My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 405: Gumpy, Hey!

Episode Date: May 7, 2018

There is a new and large movie out in theaters right now, which means Our Watch Has Begun Anew. We promise, there's no Avengers spoilers present in this episode, save for the frank, challenging discussion about the sexually explicit nature of Stan Lee's latest cameo. Suggested talking points: Avengers Watch, Mark Harmon Dunked Me to Sleep, Smiley Tevis, Shorts!, Plant Fight, The New Cracker Barrel, Toilet Comfort, A New Alphabet

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother me and advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother in 30 under 30 media luminary Griffin McElroy. Oh boys, I'm so excited. Why are you excited? Because it's Avengers Infinity War Watch,

Infinity Watch. Let's go with Infinity Watch. Yes. We watched Avengers Infinity War Watch at midnight in Detroit and right after a live show because we felt like we'd fucking earned it. And boy, that was a late one, but I sure enjoyed seeing all the Avengers get back together to fight off the big bad one who was, I think, a demon and it was very late and I loved seeing fireman do his stunts. I will say just a brief spoiler. I think my favorite thing was watching all those beefy bros hugging. Oh, I love to see those beefy bros together. You saw beef boys who to this point have existed in their own movies and Stanley and his beautiful mind made them all get together and hugging the same movie and I said, I said yes. Yeah, I said yes too. Griffin and I

were watching it for the first time in that theater and we both kept saying yes. Over and over and over again. Yes, yes, yes. Good hugs. I think that my favorite moment in the movie, once again, spoilers is when Star-Lord and Tony Stark just stop what they're doing and make out so hard. They're really hard on the mouth and for a long time and then they stop and they say like, now we're forever bros. Yeah, I remember saying yes out loud on that one. Ant-Man was there. People did a lot of buzz talking about how he wasn't, but he was just so very small. Small, he's acting in the entire movie. He punched the space demon so hard that I thought I was gonna nut. I lost it. I said yes like three times in a row. Did you guys, when Space Grimace

stopped the movie and he yelled at our projectionist and called him by name? Yeah. He said, Derek, stop the movie. And then he sat on a stump that he had recently sawed down himself. So there's 15 minutes of him sawing this tree down, right? Yes, I remember. And I'm like seven and a half minutes in thinking, is this hard? And it was because he sat down and he ate about seven bananas and the sequence took about 20 minutes. And I mean, I get it that he's very, just the caloric intake, it would take to power a Titan like him. In his defense, he said there's probably an infinity gym in one of these bananas and I'm gonna find it the old fashioned way. Yeah, and he was right. There it was, the tropical gym. But all your favorites were in this one, Iron Man, Spider Man,

Slad, The Animaniacs, Crash Bandicoot, Marco Rubio. They all got together for the one. Rick or Morty, whichever one is the scientist. Yeah. Yeah, I haven't seen it. I like the part where they revealed that Stan Lee was actually the world's greatest hero. And he had just been like stepping between dimensions. That was a pretty huge reveal because this whole time you're like, oh, it's nice of them to put in some cameos for old Stan Lee. But no, actually, he's Shazam. He felt Batman in this one. It felt masturbatory a little bit. He's like, well, this is my movie. So I'm going to save that. And he does. It felt a little masturbatory, but it might just be that way because he masturbated in one scene. There was that one scene

where he masturbated right there. Real good. And also then he pulled out the book that he was writing the movie in as the movie was happening. And he wrote down Stanley Masturbates and then he did it. Do you think Stan Lee's an older fella probably doesn't leave his house much? I know that he's a non-agenarian, I believe. But they want him to film all this jazz. If it was me, I'd never leave my house. Do you think Stan Lee has a green screen room in his home that they just like come and load in like half a school bus or like a DJ table or an electric chair? If you remember that one. Little known fact, Andy Serkis plays Stan Lee in all the Marvel movies. A lot of them. But all your friends are here. You're going to see a lot of familiar faces

like Scarlet Witch, bonkers from the TV show Bonkers. Totally nuts. Toxic Avengers. Toxic Avengers. I think I said Marco Rubio. I'm in it. Big bow. Beatleborgs. And they line up and one by one punched the demon. And he stands there and he's like, I'm too tough for this. And Stan Lee gets the killing blow. So, yep. Anyway, it's a pretty bad movie. And I don't know why everybody liked it so much because I thought it was trash. It's not a good movie. There's a lot of masturbation in it. The masturbation, the 20 minutes of banana eating the 15 minutes of log sawing is just not a good well put together film. Bonkers just sort of runaway racism. Yeah. Oh, huge. Huge. Huge big racism. I also found it weird that they like

every, it seems like every superhero like had a bathroom break in the movie. And like the movie would stop. They'd be like, I have to go to the bathroom. And then everybody would just stand around like while Drax or, you know, Thor or whoever like went to the bathroom and they'd wait for them to come back. It seemed weird. It seemed weird when Drax changed his name to Rax and then tried to sell everybody roast beef sandwiches. Yeah. Here's the one that killed me. This is where I, here's the one where I had to get up and leave. There is a 37 minute steady cam shot of Peter Stormair scrolling through direct TV listings. There's nothing on. There's nothing on. There's nothing on. I don't want this. I've seen this episode of Mystery at the Museum before.

There's nothing on. And it's like 37 minutes of that. There's no, like sometimes if you look out the window, you can kind of see Green Lantern like flying around or something. But it's like, by and large, there's nothing happening in this scene. That moved this narrative forward. I did not say yes once during this scene. I did not say yes once during the banana scene. I did not say yes. I said yes once during the Stanley jerk off scene. Just once. Yes. And you know when I said it. You don't have to guess. Yeah. I remember. I will say all in all, I like the beefy boys hugging. Yeah. I like the Stanley fight scenes. Three out of five. Well, it's important that we do a review every time we do any segments. We've always done it. Yep. You got to put a

number on it. If you don't put a number on it, it doesn't count. Hey, Super Justin, that's the Avengers joke. Can you read a question? My father was recently retelling a story over dinner that I've heard since early childhood. When he was in grade school, he was playing American football. Hey, you don't have to do that. No, I appreciate it. This is a safe place. Thank you for clarifying. With some friends before being aggressively tackled to the ground by a boy a few years older than he, blacking out instantly and waking up in the hospital. The boy did not apologize this time in telling the story. However, my father casually revealed that the tackler was Mark Harmon. My question is this. Do I have a legitimate case against Mark Harmon for tackling my dad? And if so,

what should I say slash do upon him seeing him in court or otherwise? Please advise. I need closure now that I'm fully aware of the direct link between NCIS and my primal fear of contact sports. That's from healing in Hawaii. Now, is it possible that your dad has told this story a lot of times and has felt like maybe I don't grab him like I used to? This time, I'm going to lie and say it was Mark Harmon the tackler. Like your dad just out of the corner of his eye saw an episode of NCIS playing and he said Mark Harmon and what's going to happen is you're going to go on like a cross country manhunt for Mark Harmon. You're going to find him and you're going to be like Mark Harmon, you tackle my dad. And Mark Harmon is going to be like, I never even played football

American or otherwise. And you're like, what? And Mark Harmon is the perfect pull for that, right? Because if he was trying to impress you and he's like, I got tackled by all of Destiny's Child, then you would know like, come on, daddy, that's a lie. Mark Harmon, I could see a quiet rage in those eyes. I could see a tackle monster behind that gentle face. Is it possible that your dad had the football he was running into the end zone? He says, he said something like, I'm going to do some terrorism in the end zone. And Mark Harmon said, I'm going to hurt CJ Craig. I'm going to hurt CJ Craig. And then your Mark Harmon, Uncle Mark came over and dunked him to the ground for America. Is that a possibility? I think that's exactly what happened.

It's also possible that because this would explain a lot that Mark Harmon remembers in clear, like perfect detail tackling this young man. And he felt so terrible about it that it is what has driven him to excellence today. Or he felt so good about it that it drove him to excellence and made him feel so powerful and strong. And here's the flip side of this. If your dad had gotten the big tackle down on NCIS is Mark Harmon, your dad would be the NCIS man. Your dad would love CJ Craig. I don't. I won't take any more jokes about Mark Harmon, the man's a fucking hero. I was not joking at all. Well, yeah, I mean, it's no, I'm live saying he's a literal hero. I've told the story before on this podcast. I'm fairly certain and I'm going to tell it again.

The year was 1996. A young Colin Sprecht 16 years old in a in a riding shotgun in his friend's car, the friend's joyriding. There was a crash in the Brentwood section of Los Angeles. And the crash luckily for Colin Sprecht just happened to be in front of the home of Mark Harmon. Mark Harmon goes to the car and he used a sledge hammer to break the window of the car that he just that he just had. He's going to bring I'm going to bring this fucking sledge hammer. I want to need it. He tugged me because I was still upside down with the seatbelt in and he ripped me out of the car, said Sprecht, and he suffered third degree burns and was hospitalized for months. So a little bit faster on the draw next time, Mark. But Mark Harmon, Mark Harmon

had never spoken about the incident until the story in 2013. Didn't tell anybody about it. And here's what he said when actually actually interviewed about it. He said, I won't take credit for it because if the car exploded and I'm there next to the car, then you're talking about two young boys who don't have a father, said Harmon. And you'd be doing this interview with my wife and talking about how stupid it was. Okay. And you know, he was sprinting towards the car, his mule near in hand. Yes. And he had the thought, I only have the courage to do this because of the great tackle I did where I dunk that kid to I dunk that kid to sleep on the grid iron. And that, but here's the thing, that could have been your dad. That could have been your

dad living in a nice house in Brentwood, ready to be on West Wing. Or is it maybe a penance? Is maybe to, to get forgiveness for the terrible tackle. He has to rescue 100 people. And now he just has 99. In some way or someone must have some kind of like tally marker of how many times we gently or directly reference the lives of Blackjack Savage. The wildest part about this story, if I saved someone's groceries from a car that had stalled to the side of a country road, it would be all I talked about for the rest of my fucking life. It would be like, oh yeah, there were popsicles and they were about to melt. And I was like, not on my watch. And I got most

of them. Like I ate three of them as a payment. Yeah. But it'd be all I talked to, like it would be in my, in my bio when you come to see me at the off, off Broadway one man show where I tell the story of how I saved someone from a burning car. Beloved, beloved popsicle rescuer, Justin McElroy. Anyway, I love Mark Harmon. Here's a guy who was sent in by level 9,000. Yadru, Dru Davenport. It's from Yadru Answers user. You wrong, who asks. Heroes and villains? Who are the biggest heroes and villains in baseball today? Give your reasons why. Well, Damien Dark, the pitcher for the Orioles, everybody seems to hate this guy. He throws his pitch, his pitch wildly. And sometimes like somebody will like look at him

weird from the stands and he'll throw a pitch right at him and get the person on base. So the team hates him too, because that's not great. You're not supposed to just throw the ball right. Well, hold on. If you throw the ball right out into the stands and hit somebody who's like yelling like, Damien, you're a dipshit and you hit him in the popcorn goes up all funny. Is that a point for the other team or as a foul? You know how much I want to play in this space with you. Desperately want to play in this space with you. I don't understand enough about modern sport, I think, to play with you here in the space you've created. Well, then let me tell you the biggest feeling and I think we can both agree on this, the Philly fanatic. Yeah. Yeah. Mostly because of how many

he's killed. I remember that one time he was dancing on top of the dugout and whatever you want to define his gaping maw or probiscus or whatever you want to call it, he just leaned down and swallowed a person whole because they were rooting for the other team. Oh, I hate that. You hate that when that happens. And he's done it so much, like twice a game for the last like 20 years. Like, is that true or? Yeah. Yeah. Philly fanatic eats people. Biggest hero, I would say, is probably Stu. And this is a guy that sells beer for the Orioles again. It's the only team I'm able to pull for some reason right now. And he just walks through and he's just like, ice cold beer. And he says it in a way that like I hear it and I'm not really enjoying myself because

it's 200 fucking degrees and the game's been going on for nine hours. And I hear him say, ice cold beer. And I think like, oh, Stu, you got my fucking number. Slime mute. What is that? Oh, a Bud Light. I guess. Do you have the ones in like the metal bottles? You don't. You just have it in like, you know, sloppy, slurpy cups that are going to get all over. Okay. Can I at least get a Bud Light lime? Because this is summer. Summer times, too. Summer beer? Summer beer. Ice cold light. I love it. What was that? What did you say, Stu? Don't worry about it. So biggest villain and other big one is the Caddyshack mole. Yeah. Yeah. It's like they work so hard to maintain the greens and then, you know,

Randy Johnson throws a big pitch and then the mole jumps up and grabs the ball and takes it back underground. And then everybody's game is ruined. Well, Griffin, you've just dropped a name, I think of one of our greatest heroes for defeating that evil bird, Randy Johnson. Randy Johnson is a great hero. That bird was a pervert. A lot of people won't say it, but we will. Well, a lot of birds are perverts because they have on a bird's eye view and they'll look down and see some stuff that you're not supposed to see and then they'll be like, and only Randy Johnson can stop them. And only Randy Johnson can do it. One of the big villains for me is the magic boxing gloves Rocky wears that make him

keep fighting even if he wants to stop fighting. Oh, so this is not the greatest villain in baseball thing. Yeah. Yes, correct. Well, you remember when those magic boxing gloves took a turn at professional baseball? I did want to say that Griffin did say the catty shack mole. So maybe you guys can all fuck off. I didn't still tie it into baseball in some way. I referenced baseball. You didn't even let me finish. Oh yeah, please. One of them was a catching glove. Oh, okay. And one was a punching glove. So Michael Jordan, I don't know which one he is because he's both a little bit villainous and that he's like probably not great at the sport, but everyone's still sort of paying a lot of attention to him there anyway, but a hero because

he did know when was the right time to walk away and defeat the monstars. Griffin, to touch on a little bit of your actual sports expertise, how come in baseball people there are no heels and like whatever you're called when you're the good guy, why don't they have more story lines in baseball? Well, they do, but there's this concept in wrestling called kayfabe that's like now Shinsuke Nakamura, my son is now a heel. And as much as it hurts me to watch people be angry at him or sad at him for kicking wrestlers in the balls very, very hard, which is his new gag, which is great because he's worked so hard his entire life to become a professional wrestler and trained his body and mind and moves. And now he's just sort of doing some beefy and butt head

stuff out there. It's still fun because you know he's probably not that bad a guy, but the bad ones in baseball, they can actually my experience, but they can actually be quite bad on it. Even even when they're off the on and off the court on and off the grass court. So they can get tricky there. Do you think that the only I think the only way to denote the bad guys and the good guys is based on what song they pick for their walkout music when they come up to bat? You know what I mean? Because if they're if they're playing like some AC DC, they probably see themselves as like the bad boy, you know, they're like, Oh, I'm a bad boy baseball. But if you walk out to like some melon camp, you probably see yourself as like, I'm just a good, I'm a good guy just out here

trying to play some baseball in America. And there's only one there's one metric for me. And it's how many balls you throw out to the kids in the stands. Like you remember Smiley Tevis played for the I believe the Baltimore Orioles and he would throw every ball he got his hands on into the crowd. And so he'd, you know, catch a ground or he was shortstop. And then he would run from the shortstop place all the way over to the to the out of bounds area and just throw that live ball right out to a kid. And he would really hum it if memory serves. He would buzz at one of his kids. Yeah, he ended up though being kind of forcibly retired from baseball, though, because also every time he was up at bat, he would catch the balls the pitcher would throw. And then he

would throw them into the stands. Yeah, they didn't know what to do with it. And they're like, I guess that's a foul ball. And he would like stand there and like foul like 11 or 12 times. Yeah. Like, okay, just walk, just go, just walk up there. Come on, go away. Pitchers would just start hitting him just to get it over with. So Smiley Tevis got on the plate every single time. Yeah. He's my hero. Okay, that's important. This morning, I decided to wear shorts to work. It's the first day of May and they haven't turned the air conditioning on at school I work at. There was probably an article in there. I was missing. Sorry about that. Yesterday, I was really hot at the end of the day and it was like 78 outside.

Today, it's going to be 85. Hence the shorts. Okay, that's a really good very defensive because that really sounds like you would stop reading the question and we're just telling us about the shorts you wore. No, I am wearing shorts and it is probably too cool to be wearing them, but I put them on. So I'm pot committed. So why are all of the other teachers coming up to me and saying shorts? Nice. As if some some kind of island spirit or beach nymph. It's going to be hot. I want to wear shorts help. Am I losing my mind? That's from shorts boy in Chicago. Well, you can listen. We all have a lot of fun here on this show, but you can love shorts as much as you want. God knows, I'm a fan of those little jeans as I call them and it doesn't make

it so that that's the standard in a business environment. You can love shorts with all your heart and be as uncomfortable in long pants as you want, but it's not going to change the fact that you're going to get a few raised eyebrows with a pair of shorts. Wearing shorts to work, especially in the environment of working at a school or something like that, is the equivalent of a futuristic dystopia where one person rises up to defeat the robot overlords and everybody rallies behind them. I can imagine that the principal of your school and the school board whoever's in charge of that kind of thing was peeking through blinds that you and your shorts like, we got to stop this person. We can't let this person wear shorts anymore. It's like

calf loose. I think that it could have been a compliment of your buns maybe. Like they say shorts? Nice. Like it could have been like a bun's reference to your buns. But your shorts aren't unless they're like wholly inappropriate for work. They're not really featuring the buns more prominently than long pants. Aren't they though? I mean, it is sort of an indicator. It does give the hint, the faintest wisp of here's a little bit closer review to what's going on there in that region. It can be a little more context. To tie it back to baseball, it's like shrinking the strike zone of where people are going to look when they're like, I want to see what pants they're wearing. Exactly. They don't accidentally land on your calves or your knees. It's like you are only going

like it's 50, 50 butt and thigh. You know what I mean? And so there's a chance when you look at my pants to see what kind of pants I'm rocking, you're probably going to see my butt. You'll consider the buns and it's possible. It's not appropriate for workplace setting, but that's not your problem. Listen, we'd all be wearing shorts all the time unless it's cold all the time. And as Justin said, there's a time in a season. Like the Bible also said that. So Justin was technically quoting the Bible and I was too. I mentioned this stuff about the buns. When we do live shows, I would love to wear shorts, but I don't classically because I want people to know that I'm there to conduct my business. I'm there at a business meeting. It's nice to

be able to walk off stage. And like as soon as you hit the sight line off stage, just change into shorts. Cause then you know, like your time's done. This is the thing people don't do anymore that like I hear about like older generations of like coming home and changing completely out of like work clothes and like now it's time for my home clothes. And the problem is I work from home and I don't know when to do that. And that's like every day at 5 30, I change into shorts. I have it. Best part of my day. Yep. Or like today where I'm already wearing shorts, I'll change into slightly less dressy shorts. I'll tell you the good luck that those old folks had down pat that is tough to pull off these days is the shorts with the sock garters. That makes you

look like you are down for anything friend. Yeah. Hard to find. Hard to find sock garters. When you go into any sort of clothing store and you say, where's your sock garter section? You get some looks. Yeah. They say this is old Navy. Get out of here. Perfect. You're looking for very old Navy. Somebody invent elastic so we can get rid of these darn things. Was that what it was? Yeah. Nobody had elastic because the war was on. We needed them for rubber band guns. No, for like tanks and stuff. Like cause there's plastic. You can't make elastic. So you can't put elastic into the stockings or the socks or whatever. He had to have garters. You must have sleepy socks for

the boys on the front. There's a war on. There's a war on. Your socks must be sleepy. Timothy, your sock holes are so droopy, dude. Thank you for your service. Our friends overseas sure do appreciate it. You're going to bring them home with your droopy ass weird old dead socks. I have a yahoo here. This one is sent in by Grin Velesti. Thank you, Grin. It's yahoo answers user. I don't know. What could it matter at this point? Yeah, I'm going to call them bubs asks. Any ideas for my plant pot experiment? So there are types of plant that are basically very tough and competitive with other plants and like to take over Ivy, Mint, Dandelion, raspberry, mares, tail, etc. I had an idea of sourcing some of these and putting them all into one

single plant pot and then waiting to see what happens as they all fight for dominance and see what comes out on top. So to make this interesting, what would be the best plants to use for this experiment? I'm looking for competitive plants that will fight each other for dominance. Y'all come on over this Sunday. I got a cooler full of brews. We're going to sit down and watch these plants kick each other's asses. It is going to be so fucking dope. I'm having a plant on a legal plant fight in the alley behind the Arby's and we're going to meet there and place our bets on my monies on bamboo. Their various tendrils and vines are going to be whipping hither and yon. This person is assuming the plants will fight and not what will actually happen,

which is the plants will team up to defeat you. Like, think about it. If you were thinking logically what's going to happen when I get a bunch of plants together, the plants are going to dislike each other or they're going to dislike the person who locked them in a pot. I mean, for a while, I think they're going to kick each other's asses and that's going to be the sweet spot before they turn on you. Like the raspberries just wrapping all around the dandelion and trying to strangle it and the ivy's just waiting for its chance and the mare's tail is just really disappointing me because I thought it was going to get nasty in there, but it's just kind of not doing much because it's just a blazy plant. But then eventually, yeah,

Trev, I think it is going to sort of realize, wait a minute, it'll lead a sort of Spartacus revolution and you're going to need some sort of spray because they're too powerful. Yeah, and maybe you could hold a tasty food for plants over it and just be like first one to grow up here and get it. And boy, I would just love to watch these plants just fucking rumble in the jungle. Would it be fucking rad to put a bunch of plants at the bottom of the aggro crag and then at the top you put like, what do plants like, the sun? Sweet water, I think, like sugary water. Sugary water up there and just tell them to go hog wild and see what happens. Go for it plants. Just go for it. Reach for it. Don't be afraid to take what's yours. There's most forms of

making things fight is not good. But even battle bots, I'll watch a battle bots fight sometime and be like, these toasters don't deserve this. They should be doing other stuff. Make no mistake that when the robots tried to rally others of the sentient ones to their cause, battle bots footage will be the footage that they show. Look what they did. This is what they did. They created us for battle. Especially the shots of when the robots cry. That's the ones that all get me. It's like, I don't want to fight him. He's my brother. They're a fight robot. When they cry data, data just pours out their ears. They're crying data. Griffin, I just wanted to let you know.

Yeah, they're crying megs and megs of data. But I watch Ivy use razor leaf on a raspberry plant and I feel nothing. I feel absolutely nothing except for pureing. I'm just saying I'm here for it. I feel nothing. Get them. Get them dandelion. Do something for me once in your life, dandelion. Kick that raspberry's ass. I have 50 cold ones on you. Dandelions do all kinds of great shit. You can make wine out of them. You can rub them on your friend's arm and pretend that the flower peed on them. Oh, that's a good one. A very good one. Especially when your friend is like I like this. Huh? Huh? Huh? Yeah. Okay. I say yes about this.

Huh. Hey, take us to my own zone, please. Whoa, let's go. This week we're sponsored by Casper. Oh my god, I just had the impulse to make a friendly ghost reference and like Casper would be the first ones to do that. So that would be fun. I'm disappointed in myself. I don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight, but the answer is well, because I sleep on a Casper mattress. Casper is revolutionized. It's the line of products you create an exceptionally comfortable sleep experience one night at a time. They offer affordable prices because Casper cuts out the middleman and sells directly to the consumer. Now, don't get me wrong. I feel bad for the middleman in this economy to be cut out like

that, but also that middleman, the specific one that Casper cuts out is a jerk. Davis, his name is Davis. Davis. Yeah. And he's a jerk. So you don't have to feel bad about Davis not getting to dip his snoot in the old mattress till. And I love Casper mattresses. I sleep on one every night. Every time we go on a tour, I come home and I sleep so much better. And I remember like, oh yeah, this is what sleep is because they combine multiple supportive memory phones for quality sleep service with the right amounts of both sync and bounce. You can be sure of your purchase. Casper is hundred night risk free sleep on it trial. And you can get $50 towards selective mattresses by visiting Casper.com slash my brother and using the promo code

my brother all one word a checkout terms and conditions apply. I sleep extra go to my Casper just knowing that I'm making Davis go hungry. Yeah, take that Davis you jerko. I'm gonna tell you about stamps.com. No, I want to tell you about stamps.com. No, I want to tell you about stamps.com. You just did one. Should we all just talk about stamps.com at the same time? Yes. So grip and go. It'll be the first time we've ever talked over each other. Stamps.com is great. They'll give you the stamps whenever you need them and you print them out right there and you don't have to worry about going to the post office to mail your letters and packages because you can get postage on demand and you even weigh the shit and you put the

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comes right out of his fucking mouth. He's got a Gameboy printer. He swallowed all the way back in 2002 and that thing does its job. Great flags of the world. That's the theme. That's the only theme this month. You got to punch him in the stomach real hard if you want to change it to Harry Potter stamps. But now you use the promo code my brother for this special offer. It includes up to $55 free postage, a digital scale in a four week trial. Don't wait. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage and type in my brother. All one word. That's stamps.com. Enter my brother. I like stamps. Okay. I want to tell you all about eight bit geek, a podcast that shares its insignificant views on gaming and film.

Stop in as we share some laughs and we read Miss Connections from Craigslist and more. And you can find that eight big geek on Spotify, iTunes and Google Play. Visit www.the8, that's the numeral, bitgeek.com and you can get more info and listen to this podcast. Is the Miss Connections from geek stuff? So like Luigi to Princess Fiona from Shrek, just like your style. I know that you're married, but do you- You're into green dudes. I'm a green dude. I'm a green dude. You and your husband like to have fun. I will say though, if you click through to this website, you're going to see some beards. There will be beards. And they are increasingly impressive. There's Jeremy Doug and Kevin. Jeremy has a respectable beard. Doug's got

a massive beard and mustache. Kevin has shaved the mustache. So you can't fucking think about anything other than Kevin's amazing beard. Yeah. I have a jumbotron here. This one's for Mel Halewa and it's from Dave who says, Hey, sweetie pie, I'm writing this jumbotron at 4am the day before your birthday and two days before our wedding day. It will hopefully run on our planned wedding day. I'm so glad. Wait. Oh, wow. What came in under the wire on this one? I'm so glad we snuck in a bonus six months of Wetted Bliss. Thank you for marathoning the first 200 Mbim Bams with me. Mistake. And forgetting Papa McRoy to retweet pictures of our dog XOXO. I wanted that on May 12th, which I guess is the planned wedding day. And I think we came in pretty close

to that. Not exactly on it, but whatever. I'd rather do it before because our next episode was the 14th and we would have missed it. Would have plum missed it. True point, Travis. And a little weird that you're marrying a pie, Dave. That's a joke because he said sweetie pie. But I've eaten. Yeah, I eat a pie so good that I would marry it. Yes. This final jumbotron, it's for Catherine. It's from Kai and it says happy birthday and or general existence to my longest best friend. Now. Now, hold on. I assume there that you mean someone who's been your best friend the longest and not like a 10 foot tall best friend. Well, it says longest, so they could be, you know, five foot four tall, but 10 feet deep. What a deep friend I have.

A very deep, deep friend. Thanks for putting up with me when I don't text back, playing D&D with me, introducing me to German musicals, giving me up to date on content from these good, good boys. I hope you know how proud I am of you for everything you do. Never forget, you're a fucking badass. Hey, folks, don't rely on your friend Catherine to tell you what's going on with us. We've got lots of social media. You don't have to wait for Catherine to tell you. But Catherine, if you do want to handle telling everybody what's going on, we appreciate the effort because some people. If that's the service you offer, Catherine, we can push more people your way. Yeah. If you want to sort of take up that mantle of keeping people informed. So everybody just go on Twitter,

search Catherine and follow the first person that comes up. That's probably Catherine. And you're going to get all the great news from us. And then be sure to ask that Catherine constantly like, so what's up with the macros? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. The Dead Pilot Society podcast brings you hilarious comedy pilots that were never made featuring actors like Aubrey Plaza, Andy Richter, Paul F. Tompkins, John Hodgman, Adam Scott, Molly Shannon, Busy Phillips, Tom Lennon, Anna Kamp, Laurie Metcalf, Alicia Day, Michael Ian Black, Adam Savage, Paul Scheer, Ben Schwartz, Skyler Aston, Mae Whitman, Josh Molina, Ben Feldman, Cole Byer, Jason Ritter, Sarah Chalk, Steve Agee, Jane Levy, Allison Tolman, Danielle Nicolette, Casey Wilson, Ann Ortiz, Lorraine Newman, June

Diane Raphael, Kiernan Chipka, Ed Week, Zach Knighton, Kerry Kenny, Silver, John Ross Bowie, Jamie Denbow, Janet Varney, Alessandro Forson, Alessandro Morales, Matt Gorley, and many more. Listen at MaximumFun.org, iTunes, or wherever you download podcasts. How about a Yahoo? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. This one was sent in by Grin Velesti also. Thank you, Grin. It's from an anonymous Yahoo Answers user, but I'm going to say Davis sent this one in. So sad, so hungry. Davis asks, what would it be like if Deadpool took over the Cracker Barrel franchise? You know, we'd be in there with his like twisted views. Let me finish and then we'll get into the twisted views, but I'm about to work there. I just wonder

how hilarious it would be if you were running things. Oh yeah. Yeah, so he'd be like, hey, this is Deadpool. Come on down for a good country breakfast, eggs, toast, and my balls. Yeah, but he also probably wouldn't have fired that one woman for no reason that the internet went wild about. Like, Deadpool wouldn't have done that, but he would have made people look at his butt while he brought them biscuits. Yeah, you'd be doing the peg puzzle thing to find out how smart you are in the little wooden triangle and you'd be getting close to finishing it and you went to put the last peg in, but it was his butt. Yeah, but he wouldn't, he wouldn't have fired that woman for no reason. Yeah, that was bad Cracker Barrel. Then you get some like old-timey candy,

but then what's that? He's eating it and then also his butt's there. Yeah, he's eating it. You think he's behind the cat? Like, he just helped you be your waiter and then when you go to the counter to buy those jawbreakers or dad likes, it's him, but he's got a fake mustache on and he's talking to kind of like an old-timey voice like, oh, I'll help you, kid. Yeah, a guy comes up to him, he's sitting in one of those rocking chairs out in front of the Cracker Barrel and he's like, hey, rocking chair, why don't you get back to work? And then Deadpool's like, my balls. And he pulls out two big guns and just wastes them. Yeah. Oh, and then there's some problems with overages with too much being spent on labor for like

some of the down periods for Cracker Barrel. And he finds a way of just sort of shoring that up, the equitable for all the employees and also for the overhead. Okay, you guys tell me what I was going to finish my 15-minute long ramble with, because I had a great... Nah, dude, stick the landing, it's you, baby. Come on, you got it, Justin. He farts. Okay. That's what happens at the end of minus he farts. In context, it would have been very good. I was trying to get to like, yes, he farts and his butt and his balls and stuff, but also he turns out to be really good at running the Cracker Barrel's franchise. That's just the inverse of mine, though. You just put the balls and the farts at the beginning.

Oh, what if they ran out of syrup and he's like, I know how to get some more syrup and he finds a new syrup supplier. Yeah. And then somebody's like, I'm worried about my health care. And he's like, I got your health care right here. And he hands them like a packet with all the information about the new health care plan. And TJ Miller shows up and everyone's like, get the fuck out of here. You get the fuck out of here. No, thank you. Recently, I attended my good friend and fellow friend of the show's housewarming. I hadn't been there for very long before another friend asked me if I had seen the terrible thing he did in the bathroom. Oh, Jesus. Nervously. I want to clarify here because I think the pronoun is difficult. The he refers to the good friend and not the other

friend asking about it. Nervously, I followed up to find out that our friend had installed a padded toilet seat in his bathroom. The bathroom separate from his bedroom that also served as the guest bathroom for the house. We tried to tell him that it was unacceptable, but he wouldn't hear it. Tell me, brothers, in today's enlightened times, this is it acceptable to have a cheap padded toilet seat in the one bathroom every guest in your house will use? Or am I in the wrong for not loving it? We decided to let you be the judges. I don't understand the problem. What's the problem? You don't understand the problem, Justin. What's the problem? Justin, let me tell you the problem. Tell me the problem. The problem is, and this is a man coming from a man who owns

of a day and loves it. But in an ideal scenario, toilet seats would be a one-use, single-use item and then replaced. You tear it off the toilet and throw it out the window. Right. A padded toilet seat is the polar opposite of a single-use toilet seat because when you sit on it and get up, it will suck back in particles as it reinflates from your weight being on it and then getting off. Not only is it being used, it is saving. It is downloading every time it is used until eventually it's just full of butt particles. Data. Yeah. Full of butt data. Yeah. It's not good. Every part of it, when you sit down and you expect a firm friend down there to help you do your thing and instead you get like a pfft. Nope. And the butt particles just

and how are you not incensed? Neil deGrasse Tyson sounded off about the when you nut it pushed you backwards. Yeah. He actually did this back in 2011, so thought crime. I need him to let me know about the butt particles because I think that's going to be the final word on this one. I guess I see what you're saying. How are you not upset about this? I mean, you're breathing dookie 24 hours a day. Like open your mouth and you're breathing dookie. Tisha do a medical history podcast. Everything is dookie. For real. Like it's all dookie. The fact that you can be incensed by this is a level of naivete that makes you want to craft a backpack for you out of forest leaves and put you in it and carry around. And you'll be like my little

partner who I teach about the world and I raised from a sat from a will. Can we all start carrying our own seats? Yes. With us that and we could start putting like powerful magnets on all the toilets that will snap onto the seat and also destroy your cell phone. But it's a small price to pay. Here's okay. This is great because because we're always looking for new business opportunities. That's why we started this show, obviously. We can start like personalizing them and like, oh, what skin do you have on your toilet seat and like branding them? And it's like, oh, it's the new Pokemon toilet seat shape like Snorlax's face. When you said skin, I thought you meant the skin of other people who had used it. And that could be cool too.

Because it's like, I got Mark Harman to use mine once. Oh, that's good. Yeah, I reused one of his toilets. The seat has like a layer of plastic on it and you press a button in the plastic kind of rotates to give you a fresh toilet seat every time. I remember they had one. They had one in the West Virginia, like Congress building. And I always was scared of that because I was afraid it would activate while I was sitting on it and it would twist my butt all up. You know what I mean? What if you could make a toilet seat look like Guy Fieri's mouth? And that's the end of the podcast. And I don't just mean this episode. I mean, like there's not going to be a way to come back from that organically. Like I can't go back to

talking about like, I had a weird dream. Like I can't talk about that. I can't talk about Deadpool. I really, it's hard to really think about even thinking of anything ever again. Even when I'm not doing the podcast, like my brain won't be able to generate other thoughts. Like I'll be looking at my son's face and he says this first word and he says like, Daddy, Daddy, I love you. And I'll be like, uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like I'll be driving and it'll be traffic, but I won't see the traffic and I'll plow right into it because of what happened just now. So like the shows, shows over, lives over, happiness is done. That's canceled. I'm canceled. Uh, I had plans. I was maybe going to try and go see a quiet place

today. I have like kind of a day off, but I don't think, I mean, it's going to be so fresh now that the thought of me even enjoying a movie for the next like two months, let alone like two hours is, is of a dream. A dream I had once. So there's, I guess, two parts of my life now, two halves. And I thought that it would be closer to 50 when I would sort of divide my life up like that. But really it was right here at 31, um, before I knew this and after. Okay. It seems pretty authoritative. Here's one more question. I don't know. Like you heard what I just said, right? Like you can give me another question, but I'm going to be here in my own sort of prison. That's fine. I want to see what the new Griffin is like because you still don't make a living. Sure. Sure. Phone calls tend

to give me terrible anxiety and at work this manifests in a very particular way. When spelling out a word, I find it very difficult to do the traditional letter as in a word thing like F is in Frank. A panic could not think of any words that start with the letter, which just makes me more anxious. And as it folds in on itself, like an or a boros of sweaty palms, I generally try to get out of having to do it by just saying the letter on its own and enunciating really hard. But sometimes that doesn't do the trick. I know there's a military phonetic alphabet in my panicky state. I tend to forget that too. Please help. What's the way around this terrible problem? Yeah. Yeah, it's a toughie. What if you just started saying like F as in F,

G as in G, you know, like the letter G, F as in the one after E and before G, if that helps, you know, the one that's like in the alphabet, maybe just start saying the number and you're like D as in the fourth letter. Yeah. Could you learn Morse code? Uh-huh. Could everyone, everyone would have to, huh? Sure. Griffin, you okay? Let me try to allow, split my mind into two halves and half of it will always be thinking about the thing Justin said, but the other half is going to be trying to make comedy, but it's just going to be 50% of a brain. But have you ever heard people try to use the military phonetic alphabet, but they're not military and they say things like Quebec, Foxtrot, Bravo, Bravo, Juliet, November, Oscar. And it's like, dude, you need to fucking

chill out here, Jason Bourne, Yankee, Zulu, X-ray, Bravo. You need to calm the fuck down there. You're taking so much more time to do it. And some of them don't even sound like other letters. Like you don't even need to worry about it. I think I've got Q down. I think if you say W, I probably know what you mean. Yeah. F is in Frank. Who's ever heard F? I mean, I guess it sounds like S. Sounds like X too, if you think about it. If they are connections to F. Oh my god, you're right. All right, let's do this, a new alphabet. Fuck the old alphabet. A, A can, A, sounds like J, so A's got to change. Now it's called- And why is it, wait, why is it got to be in that order? Because the order is completely without, like A does not naturally come before B.

Someone made that decision. We just need 26 sounds that don't sound like anything else. So we can be like squee and crumb and dug and dug and bug. Ah, shit. Fuck. See, okay. There's only so many sounds. No, I can make 26 sounds right now. I'm even with half of my brain. I'll count. Okay. This would be a great finale. I'll count. Okay. Well, I'll use some letters because it's going to be hard work, but it can be like A, B, C, D. Wow, it starts off with a lot of rhymes. Yeah, a lot of rhymes. B, C, D, E, all rhymes. So A, B, Cronk, dug, oh, F, F. Gumpy. No, you can't have two syllables. It can't be two syllables. No, we do have W though. Okay, you're right. Gumpy. Okay, Gumpy. Huff my duff. Wait, is that for H? Huff my duff?

Yeah, Huff my duff is H. Start from the beginning. Okay. A, B, Cronk, dug, E. Gumpy. Hey. I is good. J is good. J's not good. J rhymes like A. Oh, you're right. You got to be a little whistled. Do this alphabet. Okay. Start over. God. A, B, Cronk, dug, E. Gumpy. Hey. I love you. Dad is I. I love you, Dad. You're right. It's too hard. It's too much work. No, you're doing great. You're in 10 letters in. All right. Jesus. We'll just give him that letter. People seem to be a big fan. Cronk too. You would say it and let people know it's the second one for K. The sequel. L is good. M is good, but then N has to be like evil M. Oh,

Daddy. So you reference your dad in two of the letters of the alphabet and he's really going to appreciate that. The military word for P is papa, so let's just continue the theme there. Quebec, I like. Fun pirate joke. People like that. Very good. And then we can do like T. Just be like, you clap. So that's going to make spelling bees sort of like a stomp musical. U and W, I think, can stay. This is stop being funny, but here's a problem of getting repeated one more time, Griffin. No, there's only four more letters. And so I feel like I should finish, but I'm conflicted because of just how it's long ago. It stopped being entertaining at all for anybody. Go ahead and finish it though. Vape. W cross. That's good.

It's easy to remember. Yup. Said like the guy on storage wars for Y. Thank you. Yes. Good. Yes. And then Z is we're just going to remove that one. Oh, so we won't have that letter anymore. Excellent. 25 letters. 25 feels a lot better to me. Yeah, me too. Folks, that's going to do it for us this week. Thank you so much for listening to our show. We always do our best. There it is. We do our best. Thank you to everybody who came out to our shows in the Midwest this past weekend. It was, you were all very pleasant and you have beautiful cities that we wish we had had more time to explore. But next week, you are going to hear our show from Columbus, where we experimented with a new audience questions format that I think went very,

very well and we got a lot of very nice feedback on. So we're probably going to do that from now on and you will hear that next Monday when you hear the Columbus episode. Also, speaking of our live shows, we have some coming up. Phoenix, Orlando and Atlanta, MB&B AM shows. There's still tickets available. The San Francisco shows and the Atlanta Taz show is sold out, but you can get tickets to the MB&B AM shows at macro shows.com slash tour tours. And you can also get tickets there for the book tour we are doing for the graphic novel we are doing of the first adventure zone story. Here there be Gerblans from the balance arc. You can also preorder that at the adventure zone comic.com. You can also preorder the Sawbones book on Amazon right now.

Bit.ly forward slash Sawbones book. I wrote it with my wife and Taylor's brother the illustrations and it's a great book. It's going to be a good book. It's going to be a good book. We also just real quick, I don't know if we announced this on MB&B AM yet, but we're doing so there's a company called the Mysterious Package Company. It's an amazing kind of deal where you sign up and they send you like stories as packages. So you get letters and items in the packages that kind of tell a story as it all unfolds. And we are partnering with them to do a tacos school of wizardry story with them. And we're really, really excited about it. And you can preorder that now. Do we have a bit.ly for that? Yes, bit.ly forward slash taco school.

That's T-A-A-K-O. And you can if you didn't know that you're not going to preorder this. Yeah, that's a fair as fair as fair. Yeah. But it's 64.99 and for and it's like which is like a little pricier than we normally like to do things. But when you're making stuff and then putting it in the mail and sending it places like, I don't know, you get to a certain point where it's as low as we could make it, I promise. It covers two big old packages full of fun stuff. It's great because it's a great thing if you want to get it for yourself and also makes a great present. So check that out. Especially if you give it to somebody who doesn't have any idea it's happening. What a wild gift that would be. Yeah. Thank you to John Rodrick

in the Long Winters for the use of a theme song. It's a departure off the album. Putting the days to bed. It's a very good album that I cannot speak highly of enough. I can't speak enough highly. I can't speak high enough of it. And thank you to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. Go to maximumfun.org. Check out all the great shows there. Shows like Stop Podcasting Yourself and The Beef and Dairy Network and Story Break and all kinds of shows on Maximum Fun. And if you want to see or hear other stuff we do, you can go to mackleroyshows.com. Is that it? That's it. Finally, Yahoo! This one was sent in by Adrian Cowles. Thank you, Adrian. It's Yahoo Answers User. Question mark. Who asks? What do Canadians download? My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis

McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad. Schooly on the lips. Maximum Fun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. I'm Riley Smerl. I'm Sydney McElroy. And I'm Taylor Smerl. And together we host a podcast called Still Buffering where we answer questions like, why should I not fall asleep first at a slumber party? How do I be fleet? Is it okay to break up with someone using emojis? And sometimes we talk about butt. No, we don't. Nope. Find out the answers to these important questions and many more on Still Buffering, a sister's guide to teens through the ages. I am a teenager. And I was too. Butts, butts, butts, butts, butts.