My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 439: Face 2 Face: Candlenights 2018

Episode Date: December 27, 2018

It’s that time of year again. The snow is falling, the candles are a-blazing, and the curse words have been banished to the Darkness Realm, from which no sound or profanity may escape. Dig up the Yule Stump from your front yard, and throw your gifts heavenward for the Star King. Candlenights is officially upon us.

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? We can go ahead and take out those house lights now. Yes, there they go. They're too attractive. It's like they were never there. Still very much up these house lights are. Oh, no. If anyone has a sling shot, if everybody has a sling shot, just take them out. I can see everybody way too well. All right, it's fine. I can't believe we're firing Paul.

Dang. Candy candle nights. Dang, I'm gonna miss Paul. Dang. Hey, happy candle nights to y'all. Joyous, joyous candle nights. You know what? I want to get a couple of thank yous out right up at the top. How about that? Sure. Like before we say the name of the podcast. There they go. Bye. Before we say the name of the podcast. Fine. Welcome, my brother, my brother, me and advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin. I'm your sweet baby brother in 30 under 30 media luminary Griffin McElroy. And I'm your middle is brother Travis McElroy. Thank you. Thank you. And I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I almost cursed. I almost cursed. Y'all, this is our non cuss show. No cuss is the last almost cuss backstage. It's been like we are

the keynote speakers at a cussing convention. I don't know why I hopefully we're just getting it out of our system. I say eight cusses just before I walk down there. I want to say very briefly, thank you first off to Ackinpucky, a design company here in Huntington West Virginia that has designed all of this. You also know Ackinpucky as the creators of this super desk. The super desk from my brother, my brother, me, the limited television event. What I would call a mini series. My brother, my brother, me mini series and also the they made the clown box. You can blame them for that. And if you look over here, I would like to say thank you to Safety Town for donating this actual Safety Town car. Also, thank you to Emily Cardamas, who is here in the audience.

She designed the posters for this evening. Emily, we can't bring the house lights up again. I'm sure you understand. But thank you so much for that. You can buy those in the lobby if you haven't already. And what are you guys going to miss the most about cussing over the next hour? I'm going to miss sometimes when we do like a yahoo question. Oh, yeah. They ask us a real ding-dong. Oh, yeah. And even that, how do we feel about ding-dong folks? I meant like a bell, like a dumb bell. I meant the word but also radical. What if I need to describe a huge butt? Yeah. And my normal words for size aren't getting it across. And I need to be super descriptive with the size of the butt. I feel like if you say it a third time, we're bordering on big

dress shirts. Sorry. Hey, as always, we're teetering on that edge. I have a toilet illness tonight, which is not much of a surprise to anybody. You might worry that you're going to get a subpar show and I would argue you're going to get the only show. Moments before I walked on the stage, this is not a lie. I did my dirty thing and I don't want to get too blue, but somebody went on the seat and I sat in a big wet mess and I want to cuss about that now. I'm still coming off fresh from this horrible event. I know this is our holiday special. I shouldn't have come. I only toilet once a day and I did it at home. Okay. At home? It takes 45 minutes. Justin? Yes? I didn't hear you deny the wet mess. I mean, there's a lot of perpetrators

here. It could have been any one of us. It could have been one of our children, Griffin. Yeah. Yeah, that would be wild. Hey, do you guys mind if we maybe, do you want to start with a yahoo this time? All right. This is a yahoo off the yahoo answer service. This one was sent in by Adrienne Cowles, who I believe is also here tonight after a half day long trek to get to Huntington, West Virginia. Thank you for all of your wonderful, wonderful gifts. I'm super curious. How many people here are from out of town? So all of them. Okay. Did any of our home town friends manage to get tickets? All right. Well done. So thank you, Adrienne. This one is an anonymous yahoo answers user. I'm going to call billion asks, is it better to smoke a cigarette or

vape during an open air Christmas Carol service? Huh? We shall, we shall stand at the back where most of the smokers gather. How big is this Carol service? Point number two, point, point number two, there will be lots of kids present. Huh? That last one is a sticky wicket because you don't want to smoke a, you know, that cigarette smog around the children because it's, you know, according to doctors, not good for them. But if they see you vaping, they're going to want to do that right now. No, they're going to try to steal your vape. Hey, oh man, let me get at that jewel real quick. I saw that, I saw that jewel in a fortnight dance. Hey, let me, let me, uh, let me fortnight at that jewel real quick, old man. I went a fortnight all over the place. Hey, hey,

you care if I fortnight real quick with that jewel? Step back. I'm going to fortnight. Hey, careful. I got a fortnight brewing in my tummy. Here's what you do. Here's what you do. You just pretend like, you know, oh, I can see my breath as you're ripping mad cotton. Oh, it's so cold in here. And they'll be like, they'll be like, Tyler, this is Fort Lauderdale. It's 63 degrees outside. Um, man, you got to do one of them though, huh? That's what it's called an addiction. I like that in this question, there is not an option of not going to be open air candle lights or caroling service or whatever. Like, well, I have to go, but I also have to be. There's a smokers section. That's what's wild to me. If I get a group of carolers coming to my,

what is it? Is this a state? Am I coming to them? Because if so, you're not carolers, you're just a choir doing a performance outdoors. But okay, um, I feel like if I'm seeing a group of, you know, people singing deck the halls at me and in the back, I see a bunch of, you know, army grandpas chief and chief in their, their vapes, their vapes. So what is the best vape flavor for a caroling service? Cigarette. I'm going to say pine. That's nice. What about frankincense? Pine, pine is one of those rare vape flavors that is better for the people around you than it is for the people putting it in their mouth. Those are great choices. What about snow? Oh, fresh. Chris, what about one? Just call, I'll make one called Santa Claus.

Yeah, baby Jesus. Yeah. And there it was. That was our exit ramp while we wait for just an unlocking iPad. I have questions from you, our beloved audience members. I'm going to read them right now. I did a bunch of gift shopping at half price books as I do every year. I got my seven year old nephew, two books of LEGO construction ideas and instructions. When I got home, I discovered one of the books has an inscription stating it was a gift for clay from his loving grand Pam in 2011. Is loving what now? Grand Pam in 2011. It is I grand Pam. It is written in large letters on the front page. Do I wrap the book as is knowing my nephew will understand the nature of used books? And that is the reason he is getting two books instead of just one. Or do I try to

do I try and hide the inscription somehow? Do I add a note saying something like, I guess clay didn't like this book too much. But I bet you will in an attempt to appeal to my nephew's sense of humor. That's from festive faux pas and four worth. Are you here? Oh, too bad. Four worth is pretty far from here. First of all, they make books that don't come with LEGOs that are just some ideas for things you can build with LEGOs. That is wild to me. Like, I don't know a building, maybe a car? Castle? Castle? I don't know. Kids like dinosaurs? You got a lot of green ones. Could you write after the word clay, the word achon? And now that's a collector's piece. Yes. You can sell that back to the bookstore for $25. Can you write over clay after clay, right, face?

Please change your ways. Love, Batman. Enjoy the grand pav. Don't get any LEGOs stuck inside of you and your gelatinous body. PS, commissioner board. Man, clay faces, you don't really think about clay face that often, do you? All the time. I'm going to make you, because I bet he gets dirty after a day of just existing. Clay face blorps around the city trying to cause crime, but then he gets home. How does he wash up? He's mud, but he's covered in cigarette butts. Clay face's favorite joke is after he hangs out with a bunch of criminals at the end of the night, he's like, well, I guess I'm going to go to sleep in a bed. That's a great joke, clay face. The audience loved it. I'm just kidding. I have to lay on the ground because I'm clay face. Like, what are his other options? Does

he maintain a solid form as he rests? I don't think so. Can you tear the page out? It's the, is it the cover? Front page, it's the front. Thank you for the call. He just said no. I mean, the first page is going to have a lot of important details. The publisher information, the IBS in numbers, is that it? It's close enough. It says the IBS number. I can say like, don't use Duplo blocks on this, but it's rich. Oh no. Put a quarter in the jar. We made it. 13 minutes. That go. Yeah. What do you got, Griff? What's going to recovery points tonight? What do they got? So that's just your credit card. Okay. And now I'm going to read the numbers out. Whatever they feel is fair. There's no numbers. Okay. What is this? All right.

It's a blockbuster gift card. That's my one. I cuss because I was angry at Travis for dumping on my joke. How about another Yahoo? Now I'm on point because I'm only 13 minutes in and I used mine. Charlotte sent this one in. Thank you, Charlotte. It's Yahoo answers user Dgirl who asks, how does Santa get away with having his elves put together and give away toys that are trademarked or patented by other entities? Yes. Additional details. Is he above the law? Geographically speaking, yes. I have seen a lot of movies where they arrest Santa. Yeah. It happens a lot. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, to the point now, if in real life I was a police officer and I arrested somebody and they're like, I'm Santa, I'd be like, oh, statistically. Yeah.

It's probably true. Yeah. Go on. So, I mean, like, walk it through there, right? Is he above the law? Santa shows up and police officer's house. He's got a bunch of licensed toys. And the officer's like, I gotta arrest you, Santa. And Santa's like, all right, let's go. Just kidding. I can be everywhere once and I'm immortal. And okay, let's go. Like, are you going to catch me if you can, Santa? Yeah. I don't think so. Is Santa invincible? No, sorry, I've seen the Santa Claus. He's not invincible. He's not invincible. If, if, if, if you arrest Santa and you put him in the back of the police car, can he, using Santa magic, escape the car through the exhaust pipe? Yes. If he chooses the exhaust pipe is the chimney of the car. Sometimes the police officer has a

lesson to learn about, I don't know, love or Christmas, magic or joy or whatever. So Santa could escape in any moment, but he's choosing not to. And instead, he maybe does like a rock musical number in the jail cell. That's good. I mean, Santa's got a guy, right? A wholesale guy, you know what I mean? Santa's real magic is he's got a toy guy. A box of stuff and falls off the truck. A few things fall off the truck. Santa. Or maybe the other side, maybe the wholesale people, maybe like Walmart has a contract with Santa. It's like, okay, Christmas, it's all yours to distribute. The other 11 months of the year though, please do send that to us to sell. We'll kick some back to you. Santa could probably be like,

I mean, I give it away. So it's technically fair use. And they'd say that's not fair. That's not how any of us work, Santa. Goodbye. I meant 30 houses away. Bye. Is it possible that Santa did make the Nintendo and the monster cards and battle boy and all the hot toys for this candle night season? Oh man, I got a battle boy. All right. He's the boy that will leap into the fray. He's the boy that's going to save the day. Everybody get out of the way. It's battle boy. Fun sticks, all the hot toys from 2018. Good wheels, you know. That doesn't explain why none of the toys are spelled right that you get from Santa. Oh, I got a Ben Tindo. It's like Jim Tindo 63. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Got to go.

When the copy of Golden Guy. I'm currently. Hey, no slop job when we're playing Golden Guy. It's not fair. Clappers only. Slop job probably isn't good to say it. We're definitely pushing a fountain here to live that one. Oh, no. I'm coming off as a real Howard Stern type of here. I'm currently sitting in a well known sandwich establishment. I have replaced your brother Justin with a droid. No, it's just a question. We're waiting for a call that my car inspection is finished when a man started to do a Christmas rock set at noon. Stop. What sandwich chain do they do live music at? I mean, it's well known when a subway with a stage in the corner probably a

subway with a stage in the corner. Currently he is facing me and I am the maybe potbelly. I'm sinking potbelly is pretty slick. When a man started to do Christmas rock set currently he is facing me and I am the only patron in the establishment. Brother, I blow it up from the inside. What is the protocol for being the only audience member? Should I clap solo between songs? I've taken one earbutt out and done some. That was your first mistake. Yeah, I've done some intermittent foot taps. But what should I do? Punny names are hard in Baltimore. Are you here? God bless you, wherever you are. Probably still trapped in that sandwich. I'm going to, I'm going to, I don't have a lot of rules for living. Here's my number one. If you see someone carrying an amp, finish your

sandwich. Especially if you look around and there's no one else in the room. Hold on, I think they might have been writing it down. I'll repeat. If you see someone carrying an amp, finish your sandwich. Unless. How did you, no, no. Unless. Unless. It's not, but fine. What if it's 2006 and the person with the guitar and amp is a young Jason Moran. Okay, no. Now you, you let yourself, you knew you were the only one in there. Yeah. You saw them carrying the amp and some part of you was like, let's see. Nice. I can't imagine where this is going. A little mid-lunch music. Another thing you pulled out on the ear by the way. Like, no. Both you monster. Oh, that's what you do. If they play a really good song you reach up and you take the other one

out like, okay. Now you've got me real man. Do you have a CD I can buy for $2? If they play a bad song, which this pot belly live music act almost certainly will, you pop the other one back in. You got to earn it. You're rapping bad. Maybe this is where you, hopefully you have this in your bag, but you pull out like a clipboard and a pen, they finish the song, you go, hmm, I like take notes and write them down. Okay. I'm gonna say, I think I've got everything I need. Oh God. That's good. I think I've seen enough. Can you pull your phone out? And I don't know what I'm gonna say here. So I'm really just kind of generating it as I fly, which is always fun. But like, do a FaceTime with someone. So you have

a buddy there for the performance. So you're not alone. Maybe it's your grade. I remember that new sound you've been looking for. Yeah. Listen to this. And then you set the phone down on the table and walk away. Now, bad news. You lost a phone. Worst news, you might have lost a friend, but you get to go home. Can you, could you say, could you kind of cover your mouth? You're like, whoever had the Honda pilot, your car's done. So you better come get it or we're gonna throw it away. So you better hurry up and get here. Or you just run away. You write that down on a note and hand it to the guitarist to read out loud to the crowd. Then it's more offensive. And then you go, wait, that's me. Oh, no, that's my Honda pilot. What if you just yell, I'm allergic to sandwich?

I forgot. And then you run out. I have to get to the hospital quick. That's probably the worst suggestion, Travis, that doesn't even make sense. How could you be allergic to a construction of food? What are we doing here? It's the holidays. You're right, Justin. Y'all any-a-hoo? Oh, yeah. Cool. This one was sent in by Graham Roebuck. Thank you, Graham. It's no, wait, they're not anonymous. The website has been a naughty list. Yeah, and it just ain't going to work. So I'm gonna call them, Draven's asks. I like the plural. What does it's more than one person sent in? The Draven's. What does Santa Claus and the Christmas people do on Easter? Okay. These chairs sure are moving in a wiggling, huh? I like it. I'm

getting the ab workout. Yeah, same. I imagine this is what sitting on a yoga ball is like. Y'all, we filmed a special limited television event in these chairs, and the rolling was a constant issue that we had to be sculling. That's why we keep our hands on the desk to play in 24 hours today. The thing about it that a lot of people don't know is that Santa and the elves are Jewish. That's why they work on Christmas. Okay. Okay. Fun. So they don't do anything on Easter, except probably work. Yeah, probably not. I don't know. Ask Dan answer. I don't know, Trev. Doesn't drag for you. If you think about it conceptually, when you think about the reason for the season, Easter is pretty much the opposite of Christmas, huh? In a lot of ways, if you think

about it, why we do the both of them, it's kind of opposite ends of a life. Okay. Oh, all right. So they probably resent it as much as the Easter people resent Christmas. Oh, I see. Maybe on Easter, Santa and the Christmas people celebrate Christmas, because that's their time to do it. That's when they observe it. That doesn't make any sense either, Travis. You're posting up a lot of dookies. How do we feel about dookies? I want to dig into the fact that Santa Claus is Jewish. Okay. In the scenario you have supposed, Santa Claus is an immortal Jewish man who when Jesus was born was like, I don't think this kid is anything special, and I'm going to throw him the greatest birthday party every year for the rest of my life. Yeah. Okay. Well, Jesus was

Jewish. Yes. So Santa was like, all right, let's do this. And then at a certain point, it veered away, and Santa was like, oh no, what about the reason for the season? My cool party. My cool party I'm doing. When Santa celebrates Christmas on Easter, Travis, the other foolish thing that you said. I'll turn to my left now. Is he waiting for him to come down the chimney? So you're supposing that at night Santa goes to sleep thinking, boy, I hope I bring me some cool stuff. He puts cookies out for himself and says, boy, I hope I like these. Justin. My mother loves Santa Claus. Yeah. Heck yeah. That's two. That's two. That's two. That's two. They can, they can say that one on friends. It's okay. My mother loves Santa Claus

much to the point where she has him decorated in her house all year round, not Christmas decorations all year, just Santa. Sure. That is an interesting distinction to make. I never, not Christmas decorations, just Santa. I never thought it was weird, but a friend of mine recently pointed out how weird it was to bold friend. When I asked my mother why she had so many, she just said she likes him. Is this weird or is my friend just being a jerk? That's from Cole for Christmas in Columbus. Are you here? The, the, because she likes him, the only other option response is like, huh, you're right. I do have a lot of Santa stuff. That is so weird. Hey, he's a cool guy. Yeah. Like, why can't we just celebrate this cool guy all year round? Yeah. No, no. Okay.

Because I'm thinking about it and that's unacceptable. Tell me why. Tell me how are you going to miss Santa Claus if he's always there? Yeah, it's just like how we only put up the American flag during the fourth of July season. When we think about being in America, that's an equivalent thing. Yes. And we only have pie at Thanksgiving. Flaggo, the American flag who comes to bring us pies on the fourth of July. Yes. I love Flaggo. He does great work. When he swoops in through the half open window with a pie taped to him. And some baseballs. And some baseballs that he gives to all the good patriotic children. Well, Farrell, but no baseballs for the liberals out there who. Thank you. Will Farrell and John C. Reilly have never brought me any gifts. But I keep my talli day and nights,

stepbrothers and homes and Watson posters up 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. Why? Because I'm a fan. I do like that you specified 24 hours a day as if there wasn't like five o'clock. Time to take him down. See you tomorrow. For real the clock. For the rest of John C. Reilly and Will Farrell for tomorrow. For real, though, whoever that friend is, I know that's the last option that you gave that they're a bad friend. That's the best friend you got. That's the best friend you got. A real good friend will tell you hard truths about yourself. Yeah. A real true good friend will tell you hard truths about your mom. That's tough stuff. 99 times out of 100. It goes very bad. Yeah. It's a brave friend.

So the question is there must have grown up in the house with Santa decorations, right? Sure. I have a Santa cookie jar that I realized this July was still there. And I don't know if you all are like me, but I looked at it and I was like, well, you're there until Christmas is more fair because you have missed your train. You get one trip out to the garage when you get put away. You have missed it. You get comfortable, little man. You're going to check out a little holiday I like to call Halloween. This is actually why I really like okay, I have a good movie for you. You kidnapped Santa Claus and you bring him to Halloween and just watch him lose his mind. It's called the nightmare before Christmas. No, no, no, no,

listen, hear me out. Okay. So there's this skeleton man. I've got a Yahoo here. I'm just dying to read to me. Was that you? I wasn't looking. It didn't sound like you. That was, I put on the mask for a second. You weren't looking. This Yahoo was sent in by Brittany. Thank you, Brittany. It's from, do I say that name weird? Brittany. Is it two syllables? Are you on pot? All right. That's the right phrasing, right? Are you on pot? Are you on Fortnite right now? Are you Griffin? Are you taking Fortnite? I rubbed some Fortnite on my gums before I, this one is asked by Yahoo Answers user, be not nobody who asks what are some good Christmas gifts to put in a red and black

mafia slash dragon living room? Good. Good. Hi. Hi. Hello. Welcome to our podcast. It's hi. Hi, period. Hi. Hi. I'm trying to do some Christmas shopping for my boyfriend who is 26 years old. He loves Scarface and the Goodfellas. You pretty much said that in the subject of the question. He also loves dragons and weapons. I'm looking for some ideas to make Christmas gifts for him to put in the living room. Maybe you have some ideas. He loves fancy things. Also, if you know of any online shops where I can find fancy gifts for a guy, that would be awesome. So you really don't know where to get anything. If you just go to Google and type bad person, like on the first hundred results are going to be gifts. Here's what you do. Yep. You photoshop

this boyfriend, a like Scarface poster. Yeah. Except instead of Tony Montana, it's a dragon. Oh, I thought you were going to say the boyfriend, but that's even better. No, you got to come back. Listen, anyone can get Mafia or Dragon presents. I want Dragon Mafia presents. Tony Montana out of it. Just put in one big long sword and now it's sword face. The world is swords is the subtitle. Maybe there's just a dragon leaning in the background wave. Yeah. Can we, we can photoshop Mushu from Mulan in there also. Maybe just get him a bunch of Pete's dragon merch. Yeah. Is that the kind of dragons he's into? Hey, it's me, a dragon. Can you know how he is? You know how Pete's dragon does. Elliot, is that his name? Yeah. All right. His name is

Pete. No, Pete is the monster. Pete is the monster. Okay. Here's the deal. I already bought this guy Nunchucks. Why are you reading the question? They should be arriving soon. Sorry. Are the Nunchucks made out of cocaine? Yes. And they're painted like candy canes. So it's festive. End of jokes. That's it. That's all the jokes we have for this evening. That's how we always come back from the live show breaks. Like you can't even like generate even like a unique idea. Like I know it's a holiday, but like you can't even do a unique idea. I gotta do it. Hold on. All right. Make some art. Okay. Your broadcast has been intercepted by Moneytron. Oh, yeah. I am a cybernetic

co-organic cybernetic organism. Yes. Criborg. Criborg. Yeah, sci-fi. People love it. People love this stuff. The planet of Moneytron is now in possession of this broadcast to bring you sponsored content. My name is Dollarborg and I podcast have to put ads inside the rest of them. Yes. Is that while you flesh organisms were distracted by celebrating your saviour, we have taken possession of your beloved podcast to tell you about bowl and branch. Your flesh shells require weakness and rest where our metal silicone bodies require them. When you are indulging in your weakness, we work. We toil. We plot your overthrow. Dollarborg's skin is melted down. Penny's forged into a copper carapace. It does not require rest. Make the last of your earth

before we conquer your planet. Count with bowl and branch. They have taken your cotton, your precious natural resources, which you shred through so carelessly. While we watch in delight, they have taken 100% of your cotton. It says here 100% of your organic cotton has been taken by bowl and branch to create the finest sleeping experience possible. Some of some of my favorite money rags, which is what Dollarborg calls business magazines love this stuff for best. The Well Street Journal and Fiest Company. I am new to your earth tongue. While they should have been covering your inevitable decline and our incredible triumphant rise, they wrote about sheets. Yeah, so anyway, shipping is free and you can try them for 30 nights. And if you don't love them,

you can send them back for a refund and receive back the sweet nutrients of cash. You do not want to send them back for one, they are excellent for two. That would be a terrible squandering of your precious last few moments before Money Tron conquers your pitiful planet. To get started right now, our listeners can get breakfast off your first set of sheets, by which I mean $50 off your first set of sheets. $50 is breakfast on Money Tron. Go to bowlandbranch.com promo code my brother all one word to get $50 again breakfast off your first set of sheets it's B-O-L-L and branch.com promo code my brother one last time please. On Money Tron, we know how to spell everything. Nothing must be spelled for us,

which is why you shall fall. But please allow me to indulge you B-O-L-L and do you need that one? If you're looking for a new comedy podcast, why not try The Beef and Dairy Network. It won Best Comedy at the British Podcast Awards in 2017 and 2018. Also, I love it. There were no horses in this country until the mid to late 60s. Specialist Bovine Arsvet. Both of his eyes are squid's eyes. Yogurt. Buffet. She was married to a bacon farmer who saved her life. Farm raised snow leopard. Downloaded today, that's The Beef and Dairy Network podcast from Maximumfun.org. Also, maybe start at episode one or weirdly, episode 36, which for some reason requires no knowledge of

the rest of the show. Griffin, do you have any more yahoo's you want to get to? Griffin, yahoo me baby. I don't want to bring the show down, but I've got a really deathly serious yahoo here to read and it's a special one for how sad and important it is. Is it serious? I'm all ears. It was sent in by... The crow. The crow. Thank you. Thanks to the crow. All right, so it's sent in by the crow. Thank you to the real the crow. So, for it. He's here with us tonight as he always is looking out for us.

And it's asked by... Sick. Man. Who asks? Who was he asked? He says, gosh. Being sick all the time. Is sure bad. Also, because this is yahoo answers, can dogs see wi-fi? I gotta bring everybody's spirits up after that sad one. We don't usually do bummers like that, but I see why that needed to be addressed.

This is a haunted doll watch. This one just came in. This one's festive, so I thought y'all would appreciate it. It's an 18 inch porcelain, haunted doll, Christmas stocking, paranormal, vessel, voices, and kinetic. And it's from awesomest finds. And you can place a bid right now. Yeah. Usually the way these live shows go, it'll be gone by the time Justin's finished. There's already somebody frantically googling. You can place a bid right now. I'll give everyone in the audience a look. I don't know how much you can see. Probably only a few rows back, but it's pretty...

Let me peep that. Show Griffith. It's screaming. That's just a big stocking with a porcelain head on it. It's screaming. That's what it looks like. It's old-timey. It's pretty creepy. So here is the description. It's pre-owned. Yeah. It's a new fresh out of the oven spirit vessel.

From 2018 that we made pre-owned, but in an excellent condition. If you want a unique Christmas stocking. Oh, thank you. Well, here it is. You know what? These are usually full of false advertising. I'll give you that one. Yeah. Here it is. But be warned and read further.

Materials, porcelain and polyester. Good for any allergies out there. I want to get those cleared up right away. 18 inch porcelain doll, Christmas stocking spirit vessel. It has an asterisk here and it says, this doll is a head and two arms only. The bottom half of the body is a Christmas stocking. See all photos carefully. This Christmas stocking is not only unique for the upper half being a porcelain doll.

Yeah. Oh, you need more than that to set this fine stocking apart? That half of it is a doll? There is something beyond our physical world that, okay, of course, that has become attached to it. It was in one of the boxes that I inherited from my grandmother. It was with her collection of spirit vessels along with other items. It is what?

Was your grandmother the bad kid from Toy Story? It has been six months since I discovered it until this very night. I was convinced that it was just a mirror and intimate object. But then what happened? Well, I'll tell you, Travis, I segregate all of my new or suspected spirit vessels. Okay. Huh.

Well, you don't want to get cross spirits, I guess. I do not keep them in one area in case I need to pinpoint the source of any paranormal activity. In groups, they can be quite troublesome, especially when they consist of ephels. I have had this Christmas stocking hanging on the wall near my Christmas tree, which seems inadvisable. That's me. Uh, only three hours ago, I heard someone in my living room. I live alone.

Oh, that was- What? Griffin, don't be mean. Upon investigating, I noticed that my tree had been knocked over and that most of my glass ornaments had been destroyed. So anyway, folks, that person lives alone. Have a great night. Imagine the rest of that hanging down.

Maybe the doll stocking is haunted by Marma Duke. She knew it was the doll when she lived there when the doll was going. It says, um, as I was cleaning up the mess alone by myself, while I sung, I'll be home for Christmas to myself between sobs. Wow, this is really in depth. I kept hearing something brushing against the wall near my head. It was the stocking. Yeah.

That's what I assumed. It was swinging back and forth on the- Uh-oh. It was swinging back and forth on the crude nail I had used to hang it. What? What? And you know what? That's on me.

I had fashioned a nail. I had fashioned a nail from some loose metal. The crude nail I had used to hang it. The nail is also haunted. I pride it out of a Dracula coffin. When I reached to grab the stocking, I heard a whisper in my ear, just over my left shoulder. It said, don't do that again.

In a threatening yet calm child's voice. Okay, that's four different internations that I don't think you can do at the same time. I tried to give it justice. Either something was dormant in this vessel and just would not awaken for the last six months. Or it could be the spirit from the vessel I had accidentally dropped on its head the other night. Oh my! What a twist!

So your saver goes, it's like, I'm out. You know what? Never mind. This sucks. And this sucks. I'm going to go chill in that holiday footwear with a head and arms. Uh, when it said, don't do that again. Do what?

Drop the thing on its head, Travis. Keep up. Yeah, I'm hoping I didn't anger the spirit. It was an accident. It was a harlequin that I had a lot of evil activity from. I accidentally dropped her right on her head and the head shattered like an egg. Or I would argue like the head of a porcelain doll. Yeah, that also works.

For a split second, it appeared that as soon as the head popped on the floor, I saw a white flash of light shoot into the other room. My living room where this stocking was hanging, either way, I don't appreciate, negotiate, reconcile, or mediate with negative entities. Hey everybody, this next year, I hope we can all take a page out of this playbook. We are no longer going to appreciate, negotiate, reconcile, or mediate with negative entities. If we can figure out a way to make that rhyme with 2019, I think we've got our. This porcelain doll should only go to the proper caretakers.

One who dabbles in demonology. Okay, so this thing is not a normal spirit. It decides to smash more than a Christmas tree the next time it wants to speak. Or at least someone who contacts spirits to reconcile their problems. Now this, like, remind me, this ad started with, if you would like an interesting stocking, let me know. Here's a fun stocking for kids anyway. So that's a, that is this week's Haunted Doll Watch.

Yeah, no, let's do, let's do some audience questions. We do audience questions. Can we warn Santa about this evil stocking first? Yeah, we should get Santa note or something. So the way we do questions now, please don't stand up or raise your hands or anything like that. If we can go ahead and get house sides up, we asked you all to send in your questions or rather a brief description of the question you'd like to ask ahead of time. And I have some names and seat numbers here that I'm going to call down.

Can you lower us? Just a skosh? Just a skosh. We have a microphone there and is there one in that aisle also? It's romantic. Yes, okay. So there's one there, one there. Let's get Annabelle C-8-2 to come down and Rowan Rezzi, Rowan Rezzi, Row 17 seat one.

Rowan also come down. Hello. Can everybody see us okay that they drop the lights? Is this weird for you all? Maybe bring the lights up just a little bit more on us. I don't want to. Okay. Now Pan left.

Now Pan left the lights. Hi. Hello. Hi, my name is Annabelle. Hi Annabelle. Hi Annabelle. So my friend Jackie and I, we met at work. We're staying at an Airbnb this weekend and I cooked sausage and sausage gravy and biscuits this morning.

Cool, cool. And I started. Was it good? Come on. Annabelle. Sorry children. That's the worst one there is. You're covered, you're covered.

Paul died. Paul donated your $20. Thank you Paul. Thank you Paul. So Annabelle, go on. It was very good. It was really good. And I started a small grease fire in the kitchen of the Airbnb that we're staying at.

All right. Do I have to tell the host that I started a grease fire? It didn't damage anything. Now that makes me think that it did. It did damage something. It did damage something. The way that you said that makes me think that it did damage something. Annabelle, can you tell us without barfing your nasty profanity all over the place?

Just opening up that potty mouth and letting a bunch of dookie words spill out. Can you tell us if it did destroy anything? And there's children present so. And the Lord. We haven't gotten the stains off the glass top stove yet. But there it is. We're proud of you. Sure.

The easiest to replace thing. No, you can get the stains off. Yeah. Try baking soda on top of it with a little bit of vinegar. And then if you get a scraper, get grit there and let it set in for a little bit. And abrasive. Yeah, and abrasive, exactly. But not go with something like a flat because you don't want to scratch the surface.

If you have a flat edge, it's going to do much better for you. I can't imagine. I've stayed in quite a few Airbnbs in my time. I can't imagine actually cooking a mule in one of them because. That's terrifying to me. None of the stuff is where I would want it to be. And also there's a small chance I might create a grease fire that would destroy the entire building. A chance that has increased having heard this exact lecture.

There are always saucepans and there are never frying pans. How cool is the and you can tell with Airbnb based on like what the like precautions are that they list on the website. Like if I see one toddler footprint, how cool is the landlord? Do you think she stopped by and she was so not cool at all then? That's the worst thing an Airbnb owner can do to you. 100 percent. She stopped by and and she was fairly cool.

But the way you said that makes me think she was. I don't care if she tried to sell you weed. If she stopped by to just poke her snoot in to see if there were any grease active grease fires in her house and see if you're going to be cooking with any grease later. It's fine if you do. I'm totally cool. If it's didn't destroy anything, I think you're good. It's not like she's going to know.

Psychically, there was fire here. When the grease fire started, how long did you stand there going? Well, here we are. It's not my house because that's what I would have done. Travis so cool. The cool arson. And Travis is staying at my house this week. So that's cool to hear too.

What do you think you're going to do after you do or do not take our advice on this? A real a real good scrubbing on that boy with an abrasive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're going to lie. You're not going to tell me. Good choice. Well done. Excellent.

Does that help Annabelle? Thank you so much. Thank you. It's my pleasure. Let's get Connor row 11 seat one. Connor. Go ahead and come on down to this microphone here and Rowan. Yes.

Hi, Rowan. All right. So about two years ago for Christmas, I got myself figure skating lessons. Cool, cool. And in that time, I have improved significantly. How long ago did you get these lessons? About two years ago. Was there a certain piece of media?

That had come out around that time. Listen. Yes. You're my hero. That's awesome. I'm also glad to hear that you took lessons and improved. That's the way that's supposed to go. That's very good.

Okay. Sorry to interrupt. I was just deeply curious. Anyway, the point is that while I have gotten better, I am not what you would call good. And during almost the entire two years since I started skating, there's this other skater at the rink that kind of makes fun of me and bullies me about my skills. Like a bigger kid. There's a twist.

There's a twist. Yeah. The problem is that he is about eight years old. How good is the eight-year-old? Much better than me. That's a problem with kids is that they can learn skills so much better than we can. Yeah, they're good at learning. That's the one thing they have on their side.

So what's your, what are you looking for here? Well, I'd like to... You want Jeff Jalouli's phone number? Take him out. Obviously, I can't fight a child. Can't fight a child? That's right. That was a test.

And you passed. I don't know, Jeff Jalouli. Nice try. Sure. You can't fight a child. But what if we find another child to fight that child? Say you find three adult brothers that love fighting kids. Say it makes them feel like big men.

Big, tough dudes that have a podcast. And it's the slur brothers. The three slur brothers? The three slur brothers. Okay, sorry. What do you want to do to this kid? You want to punish the child? You want to punish the child.

No, you should reward this child, Rowan. Okay. Let me tell you why. What this child has done is giving you something to chase. Right now, if you don't have that rival, you have nothing to shoot for. But now you're like, I have to get good enough to beat this eight-year-old in some kind of ice skating meet. I don't know what it's called in the lingo.

An ice skating match, perhaps. And you need to skate rings around this kid literally, because that's a thing you do in ice skating. It's not going to have so much more time and brain energy to spend getting good at it. If the eight-year-old trains at the same rate as you, they'll just always kind of be better, because that's what kids do. Then you need to get that kid like a Nintendo DS or something. There it is.

So you're like, hey, thank you for everything. You don't need Jeff Jaloo. You need Yu-Gi-Oh. So I should use my adult money to buy this child a Nintendo Switch and then surpass him. Yes. Yes. See your thinking. I'm going to take the Switch back.

Your bigger body than them is, can it do tricks on the ice? And I think they're called tricks that... Stunts or tricks. Moves and maneuvers. That they can't possibly do because of their smaller frame? Like reach high things on shelves as you skate. Maybe build a whole routine around shelves. When you do the...

Or driving. When you do the hurdles during your ice dressage. Do you have a move where you rent a car? Where you pay your taxes? Where you think about how you're going to die? I don't know. That's a move. I picked that.

Just going around the rink with his arms straight down. Looking into the middle distance for two minutes while mad world plays. Does that help? Yes, that helps. Imagine my relief. Don't lie to us. Thank you. Yeah, let's get one more in the wings.

Liam, section B row 16, seat five. Go ahead and come down to that microphone. Hey, Conor, I presume. Yeah, that's correct. Can you get right up on that microphone, Conor? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't be scared. So you can tilt it up towards you if you want.

Sick. Cool. Nice. Nice. What is your question? So I actually sent in two. I didn't know which one. It's the one that I might be particularly interested in because of the...

Yes. Okay, yeah. So every year during Christmas Eve, it's the only time we go to church. Sure. And... So you're 90% of people? Yeah. So like, you know, I love the big man upstairs and everything.

But not enough to go the other week. Okay. Love his stuff. But it's like the same thing every year. And I've gotten really, really into like... They're not really adding new stuff to Christmas, huh? This year we found a new chapter. You'll never believe this.

Well, I've written a little fanfiction I'd like to read. So like, I want to play Pokemon while I'm there. Of course. Yeah. Can you say that again because people were laughing. It's really the crux of the question, Connor. I want to play Pokemon while I'm there at church. I can't stop, you know, to go to church.

So I was wondering like if there are any like cool ways I could sneak it without like, you know, God or my pastor seeing. You've come to the right place. This is not a joke. This is not a joke. It was during the Easter pageant at our church, HBC. You can swing by if you want.

They shut down and sold all the pews. That I caught Kangaskhan. Thus completing the 150 original Pokemon in Pokemon Red and Blue at church. Also not a joke. Said a short thank you prayer for the good fortune. He's a hard Pokemon to catch. It's in the safari zone. You basically have to throw a ball and hope for the best.

Did you catch it? Were you wait, were you in the show or were you watching the show? I was in the show. It was your plan. How old were you? I was 13 or so. And I don't know a shepherd or something. I wasn't Jesus in this one.

Here's what you do. You get a Bible. And then you get an exacter knife. And then you're going to cut out all the boring parts. Wink. And then you're going to put the DS inside of the Bible. What iteration of Pokemon are we talking about? The new switch?

No, no, no. It's a 3DS. Okay. And what version of the Bible do you have? You're going to need a big one. You're going to need a KGAV, NIV is not going to cut it. You're going to handle it with the ones they hand out on street corners? Yeah, not going to cut out.

No, no, no. You're going to go. It's the teen version. Yes. That might already come with it, actually. Yeah. That's what it is. You know, here's what you do.

When you try to hide it and people see you doing it, they're like, oh, he's thinking it. Here's what you do. You like hold it up. And then when people see you, they're like, well, it must be okay. He's not, maybe, hmm, Connor knows something I don't. I'm pretty soon. Everyone's catching them all.

Connor, hide the screen from everyone. Play it to your heart's content. When someone gives you a dirty look, say, yeah, I got the Bible on here. That's right. These things, you may want to look into it, Mabel, because they got the Bible on them. And then you hold it up and you've written across the back, the Bible on you. That's good.

And they're like, oh, okay. Custom skin for your 3DS. I mean, the only people who are going to catch you while they're praying are other people breaking the rules. I think you just got to make sure you got that volume turned down because it can't be like happy birthday. Jesus, thank you for it. Does that help?

Yeah, definitely. Excellent. Thank you. Thank you. Did Liam, Liam? Hello. Hi, hi, hi. Hi.

Okay. So I work as a personal nanny out of someone's house. Okay. It's a very old house and the grandparent of the Sweet Baby Child named Henry is Good name. Currently, very good name, is currently working to paint the outside of the house. Problem, he is an old man with bad hearing and he sometimes doesn't notice when I'm playing in the living room and he will use the bathroom with the door wide open.

You know. I don't know how to comfortably ask him to release all of himself with the door closed. Okay. I was waiting for the end of that sentence. I thought you were going to say, I could tell because the door's open. He wasn't getting the job done. So I wanted him to feel comfortable. Might as well suggest he comes tomorrow or the next time you work.

And what's that? Oh, the house has already been painted by you. By you tonight. And that way you didn't have to ever address any of this. Yeah, that's a good, that's going to be an important sort of element in all of our answers is you not having to directly address this, which I imagine is a relief to you. And I'll be honest, the sentence you sent in was how do I get Henry's grandpa to stop paying with the door open?

And I thought you were talking about my dad. Is that a problem you also have? We might have misread that one. So I'm playing at a disadvantage now because I'm hugely disappointed. Yeah, I mean, you could get one of those like a sliding door at a grocery store, but steal it from them and put it on the bathroom, I guess. Not a lot of funny things to say. Maybe just a sign on the door that says other people are here.

Other people still exist. It's an occupied vacant like switch, but it's on the front door of the house. Could be good. Could you quit? Hey, could you quit? I could use a nanny. You can work at my house. No, the Johnson's house is all doors.

Yeah. And no P. Sure. Sounds great. I go to Subway. Like a man. Are you going to buy a sandwich today? Mr. McGoing, still thinking about it?

Give me a minute. Do you have that special bread? Have you guessed the kind of bread I like? Like pea rumpel still skinned? You must solve my bread riddle. Oh my sandwich. Hey, after he's done, you just yell noise. Because I bet it'll take one or two of those before he gets the message.

Yeah, you got to think that the grandpa, if he knew, would also not be stoked about this arrangement. Right. Does he listen to the show? Because maybe- I think just- Hey, Henry's grandpa. Henry's grandpa, it's me. Hoops.

There's your favorite. There's two stalls at Subway, my man. See you there. See you there. Come on down. Does that answer your question? Thank you. That's a little non-committal.

Okay, so that's our candlelight spectacular for the year. Seriously, thank you so much to come in, honey. That is so sweet of you. Yeah, we hope you all had a good time in our fair city. We love this city very much. We're very proud to shoot our TV show here. Hopefully you saw some of the landmarks from the TV show. Beloved West Virginia band, Ona, which is a very good band,

is going to be playing at the V-Club at 1030 after our show. It's two blocks that way. Two blocks that way up on 8th Street. It should be fun. You should go check them out. We will not be able to hang out. We will not be there. Because we have a thousand children and we're very old.

It's true. Thank you to Paul Saboren, American Hero. If you haven't listened to Paul and Storm, go to PaulandStorm.com. You have, though. They were in the Christmas, the candlelight bands we played at the top of the show. We also want to say thank you to Stillbuffering, to Stallbones, and to Schmanners. Schmanners was great. Great show.

Thank you to our daddy for playing us on. Thank you to... The Smurls. The Smurls. Thank you. Thank you to everybody who contributed to the Mbem-Bem Angels initiative. Yes. It is still the most humbling, coolest thing every year that you all,

most of whom don't live in the city, think to do something very nice for people who do live in the city. It means the world to us. So thank you all if you contributed to that. Thank you to Riley Smurl and the Smurls for spearheading the candlelight stars. Yes. That you see here at the front of the stage. By the way, the Mbem-Bem Angels, I just want to say that they claimed 100 stockings and

raised $15,000 in donations. They're buying 15 beds, a bunch of appliances, clothes, winter gear, and toys for 30 more children who weren't even on the original list. So they are... Wow. Dang it. And you by coming have helped us raise thousands upon thousands of dollars from recovery point, which is treating opiate addiction here in our area.

So thank you so much from the bottom of our hearts. And thank you to John Rodgerick and the Long Winters for their theme song. Instead of partying off the album, putting the days to bed. Very good album. And... Oh, I also want to say a thing you do on Amanda, who you may have seen down in the lobby, who does a lot of work with us. And she's quite amazing.

And she's helped us out. Yeah, so amazing. By a poster by Emily, she is great too. Emily, is it Corrupted Jim on Twitter? Yeah. Yeah. Hi. Hi, Emily.

I think that's right. Okay. Yeah. Here's the final yahoo. It was sent in by Zed. Thank you, Zed. It's asked by Yahoo Answers user. I think I'm going to get a name to load on this.

Nope. Terry asks, is the Happy Honda Day's promotion part of the war on Christmas? Why do you use Justin Macleod? Travis McAvoy. I'm Griffin McAvoy. This has been my brother, my brother, my brother, me. Kids, your dad's squaring up the lips.

Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hey, gang. This is Jesse. And I am joined by Bikram, the managing director of Maximumfun. Hi, everyone.

So we have some really amazing news to close out 2018. After this spring's pledge drive, we gave members the chance to buy enamel pins with the full profits of those sales going to the National Immigration Law Center. This is a tough time to be an immigrant in the United States. As individuals, as a company, and as a community, we wanted to help provide resources for immigrants in the face of these attacks. We're proud to live in a nation of immigrants, and many of us here at Maxfun are immigrants or the children of immigrants ourselves.

Together, we raised over $100,000. NILC will put that money to good use, providing legal representation to immigrants and their families who wouldn't otherwise be able to afford it. We are so proud of our community for making such an immense difference in so many lives. And whether you bought pins or not, you can help the NILC advocate for immigrants right now. All you have to do is go to Maximumfun.org slash N-I-L-C. That's Maximumfun.org slash N-I-L-C. Our thanks go to all of you who made this possible.

Great work, everybody, and happy holidays from all of us at Maxfun.