My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 404: Michelangelo's Special Week

Episode Date: May 1, 2018

This is a smart episode, full of smart stuff about art and science! You're gonna feel like you're back in school with an episode like this, because of how smart all of it is. Suggested talking points: Second Boy, Trash Juice, Yahoo Stock Tips, The Good Statue, Time Traveling Horse Advice, The Apple Sweetcrunch, King Hippo

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother made an advice show for the Modgenera. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. I am your sweet baby brother and 30 under 30 media luminary girl from McElroy. Speaking of babies, yes, they done did the thing. There's another royal baby who I saw a lot of

news outlets just simply referring to as second boy, which I thought was really funny. Boy, you're the second boy. Second boy. Can I be third boy? Yeah, yes, you can be the third boy. You can be best boy, key grip. Three boy. Meep, who meeps three boy? I love this new baby. I can't wait for him to reign over all us. I can't wait to follow this baby's every command and die in his beautiful army. I like second boy. I question their decision to have him voiced by Will Arnett. It's like strange. It's a little much. Who even wins in the fight between the boss baby and the king baby? Right. Yeah, because I think boss baby would be like, you know,

hand me my briefcase, but king baby's like dying my army. I also think that the crossover, when they added the minions to work for second boy, that was a little much. What are they even? Little yellow babies. I don't even know. They look like tic-tacs. What's going on there? Yeah, that's up. I do love that they call the future king baby. They named him Ralph. I think that's hysterical. And the way Prince, the prince of him, the dad prince, lowered his sunglasses when he said it is like the baby, oh, he'll be King Ralph. And then he liked. And then the banners dropped, which I thought was pretty cool. It's so good. When I was getting my hair cut, the person cutting my

hair talked to me completely unironically. I thought you were just going to stop there. No, completely unironically at length about the new baby. About second boy. And it seems like that should be against the law because it was a lot of like you could comments like you could tell that they really love each other. And I think it's really nice that the baby is being raised in such a loving environment. And I mean, a lot of different things that I had, a lot of comments that I had to ingest about the baby king. And it seems like unfair cut in that position, right? I'm captive on my hair. Justin, I'm sorry. I just want to clarify, please, King Baby, because Baby King sounds like the King

of babies. Might be. I think that might be how it works. But King Baby is a Kate Beaton book that I don't want to step on Kate's trademark. What have you all brought for the King Baby? I thought maybe we could take a moment here, present him with our gifts. New segment. Hold on. What's your tribute? All right, King. Oh, sweet baby. Happy birthday. Welcome to Earth. You're going to make such a special impact. I brought you something that you don't have over here across the pond. Fishy sheeps. But I'm so sorry for that, King Baby. But anyway, here is my tribute for you. Please do not dragoon me into your crusade. But I did bring you all my old tech decks, and you are going to love these. Maybe daddy can

show you because of Harry. Harry, Harry, you remember? I don't think you remember. Griffin, Harry's the uncle. Who's the daddy? That's William. Bill. King Bill. King Bill. Do you remember doing the flips? Because Harry is the prince uncle. No. Oh, you're right. Okay, let me take it again. Okay. Bill, you remember? Oh, you swallowed him. You swallowed all the tech decks. Oh, no. His guts are skateboarding around to invert ramps off the big intestine. Oh, shoot. Guys, I am so sorry. I shitted up real bad. Travis, what's your tribute? My tribute is myself. I have been working out so that I can defend King Baby. What a sweet boy. Oh, happy birthday, you know? Justin. He's here. What's your tribute? Can you

do the jingles? I can't remember. What's your tribute? Mine's mustard. Yeah, because if the baby may be young for mustard now, but if we start the baby on mustard at 12 months, maybe it's actually six months, we can start with mustard because it's not solid food. If we start the baby with mustard at six months, then by the time he has reached fluency with adulthood, you know what I mean? Then he'll be the one that loves mustard. And I might have a shot at telling these fucking people apart when I am being told about their various exploits. The mustard. It can all be in reference. For me, at least I'll have one fucking touchstone where I can say, is that the mom of the one who loves mustard? Is it the one who loves

mustard's cousin? Is that the son of the one who loves mustard? At least I'll have something that can help me decode. That explains the t-shirt when they presented Royal Baby to the crowds. The t-shirt that said, I'll be your anchor point or King Baby is your constant. That's what the constant in the Royal Family. People over here are just gaga for, even though we threw off their shackles of their rule, they are now ruling our social media and what have you through these extremely important babies that everyone is just gaga over, if you'll pardon the point. Did you not hear me earlier when I said, I say it. I'm reinforcing your bit. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. Oh, King Baby. Oh, what if Dastardly first baby then decides

that they also like mustard, Justin, your whole plan's got kicked out of the doing. No one else can have mustard, period, the end. Good luck enforcing that. Sydney brought something up to me that the only thing I think is interesting about the Royal Family, besides the one who loves mustard, the new baby, who probably does have a name. Prince Mustard. Did you realize that every time they crank out another one, it kicks Harry down? They're not in the lineage. Boy, that's got to be a mixed bag of emotions. I thought about this. Oh, that's cool. So I'm six now. Okay, cool. So it's just the one baby boy and then the baby girl and then this other baby and then great. Y'all too. Nice. I'm not the Duke

of North, North Chinshire anymore. Cool. That's the babies now. Great. Can't wait to see how they run it. So I guess I'll just hand over the paperwork. Great. Here's my scepter, baby. Enjoy. Enjoy. Love that scepter. Excuse me, Harry. Could you scoot down, please? Could you scoot down? There's no more bench. Oh, we'll just pull up a folding chair fee. Harry at the end there, Harry. Thank you. Make some room for me to put this fucking car seat that I pulled out. I'm just going to sit here at our very fancy succession table. I think that maybe like there's but there's benefits to it too. Maybe like every time there's a new royal baby, Prince Harry, like things like, oh, I'm one step closer to being able

to get that face tattoo I've always wanted. You know, like, oh, yeah. There's no chance. Yeah, it's just no chance. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, finally. Oh, I'm so close to just being able to retire. You know what I mean? Because like being a prince for life isn't bad. But if it's like, oh, no, you're going to get the call, man. You're on call. That's a lot of pressure to be ready to king at any point, you know, just take over at any point. It's terrifying. It's too much. And that's it. Okay, shoot. 10 minutes. We did it, everybody. Got 10 minutes out of the royal family. Do not get it twisted. That is going to end up being a tight five and a half by the time. Okay, well, we have recorded for 10 minutes. And honestly, that's all I can do. That's as far as I can.

Is that the whole episode? That's that's basically the entire app. No, we got all kinds of fun stuff. I live on the third and top story of a walk up with one other neighbor sharing the landing outside my door. I do not know these neighbors well, but I've seen them passing. Sometimes they will put a bag of trash outside their door to be taken down later. This does not bother me because I know they have young children. It would be difficult for them to run the trash down every time it's full. Thank you. Occasionally, when I'm taking my own trash down or taking my dog out, I think, oh, I should just grab that and run it down for them. Then I stop and think, no, don't do that. They will go crazy trying to figure out what happened to their trash.

Is that too weird? Or just something a nice neighbor would do? What should I do? That's from Wastebag Weirdo in Washington. First of all, they're not the stupids. So they're not going to think somebody's stolen their trash. And you need to perish that thought. Nobody on earth would ever be upset at their trash going away. And in fact, if you did that to my house, I would name my next child after you. It was going to be Prince Mustard, but I will name them Wastebag Weirdo in Washington if you did this for me. To never touch that trash again, this is such a bad thing because you put out your trash and you set it down, but not in the can. And it's like, oh, I got a date with you later. Don't I? You stinky bag.

I think maybe you take the trash bag and you leave a quarter and you start to develop a whole mythos about the trash fairy. Trash fairy, yeah. I think that a fairy can lift a tooth. A tooth is quite small. I don't think they're going to have the guns to lift up a full bag full of probably diapers, which are the heaviest substance on earth is diapers. Trash gremlins. Trash gremlin could be fun, but then it couldn't be a quarter. It would have to be like a little buggy worm or something. Yeah. A little grubbin. I think you're creating behavior with this that will be damaging to this person in the long run. Because if one time I put my trash outside my

front door and it disappeared, I would never, ever, ever carry my trash down again. Never. You've taught me that somehow it's getting down there. So I would not go through the extra work of taking it all the way down for the rest of my life. Your mind is so good at filling in gaps, especially when those gaps involve touching the trash ever again or doing any work ever. I would just assume that like the police have started doing this for us. Like, oh, yeah, the police have a new service where they'll come into our walk-up and then go up to the third floor and they'll just grab the trash out of there. Thanks. I sure am glad we elected that new mayor really taken care of the truck. I will say that the problem here is if you do this

consistently to Justin's point, if you do this like four times in a row, right? And then on the fifth time you don't, and they open the door and the trash is still there, they're going to be like, oh no, is neighbor person mad at us? I am incapable of not just taking the trash to the can and putting it in there because 100% of the time a trash bag is going to have chicken juice in it and I don't care if you're vegan and it doesn't have chicken juice in it. I don't care if it's just lawn clippings that you did from your apartment where you have inside grass and you put that in a bag and you put it on the floor outside, you're going to have a big chicken juice puddle. It is just the default state of trash. They're going to find the bones and there will be raccoons that are going to

pull bones out of it even if there's not bones. They'll find a bone in there. There's a bone in there somewhere and they're going to find it raccoons. I was just going to say that I've been running a long-term scam on my trash guys where that I bring my adorable children out to thank them every time they come get the trash and that is one because it's just a nice thing to do and it's probably kind of a thankless job all the time. So I like to go out there and say thank you and leave a nice tip around the holidays. I like to take care of them so I can throw progressively weirder things away. Not just weirder but bigger. Every time I don't like, I'll send Charlie out there and we'll wave because I'm afraid to go out by myself because I hate watching their reactions

to see what they think about the things that I've tried to throw away because I'll try to throw away a lot of things that I probably should take somewhere where grown-ups will handle it for me. And when they do a double take, when they do a double take, there's only so many times you can say I know right before you just have to stop doing it. My Christmas tree is the one that I feel. Oh, juice, Justin. Yeah because it's like there's certainly a place those are supposed to go but I don't know where or how so I just put that out there. It's lucky that it comes right after that good old Christmas tip because hopefully that's still fresh in their minds when they think I'll just throw this dead-ass tree in my tree. Do you wrap it up like Laura Palmer? You just

like leave it out there wrapped in plastic. Okay, how about a Yahoo? Thanks. Go ahead. Fish in the percolate. This is from Merritt Palmer. It's from Yahoo Answers user. They're anonymous so I'm going to call them Bob asks. Oh no. Asks. Yes. Is Yahoo a good stock? Sort of an oraboros. Where is this from? When is this from? Oh, that's a good question. A week ago. A week ago? Are you kidding? 1999? Sure buddy, let her rip but keep your finger on the escape hatch. It'll be good forever. So we never talk about the bull and the bear that we like to

wrestle with sometimes that we call the stock market because it can be so exciting and you put your money in and then you see what happens may be good. Nothing ever goes wrong. Sometime it goes wrong. What? Pets.com went bad. Oh, shit. Pets.com did not work out. I haven't checked in a while. I put a lot of money into Pets.com. All right, we'll check. I actually do see, oh, you know what? It just bumped back up. You just made a million dollars and that's every day you did put in a billion dollars though. That's every day on this market that we call stock because it's so exciting and so this person either has many dollars invested in Yahoo and doesn't know how to read the little ticker, which I don't blame them for. It's like, I don't know

what the symbol is for Yahoo. If it's any indication of what their service is actually like, it's just farts. It says like farts, negative a million percent and no money left. But knowing what we know about this service, is Yahoo a good stock? Here's the thing. If you think about it, isn't everything a stock market? Because you're like, you're choosing to invest in friendship or you're choosing to invest in like fandom or you're choosing. So maybe we should look at this as like, is Yahoo answers a good thing for me to invest my time and brainwaves into? Which is no. But then again, we invested in it 404 episodes ago real hard and it's paid off. It's paid off big dividends for us, but I do love the idea of a friend stock market because you used

to be like, how's Terry doing? Actually, that one thought it was a blue chip, way in the red on that one farted right in my car. And so it took a big downturn. The Terry stock sell sell sell get rid of Terry sell Terry. Anybody looking to pick up some Terry I got. I got Terry for dimes on the dollar. Come on. I used to think, Hey, do you want to hang out today, Todd? Oh, I can't. Actually, Chuck bought up on my Terry stock. I got to go and divest. But I heard he got recently some butt surgery. So this one's looking real good. A lot of upswinks in the future. You know how you always see the people running around all haggledy, piggledy on the floor of the stock market, whenever people are talking about it. That's

like the image that you see like everybody going buck wild out there with all like papers in hand and they're yelling about stuff until an upsettingly recent point. I thought that when they sold a stock, they had to find someone to sell it to. I thought that they had to find someone to buy that. I thought that's why they were running around so wild because they were trying to find somebody who would buy the best. I got a hundred Chiquita shares. Anybody like bananas and got kids like bananas. I got you good price. I'm doing trades. If anybody's got one of the Walt Disney World commemorative pens from the like 87 debut season. I got a Pikachu. Anybody need a Pikachu? For Chiquita. I got a hundred Chiquitas.

A hundred Chiquitas for like a Bulbasaur maybe. I don't know how this works. Got a Cadabra. I'm looking for 10 shares of Google. This dude's going to evolve when I trade him. So that's a money earner right there. Justin, if it makes you feel any better, I'm 34. I still don't 100% know what they're doing. This could be fun. So they run around the stock market floor and they got the pieces of paper that I guess have either the stocks on it or an amount of money that they have. And it's just a way of sort of really thin pieces of paper because I think they can't afford like thick paper. Yeah. Yeah. Famously unwealthy. So let's go around and just sort of describe how we think stock market works. And Justin, maybe you can start with it.

Well, I feel like I described how I did think that it went. Yeah. You roll up, you show up, you get out of your fancy car and you walk inside. You have a few slips of paper that I guess say like, you know, yo play basketball and eggs. These are my tree stocks. I want to get into the stock market. Yeah. I call, this is how I understand it. I call somebody who knows somebody that lives in New York and they will go there to buy the Yahoo for me. Yeah. And they'll say like, Justin wants to buy Yahoo. Who's got Yahoo? Who's hitting? Who's got Yahoo to sell? And maybe nobody wants to sell theirs and that's how stock prices go up because everybody wants to have some Yahoo. And then, oh no, things have taken a downward turn. No one wants Yahoo.

No one wants Yahoo. And then it's very easy to find it because everybody's- They're just dropping it on the ground like it's a race track. I thought legitimately that the papers in their hand were the shares. I thought that that was like when people talk about shares. In movies, they open up old boxes and they're like, what? This is a hundred shares of telephones or whatever. Right. I will say how I always thought it worked. Okay. Travis, please. Because you see them and they're like yelling kind of up into the air like, I'll take whatever. I always assume there's like one person who's like writing all that down who's like, slow down,

slow down. What did you say? How much did you- Okay, I'll see if that is a bit- Wait, what did you- Hold on. Who said it first? Everybody get in line or something. What if I go to stock market and I have a slip of paper and I say, y'all is a hot one. I'm looking for a lot of money like $500 and you can get all my shares in apples. And then they see the slip of paper and it says apple in big letters. They're like, yeah, sure. Here's $500. And then I say, thanks. And I take all the bills away from them and then they look at it and it does say apple in big letters, but that there's a small s at the end of it. Because I've just sold them shares in apples, the fruit. And then now I'm $500 richer and nobody

eats fucking apples anymore. Is that legal? Yes. I gotta go then. Here is another question from one of our beloved readers. So my girlfriend goes to college and she is very into geology and rocks at her school. Her geology teacher tried to get her set up on a date with his nephew who was a geologist. She said, no, thank you. I have a boyfriend to which he responded, is your boyfriend a geologist? Didn't think so. Brothers, do I need to fear these rock experts stealing my girlfriend? Must I become a rock expert to keep my four year relationship intact? That's from demolished in Detroit. Yeah. Yeah, you're gonna have to get super into rocks. Yeah, learn about rocks. And we can help you with that limestone.

Baguette. Baguette, big gray. Geodes. Heavy. Small brown. Concrete. Volcano. Volcano rock. The hardest rock there is. Salt is a bunch of delicious rocks, tasty rocks, melt in your mouth rocks. Candy. Candy is not, well rock candy. Yes, thank you. Also those pebbles that kind of look, it's candy that looks like pebbles. The rock. The rock is another one. Rock and roll. Yeah, the music. Blue dream. Maui-waui. Magnets, how do they work? Different strains of satina. I think this helps. Yes. Here's the thing, no one actually knows anything about rocks. How would you even look into a rock? So you could say anything is inside of a rock and no one knows. That is such a good point, Travis. Thank you. Yeah, so like, you could be-

I'm so fucking glad you said that, dude, because it was fucking good. So like, you could like take your girlfriend out on a date to like a canyon or whatever and point and be like, see that? That's full of dead fish or whatever. And like, who the fuck? No, you can't see through rocks. No one's going to find out what's in that rocks. You can say whatever. I think you guys show up to the school and I think you got to pick up the biggest rock they have and I think you need to take a big bite out of it. And then you chew it up. I talk about how big and strong your hands are. You chew it up and you swallow it and you look at it and be like, this is the stuff you guys are into. Okay. And then you- And you shred on the guitar.

And then you leave and then go immediately to the hospital. Oh, time is of the essence. Right, right away. That fraggled rock flavor is such a power move and they're going to love it. That's so good, though. It always looks so good. I get really excited when I'm like down, when I'm kayaking, when I'm hitting the yak and I find a rock that has like a fossil in it. But do you think when a geologist finds out they're like, fuck, this rock is ruined? Yeah. So let's go, let's walk through that step by step if you don't mind Travis. Just parse it. We're ruining it a lot this time. While you're hitting the yak and you see a rock big enough, I guess, to stick out of the water and there's half a tyrannosaur just sort of poking

out of it. You see that often? Well, you know, it's more like you pull your boat over, you pull your yak over to the side and you skip rocks for a couple hours and maybe one in like a thousand has got like a leaf imprint on it. Or a little dinosaur. Or a little dinosaur. Yeah. And then you think, well, I should hold on to this and then you don't. Yeah. I mean, what if you pull out a diamond and you're like, I was looking for limestone and you throw that away because you're such a fucking idiot. Or one time I was eating some oysters and I found a pearl. And I don't know what I did with that. I lost that. Shit, that's a good story, dawg. Am I a good geologist? One easy way to make it seem like you know more about rocks than you

do if you're wanting to maybe not put the time in is try to more frequently point out when something isn't a rock. Oh, you're walking down the street. You see a fire hydrant or grass. Yeah. Or a bird. A bird or maybe a big rock. Oh, no. Don't do it to rocks. Don't do it to rocks. No, not to rocks. Wait, is the statue a rock? Good question. Try to have a statue of Liberty, Big Green Rock, yes or no? Who knows? No, that one's metal. I do know that one. But what about like, you know, that David statue that's made of rock? Is that a rock? Alrighty. They gotta come up with a better name for that David statue, by the way. I know, right? What about like that 70s show? You know what I mean? Just name it something, even if it's like

David presented by Pins Oil or something. Yeah. It's like, just give me some kind of name for it. What about Dave's real proud of his dick? Dave's weiner. Peep Dave's ween. Don't cover up Dave's ween. Fuck it. Peep it. Peep this ween. Keep your fig leaf, which is not a rock, in case you're curious. What if you had a dog made of rocks? Is that a rock or is it a dog? God, that's a good question, Travis. I'm just saying geology's hard. I respect you, geologist. We're finally getting into some smart stuff, which I've obviously been wanting for a long time. It's so nice to give you some science on this one. Y'all, let's get into this. When

Michelangelo was carving the statue of David, probably took a long time, right? Like probably several weeks. Most of that's been on the ween. Well, that's the question. Okay. He finishes arm, torso, head, hair, face, legs. Did he save the ween for last? I'm not saying he was grossed out by it, but did he know his friend Leonardo was talking to him? What do you got going on tomorrow? Did he have even the thought of, well, tomorrow's the weiner day. He had to have some sort of, was it in his Google calendar? Or did he just do it and perish the thought? Not a second thought about it. Or he had to, at least for a second, be like, this is the thing that people are going to be arguing about for a while. I really got to nail this dingus. I'm going to bring one

actual fact into this discussion, and then we can go from there. I know. David, according to Google, according to a quick Google, took two years working constantly to make. Get better jackhammer, dude. Dude, you're working really hard on this. Just to make it out of cheese. Did you lick it and erode it with your spit? What's your deal, Michelangelo? Realistically, it took two years to make. Was there a wiener month? I'm saying, how long do you think he spent on the, was there a whole month where he's, they're like, come to dinner and like, I can't. I have to keep working on this. I wish I could. I wish I could, but I want to make this penis look very good. Tell you what,

you come over, you stare at this penis. If you think it looks done, then I'll come to dinner. But otherwise, let me go back to the lab and let me keep beating this penis with a tiny chisel. And the bush, and the bush too, like he had to, how do you, the rest of it, I get, I want this torso to look fucking cut and it is, ripped, awesome, nips, perfect, everything's great. Wiener, I think he just did it. He'd probably look at his own wiener and just be like, all right, that's a wiener, but the bush, he had to have a moment and again, I'm not stigmatizing, I'm not saying he was like, ooh, gross, a bush, but he had to make a judgment call at some point, he had his chisel, this was probably an entire, this was a week, he had a week where he just

kept moving his chisel up and down the pubis, like, where does it, where do we begin? I've done some quick math. Yeah, the David statue is 17 feet tall, so 17 feet. What? That's much larger than I, how much of that, though, is the fucking pedestal it's staying on? Yeah, well, but it's 17 feet tall divided by 24 months, means that every month he crafted 0.7, so like about three quarters of a foot, right, so nine inches. So yes, I could say that just statistically speaking, there was a wiener month. Okay, so how was your September, Michelangelo? It was, it was intense. Do you think he had a moment after he finished the belly button? And I assume that this is the

way statues work, where you just sort of start at the top and work your way down. Do you think he had a moment after he finished the belly button where he thought, I should just put shorts on this motherfucking guy. I should just give this guy so much easier. If I just just fucking shorts on the, do you, do you think he ever had a moment when he was working on the penis and it got very challenging and irritating after like a couple of weeks in, or he's like, I'm just gonna knock this fucking thing off and draw some shorts on this guy. I'm just, I can't do this right now. I'm just gonna put some fucking shorts on him, or maybe just like got shorts. Just like, how do I get these shorts? I'm just gonna buy shorts

and put them on this motherfucking guy. That's why it took two years because it only took him a year to carve it, but the original version had shorts and everybody came in and go, I don't know about the shorts. And he was like, shizzle those off. Another possibility is that he knew the statue he wanted to make, didn't want to like waste a lot of time on it. So he tried to find a big rock that already had a dick on it. Oh, so like when you whittle and you're like, oh, this is the perfect shape of like a bear in a log or whatever. Yeah, this one is, he looked for, this was probably one of the years, him wandering around probably like grease or something, looking for the perfect, the perfect rock, right dimensions, easy density to carve into a fully formed dick just kind of

hanging off the side. And now we're, now that's what I call a statue. And it's good that it wasn't like, it probably wasn't way out on the inside or else David, the final product would be like a dude like leaning backward, arching his back with his wiener stuck way out there like, come at me, which may be a better statue. I would like, I would like someone to now carve a companion statue of Goliath just kind of like, Hey, do you need a second? I'm ready to fight you. But if you wouldn't like put on shorts or whatever, I don't know if you're dressed for battle, my man. On this same website, there's a fact that David, currently you can see he sits under a skylight that was designed just for him in the 19th century by Emilio de Fabri. I bet his friends

never stopped hearing about that fucking window I made, huh? So like, Well, it's sort of a collaboration between me and Michelangelo, if you think about it, because like lighting is so huge in any form of art. So it's like kind of our stat. We know, Emilio. Yeah, it's kind of like, it's kind of like, you know, he took it to the one yard line. Right. And I kind of ran it, ran it through with my great window. So it's kind of like, it was my touchdown. You know, Michelangelo and Emilio's David is one thing. Or maybe if you want to go alphabetical, Emilio and Michelangelo's David, they're still looking for a name for this fucking thing. They should call it Emilio and Michelangelo's David or Emilio's David featuring

Michelangelo and Pitbull because that dude is just on everything. Listen, they don't tell everybody this, but did you guys know that he just found the penis? I don't know if that denigrates the stat. So really, it's Emilio and God's Michelangelo, David with Michelangelo, with special guests and introducing and introducing Michelangelo. Crap. So anyway, yeah, learn about rocks. That'll be good for your relationship. Let's take a break and go to the money. I've got about 25 David dicks on my monitor right now. Yeah, I have been staring at this picture far too long. Can I say beautiful statue. A great statue. It's a really good statue is the one thought that I've had seven times

when we've been doing this. Like, man, that must have been really, I'm having a lot of fun here, sort of dunking on people that are not here anymore to defend themselves with their great statue. But it's like a very good statue. It's like a really good statue. It's like, I don't know how you did it. I'll come to art appreciation with my brother and my brother. This week, Michelangelo is David, a very good statue. Super detailed bush. Next week, next week, starry night, too many stars, maybe or not enough. The hands are just so good. How do you do it? All right, next week, Pinzo presents starry night. Okay, now it is actually time for the lesson.

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you get a seven day free trial. How many magazines can you read in that seven days? I don't know. You tell me probably a lot. To start your free trial, go to Texture.com slash my brother to start reading the latest issues of your favorite magazines today. That's Texture.com slash my brother. You don't want a bunch of magazines around. You can just have them all in one app and read. There's a lot of great writing. There's a lot of great journalism and photography happening in magazines today. And I don't think that you should have to have them stacking up around your house. I think you should just be able to look at them on an app. And you're going to get pissed on the real physical magazines. Thank you. Yes. Finally, somebody said it. So Texture.com slash my brother.

Piss on your iPad. You just wipe it right off. Yep. Not a big deal. One of Steve's biggest priorities on that product. Piss proof. Not even a big thing. My brother, my brother means also supported in part by away makers of first class luggage at a coach price. I have an away suitcase and I adore it. It has solid metal body. You put stuff in there. It ain't going nowhere. It's got those cool things where you can zip to close one of the interior chambers completely and hold your clothes down. And there's straps to help keep your shit organized. There's a little bag that floats around on the inside that you can roll up and put all your toiletries in. And that's nice. And it has a little USB charger thing that you can slot in. It's really slick.

They use high quality materials while offering a much lower price by cutting out the middleman and selling directly to you. The interior features a patent pending compression system helpful for overpackers. Away carry ons are able to charge all cell phones, tablets, and anything else that's powered by USB port. A single charge of the away carry on will charge your iPhone five times. There's a lifetime warranty. If anything breaks, they'll fix it or replace it for you for life. For $20 office suitcase, visit away travel.com slash my brother and use the code my brother at checkout. That's away, folks. There it is. Okay. I want to tell you about we'll get it right next year. An adventure in cinema. So is we brought a zoo about the mafia versus the FBI?

A love story between Matt Damon and a Scarlett Johansson gorilla? Scientologists versus zombies in a dystopian run by Big Funeral? Who are we to say what happens? We've never seen it. Michael and Ryan, hosts of the podcast, will get it right next year. Spend a year guessing what happens in a movie using bi-weekly scraps of info from reviews and quotes. It's surprisingly hard to avoid spoilers, and we respectfully ask Griffin to stop referencing the movie. I mean, if it makes you feel any better, I definitely haven't seen it either. So I don't think I'm going to be able to spoil anything, but I can't say one thing, gang. I think it is a movie about purchasing sort of a homebrew zoo. And if that comes as a spoiler to you, I don't know what to

tell you. It's in the fucking name of the movie. So that's we'll get it right next year, an adventure in cinema. It comes out every other Saturday on iTunes, Stitcher, or wherever you get your podcast. It's just like the movie Ratatouille. You know it's about a rat. At one point, he's going to fucking make Ratatouille, and they try to tweet it. It's treated like a big twist ending, and it's like, no, y'all, it's the title of the fucking movie. I mean, there it is. I have a message from Rob, and it's for Sarah, and the message says, hi, lovely. Hope you're having a wonderful birthday. I'm thankful every day that you've chosen to build a life with me and our little rat-looking dog, baby Issy. Please know that you're better than Star Wars, and one day we will wrestle May

forth back from them. In the meantime, let's go eat burritos and watch an anime you want to show me. That's the most beautiful, generous message that I've ever seen. Happy birthday to Sarah. I have a message here. This one's for Joey, and it's from Sam, who says, hey, Joey, happy 28th birthday slash congrats on receiving your PhD. It seems like just yesterday you were driving me to school and forcing me to listen to Will Smith's greatest hits. You should be so fucking lucky. Now you are married, have two adorable dog children, and can give professional advice from your sweet baby sister who is still waiting on her birthday gift. I love you. Just jumbotrons are probably sold out, so never mind. That's the only gift that's worth a shit

these days, and so you miss the boat on that one and don't know what to tell you. But maybe a fit bit. Hello. Are you looking for a new comedy podcast? In which case, can I draw your attention to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast? It's a fictional industry podcast for the Beef and Dairy Industries. It won Best Comedy at the 2017 British Podcast Awards, and it features wonderful guests, such as Greg Davis. To my knowledge, it's the only cow circus that's ever existed in this country. In rural Russia, every small town has a cow circus. Josie Long. You should have a beef. Have a beef with them. I have a beef with you. I will have a beef with you. Come round my house, and I'll have a beef with you. And Andy Daly.

That virus never existed. There was never any such thing as a mad cow disease. That was all an illusion that Big Lam came up with. That's the Beef and Dairy Network podcast. Find us at MaximumFun.org, or wherever you get your podcasts from. And I would recommend starting at episode one. Bye. If I invest in Yahoo stocks and then through this show talk about how good Yahoo is to try and get it doing better, and then I sell it once it's made more money because I did a good job talking about it, is that okay? Is that a legal thing to do? Griffin, that's not a Yahoo answers question. That's just a scam you want to pull. That's me. That's my whole thing right now. Wait, I was going to call that insider trading,

but you don't work at Yahoo, so is that outsider trading? I don't know what any of that means. Okay. Is that what they got Martha Stewart on? That's what they got Martha on. That was actually cocaine. Wait, what? Lots and lots of cocaine. This is a Yahoo that was sent to us by Stacey Trombone, which is fantastic. It's from Yahoo Answers User Question Mark. This website's falling down around my ears. Asks, what are some things you would tell your younger equestrian self? Here's my own list. One, just because the ponies you grew up riding were difficult, it doesn't make you a horse trainer. Wow. Set your goals small. Stop thinking of the ability to jump in big shows when you only jump small courses at home. Yeah. Man, wake up. Patricia,

don't waste money on bling. Think matchy, matchy gear and spend your money on lessons. I like that one a lot. I like that one a lot. No one cares how much shiny metal you and your horse are wearing and matching. If it poops during a run, you got to train that shit out of them. Pay attention when the horse acts up instead of immediately considering it to be training issues. What's the problem? I'm listening. Plan ahead. Whenever everything is going well, be very cautious. Something not only can go wrong, but will go wrong. Yes. That's just a good life lesson. Number six, you don't need a foal. Seven, you don't need a wild horse. Just eight, don't invest in that timeshare. Eight, take the harsh advice other people give you and learn from it

rather than crying about it. Patricia, no matter how good you are at riding, people will always be better than you and that's okay. Ten, don't fall for the cheap prices horses sell for. You will end up spending so much more time money and tears than you would if you had just bought a regular horse. Wait, I want to hear $100. Can we drill down on the tears? We all have ones we want to focus on here because I want to focus on the idea that there will always be someone better riding in you. Statistically, that is not true. There has to be someone in the world who is the best horse rider. Why not you? Yeah, it's me. I can go ahead and say I've got another few decades to kick it on this world, so don't even fucking try it. You don't need a foal.

You don't need a wild horse. Don't buy a cheap horse because the quote, regular horse is going to cost you a bigger upfront investment, but you're going to cry way less. Because if you get a cheap horse, you're going to have to spend so much money fixing it up. It's going to be in the shop more than it's not. Just get a new horse. Don't buy used. But as soon as you walk that new horse off the barn, it's going to lose a lot of value. Especially if you walk it off a barn, it's going to lose a considerable amount of value and so are you. I want to go back and say that I actually think, I think Seabiscuit was a used horse and look at Seabiscuit. Yeah, but how? Okay, yes, Seabiscuit won, but that movie specifically, how much fucking time, money, and tears did Tofer

have to win? That may have been Tofer. Was it Tofer? No, it was not Tofer Grace. No, it was Spider-Man. What's in it? No, I think it was Spider-Man on that one. So Spider-Man could have gotten, I think it could have just been Spider-Man, right? And he could have gotten a regular horse. Tofer McGuire could have gotten a regular horse and then won the race way faster and not had to worry about how many tears he was going to have to produce. Would you rather have one expensive horse or 10 cheap horses? That's a good point, Travis. Did you know that when Tofer was filming the movie, Tofer McGuire was filming the movie, did you know that he thought it was about him? He was very surprised when the movie came out and it was called Seabiscuit because he thought it

was about a movie about a guy who was so good at riding horses that they made a movie about him. So he was actually very surprised that they would make a movie about a horse. You don't think when he showed up and the horse's trailer was bigger than his that he didn't like figure that out? Well, I mean, that one you got to chalk up to just physics. Oh, that's fair. Yeah, the horse has got to have enough room to run around. So what things would you tell your younger equestrian self? I think I'd start out just saying like, don't just try as hard as you can to make your fingers look less like baby carrots. Yeah, that's pretty good. I would say like, hey, that horse is three people in a suit. Well, I've been hurt too many times.

Yeah, I'd rather know that ahead of time and go in eyes open rather than find out after five years. I mean, I got one if you're this if you're this froze up and you may be frozen. I don't have any. I'm sorry. Well, Justin, we all haven't all been perfect equestrian since birth like you. Yeah, I would just to go back. I just don't learn. I just keep doing it the same way I did it when I started, you know, I would go back and I would say, listen, I know Fast and the Furious movies are really hot right now, but don't put nos in the horse. It just doesn't work like that. You think you knew where to put it. And I think in your defense, you put it in the best. If you are going to install a NOS, a nitrous booster system in the horse, I think you probably did it about

as good as you possibly could, but it's just a sort of fundamentally flawed idea. Okay, I do have some one piece of advice. Don't get frustrated with your horse and try to put him on your back so you can show how it's done and loudly announce like, let me show you how it's done and then call over friends and family to say, I'm going to show this horse how it's done and then let the horse get on your back. It's not it's not going to pan out the way that you would would like it to go. I would also say a young equestrian me like, yes, a talking horse seems like a good investment, but after a while, like you and the horse will grow apart and you will find his stories no longer interest you and you probably the same stories over and over again,

but legally you are still required to take care of that horse and it's not even worth it. Just get a regular whispering horse that you can ignore whenever you need to. Listen, young Griffin, it's so important that you don't actually choreograph a dressage routine to Kid Rocks. I'm going to be a cowboy baby because the judges are going to find it pretty distasteful and in the future, you're going to find Kid Rocks sort of politics also pretty distasteful. So that's just a heads up. Also sell your Yahoo stock, depending on how far along ago I was, I guess it's like what a decade. So we said 10 years, whatever, however long it was, sell your Yahoo stock, younger Justin. And this also applies to both equestrianism and stocks by apples.

I like that joke. Hey, thank you. Can I ask you guys a question? Yeah. Is Apple still also called Macintosh? No, hold on. Was the company called Macintosh? And then they just named, it would be like if McDonald's was just like, we're called burgers now. We're called French fries. Come to us for, or was the computer called the Macintosh? Hold on. The computer was called the Macintosh because of the Apple thing, I would assume. I think you would assume it's called that because you think that there was somebody when they were like, we're going to call the company Apple. There were people were like, that's going to get fucking confusing. Well, just sell apples. Do you think that when they came out there and Steve

was like, our company's name is Apple? Do you think there were some Apple companies that were like, ah, fuck, that's shit. Well, we should, fuck, I wish he thought of that. Can you imagine, we would just, why do we call ourselves sweet crunch? That is not a good company name. And you know, I'm really glad that they did all that focus testing or else they're like original desktop computer would have been called the Apple Granny Smith. And I just don't think that would have sold as well as the Macintosh. This is the, this is the Apple book. This is the Apple sweet crunch. It's the most powerful computer known to man. This is the Apple red delicious. I could do a Fuji. I think that would be a good line. The Fuji. The Apple pink lady.

All right. How many apples does Travis know the name of? How many other apples, you know? Don't Google. I'll know if you Google here. Nobody Google. I'm suggested. Do you want to know about apples, the sweet edible fruit produced by the Malice Pamela? Well, I know this is my brain from school. We grew 84.6 million tons of apples in 2014. So when you say we, you mean like the planet? No, me. Okay. A lot of work planting 84.6 million tons worth of apple trees. And now you're trying to sell them. I got so many apples, y'all. I would like to be the first to apologize for this dumber than usual episode of my brother and my brother. Okay. Yes. Even for us, this is a pretty dumb one. Yeah, sure. How about we do one more question

because we had a long piss break in there. And we'll make this one real smart. Oh no, I figured out why this is our dumbest episode. Why? Because this episode 404. So it's not working. It's an error code. So my girlfriend goes to college. At least that was funny. So my girlfriend goes to college and she is very... We did this one. Jogging around. Oh my God. Travis. What? What do you mean Travis? He distracted me with the 404 thing and then I forwarded the link to the question. Oh yeah, real quick. This one's sent in by Merritt Palmer. Thank you, Merritt. It's anonymous. Yeah, who answers these or so. I'll call him Dougie asks. Has the human body

evolved for fist fighting? A lot of people sent this one in. Is the human body designed by evolution for fist fighting? Let me think. Let me pose. Yeah. That's pretty... That's some smooth action. I've never done a fist fight. So I can't really be a voice of authority about this. But my gut says yes. I think we probably either we had different priorities throughout the ages. One was just sort of hiding and survival and then using rudimentary tools and then we kind of peaked and then it was like, I don't know, fist fighting. It would be pretty cool to be very good at. And so our fists got bigger. Our arm got stronger. Our bodies got better at taking the fist punches. I don't know. I'm a beautiful machine of fury and violence. That's when I look at my

body. I'm looking at my body for the first time and just think I'm a beautiful machine of fury and violence. I didn't know it until this moment. I'm thinking about how every piece of my body is designed to be better at fist fighting. Yeah. So break it down, bite for bite for me. Well, I have the beard, which protects my jaw. It's like natural armor. My glasses, which of course grow out of my face that protect my eyes. Well, your eyes got bad and that was evolution's way of saying you need some sort of covering on here for people with sharper knuckles. Yeah. And then I turned 22 and started packing on the elbows to protect my guts. Yeah. You know what I mean? So I got a little extra padding there. So if someone tries to punch

you in the guts, they're like, oh, I can't even get through it. And I remember that Travis on your 22nd birthday, we got in a fist fight and I beat the snot out of you, dude. And you said, I'm making the decision today to add some padding. And I did. And he did. Also, my fists are three feet wide. Travis just got the ever long hands. He's got ever long hands in this one. I've got Ed for long hands. And so they let me punch better and punch like six people at a time. It's tough to know this personally, right? Because that's not how evolution works. You don't use a leaf stone on yourself and then turn into Venusaur. It's it like you can't see that. But I have a son now. And when I look at his beautiful fists,

all I can think is, wow, we're really moving in that direction, huh? We're really moving in sort of a fist fight. And I don't want my son to ever get in a fist fight, but I know that his body, because of evolution, how it works is going to be just crazy and wild in the in the ring or the, you know, wherever it is, he has to fight with his fists. Do you think Glass Joe from Punch Out was like the last evolutionary link we had to that line of humanity? Like he was the last one and you just punched him out? Because we evolved past it, obviously. I haven't seen anybody with his particular malady. You're right. Yeah, it's kind of like the evolution of man of like seeing the monkey turn into the person, which is like scientists still out on that one. It's a fun,

it's a fun theory, but still waiting to hear back on that one. But you can sort of follow the same trajectory going from Glass Joe to King Hippo. You see King Hippo and you're like perfect specimen, King Hippo. Punching. Of punching his body. His body can do nothing else. He leaves the ring after punching so good because his body's been perfectly tuned for that purpose and he walks out of the ring and like tries to open a door and can't because his body just, so he punches it right open. And of course that works and, you know, punches spaghetti into his mouth. You know, I've never seen The Wrestler, but this is what I assume The Wrestler is like. Yeah, it's Mickey Rourke v. King Hippo from Punch Out. It's just like Mickey Rourke wrestling food into his face.

We're starting a new podcast about us guessing what's in The Wrestler. It's called, We'll Get It Right Next Year and it's about us guessing about that. It's called, I'll Get It Right Next Year 2, the sequel to the podcast that paid us to advertise them. I'm going to Google real King Hippo because I need to know if King Hippo but real. King Hippo v. Prince Monster. The thing about King Hippo, what evolution told us is like your instinct would be the perfect puncher would have few places to punch, but what King Hippo does is he says there's many places to punch so that he can take more of them. You know what I mean? If you think about it, like you have more body mass, so it's like there's more space for you

to store punches. Probably King Hippo is God played a joke on him. Well, one problem, juice, and that is his huge weak point designated by an X-shaped bandage that he has over his belly button. And I guess this gets his body got so crazy and so perfect for fighting and so crazy that he needed something to hold his punching guts in and that is this bandage. And God, Hippo, did you not even think about making it like flesh colored at least? Or just not an X shape? Yeah, you could have made it any shape, pal. Turn that shit like 45 degrees, you got a plus sign. If he just hiked his pants up, nobody would have any fucking clue what to do with him. Just pull your pants up, King Hippo. And then no one will know. Oh, I will say thank you, Wikipedia, for clarifying that King Hippo is

a fictional boxer from Nintendo's Punch Out. Thank you for clarifying that, Wikipedia. This is the ideal male body. Come on. Thanks for listening to our show. We are going to be next week. This is your last movement, man, before this happened. No, sorry, this week, when you're hearing this, we are going to be in Detroit and St. Louis, or more accurately, St. Louis and Detroit. We really hope that you all come out to those shows. They are going to happen on Thursday and Friday this week, Thursday, St. Louis, Friday, Detroit, but the show started 7 p.m. St. Louis Peabody Opera House, Detroit, Masonic Temple Theater. You can go to bit, macalroyshows.com slash tours to find links to those. We really hope you'll come out.

We've got some good seats. We're also going to be in Columbus. I don't think you said that, but is that what sold out? It's sold out. Sorry, Columbus. But this is almost sold out, so maybe it's not 100%. Oh, no, no, website says sold out. Just sold the last ticket while recording this. Thanks, Derek. If you can get to those shows, we really hope you do because it's going to be a fun time. Don't forget to send in your questions, both regular and Yahoo, and be sure to put in the subject line Detroit shows, St. Louis show, or Columbus show. I want to thank John Roderick in the Long Winters for the use of our theme song. It's a departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed. It is a very good album. We're very grateful that

we are allowed to use it as our theme song. I want to thank Max Fun for having us on the network. You can go to maxfunfun.org and check out all the great shows there, shows like Stop Podcasting Yourself, and Tights and Fights, and the Beef and Dairy Network, and so many more at maxfunfun.org. And if you want to hear or see other stuff that we do, you can go to macroichows.com. Also, in case you missed it last week, we are going to be on the Jococruz this year on Jococruz 2019, and those cabins are selling really quickly. So if you'd like to join us on the cruise, it is incredibly fun. Jococruz.com is where you need to head to get those tickets before they sell out. Jococruz.com. Also, I don't know if we've mentioned it in a while, but we are releasing

a graphic novel of our first arc of the Adventure Zone here. There'll be Gerblins. You can get that at theadventureszonecomic.com. We have a lot of merch for the shows with a lot more coming out. You can find that at macroichemarch.com. And Justin and Sidney are writing a Sawbones book that you can pre-order now. Yes, that we just put those pre-orders up. If you go to bit.ly, if you're never listed as Sawbones, if you have listed as Sawbones, I think that's all the people on Earth. Yeah, that's everybody. Please pre-order that. It's got Sidney and I wrote it, are writing it, are finishing it. It's got illustrations by Taylor Smerl, her sister, who's very gifted and does a great job with it. And it's going to be,

it's a fun, creepy read with no swears. So it's great for kids and non-kids. Either way. Again, everyone. Here's a final Yahoo! that was sent in by Anna Davis. Thank you, Anna. It's Yahoo! Answers, user, question mark. Hey, guys. The fuck's going on with this website? Sell your fucking Yahoo! stock now. Buy apples. I'm going to say this when it was asked by McIntosh, who asks, what is that one movie where Jyn-A-Z low hand switched bodies with Jamie Lee Curtis, not Freaky Friday, the other one. He's just an acoroy. I'm Travis Acoroy. I'm Griffin Acoroy. Brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad. Square out the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.

Judge John Hodgman ruled in my favor. Judge John Hodgman ruled in my friend's favor. Judge John Hodgman ruled in my favor. I'm Judge John Hodgman. You're hearing the voices of real litigants, real people who have submitted disputes to my internet court at the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I hear their cases. I ask them questions. They're good ones. And then I tell them who's right and who's wrong. Thanks to Judge John Hodgman's ruling, my dad has been forced to retire, one of the worst dad jokes of all time. Instead of cutting his own hair with a flowby, my husband has his hair cut professionally. I have to join a community theater group. And my wife has stopped bringing home wild animals. It's the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Find it every Wednesday at Maximumfun.org or wherever you download podcasts. Thanks, Judge John Hodgman.