My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 455: Fear Sponging Material

Episode Date: April 15, 2019

Take a load off, friends. We know you’ve got your fair share of worries — heck, we all do. We’re here for you! Just whisper ‘em right here, right up our shirt sleeve. Let the shirt do the rest. Suggested talking points: The Taxmen Cameth, The Good New Art, Moto Dog, Ticket to Family, Cavemans, Pretzel Abominations, Bustin’ In, Koi Care

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother mean advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy and uh, got me good this year. Griffin, were you shot? Are you okay? You got hit by a dart?

Tip of that just got me, Odell. Tip of that just got me. They got me good, the tax man got me so bad. Right. Oh, they cometh and they just nipped me right in the duff with these taxes this time. I tell you, the bad experience I had is the tax man cameeth. And I said, Hey, I never thought to ask. I was, I was just uh, writing him a check. And I was like, I never thought to ask who gets this. And he was like, um, the president. And I was like, wait a minute. Yeah, I don't even like that fella. Yeah. I don't even want to do this anymore. I don't want to do this. Here's, here's what I did. Wait, how'd that play out?

He was like, well, what do you want to do with it? I was like, could he build a dam? Like, cause I feel like, I know the wall is so hot right now and everybody's wild for it. But like, what about a dam instead? A real powerful dam like America used to build in my grandpa's days. A powerful dam. A powerful grandpa dam. I did a thing this year for taxes. This is a little life hack that they don't tell you at accounting school. But rather than give my money, just every time I made a purchase, I chopped off, uh, like a quarter of it and just sent that to the government. So they got like a quarter of my Capri Sun and like a quarter of a new pair of tennis shoes.

And that way they're, they're still getting a corner of every, a quarter of everything I own. Okay. So the, so the, in, in the fiction of your, uh, little, little, uh, confection in the fiction of your confection. Yes. The IRS opens a super sloppy envelope and it's got a quarter of a big back on it. And a picture of your face smiling and a pair. I would presume you just have a security number. Yeah. Or they wouldn't know what to buck it to put it in. And, and then there's a, a post-it note that says four podcasts on it. So they know what the income source was. And then they're like, four podcasts, we wish.

I'll tell you about the, uh, the life hack I've got. No money hack. And this one's good for your wallet. Uh, is, you know how I bought that cigarette boat back in 2017. Yes. And then they got me with that cigarette boat tax in 2018. In 2018, I bought a second to cigarette boat and the tax, it didn't double. It's like a, now it's like a fraction of the first. So if I just keep buying cigarette boats, eventually it's going to be, it'll be a profit generator.

My dad's going to make me smoke all my boats. It's going to be, it's going to be a revenue stream because the taxes are going to be nothing on these puppies. And then you can open up like a water taxi business or like, you know, uh, one of those things where it's like, Hey, do you want to go out and look at the water that's farther out away from the land? Cause that's a different water. You can use that. I've seen people do that at beaches and stuff where it's like, I could stand on the dirt and see the water,

or I could go out like a hundred yards onto the water and see better water. And I could stage cigarette boat fights in the, in the, you know, in Lake Travis or whatever and get people all around for that. There's a lake named after me. Yeah. Sell tickets to the cigarette boat fight. This is money, money, money, money, but then they, then they freaking get it to build another dam next year. Damn it. There's no winning. Griffin, you could sell those, but oh,

don't even sell the boats quote unquote, loan them to a stunt spectacular. And then when they explode insurance money, not taxed. I lost you guys. I was about to talk about how cigarette boat is a pretty bad name for that because it sounds like something wild. Like that sounds like a wild thing. That replaces the term rum runner is the, is the former slang term for these cause smugglers used to love them, but get this, the real name of this, according to Wikipedia,

Jeff Bezos, according to Wikipedia, it's called a go fast boat. No. Yeah. Okay. It's called a go fast boat. Yeah. Go hyphen fast. Okay. Well, let me check the, oh my God, the go fast boat tax rate is so much lower. I've been taking, I've been getting really boinked on this one. I really got to talk to my people. Can I tell you, this is true. When I was a kid and I first heard the term cigarette boat,

that was a, during a time where if I'm not mistaken, I think there were like camel bucks or something that you got like little, I thought that a cigarette boat was a boat that you earned from smoking a lot of cigarettes. I once redeemed points from a similar system. To buy a Mountain Dew branded pager. Hell yes. This man's a dealer of some sort. Yes, that's right. What does he deal? Extreme excellence in sports? I don't know. He's always ready for a LAN party, I think. I think that's it. Hey, let's do some questions. He's an esports agent. He's got to be on call.

A question is what Griffin requested and I live to serve my brother here. We're recording this on sibling day. So I have to do those Griffin bids. Every day for me is sibling day. You guys are my world. Did you just sigh? Did you just sigh? It was a contented sigh. It was like, ah, how sweet. I work at a contemporary art museum and people keep asking me, what kind of art do you have? What does that mean? What should I respond with besides paintings and sculptures? What kind of art are there? Is this art from in Austin, Texas? Oh boy. I mean, you've come to the right place. Yes, obviously. I like to think of myself as something of a amateur volunteer docent. You haven't gone pro yet? Well, I'm sort of a docent to the world.

Not working at any, not sort of tied to any one establishment. Just sort of wondering the streets and telling people about good art that I saw once. When they ask what kind of art do you have, they're talking about one of the main buckets of art and that's shapes paintings is one. It's folks paintings, which is one of the folks. Statues and hanging statues, those are so fun. You get one of those hanging statues with all the shapes and dongle bits on it. That's really cool. That's good. Especially the hanging statues with the light and it's like, well, that's a dirty word when you look at it that way. Oh, but it's like a deer when you look at it this way. I love those. And then there's just, there's a bucket called stuff. And this is one where that's like, if it's an

old vase that somebody painted usually a horse on or a beheading, then that's just kind of, that's just stuff. That's just the Flotsam and Jetsam of the thing. Can I tell you my least favorite bucket of art is the bucket of might be a chair, but isn't don't sit on it. Oh gosh. Those get me every time. That might be what they're calling when they're like, what kind of art do you have? Just say like, none of it looks like chairs. Don't worry. Don't worry. One thing that is an easy out for you is because you work at a contemporary art museum and people kind of ask what kind of art you have. You can just look at them and be like, the new shit. We got the new releases, the new hot shit. Yeah. None of that old garbage, just the hottest new sounds. We used to have a water lilies from

Monet, but we threw that in the fucking garbage can. And here's one I made with puke. This is Trent's puke shirt. He made it two weeks ago. It's the new shit. It'll be out of here in nine days. So enjoy it while it lasts. I'm going to throw it right on top of Claude Monet's busted old ass. Here's a dream catcher we made from the shredded up water lilies. It's hot shit. The important thing is it's new. Oh boy. That's all the things we know to say about art, ladies and gentlemen. I'm trying to think who was the nasty mess one. The one who made the Jackson Pollock made the nasty messes. Kevin Pollock. Now we've fully exhausted all of the things we know to say about art. A similar thing used to happen to me when I worked at Best Buy and people would call and say,

what kind of TVs do you have? Like telling about your TVs? And I don't know if you all know this. It's a lot of TVs. Yeah. And I think here's all you have to say. If someone says, what kind of art do you have? Say art, I think you'll like. And then say wink because they're calling and they won't see. This is such a wild unanswerable question that I think you have to judo it back on to them and say, what kind of art are you looking for? Because the answer is that. What would I have to do to get you into some of this art today? I go to art museums. I visit Houston and they have so many art museums. Every time we go, we'll hit up a couple of our museums and they're wonderful. If you were to ask me three feet from the front fucking door, hey Griffin, what are you excited

to see in there? I'd be like, and I would like, I would run away because I'd feel challenged in that moment because I don't know what kind of art I want. I just want to see it. And then sometimes you'll see a painting that you, you know, saw on a TV show once and that's cool. And yeah, that's pretty great. That's I think no matter what you tell these people, they're not fucking coming. Yeah. If they're asking this question, no one gets to the door of an art museum, peeks in and is like, what the fuck is all this? What is going on in here? No one drives there to like look in the door to see like what kind of good art you have. I mean, I was just, just regular art. It doesn't do anything. I like art that does something. You know how like, you know, a big pendulum that knocks

shit over. And I just learned about rotation of the earth. I love it. You know that everlasting gob stopper machine. It burps and farts with all kinds of beautiful colors all over it at the end. You got yourself a space tree. There's a whole fucking room in there where you can lick the art and it tastes like shit. No one has ever let me lick art. I went to this art museum once where they let you put on these like futuristic looking vests and they gave you a little fake gun and you could run around and shoot each other's vests and you would get points if you did a good enough job. And then afterward, you could go out to the concession stand and you could have a pizza. That's the best museum I've ever been to in my life. Billy Bob's Wonderland. It's a Cusar, I think.

Yes. Cusar Museum of Art. Yes. The Cusar Modern Museum of Movement Laser Tag. Designed by Guggenheim or whatever. It's the Guggenheim Cusar Museum. Hey, I got a guy. I only like poetry that has clues to a treasure. That's art. I only like paintings painted on top of another painting that you could only see with an x-ray and it leads you to something. Songs that are meant to put a dragon to sleep. That is a song. It does something. And I want to call a museum now and be like, hey, I'm really excited to come to a museum. Very stoked. I feel you got a Matisse, I think, is one of them. Anyway, do you have any of those paintings where the eyes follow you no matter where you are? Because fuck that. I'm very scared of whoever's in there. Do you have any paintings

that I might be afraid to be trapped in by a witch that I've crossed? Because if so, no, thank you. Do you have any paintings where you have to kind of cross your eyes to see them in their 3D? Because I love, I'm wild for that shit. And no one's got it. My mom used to have them at a concession stand. That's all these goddamn fidget spinners. Here's a yahoo sent in by Michelle Smith. Thank you. It's an anonymous yahoo answers user name. Oh my god. I would usually look around the page for inspiration for what to call these anonymous users. And right now I'm looking at a yahoo finance, just like video that's in the sidebar. And here's the headline. I want a munch, munch quad junior. Running on Duncan, coffee giant,

debut signature sneaker. So these are shoes that say Duncan Doe. That's on them. This is very strange. This would be like if you were reading a munch squad and there was just a yahoo embedded in the middle of it. I'm freaking out. Okay, anyway, this anonymous user who doesn't deserve a name asks, all I want in life is to be able to cruise on my motorcycle with my dog. How can I do that? I know sidecars are an option, but besides that, my dog is 80 pounds of Doberman slash pit bull. Update, demo. Can you link me some carriers that would be good for that? And I guess there's a, well, wait, there is no demo. I'm looking at all three answers. And once from Marion, once from Bill, and once from Baby Boomer 1001, which is a very sort of redundant name to have on yahoo.

Of course you are. I love you. You sometimes drop these yahoo scripting words like, here is my question. And I know what the answer is, but I don't want that answer. It sounds to me like the question asker would like the dog to be driving the motorcycle with this asker riding in the back of it. See, even then, I still would prefer if my dog was going, if my 80 pound of Doberman slash pit bull was going to be up there driving, I would want to be in the sidecar. It's not an option, Trav. We got a very narrow tunnel that we're planning on going. Oh, right, right, right, right. So that's just out of the question. I need to get my dog on this bike. See, then it seems more about the grips. You would have special

something that could slip their paws into. Yeah, that's a big old dog, 80 pounds, it feels like. So a traditional Baby Bjorn's not going to go ahead and get you there. Now, let me tell you about, I want a Baby Bjorn I could put Travis in. I was thinking about this the other day. My daughter's about 30 pounds and about three feet tall and I'm six feet tall and about like 200 pounds will round up. So I did the math and I think that means that I need like a 12 foot tall 1600 pound person to carry me around. I think if I'm doing that math correctly, I just want a giant to carry me around. Oh, it feels so good, but that's not the question. What if, I'll just keep putting these heaters up. Yeah, please. What if the bike is the dog?

Okay, go elaborate. You ever heard of this hybrid technology that's going on these days? Now Griffin. Yeah. Do you mean the hybrid cars that run on both gasoline and electric? No, man, no, man. I'm talking about biocyber melding. Do you know about this shit? Justin, you heard about this shit? Go on Griffin, tell me about, are you talking about like a robot dog bike? Yeah, and I think they're real good and everybody has robot dog bikes. Oh, no. Oh, no, one's crashing my front door. It's running over me over and over. I died, but I died, got killed by the thing I liked about the future. So that's my new black mirror. I found the thing I really liked about the future, but they ended up driving over me

and biting me. It's like, oh, it's running over me and biting me every time it goes. But those are the two worst parts of both a motorcycle and a dog. I should explain if you haven't seen the series Black Mirror every episode ends with someone getting run over by a cyborg dog bike. So that is kind of the gag of that bit. Sometimes it's more kind of, it makes more sense than others. Yeah. It's more part of the story. Sometimes it's a metaphorical cyborg dog bike, like a particularly weighty insult hurled at that person that was in the cyborg dog bike. That was my dog bike and then they die. The one where the two women forge a powerful relationship in the cyber environment, I thought was amazing and so touching and heartwarming until they got

their own two big dog bikes. And that was a weird, I was feeling uplifted and then black. That's how Black Mirror gets in because the future. But it's always the twist. Yeah. So, all right. What about a big shirt? Big shirt, doesn't it? Big dog shirt. No, like you wear a shirt, but also the dog fits in a shirt. Maybe big pants too that the dog also fits in. A training shirt. He won't need that all the time. Right. But you... This is what big dog shirts are made for. This is what big dogs is. Yeah. Shirts you can wear with your dog. That's what big dog shirts is. Oh, wait, then what are big Johnson shirts?

That's why you can stuff your hog up in. No problem. No fear is the one where you hide your fear in the shirt. Stay quiet in there. I can't let anyone know. I'll take the fear. I'm a shirt. It's made of this fear sponge material. It wicks the fear away. It wicks it right away. Jerome, let me wick your fear. Jerome, I'll wick your fear. I'm getting wet as fuck in this shirt, but I am not afraid. Thank you. You want to read a question? I recently decided to patronize... Yes, yes, yes. You fucking nerd. I recently decided to patronize my local concert hall in a whim,

arriving only a few months before the concert started. No. Minutes. What is wrong with you? What did I say? Months. Hey, you guys throw the concert here in June? Yeah, but it's only a few months. Who's playing? Well, two months from now, we got a simple plan. Fuck. Okay. I guess I'll stay for that. I decided to patronize my local concert hall in a whim, arriving only a few minutes before

the concert started. As I was approaching the box office to purchase a ticket, a woman intercepted me and all but insisted I use the spare ticket she had as one of her family members when I was not able to make it. Before I could consider the consequences of doing so, I graciously accepted and she sat me among her family members in the second row of the stage for very intimate to our concert. Because of the proximity to the stage, I'm worried these were rather expensive tickets. Should I try to compensate her somehow? She also invited me to her church. Do I have to start going there? Do I need to buy her a ticket to something now? That's from a ticket tag along in Texas.

I don't even think how could you not tell us what the concert was? I thought that's like was going to be the whole thing. I'm so disappointed. Yeah. James Taylor. The church thing probably not. I think you're okay. I think you're okay. That's a big decision for a person to make and I do not think you can be bought into it by a second row tickets for a James Taylor concert. After all that James Taylor concert, you got plenty of church and you just from that right there, I promise. Do you need to buy her a ticket? Here's the thing. At the moment that ticket entered your possession one second before that exchange happened, that ticket's value was zero because it was not going to be used. If I have a gun ball and I was going to

throw it on the ground as hard as I possibly can as a joke and then I saw Travis and I was like, you want this gun ball? It's no longer the 25 cents I spent for the gun ball. It's valueless because I decided it had no value because I was going to throw it on the ground. Does that make sense? Yes, but I also think Griffin, this person welcomed you into their family. Probably shared some James Taylor branded popcorn with you, fire and rain and butter and salt. That's probably, we could probably do better. I know, but there's no time. So they shared that experience with you and now even I think what you're feeling, question asked her is a bond and you want to break that with money and I get that.

You feel like you owe them something. Maybe just handle it 20 and walk away. I feel like you went to a concert, going to a concert without knowing what concert you're going to see is the single wildest act I have ever heard of any human doing. That would be akin to mailing $100 to Amazon and saying, eh, whatever, surprise me and make me all video myself opening it and you can watch my reaction. It's insane. You deserve the worst that life has to offer you, but it's like going to a museum without knowing if they have laser tag. I will say this, you went there to open yourself up to the adventure of life. One of the many wonderful adventures this world has in store for us and it seems like the door has been open

to a story where maybe you find a family that has always wanted a child like yourself and you find renewal in the blood of Jesus Christ or something and it's like your story that you started with this like random thing and now you're just going to close the door on it. I think you need to repay these people by becoming a part of their family, like a surrogate member of their family. Be there at Thanksgiving, at Easter, whatever, whatever they like or not. Yeah, you're going to repay them somehow until one of them, you know, they'll become a moment when they need a ticket for something and then you can get the hell out of Dodge. Yeah, and then you're free. Ah, shoot. I would really love to go see Kings of Leon. Oh, cool. I got you a ticket for that.

Bye, fuckos. Dude, we spent three Christmases together. Are you sure? Yes. I'm Genie. I'm free. Whoosh. Hey, Brittany, we all hate Dylan. What's up? I'm out. We've hated him the whole time. Hey, Kevin, your hair cut sucks. I didn't like that sweater. You knitted me for Christmas. You all want a quick yahoo? Yeah. Yeah, I think so, Griff. Okay. Here's one from Drew Davenport, level 9000, Yadru, Drew, Drew Davenport. It's from Yadru Answers user. They're anonymous too. I'm going to call them. Bartholomew asks, did cavemen go to school? Did cavemen go to school? Not in the traditional sense, I think. Probably not in the school, school, as we know school. I think school probably didn't get invented until more recently,

I'm thinking. But did cavemen have a school like system where they could share? Like a cave school? Where they sat at like rock desks? You would assume some sort of hunting apprenticeship, right? But that would be, I feel like cumbersome because you have one dude who's like great at hunting and all the kids would want to train with him. Yeah. So he would need to maybe educate them en masse, which I feel like is all we're talking about, right? Like here is how you, here's how you beat a velociraptor. Yeah, and they use pins or whatever. They made out of dinosaur bones? Yeah, they would use pins out of dinosaur bones with dynamo lighting. Maybe like books that are just big leaves all stuck together? Yeah, their books would be big leaves and they wouldn't

have iPads, they would have rocks. Rocks. That can be funny. Big flat rocks. They'd be like, oh, this is my tablet, but it's just like a stone tablet. I'm writing this down for the caveman, the Geico caveman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, wait, stop, stop, shut up. School clubs. Okay. Okay, I'm fine. Because they're cavemen. Yeah, I don't think they do that. They can be a drama club, but it's an actual club. Okay. And it says drama on it. Okay. And Glee club, but it's a club that says Glee on it. All right. I don't know why you said shut up, though. Yeah. I had this perfect joke, Griffin, and I was afraid it was a swim team, but they do it in a tar pit. Yes. Yes. Oh, and at lunch, they just get a big side of brontosaurus ribs.

Okay. So, okay, listen. It tips their car over. When the caveman invented the wheel, did everyone else just immediately agree like, yeah, that's better? Or did they have to take some time and be like, is this better? Is this good? Is it good? Fire. I mean, it's warm. It's bright. There is just nothing funny about cavemen. And like, it makes me wonder why they decided to do a whole situation comedy about it. You heard me say drama club, but it's a club, right? That was more amusing. That was more readers digest like a real toilet thinker. It wasn't a real gut buster that, you know, I expect from a mad magazine. So, yeah, I'm sorry for this one, guys. I would, I would like to take a moment. I've been led onto the internet. And I know

that we need to do the money zone and everything, but I'd like to take a moment to talk about the TV series caveman and the things that I've learned about it on the Wikipedia page. And I know what you're thinking. A sitcom that is about the guy called caveman that briefly aired in 2007. It doesn't seem all that funny, but listen to this description from the synopsis. Cavemen have prominent brow ridges and more body hair than homo sapiens, but beyond superficial differences in appearance, they actually are not that much different from modern humans in terms of behavior or physical abilities. Male cavemen are very hairy, have thick long beards and wear their hair shoulder length. A cave woman that appeared on the show

also had a prominent brow ridge and comparatively more body hair than a modern human female. Some cavemen attempted to pass as homo sapiens. This is about the series. Some cavemen attempted to pass as homo sapiens by shaving their body hair. Other cavemen called them shavers. The central humor of the show is that cavemen characters are not brutish primates, but fully integrated into white collar jobs. The central cavemen characters are modern city dwellers. They must in third, they must endure racial epithets such as Magger, a pun based on Crow Magman. Oh my god. Fuck this is funny. Damn, I'm laughing already. And that's before I get to the last line of the synopsis. According to producer Joe Lawson, the show was originally going to be set

in Newport News due to its proximity to the water. Then the setting changed to Atlanta, Georgia, and finally San Diego, California. The 13 episodes of this series were made. The final six did not air on traditional television. And if you can do a little math, that means that cavemen got seven episodes, which is again, one more episode, one more episode than our TV show. But good news is all the episodes aired in Australia. I always said they should have done a show about the talking stack of dollar bills. Because that's fun, because that one's funny. And they could have called it the money zone. Yeah, the get goes pretty good. Oh, that was the transition. Well, I'm going to talk about Squarespace now. You've got a great idea somewhere inside you.

I believe that all people are formed by their life experience to put something, anything into the world that only they can create right now. Right now. Yes, Travis, even you. Right now that flame lies buried within you. And there is a way to unlock it, friends. Hi, I'm Justin McIlroy, and I am ready to unlock the power within you by harnessing the creative energy of Squarespace. Are you still talking about me? Still about you, Travis. This is direct conduit from your heart and your mind into the computer. Okay, we'll turn your dreams and your imaginations into emotions that could be seen on any computer screen, like like phones. What? Like a lawnmower man. Just like in lawnmower man. And these are these aren't just on screens,

phones too. They're designed from mobile from the ground up. They're going to help you design a website to showcase your work, promote your business, announce an upcoming event or special project like a reboot of caveman. There's got beautiful customizable templates to create about world-class designers. I don't know why they need to be customizable, though, if they're created by world-class designers, maybe you shouldn't fuck with them. Maybe they put a lot of work into them. You should just use them like they are. And there's e-commerce functionality too. So make your dreams stand out. Make it stand out. Stand out with a beautiful website from Squarespace. Head over to squarespace.com slash mybrother for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch,

use the offer code mybrother. Save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Squarespace, plug your brain and heart into a computer and let your dreams become a website to you. That's really nice. Is that a poem? Is that a poem? Yes, because it's meant to sell something. There's a purpose. Ah, perfect. Justin, speaking of domains, could I have, Lily is a very good girl.com back now or where are we at on that? I'll tell you what, Travis, if you get into Supernatural Season 15, I'll give you the URL back. Okay, there we go. I want to tell you about Stitch Fix. I have had a 100% hit rate with Stitch Fix for the last couple months. Stitch Fix, you go in, you tell them what your style is. They even show you some different

options and say, do you like this? What about this? Is this something you would wear? You also can tell them what you'd be willing to pay for a pair of shoes or a shirt, where you would wear the clothes, and then they send you a box of, I would say, super high quality, amazingly tailored to your style clothing and not just shirts and pants. I've also gotten shoes. I've gotten hats. I've gotten really cool stuff from them. Jackets. Oh, I got this jacket in my last one that has just instantly become a favorite because you work with a personal stylist who gets to know you and what you want. Get started today at stitchfix.com slash my brother, and you'll get an extra 25% off when you keep all items in your box. That's stitchfix.com slash my brother,

stitchfix.com slash my brother. Hi, it's Ali Kokesh, one of the cast members of Mission to Zix, a new addition to the MaxFun network. We're blown away by the welcome we've received from MaxFun listeners, telling us you've discovered the show and are binging it hard, supporting us during the drive and just being rad humans all around. Mission to Zix is an improvised, obsessively sound design sci-fi comedy epic, following a group of ambassadors as they explore the S end of space. I played Dar, the 12 foot tall omnisexual security officer with furry scales, chest talons, and a series of flaps and shoots that are for, you know, you'll figure it out. We'd be delighted if you joined our crew aboard the aging sentient starship, the Bargerian Jade,

as we traveled the Zix Quadrant, meeting all sorts of weird aliens played by brilliant guest comedians. That's Mission to Zix, ZYXX. Question. Another question. Here we go. Another question. Coming at ya. Oh my god, Justin. I'm interrupting myself this time because I thought that was more polite. I want a munch. I've got some drainage and I want too much. And it's messing up my voice. Quick update. Don't do the Duncan shoes. I did the Duncan shoes.

Quick update before we get in. Welcome to the Family Fresh and Co. launching a cannabis-focused menu. It's a special 420 hemp and CBD-infused menu that launches exclusively on Fresh and Co. app on April 9th. You fucked up. We'll be in restaurants from April 12th through April 30th. Fresh and Co. executive Craig Respoli curated the menu in collaboration with Jeepney's chef, Miguel Trinidad. And just so you're plugged into where the scene is at, they got the half-baked shrimp salad, which is hemp cakes, hemp mixed greens, sea beans, red onion, whatever. There's CBD-infused ginger cashew aioli on that. Good. There's a blazed beet sandwich. Again, this is CBD, folks, and hemp, which is making me ropes out of. None of these sandwiches

will not get you high. They're not going to get you high. I wish to god these companies would stop making sandwiches pertain. They're going to get you high. I see. I want to talk very quickly about Toppers Pizza, which just added pretzel bites to its value menu. I've never been to a Toppers Pizza and I don't know anyone who has, but I feel like I've learned a lot about Toppers Pizza, namely that the person they talk to, namely the president, doesn't give a shit about these Toppers Pizza continues its commitment to great pizza and quality offerings, all at an affordable price, thanks to the launch of its newest value item, pretzel bites. Bill, on the belief that better doesn't have to cost more, in the words of founder and president

of Toppers Pizza, Scott Getrich, the brand rolled out a pick-any-two or more from- Scott Getrich? Scott Getrich. That's not a fake person's name. His name's Scott Getrich. President Scott is the CEO. The $5.99 value menu lets customers choose any two of the following, baked mac and cheese, gooey monkey bread, half-pound orders of boneless wings, and single orders of topper sticks, plus any medium to topping pizza. Folks, if you want to put weed into food, that's your route right there. That's where you're going to put weed in. I know what it is and I do enjoy it, but hearing the phrase gooey monkey bread is like, yeah, it's rough. It's upsetting. It's viscerally upsetting.

So these Toppers pretzel bites are snack-ready morsels fried to perfection and dusted with sea salt, in case you're curious. This is one of the weirder lines. Customers can pick from any dip in sauce with nacho cheese, the brand's favorite. That's exactly what it says. With nacho cheese, the brand's favorite. A $5.99 value item includes 12 pretzel bites. And so they come to Scott Getrich and they say, Scott, Scott, give me a quote, Scott. We need a quote. This press release is going out hot. Give me a quote for the pretzel bites press release. For almost 30 years, we've been relentlessly committed to doing pizza better, says Scott Getrich. That means our fans shouldn't compromise on quality in pursuit of affordability, our ever-expanding value memory reflects that.

Scott, Scott, how do you begin with we are relentlessly committed to doing pizza better? And your next sentence is, and folks, we've strayed from the path. These abominations that have nothing to do with pizza. Bread should not be bathed in an alkaline bath. It goes against my beliefs. So Scott Iverson, the VP of marketing for Toppers Pizza, buses in the room. He's like, wait, Scott, hey, it's me. Nice Scott. And that quote was terrible. Here, I'm going to get people horny for pretzels. Not again. You're good, Scott. You've twisted my bread dreams. We work tirelessly to make sure our pizza lovers enjoy a variety of complimentary options that we develop after closely attending to the data. What? What data?

We work tirelessly to make sure our pizza lovers enjoy a variety of complementary options that we develop after closely attending to the data. What the living fuck? What are you talking about? Man, I'm hungry for pretzel bites. Do you know good place? Well, we make good pizza and look at data. Do you want some of these? Every time you order a Toppers Pizza, as you open the box, someone rises up from behind your couch like, don't mind me. Just observing the data. I'm minding the data on this. I think of myself as something of an appetizer, sommelier. So it looks like you're having a sausage and mushroom, might I suggest, the fried pretzel bites. They are dusted with sea salt. You will never get this form.

My favorite dusting, my favorite dipping is the nacho cheese, of course. It's the restaurant's favorite. It doesn't matter what you like. We've attended to the data. It's all of your favorites. Anyway, I will now read a question. I was working the ticket counter at my university theater when a man approached... This is a very performing arts-centric episode, isn't it? It's very arts-heavy. Not just performing arts. The first question about art, it's about the arts. I was working the ticket counter at my university theater when a man approached the counter and said, stone cold, I'm just going to bust in. I walked into the theater unchallenged. How could I have stopped him? That's from steamrolled at the singerama. My friend,

I don't think you could have. He did say very clearly he was going to bust in. He stated his intention and he completed his objective. It's not a crime if you warn him. That is true. What is a crime? What are you going to get tried for in this one? I hate to revert to shoplifting as cool Griffin, but it's not shoplifting this one. You can't shoplift a beautiful performance from David Hyde Pierce at the Broadway. David Hyde Pierce isn't going to be like, hey, give me my performance back that I did in show. Right. It's impossible to imagine that we have gone this far in the history of the arts and have not come up with a countermeasure for I'm just going to bust in. Yeah. No one's ever thought of this. Like Broadway,

Hamilton tickets are real tough to get. I've got a solution. I'm just going to bust in. I'll go. And you know what? If I sit in someone's seat because I already bought it, you know what I'll tell them? Sit somewhere else. Yeah. I bust it in. Or I'll just get up and move to the next empty seat I see and just keep doing that until I get to stay in a seat the whole time. Yeah. Or I'll stand in the back. I bust it in. You've got nothing on me. You have no way to track me. I'm off the grid. I'm a self-made man. And if you're watching this show, you'll learn that those are good. Yeah. Hamilton would have stood in the aisle. I'm the Hamilton of this theater. If you think about it, really. Would the Phantom of the Opera sit in a seat or would he lurk in the back as I am doing?

Yeah. Look at me now. I'm trying to catch me, but I can't because I'm so slippery, just like Rummy Tumbles, the cat. Rumbly Tumblies. Rumble Tumbles. Here's what you can do to someone who announces that they're just going to bust in. You could say I'd prefer you. You could try that. This is something my daughter is taking to do. Say I'm just going to bust in and you just say no. No. And then they'll do it anyway. But it's a strong response. That happens when you look at Beebe and it's like, well, nap time. And she just says no. And it's kind of irrefutable. Once they get in there, you can't stop the show to get the performance burglar. You can't do it. You could call the cops and it's going to go like this.

Hi, this is the cops. What's your emergency? Well, they busted in. Yeah. What do you want us to do? It sounds like they're already in. This happened one time when I was at CSC and a person walked in like, I think it was like 10 minutes into the start of Act 1 and like made eye contact with the person at the front and just like nodded as if like, I've been in, you know, and the person in the front went, uh, and immediately reacted. But the person, the guy who walked in just kept walking down the aisle to backstage and then just like stood in the backstage looking around and then turned back and left. Ouch. That's not great. Travel viewers to work at the Marquis cinemas, right? Yes. Were you given any protocol for

I'm just going to bust in? Uh, no. And you know what? I don't think I would have noticed. Yeah, I'm just going to bust in. Don't. No, I'm going anyway. I want to see the show and I don't want to pay for it. I'm going to bust in now. Please don't. You know, it's, you know, it's fucked up. I've been sitting here trying to think of something to say and I just now realized that everything I've been trying to think up is good ways to bust in and because I was just thinking about saying out loud, you dress up in all black and you put on a headset and you carry around a, you know, a three-ring binder and you just walk into it really quickly. You can give them like a hold on, hold on finger if they start to talk to you

because they don't know who you might be, stage manager. You might be trying to stage managing and you need to be up there. I don't, I feel like if you sneak in, you'll be arrested. I think that is a crime to sneak in. I don't want anybody sneaking in. I want to push against this nation's inability to stop people who are just going to bust in, only performing arts. I think if you, if you rolled up to, let's go back to Hamilton, if you rolled up to a matinee of Hamilton, dressed, I can't afford it, Trev. No, Justin, you're dressed as Hamilton and you're going to bust in and you're going to say, I'm going to bust in in like a Hamilton accent and like at that point, everyone's like, this is part of it. This is show kicks ass.

It starts even before you get into the theater. Yours is too stealthy still. I feel like to maintain the bust in because that's so important. Bust in makes Justin feel good. Is you dress up like Alexander Hamilton and then you bust in, charge the stage, grab the real Hamilton and you two spin around real fast. Okay, don't do that. And then you say, arrest who? Okay, ask me something, only the real Hamilton would know. That kind of thing. You got a bone up before you go. I love that. Which number president were you? 14. I fuck. Damn it. No. Got it in one. And then they take you to jail and you say, I'm going to bust out.

And they're like, damn it. Why haven't we thought about something? Damn it, Ben Bam. I'm a prison warden. Now these dang guys keep slipping on dang through. Do you guys know how, how just like existentially fucked it is that we have now spent, I don't know, six minutes talking about other fun ways to do the crime and other cool places to do it? Because the answer for the question that we received is Caltrups. And I wanted to make some jokes before we landed on the obvious answer of Caltrups. This is the thing I think about like how much stuff we all kind of just do because we know we're not supposed to do it. Like, you know, I have a running joke with Teresa every time

like a check comes for a meal. I just look at her and like kind of quietly say like, so done and dash. But then I think like people then like just leave your table and you could just get up and leave. Like you shouldn't. You shouldn't listen. You should not do that and don't do it. But there are things that we don't do because everybody just knows that they're like the wrong thing to do. And one of those is I'm just going to bust in. So it feels like the thing to do to stop that is I don't know better education in schools maybe. Well, I don't know. Just, just every time you turn in a ticket to any event to a ticket changer, take a moment, look at them in the eyes and share a moment where the both of you just appreciate the long

moral arc of the universe. Yes. How about a yahoo and say, I'm not going to bust in. Yes, I'm going. Thank you. I'm going to saunter in. Adrian cal sent this in. It's from Yahoo answers user Johnson. Who does ask how to build a koi pond for cheap? Oh, I love these big guys. This is me. This is Griffin saying I Griffin said that I love these big guys. Okay, they're so fucking big. Every time I see a koi and I do with alarming frequency. Every time I see a koi, I forget like, Wowzers, you guys are so big. I feel so at peace looking at you in there. But I do I've got three dollars and I want to I want it to be like you're in a fancy bank when you walk by my house or inside my house. I preferably it would be inside in my lobby where

the shoes live. Oh, well, I was just gonna say plug up your bathtub. No, no, no, because then it's only for the shitters who go in there to use the bathroom. I want everybody I want where my shoes live where I kick off my, my, my boots at the end of a hard day at the factory. I want there to be koi there instead. But I got like three dollars. Do you know what my problem is with koi? Yeah, they're always pretending to be shy. No, I don't think so. I checked travel. I don't think because they're being coy. Yeah, I don't I don't actually think so on that. Here's one thing you could try is take all your koi to the local swimming pool and dump them in. Yeah, they're fine. They live for this shit. That's the thing you don't know about koi. They're nasty. And you can't kill them.

People really like it when we get things wrong about fish care. So I just want to announce that you can't throw your koi in the local swimming pool. And then you say, hey, nobody fucking swimming this. This is my koi pond. I just busted it in. Yeah. And I threw all my fish in here and you get new shit about it. And don't give me the sad eyes. They're fine. Yeah. These things are nasty and they live for chlorine and they love it. How much are kiddie pools? Could you get a kiddie pool for like 10 bucks? You could. You know Travis, I thought about that. I was the first thing I was about to say. And then I thought, well, that probably wouldn't work because you probably need to dig a hole for it. And it's like, okay, you see, dig a hole for your koi pond and then you put

the kiddie pool in and then maybe you put grass over it to kind of hide that. I was like, oh no, it's a good idea. Oh no, tragically. You could lay down some plastic bags to line it. Oh no, wait, that's a good idea. Wait, wait, wait. Shit, that's it, Trav. I want them in my house, right? And a kiddie pool buried in the ground. That's not great. But, but clear garbage bags that I fill with water and stuff one individual koi in before tying it up. And then I could just leave it in the living room like a beanbag chair that no one can ever sit on or all the consequences will be so dire. Oh my God. Oh my God, they'd be so bad. Everything would be ruined. Including the koi. The koi's fucking fine. Don't worry about the koi. They're nasty. They live for

it. Oh God, the terrible mess. The terrible mess. But then, but it would be badass though. They look like a cool bank. Yeah, that's for me. That's the one for me. Folks, that's going to do it for us this week on my brother, my brother and me. We hope you've enjoyed yourself as much as we have. It's always a treat getting to spend some time with you. If you have four spare bucks this week, we would ask Humbly that you go to your local comic store and buy War of the Realms Journey into Mystery number one. I know it sounds like great A&R chip, but we wrote it and it's not, it's pretty good even if you don't read comics. Our daddy wrote it with us and we worked together. Actually, he did the bulk of the work.

But we're taking the credit. Oh, we're taking the credit. That's the McRoy family crest. It's right on there. Look it up. It's a cat stealing a cake from another cat. We also just announced like a shit ton of tour dates coming up for 2019. They went on sale last week, so hopefully they're either not sold out or you got your chance at those tickets. But if they're not sold out, go to McRoy.family, click on tours. There's a whole bunch all over the place. And if you're sitting there thinking, well, you're not coming to where I am, there's lots of places where people are and we can't go to all of them. But maybe if these tickets sell really well, we'll go to other places next year. Who knows? Who knows? We're so wild and unpredictable.

I want to thank John Roderick in the Long Winters for the use of our theme song It's a Departure off the Album Putting the Days to Bed, which is a fantastic album and, can I say, fantastic. And thanks to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. Maximumfun.org is a website you want to go to if you want to check out all kinds of great shows like JV Club with Janet Varney and Stop Podcasting Yourself and Hushacha and just all of them at Maximumfun.org. Anything else? There's a lot of merch. If you go to macroemerge.com or add new stuff every month and seemingly all the time. So if you haven't checked in a while, go check it out. Yeah. Here's finally YAH who is sitting by Adrian. Call us. Thanks, Adrian. It's YAH who answers user Cool Birds who asks,

Does anyone else ever accidentally call lotion yogurt and vice versa? My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad. Screw out the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hi, I'm Joe Firestone. And I'm Manolo Moreno. And we're the hosts of Doctor Game Show, which is a podcast where we play games submitted by listeners regardless of quality or content within studio guests and callers from all over the world. And you can win a custom magnet. A custom magnet. Subscribe now to make sure you get our next episode. What's an example of a game, Manolo?

Pokemon or medication. How do you play that? You have to guess if something's a Pokemon name or a medication. First time listener. If you want to listen to episode highlights and also know how to participate, follow Doctor Game Show on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. We'd love to hear from you. It's really fun for the whole family. We'll be every other Wednesday starting March 13th and we're coming to Max Fun. Snorlax. Pokemon? Yes. Nice.