My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 406: Face 2 Face: Sweet Dreams, Timothy

Episode Date: May 15, 2018

Travis is on vacation this week, so we're happy to present to you our live show in gorgeous Columbus, Ohio from our most recent tour! It's got thrills, chills and spills, and also a new method for handling audience questions that resulted in some REAL humdingers.

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Welcome, my brother, my brother, to be an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother. What the fuck are you doing? You just have like one knee on your leg standing, sitting lying down. Sit down or sit down. Okay. Welcome, my brother, my brother, to be an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

And I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. And I'm your sweet baby brother in 30 under 30 media luminary Griffin McElroy. You know, yeah, Justin. Travis. I've always said Columbus is the hornyest city. And now it's proven to be true. You can keep your New Orleans. You can keep your Las Vegas side. Wow, two whole cities, just for me. I'll take Horny Columbus, as I thought. Horny Colombo. Speaking of Horny Colombo, by the way, would be a good remake of Colombo. Okay. Just one more question. Is it on? One more question. You feeling this? Speaking of a pleasant person in the sound booth, if you could

turn the monitor from wherever it's at now, up to Horny, so I could hear the talking. That would be excellent. My dad did a great thing talking about sports, which I love. And then he did this great thing where he spelled half of Ohio. And in my head, all I could think was, I wonder what other words these guys know how to spell. Well, you know, it was round on the end and high in the middle. Ohio. Yeah, it's great. Y'all do riddles too. Cool. Okay. All right. What can't you see and can't you touch, but if you put it in a barrel, it makes the barrel lighter. Wow, you're wrong. Helium. Negative water. He's stupid. I've actually had some that I've been trying to craft that I'm going to pitch to you

guys real quick. I've got a junior jumble at home. I'm trying to get myself. We are all full of hot, wild Ohio energy. We are also very excited because today is the day of the Kentucky Derby. I love the weird Venn diagram of our podcast of like people who want to go see my brother, my brother, me, but also at the mere mention of horses. I kid you not, that was backstage like an amateur bookie literally asking us like, you want me to play some bets? I have a website where I can play some bets. I don't think, I mean, he took money from someone and placed a bet for them. He is no longer talking about the juice. He's no longer an amateur. It is in the pro space. He is a bookie now. Paul, Paul, I changed my mind. I hate the hook. It's making my microphone come off.

Please come fix it, Paul. No, don't you touch it. I don't fucking trust you. So it's like, make it. It's lose the hook. It's our first tour with the headset, Mike's. We're still figuring shit out. Paulinstorm.com. Get out, buy all Paul's music. We only find Paul in store of on Myspace. We only pay Paul in mentions, so please make this deal pay off. Okay, here's the names of some horses. 43 to one, a long shot, free drop, Billy. Fuck yeah. Wait, hold on. What do you think the three different drops are? Free, free, F-R-E-E free drop. Oh, okay. I thought it said like drop one. You dropped some knowledge on you. Drop two, the base. I know very little about drop three. You dropped to

the ground because you're so impressed by both his knowledge and the base. I know very little about horses despite the fact that they are a rich comedy vein for us for reasons beyond my understanding. I don't think you want your horse to drop in any way, especially unrestrained to the ground. Promises fulfilled. I like this one. That's good. But you better like, if you say like, hey there Derek, I'm gonna win the big race today, but you fucking better now. Yeah, that's a promise. We got flame away. We got audible. Glad that they're branching out. We got me undies. We got Sam Scott, Warby Parker. We got Warby Parker. We will not be able to run advertisements on this episode of my brother, my brother and me.

Nine to one, good magic. I like that what must have happened there was someone go, I know what we'll call this horse. We'll call it great magic. I like the word magic. We've got to get this in the horse name somewhere. What's a good modifier for magic? And then they thought about it. Wait, what did you just say? Run it back a couple of words. We got justify three to one. Good odds there, I guess. I don't know how gambling works. Loan sailor. That's kind of a sad one. My boy Jack. That's good because it's exactly what I'm going to call the horse. You can give your horse a name and I'll just be like, oh, well, that's, that's my boy justify. They went ahead and

we got Mendelssohn. If I could give a wedgie to a horse. Yeah. Right. We've been really 56 to one odds. Oh yeah, you're talking about entice. No, no, no. What I love, it must be clear. It is not, it is not entice or enticing, but rather the past tense entice. I have been enticed. Oh, a horse you say, I am enticed. Tell me more. We have a combatant and that's 77 to one odds. I doubt that very much. No, no, no. He is a combatant. 99 to one. 99 to one is instilled regard. So it's as good at racing as it is at having a fucking name. 60 to one. Forensa fire. This is about as good as it gets. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Oh, hold on. The owner, according to the Kentucky Derby website,

is named Mr. Amor stable. What are you going to do when you grow up? What else am I going to do? I love stable. I love stable. That's the Derby. Who won? I don't know. I don't want to spoil it. Justify. I guess I'm rich. I told my dad to put down 10,000 justifies. So we're looking good. One thing about you did that right, old man. We know who the what? Oh, no. We know who the winner is, though. And that's nobody. This was the wettest Kentucky Derby ever. Yeah, it was. It is. Yeah. Hell yeah. Louisville is like flash flood warning right now. And so yeah, I'm just saying a veteran is forensic fire. Yeah. A lot of horses died. Can you stop

making horny jokes for like a second? I think if three horses die, that's too many. But two is that's fine. I mean, you guys can't make an omelet, can't make a race omelet, etc, etc. This is an advice show as you've almost certainly guessed by now. It's not about any specific sci-fi franchises. It's just a regular advice show. Does anybody at the Detroit show last night? Okay, shit. So you keep what we did to yourselves. Yeah. May take a while for that one to hit the old RSS feed. Some real desperate circumstances. I just want to say one thing about that. I didn't get to the whole reason. There was one reason I wanted to do a show by Star Wars, and it was to cover an important fact I learned. I didn't get

to say it. Someone say it here. So it's not lost to fucking posterity. So you know the Cantina band, right? Okay. Tell us about it. It's just a band of weird dogs and people and getting strange in space and they're not that good. So they're playing at a bar and one of the people and one of the things, one of the muppets, one of the muppets in the band, is literally named Droopy Nick Cool. Stephen Spielberg's friend, George Lucas, reaches the future, imagined our podcast, stole a name from it, took it back to 19 or whatever, 80 something, and then put it into his show, Star Wars, because he named one of them Droopy Nick Cool. And somewhere a young Paul Rubin's land. That's a good name.

I want to open with a yahoo. Alexander Fitzpatrick sent this one in. Thank you, Alexander. It's yahoo answers users. Sorry, something's gone wrong. Of course, it's a fucking worst website ever made. I can't believe how tied my career is to it. Droopy Nick Cool asks. Droopy Nick Cool. Yeah, it's great. It does sound like an AIM screen name, a 10 year old comes up with it. Droopy Nick Cool. All right, you're locked into that for the next decade. Droopy Nick Cool asks. Scooby-Doo question. Scooby-Doo question. How did a dog have so much power in that series? Dogs are usually subservient to the humans. This is a great question. Wait, how much power, how much power did Scooby-Doo have? Very rarely were they like,

we're going to go investigate this mystery and Scooby-Doo was like, uh, pass. Any power at all is too much power. There's a murderer at large. It's been a while since I've seen Scooby-Doo. There's a murderer at large and the dog's like, and you're like, yeah, no. Unless it's like a canine unit and he sniffs murder drugs, I've lost what I was thinking of. He is, uh, a lot of people don't know this. He is a detective. Well, we're tired. He's a reincarnated, retired detective. He's a bad detective, not like, bad lieutenant, bad detective. Wait, okay, wait, the bad detective that died. Yeah. And then came back as a dog to fight crime poorly, obviously. And once he solves a hundred crimes, he gets to go to heaven.

Okay. Let me do a slight twist on this. Oh, good. He is a bad detective. Yeah. Bad at his job or just crooked? Probably both. Yeah. Very rarely is there a cop who's like, yeah, he's amazing at kissing bad guys, but also he is one. Okay, but what about house? How do you feel about that pool, Joseph? Just a little in the moment behind the scenes? No, listen, I was trying to remember the name of the one with Rainn Wilson in it. Mud. No. Mud? What? No, someone else is a mud. That's his character from Star Trek Discovery. The answer is back, the answer is backstrom, but that doesn't make it funny. And that's so important. Okay. So, so here's the important context about Scooby-Doo. So he

was tasked with solving a hundred crimes. Yeah. To be freed from his curse. And then he found out about sandwiches. Yeah. And he was like, Oh, wait, fuck, I didn't know about these breaded delights. I don't want to go back. And that's why he's so hell. Hold on. Very rarely is that what happens in cursed ghost shows is like, and yes, after you complete a hundred challenges, you can go back to hell. Yes. Sick. I think that the problem is they follow him a lot. The most unrealistic thing about Scooby-Doo, if I can point to one. Wait, no, slow down. Uh-huh. The most unrealistic thing about Scooby-Doo, is that they follow him a lot and he is never going over to hump something.

I think, I think just once it should be like, Scoop's got a lead. And Scoop's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Do not follow me in here. I got dog stuff to do. I didn't see it. Oh, he's just shitting. Yeah. I saw, I didn't see a clue. I saw a pillow that looked had a crease in it. And I was kind of like a book. Is the clue under the crease, pillow? No, I'm telling you, you guys have to fucking go somewhere else right now. Please give me one minute to my fucking cell. And I would have gotten away with it. Oh shit, what are you doing? What they don't tell you is that Scooby-Sacks are full of dog viagra. So every time that they give him one, a shaggy one, I don't know what it does to shaggy. Trips him the fuck out. Trips out on dog viagra.

Well, the thing is, episode one of Scooby-Doo, he gets fixed. And that everything out. Still be fucking horny? A lot of you are really serious, like, oh, what? Oh, no. Also, they would definitely make shaggy unhorny, right? Probably. I went to Taco Bell for the first time in 12 years. Nice. Congratulations. It's a question. I've been there much more recently than that. And I realized once I looked at the menu that I had no idea what to order. Like, I would at other restaurants. I asked the cashier, what would you recommend? Thank you for doing this for me. The cashier just stared at me. So I guess that's not a normal thing to ask at Taco Bell. You don't say. What can I do to feel like less of an absolute dweeb after

this? Also, what should I order next time I go to Taco Bell? That's from Crunchwrap Supreme, Embarrassment in Columbus. Are you here? All right. I'm okay. Here's my question. I'm glad you're still with us. This is my question. You don't have to answer it, but just my habit. It would be ridiculous if you did. You're not a microphone. So you went to Taco Bell not knowing what you wanted. So you just looked at a Taco Bell and thought, I like the idea of that. Yeah. I think it's fair to be like, it was pretty buck wild last time I went in in the nineties. I'm going to see what's up. There was a lot of smash mouth branding that went on. Let me find out real quick. What's going on at Taco Bell these days? My opinion is if you decide to eat at Taco Bell, you are already

dead. You will die instantly as soon as the food crosses the plane of your mouth the whole. And so if you're going to do it, you may as well like, if you're going to go to town, you might as well go on a Lincoln. And you may as well get something in the Crunchwrap family. You may as well get the dare food that we call Doritos blasted tacos. Some sort of Baja soda. Some sort of Baja inspired soda would be a good. My favorite menu item that Taco Bell ever offered was called the seven layer Crunchwrap and they no longer. A lot of fond memories. These are my people. It was my favorite thing and they discontinued it for safety, for safety reasons. And but if you remember the components and honestly at this point, it's like

go on. Can you just let me for a second? If you remember the components and it's been so many years since they've offered this item, it's basically folklore at this point. A spoken tradition passed down through families that you how to get the seven layer Crunchwrap. But when I go to Taco Bell, literally for me, ordering is like about five minutes long because it's like, not this, add that, add this. And I'm adding some buck wild things. I'm getting fucking guilt because I'm like, and also red strips and like on the Crunchwrap, don't fucking give me shit. You came up with it, got me hooked and then discontinued it. You're fucking full. You're reverse engineering a seven layer Crunchwrap. Yes. I'm reaching into the past. I'm pulling out a seven layer Crunchwrap

without lettuce or tomato because I'm eating Taco Bell. How dare you? God, it makes me angry. It's a safety thing. It's like packing peanuts. Whatever space they take up in your stomach with lettuce is space you can't put more Taco Bell in. Is it okay to ask what year their Mountain Dew Baja Blast is? Oh, what the? What the? What would you pair? If the answer to that question if the answer to the question what year is your Mountain Dew Baja Blast is anything other than 2018 ain't a good vintage. Don't do not do that. Do also let's let's get let's be fair to the cashier because I don't think it's just that they were unhelpful. You said what would you recommend and they responded with silence. I think you got your answer. What should I have?

The void. I guess you should have the void because there's no you should go over to Zach's piece and fucking kick it. This is the closest that that cashier has ever felt to an EMT. Now if I just save 99 more people, then I get to go back to hell. How many references to the the 99 whatever. Two more and we get a free sandwich. Yeah. Is it Yahoo sent in from Alan Mulhall? 93 more and we get to go back to hell. Can't wait. What do you guys like to get? Hey, just hold on a second. What do you guys like to get a Taco Bell for the pizza? Sit back. Sit back in your seat. Griffin, what do you like to get a Taco Bell? I do the fucking Doritos Locos Taco.

I wasn't joking earlier. Like if I'm gonna fuck myself up, I may as well have the good mouth experience of the Doritos flavor. That's very true. You wouldn't go to Taco Bell and I'm like, what's your healthiest option? Sydney does this. Sydney gets the tacos fresco style. What? Just like fresh ingredients that they'll put on there legally. It's gonna fuck you up. You're right. Okay. Alan Mulhall sent this one in. Thank you, Alan. It's an anonymous Yahoo Answers user. I'll call him Jumbo asks. Is that because we said Colombo earlier? Maybe. Who knows how the brain works? Jumbo asked. My grandfather is always trying to kill me in my dreams. I have a good relationship with him, but he is always trying to kill or harm me and sometimes

my mom in my dreams. What does this mean? How good could that relationship be? Yeah. There's some deep seated stuff there. I mean, who knows how the brain works. It's a wonderful device, the brain, because your grandpa comes to you at 8 p.m. and is like, I hope you had a good day fishing, Timothy. I'm gonna lay you down in the bed now and give you a sweet kiss for pep-pep good night. My favorite grandson. Ten minutes later, Timothy. Timothy. I want to tell you some stories about the war, Timothy. The war for your dreams, Timothy. That's right. Your pep-peps gotta harvest your dreams now. Step aside here. Hold my scythe. I'm gonna gather up your dreams. My grandson, Timothy Kruger. Timothy? Is it bedtime already, Timothy? We had a fun day of fishing.

They go fishing every day? Yes. They're fishermen. What do you want? They end up in a living. What are they supposed to do? I got you a Werther's Original here for you to suck along and let the sweet caramel taste take you to dreamland. Good night, Timothy. Timothy! I got you a poison Werther's Original, Timothy. What are their least popular variants of Werther's Original? I love the soft caramel. Not crazy about the poison. You can only find them in certain sit-gos. You have to defeat your grandfather in your dreams. Yes. I'm sorry, Justin. If I know one thing about fighting dreamwalkers, you have to pull scary dream grandfather out of your dreams and fight him in the real world. He needs to kick and fight him in the real world. Yes,

Travis. Sorry, I wasn't paying attention to the last thing you said in your sentence, which was super cool and made a heck of a lot of sense. You gotta kick your real granddaddy's ass. I think we all... No, we all got there. Dreams are just made up of things that you experienced in real life. Correct. So if you kick your old dad's dad's ass, frightening ass, your brain is going to be like, oh yeah, I remember that. Here's some super strength, Timothy. Enjoy it. Yeah, thanks, dreams. It's me, your Madula Obligata. I got you a sword. Because you beat up your old grandfather in your real life. He was trying to take you to fish and you punched him real good. So here you go. Hey, real grandpa, I'm going to hold this sword and I need you to say I'm weak to being stabbed

by a sword out loud right now. Hold on, let me remember it. Anything for you, Timothy? I love you very much. I totally understand. I've been there. I had to kill my grandfather in my dreams. Thanks, Pepe. I need to go to sleep right now while this is still fresh. It's 4.30. Shall I sing you a good night's song? Yes, please. Yes, please. Yes, I love the good night's songs. Dr. Phil's not even over. I can't believe you're going to sleep already. My wife and I recently found out that we're going to be having a boy in September. Boy, boy. That's fucking ruined. But I'm a little worried our son is going to want to play with my cool, cool toys. I don't have any brothers, so I never had a share going on. And I'm still not good at sharing now.

I'm worried that it's not going to be so easy to share once he's here and wants to play. So my question to three dads who are also brothers, how can I tell my son not to touch my shit and get his own toys? That's from possessive and Pittsburgh. Are you here? Yeah. Listen, as a dad, I just want to say your head's to the exact right place. I think you're ready. This is what you should be thinking about for sure. You really should because there's way more heinous shit that you're going to have to worry about. Savor these moments. Right. And also, I will say your, your child's not here yet, right? Cool. So you got some time to get a second house that's your playhouse with all your fun toys. Yeah. Like all well adjusted grownups. Yeah. That you're going to have a lot of time to sneak

off to that. Because that is the thing that's surprising when you have a kid, the free time. Yeah. It's abundant for you to hop in the car, drive the 15 minutes to your storage unit where you can fondle your amiibos and then drive back home. Because your child will look positive. How often your baby child will look at you and go, you know what? I'm good for 15 minutes. I'm solid, Peppa. It's good. No, we're being mean. It's you can't really be afraid of the right stuff. Because for me, I was afraid of the poop part of it. When what I should have been afraid of is not that I would have to touch the poop in some way when the diapers get changed, but that you have to develop a deep fascination in how much you're going to have to investigate

the poop for like fucking like the guy that chef Goldblum plays in Jurassic Park and really get in there to make sure that every, well, yes, you're afraid of changing the diapers, but you don't anticipate the moment where you're like, I can't believe they haven't shit in a while. I know I thought I would love to change the diaper right now. The first time I, my baby, I changed the shitty diaper. It was very early on. It was like second day. And that was one good day you had. You had one super good day. Well, I mean, like it was the next morning. Okay. And very early on, when the baby shits, it looks like their butthole is blowing like a tar bubble. It's so fucking, it's so fucking gnarly. They don't even call it poop. Yeah. It's called like merconium. Yeah. And

it happened. And I looked at the nurse cheering like, yes, I love it. I looked at the nurse. If Justin was the nurse, I went like this. Okay, I'm the nurse. Yeah. Yeah. Because I thought, oh, that's the devil. Yeah. Coming out of my baby's butthole. All right, we can't actually all your hopes and dreams. Yeah, listen, you are over as a, as a, as a parent, let me tell you, you are currently over estimating the value of the toys and underestimating the value that they'll just fucking chill out for a second. And I, I don't, I don't know which of my earthly possessions I would not trade away for my many children to just be fucking chill for a second. My college diploma here. My shorty award from 2008 for being great at Twitter here. Flushing down the fucking toilet.

This is an interaction that happens with Theresa and I basically every day, BB screams and reaches for something. And I just instinctively go to hand it to her. Theresa, you can't give her a fork. Just give me a second. But maybe it would be fine after that. For like 45. If my son, my 17 month old son could speak and say, if you throw your Game Boy in a river, I'll chill for 30 seconds. I would have to run the calculus and like, do I, can I take the cartridge out? And he's like, no, I, no, I, I only like it because of all the Pokemon you're drowning. No, I must feel alive. Daddy, I only want you to drown the Pokemon. That's why I'm making you do this. Drown them for me, dad. But I'll give you a half minute to say goodbye. To say goodbye.

I'll be real quiet. That's it. We're just in there. Yes. Let me give you and everybody in the audience, if you ever want to have a child, the number one pro tip that will protect your toys, protect your child somewhat. Just get them a big spindle of blank CDRs. Folks, listen. Take them off, put them frisbee on the back side. It's like a little mirror for babies. They can put them back on. They can take them back off. You don't need to burn a CD ever again because it's 2018. A big spindle of blank CDRs. Although if you do burn a CD full of treasured family photos and then delete them, they will have a lot more fun with it. They'll

be crazy about the idea that you destroy something valuable. That is the amazing intuitiveness of a child where you're like, here are 50 hundred toys that I bought you. And they're like, cool, cool. Give me your phone. Yeah. This is nothing. This is my only toy. This is my only toy. I just want this. This is a little portal. Daddy gets to look at to disappear for a second. We love our children though. And this is a y'all who's sitting by Esther Joy. Thank you, Esther. It's y'all who answers user. I don't even want to fucking say this one. I've had to say so many bad ones. Will you do this one? Yes, but I'm going to pronounce it weird so that it is cloaked. Well, you'll fuck it up. It's eat baby seals. Don't laugh like it's funny.

This user asked, how did you feel the first time you ate at Golden Corral? When you first saw that beautiful avenue of sweaty food, that that temple of chomps, that fucking tenement of appetizers, uh, Golden Corral. First time I ever ate at Golden Corral was December the 24th. Jesus. That was not the first, wait, no, that was the first time. Can I institute our own no-bummers policy? There's nothing that's a bummer about going to Golden Corral Christmas Eve, the year after your mom died and visiting her tombstone, and then going to Golden Corral. And then going to Golden Corral, just go out to dinner afterwards. At Golden Corral. Yeah. It's the least depressing thing

that's ever happened to anyone. Here's the thing. The amazing thing about it is it did become, hold on, take a second. Listen, we're going to get back to jokes now. And that was a joke of a different sort. So you're going to need a second to sort of get back into the vibe. It kind of became straight out of like a Zach Braff movie. It did get very Zach Braff in a second. It was so depressing that it became funny because of like, this seems like a character of depression. We went to the owner of Golden Corral and we were like, could you stop playing Elliot Smith? And he said, we're not. You know that scene? You know that scene in the Santa Claus? Hold on, let me laugh at that great thing I said. Fuck!

All right now, see it's cresting down. That scene in the Santa Claus where he looks around Denny's at all the other dads there. That was our Golden Corral experience because it was packed. A lot of people who commuted from the cemetery. Yes. How did you feel the first time you ate at Golden Corral? I one time went and ate at the Golden Corral. The Gilded Corral. I ate there before going on to high school because dad was doing an early morning remote there. So I went and had a six a.m. breakfast. You got your belly full of learning fuel. I ate a shit ton of gummy bears. It is weird the first time because you're not quite a girl, not yet a woman, and you're in that in between phase where someone says, there's a bunch of gummy bears up here and nobody's going

to say shit about it. Do you know if you take your three-year-old to Golden Corral on a Saturday morning at 9 a.m.? There's cotton candy just like there. Do you know this? There's no one says no. No, they say actually, yes, please feed the child so we can harvest them. That is my favorite thing to watch. To make gingerbread house. To watch the 7 a.m. kind of Golden Corral breakfast that is both 9 year olds and 90 year olds who both don't care about where it's going after that. Yeah, whatever. Oh, Trav. It just felt a little much. Let me ask a follow-up. How did you feel after the first time you ate a Golden Corral? Like I could take on the world. I actually I'm sorry. Like I had to shit real bad. Yeah. I actually like Golden Corral. There's a lot of

different food there for real reasonable price. Yeah, you know what? If you have a bad if you have a bad Golden Corral experience, it's kind of your fucking fault. Thank you. Are you telling me within an entire boulevard of food? A broken dream. A broken dream. If you don't fill your plate with things that that good move food, then it's your own fault. You can definitely find some edible stuff there. Hold on. You won't make it sound like there's a tiny door that if you just push through that good food box. It's a metaphorical one for sure. It's not. They do toast there. There's not a hackable way to have a good bed like Golden Corral. I'm not saying you go there in the evening and have shrimp and prime rib. I'm saying you go there in the morning. They make this toast

and I don't know how they're doing it. It's butter. It's just a lot of butter and then they fry the toast, but it is great. On my slow carb cheat days, I would roll in the Golden Corral and they'd be like Just eat a bunch of fucking bread? Wait, hold on. To be fair, if it was a cheat day or last meal, Golden Corral is the stop. That's what it says on their signs. I'm going to get a picture of Jeff Fox, Dorothy. If it's your cheat day or your last meal, welcome partner. It's a picture of Jeff Fox, Dorothy in the electric chair. Mine as well. He's holding four forks and it's just ready. That's a good hack actually. If you see your last meal and you're like, uh, I want Golden Corral and they're like, okay. And you're like, sucker. It's an infinite meal, dude. I never leave it. Are you

full yet? No. You've been to the bathroom 48 times. You've been here two hours. You know they carve meat on site. What? On site? What? Yes. If you want them to cut up and cook some of their own hand, they'll fucking do it. It's Golden Corral. Have it your way, baby. How about a mid Yahoo? Okay. Yes. I love you. Yes. It's from Yahoo. Another anonymous Yahoo answers user. I don't have it in me to give him a funny name right now. I'll call them Mr. Amor Stables. I found it. When Dorothy goes back to Kansas at the end of the Wizard of Oz, what happens to Ms. Gulch at the end of the movie? She never comes back again for the dog. This would be the way better ending to the Wizard of Oz. Yes. If Dorothy comes back and then Ms. Gulch rolls up like,

sorry about, I'm glad you're safe. My house got fucked up. It looks like yours did too. And this is like the dust bowl. We're gonna get through this together though. All your cows. Oh, no, no, no, no. My husband got sucked up. He's gone. My husband got forced through a tree. Yeah. I haven't seen him yet. Gonna need that dog though. I'm going to need to go ahead and take the dog still. Nothing has changed. Visa, V, the dog. Listen, I understand that we're all in a difficult place, but law is law. Does she know no law? Does she at some point produce a batch? Like as far as I know. She brings the police? Wait, I don't know. It's a slow time, I guess, for them. Why the fuck does she need the

dog? Because there's an infinity jam inside the dog. Okay, we're done. That's good. We're just gonna leave it there. It's fine. It's fine. We'll be back after our animation. We love you. We'll be back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. Hey, everybody, it's Griffin, and we're gonna do the ads. And I hope you're enjoying the live show that we did in Columbus on our most recent tour. Travis is on vacation this week, hence the live show. Just a note about the audio. We were trying to use these new headset mics that we put on our faces, so I guess we can do, you know, our backstreet boys' moves and larping on the stage, but I don't like the audio quite as much, and so if it sounds a little bit tinny, that is why,

and we're gonna go back to using stick mics, I think, from now on. Also, as long as we're talking about some bullshit, you're about to hear in the second half of the show, we started doing this new way of doing audience questions, where we screened them ahead of time. People send in one sentence emails, and we mentioned this at the beginning of the show, and I cut a lot of it out, because it took a very long time. But yeah, we're doing a new way of doing audience questions, because the audience questions had started to get a little, they were moving away from, like, why we enjoyed doing the audience questions in the first place, and so we tried it this new way, and I think it turned out really, really well, and we were really happy with these questions

from the Columbus show, so I think that's how we're gonna do it from now on. So yeah, you're gonna hear that here in just a little bit, but first, I'm gonna tell you about some sponsors. First off, I want to tell you all about Bowl and Branch. Bowl and Branch, they make all kinds of great cloth stuff. Mostly, though, I'm gonna talk about those sheets. If you ever stayed at a five-star hotel, you know how good you can feel in those sheets. Bowl and Branch sheets turn your bedroom into a luxury suite. You're never gonna want to get out of bed again. I mean, that was true before, but for other reasons, but now that these soft sheets are here, I've just kind of doubled down on the whole sort of concept. Bowl and Branch sheets are crafted from 100% organic cotton. That

means Bowl and Branch sheets not only feel incredible, but they look amazing. You're getting twice the comfort and style at half the price. You can try them for 30 nights and see for yourself, and if you're not impressed, you can return them for a full refund. Go to bowlandbranch.com today, and you'll get $50 off your first set of sheets plus free shipping when you use the promo code MyBrother. That's $50 off plus free shipping right now at bowlandbranch.com, spelled B-O-L-L and branch.com, promo code MyBrother, bowlandbranch.com, promo code MyBrother. I also want to tell you all about zip recruiter. Zip recruiter is the thing that you use when you need somebody for a job, but you don't know them already. Like, say, for instance, I needed, you know, a zookeeper,

so if you're hiring while posting your position to job sites and waiting and waiting for the right people to see it, that stinks on high. Zip recruiter revolutionized hiring. Their technology finds great candidates for you, learns what you're looking for, identifies people with the right experience, maybe zookeeping, and it invites them to apply to your job. Right now, our listeners can try it for free at ziprecruiter.com slash MyBrother. That's ziprecruiter.com slash MyBrother, all-one-word zip recruiter, the smartest way to hire, zookeepers. I bought a zoo and I have no fucking idea what I'm doing with these things. I want to tell you all about Return to the Past. It is a podcast about, it's a very niche podcast that I think is the, I can say this, it is the

premier podcast about the subject that it covers. They say, you know what we're excited about, brothers? Code Lyoko, a French cartoon from the 2000s that's part matrix, part soap opera, and part that show with the foreheads. We are three awkward 20-somethings and long-time fans and we're so eager to talk that we made Return to the Past, a podcast, and they've put a hyphen in between pod and cast, which I've never seen before, but it makes a lot of sense, a podcast where we do just that. Join us as we recap the show and kind of make fun of it, but also get emotional at these very good teens risking everything and saving the world. You can find this podcast on iTunes or Google Play, just search for Return to the Past, or you can find them at atrttppodcast on Tweetoo.

Here's a message for Lazer Girl and it's from the professor who says, Happy birthday, Lazer Girl. This was as close to your birthday as I could get. It's been a great few years with you and I can't wait for more. We should play more D&D. I miss Rys Crangle and Blavid Dane. Let's get some fancy food tonight, cuddle up, and watch some terrible movies. Love always. The professor wanted this around their January birthday, so just barely beefed it on that one by about a third of a year, but we do our best and here's a message for Sydney and it's from Mom, Dad, and Brian who say, Congrats on graduating from college. We are so proud of you and excited to see your future.

You'll always find a D&D group no matter where you go. Sorry we couldn't go on the Joco Cruise last year, but not seeing Travis at GenCon was your own fault. Travis is so omnipresent at this point, what with his con appearances and his book tours and his stand-up specials and his street busking, that if you don't have at least one Travis interaction like per month, it really is your own fault. There's probably more stuff that I'm supposed to talk about here in the ads section, but I think we probably covered it when we did the show in Columbus, so I'm just gonna let you get right back the hell into it. Thank you again for listening. We'll be back with another non-live, a dead episode next Monday, so I'll talk to you then.

Is there a dog in a car at a bar on the street? I'm Alleg Ringo, a small dog owner. My dog, Pistachio, howls when she's excited. And I'm Renee Culvert, a big dog owner. My dog, Tugboat, tips over when he's sleepy. And we co-host a podcast called Can I Pet Your Dog that airs every Tuesday. We bring you All Things Dog. Yes, dog news, dog tech, dogs we met this week. We also have pretty famous guests on But Legs. We're not gonna let them talk about their projects. No. Just want to hear about those dogs. We don't want to hear about your stuff, only your dogs. So join us every Tuesday on Max Fun. This is now a medley. You can make your nostrils get real big.

Shit. I want a munch. Hello, welcome to Munch Squad. The podcast, we're gonna podcast celebrating the latest and greatest in quick serve menu innovations. The Dairy Queen system. I shit you're not. The Dairy Queen system has introduced its first summer blizzard treat menu, which is filled with iconic summer inspired flavors and new innovations. And it's available at DQ and DQ Grill and Chill locations. That's where you want to go, by the way. If you can get to a DQ Grill and Chill

from picking fresh berries in a field to enjoying a summer blockbuster movie at a drive-in, DQ has- Neither of those things do I do. It's got a special blizzard treat to make every summer moment for a movie's reader. The Berkshire Hathaway Company, that's Warren Buffett's joint that bought DQ, and they just want to slip that in, like, mmm, appetizing. What a yummy dude. Delightful. And what universe is ice cream flavored treats? Ice cream treats, not a summer- Summer, they've already got summer on lock.

Yeah, like, it was like, oh, what are we going to do with this ice cream? Well, no one's going to want to eat it when it's hot. The new- the summer blizzard treat menu includes the new Jurassic Chomp with peanut- That's not summer themed. It is, because it's a summer blockbuster, peanut butter blizzard treat in partnership with Universal Pictures Jurassic World Falling Kingdom, which includes the DQ brand's largest mix-in candy ever. That's what I want is a toothier blizzard.

Right. It's colossal choco-dipped peanut butter bites and fudge-topping blend with vanilla soft serve. And inspired by Jurassic Park 3, little chunks of actor Richard Schiff. Just little pieces of Schiff. There's a s'mores one and a cotton candy one, etc., etc. We are really excited about this summer blizzard treat menu launch, says Maria Hockinson, Executive Vice President of Marketing for American Dairy Queen Corporation, ADQ. Summer is full of sun-filled days, late evenings, and unforgettable moments, and that's what DQ is all about.

Now, here's where things take a turn. As part of the launch of the summer blizzard treat menu, Dairy Queen is offering a fan experience unlike any other in brand history. Christ alive. You can become the blizzard. You are fucking heartbreakingly close. The treat industry leader will unveil experiential rooms that bring to life these five summer blizzard menu treats.

It's at May 23rd, a big screen plaza in Manhattan. The public is welcome from five to seven. So the other 22 hours in these blizzard rooms, who the fuck knows what's happening? Some dark shit, obviously, because the public can only be there for two hours when they clean up the blood. Well, that one didn't dose. That's a bad thing. So you're getting 22 hours. Interior designer, author, and DQ superfan, Nate Berkus, has designed the spaces for the

S'mores blizzard treat room and the cotton candy blizzard treat room. I've been a DQ superfan since I can remember. It was, I've got all their t-shirts. It was practically religion growing up. Fuck. Whoa. It's a wonderful full circle moment partnering with DQ on the launch of the summer. Now I can finally die.

I'm so excited to work with my lord and savior, the Dairy Queen system. The fact that Nate is a longtime DQ fan, said Hockenson, made our partnership on the DQ blizzard rooms that much sweeter. He has a keen eye for design combined with his love for DQ, created something truly special to help. Who is the fucking Venn diagram of people that knows interior designers by name and also fucks with Dairy Queen on regular basis? Who is this person?

And can we grill and or chill together? I will also say when you talk about this real life 3D, Iowa world experience, I thought about it Dairy Queen escape room and I got really into it. That'll be so good. Because at the end they turn you upside down and if you don't fall out of the cup, you haven't done it. During the public opening of the DQ blizzard rooms, donations will be collected for children's miracle network hospitals. So I guess now you all are the assholes.

Anyway, that's going to do it for much good. All right. We're going to try this out. I think it's going to be good. Thank you all so much for sending your questions in. Logan in G118, is it weird that we're telling people the person's name and where exactly where they're sitting? Don't use this information.

Come on down. Come on down. Also, Jonathan, main floor four, row X seat nine. Go ahead and get on deck as they say in baseball. There's two, are there two microphones I assume? So Logan, come over here. Yeah, let's get a little bit of house lights. House lights would be great.

Thank you. Hello. Oh my God. There's so many of you. Holy shit. That's so much faster and easier than trying to hunt you all down from a thousand feet away. Hey, what's up? Hi, you're looking for Mr. Cream Cheese.

Yeah, so go ahead and lay out the question there. So I'm a new career teacher and I want to be a nice person. You can angle the mic a little bit. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, you're fine. So I'm a new career teacher and I wanted to have a nickname. Yes. And my last name rhymes with bagel.

So I started off as Mr. Bagel, but then they started calling me the various toppings that go on a bagel. Yeah. Because, yeah. That's just the way kids work. And then the mister was gone. And now I'm just tuna. So my question, my question is I want to roll this back because I've clearly, things have gone off the rails.

So where should the stopping point be and how do I determine it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. The question you sent in, by the way, the reason we chose this one is the question was simply, and this is exactly what we want with this new thing we're doing. Short, sweet to the point and confusing as fuck. Because it was just, how do I make my students stop calling me Mr. Cream Cheese? Now, so Mr. Cream Cheese, here is my question.

So you got this job as a teacher and you thought I need to come up with a nickname for myself that rhymes with my nickname because my students won't think to do that. Oh, yeah. How old are they? Middle school. Oh, day one. Day one. Day one.

Day one. Day one. They won't even hear it. You could say, what is your, what is... Well, no, we already know his first name, so maybe we shouldn't give out the last name and what seed he's sitting in. Make up another name that rhymes with your name and is not Bagel. Go.

Squiggle. Squiggle, yeah, let's go. Squiggle. If you say my name is Mr. Squiggle, they will literally hear and process Bagel. Oh, yeah, instantly, Mr. Bagel. Well, I will say that maybe you got in front of Mr. Kago. And you might have shot. You did.

Fairly. You might have just beaten that with Bagel and they're like, okay. I got an expensive fix for you. Bringing a big box of fresh bagels every single day for your students. And they're still gonna call you Mr. Cream Cheese or... Not a fix. That's the bad news, I guess. I mean, you should have started with this.

There's nothing you can do. Oh, yeah. Anything you, you might be able to control the damage enough to roll it back to Cream Cheese from Tuna. I think I'd rather have Tuna. Would you rather be Mr. Everything? Mr. Everything is good. Mr. Chive.

Mr. Locke's, it sounds like a cool slide. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like from Lost. So anyway, you're fucked and... But, but it could be, it could be so, so, so much worse. Are you a good teacher? Do I like you? I like to think so.

Hey, you're fine, man. They're gonna call you. What if, what if with every different like incarnation of nickname they give you, you work that into the lesson plan? So like, you make it about Tuna that week, and then they're like, oh, okay, he's on to Tuna. We gotta change this to something else. And then you just keep working out until eventually they're out of ideas.

And they just start calling you like, sir. Also, these are middle school kids. Have you said, you all heard of Fortnite? And you just leave the room for... Yeah. So they're done, Gavin. You say, have you teens heard of Fortnite? And then they're just gonna...

And then you can just leave the room. So yeah, that's, does that help? Thank you guys so much. Thank you. You're welcome. Hi. Hey, so I noticed when I walked in and I sat down in my seat, the guy sitting next to me had a box of Reese's PC.

And he's a total stranger to me. And I was just wondering if there was like a correct way to ask him if I could have some. Okay. So what's up? There's... What's great is we know you're in Wii E106. So if you're in E107 or E108 and you're E-degreeses,

these are surprise. Or E105. Yeah. Yeah, are you... Okay, here's what I'll say. Things might get a little awkward here because if it was me, and I had some Reese's pieces in act one, you better believe I'm not going to have Reese's pieces in act two.

No way. Do I still have a... Are you this person? And if you don't want to say anything, because you did not sign up for this, that's fine. Remain absolutely silent. If you still have Reese's pieces and you're cool with sharing a handful of these bad boys,

go ahead and give me a hell yeah. Come on. Yeah. Come on. This might be the best time we've ever asked this question. Did that help? Yeah, thank you. Yeah, thank you.

Go enjoy your peanut butter reward. Go get those peanut butter. Yeah. Hold on. I have to see this transaction happen. Fuck, I'm not gonna believe in mines. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like the end of the breakfast club,

but branded is better than any proposal that's ever happened in our show. He said yes. Hey, Michelle. Michelle, I'm delighted that you're here. Yeah. And Michelle, before you get into it, are you having any second thoughts about this? No, I'm not.

Okay, go ahead, Michelle. Let her rip. Okay, well, actually, I sent in two questions, so did you want the poop one or the coworker one? You know I want the poop one. Michelle. Why did you even ask? Michelle.

Okay, so I have irritable bowel syndrome. What up? Yeah, yeah. And I- You sound like Chris Tucker from Fifth Element. When he talks about his IBS? Yeah, so I've had it for a few years now, and I have this fear that follows me around,

that I'm going to be in an inopportune place, and I'm going to poop my pants. Yeah, like maybe an elevator that has stopped working? Every time I get into an elevator, I think, is it going to stop working? Am I going to poop my pants in front of the six people here that I work with every time I get on the highway? I'm like, is there going to be rush hour traffic?

Am I going to poop my pants in my car? And because I know that one of you shares my syndrome. I'd be surprised if it was just one of us. Okay, and another one of you has occasionally mentioned times that he has pooped his pants. Yeah. Yeah, I don't remember. I told you all the Wendy's one, right?

Y'all heard that one. Yes. And I've told you about the times in high school. All right, Michelle. Just as just bragging in a way that he thinks is cool. I have nothing left. Let me ask you this. Well, hold on.

What's your question? Well, my question is, A, how do I mitigate this fear so that it's not quite so crippling? And B, what's my game plan if it actually happened? Okay, okay. I have a question that I don't know might be pertinent, but might also do something I'm interested in. Yeah.

Are you more afraid of pooping your pants in an elevator on the way up a building or the way down a building? Oh my God, I never thought about it before. Yeah. How tall would a building have to be that you'd be afraid of pooping in a working elevator? Because I went up Willis Tower in Chicago once, and I didn't feel that urge at the ground floor.

But by the time I reached the peak of beautiful, windy Chicago. Are we talking like some sort of Dubai building before it becomes annoying concern? It was Willis Tower. It only has five floors, and I still, you know, feel the fear. So. Yeah. Well, you could take that fear and harness it

and turn it into podcast comedy. Can you come over here? That's fine. It doesn't matter which microphone they're at. Yeah. This is a tough one, because that's the highway fear really resonated with me. Yeah.

Yeah. I had a high school girlfriend, and we went on a trip with her family to King's Island. And. We weren't in Ohio yet, though, and. We were. So he didn't ruin Ohio for you. No.

We were about four minutes out the driveway. And I said, we got to stop at that fucking Super America. Parents who I'm still trying to impress. Are you impressed? You saw me ask to use your bathroom in your house four minutes ago. Right? Excuse me, girlfriend's mom. Do you have any emotium that I can borrow?

Yeah. Well, at the gas station, I did sort of both things, but. This is the challenge, and it can be. You got to think of it this way. It can be fun like a puzzle. No, no, no. You got to think about it fun like a puzzle. Okay. You got to think about it like, don't think about it like,

I have to go check out and make sure what the bathroom is. Every public building that I go into for the rest of my life and think about it more like, I'm going to go on a wonderful whistle stop tour of all the bathrooms of every public building I ever go into for the rest of my life. Do you want to play a game? You've got to be in this rest stop for 30 minutes, and you don't know where the restroom is,

and you might have to ask a human being. Yeah, the anxiety on top of it doesn't help, but if you look at it that way, you can have some fun with it. Also, I will say if you get stuck in an elevator, even if it was like 10 minutes, if I knew someone had pooped their pants near me, I would act even harder like it wasn't someone who had pooped their pants than I normally do.

I don't know what my resting face of this person did not poop their pants is, but I would do it more when I double down on it. And there's a lesson in there. Of some sort. Does that help? I think it might. Okay, good. Thank you, Michelle.

Can we still get more floor mics, please? There's like more on the floor mics. Thank you. Stevie. Stevie. Stevie. Yes, okay, Stevie. Your question was a topic of much conversation backstage.

It delighted all of us to no end. I'm curious. Can I actually, I would love to say Stevie's question first, because I'll be honest, Stevie, we mostly picked it because we had to know more. Yes, with no context, it might be the most fascinating sentence. Yeah, it's like cellar door. It's, how do I, how do I tell people not to touch fish when they touch the fish?

It is like the bare minimum amount of words it needs to be a sentence. Something I try to do. It's one of those sentences that has every letter in the English alphabet. And it's actually the same backwards and forwards. Yeah, it's a, yeah. It's a palace throw. Stevie, what the fuck? First of all, my name's not Stevie.

That was the name I made up in middle school, so I have a secret email. It's okay, you just now made me very, what's... My name is Isaac. I don't know, I was like... What's the, what's the name? Isaac. Isaac, okay. Can I say, do you mind?

Yes. It's a better name than Stevie. I thought about it with my alter ego, Stevie Cortez, instead of Isaac Juarez. They're both good, actually. They're both great. I wish you could be a partner with yourself, because it's a great theme up. Could you mind if we guess? Sure, sure, go ahead.

What do you have questions about? You work at a restaurant. You work at Red Lobster and they, no, no. You work at an aquarium? I wish. Fuck, that was my, that was my safe answer, Isaac. That was, that was the... Somebody, I don't know how you do this.

Hang that human interaction in the fucking Guggenheim. That was the greatest. That was the obvious, how could it not be that answer, Isaac? All right, okay, do you... Now, I'll do one. All right, go ahead and shoot. Is it a fish store? I mean, we sell fish.

What other fucking kind of store could it be, Isaac? Okay, are you... I work at a very popular organic grocery store in the seafood department. Okay, okay, okay. I work at a Toys R Us. You got it. Okay, so people are touching the fish, it seems. We got some reports of people touching the fish, Isaac.

And now, do you say like, don't... The person who designed our department was an idiot. They put it out so the fish can be out, so you can touch it. Are they here? You're not here, okay. I hope not. They designed it so the fish are all hanging from the ceiling, you have to walk through those, like it's fucking gobble guts.

It's a bunch of tables with fish on it. And so... Out, just out there? Yeah, that's what I thought. I'll never forget my interview. I have one question before the interview starts. You guys seem to have left all your fish out on table. Is my job number one, put these away?

You want us to put these away for you? So we have the fish out and we get it for you. We get gloves and we pick it up and say, which fish do you want? We get it and we wrap it up for you. But sometimes when we're preoccupied with other customers, some people will think, oh, there's fish here. I should pick it up with my bare hands.

Like it's a caveman store. Yes. Why doesn't anyone get this? And we don't have a sign that's what we do. It's a tiny postcard that says, please don't touch the fish. And I've constantly asked my higher-ups, can we put a bigger sign that says, please don't touch the fish?

You need one of those fish to be a big mouth, Billy Bass, that just goes... Please don't touch us. Ask somebody. That's not the process. Because of the nature of our store and being positive, we can't put anything out that says no or don't, which is... What is the store?

No, don't say. Okay. But if a sign that says, touch other fish. But put it... We love your impulse. We love the impulse. Touch other fish. But put it on every fish.

Please use other fish. So like, I have two problems. One, how do I get people to not touch the fish? Yeah. And me being the abrasive person I am, I'm really bad at telling somebody. Yeah, you've really rubbed off the wrong way on us. You definitely haven't delighted us for the past five minutes.

Great. Well, like, I'll see someone pick up like a $50 red snapper over the dirty floor, and it's like, no, don't touch the fish. They bought it. Just tell them they bought it. You just bought that snapper, idiot. Well... I hope you're enjoying fucking pretending making it talk.

Like, you just bought it. Like, I asked people, like, have you ever been to a place where they pick up your own raw fish? And I'm like, no. I'm like, why do you think this is any different? Just make them buy it. They touch the fish. Or like, put it down and walk away because I upset them.

Because I was like, don't touch the fish. Okay, if someone in a really nice apron told me, you just bought that fucking fish, stupid, I would pick it up and go to the cash register, leave my purchases there in a pile, and I would buy just the fish and I would move. Yeah. Scissor out.

I, Isaac, I can't stress enough. If someone picks up the fish and you say, don't touch that fish and they put it back down, they weren't planning on buying that fish. They didn't even want a fish. They were just joking around with that fish. They were flirting with that fish. But they weren't willing to date that fish.

Isaac, you gotta move the fucking fish, my dog. This is, no, no, no, no excuses. This is wild. There's no better answer than, your store is broken. You understand this, right? Here's what you do. You screw a couple of the fish to the table.

Okay. They go to pick it up and you say, oh, that's just display fish. Did you want the real fish? They're behind the counter. They're behind the counter. We don't have a counter. Where meat lives. You don't have a counter?

Do you actually work at a store? Wait, hold on. Isaac, this is important. Do you actually work at a Whole Foods or did somebody just tell you to do and it's a table of fish in a parking lot? It's just, what is this open concept Montessori Whole Foods that you work at?

Where everybody can have their own fish touch experience? I don't know. Our meat department has our meat in a case, but our seafood department doesn't. You can just walk up to it and touch the fish if you wanted to. But you shouldn't. Don't touch it. Well, here, you're getting the word out, Isaac.

There's, you know, 2,500 of your closest friends. They're not going to touch the fish anymore. Yeah. And honestly, I think you're hitting a surprisingly large portion of the Whole Foods crowd in the region. I think you've done great work here. And actually, everybody, tell everyone you know don't touch the fish at Whole Foods.

Please. It's important. And that should help to spread the word. Thank you, Isaac. Thank you, Isaac. Thank you, Isaac. You were a treat. One last one.

Callie. Callie. Hello. Hey, what's up? Callie, can we, should we lead with Callie's question? Yes, you should, Justin. Here's Callie's question. How can I get the Tom Brady of washing dishes

to keep the kitchen floor dry? Excuse me? So my husband worked at Mench's Brothers for a while. OK. As a dishwasher, and he was dubbed the title, the Tom Brady of washing dishes. Now, what does that mean? He's really good at washing dishes.

He's really good at it. At Mench's Brothers. OK. Interesting distinction. Go on. He washes dishes at our house. That's wonderful. I'm not complaining that he washes dishes.

You are a little bit. No, I'm a little bit. You are standing at the microphone. Yes, he makes our kitchen floor a lake. He takes the spray hose and just like goes wild. OK, just like Tom Brady. Just like Tom Brady. Well, the issue is that he doesn't care about it.

He doesn't notice it. Because he's about results. Yeah. The dishes are clean, true or false. The dishes are clean. I'm worried about our children slipping. OK. Tom Brady isn't worried about his children.

Nice. He's just out there getting rings. He's not worried about if his children are going to choke on those rings. So the problem is that, and Mench's, what's Mench's Brothers? It's a burger place. OK.

So I'm assuming that like if the floor gets wet there, it just dries later? Yeah, at the end of the night. Because of all the burger heat. Because of all the fresh, typical restaurant things. Sure. We used to do this at the Olive Garden. You'd spray the.

Oh, this story makes you want to barf every time you tell it. You spray the. That's not our, I won't tell it to. No, go ahead. Oh, no, I know it. You spray the floor over the hose and the pasta water gets on your pants. They call it OG water and it would just soak through.

It's rough. And now we're turning your white pants khaki. It smells like the devil's dick. It's the worst thing ever. Justin would come around every day. So is he here, by the way? Yeah, he is way up there. Can you just stand up and take a bow?

It's just such an honor to meet the Tom Brady. Oh, yeah, you are way up there. Here's the problem. You could have him start mopping up the floor. And he's going to do a killer job of that too. But then somehow he's going to like get the ceiling dirty. It's a little old lady who swallowed the fly situation. Right.

The main issue is we have a dishwasher. Like we have a... Yeah, his name is the Tom Brady of dishwashing. Don't put him in a fucking John Henry scenario. Yeah, or you're like, I'm going to load up the dishwasher. Oh, okay. Equal number of dishes, equal amount of dirtiness. Who gets the floor more wet?

You put a load in the dishwasher, you give him the half of them, you say whoever gets the dishes the cleanest and also keeps the floor the driest will be declared the winner. I can do that. He'll be cool with it. Well, I mean, nobody likes what...

Do you hate... Everybody be so quiet. Do you like washing dishes? Love it. He said he loves it. Poked at home. He said he loves it. Yeah.

We can't take this away from him. Maybe you can be the other good football player of floor drying. You can be the grump-cowsky of drying. Is that an option? That's a thing. Can you tie towels? That's a football name.

Did you say you have kids? We have twins. Can you tie towels to their feet? I can't get in the way of his dream and his art, if I may be so bold. Do you not want him to go pro? Do you think Giselle looked at Thomas like, you're getting the floor wet, Tom?

You got it back down, and he said, but I got to get those rigs. It was a 98-yard touchdown pass. He made the field all wet, though. So fuck that guy. There's a lot of work-round. Drying the floor is way easier than cleaning a bunch of sticky old lasagna off a bunch of nasty old plates.

Ew, gross. Kelly, does that help? I know the truth, but thank you. Thank you. I'm really... Okay, I just want to say I'm really proud of myself. I went that whole question about Tom Brady without talking about him wanting to fuck a mattress.

That was great. Good job, Kevin. I went the whole question. I want to say Tom Brady wants to fuck that mattress. Thank you, Travis. Everybody, I want to say a huge thank you to the staff of the Palisade. You guys are amazing.

Thank you. Thank you to Paul Saboren, American hero. Thank you to Sam from AEG. Thank you to our daddy, Clint McElroy. Thank you, Max Fun. Max Fun's fun reminder that there are posters in the lobby. And also, how good is Cosi, though? I didn't even get to talk about how much I love Cosi.

I love going back in time. You know, the time tunnel. You go back in time. And they used to have a tunnel, but they don't have a tunnel. I had like a mining one that I would go when I just needed to like sit in the dark. I like the one where you can dip the big ring in and pull out a huge bubble.

I like the Crackerjack Museum. I love all of that. Thank you to Cosi for being there. Thank you, Columbus. Thank you to AJ. We mentioned the posters. Thank you to AJ for making the posters. Thank you to Cosi.

And thank you to you. And to John Rodger. John Rodger is pleased for the songs that are part of the album, Putting Days Back. Thank you to Columbus. We have one more question from my brother Griffin. This one was sent in by so many fucking people. Thank you all very much.

It's from Yahoo Answers. Use your question mark. We'll call them Audible. We already did that one. Travis asked this one. That's what you get. Travis asked, does tigers have breasts?

My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, and me. Kick your dad's square on the left. Artist owned. Listener supported. Thank you so much to the over 28,000 members

who joined or upgraded during the 2018 Max Fund Drive and to all of our monthly members. You showed up in full force to help us reach our goal and to show our appreciation for putting up this year's batch of Max Fund Drive exclusive enamel pins on sale for all $10 and up monthly members. And just like last year,

we're giving all the profits to charity. For 2018, we're supporting the National Immigration Law Center. The sale will run from May 18 through May 28, so don't miss it. $10 and up monthly members will be receiving personalized code and instructions to purchase pins on May 17. So keep your inbox open and notifications on.

For more details, head over to maximumfund.org slash pins and to learn more about the National Immigration Law Center and support them directly, you can go to nilc.org.