My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 447: Valentine’s Escape Room

Episode Date: February 18, 2019

You love this episode. Suggested talking points: Love Podcast Episode, Risky Card Reuse, Pepsi’s Vegetables, Little Secrets, Bach Lyrics, Cuisines, Pizzies, References

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother and me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. And I'm your sweet, sensual Valentine's Day brother, not brother, but sensual gentleman, Griffin McElroy, the youngest brother, your brother. Wait, are you, wait, are you, they're

sensual brother? I've got two Ferrero Roches and I've put them in a suggestive sensual position. Um, my nipples. Oh, I figured, listen guys, pause the show. I think that maybe there might be people out there who don't, and we all know that we love Valentine's Day. It's the most important holiday. It's the most sacred holiday. It was the most natural holiday. The most natural holiday, Jesus invented it a long time ago. And so there might be people who don't have a sensual lover, and so they might want some help, like a podcast help with that. And we help with every other thing. I don't see why. And it can be completely platonic, you know what I mean? Like a platonic sensual. Yeah, I do like this though, Griffin, because in the past we've helped people find love.

Yeah. And what if we just cut out the middleman, which is us, and we just were like, hey, we're here for love. Well, I love my wife very, very much. I would never, I would, there would be, there will be no dalliances today, thank you. Yes. But we can, but it's like a make pretend. And listen, if you, here's what I'll do. And I, gosh darn it, we done missed it. This is, I don't know, January or February or whatever day it is when you listen to this. It's not Valentine's Day. But if you want to tell people that I was your Valentine, you can- No, no, no. That's too far. That's too far. That's too far. That's too far? That's too far? Yes. This episode is the, you can say the episode is. Oh, the episode is your, okay. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Hey,

don't lie. Yeah. This episode is your Valentine. Okay. Justin, you want to get a hand on this ball? You're going to sit this way, don't you think? I don't know where the ball is, guys. It's, it's confusing enough that Travis is committing adultery. No, no, no, no. I'm letting people lie about me committing adultery. No, no, we don't even do that. The podcast episode is your sensual friend for today, the most sacred of all the High Holy Days. Griffin, here's my question because the word could mean many different things, but is the, okay, when you say the episode is your Valentine, do you mean like we're walking around the classroom and we're putting this on the envelope you've taped to the front of your desk or this is

the, the podcast is putting a note in the envelope to the front of you. You love, you love the podcast. Yes. That's the end of the sentence. That's the end of the thought. You love the podcast. Now the podcast loves you. You now love the podcast. Oh, finally. It's, it's reciprocated. It's the podcast loves you. Okay. Are you, are you right? I'm, I'm paused. I have these two Ferrero Roches where my nipples are. The podcast nipples. Yeah. And then I'm sitting on a bed of poetry, the episode sitting on a bed of poetry at room for you. Thank you. Yeah. And it's getting the chocolate everywhere. Streaks of it. Streaks of it. No, wait, you said pretty plainly that the chocolate was on your. I did a tumble. I did a tumble. I did a tumble into the paper. That

does sound like something I would see on Tumblr. Come on. No, but Griffin, you're saying you, are you personifying your own body for chocolate delivery? I was wearing a suit with little Velcro Ferrero Roches all over it. And the, do you have to. Like a mocap? And then you have to, yeah, like mocap balls. And then for Valentine's Day as a special treat, you get to run around, try and grab them off me, but I did a tumble into the poetry that the podcast made for you. No, but you're still saying you, Griffin. I thought the podcast was the Valentine. Yeah. But you're saying you were covered in chocolate. The podcast is the one seducing you on the bed of poetry. I'm also there wearing the suit of Ferrero Roches in case you get peckish. So you're just the caterer?

You're literally putonic body food. I'm wearing clothes under the Ferrero Roches. Okay. Okay. For me, it's a fun game where I see if I can, because after five minutes, I get to keep all the Ferrero Roches that you didn't grab. Oh, it's kind of like a big game that capture the flag. It's capture the flag, but it's all of me hazelnut chocolates. Hey, welcome to Wild and Crazy Kids. This week, you got a special game. You're going to grab those chocolate off those people. And if they don't, they eat them. I just, I don't see what the fucking confusion is. We do this every fucking year. Start the metaphor over and don't involve your corporeal form in it. Okay. See if you can do this. Hello. Hi, everybody. Welcome,

my brother, my brother, me, et cetera. And then Griffin says, This is podcast. I love you. Grab this candy. Where's the candy? Wait, wait. Where's the candy? The podcast that is this one has candy all over its suit, wearing it like a mocap. Are you eating it? Who is eating what right now? Who's eating Gilbert grapes right now? I'm eating up this delicious description you're giving out. Yeah, of a sentient podcast that's down for love. Well, nobody's going to love this thing now, because you guys have, you guys are fucking. Oh, Griffin, you put chocolate on your own nipples. Griffin, did you describe the podcast? You didn't let me finish that part. I have it on my nipples, but then it's everywhere else too. No, no, you finished it. That part was completed.

Here comes the poetry pile. I jump in. I get all my chocolate streaks everywhere. No, you can't be there. I'm sorry, Griffin. You are not allowed to see whatever Valentine happens between the episode and the listener. You recorded the episode. You left the episode. Okay, okay, okay. But let's hold on. And here's the next part. And then I see you approaching the podcast episode. I take off a few Ferreroes and throw them in your direction just because I've had a big round. Well, let's stop. Shut up. And then I walk meekly backwards out of the room. And then whatever you do with podcast at that point is up to you, God, and podcast, and the Ferrero Roches that I left behind. That's better. That was much better. Here's

the two issues that I still have. I wouldn't say much, Justin. That was very generous. Yeah, somewhat better. Here's the two issues that I still have with this one. You're technically stripping because you are removing layers. I got clothes on underneath the Ferreroes. Yeah, I know. But it's a long con kind of strip. But it is... No, I disagree with you on that point, Justin. Because when I see someone take their jacket off, I'm not like, whoa, whoa, whoa, NSFW depends on how they take it off, though. The way I take off a jacket. When podcast takes this jacket off, it does it the cool, like backwards, Jeb Bartlett. Yeah, there you go. And the other thing I had was that you fed people chocolate off your body.

No. And that's another one that's got a little bit charged. Gave it to them. And if I remember correctly, more have flung it at them. One of two things happened. Either you threw your body chocolate on the dirty floor, or you fed it lovingly to them. Which of those two options... And you're saying, oh, okay, and you hear that audience? Justin says you all can't catch good. Interesting. Wait, did you throw it like a Benihana chef and they caught it in their mouth? Or with their fucking hands. Gross. Then they're going to get chocolate all over their hands before reading the poetry. The body impact when I dive into the

poetry pile makes the foil come off and streaks the chocolate. I don't see... Why are you guys wrestling? It's been nine fucking minutes. You're the one wrestling with the poetry. Okay. I just want to suggest start over. Hey, it's my brother, my brother, May. Podcast killing it. You're in, you're out. This time Griffin's going to say something. So Valentine's Day is upon us and we would like you to make love to the the podcast. And by make love, I mean it in the literal sense and not in the coital sense. You and the podcast are there was no love before, but now there will be love with you and this inanimate podcast to help set the scene. I will appear in the room.

Shush, the podcast will also be there. You will be there. I have a suit of Ferrero Roches if you get peckish. And also I have wine balloons. Do you want one? Wait, where are they? I have 12 wine balloons hidden all around the room. I have a suit of Ferrero Roches over my clothes. You will not come at me with your mouth open. You will take them with your hands unwrapped and then eat them. Sometimes I will jump with a poetry pile. Sometimes there's a wine balloon in there too and I make a terrible, terrible mess. But then when it's time for you and the podcast to consummate it, I'm going to back out of the room meekly. I will no longer be present. Here's what I, okay, I want to go back to the things that I hate.

One of the main ones is that you've locked someone in a room with a podcast that they may not even do it. He didn't say lock the door. He just said he was going to leave them to whatever they get up to. But the implication is clearly that they're going to do it, this person in the podcast. And can we make clear that it's an episode of a podcast? It's not the whole podcast. It's not the whole podcast. That's semantics because we've done some things on this podcast, broadly speaking, that no one would love. We got unfuckable apps. I just want to go back also to the, I feel like a wine balloon popping over a pile of poetry. Is the sexiest thing you've ever heard? It's one, it's someone's fetish.

And I don't forget the, don't forget about the chocolate streaks from my suit. Yeah. Now is it red wine or white? Of course it's red wine. It's Valentine's Day. And it's popping, it's popping on the rose thorns. I've sprinkled thorns all over the bed. You're not there, you're not there. Jesse Thorne, Teresa Thorne, they're all on the bed. They're sprinkled lovingly. I will say, I realized in Griffin's 18th take at this that while Justin and I have been upset at it, this idea of a holiday concierge is basically what Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny are. They come in, they provide you all the stuff, and then they leave and let you get down to it. Yeah, there needs to be one of those for Valentine's Day, Cupid.

What's our first question? One more try. There's no way we can do this. Griffin is a winged cherub. This is my brother of a show. This is a brother of an episode. Yeah, we need indices like, indices A, before I even start going. I'm wearing clothes fully, and there's no question about that. Over the clothes I have stuck, many Ferrero Roches. Can you edit this to be sequentially first? Yes. I want this to be the first thing people hear. Okay. There are 12 wine balloons hidden throughout the room. If you are hungry, there's the Roches. If you are thirsty, there is wine. The only other object in the room

is the podcast episode that this is. What about the poetry pile? The poetry pile is also there is the third, fourth. Could we also include like a button on the wall like in an escape room? Like, hey, if at any time you want me to unlock the door, just hit this button. If it gets too wet and wild in there, here's the button that you press. It's over the poetry pile, and you're going to have to sort of scramble around in there. It's rough terrain. To find the flag in the poetry pile. I'm going to count to 30 and leave. If you can find all the wine balloons before then, you get $10,000 furnished by San Pellegrino. At a trip to space camp. I'm so glad we got a sponsor.

I'm so glad we got a sponsor for this. I want to welcome San Pellegrino to sponsor the show. He also got a booth at the Food of Mind Festival, and you don't even have to know what to do with that. I'm worried that including a sponsor is going to make this holiday too commercial. Yeah, probably. I worry. Let's switch it for BK Nights. What are they doing? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe a Casio keyboard in there? Sure. So, okay. I think that's got it. I think what I love about this, Griffin, here's a quick list. Bullet pointed. One is, I think that you have not included yourself physically in it.

You've much more resigned yourself to a Jeff Probe's role, or Chris Harrison's role, who is clearly on the periphery. I feel like it's kind of like those cats also, where it's clearly on the periphery, but the implication is always that if they decided to compete, they would win. They would beat us, yeah. Yeah. So, that's good. I think it's also like a very romantic, loving environment that you've created for the podcast episode and the listener. Yeah, and fun too, fun, because you got to find the balloons, and poetry can be fun for some people. Yeah, maybe the poet, but nobody else. Here comes our first question. My parents sent me a Valentine's Day card today. Now, I don't keep in touch with them as much as I used to,

and I have to say. Shame. Shame. They sent it to me as an attempt to cheer me up about my lack of a romantic partner. Well, we can handle that. You're in a committed relationship with a podcast episode. As reality has it, I do have a partner, one who I've been dating for almost a year now. I just forgot to tell my parents about my relationship. Oh, my God. Due to how infrequently we catch up. Hachi-machi. The card that my parents sent me is not only very fancy, but the endorsement on it isn't written on the card directly, but is instead on a piece of paper that slides out of the card. Can I replace it with a new dedication and re-give this card to my significant other? That's from Valentine's Vext in San Francisco. I need a fucking map for that question.

What a buck-wild, like, light cycle-esque turn that took. Just like a hard fucking bank, and I'm exploding into your light wall. What? I just want everyone to know, I put together the question list, and I don't always know if a question is going to be a winner, but when I hear Griffin do that, like, lean away from the microphone, like, oh, my God, like, I know, I got it. Yeah, I was like, I mean, I really thought, how do I tell my parents I've been in a really short three years? Like, certainly would take precedence over, how do I save a $1.26? How do I grift both my parents and my lover? Yeah. Yeah, I was like, I mean, yeah, this is some real, I think nothing's like funnier than like pulling off the gag, and not everybody can do it,

and a lot of people try, of like re-gifting the card. I've never seen anybody do it earnestly, with an earnest mind, an earnest heart, to say, oh, this is not the same card. Most of the time, it's like, uh-oh, yeah, this was totally from my four-year-old nephew, Todrick C, and I marked his name out and put mine in, as a funny joke. This is a new strat altogether that I've never heard of, and I don't think it's quite good. I will say though, I think now you can never tell your parents about your significant other, or they're just gonna feel absolutely ripped off, because they sent you a card, and you had a significant other the whole time. Yeah. Oh, oh no, what a pickle. What a picky. You shouldn't do this thing. You shouldn't do this thing. I

understand that not everybody's money situation is the same. God knows that's true, but you, this is the amount that you are saving to enter yourself into, you're in the fucking hornet's nest right now, and you could easily not be in the hornet's nest by going to Walgreens or taking a sheet of loose leaf paper and doing your fucking best with some Crayola on it. That's even better. Now Griffin, there is the line that the card is very fancy. Hmm. Very, maybe this is like a $12 car. Like you open it up and like a video plays or something. Oh, that's good. Are you open it up? It's like, it has a song like, come on and have some birthday fun. Or maybe. Are you ready for some birthday? What if there's a pre-recorded thing in there,

but you only hear it if you open it all the way? So your significant other gets it, and they're like, and they open it all the way. And it's like, dear Philippe, we so treasure you, and we're sorry, you're so terribly lonely, as alone as alone can be. Anyway, love you, your parents who bought this card for you. Can I ask you a question? Are you just maybe bored? And the idea of, for this $1.65 you could save yourself, you could potentially turn your life completely 180 around. Everyone who is close to you now feels jilted by you, and you dunk it right into the toilet. It's like you're looking at the power to like destroy your entire life. Yeah, and it's inducted that power sometimes. Got it, it is. Yeah, like you have that button, it's like a self-destruct

button, but it's like everyone else's destruct button. Yeah. Maybe here's a great gift for your significant other. Okay. Tell your parents about them. Yeah, I'm sure they would appreciate that. I also feel like you could make your own shitty card on Loose Leaf and write your own love message on it, and then you pull out the nice fancy card, and you start to hand it to them, and then you tear it up, and you say, no store-bought card is good enough to transmit my love thing, my love thoughts to you. So your parent, you're going to tear up the Valentine's Day card your parents got you? Yeah, no evidence. No, but the question asker is also a great slide of hand magician, so they didn't really tear it up, Justin, don't worry. Oh, okay. Yeah, I got you. And then a dove.

Yeah, dove comes out. Hey, got a yahoo. Here's a yahoo that was sent in by Merritt Palmer. Thank you, Merritt. It's a yahoo answers user. Hello, question mark. Who asks? McFly. Can I start a gym called Goku, or would that be infringement? There would be no reference or mascot or anything similar DBZ. That stands for Dragon's Ball ZZ0. Then why? Then I guess do you just think what a great name for a gym? Well, no, Trav, I think you're going to get brand recognition, but as long as you don't put the spiked man himself on there doing his big powerful yell, then I think you're probably going to be okay, right? Goku's just a name, and what's in a name? A rose by any other name is still Goku. There's no good names for gyms.

Think of a good name for him. The ones near my house include Planet Fitness. That's bad. That's like, hey, aliens, come here and get healthy. That's terrible. There's a 24-hour fitness center that closes at nine. That sucks. What about Beef City? Beef City sounds like a butcher's shop. No way. Okay. How about Rippington's? That's good. Hey, can I suggest maybe... That sounds like an amazing vape shop. It sounds good. Start over. Griffin, give me one good gym name, and I'll tear it down. Yeah, yeah, I've got a really, really good one. I got a good one. You ready? Yes. Goku, what is... Listen to the question. It's perfect. It's not even called Goku. No, listen, it's not even called Goku's gym. It's called Goku. This gym is Goku.

So, hey, sorry, honey, I'm going to be late. I'm going to stop at Goku after work. I think, actually, without any context, it kind of sounds like a super high-end frozen yogurt shop. It does kind of sound like that. So, what we're going to need to express or communicate is that this is a place where the art of crafting muscles takes place. Sweaty Goku's. I'm going to call it, we're going to call it the art of Goku. And I think that is, that is going to get the message across that this is a place to be reckoned with. If you want to put some beef on your bones. Yeah. What about just Goku makers? Oh, I like that. That's a direct reference. Okay,

Goku maker one, he gets his power from the Yellow Sun. So, that's no good. A real Goku maker is the Yellow Sun. Secondly, that's a direct reference to this popular character, Goku from Dragon Ball Z. Well, so what about this? Because it would teach you like the art of getting buff, right? As you said, right? So, what about Goku's art academy? Okay, I like this so far. That's it. That's the end of the thought. It's good. Okay. Well, I figure like, because here's the thing. At first, you would show up with like paintbrush and hand and then you would say like, okay, now snap that paintbrush in half. That's lesson one. What if you have, what if it's called Goku, right? But then you also have a big neon sign up that says Vegeta

next to it. Now, listen, now listen, listen, listen, listen. When the people who own that property swing by to close you down or the copyright police or whatever, more neon letters click on is displaying the word vegetables. And then it's like you never even, it's like you, it's like, no, you're all good. You're talking about like a speakeasy gym. When you say it out loud, Vegeta sounds like a grandmother trying to order Mexican food. Yes. Kind of. I would like vegetables. Give me, hey, give me one of the vegetas. I would also say it sounds like a sixth grader trying to talk about a vagina. What are you doing at a gym? What are you doing? It's not about making muscles. Anyone can do that. No. What I think you're doing really at a gym is investing in

yourself. It's about investment. So here's what I think you should do is call it Goku's Bank. And that, that could be a little more palatable, I think. Because yeah, that's the thing is like, I think I don't know much about copyright infringement, but I'm pretty sure that if it doesn't compete with what the existing Goku is offering, you're probably fine. Right? Yeah. Right? Like I could start a store called Pepsi's Vegetables and I'd probably be cool. What if your gym had two doors? Okay. Can we just stop? Can we just stop for a second and think about Pepsi's Vegetables? Yeah, let's give that one its due. It's just a powerful idea. I was running away from the warm pool of Pepsi's Vegetables. I'm gonna turn around,

I'm gonna splash around there with you guys for a while. I mean, they can try to shut me down, but it's not like people are confusing my vegetables for their soda. That's right. These are Pepsi's Vegetables. These are my vegetables and I'm Pepsi. All right. Oh, legally change your name to Goku and then call it Goku's Gym. They can't fucking touch you. That's true and legally make yourself look exactly like Goku and then put a picture of yourself next to it and learn to play the Piccolo. I haven't seen the show. I haven't seen it, but maybe the gym has two doors and over one is a sign that says, this one's for not Goku's and then the exit door, you can just leave that blank. You can put like this one's for

question mark, question mark, question marks and then all you have on there is not Goku. That's true. And then you're saying, listen, I'm explicitly saying that I am not your property. I am not stealing your copyright. This is what I've opened here is like a not Kroger. This is, you know what I mean? Like, yes. God, I love it. I love it when Goku yells and energy comes out. Yeah. And he uses it to power the US so that we have less of a dependency on fossil fuels. Haven't seen the show. Hey, everybody can just real quick just say it all. Thank you, Goku. Thank you, Goku. Thank you, Goku. Goku. Is that trademark? Can we put thank you, Goku on a t-shirt? Yeah. What do you think if we put thank you and then in quotation marks? Goku.

Oh, shit. Goku is so powerful. He's so good. He would be so good on a powerful t-shirt. He would make you look stronger just from wearing it. My wife. That's impossible. My wife is very thrifty and scolds me anytime. My wife. Anytime I spent money unnecessarily. She recently suggested we pick up coffee at a local coffee shop as a treat to ourselves for penny pinching. The issue is, I've been secretly shopping at this coffee shop at least once a week for over two years. Oh my God. They know me by name and begin making my regular order before I get to the register. Had I worn the baristas to pretend like they don't know me, so I won't be caught when I do go with my wife. When I do go with my wife. Yeah, sure. My wife. My wife. That's from regular in Redondo Beach.

The Dondo. The Dondo. I wish you did more like shout outs to locations like the Dondo, calling in or something like that. I mean, the good thing about having IBS is that people just assume that you do have it all the time. So if you need to fake a tummy ache so that they, so your wife will go get the coffees and you could just chill at home and avoid the situation altogether. That's fine. Maybe just burst in and say like, I'm new here. Okay, they get your wife's credit card. They look at the name. Oh, you must be related to blop, blop, blop. He's in here every week. Oh, shit. Double life. You've apparently let a double life and your wife has found out about it when you're not even there to explain yourself. Yep. You're the one who knocks.

What if you go in and then they're like, oh, it's it's irregular. I'll make you your vanilla latte and you say, what the fuck are you talking about? Well, uh, have you considered not lying? I was gonna say, it's almost like there's a very good reason why we shouldn't lie to people that share their lives with us. I feel like we've caught the bad end of that, that particular. I feel like this is, this is a, this is a, hold on. This is an opportunity for us to make a very salient, very helpful relationship tip. I feel like there's lots of people out there who have what they think is little secrets from their SL or their partner, whatever. Um, but you do it so much, but you're like, it's okay. It's just little secrets. But

then when your partner finds out about it, you are immediately confronted with the reality that, oh no, it's big secrets. Yes. It's kind of, it's kind of weird that I didn't like clue them in. They say it's like, if you embezzle the $1 every day from where you worked and you're like, oh, I'm just stealing $1 and then you work there for 30 years and you've stolen thousands and thousands of dollars. I'm not, I should clear up. I'm not saying that, that, you know, there needs to be 100% like, I'm not saying that you have to like check in every time you want to do something, right? Like I don't, I also do not think that that is the basis of a healthy relationship. It's just the nature of, it doesn't matter the size of the secret. When you're, when your SO

finds out that, that you're, you have a secret, then that's then the weird, there's a weird energy now. See, I celebrate the secret. I think it's fine to have a secret. I think it's good to have a little secret, but I think it should be the kind of little secret that if your SO finds out about it, then they don't give a shit. Or at most they kind of like roll their eyes. No, you're missing the point, Travis. If you try to make it something like you would want to hide, okay, I was like three weeks into my Coursera class about appreciating classical music before I told my wife that I was taking this class because she saw me and she didn't give a shit because who would? But it was my little private thing for a little while. That's, that's my special class between me

and this cat from Duke who's got a very, a lot of knowledge about classical music. It was our special thing, right? And I didn't tell my wife about it because it was my little secret that she wouldn't give an ever loving shit about. Yeah. See, what I do is I routinely, I will overspend on something. And when Theresa and I first started dating, I knew that like she would be upset like that I went to say the grocery store and bought a bunch of impulse buy items and spent too much. So I would like routinely like just cut money off of how much I spent and say like, yeah, I only spent like whatever. And then one day what I did is I told her that I was doing that. And so now I still do it, but she knows I'm doing it. So it's like a lie, but it's not.

But also we both agree that it's better this way. It makes secrets. How completely psychopathic, Traff Grace, I'm for sure. No, because then she knows like how I round town. Absolutely baffling. Is it? Is it Justin? Or is it normal? That's a, that's a jagged little pill right there, bud. Never done what you guys have talked about, your secret, your classical music, your Mozart perversions. I'm not, I'm actually not to Mozart yet. I kind of got hung up around Bach because I don't like his stuff. You know, he wrote 30 minutes of new, hold on, money's in Kuwait. Money's in? Is Zoom one of our sponsors? The money's in Kuwait. Bach wrote a new 30 minute piece of music every

week. Hmm. Well, but that was easy when there wasn't other music. He could just be like, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. That's a new one. That's a new one. They've nobody's done that one before. That's a new one. Furly's two. Huff my nuts, Beethoven. Furly's two. That's a new one. Do that for 30 minutes. He didn't, Justin did be fair. He didn't say he wrote 30 minutes of good music every week. He also wrote 30 minutes of lyrics to that music, but they made him cut it every time because of how dog shit it was. And the dragons come over the crest of the ridge and the sunlight sword hangs above them. Bach, please. We have talked to you so many times. We love the music so much, but your lyrics are,

and the white wolves gather at the edge of the sunlight. All right, Bach. I just feel like you're using a lot of weird imagery. It's not. Run, run your fingers through my curly white hair. Bach, Bach, we're not ready for this. Our great, great, great, great green kids are going to eat that shit up. Yeah, they're going to love it. But all this stuff about like reaching the peak of the mountain and soaring with the eagles, we're not into that right now. Could you please just, I don't know, talk about flowers? I think we like that. Can we all agree? Flowers, maybe spring? We're in the spring. And the flower sprang from the mouth of all the versions as they ride upon their dragons. Oh, damn it. It's from their eyes. Nope, nope, nope, nope. And when I look into your

eyes, you put me in my grave. Nope, Bach. The dragon's in my love grave. What? No, what? They're incredible laser rifles. Wait, what? Holy shit. What? The robot overlords are seeing my dreams. Bach, what the fuck? Shit, are you on anyway? Are you cool? 30 minutes of music. We put an hour of podcast. Yeah. And some weeks we skip. Because we can't because we're tired. Anyway, let's go to the Monday. Hey, can I tell you all about stomps? Yeah. I love these things. Do you guys like art and pictures and drawings? Yes. What if you could get them really little and sticky and allow them to make your mail go from where you have it now to where you want it to go? And then it's like you're giving somebody art, but you're also giving them the mail that you need to get in their hands.

Do you know that stamps are picked by CSAC, the Citizen Stamp Advisory Committee, and it's a secret organization that the public isn't allowed any insight into? And these 12 non-postal worker employees picked them all in secret? I did not know that. But what I do know is that if you don't want to go to the post office to get your stamps, then stamps.com has you covered because they have all the services of the US Postal Service right at your fingertips. I'm talking about printing your own postage for any letter, any package, any class of mail using your own computer and printer. And they save you money too because they got postage discounts. You can't get at the post office, including five cents off every first class stamp. And that shit adds up though.

They also are not allowed to have alcohol or cigarettes or firearms on stamps. So if you look at like Betty Davis's stamp, they photoshopped out her cigarette if you check out her stamp. It looks like she's holding a cigarette. They replaced it with a carrot. There's no cigarette there. I heard a lot of stamp stuff on every little thing, and I just want to share it all with you guys. Okay, well, cool. And I just found out that I can't get the gun stamps I wanted, so you've really peed me oh. Sorry about peeing your oh, clean out. But anyway, stamps.com is great. It's a very, very convenient way to get your postage if you, like me, don't like going to the post office because it's far away and also anxiety. Right now, our listeners get a free,

special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a digital scale. You can see for yourself why over 700,000 small businesses uses stamps.com. Just go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in my brother all one word. That's stamps.com. Enter the promo code my brother. I would like to tell you about Squarespace, and I would like to give you my seven word pitch for Squarespace. Are you ready? Want make website? Make website with Squarespace. That's not good. That's a tagline, baby. I feel like I can get it out of the two words. Website? Question mark. Squarespace. I can do them one. Okay. Webspace. Oh, I think I could do it in one letter. W? Okay, so that's Squarespace.

And that'll be $50, please. That's not actually the Squarespace ad. Travis has a real one that he liked. Yeah, so here's the thing. Squarespace, listen, we live in the digital age. Everything's digital these days. If you want to have a successful business, you have to have an online presence. If you want to be a cool hip artist, you have to have an online presence. If you want to be just about anything, you need to have an online presence, and you don't need to know anything about making websites to do with Squarespace because Squarespace, it's easy to set up. It's easy to showcase your work, announce upcoming events or special projects, promote your business, whatever you want to do because they have beautiful customizable templates. They have

powerful e-commerce functionality so you can sell things, analytics that help you grow in real time, built-in search engine optimization and 24 seven award-winning customer service. So yeah, dude. You just got me so psyched with all that stuff. I know, but I have like a float and I have to start over. It's a digital age. Fuck, I forgot. Nice, dude. Squarespace.com slash my brother for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mybrother all one word to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. There's nothing quite like sailing in the calm international waters on my ship, the SS biopic. The vast. It's actually pronounced biopic. No, you dingus. It's biopic. Who the hell says that? It's biopic. It's the word to biography and picture.

All right, that is enough. Ahoy. I'm Dave Holmes. I'm the host of the newly rebooted podcast, formerly known as International Waters, designed to resolve petty but persistent arguments like this. How? By pitting two teams of opinionated comedians against each other with trivia and improv games, of course, winner takes home the right to be right. What podcast be this? It's called Troubled Waters, where we disagree to disagree. So, uh, I got Yahoo. Uh, yeah. So this one was sent in by Merritt Palmer. I don't know if it's good jokes, but I feel like we need to talk about it because it's from an anonymous Yahoo answers user who I'm going to call. Um, Nancy, who asks, is dessert its own meal or is it a part of dinner?

Who? Is it a thing of its own or is it just dinner's sweet hat? My first inclination is to say it is a thing of its own. But then I also think it would be really weird to just skip dinner and have dessert at like 7 p.m. I, it's 3 p.m. I have finished lunch long ago. I reach into my cookie drawer and I retrieve Oreos and eat them. That is a snack. I have just finished my dinner of ham at 8 p.m. and I reach into the cookie drawer, Paul, and Oreos I eat it. That's a dessert. Yeah. If you have something sweet without dinner, it's not dessert. No. It's excess.

It's a snack. It's a snack. It's snacks. No, we don't need to do that. Snacks as Hollywood. You don't need to do that. I'm just saying if you have dessert without dinner, it's not dessert. It's a snack. It's a sweet snack. Okay.

If you, I, here's a problem though. I like my dessert later in the evening. I don't like to have my dessert directly after dinner. I like to let it settle a little bit. Yeah. Okay. Is that dessert? If you've toaked a little herb, a little post-dinner kush. I think maybe that's fourth meal, Justin. Is that 3.5 meal? Is that dessert if I wait until 10 o'clock? It's not dessert, right?

Yeah. No, that's dessert. That's dessert still, yeah. Here, let me count a point. And that whole time you were chilling and getting blazed, that was all dinner. You were still in dinner that whole time. You had some additional vegetables. Yeah. It was your weed stuff.

Now look, here's, but to anybody who says dessert is part of dinner, let me throw this out. I bring you a plate that I've made you for dinner. And there on the plate is a really well-cooked chicken breast, maybe some steamed broccoli, and an Oreo on the same plate as dinner. Weird, huh? This is a bad dinner you've made for me, Travis. I get that, but I'm saying that Oreo doesn't belong there, because that should come at a separate time. But at the same time, when I go out to a fancy restaurant, and I'm having lunch with all of

my famous friends, James Vanderbeek and the rest, when we are eating all of the great dinner food, and then they say, would you like dessert? I've already filled my tummy up with all the great dinner food because I forgot about dessert. If they brought the dinner and the sweet tiramisu on the same plate to my table when it's dinner time as, oh, y'all, it's like a kid cuisine. Griffin, we're not talking about what it should be. We're talking about what it is. Can I pitch my adult kid cuisines at restaurants that you can get, please? But that's just called cuisine.

What do you think, a waiter or anybody at a restaurant would do if you said, yes, I'm going to have the ribeye and the baked potato, and later I'm going to want the brownie lava explosion, so just put it on the same plate. I feel like that's what Applebee's whole thing is, because they don't give a fuck. That is true. They don't give a fuck. Everything sizzling in the same skillet to save on doing dishes later. Applebee's will bring you some pudding shooters, and then they'll bring you a garlic man,

which is a man they make out of a whole garlic bulb, two lobster tails, and a steak, and three breadsticks. And he is sentient. And he is sentient, and you have to chase him and eat him. And then finally, they bring in your drink last because they are absolute, what? What's the third breadstick? Why are you so nasty today? I can't believe you're making fun of me for that.

Just I want you to try and imagine trying to stand up this meat man that I've talked about using just the two breadstick legs. A tripod is a way more secure foundation, and I knew that when I was saying that shit. Where is the tripod? Where is the kickstand leg of the tripod? Towards the back like a tail. Like a tail, and then two on the corners. Okay, good.

Not like a penis. Unless it's a fun prank or, you know. You can request it that way, but you better tip well. Yeah, they'll do it sometimes for like stag parties and stuff. Yeah, or birthday. Man, I want to have my bachelor party at Applebee's. We've talked a lot of bull shit. I feel like dessert's part of dinner though.

What if it's actually the beginning of breakfast? Whoa, here's a sneak preview of what breakfast is going to be like. Yeah, because you know when sweet goes? Breakfast, sweet flies at breakfast. Sweet flies at breakfast. Yeah, sweet doesn't fly. It's like the trailer for breakfast. Yeah, hey, and when you wake up, there's more where that came from.

Hey, speaking of this, I want a munch. Okay. Squared. You guys have to say squared. Did you say squared? Squared. Hit it. Hit that funky music.

I want a munch. Squared. Squared. Okay. I have two. I'm just going to read the first line of this one, even though it's really good. This is McDonald's adds doughnut sticks to breakfast lineup. And the first line of this is roses are red, violets are blue.

The rumors of doughnut sticks coming to McDonald's are true. Okay. You've heard the buzz. That's good. Hey, I didn't know Robert Frost was still on. He isn't, he works for McDonald's. Robert Frosty. I'm the new hamburger.

Okay, Robert. Okay. Calm down. Yes, that's happening. Nothing delicious can stay. I'll take the number two less eaten by. But I want to talk about, this is actually extremely important and challenging. Domino's new platform rewards points for competitors pizza.

Listen. Okay. The announces during the Super Bowl. Starting a February 2nd, Domino's began awarding points for all pizza customers. All pizza customers eat through its new points for pies program. The big catch. This includes competitors pizza, not just Domino's. Listen.

Instead of advertising during Sunday's game, we decided to invest in a breakthrough program that rewards everyone who loves pizza as much as we do. Says someone. We know everyone is asking themselves, did Domino's just say they will award points for eating any pizza, even from a competitor? That's accurate. This new app will scan anything and say that it is pizza or not pizza, obviously. Its internal teams developed pizza identifier capable of scanning each pizza or slice.

It then uses artificial intelligence driven software to identify the image that quote, this is the first time Domino's is using AI technology like this. I hope so. I fucking hope so. And also, I hope that that's okay. I hope it's the last time, but it won't be. It will be running the pizza identification process. And it's already smart enough to identify all pizza,

even if it's a homemade English muffin pizza, a pizza with a hot dog stuffed crust, or a high end artisan pizza. It can even identify if it's a dog squeaky pizza toy. Hey, Dennis, that's not pizza dog. Are you okay? Because it sounds like you just proven that your robot can be easily fooled. Justin, I don't want to skip ahead, but is there a part in this press release where they say, and we don't know why we've done this.

We hope that will reveal itself to us later. What's the points for though? You can scan other pizzas and get pizza points or piss or piss points, as I've decided to call them. Pizzies or piss points. And then you can exchange those piss points for more piss at Domino's. So, okay. I can't tell if that's good or bad.

It seems not great. Well, Domino's has really turned their shit around. This is what they want you to believe, but it's still, Domino's is okay. But you go around taking pictures of pizza like you're in fucking Pokemon Snap, and then you go to the Domino's and show them your camera roll, and you just kind of swipe through it, and they say, yep, yep, yep. Circle with little circles on it. Yep, yep, yep.

Here's a pizza. And then you can take a picture of that, and then it never ends. No, you dummy. There's, the employees aren't part of it. There's a robot that lives in your phone, and it beams the image to the cloud. And the AI, the pizza bot that lives in the cloud, identifies things as being pizza or not pizza. We're training robots to perfectly identify what things are pizza.

How bad is Domino's doing right now that there was a board meeting where they brought in the folks in R&D and said, hey, are people even still eating pizza? Is there any way we could figure this out? Fuck, guys, it's all about hot dogs now. Fuck. What can we do? What do we do to figure out who's even eating pizza anymore?

Maybe the chefs at Domino's are like, listen, guys, I have no fucking clue what we're doing here. I don't even know if this is pizza. I wish there was a way we could get billions of people to send us pictures of other pizza so we could just copy what they did. Can we just do that? I'm glad that they made a robot do it, because I wouldn't want to be the human being responsible for looking at a picture

of something someone sent to Domino's that wasn't pizza. Because God, the idea of what someone might take a picture of that's not pizza to send to Domino's terrifies me to the core of my being. That robot's going to see some stuff, though. Yeah. Oh, could you make a pizza out of robot parts? So then you send it to a picture and you're like, no, look at it. I don't want to.

Look at it. This is not pizza. This is crime. Are you sure it's not pizza? Look again. It's got, it's shaped like pizza, right? It's got little. This is not pizza.

This is sister. I cut the, I cut the, this, this robo, you know, I cut its eyeballs off into slices and put it on there. So that's pepperoni, isn't it? I mean, if you're going to prove Chew Toys, you got to prove this, right? Call it pizza. It's pizza. I am.

I am pizza. The sweet relief you would feel after exploding, after seeing tens of thousands of pictures of dudes just like spread out assholes that they sent to Domino's. Guys, that's a pink. The, the end of the matrix is weird, huh? It's, it all ends up the same, all the simulations in the same way. I don't, I don't, I don't get it. I sent a picture of the, of my asshole to the robot.

So I hope Papa John sees it. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm on the hunt for a part. Enjoying my asshole robot. Dude, dude, smack it. I'm in the hunt for a part-time job and getting really frustrated. I once worked at the seafood buffet and it's since been closed. I only worked there over the summer since a bus person.

All aboard, all aboard me. I have transformed. I'll try not to sneeze and transform back in the middle. But that happens a lot of transformers. Cleaning up after tourists on a crab leg bender is hard work. My question is this, since it's closed, can I light any possible employers and say I worked there for way longer and in a higher paid position? The restaurant is a boat store now.

And no one knows where the others went. The owners went. So there's no way to verify my serve of employment as far as I know. It's a harmless grift or a greedy scheme. That's from willing to work in Wilmington. Man, I didn't mean to make the first three questions about lying, but man, here we are, huh? How are you Valentine's Day?

Yeah, you sound more like a Decepticon to me. Yeah, you're all good here. This one, I'm gonna, this one passed my smell test. I think you're all good to lie about this one. You can say you were president of Crab Legs and that you worked there for 18 years. If the previous owners of this restaurant were murdered by the boatmen, then they're not going to be able to narc you out. You're totally aces here.

They're totally at the bottom of something. I ran Crab Town. I'm the mayor of Crab Town. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know what? It was actually a chain. It was 18 stores and I was the mayor of all of them. And I saved a small child from crabs that overran one of the stores.

This is actually kind of weird because like, why doesn't everybody do this all the time? This seems like such a good crime that I'm surprised it's not extremely, extremely common. I mean, maybe it is extremely common, but it just seems like a grift everybody is probably running all the time, right? So like put down a friend's name as the phone number and say like, yeah, call the manager and ask them and then call and say like,

yes, this is Todd. He was great. Hello, this is Bill Gates. Hey, was Stephen really your quote number two? Was he really quote your left hand dude? Yeah, he helped me with Microsoft 98. He made, he, Steve Balber learned everything from him. He's the.

I was going to name it 97 and he fixed it. And he fixed it and he also made Halo. So I've got to go. It says his job title was Keyboard Lord. Do you guys really have a job title for that? Yeah, he put the T on there. Yeah, I wasn't going to include any T's and he said people might need that. It says Keyboard Lord and Mouse Master.

This is the story of his outfit. Yeah, he sure is. He included the cord and buttons. I was just going to give people a hunger plastic. I'm actually a robot that he built in. It sounds Mr. Gates might be so bold. It sounds like really see what is kind of the brains behind the entire operation to make. I owe him so much.

Yep. What do you? I, including my own sentence. Why do you, what are you going to do without him? Sounds like he was pretty viable. Well, I'm making, I'm working on making new toilets now. They're pretty cool. They don't stink these ones.

That's not a joke. He's really doing that. You could also say you're Joe from Joe's Crab Shack. And you had, you were the first one who looked at these little red bastards and said, I'm eating me one of them. Yeah. Gallagher's brother started performing and doing the sledgematic routine and a lot of Gallagher's jokes because Gallagher couldn't meet the demand

of people that wanted to see Gallagher perform. So his brother started performing. And then when he got in trouble with his brother for something, he started performing his Gallagher two. And the reason I'm bringing this up is that there's probably room for a Gallagher three if you wanted to, or like no one would know. I think if the situation's confusing enough, you could probably claim to have been Gallagher two at a certain point.

Or, you know, not just, it's honestly, full proof. I guess my question is the one question I have. How does that help you get a part-time job? Well, it's in the produce department. So, yeah, I'm familiar with the tensile strength of all. Yeah, I know exactly how hard I can punch this motherfucker. Does I am aware of how many bits any giving produce will turn into? Apparently, there is Joe's Crab Shack in Austin,

but it's, quote, temporarily closed. And I don't know what conditions let it to be temporarily closed, but you may as well go ahead and make that permanent, my friend. Yeah, out of crabs. Couldn't find them. Couldn't find them anywhere. How about we close it out? I love that.

Let's do it. Y'all, thank you so much. We've had such a good time with you. I hope you did have a happy Valentine's Day. Whatever that means for you, even if it's not observing it at all or chilling by yourself or whatever, I hope you enjoyed yourself. Because we, kidding aside, do love you very much. And we appreciate all of the support over the years, et cetera, et cetera.

I want to let you know that we have tickets, hopefully on sale now, if everything has gone right, for San Jose and Salt Lake City. We're going to be in San Jose, April 2nd and 3rd with the Adventure Zone and My Brother, My Brother and Me. And then we're going to be in Salt Lake City on April 4th with My Brother, My Brother and Me. And you can get tickets for those if you go to macaroy.family and click on Tours there at the beginning.

And then we're going to have some more announcements coming soon for the rest of 2019. But we hope to see you all in San Jose in Salt Lake City in April. Thanks to John Rodgerick in the Long Winters for the use of our theme song It's at a Parture off the album Putting the Days to Bed. It's a super good album that I love a lot. And you will too. And thank you to MaximumFun.org for having us on the network.

They got a bunch of great shows. They got a new one with Ted Leo and Amy Mann that you're going to love a lot. They've got Mission to Zix. There's a new one up on there. A bunch of new shows all at MaximumFun.org. And we have other stuff at macaroy.family. And you know what else? It just occurred to me, we haven't mentioned this in a hell of a long time.

We have a YouTube channel that I believe now is macaroyfamily is the name of the channel. You can also, we have an Instagram account where you can see like some behind the scenes stuff from our live shows and tours and whatnot, as well as a Twitter account at macaroyfamily. So like, go follow those, I guess. Absolutely. And sorry, Travis said hello. Yeah, listen, I hated it. I hated it as I was doing it.

I hated it. So here's the final yahoo. This one was sent in by Brian. Thank you, Brian. It's yahoo answers user Chris, who asks, what is a ham basket? And how does it get you to hell? My name is Justin Macaron. He mistook the letters.

Oh, I see. I'm Travis Macaron. I'm Griffin Macaron. So you're my brother, my brother, me, kiss your dad, square the lips. Okay, Amita, how about Inside Pop is the podcast for people who love and appreciate the best pop culture has to offer? Oh, much better. In every episode, we interview the people who create the culture you crave.

Past interviews include the showrunner of A for DuVernay's Queen Sugar and Mudbound director Dee Rees. You'll also get the very best pop culture recommendations in our big sell segment. Plus the opinions of two TV producers who are pop culture obsessives and actually do binge 80 hours of TV a week. Eyeballs, so tired. Listen to Inside Pop every other Wednesday on the Maximum Fun podcast network.