My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 446: Face 2 Face: The Cupture

Episode Date: February 12, 2019

Here’s our live show, presented before a profoundly rowdy Birmingham audience, in which sensitive issues are discussed. Drink deeply of this episode, lapping its precious nutrients out of the palm of our upturned hands.

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Welcome to my brother. My brother made a advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle's brother, Travis McElroy. And I'm your sweet baby brother in 30 under 30 media luminary Griffin McElroy.

Did you burp in the middle of your name? I didn't burp. I got scared by the sound of my own amplified voice. That's never happened. This is my brother, a trained capuchin monkey. This is like the Chilean miners we have re-emerged here in the beautiful land of Alabama. I haven't been out here since the 70s. Did some things. Us and the Eagles, Steely Dan. You playing some candy crush over there, bud? No, no, no. I'm loading up my notes for the show. I have a lot of notes to mention. So this is a beautiful theater that you people. This is unprecedented. Unprecedented. And very, very encouraging. You people have managed to

purchase exactly 69% of the seats in this day. Now, thank you for coming out, but also you nasty. You nasty. How the how the fuck did you guys coordinate that? As an artist who makes their living this way, when we saw, nice thing, you're nice. Nice, nice, nice, nice. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry. Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice. As an artist who makes their living this way, obviously when we saw the 60% of the seats were sold, it's kind of like, oh man, that's a bummer. Now, when we got to 65 with like three days left, we're like, well, let's all pump the brakes a little bit. Let's not go too wild. Maybe we're gonna, but you don't even want to say it. Right, right. You can't jinx it when you're about to

throw a perfect game. I have to imagine we got to 69% and then like maybe one of your friends was like, I think I'll go to you and you're like, no, no, you slashed our tires. Stay at home, Jeremy. You should call Jeremy now though and say like, yeah, now come. Listen, things got out of hand. I just went by the dad. I realized that's unprofessional now, looking back on it. Bye daddy. Bye daddy. We love you. Bye daddy. He doesn't enjoy the show anymore. It's all about the money for Clinton. It's all about the money he got. We have to pay him an appearance fee. He got his $73 and he is out the door. So this is an advice show. Yes, traditionally. Take your questions and turn them out. We'll be like into wisdom. My son loves watching

video game speed runs and boss rushes online. Yes. Yeah. He loves the games I play. And recently he has started giving me spoilers for these video games by watching boss rushes when I am gone and then telling me what is going to happen while I'm playing them for the first time. How do I avoid spoilers on games I play when he gets so excited he watches ahead and has no filter that's from befuddled in Bama. Are you here? Hello. All right. So your child has become like the embodiment of like a Nintendo helpline. But if the Nintendo helpline called you, I was like, Hey, is this Steve? Yeah. He has a second form. Oh no. Your child's YouTube. What's up fam? This is Dylan coming at you. Please don't say that to me, Dylan. Please. Just dad is fine. What's up fam? Yes,

I guess I'm technically your family. I'm your father, please. Got all the hot strats for the end of Red Dead Redemption 2. Dylan? No. Dylan? No. I'm 20 hours in Dylan. The horse did it. No. Dylan, dammit. Man, that game's so wild at the end when the horse pulls out a gun. It looks like this is the end of our journey, Red Dead. Yeah. Anyway fam, don't forget to smash that like and subscribe button. God damn it, Dylan. Go to Ben. Don't forget to support me on Patreon. Fuck you. I buy you dinner and clothes. Dylan? So your son's probably way better than that. Also, you should be letting your son play the video games while you spoil them for him. Maybe you're someone like to play, so he's just like spoiling them for you so you'll lose interest.

That's why you got to get into Fortnite. You can't spoil that, except unless you tell me, Griffin, you're not going to understand anything sort of culturally relevant for the next sort of couple of years there. How about a Yahoo! Answer from the Yahoo! Answer. This one was sent in by several people. Thank you, several people. It's an anonymous Yahoo! Answers user who I'm going to name Percy, who asks, is it illegal to combine two sauces and sell it as your own creation? Update. Two different sauces. Not much of an update. It's not even a clarifying game show. The only additional word is different. Like yes, you could not combine ketchup and ketchup and call it your own. Update. Two different sauces,

like for example, you go by Newman's Ranch and combine it with Baby Jane's Barbecue and you sell the end result product as your own to a toilet. I'm assuming. That's who you would sell that to. Every sauce begins this way. All the great sauces. You take ketchup, for example. That was just tomato sauce and also vinegar that they mixed together to get that. You take mayonnaise. That was egg sauce and oil sauce. They blended together to get mayonnaise. I can't even eat a hot dog without egg sauce on it. It might sound like a New England thing. You got to get egg sauce. You got to get egg sauce on your dog. Oh, you're in Nor'easter. In Nor'easter, you got to get a good egg sauce. Get some. Bastards. Get some. Hey, we're in the south. Let's make fun of the north some more.

Yeah. Get a little side of schmutz. What if you were watching Julia Child and she was like, I'm going to put the oil sauce in the pan. Is that the really hot plate with the handle on it? I'm going to put oil sauce in there. You know on the burn box. You know you put the oil sauce on the hot plate on the burn box. How about you square milk? Do you eat butter, Julia? And then I'll put it in my teeth hole. My teeth hole where the teeth live? I don't know the answer to this question. The thing is that at some point, everybody has combined every sauce and called it their own. There is only one true sauce and it's like lava. Lava is earth sauce. Earth sauce. It's the only natural sauce. It's the only naturally occurring hot sauce.

Yeah. The hottest sauce. Very, very hot sauce. Pompeii went up and they were just like, guys, chill. It's just earth sauce. It's just earth. He could use something. Earth slathering us up with its delicious sauce. You would go to jail. I think that Newman and his cohorts would do some DNA testing on it, send it to 23andMe and say like, this is our shit. Yeah. Throw it into a fucking centrifuge. Yeah. Separate out the ranch. Yeah. Came from our ranch. Now, what if I so completely stealthed it and I did like Heinz-Mayonnaise with Cool Whip and I combined those together and called it bad Cool Whip. Not Cool Whip. Shit. What if I said Cool Whip and Miracle Whip and I put them together and I just called it Cool Miracle. I call it or simply all Whip. Now, I do like the

idea of like we had a ketchup and mustard and Miracle Whip and basically everything we could grab on the shelf and it's called All Sauce. That's called High School Cafeteria Dare. But if I take Mayo and Mayo and mix it together and I'm saying this is Griffin's new Good Mayo, it has all the best parts of Heinz-Mayonnaise and also Miracle Whip and they're never going to know because I won't say that last part. This is like, but this is every sauce. Like every sauce that you dip like Tatoe Slammers in it teach you how Fridays. It's like mustard mayonnaise. Let's get the hell out of here. I have learned that from watching Diners, Drivens, and Dives that it is honestly stop, stop, stop, stop. Why? Because sometimes you're hungover. It's 2 a.m. in a hotel

room and it's the only thing on and it honestly is like, well, the secret ingredient is this big tub of some kind. He's got this big tub of junk in the back and he won't tell me what it is. It's ketchup and mayo and probably some relish guy and sugar. How about another question from your... Oh man, I closed my damn iPad. Why did you do just one question tonight, gang? I was so enraptured by your... That's going to do it for us. I'm giving my life. I've recently started a mural commission for a guy's Akita Studio. Important clarification from me, the oldest brother, Justin Macaroy. This is guy's possessive, not, you know, an Akita Studio for the guy. The G is also lowercase. This is not Guy Fieri. It's Akita Studio. Wow, can I just say what a beautiful pronunciation.

Thank you very much. I've been watching a lot of Diners, Drivens, and Dives. Also... Wait, stop the podcast. Why... He's also, as we all know, a Krav Maga guy, so... That's why he keeps his eyes on the back of his head. Exactly. So he's always ready for the attack. Yes. He has two sets of eyes. It's not important. These are my new Crave Maga for eyes. You're going to love these things. Oh no, Justin broke himself. I broke... Yeah, I recently started a mural commission for a guy's Akita Studio. I met up once with him already and within five minutes he started to get out the mat to insist on teaching me some moves. I am but a humble artist. And also, I don't have much interest in wrestling this stranger. How do I get him to stop? That's

from the anti-rassler. Are you here? All right. Okay, you don't want to wrestle this stranger, but maybe you want to wrestle a future friend. All strangers are just people you haven't wrestled yet. That's what my wrestling coach used to say before he went to jail. How can you expect to paint Akito when you do not understand Akito or have even done the base level? What if you go in and your mural is like two cybernetic ninjas stabbing each other? Like, is this anything? Is this Akito? I couldn't be bothered to learn. I've only played 30 seconds of Mortal Kombat, so I'm guessing. Yeah, that's two jacks from Mortal Kombat, friend. You've done a bad job. Akito, there's a lot of roles in Akito. I took two Akito classes in college, so I'm common

expert. Okay. I would say, yeah, compared to the other two people on stage with you, you're doing great. I had to do Tiger Leaps over some foam pads. It was pretty clear quickly that this was not my martial art because it was sort of an entry-level number of pads that I had to jump over, and I did enter. I did not exit, so my level kind of stayed right there on top of the pads. I think you've got to somehow, he's throwing down the gauntlet, I feel like. You need to somehow prove the deadliness of your painting abilities, and I'm saying this out loud and realizing now that paintbrushes are not that sort of sharp. There's plenty of ways. Well, when you get them in their fret or let the paint dry in them, you can fuck somebody up with those. You could go in the room

early and paint a bunch of yourself all over the walls, and then just hide in different positions, and when the moment's right, shoot him with a gun. My only weakness. Oh no. The one thing I can't throw, a bullet. You could paint a picture of the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to him, and then when he's distracted by that, he's like looking at it, simply like, oh my god, my pants really did pop pop. That's the sound of you shooting him with a gun. Yeah. Sorry, I couldn't think of a way to close the deal. Yeah, sure. With art. Just make sure you submit that invoice first. I have a yahoo here that I'm so excited about. It's sent in by the

delivery man Seth Carlson. Thank you, Seth. It's sent in so many bangers. It's from Yahoo Answers user Chris, who's been a member since January 17th, 2019. I didn't know there were new users to this service. I have to imagine most of them are coming from this podcast. Chris asks, why haven't other animals been as generous as lizards in their evolution? What? Animals need to eat other animals to live, but animals need to stay alive. And lizards developing the ability to lose their tail is a good compromise. Lizard, lizard stays alive, bird gets yum yum tail. It's true. It's true. Lizards can't fault the logic. Lizards are the only nice animals on the

planet, maybe? I think so. Disgis. It's, um, okay, I will say that this would remove from me one of my like most common guilt points in life, which is watching any documentary about animals. Yes. I'm like, I always want the analyst to survive that's being chased. If the pig's belly would just fall off and then would regrow naturally. I think my take on it would change if like you showed like the snake chasing the thing and the thing got away and then you just follow the snake for the next like week as it just got like sadder and sadder about missing. And I'm like, no, you know what? Next time I hope that mouse fucking dies. That's a sad ass snake. Am I not generous to the animals of earth with my body or do the animals of earth need to learn to like nail clippings in

hair? Because I got that. If you guys want to eat that, I got it. I like the implication of this question that way the way back in history, a lizard was being chased by a bird, the lizard tucked his tail in and got away and then thought, that was mean. I should have let him eat my butt. You know what? Next time I'm gonna let him eat my butt. The lizard, it feels good for the tail to come off. It's like getting a hair. It's got a lot of bad tattoos on it. A lot of bad memories with that tail. It's funny. And it probably makes a silly noise. Yeah. I've never been close enough to find out. Yeah. Do you think lizards are ever like, honey, there's so much jelly on your tail right now. And it is really disgusting and trafficking off flies. And the lizard is like,

what's the point? I could clean it off, but it's just gonna fall off your skin. Are they just flexed? I'll just leave it. Hold on. Let me flex my butt and try to get my tail to slam the door on it. Hey honey, do you know any hawks? What about the neighbors? We haven't had them over for dinner in a while. Come over and eat my butt. It's only generous. It's the least we could do. I'm gonna tie the end of my tail to that door and you gotta just slam it real fast. What about eggs? Right? Chickens like eggs. Yes. Okay. Yes. And you can eat those, right? That's generous. I'm almost positive lizards lay eggs too, though. So they still got them one up. Yeah. Until a chicken's butt can fall off and grow back. It's hard for them to

beat lizards. Tails, eggs, milk. What can't lizards do for us? Wait, hold on. At least one of those out of their lizard nibbles. Or is that the milk the lizard buys and then gives to somebody else? Hey, I got some milk. Use this milk to wash down my butt. Oh, stuck in your teeth there, friend. I got you. I got you. Where is that? For real though. Okay. Where's the new tail even come from? One of their arms gets shorter. It's like bugs and stuff, right? The lizard will eat bugs and stuff and then make a new tail out of it. So when they say what you make teeth out of cereal and carrots, right? You eat cereal, carrots

and turn them into teeth. You know. You know. Science. I can't believe you told everybody about my secret breakfast time treat. You eat a lot of Ritz crackers and Capri Suns and it turns into wrist. Same thing. Oh, my hair keeps getting longer because I keep eating all this butter. I just got a new job at a call center here in town that has a lot of perks such as a gym. Poor lizards, man. They got it rough, huh? Well, if I don't really thought about their plight. What if their tail comes off and they're like, that was a great tail. I love that tail. God damn it. My Peter Capaldi tail was my favorite. A lot of perks at this new job such as gym, free meals and a ton of discounts. Another perk is that we get a fully stocked self-service wet bar

that employees could just go to. What is this place of business? I don't know. It sounds cool. A call center? A call center. A chill call center for laid back people. It's a stressful job taking calls from piss off customers all day. And I just need to know when it's appropriate to go to the well. If you know what I mean. Yeah, we do. We do. You mentioned it a sentence ago. Yeah, one sentence. Also, it would help if you could help me dodge the awkward eye contact from my new coworkers. That's from boozy and Birmingham. Are you here? Okay. So you're dressed. This one's we're just going to put this time to dunk. I'm really glad that I want to say one thing before we get started. I think it sucks that because of stuff like salad bars, we have to call real bars wet bars.

It does sound like an unfortunate something like you go over like, oh, there's a wet bar. You know, the one with liquids at it as opposed to like pizza and dessert pizza, CC's pizza. I think it's a very good thing that it is a self service bar because otherwise the idea of like, and now there's just a person in the room where you do work who's not working but waiting for you to stop working to come over and like, Hey, you love Thursday. Yeah, I'm bored. We had an experience like this one time. Oh my God, we can we not say the name of the city. Let's not put because it was not it was incredibly nice. It was incredibly nice. Yeah. They like made us dinner backstage, which is so good. Just don't that doesn't really happen. They made us dinner, but they also

had and this is going to sound like kind of schmaltzy at first. And it was we did not request this. We asked for like rich crackers and milk and some beers and lizard butts and lizard butts. Because they're just laying around. They had and they just for a barista back there making coffees for everybody. But it's just the three of us. And I was also really sick. So it's just like this guy just stands there staring at Travis and Griffin, who by 30 minutes of showtime are like this. Yeah, because of the social anxiety, they want to make this guy feel he would say across the room like, Are you sure you don't want anything? And they're like, Oh, yeah, are you good on coffee? All right. They also had a huge record collection and a record player. So

then there's the anxiety point there, too, of like, let me put on some cool tunes for my new friend. And they asked, like, what's a cool record you want to listen to? And I believe Griffin said, whatever you want to listen to. Do you like? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the thing about this is this is a trap. Yeah, service wet bar. If you walk behind it, you just like fall through a trap door into unemployment. Yeah. If you if you upturn one of these bottles, a pink slip falls out. It's like, Oh, man. Here's a yahoo that was sent in by the delivery man, Seth Carlson. Thank you, Seth. It's yahoo answers user. Holy shit. It's Chris again. It's the same Chris, January 17 2019. Chris, are you here? It's Chris. Chris asks,

What if every cup ever disappeared? Now wait, hold on, hold on. Really think about it. What if every cup ever disappeared? Holy shit. First thing, soccer and hockey, boring, anti climatic. I would also say last supper, that's out. That's gone. Soccer and hockey, anti climatic. Most other sports where balls travel at high velocities, much more exciting. Yeah. Danger, ratchet it up. No cups. No cup. See, hi. It's fun. It's kind of a fun twist on the thing. Do you think the hunt for the Holy Grail over? Done. Do we now, does this mean that now it's just called Jesus's cool bowl? That cool plate Jesus made, probably. Is it a thing of like, we've never known about cups,

or like we all now said. We knew of them, we knew of them, but if you make a new one, it turns to ash in your hands. Yes. I think it's, there will be two flash points, much like the rapture, the cup sure there'll be two flash points. The one will be when I'm drinking my nice red wine over my nice new white linen pants, and then both of those things aren't true anymore. Right. And then also having to rebuild society when all the cups are gone. That we can't, so we can no longer make cups. It's not just like cups are gone. You make a cup, it turns to ash. These are the rules. So like you would have to just like, if you were at a bar, just like stick your head under the tap, or just like, oh,

just put taps on the wall, insert a dollar, or your time is done. I'll have a whiskey straight up and another for my gentleman friend here. And then you just extend both of your hands. I want to do it in the mic just to get a really good clean. Did you, uh, did you hear what happened to Susan? It's crazy. Hey, I just want to tell you, I'm having a really great time tonight. I'd love if we could do this again. Anyway, here's to Mark and Susan, best friends ever. May their marriage continue on in perpetuity and perfect happiness. A cheers at that point would just be a very messy high five. And you know, now that he's gone, I just don't know how I'll be able to continue on.

So I'll have another. So anyway, I've turned through prayer. I've turned this wine into the blood of Jesus. I'm just going to clip the end of this Ziploc baggie and I'll ask you to in turn just kind of gerbil style if you could not double your lips on it. It's cold and flu season. Please folks, be smart. Just hold, just hold the wafer up and I'm going to just pump this super soaker and just like get, get psyched. It's about to get wet and wild up in here. So, um, did you need a urine sample? No. We didn't. You look trustworthy. You're fine. There's a best answer, only answer on here from cat lover who says that'd be bad. And the ask, the asker fucking Chris, he gave that'd be bad one out of five stars to asker rating.

I know it'd be bad. Fucking mad lad, Chris. I love this dude. I'm going to check his whole history. Get that, get that full sound cloud up. Yeah. Oh, he's pretty good. He's asked a lot of questions since January 17. Oh, hey, he sure, he's been busy. What would it be like if Shrek had a brother? Yes. Yes. He read my fan fiction. What if he had two brothers, two younger brothers? I think it'd go a little something like this. Come on, fellas. Would it be illegal to set up Burger King for a lawsuit? Chris, you gotta get that money somehow. Hey everybody, it's Griffin. I'm just going to go ahead and do this money zone by myself. I'm not

scared to do it by myself. A lot of people are saying I seem shaky. I seem nervous because the boys asked me to do this one by myself, but I'm not afraid. I'm so excited and I hope I make you proud of me. My first sponsor that we have is Stamps.com. Stampies are little sticky pieces of paper that have fun images on them. When you put them on your letters and packages and stuff, then it's like a password for the male people to know that it's a good male and therefore it deserves to get to the places that it needs to get to. And here's the rough part. Postage rates, they recently went up again, but thankfully Stamps.com can ease the pain with big old discounts off of post office retail sales. They have all the services

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to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in my brother. That's Stamps.com. Enter my brother all one word. Also want to tell you about Squarespace. Squarespace is the coolest shape zone that I can even think of. And if you go to it, then they're going to help you make a great website. We've used it to make countless websites, some goofy and fun, like a fun joke. But even when they're fun jokes, they look very pretty and beautiful and sexy. And that's what Squarespace does. They let you make websites you can use to showcase your work or announce an upcoming project or special project or upcoming event or special event. And you can promote your physical or online business. You can sell stuff using e-commerce functionality.

They got world class designers making just cranking out fucking constantly cranking out these customizable, beautiful templates. And they got analytics and do they have search engine optimization? That's like asking if they have 24 seven award-winning customer support. Because yes, the answer to both of those. Think it, dream it, make it with Squarespace. Go to Squarespace.com slash my brother for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code my brother all one word to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Oh, hey, we just announced also that we're going to be doing some live shows coming up in April. We are going to be doing Taz Am a Bim Bam in that order on April 2nd and April 3rd in the San Jose. And then April

4th, we're going to be bringing my brother, my brother, me to Salt Lake City. And we're very, very excited to get out there. We haven't been to either of those places before. And we're going to get there and we're going to do our sick twisted brand of goofs and probably get kicked out of town by the cops because of how sick and twisted it is. City Council is going to vote to kick us out because of how just fucked up it's going to be. But yeah, you can find the links to those at McElroy.shows. And we hope that you come out and see us. We'll have all the ticket links there. We are going to put them on sale Friday, February 15th at 10am local time. There's not going to be a presale this time. So 10am local to wherever whichever city you want to go to.

This Friday, February 15th is when tickets are going to go on sale. And yeah, keep an eye out and we'll have stuff up on the website probably by tomorrow or so. So again, Salt Lake City, San Jose, come on out. Thanks to everybody else who came out to our shows in Birmingham and New Orleans. We had a fucking amazing time. Thank you all so much for your hospitality. Yeah, I hope we can get out to more places soon. And I think that's it. Thanks to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. Go to Maximumfun.org. Check out all the great shows there. They got shows like Friendly Fire. They got shows like Beef and Dairy Network. They got shows like One Bad Mother and a bunch more at Maximumfun.org. Again, we have other stuff at McElroy.shows.com.

Again, we got other stuff at McElroy.family. I think I said the old web address earlier. I'm still getting used to it. Growing Pains. This is why I shouldn't be trusted to do this by myself. Oh, and thanks to John Roderick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song and to departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed. It's real good stuff. Okay, here's the rest of the episode. We'll be back with a regular episode next week. So we'll talk to you then. Bye. Greetings. I am Plech Decksetter, contacting you from the Zick Squadron, which is frankly sort of crappy, but I'm here on a heroic mission with my trusty crew, C-53. Heroic feels like an exaggeration. Okay, sure. And security officer, Dar.

Select, don't put me in your stupid recording. Well, we're all traveling aboard our trusty starship, the Vargerian Jade. Bargy. Sorry, I'm awake. I was just flying while asleep. Hey there, this is Alden Ford. I play Plech, and we are so excited to announce that our podcast, Mission to Zicks, is now part of the Maximumfun Network. Our third season launches on Maxfun on March 20th, binge seasons one and two right now. That's Mission to Zicks, ZYXX. Oh man, I love Chris. Hey, you want to say something? Yeah, I'd love to. From your iPad? Yeah, I'll say something from my iPad. Do you have a yahoo you want to do? Here's one from Chris.

Who asks? Does. Are you not going to interrupt me on this one? I just asked for a yahoo. Oh, okay. I'll read another yahoo. Okay. Here's one sitting by the delivery man, Seth Carlson. Thank you, Seth. It's an anonymous yahoo answers user who asks, are you going to interrupt me or not? I was just making that up. I thought for sure you were going to jump in and interrupt me. I'm so uncomfortable. All right. This one is sitting by. This one. The thing I want to do it, I don't feel anything. Okay, sure. Moira sent this one in.

No, no, no. There's no rhythm, no, there's no rhythm. I'm soloing. I gotta start over. Fuck, It's Rubato. I want a munch. One, two, munch. Started way too high. This is a munch squad. It's a podcast with a little podcast. The latest and greatest in fast food innovation.

I had several sort of lined up for the hometown crowd here in Alabama. And this one is a late entry from Wendy's. Wendy's, I feel like it's been a little while since Wendy's started. Yeah, we don't off to get Wendy's a munch pod. But Wendy's beef sub menu. I need you to say that word again, but way slower. Wendy's. Got that word?

Beefs? Up. Menu. Okay. Because beef with three new burgers. Wendy's. God, this one really hurts. Hang in there with me.

Okay. We're going to get through it together and we're not going to get depressed. Okay. We all promise that right now. Okay. We're going to have fun after this, but we do have to get through it. Okay. Let's all take our medicine.

Remember that a person in much the same way that your person wrote this. I need to sit. Hold on. Wendy's new made to crave menu unlocks a whole new world of cheeseburgers made with unforgettable flavors that take crave ability to its peak period. End of sentence. One more time because I think whoever invented language, if they heard this one, they'll be like, I'm just going to go to the park.

Wendy's new made to crave menu unlocks a whole new world of cheeseburgers made with unforgettable flavors that take crave ability to its peak. The new. There have been some really craveable substances on earth before that. That's at its peak. The new made to crave line introduces a trio of cheeseburgers to the fresh never frozen beef family. Sausage and bacon cheeseburger, peppercorn mushroom milk and barbecue cheeseburger.

Did you say Sausage? Well, Travis, this time I said Sausage because it's S apostrophe A with some Sausage. Okay, shut up. All right, shut up. Let's face it. We've been in denial for too long. If nobody else is going to fucking say it, I'll fucking say it. Let's face it, everybody.

Food needs more maximum crave ability. Quickly get hooked on the deliciously different flavors. Wendy's is known for bringing to the table. Deliciously different is capitalized. Bringing to the table, but sometimes these entrant flavors are offered for a limited time. So what? Why did you bring me here, Dave? This was written by DeepMind.

This was written by a machine learning program. This one's scrolled through the QSR web. Uh-oh. Fuck this fucking thing. I think someone's trolling me, honestly. The new and now made to crave offers the same deliciousness as an exclusive menu item, but is here to stay. Let me finish so you can have flavor for days.

Specifically Monday through Sunday all year long. I'm going to read it all together. Let's face it. Foodies want maximum crave ability and quickly get hooked on the deliciously different flavors. Wendy's is known for bringing to the table, but sometimes these entrant flavors are offered for a limited time. Now, made to crave offers the same deliciousness as an exclusive menu item, but is here to stay.

So you can have flavor for days. Specifically Monday through Sunday all year long. I love how that whole paragraph is written with a tone of voice of, is this what you want? Does this make you happy? We don't know anymore. The image of somebody taking a bite out of a very wet hamburger and then saying out loud, this is so delicious.

It must be from June only. You're telling me this is available year round? This is year round. I would like to eat this Monday through Sunday every day of the year. It's Monday through Sunday every day of the year. So Thursday, yeah. I crave this immediately. I have a quote from Kirk Cain, Wendy's executive vice president.

I thought for fucking sure you were going to say from Kirk Cameron. My spiritual dad, Jesus made these burgers and it's awesome. The shape of this burger just proves evolution. The shape of this word proves the devil exists, because awesome was spoken by a human tongue. Quote, there's a reason we named the new menu line made to crave, said Kirk Cain, because it's true. Okay.

But who makes a new cheeseburger line and it's like, we don't want these to be craved. No one will want this. These hamburgers are so undeniably good that made to crave is being integrated as part of our everyday menu. But that's just putting new things on a menu. No, you stupid idiot. They're making craveable options,

peak flavorability for foodies like you to re-enjoy all fring-dong. Yeah. Fucking, none of it means anything. Now they're going to have to train all their employees when somebody's like, yeah, let me get a five piece of chicken nuggets. And then the employees just have to say, fucking idiot. Are you sure? Are you sure?

It's not peak craveability, you dummy. The sauce and bacon cheeseburger. Now you did say bacon. You did just say bacon. You're welcome. Pepper corn, mushroom, melt, and barbecue cheeseburger are individually crafted and available every day. So you can indulge in the flavors you want when you want them.

How wild would it be if the inverse were true? You can involve, you can indulge in the flavors you want when we decide you're damn ready. Can I have the sauce? No. Has baby been a good boy? I don't know, Dave. I mean, I guess.

Yes, Dave, what do you mean, bud? I don't need to read the descriptions of all the things, but I do want to close with the opening line. You're not going to explain to me what sauce them is? There's a lot, just much ketchup. It's got a windy side of sauce and sauce, lathered between a warm and fluffy premium bun. There's meat and shit too, I just skipped to the end.

What kind of raggedy dog-ass buns have you been feeding us this whole time, Dave? Okay, here's the opener for the description of the barbecue cheeseburger, because I know you read, then you're like, what the fuck could that be? Wendy's has long understood what makes barbecue taste so great.

It has done nothing with this information, but we know it. You fucking braggarts. You know, you like barbecue, but you probably don't know why it tastes so great, but we do, fuck off. Wendy's has long understood what makes barbecue taste so great.

Now the barbecue cheeseburger finds that backyard balance of sweet and heat with a touch of smoke. So Wendy's knew, but they didn't want to share it with you, the consumer, until you were damn good and ready for it. But that also kind of sounds like this is someone who just tasted barbecue for the first time and said,

you know what makes this good? Sauce. You know, I think the secret is the sauce. I think the sauce is what makes barbecue good. Hey, is this mayonnaise? No, Dave, it's not. It's barbecue sauce. Oh, shit. That's the secret, right?

Oh, I was right in front of you the whole time. Anyway, I'm going to tell my kids about this. And maybe they'll action the information. I did my will that they can't act on it for 20 years. Yes. Very secret. Too fucking craveable. The world's not ready.

We're not ready. We don't have enough locations. They'll burn us down. Like when those dorks couldn't get that special sauce at McDonald's, we don't need that. We don't need one of those scenarios. Saw some, saw some. So they're lifting the building up and carrying it to the river.

They don't even know what Sausage Sauce is. I'm a real sheep. They're throwing us in the river. As soon as you started chanting, I, like a sheep I am, just joined in the chant. I just love chanting. It's amazing to watch that happen. How quickly I was there.

It's a human. Do you want a yahoo? Yes. Yeah, sure. This one is sent in by the delivery man, Seth Carlson. Thank you, Seth. It's a yahoo answers user.

They're anonymous. So I'm going to call them Dave asks, how can I make a 2004 Honda Accord sexy as shit? How are they allowed to, oh, they've used like a special eye so the yahoo answers filter didn't get them. Put some boobs on it. Travis says,

put some boobs on that 2004 Honda Accord. Why not? Why not do that? I ask. I can think of a few reasons. Aerodynamics. Aerodynamics is not chief among them. That's what truck nuts are all about, right?

Yeah. Trying to make it sexy. I don't know that anybody has ever looked at any nuts and been like, that looks good to me. Damn. I'm pretty sure they're just kind of there. Yeah, I'm pretty sure when someone hangs truck nuts on their car,

they're not like, ah, now people want to have sex with my car. You guys need to read some more of my car's fan fiction. If we have not talked about this before, I will eat my shoe on stage. How do you make a 2004 Honda Accord sexy as shit? Who is the car trying to seduce? I guess that's the question. That's the problem, right?

You got to cover all your bases. Truck nuts. Yabos. Like Travis has suggested. Pictures of, you know, Lola Bunny from Space Jam. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. That's it. I will say that did get the biggest reaction

from our audience of everything we've said so far. Just those three things. Covers the gamut. And teach it Taekwondo. What's that? And teach it Taekwondo. Okay. And teach it Taekwondo.

Because that's something that a lot of people find very attractive. The other three things. A picture of Justin doing a spin kick. Not me, not me, not me, not me, not me, not me. Just like teach the car Taekwondo. Or how to play guitar. Cars can't play guitar. There's no way that makes sense.

We're being redundant. This thing's got Lola Bunny in it. Wait, is Lola Bunny in the car? Yeah, I'm gonna go cash the checks right now. So you get in the car and Lola Bunny's just sitting in it? Yeah. But how? Are we in a cool world scenario?

I'm so glad you asked. No. So then how? This is a fucking joke podcast Travis. We weave magical fantasies. Let the boy have his tapestries. Please Travis. We gotta do audience questions.

We have a handful of audience questions picked out. We're gonna call you down by name and seat number. Can we get house lights turned up? Because I do not know where the microphones are. I see one right there. I got really scared for a second that you weren't gonna say anything. Yeah, what's up? Hi, Douglas.

Hi. So my husband thinks he's allergic to corn. Okay. Is he? Wait, are you asking us? Damn, Douglas. Okay, wait. Damn.

Are you saying that this is a completely untested theory that your husband has? Well, let's not fucking risk it. If he's living a corn-free life. No, no, the food. Douglas does not build up the tolerance to corn. Yeah. Douglas, the facts are these.

The floor is yours. We don't know the facts. Visa V, corn allergens. So he's been having a hard time sleeping at night. And... And you think corn will make it easier for him to sleep? Well, he traced it first to... The night said he had a hard time sleeping,

he would eat a whole bag of Doritos. And hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Somebody, and I don't want to know who, because I will bring the wrath of God down on whoever, which one of the two... Your first thought was, the vegetable that went into these must be bad. Yeah, can't fault you there.

So he stopped doing that. Yeah. And stopped eating Doritos late at night. An entire bag before bed? Yes, an entire bag before bed. Probably in the bed, under the covers, where you can't see and God can't either? Okay.

So then it shifted to on taco night, he then started having trouble sleeping. And he cited the corn tortilla chips. I mean, that's some Dr. House shit right there, I can't. Yeah. Douglas, first off, why is it that when we eat pretty much every meal, it's dinner, but when we have tacos, it's a day?

You know what I'm saying? Anyway, that's my five minutes, everybody, thanks. That's my time. Douglas, I think that your husband should eat some corn. And I don't mean tacos. Okay. And I don't mean Doritos. No, here's what you got.

If I was in a test and see if I'm allergic to potatoes, wouldn't eat Pringles. Yeah, I would just maybe try this one. Corn. Because it's possible that your husband is just allergic to being flavor blasted. Maybe. Take the Doritos, run them under some sink water

for a little bit, then. Now try it. Because he's not going to want to eat them. They're going to look real bad. It's going to be a real spoonful of sugar situation to get those wet guys down. Maybe just try corn. Yeah, just try corn also, it could do it.

Does that help? We did, and he still came to this conclusion. Okay. What kind of reaction did your husband have from the straight, pure from the source? Uncut corn. He just couldn't sleep that night. Okay.

Now when you say couldn't sleep, was he having them corn worries? Yeah. Because sometimes I get them corn worries real bad and I can't sleep either. Travis gets the pain in his corn worries. I get them corn worries going, get a knock on my phone at three in the morning

and then it's my brother telling me he's got them darn corn worries. Hey, it's old Travis and I got them corn worries. Corn worries keeping me awake, troubling my brain with them corn worries. It makes his body sick. Them corn worries. Oh, I got them corn troubles deep down in my belly guts.

Eat their corn worries. Oh, in the heart of my soul, feeling them corn worries. Troubling me. Troubling his dreams. Troubling me right back. Oh no, everybody laughs. Douglas, does that help?

Thank you. That is the least actionable thing we've ever said on the show. Hello. Hello. Who are you? I am Cody. Hi Cody. What's your question? How do I get my dad to stop buttering his toast

with his fingers? Now that was the one sentence you sent us. Are there no additional details? There's got to be other details. Guys, hold on. Devil's advocate, what the fuck else do we need to know? Wait, is it Country Crock? No, we got...

What does your dad say when you're like, a knife? Apparently people can be allergic to corn by just not sleeping. Maybe the dad's allergic to knives. Most people are allergic to knives if you think about it. My only weakness.

Julius Caesar wasn't like, how did you know? Hey though, hey, Cody though, for real? For real? Why? Why does it happen like this? Answer for your dad's crimes, Cody. I think he just doesn't want to do dishes. All right, now your dad's

my fucking absolute dog. Yes! God gave us plates and knives. And cups. Can I say something? I respect this. I do, because I hate that. When I make toast for my daughter

every morning, and there's like one thing that the knife does, and then it has to go in the sink for that? Just good ol' butter? That didn't hurt nobody. Butter don't give no one words. My friend butter? One thing you could try is

give your dad spray butter? Because that tastes... He just sprayed on his fucking fingers. He likes the feel of it now. What about Wolverine Claws? Wolverine Claws. Now he's got the knife baked in. Cody, I once watched my dad

put butter in a pop tart, so... I guess what I'm saying is it could be worse. Your dad could be our dad. Your dad could be our dad. That's your blessing. Does your dad... Hey, we should have asked earlier.

Is your dad nasty? I know. Nobody likes to wonder whether or not their folks are nasty, but there comes a day when everyone must look in that deep, dark truth from here and say, do I have nasty folks? You got a nasty dad? You got a nasty dad?

You can tell me, Cody. This is just us. Close your ears, everybody. Cody's gonna tell me he's got a nasty dad. Don't close your ears. He paid a lot of money for these tickets. You deserve to find out if Cody's dad is nasty or not. Cody, expose your dad.

Show us your dad. Cody? Nasty? Oh, he's nasty. Okay. There's no fixing nasty, Cody. There's no fixing that. Does that help?

You've helped me, Cody. Thank you. Okay, dad. Final question. Hello. My name's Renee. I use she, her pronouns. Hi, Renee. Hello, Renee. I work at a summer camp in Upstate New York. In my first summer there, we were getting

all the cabins ready. I noticed that there were just coffee cans and all the cabins, so I asked my boss what they were for, and he told me that there, in case a bat gets in the building at night, we have to catch it with the coffee can. I thought he was kidding, but he didn't have any requirements.

So we didn't have any bats the first summer, but I'm going back the next summer. So I would like some assistance because I need to know how to catch the bat with just the coffee can and like 10 or so 11-year-olds because if I cannot catch the bat, everyone in the room

has to go on rabies medicine, and I don't want that. Holy shit. You should quit. That's the highest state job I've ever heard. And my sister-in-law is a doctor. Sorry, did you say the CDC

requires it? Yeah, the CDC suggests even if about like swoops by your head you should get rabies. I thought you said the CDC suggested it's chill, keep a coffee can. My understanding is the state of New York requires that.

Do you know there's better things to catch these things? They make nets. There's even a device, the aperture of which is about bat-sized. What they've given you is a fucking carnival game. You're playing fucking minigolf

with a bat. Oh, man. Get the 10-year-olds together. Tell them that the bat knows where to go play Fortnite. And then your job is done. Those little bastards would be flattered around the room. Fill the coffee can

halfway up with lizard tails. Bat flies in. You could lure the bat. What does the bat crave? Fear? Yes. Bugs? Yes. The Joker? The Joker. Could you fill...

Batman. Could you save the bat? I only know one. Could you fill the jar with bugs? He goes into the jar. Hypothetically, yes. What about just a sign on the front door that says bugs are outside?

That's good, but it has to be... In bat. It has to be... Now it has to be bumpy so they can read it with echolocation. Raise letters. Raise letters. No, no, no. They don't have any bugs in there. I know,

because I yelled at it. I yelled at it real good with my voice at ears. Get a fake bat and nail it to the wall. And then when the bat comes in, just point at it. That's you. I did that. You're next. Is there an animal on Earth that, when you look at Google pictures of it,

looks so cute, but then when one just shows up, it's the worst shit in the whole fucking world? Babies. Woof. Rough stuff. I love my daughter very much. Yeah, put that shit on a fucking hot topic T-shirt. Let's start flinging them.

Renee, does that help? Yes, thank you. Folks, this has been so fun. Birmingham, you are a... I'm going to go ahead and say a hoot. Yeah. You know what? And a holler. I could get used to this wild Alabama energy.

This is very good. And hey, just for laughs, if 400 of you wanted to come and kick it to New Orleans, we would love to have... We could probably get like a caravan, like some kind of like car sharing thing. It'll be fun.

If you already have tickets for the New Orleans show, just turn to someone to your left or right and say what it come with. Unless, let us check what percentage we're at. Because if we can pull off the Grand Prix and get all three... Thank you to John Roderick

and the Long Winters for these for our theme song. Thank you to Sawbones and Schmanners for pressing it. Thank you to all of our wives and families without whom's permission we would not be here.

Permissions are weird. I started the sentence and then I couldn't... Without who's blessing? Worse. Thank you to Paul Soporn. Without... Thank you to Amanda who helps us put shows together.

Yes, Amanda, thank you to CA and thank you to this beautiful, beautiful theater and the people who had us here to do a show. It's been super fun. Thank you. Every week on My Brother Me, My Brother Griffin reads a final yahu that we think about and then we come back to the next day

to discuss it. We will be doing that with Sam. Oh wait, we almost forgot the posters. The posters? Holy shit. Please get the posters there. They're so fun. I really love them. Here it comes from Sam. Thank you, Sam. It's Yahu Answers user

Kevin who asks Does peanut butter make boys bigger? My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. Grab a lips!

Now, three Hollywood professionals shall attempt the impossible break a story in one hour. That's right. Here on Storybreak, I, Freddie Wong, Matt Arnold and Will Campos, the creators behind award-winning shows like Video Game High School have one hour to turn a humble idea

into an awesome movie. Now, an awesome movie starts with an awesome title. I chose The Billionaire's Marriage Valley with my most Christmas pregnant paradise. Okay, next we need a protagonist. Mario best described as libertarian Mario. And of course,

every great movie needs a stellar pitch. In order to get to heaven, sometimes you gotta raise a little hell. That's the tagline! Check out Storybreak every week on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.