My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 409: Limp Bizkit Skank Boy

Episode Date: June 4, 2018

It's the summertime month known as June, and the age-old annual question is on everyone's lips: Where are they doing the Olympics this year? We got ourselves ready for all the great jumping and throwing-sports, but dang, if they aren't trying to keep this one a secret. Suggested talking points: Olympics Hype, Derek Dart, Apple's Music Toy, Proverb Punch-up, How to Buy Underwear, Church Sandwiches

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother and me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy. That's right, it's May, the end of May, when we recorded this, probably June by the time this

one comes out, and everybody knows that that means that it is summertime, time for a barbecue, pool time, and of course, the Summer Olympics. Did you guys practice that little opening music bit, because that was really good. Yeah, Justin and I call each other on the phone every week, and we say, okay, you ready? Three, two, one. Yeah, see, it was good again, you nailed it. Yeah, thanks. The Summer can only mean one thing, the Summer Olympics are back, and I am so excited about these hot games. The games are out this year, got a bunch of new ones, and excited they're switching it up, and I haven't heard anything about it in the news, which I follow religiously, and that's kind of surprising, so not exactly sure where they're

being taken place this year, and that's got me worried, but there's new games, I bet, and I'm excited to see all the athletes back in the mix. I've actually read some theories on Tumblr that I'm pretty excited about. I saw one, and I hope that this pans out, but I saw one where they're going to flip it this year, and do the Winter events at the Summer Olympics, and the Summer events at the Winter Olympics. Sure, yeah, so dune skiing is going to be fun, and then cold pool is the new one for the Winter Olympics. Yeah. Yeah, so it's Ryan Lochte, and he's trying to get in the pool, but he can't quite figure it out, partially because the water's frozen, but also because he's just a really sort of dumb individual. No, you don't mean that about Ryan, you don't

know him personally, the media can spin all sorts of things. Yeah. I'm looking forward to sopping wet curling. Sopping wet curling is the sexual fantasy. I am looking forward to slick sticks. That's where you put two slick sticks in your feet, and you just slide your way on down the hill at top speed, rocketing down across the mountains and through the hills on slick sticks. It's first one to grandma's house wins. Why are we talking about the Olympics? The Summertime month is almost upon us, Justin, and that means that the calendar is turned over another page into another Olympics. I don't understand why you're getting fucking confused about it. It's not funny when we talk about the real Olympics. Why did we think we could invent

new Olympics? I don't think I invented this Olympics, just I think Julius Caesar did or some shit. Can we talk about how the Olympics are on rotation like Brigadoon and they only pop up if you are in the right place at the right time and the missed part and boom, there's the Olympics and go get trapped in there because when they go away, they'll take you with them. Yeah, if you're left in Olympic Village after they shut off the old torch, you sort of live there for another year until the next Olympics take place. Every year, the Olympics appear in a location that no one knows and so it's always fun to hunt for the Olympics and all the athletes are getting ready because they know that once they start, whatever the first event is, if they're not on the same

continent as the Olympics and they have been in the ocean, if they're not on the same continent as the Olympics, they're going to miss their event. They don't have long to get there. Pretty sure this year, they're taking somewhere new. I think they're going to get out to Casper, Wyoming and yeah, the summertime destination of the world, certainly of the United States, I'll be there. You know me, I'm there every year. Me and Al Roker and paling around, tumbling around, wrestling. We like to wrestle with each other, not for the sport, but just like every time I see him, we just sort of like make the pose and then we start sort of grappling right there on the ground and sometimes he wins, sometimes I win. I would like to propose

something. If I assume that the Olympics committee is listening, we collect a bunch of dirt, we dump it in the middle of the ocean, we form an island and we call that island Olympics Village and you build your shit on there and you just use that over and over again. We populate it with like the most capable, strongest, most beautiful athletes in the world and every year we know where to go, we know where there's going to be and it's answers to no country. One issue I'm seeing, Trev. Shang Tsung's going to find this place. Oh, shit. Shang Tsung's going to find this place, start using it as the new sort of connection to the

Nether realm and going to turn it into a Mortal Kombat. If he's willing to pay, you know, to lease the space when they're not using it for the summer or winter Olympics, I mean, listen, the Olympics Village got to make their nuts somehow. So if, you know, if he wants to pay to have Mortal Kombat there in spring and fall, I think that's okay. It bothers me every time the Olympics go to some big city, but people already know about. Why can't it come here to Huntington, West Virginia? This is my pitch. Come here, build your slaloms, build your ramps, build your skateboard tubes, build it all here and just leave it. The problem that you get in your Rio de Janeiro's and your souls is that

you put up your ramp and after two weeks, someone's like, actually, please move. This is where I park. This is where my, you know, you name it, Laundromat, Flawful Shop, News Agent, whatever you like. This is where that goes and your ramp is in the way. Please move it, Olympics. You put that in Huntington, I can guarantee. Just leave it there. Yeah, we'll find it. We'll find a use for it. Thank you. We'll do something with it. And if you want to come do the Olympics here again, all your shit's already here. Why don't you just do them here again? No need to move them. One problem. I see what that, Justin. Well, you are just so nitpicky. Well, I want us to nail this fucker down. Okay. Shang Tsung moves to Huntington.

Okay. All right. Hey, Justin, can I also say, if you ever want to have just a fun YouTube dive, go on YouTube and search Abandoned Olympic Villages. Yeah. And you will learn that what you have just described is exactly what the Olympics already does. Yeah. A lot of prep work, zero post work. Enjoy your ramp, idiots. We out, Olympics out. What are you going to do with that ramp? I guess dry everyone's laundry on it because it's your problem now. See you. They tell him like, we're going to be back for this three and a half years. The world is going to come back and get this, get this ramp. So just leave it here and the world will come back for it. The world, our globe is littered with soccer fields. With Olympic needs. Olympic detritus.

That's why this soccer is so big all around the world is because Olympics keep building them. Yeah. There's all kinds of soccer places. So Casper, Wyoming, enjoy the soccer field. You can turn into a fertile farmland maybe afterwards. But don't think about that after times. Think about the coming up times when all the medals are going around and everyone, there's just so much jumping and throwing and I'm psyched out of my fucking gourd. So can we start the show now? It was 10 minutes. I think we've been pretty good boys and I think we deserve it. Six months ago, I joined a small kickboxing gym. All the coaches are excellent and most refer to us by name during classes or sparring. Due to my work schedule, I often

attend a morning class that is fairly sparsely attended, often just me and one other student. That's always taught by the same coach. He definitely doesn't know my name and it's gotten the point where he knows it's too late to ask and now he's going to go through weirdly elaborate ways to avoid having to use it. It's given me contact social anxiety. Brothers, how do I let him know my name without embarrassing us both? That's from panic stricken, pugilist in Pennsylvania. I feel like this is an opportunity to use a phrase that is rarely used these days, but I think you could bring back which is, you know, boldly proclaim you're going to do something or my name isn't Travis McRoy. Oh, that's great. That was definitely invented for this scenario,

which is good. Yeah. Oh, but it would really mess with them if you proclaimed like, I'm going to bring in biscuits for everyone tomorrow or my name isn't Travis McRoy. And then you don't bring in biscuits the next day and they're like, wait, so is his name- What's his fucking name? Isn't Travis McRoy? Fuck. So take that one off the list, I guess. Sort of a similar thing. You could invent some power moves that have your name in them. So sort of like the Derrick driver or something, you know what I mean? Like the Derrick spin kick. And it's like, here it comes. A Derrick. It's not a very good name. So like Derrick's, the Derrick, oh, the Derrick dart and you just kind of throw yourself at the person.

You gotta shout it like you're a street, like you're Ryu from Street Fighter. It's just sort of like Derrick dart. And then you do it. And the problem there is that he's going to think your name's Derrick dart, which is fine. Business card that you hand to somebody right before you kick their ass. And I'm going to be your opponent today. And it just says Derrick dart opponent. You have to stay within the bounds of the question. It would be weird for you to give a business card to somebody who has ostensibly known you for a while. So that would not fly. This is custom, Justin, for the art of kickboxing is you show respect to your opponent by exchanging business cards. Personalized boxing gloves that say your name

across the gloves. Oh, yeah, or backwards so that when you punch them, oh, and the shoes can have the names on too. So when you kick them right in the torso, they look down and it says property of Derrick Jemison. I know it's called kickboxing, but it feels weird that you're allowed to kick them, right? I just seem like you're trying to kick them and they're like, whoa, that's not good. Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's your, that's his feet. What? Powerful feet. What are you doing kicking another human being? What's wrong with you? With those powerful feet. Who throws a shoe? My daughter, my daughter threw a shoe at me this week because she was mad. And my reaction was who throws a shoe? Honestly. And she did not get it. This kid. She prefers borat. Y'all want a yahoo?

Honestly. This yahoo was sent in by Esther Joy. Thank you, Esther. Tia who answers user question mark. I'm gonna say flow from progressive insurance asks, would Apple sales be affected if Steve Jobs dropped the iPod on stage while presenting it for the first time? This is you nerds at home and you take your disc in and pop it in the discmen. And then this is how you nerds walk all gentle so as not to disrupt the disc spinning. What if I said fuck the disc? I'm so glad that I said that because I'd like to show you the iPod. This special little music toy is gonna, ah damn it, ah damn it. This Steve's big day. Oh nerds. I've broken the music toy iPod. All the music's leaking out everywhere. All the songs are all over the

stage. Somebody get some brawny paper towels. Hey, there's a big puddle of sister hazel over there everybody. Be real careful. How? Okay, there has to be some sort of behind the scenes technical wizardry happening because I've never seen any of this. I've never seen Johnny Ive like, oh look at this and this is iPhone 10. I gave it a little nubbing up on top. It's like a dandy little hat. And what's good is you can brush the hat and oh fuck me, I did drop my music toy. It's never happened. There has to be magnets in the gloves or sticky glue on all the like display phones. The only time it happened is with the special edition that was red and branded with U2 stuff. They did drop that one on stage but then Bono just started playing his guitar to

distract everyone and nobody noticed that it happened. Oh that's yes. That's why each Apple press conference ends with a concert usually by a bad music artist is they want to distract you just in case. So they have this lever they can pull Tim Cook is like, here's the iPhone 8 and I've just thrown it high in the air accidentally and it's exploded on the ground. Take it away, imagine dragons and they're like, boom and the bullshit and you're like, whoa, what just, you're concussed almost by the bad music. Now Griffin, you just threw the glove down at both U2 and imagine dragons. Anything you want to walk back for people at home or? Yes, I will say that Foo Fighters I believe did one and that band still shreds.

Okay, I one time I was at work at Petsmart back when I worked at Petsmart and I was pulling my iPhone out of my pocket and slipped. I tried to catch it but instead ended up spiking it into the ground as though I was angry at my iPhone and it shattered into a bajillion pieces. I would, I would like to see like Tim Cook do that now and then be like just kidding and pull like even better iPhone out of the pocket. The next iPhone, yeah. Technically, I think they did this at the last Apple phone press conference where he was like, this is the iPhone 8. Looks a lot like the iPhone 7, huh? Is Imagine Dragons ready yet? They're not? Fuck. Okay, check this out. Whoopah, smash. Here's the iPhone 10. We skipped nine. Bono, get out here.

Bono, quick, quick, save me. Travis, you went through a few iPhones of memory service because there was the one time we were at our aunt's pool and our daddy was bringing your phone to you and he did definitely drop it on the hard cement and he picked it up and then just continued the delivery and tried to walk away real fast and you were like, you were like, um, um, um, um, one moment please. It exploded. That was my iPhone 3, I believe, if I remember correctly. Cool move. Cool move by dad though. Was that Aunt Brenda's house? I was at Aunt Brenda's house and cool move by daddy trying to sneak one past you as if you would not notice the sizeable chasm in the glass surface of this screen. It was super cool, dad. If you're listening, dad,

I haven't forgiven you and I never will. But if you drop it on the stage, Tim Cook just tries to explode the iPhone 8 because it sucks and then he picks it up and he's like, oh, look at that. It's still good. Well, I guess. That's better for Apple stocks, right? If he drops it on stage. Yeah. Okay. Is that better for Apple stocks? He drops it on stage. It's fine. Like literally nothing happens, but you do realize that this company is in the hands of people, the sort of hands that will drop an iPhone at just the least opportune time possible. Right. That's going to shake my faith, I think, as an investor. Okay. Here's what I wanted to see. I want to watch a real time like tracking of Apple stocks as Tim Cook drops it and there goes that

right. But then he catches it on his foot and flips it back up into his hand and the stock just goes through the roof. I think that the optics we need to avoid here, Apple, we're now doing this and it's a paid service. So we'll send you an invoice is it's got to be purposeful. It can't be looked like it has a slippery accident. I think that Tim says, here's iPhone 11. We're so excited about this. Sorry about that nubbin on top. We shaved it right off. And for the next part of my book report, I'm going to kick this thing's ass for about 10 minutes. And he does take his shirt off and then he drop kicks the phone across the stage and walks slowly to over where it lands and then picks it up again and kicks it right back to the other side of the stage

and repeats this process for 10 minutes. And then at the end he holds- And he brings out Limp Biscuit to play along with it. No, no. Travis at the end, he gets on the phone, shows it still works by calling Limp Biscuit to come out on stage. And then while he's still shirtless on the stage and sweaty from the 10 minutes of phone kicking he just did, he just skanks it up there so fucking hard to Limp Biscuit's great songs. And they go on the road and Tim's like, I'm actually, this feels good. This feels right. This is where I belong. I'm going to keep doing this with you, Limp Biscuit. I'm a Limp Biscuit skank boy now. Fuck off, I'm free. I want Tim to come out one year and say, hey everybody, two things turn out. One, I'm free. I travel around

Limp Biscuit and I'm fucking free as a bird. Second, your current phone is fine. Paul, it's fine and I'm free. We couldn't come up with any new ideas. Just keep buying more of those, I guess. Is that a- Yeah. Don't buy them. You don't need them. I'm free. My name is Tim Cook and I'm the dancer for Limp Biscuit. And I'm telling you that I'm free for the first time in my life. Tim Cook walks out and pulls just a walkman out of his pocket with a Limp Biscuit cassette in it. He's like, this is all I need. You can still fucking jam to this. What are you- What are you talking about? I've got- You need one cassette. Limp Biscuit, there it is. This is my one cassette of chocolate starfish in the hot dog flavored water and this is all I fucking need. This tape

fucking melts. Why would I want to make a phone call with my walkman and interrupt my Limp? If I make a call, the Limp goes away. They're two separate products. Grow up. That would be a dope feature for iPhone 11 is if it let you make calls while still listening to Limp Biscuit. Try not to take a shit on Steve Jobs' legacy, folks. But the biggest mistake he ever made in his life was making the iPod bigger than the storage you would need to hold chocolate starfish in the hot dog flavored water and maybe one other Limp Biscuit track. But that's it. You don't need other records. That's it. This fucking melts. Listen. Hey, everybody, come up individually. Listen to my hand. It's like in Gordon's day.

Come out there and play your Limp Biscuit song that'll change your life. Yeah, Tim. Tim, I like this. This is good. Dude, your nipples are huge, man. Do you want me to get that shirt and land it on my wife in the audience? So I have a new segment I wanted to try. And this will be more of a service. The world has had a lot of time to get things right and wrong, and what I want to talk about is proverbs, not the book of the Bible that we might duck in there. But I want to hear my brother, my brother, me take the great advice that has already come before us from all the great world like cultures and wise people and whatever. And I want to bring it into the modern era with us here. It's called, this is Travis, his name, proverb punch up. And I want

to take some proverbs and I ask if you have a favorite proverb that you'd like us to sort of update, just let us know and we'll take a swing at it. But I thought we could just kind of get started and kind of try to bring the, make these modern. You know what I mean? Yeah, maybe no jokes on this one. Maybe like a real, like serious, like honest, serious. Here's the first one I want to talk about. The pen is mightier than the sword. The pen is mightier than the sword. And what is this is saying currently is like you can write words that could do more damage than one sword. That's fine. Nobody has pens. Yeah. No, and even fewer people have swords. So this is no good. This as an analogy, this is useful to us now as a people we need to

move on. So how can we fix it? The pen is mightier than the sword. Do you know the origin of this one? It was Alexander Great and he was up against the other army and they had so many swords and they didn't have any. And he said, oh shoot. And he pulled out his pen or his quill and he wrote down on order form, I would like to buy 100 swords. And so they filled it out. And then all of a sudden his one pen, Justin and Travis became 100 swords just like that. So because he had prime, of course. See, I heard it was Abraham Lincoln was leading the North troops in the Civil War against the South. He goes to the One Great River where they sort of separates the whole country and all the bad guys in the South had a bunch of swords,

the kerf ones. And all of his men had was pens. They didn't have any guns. They didn't have any swords. They just had pens and they were like, Abe, I know you cannot tell a lie. What are we doing here? Because it seems like we're about to get fucking wrecked. And he was like, no, don't worry, my man. The pen is mightier than the sword. You just have to sort of like, you know, get in there. You got to jab harder. You got to jab hard. You got to strike first. You got to be sneaky. But the pen can be in the right circumstances, milder than more powerful mightier than the sword. See, I thought it was a young man named Sammy Clemens. He was looking at a sword and he was like, this is fucking boring. Yeah. And then someone handed

him a pen and when he turned it and made it look like a chicken was walking across the road on the end of the pen. And he said, oh, this is mighty funnier than that sword. Okay. That young man grew up to be Mark Twain. Wow. Yes. Wow. Wow. Now, what I heard is comedian Dave Berry. Uh-huh. Someone showed him an apple and said, this is a sword. And Dave Berry stabbed into the apple with the pen. And he's like, well, I guess swords are shit. And so he says, based on this one observation, I can confirm that all pins are mightier than all swords. But we've lost the plot a little bit because how we update it. Fix it. Think about all the other things that must be mightier than the sword. You know what I mean? Like a big block or a pencil

even. Maybe we update the proverb with just a complete power ranking of all extant objects. Okay. Just to let people know where they clock in. So sword would be, sorry, getting close to the bottom. Pen would not be in the top. Technology has evolved so much. I mean, God, bazooka, Thor's hammer. Those are just two things that I thought of off the top of my head. I mean, right there, the pen is mightier than the sword. Fair. The erasable pen, that's huge. Yeah. So then you have to say the erasable pen is mightier than the pen because that, it does have the sort of corrective. Yeah. Maybe the proverb is just this then. The bazooka is the mightiest thing of all gang. I like that. And then there's no question about it because there is

absolutely nothing that can step to one of these beautiful tubes. Because if someone's got a pen and they're like, I've got this and you're like, I've got a bazooka. I hope you're, you can write very fast and you have some sort of distribution network available to you because this is going to be over quickly. I don't really know. Okay. But what if you use the pen to write broken on the bazooka? Because then they look at it and they're like, I'm not fucking with that. It could explode. Well, I kind of like this checks and balances though that we're establishing between pen and bazooka. It's just dumb. I could blow you the fuck away before you could get your piece of paper on my bazooka. This is kid shit. The bazooka wins. Never look a gift horse in the

mouth. I'll look at my fucking horse you gave me wherever the hell I want to. You look at a horse wherever you want. It's your horse. I don't see why you can't look. Don't you want to know what you're dealing with? See if it needs some dental care. This seems stupid to me. Do you know what I don't like about this aphorism and I never have? It's a negative, right? Give me a positive, like do look a gift horse in the eyes. Oh, you shouldn't do that though. Oh my god. Oh no. That's a huge mistake. Huge. Why? Because then it makes them feel like you're on the same level. If someone looks you in the eyes, that's going to drive you into some sort of battle fury. You don't want that. Well, but one in 10 times. That's your first step to see biscuit because you look

in the eyes and you connect and you say like, hey, they didn't appreciate you, but I will. Now run fast, you beautiful bastard. I'll tell you what's huge now is for teens today is reverse psychology because if you tell a teen don't look in that horse's mouth, they're going to be in that mouth by sundown. So what you have to say is that I demand you look in that horse's mouth right now and then people will see that and be like, fuck this system and they won't do it. Yeah. What if you put a picture of the horse's mouth on Instagram and they're all going to see it? Shit, that's funny. Isn't that good? How about how about we make it a little bit more of like a test, right? And you make it like, oh, looking on horse's mouth up to you. We get John Kenyonis near that horse and he

says, oh, I see you've looked in the horse's mouth. Have a seat. The early bird catches the worm. This one's pretty good still, I think. I think it does work. Early bird catches the worm, but the super-duper late bird that's so late that it's the next day is there before the early bird. Yeah, time means nothing. Time means nothing. Time is an illusion. Early bird catches the worm. The late bird will figure it out. They're going to eat a late bird. Late bird will get a late worm. You know what I mean? There's worms in the fuck everywhere. There's not just one fucking worm. I like that aphorism. There's not just one fucking worm. There's plenty of worms. And this bomb I just invented is going to get them all out of the ground.

Yeah. How about this for a proverb? There's plenty of worms out there. How come there's plenty of fish in the sea, but there's not plenty of worms in the dirt, right? How come it's not like the early hawk catches the one fish in the water? Like, does it make any sense? There's lots of worms. There's worms everywhere. Just get a different worm. Here's the thing we can twist it, though. The easy twist here, the late worms stays alive. Yeah. So it's just a question of what you are, a bird or a worm. And me, I'm a dirty, nasty worm wriggling around the ground, eating up dirt and dookie in the ground. I love this. There's plenty of worms. That's a proverb, right? There's plenty of worms. There's plenty of worms. Get there when you get there. There's plenty of worms.

There's like 30 worms. I think it's better if we attach a specific number to it. Okay. That's good because you can't sleep all day. You do have to wake up eventually, but like, so the proverb is just like, there's 30. There's like 30 worms. Not like. We got to be definitive. 30 worms. There are 30 worms. There are 30 worms. That's a good proverb. We're going to get that on a T-shirt. Okay. There are 30 worms, comma, don't be the 31st bird. Yeah. No, that's great. Right. Because that establishes like, you do need to get there, but you don't have to be the first. It's okay. Just don't be the 31st. I mean, you'll eat something, right? Yeah, that's good. That's good, Justin. It's going to be something. Maybe it's a mealy worm. There are 30 fresh,

good, good worms. Yeah. Okay. When God, when God makes a worm get eaten, he gives you another worm. Yes. Thank you. So there are 30 good, fresh worms. Try not to be the 31st bird, but if you are, there will probably still be some options available. A weird sick worm. You might have to eat a caterpillar today. That you despise. I love that. Because you know what? It's pithy. It's brief. I love it. Yeah. It's even better than the last one. Excellent. Let's take it back real quick, and we're going to head into the money zone. Can we do a review, like after show, like sort of review of that new segment? Okay. Yeah. I think that's really up to the listeners if they want us to fix their problem before them. You know, everything's going to be hard at first. It's

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the big day, check out ToastSecret.com. We offer various levels of help ranging from editing to full speech writing and coaching. Packages start at just $49.95. Take the stress out of the speech with ToastSecret.com. This is one of those things where it's like see a need, fill a need kind of shit. This is brilliant to me. Is there a partner website called SecretToast? This is toast I keep under my desk and it's not yours, Janice. I know it smells like burnt bread and jam over here, but mind your own beeswax. Janice. Janice. I have a message from Klopar. It's from Felrin. This says in a nasally voice, please. Well, you're the boss. Hey, weirdlings. I paid the macaroys to distract

you long enough to have my army of dippy bird robots, koaliyak, and Klopar clones take over your dimension. You're losing it, Justin. I don't think they're team up with many, Jenny, and Mimnum to try to take you back. You'll never get past the security goats. Later, loser. I think that's XOXO. XOXO, you're right. Thank you. Happy birthday to that loser Dalton, too. Did I do that? Yeah, you did. You did do it. We all heard it. This preferred timeframe on this was six weeks ago. So happy birthday, Dalton, and good luck on the next one that is just around the corner. Sorry. Here's a message for Caitlin and it's from Ammo, and it's a big Adventure Zone spoiler,

which is fun new style of content for the Jumbotron spots on the BimBam. So if you haven't listened to Adventure Zone and you want to, or even if you don't want to, you're going to want to at some point, I bet. So go ahead and skip ahead or turn down the volume for the next like 10 seconds. Here we go. You are the loop to my berry blue jeans. Let's be neck romantic together. That is a sweet message, and I'm sorry that a few people probably turned down their car speakers and didn't hear it. But to put it in sort of non-spoilery terms, they love each other. How's it going, everyone? I'm Oliver Wang. And I'm Morgan Rhodes. We have a brand new show on the Maximum Fun Network that we'd love to share with you. It's called Heat Rocks.

Morgan, we should probably explain what a heat rock is. It is a banger, a fire track, true fire. Right. Dope album. Each episode, we will bring on a special guest to join us to talk about one of their heat rocks. It might be a musician, a writer, maybe a scholar. I mean, I would have been happy to just talk to you about your heat rocks, but this is a different show. Yeah. I think people might enjoy hearing maybe the guests instead. To do that, you'll have to go to maximumfun.org. So if you want to talk about hot music, you should check us out. Heat Rocks. This weekend, I was in an apartment store and in the clearance section, there were men's underwear. I only spotted one pair that I liked and I started making

my way to the checkout counter when I realized that in buying a single pair of underwear and nothing else, the checkout lady would almost certainly think that I had recently pooped my pants, which I did not. I swear. I circled back around and grabbed a second pair of underwear that I did not like just to say the embarrassment. Was this all in my head or did I make the right move? That's from not so soggy bottom boy in corduroy. No, the problem is you've just sent the message to the checkout person that you have recently pooped your pants and you're planning on doing it again. That is exactly what I was going to say. I will strike again. They'll be like, do you need a bag for this? And then you say, no, I've got a bag and you pull up an empty

chipotle bag that you had on you and that will sort of drive this illusion home completely. And then go back in 10 minutes later and buy another pair of underwear that just keep going back in. But is there a limit at your establishment? What is your limit? I think the way to avoid any suspicion here is to shop as leisurely as you possibly can. Maybe even saying out loud, I am in no rush. Okay, I also want to point out you are you were gonna buy one pair of underwear and you're like, if I just buy one pair, they're gonna think I pooped my pants. What should I? I've got it. A second pair of underwear. Like there are many other things could have like tacked on that would have just upset the narrative completely.

Because they're probably like, I wouldn't worry about this. If you go right into, if you go to write aid, right, and you lay down a huge container of toilet paper, they're going to think, oh, this guy has to shit really bad. And he came in just for this because he got a shit so bad. He's not thinking ahead. He needs to do this right now. If you get the toilet paper and like sugar free gummy bears, they're going to think, well, he has whatever he's buying with it must be something that makes him shit a lot. Yeah. Because he's buying toilet paper with it. I would assume this guy's got big plans. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. The only solution here's what you should have done. You should have bought

the underwear, but also a t-shirt, a button up shirt to go over a pair of pants, a pair of socks, and a pair of shoes and laid them all out on the counter like that as you bought it. So it looked like you were buying a whole outfit, maybe even a hat, right? You're buying a whole outfit in one coat. A problem there, Trav. It's not Shang Tsung. It's that I would just assume and win everywhere. Oh, you pooped your whole outfit. My body is the problem. So I think what she does, you walk up with the one pair of... If you had a blowout. Yeah, you walk up to the counter with the one pair of underwear and you make eye contact with them, the whole time this sparks important. And you don't have to spend other money just to fucking prove something.

You just look them in the eyes and you say, I didn't... I didn't. Place the one pair of underpants on the counter and say, can you gift wrap that? Oh, that's great. Real good. I'll wrap a lot of gift wrap around until it'll take me about 15 minutes as the crow flies to get it unpacked. Because I won't be in any sort of rush. So you can make it as fancy as you want. Maybe you could announce, please leave the tag on, because I'm going to show my partner the style. And I don't know if they'll enjoy the style of these boxer shorts. So please leave the tag on because I have a partner who's very choosy about my undergarments. So leave the tag on, please, because I might return them. And when I do,

I will be well within my rights to do so. Oh, no, ultimate power move. Halfway through checking. I just say, no, you know what? In fact, I don't need these. And then walk out of the store. And then we'll come back. Yeah. And they'll know that not only did you not poop your pants, you are confident you're not going to between there and home. I told my partner about the style of these boxer shorts. And they insisted that I return and purchase them post days. Yes, I sent them a picture and they said, oh, yes, that will be very flattering. And so here I am. You know how partners are. And you could buy one pair of underwear. And then while they're checking you out, whisper under your breath, maybe you should your pants. I'm buying these for you. Did you

shit your pants, cashier? I'm buying these for you, because I think you should. They'll get so defensive about it about it. They won't have the chance to sort of judge you. Yeah. Also, I will take this impulse purchase funny coffee mug. Thank you very much. The danger with that one is you got to get yours in before they get theirs in. So maybe while you're even just 15 feet away approaching the registers, be like, smells like you shit your pants. I didn't. You could also walk up and give them the underpants and you say, you can check out and then you lift up the underwear and you pretend like you're having a lot of trouble lifting it. And you go, Oh, God, do you guys do delivery? An ultimate, I'm never going to shit my pants confidence

move right by the underpants and a pair of sheer white linen pants. Yeah. I'll tell you what move I like boys. You walk up to the registry. You got this one pair of underwear. You hand it to them. They beep it. They say that'll be 799 please. And you say, I shit my pants and listen, you know, shut up. I shit my pants and I don't have my wallet. Can you please please? My boss is here. My boss outside. My boss outside. I shit all over my pants, please. And they say, Oh my God, you don't have your wallet. And you say, no, my say no, my wallet at house. I have other underwear there. I wouldn't need these if I had it, please. And they say, okay, just take it, take it, take it, take it, take it and go. Do you need to use

our bathroom? And you say, no, I change in a car. And then you go outside with your free underwear. You just got. And you Kaiser says LA. Yeah, you see, you waddle up to the register, do this scheme and you waddle away. But then they see you outside. It's rotten, proud $8 richer. How about a Yahoo? Yeah, I would love to do a Yahoo Griffin. Okay, here's one that was sent in by Grayson Harlow. Thank you, Grayson synonymous Yahoo answers user. I'm gonna call him. Beverly asks, Is it okay to eat some sandwiches in church? No additional details here, but you have some sandwiches. And it's noontime and the creature's really ripping and roaring. And you think, I'm not going to make it. I need to eat some of these

sandwiches right now. Yeah, is it okay to just start chomping down on these? Or do I need to wait for the, you know, to be dismissed? Or is it possible to maybe slump one down real fast during prayer when nobody's looking? And then if they do come up to you, like, did you just eat two egg salad sandwiches during the prayer? You say like, I guess you weren't looking, huh? Hey, I guess you don't need anything from God, huh? Okay. I guess the question, Griffin, the important question, what's on the sandwich? Because there are definitely some answers to that that make it more okay than others. Like peanut butter sandwich? Fine. Peanut butter sandwich doesn't bother me. But like, if there's some like,

sloppy meats on there, I don't know how I feel about that. Sloppy sinful meats, you mean? Yeah. Yeah, anything cured is of the devil. Sure. I was in Ironton on Monday for the 150th Ironton Memorial they prayed. It's the longest continuously running memorial they prayed in the country. And I went to the shake shop on my way out because nice Rome, you go to the shake shop in Ironton. And I was waiting for 100 years for my my milkshake and my ice cream. And a woman who looked like she just came out of church came up to the counter to pick up her order and judging by the foil, it was a single hamburger is what it looked like to me. It was a lot one single large hamburger. And I did not hear her during the ordering process,

but so I can only extrapolate. But when the woman behind the counter handed her this, what appeared to be a sandwich, she said, and I quote, I put as much mayonnaise on there as I thought was safe. But if you need more, come up and I'll give you a cup. What? That's the worst thing I ever heard. What? What possible? Caught a soul? What call Larry? Could you have put on your order that would make someone so eager to please visa V and so confident that they had not visa V mayonnaise? What? What possible direction could they have been given? It sounds to me, Jayman, like the direction was, give me a reckless, dangerous amount of mayonnaise. Yeah. And the person behind the counter was like, no, no, not again. I put as much on there as I thought

was safe. Safe. Because I thought was safe. That is what she said. Safe. But if you need more, come up and I'll give you a cup. That's the worst part. No, no, we can't jump over that part. It's the worst fucking part. A cup. And I'll give you, I'm probably a plastic ramekin of mayonnaise. This person definitely means in a church service, like a Sunday church service and not physically in the building, right? Because we grew up in the Baptist church and we had all fucking a lot of sandwiches in that building. Yeah, no, I think they're talking about the sermon of the Lord's time. Here's the key to eating a sandwich during church. Okay. You got to pick your crinkle times. You can't just be sitting there and in a silent moment of prayer and reflection just as you open

your subway $5 foot long. Got to pick the moments when everybody says like, amen. You can peel a corner then, you know what I mean? No. It's going to be slow. No, the long hams. Talk to the minister of music beforehand. Just say how many verses of amazing grace are we busting out? This said three whole verses. Shoot. Yeah, but catch yourself there and we'll cut. Yeah, I could definitely squeeze in a sandwich up from the grave heroes. That's the moment because people are going to be having such a big fun time with that tune that you could just hide in the back, scratch down behind a pew, treat yourself, enjoy it. Yeah, don't do it during communion. And they come around with crackers and you say, no, I'm good. I plan to hit or you take a couple of crackers and you

take a lunchable meat and a lunchable cheese. How thoughtful. And the minister says, if you don't stop doing that, I'm going to ask you to leave religion. And you say, I'm still doing it, aren't I? It still counts. I just use it as a topping. I don't see what the problem is. My salad lacked crunch. It's a food hack, Mr. Pastor. So calm down. Why don't you and here's another secret that they don't tell you. You can request whatever drink you want in communion. So if you want, like, you know, you want some, I don't know, sprite, sprite. Yeah, you can get some sprite in there. You can get some San Pellegrino. Welcome to church hacks with Travis. Yeah, we got well, okay, I guess only Travis gets the church hacks. Yeah. Yeah, here's a church hack. If you go in

the Kiwanis room, when everybody else is in there listening to the sermon like dummies, they probably had donuts during the day and you could just sneak in there and pilfer to your little chubby heart's content. Church hacks. I'll tell you a secret. I'll tell you a secret place you could eat a sandwich during church and that's in the sort of prep room for the baptism. So you're going to go up to the pastor pretty much every week and say, I need to. I fucked up again. I need to turn up. You know what? This time I really understand it. Yeah, I get it. This time I'm really, really ready to dedicate it. So I need to, I need you to juice me up. Let me in there. It's like, I love your spirit. I love your initiative. Every time

after the service, I go in there and clean up. It smells like the stickiest ham. Is something happening that I don't know about. And the best part of doing it this way and doing it with a baptism every week, you don't even have to worry about cleaning the mustard and crumbs off your face. That doesn't get taken care of by the bath. Sure. Do you think that if subway started off advertising soft paper for church, that that would be, people would think that that was like a heathen thing or they'd be so stoked that somebody was talking about church that they would just kind of roll with it and stop going to Chick-fil-A and just start going there? How do you think that would shake out? Okay. I just, you give me an idea, Justin. A partnership

between church and subway. And we set it up like the Alamo Draft House, where you can sit there and your peer, you just like stick a little card in a thing and a sandwich artist comes by, they grab it, they come back to you, they hand you a sandwich in soft paper that you can eat during church. Now the benefit to church here is services will become three and a half hours long, but you can get a sandwich during it and also maybe forgiven or whatever. You're welcome church. We fixed it again. I think church would be stoked about subway's participation in this. And the thing I'm basing that on is how stoked everybody is for Dennis Quaid since he was in the, I can only imagine movie. And now they're like, we got a Quaid? The good one? I've always loved Quads.

Well, Dennis, I don't know about Randy. What is he even? See a third Quaid we don't know about. Hold on. Let me look. Third Quaid. Thanks everybody for listening to my brother, my brother, me. We hope you've enjoyed yourself. Justin, hold on. Let's see if Trios finds the third Quaid. No, I'm going to, I'm going to charge right ahead. We're going to be in Phoenix. I think this is the only, well, no, we're going to be in Phoenix, Arizona this June. All Quades. We're doing a couple of shows before that in San Francisco, but I believe those are sold out unless I am completely mistaken. I mean, Dennis Quaid has several children. That doesn't count. You cannot attend those, but you can come to see us. Phoenix,

Arizona, Symphony Hall. That's Saturday, June 16th. We are also going to be in Orlando, Florida at the Walt Disney Theater on Friday, August 31st. And Atlanta, Georgia at the Cobb, Energy P.A.C., Performing Arts Center, I assume, doing Mbem Bam. I just found a, I just found a Rick Quaid on LinkedIn. If you're the Adventure Zone fan, we are going to be in, Travis has not updated these to say which are sold out. We're going to be in New York, Cincinnati, Boston, and San Diego. I think, last I checked, Cincinnati and San Diego were the two that still had tickets. Okay, so you should come see us at those. McElroyshows.com slash Tours is the spot where you can get all those tickets. We're doing a sort of collaboration

with a mysterious package company. This is also Adventure Zone themed, but it's called Taco's Correspondent School of Wizardry, Cantrips, and Other Magics. If you go to bit.ly for it slash taco school, T-A-A-K-O school, you can sign up for that. It's going to be like a narrative experience that you have via the mail with a lot of cool little things and some new audio that we've recorded. There's an audio component to it. It's going to be really neat, but it's worth checking out bit.ly for it slash taco school. I want to thank John Roderick in the long winters for the use of our theme song, It's a Departure, off the album, Putting the Days to Bed. It is a great soundtrack for whatever you're doing. Washing dishes, driving in the car, furiously googling

for people with the last name Quaid, whatever you want. Thank you also to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. You can go to maximumfun.org and check out all the great shows there. Shows like Stop Podcasting Yourself, Lady to Lady, Switchblade Sisters, Jordan, Jesse, Go, all kinds of shows there. And if you want to hear more stuff, we do it's all at McElroyshows.com. Oh, speaking of, a new special project at Maxfun called Bubble. Yes. It's a series that Jordan Morris wrote and that a bunch of people are doing some voice acting in, including these three Macca brothers here. So that should be coming up soon, but you can find it in iTunes now and go ahead and hear one, the promo for the show and two, go ahead and subscribe to it so you can get

on the episodes. It's like a podcast sitcom, if you can believe such a thing. It's a sci-fi drama sitcom. Dramony. Dram. It's all, they really did all the genres for this one. So that's gonna be great. And do you all want the final? Yes. Yeah, you know I do. Finally, Yahoo! Sent in by Carl Vincent Boddy. Thank you, Carl. It's Yahoo Answers user. Sorry, something's going wrong. So there's a hat trick for Yahoo being a big piece of shit. Sorry, there's a banner at the top of the page that says we are undergoing maintenance for a few hours. Some features may be temporarily unavailable. What maintenance do you need to perform Yahoo on your service nobody uses? It's fine. It's fine as the way it is. It's perfect as is, as evidenced by the fact this username

doesn't show up. I'm gonna call him Carlson asks, Who else right now is shirtless and chomping on a huge hunk of cheddar cheese like I am? My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, and me. Kiss your dads. They're on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. I love it. Oh, man, every time. Well, I hope that you're enjoying this podcast you're listening to as much as we are pretending to. But anyway, why not listen to another podcast too? It's called The Flop House. And on our podcast, we have recently watched a movie, often a bad movie, and we review it on our podcast, but mainly talk about other stuff and I don't know, hang out.

It's all about hanging out, feeling like you're being with your best friends. Who are your best friends? Us three. Dan McCoy, Emmy award-winning writer for The Daily Show. Stuart Wellington, owner of The Best Bar in Brooklyn, Hinterlands, and Elliot Kalen, former Emmy-winning head writer for The Daily Show with John Stewart, former head writer of Mystery Science Theater 3000, The Return, so many things. Author of The Upcoming Children's Book. That's enough. The Elliot's credits just go on and on. Yeah, but if you like the idea of listening to three funny guys, talk about bad movies, then why not come over and listen to The Flop House? It's available at maximumfun.org or wherever fine podcasts are found. So get out of here.