My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 407 : Morton Shart's Joke School

Episode Date: May 21, 2018

In this episode, Justin reveals to the rest of us that he has enrolled in celebrity-led internet comedy classes. As you might expect, this becomes a primary focus for the other two brothers throughout the remainder of the program. Suggested talking points: A Georgia-Fried Prawnline, Saddle Bag Spanking, Guy Club, Bathroom Friendship Window, The Worst Money Zone Transition in the History of Earth, The Sitting Tree, Einstein's Bones

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, welcome on Brother My Brother Meet and Advice Show for the Modern Era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis of McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother and 30 under 30 Griffin McElroy. I love that feudal vibe, Travis. Thank you. Hello everyone. Everything we do on this podcast is feudal, Justin.

So I have chosen my summer aesthetic. I'm ready to announce it. I've been on pins and needles. Yeah, I did kind of a soft opening and now I'm ready to do a hard opening. Just the vibe, the look, the feel, the smell, the taste. It's pineapple. Now here's the thing, Travis, what do you mean? I'll tell you Griffin, thank you for asking. I've got pineapple shorts, pineapple socks, pineapple sleep pants, the summer t-shirts. I'm not done. I've got pineapple in my fridge. I've got pineapple button-ups. I've got a pineapple candle. I've got pineapple tea. Everything's pineapple. Okay, now go. Well, what I loved about that segment is that it was a good way of checking your audio because your plosives are so bad, man, and you got to move your pop filter

away. And that was a good- It's not my pop filter. Oh, it's so- Yeah, Travis, every time you say it, it's like getting punched. It's my big beautiful lips. Luxurious. That's my guy for the summer. My aesthetic is this guy. Just everything that happens in, you know, you ever meet these people in books and film, where they are so delighted by everything that seems to be happening around them. And you think, what are they on? Well, maybe they just decided that was their summer aesthetic, and that's who I am. Stock market looking good. What's the clothes like for that one? Get this. I'm going to wear khaki shorts and relaxed t-shirts with different beaches on them. That sounds like a relaxing sort of vibe. That sounds fairly standard, Justin.

Yeah, no shit. I keep a summer aesthetic 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year, just because the calendar has caught up to my look doesn't mean I'm going to reinvent myself to keep it fresh. Can I offer maybe same khaki shorts and beach t-shirts? Higher up. Well, but also maybe like a monocle and walking stick is what I was going to say. Okay. Okay. Mr. Peanut. Mr. Spicy Hot Summer Peanut. A little bit of Mr. Spicy Hot Summer Peanut. Mr. Boiled Peanut. Yes. Because I like to take it down Georgia. I like to take Georgia. I like to take it down Tybee Island. Get the boiled peanuts. Get those at any roadside stand. Maybe a prawn lean. Maybe treat myself to a prawn lean, which is a prawn that has been canned. All the most southern food imaginable.

The most southern food imaginable, the prawn lean. A Georgia fried prawn lean. A Georgia fried prawn lean. Fried and then boiled. We fry them and we boil them and we fry them again and they descend to great. And we snort them. And we love it. Snort them and they're delicious. My grandpa used to do it. This is my summer aesthetic. My big Michelle Tanner sunglasses. Candy necklace, candy bracelet, candy bracelet, one for each wrist. Oh, okay. And I guess ecstasy. I guess sort of just like a nice 90s sort of rave, rave kid glow in a dark body paint but worn during the day. Body spray. The spray is there. Body spray, spray tan. That's essential. You know, candy necklaces are fun when you're a kid. And when you become a parent, you realize that they are the literal worst.

They are permanent stickiness. Hmm. That's interesting. It's an interesting concept isn't it? Usually the way of your life, the two different, you kind of let go of night and day and start to cling to sticky or not sticky. Those are just kind of the two phases that your life is in, either your child is sticky or they're not sticky. What candy jewelry suggests is, hey, take the sticky with you. Take the sticky all year round in the car at the carpet store. Yeah. Yeah. Anywhere. Your kid can be sticky, which is in a moment's notice and you can't throw it away because it's jewelry. It's a permanent object that just is sticky all the time. Hard to sneak away from the child. Cannot, cannot, cannot sneak away. Richard, this sticky belt, sticky belt,

a sticky belt, made of fruit leather, made of nerds rope, webbed, webbed, nerds rope, sticky belt, wear it all day, get the sticky pants, but not in the naughty way. So that's my aesthetic, just a real sticky boy. Candy boy. Candy boy. Thank you, Justin. Pineapple boy. A successful man, I guess. And the sticky. I believe it was luxurious, man. Luxurious, man. And there's nothing to imply that a non-successful person couldn't be luxurious. And the sticky boy. Let's get into the advice. Just a month's old follow-up, I'm currently listening to episode 365 and just want to let you know, as someone who works in emergency services, we always instruct people stuck in elevators to not try to climb out until

a technician or first responder tells them it's okay. People can get cut in half as Griffin worries. Cool vibe to start the show with Travis. Cool vibe. Next thing. I just wanted to make sure Griffin knew that his fears were justified. Thanks. That's a service I never requested from you, and I'm glad you've came through with it. We should maybe do PSAs more. Just like every once in a while, I'll have a PSA. PSAs specifically relating to Griffin's fears. No, I don't think that that's the kind of vibe we want to harness, because as somebody who is currently managing a previously mismanaged anxiety disorder, I have found that no matter how much you want to do your funny show, sometimes the Spookies can get in there.

No, go ahead. Turn my mental nightmare hellscape into your playground, Travis. We did a whole fucking episode about tarantulas. I think maybe I can mention this one thing about elevators. Travis, that was for television. That was all make-believe. Well, no, I mean, I would do something like that for television. This is a podcast. I mean, come on. Is it because the stakes are lower here, so it's just not worth it? It's just not worth it. Got it. The stakes are so much lower. It's just a podcast. Just a podcast. For television, though. Damn, my hands smell like pizza so bad. Can I stop podcast and wash my hands? What? Pizza for lunch three hours ago. Hands smell like sausage, mushroom, pizza stinks really bad. I have a bottle of water here. I'm

going to try and dump some of this on my hands. Okay, you try that. I'm going to tell you that three hours ago, I also had lunch pizza. I had a salad. Oh, the stink won't come out. Was it reheated, Griffin? Yes, yes, it made the stink go crazy in a while on the pizza bread. Can I tell you something that will treat you right? If you haven't tried it already, fold it in half and put it in a waffle iron. You will never reheat pizza better. And then put the waffle iron in the microwave. No, don't do that. Do my thing, though. It works. Is there a cool way to run with a backpack on? I just returned to grad school and I want to make a great impression. However, I'm usually late to class and I'm always tempted to kick it up to a jog. How can I swiftly haul my precious books

and impress my peers at the same time? That's from encumbered in East Lansing. You know what I like. What do you like? When you get there to your desk at class, that's your assigned seat for grad school. You know how they do that in grad school? They assign you seats and they do roll call and everything, the whole nine yards. And when I would walk into class and I would take my backpack and I would just kind of fucking underhand chuck it into the side of my desk and sit down with a huff every class, every day. Damn, that was a good look. Such a power play. Let everybody know I am not one to be effed with today. A real like book bag bad boy. I wish, God, I wish I could remember who said it. I can't remember who was a performer or an individual, but someone once said

that everybody running with a back with a backpack on is instantly Michael Sarah. Something about it is so funny to me. Is the problem with this? Is the problem with this? Let me hit. I'm theorizing here. I'm not making any grand statements. So don't like just don't tweet me. Give me a second. Is the problem that if you see somebody wearing a backpack, your instant assumption is they're in school of some sort, some sort of school. And if they're running and they're going to school, that makes them a nerd. Well, no, there's one of two things. Either they're excited to get there or they're just so darn worried the teacher is going to give them a demerit. They got to hurry up. Like they're both lame. Like I think that the problem is you just assume that they don't want to

get a little ruler smack on the wrist. They got to hurry up and get to class. It's adorable. The irony there, Justin, is that if I saw somebody wearing a book bag and like skateboarding to school, I would think how cool is that? But that is going to get there so much faster than somewhere. They are maybe more worried about timeliness than anybody else, except they're going to get hassled by Officer Peterson. Yes, as evidenced by the film Back to the Future, where Marty McFly panics and says, oh, I'm late. And he's skateboarding real hard to school. Yeah. And let's talk about this stupid saddlebag that is a messenger bag. You cannot run in one of these things. No. The pendular motion with which it swings hard into your butt cheeks is a non-starry class. Like you just got a big,

fresh spankin' from the strongest man in the world. Please don't tweet me if you have a backpack and don't go to classes. I have a backpack and don't go to classes, except for my master class that I'm currently taking online with Steve Martin teaching me comedy. So I guess I am in the educational system after a fashion. Now we have to talk about that for a long time. I don't think I don't think no juice. How long was the class on Arrow through the head? Was that a long runner? There is a props class. I'm currently at lesson 10 student session workshopping Tim's act. So this is Tim and three of his friends do their stand up. I even do their stand up, guys. It's wilder than that. They wrote down their stand up and their act and they give it to Steve Martin

and the Arrow man looks at it and reads their stand up back and then critiques it as he reads it and then asks them how they perform it. And I'm screaming at the screen like, just let him do it, Steve. Just do your act for Steve Martin. It feels like you paid money to watch somebody else go to school. Well, no, that's just one. That's lesson 10. From lesson one through eight, it's getting started in comedy, gathering material, finding your comedic voice, developing a comedic persona. Just in the first few lessons, you're going to get Steve Martin telling a great anecdote about Charles Groden, insisting that when he sees two people fighting,

it's important that he let them fight so he can watch and learn about for his writing, for his craft and also some very good impressions of Chris Rock by Steve Martin. Yeah, no amount of money. I wouldn't pay for that. I don't think are okay. It's just not appropriate. It's also, he does an impression of for reasons that I cannot detail here because the class is behind a paywall. He does an impression of Chris Rock doing the Groucho Marks bit about, I would never join any club that would have me as a member. And he's like, I can't help but think, what if Steve, what if Chris Rock did that bit? Here's what it might sound like. Oh no, Steve. And then right after he's like, I'm not an impressionist, but you get the idea.

And it's like, I do get an idea, Steve. You can't hate the one. That is a bullshit catch all for any impression. I'm not a juggler, but you get the idea. Can you, what if you run with the backpack in your hands? Ooh. What if you just hold the backpack as a convenient container for the books and apples that you have, but you just hold it in your hands and you run with that out in front of you? What if, what if you carried it in a little wagon behind you? Is that cooler? I think that that could be good. A little wagon. So the little wagon, Travis, would have all my books and apples in it. That's a great thing about the wagon is, if you need to, if you get there early, just put a little sign, just hang a little sign on the wagon. It says apples, one shiny quarter.

And then you can make a little side money before you go into class because you're selling apples. But you could put like some sick flame decals on the wagon and really dress it up. That's like, Travis, I think that's maybe the dumbest fucking thing you've ever said. I did it. People are going to think that you're selling spicy apples. If they see the flames on there, they're going to think, ah, this is a spicy apple. Oh, I don't like those southern spicy apples. What am I? A luxurious man? Southern style spicy apple boil. A southern style spicy apple boiled? No, thanks. I can't handle that kind of flavor. Quarter is a good deal, though. For a whole apple? For a whole? Hey, do I have to split the apple with anybody? Do I pick quarter and it's all mine?

Because it just says apple, which is both the item and like the, the multiple version, like the amount and the number is both apple. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's beautiful. That's because Steve did you that one? Steve taught me that one. Now Steve taught me the importance of editing, so I'll be taking that out later. Griffin, do you have a yahoo that you'd like to share with us? I do. Here's a, one of those yahoo's sent in by Lauren McGregor. Thank you, Lauren. It's yahoo answers user. They're anonymous, but I'll call them, Bavis asks, need to create a chapter for Fight Club? I need to create a new chapter for Fight Club as part of my culminating activity. It can start anywhere in the book or can even be about a character

specifically. I need ideas. Oh, I misunderstood that I thought we were talking about chapter like new branch of a group? No, this is a chapter in the book, Fight Club by beloved author, Chuck Paulink. And it can go anywhere in the book. So like right in the middle, it could be like, and that's when Tyler and I started Fight Club. On a different note, I also took a trip to the laundry. Oh, that's good. We can drop that one in pretty much anywhere between chapters one and final chapter. Yeah. Maybe it can be a nice sort of you're in the rising action of the climax of the book. And it's like, but wait a minute, Tyler is gone rogue. Everything's gone all shitty and bad. But this laundry is not going to clean itself. It's got the blood of myself and all of my

guy friends on it from the Fight Club. So I went there and didn't have enough quarters. So I said, anybody want to fight me? If I went, I'll get your quarters. And they said, yes. And I had a sad realization that I was the Fight Club the whole time. And that was the big twist to Fight Club. I was the Fight Club. And everybody looked at me and they were like, is it? And I said, yeah, that's guy blood. Just a bunch of fellas duking it out with the guys. Just with the fellas. The original name of the group was Guy Club. We all got so darn angry. But then we came up with the masterpiece of a name that is Fight Club, not Fighting Club. That's for Fight Club. But they said, no. If you and your group of guy friends

wanted to get together and eat at nice restaurants around the city, get to know the culinary scene across the town in which you live. We call it Eat Club. And it's nice. It's me. It's Tai Tai. It's Meat Loaf. Are you making fun of me because I was in Food Club in college? No. Food Club is one thing. Eat Club is another. Okay, so. Food Club is a fine name. Travis. Food Club was good. Travis has a good chapter idea. Could we do... I don't know that I know enough about Fight Club to come up with a sort of post script that would be especially entertaining.

But I think maybe we could do a before first chapter, chapter zero. A prequel. A table setter. If I got this one, how about this? It's the climactic scene into Fight Club, but chapter zero. And Renortan is there fighting Tyler Durden. Gessie beats him. And then that other person is there and they watch as all the bombs go off and it's so sad or good. I don't know. And then what happens? Men in Black show up and they say, sorry, folks. They flash them and they forget it. And then they start the cycle over again.

Oh, Griffin. And that's chapter zero too, right? And then we get the same chapter. Then we bookend it. We start with Flash. And I couldn't remember how I got there. But my friend Brad Pitt was there and then that starts, right? And then you get to the end and it ends with the flash and you're like, oh, memento. And then it says at the bottom, for the rest of the story, turn back to page one. And then what do you know? They're reading our book forever and we're making money, money, money, money. That's right. Every time they read dollars, dollars, dollars.

Did you finish New Fight Club? I don't think I did. I'm still like in it. Maybe they could finally do a scene about who got the belt at the end. And they were like, and we realized that we didn't have a belt the whole time. And that's why things went so bad. Because no one ever got to be the champion of Fight Club. So then we bought a belt at the store, a special metal belt, like on wrestling shows. And then we, that was... And it said best buddy. And it said best fight.

Because we were like, wait, so I'm a fight? You're the best fight. Good. A good club. And then, and that's all there is to tell. I've been Chuck Pollinuck. I'm also the main character in this book. The end. Thanks for enjoying my book. And he ties himself in like Stephen King. Yeah, thanks for reading my book. Now looking at this flashy light. When my parents are ready to eat dinner, they always insist on waiting for me to get to the table before they start. This is usually fine, but they'll often wait even when I'm in the bathroom. If I'm taking a long time, they'll sometimes ask in a joking manner, did you fall in?

How am I supposed, sorry. Okay. How am I supposed to respond to this without saying I'm in the middle of a very important, you know, poop. Knowing that right outside the bathroom door, my parents are sitting at the dinner table, forks in hand and ready to chow down. That's from embarrassing situation in the Empire State. A New York dookie. A New York dookie. Here's the thing about this. One of you, either your parents are you, is either horrible timing dinner or timing poops, or is like purposefully fucking with the other. Yeah.

Yeah. Like they see you reach for the bathroom door handle and they're like, time for dinner. Yeah. So what's the fix here that they start eating without you? Because that's a bomber, I think, right? I think it's good to eat dinner together as a family and it's not, you know, it's not anybody's fault that your intestines are rude or whatever. Maybe a chin height serving window between the bathroom and the. Now we are cooking. I get so lonerly in there. And all I want is a little boat porthole that I can just sort of crack open and just be like, I love you, mommy and daddy. How's it? Oh, mommy and daddy, how's the Salisbury steak? That looks so great. I'm excited to have some of that. Sorry, you know how it is, New York City.

You know how it is. Always gets me. If you're in New York, how do you fight the temptation to append New York style to every item that you order? Yes. I would like a New York style Big Back and a New York style medium fry and a New York style apple pie, please. Because I'm going to take a New York style dump later. I just hate talking about poops. I was hoping, you know how we always have these great non sequiturs and they lead us away from the central topic. I was hoping we might be able to stop. Yeah, let's get on. Let's ride that. We could do what I do, which is sometimes I use nap as a euphemism for going to the bathroom or like I need to go take a nap. Bathroom again. But that's what I'm saying is we can use naps. Like I'm going to take a New

York style nap and then you don't know which one I'm talking about. You mean in the sense of this podcast and not in the sense of your life. So what you mean? Like in the in your life, you say, I'm going to go take a nap sometimes. I think it's fun. It's just a fun thing I do. It's a lie. Well, it's one of my eccentricities. I don't like I can't. Okay. I have a wife and a lot of kids. I cannot imagine saying I'm going to take a nap, not taking a nap and then having to live with the expectations that are put onto a person who has napped because you if people think you have napped, you'd better be at your best self, especially if you're a parent to several kids. You have got to be the best you you can be for that nap and it better have been worth it. And I

can't imagine trying to live up to that when I've not actually gotten the napping question. Well, way to really poke holes in the fun thing that I do, Justin. Way to take a little bit of the fire out of my eyes. That's fine. That's a single pair. That's a single kid parent move. I'm telling you, when you get to the big leagues of multiple, a plentiful children, then it's just not going to fly anymore. You're going to have to be a little bit more deliberate with your why I'm leaving the rooms. I mean, FaceTime. Interesting. Because that's sort of the worst of both worlds. Isn't it, because then you're not eating and people are watching you use the bathroom. It's pretty much

the worst. It's perfect. We solve both. One, we do a tasteful crop. How about it, Tim? How about that button? I'm not talking about art, film, angles of the bottom half. I'm talking about a tight crop on my beautiful sun face while I'm in the toilet. And maybe a filter. So it also seems like, oh, maybe he's in the speakeasy column. Yes. Instead of like, oh, we'll have the pulldown screens like in Pee Wee and pull it down. Like, maybe he isn't FaceTiming us from the restroom, but instead is on a beach. You know, they don't know. And I tell you, the other thing we're going to need juice is some bathroom food and not the dinner that you're going to eat when you finish up and get to the table, but just sort of special food

you keep in the bathroom. So you can at least sort of complete the fantasy that you're having a nice meal with your parents. Like cook-style fake food? No, don't know why. That's always the well you run to. I'm talking about real last week things. Just a plate of them there for my convenience so that my parents know I still love them enough to have a nice, you know, hot meal with them. Oh, like rehearsal food. Like we had that in Fido where you would have like rehearsal, so you would just have like little blocks to represent your steak and potatoes and stuff. Let's take a break. Well, I want to end this on a funny, like anything remotely funny. Do a joke thing, Griffin. There's a lot of pressure. Here's the thing about writing a joke.

This is what Steve told me. What Steve taught me is you're going to take, you're going to do what they think. You're going to make them think. You're going to make them think, you're going to do something and then you're going to just twist it or invert it in an ironic way. Can you do that, Griffin? Can you just make us think you're going to say something and then at the end you twist it? Yeah. Go, Griffin. So what if you came out of the bathroom and your parents are like, did you fall in and then you say, my wife? I, about 15% expected you to say my wife. I could have called that. I'll try again. Shut the fuck up. Okay. Well, if you come out. Wait, hold on. Do you want me to write these down as you're doing them? Because this is kind of joke

writing. Can we do notes? Okay. I'll pretend I'm Steve. Okay. So you come out of the bathroom and your parents say, did you fall? But you're already yelling at them. Do not go in there. Do not go in there. Do not go in there. A quick note for you, Griffin. If we're talking about inversion, maybe do go in there. Go check that out. Yeah. Now, who are you? Because I'm Steve and I don't understand who Travis is. I'm Martin Short. Okay. He's teaching a different class, but at the same time as Steve Martin's. My Skype messed up, but it sounded like you said Morton Short. I'm Morton Shark. Morton Shark. Hey. Okay. I think we got something there. You know, he's an extrovert. That's what Steve says. He said, most comedians are introverted,

but not, not, not Martin Shark. Not Martin Short, who I would still love to have on the program. If he's got any spare time, I would love him to come by. And Steve too. Bring your friend, Steve from House Theater. Nope. See, now we need another joke again, Justin, because you went to Steve Farton. Okay. Very. See, that's a good closer. And that is the joke that will close on at that. What did he say? What did he say? Steve Farton. Steve Farton. No, we got it. No, we got to keep looking. No, that's the joke. I'll let you know. We've got a good enough joke to go to the Money Zone, but that wasn't it. And you know it. Okay. We'll do another one, Griffin. Yeah, go in the bathroom. Okay. And parents say,

can you stop for a second? I don't, I don't want to mean to critique you. But I would love if you kind of warm, warm us up a little bit, because we're, you're coming out cold. We don't know us. We don't know you. A little crowd work. A little crowd work. Okay. But don't just do like, how's everybody doing? Because Steve says that's a huge wasted opportunity. You've wasted one of the best moments. This sucks for me. This sucks for me to like be here and be a part of it. So like I can't imagine listening to it. You could do it. I believe in you. So I was in the bathroom the other day. How are you guys doing by the way? Love to see you. See a lot of lonely hearts out there tonight. See if we can't do anything about that. I'd love to, I'd love to, I'd love to give

each of you a gentle kiss, but I was in the bathroom and my parents came, I, my parents came out of the bathroom and then I was at the dinner table. And I say, I was like, did you fall in? And they said, no, we did a divorce. How about this? What if you were doing a divorce? What if you make them come in after you? They will be, it's a waiting game at this point. Eventually they're going to come check on you. And if you've waited them out long enough, they're going to be so happy that you're okay, that they're not going to be mad that their steak is cold. Is this a note for Griffin? Are you telling him how to do the, did you fall in? I did. Please God help me. I'm trying to answer the question. You say, you could say go,

what did you fall in? Just go in the bathroom or something you need to see. They go in, they fall in the tiger pit you built in there and you lean over the edge and you say, did you fall in? I'm going to eat your macaroni. And then you eat all their macaroni. Now that felt like a my brother, my brother, me joke. Now we can go to the fucking money zone. Let's go. Why was that so hard? It was so hard because Justin kept talking for 15 minutes about Steve Martin's nugs, his dank nugs of whiz. The rest of us are trying to make a fucking podcast over here. Justin's talking about this. I'm trying to elevate it. I'm tired of spinning our wheels. I want it to be something special and funny. Justin's out here telling us about the

great fucking mixed nuts behind the scenes stories he saw on the fucking internet that he paid $4,000 to see. Travis starting out here trying to make a fucking podcast. You hear me say Steve Fardon? I've been working on that for six weeks. Right, Justin. That was a gift Travis gave you. And I burned that because Justin fucking wouldn't shut up about it. I burned that joke. Steve Martin helped me write that joke. He said, if worst comes the worst, you can always say Steve Fardon and I said, thank you, Steve. Now we need another joke before we go to the fucking money zone. This is purgatory. This is the endless fight club book. Okay, well, moving on to the money zone. Let's go. I'll tell you all about Squarespace. Squarespace is a website you do to make other

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use the offer code my brother to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com slash my brother all one word, enter the code my brother. I would like to tell you about ring. Hello. Oh, sorry. I thought I was getting a phone call. Oh, see, I was going to say the scary movie one with the with the person in the TV. Why is it a battle every time? Why is it a battle every time? Why can't you let me just give you a gift of comedy? Do we all need to take Steve's fucking class together? You see the kind of shit that I'm coming out with though? I'm coming out every single one. Just as I brought fire. Just as harness Steve's red fire traps are either cold because we didn't know that we had to step

up our game with the comedy classes. That's the disconnect is because I'm used to working with the professional like Steve. You're going to receive. And we're just bringing the a big part of his class is him saying the setups of jokes. Then you send the punchline back to him and he just sort of nods knowingly. But and that has really been a good confidence booster for me. Can he see you? He can see you. Yeah, it's a two way thing. Yeah, it's a holler. It's more. It's not that Steve Martin. Okay, I understand the mother fucker. I see a text now where Justin says we're all going to do those masterclass classes online. But he didn't say the Steve Martin one. I took the Wolfgang Puck one. Okay. For where he teaches you about body massage.

I think that was Wolfgang Puck. Wolfgang Pucks. Oh, let me do one. Hold on. Let me try one. This is good. Wait, you can't edit out my Wolfgang Pucks. You can't edit it out. Wolfgang Pucks time to fuck. And it's a sex class taught by Wolfgang Puck. Hello. It's me, Wolfgang Puck. And I'm ready to teach you. It's time. It's time to go. Let's go. I know about four discrete around hygienist zones. Okay, you are a jargeaker. Yeah, I'm basically a jargeaker. I love ring. I was actually excited when they signed on as a sponsor because I love that check. But also, I was already a ring user. You slap one of these bad boys to your door and then when there's any motion outside, you're going to get a notification about it. And

it is a great way to protect your home. It's a great way to like see if you want to get up. When somebody rings the doorbell and it's just like a package or something, you get to see who's there. One of the really neat features is that it has like a community feature where if people have noticed some weird stuff in their area, you'll actually get a notification about it. And like maybe they've appended a video clip. I got a really, which is also just like, it's really surreal. I got one where this woman was going door to door in southern Ohio and scratching numbers into people's door frames and then running away. What? That is an ARG. It was like five different clips of the same woman doing the same thing. And that, my friends,

is worth the price of admission as far as I'm concerned on a ring doorbell. You can respond to anybody using your smartphone. So if they press the button to, you know, obviously ring the bell, you're going to get a notification on your phone that says, hey, somebody's ringing your bell and you can answer it and actually talk to them through your phone. And you can also, I didn't realize this. That includes when you're not home, which is one of the things I really did. You can buy sort of like chimes that you plug into outlets and they'll chime too when your doorbell goes off. So it's just like a regular doorbell. It's not just your phone, which is something I didn't know when I signed up. But it's very, it's a very cool thing. And right now,

as one of our listeners, you can save up to $150 off a ring of security kit when you go to ring.com slash my brother up to $150 off the ring of security. There's the veya doorbell. There's the ring floodlight camera. There's you get stuff, you know, an old timey ship cannon. They used to blast those robbers. They get old timey ship cannon and then they try to come into your house and you get them. You just get them with the big ship cannon. There are no ship cannons in as part of the ring of security. I'm sorry. It's a bunch of paint cans tied on the long strands of rope that you hang up over your staircases and some broken Christmas ornaments. So again, you can save up to $150 for all that, the cameras, the doorbell, the paint cans,

the big ship cannon. When you go to ring.com slash my brother up to $150 off at ring.com slash my brother ring.com slash my brother. It does not come with paint cans or a ship cannon. And I'll go ahead and apologize right now to ring so I don't have to send the email later. I want to tell you about Fat Owl Fashion. Fat Owl Fashion is a small independently owned fashion boutique providing unique handmade stylish clothing and accessories. Fat Owl Fashion specializes in adaptive fashions for the disabled community, LGBTQ pride wear, plus sizes and gender nonrestrictive clothing. If you can't find something that's your perfect style, custom designs for everything from costumes, pageant gowns are ready to wear items are available. So you can visit

Fat Owl.Fashion that's F-A-T-O-W-L.Fashion and enter the code shrimp heaven now all one word at checkout and you'll receive 20% off your order. So go check that out. That's that's a really cool idea. That's a cool idea. Fat Owl.Fashion. It's a cool idea and the best name for any business I've ever heard in my entire life. It's excellent and the sum that they've got a t-shirt that is is sort of for the pansexual community and it's a big stack of pancakes and it says fantastic and it is delightful. It's very happy. It's great stuff and they've all got a fun sense of humor about it and I think it seems like a good place to shop for duds. Holy shit I get to read this next one. It's for Avital. It's from Rishi who says oh shit. Yep. I saw him on stage

and he was singing out to heaven. I swear arms outstretched so at peace with himself just so free. I started crying. 15 years ago you Avital Isaacs wrote that about Chris Martin. Two years ago I told the world one year ago I created www.coldplaycrybaby.com. Now it has become a prayer and this my pilgrimage. Well let's go ahead and stop by that website. Gonna go ahead and check it out and it is I'm happy to report. Very good. It's a very good website. It's looks. You know what I'm not gonna ruin it. Just go to this website. And hey don't go on your phone. Get a big screen in front of your phone. It may break your phone honestly. If you can attach it to your TV. Use your TV as a monitor. Maybe just leave it in long enough for it to burn him. It is a working member of the

Coldplay Web Ring. The very first website that it took me to says thank you for visiting my site after years after writing this site for four years. I've decided to take it down to focus on seeking a degree in chemical engineering. I still love Coldplay exclamation point and that is the first page in the ultimate Coldplay Web Ring. So the ring is broken for Coldplay. Juice hit me with this next one. This is a message for Dorothy and Desi and it's from Marcus Carver and it says this is for my lovely wife Dorothy and our pretty okay roommate Desi. I hope you guys like being embarrassed by me for years to come. I hope we had fun at Mbem-Bem live in Chicago. I hope you did too. Holy shit. Really got in early. I guess you would have had to.

Because the shows were December. I also hope you had a good time. I don't remember that show at all because I forget what we do out there pretty much as soon as we go off the stage. But I'm sure we deliver the necessary product. The minimum viable product. Yeah. Did you see that macro show? Yeah. I loved it. They deliver the necessary product and I enjoyed it. I consumed it. I consumed it and I didn't get my money back. So I'm assuming the transaction was satisfactory to all parties involved. The Dead Pilots Society podcast brings you hilarious comedy pilots that were never made featuring actors like Aubrey Plaza, Andy Richter, Paul F. Tompkins, John Hodgman, Adam Scott, Molly Shannon, Busy Phillips, Tom Lennon, Anna Kamp, Laurie Metcalf, Alicia Day, Michael Ian Black,

Adam Savage, Paul Scheer, Ben Schwartz, Skyler Aston, Mae Whitman, Josh Malina, Ben Feldman, Nicole Byer, Jason Ritter, Sarah Chalk, Steve Agee, Jane Levy, Allison Tollman, Danielle Nicolette, Casey Wilson, Ann Ortiz, Lorraine Newman, June Diane Raphael, Kiernan Chipka, Ed Week, Zach Knighton, Kerry Kennedy, Silver, John Ross Bowie, Jamie Denbow, Jennifer Jannifarney, Alessandro Sander, and many more. Listen at MaximumFun.org, iTunes, or wherever you download podcasts. How about a Yahoo? Yes, I would love it, Griffin. I would love it. Take me away. This Yahoo is sent in by Kayla Blair. Thank you, Kayla. Let's see how who answers users. Sorry, something's gone wrong. I had to call them. Poril asks, why you don't hear teens singing the

sitting in the tree song? You noticed back in high school, no one bothered saying the singing, you noticed, fuck me, gosh, you noticed back in high school, no one bothered saying the singing in the tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G motto. When I was around a girl, it's like dead in high school and still after, especially for a 20 year old or persuade you, kiss a girl and make ooh, or kissy sounds when taunting you over a crush. I cannot connect these words into thought. I was trying to let the syllables that you were saying turn into visual input through my various courtesies in my brain and it wouldn't actually happen, none of it would congeal. The only thing I could take away from this question, and maybe this is not what they were asking, but it seems like they're

asking, why don't people taunt adults sitting together with the K-I-S-S-I-N-G song? No, I think they're talking about teens today. Don't do sitting in the tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G. I heard the number 20 in there. Yeah, now I'm 20 and I imagine they're a fresh 20 year old and during their high school experience, nobody was doing it, but they know back in the day it was hot as hell. And there's a lot of reasons I feel like teens don't do it today. It's a little normative for one thing. The other thing is teens today talk about like, tell me, go for it. They'll say like, they'll say like the suck. You know what I mean? Yeah, they're worried about other Jarens aside from kissing. Yeah, R-U-B-B-I-N-G. Yeah, or like H-A-N-D-I-N-G. Handing, yeah.

Innocence is gone at internet age. We gave it up in exchange for memes, and if you ask me, not worth it. But I just don't think this is a P-O-R-K-I-N-G. I don't think the teens are saying pork in, Trav. You know what I mean? P-O-R-K-I-N-S. We're talking about porkins. From Star Wars. As a problem, kids these days aren't kissing because they're so worried about tertiary Star Wars characters. Trav, what you just said I think might not be entirely inaccurate. I think what you just said is not entirely wrong. The teens don't sing to sit in a tree song. They don't taunt each other for kissing anymore. I just think it's just the vibes different. It's more mature. Can I pitch a new version of the song? Is it going to be about porking or

boning or anything gross? No, no, no. Much more mature. I'm just going to pick. I'm going to say Tom and Tim just to keep it. I don't know what you're about to say, but if you could not use the name of our twin cousins, Tim and Tom, that would just be so grand. How about John and John? Okay, good. That's good. John and John sitting in a tree, S-I-T-T-I-N-G. Yeah, that's great. And then they're just bragging about the spelling they can do. Look at how good I am at spelling and how good they are at sitting. John and John sitting in a tree, S-P-E-L-L-I-N-G. That's right. Oh, crushing it. Sitting in a tree, T-R-E-E-E-E-E. John and John sitting in a tree, J-O-H-N-A-N-D-J-O-H-N-S-I-T-T-I-N-G-T-R-E-E.

Fuck, I missed N-A. Fuck. I'm out. John and John sitting in a tree. John and John are kissing in the old sitting tree. Hey, that's for sitting. Get out of there. John and John giving tree. And they're just reading the giving tree. Yeah. So if it's a teen today, and let me, I'm about to fucking go, so here I go. Get out of his way, folks. Yeah, get out of my way. They'd be like, John and John sitting in a tree. And then they're back to playing Fortnite on their phones. Put it down. Pay attention in class. There's history out there. You don't want to learn about the big bores that we had that your daddy thought in? Come on. For your freedoms? Put the phones down just a second. F-O-R-T. Oh, fuck. Is there an E in it?

Um, how about one more yahoo? Quick one. No. Okay, so a bunch of people sent this one in. It's from anonymous yahoo answers user. And I'm going to respect that. They asked, if I injected Einstein DNA, will I become a genius? Depends where you inject it. Where'd you put it, Trav? To become smarter? Yeah, become genius like the, like your heart. Ah, because he thought it was heart. Yeah, just like in, um, Pulp Fiction. You don't have to have someone jam that in your right in there. Give me 50 C's C's on Einstein Dust. And did they say where they got the, where they got the Einstein DNA from? Was it from his brain? Because if you gave me some like, Toad DNA, that's not gonna make any sense. Oh, I don't want Einstein's

stinky Toad in my heart. That's what I'm saying. You gotta give me some of that brain DNA. Maybe that's us inside the glowing briefcase, is Einstein's bones. Does it just say like DNA? Yeah, so DNA is fun. It's like these letters that are in everything, I guess. Like I got DNA, that's like, you know, I have tall DNA, handsome DNA, love spaghetti DNA, basketball DNA, basketball DNA. And so like all the letters come together to make my DNA, but it's in everything. So there's like, you know, I'm looking at a can of San Pellegrino, a can has metal DNA, the San Pellegrino has bubbly, delicious DNA. Let me look at other things, phone DNA, wallet DNA, everything's got DNA, and it makes you what you are. So if I can hack it, if I can give myself phone DNA,

then I can play Fortnite in my dreams. I would rather put Einstein DNA into my phone. Yes. Thank you. Yes. Because I don't want to be burdened with brilliance. I want someone else to be burdened with it for me. I want brilliance that I can lose in the pool. That's what I like. Now that's why I call a smartphone. And if it doesn't work tomorrow, I'll take it to the genius bar. Oh my God. Steve says you should always try to do two jokes in one. And that's what you've done here. Two jokes with one joke. Thank you, Griffin. Can I try mine? I was sitting on it till the end of the bit. Oh, okay. Okay. DNA and everything. It's all relative. Yeah, yeah. Now I don't know that the setup has much to do with the punchline, but because Einstein worked on the theory of

relativity. But it also is DNA and relatives. Travis, that was a triple joke. Now, Justin, you do incredible. Hold on. Be quiet. I'm calling Steve. Hey, Justin, before you connect with him, ask him about, it's hip to be EMC square. Ask him about it's hip to be equals EMC square. Ask him about that. Call Steve. Call Steve. Call Steve. It doesn't have Steve Martin. I don't think it's Siri Saber's name. Maybe you do a make pretend bit. We do those sometimes where we make pretend. All right. Yeah, he's here. You're talking to Steve right now? Yeah. Hold on. I'm on the horn with Steve. Face timing. Let me run the line in. Hold on. Tell him about some of the best bits from this episode, too. Thanks. All right. I looped him into our Skype. Hi, Steve. Hi, Steve.

Hi, you're on with Steve, a wild and crazy guy. I love that bit. Early I said Steve Martin. How do you feel about that? I used it. I wasn't going to write the jerk, too, but now I am. Because I am a wild and crazy guy. Can I also offer you, just because it's right there, I want to grab it to Dolly Farton. Steve, are you still there? Okay. I want to stop here. We had some fun, but you paid me to be your comedy teacher and help your miss to point out that that's very similar to Steve Farton. So you're going to lose the audience at that point. Okay, okay, okay. How about Sharton Short? No, Martin Shart. Martin, sorry, Steve. We're nervous.

Martin Shart. You like it? Hold on. I'm pressing my fingers together. And then it looks like I'm smelling them, but I'm just thinking. Listen to this. Sharton A. And that's kind of a wine thing. Oh, yeah. If Johnny Knoxville got into celebrity wine, I feel like he would make Sharton A. Oh, that's good, Steve. Hey, Steve, like I always say, it's hip to be equals MC Square. Do you like it? Do you like that, Steve? Do you like that? I actually used that in a movie I saw called Young Einstein. Ah, shoot. Fuck. Okay, Steve, earlier we were talking about Einstein. There's a bit of a setup, but and then I said DNA and everything. It's all relative.

Did you like that, Steve? Was that? Exactly, Steve. I was so distracted by the plosives there. I feel that you have to have your equipment in place before. Okay, let me try to say it without any plosives. Okay. So earlier we were talking about Einstein's DNA. He's laughing. He's laughing. This is good. That was Justin, actually. Oh, okay. Hey, Steve. Yes. Yes, I saw. This is the jerk. Hey, I watched Sheeper and it doesn't, too. Once I was babysitting, it fucking sucked, dude. I'm just saying you need to watch it. You're on thin ice in my book. You and I was money back.

You would think at some point I would have learned to stop doing movies with two at the end. But I didn't and I'm sorry for that. How about you wrap up? Yeah. Steve, one last thing. Go on. I love you. Oh, thanks so much. I mean, I don't have to say it back if you don't want to, but. And I really hope, one thing I want to say is Steve Martin is I really hope that my Bambam listeners don't decide to tweet at me repeatedly about this episode because I think there's a lot of context that I would lack and I would kind of think I don't know what I would think, but I really hope people, I really hope people don't tweet at me

about this episode because there's a lot of context that I would probably need to enjoy the fun spirit. People are going to think, for example, that this great comedy guy, Justin, maybe didn't take my class. It was just goofing about it when the literal inverse is true. So I hope people don't tweet at me, Steve Martin, about this episode of Bambam. Yeah, I don't want you to hear about the thing I said about cheaper by a dozen too, but I stand by saying it makes nuts eat a dog's whole asshole because holy shit. It makes nuts has its moments. Yeah, yeah, the end. Okay, folks, that's going to do it for us here. My brother, my brother, me thank you so much for

listening. We hope you've enjoyed yourself. Let's see. Oh, well, that's part of the adventure zone thing, but I'll mention anyway, two quick adventures and things. We're doing this experience for the mysterious package company called Taco's Correspondent School of Wizardry. Cantrips and other magics. And other magics, thank you. And if you go to bit.ly forward slash taco school, T-A-A-K-O school, but if you don't know that spelling, you're probably not going to enjoy this experience very much. Who knows, you might. It could be fun. But it's going to be kind of a story told through two mailings. We've been working on the story this week, and I think it's going to be really fun.

There's going to be like puzzles and activities and a special gift at the end once you complete it, and it's going to be neat. So go pre-order that. We also just announced on our merchandise store, which you can find at merchsquad.com. We've got a new Bureau of Balance Bracer that we're doing pre-orders on. That's obviously the adventure zone, but, oh, macaroymerch.com, not merchsquad.com, macaroymerch.com. I'm so sorry. merchsquad.com is another thing. But those Bureau of Balance Bracers, that's a pre-order that's only going to go on until June 7th, I think. So if you want one of those, go get it. A couple more quick plugs. We are going to be on tour again because it's who we are now. We're tour boys. We're going to be on tour again. We're going to be in

San Francisco in the middle of June, but that's already sold out. But we're also going to be in Phoenix, Arizona, June 16th, Saturday, June 16th, doing my brother, my brother, and me. You can get tickets for that. We're also going to be in Orlando, Florida, August 31st, doing my brother, my brother, and me. And we're going to be in Atlanta, Georgia on September 1st, doing my brother, my brother, and me. You can get tickets for that at macaroyshows.com slash tours. While you're there, you can also grab tickets for the adventure zone graphic novel tour since Mandi in July 18th and San Diego, July 20th. And by going to that, you'll get a copy of the book. Or if you want to pre-order it, you can do it at theadventuresowncomic.com.

My brother, my brother, and me. Kiss your dad. Square on the lips. They're audio programs that tell smart stories in innovative ways using editing techniques like this, like this, like this, like this. But let's face it, all that smart stuff can be exhausting. That's where stop podcasting yourself comes in. It's so stupid. It's just two stupid dinguses being dumb idiot jerks for 90 minutes. Stop podcasting yourself. The stupid show that smart people love. Find it on iTunes or MaximumFun.org.