I want a mug. Squad. I want a mug. Squad. Wow. Welcome to the reason you really tune in this podcast within a podcast. Sometimes a podcast in an intro, I guess it's Munch Squad. I want to encourage you to pull into Bojangles three weeks ago for heart-shaped bowberry biscuits and more at Bojangles for V-Day, which meant something else when we won the war. But now Bojangles has reclaimed V-Day

for biscuits. And they looked at the calendar and they saw V-Day coming up a few weeks back. Sorry, I've been on leave. They saw V-Day coming up a few weeks back. I didn't want to miss any of these. And they said, we need something to celebrate Valentine's Day. How about we give people five different things at Valentine's Day? So Bojangles, this is a quote. Bojangles is all about bringing people together for special moments. Is it? Bojangles, Senior Vice President of Marketing Randy Poindexter. No. That's not a person. That's a person on our program, not a character we created for our program, Randy Poindexter. And Bojangles is whenever I go there, he eats a sloppy chicken. I think I wish there were people close to me for this special moment of enjoying the spicy

chicken tits. The quote continues, it's always challenging to come up with creative Valentine's Day gifts and activities, but you can never go wrong by adding our signature Bojangles flavor to your special day. Now, I can think of many ways in which adding Bojangles to your Valentine's Day could go extremely wrong. Deeply wrong. Deeply wrong. What if your lover is allergic to chicken? That's one thing. Your lover doesn't enjoy spice or biscuits. Yeah, your lover doesn't want to eat a wet mess. I think it's great. Randy talks about how hard it is. And then the very next graph, it says enjoy a heart-shaped bowberry biscuit. So like, Randy says it's hard to come up with things, but really, you just make it heart-shaped, huh? That doesn't seem that hard,

seems pretty easy. So it's a famous buttermilk biscuit with bowberries. Uncool to make. Okay, so berries have names. When you look at them on the vine, berries have names, right? Blueberry, blackberry, raspberry. This has got bowberries baked inside. That's capitalized. That's a proper noun. What are you doing? Well, you take a raspberry and you water it exclusively with bowbices sweat. Yeah. Here's the thing. Bowjangles is partnered with Monsanto and they have created a chicken flavored berry. I would fuck that up. You can make your heart-shaped bowberry biscuit. If you guys haven't seen it, it's literally a biscuit with bowberries baked, sorry, bowberries baked into it with icing on

top. And then right after that, literally it says, here's a scoop. Make your heart-shaped bowberry biscuit experience even sweeter by adding a scoop of vanilla ice cream when you get home for a delectable dessert. Now, what he said there is when you get home, this is not a service that Bowjangles is providing to you. This is not an option. Bowjangles is provided you this V-Day. They're saying, when you get home, go to your freezer, get your own ice cream and like, hack our dessert that we made. Hack our thing. This is like when there's recipes on the back of the Ritz box and you look at it and go, and then just eat a whole sleeve dry. Other Bowjangles ideas for Valentine's Day, because they're who you turn to when you need ideas for Valentine's Day,

you can write a love letter. If you go to bowjangles.com for a clash of love, you can create a thoughtful e-card for your family, friends, or that special someone courtesy of Bowjangles. No, don't mind if I do. For your family, friends, or side piece. And you can actually get eight side pieces, which is nice. You can even use this idea to be a community sweetheart by selecting from the pre-populated list of local heroes in your community to send a Valentine's Day message. What the fuck are you talking about? Are you saying that I'm going to send a Valentine from me and Bowjangles to the local firefighter? What is that guys day like? This makes it all worth it. I'm so glad Justin appreciates me enough to send the very best

a JPEG from Bowjangles. I'm glad I put my line up the line every day now. This is so worth it. They don't have any for West Virginia. You can send your Bowjangles card to me, local hero Justin McIlroy, father of two. You can send those my way. So that's how you can celebrate Valentine's Day. Thank you so much to Bowjangles for giving us so many great ways to make this Valentine's Day so special. I'm making one right now. Is the heart anatomical? God no. No, the regular bowberry biscuits look more like anatomical hearts. These are just sort of fun. Oh, it looks like I got an image here. It's just a picture of a heart shaped biscuit and it says you up. So that's kind of a booty biscuit. That's to my firefighters because I need to know

they're up making sure the fires don't get too wild. Hey, this is weird. What do we have here in this second? We're just going to dovetail. We're just going to dovetail right off into firefighter wisdom. Yes. Is this a segment? I feel like maybe this is just a one off never again segment, but we got a response to a question we did last week and I wanted to address it. Okay, well let's address it because we're already talking about firefighters, heroes that battle the blaze as I call them. The firefighter wisdom. Trap, do you have a jingle for firefighter wisdom you want to do? Nope. That one's done. That one's taken. Brothers, my wife is a wildland firefighter and according

to her, there's an unwritten rule that you never pee on the fire or it's ashes. The rationale is that sometimes before officially calling the fire quote unquote out, they have to go around sticking their hands in the ashes to make sure there are no hot spots and no one wants to put their hand in pee. Number twos are even more frowned upon and that's from my wife is way cooler and tougher than I am. Certainly at this, I have a tool that smushes garlic. Certainly we could come up with a tool that could tell us if fires are out, right? But you've got something better. I have a thermometer. Put your hand in the fire. Put your hand in it, Jeffrey.

Because they deserve to piss on this bad hot wind, I feel like. They've earned it. I feel like when you fight the blaze. You could probably come up with a tool that tells you if the fire is hot and if it's been peed in because you need to be like, oh, nice. Whoever did that, super nice. Infrared and Infra-yellow. Maybe like a pee-pee smelling pig, like a pig that you lead around and it's like, nope, not that pile. That still seems pretty like non-technological. At the end of the day, he's been beautifully smoked and ready for your family to enjoy. Jesus. Oh, you don't eat pigs, Griffin? Not the Hampton the Hero fire pig. No way. I would never eat Hampton the Hero fire pig.

A pig this special? You don't eat them all at once. I love this pig. Listen, my family, kids love him except every time they make bathroom, he comes sniffing around like, hey, Hampton, can you be cool for a second? I'm going to send a blueberry biscuit Valentine to Hampton the Hero fire pig. Recently, the Starbucks near me has made their whipped cream blue. I don't know why they did it and it's only this location. But now every drink you order with whipped cream has blue whipped cream. It's a very ugly blue and it still tastes like normal whipped cream. Given that years of social conditioning have taught me that blue foods taste like blue,

I'm incredibly distressed at the sight of this blue whipped cream, which still tastes normal. How can I get my local Starbucks to reverse their horrible whipped cream decisions? So was this from the, didn't I do like a unicorn? Yes. Is that what this is from? It is like a unicorn frappe with like blue and purple shits. But still, that time is behind us now. By like a solid year. By a very large margin, which is troubling because. Large margin.

Jesus Christ. A year is too much time for cream to just hang out. If it's new blue cream, I think you need to report this Starbucks to, I don't know, the police, because you're not allowed to just sort of go your own way when you're a Starbucks. You can't be a Starbucks and be like, Hey, do you want to drip coffee or a cheeseburger? And it's like, wait a minute. Yeah, we do cheeseburgers at this one. I just don't, I understand it can make people uncomfortable to like question a thing. To like question authority, even if that authority is the person that runs the coffee

making at Starbucks, I get that for sure. I think you are completely within your legal rights to say, why is this blue? Explain this to me. Excuse me. I'm a paying customer. Yeah. Why is this blue? Do it again, but normal. Do it again, but normal, please. No, if I'm being honest, I've just spent the last 390, well, now six episodes waiting for someone to say large margin. And so like, I haven't been listening at all, but I'm really going to dial in now.

Wow. I'm excited for this new era of Travis. Yeah. Where I can finally start paying attention. The curse has been lifted. What are we talking about? What do we do on this show? Well, let's try a Yahoo. Travis's first Yahoo. A what? I'm sending Yahoo. It's a website where people go to sort of like, just let it all be what it is. And this is a segment we do on this show?

Yes. Yeah. It originated in our old show, Internet Says the Wildest Things. 2.0. It was actually called www.InternetSaysTheWildestThings 2.0 Uploaded. So it was very early web, I guess is what I'm saying. And we would go to some of our favorite sort of websites and pets.com. And we'd be like, look at this picture we found on pets.com. Ask Jeeves. Yes. We did a segment called, like, let's ask Jeeves.

We'd be like, what's the capital of New Mexico? And then it would tell us and we would just read it. I forget what it was. Anyway, a couple of people sent this one in. Thank you, everybody. It's from Yahoo Answers User, My Chemical Undertale, which is a real heck of a username, who asks. I don't follow.

Yeah, don't worry about it. Rusted fidget spinner? Oh, no. Okay. Okay. So last year, me and my younger cousin were swimming in the pool and I found a blue fidget, metal fidget spinner. It wouldn't spin, or at least it would barely spin. I took it home because my cousin already had a,

which I think is fidget spinner. So I put it with some other stuff and here I am in 2018. It is rusted and I wonder how I can get it to spin again. WD-40? I want to use something that isn't chemicals. Such as kitchen oil. But I do not believe it will work. What do I use? I want a natural, organic GMO-free fidget spinner.

What? What is kitchen oil? Like, you know. When your kitchen starts making a weird groaning noise and so you cover it with oil to help it, you know, just run a little bit smoother. Kitchen oil, Justin, is what happens when you get a little bit of, and no one knows what this is,

but kind of a slimy thing on like your exhaust vent. Sure, okay, yes, yes, yes. Yeah, that's your kitchen. That's just your kitchen's natural oils. It's a sweat, if you will. Yeah, it's the kitchen's sweat. The kitchen's working hard. Yeah.

The very good news for this question asker is that fidget spinners, I don't know if you've been paying attention, they are not hard to come by. If you roll 75 cents down the hall of your local mall, a fidget spinner will fly back to you. There are just fidget spinners all over the place on deep, deep discount. This fidget spinner is special. This was like Lady in the Water presented two question askers.

Oh, it's Excalibur. Yes. This is, oh, I was referencing the M. Night Shyamalan movie, but yes. And so this fidget spinner is special and needs to be revitalized. Who knows what magic powers could be granted by this fidget spinner? You're saying this is a mermaid's treasure that got sucked up a pipe somewhere. And Ariel was like, ah, fuck, where'd it go?

Ah, man. How else would a fidget spinner just end up in a pool, Griffin? Great. Great. Great question. Excuse me. Have you checked it for curses? Because the only other reason that I would get rid of a fidget spinner

and leave it in the pool, I'm going to bury this in the briny deep so it can never hurt anybody ever again. And then they throw it in the pool. And now you've got the first fidget spinner. Mungy three. Mungy three. Curse of the fidget spinner that's cursed. Spin it at a big spinning lion comes out.

Oh, no. Wait. Well, it's OK. He's just spinning there. Oh, OK. What if when you spin it, it never stops spinning? What would you do? Hey, guys.

Hey, guys. What would you do, though? If you spot a fidget spinner and you're like, ah, good spin. God, this one's really going. And then 15 minutes later, you're like, what am I going to do with this? I mean, frankly, I just assume I was being incepted. Oh, god. Inception two that's a fidget spinner.

Just spinning on the table to let you know if you're in a dream or not. I mean, I would use it since I've cracked the problem of perpetual motion. I would use it to generate infinite energy for the earth. Wouldn't you be worried that if you touched it, you would break the spell and you'd die? Or that it would just sort of spin right through my fingers and destroy them because it can't be. Again, it can't be stopped. This is an immovable object.

No, no, don't touch it. Oh, I'm not sure it can be used to power a generator. That was, of course, my first thought to Griffin, but the generator would rely on resistance of some sort. Guess I put it on the back of my boat and make like a cool gas-free motor boat situation out of it. Cool, small, cool, small motor boat. You've got to reduce reuse recycle and you've got to save this fidget spinner. Also, I mean, rehab addict.

This is Flipper, this old fidget spinner with Bob Vila. Love it or list it. Love it or list it. Get on Craigslist. I found this old fidget spinner, couldn't fix it. So I do not love it. Here I am listing it. $50? Is that good?

I do not know. The one thing that's going to save us when the aliens come to take over our planet is they're going to start finding fidget spinners and they're going to have to spend a lot of time piecing that one together. I just don't know. I'm serious, greeble or bloke. No, I've told you. They all have them.

They must be weapons, sir. They must be weapons or something. You spin it and that's it. No. Well, what's the next thing that it? No, there's no next thing. You spin it and that's it. And while they're distracted, I sneak up with them on a shard of glass to stab them.

Stab them right in the back. What happened to all the knives? I was in my cage and I broke out and I'm doing just fine. You're in your last cage. I'm sure the glass will be enough to protect them. Look at their fleshy bodies. Surprise, motherfucker. Shane, what do you do?

Splurge. Earth is defended. And I pick up the fidget spinner and spin it and the credits come out of it. Whoa. That's what it was for. Yeah, it had the credits to the movement. It had the credits in it. The movie had been going on for eight hours and I couldn't end.

Because Gryffindor had released the credits. There had been a whole love bee plot and an inspiring soccer story. And the movie had just gone on forever. A dad learned to respect his son. Just keep looking down at that fidget spinner as a whole. Yes. Independence A3. Also Jumanji 3.

I can do it. It's Independence Jumanji 3. Frizzz, a movie by Griffin McRoy. A docu-drama by Griffin McRoy. Was Griffin the first and only prisoner that the aliens took? They got him. They got the fidget spinner and they got distracted. I tried to lead a revolution with my other prisoners.

They were too shit and shit. I was the only one with that sort of tactical ability needed to break out. My glass cage stabbed these fucking aliens. How did they even capture you in the first place? I was asleep at the cowards. What did you guys think about season three of Black Mirror? Fidget spin is what if aliens? Griffin wrote this one.

This is all they episodes, isn't it? Sucks. Is your first step after that to try to learn how to pilot the alien craft to fight back or to try to activate the comm system to spread the word to your fellow prisoners as to how the aliens can be defeated? I mean the second, but- Choose your own adventure. Just to clarify, because I want to get this right.

Justin, when you say how the aliens can be defeated, you mean by shiving the back, right? I found they're weak while they're distracted by a fidget spinner. That was key to the plan. I would do it all myself. I think once I went into sort of my battle rage, just like- In the words of my generation, up yours, then you fly it right into the mother ship. Hell yeah, dude.

Thank you, Griffin. I miss my brother, Griffin, who died killing all the aliens, but I want you to know that we have made a bronze statue in your honor, and I've renamed both my children, Griffin, and a lot of people on earth did that too. It's going to get confusing, but we're also proud of you down there. And yes, the bronze statue has a fidget spinner. That never stops.

Never stops. It's an eternal spinner. Maybe I just got so wild, just killing these two aliens that I didn't even pay attention and have time to get off the ship before it exploded. Ah, damn it. And then there's a lesson in there about violence. And then there's like another alien behind Griffin, and they stab him with glass because they learned. Oh, violence.

Violence is the way of this planet. My people had never even thought about violence before than Griffin has introduced this idea. Yeah, and then that alien goes and looks at his two comrades, and is sad about their being dead. And then he sees the fidget spinner and leans over and picks it up, and he's like, what is this thing? And then I'm like, not today, and I one more time get them.

And then smash cut because I died, and it's Liv Tyler at my funeral. Oh, I love this. This is huge. Look out behind you, Liv Tyler. No, she's fine. No, she turns around. She catches the glass, and she says, this is for Griffin. And then, yeah, oh man, this is good.

And she pushes the alien backward, and her, let's say she's got like a monkey partner, and he's crashed down behind her, or behind the alien. The alien falls backwards. I'm so glad you got back to Garbanzo, the monkey partner Travis, because. Liv Tyler's like, that's it. I'm getting too over this shit. I retire.

And then Griffin Jr., who had been there the whole time, it is a fully grown man, said. Dr. Griffin's twin brother named Griffin Jr. Yes. I'm going to take up the mantle for now on mom, which is his cute nickname for Liv Tyler, his sister-in-law. And Griffin Jr. decides he's going to finish the fight that his dad couldn't. His dad brother.

His dad brother. His dad brother. Dad was his nickname for his brother. And but that's good news. Griffin is not really dead. They just, his spirit's in the void. So they got to go into the void. Save something for Jumanji Independence 4.

Don't worry, you end up in the body of Garbanzo. I love this. And when I look into a mirror, it's just me in a big diaper, but everybody else sees Garbanzo. Everybody else just sees Garbanzo, but I see myself as just me in a big diaper, holding two big shards of glass, ready for any alien fucks that want to try to fuck with my fucking planet.

You guessed it, everybody. He is pregnant and the baby is voice-finding a veto. Whoa, what a get. Yeah. Did we jump the shark a little bit? Because I think we had a good movie in there somewhere, but then there were like, there was like a fourth act and then a fifth act and then the sixth act.

He'll, he'll edit it down. Yeah, it's fine. Do you got Jameson? Jameson, if you could just edit it down. Jameson, he doesn't forget your fucking name, dude. Yeah, a little bit. A little bit, but he'll edit his name back in, which is perfect. Oh, are you talking about Jameson?

That's right, Griffin. Jameson. Let's go to the Money Time. Thank you, Christ. I want to tell you about Casper Mattresses. Okay. Thank you. Casper Mattress, it's the best mattress I have ever slept upon.

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Yeah, it's really sick. I'm looking at their catalog now. And they do have my hero, my hero glass shard from Adventure Jumanji 3. A lot of stuff on here is pretty high touch. This just looks like they maybe just like shattered a glass top table and put some dip in it, alien blood. They got a lot of great stuff on here. They have a wooden replica of Rowan Atkinson's wallet from Johnny English,

was not a big prop in the movie, but they do have that. And it looks exactly like it. It looks great. I think it's wild. They have a wooden, the tuxedo from Jackie Chan's The Tuxedo. And that one looks really good. You got an obscure action comedy in here that you want to reference a prop from? No.

They have one of the sticks that the rock used in the rundown before he was allowed to use guns, but none of the guns, which I appreciate. Travis, you want to read this next jumbo, Tron? Yeah, I do. Okay, this is for Daniel, Cat, Cheyenne, Bond. And it's from Jacob, dear my fantastic friend Cheyenne, Cat, Daniel, and Bond. I'm so happy we've been able to D&D together. It's really made me the happiest I've ever been.

I love you all very much. And hopefully, Tala, Kariah, Myla, and Chev are still well by the time this is read. Special shout out to our amazing Daniel. The world you made has made this possible. That might have been DM. The world you made has made this possible. This sounds like a pretty good group. And definitely like two of them have been dissolved by like a dragon's acid.

All the first season of Adventures in All I Want to Do is dissolve you in dragon's acid. Hit you with a dragon's curse. Well, when we do the special edition re-release, you can edit that in. Episode one, man, dragon's gonna curse you with his magic acid. Y'all are fucked. Here's a message for Luke and Laura, and it's from Jack Mack and Bug, who say, Happy late birthday, Luke and Laura. We've hijacked these sweet macaroy gobs to let you know how much we love you.

You guys married some incredible people and we're so proud. We look up to you. The way you pursue what matters to you, how deeply you care for your loved ones. Keep working hard in life and searching for peanut butter fingerprints. Oh man. What's the peanut butter crime? They're trying to solve with these PB fingerprints. Well, it was committed by a guy named Steve Peanut Butter.

Travis, what does that even mean? Well, they're looking for peanut butter's fingerprints. So you just willed into existence, and Justin's just gone now, but you just willed into existence. Yeah, I don't have anything to add to this. A guy named Steve Peanut Butter for the purpose of this joke. You've added to them a big damn canon. You're hoping that Steve Peanut Butter's gonna be like the next YouTube animatic.

Would it be better if it was like P initial, P not butter? No, don't walk it back. It's Steve Peanut Butter, and I want you to tell us more about Steve Peanut Butter, and this isn't the animatic now. He stole the bread and got himself in a jam. Christ, Jesus God, in heaven on the high mountain, looking down on us all. Do you wish you made that joke? Are you jelly?

The podcast is canceled. Oh no. The podcast is now canceled. Hi, I'm Ben. And I'm Adam. And we host The Greatest Generation, and we're here to announce a new show. The Greatest Discovery is Maximum Fun's new podcast about the new Star Trek series, Star Trek Discovery.

We're gonna be recapping every single episode. It's gonna be a limited run podcast, and we hope you'll join us. It's a show that we're really excited to watch, and we're really excited to talk about it, and provide our signature f***ing fart joke coverage of a new entry in the Star Trek franchise. So if you like irreverence, adult humor, irreverence again, and Star Trek, we really hope you'll join us on Tuesdays on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcast to The Greatest Discovery. Oh, they made us edit f*** out of the last promo that we submitted, so.

You should keep that part in the promo. The toilet paper in my office's bathroom is basically printer paper. Is it? I want to talk to you about your use of office supplies. Is it collated printer paper with the dot matrix holes on the side? I want to start bringing my own to work, but I'm worried about being caught carrying my own TP to and from the bathroom, and having to explain to my co-workers about my sensitive butt. Any ideas for how to do this covertly, and that's from Lacerated on Long Island?

Christ, no. Costume party, you're a mummy. Every day. And as the day goes on, you're less and less of a mummy, and people track sort of how your digestive system's doing, based on how much mummy you are by five o'clock. Uh-oh, half mummy, huh? Rough day, huh? Buffalo wings, huh?

If you do this right, you really only gotta sneak it in there once, and then you kind of heavy weights squirrel it away in the wall. Maybe you have a poster. Acoustic tile in the ceiling, perhaps? Yeah, you have a poster of the poster from Shawshank. Jameson, Jameson, Jameson, anything, Jameson. It's Rita Hayworth, right? That's one of them.

But I also think Cars 3 was in there. Yeah, he had a poster. He tore down the Rita Hayworth poster, there was nothing behind it, it was just regular wall, and they were like, okay, well it's probably not behind the Cars 3 one. Andy knew, Andy Dufresne knew that someday there would be a popular animated franchise based on Cars, and they knew there would be at least three of them. So Andy, on a spare time, used to create his own Cars related posters and merchandise. Every time he got a sharp object and some soap, he'd start carving new figures based

on this animated franchise he was sure would someday exist. What is that piece of soap called? Well, that's not soap, that's Lightning McQueen, he would say. This is his buddy tomato. This is his buddy tomato. There will also be a man named Larry the Cable Person. He had another poster for Plains, but he only ever made one. He said it with a twinkle in his eye, and he loved a good pun.

You're worried about like, you're being made fun of, I would more worry that like, you're going to go to the trouble bringing in your own TP and everyone's going to covet, set TP and steal it from you. Yeah, you're going to have to lock that drawer. The TP, your special TP, well you got to build the TP drawer and then you have to lock it with your special code. You could offer to take a pay cut and then they would know you're like really serious about how bad the toilet paper is.

Like listen, seriously, pay me 3% less and buy better toilet paper. If it works, you'll be an office hero. Everyone will appreciate your sacrifice. Can you not just strike or march or something? This is not tenable and everybody has to know unless you're working with a bunch of like iron-clad asshole having like, you know what I mean, like some real sort of callous sitters. If West Virginia teachers can strike for something as silly as being able to afford their own health care, certainly you can strike.

It's to have some high quality TP. Can you not go to another office building to do your twosies? You mean quit? Get a new job? So I see here you worked your job at Idris Quint. What was your reason for leaving? My butthole. What attracts you to this job?

Do you have skills in customer service? No, it's just you got that quilted stuff and it's been kissed with lotion and I need to know. I just got to know. I need some time to recuperate and I am going to go back to my old job once I've sort of recovered. It's the problem with me using continental ultra-comfort care at home exclusively. Everything that I use in the outside world because nobody's springing. Love that stuff. Barely there TP.

Nobody is springing for that kind of stuff. Justin, you have ruined my bathroom experience anywhere but my own office. Justin got me a bidet for Christmas. Have we not talked about this on the show? Yeah, I'm loving it. Yeah, cancel the rest of the show. We're looking for the perfect Christmas gift and I was like, I looked at Sydney. I was like, Sydney, I did it.

I found the gift of the year. The one gift that will be most treasured and prized above all others. And she did not trust me in the moment. But I knew when I handed my brother Travis his own bidet. His own but super so. How's it been, Travis? It's been amazing. First off, let's talk about insulation.

How did that go? It was a little tricky because I had to find a plug to plug it in because it's just the seat. I didn't replace the whole toilet, mind you. It was just a seat swap. But Justin, it's been amazing and life-changing. And now when I go out into the world and I use any restroom but my own, I think, oh my god, how did I live like this before Poseidon took care of my downstairs for me? Is it sustained action or do you like lean on a button and just it continues to spray?

Or you press a button and it blasts you? I press the button and the bidet is like, you got it, chief. And it just takes care of business. It has its whole routine? Yeah. Do you have a number of usages of the bidet in sequence before you are beginning to worry that it has become sexual? Let's explore, okay.

Well, I do want to explore bidet because is that the Bojangles bidet? It's actually Tom Bojangles bidet, yeah. Okay. Travis, please stop hiding you fucking coward from the sexual bidet question. Well, I do like because you can't see while it's happening. You try to lift up, it's going to go everywhere in the room. Maybe you can't.

I took a bunch of yoga in college. Okay. And so if I can position myself so I get it on the first try, let's say, you know what I mean, without any repositioning, I just feel like- A 360 no scope. We're doing it together, taking care of business. It's the weirdest buddy cop movie I've ever been a part of, but I really enjoy it. Listen, I'm a big fan.

It's got lots of options. I can heat the seat and the water. Oh, yeah. Highly recommend. Highly recommend. It's a luxury I never knew I needed and now I simply cannot live without. Gotta heat the water. I gotta tell you folks, it's surprisingly affordable.

You just legally can't buy one for yourself. Yes. You understand. Y'all want a yahoo? Yeah, absolutely. You kidding me? This one is sent in by Morgan Davy. Keep it wavy, Morgan Davy.

It's an anonymous yahoo answers user, but I'll call them. Robert asks, when people say great Scott, who is the Scott they are referring to? Scott Bakula. It might be Scott Bakula, but let's come back to that. It's Sir Walter Scott. Did you Google that, Justin? I just Googled it. I mean, there's an answer to this question.

Oh, well, okay. Well, no jokes required. Let's do a different yahoo. No, Justin's got a good point. I got it covered. If there's an answer to it, there can't be jokes. So let's just do a different one, I think. Well, we'll just look like, here's the thing.

Here's what I'm trying to say of us. I'm trying to say of us a thousand tweets from people who will check Wikipedia. Good, good. And they will say it is about Sir Walter Scott or possibly Winifred Scott, a U.S. general. Okay. But maybe it's about whatever Scott you want. Maybe for me, it's Willard Scott, Justin. You don't know.

You can't tell me who my great Scott is. No, no, no, no. There's a right answer for it. So let's just take the rest of the bit. I had to hold, let me take this big stack of Scott Stapp jokes I had. And let me just, I'm going to go flush these down the toilet one page at a time. So I'll be right back. Now, when you say jokes, does it mainly boil down to just saying maybe it's Scott Stapp from Creed?

That might be sort of how I got into the bit, but you know how our twisted comedy works. We go to other places. So just wait, I'm going to go flush these down the toilet one by one. And you guys go ahead and talk about whatever. And I'll be back in like 28 minutes or so, 30 minutes. How about you instead you read another Yahoo and then flush them afterwards? Okay, sure. Just real quick, though, if there is a correct answer to this one, are you going to sort of,

because I have some jokes ready for this one. Yes, yeah, I will continue. If there's a correct answer, I will always say it because I don't want to get the tweets. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Do you guys like that character?

I do. I like that a lot. Is Tony Clifton? It's just like, okay. Okay. This is sent by Nate Smith. Thank you, Nate. Boy, the wind's really out of my sails.

Yeah, Griffin, can I just say just like, and we can cut this if we need you. I felt like you were really building up a lot of momentum. I can see where you're going with that question. Oh, dude, he's on fire. I had the heat. You had it. You were there. I was like, oh yeah.

Griffin wouldn't have read this question unless he was going somewhere with it. But hey, Justin came in and he won the segment. And he did. He, as we've always done, answered the actual answer to the question. It's nothing funny. Yep. Listen, no bells and whistles here on my brother and my brother in me. Justin saw an opportunity to take match points.

And Travis and I are just salty here because we lost. We lost. That's what it is. You know what? It's not about, it's not about was it funny. That's not what our show is. I know this isn't normally like a trivia show, but if there is an answer to it. Yeah, sure.

Yeah, absolutely. This has always been the sky blue. It's a form of the factual show, Justin. You are absolutely correct. Thank you. Nate Smith sent this one. I thank you, Nate. It's by Yahoo Answers.

He's your Angelina J. What's two plus two? Yeah. There's a rich vein there. How to build a cozy nook for having sex. My bed is too squeaky. So I want to build a nook with pillow squeak. I want to build a nook with pillows, blankets, any ideas?

Any ideas of websites that sell a lot of cozy satin stuff? Just a sex nook. A nook for sex with maybe like a nice bay window. Eventually you will have too many pillows and it will no longer be a sex nook. It'll be like a fun, just sort of squished corner. Because you're not going to be able to get the proper, you know, moves. I was about to Google property brother sex nook, and then I became really worried about what would be returned from those particular search terms.

You don't need that fanfiction in your life. I do not. Delete, delete, delete. Backspace, backspace, backspace. Blast the cash. You hear me typing? I ain't afraid. Oh no, Griffin.

I'm afraid. If you want a cozy nook. Uh-huh. For making a nook key. Ooh. What's the secret? Because I do think you could repurpose a breakfast nook for this very purpose. Nobody's using the breakfast nook.

Nobody uses the breakfast nook. Let's put the tiger on the table. Nobody's using breakfast nook. Basically nobody's using dining room. You eat your meals at the, you know, on the couch while watching Shark Tank. That's- We don't have a, we're not going to have a dining room. No need.

I don't have a dining room. Don't need a dining room. No. We're a Shark Tank family. I have my meals with Mark. Me and Kevin are having some Brussels sprouts and pork chops tonight. Do you think when Shark Tank was being developed, do you think that Mark Cuban was like when we just call it Mark Tank?

And everybody else was like, but I want my name in it too. And then for a while it was called like Mark Tank featuring Kevin. And he wasn't on until a few seasons in, so probably not. It might have been, he might have petitioned it when he joined to change it to Mark Tank. Yeah. In the first 10 episodes, he just tried to sneak it in there. Like what I love here about Mark Tank and people are like, what? Do you say Mark Tank? You know what? I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you what. I'm going to flip a coin. Heads, you change it to Mark Tank. Tails, I changed my name to Shark Cubes. You take your breakfast nook and you put a bunch of pillows in it. And that's where you make your dirty. Well, and then also maybe put a cure again there. So you do want to keep some other features of the breakfast nook.

Mom, you're saying like, here's the thing. No room, like you wouldn't go into a bedroom and there's just a bed in it. You wouldn't go into an office and there's just a desk. That's a poor use of space. So yes, you can make a sex nook, but like maybe also put like some art in there and like maybe a little shelf with some books on it. So then it can be your sex nook or your book nook. Don't just like make it one nook.

That's no, that's a waste of nook. What other sort of stuff do you need? Because you list pillows and blankets, but like you probably need some other stuff if you really want to blast off. Maybe just some various like like bars for like grabbing and so you can get torque, you know? Yeah, dude. Just different handholds, you know?

For torque. Maybe like rock climber handholds like on the wall. And then people will be like, what is this? And be like, it's my climbing wall and if I fall down, I got all these pillows and sexual magazines to catch me. You probably. I'm not talking about nudie rags either. I'm talking about like stuff with tips in it.

You're probably going to need a pull chain that activates a sort of Rube Goldbergian system that dumps Gatorade on you after you finish. Yeah. Or while you vent during the finish. That's up to you. That's a magic. Maybe a magic eye poster. A magic eye poster.

To help you last longer. You're like, I'm looking for the boat, so I can't find it. Boat, so I can't focus on the great feelings of this encounter. I found the boat. I'm so sorry. I found it really fast. I'm so sorry. I really miss extreme restraints.

I do too. Follow him on Twitter. It's a fun kind of surprise as you're scrolling through your Twitter feed. And you're just like, oh man, a lot of bad news. Oh, dildo. Y'all get at us. Let's work this out. Come on, bring back to us.

Let's work this out. Is that an episode? How long are we going to go on? That feels like an episode to me, Justin McRoy. Oh yeah, we're good, baby. We're golden. Justin, how do you feel? Because I know you were worried at the beginning.

Do you think we ever got into it? I think that if you look back on this episode, you will remember the good. And the bad is already in the rear view, you know? Time will melt away the bad and only the classic animatics will remain. When we got Peter Peanut Butter, it was so good. That was a gift Travis gave me and Justin. You're all welcome. What would be great is if we could close this out with some good Oscar jokes?

Because then it kind of brings it up. Because then you know we were sitting on some the whole time. Then it was all very deliberate. Yeah, yeah. So it'd be like, I saw the post and it was like, well, you got the one post. When are you going to finish building the fence? What are the other words? I know the shape of water.

It's all gushy and everywhere unless you put it in a tank or something. And that's good to have that one in case they do cut out my literally identical joke from the beginning. Well, let me try one. It's a shame that three billboards is going to get beat by four billboards. You two, get out of town. Any other movies? No, that's it. No, there's a bunch of nominees.

There are? I saw I saw I saw call me by your name. I had a peachy time. There's that. So is that was that a joke or? There's a scene where this is sexual peach. Dunkirk is actually based on the series finale of growing pains because they looked at them and they were like, we're done, Kirk.

Oh, fuck, dude. Fuck, yeah. Phantom, Phantom Thread. Hell, yeah. Kojima finally getting his due. Yeah, dude. Fuck, yes. OK, one more.

Finish it out strong. Finish it out. Justin, darkest hour. Go. Darkest hour. That's the hour before the Oscars are on because I'll be really sad until it starts. Fuck, yeah. I, I, Tanya, I, I excited.

I caramba. Thank you to the Maximum Fun Network is having us as part of their extended podcasting family. Unfortunately, that relationship is now over because they did listen to this episode and they said not feeling any more. I don't think I don't see why they would necessarily do that. I think that they would probably want to support us, even in our darkest hour. What do we found it? We got there.

He did it. He did it. Griffin, please thank John Roderick. John, thanks, bud, for the use of our theme song instead of partying off the album, putting the days to bed. And if you like the stuff we did here today, go to macroryshows.com. You can find a lot more stuff like it. Oh, a couple of things.

One, Shmanners, the show that my wife and I do, is going to be at Moon Tower Comedy Festival, April 18th in Austin, Texas. You can get tickets at bit.ly slash moon tower shmanners, s-h-m-a-n-n-e-r-s. Also, we have got a new merch store. It's going to be up soon. Yeah, I think that's either going to be at the end of this week or beginning of next week, but it's coming soon. Whole bunch of new stuff.

When it works, it will be at macrorymerch.com when it is up and running. It's going to be so much new stuff. I'm so excited for y'all to see it. Um, let's finish it. This was sent in by Nate Smith. It's the final y'all who have the show. Thank you, Nate. It's the y'all who answers user Pete who asks.

How do I cure my Randy Quaid phobia? My name is Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. It's been my brother, my brother and me. Kiss your dad. Square on the lips. Maximumfun.org

Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Going into a bullseye interview, I know it's somebody who does amazing work, but it's an actual conversation. I don't know where it's headed. The absolutely, you're absolutely right. You said it actually better than I did,

so I have to think about what that means. Hey, this is the straight talk that you're going to get on this show. Bullseye, creators you know, creators you need to know. Find it at Maximumfun.org or wherever you get podcasts.