My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 441: In a New York Whoopsie

Episode Date: January 7, 2019

We’re looking for every opportunity we can to Become the Monster (TM, TM, TM) which informs a lot of this episode. Namely? We’re tired of the super “hero” known as Wolverine always trying to murder our dad, and boy, we’re feeling brave enough to give him a piece of our mind. Suggested talking points: Our Coworker Wolverine, Christmas in August, Janine’s Big Pockets, Tebow’s Fresh Start, Crash Etiquette, Origami Mistake

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother, and me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. It's an interesting energy, Justin. Yeah, it's weird. I'm a sweet baby brother, 30 under 30 media luminary Griffin McElroy. I don't know if y'all saw the news.

I know y'all did on the call, but y'all who are listening to the episode, y'all popper. We're going to be writing a book, a comic book, five issues in one. I prefer a funny book. There's different classifications. There's comics and graphic novels, and my art is funny books. I like to do funny books. I like to do the funny pages. Silly papers. It's called Journey into Mystery. It's part of the, what is it, Thor Fight series, something about Thor. Thor Fight 2019. Thor's fighting everyone on this one. I guess the big headline here is we're writing a funny book. It'll be out in April, but we are also officially co-workers with Wolverine. I'm three cubicles down from Logan.

So I'm in a completely different department from Logan, and my interactions with him are all in the kitchen, and they are pretty bad because of all the pranks he does. To me, I'm kind of his Dwight. He did my stuff in Jello, and he stabbed my dad three times. He stabbed my dad once, but it counted as three because he has three knives, but how is he being near him? Is he listening to a lot of music? Yeah, and here's the thing. Motherfucker, hums along with music. Not loud, like just under the level of loud enough that you would feel like comfortable saying something to Gladys, the office manager. Yeah. Like you're saying Gladys is like, it's not that loud, but it's loud enough that like I can't not hear it. Yeah.

Yeah. Hi, hi guys. It's me, the manager, Justin. Hi, Justin. Hi, Justin. I couldn't help, but overhear you all talking about Logan. Yes. And I'm not sure that you're really producing the healthiest work environment with these kinds of comments. Well, Justin, just real quick. I did, I'd left a note on your desk like for HR about the dad stabbing incident, so I feel like it's weird that you're coming to me first. I don't want to stab on Griffin's toes, but I feel like the humming thing is like as bad as the dad stabbing thing. Well, I multiply mine by three because again, three knives in this guy's hand. Yeah, but he hums every day, Griffin. Sure, sure, sure. Okay. Well, that's a fair point. Listen, guys, why don't you take a seat and we'll get this all

sorted out. Oh, boy. Oh, see, I wasn't looking for a confrontation. That was the chair scooting back. That's me sitting down in it. Uh, Berkey, could you get Berkey? Can he get Logan down here? Oh, goodness. Berkey, get Logan down here and ask him to... I don't want to confront him. He's a stupid hero. I'm afraid he's going to get mad. Okay, here he comes. He's going to stay completely silent though, Trav, so don't worry about it. He won't yell at me. Oh, he's wearing flip flops again. Oh, man. Logan, if you could just sit right there. You remember Travis and Griffin? Hey, Logan. Hey, Logan. I'm sorry. Can he put the knives in his hand like when we're doing this? I feel like,

I feel like it's a little threatening. I don't know how you, I know you snicked him out. I don't know what sound it makes when they go back in. Oh, see, when you weren't looking, he had just one of them out, like the middle finger. And Justin, that's what we're talking about. That's the kind of shit we're talking about. Logan, guys. Slurp your knife back up into your hand and let's talk about this like adults. Logan, put them away. Thank you. Logan, I said put them away, Logan. Well, see, I can't deal with this. How am I supposed to do Marvel's accounting work and write a comic book while Logan's doing this? Logan, this is uncomfortable. Let me back up. You've given a lot of great work to this company. We love the blue and orange and yellow suit.

We were wild about the orange and brown one. And then one day you just refused to wear costumes at all. Yeah, you just kind of went tank top and jeans, which, sorry, I did jump in. I was a fan. Thank you. We were all trying to let that slide, Logan, but at this point, we, Hey, guys, do we have to be careful about what we say about a lot of things now? This is just now occurring to me as I'm trying to inhabit this great character. No, comedy is all about just being offensive and being an offensive rude boy. And so I think we can say whatever we want, Devil May Care. Yeah, I think Justin and Frankenstein Teen become the monster. Yeah, Deadpool sucks there. No, no, we can't say that. Marvel. I don't think you should

say that. No, I enjoyed those movies actually quite a bit. I just watched actually I just watched the second half of the second one. This is being a father. Yeah, I watched the first half of the second one two months ago and thought I should circle back for the second one. Hey, can we get back into the bit? Oh, yeah. Okay, okay. Logan, I just wanted to say that like you may think you're hot shit with your knife hands, but I just want to say we are we are the ones writing this particular comic. And I don't think you are necessarily in it, but we could put you in it. And then I could like, for instance, I could write a scene where Magneto gets up close to you and farts so bad and you smell it and die like an idiot. Yeah, you know what? We don't even need

to write you into it. We can just have a character say like Logan told me the other day he likes to eat poop that he finds. And yeah, we just Spider-Man is like, it's too bad about Wolverine. And then it's somebody else like, what's wrong? And Spider-Man is like, Magneto far in his face, he smelled it so bad he died like an idiot. And like maybe like Kate Bishop is like, I heard that Logan went down a water slide so fast that his underpants ripped off. And like, he was really embarrassed. So he's naked all the time. Yeah, and he sounds like Magneto's part because it lingers in all of his chest hair. Yeah, there's sideburns and stuff. Would you like,

hey, would you like that Wolverine? You wouldn't like that, would you? I don't care, dude. I've got no more dads to stab, bud. You stabbed all the dads. Wait, it's my dad too. Hold on, this is just occurring to me. Logan, we could make him have a tattoo that says Lemon Diet Coke forever. Hey, on this topic, could I solve the big fight that we're writing with me Griffin coming in and stopping it and then I get to be in the movies? This is my favorite thing that people who like write, get their own comic series like TV shows or whatever, they make a character and like they establish like that character is low key, not low key, low key, the strongest character in like the comics universe. Sure. If you did that, it's like you

just introduced Griffin and he's invincible and two times stronger than the Hulk. Yeah. He shoots webs but better than Spider-Man. Yeah. We don't have, we don't have Peter Parker in ours, but like this sort of example will work better if we do. What if we like had a scene where Spider-Man took off his mask and it was Peter Parker and then everybody's like gasp and he's like, oh, you ain't seen nothing yet and he pulls it off and it's me and it's actually. Oh, shit. In me the entire time. Yeah. Seems like the 20s. I don't know. Yeah. You know what I like? What would be better is then he tears off his suit and it's the Hulk's body. Uh-huh. But Justin's head and face. See, I don't need that much. I'm happy if like Thor comes back to like, I don't

know, finish his big fight or whatever and where's he been? Well, he's been with me and I've been coaching him. I'm Thor's life coach. I see. And without me and he says this numerous times, without Travis, I am nothing. Well, I'm not the most powerful, but like, yeah, the most powerful needs me. And I'll just, I'll just write in that Thor finds his estranged father, Thor senior, and that's me. Whoa. And then he unstabs our dad. If we have time, we'll find room to work in the undead stabbing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We can have Spider-Man say, you know, a great man was told me with great power comes great responsibility. And then someone else says, oh yeah, your uncle Ben. And then Peter Parker says, no. The only thing my uncle Ben ever told me is, hey, shut up. Wheel

is on. Enjoy this rice and enjoy. And the Yankees have no hitting this year. Those are the two things my uncle Ben ever said to me. No, my best friend, Justin McElroy, a grown adult said those things to me. And it really inspired me and changed my life. I'll never forget when Justin was gunned down by those gangsters while saving all of those orphans and puppies and he's dying. And his dying breath, he said, with great power comes great responsibility. And don't do Spider-Man 2. And then he got, and then he got one more thing in before he died. And it was Wolverine smell magnet. And then later, when no one expected it, he came back. He was the greatest hero of them all. Superman 2. Yeah. One Superman squared. Superman times Hulk. Superman plus

Hulk. Justin McElroy this entire time has been Superman on Hulk's shoulders. Go get him, son. With the Iron Man suit on. Sorry about your luck, Hitler. Oh yeah, he's from the 40s. I love that vibe. That's also super Justin's catchphrase. He says that all the time, even when not fighting Hitler, he's just so popular that one time he fought Hitler, he can't stop saying it. Do we send this part to the first 13 minutes to a lawyer just to protect? Just to have the lawyer. Just to have a lawyer look at it and check our work? Just kind of make sure it's all clear. Anyway, it's called Journey to Mystery comes out April 10th and it's going to be like five issues. So. A bunch of people said you should have waited 10 days

and it's like, yeah, those are the decisions we get to make. The day comes out. We called up the Marvel president people and we're like, do you guys know about weed? You all know about weed, right? Ask Mickey about weed. Okay, so anyway, this is a podcast. It's in my show or something. We say that it's so much more. It's really more of a family at this point. And families. Sometimes it's so much less though. Some families podcast. We're getting to the point where it's finally feeling like family folks. So I was cleaning out my closet over the holiday season and I found this unwrapped present hiding in a back corner. It's a Christmas present still wrapped from four years ago that my now roommate gave to me to give to one of our other friends.

I obviously never did that. So what do I do? If I open it and keep it, my roommate will know I never gave it to the person I was supposed to. Should I just keep it in my closet forever? That's from poor present transporter in California. I'm going to assume then that that's a misprint in the beginning where you say you found an unwrapped present and then say it was still wrapped. You probably meant you found a wrapped. An unwrapped. Everything's just an unwrapped present if you think about it. Except for explicitly wrapped presents are not them. Hey, this is a bad ruse you've got going because there's a huge sort of failure point here in it and it's that the roommate will at some point have the roommate could ostensibly find out that the person they

meant to give the present to never received it and whether that's they go to their house and it's like where's the punch bowl punch bowl punch bowl looking for the punch bowl where's the punch bowl and it's not there or they explicitly just like say hey um do you ever use that punch bowl I got you then like the jig is up and then they're going to assume that like you stole it pond it um hey um did you uh I've been meaning to ask you did you like that ferret I bought you oh no it's you gotta you gotta fess up I feel like I know that our position on these matters is usually very like you know zag on them 2015 lie and steal and be bad but listen it's 2019 it's time for you to become the monster by which I mean confront your fear of how bad this is going

to be yeah when you do own up to not uh delivering on this christmas cheer because I'm not going to lie to you you fucked up pretty bad yeah but what if okay this is different from advice we've ever given but what if you just walked up to the other friend the one that is supposed to get the president and you say hey I fucked up real bad my roommate our friend gave me this president gave to you and I completely forgot about it it's been four years yes I fucked up but here you go and and please don't tell them and never tell you can't ever tell anyone I don't agree if I'm looking at the if I'm looking at a chart right now people who are angry none right if you give them the gift that person's angry instantly there's one person angry if

they tell your other friends that's two people angry and you're not feeling so hot yourself it seems like everyone is more upset now that you have given this president away other thing is put it in the closet and forget about it and then if your friend is like oh man come on the president you can be like oh shit hold on let me fix it and then they're kind of mad but you have plausible deniability it seems to me that if you suddenly just decide to deliver it it seems very intentional I feel like that would make me much more frustrated than just letting them like we both have stuff okay okay put it in your now roommates closet when they're not home oh like under a t-shirt or something and then your roommate will be like hey

what's this you're like I don't know what so listen I'm giving you two options one complete honesty to the deepest lie you never gave it to me you fucked up put it in the recipient's bed while they're sleeping okay and then they wake up what I will say is what's gonna really take the edge off this don't do it right now holy shit this close to the holidays no way in May in in fucking August when the you know you want you want a big fun holiday to get your just get psyched out of your mind but there's not a whole lot there for you and then you get a a Christmas present it doesn't matter how old it is it doesn't matter uh you know how how dusty how many cobwebs it's it's developed on it's on its hide that's exciting Christmas in August and then you give it to me

and say this is for me oh okay I don't like that you don't know what it is though oh wait that's a good call it might be shitty could be a framed picture of this person in their roommate this is for me a big sir of you in my room hey uh how about a yahoo sure yeah uh I mean here's one from Elliot thank you Elliot it's an anonymous yahoo answers user I'm gonna call uh Muscley James there's an ad there's a man running on a tripod he's huge uh Muscley James asks what is a polite way to pocket pick these days when you hear about thefts there is it's usually not cute that I feel like the era of the of the gentleman thief or gentle person thief is is is is well over is there anything that we

can get going again by making up by doing a polite pocket pick here's what you do you waited in airport in like uh like I say uh I don't know uh Montreal right for a plane that just got there from America you pick their pocket and take their American money but what's that you've slipped some Canadian bills in there I see yes so you have picked their pocket but also they don't have to hit up the currency exchange now but maybe the Travis McRoy gentleman thief exchange rate is gonna be a little bit different well yes absolutely but I would pay a little bit extra to be saved having to interact with another human being while doing a exchange that I have no idea how it works that's my nightmare what what is what there's something that you can leave in there there's

something you can leave in there that will not only take the edge off you will feel like you have come out on top of the equation well and I and I'm having trouble it's not candy I feel like candy would be good for a second they'd be like well I can't go to bars because I don't have my shit anymore um with hmm a better wallet now juice yep does it there does it have money and stuff and cards in there a better life a better life and they can better life okay are you switching while is it the gentleman thieves switches your wallet with a different wallet that contains within its folds a better life a way forward for you and Janine and the girls a new chance at the life you always saw you'd have but credit cards yeah and acceptance letter to that prep school

that you're trying to get the girls into for so long and never could quite pull it off it's a new start Janine it's what we wait for we have to take this chance it's a miracle it's like the address on the driver's license like your new house exactly it's a new start there's pictures of well-trained dogs in your wallet daryl we can't just daryl's dead my name is victor victor new chance it's right here on my new wallet my name is victor new chance and your name is still Janine I guess there's no there's no driver's license for you I don't have his license for you maybe I'm supposed to go by myself Janine but I'm taking you and the girls with me let's be conspicuous I hope nobody switches Janine's wallet she's got a lot of money and nothing going on really no no big opportunities

on the horizon closed doors for Janine big open butt pockets where the wallet where the wallet lives um that could be really good Justin just a new start or maybe a little puzzle maybe a puzzle skill testing puzzle yeah one of those words like you try to get the little like metal beads into the holes that kind of thing well any kind of puzzle really traf like a word search sure man any puzzle that you could think of is probably equally funny I would guess a crossword a sudoku man you know a lot of puzzles I'll give it up you could say if you solve the puzzle you're gonna get your wallet back I'm watching and they stay there and they spend a couple hours working on the puzzle by the time they solve it we're sitting on a beach earning 20 but then when

they solve it we do have to give their wallet back now traf did you not fucking hear what I said but you said that if they solved it you would give their wallet back but I can't travel because unless they're on the beach earning 20 with me well you would go back to where they are but then 20% needs me there at the beach but then why tell them Griffin why tell them to solve the puzzle then if you're not gonna give it back there's seems like a waste of time what about a lotto ticket ooh now if you do that a million times somebody is gonna be helped by that somebody's gonna be helped by that and then karmically like you're I think you still come out on you imagine if it happened the first time Griffin oh like the first wallet you steal you put

it won 38 million dollars or whatever that is a barrel of beans you're not gonna keep pickpocketing after that oh shoot I'd be so freaking p owed your fire's gone out you don't want to pick any pockets do people still pick pockets when a criminal wants something from you I feel like they usually go through a less savory I was convinced growing up that anywhere where there were more than three people you are 95% likely to get pickpocketing interesting and so I think maybe what happened is the wallet chain made the pick the gentleman pickpocket go extinct yeah well oh oh it's attached to him I saw a lot of wallet chains in the late 90s early odds and I never saw one of them prevent a theft and damn it I really wish I had because that would have been

so funny I did see them facilitate a lot of skateboard accidents let's say because I'll tell you this if I pull a wallet out of jinko jeans which were made to be stolen from what with what with their john and jumbo like some sort of carnival game I could carnival game for kids you know like this is the kids version of ski ball I could steal a wallet from one butt pocket while dunking a tennis ball full force into the other one they would be none the wiser but then I would get they would have the wallet chain I bet you dollars to donuts if it was me and I was at the mall and I got this wallet and I pulled it and then had the initial snap back of hitting that that that chain tension and then they the skater looks back at me I bet you I could

pull that wallet hard enough to either rip the pants or break the chain I could either rip the pants or break the chain and now you're in a real pickle because one your pants are torn and messed up and they're falling down and everybody's laughing at you wolverine or two I have now a weapon on a chain that I can use against you I have a wallet flail uh how about another question yes without me okay I tend to sneeze rather loudly I'm not doing it on purpose or anything it's just how I've always sneezed a few days ago at work I noticed a coworker mine gave me a dirty look after I sneeze I figure I was just imagining things until about an hour later when I noticed her glance over my direction and then sneeze so loudly she was nearly screaming

should I just shrug it off is nearly screaming huh or does this mean that's from atchoo at Appalachia hey listen it's me Justin I've got a lot of human foibles and faults this is coming from a place of 100% humility my heart is open to you you should sneeze quieter just you just should sneeze a little quieter and I don't think you consciously make the choice every time you sneeze to sneeze very loudly but I think you made a you did make it one time when you were seven and you said fuck it this is fine this is fine I'm gonna blow the doors off these some other fuckers here it go and then you blew it up and then years and years and years and years later you don't remember this being a constant choice but my thing for you would just be one thing

to work on in 2019 would just be to sneeze quieter or or at least like carry a thick flannel handkerchief that you might muffle said sneeze was that it did you did you sleeve it did you cover that oh you gotta cover that because if you sneeze that loudly oh shit become the monster folks if you gotta sneeze vampire yeah i got a vampire it's not bad there are people who are like why did you pick a bad thing and say people do bad stuff we're not sleeve it sneeze it it can mean so many things if you take it to mean that you should do bad things and you are already a bad monster I let me say this you're looking at that you're like hmm do I need another cookie hey become the monster become the monster cookie monster yes for sure okay anyway we're getting

so far away I guess I get what the angriest probably the angriest I've ever been in my entire life is being in a room of people working and somebody does one of those screams there's one of those sneezes where they scream and the first part you know what I mean like ah chew like and then they give that look like oh shucks that's just the way I sneeze it's fucking not just sneeze quieter please for the rest of us just sneeze quieter your vocal cords are still putting that stank on it you're not coming this is coming from Justin who used to do like a drum roll before I used to do we all get our attention in different ways he did he would go like that's not a joke he would really do it he sounded like Yoshi doing a butt stomp I was great it was amazing but I'm saying it

was just a way to get attention we all do these things in school and then we grow and we move past them you have to stop sneezing so loudly you're bothering everyone please think about it just sneeze quieter you can do it I believe in you you don't need to get in a sneeze fight with this person there's a professional environment but can I say something that does bother me if this person follows my sage advice and they start seizing quiet quieter than like his co-worker let's call uh let's call that person shimmy okay so when shimmy notices the next time you sneeze and it's quieter shimmy's gonna think that she's called one yeah she's won through I would say some very shameful play oh then might I okay when I wait now Travis you started talking very

quickly uh-huh sometimes when that happens the I the sounds are funny but the ideas are bad or challenging uh-huh I don't want to I think wow okay you won't even let me get through the sentence when I tell you to think about the ideas these are extremely challenging my mind is so quickly just let me open a fresco okay hold on let me get comfortable because I've tried to help you twice preemptively there won't be no postemptive help I got what you're about to do okay you're going to start sneezing quieter but prouder so when you feel a sneeze coming on stand up maybe put your foot up on the chair and like spread your arms like you're about to deliver like an operatic solo like Scott step yeah sneeze politely bow sit back down that's good uh you could also just like

sneeze quieter and then shimmy will sneeze louder and then come over and be like looks like my sneeze was louder and then you gesture all over your desk and you say yes but mine was wetter I hate it mine was so wet so uh you can keep your decibels let's uh let's take a brief sojourn at this point in the program and uh go peruse the wares over at the money dump welcome stranger welcome stranger to the money zone I'm very excited this week to tell you about ring ring's mission is to make neighborhoods safer with smart video doorbells and cameras that protect millions of people everywhere what does that mean you ask well you connect it to your phone

wherever you are there's a camera on the ring doorbell it sends its motion or people can like you know push the button pause up on your phone you look at it see who's there takes videos if you're worried about like people stealing your packages and stuff which I always am then this video doorbell is for you or if you just want to see who's at the door before you like get up and go open it you need ring um and so as a listener you have a special offer on a ring starter kit available right now with a ring doorbell and motion activated floodlight camera the starter kit has everything you need to start building a ring of security around your home just go to ring.com slash my brother that's ring.com slash my brother did you all see a video guy made a box and it's

shot glitter everywhere and did a fart spray when people stole it yeah I guess that's fine how come I didn't know there was fart spray until that video how did I not know that's that we have successfully synthesized it I don't know I guess it is not on the blogs there's no cure for canker stores but we still uh we made fart spray good work science hey here's one for quip I brushed my teeth with it today these are toothbrushes that are battery powered and used by Griffin each one they shake and shimmy in your mouth they do a little cleaning a cleaning dance and you put it in there for two minutes and it has these sonic vibrations and then it just gets those guys pearly white again and it's wonderful I'd like to travel with it because I have a little

thing and it's like a cover for it but then you can turn it upside down and stick it on your mirror and then like it's a little holster for it like it's a cool cowboy gun so if you want to get quip and have a cool toothbrush gun I want you to go to getquip.com slash my brother right now and also when you do that you get your first refill pack of toothbrush heads for free they've got over one million happy healthy mouths so get your mouth happy and healthy too the toothbrush has started just 25 bucks uh and you get your first refill pack for free at getqip.com slash my brother genre film fans hear me I know you're out there do not be ashamed of your love for gore action sci-fi or fantasy it's time to come out of the shadows because on switchblade sisters we celebrate

our love for genre films I'm film critic April Wolfe each week I have a conversation with a different female filmmaker about their fave genre film and we cover film craft getting projects off the ground working with actors and our general love for genre movies I've had so many great guests like Heather Graham in the past it's like so many films are made by men that the female point of view is not always respected which is why all these stories haven't come out till now Jennifer's body director Karin Kusama I think there's a lot more fantasy and a lot more expectation projected onto a woman director comedian and actor Kate Berlin I mean it sounds so cheesy to talk about it in yourself like you just keep going you're you know I'm just a vessel like I I just do it

you know I don't think but like that is what it is and many others so check out switchblade sisters every Thursday on MaximumFloon.org or wherever you get your podcasts it's getting more operatic that was very uh like a like uh like a medieval you know dark ages fiefing I enjoyed it I have two this week um and so I'm gonna do them as a combo because they're both less substantial either one would have been a good munch squad junior but uh I'm gonna do one is that the conversion rate to munch squad juniors he feels like munch squad senior this one kind of bums me out I'm gonna go ahead and say it oh no Tim Tebow teams with core life eatery for food revolution oh no welcome to Tim Tebow's food revolution the first paragraph

of this fast food press release says what if you could change your life in just 21 days professional athlete Tim Tebow is teaming up with core life eatery an active lifestyle restaurant offering a variety of greens grains and broth based dishes to do exactly that Tebow is taking the core life challenge and it wants you to join him so that this is a the core life challenge is a 21 day food revolution all of these days I'm assuming you will eat a core life eatery I have to imagine that's a brand built around clean eating which doesn't mean anything wait it's a 21 day challenge we have to eat at this same restaurant every day that's what a great challenge that's the case that I did I unconsciously did the windiest challenge in college a lot so it's uh it's

promoting overall wellness it encourages you to take control of your health although I would argue if you're eating at the same restaurant every day you're letting Tim Tebow take care of your health hey it's me team core life Tim Tebow are you okay are you okay I'm worried about you I'm stopping you at the door with my football body core life eatery and co-founder Todd Mansfield who spent decades practicing physical therapy and functional medicine which means lying is training nutrition design the challenge to provide simple guidelines to improve health and also presumably tricks to get people to eat at the same place for 21 days in a row during these 21 days you'll get recharge refueled not refunded though and embark on your personal journey journey

turns living a healthier lifestyle and living in fucking soil like green becoming the healthiest version of yourself the challenge begins on Wednesday January 16th and you're going to get daily emails with helpful tips and special offers to help you stay motivated and on track from Tim Tebow I guess hey it's Tim are you um gonna come into the restaurant today we're all missing you didn't see you there yesterday and I'm worried you might be dead because you're not eating healthy uh here's a quote from Tim Tebow footballer for our best performance we need the very best food says Tim Tebow who's credited here as a core life eatery enthusiast his parents must be so proud congratulations Tim core life eatery provides the top quality fuel your body

needs to detox refuel and begin 2019 with by getting on the path toward being a healthier you detoxing of course can be performed with by anyone with a kidney or liver you don't need Tim Tebow to make you chicken you don't need to eat Tim Tebow's special chicken every day get detoxed anyway can the three of us help if if Tim Tebow massages your liver and kidney does that help can the three of us get uh Cleveland Brown's full back refrigerator Perry uh to do a challenge for us uh and it's just like eat wherever the fuck you want and don't eat at Tebow's place don't go to Tebow's place don't go to Tebow's place wait place for three calendar weeks it's me refrigerator Perry just go to fucking Taco Bell or whatever I want to meet the person

who is like oh man I've gotta get my life on track in 2019 I know I'm gonna let Tim Tebow make all of my meat so here's here's some more news don't let Tim Tebow lie to you and overcharge you for lettuce Baskin Robbins adds new brownie inspired flavors to the menu boy that is one pretty challenging inspired I have to say brownie inspired flavors to menu it's like it has a spirit of a brownie without any of the actual contents Baskin Robbins is ringing in 2019 with a brownie lovers dream come true brownies brownies hey dipshits we finally figured it out we just sell brownies cool right yeah I guess the January flavor of the month brownie bar mashup is a delicious combination of traditional chocolate and blonde brownies it delivers on two delicious brownie

flavors in one bite ice cream fans may also find themselves under a sweet spell this month as love potion number 31 returns to Baskin Robbins this combination new flavor MK ultra hits the stores this combination white chocolate flavored ice cream agent orange and raspberry flavored ice cream with chocolate flavored chips I'm gonna fucking lose my okay I'm gonna try again okay yeah yeah it's a combination of white chocolate flavored ice cream and raspberry flavored ice cream and chocolate flavored chips and raspberry filled chocolate flavor hearts and raspberry swirl it's sure to work it's magic on every guest as it has already worked as hypnotic linguistic magic on me here's a quote from Carol Austin Carol hey it's Justin McRoy a local reporter for

Munch Squad it's January right we're all eating at Teemo's place to get fit how are you justifying continuing to operate this month should you not shudder who would who would pledge to eat more ice cream in this month of new beginnings and fresh starts well Carol her eyes dart back before the cross three I'm nervously before she hesitantly answers a sweat beating on her upper lip well Justin our mission is to help gas flavor every moment okay Carol let me stop you there means nothing but okay I'm sorry that's weird go on our mission is to help gas flavor every moment in January's offerings we're here to do just that whether your resolution is to a silence fills the room people wait expectantly as Carol Austin vice president of marketing

tries to sell ice cream in January whether your resolution is to reconnect with old friends holy shit enjoy more family time Baskin Robbins has something to help everyone hit pause and savor the start of 2019 Carol it's a good try it's good it sounds like good ice cream it sounds like confusing ice cream hey um gang two things real quick one William the refrigerator Perry paid plate for the the bears not the browns I just wanted to say I just want to apologize to my dad for getting a football fact wrong on our podcast and the other thing is hey Griffin hold on sorry my neck cut out for a second um before we get back to the show I did want to mention you know I think you said William refrigerator Perry played for the brown shoot no you're gonna get

dad points yeah hey sorry I stepped away for a second to go get a glass of water I did want to say real quick Griffin uh it was the bears not the browns that refrigerator Perry oh shit guys sorry I stepped away to get a screwdriver for some shelves I'm installing um damn it earlier you mentioned about William refrigerator Perry my dad points they're flood there's they're flying through my fingers hey guys sorry I just traveled back forward in time from the past where I just watched William refrigerator Perry play for the bears what are you guys talking about ah shoot hey guys I've become unstuck in time and I think I just sired William refrigerator Perry wild and he had a he had a birthmark shaped like a bear okay means anything second thing everybody please

christ go to corelife eatery dot com and scroll down to the bottom of the page where you will find a picture of Tim Tebow whose face is making a face as if you have just told him that everybody else ate all the core life eatery we got delivered and there's none left for him and it's he's making this incredulous face that is so incredible it's so incredible that this is what they know what do you know all the core life eatery what about all my orange drinks what about my orange drinks and vegetable bowls but I drove all the way here I should have called first the tagline that they've gone for with this challenge by the way is it says this like four times on the website it only takes 21 days to change your life um hi that's not

inspiring at all I've never done anything for 21 days ever and my life is away I mean it is the way that it is yeah I don't even go to places I want to go to three weeks in a row core life eatery I'm gonna take this challenge and see what Tim says about the fact that I'd have to drive 500 miles to be doing core life sorry everybody who doesn't live in a major metropolitan area your life stays the fucking same should I just go outside and chew leaves like a cow like Tim like Tim would do hey I've got a yahoo I just love the picture ah Tim it's real good uh this one was sent in by Graham Robach thank you Graham it's yahoo answers user Melanie who asks I forgot when my job interview is how do I go about asking when my interview was without appearing irresponsible

this is so choice oh no that's rough I'm trying to think of a wording hi this is I'm calling can't lie can't lie they won't tell you oh this is a delectable little confection yeah it's me this no I did it first but you didn't say piss oh it's because it's new year and I'm trying not to cuss as much could you pretend to be a competing job nope compete now hold on I do want to hear what Travis thinks competing job is I'm going to hire Henriette okay so I'll interview her when you were going to when was that that's nothing no that's good no that's quite good um the name was the name was Melanie it's good it's good the idea of poaching a job interview what about you call and say I can't wait to start work let's move that interview up the sooner the

better you say when the interview I choose the interview time what are you doing right now and then you knock on the door I know my interview was supposed to happen at a later time but I'm so horny for it I mean excited for it shit sorry ah fuck oh no sorry that I want to do it right now please your interview was two months ago you've been working here for two months yeah whatever we're gonna do do it fast uh why don't you call the boss okay and um the uh you say hi this is shellick from Melanie oh you're like to lie no it's a line yeah go for it go go okay you didn't put on your live voice yeah so I thought it was okay sorry sorry right here so you say hi this is shellick from human relations and uh I was gonna get an edible arrangements for everybody that has

a job interview this month and could you just list them off to me with the times so I can get it get them one personalized and have it ready for their interview time now I want to say Justin that the the uh department human relations does make it sound like shellick works in the sex some sort of sex acts um well you could just say you work at their aliens okay you could just say you work at edible arrangements and say you want to give free deliveries to everybody who has a job interview today because dammit edible arrangements loves jobs we're just so excited that the economy is thriving maybe and our shit is really just some apples we dipped in chocolate so there's very little overhead ask them say we would like to offer our facility for you to do your job interview today

you know what we interviewed Melanie for you she's great uh hey it's me it's me from the bakery bakery joe I got a cake here that says uh happy job interview Melanie so when you want this dropped off I like that that could work too how about this check this one out hello Richard yeah this is dr frito lay I heard you had an interview with Melanie coming up and I say just higher she's the tops anyway gotta go crunch now that's assuming I guess that she's interviewing for frito lay yes right that right you could fake you could fit in whatever you wanted to there you could just roll up to like the waiting area in front of the office and just start sitting there now and just say like uh punctuality is uh really important to me so I want to be here right right

when you need me for the interview and they'll be like it's in 19 days and you say well good thing I brought all this soup and you show them all the soup that you brought um exactly 19 cans one a day that's all you need folks hi it's me tim tebow and I'm here to tell you how to flip your shit all around it's a 19 day soup challenge don't eat more than one cast soup a day things are loaded with salt not tim tebow's soup his is made out of football sweat so today I went to gate new york city I was at gatorade because you did football sweat today I went to new york city with my girlfriend and we decided to take a short taxi drive rather than take the subway however our taxi rear ended the city bus oh shit jeez the driver has jumped out and screamed me at the bus

driver now we're sitting in the back arguing whether we have to pay for our rides still and whether or not we should flee before the police arrive brothers help us and um that's from traumatized taxi travelers in new york city I'm assuming there's gotta be a law on this one the typing of the question I'm assuming was therapeutic for you in that once you finish typing it you're like well we certainly do have to stay here at the cab don't wait we really don't have a lot of options here there's got we we don't have to spend a lot of time on this one gang I'm almost 100 percent certain you are not the first people to be in a cab accident there has to be precedent for this one I think I don't know the good news is if you do run away was the cab driver gonna do follow

you in their cab don't rip off cab drivers we should we should be explicitly clear that you shouldn't rip off cab drivers it's it's a question of what did they owe you they put they made you be in a crash how long were you in the cab before that like were you almost to your destination then you need to stay and pay if it's like you just sat down on the cab turn the corner hit a buzz move it along did you just maybe ask the taxi driver who's having a very bad day oh yes oh you probably asked them you were a witness though you were a witness to the crime I don't think you can flee because you witnessed it it wasn't a crime as much as it was in New York whoopsie okay you're a witness to the whoopsie in a new york whoopsie if I ever make a fourth album witness to the whoopsie

it's just about the best name I can come up with dang I was a witness to the whoopsie um uh yeah ask the cab driver or google it what do you do if you're I'll fucking google it for you here let me just do it I don't want to get snide but what do you do you do geez type much if you're you're in a cab and it gets in a new york whoopsie Griffin also search how to be on cash cab yeah is is it like a submission thing or do they just randomly pick people up I mean there's a whole website here called just yeah which may be Justin's website but he mistyped it at the end and put a in and set it in um and do you have to pay though to be on cash cab if you lose cash cab do you have to pay when you get to your destination

do they drop you off if you lose and you don't get to go to your destination I've never watched cash cab oh I think my Skype might have cut out can you guys not hear me yeah we can hear it you here's another question pay um I just decided pay the pay the pay the cab just look at the meter pay with their pay the cab every yes a while ago I folded an oh but wait they don't have cash they're gonna they were playing on using a card use the fucking card reader it probably didn't explode when we were in this bar that shouldn't look suspicious a while ago I folded an origami dragon for my math teacher the teacher asked me if I was good at origami I said yeah sort of she then asked can you fold books to make words I socially nept and wanted to exit the conversation

as quickly as possible said yes which was a complete and total lie she gave me an old math book to fold into her last name I have no clue how to fold books how can I do this or maybe how can I escape this awful task I did not be too accept I haven't looked at the book for a week or two I keep making excuses so I haven't started yet it's from a clever name pun if only books or something I can't even be bothered to make up a name bad enough that you're agreeing to fold books into words books already have words in them that's right yeah so you should just give her back the original book and say like yep there you go one word filled book hot and fresh ready to order I'm looking at

full books I'm looking at it now it's like if you if you fold a bunch of pages in a row in a way that then makes like a pattern up here so you can like you know fold one page and that's like the very left side of the J and then it needs to be a long book if you're spelling out Jonathan Taylor Thomas like a long long long long book it's nice that your teacher said oh thank you for this present now let me give you a chore to do yeah this present's lovely making me a bigger better present I mean I'm looking at Etsy and we're talking about this is a $40 product that you are giving giving to them for free yeah I could do one where I just sort of sort of roll the pages a little bit and then tuck it back into the spine and just do that and with

all the pages and give it back and the teacher's like this doesn't say anything and you say yes it does it says mmm because it looks like a bunch of m's could you just wait until you graduate and not worry about it anymore after that that could be good you could also get a sharpie out and write Derek on the side of the book or find someone on Etsy and buy the book from them already or send it to them say hey will you do this for me and now you're the like middleman of origami why'd you lie so bad I tell you what's worth trying is to go to the teacher and say I couldn't do it and I thought I could but your name's too hard and it's got a lot of bad letters in it for or from an origami perspective it's got a lot of bad letters in it and I couldn't do it and I tried but I couldn't

do it and I'm sorry but I couldn't do it I decided instead to focus on my studies right because I'm a child and then your teacher's like my name is Joe and it's just J.O. so but the O is the hard one the O is a really toughy because there's a lot of curves in there give me angles all day long hey why'd you lie so bad though this seems like a weird one I get wanting to get out of the conversation but in my experience no is the much better ripcord for pretty much most things if someone tries to improv you and you say no end of improv you're out of there but if you say yes and now you have to you know what are you going to say next about the grocery store here Griffin let's try it okay hey Griffin are you any good at origami

you tell me oh it's pretty good can you fold books into words no I hate you you fail you fail this class oh no you're out of school now and you're off the football team no okay quarterback all right let me try conversation still over though isn't it travel me yeah let me try ask me trev okay hey are you any good at origami hell yeah all right well don't curse we're in school fuck yeah fuck yeah dude hey hey I heard that is he fucking is origami Steve good at origami dumb fucking question think about it think about it with your fucking brain before you get out of here cursing cherry cursing cherry's vaping everywhere yeah I'm trying to talk origami Steve oh shit he's folding up my vape fog in the air don't curse I'm gonna send you the

principal's office get out of here now I'm sorry origami Steve yeah I know you're gonna do origami can you fold books I swear to god cursing cherry I'll call your dad okay can you fold books and I'll call your dad get to lunch okay it's taco Tuesday okay now can you fold books and the only bibles we sit there in silence see what this see what tough tough miss teacher what's to do then how see how much you'd love to see your name represented in the art of the falling page as she's willing to destroy god's beautiful perfect word uh let's end this episode hell yeah this has been so much fun thank you all for hanging out with us we love you very much um you uh we had a

really fun 2018 with you and we hope that we're gonna have a great year together us and you um if you are anywhere near New Orleans the no the no la I believe mm-hmm as I believe they call it or maybe just no la I don't actually know uh if you're anywhere near there or Birmingham Alabama we're going to be headed your way so please uh come see us if you head to macroi.family uh you can find the tour section there and you can see the places that we are going to be and that is going to be uh and uh Birmingham on February 7th and then New Orleans on February 9th with the adventure zone on February 10th with the Birmingham all shows starting at 7 p.m. and uh it will be very fun and we hope that you will come uh and join us because we're really looking forward to it we've

never been in that area I've I've never visited either of those cities so it's going to be a hoot and a half uh also even before that here in uh January uh you can come see saw bones at sketch fest the california academy of sciences uh on January 17th it's a big show with uh us and uh roger's gonna be there with omnibus and uh you should know this and john the colton paul and storm and a lot of other cool folks so um you get a sketch fest website get tickets for that also last thing you can get uh uh remote attendance or in-person attendance I guess for a pod con that's going to be january 19th through the 20th and there's a lot of different panels you can see and stuff like that and you can get remote attendance if you go to the

podcon website which is podcon.com so go for it and just mentioned earlier our website macroi.family got a bunch of stuff on there if you want to find out more about our shows or get the the newest merch we have a new pin for january it is a stylish pin that says unless on it it's real slick um yeah that's all at macroi.family and thanks to maximumfun for having us on the network maximumfun.org check out all the great shows there thanks to john roger and uh the long winters for the use of our theme song it's a departure off the album putting the days to bed uh it's very very good the song is and the album and the band and you should go get the whole discography uh so y'all want the final yes i was sent in by megan thank you megan it's from an anonymous

yahoo answers user musley james is back on my screen thank you uh two for for musley james he's really curious and he asks how many rocks can you fit in your backpack my name is just macaroy i'm travis macaroy i'm griffin macaroy my brother my brother me kiss your dad square on the lips maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported if you're looking for a new comedy podcast why not try the beef and dairy network it won best comedy at the british podcast awards in 2017 and 2018 also i'm there were no horses in this country until the the mid to late 60s specialist bovine arsvet both of his eyes are squids eyes yoghurt buffet she was married

to a bacon farmer who saved her life farm raised snow leopard she downloaded today that's the beef and dairy network podcast from maximumfun.org also maybe start at episode one or weirdly episode 36 which for some reason requires no knowledge of the rest of the show