My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 453: The Grotto of Gains

Episode Date: April 1, 2019

Wow, oh boy, do we hope you love benign observational humor. Oh jeez. We’ve really put all our chips down on benign observational humor, and if that doesn’t pay off — yikes! We’re gonna lose our shirts! Suggested talking points: PGA Street Ball, Owl Trust, Bug Armor, Emergency Greeting Card, Jacked Triton, A Wet Edible Aggro Crag, Candy Boss, The Ravioli Beast

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome. My brother, my brother, mean advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. And I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy. Hey, Griffin, what's wrong? Why are you being so quiet?

It's going to be a skit. I didn't want to worry you guys, and I'll cut this out, but it's going to be a sketch. I know it's a sketch. I'm playing along. We're trying to lead into the... No, I'll cut this part out, but I didn't want the two of you guys to be afraid. Okay, I'll get back in now. Well, I'm so scared of... Listen, listen. I'll cut that out too. Listen, the PGA Tour has marched on Austin and taken over the town. And there's... PGA? Yeah, professional golfers. All right. And they've made their way to Austin.

All the weirdos from South by just left, and in the void they left, all these rich jocks showed up and started just golfing wherever the fuck they wanted. I don't know if the PGA Tour has ever been in the city where you live, but it's just like my house is covered in holes from their powerful drives that they just blast right through. Are they doing like and one street golf? They're doing and one street golf, extreme street golf. I saw Rory McElroy, first of all, he's been tormenting me because he says he keeps saying, I want it back. And that's what he sounds like because he yells at me and my family through the windows of my house while he's blasting me

with balls. Wait, wants what back? The name, I guess, even though it's spelled different. I told him that, but then a ball hit me in the head and I went to sleep for an hour. But I did see him playing some extreme street golf with the other big golfers of today. Name three other ones. Yeah, sure. Rory McElroy is one. Well, you already said that one, three other ones. One and, you know, three other ones that don't have your name. Let's just like go for it. Okay. Can I do tiger? Yeah. Yeah. Tiger? Tiger? Yes. Jack Nicholas. The golden bear. Golden bear. And I think there's one named Buddy. Anyway,

he's, I saw Rory McElroy take a golf ball and run and slam dunk it into a hole that he made in the street. That's a pothole. Now my son's going to trip in. It's real tough stuff. It's real tough. I would think after we got rich from the Max Fun Drive that I would start liking golf more, but it's the way they're doing it is very riotous. It's very destructive. Yeah. It's just a quick side note. Thank you everyone who donated. We're recording this on the Wednesday previous. So I have to assume we just ended up at like 60,000 new and upgrading. I assume we're extremely wealthy. Travis passed me one of those cojibas that I purchased prematurely and will eventually regret. Of course, Griffin, have you thought about

getting super good at it yourself to like, well, if you can't beat them, join them and then beat them. I mean, I've been thinking about it. Slide me one of those stinky smoke logs too while you're at it, Travis. Yeah, of course. Of course. It's just for looks. Let me light it with this other stinky. It's just for looks. I don't light it. And so I thought about getting good at golf, Travis, but you know, my elbow. Yeah. So I'm sorry I forgot about that, Griffin. I forgot about the hinge and the flaps in there. If you hear a loud smash and that of, you know, or maybe a four and then a smash, it's because the PGA tour has is doing it in Austin. The end. Okay. Oh, Griffin, look out behind you. A golf ball is coming your way. Uh-oh.

That was supposed to be my glass breaking noise. Fuck. Fuck me, Justin. You know what's weird? What's weird is I have Seinfeld glass in every window of my house. And it's great because it's insular, which is great because it keeps the AC in in the hot summer. And but the only bad thing is when it smashes, like when Michael Richards jumps through it, it doesn't make the traditional noise. It does make the boogie ball. Wow. Wow. Should I have a Michael Richards, more Michael Richards representation on the sound board? No. I think the only sort of clip that he's known for would not work very well on our show because of how horrible. Yeah. How horrible it is and he is and all that, Jess. Well, this is an advice show that is funded by you, the listeners. And we do

appreciate you just not to harp on it, but it's like we have a lot of fun here, but it really means a lot to us. So thank you so much for your eternal support. Did I not mention it was an eternal pledge you're making? It's forever. Yeah, it's forever. Let's get into the advice. I work in wildlife rehabilitation. One week into this job, I was cleaning one of the owls enclosures. Justin, did you use your new found Max Fun Wealth to buy a new narrator voice? Yeah, it's nice. It sounds like you've got four or five cohibas going in there. Do you know what's irritating? What? One of the reasons I really don't enjoy you guys. Wow, this is much more professional. It's more of a professional relationship at this point than a familiar one is because I was in my head thinking

like, this is sounding good. I was already congratulating myself for how well I was reading it and not suddenly you're messing it up at all. And then you fucking dill wheat. It was nice. It was good. Yeah, it was like, I just want to finish it with like my streak. All right, nice. I try again. I work in wildlife rehabilitation. One week into this job, I was cleaning one of the owls enclosures. And when I turned to leave, she attacked the back of my head. She didn't draw blood, but I definitely felt her talons graze my scalp. It was startling as fuck. And since then, the owl and I have had a strained relationship. I feel like she hates me. How do I learn to trust this animal again? And that's from living in fear in Louisiana. Sounds like you need to get the animal

to trust you first and foremost. And with owls, that's a tough one. That's a tough one with owls. They're a tricky one because of the ill omens and all that. Yeah, sure. You could throw up a field mouse for them to catch and play a big game with that. But then the field mouse certainly is not going to trust you at that point. You can try to do something behind an owl's back, but it's just going to turn right the fuck around and see it with that crazy head they have. Here's my question. When you were attacked, did you snitch on them? Did you go tell the head of the wildlife or maybe the owl was testing to see if you could keep your mouth shut? That's amazing. When I was in elementary school, my friend, well, we were more acquaintances. John cut in front of me. He had

about a foot and a half on me. And he cut in front of me in the four square line. I said, hey, you just cut in front of me. And he slapped me on the face. And I guess somebody reported it and we got sent to the principal's office. And I didn't fucking snitch. And me and John were so tight from that point on. So that's one way to do it is to just keep your cool about this owl. And maybe they'll apologize. No blood drawn, which first of all, good scalp you got there. Holy tough one. Yeah, if this but like if this owl had wanted to fuck you up, oh, yeah, you'd be fucked up. Yeah, this was this is the owl sending a message. Here's where you've already ruined it. You've already botched this as bad as you possibly can. If an owl does this,

you have to al tax your scout, spin around in one smooth motion and punch it in the face. Yeah. And then it's like dominance, respect. Hey, yeah, it'll give you this kind of like okay. Look, I get it. I see what's happening. You and I respect and then you fight. And if you beat it, it's not ready to go out into it is not rehabilitated yet. It's a good question. Like wildlife rehabilitation. It doesn't mention rehabilitation for what. So maybe this is always a bad seed kind of owl. And it's just acting out the behavioral rehabilitation. Yes, it's got a problem with authority. It's got this associative personality disorder. It's got some antisocial tendencies. And it just, uh, it just doesn't like people that much. Let's just say

like, Hey, I'm not fine. I may seem fine. I put on a brave face. I'm still kind of kind of messed up. I need to chill here for a little bit longer. Listen, can I tell you something? Question? Ask a owl attacked human. That seems pretty normal to me, actually. Yeah. That's it. I think it'll be weirder if you walked in there and like the owl like waved at you, happy to see you. The owl's not ready to go back out there. Like that owl attacks you. The owl is ready to be on its own that you should go back and like, Hey, the owl attacked me. And they'd be like, Oh, that's good news. That's pretty cool. Hey, that owl's fucking fine. Yeah. Let it go. It's fine. It's doing what owls do. I think the Japanese owl cafes got all the nice owls

already. And there's none left for the rest of us. Let's make room for a timid bird. Sure. I've got a yahoo here. Can I read it? Yeah, please. This one was sent in by level 9000. Yadru drew a drew Davenport. Thank you, Drew. It's from Yadru answers user. They're anonymous. I'm going to call them. No, no asks. Why don't scientists make military armor from bug shells? Yes. Bugs have hard shells that scientists can backwards engineer manufacture in their laboratories. If you take a bug, and you make the bug as large as a human or even bigger, no gun would penetrate the shell. Also, shells from bugs can be regenerated. Imagine having armor that can regenerate itself. Wait, what? Say again, shells from bugs can be regenerated. Imagine

having armor that can regenerate itself. Okay, so you went some ways that I used them to make material. Okay, great. Engineer a bug as big as a human. Wait, wait. This is a little old lady who swallows flies at you. The enemy army has beaten us because their new cool guns get through our armor. Well, I'm going to take this Goliath beetle. I'm going to make it like way bigger than us, and then I guess I'll try and take its skin and wear that. Yes, sounds like a good plan to me. I've been gored by the Goliath beetle. It covered three minutes. Three minutes elapsed. It was really bad. I also, I don't know. Listen, I'm not a bug expert. That should surprise no one, but I'm pretty sure if you like peel bug armor off of it, it's not like, ah, totally cool. I'll

just regrow that. I'm pretty sure what you're talking about is like its skin. Maybe. I mean, I can get skin back when it falls off sometimes. So who knows how bugs do it. They're little er than me. So I assume they can't, they don't have all of my remarkable human powers. They can't drive. But I, but at the same time, if I shoot a ladybug, bounce right off because they're very, very powerful. And I guess what I'm wondering is how can I wear a big ladybug? Or why not just get a bunch of ladybugs and wear them all at the same time? And now it's good. Yes. I'm alone three ladybug lady. That was the plot of the Rodney Dangerfield movie ladybugs. Yes. What, what human power would you trade away for chitin for chitinous

plates? You know, maybe empathy. Wow. Yes. Good. Yes. Yes. Yes. My, my brother, my brother and Giver, this, this chitinous cyborg, free of emotion. I would say jumping. I just wouldn't be able to. It's a great point, Griffin. Great point under use. Hardly using it for anything. If you think about it, guys, I'm trying to, let me stop and think about the last time I jumped. Let me think about the last time that I had cause to jump. Yeah. You think about that in like, in like a lot of, uh, some of like the heart, like the from software games, like the hardcore action games, it's always note of it is made like you can't even jump. Like, well, so what? And you know what? Somehow you'd be jumping. Yeah. Who still jumps? I'm,

God guys, I swear I'm trying to think of the last big jump I did and I just, I have, I have nothing. I have nothing. It must have been to get over a rock or something or to, you know, get the health potion. I don't fucking remember the last time I jumped. It may have been the last time I played basketball, which was a long time ago. Just what about you? What human power would you give away? They're all so great. They're all good. Gifts. I think it would be regrowing hair. Oh, I think I would be okay with it's a roll of the dice. I know I can't get any frosted tips that I later regret. I guess I got to always diet, but no, I get this one hair and that's it. This is all the hair I have, but I do have this incredible bulletproof chitin that lets me clean up the streets of Chicago.

You know what? Now you've made me think because you said this one hair, which made me think that instead of individual hairs, you just have one adorable baby Huey style curl on top. No, but just more like your entire head of hair was one solid piece. A coiled rope. Yes. And I thought here's what I would go with. I would be willing to give up the space between my individual teeth to get bug armor. I would have just one big top tooth and one big bottom tooth, one horseshoe shaped tooth. And I think that would be amazing. That actually might be more powerful than individual teeth now that I think about it. Yeah. You've violated the spirit of the game then. Yeah. I was at my coworkers birthday. We're not super close, but it's civil. Holy shit. Okay. I want

to stab them quite bad. Yeah, I'd like to stab them, but don't. That's what simple means. If it weren't for your human laws. Yes. I gave her a birthday card. I keep in my glove box for emergencies. That's some next level shit. I hope you mean emergency birthdays, but not just like, I don't know. Flat tire. Use it. Use it to stop the bleeding. It had love you lots on the front and gold letters. I didn't think it was weird. I just thought the design was pretty. When she read the front, she said, whoa, I didn't know you felt that way really stepping up this relationship. How do I live in this atmosphere I've created? That's from platonic proposal in Chicago. Well, congrats on realizing that this is completely

a fuck up. Yeah. This is like, if you're going to get an emergency card, it needs to say something like celebrate. Like just like, I don't even think you want to go specific as birthday. No, it's like celebrate in the sides. Like this is a day. Yes. Or I'm just as occasion exclamation point. It's now. Occasion is now. The time is now for this day. Sorry. Thank you and congratulations. This day is here and you are here too. You've made it to this day. Maybe more. I could also just be a sort of innocuous compliment, like a picture of a dinosaur on the inside. It says like, I think you're a dynamite and then they open that and read it and they're like, oh, cool. That's too much. Oh, okay. Do you know how many times I've been at somebody's birthday

and I realized like, oh, I didn't get them anything. I really shouldn't get through anything. And then I'll like sit there on my phone and send them an iTunes gift card from my phone and then get the eye contact from across the, like, I don't mean for it to happen right then, but they'll get the notification like, oh, hold on. I got a text from Justin right this second. It just says I'm inconsiderate. That's weird. But it says, it says I'm inconsiderate. Please enjoy the new Drake album on me. Wow. Seven dollars, Justin. Thanks so much. I'll be able to enjoy half an album. The problem with gift cards, right? The problem with gift cards is you are saying here is exactly what you're worth to me. There's the exact dollar value that you are,

that I value you. This is, I could have done 20, I could have. The technology today, there should be an option when you purchase like a gift card online for someone to backdate it. Like they'll just wedge it in in their Gmail like five days ago. And it's like, oh yeah, we'll date it. Like you sent it on Monday. Don't worry about it. We got that. That is psychotic. What you just said, Travis. If Tim Cook's listening, you're well done. But if we do that, what the fuck are we all doing here on earth as part of this one sort of beautiful consciousness if we can trick each other with time traveling birthday cards? What are we all doing here? Well, I got rid of my empathy in exchange for this

and you got me that empathy polish and I got you that chitin polish. But oh no, how ironic. Well, I can use the chitin polish. I just can't jump to get it where you put it on the high shelf. They put it on the high shelf. That was my fault. It was, I was recording this on Sydney's birthday and Charlie asked, my four-year-old daughter asked what I got, Sydney. So I showed her this gift certificate that I got and it was really more of a, this is like one of the things they email you. I got her, I sponsored a baby incubator for like a nation in crisis where they don't have access to medical care and I thought, well, that would be a lovely gift. I would really appreciate that. And I'm showing this,

it's got a picture of the baby incubator and everything on the thing. I was showing this all to Charlie and explaining it to her and I finished this whole explanation and she took like three beats and said, why would she want this? Well, sweetie, she doesn't, she doesn't, she's not gonna, she said, mommy doesn't even have a baby. She won't like this. Like, okay, but it's a gift, but it's her birthday. I know. Okay, fine. Sorry. You didn't even have to finish that story. I could have told you how it panned out when you explained to your four-year-old, I got mommy A, something she won't be able to touch and B, something she won't use. Like, cool. That sucks, dad. Yeah, it sucks. Check out this ceramic Jimmy Buffett parrot that I got at Hallmark.

This is a gift. I got her this bag of slime that I made her. Yeah. So this is the longest we've ever gone without actually talking about the question because I think that is the severity of this mistake you've made. Terrible mistake. Terrible mistake, but the mistake feels, the term mistake almost feels like it suggests an accident happened. You can't look at the card that says, what was it? Love you lots and think. Love you lots. You know what that, you know, love is subjective, yes, but we all sort of have a kind of agreement on what it means and then lots of, lots as a modifier as if to say, a great deal of love I possess for you and you gave this to somebody who is not true for. I will argue though that it's not like this, the front of the card

said, I must tell you about my deep and very real feelings for you. It said in gold letters, love you lots, a thing one might write in somebody's yearbook. No. No. No. No. I would say that maybe love you like a sister. That's exciting. That one's fine. To be forgotten, yes, of course. I would say that part of this blame, yes, part of this blame does fall on the coworker who looked at a greeting card since we purchased at a store that you handed them and thought, this is a declaration of true emotion, a thing no one should ever think when they look at a greeting card. What's anything, greeting cards are man. Can we just talk about them for a second? I hope you've got your finger on that fucking Seinfeld button. Yeah, light them up, Justin. Light them

up, dude. Get this whole industry that's existed for thousands of years and it's definitely been the butt of many, many stand up routines. They're the worst and I always get them because it feels like we have to and sometimes they're nice, but it just seems like, hey, you're right. Let's go to a fucking hack. Hit it. No. Okay, you're right. I earned this. I'm sitting there stewing that shit, stewing it and think about what you've done. Sorry, you're right. That's both for the question asker and for Justin. Yeah, we all made some mistakes here. Yeah. You want another yahoo? No, we didn't give any sort of help. I want to help.

Get them on a card the next day that just says, no, I don't. I think you need to, okay, you said it's been civil with this person. You're not really close. Fine. I think you need to, the relationship is now at a different level. It's obviously been escalated to a different kind of relationship. I think you need to see how long you can sort of maintain that level of relationship. And maybe the like, nothing goal can stay. Perhaps the relationship will fade in time and you'll revert to this sort of like civil thing. Possibly a dear friend has been made. This is the moment. Maybe you've actually made a dear friend. Walk through them. Walk through the sliding doors. Thank you, Travis. Yes.

That is my official TM advice is I think give it a whirl. Just see if you can maintain it. You didn't plan to be here, but now you're here. It's like, you know, you got on the wrong home alone plane and you ended up in New York instead of Florida or whatever. And you know what? Maybe have some fun in Florida or in New York. I do want to remind you though, that isn't what happened. This person got on a plane that was labeled get on this plane to go to Paris without your son, Kevin. And they were like, that sounds good. I'll try it. And then they got on the plane and landed. I was like, Kevin. It's like, well, no, you remember. You saw the planes, but it was labeled. What then what you are suggesting, Justin, is they have arrived and said,

oh, wait, right. Kevin's my son and I left him at home. Well, well, but it appears well, I can. Yeah, that's fair. Yeah. Mine's not that helpful. Your scenario, Justin, makes it sound like Kevin McAllister is the victim in the home alone films. When I would argue that that is true of everyone else in his family, but not Kevin McAllister. Yes, that's how that. Yes, I want to die on that hill. That's how you feel. I just decided Kevin's not the victim here. It is the rest of the family, not the eight year old boy left home alone because his family hated him and forgot about him. Well, hate is a strong word, don't you think? He's just being a little pervert to his uncle. And so he doesn't get woken up for this plane ride.

It's, I think a lot of it is perspective. We showed Charlie that movie for the first time about a year ago, and she was, I mean, for her, it's a horror movie, right? For year, for months afterwards, she talked about they left him alone, which is the name of the film from her perspective, was they left him alone was the name of that film. But me, I'm a father too, watching this as a 38 year old father of two people. I watch it from Catherine Harrow's perspective and think, yeah, I get it. You know, I get it. You just want to relax. Your kid has zero chill. You just want to relax in Paris for a little while. You know, they don't talk about all the time that Catherine Harrow gets to sit in fucking silence. You know, I mean, that's fair. That's about herself a day,

like at least a good 24 hours of just being able to sit in fucking silence. I didn't get a 14 hour flight there and like a 14 hour flight back where, yes, she must have gotten on the plane, right? On the return and be like, I feel so terrible, but you can only maintain that feeling for so long before then they bring you like the warm nuts and like, you know, glasses sparkling wine. Okay. I actually haven't seen a movie in three years. Do you have movies on this flight? Oh, you do? I mean, I do feel terrible, but I've been meaning to see if greatest showman was a hit or miss. Miss my boy. I hope the sticky men aren't going to get him. But can I take the airplane wine map now, please? Oh, the seats are climbing all the way. Well, that's nice. Kevin would want

me to check that out. Yeah, that's where the polka boys. That's nice. Anyone holding? Is anybody holding? I haven't smoked weed since 1997. So this is probably fine. Yeah. That's the only unrealistic thing is his mother fucker started playing tuba and she doesn't bury a shiv in one of their throats like, please, this is my moment. Just let me be. Why do we talk about Home Alone so much? It's a touchstone. Apparently a cultural touchstone, I would say. We do talk about it a lot. Okay. I have a yahoo here. Can we talk about it? Okay. It's sent by a few folks. Yeah, we'll talk about that. Half as much as we talk about Home Alone. Yes. Thank you. Everybody who sent this one in it's yahoo answers user Fritz who asks, how did King Triton get so buff? Yeah, right? He lived

underwater where there's no resistance. How could he get so buff? I'm not sure that your terminology is right here because I think water is all resistance. If that's the logic that you're using, then Mer folks who live in the water would be getting jacked from all the swimming that they do because that's exercise folks. That's just exercise. I would say probably first heavy diet of plankton. Okay. So he has those sort of feeds. He has a webbing in his mouth and we don't see that, but when he does extend his jaws wide open, you see the webbing get in there and he does swallow up a million things and they're trying to play the xylophone or whatever and then they did get eaten. That would be rad if she walked on the land for the first time with her human legs and

just claps like, oh, my bones. My terrible weakened bones. Oh, she just collapsed because her gills were dried out. I don't have lungs. But how did he get so jacked up though? He's very strong. I don't know if you guys remember the movie, but he has a very strong upper body. I mean, probably magic, right? Like, it's a very magical culture. Well, that's true. I feel like that's kind of a bullshit answer though, Trav, like just magic. That doesn't really move the needle for us. Okay, he works out 24-7, he's spotted by Sebastian. Is that what you want to do? The swimming around is going to get you a good tail. Yeah. Like everyone's going to have a good

tail. But like, usually their arms are just like gracefully behind them as they zip along. You don't see a lot of like ripped jack, huge chested dolphins. Yeah. Well, what you just said is wrong. They're all in the fucking muscle, man. The dolphins are all fuck muscle. I do not know if you ever touched one of these bad boys, but it is basically muscle rocking. Yes, but they don't have definition, Griffin. Yes, they've got the muscle mass. Where's the definition? The dolphin doesn't have a six pack. Maybe anytime King Trent is on the screen, he's lifting C rocks. He's just going to his cave and there's not a lot to do down there. That's what it is. He has one of those grottoes where it's

like you can swim and it's like, even though it's underwater, it's almost like C lab, right? Where it's like pressurized so he can just like lift the top half of his body out, pump some iron and then go back to swimming. What if every merfolk, or maybe it's just people who are sort of higher up the ladder, people who in the royal family, perhaps, or people living in the sort of the royal domain have this and it is your own personal fighting octopus. And it's an octopus that you and you fight. And so every time you see him go off stage from the play of the movie, he blows up all his daughter's stuff and then is like, I'm a good dad. And then he swims away. And then you know, while Ariel's having a sad time in there with all her broken

tchotchkes, he's like, I feel so bad about what I've done to my daughter's collectibles and figurines. Oh, fuck it. Get over here. I do love this idea that he has a secret rock gym somewhere, though. As I'll think of it, the grotto of gains where he just goes and car cars himself out. Aquaman's too. Yeah, Aquaman. Aquaman in there. You know Aquaman has secret rocks and octopus that he fights. He blasted up his daughter's collectibles because he's a real jackass. It's seen as wild in it. It's actually Batman. He shows up at Batman's house and Batman's singing a song about all of his great tools. And where do you get all these cool stuff I built with all the money? Where do you

get all these wonderful toys? Zap, zap, zap. He uses his magic trident. What a good flick. Man, I've been a dad for only two years now and Trident's got like eight daughters and they all appear to be like, you know, teenage to older. So he's been a dad for a while now. What a fucking rookie mistake. To be like, I know a cool dad move, blast up all the shit she cares about. Yeah, of course she went to the sea with you dumbass. You drove her right into Ursula's arms, you piece of shit. It'd be cool if Aquaman came down and because he's the king of fish, he like made Triton clean it all up. You fix this. Hey, fix it, fix it. You fucked up, dad. Fucking asshole. Yeah. Triton should have immediately come back and be like, you know what?

That was on me. I'm going to fix this statue. I need to find some waterproof super glue. And then I will fix this. I think he just said everybody else. Hey, everybody, go find more trash. Get more trash for my kids. You can find another statue that fell off a boat. Yeah, the way that this would actually play out is Aquaman would be like, clean this up, you're a bad dad. And then up half would be like, no, get the fuck out of here. But then his butt would be like, oh, you're right. You're right. Let me slap it around with my, is this helping? No, it's a clock. You can't just slap it with your weird fishtail and fix it. You blew it the fuck up. Hey, fish ass. Who's in charge here? Tracing a message to my daughter.

Not to like things. Why has he got a beard? That's got to be bad under this under this. That is about as mad. It's full of, I don't know, probably like bacteria. Maybe that's where he absorbs food from. That's where you harvest. Guaranteed. Where's the scene of all the little fish that followed Triton around just picking bacteria and algae out of his beard? It's got to be hard to get much protein down there for those muscles, too. You eat anything other. You'd see a tasty little shrimp, but it turns around to you and you're like, oh, hell, you know, I'm starving. Sure, it turns around. I was like, under this heat. Under this heat. Okay, fine. Fuck, you're sentient. God damn it. I have a family. Oh, all right. I know your family. Yes, I know. You

work for me. You all work for me. Damn it. Let's take a trip to the money zone. Also, none of them wear shirts. What's up with that? Mattresses. Okay, what's that about? Can we please with the Seinfeld sort of formulation? Can we please? Because you know he's going to do it. Mattresses. That's okay. Here comes my ad. This is my ad. I'm going to do an ad for Casper. You got to sleep and have sex. Whoa. And there's only one place where both of those things are cool. And it's not just for couches anymore. Someone invented beds and it's Casper. Casper has invented beds. It's a sleep brand that continues to revolutionize this line of

products. Now they have beds and you can sleep on them one night at a time. They're perfectly designed for humans. No dogs allowed on these fucking beds. Even if you're someone who doesn't have sex, I highly recommend these beds for the sleeping part. The sleeping part's good, but Justin, what about my weird shapes that make up my body? Say a cylinder and I've got a pyramid, shoulders. What about those? This is still designed for you. You're technically a human. If you're in the U.S. or Canada, you get free shipping and returns. No hassle, by the way, if you're not completely satisfied, which you will be, you could be sure of your purchase with Casper's 100 night risk-free sleep on it trial. These are great beds and you're going to love

sleeping on them and you're going to love having sex on them. You can get $50 dollars towards select mattresses. Or you're going to love not having sex on them either way. There's no Travis, obviously Travis. It's not binary. You're not either having sex or sleeping. You're not a cicada. You're eating, mating, or sleeping on a Casper mattress. They're great to eat on. If you need a place to eat oak leaves, check out this mattress. Give $50 dollars towards select mattresses by visiting casper.com slash brother and using promo code brother at checkout. That's casper.com slash brother and promo code brother, brother, brother for just one brother for $50 dollars towards select mattresses terms and conditions apply.

How about Stomps? Stomps? These sticky, they're fun stickers. Maybe I shouldn't also do have you heard of this thing that we all know about, but I'll make it sound like they invented it. No, it's more fun the other way. You know stickers and sometimes they can have Elmo or Pikachu or Mario on them and you stick them. When you've been a good boy, you can put them on your journal. Sometimes you need those for mail so that the mail carrier will pick it up because the mail carrier is like stickers. You need stamps. That's what those are. Stamps.com makes it so that you can print your own postage from home so you don't have to go to the post office and you can save money with discounts on

these wonderful stickers that you can't even get at the post office. They bring all the amazing services of the US Postal Service right to your computer. We're talking about stamps. And then you will print those stamps and you can use them for any letter, any package, any class of mail, anywhere that you want to send it. And so with Stamps.com you get five cents off every first class stamp and up to 40% off priority mail. Holy shit. That's a big old chunk of change. Stomps.com is a no brainer saving you time and money. It's no wonder over 700 trillion small businesses already use stamps. It does say 700,000. Right now our listeners get a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage

and a digital scale without any long term commitment. Just go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type my brother. That's Stamps.com. Enter my brother. I wish they would. I wish they would just write it different. That's Stamps.com. And then you press the return key and then you enter my click on the microphone and then you type in the word my brother. You insert yourself slowly. You don't. Hey everybody, this is Jay Keith, fans, Tratton, host of Go Fact Yourself, a live game show here in the Maximum Fun Network. Make sure to listen to our next episode of Go Fact Yourself with guest Kurt Braunaulder. I did a show in Flagstaff, Arizona where the venue just didn't list that

the show existed. Amazing. And it is the smallest crowd that I've ever done a full hour of stand-up for. It was three people. Oh my God. And Sarah Schaefer. Yes, I love crafting. It's my hobby. I have a craft nook in my home. You do? I do. It has all of my supplies displayed in an adorable manner. Wow. Yes, applause. Applause for a nook. That's Go Fact Yourself here at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get podcasts. I don't even have one. I just need to stop you. Go around looking at the page and then I found a page. Here we go. Here it comes. I want a much. Too much.

Welcome to Munch Squad. It's a podcast within a podcast. Duncan. We got a Duncan in Huntington. This isn't the Munch Squad. I'm just mentioning now I'll be able to try the Duncan offerings first hand. You don't do that with the garbage that you bring here for the show, right? You're not actually like experimenting first hand with these things, right? Sometimes the picture looks good and I want to try it and I probably would have tried it anyway. I get excited. Listen, my ride got bought out by Walgreens and I'm the idiot that walked in after they did the remodel and is like commenting to the employees like, God, it's really bright in here. It looks great. This is so spacious. Don't you love this? I'm loving this. You guys loving this?

This is not exaggeration that I did that. Duncan has launched Peeps Coffee and a Peeps Donut for Spring. Okay. Peep Flavor is starting to get into things. There's Peep Creamer now I got and Peeps cereal and Peeps don't have a flavor folks. It's Marshmallows with sugar on it folks. And Marshmallow really is puffed sugar. So we're just kind of talking about sugar mostly folks. Yeah, you're telling me that you've made sugar flavored creamer? Mmm. That's right. And it doesn't taste like anything except sugar. And now that's in a coffee and a donut. It's a Peeps Marshmallow flavor coffee and espresso drinks. And the Peeps Donut is topped with an iconic yellow chick. That's right folks. They just put a chick on the donut.

Fucking one right on there. And the shelf life of these bad boys after you remove them from the packaging is about nine seconds before they turn crunchy and inedible. So are they doing these things to order? Because that would be kind of wild. Yeah, they're just opening up a discrete package as you pull up and slap it on there. So you can just enjoy a donut with a peep on it. Now because I did pick this so quickly, there's not really anything funny about this one because I was just trying to get you to stop talking about the dirty stuff. So there's not really anything good. Well, hold on. Let's find that. Let's find the, I had a joke earlier. I didn't really have time to do, but maybe it could

make it funny when you just say that like a sugar flavored creamer again. So they did that. Oh, so they made sugar flavored creamer? Sugar creamer. Okay. Okay. Here, that was a much called junior then. Carl's Jr. I have one. Hold on. Hold on. Okay. Did you have one? You wanted to get a hand? I want to kind of piggyback off of what Griffin said and this is kind of an allude to Justin. Please see where I'm going with this. Sugar creamer, more like sugar creamer. Sugar, sugar creamer. I hardly sugar knew. Know her. That was the three pointer. That's what you got for that.

Dang. The real quick note, Carl's Jr. added a bacon truffle burger and a bacon truffle cheese fries. This image is not going to drive me anywhere except out of my fucking mind. This is, this is a horrid thing that you should seek out and see for yourself. I'm going to link you guys just so you can see in the chat there. You can see the image of the burger. That's a tall one. That's a tall one. That is, it's just layers upon layers of horrid and it's a menu innovation. They call it here with no trace of irony. It features a decadent truffle infused white cheddar sauce, which has a deep, rich and savory flavor, including notes of garlic, toasted onion, and egg parmesan. The burger includes a char borough, 100% black Angus beef patty,

topped with premium white cheddar truffle sauce, two slices of applewood smoked bacon, crispy onion straws, Swiss cheese, caramelized onions. They made this. They made that. They made that. Okay. And then at the end, they were like, and mayonnaise and then yes, mayonnaise on this thing. Here's a quote about this crime. The launch of our new bacon truffle Angus burger connects back to our dedication to introducing bold, craveable and unexpected flavors to our menu in interesting ways. This guy had to come up with it. I think they like ran into his office and they're like, we already started recording. Quick say something about the black Angus truffle burger. It connects back to our dedication to introducing bold, craveable and unexpected

flavors in interesting ways. You already said unexpected. Yeah, I know, but I'm just making it up as I go. Truffle is traditionally viewed as a rare indulgence and we're bringing it to the everyday dining experience. Do you trust us hardies with that? We are hardies. Don't forget, we have a different name, but we're still hardies. But anyway, do you want this fancy forest mushroom that a pig dug up? I want to meet the person who's eating this. He's like, look at me, Vicki. I'm eating truffles. I'm like a king. Oh my God. That's from infusing the distinct truffle flavor into an entirely new offering for our burger loving customers. Oh, sorry, dirt bag says here Owen says, Owen Klein from the chain during the testing phase.

Imagine this during the testing phase, Carl's Jr. Bacon truffle Angus burger outperformed all benchmarks, including taste, uniqueness and quality. Sir, it's off the charts. My God. My God. Now we've done it again. Now we're all sons of bitches. And it says here, we're thrilled to add the elegant taste of truffle to this. This sandwich has bacon and onion straws and Swiss cheese and hamburger and cheddar truffle sauce and mayonnaise on it. And you are going to take the word elegant and just jam it up your ass. Like there's no, there's no meaning behind anything anymore. Yeah, this bad boys. This is a, this looks like a wet aggro crag that I have to climb and eat from the top down. This is a big,

big mound of, it's a challenging, challenging bite. A challenging sandwich, a challenging burger. Anyway, that's all there is to know about that, that Carl's Jr. Now it doesn't mention specifically hearties. So I don't know if they're leaving hearties out in the cold on this one. This may just be a Carl Jr. Ridge. A hearties would never serve a burger like this. How about another question please? I recently started working in an office setting. I only worked there three days a week. And I am a graduate student, so I'm not close with the full-time staff. There's a small basket of candy that sits near the secretary and I pass it every day on my way in. I grab a few pieces throughout the day. My question is, how many pieces is too many? I feel

bad taking too many as I'm not full-time staff. And also as a grad student, it's hard to pass some free candy. Do I cut back on the candy? Do I just sneakily take more at one time? Do I create a diversion to draw the secretary's attention so they at least know it's not me depleting the resources? And that's Morgan. I mean, when you get to the point where you're doing a little heist every time you get the candy, I think you know it's too much candy at that point. Am I wrong in my feeling about the candy at the front desk? That's for visitors, right? Isn't that visitor candy as a way of saying like welcome here? This isn't for the staff. This is for you, our visitor. Please enjoy a Toad's Hero. I always thought if somebody puts out a

bowl of candy, that's like the basic human way of signaling like I'm someone who likes interaction. This reminds me of the Funny Office, the Office episode, American version, of course. Yes, definitely original. And the scene where Pam puts out all the candy and then Dwight walks up and he's going to have a piece of candy and he puts his hand in the bowl and he starts to unwrap it and then Jim jumps up from behind the plant and gives him a good scare. And he swallows it and chokes on it. No, no. He gets it out. No, but I'm liking it. It's fine. All right. But he does pee himself. Yeah, so did we help? I think let me, I will take this weight off your shoulders. The leg that you're taking too

many because you're not full time. I think that's okay. I don't think anyone's like, hey, you only work 20 hours a week. That's worth two pieces of candy. The president and the company doesn't walk in and just up in the bowl into their mouth and then say, I earned this. This is mine. This is my put in the hours and became the bar. So this one. Listen to the real answer and I hate to give real advice here. It feels weird, but you could offer to buy the next bag of candy. You could just do that, but that would defeat the purpose. If this person knew how to buy candy, we wouldn't be in this mess. Oh, God, you're right. Okay. Have you heard of stores?

Listen, people put out candy on their desks at work. So for conversation starters, I think, it's the water cooler. Come talk to me about lost still because it's all I think about. And that's how I put this thing on. And oh, Tuesday's right with Mori. Have you read it? Book club this week on Tuesday, weirdly enough. So get there. Yes, there will be candy. There will be candy. So good. And so nobody read the book again, I see. But I do notice that the worthers are gone. That is fine. That's fine. This old man kidnaps a child and gives him lessons. Every Tuesday, kids have kids, kidnaps him. This kid snaps the kids, kidnaps him over and over again. Kid snaps the shoot out of him

and gives him lessons. And you're all leaving because the worthers are going to see it. Okay. It's visitor candy. I'm going to stick my gun. All right. It's visitor candy. My I've got another can you know. Yes. Okay, dear brothers, I recently started working in a pasta factory on the ravioli line. This job would be perfect for me, except for one thing. I can't stop thinking about eating the uncooked raviolis as they move past me. The worst is that I have to stand there on the line and make sure no defective one gets passed. I've come so close to stuffing my pockets and getting the hell out of that sinner's paradise. I can't see goodbye arrow shortly we caught.

Please tell me how to snake the ravioli monster inside of me or how to sneakly get my fill. I'm ready for ravioli. Thank you so much. It's I just I want to just hit one thing that it's uncooked. But I do understand that after a certain point of watching them roll by, that probably like fades to the back of your mind and you're just like, but now I just want to. Like, yeah, I know it's not going to be good. I just want to eat what I wanted to. Compulsion doesn't have to make complete logical sense. In fact, oftentimes it does not. Although I will say as somebody who recently learned that they had been horribly maligned by his two older

brothers who he trusted very much into eating uncooked fettuccine every time we went to Olive Garden, I do hope that I would have had the good sense not to eat uncooked ravioli because there's a lot of other sort of matter, a lot of other sort of material floating around in that in that one. The problem is, is if you eat it and anyone sees you won't I don't even know that you'd so much get in trouble for eating the product so much as everyone around you would be like, what are you doing? What are you doing? That's not cooked. That's not cooked. The other problem would be if I am working on this line across from you and I saw you finally break and within one deft maneuver just shove even like a defective one into your mouth. I am, my first assumption will

not be, oh, I'm sure that's the first time they've done that. It will be, they have done this 400 times a day across from me and this is the first time I have ever noticed. Or worse, what if you do it and everyone's like, oh, thank God someone did it first and then just the whole floor, just to grab and go, everyone's going crazy, shoving those little circles in their mouth. This is the new footloose. This is footloose too, but there's not any dancing and you're just just bowels loose. You're the jeans wear and rebel who comes in and shows everybody. It's okay to eat this uncooked crab. You were supposed to be packaging. Wait, but what do you do with the defective ones? Why can't you eat those? Here's how I would do. When you get a defective one,

be like, just yell Lila like, oh God, no, then pick it up and throw it across the room, but throw it in the same place every time. And then at the end of the day, go get a ziploc baggy and scoop up all your dirty floor, all your dirty defective floor ravioli. Go have yourself a treated home or, oh, hey, bring a bag of uncooked ravioli from home. Have them put a sticker on it or something when you come in. And when you get that craving, just pop one of your own in there. What if you went to your boss and you're like, listen, I have this problem and you describe the problem. And it's like, I don't want to steal things, but I do want to eat the raw ravioli as they're all passory. Can I just keep a tally of the ones I've eaten and just deduct it or, alternately,

I will pay you $100 now and we'll have a kind of budget that I can give into it. I want to go in there and you're like, I have this problem. I want to eat it. And he's like, just puts a finger to his lips and then goes over and like closes the blinds and he's like, come with me and opens and there's just like, there's just a room full of uncooked ravioli. And he's like, whenever you need to, you can come in here and satiate your dark passenger. Maybe they're waiting for some, maybe the boss is waiting for somebody to be like, hey, listen, I can't do this anymore. I fucking love these pillowy bad boys too much. I can't work this job this close to him and not eat him. And he's like, finally, I found a special boy I'm going to give my factory to,

someone who loves to eat these delicious little bastards as much as I do. The man who ate all the uncooked ravioli he wanted, he shit himself to death. It was really, really quite yucky. Don't do that, but here are the keys to the building. Anyway, getting this death box, we're going to fly up. It's going to be cool. Is there somebody you hate at work where you could like eat them? And then if you get caught just like, actually, I saw Jared, Jared was doing it. And he, I thought it was fine because Jared is beloved here. And I thought it was kind of a fine company policy to eat them. He's eating too for everyone I've eaten. Yeah, it's true. Smell is nasty ricotta mouth. And like they open his locker and you've stuffed a bunch of uncooked

ravioli into it. Oh, that's good. It's really good. I mean, I was just thinking, why can't you just buy a box of this uncooked ravioli, but it's not the same, right? You want it fresh out of mama's kitchen. But what you can do, what you can do is while you're on the assembly line, you have brought a box of say 16 uncooked raviolis and then you dump them out onto the line and you real quick run further down the belt and scoop up 16 fresh from mama's kitchen ones. And then no one is the wiser, except for the fact this would be a very conspicuous thing to do. Maybe just whenever you go on break for lunch, just say like, okay, I'm on break. And once you clock out, just lay down at the end of the conveyor belt and let them fall in your mouth.

You're on break. They can't fire you. No, could you, they can only arrest you. Could you suggest to your bosses that you open the factory to the public and start doing tours. And one of the parks of the tour is at the end, you get to pop of what are the sweet raviolis in your mouth. No problem. No questions asked uncooked. And then when the tour is open, you take the day off, show up in a big mustache and go tea. And you just keep doing disguises. You do disguises where you can show up and take the hello. My name is Jim posterson and I have heard good things. That's my favorite part of the Louisville slugger tour is at the end where you get the unfinished bat and you're

just allowed to smash it on the ground. Just blast it. Everybody gets one. Justin, you mentioned disguises. We don't even have to set up this whole plot about the tour. You could just sort of dress up in a big hairy suit and run in and start eating all the ravioli right off the belt. And then everybody else there be like, Oh no, the beast, the beast is back. The beast is back. And they have to lock themselves in the safety room and start lighting the torches. You might have to do a little groundwork beforehand and say like, Hey guys, I was just outside getting something for my car and I saw a beast running around. And that might take weeks to really establish the myth that you couldn't do it same day. You couldn't like the morning

outside the beast and come in the afternoon. You'd have to spot it when no one else did. It was like, Hey, did you guys see the beast? I saw the beast. Okay, but you're gonna have to you're gonna have to clear this with your boss first. So go to your boss and he said, excuse me. Hello. Can I come in? Yes, come in. It's me, Fert. I had an idea for one thing that might make it good to work here. Mike, you're better. Finally. Yes, please. I've been waiting for some kind of suggestion on what would make it good to work here. Please tell me. I thought it would be siding if sometimes a werewolf showed up. Not a werewolf. Not a werewolf. The beast, please. The beast. Oh, thank you. Thank you,

other bosses. That's a much better suggestion. I can see we're on the same page here. You can think about this. Please do not treat him with the same level of respect. You can tell from my big diaper. It might be a good thing. Sometimes it might make it fun. Exciting. Now, what would this beast do? Would he come in and do maybe a funny dance or wave some palms around? Yeah, sure. Whatever. And then he would probably eat some of the ravioli. Like he would come in with a big steaming plate of it that he had made at home. Would he bring his own boiling water? The baby boss. That's a great question. No, he would just come in and he would just kind of eat them raw. He just kind of eat them raw like

a beast. I don't understand the condition, but I don't know if that's... I'll do it. It's no problem. I'll do it. Would you do that for us? I'll be the beast and I'll make it like a fun and be fun to work here. You're awe-inspiring, son. Your level of commitment. You're the hero we need. Eat the uncooked pasta doughnuts. Great. Thanks so much. Thanks so much. I really love working here. I'm thinking of tortellini. And I meant ravioli is like little pillows, isn't it? Oh, fuck. You run this. Yeah. Listen, it was my father's business. I wanted to be a tortellini man. Now you're the diaper one because you messed up. We got to switch off again. This has been our podcast, My Brother, My Brother and Me. And we hope you have enjoyed it.

We are, I guess, we're current... Well, hey, we're about to be, I guess, in San Jose and in Salt Lake City. And there may be tickets for them if you want to come see us. We would very much love it if you would join us there. Like I said, I think there's a few seats left. Not a ton. But that's going to be April 3rd in San Jose at City National Civic. And Salt Lake is Abravanal Hall, April 4th. So that's macaroy.family. If you go there and click tours, you can find the links to tickets. We're going to be in San Jose with the Adventure Zone 2 on April 2nd. But I think that's sold out now. And please, please, please, if you have questions for those shows and yahoos, please send those in. There's still time. Yeah. Also, if you're in Denver or anywhere

near it, I'm going to be at Dink in the middle of April, April 13th and 14th in Denver, Colorado. I'm doing a couple different events. There's like a VIP Q&A meet and greet thing I'm doing. And I'm working on like a screening of a movie thing, like a B movie that I'm going to kind of riff over a bunch of different stuff. I'll tweet more schedules out for it. But I'd love to see you there, April 13th and 14th in Denver, Colorado. I want to thank John Rodgerick in the Long Winters for these four theme songs and to departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed, which you should be cranking on the reg. And big thanks to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. You just heard us for two straight

weeks talk about how great this network is and being a part of it is. And yeah, it wasn't just bullshit to get your money. We really mean it. And go listen to some great new shows like Mission to Zix, go listen to Beef and Dairy Network and Hushacha and all the shows on MaximumFun.org. Catch up on Mission to Zix. They just started their third season, their new show on the network. Go check them out. You might see a brother on there at some point here in the near future. So just pick it up like 301. It's a sort of sci-fi, improvised comedy show, but like you can pick it up. You'll probably want to go back and listen more, but go check it out. You will like it. If you're a fan of stuff like The Magic Tavern, then you will enjoy Mission to Zix. Oh, yeah.

Quick, plug two. ZYXX. We got this with Mark Agliardi and Hal Leblon who have had my great guests on all month. Justin Sidney did best West Wing character. I did an episode that I don't think is out yet, but it's, well, I won't say it, but I did an episode. It's coming out soon. Dad did an episode about like best Hannah Barbera character, I think. Oh, and Sidney, my wife, Sidney, was on the JV club with Janet Varney. Most recent episode, by now it's probably the second most recent. Rachel was on that recently as well. And I was on Can I Pick Your Dog, talked about our new dog Lily. So, dang, guys were all over the place. Yeah. It's a great network. One last thing. Before you go, it's the new month and that means new merch. Go to macroemerge.com.

Please. Finally, Yahoo. This one's sent in by a couple folks. Thank you. It's an anonymous Yahoo answers user, so I'm going to call them. John asks, why does frying tomatoes turn them green? My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, me, kiss your dad, scraw the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hi, everybody. My name is Justin McElroy. And I'm Sidney McElroy. And together, we're the host of Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine. What does that mean for you, the podcast consumer? Well, it means that you're going to get a lot of stories about how we used

to do weird stuff to people in order to try to fix them. Do you know that we used to think diseases were caused by bad smells and that we used to eat mummies for medicine? That's super funny. I can't even like it. Well, thanks. And we hope you'll kind of like our show, Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine. It's available every Friday wherever fine podcasts are sold or at its beautiful picturesque home at Maximumfun.org. All right.