My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 480: Everlasting Stringburger

Episode Date: October 8, 2019

There’s only one surprisingly proportioned beef sandwich capable of stitching up the wide wounds carved across human civilization; and we’re the ones to invent it. (Not cook it, mind you. Good lord, we cannot fathom how to go about cooking Longburger. God, the logistics are dizzying.) Suggested talking points: Mars 2113, Moon Germany, Oops All Croutons!, Great Sturg’ Spots, Haunted House Acting, Morgue Benefits, The Longburger

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello, welcome, my brother, my brother, me and the advice show for the modern era. I'm your eldest brother, Justin McElroy. I am your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. You know it's Griffin. Guys, I'm so excited. Here in just a day or two, I'm going to be taking my very first trip to New York City, and I know that we're going there later for two or in like

two weeks. So is there anything you guys want me to like scope out for you? I'm so glad you asked, Travis. Which by the way, before we restarted recording, when you said, guys, I've got the intro, I was inclined to disbelieve you, I was disinclined to believe, but this is a fun one, Travis, good job. Thanks. So you got a hit by Fat Baby Pizza. Oh, really? Get yourself a big tall slice from Fat Baby Pizza. They have a tall pizza? Well, it's big Fat Baby Pizza, and they do a special one that I invented called Mark Zuckerberg's Zucchini Surprise. Okay. And got to try that best pizza in the city. Okay. Justin, do you have any suggestions or things that you want me to check on for you before you get there? All right. It was muted. My Skype got

muted for a second while I opened a fresh, fresh Diet Coke. All right. Like I had a perfect joke, and it was so spontaneous, and the timing was just right. And it's all gone. Making cowboy pizza. Making cowboy pizza. Oh, God, that was shit. That would have been wow. That wasn't the one. I can't remember the last one, because it was like so fucking choice, but I felt like something else came from, I came from another world. I don't know. I am very excited. Now, as you mentioned that to see Times Square. Oh, yeah. I can't. I love big lights, the bright lights, the big city. Love big billboards. You guys know this about me. I love anything that advertises anything. And I'm excited to see Elmo. He's still there. Why did

they put bleachers the hell in Times Square? I've never. I'd all go by, watch all the entertainment, watch all the fun. All the elbows. Don't waste your time at Times Square, Travis. No. Don't waste your time at Times Square. Go down the block. Time to upgrade to the next dimension. Welcome to the next dimension in entertainment. Time Cube. Have you been to Time Cube Griffin? Oh, hell yeah. Time Cube. Yeah, you have to say it like that, Travis. It's a it's a sentient cube in the middle of the city brought to you by M&M's and you can go into it, experience the fullness of time. You come out of it before you go into it. So be careful about that. There's a specific door they want you to go in. Is there a gift shop where I can buy M&M's? Yes. At that gift shop,

you could buy special M&M's from any year. And also, if you pay them $38, you can meet your great, great grandparents. Wow. So that yeah, Time Cube, it's a pretty wide offer and you know, Dasani. Yeah. They got Dasani there. Do they have any like sweatshirts that reference like either the police department or like the fire department? Get those, man. People love those there. They love them. Trav. Yeah? You gotta get to Mars 2113, bud. Oh, yeah? Now, is that the theme restaurant that it's like you're eating Mars food? That's the sequel to Mars 2112. Oh. And in this one, you go in this space, you go in the wacky space ship. Another thing nobody has any idea what it is. It was a real restaurant. You go inside, it's a spaceship and aliens serve you their food

and now Disney's like, Matt Damon's there. Matt Damon is in there and he's got shit potatoes. You can eat his dookie potatoes if you want to. But baby, Mars 2112, what am I? My own grandfather? No, I haven't gone to the Time Cube yet. No, I'm a mature millennial adult. I want to eat one year later Mars 2113 food. What are they on now? It's more mature. They've made a ratatouille of Matt Damon's shit potatoes. Oh. It's so exciting. That's pretty good. Do you guys know a fun fact that I heard on blank check that the Mars 2112 closed in 2012? Like they just were wrong by 100 years. They were just one number off. They were so close. They were one number off and one planet off. This is why people are so fucking stupid. I went to Mars 2112, had the margarita pizza,

kicked ass. The fact that there was a restaurant. Trust me, the Mars. The Mars. Thank you. The fact that there was a restaurant you could go to that was Mars and we didn't frequent enough so much so that it had to close is why we're all fucking done for. Like what truer sign could there be that we are at shit out of luck? Come on. We've already destroyed one planet, Mars 2112. And now we're on our last hope. That was our last hope. Come on. Gotta get to Jekyll and Hyde and Captain Jack Sparrow. Jekyll and Hyde's still operational? God, I hope so. Well, they tossed Captain Jack Sparrow in there when those films and actor was good. Is that true? No, Justin, fuck, it's a comedy. Justin, the fact that you're referencing the real Jekyll and Hyde club and then putting a

metal layer on it and expecting me to differentiate to fucking separate the truth wheat from the chaff here is insane to meet Griffin. Y'all got to look at some of these costumes from Mars 2112. Holy fucking shit. It's not even like real prosthetics. I'm looking at alien here and his head is made of felt. Yo, Mars 2112, your costumes suck shit. They're so bad. These are bad aliens. If this alien came by my table, I would say your name is Eric and you are in a styrofoam costume. This is some low budget first season of Doctor Who. I also have seen one here. Might be the same one where not only is it a felt head, you can so very clearly see the person inside of it and it looks like they're trapped inside an alien body and screaming to get out. Yeah, it's bad.

I want to talk about Mars 2112 for a second. If you do a Google image shirt, I'm just not giving up on this topic yet. If you do Google image shirts for Mars 2112 costume, you will see a picture of former president Bill Clinton standing with one of the aliens for Mars 2112. Now, this is interesting to me. Why? Because Bill Clinton was standing next to nobody in a green suit. And this person in a green suit got their picture made with Bill Clinton, but they were wearing this fucking dumbass alien costume. And what I'm saying is that nobody had a picture taken with anyone. No one has come out a winner on top of this. No one wins. This fella inside this costume is pointing at former president Bill Clinton's hog. Are you seeing this? What is this sign?

No, I thought he was about to poke it in the belly button. It kind of looks like he's pointing at his hog. Anyway, that's our Mars 2112 jokes. I bet I could come up with more. These costumes are absolutely buck wild. Do you think, okay, do you, you know how there's, you know, there's people that dress up in cosplay to go to like, they do a little Disney bounding. You know about Disney bounding, right? It's light cosplay. It's casual cosplay. It's casual cosplay, Disney bounding. You're at the fucking galaxy's edge. Like one of the references, one of the residents of the Star Wars, or you're going to the Pandora world dressed up like, do you think there was people that dressed up like aliens to go to Mars 2112? Hell yeah, I might do. Just a like further enhanced experience.

You know there are. I wouldn't be surprised if those people got some kind of discount for doing that. Mars 2112 would just be so jazzed that someone was buying in. Just we brighten up the place a little bit. Can I just say one more thing? Oh my god, I'm so, listeners, hey, this is Griffin Sidebar. I'm so sorry for opening up this Pandora's box. I want to say one more thing. You could have just let me say it already. Mars 2112 currently has two stars on Yelp. It's close now. Can we please just all pitch in and raise? It's dead. Can we not bury it? Like, isn't it better if people who missed it think that it was cool? Like, isn't that better if you have something to brag about? Right now you have a two star dining experience. Let's all pitch in, get Mars 2112 a great Yelp

score to send it out on. I think it would be really meaningful to the owners. At least let them feel like they did something, you know? Yeah. So I have an advice question here. I just want to say one last thing about Mars 2112. Thank you. Go, go, go. A lot of these reviews. Here's a review from a one star review from 2017, five years after the restaurant closed. What is your fucking life that you're like, they're like, I think you get in a spaceship, and I think you watch like, I don't remember, but anyway, I had yucky pizza. Shut the fuck up Luke L from Ocean City, New Jersey. You don't know anything. Hey, hey, hey, hey guys. Good news. Breaking news. So just throw the menu for Mars 2112. It starts off with a bang.

Martian soup of the day. Hey guys, could we fucking maybe these people went up to the plate and threw their bag, their bat at the lemonade stand. Like they didn't even take a shot at it. Martian soup of the day. Sidonia spring rolls. Fine. Nebula chili nachos. All right, we're having fun. This is becoming a much squad. The subspe- Yeah, welcome. The subspace sampler. Here's a good one. The parsec steak sandwich. Okay. All right. Galileo's Garden Burger. What? There's a formula to the name. There's a naming convention here that seems exceedingly lazy.

I like the, there's a section here called boosters. And then literally there's one dash, and then it says side dishes. Way to commit. Just say there's side dishes. When you get to the healthy choice menu, they do away with all of the fun names, and it's just like eggplant lasagna. Done. Anyway. Okay. Now we're really done. I do just want to say Luke, Luke L did say in his review, the first time we went here, my parents faked their enthusiasm. The second time my mom was really mad and my dad just had this miserable look on his face the whole time. Hey, Luke. Hey, Luke, buddy. That's not the fucking restaurant. Like if your parents were going through a rough patch, I do not think that you can judge

the five years closed, Mars 2112. They also chose to go there a second time, Luke. And that's it. And that's all the talk. Okay. Real quick, before we start with the questions, could you guys do me a favor? What? Yeah. Read with me, Peace Boys. Oh, fuck off. This is a really good one that was sent in by Katie, and Katie sent it to be used for Pittsburgh, and I did not see it in time. So I'm going to use it now because it's very good. Thank you. What is it? Tell it. Say it. A rogue pilot was about to bomb Germany. Then the command was given the hatch was opened and the bomb was released. Why didn't it ever hit the ground? Cause he dropped. One more time, please. Wait, one more time, please.

A rogue pilot was about to bomb Germany. The command was given the hatch was opened and the bomb was released. Why didn't it ever hit the ground? It landed in water? Justin, do you have a guess? That was going to be mine that it landed in water. Dumb shit. All right. The plane was flying upside down. That's pretty, that's pretty fucking rogue, huh? Yeah. Hey, rogue pilot, I'm ordering you to drop the bomb. Okay. I don't know what to say. Am I just supposed to bowl it gently off the side of my plane or what's I forget. What's the play here? Are you upside down again, Derek?

I'm blacking out for normal reasons. One sec. Did you mean earth Germany or moon Germany? What do you mean moon Germany? What's moon Germany? Don't worry about it. Bombs away. Derek. That was a good one, Trav. Thank you, Katie. All right, Justin, read this first question. Excited to hear your take. Would it be weird if I put croutons in a chip bowl for company to snack on during events such as football parties and holidays? They do not seem that different from Cheetos. And every time I make a salad, I find myself crunching on them by themselves. Am I alone in my desire for them to be treated as a standalone snack?

Or is everybody thinking the same thing, but they're too afraid to start the trend? That's from sneaky salad snack or Stephen in Silverdale. Cool. Cool, boy. There's a, there's a difference here between perception and reality, Stephen. Reality? Yes. It's a crunchy flavored bready snack. It could be any, a Cheeto or anything along those lines. But also if I went to a party and there was just a bowl of croutons, I would be immensely confused. I wouldn't even, I don't, here's the thing. Here's why, how you can get around it. I don't think I would clock them as croutons. If I, if there's no salad in sight and I see these little hard bread cubes,

I'm going to ask someone, Hey, what are these? Did somebody make, what are these? Did somebody make these? And you could just say, Oh, those are nibblums. And you're like, Oh, what are nibblums? And say it's from my family back in Switzerland. And then you can, people eat them. Don't worry about it. And then they say, wow, these taste and feel and are shaped a lot like croutons. Don't fucking waste your time with croutons that you buy at the store. Here is how we, we're going to fucking mix, mix up your, melt some fucking butter. You're going to put it over stale bread, some seasoning, salt, garlic, salt, whatever, and then bake it up in the oven. And you're going to have a treat that your guests, it won't even matter. Nomenclature will be behind

you. It is butter toasted bread with seasoning on it. It will be the absolute hit of the entire affair. Also what you could do if you love the crouton flavor, but you're worried about the sort of a whole concept of the thing, make them slightly bigger, you know, like two croutons size, and then have a nice dip, maybe a nice dip, not a creamy dip, something palatable. Breadfingers. It's a nice little dip. Well, you don't have to shit on creamy dip just because you don't like creamy dip, Justin. But why did nobody's bringing up creamy dip here? You just said not a creamy dip. Not now shit. Now here's the thing. You shouldn't do this. You could. But we have to keep croutons. Everybody only wants to eat

croutons. Yes. This is no 12 year old Justin only wants to eat croutons. Everybody only wants to eat croutons, but we have to keep croutons in the salad to have a reason to eat the salad. There is no reason we have to contain the power of the croutons. That's right. If we just ate those, then the next time you get a salad, you'd be like, well, this is not as good as the one salad I had that had no lettuce or carrots and was all fucking croutons, and I loved it. That baked bread salad that I enjoyed so much at that pigeon restaurant. Right. I do have to say one thing about this question. My little twisted skewed take on it. Okay. Here he goes. Everybody step back. Got the bad boy of podcasting.

The sentence here of they do not seem that different from Cheetos. I want to get in there. I want to make myself comfortable in that little phrase. They thought you were going to walk past that door and you're suggesting that we should turn back and maybe open it. Excuse me. What was that one more time? They do not seem, you have put a question ask or you have placed a Cheeto and you have placed a crouton in the same table and you look at them back and forth and you're like, I can't. That's the same thing. They do not seem that different. Sure. Once Cheezo blasted and one is a snack that you put on salads that we all want to be eating all the time, but they're basically the same.

And my response to that is go put some Cheetos on a salad. Oh, but what if you did? You shouldn't. Why not? That's the flaw. You're afraid of change, Griffin. Open up your mind. I don't think I should open up your mind. I'm now kind of, can I tell you, want to try it. And I feel like we're kind of reverse engineering a munch squad right now, where we're going to like hear from some like dirty boy like a Carl's Jr. And they're going to have done it. They're going to have a Cheeto's Cheesy Blasted Salad. You can put, oh, I've put Cheetos on salad. Is that what you guys are talking about? I've been doing this. I've fucking fucked this up already. I've been to sheets that sheets will put, legally

sheets will put anything on a salad. They don't care. They don't care. Well, somebody needs to care. Okay. Somebody around here needs to care. It's 2019 and somebody needs to care. Somebody does need to care. I got a Yahoo here. This one was sent in by Emma Kant or Kant. I learned it at one point and I have forgotten it. I apologize, Emma. It's asked by Yahoo Answers User Summer, who asks, I'm taking the boat out with friends, but don't know how to dock. My dad is letting me take the boat out by myself for the first time. I'm 16 girl. I am 16 girl. I'm a 16 girl. But every time I try to dock the boat or pull it out, I mess up. I'm so scared because none of my friends had ever helped grab the dock or stuff like that. So what do I do? It's challenging.

Challenging lack of punctuation there, but we made our way through it and now we're on the other side. I want to talk about this cool, relaxed dad who's just like, hey, honey, are you good with the boat? I've never seen you dock it, but that's cool. Have fun with your friends. Honey, do you know how to drive the boat? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can drive it. I know how to turn the wheel. I know how to manipulate the hand crank that makes the speed chooser and I can turn the wheel. Yeah, and that's stuff I got. Do you mind if I just... Is it okay though if I just sort of leave it in the middle of the river and me and my friends jump out and swim back to shore and then somebody else can get the boat later? Is that okay? If docking the boat is really just

not sailing the boat anymore, that should be easy because I spent the entirety of my life not driving the boat. So returning to that state shouldn't be a challenge. Shouldn't be too tough. It sounds like how I play Assassin's Creed Black Flag where I just need to get or see of thieves really where she's like, I need to get the boat close enough to ground that I can get off of it and make it to show her in a timely fashion. That's basically all I'm worried about. Here's my point. If you leave your boat in the middle of the lake, it's safe. What is somebody going to do? A boat out of parvo is safe and that's where a boat belongs. It's safe. What is somebody going to do? Swim up to your car and jack it. Get somebody else to drive them to your boat.

People have done that to me on Sea of Thieves Griffin. I'm just saying. Travis, it's a video game. I want to talk about real life for once. You need to get your head out of the capital C cloud and here into the real world. Okay Griffin, do you know who's going to take it? Lakebirds. Lakebirds. Travis be real. Like a heron, a tall bird, a bird with some reach. Now damn it. If you do, okay now hold on. If you do leave some some pop chips or something, on the dashboard, there's a pretty good chance that a heron's going to climb up there and accidentally get it going. Yes. But then it's either going to go in a straight line or in circles. Or the heron's going to dock it for you. The heron could dock it. Let me take care of this for

you. I got it. Perfect. Perfect. Those are boat sounds. Thank you, Travis. There's an answer provided here by Mr. Wright. Okay. Don't appreciate the name because he seems so, so wrong, but he says, if you don't know how to dock a boat, then don't even bother calling yourself the captain. Wow. She didn't, but if something goes wrong in the boat sinks, you have to be the last person on it. Yeah, this is like a little one, like a little bit like a cigarette boat. I don't think you can't just say, oh, please let me off. I'll never get the chance to post this on Facebook. If there's passengers still on the board, so are you. Your Facebook and Nails can wait until all the passengers are saved. Only then can you save yourself. Wow. This is getting like

weirdly so specific. Like, are you listening, Deborah? You can't, you can't just paint your nails according to a captain. So that's a little too intense. I don't like that advice. I would also argue, I've watched a lot of pirate movies. The captain's not docking the boat. The captain's got a person at the wheel. They've got people at the side. The captain's just saying, the captain just has to be able to say like, hey, somebody dock the boat. I believe that's what the Boson does. Yes. Is dox it for you. No, you're thinking of the doxon. You can't leave your car in the middle of the street because there's only so much street. You can park your boat in the middle of a lake because you can't get in anybody's way. Go around. It's a big fucking lake. It's, I'm not in anybody,

I'm not double parked. I can't be. It's a lake and it's so big. I can't even see the other side of it. So chill the fuck out. I want to tell you something about how you don't even know how fucking stupid you sound right now because what about best fishing spots? Oh, you're, you can't just park up where all the choice sturge are. All the best sturgeon are in that spot. You can't just post up there. Okay. All the, all the choices, Sturge, you can't hog them for yourself. Then you got to leave your boom blaster on. You got to leave your boom blaster on and then people will see your haunted empty musical boat, your haunted spooky fog covered music producing cigarette boat in the middle of the lake and they'll notice you're clear because you've scared all the

sturge off. Also because you might be haunted. That's a good point. You're, you're, you're supposing a sort of salty earth thing where you get rid of the best sturge spot. Oh, they'll have to go somewhere else. They go somewhere else. They don't just like disappear. They go somewhere and now you're, you're actually making several smaller sturge spots. That's the only looking at it. When God closes the door, he makes a bunch of new sturge spots. I love going to haunted houses, guys, during October and seeing all the great costumes and set designs. However, I'm really scared while I'm there. That was rarely. What'd I say? I don't want people to think you said really. I'm rarely. I can see the game. Right. This darn Appalachian accent. However, I'm rarely

scared while I'm there. I feel like this is rude towards the actors since their job is to scare me. How can I pretend to be scared to make the actors feel better while also not acting like I'm mocking them with my fake scared reactions? And that's from indifferent in Indiana. There's gotta be more to that, right? I have actually worked several haunted houses. I've worked at more than five individual separate haunted houses. All right. Thank you. And I've been this performer and I will say that there have been times where I've like jumped out, big spooky scare and the verses just looked at me and kept walking and there's nothing more devastating than I'm just like, okay, just keep walking. We gotta do something. You're saying?

Yes, somewhere yet. But like, I've also seen people who have done that like fall backwards, like clutch their heart. And I'm like, okay, that's bullshit. Okay. Well, I guess before you walk into every room, just say, Hey, everybody, I do have a fainting syndrome. Yes. And then all you have to do is when somebody jumps out and spooks you, you can just fall down. Like you fall and not backwards like you were scared. No, down like one of those goats go limp. Yes. Let me offer you this one. This is a good one to fake. Oh, you got me. And then you just keep walking, right? That way you don't, you don't have to do like a big What about anger? If you have anger, you fucking, you fucking zombie. God damn it.

In front of my friends. Oh, man. I never thought there'd be too signs here. Damn it. Oh, there was something in the coffin. Oh, fuck you. Fuck. Cause that was a regular coffin. Like I was at a store. I was paying respects and you popped out. You can do like, you can do like a baby kid. I was, Henry and I were playing a surprise game the other day and I did a too big a surprise and he immediately just so you could do that. You could cry. Instantly and loud. A werewolf jumps out at you and is like, I'm gonna bite and turn you into me and you just that's a good one. Leap into their arms, leap into their arms and then chatter your teeth like fucking Scooby-Doo. Is that a possibility?

That's dark. You know what? I take back what I said. It's dark in there. You probably don't need to piss and shit yourself before you go in. You can probably just say out loud, you can just say out loud like, oh, shit myself. You can piss and shit yourself in media res. There's a reason to like be, be prepared with the shit. What if there's a big one? You don't think about this like, what if there's a big long line to get in and you might time it for like, you piss and shit yourself when you're walking over there. You pull out the door. Oh, what? You got away for 45 minutes. That's a big problem. Maybe I, when the person scares you say something like, oh, I've had the hiccups for 10 years. Thank you so much. Thank you. Get some on the face.

Well, don't do that. That made the cheeks. Still don't. You shouldn't touch them. Yeah. Touching their hands and bow deeply. Respectful. Can you just run through the haunted house as fast as you possibly can, avoiding as many scares as possible? I have seen that move for many times. That is the thing that I've seen people do. I like that shit. I like that speed run strat. Here. Oh, I like that. When they scare you, you go, oh, you got me. Okay. Now, let's get the next person together. And then you hide with them too. Make room in the coffin. I'm getting in there too. We'll get them. And you brandish the knife you've been carrying. I think you could, you could decide that you're going to run back a room is like, hey,

warning guys, there's a really fucking scary Dracula in the next room. Nobody is going to pop out and he's going to go, well, he's going to pop out, but don't be afraid of him because now you've been armed with the most incredible weapon and that's preparation. I'll walk in there with you. That's the problem. I'll go in there with you. He's going to do it. Oh, now he's not going to do it now because I said something. Team up on this Dracula with me. I need more. I need more, more strong able-bodied people to help me put it in his reign of terror. Who wants to do a fusion with me to beat the Dracula? Give me your arms. We can stop them together with love power. We can stop open that window. We're going to do a fusion. That's good. We got him. Yeah, I think those are

pretty good, pretty good starting points. Can we go to the money zone? Do you guys think that during the month of October, Casper mattresses really hate sponsoring podcasts? Because there's got to be some jokers out there who are like, oh, do you like ghosts? What about Casper mattresses? They're light and airy like a ghost and comfortable to sleep on like a ghost. Anyone who's ever done that is an asshole. Right? That's what I'm saying. Travis, stop saying a bunch of garbage that doesn't move yarn. That's what we call it when we sell beds. I want to move some fucking yarn right now, boys. Get out of the way. I'm going to move this fucking yarn right out the door. Okay. I just, I decided to get a new mattress. Okay. And you

know the mattress that I got? It's a fucking Casper. It's from the hybrid collection. It's got acclaimed foam layers now available with springs. It's fucking, it's great. It's so comfortable because I'm mad about all the years that I felt bad physically and I thought it was because I didn't take very good care of myself and didn't exercise. But now I'm thinking it was the bed. I think I've been having a great lifestyle the entire time and the problem was the great bed. And I want everybody to do like me, but not like the old me. Be like current me and get on this new mattress. It's luxurious comfort and resilient support with bedding, bed frames, and even a glow light. Casper has everything you need to create the perfect sleep environment.

I love this mattress. It's been so comfortable. I adore it. And there's never been a better time to try them because you can get $100 towards like mattresses by visiting casper.com slash brother and using the code brother at checkout. That's casper.com slash brother and using brother at checkout terms and conditions apply. I just finished my midday coffee and I want to tell you all about stamps with all this energy I got. Okay. Do it. Specifically.com. Not just the idea of stamps, although I like that too. I love these fun stickers that you legally have to put on stuff to send them to other places. I think that's a great idea. And whoever came up with it, kick ass job. Do I understand why we need the stickers? Is it an aerodynamics thing?

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whatever baby is that simple. You can get a special offer right now for our listeners. And it includes a four week trial plus free postage and a digital scale without any long term commitment. Just go to stamps.com, click on that microphone at the top of the home page, and type in my brother. That's all in word. That's stamps.com. Enter my brother. There's nothing quite like sailing in the calm international waters on my ship, the SS biopic. The vest, it's actually pronounced biopic. No, you dingus, it's biopic. Who the hell says that? It's biopic. It's the word to biography and picture. All right, that is enough. Ahoy. I'm Dave Holmes. I am the host of the rebooted podcast formerly

known as international waters designed to resolve petty but persistent arguments like this. How? By pitting two teams of opinionated comedians against each other with trivia and improv games, of course, winner takes home the right to be right. What podcast be this called troubled waters where we disagree to disagree? I have another question here. At my college, I heard about this sweet deal where I could get free room and board. The catch is that the suite is above the hospital and I would be on call two nights out of the week and possibly move new corpses into the morgue. Sounds legit and normal. Being the strange person that I am saving cash and being contractually obligated to move bodies sounds better to me than sleep and student loans. The problem with the job

is that it's my invitation only, but I don't know who is doing the inviting. How do I try to look suitable for a mortuary job without being too creepy? That's from A. A lot of initial gut feelings about this one, but I feel like maybe we're out of our depth a little bit. Yeah. Do you want to try to call Felicia a day and see if she's available to talk because I know that she's deep into mortuary fashion. Mortuary culture. Yeah. I'll see if I can get Felicia down the phone. Hold on one second. Felicia, are you there? Oh, here I am. Hi. Hi. Were you just waiting by the phone for a call? I heard the dulcet tones of Skype, which is the only time and I was like, whoa, I'm going to do a little dance and then I'm going to pick up this Skype call.

A lot of people don't know this. That's actually Travis Acapella doing the Skype call song. Yeah. Every time you call. Every time. That's incredible. What a good gig. That's like if you're the voice of the American Airlines, you know, mine or something like that. You are just banking it out, man. I've made 20 bucks. Not a lot of people use Skype anymore. For a reason. Hey, so Felicia, do you need us to read the question back or did you catch it? Strangely, I psychically heard it because I heard the word mortuary and whenever that happens in the world, I just perk up because I am a death breaker. Oh, cool. Good to know. All right, cool. Welcome to the show. It's a side gig. Thank you. Thanks for having me on. I would love to

help you answer this question. I mean, what do you find the time for, you know, the acting and the writing when you're bringing so much death, so much death all over? You know, it's kind of like that Piers Anthony series that I guess when back in the day, you didn't know he was problematic and you read that. Remember that death series he did? Yes, incarnations of immortality. Incarnations of immortality, which were high awesome. They were one of my favorite as a child. I agree. The death book especially. So basically, ever since I read that book, I was like, I just want to specialize. I want a moonlight and death and then I'll do all this other quirky stuff on the side. Indeed, cool. We'll put in a good word for us. I'll come for you.

With the bookkeeper. Yep. I'll put it in note, not today, friend, not today. So Felicia, how does one give off a vibe that would make some kind of mortuary slash college official say that person, I would trust them living above it, but I don't think they'd be happy about it. You know what I mean? I'm a little confused about the setup. What is this college? Is this like Hogwarts for weirdos? I don't understand. First of all, how you have like a free room and board if you just move a corpse. That sounds like a way to get killed. How do you hear rumor of this? Is there a board for weird like just, you know, is this a Wiccan board? This person heard about this opening or is it just like an

underground rumor? Like one of those Hollywood clubs? It doesn't have a sign out front. It does sound like kind of the setup for like one of those like late 90s, early 2000s movies. It's like, we're going to try anything at this point and see if people are into it. You got to stay in a morgue or whatever in the college. Is this anything? Yeah, it's well, Jennifer Love-Hewitt. It's like after supernatural. Or it's just like a random episode of supernatural like season six or something when before the great characters came in. I feel like not to keep picking at the actual premise of this question, but it, I feel like it kind of devalues people that work in the death industry because it's like,

we could, we can't figure out any way to get someone to move these bodies. Maybe if we give them a free place to live, it's like, well, it's a job, right? Like there's, we have systems for this already in place. The question itself also twisted on me because I thought it was going to be like, this offer is pretty fucking wild, huh? But instead it's like, what should I wear for my first day of unpaid death bringing? Okay, I would say corset. You got to wear a black corset. Okay, I would say a corset, but then also maybe like a Hawaiian shirt underneath the corset. Something that says like, I'm fun too. Like, I think a tank top that shows off your huge muscular bod because I think you got to be pretty jacked if you're going to be moving those bodies.

They probably have tables with like wheels on. Yeah, I was about to say, I think that it's not just like, this isn't a 19th century body dump. I think that. Yeah. By the way, is the person who's going to, has this room to let and is basically doing the hiring named Dr. Frankenstein because that's what it feels like. Yeah, it's, it's fully, you're, you're being eagled right now. So maybe like a kind of a hood that you can pull up over you so you can slump around in that, in that eagler fashion. Sort of like a corset covered by a black hoodie with just a pair of dirty jeans to show that you're not trying too hard. But see, how much are you willing to sacrifice to get this room? Because like you do have the

rest of your college experience to think of. I mean, listen, I'm, if this is a real gig and this person is this, this has this kind of positive polyana attitude about corpse moving. I'm like, go for it. Like I'm happy for them to not get student debt. I'm just worrying for them possibly becoming a core. It just feels like it's a setup for a murder and you're right. It's a late 90s murder. Oh, definitely. Listen, I'm saying that it's 50-50 at this point. Was there, is there a corner on campus? That's my question too. You know, like, whoo, that's a, that's a rough gig. Huh? Woof, daisy. Oopsie-doopsie, prime of their life. Oh boy. I'm getting, I'm getting skis that just. Woof, that's a rough. I'm glad there's people

in society that can handle stuff like that. Thank goodness for you people and thank goodness for this, this question asker. I'm glad you're out there. This is also people that can handle that. This is the scene that is just popped in my head too. I'm just like, while they're building the college, they're just like, Doug, are those blueprints ready? Yeah, you wanted dorm rooms built above the hospital and morgue, right? What? No, Doug, what do you, oh, well, they already started working on it. Uh, we'll have to give that one for free. Why does it need to be above the hospital? Like, like, why does it need to be moving? I don't need, why does it need to be so near the morgue? What is the mark? Well, when, when, when, when the university was first built, originally that

was going to be the bone tower, the tower for, for bones where they get used to some of the astral heart. But then that didn't work out. They had a lot of extra square footage and, you know, shit's tight these days. I'm just saying, listen, if you are required to sign an NDA of some kind, you will eventually probably six months down the line become a murderer and you're going to have to do it. That's all I'm saying. Oh, I know how to, I know, I have the answer. I have the answer for the question asker. You're going to need to buy yourself your own wheeled gurney and start moving your friends to and from class for free until you get noticed of like, wow, that person is good at wheeling people from one place to another. Oh, cool. Right? Bring her in here.

You know, that feels, honestly, that feels a little over eager. That's like literally texting an hour after the date. Hey, how was it? You know what I'm saying? That feels over. I would, what I would do, and I was, I would go, this is what I have always found to be a winner, fruit bouquets, fruit bouquets, edible arrangement, edible arrangements in the shape of and cut the pineapple in the shape of coffins. And you could show that you're an aficionado and you're just dropping it by on a birthday and just be like, you know what, today is a random day. I want to be friendly to a person who administers this room and probably has no other friends. Now, Felicia, you don't have to cut them yourself. Just go to edible arrangements and buy a funeral arrangement

that they do. That's a lot of people don't know about that. A lot of people send just flowers. You can send a whole fruit bouquet, sit right there next to the casket. I track a lot of flies. If that was me in there, I'd want you to have some grapes. Yeah, get some fucking vitamins. Oh, dude, I want, yeah, I don't want a whole buffet table. I want craft service in my funeral. All right. Yes. Do me up with like sushi, like I'm at a high end Los Angeles. What I left is for my hand to be turned up and a handful of Skittles and you could take one as you go. Bring some of these ideas to the morgue. This is an insight. Yeah, evolve it. Dress for the job you want. Oh, I got it. Y'all, have you ever been in a Mac store? You guys? Yes. Okay. You know how they dress

only in black, right? Right. They have aggressive makeup, usually eyeliner and very, very overly. The makeup store, I thought you meant like an Apple store. I thought you meant the Apple store too, Felicia. And I got so conf, when you got to the makeup part, I was like, uh, yeah, yeah, Felicia. Yeah. Little judgmental, but okay. Sure. The Mac makeup store, everyone has to wear black and too much makeup. This way you could show that you are morose and you could be whimsical and you could make anybody's makeup. You could make up the corpses because I feel like if you could show like, hey, I'm not only a wheeler, I'm a doer. I want to make this person look better in death than they did in life. I feel like that could be a good idea. Uh-huh. Make a lot of high school

exes jealous with these clothes. Yeah. Happy Halloween, by the way, everybody. Very spooky. Getting a little jump on it. A little ahead of the game. I'm rooting for this person. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us. You're quite welcome. We feel like we've helped this person so much. Hey, you got a book that just came out. Hey, that's a good segue. Yeah. It just came out. It came out on October 1st. We're not recording this. We're just making chit chat. Oh yeah. Okay. Hey, you know what the name of my book is? It's called Embrace Your Weird, Face Your Fears and Unleash Creativity. It's a funny geeky workbook to be more creative. That's it. That sounds amazing. Work. But Felicia, I hate work. I know. The minute I said that,

I was like, oh, he's never going to get this book now. It has pictures in it. Oh, that does sound good. That sounds right up my alley. Where can I get this book? Anywhere. What the fuck do you think, man? Fucking book. It's a book, man. It's a book, dude. I know, but maybe there's like a convenient web address. You can go to FeliciaDayBook.com. I'm on book tour maybe, but I don't know when this is, you know, you're going to listen to this later. I don't know when you're going to listen to this later. So I don't know where you would be, but I'm everywhere. And then you can get it in physical book or audio book. I read it. Can I get it in like an edible jelly packet? I've heard about this. I didn't, I've not heard about that. I don't have

it. You don't know. You dump it in the bathtub and then you just kind of soak in it and absorb the information. Yeah. Let me inhale your book. You feed your book to a bunch of bees. You eat their honey. The book knowledge gets inside you. I'm invested in this story. Please have them follow up. Okay. You gotta, you gotta, we can't get hung up on any one story, Felicia. There's no one just around the corner. We've been doing this for a while. You just got to love them and leave captivated and then you move on. You've never followed up on one of your, you, you're catching release, catching release. Wait, you guys are giving people life changing advice and you're not supposed to do it. It's following up is a certain amount of culpability that I can't get on board

with. It's Schrodinger's advice. If we actually observe the result of it, it is, it's going, it's going to be bad. That's not necessarily. We're second guessing ourselves. You don't know that. It could be anything. If you, you know what, it could be anything if you don't look at it. So actually just don't look at it. You're right. Okay. Bye. Got another Yahoo here. This one is a non-minus. It was sent in by lots of folks, but I'm going to say this, this one was sent in by Geraldine asks, I have a fast food question. I am tired of vertically excessive burgers. Where can I get the wide burgers? Fast food establishments seem locked in conflict to make the tallest burger and it's getting silly. What a wonderful way to say they seem locked in conflict

when with the bloodshed end. I want a wide, easy to eat burger. McDonald's quarter pounder patty is between 3.8 and four inches in diameter. Just the patty mind. You don't get me started on this button. For a double quarter pounder, they just stack two, one on top of the other. I'd rather have an eight inch wide half pounder than a double quarter pounder. Wow. Give me an original, give me something original, not twice of something else. Shit, that's a good sentence. Give me an original, not twice of something else. Let us look at condiment distribution. Okay, this goes on and on and on. There's no conclusion to say the double quarter pounder is a different burger than the quarter pounder. Yes, the ingredients are the same,

the ratios are so skewed. It's a different burger experience. Truly ironic that the only constant is that wretched bun. New paragraph, two words. I'm right. Next paragraph. So having expressed my desire for a wide burger and now adding that I require this wide burger on the go, where does one find such a mouthful? Post script. I ask this question in earnestness. I respect you to respond in kind. Also, my last question about Luby's cafeteria a fair while ago didn't go well for me, so I'm posting this anonymously. I understand there are some Luby's lovers out there still. My heart goes out to you. Thank you, friends. Bless. This is a fucking tour de force. Wow. Yeah. It's like, this is like a manifesto.

This one was written by Dame Meryl Streep and it's really very, very powerful. I'm right. I don't know. I didn't know you could just do that when you were like arguing something. I did not either. Yeah. You could just like settle. I played through to just like, I'm right. Oh. Two four inch wide patties stacked on top of each other is inferior to one eight inch wide patty. I'm right. I want to let me see you guys. Let me see if this, if this sort of satiates the question from your point of view. The long big king. I don't know if this is still available. I guess it's not, but it was a real burger where Burger King, the fucking maniacs at Burger King took two patties of beef and then they put them on the long BK broiler bun that they used for

the BK chicken sandwich or BK broiler and it's two burgers next to each other instead of on top of each other. Wait, wait, wait, wait. They didn't make, hold on. They didn't shape a new ovular patty. They just, they realized they had a long bun already and we know that we know enough about the, the, the system to know that that's the reason. I mean, the real answer is they don't want a special bun is the question is the thing is the real thing. The problem with that, Justin, is then you have like some real like dead zone corners. You're just getting bun. No, no, no, bud. I don't think you're understanding this correctly. It's two patties next to each other, right? Okay. Imagine, are you imagining? Cause I feel like you're not imagining it. I'm getting

fucking so mad. Two patties next to each other, right? Those are circular patties on a rectangular bun. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's not a rectangular bun. What are you talking about? Where would you find a rectangular bun? If you look at the middle where the two patties are next to each other, one curves in and the other curves in space there and there. Okay. But what I didn't tell you is that they have been lovingly hand ladle on top of one another. So there is overlap, right? So we're not, we're talking about a sort of figure eight of meat. So now you have a little middle, a fantastic middle. The most delicious bite is that one, the one in the middle where the, for a second you're eating a double, a double. Now what I do like right back to the exhausting

process of eating this long burger that you've started. Not to go back to Amamanus's question, as Griffin said, but I do agree that two burgers stacked on top of each other is different from two burgers or a bigger burger. Cause two burgers stacked on top of each other could be the same amount of eating time, right? Because you're looking at the same like bite, number of bites, where a bigger burger is more bites to get the same burger. Yeah, that's a good point. That's a good point. Travel with a double, with a big, with a tall burger, I'm not limiting the depth of my chomp. You know what I mean? Like I'm still chomping down on that. Like I would a single patty burger. Yes. You also, it is a lot easier to share a wide burger cut it in half,

then take apart some kind of double quarter pounder and say like, now you get this part of a bun and this one patty. That's nothing. I do like the long burger. I got excited about the eight inch wide hamburger, but then I started thinking about logistically, how we're going to package these, get them in a bag, get them through the windows of people's cars, these eight, these pizza sized burgers. And that's where I, unless we sort of galaxy folded it, where each burger did sort of have a hinge in the middle, and then then that would make it just a little bit more palatable. But that, I do like that compared to the, if we, if we discount in and out burger and they're crazy, like 12 stacking burgers or whatever, there is a limit to the height a burger can go, right?

Most people stop at like three patties, but if we're talking about length of burger, anything, my friend, we are looking at a whole new, like forgive the pun, dimension. You are, you are suggesting that we don't, we don't just stop at what, like the, the two inch wide and then eight inch long, long burger. This could be a 10th of an inch wide, four meter long burger. Yes. Like a nerd's row putt burger, but hamburger for, for children without a lot of pity candy, that they, they, they, they can have a burger that they eat on all day long. They don't have the money, these, these poor, these poor orphans roaming the streets without money for pity candy. They want to, they don't have the, the, the ability to just buy burgers whenever they want to.

They only have burger money in the morning when their mums send them off to, to university. So they take the money and they buy an extremely long burger that they can enjoy all day long. Yes. Few bites in the morning. It's like the mirth mobile. They got a little burger dispenser, a long burger dispenser above the riser. You get a spool of this everlasting string burger and you can just have it all, all day, all the pizzas, everlasting string burger in the morning, in the evening at separate time. When your burger is a string coil, go for it kids. That'll be the theme song. I'm still working on it. Yes. I love it. Go for it kids. And then we have all kinds of different like dispensers we can employ. You have the bubble tape kind of dispenser. You have,

you know, maybe like a whip that you could like whip to a friend and they take a bite and you whip it back. Cool. That's a fun game. Yeah. We can do like a Castlevania season two on Netflix tie in. Yes. Whip your friends with this. Whip your friends with this. Have a catch up fight. Yes. Oh, maybe jump rope with it on a clean floor and then take a bite. What's that? Oh, what's that inside of the spool? That's right. In the, in the, in the interior of the spool, there's some Baja Blast or something. Ooh. Everything you need. We got it on one side, Baja Blast on the other side. Dipmps on every edge of, we have fully, fully utilized this cylinder, this dinner cylinder for your enjoyment. Put one end at one side of the planet,

put the other end at the other side of the planet. Uh huh. Begin eating. When you meet, that's your soulmate and you must be legally bound right there and then. Is it in the ocean? Fine. The Catholic can do it. We will, we will lay these out on longitude and latitude lines. Yes. And they will circle the globe and they will bring people together. Now, I know. It's nice because then when people ask like, what's with all these bullshit lines in the globe, they're even there. You can just say that's where the burgers are. Yeah. Yep. Now I know you're wondering what about all the ants and birds and other animals and cars and let's see, what else is it? Just people walking, stepping on long burger.

Gosh, we're trains. We're probably going to cross a few train tracks. Eventually, those are going to destroy the long way. So I know you're wondering, how are we going to sort of maintain string burger integrity with all of these factors and. Yeah. This, um, this, um, this, the answers to this question of taking place in an exciting new trans media IP where there aren't any ants or birds anymore in this world that we've envisioned. It's much like our own world. Yes. It's just different and twisted in that one way. A lot of things are going to have to change. Like we acknowledge that and we're in many ways sorry about that. I will hate to get rid of all the birds and the ants. There, there is a very good

reason we have not had long burger to this point. Right. And it's because of the factors that have put us in this situation. The first was we're going to have to reorder the stars a little bit to make a comfortable reality for long burger. Now, listen, we are, I know you're worried. I'm listening, baby. I'm on all, I'm on all ears. Environmentalists probably getting a little freaked and tweaked about this idea. Don't worry. We're going to hang onto a few birds. Yes. Going to tie, going to tie string burger to them at certain places to elevate it above the train tracks. So we're kind of killing, we're killing. A lot of birds. We're killing trillions of birds and we are saving a few to act as sort of elevation, living elevation units. Now, how are we going

to keep those birds from eating the long burger that they've been charged with elevating? Strict interviewing processes. Yeah, we gotta, yeah, shit. I hear all you fucking eco warriors, you Ed's Bagley Jr. And my brother is absolutely right. Would add though, it is also compostable as you got the fucking stones to put it in the ground. You can compose the long burger as well. It's going to take a while to bury. That is. Thank you. That's one of the biggest problems you are committing yourself to quite the endeavor. It's a utility line. It's like a utility line. Yes, please do. Please call before you dig for burger lines. You do not want to hit an underground burger line. Oh boy. Well, because you'll sever the burger, and then we're going to have to start

all the fuck over again. Yes. And we are also going to be everywhere. We're also going to be able to transmit the internet through this long burger. Yeah. Cat five, cat six, so this cat up and you're going to be able to. But that's a big joke for the IT crowd. Damn. Thanks, Grif. I really appreciate that. I appreciate your enthusiasm for this project. You've been instrumental in getting us to this point, and I'm so excited to buy out your shares and get rich on my own, on my own steam. Whoa, what? We were in this together. To the death, we said. We said string burger to the death. Travis, remember when you sold me all your shares as a, quote, birthday gift to me? But that was just for funsies, you said.

That was all in reality. You said it was funsies. You made me go door to door and beat all the birds on the planet to death with my own hands, and now this how you do me. Justin, I ground up all the cows with my teeth. My betrayal of my brothers is complete. I am through with this world. My transformation has been completed. I am now the Joker, and that is how the Joker came to be, folks. That's our origin story of the Joker. The end. What happened was he bought out of his brother's- So no need to go see the movie now. We've told you everything that happens in it. That's our very funny take on it, our skewed view of the Joker's origin story. We've got to get out of the episode. We've got to get

out. Listen, we got out of the fucking podcast because we sold a Joker movie about Longburger. We're rich. I'm rich. You're brothers of the rich. Oh, man. You're exciting for you. Come on, let's have some money. Well, we'll get some paperwork out. Absolutely. We'll do it. We'll do it all above board. It's not me. It's my lawyers. You understand? I get it. It's just that I'm so hungry for burgers. Well, the good news on that fucking front is you never have to go hungry again. Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. We know it's weird and it got a little weird there. I'm sorry about that. Oh, I didn't notice. We want to tell you a couple of things. One,

we have brand new merch in our merch site. If you go to macrimeurch.com, you can find it there. Let's see. There's the ProVax pen is up there. There's a new great Sawbone shirt. The pen of the month is a really cool Riddle Me Piss pen. There's like a Munch Squad sweatshirt, right? We're going to be probably for these cool and off months. We are coming to New York in a couple weeks. I think there's still some tickets available for that. You can get those at macrime.family and click on Tours. If you have questions, you can send them in with either Philadelphia or Brooklyn in the subject line. Specifically, since we're going to be at Brooklyn in a couple of days, if you want to include the day you're going to be there so that we know,

so we can include your question when you're there, that would probably be pretty helpful. Let's see. What else, guys? Oh, go check out Felicia's book, Embrace Your Weird. It's out now. It's an absolute treat. Do not miss it. You'll love it. Yeah. Thank you so much, Felicia, for being on the show. Thank you to John Rodrick and the Long Winters for these bar theme song. It's a departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed. Still cranking that tune, driving down with my windows down. People ask me, what's that tune? I tell them, well, I tell them. I'm not going to say it again. Thanks to Maxfun too. Maxfunfun.org. Check out all the great shows that they have there, like Mission to Zix. And stop podcasting

yourself and just all of them, baby. Do you want the final? Absolutely. Okay. This one is a little bit on the nose considering the last 20 minutes of the show, but that's okay. Seth Carlson, send it in. Thanks, Seth. It's Yahoo Answers user, Orange, who asks, If McDonald's is so good, where is McDonald's too? My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, me, kiss your dad, square on the lips. Maxfunfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. I listened to reading glasses because Brea and Mallory have great tips. My suggestion for book

festivals is just go for one day. I listened for the author interviews. I was a huge goosebumps fan. Oh, yes. R.L. Stein was totally my jam. I don't even read. I just like their chemistry together. Literally, if on the bag it said, like, this book made me shit my pants, I'd be like, that's, I'm buying this book. Like, like, I think the problem with blurbs a lot of times. I like that we both want to crap ourselves over books. I'm Brea Grant and I'm Mallory O'Mara. We're reading glasses and we solve all your bookish problems every Thursday on Maximum Fun.