My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 403: Hot Dog Wine

Episode Date: April 23, 2018

Hot dang, what a fancy episode this is. Put on your best cotillion garb before popping in the earbuds on this one -- we would hate for you to feel underdressed. Maybe toss on a brooch or two -- the NICE ones, you know? Suggested talking points: Nuclear Family Guy, Defeating the Tower of Terror, Public Porch, Fancy Wieners, Celebrity Wine: Why Not?, Five Blades, I Will Vacuum Your House for Twenty Dollars

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello, and welcome to My Brother, My Brother Me, and it's an advice show for the Modgeran era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother in 30 under 30 media luminary Griffin McElroy. Justin, for a second, it kind of sounded like you were starting with a Yakov Smirnoff thing there.

Hello, America. Is that still topical Yakov Smirnoff? My name is Chester Bangleton. I come from other countries. I guess the follow-up question is it also now deeply problematic and maybe has it always been? Huge and wildly. Daffo. Oh, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, but his show is like so wildly patriotic and so incredibly xenophobic. It's weirdly very xenophobic. It's like he got in and he was like, that is it, everybody. I'm the last one. Nobody else different. I'm the last one. Everybody else. Yakov Smirnoff looks at Borat and he's like, that's too far. Yeah. You've gone too far. Way to ruin it for the rest of us. Becoming Dracula a little bit. So sorry that we missed the day of days. We tried to come out with an episode on every 420 and honestly, y'all, we just couldn't

get it done. I tried to do April 20th episode, but then I got high. And that's when we could have done. It is when we could have done, but we did. Do y'all remember that song is all about responsibilities this person had? But they didn't end up doing them. It's a cautionary tale. It's a cautionary tale and it's really a powerful anti-drug message if you think about it because it's like I was supposed to pay my rent and then I got high and then I got evicted from my apartment and lost my job. I was supposed to read at the library to kids, but then I got high. Yeah, I was supposed to take my heart medicine, but then I got high and I died teens. And now I'm a ghost warning you from beyond the grave. I know the cush is fun. But then I got high. A lot of people

are excited for the episode we got coming up here in about 17 episodes because it will be the 420th episode and I don't know how to start laying the groundwork to not disappoint those people because of how just how profoundly detached we are from... I feel like to make a weird pop culture poll it kind of feels like in Buffy the Vampire Slayer when the demons like don't celebrate Halloween because it's so cliche. I feel like for our 420th episode we should just make it devoid of any jokes about dank nugs and blunts. Alternative idea and I had this last night and I was thinking about it. We instead of putting up a proper episode just take all the audio out of an episode of Family Guy and put that up instead. Justin, you know some things about

entertainment law. If I put up just 23 tight minutes of Stewie and Brian just thinking about these two clowns makes me start rolling even when I'm not on the cush. It's a great question Griffin. You can do that. The one issue you do need to be careful of is you got to make sure you have the audio from the commercials in there as well because that's the only way it counts for them towards that money and that's Seth's money guys. Hey guys I'm not here to take Seth's money that's his money so you got to leave the commercials in it on that one. Let me ask you a question what if instead of just straight taking all the audio from one episode we did a super cut of an hour of all of the like uh and ur sounds from a bunch of episodes of Family Guy. Oh a Family

Guy. I kind of thought you were gonna say our podcast because there's a lot of source missing. No no no all Family Guy and you just hear all the different voices and most of them Seth and you just hear all the uh. What if we did just one episode of my Ben Bam where each of us brought an episode of Family Guy and just tried to recap it as much as we could. Like a book report? Yeah a book report and we could talk about all the great cutaway jokes and we could talk about like the you know the baby trying to kill the mom. Do you think America would listen to a podcast called That Great Family Guy Humor? This is us recapping individual select episodes. Oh we call it Extended Family Guy. That's good Nuclear Family Guy. We'll keep workshopping it.

Um I'm just so sorry we missed. I didn't do really any good weed humor. I tweeted one thing at like 405 on 420 thinking like okay and then in 15 minutes a punchline and then I didn't I didn't. I forgot. Then I got high. I was gonna tweet something so funny but then I got high. Snoop on the evening of 419 tweeted don't forget to leave milk and cookies out for me tonight. That's pretty good. It was I had a very good chortle. We leave it to the professionals, the professionals who know where weed even comes from. Thank you. The ground from Gaia. It comes from Gaia. I keep telling everybody it's natural. Even John Boehner now is on the crazy wave. Does he party? Yeah now he's in the industry. He's in the biz now. I'm so worried that someday

when she is much much older and understands language that BB is gonna write a tell all book that reveals my horrible secret that I don't know where to get weed from and most of these jokes are based on nothing. I'm just so afraid that everyone's gonna find out my nasty truth that I didn't do as much drugs as I said I did. And I don't know where it came from this idea or why every time anyone sees the number 420 in the wild or on the same topic the number 69 in the wild and they make sure to snap a pic and send it to me because both those numbers are not numbers that I'm reflect the core of my being. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. That's the thing is the macro brothers we don't celebrate a lot of artifice and like the

only artifice and irony we have is that we are cool. Is that we think that we are edgy in any sort of way. In any sense. Like I'm almost to the point where I could get it from my glaucoma. Like that's about where I'm at on the on the scale. So let's let's let's help some people. Oh by the way Texas if you came out last weekend is that was it last weekend? Yeah. Yes. Last weekend. Thank you. That was very fun. You were all good eggs. And thank you to everybody who came to the the Moon Tower show the Shmanners Moon Tower. Oh that was good. Oh it was so good. Good. It was amazing. Do you think maybe we could open with the Yahoo because I got four Yahoo's this week that are all club bangers. I'm very

excited about this one is sent in by Adrian Cowles who is so deep in the game right now just like crushing it crushing it crushing it. Thank you so much Adrian. Well on their way to earning a nickname perhaps or tagline. Getting there. It's by Yahoo Answers user Nick a 0 7 who asks how do I be brave on the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror. Well good news. It's not that anymore now it's the Guardians of the Galaxy prison breaking stream. Not in Florida baby. Oh really. Yeah. It's still a big drop right. Still a big scary drop and I don't think. Yeah but now there's a raccoon sitting next to you holding your hand. Okay well that might help but let's imagine that wasn't true. This will be

my first time going on a drop tower ride especially at Walt Disney World's Hollywood Studios. Is that what it's called. I felt like I don't want to go on it because I'm scared and I am tired of being scared but my mom's said she's going on it but her back hurts. I'm worried something could happen to her if I don't go on with her IDK. What to do when the time comes what should I do. Should I go on with her or not. How do I be brave for this ride. How do I feel safe. I am just afraid what it will feel like when I float off my seat in the air when dropping. I do worry too much. Seriously I need help. Okay wait we'll get to that in a second. What is this person thing that they are going to do to help their mother's back while they're there. Just hold the spine. Hold the

spine upright while the drop is happening and try to cushion the tailbone when the ground hits. I think it's wild that this is a ride where you plummet 10 stories and then come to an immediate zero miles an hour stop. Yeah by hitting the ground. It's extremely dangerous and I guess like hey you know what I just figured out where they get all the fucking ghosts from and it's the former riders of the ride so it's cool that Disney World has two exits really if you think about it the main one in front of Mickey's castle and then the Tower of Terror which is sort of a more permanent exit. I'll tell you what not to do. This is just this is if you're asking me about Tower of Terror etiquette. Not etiquette fear. But I'm going to tell you what not to do. I went on

the Tower of Terror. Teresa and I went and it kind of hovers at the top for a second before plummeting to your death. Hovers at the top and just before it dropped somebody let out a blood curdling scream before it dropped and everybody's emotional like emotional ride was ruined by that because everybody just turned around and went and then it dropped. I thought you were going to say they let out a blood curdling toot which might be nice actually because somebody toots and you're like oh who did what at least I'm falling out of the fart cloud. So that could be something you could be grateful for the drop because it's like oh Mickey get me out of this fart cloud. It is Mickey right who does it pulls the droplet over. Yeah. He appears out of nowhere. He's like

I'm here. Goodbye. You're fucked. He's out. Hold on to your mom's back. Don't forget to hold your mom's back. Toodles bring me the hemorrhoid donut. Toodles for your mom's back. I got this one Rod. This is how I get my kicks. Be careful my mom's spine telescope on this one. Now which one was that? Who was that Griff? That was Donald. Oh now here's here's how Donald went. Oh please give me Donald. That would be actually my career. Oh my god. Drop it. Drop it. Drop it. I can't kill me. Escape Donald. The ride. Is it possible to do you know how to make Twilight Zone Tower of Terror a hundred thousand times scary here? What? If one out of every 20

rides or maybe it's 50-50 it just operates like a normal functioning elevator. That would be good. It takes you up to the top and then it's like here we go and then it slowly lowers you back down to the ground and you get a little you get a little speech about expectations and disappointment but then you don't know which one you're gonna get right? I just made it scarier they're not less scary which is what this person asked for. Griffin how about this right? 50-50 one time it operates like a normal elevator which is it starts to drop but then it opens on like every other floor and someone goes oh you know what I'll give the next one and like so it's just kind of like oh we did and you keep thinking the drop is coming and just like Skrillex you got to wait for that drop and it

never comes. Oh I mean if I can't stop thinking of ways to make it scarier but I'm thinking about my own sort of real life elevator fears and obviously getting stuck is bad that's one way to make it scarier is if it also sometimes just like stopped but what if the door's open on one floor and there was a big family all with a bunch of suitcases and you knew they were gonna try to all squeeze on the elevator. Listen to this one listen to this joke I got what if on one floor it opened up and there was a guy and he was in a suit and his suit just had a bunch of summer squashes on it and his name was Reginald Q summer squash and he kind of did his thing. Now what's his thing? What's his thing juice? Can you describe the? Exactly. Oh he's his own thing.

I'm really glad you said that Justin because I was gonna make a goof about like you're on the elevator and you know you have to get somewhere important but a whole bunch of like people and like that just got out of the pool and are still like dripping wet get on and you're trying but but your thing about someone in a let me get this again uh summer squash suit was that it? Yeah now is he is he by himself? Uh no there are two sort of spooky entities with him to be decided I gotta say this does remind me of a Saturday Night Live bit with yeah well it was very similar go to bed early on Saturdays typically got a newborn so the bit was called Gilly oh okay yeah that was back for head kids Gilly you unloved child I'll take I'll scoop up Gilly

if no one else here will love the Gilly sketch I will take care of Gilly please climb into my satchel Gilly I'll carry you through the wasteland I'm here for you the sketch Gilly my favorite on Saturday Night Live is when someone's doing an impression of somebody that person actually shows up how embarrassing how could you do this oh how did you not know that Hillary Clinton was right there you didn't know Catherine McKinnon was doing an impression of her but then the actual healers showed up how awkward Catherine McKinnon is she your third grade teacher like are you all that formal of a basis yes McKinnon you think I'm just gonna be all chummy and okay take what's up special okay um how about a question I recently made some new

acquaintances who lived just a few blocks away from me my friend and I were recently at their place working on a project and we commented on their beautiful and enclosed porch to which they replied oh yeah you're free to use it anytime even if we're not at home oh oh oh I was shocked by this offer but laughed it off as if they're just joking however my friend said she planned to drop by and knit on their porch later this week with their work am I right in not hanging out in the home of someone I don't know very well when they're not there or am I missing out that's from porch squad or in Portland this is okay acceptable okay it's clearly unacceptable because we could get into a debate about where does house start for me I feel uncomfortable walking in front of people's

houses on the sidewalk sometimes because if they're kids go out there new chalk drawings on it it's that's that's house baby I sometimes feel weird driving by a house and looking at it too long um yeah and then your little gold tooth shines and sparkles because you're planning to steal all their treasures oh oh the idea of someone I just feel 24-7 someone assumes I'm casing the joint yeah for sure um so I think we could get into a debate about if porch's house except for the fact that it is an enclosed porch and when you put walls around it hey gang when you put walls around it that's a house baby yeah this is true think about the difference between garage and driveway right that is basically driveway outside oh garage inside that's a house that's a house and now

that's a house if I took my kitchen and did sort of a open concept that's not what the term traditionally means but I knocked down all the walls in the kitchen and put up screens instead so that everybody could smell all the great pies and cookies I'm always making um then that's still house do you know what I mean um you can't just go in someone's house when they're not there end of end of end of discussion it feels like right is there a discussion to be had if you do have the direct the person did directly say feel free use my porch whenever except I did do this in college though I would go to Jason Eldridge's house and we would all use sit on his porch and use his grill even if he wasn't at home and he was always at home so this is

theoretical but if he wasn't at home if he was at at rb's or office depot or something then we would just you sit on his porch but I was younger then it was yeah that was time I I think there's an exception to be carved out for like weed and everquest dens which is kind of what Jason's house was I feel like for you guys where it was at that point it's more of a community space it's more of like a neighborhood like 18 to 24 what what we would traditionally think out of as a hangout yeah it's your peach family home yes um it's uh it's a it's a it's a it's a non-starter how do you hit let me hit you with this how do you garen fucking tea that they're not home because you gotta be sure I'm talking about you need to break an inter first just to make sure

nobody's home and then you know lock the lock the doors up as you're leaving and then you can hang out on the porch because can you imagine hanging out on the porch and then somebody walks outside like what the fuck are you doing all right griffin I'd I'd rather have that than for me to be sitting on the porch when somebody comes home from work and they've had like a terrible day at work or like their boss yelled at them yeah and they didn't like didn't get their shit done and it's just like hey buddy just me reading on your porch drinking some lemonade you sure do look rough and it's just like get the fuck out of here this is my fucking castle eventually you're right Travis if you do this every day eventually there will come a day when they're like get off my porch I need this

porch today this is important right now did you did you schedule this I hung up I hung up a thing and it says mine on every day get out the reason I couldn't do this is because it's not at my house I'm like a toddler with the number of accessories that I require what if I got there and I realized that my Pepsi max because it was in a useless 20 ounce plastic bottle got warm because all plastic bottles do instantly the second you take them out of refrigeration it got warm and now I have a warm drink what do I do now well I guess I drive home I guess now I have to get in my car and drive back to my house um also the problem is that they invited you to use the porch so if you don't use the porch it's going to be rude you got to do something pretty heinous on that porch to

get that invite revoked do you know what I mean and then and then you won't have this problem anymore so I don't know what that looks like I don't know if that means leaving a bunch of ham slices all over um I don't know if it means leaving a bunch of roast beef slices all over I don't know if it means like hiding pepperonis unless unless you start making improvements to the porch because Justin's made me think like maybe you set up like a mini fridge out there right you make enough improvements until now it's fair use and it's our it's our porch I've remixed it fair use it's a fair use porch yeah that could be good what if you buy me a mini fridge I hate and then I can't just I was gonna get a mini fridge next week now you've bought me one I hate and I can't justify

it I'm stuck with this one it's got room for half a coke you get the other half sticks out the top of it it only cools the bottom half of the can of coke why did you get this terrible fridge it was on sale there's three baby teeth in it like what is this use was this someone was storing baby teeth in it only goes half a coke Maytag has a new fridge and they put the baby teeth right in there because it's supposedly soaked up this tank really good I don't know if you ever smelled the baby tooth before but good god yes rough this yahoo was sent in by Graham Robuck thank you Graham it's yahoo answers user question mark uh who asks how do you let me read a voice fun how do you eat a hot dog in a fancy way and then there's a picture of a hot dog

just for reference yeah it's a big Frank big thick Frank with Francis with a line of mustard on it how do you uh excuse me I'm going to the marina later and so some of my fellow business I don't even know what like fancy people sound like maybe it's like Downton Abbey but episode where they all crush some dogs yeah I mean so like Matthew comes in he's like uh uncle look what I've discovered from the Americas there's like like our sausages but they don't taste like any sort of discernible thing and they call them a weeners they call them weeners like a dick uncle so I've invited the duchess over for dogs and um I'm trying to figure out how not to get mustard on my fancy boy gloves and uh I've tried biting into one of them and it expressed a juice that managed

to get all over my frock and so uncle uncle help me eat the hot dog in a fancy way there's no scene in Downton Abbey that would not be improved by one or more of the characters enjoying a hot dog it's just continued what it just once there was a really dramatic like you've lost it all how could and as it panned across there's just a servant sitting in a chair sitting there eating a hot dog just as it like just just kind of goes past in a tracking shot and you was like wait hold on what rewind is that the underbutler just eating a hot dog I think that guy's eating a hot this lady crawly eating oh my god it's a hot dog she's got like five of them on a paper plate that's the episode she's a she's an American and so she can eat the dogs and bring them all in and

she'd be like oh you guys are gonna love this I don't know it looks like one of our sausages but it stinks a lot she's got like a paper plate of hot dogs and like a two liter of like store brand root beer and like that's it that's it and then maybe the servants are all eating it and all the rich people are like I would never eat the hot dog a hot dog but then you've heated the dog it stinks so bad why do I want to eat it and watch baseball and then they all do and then they're like you know what pours maybe we have more in common than I initially thought now hand me a do we drink the hot dog water what do we do with the with the water leftover from the hot dog maybe more tubular meat give me a split bun and some tubular meat and then they decide that only they can have hot dogs

and they don't let the servants have the video war because you can have this lobster and filet mignon give me another one of those round boys and then there's an episode because the uh their own lord Grantham is only eating hot dogs and it's been three weeks he just loves him so much but it's the only thing he'll put into his body so he's become racked with illness and then world war two happens and there's no more hot dogs they gotta send all their hot dogs to the war titanic sink there were 20 tons of hot dogs on the titanic no did someone think of the hot dogs all of those round boys at the bottom of the ocean get eaten by those fish how much better would titanic abandon if at the end an old woman threw a hot dog into the ocean and you watched it

for 40 minutes as it disintegrated in the water and then it sunk and it landed on the jewel of the ocean the heart of the ocean how do you eat a hot dog in a fancy way uh if i ever saw somebody with a knife and fork i would call the police so that's out that's out i think you dip it in water to help you eat it faster that's what could be i'm sorry you've watched joey chest not do his work and then you thought wow what a fancy fucking what a fancy bully you thought that i think this way griffin right how the have you ever been impressed by someone eating hot dogs outside of a hot dog eating competition no but i've never watched a hot dog eating competition and thought anybody there was fancy in any well it depends on how you define fancy doesn't it because yeah if you're

talking fucking down nabby no but if you're talking like skateboard trick fancy if there's no fancy way to eat a hot dog then the best you can do is get it over with quickly so you have more time for like catillion classes or what the fuck ever i see so if you blaze through the dogs then okay then it's like you're you have plenty of time to go like you know polish your shoes or yes if you pair the hot dog eating with a fancy thing if a whoa okay the meat might not be fancy but boy this uh name a line name a line name anyone the chardonnay that we you pair with chardonnay you would not oh hot dog with chardonnay justin i just wanted to say i googled hot dog wine and the the top result

is the marshal hall of fame cafe in hunting for jr i don't know if they have a dish don't boil it in water boil those wieners in wine yes oh these franks will get you fucked dog oh my god these are these are griffin macroys 100 alcoholic hot dogs you're gonna love these i bet the dave matthews band wine pairs really nicely with a hot dog if you're gonna frank down i think maybe have some of the dave matthews band wine that would be so good or maybe some of um some of stings wine yeah wait can we go back to dave matthews band wine because i just got there and it's uh you it'll drink you under the table and dreaming thank you there it is yeah it took me it took me a second but i want to circle back okay good job those are many fancy ways of being a

hot dog and now i would welcome you all right this way through the adjoining chamber into here the money zone for cigars and brandy and hot dogs i want to tell you about casper didn't do it coward one supports my brother my brother and me but also supports you while you sleep i have a casper mattress i sleep on it when i this is very good yeah listen this is not a joke when we tour i love getting out there seeing the fans doing our goops hitting the road but you know what i don't love being away from my casper mattress now here's the thing you're thinking oh this sounds too good to be true it must be super expensive no no no they offer affordable prices because casper cuts out

the middleman and sells directly to the consumer it's a great deal and a great mattress they combine multiple supportive memory phones for quality sleep service with the right amount and you're thinking oh what right amount of sink or bounce no no no both sink and bounce and you can be sure of your purchase because casper's 100 night risk-free sleep audit trial right now you can get $50 towards select mattresses by visiting casper.com slash my brother and using the coupon code my brother all one word at checkout terms and conditions apply casper.com slash my brother promo code my brother all one word can i tell you about audible do you use audible as much as i do because i use it i probably i use it more i probably use it most how much you use it go ahead

justin i love audible they have lots of books that you can listen to and it's much better than podcasts because at the end of listening to a podcast you're like uh fine at the end of listening to a book you're like i'm better i'm i've grown i'm i'm a better person now audible has an unmatched selection of audiobook and spoken word audio products audible is the internet's leading provider of spoken word entertainment they're great for helping you be a better you whether you want to feel healthier get motivated or learn something new um our listeners might enjoy what am i listening to right now um i don't know you just set up that reading books makes you better and so good luck can you find one one well i just wanted to pick one to highlight um i know but it's gotta be a book

that when you read it it makes you know what's so good that i just finished actually uh jake jillon hall reads the great gatsby oh so good he does an amazing reading of it uh i read it did i read it just so i could listen to the book club episode of flow for the magic time no yes but jake jillon hall does a magnificent job with that um can i recommend one yeah um i really liked um vincent dinofrio reads guy fieri family food 125 real deal recipes kitchen tested home approved man Griffin i gotta go get a fucking towel to clean my computer you dick you got him um let me recommend a whole bunch i recommend uh stiff the curious lives of human cadavers by mary roach it's very educational um allison rosen just put out a book that's available tropical attire encouraged

and other uh other phrases that scare me is very good i just accidentally played it and you can find basically i think all of the puoro novel that the agatha christie's puoro novels read by hugh frazier uh who who was in the puoro uh masterpiece theater series it's really good highly recommend um i actually have another i have a real one hey um hey literally time out stop the show because i have to stop this recording so i can clean my computer oh god covered in coffee because you're dumb ass dumb garbage i actually i have a real recommendation if i can do it okay because i might own as a joke but i think the audible would appreciate it more if i gave a real recommendation now we just stopped for five minutes so i could clean myself no this one's not a

joke this one's not a joke so it's not gonna make you laugh so hard you spill your coffee for me to go ahead and get some call yeah get big thanks i'm just getting some coffee yeah hold it in your hands so what i want to recommend is actually so uh maggie smith from dot nabby it's funny we were just talking about it did a reading of guy fairy family food 125 real deal recipes kitchen test at home proof that was really good and she uh reads it uh trash case she does the the trash can nachos will move you to uh tears and diarrhea okay let's end on a real one because i was really excited when i found this uh the series of unfortunate events series read by guy fairy it's really good by tim curry oh that's even better yeah is that real yeah it rules anyway

audible's offering our listeners a free 30 day trial membership get a free audiobook with a 30 day trial today by signing up go to audible.com slash my brother or text my brother to 500 500 to get started and i read that last bit so i think travis should read the first jumbo tron here okay this is for joe and it's from kandace hi boobles yeah that's right i said boobles i'm sending my message of love and caring out on the airways for the cutest babe ever love your sweet sweet girlfriend kandace um deal with it deal with it handle why did i take such an aggressive tone i don't know boobles read with that and now i've now i've said it but read with that sort of um that that fury that passion it was really something to behold i think

maybe it's uh that's right because it kind of reads as if someone just said what did you say and i was like yeah that's right i heard you read that trip but i thought this is the episode's gonna get us the webby here's a yahoo nope here's a jumbo tron yeah uh here's a jumbo tron for zack and it's from fred the human kaz elden toss cobble donara neth goria rip and morneal who say this is the unskippable cutscene where you get a jumbo tron so don't jump in a portable hole and fly away on a spectral horse what's this what are they talking about it's so fanciful a portable hole it's magic and fanciful i feel like i'm in a real harry potter book thanks for putting up with us and for introducing most of us to dnd and taz happy whatever holiday is closest to win the macros

read this so earth day welcome to earth welcome to earth day day um what if he had said that because it was earth day when it happened welcome to earth day welcome to earth day or what if he had punched me and said like welcome to good burger i'm with a good burger what if you kissed him instead i have something i'd like you two to read it's called why if you kiss him instead let me do this one this is for ryan w and josey g from alphazore josey you almost crashed a car because the tower was too dang tall and then you used shelby's towel i hope no student of yours yo teaches you and i'm lucky to be your friend happy b day ryan happy b day and thanks for being such a great brother i'm really proud of you and i love you a lot i just wish you listened

to my bim bam so you could hear just screaming at the night sky brother brother i communicate to you through podcasts you don't listen to welcome everyone to the live wrestling spectacular in los angeles so far the world's most boring wrestling podcast has been just drawing the competition isn't there anyone who can save us from this travesty wait could it be it's titan fights the perfect wrestling podcast titan fights is here to save us from the monotony of boring wrestling podcasts with alluring's conversations woke trips through the history of wrestling and joked about the finer points of people wearing spandex what a match and the titan fights podcast will be back every week

thursday's on maximumfund.org or wherever you get podcasts please these hosts have families titan fights podcast titan fights excuse me gentlemen i have a game a very fun game a new bit there's a new bit it's a new game i think we can only play it once i don't know if it's gonna be recurring it might you know what we could probably play more than once uh i am going to do you think ellen do you think ellen said the same thing like i've got a dance i've got this i'm gonna dance once we'll see you think jimmy fallon was like i'm gonna do a game with you dwayne the rock johnson but this is the only one so don't ask me to do any more games no this is a

game that i'm going to play with you uh this is called celebrity wine why not okay that's the name of the game is celebrity wine why not okay and you can spell it however you think is like funniest i'm not a big pun guy but i'm going to name some celebrity wines and their score from wine enthusiasts their rating from wine enthusiasts what's that scale go up to a hundred it is a scale of a hundred and like straight i'm just gonna be straight with you there is no wine on this that rates below 82 points oh so i'm i'm so it's like 82 to a hundred how bad do you think your wine would have to be to get like a one would it just be like water and like dirty water i think coke coke zero gets a one not wine all disqualify give you some sense of what we're talking about how limited the scale is

here we're actually talking about 82 to 95 is the is this scale if it's 82 it fucking sucks like we can all agree they're on the the video game review scale if it's an 82 it's fucking garbage so i'm gonna have you here's the game i'm gonna give you a uh i have a list of celebrities that i'm going to share with you boys right now um and you are going to be able to pull from this list we're not gonna show share this with the audience so they can get it'll be a little bit more uh uh fun out of left field for them i think so i'm sharing this list with you and these are all the celebrities uh that are in in my list here so i am going to tell you the name of the wine uh huh you're going to tell me the celebrity and then you're gonna guess the score okay okay yes are you ready yes some of

these will be easier than others the name of this wine is 2007 discovery series chardonnay that's mike dick is no mike dick is is because my dick is football touchdown juice i'm going to say drew berrymore it does you're both incorrect it's dan acroyd dan acroyd made the 2007 discovery series chardonnay from sonoma county wine enthusiasts gave it a uh i'm gonna say it's it's not i'm gonna say 83 not good 87 holy shit griffin macaroy 83 it's it's one step above toilet wine it is 83 exactly oh yeah you got the exact right thing so guessed it so where do you go wrong what'd you do bad you made a lot it's tart and jammy with acidic one-dimensional flavors and pineapples vanilla's and butterscotch now i will say this i don't think if you're flake i don't

want to call wine enthusiasts on their bullshit but you can't say it's got one-dimensional flavors of pineapples vanilla and butterscotch because it sounds like dan has summed it up at least three discrete flavors yeah but they don't they don't have distance justin there's like two different pineapples like fuck you guys seriously with the 83 though it sounds like my boy dan took some pineapples and like vanilla pudding and butterscotch blended it all up in a food processor and then dumped that into some three buck chuck 83 are you fucking kidding me an 83 betwixt these lips no way no no standards okay uh this i want to do an easier one number 99 ice wine cabernet franc number 99 ice wine you say number 99 ice wine cabernet this is uh this is mr jeffrey gordon

i would also say jeffrey gordon no it's wane gretzky oh is that his number ice wine yeah yeah didn't see that name on the list yeah now name me the score that wane got 99 he did i would say 99 oh it's perfect i'm actually gonna say 89 wane got 92 points from one this is very good ice wine holy shit wane you shouldn't have a medium cherry in color with those of raspberry jam wet stone it's like a wet rock i love it 93 points hey wane your wine tastes like wet rocks and bah bah bah bah i'm loving it thank you wane uh 2014 casadoomettes oh thompson granache from santa barbara county if it's santa barbara i do think this one's drew berry i think it's true very more it's amelio estive as a casadoomettes 2014 thompson granache

from santa barbara county wine enthusiast gives it a 94 uh 86 92 points for amelio the bottling shows very fresh cherry juice and dried roses as well as inviting splashes of dr pepper cola nut what hold on hi i'm a professional wine critic and this tastes like dr pepper hold on who the doctor is in this bottle uh let's do one more um let's do the highest no i don't want to give that away uh here's one chateau de ting 2014 one more one more again and what what's the where's the city of origin i'm going to tell you oh it's uh pinot noir vin de france french chateau de ting 2014 uh and the name of the person is actually in this wine so i can't read the whole name of the wine because that would be cheating okay so one more time

like digga the name of it chateau de ting it's drew drew bloodsauce chateau de ting i'm going to say wait can i change one i'm gonna say gerard de pardu i'm gonna guess boss gag it is chateau de ting 2014 gerard de pardu pinot noir yes vin de france wine enthusiast gives it a 87 82 holy shit travis macaroy 87 points with its attractive red fruit flavors this is a light perfumed wine travis just got the name of gerard de pardu's wine as well as the exact score i don't know if we'll bring this back what's boss gag's fucking wine called i need to know i need to know the band train swine boss gag's skag's vineyard it sounds like a fucking like like a zone in a post-apocalyptic game 2008 montage uh gsm so it's a blend uh i bet that means i don't actually know um

boss skag's leftovers i didn't finish these bottles so i put them all in one you see a bottle on the shelf it says skag's vineyard you open it up it's 2008 you open it up you taste it what kind of score are you gonna give it i know it's not on the scale but 74 travis 93 well boys it is a 95 the highest rated the greatest celebrity wine is from boss skag's it's a array for wine enthusiasts extraordinarily decadent monteverre ganache and syrah blend so it is a blend good for me currently among the best in california from boss skag's wow the best at wine the best at playing lido shuffle boss skag's wow okay give me the band trains wine jesson uh i would travis but i care about you too much to give you the band trains wine because uh it is let's see can i can i can i

guess it's gonna be so much better is it drops of juniper no it's uh it saved me san francisco okay it's the is the wine from the band train uh that of course is named after a song that they did and it's actually an album so they did the album and a song and they said an 82 justin and i guess it's a wine as well it's 86 points the san francisco based roots rockers have a whole line of uh wines based on their songs there's also a petite syrah called drops of jupiter okay that's fine um the wine is dry with a hint of oaky vanilla and buttered toast ew so that's the band trains wine it's very good i don't think i'd ever want to drink wine and be like um toast um it's just like toast just the i yeah i don't want to drink wine that came out of

the brain of train the train brain can i read this yahoo i know it's time for a question but i the yahoo's are so good yeah please i'm sitting by steven titus it's yahoo answers user sorry something's gone wrong call them boz asks how do you describe taking out five blades out of your chest in a book like one of my main characters in the book has got stabbed with five blades in his chest at the same time how do i describe in detail of him taking out of the five blades and what he feels as he takes them out help please update btw he's not human may may i go as if i'm reading what here's one of your trips i want to hear as if i'm reading the audiobook as i'm listening to it on audible.com okay zebular turned to face his attackers what you think this can stop me

he said through his tentacles mouth he began removing the blades sloop came the first one sloop came the second sloop that was the third one sloop that was the fourth sloop the fifth one came out clang he threw them all on the ground clang clang clang clang with the second one clang with the third clang went the fourth sloop went the fifth as he threw it into his attacker's chest killing him instantly take that attacker said zebular or whatever his name was zebular that was very good try this let me try good zeb zebular reached up and grabbed the knife handle of one of the five knives that was in him he pulled it out a little bit ah fuck he's he pulled it out another half inch fuck me seriously he pulled it out another quarter inch god damn it only

three more inches to go he thought to himself and then he let he blacked out from pain and then he woke back up okay i gotta get back to war chapter two yeah another quarter inch came out of the knife and he's like this is it's worse doing it slowly god damn it and so he pulled it out another inch and a half he thought to himself fuck okay well only one more inch and a half to go i uh and then he puked and he's like okay i gotta stop i gotta stop kidding around it's time to get serious it's time to get real and then he said this out loud it's time to get real it's time to get real and then in an instant he drank it out and then and then he finished and then he did that with the other ones began um can i do it yeah yeah yeah hercules jr stood up from the ground and stopped

being dead and smite and smirked looks like you brought five knives to a god fight he took the first blade by a handle and the second blade and it too at the same time as if to show off how power how mighty he is and then the third one came out pretty quick and the fourth one got a little rib and so that one was tricky and then he accidentally put the third one back in i don't know what a twist uh oh he said i'm just gonna leave those there it hurt a great deal even for hercules jr who can't be hurt so it didn't hurt it i'm sorry my backspace key fell off and so i whatever i write it's gotta stay in her i mean here i couldn't even fix that anyway then he got then he fell in love the uh does uh does yahoo the yahoo community have any good ways of describing that um i mean

javik says there's a very good chance he wouldn't be feeling anything anymore even if somehow someone survived five stab wounds to the chest i don't think they're gonna last long if they yank the blades out and let themselves bleed they're not sure that's why he's so he saw that he was like all right i gotta edit this question no it's an edit Travis he saw the first response like ah fuck i should have clarified okay Gretchen Wiener says ouch for normal people they would have died so the person writing this book is like ah fuck maybe it shouldn't be five blades stabbed shoot four maybe four i think i could do four it depends on where that's okay listen question writer is this like four stab wounds to the chest or it's like okay stab my toe here's what it is

update Gretchen Wiener says okay then i got a great idea how about no you don't how what about a lot of blood pouring out but the blood that poured out went back in and then his wound recovered so here's what it would be Hercules jr smirked and pulled all the five blades out with his five mighty arms and threw them down to the ground but evil Hercules knew the job was done look at all your blood he says it's on the ground where the dirt lives Hercules jr smiles uh we'll see about that all five of his wounds open back up real wide and start making a sucking noise and the blood slurp slurp and the blood lifts up off the ground and the five mouths on his body drinks it up and all the blood goes back in him now i'm ready to fight again i'll i hate you evil Hercules

glad i got my blood back now i'm strong for fighting look at how high i can jump the end the end you gotta know when to in your book yep and on a high note that's what i would say thank you yes start i say you gotta start in the middle of the action and you gotta end in the middle of the action evil Hercules side well i'm out of knives those are all my knives i thought i would only need one but i brought five that was the set i got an idea and it only came with the five five knives uh how about another question yeah we've only done one yeah that seems like not enough we should probably do more of those my wife and i recently moved into our first house we keep to ourselves but try to be friendly with the neighbors yesterday one of our neighbors kids came to our

door and asked if he could vacuum our home a bit confused but trying to be a good neighbor we said he could vacuum like a good neighbor vacuum my house it took about 10 minutes and we gave him five dollars what as he left he gave us a handmade business card that said it said i will vacuum your house for twenty dollars now we're living with the shame of underpaying a 12 year old for a service we didn't want or ask for do we owe this kid fifteen dollars if so how do we give him the money help spotless in Seattle this kid i will vacuum your house for twenty dollars this kid had let's just let's just confront this a pocket full of business cards that said i will vacuum your house for and then

fifteen more dollars for however much money you gave him if you gave him fifty dollars he would say for sixty five dollars i will vacuum your whole house and it's a good racket it's a good racket good scam because that's the thing it has to be like an artful dodger like kind of you know the young gang of vacuuming scam artists because what kid just like rolls it's one thing for like i'll i'll mow your lawn or whatever but like i'll vacuum your house that kid probably also stole some of your jewelry put the vacuum into the jewelry box up to all the treasures up i've never thought about this before but if you let your like a kid like mow your lawn and vacuum your house when does this start to like broach into like child labor issues immediately

instantly already the moment you pay them a service for hard hard work so you think this is a sting like this kid if you have him back he's definitely wearing a wire so i appreciate the entrepreneurial ship of of this child right because i used to mow um tommy red's dad's lawn for money that i could spend on hero clicks but i used a manual push mower that didn't accomplish anything it just kind of um just kind of uh mushed just mushed the grass down it mushed the grass down and so one time i went to do it and he said last time did you actually do it and i said yeah i just used a push mower and so it didn't work very well and he said i'm not going to employ you anymore and i said totally got it twenty dollars please

i'll vacuum your house for twenty dollars i will vacuum your house with his push mower i would sell uh i will vacuum your house for twenty dollars uh t-shirt at their merch store i'm fairly sure you could not walk half a block wearing that shirt you would just instantly like yeah yeah yeah come on in come on in please uh this isn't your house and we're not anywhere near your house i know but i really need this service this is a great service i think you might be in the clear because the terms were not agreed upon before right this is not how business cards work it's not it's not it's a business card night invoice you need to be ready for the fact that this kid is going to come back and he's going to offer you this service again and you are going

to need to think of a reason why you said yes the first time but now it's a no from now on we found another cleaner than i used to be we found another child who does it for fifteen so sorry jeremy you got undercut jeremy hit the bricks this is business mark cuban came by with his fifteen dollar house vacuuming service it's a robot you see so it's i'm sorry to say that automation is taking your job jeremy i love twenty dollars don't get me wrong it's a good number it's a good number and if you're a kid it's basically a hundred dollars that is the thing a twenty dollar bill when you're a kid is like a is like blank check twenty dollars oh my gosh well well inflation they'd still be jazzed about it still be psyched out of their fucking minds

yeah probably not a good vacuuming job huh why didn't you ask how much it cost why did you let this kid in your house with no terms discussed that you if you don't ask the kid how much it costs up front you are opening yourself up to a reality in which you're like well what do i owe you and the kids like oh nothing i just wanted to look at all your things and touch them yeah because i'm dirty and i'm nasty or so i owe you and the kids like a hundred and fifty dollars yeah that's all bad like there's no good outcome here where the kid comes into vacuum your house and he's still vacuuming your house like three hours later and you're like awesome okay go that's ten ten minutes i'm not sure he was doing a very good job that's i think he wasn't getting

all the grander stuff it's not a good vacuum job this child did so it may have been a five dollar vacuum job if you want your house vacuum call me i'll do it for 19 twenty twenty five dollars but it'll be cleaned by a man and i will show you how a man cleans a house yeah a child's not gonna do it i'll show you how a man well justin that vacuum cleaner is pretty big are you sure you can whoa yeah it's no problem i'll throw it on my back like a ghost buster and you can get like business cards says like i'll suck this shit out of your house carpet our mom used to put to other people's do this our mom used to put this weird smelly dust carpet fresh carpet fresh do people still do carpet fresh because i feel like i've never seen anybody

else do it i know it used to be a thing where it's like i'm about to vacuum anyway let me throw a bunch of dust on the ground i guarantee carpet fresh is now like asbestos and lead paint where oh for sure like nobody uses no are you kidding me use carpet fresh oh your feet are gonna melt off by the time you're 40 that is gonna do it for us for this week folks folks thank you so much for in uh i was gonna say enjoying but that seems indulging indulging yourself in this pot indulging us yeah that's what i was gonna say thank you for indulging us for this hour uh we hope you have enjoyed yourself uh we are okay so we have a few things to talk about we're gonna try both of them as quick as possible st louis and detroit columbus were also coming to you in may but you

you have come out in a big way and you bought all you bought up all the ding dang tickets if you're in st louis or detroit though and you have some free time on thursday may third or friday mark may fourth uh we're gonna be at the p body opera house in st louis and the masonic temple theater in detroit uh doing our podcast my brother my brother me live on stage and is going to be very fun and we would love it if you would come out and see us their shows are very those shows are very close and uh there's lots of good seats available so please come buy them um there's not like uh infinity tickets there's like a fixed amount in the world it will it might sell out before the the time we do the show so hop on it right now don't wait go get great tickets because

you deserve it and if you go to macro shows dot com slash tours you can get those right now so please come see us again may third may fourth st louis detroit let's do it and send in your questions and make sure to put in the subject line like detroit show or columbus show or st louis show or whatever um also want to say just announced we are going to be on this year's joco cruise joco cruise 2019 uh we are super excited about it and we hope you are super excited about it for yourself i can't i can't stop thinking about the kraken you're worried about the kraken the kraken the vibe then besides yeah i understand big mario we start they start every joker cruise or the sacrifice to the sea okay so that we don't have to worry about it um listen there's not many cabins

available but we're going to be on there with them i'd be giants and our whole family so like come on this fucking cruise already what are you talking about joco joco cruise dot com it's one of the most fun things i've ever done in my life growing in last year's i'm super looking forward to this one jococruz dot com also want to say uh i started a secret society here in synzadani called the synzadani underground society and we are doing a monthly show called the synzadani underground society show or cuss and nice tickets for our april show are on sale now uh they are very close to selling out we're at about 75 sold at this point uh the show comes up saturday april 28th i've got uh five out of town guests coming in and one local and they're pretty great it's

going to be a really great show we had a lot of fun doing the march show i'm not going to tell you who the guests are but trust me it's that's a really good lineup um so if you want to come out to that come to uh go to bit dot ly slash c u s s k e y 2018 cuss key 2018 come to tribes the show and also buy my book justin and sydney are doing a book and that's so exciting and just announced they've been working really hard on it yeah uh sydney sister my sister la taylor who's extremely talented is doing illustrations and it is a book based on our podcast solbones and you can get it at bit dot ly forward slash solbones book and it's a pre-order it's not coming out till october but like please prior prior to this book i worked so hard on it it's so hard to

write a book bit dot ly forward slash solbones book please buy a bunch of copies of it thank you also we got a merch store with some cool new stuff on it and you find a new munch squad pin yeah it's really cool at macroi merch dot com all right that's actually only that's only for april so if you want a munch squad pin go get it right now so you won't get it thanks to maximum fun for having us on the network and thank you to everybody who supported us in the max fund drive go to maximumfund.org check out all the great shows there if you want to see more stuff we do go to macroi shows dot com and thanks to john rogerick in the long winters for the use for our theme song and to departure off the album putting the days to bed dude you want that final yahoo yes it's from

yahoo uh sent in by adrian cowles thank you adrian it's yahoo answers user spandy question mark who asks now back to sandals and non-white socks who thought that up body is just a macroi i'm travis macroi i'm griffin macroi it's been my brother my brother me kiss your dad's we're on the lips maximumfund.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported do you love books want to get more out of all that reading you do i'm bria grant and i'm malario mera join us every thursday on reading glasses where we help you read better reading glasses is a show about book culture teaching you how to enhance your literary life and solve your brookish problems like how do you get

out of a reading slump what's the best book light to use in bed while your partner's trying to sleep where do you hide the bodies of the people who talk while you're trying to read in the basement of my apartment building oh that's a good place let bria and i improve your reading life every thursday on reading glasses maximumfund's new culture podcast learn how to read better