My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 452: The Cornbread Heist of the Century

Episode Date: March 25, 2019

It’s week two of the MaxFunDrive, and already we’re looking for ways to boost our bottom line on the off chance this whole operation goes off the rails. If you see that sweet yellow bread sailing through the clouds, you’ll know our mission was a success. Suggested talking points: Shazam-Watch, Serve Yourself, Pet Crocodile, Hammy Sagar, The P’Zone Cometh, The Point of Bubble Baths, Cornbread Drones, Whoopie Cushion Strategy Guide

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother, mean advisor for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. Hey, it's your baby brother, Griffin McElroy, 30 under 30. Man, I hope I make the cut. I'm really worried about downsizing here and my brother and my

brother and me. I'm really afraid that when it comes down to it, if we don't hit our goals, if we don't make budget this year, I think the middlest is the first to go because what do I even do? Well, we're going more peer to peer and the peers are me and Justin. And so we don't need an intermediary. I'm literally the middle man. Yeah, you know how on the show, I'll do a joke and then you'll say it and then Justin will laugh at it. And then sometimes it goes the other way. I know. I've been thinking maybe instead of the three of us being on two, two-way calls with you, Travis, me and Justin could just fucking call each other.

Whoa, but hey, if you do that, then how do I, then what would I do? So anyway, this little skit is something that we came up with at Bible Study and we wanted to do it on you so that you would know the real life stakes of the Max Fun Drive 2019 week two. That's right. If we don't hit 25,000 new and upgrading donors, I'm out. I'm out on the street. I am really excited to welcome a new addition to the sound board. Yeah. As you know, the sound board, as it stands now, here's a quick update. It's got this music. Is that a good volume for you? I mean, no volume is a good volume on the sound board. Okay.

Okay. But here's the new, here's the new one. Are you ready? Yeah. And this is to remind people, every time you hear this, I want to create a Pavlovian response that every time you hear this sound, it makes you go to maximumfund.org forward slash donate and increase your support of the Max Fun Network specifically, the shows that we make. Here it comes. You ready? Well, every time, every single time. You ready? I think, I think Travis, once you hear this new sound board addition, I feel like you're,

you are going to retract your incredulity. Is this the sound, was that it? No, that wasn't it. Here it comes. One more time. One more time. One more time, I guess. One more, wait, what? Yeah, give me some volume. Give me some gain on that. Okay. Here it comes.

Get that money. Yeah. One more time. Just one more time. Get that money. Now, Justin, could you, and I'm horrified to ask this, use it in a sentence? Sure. Travis will be forced to leave that show if we don't. Get that money. Okay.

So who did you get to do the word money? I actually got Brad, I got Brad Garrett. Oh. Wow. Yeah. Can you make him say something else? Sure. Do that now? Do that right now?

Now, now please. He's, no listen, I can't afford to, Toronto! Sorry, I didn't mean to do that. I can't afford to- That Brad Garrett, what? Is that Brad Garrett decided to be at Toronto doing an impression of Kiss? Yes. Paul Stanley?

Can you, can we do a stretch goal where if we hit 30,000 new and upgrading donors for the Maximum Fun Drive, I want to get four big men to stand on the sound board with all of their weight and see what happens after that. I cannot state my disdain for this new feature loudly or enthusiastically. It would probably sound, it would probably sound a little something like this. Oh, Jesus Christ. There's something like this. Well, goodbye, everybody.

Anyway, MaximumFun.org forward slash donate is the address. We are trying to get 25,000 new and upgrading donors. Your support of the Maximum Fun Network around 75% of that goes directly to the shows that you say you listen to when you fill out the brief survey upon donating. The rest goes to help fund the great work at Maximum Fun that includes doing this drive and the pledge gifts, which include at our $5 donor per month level, you get over 225 hours of bonus time. Did you run the math on that?

It's like the best value in entertainment, I think. Which includes us doing all manner of garbage. I mean, just like videos and weird stuff, other, other like weird recordings. This, this year, our wives once again recorded an episode of my slim slam, my sister-in-law, my sister-in-law, me. There's a new episode commentary featuring us in JD Yamato for episode three, I think, of the My Brother, My Brother, Me TV show. The famous Travis Does It Hit episode.

Yeah, if you want to hear all the dirty secrets behind that. Also, I did a toilet crime behind the scenes that episode that JD fully puts me on blast about. Oh, yeah. At the $10 month level, you're going to get all that content. Plus, you're going to get to choose one of several fantastic pins. $20 a month, you get the pins, you get the bonus content, and you get a beautiful puzzle featuring the view outside the Maxfun offices. It is, it is not about the gifts.

Those are nice. It's about supporting content that you feel should be in the world. What do you want to see more of? Do you want to see more nasty superheroes? Baddling it out. More of those raunchy, just sweaty. I see Shazam just, and his penis everywhere. And the lightning bolt, obviously pointing right down to his region.

Oh my God, Griffin, you have transitioned directly into, I think, a perfect opening for this week's episode of My Brother, My Brother, Me. It's a Shazam watch. Okay, good. Shazam watch. Shazam the movie is coming in April 5th. Now, it looks like there might be some sneak preview showings in the Huntington area, looking at some early reconnaissance that I have here.

I've already seen it. And let me tell you my favorite part of the movie. Yes. Is that every so often, someone will be walking around with Shazam, and a song will start playing on the radio overhead, and people will look at him and say, what's that song? And he has an encyclopedic knowledge of what the song is. And Shazam.

Oh man, Trav, you got to know that's a stinker. And this is the episode where you ask, this is the episode where you ask people for cash. Oh, I get it, because it's like the app. Oh boy, is he Trav, and you just pot your pot committed to the stinky joke. No, because it's a real thing that happens in the movie. I know, but it's Zachary Levi is a boy who gets bigified into a superhero, and there's a lot to play with there. But you made an app pun, like a young, like a teen dad.

I sure did. Can we talk about the muscles? The muscles on the Zachary Levi costume of Shazam. Shazam is a story about a beautiful boy who's learning all about being a teen, and he transforms into Chuck sometimes with the power of lightning that he has harnessed. Well, when he eats a spicy food. When he eats a spicy food, he transforms into Chuck from the show Chuck, and he just gets crazy on it.

And he is having so many fun adventures. And what I could tell from the previous, he also brings, even though he is now a superhero boy with invincibility and strength or whatever, brings a normal human boy with him into dangerous situations. As near as I can tell, he's bringing another young boy who's just learning about his teenage body. What do I have to eat to get a big adult body? Well, come with me to danger, I guess, where there's guns and stuff. Well, will your superpowers make me also invincible?

I don't know. Maybe we'll find out. But whenever a criminal threatens Shazam, he uses his big adult Chuck body to kill them with his strength. Yes. And I love that. That's probably my favorite thing. It takes a dark turn.

Never really deal with that, but Iron Man has killed a lot of people with his rockets and lasers. Yeah, but he was an adult. He was a jaded adult. Fair, fair, fair. Can Shazam vote? Huh. I hope there's a scene about that in the movie where he uses his greatest superpower, the ability to vote.

There is a protracted scene where Shazam dies. That way, how long? It's about 14 minutes long. He dies of an undiagnosed liver infection. And it is extremely sad. It's right in the middle of a fight, and he just dies. That's my one weakness. And then at the end, his torso explodes open and the boy climbs out.

And it's very much attack on Titan, which you didn't expect, except instead of a big, scary Titan, it is Zachary Levi's huge adult body. I love it. A big, scary Levi. I love it. It takes him a long time to get through the suit because it's made of super stuff. I have a question. When's Shazam 2 coming out?

That's what's on my plate right now, is I feel like I've already absorbed every part of this, and I would love to know when is Shazam 2 due? When's it coming? In two months. It's out in June. They're doing another one. Six a year. That's what he signed up for.

So the second one is just called Shazam 2 colon, pubes, and this one's mostly about the pubic experience. There is. Okay. Thank you, Griffin, for reminding me. There is a 13 minute scene earlier in the film just before the liver cancer. Before the undiagnosed liver infection claims Shazam, there is an earlier scene where he marvels in the thick forest of pubic air for roughly 13 minutes just lifting up his golden off camera.

Don't worry, it's very tasteful. You just watch his beautiful boyfriend, his friend boy, the young boy who brings in a danger with him, sits in an adjacent room and continues to turn up the television louder and louder to try to cover the sound of his friend marveling. Look at it. Now I see why people call it a bush. I bet it's invincible, he yells. It looks like the prickly mulberry bush outside of my mom's house because mom and dad are divorced

and I can't put them back together with my superpowers. But whoa, these pubes though. Don't turn up, Mori Povich, listen to me. It's a good flick, got a lot of hearts. April 5th, get there. It's probably doing good on rotten tomatoes, I haven't looked. Mark Strong's in it, he's a talent. I do enjoy Mark Strong.

Mark Strong's a huge talent. Can we do it? Yeah, first question. Yeah, when is Shazam 2 coming in? All right, I already told you. That was the first one. My girlfriend and I went out for brunch at a diner near her home to find it was much busier than usual. We're able to get a table and enjoy our meal with only slight delays,

but it appears we've been forgotten and our check isn't coming. We've been served by a rotating cast, so we're not sure who to even ask, and all the servers are moving at lightning speeds with arms full of plates, so interrupting them seems like a bad idea. What is our next move? Do we dine and dash from a place we really like and would like to return to? Do we live in this diner now? And that's from Munch Money Misgivings in Minneapolis.

This is, you know that dine and dash is not an option, right? It's 2019 and it's not 2015. And so that's not an option anymore. No, because the government, the GPS will, there's dine and dash and then get followed by satellites. Because of all the nanotech in the meatloaf. Yes, there's nanotech in all foods. So that's Justin's brand now.

You know not to dine and dash. I don't know what to tell you on this. These people are doing their jobs and you gotta just assert yourself and squeak you wheel it and go get your own fucking check. Just punch it into the machine. It's easy. What table are you seated at? Look, count the number of tables around the room.

Whatever number you land on when you stop is yours. And you go up and you tap that number. And now what's the dollar sign say? 15, that's good. That's how much you do it for. And if it's not yours, then you just paid it forward. And it also kind of sounds like they're super busy. Maybe once you're done ringing in your own check,

maybe grab a tray and maybe bus a table or two. Yeah, get your fucking hands dirty. By which I mean dunk them in the soup and start just giving it to people. Yeah, what's that? Order up. Here's a handful of soup. Oh, thank you. I've been waiting for 10 minutes for my soup.

And when the outback steakhouse manager comes out and says, you've got to stop. You've got to stop. You got to say, well, if you're not going to fill this charge that you've been given, then you can't complain when somebody else decides to do your fucking dirty work, Broderick. And when Broderick tries to fire you, you say, are you ready to pay my unemployment? Because I haven't been given any written warnings yet.

So if you jump right through termination, I'll see you in court. There is, we give a lot of guff to, we give a lot of guff to cash, dirty, filthy money. You know, but there is something to be said for the ability of being able to figure out how much your meal is, calculate in a tip, and then just leave some money and just walk. You can bolt whatever you want to. Yeah, just when you look at your money and you think it's disgusting, because statistically, every dollar has been touched by a bug at some point. Yuck.

But you got to look at it like they're awesome blossom coupons, awesome, they're tickets to an awesome blossom experience. And you can just leave them on the table and scoot at all and not worry about it. You know, I've been a waiter slash server slash host several times at different places. And I think that if like I had a table full of people and then I looked over and they were gone, I would immediately, oh, and I go look at the table and I'd be like, oh, there's like three twenties here. Huh. That could be fun. I guess maybe the money is in like physical form. That's weird.

I hope they enjoyed their mimosas or whatever. I wish there had been four twenties. Oh, you almost had a good joke. There's four twenties here. That's good. Edit that anger. I'm glazed. Well, I have to delete yours, Justin. You okay with that? Yeah, I didn't. I don't remember having one.

So it won't be missed. Yeah, I think that was asked an answer. How about a Yahoo? I'd love that, dude. Here's love. Yeah, Adrian Cal sent this one. Rip it. Rip it. Get it out here. All right. It's asked by Goji fan who asks,

if you raise a crocodile since its birth, will it ever turn on you? No. Next question. Justin, you have an opinion? No. All right. As long as it doesn't taste human flesh. Yeah, it does once, and that's pretty much the ball game, I think. That's true of most animals, though.

Like most pets, at least. Don't let that turtle get a nip. Oh, God. We've all seen the videos of the people who grew up with the lions, or rather the lions grew up with them, and then they don't see the lions for a grip, and then they come back and see the lions and the lions charge at them, and you're like, fucking all right, here we go. But then they just hug them.

I don't know that a crocodile is going to do this. I don't know that a crocodile is going to be like, is that you, Davis? And then run up to you and throw their scaly arms around your soft, supple neck. I don't think you're going to get that exchange. I've always loved you, Brian. I don't know how crocodile shows its affection, except for not running fast at you and snapping its big jaws.

Do you ever think, whenever I see like those unlikely animal friends, and it's like a lion and like a Labrador retriever, all I can think is that the Labrador retriever is like, ha ha, yeah, we're friends. Get me out of here. Get me the fuck, what are you fucking doing? Look at this thing, it's so big. You're a lion. Ah, yeah, let's play with the ball. The fun thing about the unlikely friends, animal friends,

is that every time you see one of those, know that the beginning of that story is some cat who's like, I don't know, maybe. Fuck it, I'm drunk. Also, for every like one of those you see, there's 18 that didn't quite pan out. Sure. That they just didn't click on a friend level.

I'm trying to think of what a crocodile's friend is, and I'm thinking about these birds that ride on the crocodile's back, sometimes just chilling in the middle of the lake, or the swimming pool. And then I think that's the only one that they're going to get, because if a bird can feel the wind changing, can feel a single drop of sweat forming on their crocodile friend, their crocodile life partner below them,

and know that the chomp is coming, and then they can immediately leave upwards. They can leave in a direction that the crocodile cannot follow. I feel like it's a lot more like Dread Pirate Roberts at that point, like almost likely kill you in the morning, like, cool, cool. I'm going to sit here so I don't have to keep flying. I'm fairly tired.

Extremely tired. All right. I used to love playing rock band and guitar hero when I was a kid. I recently dug out my old, I'm sorry, they have a curse word here, but I'll just say it, shitty plastic instruments. Do we have to? Do we have to go blue?

Out of my attic and found I was missing a set of drumsticks. There are a few music stores within driving distance where I can buy some, but I don't really play the drums. I'm afraid someone will ask me something about my drums. Or what kind of drumsticks I want, or really anything at all. I'll look so stupid.

What do I do? I mean, there are electric drums, right? Like you could say I'm an electric drummer. They probably don't see that. Tell me about what kind of electric drum set you got. I have a... Get the fuck out of here. You're a fucking liar.

No, no, no. I know the brand. It's a microphone dice. What? Monitor. Microphone dice monitor. Are you just looking around your own room? Look at that bass.

You see? It's good beats. It's a good beats. It is not. It is not a good beats. Good beats hasn't put out a drum set in over 20 years. It's vintage. It's vintage?

Really? It's a vintage good beats drum set. Where did you get a vintage good beats? Those are like $50,000. Got to hear. That's just a guy in the background playing the guitar really loud so that you know how good he is. Every music store ever ready.

Could you keep a down guy on guitar? I'm talking to this dude about his vintage $50,000 good beats. Yeah, sure. Put the headphones in. Okay. So tell me more about what kind of drum set you've seen. You're singing out loud. Excuse me.

You're saying it out loud while you're playing. Yeah, I do that. It helps me visualize the tunes. What's up? It's me, Sammy Hagar. In my store? Sorry, I said it wrong. It's me, Hammy Sagar.

Hammy, you got to talk to this dude about his $50,000 vintage good beats. Oh no, he already stole all the drum sticks and ran out the door while you were talking. It's the perfect crime. Yeah, he never saw that. So get Hammy Sagar. You're working with it. Your local Sammy Hagar impressionist.

You're working with the Jilbin? There's one of those letters, man. Wait, are you really Hammy Sagar? Maybe. I just burst out of your brother's torso. No, I'm a podcast man. Whoa. I don't know how they're in a bit.

Are there any famous drummers? Okay, like let's say, how about there? Keith Moon, Ringo Starr. Keith Moon's dead, that's not good. Yeah, let's say Ringo Starr. Can you go in and say you are buying your Ringo Starr's assistant? And he's doing a concert nearby. You don't know fucking anything about drums.

And I need a pair of drums, right? Drumsticks. And they're like, what kind of drums do you play? And then you can be like, I think you should know it's Ringo Starr. You tell me what kind of drums he plays. And then they feel like the idiot, because they don't know, and they're just going to sheepishly sell you them at a great rate. Or better yet, like when he's like, what kind of drums?

They're like, I don't know, it's my first day working for him and start crying. Yeah. You'll probably get a discount at that point. You could also say, let me get some drumsticks. And they'll say, oh, what kind of set do you play? And you're like, no, it's for eating corn cobs off of. Now I just have big hands.

So traditional chopsticks don't work for me. They don't work for me. I'm Hammy Sagar. Look at my huge palms. I have to use drumsticks because I want everything I eat to taste like rock and roll. Oh. No, I'm trying to fight some rock vampires.

And this is the only way I'm going to be able to get close to them. Itadakimasu. It's me, Hammy Sagar, ready to enjoy this delicious meal you've prepared for me. Does Sammy Hagar have a restaurant? Does Sammy see should, shouldn't he? Yeah, it seems like he does. I want to follow my spirit on this and just google

Sammy Hagar restaurant and to see Sammy Hagar's beach bar and grill. Fuck yes. It just seemed like he would. And then he did check and mate. He's got five. Holy shit. If you want to enjoy Sammy's beach bar and grill, you can head to Glamorous, Honolulu, Maui, Las Vegas, Cleveland,

Southland Park Gaming and Racing Center in Arkansas. And I bet Cleveland, it's close to the hall of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Maybe, maybe. When I'm walking through the hallowed halls of the Hall of Fame, learning about all my favorite rock legends, I see Sammy Hagar not in there, I think. All I can think is boy, I wonder what this man could do to set a chicken winks. And that's how he made it into the cooking hall of fame.

True. Multidisciplinary. Can we talk about the Max Fun drive again? Because it's been so long that I'm starting to get the jitters. I would love to. Can I take? Okay. All right.

Yep. So fucking funny, dude. Thanks, dude. So here's, here's what I would say. Can I be personal for a moment? Get personally? Let me open my heart like Shazam and let my little kid inside out. All right.

I keep a boy in my chest. Okay. What do you, what do you want to say here? No, that's what I want to say. I keep a boy in my chest. Geez, Travis. But I wouldn't be able to do that if it weren't for donors. Well, you're a, you're a broad-shouldered gentleman.

So I could see somebody meet David in here with a certain amount of comfort. You could have also gone with Cranon. I would have given you that. Yeah. I think there's a thing in Men in Black where there's a person inside a person's chest. Anyways, we are all at this point full-time professional podcasters. And the only reason we are able to do that is because of donors,

because of Max Fun Drive and the Max Fun Donors. And it's one of those things where, and I tweeted about this last week, but I do about every four weeks, 14 episodes of content for Max Fun. And that's a lot. But the reason I do that, and the reason I care about it so much, is I know how much it matters to you. You know, I see people tweet about it all year, and people show it to our shows.

But during Max Fun Drive, I get this big burst of inspiration, because I see all these people saying, this is why this matters to me. This is why I love Max Fun. This is why I love my brother, my brother and me, and the Adventure Zone, and Sawbones, and Shmanners, and Wonderful, and trends like these, and still buffering. And that just, it fills me with so much joy and gratitude.

And horny power. And horny power. And that horny power is what fuels me for another year. That horny fire in my soul just keeps me going. Yeah. I think what Travis is trying to say is, you can support the things that you care about, and that you want to be in the world.

And that support means the world to us, even no matter what level it is. We get a lot of tweets from people saying, sorry, I can only do $5 a month. That's huge. That is you advocating for the stuff that we make. And that's the most meaningful thing that you can do for a creator. And you've been so kind to us in the past with your donations and your support.

So if you just started listening, or maybe you're listening to more shows on the network, consider donating. You get to pick the shows you want to directly support, and your money will go to them. And yeah, this is the time of year where just think about what you have gotten out of the shows that we make. And if you have the means and you feel comfortable doing so,

go to maximalfund.org slash donate and get those great rewards, like the bonus content at $5 or the pins at $10. There's a lot of options there. This is also the best time to upgrade your donation. Maybe you can remember for a while, and you've started listening to more shows, or they filled an even more important part of your life, whatever. Maybe you got a big raise at work or whatever.

Maybe it's time to bump up from $5 to $10 or $10 to $20. And when you do, you will also get some of those newer rewards for this year. And I also want to say one last thing before we move on to other questions. I know that not everybody can donate. There was a time in my life where $5 a month was out of the question for stuff like this. But you can still help out by going to Twitter or Instagram or whatever social media you use and sharing the link, maximalfund.org, forward slash donate, and use the hashtag MaxFunDrive and tell people why they should donate

and why the shows matter and why, you know, like if you have a friend who, you know, listens to the show and, you know, maybe say to them like, Hey, did you know the MaxFunDrive is going on? And make sure that they know about it. All those things really help us out. Can we just talk real quick about the bonus? Just like, can I just talk about the bonus content real quick?

Go for it. You can get $5 a month. Just our shows, right? There are one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11 bonus episodes of My Brother, My Brother, Me and There, which includes the Ghost Horse Fugue for Brother Horne's demo by Lin-Manuel Miranda. Him singing that demo is in there. The one and only episode of BigGulp Live is in...

Archives in there. There's videos of us goofing on, like, educational videos. There is Stillbuffering played D&D. We played Honey Heist for Taz. It was really fun and funny. We also played, Lin and us played Dungeons and Dragons one time, and he was a bard and it was really fun. And there's just, like, so much great stuff in there,

and you get access to all of it for donating $5 a month. I think it would really mean a lot to us. One last thing, and I'm recording this after the fact, if you can't tell because we forgot to mention it, we are going to do a few other stretch goals for numbers we hit as, you know, the whole MaxFun community for this drive. The first thing may be relevant if you know the history of my brother and my brother and me and our failures at 12,500 new and upgrading MaxFun members,

which is half of our station-wide goal of 25,000. We're going to put out the May the 4th Star Wars episode that we did live at Detroit, the Detroit Disaster episode. We're going to put that in the donor bonus feed, which, again, you get access to at $5 a month. And at 15,000 new and upgrading MaxFun members, we're going to put out the episode of the Adventure Zone Elementary that we recorded on the JoCo Cruise, in which we had a fifth Sherlock Holmes, who was Pat Rothfuss.

And that one, wow, the mystery really got away from us that time. So yeah, two additional bonus episodes that we're going to put up as stretch goals, and we may do some more later on this week. I don't know what's soundboard and what's not soundboard anymore. What? I want a Munch Squad. I want to Munch Squad. I put a little British F Fuzz on that one and a little bit of British Stank.

I got a little, uh, is the AC DC out of that? What's that? A little bit of AC DC or AC... Or air conditioned and air conditioned. Air conditioned Dave Cooley, as they sometimes are known. It's back. Pizza Hut brings back Colt favorite Pizzone from March Madness. Folks, the Pizzone is back.

This isn't even that funny of a one. It's more like MaxFunDrive time to give back public service announcement. The Pizzone is back. That means I have to stop referring to a person's genital triangle as their Pizzone, because now it means something else again. It could get confusing if you're like, Hey, could I have some of your Pizzone? And they're like, Oh, my genital triangle. No, no, no.

It's a perfect addition to any March Madness watch party. Customers can choose from pepperoni, meaty and supremo recipes. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So you got a lot of options. Here's a quote from Marianne Radley, the chief brand officer of Pizza Hut. The macaroys talk about this all the time. So we thought we might as well bring it back.

It's not a wiener. March Madness is not a wiener. It's one of the most captivating sports moments of the year. We're excited to bring that back to Pizzone as part of our $5 lineup. During a time when friends and family will be gathering in anticipation and excitement. Boy, it sounds like Marianne has maybe never been to a party before. You know how when your friends and family gather in anticipation and excitement, do you mean a party to watch sports, Marianne?

You guys want to come over and anticipate another basketball game with me? I guess. I mean, if you're listen, Marianne, who is not a robot continues, even if your team doesn't advance in the tournament. Even if the human players don't score enough points. If ball does not enter ring a satisfactory number of times. The comeback of the Pizzone is something we know all fans can rally around. I see here you've written at the end of your bracket, the Pizzone back baby.

And you're right. Here's $25 million. You won the universal bracket comeback. You won it. Hey, Pizza Hut, bring back the Bigfoot, you fucking cowards. I want to achieve my life's goal of being crushed to death by a Bigfoot pizza falling over on me. And that's not going to happen without your help. God, this is fucking press release.

It continues. The ads, there's going to be ads during March Madness for the Pizzone. The ads include some of the most famous March Madness reaction memes from recent years. That sounds pretty good. From recent years, like the what just happened whale featuring John Phillips, a diehard Northwestern fan and viral sensation from the 2017 NCAA tournament. All right. It's just like, are you advertising the memes that are in your thing?

Is that what's going on? Yeah, I guess this is a guy who got sad in a way that everyone really liked. And so because of him, I will eat your pizza zone. I get so hungry seeing other people's disappointment and sadness. It was sad in a way that I thought I found entertaining in a big way. So I did make me hungry for your pizza zone. Yes, a lack of empathy really gets me salivating. I'm just trying to find a clip of this fucking this fucking sound like this whale that apparently

is so funny, they've got to use it to sell pizza calzones. What happened? Well, the what happened whale. I'm not moving on until I can find it. So just warning you. Now, the first thing that comes up for me is an article from the Natural History Museum that says what happens to a whale when it dies? It's probably not that, right?

I'm reading about a whale prison. God, like the first result is just this kid. This kid, it's just a jiff. It's just a jiff of a kid. I mean, it's just a jiff of a kid who's sad about basketball. Like it's just a jiff of a kid who's sad about basketball. I want to watch this guy get sad and have a fun time. I'm going to put it in the thing.

It's just it's nothing. It's from 2017. This kid's got a home and three kids by now. What is what is what is marketable about this? Well, he's really he's genuinely sad. He's the son of the athletic director of the losing team. I imagine he's quite upset about his father's, you know, his father's, his father's, his father's shameful sports to be watching this

watching this child. This has no retweets and no likes. Yeah, there was somebody at Pizza Hut who very much enjoyed watching this boy watch his father get sports defeated and thought that it's going to sell mad zones. It's just you can't even find. So the Northwestern kid, I guess it was a thing. He was just really sad about the sports. Yeah, he was just a sad boy.

It was just a sad boy who was sad about the game. Anyway, I remember when my dad got fired from the radio station and fell down a flight of stairs on his way out and I cried. And then someone took a picture of that and then they started selling Big Macs with it. OK, this this goes on to brag about Bookit and it says the literacy project. You know, Bookit read books, you get free pizza. It says here in partnership with Phillips, who is Phillips. I guess the boy, the crying boy.

After my dad bought the big game, I read a bunch of books. They're partnering with the boy to provide equal access to books and educational resources. Pizza Hut is donating $20,000. Wow, you shouldn't have. You made that five minutes ago, you fuckos. Really, $20,000 Pizza Hut. Are you sure? But they're making the sad boy pay for it.

He's got to wash dishes at a Pizza Hut to earn that $20,000. Griffin, you had a yahoo all lined up for us before I so rudely interrupted you. So I have a yahoo here that was sent in by Kalen. Thanks, Kalen. It's yahoo answers user Dan, who asks, I don't get it. What's the point of bubble bath? Ever since I was a kid, I never understood what the deal is with bubble bath. Does it get you cleaner than just soap and water?

Or is it just a stupid load of crud? Or is it or is it meant to make you feel like you're a millionaire when you ain't? Or or does it have some function I never understood? Like, is the whole point of it so you can have someone else in the room while you're bathing and they can't see your private parts because of the bubbles? Or is bubble bath just totally pointless? This person just listed three great things about bubble bath, and they're still wondering what the point of it is.

You're getting it. Yeah, there's not some secret hidden bubble bath agenda that you're... Yeah, that's it. It makes you feel like a millionaire when you ain't. That's the first thing, no question. Two, people can't see your private parts. You could not show the act of bathing in most films without or else, you know? Yes.

Or take tasteful pictures of your toddlers because there's a bubble bath and it's adorable. So funny. Oh, it looks like they've got a beard and a hat on and you can't see the person. And Travis has just touched on the next thing, which is the Santa beard is very good. Santa beard is very good. I bet this guy goes to the park where kids are playing with bubble wands. He's like, what's the point? Does it get you clean?

Does it get you high? Does it get you high? These bubbles get you kids high? I don't get it. I do want to say this about bubble bath. I wish there was an off switch. Once you board the bubble bath train, you can't go back to water bath. You simply cannot.

And it is for this reason that I used to draw a bubble bath for my son and I did it for a while. And then he started just requesting no bubbles. He's the only two-year-old that I know of who's like, I'll just do a water one this time and every time. I hate those bubbles because you can't turn them off. They are just always there once you do them. And you can't actually. It's so hard to rinse bubbles off like you.

Yeah, it is a. Yeah, it bubbles bubble baths are a lot. Also, if kids are really young, you shouldn't do bubble baths. It's bad for their skin, especially people with young people with the vaginas. It's not great for them. Just a little PSA for me. I would like to pitch this a new bubble bath strat. Okay.

Make a little bucket of bubble bath on the side. Then you can place the, you can do the bubble hat. You could do the bubble beard. You could even tastefully place some bubble coverage, but you have sequestered the bubbles over in a safe area where they can be admired. Oh, those are some great bubbles, but they're not over here infesting my whole bath zone. That's fun. There's also this, a second bathtub that sits in the ceiling above your current bathtub.

Uh-huh. And when you fill up your bathtub, upstairs bathtub also gets filled up. And then when you want the bubbles in your fun bath to go away, when the person's left the room and you can lock your genitals to really just scuba around down there without being obfuscated by the sides, then you pull the lever and this the floor of your tub opens up. And it falls out of the house. And then the floor of the upstairs bath opens and it instantly refills with clean, beautiful, easy breezy, beautiful bubble free water.

And grommet brings you a sandwich or whatever. And then your breakfast gets made and your Mr. Bean or whatever. Mr. T cereal pours out. You only eat like two pieces of it. You can laugh at me, but let me ask you this. Okay. You ever seen Mr. Bean's dick? Oh, Griffin, please don't make me talk about this again.

I didn't realize it was Sunday afternoon already. It's time for a regular weekly conference call with Griffin. Have you ever seen Mr. Bean's dick? Listen, they had to put butts in the seats in Johnny English 3 somehow. Griffin, by the last time, Johnny English isn't Mr. Bean. You can fucking pry that out of my cold, dead hands. You can lean over my casket at my funeral and be like, it's not true. That's the only way you're going to take that from me,

but because he is Mr. Bean and he talks normaler. He gets up in a wacky hygiene seat. He fucking, you know, his pants falls down and he doesn't do being a spy good. Hello. Does that sound like Mr. Bean who goes into the museum and makes a big mess? Hello, McFly. I can't believe that you're not on my side on this. I'm actually kind of heartbroken about it.

I feel like you're just being devil's advocate. No, I'm sorry, Griffin. All right. It's a different person. He's also not the same guy from the remake of Rat Race. He is similar though. The Mr. Bean, Mr. Bean is very similar to the guy from Rat Race. I think he only says the one thing in it.

It's a race. But he's also not Black Outer. Black Outer is a completely different character. That's different. That one's different. But the other ones where he's Mr. Bean, I think he's actually Mr. Bean in those. So like, wait, so does Johnny English come before Mr. Bean where maybe he sees too much

and he's like, I'll never speak again. I'm never. Johnny English never comes before anyone. He's a proper British gentleman that knows how to make a lover last. He knows to take care of it. It's like he's Chinese food. It's not over till he makes the cookies. That's the line from Alec Baldwin's movie.

Boss Baby. The Shadow, hey, Boss Baby. I watched Boss Baby fucking twice on the cruise. How was your guys' cruise? I had fun. I didn't get diarrhea. Against the will of God and Man. And I watched Boss Baby twice.

Pretty good. Pretty good time. I think I had. As you know, there's a Netflix series. You can just transition straight into that. I think it's on its eighth season. Six episodes of our show and TV was done, but we've got, we're up to six seasons of Boss Baby,

Bossing Around or whatever the Netflix show is called. Are you really trying to compare the quality of our show to the quality of Boss Baby Griffin? Or Justin? Which one are you? No. I mean, the animation is about equal, but the voices. In ours are a lot better. All right.

Let's not, you don't remember who made it. So be nice. Oh, you're right. It is a DreamWorks thing. Get that. Sorry, DreamWorks. He got me on that one. That one, it seemed really good.

No, I thought that one worked. Yeah. Uh, you should do the next one. Also, I did have a lot of fun with Boss Baby. The National Cornbread Festival is coming up next month, and I was thinking of checking it out. Fuck yeah. Why not?

Fuck yeah. Get there. Why not? I noticed the words, no drones allowed. We're written at the bottom of every single page in bold orange font. I reached out to the organizers through email about a week ago. Bless you. Good for you.

Excellent. I reached out to the organizers through email about a week ago, but I've not gotten a response. And it doesn't state why they're banned anywhere on the site. I hope when you reached out to them, you emailed to say, hey, I know, I get it, but can I bring one drone? I'll just be cool. Just the one drone.

Uh, man. It doesn't say anywhere. And so why are drones banned? How can I find this out? Now we've been making a push recently for, uh, more, more, just really got to send advice questions. Um, I, however, have gone to nationalcornbread.com and have found that really prominently at the bottom of every single page,

it does say no drones allowed in huge orange letters. And I don't understand. It's like, it's really prominent. The only reason that happens is if at a past cornbread festival, they did not have this rule, some drone showed up and ruined everything. Yeah. I mean, man, it's really just on the masthead there, huh? It's above their address.

They, yeah, it's above their ad. If you can imagine this friend, if you're, if you're not at a computer at the bottom of the page, there's like the links for Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. Boy, I bet the Instagram of a national cornbread festival. Just going to bookmark that click away. Oh, it's a bunch of cornbread up on here. Yeah.

It looks actually really delicious. Um, now that I'm looking and then at the bottom of the page, there's like their address in white and then above that in three times is big font in huge orange letters. It says no drones allowed. So did the website maybe used to be something else? And then they had updated every part of it, but couldn't figure out how to remove no drones allowed from the masthead.

No drones allowed. Do you think, do drones eat? Oh, okay. Yeah, I got Brad Garrett to do that too. I got Brad Garrett to say no drones allowed. Do drones eat cornbread? They do like it. I don't, but like, do they like it more than the rest of us?

I don't know. I just said, listen, if I worked hard to make some, and I'm hoping to like, win the blue ribbon, make some like award-winning cornbread, right? And then a drone swoops in and eats it all up before just again. What am I supposed to, how am I supposed to stop a drone Griffin? Now I will say there's, let's Occam's razor this, because what's more likely, drones love to eat and enjoy and digest

and then I guess shit cornbread. Or at the National Cornbread Festival in South Pittsburgh, Tennessee, there was executed the fucking heist of the century, an aerial cornbread escape. And nary, nary a flake of this, this sweet yellow bread crossed the gums of the attendees and participants of the festival as they lifted off into the skies. And they even did the thing that they do at the Super Bowl sometimes

where it'll form words like maroon five or Pepsi good. And it said like, you know, fuck use this, you know, biscuits or where it's at from the National Biscuit Council. It was a spite thing? It's possible. I love that. I thought it was good. I thought you were headed towards like,

a supervillain who has like a crazy craving for some cornbread. And they've stolen like 5,000 pounds of cornbread right under the nose of that cornbread festival who's always thwarting them. Yeah. And another possibility is that if you see the way that the tents are lined up and the parking lots are lined up and the corn maze is lined up,

the whole thing when seen from way above bird's eye view, and this is just an accident. It's just kind of how it came together. It does look like a dog sitting on its butt with a huge boner. And they don't want anyone to know. And it's too late to change it. Do you think maybe the organizers of the cornbread festival are worried that people would show up just like super excited for cornbread?

And then they'd look up and like, oh, shit, are those robots flying in the sky? Yeah, fuck cornbread. I want to find out about this. Yeah, that's way more interesting. I'm going to SkyBot festival. So it should list some other things that are more interesting than cornbread like yo-yos or bread.

Pencils, paper. There's so many pictures on the cornbread festival website of people pretending to be super jazzed about the idea of cornbread. Tell me wrong. I love cornbread. But these people, it is as if they have never eaten food before. I kind of really want to go now. I tweeted that.

I see that Justin is now tweeted, hey, our drone's allowed at the cornbread festival to the cornbread festival. And that's all. And then I just followed up with that afterwards with just one because I want to make it clear. I don't want to bring a lot of drones, just the one drone. And this is a fun thing that Justin likes to do to Twitter accounts with 600 followers is sort of just sort of bring the hammer down on them.

A joke hammer. How about a Yahoo? Yeah, I'd love that. Thank you. So here's one that was sent in by Jessica Williams. Thank you, Jessica. It is from Yahoo Answers user. Oh, they are anonymous.

So I'm going to call them Sally Sally asks, was I right to leave the party because there was nowhere for me to sit? Yesterday, my grandma had a party at her house. My whole family went and extended family to it started at like 10am. And I got there at 12pm. I drove there to find there were no seats. I walked in the backyard and everyone was sitting down. And I got offended because no one offered me a seat.

I would have had to stand up the whole time. So I got my car and left. Was I right to do that? Now the whole family is talking about me and thinks I'm weird. Here's the thing that Sally wasn't isn't telling us. It's not her family. Oh, I see. She showed up and was like, oh, she's back.

And she's like, no one's given me a seat. And she laughed at everyone was super relieved. Yeah. Also Sally is a baby black bear who just keeps coming onto my lot and keeps falling in my swimming pool and scaring my my child a lot. That's possible. It could also be that you showed up two hours late to your grandma's radical party. And so maybe you don't get maybe you just don't get a seat. How long was grandma's party going that two hours was an acceptable window to you?

Did grandma put 10am to question mark? You're ready all day. Now if it's a Memorial Day thing in Ironton, that's kind of a come and go situation. Like you can cut because you're going to be going to all the neighbors houses. Yes, especially if it's on the parade route. Oh, forget about it. Especially if you've got an easily accessible bathroom. People are going to be hitting you up all day long.

Hey, Bill, it's Steve. Yeah, whatever. Where's the crap for you? Of course. Yeah. Love it. So good catching up. I got a shoe to do.

Awesome. Thank you for your service. I never actually can I shit in here? That's a closet. Okay. This would be generally speaking. Is it okay to leave a party because there's nowhere for you to sit? I certainly in my collegiate days before I learned how to speak to other human beings,

I left parties for far less reasonable reasons than this reason. Like too drunk reason. Too drunk or someone showed up who looked like someone that I had beef with, but it didn't end up to be then. There were drones there. Or you thought you heard an ice cream truck. You thought you heard an ice cream truck. You got to chase that shit down.

Got to see what's happening out there. I think that rather than tell someone like if someone's like, hey, Sally, why'd you leave the party? Don't say there weren't enough seats there. Say I knew there were more seats somewhere else. And now that's good. That's what put us positive. Right.

And it's like, I'm still at the party. I'm just sitting down at my house. Now I have annexed my house as part of your party, because that's where I knew the seat was. What if you told me you went to buy more chairs, but the chair store had burned down? Oh, yeah. So you went home because it was very far away from the original party.

Yeah. You can do what I do whenever I show up to any social function, which is walk into the room and introduce my presence. And then just very, very slowly start sitting down wherever I am. Hope that somebody puts a chair under me. And I make a big deal out of it. Like, oh, how often does that work? Oh, no.

Here I go. Gonna, I hope I don't smash my tukis on the ground. Someone please give me a thing to land. Oh, no, I'm almost losing my balance. Think of my tukis. Now, Griffin, you have broken your coccyx like 80 times, right? I don't. It's really just kind of a metal.

It's kind of mostly just a truck hitch back there at this point, which is cool because I can pull a trailer. Yeah, I can get a boat down to the river just on myself, which is exciting. I would leave the party because I don't want to stand up while a bunch of sitters in the same way that I do not want to be the only person sitting at the party talking to a bunch of pazones. I would, I would find someplace lower to sit down. Like if everybody's sitting on a chair, you could sit on like a foot stool,

you know what I mean? So now it's like I'm even more comfortable than you are. Damn, Travis, that's funky and relatable. Thank you. Twisted too, I'd say. Thank you. Well, this is what I bring to the party. Get a shovel and start digging a hole you can sit in.

Yeah. Do that. The lowest one is the- Just lay down and look up at your grandma. The lowest, the lower you are, the cooler you are because you're closer to the center of the earth where it's hot, baby. And maybe just grab the whole bowl of potato salad and pop a fork in there. No need for a plate.

Yeah, don't leave. That's not going to get even with them. These motherfuckers want to be chair hogs. I think you got to just upend the hot dog tray. I think a good way to get a bunch of people standing up who are sitting is just walk in and say, oh, sitting, huh? And then just don't say anything else as you look around the room slowly. That would work on me.

I'd be like, wait, what is it? What's wrong with- Oh, is it- So I'm sitting? Oh, sure. Yeah, that's really bad for you. I heard that sitting for five minutes is like having 30 heart attacks. Whoa.

Is that what I saw in the news? Yeah. I'm a stander. The problem is, is then once people start standing up with you, you can't then sit down like, oh, you know what? I'm going to risk it. I read another story. They've updated it.

The science has changed. You know science. The science on sitting is different now. Oh, you know what I love when confronting with my grandma or rude chair stealing ways is you get a whoopee cushion under there. Oh my God, this sounds so funny. Nobody talk. Well, you got to blow it up first and you don't want them to see you do that.

So go in the bathroom and say like, I've got a shit and then you go in the bathroom and you blow up a whoopee cushion. But do make it seem like you're actually doing the deed because they're going to be like, what are you doing in there blowing up a whoopee cushion? And so, you know, roll the toilet paper roll a few times and tear a piece off so that they think. Spend some time praying loudly. Well, no, that's I'm talking about usual bathroom stuff. And so you flush it down and wash your hands good, but you don't have to.

You can just turn the water on and really you can do that anywhere. But that's a whole different pro tip. And then you're going to go outside and everybody's sitting in the chairs. At this point, the whoopee cushions in your belly up in your shirt. And you're going to walk out. And you better do it to grandma because it's going to be the funniest. Like it's funnier when an older person passes gas. Yes, yes, yes.

You are going to go stand behind them or maybe crawl behind them so everybody else doesn't see you. And once you get there, you're going to have to get that whoopee cushion under granny's behind. Yes. This is the part of your plan I'm most interested in, if I'm being honest. Sure, sure, sure. So we're talking about what is a whoopee cushion? Well, I'm glad you asked me that. Very question.

It's just a bag full of air and what is air known for? It can fill any space that it occupies. And so if you just put it sort of against your granny's thigh and the chair, the surface. And you just kind of start pushing that big balloon against her heini. It's going to get under there eventually. The question is, what is there to distracting her against this very obvious sensation? That's the obvious question. I know you think I'm a real goofball by suggesting this.

Another thing you need in this situation is a pill caddy full of bees. Yes, a pill caddy full of bees. Yeah. And you're just going to start opening those up one by one. And once they start getting bored with one bee, you open up Tuesday bee, Wednesday bee, Saturday state bee. Wait a minute. Why not just hat?

Sorry. I'm sorry. Why not then just have a box of bees? Because it's harder to catch a box full of bees. If you open up a box, Travis. Thank you. Yes. Even a small box, like a box for shoes.

And then fucking seven bees fly out. People will be like, that was not impressive. But if you throw a pill caddy for one week down, and you then walk over to what you've just thrown down and one by one, open all the doors. It does height the scare factor because people will look at it and think, oh my god, that's a week's worth of bees. It's so many. Maybe it would open one bee, right?

Yeah. At least bee. Then you would go and scoot some more of the cushion underneath grandma. Oh no, people are getting bored. You go back out to the center room, open Monday bee. And then you go back more cushion. Exactly. The problem is that you've chosen a target who is maybe the least mobile person at the event.

And so you need to confront yourself with the reality that this thing, this dog just is not going to hunt even no matter if you have something ridiculous, like two full pill caddies full of bees. And so at that point, your granny's going to catch you and it'll do the funny exclamation point thing like in Metal Gear Solid. And she'll be like, what do you do? She'll be like, what do you do? And then that's when you just take the whoopee cushion back and you just squeeze it so that

the little rubber lips of it is blowing the fart like at her derriere. And that's going to be not ideal, obviously, but you get something out of it. My only sadness is that you've edited all this out. And no one will ever get to hear any of this madness. That's the only thing that makes me sad. No, I think that one made the cut. It did. Oh, that was in there.

I'm actually surprised. Can we talk about the Max Fun Drive? Sure, I guess so. Is that OK? Yeah, maxfunfund.org. Ford slash donate is the address. If you could donate five, 10, $20 a month, $20 a month, you get a puzzle and a pin of your choice and all the bonus content.

$35 a month, you get an engraved mug and the puzzle and the pin and the bonus content. That engraving, by the way, as I should have mentioned, you don't get to pick the engraving. It's the Max Fun Logo. But it's cool. It does a cool thing to have on your mug. You can be Arby's, the Arby's logo. I love that.

There are more gifts at higher donation levels, which you can go see at the website if you want to. But the main thing is just subscribing. Even if it's just five bucks a month, it really does add up and help to keep this network going. It is the reason that we have all been able to make this our jobs, spend a lot more time on the shows, improve our equipment. And start new shows. Start new shows. We started with Joe's My Brother and My Brother and Me.

And look how many we're doing now because being a part of this network is so great. Yeah, it is a great place to do our thing. And we are very fortunate that you all have been so supportive in the past. So think about it. It's really quick, too. Go to maximumfund.org slash donate. It takes just a minute to pick your show you want to support and get all your stuff in there. I want to say, let me also encourage you.

If you're thinking about doing it and you want to do it, do it now. Like as long as you're not driving or something, if you can safely get on your phone or computer or whatever, because it's so easy to say, oh, yeah, I'll do that later. And then you completely forget about it. And then you're going to miss your window to get all of these awesome rewards and to be part of the drive and all that stuff. I would say also for whatever it's worth, and I don't want to get into gilling anybody, but for the first couple of days, we had some problems with the MaxFun website.

And speaking frankly, we're a little bit behind of where we would like to be, considering the network-wide goal is $25,000, and we're sitting at about $8,000 here as we're recording on Friday afternoon. Hopefully, it's slightly higher than $8,000, which is what it's at currently on Friday, because you'll see this on Monday. But we would really appreciate it. We need your help, basically, is what I'm saying. So if you would come to leap to our aid like a brave, cool night, we would really appreciate it.

And please, don't hesitate, maxfunfund.org or slash donate. If you like the stuff we do and you want more stuff like that in the world, this is how you vote for that stuff. That's how you fill the world with things you like. So please. And thanks to John Roderick and the Long Winters for these for our theme song. It's a departure. After the album, Putting the Days to Bed, how about a yahoo?

Oh, one more thing before I forget. We have a YouTube channel, Macaroy Family on YouTube, and we've been doing a bunch of live streams and extra stuff on there. Maybe by the time this comes out, I'll post it. Teresa did like a retro hair tutorial on there. Go check it out, and we will probably do some more live streams on there. So Macaroy Family on YouTube. This final yahoo is sent in by Teresa.

Thanks, Teresa. My wife? Please, Travis. My wife. Yahoo Answers user Kate, who asks, How do you describe an elephant taking a dump in a funny yet serious way? Oh, my name is Justin Macaroy. I'm Travis Macaroy.

I'm Griffin Macaroy. This has been my brother, my brother, and me. Kiss your dad. Square on the lips. Yes, dad. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and Culture. Artist-owned, audience-supported.