My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 457: Wake Up and Smell The Future, It’s Time For Beanjuice

Episode Date: April 29, 2019

Wake Up and Smell The Future, It’s Time For Beanjuice™! Grind up the day! Here is Beanjuice™. It is an exciting opportunity: A contest, maybe! But one thing’s for sure: High-end luxury, and youth, and it’s not the stuff that’s left over in a can of beans, so please stop telling people that. Suggested talking points: Beanjuice™, Amateur Panera Bread Server, Jerry Seinfeld: Latency-free Gamer, Off to See the Lizard, Rob Lowe’s Murderglobes, Accidental Butt Smack

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother. My brother me an advice show from the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother, 30 under 30, Griffin McElroy. And boy, it's an exciting day. The tingles on this end are just, it's electric.

I can feel, I can feel, I can feel for the first time. Yeah, it's like I'm sitting on a bumblebee. So off mic, we had a conversation, it's been going for months now, that it seems like there's a trend in celebrities like throwing their weight and like all their investment and money and stuff behind a brand. You have Kanye West and his line of clothes and shoes and stuff and Kim K. She's got a lot of money tied up in things. There's Goop, whatever that is. No one's quite sure what it is. No one knows what that is. And so we've been looking for, what is, what's our product?

Well, let's do a bit of a reveal, right? Let's put a little bit of that Apple stink on it. Okay. So folks, what, imagine, close your eyes. And I'm, we're going to start saying some words and we want you to start thinking about the void in your life that these words could fill. I'll start with high end, luxury, youth, morning time, hot, wake up, wake up, wake up and smell the future. Grind the up the day. Grind up the day with, can we say it at the same time or? I don't know if Skype will allow for that, but we'll see.

Well, let's just start whispering it over and over again. Hmm, mm-hmm. I'm just now realizing when we say it, hold on, I'll edit this out because we got to really, we can't like fuck this up because we have just, I have so much money invested in this, but I just realized that when you say bean juice a lot in a row, it does sound a lot like Beetlejuice. And I don't want to scare the people. Oh, okay. Bean juice juice. Hey Griffin, you're still cutting this out, right?

Yes, yes, yes. Okay guys, as long as you're still editing, because I'm so fucking scared about this. I know. It seemed like a really good idea, but like. Now I'm saying that. Yeah, I'm saying it. Saying it is, is tough, right? Okay, now back to the pitch, back to the pitch.

All right, let me give you some claps. Bean juice, bean juice. What? Oh, what is it? Oh, you're probably sitting there thinking like, is it, I don't know, that, you know, when you open a can of beans and there's some juice. No, it's not that. What is that? Hey, can we stop that?

Can we, I'll edit this out again, but that is kind of, that's kind of where I go. And again, it's not super good or appetizing. I don't want to drink that because that is, when I googled bean juice, that is like the first result. And I don't know how we're going to beat. Griffin, we talked about this. We have to be fucking committed or nobody's going to buy it. Okay, you're right.

Cut back, cut back, cut back. Put it, cut it in. No, it's not the juice from a bean can. Who would think of that? You might think, is it like coffee? And yes. And yes. Yeah.

You got it in too. It is a, well, not a coffee. What Griffin, can you edit this out? Yeah. Okay. I think maybe it does sound like it should have been coffee. It seems like it would be a coffee. And not just a coffee mug.

Because if we just say that, is there any way we can get in the head of this and do just more than a coffee mug? Because I feel like then we're going to, it's going to be very transparent. But we pay for all the mugs. Right. It's going to be very transparent that we pay for all these mugs that say bean juice on them. And then we try to justify it by then retroact. Oh, wait, okay, wait, edit, edit me back in.

Are you ready? No, everybody's got coffee. But the question is, where do you put it in that old, gross mug that you've had since like high school? That's all gross? No. In our high end VIP mug, it's revolutionary. How are you going to know where to pour this luxury brown sauce?

This high, this high end hot. This hot bean juice. This hot bean juice. But we're not selling the hot bean juice part. No, no, no, no. Okay. But like, where do you, where do you even know where to and how to put it? Here's a mug that tells you it's made of ceramic

or something we didn't sign off in that or any part of it. There's a sign on it that says bean juice. And it's one word modern and you can find it today. And can I cut the, can we, can I cut it out? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know, guys, I don't know. We probably should, we should make it sound like there's only a couple instead of like the tens of thousands we've heard.

They're going to see right the fuck through that. Okay, okay, okay, okay, yes, yes. And we can do it like a contest. Okay, cut it back in. So we have a contest to announce alongside and it's that one, there's two cups. There's only two mugs. And to get them, you have to give us 100. How much should we, how much?

Okay, 100 is too much. Justin, what was our over here? A per cup? It's a pay what you can. Is that, that was bad for a mug, right? Yeah, that's nice. Because there are fixed costs. This is a great opportunity for you to enter a contest where you could win one of two coffee

cups. By buying them. And shit, I said coffee cups. We said this, it's mug is sexier. It could be any, and it could be anything. And it's bean juice, you have to say bean juice mug grip. And you can't say coffee. We can also just say like that it's, these, what makes a bean juice mug different?

It makes the coffee taste better. And also you can't break it no matter how hard you try. And if you, and if you do break it, we will replace it at the exact additional cost. Shit, that's not, none of that. That's when it doesn't work. That doesn't, that doesn't work. No, for the same cost. Well, please, okay, listen, we have four kids at this point between the three of us.

And we put all of their college funds into bean juice. To haul our brain down this, guys. We just thought maybe bean juice. I just got a fucking whole palette of these fucking mugs, guys. I don't even know where my key from. Rachel's going to be so fucking TO'd. Guys, real quick, we forgot to, we forgot to get a URL for the mugs. Where should I put, what should I get?

beanjuice.xxx I can't get beanjuice.com. I can't get bean juice. Oh no. Oh no. So bad. That's so bad. Bean juice, brothers.

Bean juice, brothers is so much more to type. I can get beanjuice.horse. That's nothing. What about brother juice? I get a no, I get an IP. No, our lawyer who sits in the corner when we record is looking me shaking his head. I typed in, well, I can get brotherjuice.com, which I may just pick up as long as I'm snobby.

Just as like an impulse buy by the register. I'm just going to add that to the cart real quick. How about beanjuicemugs4sale.com? Perfect. That works for me. I like how brief it is. Number four or spelled out? Bean juice mugs, the number four seems easier.

That's quicker to type out. Shorter, yeah. So you can just try that link. It'll take you right to the mugs. It's a new brand, a new, oh, fuck. What's our first question? Here's my first question. What did we do?

My wife thinks I'm bad at napkins. She claims this because whenever I go out to eat at a place where you have to get your own napkins, I do not. The reason I don't is because someone always gets napkins and they never really grab more than they need. Then I swoop the unused napkins as needed and life goes on. She maintains, this is rude behavior. I maintain it as napkin efficient.

Who is writing this? And that's from nipping napkins. Wow, that's actually, mm. This is a good one. This is a good one. I never, I never grab napkins. Never think. I'm just realized sitting here thinking about that.

Unless I'm dining alone, I never grab napkins because I assume my wife got napkins. I am the opposite. Where I win, win said, like get however many, I don't know, ketchup packets or straws or napkins you need on your own. I suddenly am just like, I have no concept. Like I'll get three straws for one drink. And now inevitably it does always pan out

because someone at the table didn't grab straws and it does. It is, someone has to be the grasshopper and someone has to be the ants. That's just it. I feel like without your services, there's going to be a lot of napkins just getting thrown in the fizzoli's garbage can. The world needs big, beautiful napkin boats,

but it needs those napkin barnacles too. Feeding off the underbelly of the more responsible clean-handed parties among us. Because I'm with you and Rachel always does and then it's a zero-sum game. You know what? I would say, I like when I grab ketchup packets and it's like, oh no, too many ketchup packets.

They're still in individual containers that I take with me. Maybe from now on, if I get too many napkins, I just take those napkins with me and I use them again later. Those are some free napkins. This is a life hack from me to you. Don't want to buy your own napkins for home? Good news. Go to fizzoli's.

Get some napkins from fizzoli's. They got you. They got you. They say take as many as you want. Just take the whole container. Can I talk about it? This has led me to a serious situation regarding Panera Bread that I wanted to hit you guys with.

This is a big problem for me and I want to talk you guys through it. I go to Panera Bread at the mall, right? You know the one. You know Panera Bread up there. Just in place, I call it. Just in place. So two times ago, time before last, I went to Panera Bread.

Go in with my family. My family, we walk into Panera Bread. We are in the back of the line. At this point, a gentleman walks up to us and asks where we'd like to sit at Panera Bread. And then asks if we'll need a high chair and says he'll find a spot for us and put a high chair there. That's problem one because I would like to pick

where I'm going to sit at Panera Bread. You have taken that from me. You have taken my agency and this is extremely problematic. I've also never encountered a host at Panera Bread. Second, yes, exactly Travis. Second thing that comes is I go up and order my food. I go back to the table with my pager that's supposed to buzz when my salad and my family's food,

which is two grilled cheese sandwiches for my daughters and a salad for my wife. When the food is done, I'm to be buzzed. This same gentleman who we'll call Dave rolls up to the table and takes my pager away from me. And says he'll let me know when it's ready. Huh, huh, just right, huh, huh, huh. And then, then, then I'm like, okay, well, this sucks.

He brings the food back. Ask if I need any salt, pepper, or butter. No, I don't. I don't need butter, Daniel. Secondly, Dave, sorry, Dave was his name. You're breaking the fiction. Secondly, thirdly, his hands are very dirty. Now Justin gets guacamole all over my damn plate.

Was he dressed in any such manner that would make you think he worked at Panera Bread? None of it, none of it. It's yes, okay, yes, but his actions were so off the grid that it made me feel like he's gone rogue state or something. Like he is Dave. He has become a bad actor. There hasn't been a Dave here in over 50 years.

Yeah, you got ghost served. I mean, we did suggest, I believe, either last or two episodes ago that people do take the art of restaurant serving into their own hands. So this could be a fan. This could be a fan. It could be a listener.

He was there the last time we went to Panera too. And it has gotten to the point where my agency has been so removed. I feel like a prisoner in this Panera. I got up to get a fork for my family because we needed another one. And he intercepted me and asked what I needed and said he would get it for me.

I want to get my own fork, Dave. Justin, I'm going to ask you the most important question about this entire scenario. Yeah. Did you tip Dave in any way? Oh, isn't this interesting? Now we've gotten to the real crux of the matter, isn't it? This is interesting because that was every fiber of my body

said you have to tip this person now who's kept you prisoner at the local Panera bread. You have to tip this person. But I bust my own table at Panera bread. There's a system. I bust my own table, right? Like I was supposed to find my own family, a table. I bust my own table.

So if I do that, then I've just left some dollars on a table. There's nowhere in the system where he's going to latch on to this money. So it would be me going to him and just handing him like, thanks for taking such good care of me. Please continue these actions for the foreseeable future. Hi, my name is Justin McRae.

I wanted to reinforce your behavior at this Panera bread. So now I can't go to this Panera bread because this guy is running it like it's his own private opium den where he's just catering to everybody's wants when I just want to enjoy an independent, you know, excursion with my family. You don't want a Panera bread concierge. No, I don't need another layer of interaction here.

I just want to go up and order my food and then you hand me this great buzzer, which I love this. I love the buzzer. It's fun. Oh, it's a sexy little device. The curves on it. This is good tech. I don't have an iPhone anymore.

I just have one of those buzzers that I stole from an outback steakhouse. Still buzzes sometimes that I think somewhere my steak's ready. It buzzes and that's how I know that I have to pick up my son from daycare because he has a sickness. Do you guys want a Yahoo? Yes, please. I'm sorry for your loss, Justin.

I just love to go on that Panera bread and there's not another one close. And also another important announcement earlier. I laughed hard at your story and the sound waves I made in Odyssey looked exactly like a fish skeleton. It was so cool. This is a Yahoo that was sent in by Amy.

Thanks, Amy. It's Yahoo Answers user. Oh, Ron Paul 2012, who asks. Oh, okay. Do I still have fraud protection if I post pics of my credit cards on Facebook? Oh my God. Did you say fraud protection or fraud protection?

Do you remember? Update. My friends show off their PS4 flat screen TV in cars. I want them to think I am rich with credit cards. Update two. And this is what update two says word for word. I have life locks so even if someone steals my identity, I'm confused.

Okay. That sentence still works. That sentence still functions as a sentence. But you want all your friends to think you're rich with credit cards and so you post pics of all these hot little plastic guys. And I mean, here's the thing. If I post, my Facebook group is pretty, my friend group is pretty tight at this point.

So I am almost, I almost kind of like the idea of posting one of my credit cards on Facebook and then seeing who my true friends are. Yeah, like a honey trout. Yeah. I will say to this question, ask her when your friends post pictures of their big screen TVs and their cars,

they're not saying think about all the things I could buy with these cars. They are saying I used my money to buy these cars. So if you show your credit card, that's nothing. That's nothing. Well, hold on though, because if you do have a picture of you with a lot of money that you're rubbing and touching and throwing. Justin had credit cards when he was like 15.

Yeah, I got a credit card to get a Red's baseball cap. Literally ruined. It ruined me. That story ends with me going to a debt consolidation mafia dude. Why are you getting it? Why do you still got the hat? Yeah, I still got the hat. Give me the hat.

Okay, give me the hat. The hat's mine now. Unless you get a credit card that has written on it, there's a lot of money on this signed Mr. American Express. Well, there's got to be still like that Jerry Seinfeld shit, right? There's still got to be that black AMX with like, you know, with a big gold chain around it that you have to keep

attached to your wrist at all times, like one of those big, big boys. One of those, I hear Jerry carries his around in a big block of ice and he swings it around on the chain like a mace and he smashes people who gets in the way of his big cars and coffee. Do you think that there's somebody who has that like super high level credit card but doesn't have a car to take a picture with or like a big screen TV to take a picture with? Uh, not Jerry, because I know he's got cars. He's got the cars and I bet his TV is at least medium large.

I bet he's got a, I mean, it's got to be 35, 36 inches. At least, what else is he going to watch old episodes of his TV show on? It's actually, he's got a pretty, like it's a 24 inch, but it's CRT because he can't have any latency when he's trying to get down on some street fighter. He's a big fucking counter-strike head and you can't just fucking, you can't give him a kind of delay. I think there's a cool way to do this. These pixels are so blurry. I think there's a cool way to do this.

I think, do you think Jerry Seinfeld still plays Smash Brothers Melee and he doesn't like anything that can, anyway, this is, this, I could go on. You could post your credit card, but cover the last number with your thumb. Perfect. And then it's like, yeah, you might get it, but do you want to go to the trouble of typing in 10 different numbers? No, of course not. No, no one's going to steal that.

Yeah, I think this is a cool thing to do and I think you should have fraud protection still because I think they've got to be ready for this. If banks are doing one thing for us, let it be this one thing. Don't let it be thinking that somebody has stolen my debit card every time I spend more than $8 online on the internet. That's not a good service. This is a good service. Protect my man.

I am pretty certain that the thing I'm about to say is 100% true. Didn't the person who is on the commercials for Lifelock and like said, this is my social security number driving around this car, he got like major league identity. Oh, he got completely shadrack. Okay, I thought that was true. Okay, cool, cool, cool. Just checking. Yeah, no, he got demolished his whole life.

His whole life is fucked. Like, I'm pretty sure like the police are there to stop people from breaking into my house, but I'm pretty sure if I went somewhere and said, hey, are you all criminals? Here are some keys to my house. Here's when I won't be there. And also like, here's my security system code. And then if they broke in, I don't think I could then call the police and like, yeah, I did that.

Oh, shit. I can't believe we're about to talk. Talk about it again, but that could be the plot of Home Alone 6, where the sticky bandits have long since died on one of their capers. And so Kevin's lonely and he needs somebody to do his traps on. And so he goes out and he does a commercial for local public access. Like, here's where my address is. I'll leave the door unlocked and I'll leave valuable scattered all throughout the house.

I can't see people are doing this on Craigslist, right? Like, please break into my house. Sure, people are Home Alone-ing, Home Alone RP. Uh, yeah, I was, uh. Hey, should we go to Money Zone? I'd love to head on over there. Because God knows I'll cut this out. But boy, how do you use some liquid assets right now?

We need that money. Just fraying up a little bit of cash would be so good for me right now. Because they didn't warn us, I'm gonna edit this out. Our business money people didn't tell us that we wouldn't be able to just get the cut money back whenever we needed it. I didn't know that we would have to be sort of alchemized into sales of the bean juice product. Our first sponsor this week is Stamps.com.

Oh, I love them. Yeah. I love them too. I love to go to the post office and everybody there is so nice and helpful. But sometimes I don't have the time for it. I'm a busy, uh, parent who's got, you know, I got Taekwondo class. I got gotta make muffins for the Glee Club or whatever, you know, other parent stuff. And I don't always have time.

But luckily Stamps.com is there. It lets me use my computer to print official US postage 24 seven for any letter, any package, any class of mail, anywhere you want to send it. And with Stamps.com, you get five cents off every first class stamp and up to 40% off priority mail, which, oh, listen, when you're shipping 50,000 hypothetical mugs, that really adds up. That adds up. That adds up fast.

It adds up right now. Our listeners can get a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a digital scale without any long term commitment. Now, let us save you one thing. A mug does weigh 10.4 ounces. So if you need to check that out, 10.4 ounces. If you have a scale and you're really looking for like an old balance scale, you could get a mug on one side, say a bean juice mug on one side.

Then anything that balances that, you'll know it's 10.4. I'm saying these mugs are good for just more than just drinking out of. Yeah, you could use them as counterweights. Yeah. So right now, go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the home page, and type in my brother. That's stamps.com, enter my brother. All one word, my brother.

So Squarespace is another service that has sponsored us this week, because they want everybody to know about how great their website making platform is. So if you need to make yourself up a website, just whip one up real fast, no sweat. Yeah, you can do that if it's a website that you want to use to show off your great work or promote your physical or online business, or announce an upcoming event or special project, or more. If there's more things that you want to do with a website, Squarespace does it for you. They got beautiful customizable templates created by world-class designers.

I'm talking about Megan Coolsites did one and- What? They got a Coolsites design? Stefan Hyperlinksman had made one. And so they also have powerful e-commerce functionality as well. And that's so good for certain people's business that they need help with. And everything's optimized for mobile right out of the box. So you can just do it, and then people will be able to get it on their phones.

So make it stand out, get a beautiful website from Squarespace. What I want you to do is check out squarespace.com slash my brother for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code my brother to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Wow, this is weird. It says here we have a Jumbotron, even though I thought we were done with it. But this is, let me see here. Oh, it's by Chrissy Teigen.

Oh, shit. Chrissy Teigen wants to talk about bean juice mugs, which apparently she loves them. She says it's the best her coffee's ever tasted. And she recommends everybody gets one and goes to beanjuicemugsforth and number four sale.com. Wow. Thank you, Chrissy. Wow, that's so, so, so, so kind. And here's a picture of Chrissy and drawn and they're sipping each other's.

I'll cut this out. That's not allowed. I don't think we can. I literally think it's a crime. I literally think what we're doing is a crime. Thanks so much to the over 28,000 members who joined or upgraded during the 2019 Max Fund Drive and to all of our monthly members. To celebrate hitting our goal this year, we're putting the 2019 Max Fund Drive pins on sale

for all $10 and up monthly members. As in past years, you'll be able to get some pins and support a great cause at the same time. The proceeds from this year's sale will support the National Court Appointed Special Advocates Association. National CASA does amazing work for children and youth through a national network of 950 member programs. We are proud to be able to support them. The pin sale will run from April 29th until May 10th.

And if you're a $10 and up monthly member, your personalized code is waiting in your inbox right now. For more details, you can head over to maximumfund.org slash pins. And once again, thank you. I would like to take this opportunity to announce a new segment on my brother, my brother and me. I know it's always very hotly anticipated. You guys ready?

Yes. We're off to see the lizard. What could it possibly mean? What? It's so long this intro. Now, holy shit. Now, this is a segment where we talk about Jimmy Buffett selling weed. And anytime Jimmy Buffett sells weed or weed related products, we're going to feature it

and off to see the lizard this new segment. Is the lizard him in this scenario? Listen, what am I? A music professor? Listen, I'm just a simple man who's reading a simple press release that is headlined titled, sorry, Jimmy Buffett and Surtara Wellness Launch Cannabis brand Coral Reefer. Oh, good. I like that.

That's good branding. Now, Coral Reefer, that's now that has been Jimmy Buffett's backing band since the 70s, the Coral Reefer band. It's hilarious, agreed. But this is an ancillary product, a complimentary product, a range of, they can say, wellness-focused cannabis products, and lifestyle merchandise that's launching. Well, I just launched this week, actually, oh, last week. This highly anticipated Coral Reefer brand will be exclusively distributed through more than

20 Surtara Wellness Centers located in most major cities throughout Florida. And Dark Web, I bet. And probably through the Dark Web, James said, it never dawned on me that Coral Reefer would be anything other than a cool name for a tropical band born out of the Key West lifestyle of the mid-70s. I can smell salt water. Like, as you're saying that, I smell salt water. Yes.

But life is supposed to be about having fun and staying healthy enough to enjoy it. And I think Coral Reefer will help a lot of folks do that. Fuck yeah. Thank you, Jimmy. I think you're probably right. Probably my favorite is the uniquely designed vape pin called the Tide Rider that embodies the spirit of the brand with a sleek surfboard design, variable temperature controls, and advanced ceramic coil technology for a clean and consistent vaping experience.

That's right, folks. Jimmy Buffett is now providing you a clean and consistent vaping experience. And they got distinctive tropical design in Key West-inspired colors. So we have four different formulations available. They take your this shit up. And did he Heisenberg this shit himself, these juices? Yeah, I gotta, I assume some testing. Judging from the interactions that I've had with Mr. Buffett, I think some testing was

involved with the product. The press release goes on. Jimmy says, actually, I'm going to try one right now. And then the next paragraph is just like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. There are four different CBD to THC ratios that range from mild to high intensity, or as they haven't labeled here low tide, mid tide, high tide, and tsunami. Ooh, all right. There's C's, S-E-A-S, the day, which is a CBD dominant blend that offers a gentle calming

effect to help you breathe in, breathe out, and move on in the tension of your day. No, thanks. I'll stick with a fast food hamburger for that one. Cabana Day Dreaming is a fresh evening breeze that delivers a balanced blend of CBD and THC for full body relaxation. Yes, please. I owe a fresh evening breeze. It's a fresh evening breeze.

Stories we could tell is a relaxing THC-rich blend to help you manage pain without drowsiness. That's me. So you can be present with friends and family. That means right there. I will always, so I want to treasure my time with you boys so much more. And my friend, Jami, has got me going. And then last formulation we have here is surfing in a hurricane. I've been assuming this one just fucks you up, right?

Just kind of demolishes you. Leaves scorched earth behind. It actually says, partner, this one here is going to fuck your whole project. It just says, enjoy your Friday. See you Monday. Mr. Margaritaville takes a ball peen hammer to what you call a life and leaves only rubble in his way, puts you back together piece by piece in his own image. When asked about this last product, Mr. Buffett said, this shit right here, 15 times in a row.

Oh, man, oh, man, I assume that if there are formulations on here that share a name with the Margaritaville menu items that were also named after Jimmy Buffett songs, those are some good parents. Absolutely, absolutely good. Like a fine wine and a rich steak. How about a yahoo? Yeah, absolutely. Um, here's one from Freddie.

Thanks, Freddie. It's from Yahoo Answers user AJ14872001 who asks. Cyborg. Do the contestants actually die on Ellen's game of games in the final round? Probably. I don't think that this person is wondering this. I don't, I don't believe that this person is still thinking about this. At the end of the final round, if you do bad at her malevolent games,

then the hole opens up behind under you and you fall through it and no, and they don't show you again as far as I know. And I think they did this. What was the other one? The weakest link? Then they do that on weakest link. They also did it. I don't know if this is a deep cut, but I believe it was remote control on MTV or VH1

where everybody sat in arm chairs. And then if you got knocked out, they played hit the road jack, I believe, and pulled your chair backward through a wall, which then closed around you. And I remember watching that as a child and I was like, that person's dead. Maybe also in Legends of the Hidden Temple, when a temple guard grabs you, you might also have been dead then. I'm still not sure. If you have a life pendant, you're okay for the first one.

But then the second one, yeah. Now you are the next temple guard for the next run. I think we all. I always felt in Legends of the Hidden Temple, if you only had half a pendant when you got to that final round, you should be able to give that to them and they don't take you. But they do like, I don't know, maybe like take your helmet and your elbow pads. But I always said, if you have only half a pendant when you get to the final round,

you should be able to try and use it like a weapon to cut or stab the temple guards. You should be able to attack the temple guards. There had to be some bloops of that, right? There had to be some temple guard injury bloops. Half to me. Half to me. Because if I was running through like the spider's web or like the shrine of the silver monkey, and like a temple guard came out to grab me, I would be just throwing bows left and right.

A temple guard would lose an eye. Oh yeah, I'd drop him. Yeah, I'd drop him right in Olmec's mouth and get him crunched up. I'd beat the shit out of him. I also think you should be able to try and trick Ellen to standing over the trap door, and then you drop her in. That's the only way to defeat her. You're the host.

Oh, Ellen, there's a, can I do a funny sketch? Ellen, I know you love those, and I'll talk a little bit about Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard while I do so. Yeah, sure. What do you want me? Right here, Ellen. And then you steal her staff and you press the secret button embedded in the skull. That's kind of playing off how the last Saw movie ended with someone tricking Jigsaw into walking over a hole that they'd covered with leaves and branches.

Yeah. Which I always thought was just the funniest ending to that franchise ever, where they're like, over here, over here, over here, crash. Oh no, I've been wasted by my own for time. The only way out of this one is, I didn't think about it at that time, but I couldn't need to eat your old butt cheeks. If you eat them all up good and say how yummy they are, you love treasured your life. And leave a yelp review about your butt cheeks.

Do you think Jigsaw was watching the puzzle escape room craze and just like, um, hello? Hello? Can I get a cut or a taste or something? So do the contestants actually get liquefied on Ellen's Game of Games in the final round? Is the question. And I think we can all agree, probably not. But I think it would probably be good practice for these shows where adults and children drop through holes and are never seen from again, if immediately the camera cuts to them coming out the bottom of the slide and stays with them

until they leave the building and get in their car to go drive home. I just didn't, just for my, just so I know that they're all right. Yes. I bet that when you slide through like one of those holes and you land at the bottom, there's a producer there who's like, listen, you're not done, but you could have been. Why did you come on this game? You didn't know what you're going to do. The life is unpredictable. Why would you say yes to this? Let this be a lesson to you.

Rob Lowe's shooting one. Were you just about to talk about the Rob Lowe show? No, I wasn't. I was about to talk about the show who done it. So you go ahead. Oh, yeah. Well, in the Rob Lowe show, it's called Dizzy Trivia. No, mental samurai. That's even better. And then you're in this orb and try and answer questions, but they're spinning you around very fast.

But then if you miss too many questions, they spin it around. Let's say extremely fast. And let's say the ball gets a little bit smaller as it goes. So you do the math on what happens to the human body inside of it. I wish I was there when Rob Lowe created this series and pitched it to the network with his own beautiful creation. Here's the thing. Grinder didn't work out too good, but I'd love to turn humans into candle wax using a globe.

I think it did well enough that I can still liquefy people with my incredible globe that I've been building in my garage. We can make the questions wicked easy, and therefore it can be a kind of population control thing. I'm Rob Lowe and Dr. Vegas didn't do great, but I think it did well enough that I could create these murder spheres for your network. If they wouldn't let me do a show called The Grinder,

then I'll create a Grinder for souls. There was a show called Who'd Done It that tragically only aired for nine episodes in the Halcyon Summer of 2013. And on this show is a murder mystery show, and one of the contestants would get killed at the end of every episode. And in the credits,

they always had the person who got killed appear in a post-show interview while still in their murdered makeup. And you could tell that that was done, so some tiny fraction of the audience wouldn't be like, uh, hello? A person was dying. Excuse me? 9-1-1, what's your emergency? Okay, so this is wild.

After The Grinder on Fox, there's this show where I saw a person straight up get fucking whacked, and then they're not even making a big deal out of it. Nobody's talking about it. They didn't even show them the credits to let me know they're okay. Could you go check on them, please? Hello, I was just watching a television show called Game of Thrones,

and a lot of people appeared to be murdered. Somebody needs to get over there and check it out. It's in Westeros. There was a bad wedding, and I need to, like, FBI or somebody could check this out. Somebody needs to follow up on this. Let's, who's ready for another question? Our, uh, next question is,

I work at a VA that is fairly busy. Uh, the other day, I was leaving to get some lunch and walk down the main stairway. I said hello to some people as I got to the bottom, turned around and proceeded to check my pants for my wallet. I've grown accustomed to smacking my phone, wallet, and keys when I leave places.

However, I'm fairly certain I just walked down some stairs and drew attention to myself by saying hello, then turned around and smacked my right butt cheek in a lobby full of people. How do I face these coworkers, or am I just done? Do I pack up and leave? That's from mortified butt smack.

You know how I would love to weigh in on this is, uh, you know, Griffin Newman, he plays Arthur on The Tick. Oh, sure. He was on, let me see if I can hold on. How could we get Griffin Newman on our show so last night? He's been on the call. Oh, what?

The entire time. Griffin, are you still... Yeah, yeah, hey, what's going on, guys? Thank you for letting me, uh, listen into the live recording. Matt, Griffin, other Griffin. Newman. Yeah, Griffin II, we can do Griffin II. Or Newman, yeah, we can go by Newman.

Well, no, let's say, I would like actually for me to, for the, like, remainder of this whole bit, this sketch, if I could just be called Shades, if you guys could give me that. Shades? You can have Griffin for a little bit. Okay. And I just want to say I now feel less cool

because other Griffin has upgraded to Shades, so I'd prefer if you call me Downtown Griffey Nooms. You got it. Okay. I just don't want there to be sort of like a disproportionate coolness factor between the two Gryffs. John, to clarify, can we just say downtown then? Just call you Downtown, or do we have to say

Downtown Griffey Noom every time? Nooms with a Z. It's very important if you say the full thing that it ends with a Z. Nooms, sorry, excuse me. Otherwise, you can definitely call me Downtown or you can call me DTGN. Okay. Well, okay, hold on, now hold on.

Because if Griffin, you've got to do that, I feel like I should have a chance to respond if we're doing like property format. Oh, rebuttal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, and Shades sounds a little short now. You might want to stretch out your neck. Yeah, I need you to step it up to mine up to,

if you could just call me Morpheus from The Matrix. Cool. Or Matrix Morpheus, if you want to keep it short. I mean, MFTM is pretty clean. Yeah. Okay. All right, so we got Shades. We've got Morpheus from The Matrix.

No, Shades is out. I'm Shades now. I'm don't being Justin. And my name is Griffin Newman. Okay, so Downtown has paid the, let's just say, let's just say five digits to take the master class that we offer for podcasting, where you can just kind of sit in and watch

the sausage be made. He's been here for the entire five-hour recording of this hour-long episode. I unlocked a tier, yeah. Right, so you heard the question, because you've been listening, you know, obviously to the entire thing. Of course, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is this a, are you a butt smack kind of person? Is this, is this- What does that mean, Justin? Yeah, it got unpacked. Are you someone who smacks their butt to look for items? Well, okay. Oh, man, that's a good question. I-

Thank you, thank you. It felt bad, as I was saying it, so it's such a relief to know it was good. It felt good getting it. Hearing it felt unbelievable. On the opposite side of the coin, I don't like having things in my back pockets because that feels bad to me,

because when I sit on it, it hurts my butt cheeks. So I am almost exclusively a front pocket guy and a items in the little pocket of my backpack guy. So like- So my wallet, too big for the front pocket, constantly have it in the little backpack pocket. Cool, so you've just made yourself incredibly easy to steal from for everybody.

A hundred percent. Everyone knows, I'll run down again. Keys, little backpack pocket. Chapstick, left front pocket. If you kill Griffin in Crime Alley, you don't want to waste a bunch of time searching everything. So make sure you just go straight for the good stuff. Are people getting pickpocketed for their chapstick all that often?

This is- Is there like a way- That's why I feel safe putting in that pocket. That's why, because I just go like, I hope, you know, that's all they reach for, and then they're so dismayed that they put it back, you know? Other items just to educate your listeners. Non-Drivers New York State ID is in my wallet,

which as mentioned previously is in the backpack pocket. Also my backpack pocket, my passport. I carry around with me at all times, because I'm an erotic mess. So yeah, so if someone's trying to pick pocket me, or backpack pocket me, backpack pick pocket me, it is very easy to steal my entire identity. Do you carry your passport with you just in case of emergencies,

in case you like accidentally fly to Tokyo, Narita, or like what's- Yes, no, no, exactly. I'm impressed that you nailed the specific emergency that I always have in the back of my mind. We're big proponents on this show, Griffin, of the idea that other people are not ever paying as close attention to you as you are to yourself. A hundred percent.

Do you feel like there is anyone still thinking about this just a very prominent butt smack? Yes, yes, now here's- I agree. Now I want to respond to this question with a question of my own, and I pose it to you fine gentlemen. Is there anything wrong with mortified butt smacks, co-workers thinking that they deliberately smacked their right butt cheek?

That they were just kind of feeling they're sexy? Or it's like a sports motivation for yourself. It's been a long day at the VA. I imagine that job can get kind of exhausting, depending on what your role is there. And so it's obviously not appropriate. It's not a football team. And even then, it's probably not even super appropriate

for you to go butt smack that lets you know like, okay, next play, we're going to do a Hail Mary and catch it. I think it's an exact combination of those two things. Yes. Maybe, I think it would depend on the kind of flair with which you did it. Because there's definitely a sort of flair that would make it seem inappropriate.

But I think you could do a flair that was just like, what a fun affectation. Yeah, and I think the idea of like, this person really, their heads in the game, they're holding themselves to high standards. Maybe it's after lunch, other people are getting groggy, and you just look at them and you go like, wow, this person is making sure that their head is still in the game

by smacking their hand on their butt. We rarely talk about geometry on my brother and my brother and me, but this does seem to be a case where the response and your sort of following actions are completely dependent on the exact angle that your arm was at when this situation occurred. Now, if you could visualize with me, if your arm is at kind of a crook

and you just kind of reach down there and gave yourself a quick smack of Rooney, this is probably not something you need to continue to address. If we had a 180, sort of a straight line windmill action. Yeah, and we sort of like... But like around, you had like follow through, you had a wind up. Sort of like a Fosse style, you know, flourish,

the leading to the butt smack. That seems critical. If you're leaning to the side a little bit, like you're a little teapot, right? And maybe if you did like an ah afterwards, that's probably bad. I think that would be a game changer if there's any sort of ah at the end of it.

I think another question is, it says here, I just want to litigate the writing here. Said hello, turned around, and smacked my right butt cheek in a lobby. It's huge. That's huge. You have found the sort of encyclopedia brown hidden clue here that this person did spin around

to give him a great view. It makes it seem targeted, doesn't it? It seems so targeted. I wanted to make sure you had the best seat in the house. I want to make sure you got the clean bird's eye view of this thing. But here's the one question. If it's a clean turnaround, and the butt smack happens,

and then they proceed to walk away, that feels to me like a power move, like a confidence move. I know this person's a real player. They showed up to win, you know? Like confidence is the only currency we still have in this bankrupt world. I would feel encouraged about their commitment to the job.

Now, here's the potential fly in the ointment. If in the embarrassment of doing that, at any point before, after, or during, the immediate vicinity of the butt smack, they did a little sort of whomee head turn over the shoulder. And made eye contact. If you did sort of what I would call the copper tone kid, right?

But towards the audience, but also your locked eyes in this sort of embarrassed look, then I think you've blown it. Quit the job, retire, move out of the country. Now you're a little rascal. You went from being a confident player to a little rascal. You've become a little stinker. Yeah, most of it.

That feels completely authoritative. I'm glad we could help so much. Real quick, I want to get a hand on the ball and just say, when I do this, I like to do the Testicle Spectacles Wallet and watch a bit from Austin Powers. We love that. We fucking love it.

And they've been so long, they forgot, and they think it's my thing, and people love it. Griffin, you've got a TV show. The second season is out right now. I have to. Can you talk to people about it? It's not a TV show. It is a web series.

It's a long form web series. It's on Amazon. No, everything's a TV show now. Please don't take it from us, because we did. We call ours a TV show, and that streaming service doesn't even exist anymore. We need this legitimacy.

Please, please, downtown grippy nooms. Fine. I am on a prestige television series produced by the Amazon company of the Americas. It's called The Tick. This show is based off of Funny Books, which is a comic book in the 80s. That's a satire of superheroes created by Ben Edlund.

And it was revived into a, or revived. It wasn't revived. It was vived for the first time into a cartoon show in the 90s, and then a sitcom in 2001. And then now a more serialized, higher budget, very difficult to produce Amazon series. I adore this show.

I think that it really, more than, I think satire almost doesn't feel right to me. It feels like a real genuine examination of where superheroes would fit in our world, and what we still need them for, and what that means in a way that's like, I think a lot more thought provoking than I expected from The Tick. Yeah, I think that's what we're trying to do.

The previous versions of the show have been great, but they have been more straightforward parody. And I think now that we're in such a superhero excess culture, Ben has been trying to make a show that's really examining why we're so obsessed with superheroes. And people can see this now. Is that right? Is currently on Amazon?

Yes, no staggered release. All 10 episodes, season two on Amazon Prime. All 12 episodes of season one on Amazon Prime. People say, oh, I have Amazon, but I don't have the video thing. I think you're wrong. If you got Prime, if you got that free shipping, you got the video.

And I also believe there are a lot of free, sort of one month trial offers that are going on right now, where you can sign up, watch our 22 episodes, and then bail if you want. Don't tell Daddy Bezos that I said that, but I'm telling you that you can. It is your right. Folks, listen, don't hesitate.

If our experience has taught us anything, it's that streaming services can collapse overnight. You never know. The tomorrow is not promised to you. So spend a day watching all of The Tick. And I'll say this. I think Amazon's having money problems because they keep on telling me

they don't have the budget to do certain things. So I'm a little worried about how liquid they are. Every time I pitch them something, they go, I don't know if we have it in the budget. So I think they might be a little tight on cash. Now you have another podcast as well, right? Yeah, I count this as my first podcast, of course. I tell people that this is one of my podcasts

because I do listen into every episode live. But then I have a podcast called Blank Check with Griffin and David. You saw that as sort of an invitation to plug your other podcast. Okay. I felt like that was a door being opened. Yeah.

Did I greatly mislead that situation? I could see where the disconnect happened. Yeah, right, right. That was not your intent. You wanted to just sort of declare war against my podcast. Was that what that was? Were you trying to big dog me?

Just to dismantle your brand. You're trying to big dog. Okay. Okay. Fantastic. Well, Griffin, thank you so much. Oh, sorry. Downtown.

Thank you so much for joining us. We really appreciate you. Please, such a pleasure. And I mean, I won't speak to you guys soon, but I will listen to you guys soon the next time you record. And I just silently sit here and absorb. Speaking of absorb, let me go ahead and just absorb you back into my body.

So come real close. All right. Holy. Let's go. Good for you. Thank you so much to downtown for his contribution. Please go watch The Tick. I adore this show.

And I think that you really will, too. If you like our show and have excellent tastes, as that would demonstrate. That's not a paid promotion, by the way. I know there's some people out there. We just, we like Griffin and the show. We just like Griffin and the show. We just enjoy it.

So check that totally out. We're coming to Cincinnati and Cleveland soon. We'll be Cleveland May 15th and Cincinnati May 16th. If you haven't gotten your tickets yet, as well as all of our other tour dates, you can find the other tour dates and get tickets at McRoy.family and click on Tours. We have tours there listed through November.

So those are already starting to sell out. I would say at this point, like one quarter to a third of the dates are already sold out. So don't wait. Go get those now. McRoy.family. We also have merch and there will be new merch on May 1st at McRoyMerch.com.

And man, if you, oh boy, you really can't go wrong with a bean juice mug. Good for any occasions. Birthdays, holidays, bar mitzvahs, bar mitzvahs. Now it's a cool necklace. There's so much, I can think of 10 ways to accessorize with bean juice. Maybe with like a really cool like chilled cat.

It could be like a hat for him. Sure, sure. I want to thank John Roderick and who's a big bean juice fan. He told me yesterday in the long winters for the use of our theme song. It's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. You can find a link to that.

I mean, that's not what I say on this show, but you can find a link to that pretty much anywhere. And it's a good song, great tune, great oldies. 104.6. My brother and my brother and me. Do you guys want the final yahoo? Yes, please. This final yahoo is sent in by Michelle who asks,

How bad is cheesecake factory for my body? My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother and my mother and me game. This has been my brother and my brother and me. Kiss your dad's square on the lips. Maximumfun.org.

Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Listen, we already know that you love genre movies, film craft, and female filmmakers. So, if you love all those things, then by transitive property, you love my podcast, Switchblade Sisters.

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