My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 443: Face 2 Face: Apple Time!

Episode Date: January 23, 2019

Live from Podcon 2, it’s half an episode of MBMBaM! And then half an episode of non-live MBMBaM, just to give you a well-rounded hour-long podcast listening experience! Get It! Apple Time!

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? The world is not responsible for fixing your life. Look at the person in the mirror, the person, oh thank you. Thank you so much. Hi, welcome to my brother, my brother and me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother in 30 under 30 media luminary Griffin McElroy. Who here has never listened to my brother, my brother and me before? How confused were you when a Frankenstein had popped up on the screen? We just really like him, we think he's great. Thank you. Welcome to your number one Frankenstein fancast. So welcome, my brother and my brother and me. This is a kind of a notable episode in terms of the live shows we've ever done in our entire lives because we are sober.

I want to step in here and say I've done a lot of shows with diarrhea. There was no way I was drinking during those. Fair enough, fair enough. This is par for the course for me. How has everybody's, this is like fishing for applause, but how has PodCon treated you all? It's nearly the end of day one. I have just, I've had a great time. My mind is flooded with great new podcast ideas. There's definitely a sense of, I love meeting everybody, but I bet at least a few people in this room have had this thought. This has been so fun. I would actually at this point like to just go home and listen to some podcasts please. I need a little bit of a break. I mean, wouldn't it be great that maybe that's

something we could offer at PodCon three where like you're all sitting there watching, but also you're wearing headphones and just getting the audio feed through there, and you're all in individual cubicles and don't have to see each other. That would be. That's the dream. I had an idea for a podcast. I wanted to bounce off you guys because I'm looking for collaborators. I'm shopping around currently. You're looking for funding. I'm looking for $1.5 million in startup funding. I had this idea for a podcast that was inspired from my experience of being here. And the podcast, I don't have a title or anything yet. It's still very early days, but it's about how to use a convention center bathroom like an adult.

And that's not a judgment of the PodCon attendees. I would say you all are above average in that department. I've been to a lot of cons in my day, and there's just something about stepping foot into a convention center that makes a lot of people apparently feel like this is not my home. I can do whatever I want in here. It's universal. It's not just PodCon. Marie Kondo could be doing a manor's convention and step into a convention center bathroom stall and be like, let's see what I can do in here. This is my canvas. This brings me joy. I really like PodCon. Probably Comic Con is the best for this because I love seeing below.

I love seeing beloved characters come out of the shitter. There's nothing better than like, I just saw Deadpool and he was pooping. Seeing a spider man walk out of a bathroom stall, you're like, oh, sick costume. And you walk in there after them and you're like, great responsibility dog. You've done irresponsible things in here, Spidey. More than that, I've also seen poor cosplay planning where I did once see a spider man walk out to a urinal and go, oh, no. Oh, no. Then I just had to picture a fully naked spider man. At that point, the mass becomes essential. No one can know. So anyway, we hope you're enjoying podcast convention too. We know we are. So let's get into the podcast proper. This is an advice

show where we take your questions and turn them out. Let me like into wisdom later on in the program. We're going to be taking some questions from the audience. So please start cooking those up in your noggin. We're going to do some other stuff first though. So let's get right into, that sounded sinister. No, but this is wonderful because normally when you do this at home, people can't see that. It's not that you don't have the questions pulled up. You just don't know what you're saying. So here we go. I work for a grocery delivery service downtown and one of our regular customers is Macklemore. He is always buying the best food in the store. Pizza, soda, chips. Where is this store?

Where is this person? That's what I want to know. The best stuff. What else does the store sell? In large enough quantities that I know he has to be throwing some baller parties. I frequently shop this order for him and it always makes me hungry. How do I get him to invite me to these parties? Please, sir, may I have some Macklemore in Seattle? Question. Is Macklemore a Seattle person? Okay, don't brag about it. Round of applause. How common is this? Have you all seen Macklemore around? Holy shit, that's like half of you. Are you here, by the way, question asker? All right, awesome. Are you prepared for the reality that you get there? I'm like,

he invites you in and it's just him eating eight bags of chips by himself. Oh, thank God, please come in. I'm so lonely. I'm gonna pop some bags. I've been waiting for someone to ask. I've been buying the best pizzas. Finally. I'm only getting name brands sodas. Come on. Hey, don't lie to me. Have they invented any new chips yet? You promised you'd tell me, right? If they invented new chips, Macklemore's got to be on the edge of chip fashion. Do you think you would take a bite and just like more like cracklemore? No, please don't leave. I need you to think through whether or not you really want Macklemore to invite you to his party. If Macklemore, I know that you think in theory you

do, but if Macklemore is like killer, see you at eight on Wednesday night after church, after youth group, after youth group, if you are standing outside his door at 755, are you really, there's not a moment where you're like, am I going to really go into Macklemore's house? Because you're not going to know anybody. You're not going to know fucking anybody except Macklemore. Macklemore is going to be like, look, this is my grocery person. I'm crazy about them. They're cool. They're so cool guys. Hold on a second. They always get me the best chips. You remember last time at the last party we had chips? They brought those, all of them. So let's take a moment to thank this grocery delivery person for the great chip. Thanks to the pizzas and sodas

too. I don't want to let that get lost in the shuffle. Hey Macklemore, why did you buy pizza at the grocery store? If you're here, please. If only there was an easier way to have pizzas delivered. I know you're huge on thrift, but please, you don't have to resort to Tombstone Macklemore. I don't think there's a person alive who, it's talking to somebody and they're like, how did you meet your best friend or significant other? And they'd be like, I met them at Macklemore's party that he had at his house. Didn't really know anybody there. Hey, how about a Yahoo? Yahoo! Here's a Yahoo that was sent in by Merritt Palmer. Thank you, Merritt. It's Yahoo Answers user. Well, something's gone wrong. Someone called them Bryce asks,

can a PowerPoint be sexy? Like a sexual experience? So we're not talking about like the slides don't contain sexual material. Yeah, I think that would be a little too on the nose. This is more like the tone of voice, the pacing. The framing of it itself can be... You know, I think that when you see someone do something they're very good at, that can be intensely. Like if you see someone play... Are you allowed to say the words intensely sexual out loud? I was. I pulled the ripcord and I bailed out of it. Three quarters of the way. Stuffed the ripcord back in the hole, like no, no, no, get back in there. Please don't look at my parachute.

And that's all I've got. Bye. That's my time. That was a challenging thought to float at a convention about a specific craft, Trav. Thank you. I guess what I'm saying is, you know, when you watch Hank and John make a podcast and you're like, damn. Yeah. The pacing is so important with a sexy PowerPoint because a lot of people just rush through them before they've completed their thought and you have to slow it down. Hit every bullet. What I love is when I... Make me wait for it. When I'm just about to... Hold your hand up to the screen and act like you're gonna click and just let your thumb caress the button. And then you're saying, moving on. Here we go. So the next thought is coming up. Right.

I'm making this come. Come on. I mean, it was obviously fucking implied, but Jesus. Oh, okay. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Can we take it back? Edit that out. Of your brains. I mean, you got a laser pointer. You could ostensibly go real fast with it to make sort of a laser light show of some erotic shapes. And I won't be blue like my rude brother, Travis. This rude boy. I guess I'm kind of the bad boy of the podcast. Last summer. This won't play an audio. No way. We stopped to distribute this. Last summer I was working for a summer camp and I told my mom that I needed a pair of khaki shorts. The official clothes of summer camp. If you're going to summer camp or catching Pokemon, so I got a pair of khaki shorts. She proceeded to buy me three pairs

of them. This was fine until the next week when she bought me three more. This continued every week until I begged her to stop buying me khaki shorts. How do I keep this from happening to me again in the future? That's from covered in khakis. Are you here? Hello, I can see you. Hey, just how many shorts did that? What was the grand finale total? What did you net? No, that is not divisible by three. I'm sorry to math you like that. 21, perhaps, 18. Now we're all wondering what happened to that one pair. That's mom's cut. I don't feel like this is going to happen again. I would say, first off, if your concern is you'll somehow fall into this khaki vortex

once more. I do think that I would really appreciate the thrill of going about my life day to day, eating whatever chilies I liked or melting ice creams and thinking, fuck these shorts. I actually don't care. Dribble on down all you want, Mr. Chocolate Sauce. I've got another pair of you at home. I also think it would be worth it for just gifting the story to the Goodwill employee who opened the bag. There's like 30 pairs of khaki shorts in here. Is this person Doug Funny? What the hell? Yeah, that's a good point. You could actually develop a uniform, which would be very cool. You could wear the same. You just need to tell them like, I love green sweater vests and white t-shirts. Also, I need them for camp. I think if you want to

stop the flow, you need to find some way to start doing the shorts like drugs. I don't know what that looks like. There's probably some way of getting shorts inside of you that would goof you up somehow. I meant like smoke it. God, you all are nasty. But the podcast one crowd was not nearly this yucky and their bathroom usage was way better. I'm sorry to bring this back on you. I messed up. I flossed in front of my students. Now they won't stop asking me to do it again. How did I regain power in my classroom? That's from Courtney and Vancouver. Are you here? It sounds like you have the power. Yeah, you're the most powerful person in that room for sure. You have something they want. As you say, do your homework and I shall floss.

Yes, teacher. Or if you don't do your homework, I'm gonna floss. Is this how far gone we are that they have not seen people floss before? Like, is it like they've never, they never learned how? Is that fascinating? Wait a second, Justin. You know what I mean? So, wait, hold on. Audience, don't reward this. In your mind, this teacher, this wonderful podcast just stood up one day and said, hey, class, check it out. And they were like, whoa. How did you put it between your chompers? That's why I do what it did. These plaque-riddled teens. That's why I thought it was so funny.

Well, that's our last episode, everyone. That's how we knew we were so far out of touch and we weren't allowed on the internet anymore. This is the Fortnite, isn't it? Yeah, it's one of them. I don't, I do not know how to continue with this question, which is unfortunate, because I felt like it had a lot of promise. I just, I thought it was weird that they flossed it. Okay. If I walk through it, okay. I did think it was weird that they flossed it from their students. But also, I've been alive for 38 years and floss has meant one thing for like 37 of those. So, fuck off. Wait, how did you turn so quickly to being on his side? We were all in this moment together 30 seconds ago. The good news is, and then within like the next three months, I can pretty much guarantee you that

floss is going to go back to only meaning that stuff you do with your teeth. The shelf life of these things is usually very limited. You made a prison for yourself, and it's not our job to scoop you out of it. We're not going to give you the, the, the ball hammer Andy do frame. You, you goofed up pretty hard. You give a mouse a floss dance and the rest of the saying, I don't. Try to know what it is. Only sort of know what it is. Just a member of the team up here, I feel like. And I said something dirty like 30 minutes ago. A real dirty word. So, you all remember. Why do you want them to relish in it? God, what a weird episode. I want it. I know what it, I know what it means. Do it.

In that, no, I'm not going to do it. No way. This is an audio medium. Not a million years. He's just scared. You're making the show worse because there's not a reality in which this will happen. It's an audio product and I'm not going to have. Oh, he's doing it. Oh, he's watching so good. The speed of his arms is lifting him off the ground. It's, whoa. He's ascending into heaven. Goodbye, Justin. Goodbye. He took his mic with him. What's it like in heaven, Justin? I just, Jesus told me that floss has meant something for 2000 years and it wouldn't have occurred to him either, he says. I do have a yahoo. Okay. This one was sent in by the delivery man, South Carlson. Thank you, Seth.

It's an anonymous yahoo answers user who I'm going to call Jason with an M. Jason asks, what does the moon smell like? I've always been curious about the what the moon smells like and because there is no time that I will be on the moon and or able to smell the moon, it is a question I honestly wonder about. Also, I can't smell moon rocks that are on earth because their inherent moon smell would be compromised by earth smells. Yeah. Excellent point, Jason. I am saddened by Jason's question because of the line, there will not be a time, because what I realized is the question is that there will not be a time when I will be on the moon and or able to smell the moon, which does create a scenario with Jason is on the

moon, but it's unable to smell it because of that pesky glass and the helmet and he's just picking up handfuls of moon dirt. No, as he sucked back into space. Okay, I'm pretty sure it's the lack of atmosphere on the moon that would make it so you can't smell anything up there, right? Like even if you could, this is going to be another if you nut in space, doesn't push you backward. I think, I think everything got a smell. Everything got a smell. Water has a smell. Even if our noses can't pick it up so good sometimes, everything got a smell. Even if you remove the atmosphere around it, if you take a stinky egg and you put it in a little vacuum tube and you suck all the air out, there may not fall at the same speed as a feather. Yes. There may not be

the egg stink in there, but the egg still has a stink. Whoa. You're saying that if it's dark, like it's if it's the dark part of the moon, you can like the rock still has a look, even though you can't see it. Whoa. We're sober, but are we stoned? Here's what I'm saying. Here's what I'm saying. I think that, okay, I'm pretty sure about this. There, you could never smell anything on the moon without compromising it with our terrible earth smells. Yes. If you brought a moon rock back in a vacuum and you stuck your head in there real fast, I think you could have one, right? You'd have one chance where you could like get the good smell of it without the dirty earth air. This is interesting. Justin thinks it would be a very good smell. Well, but you know, here's the problem.

There would be no context because it literally smells like nothing on earth. So you would smell the moon and you'd be like, it smells like something. What would you compare it to? That's great. That's like seeing a new color for the first time. I want to smell the moon. But then think of the loneliness that you would have as being the only one who's ever smelled the moon. You could never discuss it with anyone. They would have to, no, this is 2019. There would be like a bunch, they would bring back millions of rocks in tiny vacuum boxes and they would all be wrapped in like blind boxes. So you'd have to like have unwrapping videos and the people would smell them on YouTube is how it would probably go down. They wouldn't just bring back one moon rock in a vacuum box.

Yeah, we've talked about this too seriously for too long. I'm just saying it's kind of a bummer that you can't smell the moon. What do you think the moon tastes like? No, I'm not going to do that. It's just rocks, but like the smell of the moon. It smells like Neil Armstrong's feet. If the moon crashed into the earth. Okay. Major worse mask. That would be bad. For sure. Okay. I'm a lifelong knitter and whenever I'm going somewhere where I know I will be waiting a lot like the airport or riding public transport, we know. I mean, thank you, but like we know places you wait. I like to take a small project and knit while I wait. The thing is on several occasions I've looked up for my work at just the right moment to see what someone clearly

trying to take a picture of me. More often than not, we lock eyes and they know that I know they're trying to take a picture of me. What do I do when I make eye contact with the person trying to stealthily take my picture? I didn't think knitting in public was that weird. The awkwardness kills me every time and that's from stitching in your Snapchat stories. Are you here? All right. And PS, I'm Jennifer Garner. Yeah. The great news is you already have two sharp objects in your hand. What the fuck are they doing? No matter how interesting or like unusual the thing you're doing is you're like, gotta take a picture of this stranger is always weird. Even if you were flying and so I was like, well, they're not looking like that's a weird. It's uncomfortable.

I'm going to bet also that you are not the only person in this room that brought knitting with you today. All right. Yes, I see something. Yes. Yes. This is, I love, but this is a sample size that is probably not representative, but still everybody's doing it. Maybe just everyone that you've seen try to take a picture is like me and has like is just sitting there thinking like this human being can focus for on a project that long. Who is this? I need to remember them visually forever in my phone. I think how, what were they going to do with that fucking picture? Instagram, you'll never believe that. A scarf. Can you, I don't know how quickly you can knit, but can you super quick knit like, fuck you or like, no, like, or like a net you can throw over them. Oh,

that would be good. Give me the camera. And then you smash it on the ground and then you knit them a new camera. That's how it works. Yep. You knit a little cocoon that you wrap them up in. That would be actually be very comfortable. That would be a bad punishment. Knit me up a cocoon. That's just called a hammock. A fully enclosing apparatus. I've been doing hammock wrong. Yeah, I would say so. Hey, this is unconventional, but I have a riddle. We do a segment called riddle me piss and not doing the voice and Travis loves to take it over and do the voice and I hate the voice. I like to keep it very straight laced here on riddle me piss. Riddle me piss, boys. This is a, this is a riddle.

Does it say, Travis, you know this website, does it say who did it? No. Someone did this riddle and they thought it was cool enough to share with the internet. Now I'm going to read it here in this room. Work it over in your own brain. I don't know why my voice just sounded like that. Do not shout the answer out. I'll be furious. Don't. A man with two heads walked down the street, but no one noticed or cared. Why? A man with two heads walked down the street, but no one noticed or cared. Why? Everyone was busy because in this cellular age, am I right? Put your phones down and look at the new two heads. Is it the dirty reason? Okay.

One head was in a bag. Zafod Beeplebrox was filming. You just wanted to say Zafod Beeplebrox out loud. Yeah. Yeah. That's okay. What's the answer? The second head was the head of lettuce he was carrying. Still someone should have noticed or cared. Nice. Good for you, Doug. Eating healthy. If you didn't see someone carrying a head of lettuce around, you would notice and care. I guarantee. This is from riddles.com, a website we like to visit from time to time. And I did not realize about this website. There is a like dislike function sort of similar to YouTube videos. I looked through a few of these. I looked through a lot of these. There's not a single one with a

positive ratio. That's my favorite thing. Because every time you'll see one, it's like 10 likes, 100 dislikes. I'm like, oh, gotta check this one out. Yeah, I gotta know. We didn't time our segments out very well. All the way out in Seattle. We've been found by a Haunted Doll Watch. This doll is named Rhea or rather Mashibe Israel Haunted Spirit Doll Haunted Doll Child is the eBay listing. You can it's currently bidding with no bids starting at 999. The evil number almost the upside down evil number. Rhea is the spirit of a nine year old child. That's rough start. That's why it's 999 very active energy and very demanding of attention. She communicates by spirit board and spirit box. She has broken English. Well, like that's

for a ghost. For a ghost is good though. If you think about it, that's pretty impressive. Like why would you waste time with a bunch of words you don't need? Just like get to the point. You're using someone's pointer to scoot across the board. Yeah, there's not going to be a bunch of like apostrophes and stuff. It's ridiculous. If my dog started talking and someone's like, that's amazing. And I'd be like, it's not full sentences. Yeah, how did you how did you die? Horse tragedy. What does that mean? Give me some pronouns in there. Her favorite thing to communicate are. Oh, now who's speaking with broke? Yeah. Yeah, right. Her favorite things to communicate are no mine. Get it.

Pretty kitty. Apple time. Hey, Ray, I'm going out on a date tonight. How do I look? Apple time. Speak sentences. Get it. What do you mean? Pretty kitty. No, mine. And various other simple things that she repeats. Does she speak in broken English or does she say four different things like a like a Pee Wee Herman doll? You're pulling the string on. She is known to be heard giggling, especially when your back is to her. Okay. Why would you ever turn your back on something haunted? But you're cool. That sense construction would be way different if you looked at her and she giggled. You can just write she giggles. I've seen it. Watch your face up move. This one is real

child. Because of her broken communication, she has been very hard to learn from about her past. She is very content as she is. Cool. That's like good for her. Why we're all trying to get there, right? I mean, it does beg the question, then why is she here? Because it seems like if you're content, that's when you normally get, you know, that's an interesting thing that Justin has floated that if you walk into a, there's not a toy store anymore, huh? Yeah, then you walk into an American girl store and it's like, good, everyone here has fulfilled their, their charge on earth and ascended into the afterlife. All of these empty husks. Ah, I just think, you know, maybe like she died and she got trapped in a doll and she was like, oh no, you know what, it's apple time.

She easily adjusts to new places and people. If you don't mind bumps in the night and hearing giggling and the sounds of little feet running around. I, I do mind. You have a child. Yeah, I do. I have a child that we made together and is not a doll. Well, when you hear those feet in the night, you're all like, oh, damn it. Actually, I was either my kid or a ghost. Right. I would be more scared if I heard feet running around in the middle of the night and I did think it was my child who had woken up from slumber. She is best with other spirits and people who are understanding and know to expect anything from mischievous spirits. If you're a lover of spirits and treat them as family, if you're kind and understanding of their special needs and care required to own spirit

items, then please consider, Rhea, my spirit items come from a clean and non-smoking environment. I mean, it's important. Yeah. You do. You want to know that. You want to raise them right, you know? This is my favorite part. She will arrive to you carefully and safely packed in a discreet manner. Well, just right on the box, dildo box and no one will ever know. It would be pretty brutal to get like, just like wrapped in cellophane, just like a doll is lying on your porch like, well, wait, that's a short story that tells you everything you need to know about her new neighbors, honey. Time to move. I think I cracked the case. She'll arrive to you carefully. So please check back as I'm offering many of my spirit items all month. My items are

well known and loved across social media. Oh, wait, who was this? Mischievous Rhea? Oh, yeah, she's great. I know her on Tumblr. Previously, I was among the highest entrusted spirit item sellers on eBay until it took a break a few years back for family and self-care. You haven't. You sold a doll that killed someone. All right. You had the lay low. We get it. Anyway, that's your, for this week, your haunted doll watch. Don't do the thing. You always do the thing where you're like, great job. But it's the only one, guys. It's the only one. Why don't I start with like, that's it? Maybe go negative. Yeah, neg us. Okay, okay, okay. All right, all right. We could tell they were trying

folks, but these boys just couldn't bring it home on this one. Right in gears. You got to get the long cane and grab them all by the necks. And who's that holding the cane? Well, it's Mike Myers. And he's playing a new character on this game show. Comedy God, Dr. Kane. Dr. Herman Kane starring Mike Myers. So we have some advertisements that we'd like to tell you about. Thank you to Podcom, by the way, for coming out to Podcom. Here's our first sponsor is Blue Apron. Blue Apron is wonderful. Blue Apron makes these boxes and the boxes are full of food parts and special recipes specifically for those food parts that you follow to turn them into amazing dishes like sage and brown butter chicken with roasted vegetables. And so many more. And that's not just

you can eat the box. Travis, they don't like it when you say that. I'm pretty sure. No, I mean, let me be clear. You're not supposed to, but you can. Yeah. And we're not going to tell you that it tastes better than a regular old box, but it's not seasoned. Let me be clear, boxes not seasoned. We won't not tell you that. So anyway, they got chef designed recipes that use fresh seasonally inspired ingredients and time saving tips and technique videos. They help you learn how to be a better chef. It worked for me. I love cooking. I used to not. And then this magical box came into my life. I climbed inside of it, traveled six years into the future. And now here I am talking to you today.

And I just ate it. So I need some gas. I need some gas money. I left my wallet back in 2013. Oh, no. So check out this week's menu and get $60 off at blueapron.com slash my brother. That's blueapron.com slash my brother. And then it says here, Blue Apron, a better way to cook parentheses. Don't eat the box in parentheses. I got this next one. Okay. Eat stamp? Step for not to eat for mail. Stamps.com is a website that is just like a post office in that stamps are available, but in every other way possible. It's different for the post office in that mark works there. There are marks involved, but you won't feel like a mark

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at the top of the homepage and type in my brother. That's stamps.com. Enter my brother. I wish people wouldn't put into my brother. Really need a different sort of way of saying. Just don't ever please don't do that. Input. Input my brother. Input my brother. Type my brother. Do you think that when the postman brings your digital stamp, he knows it's his way of saying goodbye? He just kind of hefts the box and he's like, hmm, kind of feels like Jesus, you wouldn't be trying to cut out the middle mark, would you? I'm doing my best over here. But anyway, stamps.com. And then also at my brother, if you click on the microphone, type in my brother and press the return key. There, I avoided saying it again. Hi, I am Laurie Kilmartin and I'm Jackie Kaysha.

Together we host a podcast called The Jackie and Laurie Show. We're both stand-up comics. We recently met each other because women weren't allowed to work together on the road or in gigs for a long, long time. And so our friendship has been unfolding on this podcast for a couple years. Jackie constantly works the road. I write for Conan and then I work the road in between. We do a lot of stand-up comedies. So we celebrate stand-up and we also bitch about it. We keep it to an hour. We don't have any guests. We somehow find enough to talk about every single week. So find us. You can subscribe to The Jackie and Laurie Show at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, bye. That sounds like one to check out. If you would like a different podcast,

though, we have half of one, a perfectly good half of a podcast left here for you, left on your plate. You know, there are kids in other countries that would love to eat half of a podcast. They got earphones with only one cup on them. Perfect for this half a podcast. We're going to do a couple questions here. I guess dead questions, the opposite of our live ones. Yeah, undead questions. Our show at PodCon was ended up being kind of short and we had some issues during the audience questions. And so we're going to try instead of delivering you a 35-minute long podcast, we're going to fill for time, as they say, in TV business. Do we have a question, Justin? I got a question for you. I work for a very small company. My boss loves going on cruises.

My husband and I are well-traveled, but when my boss learned we had never been on one, he gifted us a trip with himself and his wife on a cruise to the Bahamas as a Christmas bonus. Man, it was a fine enough trip. But my husband and I decided we are not cruise people and we would not like to repeat. Oh, you went. Dang, you went, huh? Okay. But my boss had so much fun. He keeps telling me that he can't wait for another annual winter trip with us. This fucking guy. This fucking guy. He already did the biggest worst thing and he's looking for a traditional repeat, gross brothers. How do I kindly let down this generous offer and ask for a different form of Christmas bonus? That's from Maroon in Michigan and I think I stood for all of us and I said,

well, holy fucking shit. Yeah. Are you fucking with me right now? I cannot imagine more of a set up spike than like, I got you a cruise with me. This seems like the makings of the next Bad Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly feature film. I feel like this seems like the plot of a film more than it does a real thing. Wasn't this like an Adam Sandler Drew Barrymore thing or it's like you're going to go on a trip, but you got to go with this person. I think it's called Flipped. Flipped. Flipped the trip. Flipped our Africa trip. Yeah. I think it's called Flipped. I think it's called Flipped. If you say enough now, it's eventually you will say the name of a Drew Carey Adam Sandler. Drew Barrymore film. Drew Careymore. Drew Careymore is the name.

That's their celebrity couple name. Here's what you do. I have a pitch and it's going to take a little bit of acting, but I think you can do it. You're going to make direct eye contact with your boss and say in the interim since the last cruise, which oh yes, you did have a wonderful time, but in the interim you watched on the same night Pirates of the Caribbean and Captain Phillips and now you can never go on a ship again. Are you equating the events of those two movies in any way Travis? Pirates take over a ship Griffin. I don't know. Maybe they have a little bit in common. Maybe they have a little in common. It's not in terms of whimsy. They don't. They're whimsy sort of meters are on completely different sides of the spectrum. I haven't seen Captain

Phillips. No, I have to apologize. Also, if you're getting any background noise on my feed, the Ocean's Eleven guys are here and they're trying to steal my whole house. Oh, that's another one you could say. That doesn't take place on a cruise ship, but you're just afraid of general crime at this part. Maybe there's a casino on the cruise ship. I think fear based is the way you're going to want to go. We need to step into this question because we're having a lot of fun here, but we need to get our hands fucking dirty and decide what this person is going to do. We're making goof-em-ups and we're talking about Captain Phillips and stuff, but we really, really need to get bone deep in this one, I feel like.

Maybe, ooh, is there a patsy in your office that you can be like, listen, I can't take all the cruise fun. Sharon was saying the other day how much she loves cruises. Maybe she and her partner want to go with you this year and you make it like a rotating, oh, like employee of the year bonus and then you do a shitty job. You do a horrible job. Probably not. I don't think that one would work honestly because I think that he's crazy for cruises with you. Just wild for him. Maybe you could go one more time, but really tank this one. Oh. Like you eat all the shrimp and you forgot your sandals so you have to like wear business shoes to the pool. So this is the script for Dude Cruise 2, which is the second one with Will and John, and they are getting

together on this one, but this time they want to have a bad cruise because in Dude Cruise 1, they had a great time. They met their wives, Crab grabbed onto Will's peatness, and in this one. Put it in a good way. You saw that in the trailer. Good for me as the viewer if you heard how funny it was, but in this one, two crabs get on there, but they have a bad time in Dude Cruise 2. Something's gone sour on the seven seas. It's a long poster. It's a wide screen sort of landscape poster. Our first landscape poster. Film historians all agree that the first ever landscape poster was for Dude Cruise 2. Sorry, what was the subtitle of the film again? Something's gone sour on the seven seas. I believe that's correct. Yes. Now Griffin,

are you saying that they're going to have a bad time because it's a bad time or that the movie wants us, the audience, to stop coming to the Dude Cruise movies so they can stop it? Oh, it's like a sabotage. I don't even think they could pull that off. There's nothing they could do on that screen that would make me not come back for the next one. For Dude Cruise 3, Cruise to the Moon. I'm just tantalized by the idea of three crabs hanging off of Will Ferrell's ruined member. How many more crabs can he put on there? Yeah, sure, I got one here. This one was sent in by several people. Thanks everyone. It's from Yahoo Answers user Ginny who asks, cat smelled my vape? Is that okay? I was playing around with my vape and my cat was beside me. It was turned on

and my cat, the vape, I assume, was turned on. It was turned on and my cat came over and smelled it directly in front of the mouthpiece. I didn't know if it was bad for cats until I did some research after. Now I'm really concerned if the cat going to be okay. So the concern is that in smelling it, it was ripping mad cotton. It was so close to the carb or whatever and did what I do when it's time for me to do my tricks at the street corner. I didn't see any of that delicious fog come out of the cat, but maybe it was just, you know. Or maybe it's still holding. It's still and so like three weeks from now, you're going to open up the can of fancy feast and he's just going to look up at you like, fuck you, Denny. You said I couldn't rip. Crank it.

That's possible. Then that's not good. I don't think you're supposed to keep that stuff in there that long. Do they make special vape juice for cats? Or like catnip. Imagine that. Like I breathe out just a mad cloud and my cats just like, I love it and there's my cat like swirling around in it. Having a good old time. And I'm dead because I inhaled catnip, but he loves your corpse. I don't think you need to make it more addictive for cats. Cats are already so prone to get addicted to vaping. I don't feel like you want to make it taste like something that. Actually, I don't know. Is it taste? I don't know what drives me so wild about catnip. Honestly, I'm not sure the mechanics. I think it's just that it's forbidden. Yeah. Is it forbidden? Okay.

That's how they know. Because it's still a schedule one drug. So when cats get the chance to get catnip, they just go, fuck and crazy because they're like, who knows them? I'll get more catnip. I don't have a car or a job. If we were to develop a brand of vape juice, accessories, carbs, turbo, turbo batteries and what have you, tanks and all of it, I'm thinking specifically of the juices and the flavors were designed so that humans and cats could both enjoy it. So you and your buddy could pass them back and forth, right? Because like, I don't want to give a huff of, you know, strawberries, sex or whatever I'm huffing today over to over to the kitty, because it might be, they might not enjoy it. But I don't want to have the stinky tuna like

Travis suggested in my mouth. So what's the, what's the compromise here? So you're talking about what's the flavor or what's the brand name? What's the flavor? I don't know. I'll think of the brand name later. This is Mbemban. Maybe Saucer of Milk. 90 people will tweet at us with the brand name. You know what? I like cream. Kitty like cream. Cream vape is not good for me, I think. Kitty like, kitty like cream. Kitty like cream? Yeah, sure. I don't want milk. I don't like any sort of milk in my favor. I love a creamy round vanilla cream. Or just a cream. I'll lap it up. Lap it up is, oh, lap it up would be a good name for a brand. This is challenging. It's challenging what you say. Oh, okay. Lap it up. What if, can I just, can we just put cream

in the tank? Mm-hmm. The problem is you can only do that once. Gotta crank your ohms. Yeah. Good ohms, though, to get you that cream. I got 1.21 gigawatts. Don't worry about it. Is there a way, I love Star Trek jokes, but that is actually going to start a fire in your mouth and I don't think you should try to vape cream. Is there a way to have a flavor that when the cat tastes it, tastes like they've killed a mouse, but when I taste it, tastes like the piece of mind I have knowing that my kitty kills the mice. That was the most abstract thought that has ever been communicated via this podcast. Or the English language. That was the most challenging abstract thought I've ever heard on this. Exactly. Listen, what I make is art and

it's up to your interpretation. I'm not here to tell you how to feel about the complicated idea I just laid before you. Yeah. You look at it, you sit on that bench, maybe you try to draw it for your art class, you do a shitty job because you're not where I am. Yeah. That's my art. Travis is like Jackson Pollock, but instead of paint diarrhea, it's like thought diarrhea. That's correct. Lap it up. Jesus also lasagna flavor. Oh, nailed it. Go. Two things are those. I work at an escape room. For the most part, I love my job. Real quick, I got to place an embargo right here. We can't talk about the cool escape rooms we've gone on because that'll take 25 minutes. Okay, continue. We'll save that for the after show,

but I will say that if you come to the Lost Escape Room in Huntington, your area, our dad is in like three of them in like the videos. It's not in the room. He might be in the room, but he is in the video. Please free our daddy from the escape room. Tell no one. I think he's a private detective. It's amazing. Anyway, I love my job, but I really struggle when teams who are very terrible at the whole thing ask how they did. Usually I mumble some nonsense about how they solved a particular puzzle. I fear it's very obvious. I'm grasping at straws. What's the convenient line I can use for these hapless dummies? Ask me this dreaded question. That's from artisanal escape in Astoria.

What kind of person do you have to be to be to do a very bad job and lose an escape room, but then honestly be like, how'd I do? Like, well, hypothetically, you would have died in there if that was a real room so bad. I mean, you lie, but you need to do so while making eye contact with the actually good people in that group who I guarantee are 50 times more frustrated than you are at that moment. Right. Or go the other way and be like, you're the only one who really solved it. Remember how you became so focused on that lamp and everybody else told you that the lamp was nothing and to leave the lamp alone because you spent 20 minutes on the lamp and it was just a lamp? You were right. You were right. It was the lamp. Remember when you walked

in and the lamp was the room? Do you remember when you walked over and you knocked all the chess pieces off the board, making the entire room mud solvable for everyone? That was so smart. That was so smart and cool. Do you remember when you ate one of the cookies that was on the plate and the number of cookies answered how to get out of the room? Do you really told you not to fool with the outlets or the vents and you unscrewed that one vent with your keys and tried to climb in it like you're on the plane? Your arm and head got stuck and we go to the fire department and they had to come apply you out with the jaws of life and you lost your pinky finger. That was actually your very close. You were so close. You were supposed to lose your thumb.

There was a key. You just reached a little farther. There was a key. And when you kept loudly suggesting that if everyone just kept farting at the same time, the pressure would blow the front door wide open, you're the only one. And good news, now you're the puzzle master. Wouldn't it be fun to have a puzzle escape room where at the end of it they lost and you say, well, did you pry the power outlets off the wall? They said no. You told us specifically not to do that. It's like, huh, well, twist. I guess you still learned a little something today. Nothing is what it seems. Nothing is what it seems. I also said nothing is what it seems. I haven't loved it. Wouldn't you guys fucking love to make up an escape room? I think it would be so

fun. I think I would, but then I would be so met like I would be watching on the monitors and they solve a puzzle that I thought was really hard, but they do it in like 30 seconds and I just like go down there. But no, you don't appreciate this enough. Leave. You're done. You escaped. You're rushing for it. Gotta enjoy it. Save the lock. Did you smell the puzzle? I did a good job. I don't know why the escape rooms have to only challenge the mind. Yes. I like why not have a big oiled man in the final standing between you and the actual open door out of the place. So you open, look, you need a fresh, fresh arrow waiting. You connect the dots. You turn off the light. You use the black light to find the four numbers

to turn the key to swallow the cat to eat the fly. And you open the door to the final lock. And there's a sign above it that says fight the man. Fight the man. Fight the man for clue. Fight man for freedom. And sitting next to him is a six for the party sob. You have to finish before you can get out the fight. Yeah. Eating, eating, mind, body, stomach, everything. Fight man, clue. Maybe just a challenging concept. Like, and what do you think about the idea of faith? And you're like, oh, shit. Okay. The clues in the man. Unlock man. Unlock man, fight clue. Use clue on man. Use carat on man. Aw, man ain't carat. I like to stand at escape rooms and just say west. West, west. Use door. Damn it. Use note on door.

Fight, fight man. That's good. If you try hug man, you would have had it. Yeah, you didn't actually. Love was the answer the whole time. Love man. Love self. Debate him about climate change. It wasn't a physical fight. God, he's a scientist who takes care of himself. He's just an in-shape scientist. What about your preconceived notions? Maybe that was the true challenge. Folks, thank you so much for listening to our podcast. We got a little bit more for you. Live from our live appearance at podcast convention too. Thanks again for coming out to it. And thank you to everyone we met there who was so very nice. We had a great time. We hope you did too. So that's going to do it for us folks. So let's get without any further ado, let's get

back into the show. Hello, my name is Taylor. My pronouns are she, her. Hi. Hi, Taylor. Hello. Okay, so I have a new boss at my office shop and her and one of my co-workers do not get along. Sometimes they'll go into my boss's office and they like to have, I guess, quiet arguments. So my question is what's the best way to eavesdrop? Okay. So that I can, because sometimes you can just hear them because they're loud enough, but other times it's like standing in my co-worker's doorway that's next to theirs. Okay. You got to have, you got to have the juice. Right. Got it. Okay. And what is your, your name and question? Hi, my name is Lisa. Lisa. Yeah, pronoun she, her. My friend set me up with her fiance's cousin. Oh, thank God you finished that.

And on that setup, he threw up on my shoes and feet. She's planning on sitting me next to him at her wedding. How do I interact or get away from that? Did the gate go well other one? No, no. It was a real prince charming. There was one part. I want to do that question very badly because again, I don't know the best way to tell you to install a bug in your boss's office. That's going to sound ethical. I would, I would actually try just like walking past and just say like King ladder, please or ooh, ooh, ooh. Okay. Wait, hold on. I can help very quickly. Whisper into their ear as they're talking to that. Can I just take a moment? They said the meanest thing just a second ago. You would not believe it and try to

make them angrier because if they're like really starting up, they might get a little deeper or just lean in and go, what are you arguing about? Hey, I want them writing it down. I learned shorthand for this HR says I have to hear all of that happened once we had to call HR down because they were yelling very loudly and it was disturbing other people. That's why they whisper now. Okay. Yeah. Tell them it's just tell them you're on a special HR mission and you have to listen to everything. Tell them HR said this was too quiet now. They had to find a middle ground. Right. Does that help? Yeah, thank you. Thank you. And then I want to, I want to address the other one too. You asked what to do in that situation. I think the first thing you need to do is cheat

a little bit to the right with the way that you're sitting next to this, next to this person. I say that they're probably, can I say something? They're probably not going to barf on you again. And you know, here's the wonderful thing about social anxiety. I bet they're more nervous than you are. I'd hope so. They were my favorite shoes. What? They were my favorite shoes and suede. Oh, no. Did they refund like pay for the shoes? No, he texted me the next day and I just never responded. Yeah. Well, you made the right choice there, I think. Although what a story that would have been. Yeah. How did you meet? Well, I wasn't sure first, but it's what's inside that counts.

Does that help? Definitely. Yeah. Okay, excellent. Uh, folks, thank you so much for coming to our podcast. My brother, my brother and me. If you would like some merchandise based on our program, there are t-shirts and pins, some of which like pins you can't get online anymore over at the DFTBA booth over there. So go get them. Get it. It's Apple time. Apple time, folks. Apple time. Also, we have some more like fanning panels and meet and greets and stuff that we're doing tomorrow here at Botcon. Yes. But everybody does. So just go to the one. Check out everyone else's stuff. Thank you all so much for coming. Like, this is wonderful. Yeah, this is incredible. Thank you. Thank you to

Maximum Fun for having us on the network. Maximum Fun is a great place for us to do our thousand podcasts, and we are very appreciative of them. And to John Rodrick and the Long Winters for these four theme songs. It's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. Every week on My Brother, My Brother, Me, Griffin has like a final- Don't exit yet. Wait. Hold on. There's still more goof. There's lots of good stuff coming. I mean, if you all need to go, please go ahead. Just don't start a stand- And leave me some pizza. There's the last question that Griffin says, and then we pretend like we're going to talk about it

later. Here it comes. This one was sent in by Sid Ross. Thank you, Sid. It's an anonymous who answers user who I'm going to call. Jameson asks, does anyone else crush up Pringles, pour some on the lid, and then eat them like a pet licking water from a bowl? Or is that just me? My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. And my brother, My Brother, Me, Kiss Your Dad Square on the lips! Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hi, I'm Allie Gertz. And I'm Julia Prescott. And we're the hosts of Everything's Coming Up Simpsons. Every episode, we cover a different episode of The Simpsons

that is a favorite of our special guests. We've had guests that are showrunners and writers and voice actors like Nancy Cartwright. I got a D minus, I passed! And we've also had people that are on the Maximum Fun Network already. We've had Weird Owl Yankovic on the show. I was just struck by how sharp the writing is. I mean, that's no surprise because it's The Simpsons, but I mean, you can't say that about a lot of TV shows, particularly ones that at that point had been on the air for 14 years. Find us on Maximumfun.org, iTunes, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, I'll smell you later.