My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 397: Burnt Reynolds

Episode Date: March 12, 2018

Travis floats a new segment this week that DEFINITELY will not earn us a Cease and Desist from John Quinones and the ABC News Corporation. Also: Some new live show announcements! Tickets go on sale this week! Suggested talking points: What Would You Even Do?, Live Shows!, Cat Technical College, A New Dictionary, Sky Hiking, The Stinkfeet Man, Weed Delivery Driver

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother, and me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. And I'm the sweet baby brother in 30 Under 30, media luminary Griffin McElroy. It just is in my heart right now. I just feel great. Yeah, just so happy to be here recording

the show with you, my brothers, and that song, Gooby 40's cover of Red, Red Wine, is what is in my heart. Do you want to know what's in mine? Here's what's in mine inexplicably. No, that you're gone. I just want to be with you. Enrique Glacius. No idea why. Woke up this morning, there it was. Griffin, don't overthink it, Griffin. Open up your heart and let a song out. Probably a YouTube's Vertigo, the introduction to it, where he's like, oh, dude, 12, 14. That one gets me psyched out of my fucking mind. And I don't get me wrong. I hate the rest of the song

and the rest of the band's music. How great would it be if that intro was eight minutes long and him just like, itchy. Yeah. Seven. Green. Yeah, here's some more of my favorite words. Fano, that's my name. His name's the edge over there. That's Larry. I'd like to introduce you to my band. You know us. We're the Beatles. And of course, the final member, you two. You are a special thanks to you, too. We couldn't have done it without you. That's why the band's called that. So we weren't hearing. Do you think Larry did have a moment where he's like, know what, you go and call yourself? Okay. Bono. And you are the edge. Okay. And I'm going to be lightning man. Well, actually, you can't be the lightning man. You're actually going to be Larry

is actually, and you are Adam. We're Larry and Adam. The thing, Justin, is actually Larry's legal Christian name is Inferno lightning. And he does by Larry. So he had to change it. Inferno plays lightning, but he's like the edge. Just call me Larry. Um, Adam and Larry ever broke off into their own band, Adam and Larry. Us two. They would sound like. It would be called us two, please. They would call themselves Adam and Larry. And it would sound like two Christian comedians that go church to church, doing wholesome routines. I mean, that's basically what basically what you two's uvra is. It's not like, it's not like Travis had a good intro. I'm excited. I'm sorry. Sorry. Yeah. We're hearing episode 400.

And so I wanted to inject a new segment to kind of bring new life. And I was thinking about this last night as I was trying to fall asleep. Just really, I was really worried about daily saving. So I'm, you know, it's keeping me up for the time fee for the farmers to come and take away the hour they gave us back in fall. So I've titled this segment. What do you think you would do if I've come up with some hypothetical scenarios? I got four here. I don't want to pitch you guys. So this is, this is like an audio sort of theater of the mind, John Kignone, experiment. Yeah, sort of like that. So Justin Griffin, what do you think you would do if you saw a bear? Yeah. And then the bear kind of like padded the seat next to him and just kind of like

stared up at the stars. Is it sexual? The padding? No, it's more just kind of, well, it's an open ended invitation. I don't want to limit where the scenario will go because that's kind of up to you, but it's just, it's just an invitation. I mean, I can't, I'm in a place in my life right now where I can't just go around kissing bears in the forest, weird strange bears in the forest. I'm married, you know, I got a kid, I got responsibilities, I got fidelities. And I'm worried about what this sort of atmosphere would create the bear's breath hot on my face, rich with honey. So I would say, but boy, I do love stargazing. I think I would have to create a sort of platonic atmosphere with the bear in a way it doesn't make the bear feel threatened like it needs to attack

me. Excellent. Justin? I want my own. Okay. Griffin already did that. So Justin, what would you do? What do you think you would do if Bert Reynolds came to you and said that he needed your help because he had loaned a friend his DVD copy of Meet the Parents and then the friend said that he didn't have it, but Bert Reynolds had seen it on his friend's Entertainment Center. Did you say Bert? Did you say Burnt Reynolds, which is my favorite crayon color? Yes. Okay. That's actually Bert Reynolds' full name is Burnt Reynolds and he shortened it. It is silent. So Travis, you didn't finish your anecdote. So, Burnt Reynolds. Burnt Reynolds, he learned his friend, his DVD copy of Meet the Parents. Now, he does also have a Blu-ray copy, so it's not pressing, but he loaned

his DVD copy of Meet the Parents to his friend and then when he asked for it back, friends said he didn't have it, but Burnt Reynolds had seen it on his friend's Entertainment Center the week before. The DVDs got better special features too. It was like Agri, El Easter Egg. Okay. So is the person who he loaned the DVD to, is he part of the Hollywood Glitterati? Do I know the friend? No, it's just his friend Doug. Doug Reynolds? No. That wouldn't make any sense. That would, there would be no reason for what I said. No. It's actually, it's actually Dung Reynolds. Dung Reynolds. Okay. So, so Bert asked me to get, okay, do I have any sort of relationship with Dung? Let's say you maybe live on the same block, but you haven't like spent a lot of time

together, but you've seen each other at the local swap meets. Okay. So what I would do is this friendship with, I'm not the sort of person who when they make a celebrity friend sort of milks it for all its worth. So I am really going to try to foster a better friendship between me and Burnt, and what I'm going to do is I'm going to buy him a new copy of Meet the Parents on DVD and I'm going to give it to him and wait, there's right answers? Well, don't worry about that. Hold on. Hold on. I need to know if there's right answers to this segment because then I might do my bear one again. No, you're both right so far. You're nailing it. A hundred was not. So it was sexual. We can all agree this bear is trying to put the moves on me.

Okay. So Bert, so yeah, I would get him a new DVD and I would say like here, I don't want you to have to worry about this anymore. You're in your twilight years. You're just did that direct to direct TV. That is a thing actually and it is direct to direct TV. Bert Reynolds movie. So I want him to keep acting. I want him to focus his energies on that and I don't necessarily want him worrying about this DVD anymore. So I'm going to drive a wedge between him and Dung by buying him a copy of the DVD and he'll say, thank goodness, I don't have to worry about that anymore. Thank you, Justin. Give me a second and finish writing that down. Thank you. Wait, why are you right? Why do you need to write it down? Don't worry about it.

Okay. So Griffin, here's your second one. What do you think you would do if you were a turtle and you had really good credit, but you're not sure if you're ready to settle down with your long-term girlfriend, Sheila? Why does my credit have anything? It's really good. This is just sort of character development about turtle not being. So what do you think you would do? I mean, here's the thing turtles live for fucking 2000 years. We all got the same turtles from back in Christ's time basically. And so if you settle down as a turtle, that really means something because you're talking about thousands of years, but potentially. And then it's all about spawning and the eggs. There's like a billion of them and that's a big responsibility too. I

kind of get it, but at the same time, it's pretty long. I don't have a good answer for this one, Travis. You've given me literally nothing. That is correct. Justin, here's the final one. What do you think you would do if... Oh, wow, wow. You saw fire and at first you panicked a little bit, but then you realized there was just like a campfire and all of your closest friends were sitting around it and they were all really silent and at first you're like, what's going on? But then you realized they're all just being kind of contemplative and kind of thinking about life and then the fire starts to die down and you go through all the proper steps to put the fire out and pour sand on it and stuff and make sure it's out. Then you go and you lay down in your tent

and you start to feel a little hungry and you remember you have a cliff bar in your jacket, but then you think, oh, no, I left my jacket out by the fire. But then you realize that, no, you brought it in and it's in the tent with you and you go into the pocket and you get the cliff bar out and you had thought it was chocolate chip, but it's actually oatmeal chocolate chip. Then you eat it and you don't feel hungry anymore and then you go to sleep. Kind of feels like Travis only had two. Yeah, I don't think that one, it requires so much action. So what do you think you would do if what I would probably do is continue to sleep, have a restless night's sleep because laying on the earthen ground is always difficult.

And you ate so late and you know that always gives you weird dreams. Yeah, and I would have a weird dream and I would wake up the next day and build a new fire and start the cycle again. Excellent. You are correct. You are trapped in a time cycle. You nailed that one. Waiting for Dr. Who to come. That is his name. Dr. Who to come rescue me or her name, excuse me, wait for her to come rescue me from the cycle. All right, now Travis, it's your turn. Okay. What do you think you would do? Now, Justin, you have to really squawk it. What do you think you would do if you were friends with Barack Obama?

Friends to acquaintances. You don't know each other great, but whatever. So like I might invite him to hang out in a big group hang, but it would be weird if like you and I went on a road trip. Yes, thank you. You're borrowing this dude's DVDs non-stop. And you had some live shows coming up and you needed a poster design and you asked Barack to make one for you. Even if it's not good, it's still the poster that Barack made and people are going to be wild for it. He gives you a link to share a shareable link for some of his rough sketches, sort of what he's thinking about for the shows. When you click through the link,

the posters are there. They're terrible. I mean, they are wretched, but you also see a directory in the drop box that says pirate. And when you go into it, you find off-screen filmed copies of the post of Thor Ragnarok, of Lady Bird, and then some like Broadway stuff. Oh, geez. Legally Blonde. He filmed a preview of Legally Blonde and tormented it. Oh, me too. He didn't film it. He tormented it. So what do you think you would do? So if I found out that our former president, Barack Hussein Obama, had pirated not only film, but also Broadway, which is probably, I would say, even more upsetting than

an pirating film. And the Olympics and some football games. Oh, man. And you're not supposed to do that. Yeah, it's some of his favorite football games. What would I do? You know what? I'd turn him in. Wow. I mean, listen, I'm not proud, but I'm lawful good. You know what I mean? If there's one thing people know about me. Would you really fucking turn him in? No. No, of course. Why don't you answer my question? Why don't you quit being full of shit for a fucking minute of your life? Because I panicked. Do you want to know the truth, Justin? That's a hard game, huh? In this administration, you want to hand

the former president, Barack Hussein Obama over to this current administration as a federal criminal. You want to do that. That's your fucking choice. Here's what I would do, Justin. Here's what I would do. Here. Do you want to know what I would fucking do? Yeah, I wouldn't have asked it if I didn't want to know what I would do. Here's what I fucking do, Justin. I would maybe set up some sort of elaborate prank, but not like a funny prank, but like kind of a scared straight kind of prank where I was like, and if that had been real, you'd be in prison right now. Barry, you know, I'm worried about you. Hey, you show up at his door. Dressed up as a movie cop. My name is Ace Shooter, Hollywood cop, and I probably don't want to

show up at former president Barack Obama's house and say your name is Ace Shooter. That's probably not. That's my fucking name. What do you want me to do? I haven't changed. I go to the imatitorium and get a name for Ace Shooter. Fine. My name is Ace Coolflix, and my name is Ace Netflix, and I'm here. Would you steal a car from a president Barack Hussein Obama? I do not think so. So why have you stolen the Lady Bird? You're going to jail for a very long time. Just kidding, it's me, Griffin, but you learned something. I feel like he didn't give him time to get scared. He's so confused. He knew it was you. You're closer to Griffin than he is to Travis. Hey, what's up? My name is Damian Blockbuster, Hollywood police, and I'm here to talk to you

about the Lady Birds you stole. No, wait, did you use this to get past the Secret Service? Because I think they would probably answer the door and not let you get close. No, Justin, it's a jurisdiction thing, because at that point, the Hollywood police trumps the Secret Service. I brought a pie. I'm like, this is Barack Obama, president, and then I laid on him. I'm going to put you in the Slammer now, the Hollywood Slammer, and wait for it. Just kidding, it's me, Griffin. I tear off the beard. There is the beard. There is no Damian Blockbuster. I mean, maybe somewhere. This is a good segment, Tre. Hey, thank you. Should we talk about, speaking of the live shows that we got former president Barack

Hussein Obama to make posters for us, should we talk about the live shows we do actually have coming up? Yeah, let's blaze through them. Folks, we're hitting the road this year. We're getting back out there. That's too much road. I know there's a lot of road, and I'm already exhausted. There's a lot of roads. I'm not going to bog you down with a bunch of dates, because you can find those at McRoyshows.com forward slash tours. Trevor, can you go ahead and put those on there, even if we don't have the links yet? Yeah, by the time this goes live, they'll be up there. They'll be up there. Okay, McRoyshows.com forward slash tours. We are coming to, okay, my brother, my brother, and me, is coming to Dallas, Houston, St. Louis,

Detroit, Columbus, San Francisco, Phoenix, Orlando, and Atlanta. Now, some of those two are also Adventure Zone. Well, I was going to do them separately. The Adventure Zone is coming to Dallas, San Francisco, and Atlanta. Yes, and those are over like the next, Jesus, like six months. April to September in there. There's a lot of shows going up, folks. It's going to be a lot of fun, and we're very much looking forward to it. I know I said that I wasn't, because of how exhausting I exhausted I was, but it's going to be a hoot. Some of you see it's never been to Columbus, Detroit, St. Louis. What's up, St. Louis? Going to get up in that big scary arch. Phoenix has its own arch. I have been to Columbus many times. That's where

Josiah is. Nice try. But we haven't done their shows there. Anyway, yeah, all the links and stuff are at macaroshows.com. Now, tickets are going to go on sale this week, so look lively. Somebody with the email open can probably tell you exactly when that's going to be. Yeah, so tickets are going to go on sale Friday the 16th at 10am local time. Now, local to where the shows are, not just where you live. Correct. Now, the thing, keep in mind, just as a word of warning, because it's happened before, it's always possible that they go on sale a little bit early, so maybe don't jump on right at like 10am. Maybe start checking a few minutes before just to something to keep in mind.

We are going to be doing a pre-sale also. Correct. Yes, that's going to be Wednesday, March 14th at 10am local to Thursday, March 15th at 10pm local. There's going to be a pre-sale going and all you need to do to access that pre-sale is use the password mybrother and that's the same for Taz and Mabimbam shows. It's mybrother and you can use that pre-sale to get into, to buy the tickets early. If you want to go to the shows, do that. Do the pre-sale, because if you wait for the other one, it might be tough. If you have problems accessing the site, if the site goes down, which it tends to, keep trying. Don't get out of here or whatever. If you're going to tweet it, somebody tweet it, the venue or whatever,

if you're having issues, because we are not going to be able to do anything about it. We're going aggro crack with this fucking schedule, so we are not going to be able to add more shows and stuff like we usually do. Look lively. May the odds be ever in your favor. Please don't tweet at us. We have no idea how this fucking process works and just, you know, we also are going to, you know, that's only up till the beginning of September. We're looking at some other things, nothing guaranteed, but we're going to try to keep doing them throughout the year too. But this is the only thing that's confirmed and guaranteed right now. All right, so look lively. Justin, read this question. Here we go with the show.

Oh, I like watching nature shows at night before bed to relax. My cat has begun doing this cute thing where he sits at the foot of the bed and inadvertently watches the TV with me or intently, not intently. You really added a lot of letters. Whoa, I added a lot of there. Okay. Intently, watch the TV with me. His favorite shows feature birds or four legged critters like David Attenborough shows, of course. Like David Attenborough, a centaur. One night, I was watching some trashy TV when my cat hopped up on the bed and began watching. Immediately, I changed from my trashy TV show to a nature show I knew he would like so that he would stay. And then I realized I just tailored my TV time to my cat's preferences.

Brothers, what's the protocol for sharing TV time with a cat? How can I expand my cat's interest beyond just critter shows? And that's from not that crazy cat lady in Tennessee. Maybe your cat just wants you to learn something about alligators instead of just watching some Garbo TV. Maybe your cat wants to enrich your mind with David Attenborough's lessons. And I don't, I still, people are always talking about this dude and I still just have no idea who it is. But they, I assume he gets up there and he's like, alligators. Is he British? Alligators. The snakes with legs. And you learn about them instead of, you know, seeing a bunch of people hit each other in the street while drunk. I don't know. I don't know. I feel like that's a good thing.

How far does this go though? If you start indulging your cat this way and then you turn on the new Brian Eno record and your cat comes over and you swatch your face and say, I want skinned. Put on skinned. Put on some skinned. Put on some skinned. Now I learned to talk. Also, get the wet food. I know it's a pain in the ass. We gotta want the wet stuff. You gotta open one can at a time. I like them commercials with the dog in the china dishes. I like that make tired. I'm tired of that dry stuff that's supposed to make my shit smell good. It's never gonna happen. Give me the candy. Give me better shit saying Debbie. I've been thinking about it. I think I want to eat a begging strip. Fuck you. Fuck this. Give me the school. I want to go to school.

Stop keeping me from school. I want to learn. I want to be like you. Give me a man's red fire. I'm going to go to technical college and learn how to maintain servers. I want to close down the plant. I've been stagnating. Yeah, I don't know what happened. I want a future. I can't access my email anymore. Is there any way you can? Yeah, I can fix it. Let me just plug. Oh, you didn't have it plugged into the damn wifi. Hold on. All right, I did it. I'm gonna knock your mouse off your desk now. Scannered. Fuck you. Don't you want to use? Wouldn't that be easier if you use the mouse? No, I don't enjoy using it. It's my predilections. I don't like using mice. And it's also better sensitivity with the track

pad, really. Yeah. Look at these pads. Look at them. All right. Hey, you got any milk? Okay. So we just did a fun cat character rather than just sort of addressing the issue. I think that helped, though. I mean, it doesn't. I mean, your cat, if your cat can like nature shows, then your cat can learn to like my 600 pound life. So you just got to help like you meet your cat halfway, watch a little something they like, and then watch a little something you like and see like sometimes you can get them on board with the storylines of something, you know, especially those like episodic, trashy reality TV shows. Maybe try to adjust your cat's taste so they like the stuff you like.

Yeah. Do you know cats? Like that ain't gonna happen. My cat is just, I can't get this little guy to do anything. Maybe get your cat a smaller TV that you just play nature shows on so you can watch what you want. Well, but that's going to end up with you watching this small TV and him watching it big TV. Yep. He just, my cat runs my life, you know. I'm just operating on his schedule at this point, you know what I mean? Like. If they were to make a sitcom about me and my cat, you know, we'd call who's the boss, except maybe they stylized it as who's the pause. Wait. Who's the pause? Maybe muse the boss? So Griffin, you got a Yahoo? I do. Here's one that was sent in by Merit Palmer. Thank you,

Merit. It's Yahoo! Answers user bolstered norj. Bolstered norj asks, If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? Oh, shit. Whoa. Fuck. No additional details listed or required. It's how would we know? Like a real toughy like archipelago. And you're like, did I do this right? Let's check with the dictionary. And the dictionary is like, here's how we think it is. But how did they come? How did they figure that out? And words that you can't really figure out like what the right way is, like color or color, like whatever they list is just how it goes. But did they go to the, you know, where did they find the ancient stone tablet that was just like, nah, nah, nah. Here's how you spell archipelago. Okay. Words do change their spelling

over time, right? So if you look at like, like early, like old English, you're going to see a lot of wild vowels and, and what have you in there, right? Yeah. And like, what's up used to be what's up. And then all the great commercials came out. And now the dictionary says it's was up. Yeah. So that language changes. I think if the dictionary changes the spelling on something, that's, that's the spelling. Yeah. I actually, I think that there are also quantum words like restaurant, for example, I think if you look at it, it changes between being R E S T A U R A and T or A R A U and T, depending on when you're looking at it and who's looking at it, because I don't believe that there is actually a right way to spell restaurant and I'll always get

it wrong forever and ever and ever. You know, I just get me as convenience. Oh, yeah. A resuscitation, like anything with like the double S's in there somewhere. How often are you putting that down? What? How often are you doing a resuscitation? Yeah, how often do you have to say resuscitation? I can't even say it, fucking thing. I can't even say it. Are you using resuscitation a lot? Okay. Oh, you know the other one? Occasionally. Oh, yeah. Which ones are doubles? Balloon. Balloon gets you? Balloon is tough. Is it a double L? I don't know. I don't remember. Oh, shit. Or a single O? This is my ballon. This is my ballon. But that's what I'm saying. They could just change it and they're always adding stuff. They're very hip and very woke and they're always

adding stuff to the, to the, you know, the word Bible. And it just kind of, who's making these calls? It's just like now balloon is one L, one O. It's a ballon. And that, now that's how it is. And if every other, when they do that, every book ever written before that is just full of typos. Yeah, it's just wrong. How come there's not a fucking competing dictionary? Yes. There's only the one dictionary company that's out there and they're the only ones deciding. And I think it's time for us to maybe do a dictionary and it can probably just not be all the words. I don't think we're going to be competing with them on scale, but like some of this stuff, there's just like the word. Just the hard words. Like conscience. It's just like, I would just list that one and I would

just be like, conscience. The thing inside of you tells you whether it's good or not, how it's spelled. Just whatever. Just go for it. That's the thing is we're fine listing multiple definitions for words, but not multiple spellings. Come on, grow up. Grow the fuck up, Miriam. It's 2018. Things are spelled however. I've got too much on my plate to worry about where the U goes in restaurant. And with R, the Macaroy's super good dictionary, spelling beats become way more fun because then it'd be like if they get up there and spell like spell archipelago and they'd be like A-R-K-A-P-E-L-I-G-O and they'd be like, I guess. That tracks. Fine. It was so fun. And then they would go to a physical challenge. Yes, arm wrestle now. You too.

From the spelling of the word. Yeah. It was so fun pretending there's only one dictionary, but I'm going to stop pretending it for this next thing I'm going to say. Okay. You know how there's like different dictionary companies? What? No, there's only one. We're not pretending that anymore. So like, there's like Webster's and Oxford. Wouldn't it be funny if Webster decided to make, like, change the definition of Oxford in its dictionary? It's like, oh, and Oxford, that's the ducky saying you get on your drawers. Got them. Got them. Oh, you got an Oxford on there, gross. Why is there different dictionaries? Because the words are the same and the definitions

are the same. Is it just you copy and paste the other folks shit and just put it right in your book? And it's like, you stole it. What are you talking about? I can't steal what Apple means. It's so they can have an arms race for putting busted new words in to try to have some like notoriety or like some reason that the media will talk about. I'm like, did you hear stacations in there now? Like, yeah, fine. It's so quick. It's great. Yeet goes viral and Merriam's like, we got yeet, yeet, yeet, yeet. That's us. It's us in there. Look at there. Burn the old ones. Burn the old ones. All your old books are bullshit. Go buy a new one. It's got Yeet. It's the Merriam Webster 2018 Yeet edition. Also, we took, we took YOLO out. Nobody's fucking

saying YOLO out. Nobody's saying YOLO out. What are those? It's done. Welcome to the Merriam Webster. What's hot? What's not edition? I would like to make a new, better version segment. Oh, okay. A new version of the dictionary that just has a different alphabetical order because alphabetical order is just completely arbitrary as it is. And I would like to put all the vowels together. Oh, that's good. And then, but the whole alphabet starts with T so that I'll always be first in line for stuff. That's cool. And then maybe instead of a song that we teach our children, you just say the alphabet like it's one big word. I like that. So it's like the beginning. And then all the vowels. So it's like, all the vowels.

Like that. And then kids say it and it helps them learn. Like a Missy Elliott song. Yeah. Well, you know that not all her songs are like that once. Yeah, not all of her songs feature her sort of saying things backwards. You know that, right? It's not a gimmick. It's just one thing. It's not a gimmick. She's not the backwards song singer. She just really has the one where that's sort of the focus. Okay. Well, sure. If you want to just step on my joke. Joke's kind of a strong word. Let's take a break now and head on over to the Money Zone. Alrighty, huh? Wow, that what would you do segment sure took a while, huh? It was, what do you think you would do? There's no copyright infringement here.

Folks, I want to take a moment to ask if you are hiring because time's right over here. And I could use a gig posting your position to job sites. That's what you do normally. And then you, what do you do? You wait, you wait for the right people to see it. No more waiting because Zip Recruiter has revolutionized hiring. Their technology finds great candidates for you. It kicks open their door, grabs them by the scruff of their neck, it drags them into your desk. It tapes them there with duct tape and it makes them answer your questions. Yikes. It learns that you're looking for and identifies people with the right experience and invites them

to apply. What kind of experience do you think you look for for people to write a dictionary for you? Like, if you are hiring dictionary writers, that's such a specialized skill set. Yeah, what's the deal with that? Do you think that there are dictionaries that also include some sort of narrative? Well, you did dictionaries already, Travis. We're in the advertising, we're in the body of the advertisement now. But now I'm thinking about if we wrote a dictionary, but there was a story that unfolded as you read the dictionary. That could be fine. Okay. Hey, Peepham's nasty, no Peepham's, as long as we're doing all the bits,

Peepham's nasty gun. Let's check in on that one. Ah, what's right now? Our listeners can try for free at ziprecruiter.com slash my brother. That's ziprecruiter.com slash my brother. Ziprecruiter, the smartest way to hire. Hey, Pamela, how's our new spot on my bedbam? Well, it's long. It's not really about us for much of it, but it is a long spot. I want to tell you about Squarespace. Good value from those boys. Now, I want to tell you about Squarespace. And also probably Glass Sharks at some point. Well, I'm going to reference something I referenced earlier in the podcast,

and that is we were talking about the tours and we said macroishows.com slash tours. And I said, yeah, I can put that up there. That'll be up by the time. That's because we use Squarespace. And Squarespace is so intuitive and easy to use that I can make changes wherever I need to update stuff rapidly and on my own schedule without having to wait for some huge, I don't know, website producing machine to make the website for me. I can do it. And if you have a cool idea or something you want to, you know, create a web presence for, make a new website on Squarespace, it's super easy. They have beautiful templates created by world-class designers. They also have

e-commerce functionality. So if you want to sell things, you can do that. And it's optimized for mobile right out of the box. You don't even have to do anything. So people can use it on their smartphones. Travis mentioned that quick iteration. It really is awesome. Like hypothetically, you could put on like a contact page on like a personal website where people could email you. And then when like 200 people send you emails about BananaVor, you can just delete that instantly. And like, it's not even a big deal and nobody even notices. And they help you buy domains and they have a ton of extensions used and there's nothing to patch or upgrade ever. So go check out Squarespace.com for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code MyBrother to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's Squarespace.com and enter the code MyBrother all one word. I want to tell you all about an exciting new podcast that is called Talk From Superheroes. It is a new podcast. It's hosted by Andrew and Diana, the creators of texts from superheroes that hilarious web comic you've seen where superheroes text each other. Every week on Talk From Superheroes, they break down the hilarious things you've never noticed in superhero movies and TV shows. Like how Green Goblin's Glider definitely cut off his junk at 2002's Spider-Man. Man of Steel is about to get is about how to insert a space USB and how Tony Stark

recruited a child soldier in Civil War. Oh my goodness. Yeah, I think all that probably does track. A lot of just sort of probably, I bet, like snafus, continuity errors, a lot of outtakes, a lot of probably some plot holes gang. And so gird yourself for that. But it's all on TalkFromSuperheroes.com or you can also just search for Talk From Superheroes on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts. I think that means like whatever application you use to download the podcast and not like a nice tree you like to sit over under or over in a hot air balloon and enjoy listening to your podcasts. This is from Anna Heavens and it's for Smooch Island. Hey, Smoochers. What a year it's been. Thank you for being part of a community where it's normal

to build internet friendships, do some flirts, get some selfie validation and maybe even experience some island magic. To Jack, Almay, Jenny, Moe, and John, you are the best mods and people I know. Thank you for everything. I love y'all. Keep smooching. What is Smooch Island? I don't know, but I'm so excited. That is so excited to get to say it and just be there. You can't be there. It's lost. It's always moving. There's a scary polar bear and there's a big cloud that comes around and kills people, but aside from that, it's great. Everybody's smooching all the time. Now, why didn't you go to Fantasy Island, Griffin? Because it seems more like Fantasy Island. Nope. It's the Lost Island. Bears and everything. Sawyer's there. Sawyer's there, but he's kissing.

He's kissing? Oh, so you can smooch Sawyer? That helps. That really takes the edge off the I'll say this. Smooch the Sawyer doesn't hurt. Well, it might. He's got a lot of stubble. You might get some. I would. You're going to read this next one, Trav? Sure. This is from Wes Davies and it's for Robin Falen. Dear Robin Falen, fantastic DM and even more fantastic friend, Reese and Wes, Inya and Francie, Sin and Amy, RZA and Luca, Kuviri and Juniper, Wei and Iris. Why is it written? This is the biggest D&D group fucking F. That's probably the player. Wait, is that the player and the character and the player?

I don't know. They all send you our love and thank you for the zags, the gays and for all the kindness you put into the stories you give to us. May they continue to heal us and you every month. You are so loved and that message is set to air whenever. I like it. I like it. There's never a bad time to thank your DM for their hard hard work. I agree, Griffin. Thank you, Travis. Hi, I'm Ellie Gertz and I'm Julia Prescott and we're the host of Everything's Coming Up Simpsons. We are a Simpsons podcast brand new to the Maximum Fun Network and every episode we cover a different episode of The Simpsons that is a favorite of

our special guests. We've had guests that are showrunners and writers and voice actors like Nancy Cartwright, all people that have worked on The Simpsons and we've also had guests like Weird Al and people that are on the Max Fun Network already and each week we will talk to a very cool guest about their favorite episode and it is so much fun so if you like The Simpsons come listen to Everything's Coming Up Simpsons. All right, smell you later. My friend won't let up about the existence of airline hitchhikers, people that stow away in the baggage place of an airplane and look through the paying passengers things during the flight. According to her, they sneak on while the terminal loads in the baggage, nobody the wiser.

This only came up when I asked why she was putting those miniature key locks on every single zipper for a checked bag as I thought she was more hesitant about them opening during flight instead of hitchhikers digging through her socks or something. How can I convince her that these airplane stowways don't exist and are not looking through luggage and she doesn't need a dozen locks on her suitcase and that's from surprised in Sarasota. Of course, yes, this is obviously ridiculous because people sneak on the plane inside the luggage, not while it's being loaded, don't be ridiculous. And then when they put the luggage through the X-ray and they get stopped like, hey, we saw some weird shit. And you can be like, no, no, no, it's just a skeleton. Yep.

I'm fine if there's airplane hitchhikers. If that's the point that are like that we're at, that's fine. Can I please leave my shoes on then? Like, if you are going to let people climb on and dig through people's bags with their sticky fingers, can I please just leave the shoes on maybe? Would that be okay? Their prescription shoes, TSA. Justin, you have, you used the word like let in there and like it did occur to me that if this was truly a problem and there were airline hitchhikers and so airlines were just like, what are you going to do? Listen, we can't stop it. Every day we open the doors. Oh, dang it. Everybody's clothes are everywhere. They got us again, the airline hitchhiker and they they've just accepted that it's an inevitability.

Can't stop these sky pirates. You know what I mean? It happens. That is what I am implying. Yes, I don't think that it would continue to be. They don't let me on wearing my shoes. Well, you do get a chance to put. You know that once you go through security, you can't put the shoes back on and you don't. What? Wait a minute. Wait, I thought you left them off till you got home. Are you the stink feet, man? I've been reading about. I've been seeing articles pop up on time. The Wall Street Journal, all the big blogs about the stink feet, man, who goes on the plane and doesn't wear the shoes and then just sort of makes the plane his space with the smell. The worst thing I think about the having to take your shoes off at the airport and I

it's a huge inconvenience, obviously. But if you think about it, if you're a sane human being, you go to get on the airplane in sir, your kickoff buddies, your buddies that you can just yeah, slip right off. And then what what happens? Well, the terrible side effect is you've now loaded up an airplane with people that are wearing the shoes that are most easily kicked off like most easily just like kickoff and relax your kickoff buddies and you're wearing the it's a whole plane. We have like normalized this taking your taking your shoes off in an airplane because everybody's wearing the shoes that are so easy to slip on and off. They should make you wear your most difficult. Everybody should have to wear their steampunk

boots that lace up to the knee. Yes. That require two friends to help you get on and off your your dom boots. Yeah. Um, I'm actually sitting here right now looking at my steampunk boots and that is where that reference came from. Yeah. The only here are my brother, my brother. That's probably not true. This is a podcast. There's probably a lot of podcasters who had steampunk boots. If only there was a word for people who hide in the like the secret spaces of modes of transit because airline hitchhikers is kind of a mouthful when they made me picture someone on a cloud like someone like on a hot air balloon with their thumb out and they're like, I got to get to Phoenix, but I don't have a whole lot of money. Okay. Here it comes. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh

shit. That's kind of what the little prince did. You know, the comments weren't in the comments weren't asked the gremlin on it with the with the Shatner episode of Twilight Zone. Thank you, Travis. How about a yahoo? Uh, yeah. Can I just mention one other thing? The lid of my coffee mug stinks. Yeah, I wash it every day and it's just the lid of the top of the lid of it stinks. Wait, stinks like plastic because that's the thing I don't care for in the tumblers. It's a travel tumbler. That's the only thing I use to travel. I never, here's a fun fact about me. I don't leave the house as a rule. Don't pour my coffee in anything but travel mugs because if you're using a regular mug to drink your coffee, it is cold instantly. When I dump it into this,

when I dump it into the catigo auto seal though, it's going to stay warm for longer. So I always do that except the lid of this catigo auto seal smells so bad. Yeah. It also has a stink in and I'm going to throw it away. What kind of stink, Justin? Let's really, let's get in there. I don't want to know. Like a dirty lid or just like you don't like the smell of the lid. Black ball, black ball. Don't want to hear about Justin's mouth stink. No way. It is no way this is from me. This is not my brand. Is it just the material of the lid you don't care for? It's like it's a porous material that has absorbed stink at some point during the dishwasher process. Yes. What kind of stink, Justin? I mean, it's a, it's an earthy, uh-huh, mellow, stink. It's just like an old laundry

stink. Kind of a musty old laundry stink on my contigo auto seal. How's the mouth feel? I mean, I, there's no sensory input in terms of tactile or, or taste is purely an olfactory issue, but it's every, with every drink, I'm like rubbing my nose in the stink while I'm trying to drink my coffee. Have you thought about just boiling the lid? I just took another drink. Stop taking drinks of it, Justin. I need it to do the comedy. Um, how about this? What do you think you would do if? Oh, fuck, for Christ's sake. You take coffee to do your comedy. Here's a yahoo that was sent in. Thank you, Adrian Cowles, for sending in a sentence. Yahoo answers user Jason, who asks, what's your power meal? Update, update. I have two.

15 beans soup and vegan chili. 15 beans? That's 15 different kinds of beans, right? Not just like 15 beans. I don't think it's 15 beans, because it's all that you're, you know, all that your village had, and you put it in there with the water, and then everybody kind of makes up an imagination thing they put in there, and then at the end you eat it, and you're like, mmm, my favorite, my favorite soup. But then you're like, we all know that this tastes like shit, right? Jeremy put a fucking rock in here and said it was like a magic rock that tasted good, but we can all agree that this is fucking gross, right? Okay. What's your power meal, though? What do you eat? I thought about this, because I reached a point now where there's very little

food that makes me not want to either, one, go to sleep, or two, go to sleep on a toilet, and I don't know that food makes me feel powerful anymore, as much as it makes me feel, uh, sad. So this isn't like your favorite happy comfort meal, right? Because for me, that's far too much fried chicken and cheesecake that does not make me feel powerful. No, not powerful. Not powerful. I'm talking about, I'm about to go fucking play paintball, and I need to load up, and I'm gonna get out there and play paintball, and I need to load up, and so like, what's the meal I eat before then, so I can feel powerful, so I can do all my cool, like, knee slide John Woo shit. Mm-hmm. And I'm saying I don't know, because there's literally nothing.

I mean, if you get me a, here, okay, here's what it is for me. Salad, but like, staked out, like, tons of steak. Maybe put a bunch of steak on salad? Oh, not like a salad you've been watching for weeks. No, to make sure nobody is, is tampered with it, and make sure it's not false fine documents. Yes, no, a steak salad, because it's like, it blasts you with veggies, and you love that raw energy, but then right behind it, it's got the protein there to kind of scoop you up. To make you go crazy, yeah. To make you go crazy. Give you body fuel. The other thing that I definitely would include in there is hot sauce,

like, if you- Oh, god, no, the power's gone, just. That's all I use, and I don't use salad dressing, I use hot sauce on my salads, and I use a sports car. A what? A sports car? It turns into a sports car, so you can go fast, and so there's our legally mandated every 100 episodes. Turbo teen. If you think we referenced turbo teen every 100 episodes, you are out of your fucking mind. Fair enough. Justin, mine is similar, but mine is more contextual salad, where it has to be,

like, surprise good decision salad. Okay, yes. You know, where it's like, oh, I'm feeling a little sluggish, right? I can't plan on having the salad, but I have to. In the moment, we're like, you know what? I mean, I have a salad. Yes. And that is like, it sneaks up on me, and we go on an adventure together, where I feel like I've made a good choice.

That happens to be on tour sometimes. On tour sometimes, like, around the last show, Paul will be like, let's get that dinner order in. I'm like, uh, you know what I'm going to go with? And he, like, turns to me really slowly, and he's like, Justin, you don't mean a- And I'm like, yeah, Paul, I do. A salad. Everybody on the crew, like, rushes into the green room, which is against our rider.

And everybody in the crew rushes into the green room, and they just start applauding and screaming, like, flinging things everywhere. That is the thing that happens, all three of us. It'll be like, if it does, if someone just suggested, like, a dessert, where I'm like, ooh, a salad, actually, yeah, change mine to salad, too. I can't, but I can't even, salad's not even great for me anymore, because it shows, yeah, it shows up in my tummy. And like, my tummy workers, like, Bill is like, Susan, what it,

I don't even know what to do with this stuff. And Susan's like, yeah, I don't, I don't know either. Let's just get it out of here as fast as we possibly can. Christian, I feel like science needs to develop for you some kind of, like, gray liquid that gives you all the sustenance that you need, and the energy you need. But maybe you don't even notice you're eating it at the time. That might be the only thing your stomach is able to process now, is my worry.

Yeah, might be good, because right now my plan is like, I see a healthy salad, and I see some mozzarella sticks, and I'm like, both of these are gonna make me feel bad. I may as well have a good time in the mouth. Have you tried soilent? They named their company after the thing where they killed people to turn them into food. Spoilers? It's just wild to me.

It's like if Pepperidge Farms changed their name to Silence of the Lambs. You can't just, gang, you can't. Every one of our, every one of our delicious boxes comes with our hickory smoked fingers. Hickory smoked, dude? It's the wildest, like, tech bro shit ever to me, where it's just like, yeah, we named it after, is it people or not? We'll never tell. We're very successful, for reasons beyond Griffin's comprehension.

Could you tell, actually, could you actually tell real quick? Because like, I don't know if you've seen out there, but a company that called itself after the food drink, the mate of people, and then they did do it on the, like, rankings of the past few years, I would be like, a seven, maybe a seven, maybe. You might trend for like an hour. It's people, and everyone's like, okay. Yeah, yeah, I get it, all right.

And it's still, I can just drink it and I'm good for like the next four or five hours and I don't. Yeah, but it's people. Yeah, but it gives me whatever. But it gives me energy to code. Yeah, dude, go for it. It's people. What is it these days, am I right? Lots of things, every other thing.

A banana, an orange. Who has the time? The peeling, yuck. I can't peel, I got a code. How about another question, or do you want to yahoo another one? Let's, we will end on two questions. Let's crank one more out here. I'm a delivery driver for a business in California

that sends marijuana and other THC products to people's front door just like pizza. It's legal here and I absolutely love my job. Well, yeah, it's a good gig. Every customer I've ever had has been polite and happy to see me. The problem is that sometimes they're too happy to see me and or they still have the statement that our arrangement is something shady instead of a licensed business. And they asked me to come inside, which feels unsafe for me personally.

Yep. And I'm professional for a business as legitimate as ours. How can I let my slightly too friendly customers down gently? So I don't harsh their buzz. And that's from weed man Steve in Sacramento. Well, Steve, I should clarify what you're doing is still a federal crime. So let's not get too uppity. It's still a federal crime.

Like pirating movies. Like pirating films. What if somebody asked you to come inside, you said, oh, that's actually illegal. What you're doing is this is, this is, this is not going to be a problem in 20 years. This isn't this is a symptom of that doesn't help Steve now. No, no, no. I'm just saying that this is a very unique issue that you are having to solve.

It is I am I am saying that there is no there's very little precedent for this because it is a problem that has only popped up in the last few years or so, where back in the day, you'd call up Todd, Todd would come over slide you some some sweet greenie nugs and then you'd be expected to play golden eye with Todd for the next three hours as he enjoys the thing you just paid for also kind of. Do you think you think when they started pizza delivery, the recipient was like, are you going to come in and slice it up for me? Do you want to eat some of it?

Did you bring your hungry from walking over here? Did you bring any arcade games for me to enjoy? Because usually that's how it works. I bet they did. I bet early in the day they were like, listen, we got a whole pizza here. You should come on in and have some. Come on in. I got some new cassettes that we can jam out to and enjoy my pizza.

Hey, you're not a cop, are you? This blends so many things for me of like my extreme social anxiety and just sort of general anxiety about like I guess doing drugs with strangers is probably a good one to have. It sounds solid. What can we do? What can they do? It makes me wonder if this person was like, okay, get in here and used to like, no, thank you.

And they were like, oh, okay, well, then let me get this transaction done as quickly as possible then I guess. I can't say I wouldn't be that person though because my gratitude would be enormous. I'm extremely thankful when the pizza delivery person shows up and gives me the pizza. And I imagine that if the weed delivery person had showed up before the pizza delivery person, I would be exponentially more grateful towards the pizza one. I think I would also probably invite them in and give them some sort of like, I don't know, dowry.

You've done a great service for me. I actually, I've been experiencing this from a different direction. I've been using DoorDash and DoorDash is like, how lazy are you? Cause basically you're calling in like a pickup order, but then you're having someone else that you do not know pick it up for you for money. So it's like delivery, but you have added the step of like saying, but I'm not gonna go get it. So it's, it's not delivery. It's DeGiorno, which is the name of your driver.

My name is Todd DeGiorno. And when Todd DeGiorno brings it to me, my posture and attitude and tone of voice can only be described as deeply apologetic. Yeah, I fucked up. I should, I should have done this instead of you talking. I know, I listen, I know, I know this is where we're at. And I get that. Oh man.

We literally have said nothing helpful about what this person can do. I think you could just say like, sorry, I've got a lot of other. I got a lot of other stops. And then if you could spread some angel wings and just fly away and you've left your Mitsubishi eclipse behind, but you'll come back and get it later. But I think, I think it's something that just says like, you can't, do you want to come in? You can't hog me, bud. I got lots of other, I got lots of other miracles to perform tonight.

What if when they said, do you want to come in and you said, oh, I'm wearing a wire? Why? Well, because then they wouldn't want you to come in. Oh, so you're assuming they're already kind of high. So you could say like, I can't, I heard some cops. And then you just can't leave. I can't go in. I'm a cop.

Yeah, I'm playing into those stereotypes. You can just reach into your pocket and take out a fistful of combos that you kind of throw behind them. And then you can run away as they fiendishly chomp down on these floor combos. These weed rats, these druggie wastoids. I think that's helpful. Yeah, that probably helps. Thank you so much for listening to our podcast.

We got a couple of other things to talk to you about. First one is our new merch store. If you're listening to this on Monday, it could be launching today, maybe tomorrow, definitely this week. It'll be at McElroyMerch.com when it is live and working. We'll tweet about it and Facebook about it and all that other good stuff. There's going to be a ton of new fun items on there, a lot to discover and explore. There's a ton of new items on there as well as items we have offered before.

And so I'm super excited for everybody to see these. There's some really cool stuff on here. We're actually partnering on this with DFTBA. Don't forget to be awesome. This is John Hank Green's business interests. They've got a lot of other great creators on there like Hannah Hart and Extra Credit. And Extra Credits, excuse me. And the sequel.

The sequel to Extra Credit. The sequel to Extra Credit. And so we're very excited about that. And it's McElroyMerch.com. When it goes live, we will tell you, I promise. I want to remind everybody, we got a bunch of live shows. Tickets are going on sale just real quick. Dallas, Houston, St. Louis, Detroit, Columbus, San Francisco, Phoenix, Orlando, Atlanta.

Doing a bin-bam, doing a few adventure zones in there. You can find out all the details at McElroyshows.com slash tours. Going on sale this Friday at 10 a.m. local time, local to where the shows are. But tickets are going to go on pre-sale. And that's going to be on Wednesday at 10 a.m. local time. And like, we can't stress this enough and we have to warn you here in the episode. Because we have to give everybody a fair shot. They usually sell out pretty quickly.

That's not us being dicks. It's us trying to help you all come see the show if you want to come see it. So McElroyshows.com slash tours this Wednesday. 10 a.m. local time. You've got to use the code mybrother if you want the... All one word. All one word if you want the early ticket sales. And then whatever is left will be on sale Friday at 10 a.m. local time.

We are engaging in a special project this week that we can't give too many details on. But we need questions. It's the weirdest thing we've ever done. Yes. Hands down. So we need from you questions, topics directly relating to like vacation, getting away, relaxing on a beach, that kind of thing. Boat drinks, sailing.

And you may think you know what it is from this. Trust me, you don't. It's weird. But the good news is you're not going to have to wait too long to listen to it. So if all goes according to plan. So just send those questions and put in the subject line. It's about vacations. So we know we can find it.

Shmanners is going to be... Shanners is the etiquette show I do with my wife Teresa. We're going to be at Moontower Comedy Festival on... My wife. My wife. April 18th in Austin, Texas. You can find out about tickets at bit.ly slash Moontower Shmanners. S-H-M-A-N-N-E-R-S.

Also, just because we haven't mentioned it in a while, we're doing a graphic novel of the first arc of the Adventure Zone Balance. You can find out about that at theadventurezonecomic.com. Let's wrap it up. Thanks to John Rodgerick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song. It's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. It's a very good album. Thank you to Max Fun for having us on the network.

You can go to maximumfun.org and check out a bunch of great shows there. Shows like Beef and Dairy Network and Tights and Fights and One Bad Mother. And a whole bunch of others all at maximumfun.org. You can see other stuff that we do, including video stuff at McElroyshows.com. While you're there, look at our live show Slate and come see us. How about a final? Yahoo? Yes.

So I'm saying by Merritt Palmer. Thank you, Merritt. Great submissions this week. It's by Yahoo Answers User Anonymous. Someone to call him. Horatio asks, Can you get two drinks at once at Red Lobster? When we're just McElroy.

I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad. Square on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

Listener supported. Hey. My name is Jonah Ray. You might have seen me on the latest season of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 or heard me on the Nerdist podcast. Well, I got a new podcast that's about five years old, but we're moving it over to Max Fun along with my friend Cash Hartzell. Hey, everybody.

I'm out of the friend Neil. Hi, Neil. So it's a music podcast where a lot of people just kind of hang out and talk about music, but so much more. We also take submissions and so you could hear your band or our music. Or both. Or both of it. You could listen to your band play your music.

Yeah. So tune in. Why don't you, you could find out about some new bands and maybe just hear us embarrass ourselves as we drink too much. Not too much. Well, it's all perspective, isn't it? Sure is.