My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 483: Face 2 Face: Beemen

Episode Date: October 28, 2019

We’re taking a sick week and tossing up another live show from our most recent tour: Our maiden voyage to the good city Philadelphia. Unfortunately, we left that city worse off than we found it -- which is to say, covered in Beemen. We assume we will not be invited back.

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? There is something so bizarrely anti-climactic from just coming in from the back of the state. From the side, we get to like, run on, and we're like, haha! And we walk in from the back, it's like, oh hey guys, you're here. Oh, what are you all doing? How did you get in here? Okay. Hello everybody, and welcome, my brother, my brother,

main advisor for the Modular, I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother in 30 under 30 media luminary Griffin McElroy. Just FYI, Paul really tried to convince us to let people sit behind us. We can all agree that would be bad for them, right? Because already this is a pretty bland, like visual experience. The worst show I've ever seen, I once stared at the back of three guys' heads for an hour. Well, if the chairs, if we're sitting on stools, and could give them a bit of a

fanny show, what am I saying? Take them to the McElroy fanny zoo. That is what we call it. So here's the thing. I don't know how many of you picked up during Sawbones. Thank you, Sawbones, by the way. We should also say we were told to read this. I think it's less exciting. Recorded live in Verizon Hall on the Kemmel Center Cultural Campus. So anyways, back to the pitch. We're gonna edit that in at the beginning. So if you didn't pick up from Sawbones, our man Justin here is a little bit ill. Recovering from illness. I am at the height of my powers.

And so part of that is his voice is very scratchy. He's been drinking tea to try to protect it. It's not hot enough, by the way, Paul. Good try, though. We gave him a words budget backstage, which is to say we have so much show to do this week, four shows, which for us is a lot. And so any bullshit you talk about backstage, you are spending precious amounts of your budget. And what did Justin open up with as soon as we got here to the venue? Well, I'm glad you asked. If he seems to taper off towards the end of the show or becomes completely inaudible because his voice is completely given up the ghost, rest assured it was worth it because he talked to

us about Gallagher for like 15, 20 minutes. To the point where no joke you said we should open about Gallagher. And I said, oh, is Gallagher from Philadelphia? And he said, no, I've just been thinking a lot about Gallagher lately. I could add some really great color here, but I won't because we're already in words budget. You know what, Justin? I will give you the next three minutes to tell us why this won't count to your towards your words budget. Three minutes is so much money that they pay for. Do you realize the screeching halt this show would come to if I got three uninterrupted Gallagher moves? Oh, I didn't say uninterrupted. Did you know that Gallagher, you knew about Gallagher too, right?

Like his brother go play small clubs as Gallagher too. You know, sometimes a human is equal to another human. Well, that was Gallagher too, his brother. And I used to think it was a cash in, but today I learned that Gallagher sent his brother Gallagher to to go perform in small clubs so carrot top couldn't get booked there. This is true, which which is also why we started my brother, my brother, me too. So John and Hank Green couldn't do the other the other thing that I wanted to tell you about Gallagher is that there was a woman that got injured at a Gallagher show by laughing too hard. You probably can guess which you got hit by some melon or some shit. And um, the,

well, stop. Apparently what happened at this one was at this court case, like in Gallagher, Gallagher was so funny at the court case that he won it because he did so many, so many jokes that the judge found in favorite Gallagher because he's so fucking funny. And the judge has a quote where it's like, supposed to have ever laughed in my life. It's a sad life, but okay. As an injured woman sits in the play dupe box, like I clearly got hit by some melon. Yes. Some watermelon husk sticking out of her brain still just fucking crying. There are tears in his eyes as he talks about Gallagher. The other big Gallagher injury I wanted to share with you. The other woman that sued Gallagher got hurt because she rushed the stage

and slipped on melon leaving. Ma'am, ma'am, are you okay? Did this go how you thought it would? That's why he does it. That's why he creates a protective field of fruit caltropes to slip up his, his potential assailant. He definitely didn't stop doing Sledge-O-Matic after either one of those occurrences and there must have been times when like his manager or lawyer or whoever had to say to him like, hey, you need to make an announcement, you need to make an announcement before you do it. So we're not liable. And he had to say like, that will throw off the rhythm. Yes. That would kill the bit. Do you know that we're nearing four minutes now. Do you know, do you know Gallagher appeared on The Tonight Show a bunch of times, but only when Johnny Carson

was on break because Johnny Carson hated him so much that he would only beer. He could only get on one of the other guest rooms because Carson hated Gallagher's guts so bad. One other thing about Gallagher is that his last show, that was his last special, I'm just gonna say for now, let's, we all can hold our hope. It came out in 2001, it's called SledgeO-Matic.com. I was taking a drink. I was timed, timed specifically to that. Did I say it was in 2001? That's so long after the internet came out, Gallagher. We're not doing those jokes anymore about it. Dot coms or what have you. Anyway, Gallagher is not funny, except in the sense that he very much is, in the sense, in second person. In second person, Gallagher is

funny in retrospect. Yeah. And so because of Justin's illness, I have opted to read the questions this evening. And this is an advice over the modern era, excuse me, modern era, where we take your questions and alchemy like turn them into wisdom. Turn them alchemy like into wisdom. Fuck. Oh, we've only done this show 483 times. By the way, I am so sorry it took us so long to come to Philadelphia. It's wild. So sorry. Honest to God, I thought we'd been here. Yeah. All day, I kept asking people like, we've done Philadelphia, right? We've been here. And it took, I'm still not convinced we haven't been here. Yeah. Okay. So our first question. This is like, this is like, don't worry,

I'll cover your shift as an EMT. But first, I'm taking this injured person to Taco Bell. That is a great metaphor. So what is happening here? So we got a bunch of riddle me piss emissions because you all are incredible, broken people. Hunter, are you here? There's probably more than well, but Hunter, who submitted numerous ones. And my favorite thing Hunter, and this is why Hunter is a true American hero. Hunter submitted screenshots of multiple riddles that riddles.com has since deleted. Because riddles.com, mind you said, not the two puzzling. So we would not have this riddle if it weren't for Hunter's bravery. Waiting outside the riddles.com window for them to turn on the fresh riddles light.

You were in there doing the work, Hunter, and I appreciate it. And also I should note, there's no punctuation in this. So I'm probably going to have to read it multiple times in multiple different deliveries. It gets worse and worse and worse and worse. I am here, but yet I'm not standing in your doorway. I am always here for you. What am I now? Let me try it a different way. I am here, but yet I'm not standing in your doorway. I am always here for you. What am I? I am here, but yet I am not standing in your doorway. I am always here for you. What am I? I want to make it clear. My strategy for this segment has always been to answer the riddle correctly. And my path to getting there has changed dramatically. In the same way that I

feel like I have my finger on the Yahoo pulse and that I know how that collective hive mind operates, I feel like I'm getting better at understanding how riddles.com submissions work. And it is through that lens, I want you to view my answer, which is Jesus Christ. Along those lines, I've been working really hard to try to like nail down what makes a good riddle me piss. And it is sincerity and also complete obfuscation. It has to be like if you took two numbers and added them together, what would it be? Answer? Yellow. It has to be like I really tried to make a riddle and there is no way a human being can answer. So Justin, with that in mind, would you like to hear the riddle once more? No, please, Justin, just say something.

The answer is a cool breeze. Okay. I am here, but yet I'm not standing in your doorway. I am always here for you. Obviously, it's your friend. And I just want to harken back to the first line there. I am here for you, but yet I'm not. Unless it is, I am here for you, but yet I'm not standing in your doorway. Which even then, what if your friend is standing in your doorway? Wait a minute. Oh, shit. Now my riddle doesn't make sense. That sounds a lot like my shitty friend, Garrett. That's right. Hey, hey, Garrett, could you help me move? I am here for you. Even though technically, I am not. So how about our first question? Oh, right. You don't know which app to open. Okay. So a little while ago, my dad's coworker drew a paper version of him. I assume you mean your dad.

My dad's coworker drew a paper version of him. Some flat Stanley energy. My dad loved it so much he had it cut out and laminated. And now he made it an Instagram. Okay. I want to start first by saying, before you do any further, that drawing a picture of someone is not making a flat version of them. That's how all pictures work. I would also argue that you might need to reread flat Stanley. This is not what the book Flat Stanley was about. My dad's coworker 3D printed a fully articulated action, action guy. My dad's coworker flattened him with a cork board. Okay. That is what happens in flat Stanley Boys, how the hell do I make my flat dad popular on social media? The trip to Las Vegas didn't work.

And that's from Flat Father in Philadelphia. Are you here? All right. Hey, do you have, are you holding? You're holding the flat dad. Please do not fall off the balcony. Please do not die giving the flat dad to my brother. The flat dad is falling. He's been secured and retrieved. We have become viral marketing for the flat dad. Now let me see flat dad here. Okay. So I want to say when you posited this question to me, I thought you were going to maybe show us the most lifelike thing I have ever seen. And this is like if your dad was starring in a reboot of McGee and me. All right. I just posted it on Insta. If you want to see this bad boy close up.

I haven't posted on Instagram in like six months. So this is a fun way to get back in. Wait, hold on. You got to tag him. What's flat dad's Insta? Okay. This is actually not a bad way to get it to blow up. The real flat John. Everyone go follow. We've never had a more actionable answer to the question ever. Everyone in this room go follow the real flat. Okay. Now let's go. Don't be fooled by fake flat johns. Bullshit. There are a lot of fake johns out there. Worst show I ever saw. I stared at the back of three guys heads as they ran Instagram handles for an hour. They screamed at a person sitting 30 feet away. The real, the real. Hey, we have no way of getting this back to me. Unless we have a system of pulleys and buckets. Okay. So let's

pretend like we didn't just summarily solve this in the best way we've ever done any question ever. So we can make jokes about first thing is I can think of a lot of ways to garner an Instagram following for a thick dad. Yeah. Is there any way to stuff this one with cotton in some way? Can we make this flat dad a little thicker? Okay, not to get too. Okay. Depth wise. Sure. It's a flat dad. But if we're talking about with this dad has, this is a dad you can hold on to. Yeah. A thick dad. Very thick dad is a thick dad. Okay. This, being able to see the dad paper has really taken the wing. Oh, I see him. Yeah. Can we talk for a second about how beautiful eyes, kissable limbs, strong Popeye asks for arms.

Forms are ridiculous. He looks like Mr. Hyde. I do like that also your dad's go work group with the hands in the bucket because hands are fucking tough to draw. I also you can see started to draw fingers. He was like, nope, nope, fuck this. No, no, no, what am I doing? These are going in the pants. I also would like to point out if you are not holding this in your hands, like a lot of you aren't. It was drawn on the back of a calendar. Yes. Which like, if I'm going to spend a little time drawing a thick dad, I usually will go get a blank sheet of paper to start on. What that means to me is it started as a doodle that the coworker was like, no, you know what, I'm going to invest some time. I have something here. I'm not really nail this down. This is something. I just, I also

like there's a little water damage here. That's like the water damage happened. And my bed is your dad saw that and said, no, no, no, I got to get this guy laminated. Never, never again. Yeah. Before anywhere harm is done, I have to laminate this flat dad. Your dad loves this. His how hard was it for you to talk him into sending him with you? Dad, I promise I'll take good care of him. Oh, I don't know. His, his polo shirt collar is popped to a degree that makes it look like he's wearing like Dracula's cowl or something. It looks like a travel neck pillow. Can we, can we talk for a second? There is a very good chance, statistically speaking, that we would not read this question. Did you at any point worry about somebody seeing you holding a picture of your dad?

You're just kind of carting around. Hey, does he have a picture of his flat dad? Is that holding you a cartoon cut out of his dad? There's no other explanation. Well, I was about to say, thank you for giving Griffin lots of giggles. Why is that man holding a paper doll of a dude with a mouth that is basically a lips filled hair donut? And I like, listen, there's a lot of care in this doodle. There's stubble on it. There didn't need to be stubble. Damn, even if there was a way to get this back to you, I don't think I would. Oh, no, no, you can't. The dad loves that more. He's my dad now. It does kind of look like our dad. My dad, my, this dad would kind of could be our dad.

I was about to say, I hope that helps, but I'm fairly certain we did. Yeah, this one we fixed. We'll figure out a way to get this back to you. Flat dad's trending on Twitter. Wait, Paul, are you? Thank you, Paul. Return that dad. Hold on, wait, what's the game plan here, Paul? When this bit started, the real flat dad had 241 followers. He is up to 477. Oh, wait. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. Okay. Now the question has changed. Because now it's, uh-oh, my dad's Instagram famous. Now what? In which I'd like to say, welcome to the jungle, motherfucker. Next, next live show we do in Philadelphia follow up and be like,

I fucked up so bad. My dad's Instagram famous. Hey, how do I stat my powerful influencer dad? I have a yahoo here. We'll be opening for flat dad next time he's coming in. With special guest for flat dad. This one's standing by Emma Cant. Thank you, Emma. It's yahoo answers user. Sorry, something's gone wrong. It's because I've lost access to yahoo to the internet. Oh, okay. Not to yahoo. They wouldn't cut me off like that. You're the only person who still uses it. Uh, it's asked by flat dad. Who asks? How can I help these freaking bees? I put honey everywhere, but there are still no bees. I'm, I'm worried.

What? That, okay, I'll say this, not exactly a laughing matter from what I understand from some cursory learning about bees and their import to the world. Yes, but here's what I will say to that point. No one said that the bees are disappearing because no one's smearing honey everywhere. Like we didn't, it's not like everyone up till now had been smearing honey in you everywhere and then we stopped. Oh no, the bees are disappearing. If I could posit this though, can't hurt. It could though because making honey is what bees do and if they see that there's already a bunch of honey, they might be like, job's done. Job's done. Guess I'll die. Yeah. I'm just saying, if they moved into China, like, well, seems like literally they've got honey

covered, then they might leave town to space. Why would coding something in beaches make bees more likely to hang out there and spend time there? Then what you're saying is like, for me, for humans, it would be like me walking into a room and it's covered in jizz and I'm like, covered in jizz? It's covered in jizz and I'm like, seems good. I think what I'll do is all spend time here. I can't believe I'm about to do this, but Devil's Advocate, if you had a primal bee brain and you walked into a room that was, as you so crudely put it, covered in jizz and then you just, I don't like it when either one of my brothers says the word jizz. We've had some thorough testing in about 30 seconds. If I may, and I believe you'll enjoy this,

coded in beeman. Thanks. Yeah! Oh my god, they're loading a Nobel Prize from the ceiling. Whoa! Whoa, Falcorgia's picked up Griffin and is flying him through the streets of Philadelphia. The Liberty Bell has uncracked in his hole. It is filled with bee jizz. I wish there was a way to just take all the honey on all the store shelves off until they have been replaced with beeman labels. Okay, anyway, I have a bee brain. I'm sorry, is this local beeman? Griffin, you're about to tell us why you'd love to be in a room full of jizz, if you want to continue. If I had a bee brain, and I walk into a room coded in beeman, and then I think, I like to make beeman, and this is a room where that is allowed to happen. So you're saying that

you, Griffin McWay, would walk into a room full of jizz and be like, ah, this is a safe place for making jizz. If I had a bee brain, then you would feel comfortable making jizz where others have made jizz. Right. Hey, hey, hey, hey, y'all, this ain't my thing. I have an adult mature brain. If you had a bee brain or something, if you had a bee brain, you would walk into a room full of bee jizz and be like, ah, this is a great place for me, a bee, to make bee jizz. I would find an empty zone. But what if that's the wrong place? What if that spot is the one wrong spot? Maybe it's all this fucking shame that's making all the bees go away. Hey, you know what? You're right. Bees jizz wherever. That's the 2020 slogan. Every, every Tuesday at TGI Fridays, bee jizz wherever.

Try our new honey mustard. It's the only kind of mustard we've got. You get it. Okay, our next question. Did you forget that you read the question? You were waiting for Justin to take us away from bee jizz town. I looked at him. I don't have that power anymore. I know. You must guide us from bee jizz. Yesterday I got a massage and towards the end the massage therapist said, well, you've been quiet. I really like this next part of a sentence. I was just trying to relax. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And not make awkward small talk while getting rubbed down. But what did she want from me? Should I've been making noises indicating I was enjoying her rubs? And that's from Sarah in Philadelphia. Sarah, you here?

Sarah's Legion. A lot of Sarah fans. I get, I get, I get massages. I go to get massage. It doesn't have to be a bougie thing. My posture is fucking garbo. And I sit in front of a computer for a long time. So I like to go get a massage is a nice thing I do for myself. And I get a sore back. And I feel like I am an experienced massage recipient. And there really still is not a great way. There are certain part when you hit a knot on this topographical map I got going on back here, I want to be able to say that's, that is the part where it's very sore. Please continue applying pressure there. And it's tough to think of a way to do that on the fly that isn't uncooth. Yes. So like, I understand the need for silence. I'm usually fairly buttoned up also because the

alternative is like, uh, okay. Oh, idea. If that ever happens, you go, oh, just keep going. Go. Nothing is fixed. Just carry it through. You fix nothing. That's true. That actually would make it more awkward. I'm like, wait, are you Tim, Tim the tool man sailor? This is true because doing a high pitch version of that, I don't think it's much better. There's I really, I struggle. I ging it is the last thing I want to do is apply stigma to massage therapy. It's an important and valuable service. You know, I'm applying to you grip a Mac Wars body because I just can't think of like even me going like right there is really good. That feels very bossy. Like, I know how to do my fucking job. It's like, I don't got a dominoes and I'm like,

yeah, make it a circle. What about, what about this rub my shoulder Griffin? Yes. No, no, no. And you know, I realized that I was saying, uh, what about, okay, try again. Try again. Do it. I felt like I was rubbing like a squishy horny robot. Okay. No, Travis. There needs to be a bell. Wait, one more time. Justin, you do this one. Okay. Bazinga. If you are the character, Dr. Bazinga from Big Bang Theory, I think that's okay. You know, he did it. Griffin, a bell you say like a Trader Joe's. No, here's the thing.

That's a mistake for a long time. I thought the bell a Trader Joe's because it was like, I had great service. So one day I had great service and I rang it and a manager came up was like, you guys, you know, and they're like that you ring the bell for a manager. I was like, Oh, and then I never went by. I just think we live in fucking 2019. You're right. There's a better way to get a manager than an old timey ship bell. But you also know in that case, anytime, anybody brung you up and they're like, Oh, soft pretzel bread. I love this. I don't know why they I know it's good. Every time they're like, I love this soft pretzel bread. I know you work here and I eat it all the time. I know it's good. But then they go, Okay, we'll see you later.

See you have fun. Ring the bell. I love you. Did I mention how much I like the soft pretzel bread? No, no collection of sounds that we have developed as a species appropriately conveys a sort of tasteful level of pleasure right in a massage completely non sexual setting. There's nothing that's appropriate. That's why we've established tips. Money does that. Yeah. But you could also if you hand somebody money while they're massaging you, this is also a problem trap. That was it. Yeah. Oh, that's it. You found the knot. Wait, maybe you need some like meaningless slogans that you just say to indicate like, like if they can't travel, go ahead and run my back. Okay, that's good. A little lower. Okay. And

I'll just yell. Oh, that's the mustard. And then but then it's like, it's why did he say that so it's like it's there. It couldn't be loaded with any meaning other than I'm enjoying the massage. That's true. Please continue. You don't literally mean I found mustard on your body. If you do it and I say, I'm enjoying the massage, you have ruined it, right? I have to have code phrases. But like, it is out of here. But I need no solved it Brazilian steakhouse rules. Keep rubbing there. It's the green. Stop rubbing there. I flip it over. It's the red. Don't rub there anymore. We are solving them left and right tonight, folks. Solved it. Let's take a pat. What are you looking at everything, Justin? Well, it's our new segment,

Griffin. I invented it for you Philadelphia. It's a new segment. I would like, by the way, pause it. Silly Delphi. Why? Because they've been real silly in front of that. I'll repause it later. No, please. Okay. Paul is gone. If anybody here should, Paul, I love some more tea with booze in it. He knows the recipe. This is the new segment. It's one that I made up. So pour yourself a cup of minion quotes and drink the cup right up. So this is a new segment called minion quotes for the past few weeks. I've been subscribed to this page called minion quotes on Facebook. Is it just a lot of like banana? No, my friend, it's not. I'm going to give you, so this is the game with minion quotes. And I hope you're all going to enjoy this. What it is,

is it's a quote of sort of, it's a page full of platitudes with sort of incongruous images attached to them. And the game of minion quotes is, I'm going to tell you the platitude. You're going to tell me the cartoon character has been attached to it. And if you get it right, I have to share it on my Facebook page without any comment whatsoever. I'm going to give you an easy one that does not count. Would you go for a ride with Sam Elliott? What? Yes. Would you go for a ride with Sam Elliott? So when you said platitudes, what you meant is sometimes just sentences. This garbage. This is an easy one. I just wanted to mention Yosemite Sam. No, it's a picture of Sam Elliott

on a motorcycle. But I did want to mention that in real small letters on here, it says, I am a woman hear me roar. Okay. Don't know why. Today I am wearing a lovely shade of I slept like crap. So don't piss me off. Now, boys, what cartoon characters on this image? Miss Piggy. Miss Piggy. Interesting. Elmar Fide. Nope. That one's the Tasmanian Devil. That's Taz. That one's Taz. You ever want to just grab someone and say WTF is wrong with you? W. WTF is wrong with you. I'm going to say Tweety Bird. Interesting. Can I say Taz the Tasmanian Devil again? Dunk it. Fuck. That one's dunking. I thought I had it.

To my family and friends nearby and far away, I want you to know that no matter what is going on, I always love you. Wow. Wow. I will help you with this. This is how much I'm going to help you. It is a mascot. Oh, okay. Chester Cheetah. Ronald McDonald. What are you all saying? Brittney. Brittney? Brittney. They're saying gritty. It's Mickey Mouse. It's Mickey Mouse. Why would it be anything other than Mickey Mouse? Don't bring your. No, listen. Philadelphia only knows one word. Don't you bring your local perversions. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. This is a teen show. Okay. This is how I'm going to get fucking cocky right now. Okay. This one's a dog. A dog. I'm going to narrate every that much. It's a dog.

Can't decide if I need a hug, an XL coffee, six shots of vodka, or two weeks of sleep. Okay. I got it. Two of those are cool. You go. Odie. I am going to say droopy dog. Fuck. Yeah. You cocky motherfucker. I got you. Yes. Just press it. I'll let you press it. Share now, public. You can also write post. I love this. Oh, no way. Undo it. So I can just write me. This is me AF. All right. That is good. That is our new segment. Many While you all play barista over there, I will read the next Yahoo. This one was sent in by the

prospector, Merrick Palmer. Again, I cannot get it to load. This is asked by Yahoo Answers user Paul. Paul, who asks, Justin, are you paying attention? Yeah, bud. How long did this steep? Five minutes. Perfect. Hey, Paul, could I get a T two? No, fucking. Thank you. Hey, you get one, too. Wait, what just happened? A T two. I'm all done. Thank you. Okay. Everybody here thought you were doing a munch squad. No. Terminator two. Did anybody else here think he was about to do a munch squad? No, we were doing a terminator two. Terminator two.

No, that's it. The munch. How does munch squad go? Yes, different strength of difference. That one munch was like, yeah, okay. Yeah, I can hear it now. Yeah, yeah, I can hear it now in your head. I'm sorry. No, you can understand my confusion of, Hey, this is the worst munch squad segue ever. This is sent in by the prospecting mirror Palmer. It's asked by Yahoo Answers user Paul, who asks, hot pockets for plants. Like this should be a, this should be a fucking minion quote. You ready? Yeah. This first sentence. I can see this first sentence being said by like Kermit the Frog or something like that.

I love hot pockets and I love my plants. I want them to deal with it. I want them to experience the same culinary enjoyment I get when eating a hot pocket. Is there a four plant hot pocket equivalent? If it helps, I have a mini cactus and a succulent. Yes, that helps. Of course it helps. Yes, if you had said like a Venus fly trap, that's obvious. The answer is hot pockets, right? I don't know what a hot pocket for orchid would be. Hey, did everybody just imagine what it would look like to see a Venus fly trap just like trying to swallow off? It's very good. If you haven't imagined it yet, it's very good. Yeah, we can rule out small hot pocket. Okay. What do

plants like? I've never really been 100% sure. They like not being dead. Yes. Sunlight, nutrients, photosynthesis, bugs, to have sex on them sometimes, sometimes. Sunlight, did I say sunlight? You've also just made me think back to bees just for a second, like the beaches. Imagine if humans could only jizz if they went and got something from somewhere else and they gave back like, okay, thank God, now I can jizz. Kind of. Do we need to have a talk backstage about sunlight? Sunlight, water, dirt, dirt. That's it. Now we're talking plants, baby. But none of those are necessarily easy to hot-pacify. Yes. You can have light, like go through ice. That's not a hot box. Hot buckets aren't sausage through bread.

I mean, it's metaphorical. You're going to have to be a little more abstract, I guess, Trav. So you want to take some sunshine and wrap it around some water, like fucking the candy man. Okay, hold on. What is a hot pocket? A hot pocket is two things that human beings need, filling and bread. Yes. Hot and pocket. Yeah. So it's got filling, bread is two things that humans need to live. So for plants, it just needs to be two things that they need to live, right? Yeah, sure. Yeah. Here's what I'm saying. You get a big chunk of ice, and then you glomp a bunch of dirt around it. And then you throw it away because that doesn't, that's nothing. Big chunk of ice, glomp a bunch of dirt around it, put the plant

into a naked plant, into that on top of that plant tub, raise you as the lone plant. I was saying, I think that would work if you have a big chunk of ice around. Wait, you think it would work? How? Now, hold on, hold on. It's important. No, listen, Justin, I'm with you. Let me back you up. Okay. When you do this wild thing, you give them ice surrounded by dirt, you sit them down, and then you eat a hot pocket in front of them so they understand how to do it. That was the piece I was missing. We had plenty of the nature. I need a little bit of a nurture. You know what I mean? It was always going to be the roots. That was what we missed for all those years. Plants don't have mouths. I'm sorry. Oh, shit. The only way they can ingest plant hot pocket is with their roots,

right? So you have a big clump of ice, and you cover it in dirt, and then you put the plant in that dirt. And I think you have a plant, baby. I mean, I think that you're like, and it's in sun, obviously. The sun's not part of it. Can we have to get... Can we at least put some Italian seasoning somewhere? Yeah. Or maybe... There's nothing to say that we can't put some pepperoni in the ice. You can do fertilizer. It's like the Italian seasoning of plant. Yes, but now we're just saying, like, give the plant what it needs, but not what it craves. Not what it deserves. Yeah. What do plants eat for fun? Yeah, right? Yeah, thank you, Justin. We're so focused on what... Listen, we could have bread and water, but Maine does not live by bread and water alone, right?

We need... What that means, but go on. They need cheese and Italian seasoning in there. So I say, what's the thing that a plant's like? A tender crusty flaky flaky crust. Right. So what about just dirt in a hot pocket? I'm saying the dirt pocket... I'm saying dirt pocket is is good. It's the easier... You plant the plant in the hot pocket itself. Mine is easier than watering, because the water's in there already. You just have to wait for it to melt. Sorry, I didn't clarify it. The crust is very moist. Oh, okay. This has gotten gross. So I'm going to take a step back and say, how do we encase light? Can we just give a glow stick to a hot pocket? What is a hot pocket one? How come we have... We're so worried about what we get out of this.

What is a hot pocket? No, but when I decided to talk about how we give a hot pocket to a hot pocket, how do we give a hot pocket one last experience on earth before it is consumed? How do we make it worth it for the hot pocket? Is it fair that a hot pocket should never get to eat a hot pocket? No, that is cruel. It's cruel. We need to give the hot pocket the hot pocket experience, so it understands why it must be consumed by us. It's only fair. Two hot pockets come in a box for a reason. Hey, everybody, this is Griffin McIlroy. Thanks for listening to Mbem Bam. I hope you're enjoying it. We usually don't put up two live episodes in a row, but we all are sick and we all were super sick last week and just could not get a good recording time where one of us wasn't,

floating on that quill or had a voice that sounded like we'd been eating sandburgers or whatever. This is a live episode that we did in Philadelphia. Quick programming note, we lost about 20 minutes of our audio. We had to cut some stuff out of the middle of the show. When we come back from the ad for 15 seconds or so, it sounds weird, but then we write the ship and well, Paul righted the ship. Just want to give you a heads up. Also, I want to give you a heads up about Dylan Miscawitz because Dylan Miscawitz is a COO of Café Altura. There is this time where Dylan's having a rough time, rough time in Dylan's life because Dylan needed a director of coffee for Café Altura and just looked everywhere, looked

all up and down the street, went into the big business building, looked around, asked around, nobody, no dice, looked in the couch cushions, could not find a director of coffee. So Dylan went to zip recruiter, posted his job and found the best person for the role in just a few days. How? Well, I'm glad you asked. Zip recruiter's technology finds people with the right experience and invites them to apply for your job. It says, Hey, I know a cool party and it's happening at Café Altura and it's being thrown by Dylan and Dylan has everything you'd need at a party. Fucking bugles, juice, a job. And so the director of coffee came and was like, yep, here I am. And Dylan was so happy as four out of five employers are when they post on

zip recruiter and get a quality candidate within the first day. So right now, try zip recruiter for free at our web address, ziprecruder.com slash my brother. That's ziprecruder.com slash mybrothr. Zip recruiter, the smartest way to hire. Quick update, we are doing a candle night show this year. Yay, we're doing it in Huntington. As we always do it, invite everybody to come to our hometown and enjoy all of the hospitalities therein. I'm talking about Richard Park. I'm talking about the movie theater downtown. I'm talking about, I think there's still a Max and Irma's down there. You can see the sights, sounds and smells of the My Brother, My Brother, Me TV show. Walk the Marshall campus, I think. Maybe you're probably allowed to do.

They'll probably be on winter break, but that may be trespassing. So check on that one. Anyway, our show this year is a little bit different. We are doing it in Huntington, but we have a new venue. We're doing it at Keith Alby, which is this big, beautiful theater in downtown Huntington. We're so stoked to be doing it there. It is a much bigger venue than years past. So the exciting thing is that it will probably not sell out in like 15 seconds, which is cool. There are some things that are going to be different. First of all, it's going to be on a Saturday. It's going to be on December 21st. It's going to be sort of a pseudo matinee. The show is at 4 p.m. We're doing that so folks can get in and then get out and have time to spend in Huntington and not have

to travel late, late, late at night. So the show is going to be at 4. We're going to have some Macaroy openers, probably get you out of there around 7 or so to go hit up some tasty food spots. And yeah, the other thing at Keith Alby is its general admission. So just keep that in mind whenever you're planning your travel to get in. And yeah, I think that's it. Oh, right, tickets. If you want to get tickets, they're going to go on sale this week, Friday, November 8th, at 12 p.m. Eastern time. We will have links where you can do that on our social media channels. You can also find them at macaroy.family. So yeah, that's candlelight. We hope you come out. Oh, right, this year also all the proceeds are going to be going to Benefit Harmony House,

which is a great organization in Huntington that helps to provide permanent housing and different sort of support services to homeless folks living in Huntington. So we're really excited to be working with them this year and just excited for the show. It's always such a fun holiday treat. And yeah, hope to see you all there. Again, tickets go on sale this Friday. Or I'm sorry, that's next Friday, November 8th. I fucked that up. It's next Friday, November 8th, at 12 p.m. Eastern time. So hope to see you there. Grab them ticks. And yeah, that's it. Enjoy the rest of the episode. Bye. Hello, this is Amy Mann. And I'm Ted Leo. And we have a podcast called The Art of Process. We've been lucky enough over the past year to

talk to some of our friends and acquaintances from across the creative spectrum to find out how they actually work. And so I have to write material that makes sense and makes people laugh. I also have to think about what I'm saying to people. If I kick your ass, I'll make you famous. The fight to get LGBTQ representation in the show. We weirdly don't know as many musicians as you would expect. I really just became a political speechwriter by accident, realizing that I have accidentally pulled my pants down. Listen and subscribe at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcast. It's like if the guinea pig was complicit in helping the scientist. I got in contact with my landlord and they called an exterminator and the exterminator put out like

glue traps, which are really nasty. And so I got rid of those and I bought some live traps on Amazon. Okay. And the problem is I'm a barbarian who doesn't know what that means. So they're like mouse traps and they keep the mouse alive and then you let it go. Okay. And to bother someone else. Well, my strategy has been there's like a very, very large park near my apartment that like is not near anyone's house. The mouse will totally survive there. They're definitely well suited for this. As long as you set down hawk traps at the park, you should be. And then you move the hawk into your house. Oh no. When you, I want to hear this question for sure. When you called the landlord to say

there are mice in here, what did you think was going to happen next as a result of that conversation? I don't know. A less gross one. Okay. Let me talk to him. Can you put him on the phone? Hey, follow me boys. Okay. So, so my question is I, um, my strategy so far has been to carry the mouse trap, which is made of clear green plastic down the street to the park. And how can I continue to do this and not have to kill mice with my bare hands? Whoa. No one was saying that. No one urged that. At no point in this conversation did that come up. No, but if you, if you use like snap traps, sometimes it doesn't kill them. That's not your bare hands though. Okay. I'll stop telling you. Get him on the blue trap. No, no, no. No blue

trap. I got rid of those. No, you have a magic box. Have a little, a little plastic box. The mouse is clearly visible in the plastic box. And so I'm walking down the street with a mouse in a box. Right. And how can I do this without becoming my neighborhood mouse lady? Right. Because we've all got one. Um, my advice would be if you're trying to like hide it, right? If you try to be secret, everyone's going to be like, Ooh, what's going on? Whereas if you just walk down the street with it like on your own, look at this. I've got a mouse in a box. Everyone's like, Oh, yeah, we've all been there. The promise you need to make an example of this mouse. When you're walking into the park, just like other mouses, look at this idiot. Look at this dumb shit

that I caught. You will be next. My house is not cool for you. You will be in the box. You will look like an idiot to your friends. Get a bunch of people in monastic dress to walk behind you in a line yelling shame. I'll get the job done. And maybe like a drummer to play like a dramatic drum. I have to ask, has anyone ever seen you release one of your mini mice into this public space? Um, no one has seen me release the mouse, but they have definitely seen me carrying it. Sure. Sure. Sure. I'm more interested in the strategy you execute to make sure nobody sees you just I gotta wear no one else's that's even worse because one of these times someone's gonna find you in the empty creek bed under the bridge like are you worried at all that by making a show of

this, you're encouraging like a Danny Ocean asked mouse who's like, I'm going to be the one who survives. I'm going to get in there. I'm going to beat the system and you'll have like the ultimate mouse in your home. That's what I would worry about. I am now when you carry a mouse with your hands. How do you Griffin's leaving? Oh, he's telling Paul something. He's they're going to bring out the mouse afraid of mice. And there's a mouse for everyone. You're holding a mouse in your hand. How do you not just die? Can I can't imagine anything worse than that and you're just holding it? How do you do it? I have gloves on. Perfect. Gloves on and it's in an acrylic comb. Why does it have to be see through though? I don't want to be so you know if you caught a mouse,

what would be worse than taking an opaque container to the park and be like, go free. Oh, shit. It was just a boreable. It was my pretend mouse. I look like an asshole. I'm going home. Anyway, I'm sorry. I gathered some many people to watch the dramatic release. In hindsight, I should have done this in private. By the way, so Theresa bought this thing for our cat that's like, hey, keep your cat entertained, feed them through. And it's little plastic fake mouse that you fill with food and then you hide them so that the cat can find them and hunt. And so Travis can get the shit scared out of them. But never times I've stepped on these things and screamed. It's countless. Okay, I have a good answer. The first good answer.

Hold the box out in front of you and sprint down the street yelling, get the fuck out of the way. That's about the only normal sort of reaction to holding a mouse box I can think of. Does that help? Very much. Thank you. Thank you. Rise Lazarus approach the microphone. Hello. Hi, guys. How are you? Good. How are you? Awesome. I'm really happy to be here with all of you. I'm so sorry. My name is Stephanie. Hi, Stephanie. You have a question about scary things. This is a really good one. Yeah. So I love that. I'm Stephanie. This is my new fucking mixtape. Prepare. No, I mean, it's honestly something that's been happening for years. And honestly, my dad's been doing this. Honestly, since I was little and

unfortunately, my fiance has actually gotten like you pulled in to the mix. You have to tell us whether it is because it sounds so bad if you lean into it that way. Okay. Every night on Halloween, we play a game where one of us hides and has to escape murder. It's okay. So this is any time of the year, honestly. So my dad will actually buy these huge masks. He's actually bought like stage masks. He's into like theatrical things. He's also into those little like cheap ones like you can buy from CVS like the giant like you're crying baby faces if you've ever seen those. Okay. Yeah. So my fiance whom when Stephanie got to my dad likes to buy these huge stop right there was your brain just like, I don't know. I don't know. Usually, I'm pretty good at predictive thought, but I actually

have no idea what the next word is going to be. Oh, it's a mask. It's something steps dad has gotten the fiance into and I'm terrified. Okay, Stephanie. So yeah, Stephanie, lots of masks. So my fiance of nine years, which is crazy. He gets scared. So good. You didn't have to say that. It's good. We weren't going to look into it. You were right. This question kicks ass. Okay. So my dad will just literally at any moment, like you possible, he will scare my fiance with these masks. He will be outside like unloading the car and my dad will come around the corner as a huge baby. He screams. He freaks out. He's here, by the way. Your dad. I actually want to mention that he is also the like, you know, Dandy Klein, who has the Elton John songs

that you sang a very long time ago. Yes. So he's a hello. Yes, I see you waving. But yeah, so and he's also he recently got a like a wicked witch mask. And I just want to support him because I don't I really can't stop my dad or like, you know, change who he is or his quirks. But how do I support my fiance in this interesting situation? Listen, my dad's got quirks. My dad stood in front of you all dressed in nonsense clothes. And it was fun. It was great. That's fun. That's a quirk. What my dad doesn't do is scare Teresa all the time. Then that is something I would argue. Actionably, a way to support your fiance is to say, Hey, dad, cut that shit right the fuck out. I would like to say I appreciate that you made a joke about how

long you've been engaged for nine years. And then it's crazy. But then ask us about your dad's carrying your fiance the mask, because you know, exactly the level of problem that we are equipped to help with. You know exactly where our pay grade is. And what we should be brought on board to sort of address. It's like if you showed us like a pro baseball team, and we're like, well, we couldn't face them and said, Oh, no, no, no, you're selling hot dogs in the state. And we're like, Oh, thank you. Perfect. Okay, good. Is the scares your dad is generating more of a slow burn hereditary style, or are they more spooky jump out the box scares? Okay, to come down the stairs, and he will be reading his phone and just all all of a sudden he's right there. And he's like, Ah, you know,

you just yell at nine years, you're not ready. Yeah, thank you. I agree. Right. I just wish someone would do that for me. It just sounds like a lot of fun. You know, I think your dad must really like your fiance. I guess is to put that kind of energy into another human being, no matter what the like, the verb is to scare to come for whatever to put that kind of energy into the fiance. I think it's so nice. I think it's just a genuine level of caring about the fiance. I don't think Stephanie would be here. If the question was, yeah, my dad won't stop comforting my fiance. My dad, my dad buys these comfort masks at CBS. It just makes my fiance feels so nice and happy all the time. You don't think my dad won't stop comforting my fiance is in my brother, my brother

and me level question. Because I feel like there's an amount of time the comforting could continue. Now, Stephanie, you, I think I heard you say this. Does your dad also scare you? Yeah, but I'm honestly used to it. That's right. You're horrible. But this is not like a thing that your dad only does to your fiance. Oh, no, I thought I knew where I was going with this. Um, okay, stick with me. You're gonna have to break things off, but then listen, no, listen, there's a turn. Listen,

there's a turn. I promise you're suppressed each week later, you're like, I want you to meet my new significant other, Krav Maga expert, whoever, and they're going to do Krav Maga on your dad once. Let me ask you a question. And a lot of us tend to idolize our parents and think of them as being very, very powerful and strong. Krav Maga proof. But if someone does Krav Maga, Krav Maga, if someone does Krav Maga to your dad once, is there any danger of long term dad breakage? Anyway, it's a risk we're gonna have to take. You're obviously gonna have to dump this Krav Maga loser and get back with the hero up there.

And then I think your dad will then maybe be so confused from the brain damage he's received from Maybe that, maybe he gets Krav Maga, and then your, then Danny, the first fiance comes in, beats up Krav Maga, dude. Yes. And then everyone's, and then the dad's like, now I'm scared of you. Right. And then maybe, and Danny, plug your ears for this one. I'll wait. Okay. And maybe you don't tell Danny about this plan, so it fixes both problems because it lights a fire under. Does that, does that help? Be honest. Thank you very much.

You're welcome. We had one more over here. Yes. Rise. Hello. Hi. Hi. I'm Rebecca. Hi, Rebecca.

Rebecca, you had a question about a horse. I did. A horse transaction. Yes. My stepmom sold her horse, and I'm wondering if it's still chill for me to like go see the horse. Chill is a funny word to use there. Because that wouldn't buy that if you did this, the new owner would, without question, get it. Yeah. What I like about, if you have to ask, would it be chill if it's probably no, right? Because that's not what chill is. Chill is kind of like what we all kind of accept is fine.

And there's obviously a little bit of room here in the, in the twilight between chill and not chill or horse visiting. I don't even know if it's legal. Yeah. It's, um, somebody else bought it. You know, it's kind of fierce now. If I, if I sold my car to someone and Griffin was like, oh, I love that car. Can I still go sit in it?

Yeah. Because a horse, a horse is an emotionless machine. You fucking animal. Yeah. Because a, yeah. Because a Pontiac Grand Damn can love more than anything. No, I will say it can be free. I have real world experience with this. We adopted Lily. Right. Um, and now like a year and a half later.

That's Travis's horse. It's like, basically it is my 50 pound dog. Um, I still get texts from like the rescue group that will just randomly, like one, use the name that she does not go by anymore, which upsets me. I know she's Lily now, but two, they'll be like, how is she? Or worse to say, could you send her a picture of us, of her happy? And I'm like, With a newspaper in the background.

Okay. Okay. But then they also didn't invite me to a dog wedding. And so that kind of brought the whole thing back around. There's trade-offs for everything. I have to ask, have you already done, is it too late? No, not too late. But it's in, does it make a difference if it's like in a public place? Like the horse.

Like if the horse meets you halfway? Like if you meet the horse in Centralia, Pennsylvania? No, like it's the horse keep, like the horse's house, but it's like a bunch of horses live there. The horse's house? The horse, like, what is it called? Backup for a second. A horse house?

The paddock. I've learned a lot. Back up. The paddock is in a park. So I could like go to the park and walk through the paddock and be like, Oh, okay. So I don't know if you remember me, Jeremy. So it's in a public, okay.

I think I understand the gist of the question a little bit more. It's not like you're like kicking in somebody's like garage door and like, What's up? That's mine. Don't keep a horse in a garage. This is a public, it's not the worst place to keep it. It's a paddock that you could ostensibly just be at. And it's just like, Oh, this looks like a good horse.

Here's some letters that I wrote you. I haven't seen the film War Horse, but is this kind of what happens in it? Like, I know you're not my horse anymore. You're a war horse now. You're the war's horse now. But we can still hang out, right? Hey, can I come see my horse, the army? No.

He belongs to war. When you, when you, when there's another war, you can see them in the, the papers. The newspaper about war. Grandpa's medicine. Is that you? I didn't recognize you since all your legs are guns now. Let's get you out of here. Get back in your pen, Grandpa's medicine.

This movie, why didn't we see War Horse? This is a big kick sack. Wait a minute. There's a guy inside of War Horse driving him. You've shown me love for the first time too. Bang, bang, bang, bang. Take that, Hitler. Now you got to go fight that Kaiju.

I hesitate to ask, but does that help? Yes. Thank you. Excellent. Thank you. Thank you, everybody. If you can bring the house lights down. Okay.

They're still here. Please bring down those lights. Please, I'm getting so nervous. I'm still afraid. Don't make it go away, please. It's just me and my butt. Oh, goodbye. Stop waving.

Brigadune. Okay. Thank you so much for joining us for our podcast. I promise you that we will not wait 10 years to come to Philadelphia again. You've been so fun. Thank you. Thank you to Verizon Hall on the Kimmel Center Cultural Campus

where this show was recorded for having us. It's a beautiful venue. I cannot believe we were allowed to play here. Thank you very much. Also, thank you to Carrie Peach, who designed the poster. Oh my God, this poster is so good. Thank you to you all. Thank you to Sawbones for opening.

Yes. Thank you to Amanda and thank you to our father and thank you to Paul for all of the work you all do. And thank you to Sam. Sam hopes to arrange the shows. Yes. We wouldn't be able to do these without Sam. And thank you to John Rodgerick in the Long Winters

for these for a theme song. It's a departure of the album. I'll put it in today's to bed. We have to head up to New York tomorrow to do an unfathomable number of shows up there. So we're not going to be hanging out after the show. But I will say this. I don't have anything to say about that.

But we really do appreciate you. And I promise we won't wait very long to come back here. And we're sorry that we did in the first place. And you all are amazing. Now every week on my brother and my brother made Griffin read Ziyahu that we talk about when we're off the air. And then we come back the next week and try to answer it. Griffin, have you prepared a final?

Really think about this one. OK. It was sent in by Bronson. Thank you to Bronson. It's again, it's not going to load. So I'm going to say it was asked by Johnson who asks. If you have a tattoo and you make a clone of yourself, would the clone also have the tattoo?

Fuck. My name is Justin McElroy. I am Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This is where my brother and my brother make is your dad's square of the lips.