My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 408: Come and Get It!

Episode Date: May 29, 2018

If you cannot stand the heat of this episode of our podcast, and you find yourself unwilling to stay for the action, it's totally fine to walk away for a bit before dipping back in for a second helping. This is a judgment-free zone. You GOTTA take care of those toesies. Suggested talking points: The Next Level, My Art, Farmer Problems, Lobster Matchmaker, Stay for the Action, Soda Jacket, Kid Cussin'

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother mean advisor for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I am your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother and 30 under 30 media luminary Griffin McElroy. Well, it's time to take my brother, my brother mean to the next level.

Are we getting married to like cereal or something? Are we getting a fourth brother finally? No, no fourth brother. Travis, I've told you the budget just isn't there. We can CGI the fourth brother. It would be like Travis, but I don't know, red hair? No, I have red hair now. Travis, but made of gold. I have finished the Steve Martin masterclass. I can't believe we're talking about this again. And I am ready to, here is my kind of thing. I have absorbed the entirety of the masterclass. It comes at a retail value of $90. I will impose my knowledge to you for half that amount.

Yes. Well, we could start with you guys and then we could just take your show on the road. Now you all should probably charge one fourth as much as the math isn't clean. Wait, hold on. $22.50, I think. And you charge half as much as you paid me because you are giving this information away third hand at this point. And charge other people. And then how much of that money do you have to kick back up to Steve? It's not a big deal. It's just like 10% of everything I earn goes back to, I see what he wrote me into. Let's just get a dry run at it though. I'm here, I'm ready to answer your comedy questions from you too. Whatever, I don't want to hear your

like sincere queries about comedy. I got a great one. I'm ready to help. Let's say you're part of us. Hold on, can you raise your hand for me? Yeah, I'm doing it. Griffin? Yeah, I wasn't doing to eat my nards. Got him. So Steve Jr., Steve TA, say I was part of a comedy outfit, a long term project, say it's been running for eight years or so. And then there was like this recurring bit that the other people in the outfit were like really enthusiastic about, but I wasn't. Like one, what is the right way to tell them we really shouldn't do that bit again? And number two, if they still want to just sort

of break on through to the other side of comedy, which is tragedy or at the very least boredom, is it okay to walk away and find new outfit? What do you think about that, Mr. Steve Jr.? Interesting. Gosh, it really stopped me midway through eating my banana. Here's what I want. That's a funny as fruit. So I'll give you that one, Steve Jr., you got it good. Here's what I do in your scenario. What I do is I call Marty Short and I say, is this funny? Hold on, that's what Steve would do or that's what Steve Jr. would do? This is what Steve told me to do, guys. I don't actually know. I don't actually know. I don't even know Martin Short's phone number, but he just says call Marty

Short and ask him if it's funny. Yeah. And he would say if it was like this, for instance, this bit, this intro, he would say, and that patented Marty Short voice, he'd be like, no. Do we have any other questions? What about you bearded fellow? Yeah, it's Travis. Oh, great, Travis. I mean, I paid for the course. You could learn my name. Sure. Can you raise your hand? It is raised. I'll be your butt. Okay. This is good too. You guys are already, I should, you should be the teachers. I guess my question is when it comes to like working blue, how blue is too blue? You know, PC culture is so different than it was when I was starting in the 70s doing my thing.

And some people are into the PC thing and some people aren't. One thing that everybody can agree on though is banjo music. Oh, so you should do more of that. That can't possibly have been in the lessons, Justin. Just more banjo music. And if you're stuck, call Marty Short. It was about a three minute long video. So the whole class, the whole class is just a three minute long video of him playing banjo and trying to convince you to call Marty Short and ask him if it's funny. Is it funny to pay $90 for a course and then give them two weeks worth of free advertising on your show? It's un-fucking-believe. It is, I am beyond belief. Okay. Well, I mean, I was just trying to, here's what, the way I kind of figured it is like,

if I managed to turn it into something funny, then one, I feel like it's a business expense at that point that I have recouped. Yeah. And two, then Steve knows that his time was well spent because something really funny came out of it from me, his bright people, Justin, wild and crazy guy, McRoy. Right. But neither of those things happened is the only problem. Okay. Negative feedback is something that's going to come to everybody in their career. But one thing that everybody loves is this fucking banjo and calling Marty Short. I'm like, we get it. I get it. I got it. I got it. I do have it. You gave it to me and I have it now. Let's say that you have to do a speech at the MoMA for a Tom Hanks ceremony honoring him. Oh, I love this because I actually

do have to do that. Good. So what you're going to want to start with is like, what things do you know about Tom personally? They're not the stuff that people read in the papers, but like your own interactions with soft hands, soft hands. That's good. You're softer than you think, but not as soft as you'd hope. Okay. Good. See, that's funny already. Soft hands, hard dick. Yep. If there's one thing I know it's soft hands, but if there's two things I know, it's hard dick. Little fella back there, you didn't raise your hand. I love that you want to contribute and you're excited about being part of the class. I do need to see that hand. Yeah, no, come on. Here's my hand, Steven. You talked about getting nasty. Let's get nasty.

I want you to talk about fucking Tom Hanks drop dong. I want to hear you talk about that right now in your own voice. Talk about his dropping thong. Well, PC culture has come a long way since the 60s when I was a writer on the Smothers Brothers and we used to just take that envelope and push it right out of the window. Sure. And the banjo too would come in there somewhere. So this is my brother by brother video. It's an advice show for the modern era. We take your questions and turn them out with me like into wisdom. And now for the first time in 408 episodes, this one's going to be funny because I know what I'm doing. Yeah, good, good, good. I work in an art museum and people are always asking me about my art. The problem is I'm not an art student. I

just work there. I have blue hair and I'm standing there looking at art. So I get it. But it's always awkward when they find out I'm actually a law student and often they don't believe me. They usually make an awkward comment about the way I look to justify the assumption. What can I say to make the whole thing less weird? That's from Deceptive in DC. Law is to kind of art the art of this, the art of the deal. Yeah, it says objective. Thank you. Yeah, the art. Prior art, that's a law thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would give any amount of money to routinely be set up with the line. Tell me about your art. So I could say, oh, my art and then I don't know, maybe play the spoons or like lift up my shirt and I've painted a painting on my belly or,

you know, just various things. I feel like there's so many good designs you could deliver. That's good. Art doesn't just have to be paint on paper or anything. So they say, tell me about your art and you pull out a little, you know, a foosball. You're like, I'm a master on that table. Let me show you. And you throw it as hard as you can across the room because you don't have a table. But I think it'll still get the point across. Yeah. And you do it, you kind of flick it across the room. And what's that? Oh, it pops right into the mouth of that guy that's screaming in that one painting and you're like, go. Yeah, go. You punch a big hole in the screaming painting. And they're like,

oh my God, the alarms are going off now. And you say, I know, but this is a pretty good shot right into the scream mouth, huh? Go. Or you say like my art and then you heist the painting. And you're like, I'm, I'm a master thief. That's my art is the art of stealing shit. And then you pin it on them. But then you get them out of prison because that's your real art, your lawyer. There's a guy I like, I follow on YouTube that my daughter loves his work. And I'm a fan too, named Joseph. And he does like Rube Goldberg machines. And he calls himself a kinetic artist. And that seems like a pretty easy one to lie about. Because if you say you're a kinetic artist, no one's really going to push you on it. And if they do, you just knock a can of

pens over and be like, well, this one is still in the form of a status. How they scattered. Isn't that interesting? It's so interesting. I knew they would all kind of do that. Just like that is how I meant for it to happen. Oh, wait, I've got it. I've got it. How many times have you been in a museum, right? And you come across something, you're like, is that a light switch or is that a piece of art? What you do, you claim that light switch as your art? Yeah, put a sticker on it, right? And like you walk over to a trash can, you're like, this is my art, this bench, I made this bench. I love that. And then they're like, oh, shit, I sat on that bench and you say what? And you get really mad about it. Who put this

hippopotamus sticker on my light switch for the museum? You don't understand. The hippopotamus is my childhood. The light switch represents an old light switch I had in my house. And if you don't understand, that's on you because it's my art and it's objective. Look at my hair, you know it's true. What if you're at the museum and when someone's like looking at a painting, you come up behind them and say, it belongs in museum. And they would say, yeah, it is, it's in one. And you say, hello, impression is my heart. I am not Harrison Ford. I'm in fact this question. Or you walk up behind them and what's that? You're dressed like Caesar. And you say, I was the statue of Caesar, but I came to life and you have to help me recover a tablet.

I am art. I am art. I've been art the whole time. I'm living art for thousands of years. Help me, Ben Stiller. Help me, help me sneak some pants on to David because come on, man. Every time he wakes up at night, it's a whole thing. It's a whole thing. Where's that, you know, night at the museum where Ben Stiller turns around, there's a big flesh dick in his face. What? That's the most unrealistic thing about night at the museum because, you know, the first thing he would say is, I'm stealing all of you. Everybody get in my van. I'm going to steal you all. And you get too far from the museum and like, I don't feel so pop on Mona Lisa now again. You're like, haha. Yeah, you are. Actually, you're confused. You are a beach house in Maui

because I sold you already in my mind. How about a Yahoo? Yeah. Here's one from Merritt Palmer. Thanks, Merritt. It's Yahoo Answers user. Question mark, who asks, what problems do us farmers have? Oh, right. It's, it's confusing a bit because you would think if it's us farmers, you would be familiar with the problems that you face in your chosen vocation. But you maybe you live a sort of, you know, a semi-charm farm life, a semi-farm kind of life. And it's going all good. And so, but you want to be able to relate to the other farmers. You go to the farm bar and you say like, oh, how's it going? And everyone's like, oh, not good. Why, you know, bean bugs. Oh, no, you got the bean bugs again. Yeah, these little

guys climb up all my stalks and they take the beans back to their village to, you know, worship it or whatever. And then I don't have that to sell. Griffin, can I ask you a question? And I just want to clarify here because I have heard you on other podcasts talk about the magazine US Weekly. Is it possibly the question here is what issues do us farmers have? It's lowercase. Okay, we're probably good. Yeah. What problems do us farmers have? I mean, the usual. That kind of sounds like a question someone trying to pretend to be a farmer in a bar. Yeah, you guys know about the problems us farmers have, right? Yeah, they went to the grocery store and they bought a ear of corn and then they, you know, dug a little hole in their front yard and

just laid the ear of corn gently down into it. And they're like, well, I'm now in the farm life. Now I need more things to complain about. What's that, bean bugs? Yeah, I hate those fucking things. I bet I've got them. I bet I probably have worse bean bugs than you, bean farmer. I mean, usual stuff too, like economy is probably not, you know, great for them or maybe it's very good. Can't decide what to wear. Yeah, you know, some days you just go and stand in front of the mirror for 30 minutes and it's like shorts look like shit and I have stains on everything because of my rough farm life. What am I going to wear today? You know, and then you say like, you know, I think I'm going to go with this black tea, but then you're out in the sun. Oh, gosh. And the black

tea gets so hot. So you go back and you change into like a crisp white tea and that's pretty good. Don't get me wrong, it's great and it really shows off, I don't know, your muscles probably. You know, the cartoon farmer aesthetic is overalls no shirt and that's maybe the worst imaginable scenario because then you get the hot downtown and the burnt burnt topside. Is there anything worse than that? I don't believe there is. You could complain with them about the absolutely miserable web interface of farmersonly.com. Yeah, it is just unthinkable in 2018 that this would be how you interact with this website and that could be one of the things you bring up is like the images never load. Yeah, you could also like join them in a good round of complaining about

how Farmville isn't really representative of the kind of work you actually do. So frustrating. That's not how it works. I don't just like click it till it grows. You know what? I'm out there with my machines. You do kind of click it till it grows though, right? Yeah, it's kind of like that. What could you grow? It's on farmers only. I've never been on the website. Yeah. Well, there's a good reason. Well, yeah, I'm married, but I don't hate farmers. I don't want people to think that way. I said I wasn't going to say because you're married, though that is a very good reason. I mean, because you- Oh, yeah, I'm not a farmer.

I'm not a farmer. But the name's right there. Is there a heuristic, some sort of search filter you can apply to look at potential partners by their yield? Because that seems like the one I want to go with. I'm not as interested in interests or personality or looks or anything like that. I just want to know what the raw tonnage of carrots was for your institution last year because I can't- I'm here bringing in the payloads of this soybean and I'm killing- Squash and bean bugs left and right. I got my son walking around. He's got his stomping boots on killing these nasty guys and all my soybeans are coming in and I'm a top earner. I mean, my DPS rankings are off the fucking charts.

I can't be messing around with somebody who's like, yeah, I brought in four buckets of carrots left. Four buckets. I can't love you. I do want to- I did sign up for Farmers Only because I thought I would have some good stuff to kind of share with the show. I will say this is an irritating thing about FarmersOnly.com is that there is no field for yield. There's no yield field, sadly. How could you get on there, Justin? What kind of lies did you have to perpetrate to get on Farmers Only? I got it in deep, but here's the thing I want to share with you. There is no yield field. There is a field for profession, which like, I should hope I know the answer to that fucking question. I should hope that it's farmer. I hope that it's just a type of farmer.

You better not be anything- Farmer specialization? Yeah, what's your- what do you expect in? Are you dual wielding your field? Dual fielding, if you will? It also does have a place for your sign, which is not your- I don't know why. I just did not expect that on FarmersOnly.com. He's a Virgo. Don't touch his tomatoes. You know why. They're nasty. I think you should have to print your FarmersOnly.com profile on all goods that you sell. I think that would be so great if I could buy a big vat of avocados and know sort of like what they're looking for. That's a Scorpios avocados right there. Scorpio avocados, delicious. And you think if they got their own Dayton website, I never thought

about this before, probably pretty tight-knit crew, right? Is there a secret Farmers Market after sex party? If there was that, they wouldn't need the website, is what I would suggest. Oh, they want to so bad. They want to so bad. They see my rutabaga. I see, you know, their onions and I'm like, oh my god, I'm feeling it so hard and they're craving my wave. Anytime that you leave a Farmers Market and there's nobody there, like when it's abandoned, and it's rare, so like you could never see it by definition. But anytime that there are no customers at a Farmers Market, every single stall is just shouting back and forth to each other like, are you all like crazy horny? And they will all say like, yes, we're all extremely horny.

If only. I wish we didn't have to sell this veg. Yeah, I'm very worried because Griffin, because as you pointed out, the Farmers are very tight-knit. And I'm worried that they will know that Justin is not a farmer, but he has signed on to their website and they're going to come for him. And I'm worried about my brother. Oh, he's going to get run over by a big tractor. Justin, I think you're going to need to start farming right now. Yeah, like right now, bud. I good luck. There's no, like unless they're like pinging my IP address, I don't think they're

going to track me. What if they're listening right now? You guys think there's a bumper sticker that says, Farmers don't make love, they plow? Oh, no. For sure there is. I'm going to, if not, macaroymerch.com. Just go get that. I want to ask you guys another question. For about a year now, I've been collecting screenshots of men on Tinder or, okay, Cupid holing up a fish, lobster and crab in their profile pictures. I have nearly 150 now. Oh my God.

What should I do with them? And why do men think this is attractive? That's from Hook, Line and Tinder in Nova Scotia. I mean, the obvious thing, and this is, I mean, there are some very old, I guess, preconceived notions that the man should be the provider, and maybe he is trying to display skills at providing sustenance. This is the protein I could provide for you. This is the protein that I'm bringing to the relationship. The question asker has provided a screenshot. I can't stop.

There's two curious things. One, all these boys are so proud of these things they killed in the water. And that's great to me. Good job, boys. You got really rowdy under the sea and you just really got those guys. Here's the other thing. And stop me if I'm way off base here, but I'm looking. There is a lot of lobsters. And a lot of these lobsters are really huge. I'm saying of this 20 image chunk they sent over, good 11 of them are lobsters and boys, I swear to God, the same lobster is in a lot of these pictures. I don't know what the answer is there. Maybe a few of these boys went on the same fishing trip, they caught a lobster, and they're like, all right, let's all take pictures of it and put it

up on our dating profile. And that would explain it. Maybe there's just one like weird sort of rent a lobster pickup service where you go and you get the big lobster and you take a picture with it. They make it look professional, make it look like you did just kill it in the ocean. And then you bring it right back and you give them their $40 or whatever. Is it the lobster maybe who's renting himself out like, yeah, I'll make you look real nice. Come on in. All right, boys, what are we doing? What do we got? We got profile pictures. Okay, good. Go ahead and put a strap on my claw. I let you pick the color. That's fine. Okay, that's good. Now just scoot me up and you get three shots. So make them, make them good. Okay.

You want to put on the overalls? Yeah, make sure you let me turn on. I got a green screen background of a rain to slick day in St. John's. Hold on. All right, good. Is that really the face you're going to fucking make pal? Because really, Val? Let me spritz the camera a little bit and make the lens look like it's raining on there. Listen, some fellas, some fellas find it helps if they imagine the process of obtaining me from the sea. So maybe you want to give that a whirl. I'll give you a second in private. I can't be in here. I'll fucking puke. But go ahead and just get yourself ready. And then we'll just do this thing. Okay. I also really like the dude in the top left who has the lobster like it's a parrot on his shoulder. Yeah, he's got a friend here.

It reminds me of Muvvis Treasure Island. All the other ones are like, I just caught this. That picture might be like this lobster. I've had this lobster since I was a baby. This is my cousin. I'm just now noticing that he's a lobster. Thank you for pouring me out actually. A bunch of the boys are making sort of a duck mouth face to sort of let you know that they're bad boys. Unless what they're actually doing is doing a pantomime kiss to let you know this is the kind of stuff I can haul out of the ocean. And this is what I'll look like when I'm kissing you because of it, which I think is like a really concise sales pitch to be contained inside of a single JPEG. What was the question though? What was the question? What am I going to do with

this piece? What should I do with them? You can't do anything with them. This is your secret collection. You can't make this a public thing. Because you know what? The thing about it is I'm not sure I would notice individually. It only becomes notable as a group, as a collective, right? You don't think about it until you see a lot of them back. You really need like a wall of pictures in front of you before you're like, wait a minute and then you can Kaiser Soze at all together. It's been the same lobster. Here's what I would do. If I were you, I would also start collecting photos of men on dating websites posing with dogs and then try to find men from lobster and dog photos who look similar

and try to construct a narrative where the person's dog was cursed and turned into a lobster. Yes, that's good. And you can like write a book about it. Well, lobster to dog, it's up to you, which direction you want to go. Just for the facial hair. You could elevate this. I think if you were one of these very proud boys and have one image of you with the big lobster that you definitely caught, then the second image is you with that. And this is what would entice me. You with that lobster cooked, butter poached, delicious looking. Also, they're holding up today's newspaper to let you know. Come and get it. Do they ever do this on the dating websites

where they're like, they show you a big crock pot full of stew, and then they're holding today's newspaper to let you know. Act fast, act fast, first comfort, first service. I think you should have, there should be a special indicator on every dating profile. And it's either, if it's red, that means nothing. If it means, if there's a green light, it means, hey, I'm going to stew on right now. Right this second. You can exclude it in the bio, but you're going to be doing a lot of updates just like one day later. Just like, sorry, ladies, no stew today. I got busy. I got busy. I had sex last night because of the stew. So I'm good for a little bit. So no stew.

You don't want me to rush it. Yeah. I'll put a gumbo on tomorrow, and we'll go ahead and just watch this space. Watch this little crock pot. That'll give me at least, if I started at noon on Tuesday, it'll give me a total, I don't know, probably eight PM Wednesday. So anywhere in there that you want to come over. If you agree to date me right now, I have three-fourths of a German chocolate cake that my mom made, and she left it here. You agree to be my girlfriend. Now, you could have some of this cake. Our first date will include some of this cake that my mom made me a left at my apartment. I will save some for you, but I get the last piece because my mom made it. Yep. See, if this were me, I would have four pictures as my dating profile. Picture one,

holding up the lobster. Got to, got to, got to. I just caught it. Picture two, me holding the lobster over a pot of boiling water. And making a face like, here comes the cook. Here it goes. But then, photo three, no, I'm hugging the lobster. And picture four, I'm watching with tears in my eyes as that lobster graduates from college with honors. And then he's holding a lobster. Yeah, there. That's your son. He's holding your son. Now, if your picture was a giant lobster holding a tiny man with his hands rubber banded together, that's a profile picture. I want to get to know that crustacean. Yeah. And the big lobster be holding today's newspaper, trying to attract the lady lobsters like, do they eat people? Oh, yeah. If they're big enough for sure for sure. Yeah,

they would, for sure. Asked an answer. Let's take a quick break, and we're going to head on over to the Money Zone. Can I tell you all about Stitch Fix? Hell yeah. Stitch Fix has helped me, and this is no joke, revolutionized my wardrobe. Here's the thing I've never had before that Stitch Fix has helped me with. I've got clothes that are like my winter clothes, and now like my spring and summer clothes. I would say that if you have ever seen a picture from, I would say, September 2017 on of like, I was performing a live show, and you've thought, oh, I really like Travis's shirt there. 90% chance that's from Stitch Fix. Yep. When we are on the road, we're always comparing like, hey,

where is that from? Oh, yeah, Stitch Fix. Yeah, me too. This is from Stitch Fix. And it's not just shirts. Like, I get pants, shirts, socks, shoes, jackets. Like, they'll put together whole outfits for you. And one of my favorite things that they do is they send you a card along with all the clothes that shows what would go with what, what you could add to stuff that's in the box to make an outfit. And like, they give you suggestions of like, it would, you could wear it for this, and like, it would work with this. And you have a stylus that you can talk to. And like, when you send stuff back, you say, like, I really love this. This was okay. I didn't like this. You return the stuff you don't want to wear. And that helps them update

their profile for you of your style. And like, every time it's a better and better fit for both like how it fits, but also like your style, it's great. And it's free to ship the stuff back and to get it. So go to stitchfix.com, slash my brother, get started now, keep all five items you receive and you'll get 25% off your first purchase, your entire purchase stitchfix.com slash my brother. I want to tell y'all about Wink. Do you like Wink? You like wine, but you go, I went to go buy wine for my Eurovision party. And I look at the wine and my mind just melts. I there I can't make any heads or tails of it. Some are red, some are white, some are pink, some are blue, don't get that one unless you should. And that's a very rare one. I don't actually have the answers. But you know

who does? It's Wink. Wink makes it easy to discover great wines personalized for you starting at just $13 a bottle. You fill out this quiz is fun. You tell what kind of foods you like, what kind of palette you have. And then it will suggest some wines for you. There's no membership fees. You can skip any month. You can cancel anytime they cover the shipping. And if you don't like a bottle, they'll replace it. No questions asked. So discover great wine today. Go to triwink.com slash my brother. You'll get $20 off your first shipment. Let's try Wink, T-R-Y-W-I-N-C.com slash my brother. You get $20 off. That's triwink.com slash my brother. I'm really glad. I'm really glad there's no questions asked. Because sometimes I have some really shady reasons that I don't like

a bottle of wine, you know? It's also worth noting that our exclusive URL, triwink.com, does work. If you don't want to use that URL, you can use the URL triwink.com with a K. When did we pick that one up, Juicer? I don't know when we got because it's an insult. It's a weird dig at the sponsor, so it's kind of a weird choice you made. It's not really. I don't know how we got that one. You would probably be better off using triwink.com slash my brother. If you find that hard to remember, I'm sure that Wink would prefer you just take advantage of their services no matter what fucking URL you have. I don't know. That's true, Juicer. I don't know. I'd be worried that they would know somehow and I would get my first

shipment of wine, but also note that like, did we do something to upset you? The emails that we get this week will tell the tale of how Wink feels about their URL being manhandled like this. I want to tell you all about Dungeons & Hangovers and Orcs Orcs Orcs. It's two things. Let me start doing it right now. Dungeons & Hangovers pervades fun, original D&D adventure modules to the discerning gamer. Our publications include The Unquiet, a cozy autumnal adventure inspired by Hannah Dollwatch, and Snow Day Eamon. A tale of Krampus set in a magical mountain village where it's always winter but never candle nights. This spring we're releasing our first Dungeons & Hangovers triple shot, a three-pack of short chuckle-fast adventures play-tested at Orcs Orcs

are tavern pop-up in Portland, Oregon. That all sounds extremely good. If I lived in Portland, you know I'd be hitting up Orcs Orcs Orcs. I don't still know what a pop-up is, although they say that word a lot on like Top Chef and I'm like, is it a restaurant that you pull both sides of and it inflates? And I think the answer is yeah, probably, but visit Dungeons & Hangovers.com slash where is Wizard Hut for an adventure pandering exclusively to Mbambambinos. Portland folks, come hang out at Orcs Orcs Orcs. I got a message. It's for Chloe, it's for Ian and Sarah, and it's for Joanna, and the super secret friend Zone, and it's from Sean. It says, I love you all. I cherish the time we spend playing games, talking about anime, or the latest Taz, or teasing Ian

with puns. After bone folder Chloe's rise to fame at Boston, Mbambambam, that's right Mbambambam show there, I decided to immortalize this all via Jtron, which is a fun slang. For Jon Tron, everyone's favorite. Congrats on upcoming weddings for Chloe and Ian and Derek and Anna. That's gonna be one hell of a wedding. Gotta get to that event. To my friends and the Macaroys all, thank you, keep on boning down hard. Okay, all right. All right. Not usually how this arrangement works, is I get sort of sexual encouragement from the listeners of this show. Usually it's we make a horse joke here, a ghost joke here, and you send an email in, it's like that's great. That's funny. I don't even know that I want more of that. It's weird. I don't even know that I enjoy the sensation of that.

Try if you want to read this last jump, Tron. Yeah, this is from Rocket Ship and from, no, for Smell it. All right. Happy birthday old Ramble Gamble. Now, why didn't we go with that nickname? Why did we start with Smell it and work our way to Ramble Gamble? Okay. Thanks for goofing and aloofing with me. You all. And here's to many years more. Thanks for being the best bestie, a strong independent woman who don't need no man could have. The best thing here is the preferred time frame. Yes, I see you've just gotten there. I just hit it. The preferred time frame is read this anytime. I don't actually know when his birthday is. That's somebody because the the Jumbotrons are in demand now. I think we had a lot of people that was just kind of like

blasting through. Hip firing. Sure. It's just like, it's hype anything. Hi, everybody. I'm Justin McElroy. And I'm Dr. Sydney McElroy. Every week, we release a medical history podcast called Saw Bones. We go over the history of the dumbest, grossest, weirdest stuff humans have been doing to each other since the dawn of mankind. But it's a funny show. But it's also so disgusting and stomach turning. You won't believe it. But it's also like funny. It's funny. It is the wildest, grossest, nastiest stuff you can imagine. It's a real hoot. It's called Saw Bones. And we release it every week on iTunes, wherever podcasts are sold. And right here on MaximumFun.org. How about our Yahoo? I'd love that, Groven. Thank you. You read my mind.

Yeah, sure. This one is sent by a couple folks. Thank you. It's Yahoo Answers user bad guy who asks. I'm going to stand. Oh, should I lift up my standing desk? Should I stand? I feel like I just wanted to stand. Okay, let's try it. I'm going to stand. I'm just going to stand. I will extend the arm of my phone stand. It's still going up. One of the things about stand up is you want to be standing up. No, that's not from Steve. That one's from me. But you could use it. I feel like I'm going to yell now. Get the energy flowing. All right, here we go. Yahoo. Yeah, bad guy asks. When feeling the heat, do you usually bail out or stay for the action? Oh, boy. So glad I stood for this. Yeah, regardless, it's worth the effort. I've been told before the kitchen

that the kitchen is hot. And if I don't like that, I should go to the living room. Yeah, that's what they say when they're trying to get you psyched up for fucking sports when it gets difficult for sure. And it's like, if you don't like the kitchen because of the temperature, feel free to sit in the living room, coward. Yeah, I would rather be doing that though. That's like where all my devices are. Yeah. Sometimes I'm at a party and I see two people starting to fight. And I think I better start it. But I learned something from my friend Charles Groden. He said, we can't possibly keep doing this, Steve Martin. We cannot possibly keep doing this, Steve Martin. He has been doing it for 40 years. And look where it's gotten him. I'm so psyched, boys,

because there's may surprise you to learn really, really good answers from Yahoo answers users on this one. It just surprised me. Best answer, little big man says, I stay for the action, my friend. Asker gave that one five stars, says that's the best answer all of them. I agree to disagree. How is it the best answer? They chose one of the two binary options. Well, they visited them. There's a wisdom being a part of it. They included the phrase, my friend, Justin, which is like, oh, we just made a connection, five stars. Like the most interesting man in the world, right? Well, how about this one from Rick29148 who says, not me, baby. I'm out of here. Not me, baby. I'm out of here. I stayed a year ago and burned my toes so badly they actually

brought in a surgeon to make sure they were worth saving. Took a year, but nine of them are okay. One of them still given me troubles. Wait, what? How did this become a real world scenario for Rick? Just had some fun. Rick just had some fun. Hey, Griffin, I've never looked at Yahoo. Does the original question and answer, ask or pick the best answer? Is that something? Okay. Why? Why? What makes the question asker qualified to decide who is most correct about their question? It seems like by definition, they know the least about it, right? So like, how do they have any insight into whether or not you should leave your... Sounds like it's getting pretty hot in here, Justin, with all your questions. Travis, where are

you going? Come back. No, I don't want to do the show anymore. It's too hot. Yeah, it's pretty hot. I'm staying even though these piggies are sizzling, but I'm gonna stay and keep reading bad things people said online, like Cab, who says, I'm bringing the gasoline. Fuck yeah, dude. Yeah, Cab. Yeah, Cab. This is a dookie website with a bullshit question with a question that didn't mean anything and an answer that was garbage. Fuck yeah, dude. Get it. Me? Me, motherfucker? I'm gonna spice it up. I'm gonna spice it up. Cab style, baby. Oh god, it's... No, it's too hot again. Travis is out. Got too hot. I told him it was cool. Pour a little Cabernet Savignon on this, which is my way of saying I'm gonna heat it up. Hey, let's hit you with this one. Question mark

says, turn on the AC. Anonymous says, turn on the AC. So we've got a couple little double down on that one. I wish the other one would be turn on the AC DC and kind of just crank it up. Yeah, dude. Thunderstruck, get in there. Jump in the fire. Oh god, I just got back here. Can we, please? Yeah, Travis, let me calm it down. I'll call it down. I'll calm it down. I'm gonna bring it down with this one. Blue Sky says, I jump into the frying pan. Fuck yes. Are you kidding me? That's not one of the... Wait, hold on. That's not one of the options in the saying. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It's not like if you can't stay in the kitchen, get into the frying pan. That's not the fucking... Just so many fucking righteous guys on here. Just so many fucking cool bros.

Just fucking let me know how sick they are. Just holding up their giant fish and lobster in their profile pictures. Let me ask you guys a question. When it starts cooling down, and I mean getting really cool, do you stay or do you go? I mean, like, it's way too chill. You know what I mean? Like, everybody's too chill to remember to like, eat. Yeah, yeah, Travis. You know, if given those two options, you know what I do? Stick my balls in the icebox, baby. Chill them out. No, I'm saying like it's chill. Everybody's relaxed. Stay for the action. Here's the best answer because it's the only realistic one. The only one that sort of actually mirrors my beliefs. Dark places says, want to stay but bail.

Yeah, there is a fucking very quick sort of turnaround on, God, this party's amazing too. I have to go. Be here. There's like, there's three human bodies difference between those two things. And also, I'm building this question on fucking theory and hyperbole. I'm 37 years old. Sure. I have no idea. Justin watches the mask and the bit where he says P-A-R-T-Y just has to sit there for a few minutes to actually sort of think of what the answer would be. Great question, James. Why are we partying? Our time is so limited. So fleeting. Thank you, James. And thank you to LMFAO for apologizing. It was a bit transgressive. I was having a good time and you rolled up. You had, you know, 48 nady lights and you're like, let's get fucking twisted. And I was like,

ah, I was having a good time catching up with my friends, but I'll see you guys later. Jesus Christ. Can we sit back down? No, no, this is, you gotta get up for this. I have a creaky floorboard right under me and I just found it. I want a munch. Squared. I want to munch. Squared. Welcome, munch squad. It's a podcast within a podcast celebrating the latest and greatest in quick serve restaurants. McDonald's and Sprite announced the debut of, oh god, a new, multifaceted marketing campaign created in celebration of mix, all caps. So when I say the word mix a few times in the next few moments, you'll know why I'm saying it like that because it's in all caps. It's a celebration of mix by Sprite Tropic Berry, a sparkling soft drink made with

natural flavors. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Each one's got four crushed up berries in it. Yeah. Sure. Sprite. Sure. Sprite. Okay. It's 2018. We're all just lying. Okay. Including pineapple, orange and strawberry blended with the classic crisp lemon lime taste of Sprite available just from McDonald's customers. Don't go into Aldi thinking you're going to get the mix because you're not. You're only going to get into McDonald's and that's why the marketing campaign is called That's the mix. You should only do that if you dress up like a time traveler from the future and you roll up to Aldi like, I'll have the pineapple Sprite. I don't know what beautiful world you come from, but here we just got the plain one. Damn it. Do you think that they mean

natural flavors in the sense that like they are present in this dimension? Yes, you taste them. Like these are natural, this dimension flavors. A warlock didn't conjure up. Exactly. I'm loving all this, but I'm never going to get to the fashion line if you don't. That's the mix is going to launch this Friday when we're recording this on Wednesday. I'm sorry. It was last Friday, May 25th. It's probably already sold out. A dedicated Spotify takeover featuring the premiere of an exclusive new track and music video about this soda from multi platinum rapper Kyle. All caps just like mix and an original custom capsule collection by leading streetwear designer Joe Fresh Goods. And I'm sure he'll continue to be a leading streetwear designer with McDonald's

and their special pineapple drink on his resume. If you're in Atlanta, Chicago and Los Angeles, New York, you can go to select McDonald's there and you're going to have the rare opportunity to take home items from the that's the mix capsule collection, including a, which I guess a capsule collection must mean something else because I'm thinking dachapon, but I guess it's just a small collection of clothes. Maybe I don't understand exactly, but there's a, they're clothes that don't have seasonal application. Okay. Thank you. They're including a wool and leather varsity jacket, a long sleeve t-shirt about a soda, short sleeve t-shirt about a great new sprite with pineapple and socks with McDonald's on them, beginning at 2 p.m. local time. Fans who visit one of the

participating locations and say out loud, I'd like the clothes about the juice, please. They are going to get pieces from the collection, which will be available exclusively at McDonald's while supplies last, which should be for quite some time, I would imagine. And now Linda van Gosen decides to get fucking hysterical. Linda opens with we're mixing things up, so to speak. That's the mix right there. That's the mix. That's the mix, Linda. We're mixing it up in McDonald's with a new exclusive drink. I don't know why McDonald's gets its rocks off keeping soda from people, but that is McDonald's whole fucking thing. They love it. The flavor, she says, this vice president of menu innovation, the flavor is craveable and delicious. That would be so weird

if it was craveable and disgusting. Why do I like this so much? I can't stop. I hate it. Please free me from this. I hate it. And we know our customers will come back for more of this unique beverage, which I think is called that's the mix. I'm trying to. It just says it's in celebration of mix by Sprite Tropic Berry. I guess that's the actual name of the soda. Yes, it is mix by Sprite Tropic Berry. The program launched McDonald's All American Games Fan Fest on March 25th in Atlanta, where Kyle premiered. That's the mix. A song about a soda with a live performance and fans had the chance to visit the mix by Sprite Tropic Berry, Doug Zone, where they were instantly dissolved. Hi, I'm I'm multi platinum rapper Kyle. Welcome to the mix by Sprite Tropic Berry, Doug Zone.

Would you like to hear my new song? It's about a clear beverage. Does that make it? Now you're into it. They're not wrong. I would not kick this jacket out of my closet for eating crackers, boys. Is it is it good? I'll say this Joe Fresh Goods lives up to that advertising. I also want to say I just shared in Skype with you a link to Joe Fresh Goods website. It's the best website I've ever seen. Yeah, specifically his collabs page. I'm actually not seeing any of the images. I'm just seeing the message that says I've been killing shit lately page under construction until further notice. I don't see that is correct. That's all that's on there. Fuck yeah, Joe Fresh Goods. I don't need anything else. I believe you. That's a great message from Joe. Things are going very

well. I apparently don't need a website. I'm not going to make one right now. And then when I need one later, I will make a website. So to get this stuff to participate, you purchase a mixed by Sprite Tropic Berry or any soft drink. Okay. On May 25th, and you take your receipt to the organized line and wait in line to see the prize you won. While supplies last to participate without making a purchase, you must obtain a free method entry form at the participating restaurant and complete it with your first and last name, your date of birth email address, and then take your completed entry form to the organized line and wait in line to see the prize you won while supplies last. Can you imagine in exchange more buck wild than hi? I'm here to win the soda jacket. I won't

be purchasing any beverages because I hate it. I'm a big fan of the idea of soda. I love the concept of this new exclusive drink that you're keeping from the plebs that can't get into McDonald's. And I love this drink and I just want the jacket, but I'm not buying one today. So I would like to sit here in the McDonald's and fill out an order form, a entry to perhaps win the great jacket about the soda. And at this point in our episode, I would like to fast forward like, I don't know, a year when McDonald's has gone out of business and Ronald is sitting in an empty McDonald's with Kyle and Joe Freshkid's and they're just like sitting on folding chairs and like Ronald raises his drink and they cheers him and he goes, I think we can all agree that was the mix and then like

fade to credits. And then the boat sinks. Every week, my friend brings his Wii U over to my house to play Smash Brothers while playing. We typically trash talk and poke fun at each other. My four year old daughter loves to watch us and comments on how we're doing. One day, I was pretty handily beat to stock in about a minute. What's that mean? Yeah, you had two lives and you got knocked off the map by, you know, Ness's big baseball bat, swimming probably. My friend excited in his win called me a fucking scrub. Excited by my devastation. My daughter turned to me and shouted quite loudly, you fucking scrub. How do I get my daughter to love me again and respect my premium game skills? And should I worry about her swearing? Probably not, right? That's from sulking in

Smashville slash Denver. I think you need to worry about you being a fucking scrub. Yeah, that's a problem. You're so quick to assign blame to everybody else in this situation, except for yourself, if you're getting fucking completely dunked on in final destination, like LTP maybe a little bit. Like maybe before you start throwing stones, look at your own glass house and how quickly it shatters under the salvo Falcos punches. Especially when you talk about your daughter respecting your quote unquote premium game skills. Yeah, kind of sounds like you got put in the toilet. Yeah. And like maybe your daughter is now the daughter of your friend. Yeah, sounds like yeah. If my daughter started calling me a fucking scrub, I tell her to pick up

a controller and back up those words. If you're going to talk shit, you better 1v1 me. And we'll kind of see who is the best at Smash Brothers. I don't understand what button punches in that game. It's always been a mystery to me. My daughter could probably beat me through randomness. So this may not be a great tack, but like still 1v1 me daughter. And to be fair, Justin did teach his beautiful daughter, Charlie, my niece. So I love very much to tell me her uncle who loves her very much that she is going to kick his ass. So that is the thing that now I live with all the time. I've been teaching my daughter to curse for a long time. And I hope that I never reach a point where I regret it. And perhaps I will. But you guys can take heart in teaching your children to curse,

confident in the knowledge that if it ever dawns on me that it was a huge mistake, then I can kind of warn you away. I can be the lighthouse on the Isle of Cursing and I can ward your ship into safer waters. We'll have about two and a half years. You'll be able to travel back in time, so to speak, to us and say, don't make the same mistakes I did. I'm just going to teach my son weird cuss words. Okay. Not the main ones, but like, you know, piss. That's the only one. What was the last time you said unironically bastard? You know what I mean? Yeah. My daughter came into our room and it was 5.30 in the morning and we were just trying to snooze a little bit. So we're trying to get her to just lay down

and try to sleep a little bit. And then from next to me, I hear that light on your TV is really annoying. And it's this blue light that is on on our TV in our bedroom always. And I say, yeah, it is really annoying. And there's about 90 seconds of silence. And then I hear, that light's fucking crazy. It is. Yeah, it is, sweetie. It is fucking crazy. That's true. I don't know why that light does what it does, but you're right. And you're like, okay, Cooper, go back to bed. Those are your first words. Hey, Coop, thanks. Great. Well, this has been a heck of a lot of fun. We hope you've enjoyed yourself. I'm loving standing. I'm a little over it. Okay. Well,

because once I stood up, I realized like, well, where do I go from here? You know what I mean? I feel great if I can get in control of the room. Anyway, so real quick, I wonder if you want to know next weekend, dad and I are going to be in a live stream that Wizards of the Coast is doing to announce their new D&D campaign, their new D&D story. And the stream is called Stream of Many Eyes. Dad is performing in one, I'm performing another. We're going to be Merle and Magnus with different DMs. My DM is Chris Perkins, which I'm like super excited about. Yes, I know. You are in for a good sesh, my friend. I'm very excited. And it's going to be live streamed, so you can watch it from wherever. If you want to find out more details about it,

you can go to dnd.wizards slash articles slash events slash S O M E slash some and get all the things or you can just like look on our Twitter accounts. We tweeted about it. We're going on the road. Okay, Travis, did you miss, I can't believe it. I misspelled our own last name. I spelled McElroy. Go to M-A-C-E-L-R McElroyshows.com slash tours. We're going to be in Phoenix in June and then Orlando and Atlanta at the end of August. And also we're going to be doing some shows for our book tour, which are going to be more like Q&A with some readings of the book. But those are still going to be fun. Those are in July. You can find details on all that at McElroyshows.com slash tours. Or you can pre-order the graphic novel

at theadventurezonecomic.com. My wife and I, Sydney and her sister, Taylor, we wrote a book. It's called the Sawbones book. It's about our podcast Sawbones. It's not about our podcast. It's not like behind the scenes. It's similar to our podcast. Taylor did the illustrations and it's going to be great if you go to bit.ly for it slash Sawbones book. It comes out in October, but you can pre-order it now. And I hope you really like it. One last thing. We have a merch website, McElroymerch.com. We are constantly, well not constantly, but we are trying to add new stuff to it as often as possible. And I will say right now, I am wearing our Adventure Zone Bureau of Balance hoodie. It is so incredibly comfortable. And 90s Travis loves it because

there's holes sewn into the cuffs that I can put my thumbs through. Fantastic. I love it. We also got a new, we're doing a Bureau of Balance bracer that's only going to be on pre-sale for another like week or so, I think, another week. And there's also a monthly pin that changes out. Maze is an abracadabra. You pin available in both explicit and non-explicit because we were curious. Getting some interesting ab comparisons on how nasty y'all are. Yeah, largely nasty, but some not so nasty. Interesting. That's at McElroymerch.com. Thanks to John Roderick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song. It's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. I've been listening to that one this week. It's a good one.

Some of the older albums too. Thanks to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. You can go to MaximumFun.org and check out all the great shows there. And if you want to hear more stuff that we do, just go to McElroyshows.com and you'll find out all of our stuff. You want that final, though? Wait, hold on. Hold on. I do want the final. I just have so many thank yous from the PO Box that are piling up. I just want to say thank you to some people real quick for sending stuff through our PO Box. Katie and Josh sent an omeline gnome. San Francisco yoyos. Thirsty Wynch in Sado City sent beer. David sent a pumpkin that he made that has our faces on it, the fucking rules. God, these are from October. Okay, shit. Samantha sent me a Spudz McKenzie mug.

Thank you. Alexis sent comics. Tori sent trains. Shelby for the Jimmy Buffett Box set, which is a classic. Abe Abbey sent a double R diner mug. Michael for the headphones. Nick and Clara made some business cards for Justin Macro. Best in the business. They're really funny. How many of them did they make? A good question. They made 420 and also 69 of them and put them in the same box divided into those groupings of numerals. So thank you to everyone. This final yahoo was sent in by Adrian Cowles. Thank you, Adrian. It's yahoo answers user. They're anonymous, but I'll call them Schwab asks Schwab. Is there anybody born in the 20th century alive?

My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother and me. Kiss your dad. Square on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hi, I'm Allie Gertz. And I'm Julia Prescott and we're the host of Everything's Coming Up Simpsons. Every episode we cover a different episode of The Simpsons that is a favorite of our special guests. We've had guests that are showrunners and writers and voice actors like Nancy Cartwright. I got a D minus I passed. And we've also had people that are on the Max Fun network already. Homer wearing that golf outfit is so funny.

And then there's, when he gets super into golf, he's wearing the golf hat in bed. We've had weird Allie Inkovic on the show. I was just struck by how sharp the writing is. I mean, that's no surprise because it's The Simpsons, but I mean, like you can't say that about a lot of TV shows, particularly ones that at that point have been on the air for 14 years. Find us on Maximumfun.org. iTunes or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, smell you later.