My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 415: My Very Cool Telescope!

Episode Date: July 16, 2018

This episode is chock-full of practical tips, like how to punish a bird, and how to defend the honor of your favorite telescope. If you don't use at least one piece of helpful advice from this episode at some point this week, we'll eat all three of our hats. Suggested talking points: Justin's Christmas List, Candy Life Lessons, Telescope Bullies, Hiker Surprise, How to Punish Birds, Hummus Cream, It Catches, Office Improv

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome. My brother made an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. Oh no. I'm your sweet baby brother, 30 Griffin. Are you okay? Yeah, I've just been working out my radio voice. Okay, because it sounds like you kind of like swallowed a pog slammer and it got stuck.

Yeah, like a real pog throat. Podcaster over radio is the future. Oh god. Now it sounds like you're melting an acid. Time for some ads. We just started. I don't want to do ads. We just had a great rock block of comedy, 90 seconds for you. Now it's time to hear from our sponsor, Dutch Miller Chevrolet. No, I don't want to give free publicity to Dutch Miller Chevrolet. I think it's pretty narrow casting to people living in Huntington who want to buy a new Chevy truck. I'm so excited. I'm feeling so energized right now. I'm fantastic. Oh, you're excited because that graphic novel is coming out?

The graphic novel is coming out, I guess. You can probably pre-order it, I'm sure, but that is not why. It's because last night I got to hang out with my good friend, James Buffett at his concert in Cincinnati. 51 sold-out shows there in Cincinnati. He is just the biggest deal there. Summer cannot start in Cincinnati until Jimmy and the corollary for band comes to town. That was really frustrating this year because he waited until mid-July. Yeah. And we were like, Jimmy, what about 4th of July? What about all the cookouts? And he was like, no, you have to wait. Don't even try to go to him. That's spring, motherfuckers. But then he came and he saw his shadow.

Yeah. And then Summer was able to start. So I was so thrilled. Me and the whole family got to meet Jimmy, perform on Jimmy's pre-show. Yeah, I had a great time there. I'm part of Justin's family and he definitely invited me too because I live here in Cincinnati. Yeah, it's weird. I invited Travis and he didn't even want to say hi to me. He didn't even want to see me while I was in town. He was not interested. You invited me to come in the brief window you had when you would not be busy with Jimmy Buffett if I wanted to come say hi and wave you off like an old-timey cruise line so that you could go have fun at Jimmy Buffett without me.

Didn't want you to embarrass me in front of James. Because he would be sure to. I don't think that's unfair. That's not even what I'm like jies about, y'all. I'm on a new mission. Can we talk about it real quick? Yeah, what level are you on right now, Juice? This grind I'm in, it's getting good. I'm in the thick of it right now on this one. It occurred to me recently that the third season of Pete & Pete isn't available on DVD. For some reason, I had been talking or thinking about anything else now that I have the world's tiniest and most adorable bully pulpit that I wanted.

So I'm going to try to shake a few trees. I'm on the case. See where I can shake out. And guys, I think I'm making a little headway. Except for catching the attention of the giant corporation that would need to actually make this happen and could with, I'm assume an email. I haven't quite caught them yet, but things are going pretty good. Here are the people that I've got involved in this case right now. Okay. It's just Jimmie about this. Didn't talk to Jimmie about this. Should have brought it up with Jimmie.

God, kicking myself. Also, did see Emilio Estevez at the show. Did not bring it up to Emilio Estevez. He's got some clout. By the way, apparently Emilio Estevez is in your hood, Travis, so you know on it. It's a big fan. He filmed a movie here, bought a house here. Loves it. Loves it over the Rhine. So, okay, I've looped in PJ and Alex from Reply All because they do like some internet

investigations. So I'm trying to get them on it. I do have Danny Tamborelli. Little Pete is involved with this discussion. It's big. And then someone was like, I think it was PJ actually said like, according to this, it's because of a single unlicensed luscious Jackson song that was on an episode that Nick didn't get the rights to. And then I tweeted about that. And then luscious Jackson comes back on their official Twitter feed and is like, pardon, no one has ever spoken to us about it from Nickelodeon. We are open to talking about it. So I don't know, Nick.

You tell me. Oh, shit, building bridges. You tell me, y'all. Let me check. Oh, Justin, I just checked my GPS tracker and it seems like the ball is in their courts. Yeah, it seems like, listen, it's not up to luscious because luscious Jackson is down. It's not up to little Pete because he's down. I haven't heard from Big Pete yet. I can't imagine he's the one standing in the way. So you tell me. Who is Endless Mike?

Is it Endless Mike in the way? Might be Endless Mike. Rick Gomez. Get at us, Rick Gomez. Lift the van. The problem, I think the hardest part about this campaign, and it has been difficult and challenging for me and mine, the problem is that I'm also trying to get into the movie Trolls 2 or Trolls 2 or now if you prefer. So I can only tap resources that I don't think necessarily

will aid me in getting into the movie Trolls 2. So I am trying to keep these two. I can't put the full force of my efforts behind it. Sure. Have you guys ever thought about the fact that the three of us are basically living our lives as if they are big, dumb Christmas lists made by large children who are just like, I want to be in Trolls and I want the Pete and Pete 3 on DVD and I want to be Jimmy Buffett's best friend and I want to do a high five to Emilio Estevez and it's like whatever forces governs sort of the universe. So like, okay, let's see. Let's see what we can do. Let's see what we can do to get you in the picture.

It really makes me think that like the McElroy Brothers, not the three of us, but I mean the idea of us, our careers might be dying and everyone's just really nice to us here. Oh, no doubt about that. Yeah, I've seen the numbers. I've seen the figures. Let's get into the questions before I do one quick update. I think I just gave myself food poisoning with the old hot dogs I ate for lunch. They were from 4th of July. I know they're from 4th of July and they were still in the package. I figured that they were okay, but I'm starting to feel, you know how you start to like feel it and I'm just starting to feel it. So let's get going. And I just wanted to set you guys up for that. We might have to stop.

Okay, well, I consider myself Ward now, I guess. Good. Let's get into it. Here's our first question. I live on the third floor of an apartment building. One day after coming home from a run, the lady who lives on the bottom left of my building whispered come here and gestured to her door. As I walked to her door, she went inside and I waited outside for a couple of minutes and then she came back with a box of chocolates. But before she could hand them to me, she asked me where I live. I told her I lived on the top right of our building. She then frowned, shook her head and put the box of chocolates away. She told me she thought I was the woman who lived on the top left and then closed the door.

Couldn't have eaten the chocolate anyway, but I was very sad that she took them away. The woman she was talking about looks nothing like me anyway. What did the woman across from me do to deserve chocolate? How do I prove to the old lady that I am also deserving of chocolate? That's from Sad About Sweets in San Diego. Now, normally this is an advice show, but Sad About Sweets is asked us to dip our toes into what? Prognostication? Mind reading? More like life coaching, I think. Yeah, I got some life coaching and it's, I can highlight four different places you fucked up so bad. It's almost a one per sentence, which is a pretty good ratio. Let's see, a stranger opens the door in your apartment building

and they say from their room, come here, and then you oblige. That's wine. That's wine. Yes, problematic. That's one off the bat. They hand out some chocolate and then they pull it back real quick and you continue staying there. That's two. They say, where do you live? You answer three. This is, listen, I know it's too late to pick a theme for 2018, but I think part of it should be don't tell anyone where you live unless they know. One in general, they don't give you the chocolate, which you couldn't have eaten anyway, but you were still sad about the fact that you were sad about that you didn't eat these neurotoxin filled chocolates is like wild to me. It is wild to me. Do you want to know what the

person did that lived on the floor above on the left over them where they live on the bottom left? They stomp it too loud. They do a stomp and they do a dance. It's too loud. They do the stomp when the neighbor's parent is trying to sleep and now they're having to die for it. They haven't to eat the neurotoxin to get very, very, very sick forever. It's weird because you're so good, but you're also so bad and you got to just take a look at it and think a little bit better when you think your thoughts when people sort of confront you with a situation like this. I will also say one of my favorite, top 10 favorite things about being an adult is I no longer have to earn candy from it. I don't have to go trick-or-treating. I don't have to hope that

somebody in my class splurges on buying everybody those four chocolate peanuts, valentines things. If I want candy, I can just go get it. No question. So the idea of wasting a single thought after this of like, I have to be living a day. No, if you want something, go get it. You don't have to take handouts from anybody. I watched one of those YouTube movies where they made skittles in a kitchen and I said, man, those look good. It was about 11.30 at night. I was like, wow, those look really tasty. And I was like, oh, that's right. I'm 31 and I went and I got in the car, drove to the gas station, got some skittles, came home, ate a ball. Had a hard time going to sleep because all the skittle energy inside of me, but I did it because I could. So my Spanish teacher, some skittles for

a fundraiser once and later I asked how they were and she said they're really good, but they were so sweet. She had a cut in half. Whoa. She's a thrilling woman. That doesn't make my gas unless you're eating them half at a time. Hey, Yoli and Yahoo. Yeah, I love that, Griff. All right, all right. I mean, this one was sent by Adrian Cal. Thanks, Adrian. It's an anonymous Yahoo answers user, but I'll call him. The Geico lizard asks, what would you do if someone laughed at your telescope? Oh, man, tell me about it. You're just trying to get away from the jocks on earth, by putting your head in the clouds up in the stars, looking at God's great creation, checking out some of your favorite constellations. I'm talking about Virgo and Sagittarius and all

the great ones, Gemini is up there too. The big ones. Then all of a sudden, a bigger scientist comes over and says, oh, is that it? You may as well be using a little paper towel tube, you little putts. That makes me feel like shit. I think the worst case scenario would be like, you're looking through your telescope, you look at Mercury or Venus or whatever, and you see an alien with a telescope that's way nicer than yours. You can see through your telescope, though it's a little blurry, that alien talking to their friends and pointing at you and laughing, and you're like, there's life out there, and they think I'm a dingus. Yeah, they've written on the face of Neptune like, huff my shorts, Darrell.

Ow, that would hurt so bad. You spend your whole life dreaming of like, oh, I wonder if there are aliens, and you're like, there are, and they're making fun of me. I don't like when people feel they need to point out that my telescope is made of cardboard and has no lenses in it and does not increase the distance that I can see. And it is just a cardboard tube. And I can't, I can't, I don't know how to get one of the big telescopes. And if I did spend the money on it, I wouldn't know how to use it. So can a kid just have some fun with a cardboard tube pretending he's a space pirate looking for his next celestial plunder? Yeah, I don't see any problem with that juice. That's just an imagination. That's what I call it. I think I'll get off my case about it.

Yeah, I know it's cardboard. If somebody was like, oh, that's a real dinky telescope, you'd just suddenly tip it towards the ground and say, it's a microscope, asshole. And now they look dumb. I just had it upside down for a second. I polished the lens. Now you look stupid. Hey, Steve, you know what I'm going to, you know what I'm going to use this to look at? Your dignity. Because it's a new skill now. Got them. You do that. They're muscles too. Like, oh, I guess it is because I'm looking at your muscles and there's nothing there in noodles. You can make fun of how weak they are because they don't have any muscles. You can't see me with a really good, a decent telescope. It's not the best. It's not great. So there's a lot of

things you can do with a telescope bully to hurt them. Maybe shine light through one end so it magnifies it. A laser beam. No way. Hold on. No, that doesn't work. That's not right. I'm thinking of a magnifying glass. Could you tell them that this is a model of one that you are going to order and that the salesman is so eager to book this sale that he brought you a model of the one you're considering so you can really see if it's the right fit for you. Because you're such a whale, but they're so happy to get you. They're like really buttering you up. They left one of their samples there with you. Or maybe like scratch like in the Tyson in it. And then when someone's like, that's a dinky telescope, like, oh, is it? And then spinning around, they're like,

oh, shit, that was Neil deGrasse Tyson's telescope. And it's not true, of course. You say, yes, I stole it from him. I made it mine because I took it. Now I see the stars. Yeah, he's dropped off, hadn't he? Haven't seen him doing his tweets lately. He's sort of a holier than now space tweets. Well, that's because he doesn't know how to see it anymore, because I took his favorite telescope. Only I can see the moon. And now I'm the space king. You could take your telescope and hit it against their telescope until it breaks. He'd be like, seems like both our telescopes are now bad. Seems like we both have bad telescopes. How did telescopes work, Justin? Here's one thing you could trick. They have two different glasses

on. Here's something you could try. When they're not, they make fun of it and you turn around, like they just hurt your feelings because they're making fun of your telescope. And I bet when you turn around, they probably even go harder on it. You know, they're like making fun of even the color and the second rate brand of your telescope. And then when you turn around, you hold it up and what have you written there on the telescope? It's their name. And it's like. Your telescope. And I was keeping it for you for a second. Oh, okay. I bought yours. This telescope is you when you were making fun of yourself. Okay. Third possibility. It's also, oh, well, I got it for you as a gift.

Oh, yeah. That's a good one because you could do, you have so many options you do once you pull off the move. Another thing you could do is as you're looking at the telescope and something comes on and says, hey, shit had dumb telescope, you kind of pull away from it and smile and look at it. I mean, you just kind of stand there smiling and they're like, what are you smiling? And then a meteor hits them and kills them. It's pretty good. That's a good move. And you walk away whistling, don't worry, be happy. That's a pretty good move. And it's like the end of my sort of like science coming of age movie. Uh huh. So how about another question? Would you all be okay with that? Greetings, brothers. I frequently go hiking, but my legs are very long.

And I often find myself passing slower hikers. I don't like to raise my voice, especially out in the serenity of the wild. So usually just try stomping my feet real hard to get their attention. What? Very often though, people have headphones in or just don't hear me stomping. And I end up shouting, Hey, or excuse me just before I pass them to avoid getting punched. This tends to scare the hell out of people. And I'm wondering if there's something I could be doing differently. Do I need to speak up as soon as I see them? Should I carry a cowbell with me? That's from Sneakings Too Easy in East Tennessee. This is great. Who are these people going hiking with headphones on? How are you going to hear bears and shit? No, they're listening to bears.

Wait, what? Yeah, they're listening to like bear sound playlist on Spotify. Just because like you're not always seeing bears. And so if you want like a four of 24 seven bear experience. Griffin, I meant for safety, not for like enjoyment. Like, no, I went hiking, and I didn't see any bears. Well, that's good. A bear is dangerous, but the sound that makes a beautiful, beautiful choir is the impetus on Tennessee for making their hiking trails so conducive to sneakers. Yeah, it seems like they need to have maybe some more mirrors on the trail and some more sort of crackly tender. Perhaps is that something that's an option? Crackly tender. Just like tender, like leaves and branches,

you know, tender. Like I'm using it like a fire sense, but like, you know, leaves and branches on the forest floor. The crunchy stuff. The crunchy stuff. More croutons, more pretzels, more peanut shells. Thank you, more melbotast. There on the floor. You know, crunchy things. The crunchy stuff. You know. I love this question so much. There seems to be like a broad category of flawed human interaction and that it starts with like baseline level. You're at the grocery store and you're walking towards a person and you both over correct. Like you both try to get out of each other's way, but keep getting in each other's way and you do it like nine times. Just sort of moving around other human beings is a real fucked up bad process, it feels like.

And this is the pinnacle of that, I think, because you are already in sort of a heightened sort of like nature defense state when you're out on the trails. Can I admit something about the little grocery store shuffle? I am somebody who is desperate for human emotion or human connection, rather. What? I live, like I work out of my house, right? So like when I leave the house and especially if like my family's on around the day or whatever, I leave the house, it's like, oh, people, but I'm also like an incredibly awkward person and like a social sense. There is nothing that I delight in. I dare I say revel in as the grocery store shuffle because just for a moment, I have a connection with another person that is based

on the both of us fucking up. And that is so not me fucking up and dropping a big jar of pickles on my foot and our base having a laugh. That's a connection of another sort. This is one where we both we've started this conversation with the phrase, I'm human. I'm fallible. I'm Justin. What's up? What's up? Justin to that same point, my favorite that kind of connection, my favorite connection is the entirely perceived connection. So like when you find yourself similarly at a grocery store going the opposite direction of someone else. So you keep like meeting in the middle of aisles. So by the end of it, you have not interacted at all, but you have become familiar with them. Yes, very aware. I love that. Or like if you're on a long stretch of highway,

and like you and the same car kind of keep passing each other, that's what you have not, you have not like spoken, you don't know who that is, but you're like, you and me red car, we're in this together. That's real though. That's that. That's the card thing is like, that's where like 50% of marriages get started. The other 50% is like mattmatch.com. Another road phenomenon I just drove to and back Cincinnati in like 48 hours. So I've been on the road quite a bit. Another road phenomenon I was thinking about today that's sort of in the same category of like interactions with strangers. Isn't it a weird moment where you watch someone be a total fucking idiot on in the driving capacity for, I mean, miles and miles. It could

go on for like a long time and you just watch someone do the dumbest shit. They're like tailgating trucks. They can't see them and cutting you off. And there's that. There's a moment if you pass them where you get to look over and you're like, I'm about to see what the stupidest fucking person on earth looks like. And you're imagining in your head like how dumb I'm going to look at what a piece of shit and how mean and stupid and petty their face is going to be. It's always a letdown. They never look as hateful and it's never like the noib. It's never like Oscar the Grouch like, that's right, I drive too. Okay, we're so far away from it. What's the solution here?

I'll answer this. Why is it your responsibility that other people have made themselves so murderable? Why are you letting them pass the buck onto you and making you, they should be trying to not get murdered and that is not your problem. They need to have their head on a swivel. It's not fair. It's not fair. But if I was this person, I was walking around listening to my bear sounds and I was on the trail and, you know, I got those primal instincts just flowing through me. And then a shape that wasn't there before and suddenly is there inches away from me to my side trying to pass me. I would react with a startled, you know, roundhouse kick. And that's not, that's not fair. But that's the situation. So can you just sort of sprint like when you get

close to a person? Can you just run past them real fast? And the fun thing about that is you can also look back and look really scared as if something's chasing you. I do like that. Do you really want to give someone the experience of looking behind them and seeing a long legged monster sprinting at them? No, you're in front of them. You're in front of them at that point. There's a scary monster behind them, though. What if, okay, what if rather than sprinting past them, just when you get close enough, you do a really like ballet leap? That's just like super fucking graceful. And out of the corner of their eye, they're just like, a deer? A gazelle? I wouldn't punch that, right? And then like, no, that was just an amazing human being.

And then you're off. That's a good point. You do a little Lion King makeup. Yes, you know what? Lean into it. Yeah, borrow that Lion King makeup from the musical and do like an antelope and just go springing through the, you know, right past them. They'll be scared for a second until they see how beautiful you look. And graceful. So here's a yahoo that was sent in by Stacey Trombone. Thank you, Stacey. It's from Yahoo Answers user who is anonymous. So I'm going to call him Ted Heaton, the third state farm agent. Just got to add here for Ted. He looks, he looks very agreeable. And so Ted asks, what is the right way to scold my love bird when he does something wrong?

It's a real bird. Yeah, we're talking about a real bird. It's sort of a parrot type of parrot, like a little parrot guy. If it wasn't though, oh, shit. No, okay. It's in category pets birds. So this is not like, you could read this like, when is the right way to scold my love bird? My fucking parrot. What's wrong, Justin? I got an answer for you. I decided to go ahead and give you guys this, you know, it's so rare that we are actually helpful on the show that I just wanted to give you guys some real helpful tips. Okay, punish this bird. Okay, here's the rules. I may be in trading according to the spruce pets.com. Here, there's three. There's just three. And let's, let's hope we can keep these tips straight. Number one, never hit a bird.

Yeah, guys. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, for sure. Definitely. They're extremely fragile creatures. Yeah, no shit. The slightest force can cause severe injury or death. Maybe an ostrich, I might feel comfortable hitting and an extreme sort of death. Still shouldn't. Rule number two, don't hold a grudge. Birds are intelligent, but also very sensitive creatures. When you express this pleasure with your bird's behavior, make the lesson short and sweet. Prolong negative attention can cause undue emotional stress for your pet. And rule number three is never compromise your bird's health. Don't punish your bird by withholding food or neglecting cage cleaning.

What is the, it is so wild to me that there is a human being that is one, an owner of a bird, and two, an owner of a bird that thinks that they're going to let their bird live and fill through, inspire it to better its existence. Like, it's a bird. So this, they're so delicate. They're so delicate. We're not going to punch him. We've got that. What is the right way then to scold my love bird when he does something wrong? You know what? Maybe love more. Maybe say like, I understand why you're doing this. It's my fault. That's probably the right answer. Yeah. But the better answer I think is to, they're probably in a cage, put their cage right in front of the TV, put it on an episode of Frasier.

And then right when it's like two minutes from done, you stop it. Oh, it's gonna be stuck in their head all week. But how did he get out of this one? And you can keep doing that with the whole series. But you would go like in the bathroom and finish the last couple of minutes yourself. Because you don't want- Don't subject yourself to that kind of torture. You didn't refuse to eat seeds? The bird did. Yeah. So, yeah, you didn't yell so loud that your cousin woke up. The bird did that. So the bird deserves the phrase of blue balls, but not you. Because you didn't yell that you so loud your cousin woke up from a big nap. An important nap. That cousin who worked the

night shift, and you know they were tired, but it wasn't you. You didn't- It's a bird. You didn't shit in one of your Burger King Batman forever collectible bugs. Your bird did. It was a bird. That was the bird. And you get bird can't pretend like they didn't know that cup was important to you. They clearly know how to speak English. And they know how you feel about Jim Carrey as the riddler. So, you can wash it, but then the frosting of the mug is gonna come off. Thank you. It's not gonna look as nice. Yeah, nobody wants to talk about it, but it's true. Let's take a break real quick and go over to the Money Zone. How would that treat you guys? Okay, let's go.

I want to tell you about my unders. Yeah. As it is colloquially known. Your dumpster card. What? Your dumpster card? It guards your dumpster. I would like to tell you about my caboose cover. All right. Meundies is our sponsor. Okay, well, it's true. They probably want us to say the name of their- I mean, they make- it's a Venn diagram. They make a hell of a dumpster guard, but that's not the name of the company. If you've listened to four episodes of My Brother, My Brother, and Me, you've probably heard us talk about meundies at least once. And they are my favorite underpants. And it's not just underpants. They've got brazier options. They've got pants options. They've got a really great

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subscription thing is so cool because it, who remembers every three months to change your toothbrush? You don't. But quip shows up with a fresh battery with the head for the toothbrush is like, Hey, like a, like, I don't want to be like weird about it, but it's nasty now and you should, you should get a new one. And then you do and it's easy. You don't go to the drugstore or anything. You just get it and use it and it's nice to use. It looks great. I don't know. I love, I love this toothbrush. Quip starts at just $25 and if you go to get quip.com slash my brother right now, you'll get your first refill pack free with a quip electric toothbrush. It's spelled G E T Q U I P.com slash my brother. Check it out. You will not be disappointed. Hey, how about a

jumbotron? Okay, this one's for JP or perhaps JP. And it's from Meg who tells JP. Happy first anniversary. My baby. That's M Y B B Y one word. So maybe this past year has been the best ever from an adorable role for initiative for a state to buying us a house. I couldn't ask for a better life partner. Also, thank you for letting me cry so much because you are my emotional vacuum. I love you and I like you. Your baby. Your baby. Good love here. And one, it sounds like very, very eventful year from first date to buying a house. Congratulations. Congratulations. And that's just a great partnership. I would give it a 10 out of 10. Well, I'm going to say 9.9 out of 10. Because I always like to leave a little bit of room there. So someone's like, yeah, we do really

good. But you know what? Let's work on our communication and maybe buy some more plates. Yeah, it's aspirational. Yeah, it still gives people a thing to shoot for. This next message is from Michael and Jesse and it's for Jackson Yoder. Dear Jackson, may you always puff the fattest clouds in 2018 and beyond. That's great. Happy birthday, my dude, from your companions in sadness, Michael and Jesse. And if you're enjoying a vape right now, let's just do one, a big rip, just sort of cross the country. Let them see like, you know what I'm saying? Cross America, just like around the world. Cover this country in cloud and Jackson will know what's up. Three, two, one, rip.

And blow that shit. Yes. Justine, you want to read this next one? Hell yeah. This is for the KGB from Murphy. It says, we have an event or a booth or elections or something. I'm so glad to share this wonderful macro content with you guys. Thank you for making my ears at CMU. So amazing and memorable. Keep being the awesome people you are and I'll see you as soon as you can build a structural house in less than a week. Motion to purple and get foe. Man, there was just a lot of coded language in that one. Is that actually for the KGB? It might have been. That's cool though, if it is, because it's like, now we're part of it, you know, the big conspiracy, I guess.

Yeah, we can't get back out at this point. Now we're too deep in it. Too deep, way too deep. It's real exciting. And also, I think you said, thanks for making my ears at CMU, so amazing. No, I didn't. My ears. There's two really sounds. You said ears, and so I just wanted to just say ears. It did sound like it, so I just wanted to dunk on it real fast. Okay, listen to it. My ears. Sky high. Okay, dunk. That's the dunk sound. You say it together at a reasonable pace. Sure. Thank you all for making my ears at CMU.

No, KBC. Sky high, half court. No one talks like that. Beginning this summer, you can listen to new episodes of Inside Pop every other week for an even deeper dive inside the world of pop culture. Now we're still bringing you our brilliant insight, always on the nos opinions, and insidery inside information on the most interesting pop culture stories of the week. And we'll also have interviews with the pop culture professionals who create the culture you crave. For example, we'll speak to casting directors about how they find the right talent

for the right role. We'll talk to music supervisors about how they choose the music to create the right mood. And we'll grill producers. We'll discuss what exactly a producer does. Oh man, Sean, how many times has someone said to you, oh, you're a producer, so what do you actually do? So many times. Same here. So make sure to catch Inside Pop every other Wednesday on Maximum Fun to indulge your pop culture obsessions. And to hear in-depth interviews from the movers and the shakers in TV, music, film, and more. Next question. Next question. That's not a question. Oh, God, heaven.

The corn remix is brilliant. I want a mud. Come on. I know. The hummus and pita co prepares to launch hummus ice cream. It's coming. Didn't we do the hummus milkshake? We did do that in Detroit, so no one will ever hear it because it was part of our Star Wars show on the heels of the successful May launch of the first hummus shake.

I'm so glad to hear it went well, by the way. And also, I should have mentioned this earlier. You can do the hummus shake. Oh, that's fun. Remember that meme? Yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure. The medic content. The brand's first ice cream will be available at the hummus and pita co's Chelsea location beginning on National Ice Cream Day. Have they no shame? This Sunday, July 15th, oops, at all locations beginning August 1st.

Okay, so you still have time to prepare. It's all natural and made with good for you ingredients like protein packed chickpeas, real tahini, and pure vanilla. The four available flavors get their sweetness only from ripe dates and creaminess from either almond milk or coconut cream. The indulgent chocolate flavor is made with almond milk. Their goal here, as in there, as I can tell, is to talk long enough that you forget that they put hummus in your ice cream. Yeah, sure.

Gotcha. Straight as out. Can I tell you fool something? Uh-uh. The idea of like sweet hummus? I'm on board. Graham crackers and chocolate hummus. I've heard it's good. I've heard it's good.

I've had dessert hummus. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying it's just a lot of hummus to eat. It's just the idea I just have a problem with. I put a scoop of hummus on this cone. Do you want to enjoy it? I'm sure it's very delicious. Sometimes you sit down in front of some hummus and maybe you're talking with friends.

For me, the best time to have hummus. Oh, indeed. And suddenly, like, all the hummus is gone. And you realize, like, I just ate a shit ton of hummus. Maybe that's what this is for. Like, oh, I accidentally ate a lot of hummus. I am. The quote is very good on this one.

It's from founder Dave Pesso. We never get them from the top. And this one comes straight from the top from Dave. We were so blown away by the popularity of the hummus shake. Indeed. Yes, I would imagine, yes. That we knew we had to keep inventing new treats, says founder Dave Pesso. This all started when I developed the dessert hummus as a healthier alternative for my daughter.

And the response from my family was so great that we wanted to share it with the hummus and pita code guests. As a prank, as a goop. The fiction that Dave wants you to believe is he's at home from his day job of being the founder of the hummus and pita code. He invents dessert hummus at his house. And then as an afterthought decides to add it to the menu of his hummus company. Are you making some delicious hummus?

Oh, you know who is like this? Do you know who is like this? The fucking company I founded that has hummus in the name. Are you fucking with me, Dave? Hey, guys, I've got a weird thing to pitch at this board meeting. You know how we make hummus? Yeah, you're all nodding. Okay.

I made some hummus. Do you think we could maybe sell it? Hey, what I talked to you about getting, oh, me? Is me? Okay, great. Great idea, self. It is also, it is also so good. The idea that Dave Pesso would make a treat that he would,

he would foist on his daughter that it may not be good enough for the guests of the hummus company, it's just good enough for his family. And here's what you don't know is that he also made her a hummus dog and a hummus bed and bought her a first hummus car. His hummus. I bet it tastes fine though. I bet it tastes good. I bet it tastes good.

It's just a lot. I enjoy hummus and I've heard good reviews of the sweet hummus. It's just, it's the, for me it's the removal of the act of dipping. That then makes it, hummus shake, hummus ice cream. I'm sure they taste good. I still know that I am scooping, heaping helpings of just pure chickpea sort of mash into my gob. And that's the thing, that's the thing I have trouble sort of getting over, I guess.

But wait, is this, they call it ice cream. Is it non-dairy? Sounds like it. Sounds like it's just chickpeas and vanilla and tahini and almond milk or coconut cream. Yeah, see it's dairy, it's gluten-free, dairy-free and vegan. Fuck, I bet it's, damn actually, I bet this would go down real smooth. Okay, is this the first, this might be the first Munch Squad you've done where I'm like, all right, I might fuck with this.

Yeah, I think it's only in New York, but we're gonna be there after it launches. Let's get over there. Let's give it a shot. How about a yahoo? Yeah, do it. Okay, this one was sent in by like virtually every person who emailed us this week. I've not seen a consensus like this in some time. It's from another question mark user, so I'm gonna call him.

Four dogs working together to use a computer asks, would you be embarrassed if someone tried to kill you in public? Oh god, oh golly, this is my face red. You're at the party and there's a bunch of college drinking, going on party and dancing, listening to LMFAO, just the staple college party stuff. And then Screamface smashes in through the window and you're like, ah fuck, I'm so sorry, I will pay for the window. This guy sucks ass and I'm so sorry, I did not invite him.

He keeps trying to do a killing to me and it sucks. I'm so, I'll leave. He's gonna chase me like down into the tunnel, but then he gets lost in the tunnel and he gets really tired because he's like not good at killing. So I can be back here in like a half hour. I can actually swing by Super America and pick up another 18 pack of, you know, Coors. Okay, bye. Bye, see ya.

I gotta go. See, I was picturing more of like you're walking through perhaps like a square in Venice. It's beautiful buildings everywhere. Perhaps you're walking through like an outdoor cafe where people are sipping their espressos and suddenly there's a sniper shoots you from atop a cathedral. They miss, but you're really embarrassed. Oh, everybody looks up from their espressos and they're like, who are you? And you're like, oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, please get back to your espressos. I just, I have some international secrets. I'm Doug Bourne and let's just say I'm sort of a hot target for the, you name it, man, CIA, KGB and the other Bourne, Doug Bourne. Do you want to see me jump super high? Do you think Damon has the guts to start a movie called Doug Bourne, Hot Target? If I saw that in the DVD shelf, I might still give it the pass on by, but I'd give it a good think about real quick.

I was doing some reading about the Bournes. Did you all know they made one and they didn't want to do the director? They'd done for the other ones. And so Matt Damon from the Martian said, no, I don't, I'm not going to be in it because I love that director. And so they said, okay, we'll get Jeremy Renner instead. And just Jason Bourne won't be in this Jason Bourne movie. So really the idea of Doug Bourne, Hot Target has precedent in it would be a Bourne movie

without the right Bourne in it. He's the wrong Bourne, sort of the man who knew too little situation, just stumbling around. That one didn't even have, like the Bourne legacy didn't even have any Bournes, right? It's like Bourne Free. Bourne Free would have been a way better title. Bourne Free would have been good. I think at one point somebody saw the back of Jason Bourne's head and was like, is that Jason Bourne?

But then he was gone and that's how they like tied it in. That would be pretty embarrassed, I guess. I would be embarrassed because of, you know, me. I would probably not make some great noises if I was running away from the It Follows Monster. Because you think about the It Follows Monster and you think like, wow, that must suck, having to constantly stay on the run. But then you also got to think about sort of, you're at the grocery store and you're walking down the aisle and there's another person walking down the aisle towards you and you

go to the left and they go to the left and you go to the right and they go to the right. And you're like, I need you to get the fuck out of the way because if this thing touches me, it's going to fuck my body up. It sort of adds multiple layers to it. That or they are actually the It Follows Monster and they're just stopping at the store. If there's one thing I know about the It Follows Monster, it's that it follows. I've never seen it, so I don't know at what distance. But it's not called the It Catches Monster.

Oh, no, it can't. Oh, Trav, it does a catch in the movie. Oh, it does? Oh, boy, it doesn't really catch. Then it's really misnamed. It should be called the It Catches You Monster. Yeah, it wants to and when it does, yow-za. Yeah, it ain't pretty.

You guys see that movie, Trav, it bangs, dude. Is it scary? Oh, fucking yeah, yeah. Then I'm not going to watch it. Why would I do that? Anyway, this has been our movie review segment. I work at a very successful startup with a casual atmosphere and very friendly people. Net Nanny.

What? It's Net Nanny. The company's Net Nanny. The startup Net Nanny? Yeah, they're still trying to get some investment. They think like a startup at that time has been so successful. Yeah, I'll never think about Net Nanny 2018. I don't think it exists anymore, but there is a period where we were like,

I don't want all the internet. Some of it's real dirty. Can I have a pie? As Justin McElroy, a 37-year-old man in the year 2018, can I get Net Nanny? Because I would love to have less of it. If you could give me less of it. I need an adult to tell me like to be the voice of reason of like, this is, you don't get all the internet you want.

Here's the internet you need and that's all you can have. I need like one eighth of Wikipedia and Club Penguin and I am good to go. Everything else is just a fucking distraction. Anyway, we have a large open office with an employee kitchen in the center. Oftentimes you'll be getting a coffee or your lunch and another employee will walk in and do their own thing. Usually there's a polite how high are you and that's it. However, there is one employee, a higher up with the company who also does this,

but instead of moving on after the greeting, stares at me expectantly, waiting for more to be said. When there never is more to be said. He then says, well, I guess that's the end of that conversation. Christ almighty. And continues to do his thing in the kitchen around me. Holy fucking shit.

This also isn't a one-time thing per employee. He has done this to me and others multiple times. This is, this is monstrous. What should I and the rest of my office do when confronted with this awkward character that's from anxious in the big apple? Oh my god. We've been in the game long enough that I worry now people don't even want help. They just want like us to take a little of the load.

They're just trying to take a couple of the packs that they have and sling them onto our backs, just a little help on the road. We've, our rind has been toughened by doing this podcast. So I think we can, we can haul a little bit more than the average bear, but good Lord, this person's a literal demon, an absolute demon. It's just so, it's, all right, what can we do? What I think you should do is they walk up and they say, hey, how's your day going?

And you say, well, I guess that's the end of that conversation. And you walk away because they can't do it. What if you just skip the middle and you say, well, thank you for asking. And then you walk away. Because that acknowledges like, hey, I appreciate you, which is probably exactly what they want to feel. But you don't have to say anything more than that or say, you know what, that's not what matters.

So what matters here is how are you? Jessica, I'd like to role play this out with you. Happily, yeah, for sure. You say to me, I have an idea. You say to me, how are you? Okay. This is as far as the script goes? No, that's what you say.

And then I have a response. We're going to see how it works. What do I do? What can I be? Can Griffin, Griffin, you be Jim in the back. Jim Halper, make us a coffee. How about Griffin has just made a delivery and he's saying his goodbyes to everyone and then he'll see us again soon.

And then our scene will commence directly after Griffin's goodbyes. Oh, I like that. And where do we work? Can we get a suggestion from the audience? Staples, staples. I heard staples. Okay. Staples corporate.

All right. Okay. Oh, I got a delivery here for the rest of the staples. And go ahead and sign here for me. That is a nice place you all have here. Oh, thank you. Can you mind if I use your toilet? We don't have one.

Huh? We don't have one. Well, I see you got a big open elevator shaft over there. Do you mind if I sort of figure it out in there? Yeah, go for it. Jeffery said we don't have a toilet. Does that mean we don't have a toilet? Are you saying my friend Dellup is a liar?

No, yeah. No, I believe you. I'm just going to use the big elevator shaft. Go piss in the elevator shaft. That's what we all do. Oh, it's not. No, it's the other one. You can do that in the elevator shaft too.

Hey, I have a question before you go. Yeah. If you are a hot dog. Yeah, great. Okay. Yeah, I haven't heard anything like this before in my life. So go ahead and keep talking. Like, I don't know if it's a reference to something.

I don't know what it is. So I just assume you're having a conversation with me because I don't know it. Just a quick time out for people at home. This is going exactly how I thought it would play out the scenario. So I hope someone's taking notes. Okay, go.

Time in. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I don't have a TV or anything. So I miss a lot of references. So I just assume right now you're telling me that you're a big hot dog enthusiast. So go ahead and keep going. Would you eat yourselves? Oh, that's a hell of a question.

Yeah, it's a good question. I've never heard that either. Probably not because I recently ate Old Fourth of July hot dogs. I'm pretty sure I have food poisoning right now. We've all been there. Hence the sort of elevator shaft panic. So that's a no. When I play a character a lot of times.

Oh, wait. Hold on. Is this a timeout? No, this is another timeout. Okay. Timeout, timeout. When I play a character, I guess it just kind of accidentally sounded a little bit like Will Ferrell's impression of Harry Carey.

Oh, is that what it was? And then I just kind of want to do a bit from that. Okay. No, I got that. I definitely got that. It's just that Avery, my character, didn't know that. Okay, well, let's kill it. Here's the weird thing.

My character, Delup, did get it, but me, Travis, didn't. Can we get back into the scene? Yeah, let's get back in. All right. Have you left yet, Griffin? I guess so. Are you really that tired of the Avery? Timeout, timeout, timeout, timeout.

Do you want Avery to leave? No, I actually think Avery is bringing a lot to the scene, but I feel like the tone of Avery's exit has to match the rising tone of our scene. And maybe Avery can always re-enter, Griffin. I mean, we found that test audiences really enjoy Avery, so we're willing to make it kind of the Urkel character of the whole thing. Yeah, okay. Time in.

Later, suckers. I'm crotch chopping. So how are you? I know, right? Ding. Duh. The elevator got the doors open. No car, sure enough.

This thing is empty as hell. Well, here I go. Can I get a spotter? I'm just, or did somebody have a belt? I can use to kind of tie myself to this guardrail because I'm really, oh no. We find out in episode two that he survived because he landed on the pile of shit from previous times people had used it. It's a real Shawshank situation.

Let's end this fucking show. Thank you so much for listening to my brother and my brother and me. We hope you have enjoyed yourself half as much as we have. We are going to be headed out on the road for a book tour this week as you're, this week is the crow flies as you're listening to this. Most of those are sold out, but I think we do have some tickets available for the Cincinnati show that's going to be on Wednesday, the 18th at the Taft. You can get tickets to that at macroshows.com forward slash tours as well as our show in Orlando

and Atlanta on August 31st and September 1st respectively. So go get tickets to those and we hope to see you there. I just want to say real quick because this is the episode, yeah, the week of it. So, Sandy or Comic Con is this weekend. We do the Adventure Zone thing Friday night and then Saturday. I am doing autographing with dad and Carrie Peach who is the artist on the Adventure Zone graphic novel from 11 to noon at table AA 19. It is ticketed.

Tickets are free, I believe, but it is a limited number of tickets for that. I'm also doing one with the cast of maximum funds bubble, which I am a member of one to 145 at table AA 08. Once again, that is ticketed. And then from two to three, we're doing a panel, the Adventure Zone graphic novel of me, dad and Carrie Peach, moderated by Jackie Jennings, who was one of the story producers on the My Brother, My Brother, Me TV show. Oh, hell yeah.

Location is 28 DE, so that's all 28 DE. And then five to six on Saturday. I'm doing a panel with maximum funds bubble. And the location for that is Neil Morgan Auditorium, San Diego Central Library. One more Sunday, 10 a.m. to 11 a.m., how to be a nerd for a living panel, breaking into careers in geek culture. And that's location Grand 1 and 2, Marriott Marquis, San Diego Marina. So come to those.

And you might also probably just like see me around. Yeah, but not us, because we're fucking out of there. We're taking off, we're scooting. I might not make it to next week, actually, depending on how the next couple of days goes. Because of the hot dogs. Yeah. So thanks to Maximum Fun for having us on the network, though. You can go to maximumfund.org and check out all the great shows,

shows like Stop Podcasting Yourself, and The Flop House, and Story Break, and Switchblade Sisters, all on Maximum Fun. And you can check out other stuff we do at McRoyShows.com. And thanks to John Rodgerick in the long winters for the use of our theme song, it's a departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed. And is there anything else? McRoyMerch.com. Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Anything else? No, that's it. Here's one that's sent in by Jordan Branden. So our final Yahoo of the day is asked by Yahoo Answers user. Sorry, something has gone wrong. So I'm going to call them Amazon. Asks. I mean, there's an Amazon ad and there's a Discover card ad.

But I'll say you did great. No. Amazon asks, what is the name Todd short for? My name is Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. This has been my brother and my brother. May kiss your dad square on the lips.

Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hi, I'm Paula Poundstone. And I'm Adam Felber. Adam, I haven't gotten one thing done today. Well, let me see your to-do list.

Ah, yeah. Well, here, make 30 second promo for nobody listens to Paula Poundstone. So at least you're getting that done. Score. Except you haven't said what the show is about. We're like a comedy field guide to life starring me and you. I give useful advice and we have real experts to talk about things like how to keep a friend or what to do when you encounter a bear.

Believe for you, but you haven't said where people can find the show. Maximumfun.org or wherever you find your podcasts.