My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 484: Griffy Griffy Bang Bang

Episode Date: November 4, 2019

In which we realize the scope of our commitment in promising to send a horse to college, and then determine an extremely powerful and highly lucrative name for the aforementioned horse. Suggested talking points: Halloween Delay, Candy Potluck, Happy Birthday Ronald, Medicine Blintz, We’re Sending a Horse to College, Ding Dong Speed Strats, Car Expertise

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello, welcome to my brother. My brother means advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother. Justin McElroy, they call him. Ooh, I'm your middle-est brother, and apparently cool radio talk show host Travis McElroy. Around these parts, when the moon is unfold on the big bridge, you can see Griffin McElroy's

what they named him after the deaths. So it's still like I'm in a Halloween zone, but I think this episode is post-Halloween. Yeah, okay, but you know what? There's like the fourth. No, but we got an extension, because they moved Halloween in Huntington, and we're gonna have some inclement weather. Oh, so they just up and moved it. They just moved the whole damn holiday. You can't do that. You can't do that. Here's the wild thing. You can. And it's challenging, right? Because what has happened here basically is that the mayor has said there's a different holiday, there's a different day where everyone can go to a neighbor's house and ask for candy and not be killed

for it, but in fact, to be rewarded with candy. I'm just gonna pick a day where that is the way things are happening, and we're just all gonna agree on that, and it's my decision. But that allows us to peer through the veil of how flimsy this whole setup already is. Yeah. Yeah, we have arbitrarily said it's the 31st of October every year, and we've all bought into that, and that's fine, and we treat that like that's real because we've all agreed to it. So if you just say like, now it's the second, that's a problem for me because it's undoing everything. So could it be like on Christmas day, big sinkhole opens up, swallows up all of Disney World, all of it goes right into the big hole. Okay, I'm gonna need a second.

Okay. Yeah, don't imagine it too hard, Justin. Your imagination is very vivid, and this is literally the worst imaginable thing that could happen for you in your life now today. Could the president then be like, we're gonna do, no one's really feeling it today, we're gonna do Christmas later, Disney World got up by the continent. So we're gonna do, we all, we will do Christmas, we're thinking, I talked to some people, January 10th seems good. Yep. You're saying could the president, could, are you saying could this president? Because it would seem events of the past couple of years would seem to indicate he could do whatever the fuck he wants. Then we'll say and a president and president do this Christmas

day if none of us are just feeling it. This is the problem Griffin, this is what I'm worried about. Justin rip one baby, fucking shoot that shit baby. I moved it from the mic, I don't know what to tell you. Stab that idiot in the side and shock on that shit my dude, fuck yeah bro. Oh, I fucking, I want Christmas to be today because I'm feeling it now with this wild growing energy. Now we're getting into candlelight's territory is the problem, this idea of like, I just want to fucking enjoy a Coca-Cola zero vanilla flavor in peace and not be, have we talked much, okay, I know this isn't what we said, we'll talk about the other thing that we said we're going to talk about at some point during the show. Sure. We'll just bring it up when we

need a shot in the arm. Right now I want to talk about, have we talked about dad and Coke zero? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. We have to have, we have to have talked about just law of large parameters. Okay. I always feel like I'm doing a bit when I drink or refreshing Coke zero, but the thing is it does taste good. I enjoyed Coke zero. I thought you were going to say you felt like you're doing a bit because every Coke zero you drink is one dad can't have because there's only like 30 left on the planet. Right. That's true. That's what you were saying to the point where dad was up here this past weekend for BB's birthday and I found Coke zero, but only in tiny cans. I couldn't find full can size as if they said we need to make this Coke zero

last. Here's all I'm saying after daylight savings time ends, begins this weekend, this past weekend I guess. I can't, I can't ends. Okay. Once that shit ends, that's when my anxiety is like, let's party bud, time to ride, mount up regulators. And then I am, I think I'm much more spookable. I'm saying we swap Christmas day and Halloween day. Do you know what I mean? You're jumpy at that point. You're more jumpy. I'm jumpy or you can get me better on 12 25 10 31. I'm strong. I'm powerful. I have cider energy. I have hayride energy and I'm ready to celebrate the birth of the Christ child and give presents to all my good friends and some to my haters, but open it up. It's, uh, it's fake dookie. It would, okay, I want to hit you. It's fake dookie though,

Gryffin. I would point out they could reuse that. So it is kind of fair, fair, fair. Yeah. There's a lot of presents that you can get at Christmas that aren't fun at Christmas time. Yeah. Yeah. Like most of them. There's very few. The only things that are like a kite or the inverse of that are like a sled, right? Like it's just a sled. It's like, just wait a little bit. You know? Well, if you wait a little bit, that's kind of undermining my whole thing. So, but let me say, don't say this. If it was a time, what about an Australia boys? We're an international show. Down there in Australia, Santa Claus is surfing in. He's riding a surfboard and delivering presents to the kids. He's burrowing in. This is why you need a holiday that can start

whenever you want to and can celebrate anything you want it to, but it's kind of usually around the Judeo-Christian. Right. Only because it's stealing a little bit of that energy. It's easier to remember, right? It's static. It's just they're already taking care of most of the advertising. There's a lot of lights up that you can pretend are for you. Right. That's fun. But if we swapped Halloween and Christmas Day, I do want you to envision 12, 24, gather around with your family, reading some of your favorite passages. And then it's like, night, night, kids, hope you sleep tight for the special day tomorrow. And then someone comes down the chimney 11, 59 visions of sugar plums. Now it's midnight. That is a kid. That's the killer.

It's the Halloween monster. It's Jack Skellington. It's Jack. Oh, fuck, you're right. That's kind of what this whole movie is about. And this whole bit is not good. Oh, no. Oh, no. Fuck. Should we do our first question, though? Yeah, I guess. It's just like, really took the wind out of my sails right there at the last minute. I baked some salted caramel. Are you guys like caramel or caramel? Caramel? Are you asking us to read for the show or just like us? No, it's like, what do you say? Give it a few. Give it a few passes. We'll use caramel. Caramel. Caramel. Caramel. Carvel.

I think I like salted caramel. I put some James Carville brownies for clout and to make I baked some James Carville brownies for clout and to make my coworkers like me more. But when I walked in this morning, I saw someone already put a big bowl of candy in the break room. Brothers, what should I do? Should I put the brownies out today and have them possibly be overshadowed by the candy or save them until tomorrow where they'll be more specially appreciated but risk them going stale those from brownies brownies? I am obsessed with this question and I have extremely strong feelings about it. I don't think you have to worry about it being overshadowed by the candy, but it will be wrong. Try again. Incorrect. Well, it will be

shadowed by the candy. I mean, you know what I mean? Like, I think that this is why you jumped in first to bring this heat. Why are you bringing now? Well, what is what are your strong feelings and sir? I said, I had strong feelings and you're like, let me fucking say nothing for a second. Hold on, Justin. Let me give you a second. I was trying to assuage some worry. I don't know. There's no worry to be assuage. It will definitely if there's a bowl of candy and then there's someone puts out brownies and I am a third party to this. I am a passerby employee, right? In my head, I am just registering treats at this point. This is like the treat day.

Wow. Everybody brought in treats today and this person who just brought in like literally just opened a plastic bag of smarties and Snickers and upended it into a it better not be both of those. Oh, if you mix chocolate and pretty sweet, get the fuck out of here. Well, they're both in the ball. The point is like you're going to and then the other person bake delicious James Carvel brownies that they like slaved over when you go in, you're like, and you're just going to combine the two events. So basically, the candy bag person is going to get half credit for the brownies because it's part of like a uniform. It's just like a shared, it's become a potluck, basically, an event that we all chipped in for. Some of us gave candy,

some of us gave brownies, it's become a little unclear. But all we know is we had a great time. That works for everybody, but you, the person that works really hard on the brownies, the problem is, is if you bring them in second day, right? Now it's a chain of treats and people are like, ooh, candy yesterday, brownies today, can't wait to see what tomorrow is, right? And now it's like, you know, no matter which way you slice it, I would, if in this scenario, I go for candy every time instead of browning because I'm really, yeah, because my stomach, like, if I'm at work and I eat, I see basically, I can either eat like a controlled, I know what a fun size sneakers is going to do to my body. This brownie that has Cajun politician James Carville in it,

I don't know if this is probably going to be a feeling bad square. Yeah, but Griffin, your body is a whimsical contraption, and that's true of like any food you're growing. What you're saying is you know just how bad you'll feel from a Snickers. You have no idea how bad you'll feel from your weird jalopy, your griffy, griffy bang bang. Yeah, so, yeah, that's, you really took me apart there, brothers. I don't know what to say. This is the fun one so far. You have to take this to a different office and get a job there today. You don't have much time, they're becoming instalant. Maybe the instaling is occurring. One employee that has a lot of clout and you go to them and say, I made these for you. Any B-days. Any B-days to be a special anniversary, maybe a

first day celebration. Yeah, that's great. What you could also do is deliver them, hand deliver them to their desks, be the first in the office, drop them all off, like your own little Halloween Kris Kringle and you're going to want to let them know that you did make them and they're not maybe not going to have pen and paper laying around so just log on to their computers, open up a word document and just type in, you know, Derek in it and then do leave that open sort of with this brownie near the screen and that's going to get you there. Could there maybe be an accident that occurs to this bowl of candy, wink, wink? Maybe an unfortunate, oh, it'd be a shame if something, oh, where did the candy go? Oh, right in the old toilet. Oh, what an accident. All the candy flew off the table and

into the toilet. This is great. You pick up the bowl and you go out of the kitchen and you just kind of walk around all silly going like, whoa, into the bathroom and then you say, I slipped so much. Yeah, and the people are going to be mad because the candy went in the toilet and you say, it's okay. I made brownies. I made brownies. You're also a hero. Yeah. Hey, can I do a Yahoo? Oh, I love that, Griff. That's fun. This one was sent in by Emma Kant. Thank you, Emma. It's Yahoo Answers user, Ramiro, who asks, damn, Yahoo Answers got an upgrade. Yahoo Answers got a major glow up, boys. What? Oh, good. I'm just saying, they got some flat UI. They've got some nice, pleasant, sort of more round aesthetic for their interactive elements. Logo looks different. Damn, Yahoo got

a glow up, boys. I didn't know they had it in them. You are probably one of 10 human beings that would notice that. Well, it's probably all of Yahoo, right? Oh, they made it look like Reddit. Yeah, somewhat. And this is, I just didn't expect it. This would be like if you took the world's oldest person and you're like, make over time. And it's like, you probably don't need to. They're almost done here. But anyway, this is Yahoo. And it's asked by Ramiro, who asks, Happy birthday, Ronald McDonald. The clown turns 56. What would you tell him? What? What would you tell Ronald McDonald on his 56 birthday? Happy birthday, 56 big ones over the hill, you silly clown. What would you tell him,

Ronald? Ronald, happy birthday. That's an obvious, don't stop saying that. I was leading, that was like my ramp up. Okay. Okay, Ronald, happy birthday. He's got momentum. I ate your burgers. Ronald, it's me, it's me, the hamburger. I want you, no, let me try again. Yeah, and Travis is going to try again too, because his also wasn't anything. No, I ate it as hamburgers. Yeah. And no, that's got some sort of, that's got mad cheeseburger energy, but let's try again. Let's all workshop this. Let's take a second. Okay. Ronald, it's me, the burger king. I want you to know that even though I'm the king of burgers, you've never been anything to me but a special prince. And I've always felt like you are my son and I can't believe you're 56. Gosh,

what a special night. So you just want the guillotine then, huh? Because right now what you're talking about doing is impersonating royalty. And this is, and I want you to know, Justin, I love you. You're not the burger king. And this is Ronald McDonald and you're going to embarrass me if you do a skit. So I'm asking, we're going to bend the ear of the 56 year old Ronald McDonald, who's done so much for us. And not just, okay, listen, this is an opportunity. Okay, let me try, let me try, let me try, let me try. Okay, let's go. Hey, Ronald, happy birthday. How's your nuggets? Are you talking about balls, Trav? He would laugh at that. He wouldn't. He's 56. That is his, that is his, um, that's his style. Like that, that is his sense of humor. It would get him.

Oh, okay. How's your nuggets and your buns? See, I never would have picked up on that given literally every media appearance we've ever seen from Ronald McDonald. But this may be a Howie Mandel situation where you're like, oh, he's, he's fun and he's funny and he's sweet, and he's a sweet dad. And then you see a stand up and he's like, when I jerk my raw dick off, and it's like, whoa, what? Bobby's world. Thank goodness for, uh, Howie Mandel or else we wouldn't have any examples of famous people that seem nice until it turned out they weren't. I can't believe Howie's the only person that's ever happened with. All right, it's Ronald McDonald. What are we What are we saying? What are we giving him? We show up to his big office and we, we cannot come

empty handed. Okay, I got it. I got it. If you say hamburgers or any kind of fast food, Travis, go ahead. I would bring him a large tray, large silver tray covered, domed, beautiful. And I would say I brought you a special treat and then I'd lift the dome and it's the head of the hamburger. I brought him, I took him down. I got him. We got him. Me and SEAL Team Six. Yeah. It's so wild that you think Ronald is not the hamburger boss. No, the hamburger's always stealing hamburgers from Ronald. You fucking idiot. No, you fucking idiot. Think, think, think. Right. Hamburger. There is a governor. There's a government. There's a government of McDonald land, correct? Yes, there's Merrimick cheese. Merrimick cheese is the one that's mad about the

hamburger. Ronald's pulling all of the fucking strings. Right. Grimace, fry guys, shy guys, the nugget birdie birdie. They're all rolling up to Ronald. Right. Okay. He's the kingpin. He is the secret power behind the throne. Like Merrimick cheese is a cardboard cutout. He's the wizard of my husband. Yeah. So, okay. What Justin's saying is literally a hamburger on top of a suit. Yeah. Well, that's a good point. What Justin's saying Travis is that if Ronald McDonald wanted the Hamburglar dead, it would have been done decades ago. This is what I'm saying. Yes. Like, what if that you're, you're assuming a level of incompetence in the hamburger there that maybe he has been trying and the Hamburglar has been eluding Ronald for 56 years. That's fucking the

most. Can we give a little fucking credit to the Hamburglar? He has been. He's good at his job, but right. You know, maybe we've been coming at this from the wrong angle because I've been doing it as a sort of deferential. You supplicate yourself in front of this 56 year old clown to show your respect. Maybe Travis' idea is you're like, look, this is what I'm capable of. Yeah. I have, I have slain your Hamburglar and now you know what I can do. So, I'm the clown around town now. Right. So, don't disrespect me as I move in on your turf because I have slain your Hamburglar, a task that so many have proven incapable of doing over, over the years. I don't like it. I want to be nice to him. What if, what have been said this, okay, listen, I've been watching a

lot of succession. You roll up, you slap him in the face and you say, I'm ready to take the throne, dad. And he's going to respect that. He's not going to like it, right? He might not love you. He won't like it. Damn it. He's going to respect you. That part's maybe not. And then you pee on his fries. I think he'll be happy to pass it along. Yeah. Right. I want to tell you guys about some late guys. We make session. Thank you, Travis. Session is very good. I want to tell you all a few characters. We all know the classics, Ron, Hamburglar, Grammice, Mayer, McCheese. Travis briefly mentioned birdie, the early bird. I'd like you to come with me to go a little bit deeper. There are some, it won't surprise you that there have been some secondary and tertiary

characters that have strolled through the public consciousness on a one-time visit. Justin, if I may, I'm already aware of Filet-O-Fish, the sea captain. That one I know. Okay, good. Do you know about Officer Big Mac? He was the chief of police. Can you believe that? Was he also a burger-headed man? Right. We need to name the genus, the phylum of sapient beings that do have hamburgers. A burgosapien. A burgosapien. That's fantastic because it does kind of seem like the hamburger will steal the heads of these people. That is not great. He is a hamburger-head man, for sure. And I do want to, I want to send you guys this picture of, this is a playground piece that Officer Big Mac

was styled after and is basically, if you can imagine, a jail for, it's a hamburger jail for dogs that is made out of a huge hamburger head. Just google that one. What do you put in there? Kids. The Happy Meal Gang, the Happy Meal Gang is like, we're joined by the McNugget buddies. These are just like some kids that work there. But let me hit you with this. Around the time that the Shamrock Shake came out, Grimace found that he had an uncle. This uncle's name was Uncle O'Grimacy. No. That's nothing, McDonald's. Hand to God and Uncle O'Grimacy. Oh man. Here's one from Wikipedia. It says, vulture, an unnamed vulture who's spoken a monotone voice. No problems there. Seems, seems about right. Here's the last one.

This is my fucking flavor though. I am hungry. I am, it's the first name, hungry. A short-lived McDonnellan character. He died? Who was it? Sadly. He was introduced in 1998, was dropped in 2001. Self-proclaimed as the vice president of snacking. The character was a floating, fast-moving green fuzzball with orange arms and a monstrous face. What? What? And a fast-floating green fuzzball with orange arms and a monstrous face. I am hungry. Right. He's the vice president of snacking. Now, who's the president of snacking? Well, I don't know. You tell me. But he wasn't willing to take on that level of responsibility. Absolutely not. He's a very busy man. He loves his family and is mistress. He doesn't have that kind of time. Man, if we have- Before we get corrected,

I just want to say it's Captain Crook who pilots the SS Filet of Fish. Please don't yell at me. Okay, everyone. He steals Filet of Fish sandwiches just like Hamburger. Hamburger steals from the land. Captain Crook steals from the ocean. Okay. If we, if we have not in our nearly 500 episode history done this exact segment, I will shove my own shoes up my butt. I have not talked about these specific characters. Okay. We have talked about McDonald Land. It is a huge part of our childhood. It's a big part of it. Big part of it. Big part of it. I work at an office and I have run out of paid time off for the year. I was planning on faking sick in a few weeks in order to visit my significant other in another city. However, the holiday party for my very small office has

been scheduled for the day I would travel to visit her. Should I RSVP to the party to make sudden fake sickness seem more believable? Yes. Obviously. Or do I say I'm not going to save them the extra food slash money thereby casting down on my absence the next day? I mean, you know, that's from conflicted in Chicago, but you know the answer. You know the answer. This is some, this is some fold the fake permission slip shit. Like you are building on the store. You're building on the narrative of your illness. Why would he fake sick on the day that we're going to have this rad party? Linda made blintzes or whatever. Like it's about to get lit in here. Her famous blintzes. Famous blint. And he missed it. You know, those things don't like last in the fridge. You can't

just eat those on Monday. Yo, he may be dying if he's not coming to get these blintzes. I'm worried. We should go check on him. We should go check on him. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. It's the now they'll there's just a mannequin in this bed. And it's it's arm is connected to a string connected to a weight on the door. He's connected his keyboard to some kind of sound system. And it sounds like he's snoring, but he's not here. If you're to properly lie, you must lot you must act as though like even yourself does not know the truth. It must be as it must be as unto a surprise to you when you call in. Oh my, I did think I was going, but apparently I'm not. I thought I was going to

go with every fiber of my being until the last minute when it just turned out I wasn't. What? This is ridiculous. What are you going to say? No. Are you? Hey, RSVP, come to the party. Um, no. Are you worried? I might be sick. I might be sick. Are you out of your fucking mind? Linda's making the blintzes, dude. Get here. Get here. Hi Linda. I just wanted to check and make sure you were going to be there because I'm going to make a blint special for you. And you know it's a labor and financially intensive thing. And I'd hate to make a blintz if you weren't going to be there. I'm sick. It's okay. I put medicine in it. This is one of the medicine blintzes I made. You have to get more involved with this event. That's the only thing at this point

they've sensed it. You're waffling. You have to double down. You have to get more involved with the holiday party. You have to be Santa Claus. You have to volunteer to be Santa Claus. I'll bring my karaoke machine too. You have to invite your family to it. Dude, like your mom and dad. I haven't seen Derek in a while. Oh, I guess Derek might not. Oh yeah, Derek might be really sick, he said. Oh shit, I didn't hear anything. Oh boy, we should go check on Derek. Hi, I'm Mark's dad and I'm here for the party. Are you having Linda's blintzes? Mark said he's definitely, you have to fucking sell your dad down the river, guys, or find an actor to play your dad because that's another option. Okay, hold on. Okay, I've actually stumbled onto something

that I think is extremely powerful. Why don't you hire an actor? There's so many actors that would love to get a little bit of extra work. Why don't you hire an actor to play your dad and show up to the party and look for you the entire time and get increasingly like more like, I'm certain he said he was going to be there halfway through the party. You put in a call to the actor playing your dad to let them know that you had diarrhea so bad that you forgot, that you diarrheaed out the part of you that remembered about the party. You actually forgot that your dad was going to be there. You call your boss and you say, hey, I'm so, I can't make it in, but also I can't, my dad's not answering his phone. Could you please tell him I have diarrhea

so bad that I can't make it. And then have diarrhea so bad that I forgot his number and please let my dad know. I'm so sorry, but tell him to have fun. Tell him to have my blints. He can have my blints. Have a blintz on me, dad. And then it's not wasted. But wait, is this an actor or not? I've mixed up our realities. I'm going to say, if it was me, I would hire the actor to be my brother, because a father might elicit some sympathy. But like, oh, my son's not here. We're going to have a catch or whatever. But if my brother's there, and I'm not saying this isn't a goof on you guys or whatever, I'm saying if a brother is there, then it's just like, ah, this is kind of awkward, right? Like you don't feel as bad for a brother. Or maybe like a cousin who just moved to town and

didn't have plans that day. But played by a very talented, very capable actor. Indeed, yes. Which you have to have a good dad. Fuck, that could blow up in your face, though. That could blow up in your face. I don't see how, Griffin. It's like, these blinches sure are good, aren't they, Margaret? Yeah. Hey, is that fucking John Turturro over there? Okay, well, yes. Yeah, that's John Turturro. He says he's Mark's brother. Mark John related to John Turturro? I didn't think so. But here we are. If you could get John Turturro to come to the party and say that he was there to surprise you, his number one fan, and you knew he was going to be there, of course you wouldn't miss an opportunity to meet John Turturro. Listen, the Mickey Mouse

Club set this up because they was his biggest fan. This was the day they were going to spend together. And Mark wanted to spend it with John Turturro at the office party so everyone could see what good buddies they are. Why wouldn't Mark be here to hang out with John Turturro, his BFF? There's a camera crew and everything. You're going to have to hire a camera crew. He was going to let you look at the early draft for Barton Fink II, Barton Funk. And in this one, he is a session musician in a funk band. I'd see it. That says Griffin McRae. The reviews are in. I would like this movie, I bet. I'd see it. I'd buy it. I'd take it. That John Turturro's one funky customer. Let's go to the Money Zone. Justin, I've got a job. Not for me. Congratulations.

Not for me. I've got a job to give to somebody. I need to put somebody in the job that I have. What do I do? Oh, boy. Shit. It just came to me. You need to go to Zip Recruiter. Really? Hiring people is miserable. If you hire the wrong person, they might not be a person at all. Maybe a toaster. Wow. Is the egg on your face red? Luckily, there's someone who's going to keep you from hiring any appliances. What the fuck happened to that egg? Why is that egg red? What the fuck happened to it? That's why it burns so much. You have Sriracha egg on your face. I combined two idioms. It was a pork manto. Come on. Zip Recruiter is a real business. And they're going to help you find the right people. When Zip Recruiter wants to hire someone, they scream into

the sky and pray to God that there was another Zip Recruiter that could help them find people. Who helps Zip Recruiter find people? Well, we're having a lot of fun here today in the ad, but I'm assuming that they can use their own powerful matching technology to find great employees for Zip Recruiter. Four out of five employees who push for Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Holy shit. What's the result? Them's results. Right now, Zip Recruiter, you can try it for free at our web address. This is what it says in the copy, but this is not our web address. It's there. They just put our name on it. Zip Recruiter. Ziprecruiter.com. Then I'm going to redirect it.

I'm going to redirect it to my Twitter. Ziprecruiter.com slash my brother. That's Ziprecruiter.com slash M-Y-B-R-O-T-H-E-R. Zip Recruiter, the smartest way to hire. Hey, quick. Justin, you were nailing that one so bad. I want you to do the clip one too. Yeah, I'd like to see you take a pass at it. Fine. Your teeth are on strike. That's right. Your teeth are tired of the mistreatment that they've gotten from your lack of brushing, and they want you to step up your game a little bit because you're not brushing enough. And sometimes you just make brushing noises for your significant other, and we all know, we all know.

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on the dentist recommended schedule. And you don't even have to think about it. You just get new toothbrush heads in the mail. It starts at just $25 and you get your first brush head refill for free at getquip.com slash mybrother. Start brushing better right now. Go to getquipqip.com slash mybrother and get your first refill for free. We are so thrilled at your interest in attending Hieronymus Wiganstaff's School for Heroism and Villainy. Wiganstaff's beautiful campus boasts state-of-the-art facilities and instructors with real-world experience. We are also proud to say that our alumni have gone on to be professional heroes and villains in the most renowned kingdoms in the world. But of course, you are not applying to the main school, are you?

You're applying for our sidekick and henchperson annex. You will still benefit from the school's amazing campus and you'll have a lifetime of steady employment. And of course, there's no guarantee how long that lifetime will be. Join the Macroys as they return to Dungeons & Dragons with the Adventure Zone graduation every other Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever podcasts are found. We got us a job to do. We're going to send us a horse to college. Oh right, right. Hell yeah, we are. So here's the thing. We've got our horse. We picked out our boy. We found this group that we should back up a little bit. Okay, this is a Max Fun Stretch goal. Yeah, so for Max Fun Stretch goal, we hit that goal and we said we're going to send a horse to college. Did we know

what that meant when we said that? No. Nope. Nope. Nope. But we found an organization that rehabilitates horses that have maybe been in some rough situations. It's Columbia University. It does send them to Columbia, which is nice. And then it gets them ready to be adopted out by new folks who will take good care of them and love them and, you know, give them the love and attention that every horse requires. Now, we've got this boy. He's in West Virginia. He's a West Virginia boy like us. He's going to be rehab right now. He's a little underweight. They need to put some meat on those bones and he's a little rowdy. So they need to calm down this rowdy boy. And they've given us the chance to name him. We're going to pick the name, but we are going to use the money that you

donated to send the horse to college. So thank you. Thank you for that. We're just going to pick the name, but it's you fuck this up. Okay. Now, one that you guys had mentioned to me that I still think is powerful. Would that be Mr. Worldwide? Is Mr. Worldwide? Yes, that's my, that's my, I'm tossing that one and rowdy boy into the, into the hats in the hopper. Yes, they say Mr. Worldwide. I feel like if we could, because this is the thing, this is how I look at it, right? We want to get this boy adopted, right? We're going to rehabilitate him and somebody's going to be like, I love that horse. And if we could brand him as Mr. Worldwide, the pit bull of horses, that's going to be, I feel like that's good branding.

Yeah, but like, listen, I love, I love this horse so much and he'll never do anything wrong, but he, there is always the chance, you know, anybody can make a mistake and you don't want, you don't want to have like local farmers being like, God damn it, Mr. Worldwide, get out of my petunias, like that kind of thing. Wait, you don't want that? What about shadow mare? Oh, shit, shadow facts. Just take it right from Lord of the Rings. Firebrand. What about like a fantasy thing? Travis McRoy Jr. That's a pretty good one. That's interesting. What's kind of plus and minus with that? Whisper, whisper hooves, the quiet horse. Whisper, whisper, now what?

He's whisper hooves, the quiet horse. I'm not going to define this poor guy's identity with this name. It just has to be a regular name that he can feel good about, you know? Something that has just occurred to me and I am going to put my foot down on this. I am going to merchandise this horse because there's no way around that if we're paying to send this guy to college. And by the way, folks, we found out and this is where it kind of gets stopped being funny where we're blowing your cash and starts to be a little unnerving because we're blowing our cash is that he could be in college for some indeterminate amount of time. We have no idea how long this is going to take. We don't know how good a student Mr. Worldwide's

going to be necessarily. Mr. Worldwide's really good. It's going to be hard for me to get off that. I can't put Mr. Worldwide on a t-shirt and sell it to help keep him in college. What about? That's not. What about? Carrots McGinty. It feels too meamy. I mean, just like what about Carl Habsburg? Just like a regular name. Reintz Priebus. No. Too political. I'm going to Google horse name generator. I already Googled it. That's where I got some of the more intense names. That's where I got Saruman. What about Superman the horse? That can't go on a shirt. Please use your fucking brain. Super horse. Super horse is better. That's better. Probably an IP. I want to hit you

guys with some of the names this horse name generator is coming up because this gave me some wild ones. I mean, like, what am I supposed to do with flight stallion? I don't think so. I don't think flight stallion is the right fit for this one. I'm going to just get rid of Tabasco. Tabasco is not bad. Joker the horse. I don't think that gets him adopted, frankly, but Todd Phillips, Joker the horse. Do you feel good about Barton Funk? Huh. Matt Heyman. What? This is like Matt Damon, but he likes, hey, I don't think so. What about Barton Funk? What about Mr. Worldwide? Can't put that on a shirt. But it's spelled different. There's no other way to spell it. What about Webster? Webster I like. Webster is not bad.

Webster is just a horse named Webster. And like, we could do a lot of fan interpretations of Webster, although like, we can put him all over the internet, whatever. He's our horse. Not technically. It doesn't work. What about Webster Funky Tail? The last name is wild because it is a horse, bud. Yeah, but I'm saying that's what sets him apart. It doesn't need to get a fucking driver's license. That's what sets him apart. I'm not giving him a middle name, Justin. I'm not going overboard. How do you feel about Webster? And then in quotation marks, Mr. Worldwide Funk. Yes. Webster Morning, Maine. Get off. Justin, get the fuck off that website. Webster Thunderheart. No. No, I'm not on it anymore. Webster Stormstep.

Webster Worldwide. Webster Worldwide. The Worldwide Webster. The Worldwide Webster is actually, I think that's it, actually. I think we backed into Worldwide Webster, and I think it's so good. I like that a lot. I think to his friends, it's just Webster or Webby, if you're really familiar with him. Yeah. But we know Worldwide Webster is the brand. Worldwide Webster. And then like, and like his kind of like, you know, it will be the Worldwide Webster colon, the internet's horse. Right. I like that a lot. I think it's Worldwide Webster. Okay. I think it is Worldwide Webster. That's a quorum. That is settled. Worldwide Webster is the horse that we are going to be sending to college,

which is incredible. Thank you again for your very generous donations that helped us to get to that point where we feel comfortable committing to, honestly, guys, I have no idea how much, buddy. We'll see. We'll see. You can't give us more money, so it's just less money that we have. Now, if you want to follow along, if we get any updates or anything, you can head on over to WorldwideWebster.com. And if we have any information to share, we'll put it up on our website and WorldwideWebster.com. We'll just redirect there. So we'll have more information on WorldwideWebster at WorldwideWebster.com. All right. How about Yahoo? Answer. Yes. This one is sent in by Emma Kant as well. Thank you, Emma. It's an anonymous Yahoo Answers user.

I'm going to call them. WorldwideWebster asks, how can I play Ding Dong Ditch without getting caught? I need some tips on how to not get caught by the police doing this. Does anyone have any tips or advice? Is that time of year again? If you play Ding Dong Ditch and get caught, you're not playing Ding Dong Ditch. Yeah, you're playing Visiting a Stranger's House. Yeah, you're playing Ding Dong High. Let me hit you with this. Is it enough? What if you... Okay, I didn't know if this was going to be a horse name or a Ding Dong Ditch speedstrap. No, the horse name is settled. That's settled a lot. What if you could hack into their ring? If they've got... You know, these Wi-Fi doorbells are all the rage. Maybe the Ding Dong

Ditch of 2019 is to hack into someone's ring and just make it go buck and wild. Hell, yes. That's awesome, Juice. Mr. Robot. Yeah. Get in there and like, is that our doorbell, Jethany? Jethany, I think I heard the doorbell again. These neighborhood kids, but it doesn't say there's anyone out there, Jethany. What are we supposed to do with that? That's terrifying. There's nothing you can do. You're trapped. You're a prisoner. Once you've hacked their ring, there's a knock at the back door. It's you. You got your hoodie pulled up and you're like, I hacked all your sensitive files. Now you're going to help me take down the businesses. I'm looking for my Mrs. Robot and I would like very much if you would accompany me to dinner.

And then smoke's coming out of like your armpit and you're like, uh-oh, gotta go. Be right back. Here's the problem. Can I tell you guys the inherent flaw with Ding Dong Ditch? There's no win state necessarily. If my doorbell rings and I answer it and no one's there, I'm confused for a second, but I get to then disclose the door as opposed to if the doorbell, if someone's there and wants to talk to me about something, that's way more of a bummer scenario to me. If I open the door and no one's there, that's awesome. Oh, so Ding Dong Ditch is a win-win because you've done a funny prank, assuming the police don't catch you. And for me, who's been pranked by a teenager, I open the door and nobody's there. I'm like, oh, thank God. Thank Jesus.

Thank Jesus Christ, I thought for sure. I thought I'd have to talk to a human being about something. I mean, it is annoying and I'd rather we didn't, but it is also funny, which is hard. As far as pranks go, that makes it difficult. Not that bad. It's not that bad. I'd rather people do this to me than hack all my shit. Why can't we just leave Ding Dong Ditch the way it is? If you get caught, you're like, oh, darn it. Ding Dong Darn it. Ding Dong Darn it, you local tufts. Get out of town with that stuff and it's not that bad. Why do we have to make everything so hard and bad? What if you left a treat? Leave a treat. Oh, that's how the police aren't going to arrest you. You have a mini muffins with you every door that you get and you do one door

and they open the door and if they see you running around the way, they'll be like, hey, get the fuck back here. And then you're like, oh, it's random acts of kindness. I left a mini muffin there. But you're saying you left one mini muffin on the port? Is it on something? Is it in something? Yeah, Travis, it's on a plate that you're also carrying around a big stack of plates. But what I'm saying to you Griffin is if I opened the door and no human being was there, but there was one mini muffin just sitting on my bare, like floor of my porch on your bare butt. Bare butt. That's way, I'm angry right now. If I open the door and someone's nestled a mini muffin on their butt cheeks and they're laying down on their belly, I'm going to be fucking PO'd.

But you're going to be having fun and more importantly, you're going to have thought about it. And now we're having a dialogue. Now we're connecting. We're getting to meet our neighbors, a thing we don't do anymore in this cell phone age. It's so hard to meet your neighbors when your nose is down in your cell phone. Get a muffin on your butt and lay down. It's 2019, get a muffin on your butt. And get a friend during the doorbell because you're laying, again, you're laying down. You'll probably need the help of the friend to balance the muffin on your butt too. And this is a conversation. Yes. And now we're sparking ideas, creativity. You can just keep the muffin in your pocket. So it's only, you only deploy it if they catch you.

So it's like a smoke, like, oh, you got me. I was bringing you this muffin. And if they don't catch you, fuck them. They don't get the muffin. You got to catch me to get the muffin. That maybe that's the new thing for ding dong ditch is like taking in sort of more, it feels like more of a skin and navy and folklore direction, where if you catch the person, they have to give you muffins. Like a sort of beloved figure with muffins in his pockets. And if you catch him, then he has to give you one of it. You got to club him or else it's not got to take you. You have to take him clubbing. You got to take him clubbing unless he gets to the windmill first. There's a lot of rules for this tradition. Yeah, well, that's how you know it's good.

How about another question? I love that, Trev. What do you got going on? Oh, I can ask the question, I guess. Yeah, what's up? No, I just, I thought you had a question. Like, what's, what's good? No, I mean, how are you? No, that's, come on, Trev, really open up. There's no need to let down your walls. Is this because you work really hard on the question list? You want to just read the questions you found? Yeah. Recently, my boss's boss has a flat tire in our parking garage and I volunteered to help change it. Oh, then someone in our department needed their car jump. So again, I volunteered. These two events happened within the same week and I've since been labeled the car guy in the

office. A different person is looking at buying a new car and was told I was the car guy. This person asked me if I would go with him to look at cars. What do I do? I don't know anything about cars. That's for me up. It's the lug nut. This is, this is tactile. Well, yeah, I've, I've heard about this, the Honda Fit. Let me pop the engine. Yeah, they got a battery in there and it does have tires and I know where the air goes in those. So this seems like a good one. It's got a battery and tires. Hey, real quick, I just, round Robin. Okay. I want to go around the circle, send jokes out of the room for a moment. Okay. I want to go around a circle and I want you to list a thing you can do with cars that's outside of

like the normal operation of the vehicle, right? I'm talking about like a maintenance thing or an issue. If it came up, you would be able to address it confidently. I think, I think at least and the first, we'll see how quickly we run out. I used to be able like, I'm pretty confident I can check the fuses in a car. Okay. Wow. That's a fucking deep cut. I didn't think you'd, I'd have fucking click and clack on here. Okay. I can change, I can check the oil level. Yucky wiper blades. Mm hmm. Yeah. I know where like most fluids go, your air conditioner, your power steering. Damn, I think we got a car guy on our hands. No, that's it. You guys, that's about it. Travis, Travis, can you change the flat? Wait, stop. Okay. Well, Travis, name the fluids of a car for me.

All the fluids. You got power steering. You have engine coolant. You have your air conditioner, freon. You've got, Oh, that's a lot of juices. Yeah, there's a lot in there, my dude. That's a lot of juice in there. I didn't know. Car guy. I'm sure there's more than that. This is the thing is, I don't know. I just like, I had the same car for like a decade. Yeah. And I kind of learned on that car, like how to fix shit in it. Do you got one of them old skateboards that you can use to just get in and under there? No, but I've never changed my own oil, but I do know how to do it. What we've stumbled onto is not Travis's knowledge of cars, but rather Travis's confidence that in a given situation, he would be able to, I don't know,

you know, just kind of figure it out. Yeah. To be fair, that's what we're talking about. That's what we're talking about. Everything. That's me in a nutshell, but this is what I'm, this is what I want to bring back to this question, which is if all you've done is jump a car and change a tire and that got you labeled the car guy in the office, you don't need to know much more than like, if you go to the, like, if you go to the car lot with this person and say, this seems like a good car, they're not going to come back a week later and be like, you're wrong. This is a bad car. Like, you, all you, like they just, everybody just wants an adult around to make them feel comfortable. They just need somebody there that seems like

the person who's going to take responsibility for the thing if no one else knows what to do. So you don't need to know. Do you want to bring that? What? I think, here's what I would suspect. I think there are real car people in your office and they know enough to keep their fucking mouth shut. Well, yes, definitely that. I could change a tire. Okay. I can jump a car. Okay. I had a Malibu that leaked power steering fluid that I had to replace every week or else the car would stop steering. You could follow Justin's car like it was a fucking family circus cartoon just all around Huntington. I know where Justin's been. Follow the fluids. The problem is I just learned how to learn computers where like, if something breaks, I Google it and I very quickly

decide if it's a Justin kind of problem or a real person kind of problem. You know what I mean? Like, there's Justin problems where it's like, just dump this bottle of blue liquid into this hole and no problem. There's like, that's, there's those kind of problems. But then people will be like, now make sure, here's like, oh, like if we're talking about home repair stuff, right? If I see the phrase like, make sure to shut off the surger breaker so you don't die. It's fine. There's a switch. You flip it and then you just have to go down to the breaker box and flip the switch so you don't die. No, thank you. I'm very fine. Thanks. Thank you very much. I went to that happened in my house where I killed the breaker to the room that like I was working

and I went to do it and a spark shot out of it. And then I was like, oh, no, that's done. I'm never working on my home because like, apparently it was connected to a breaker for a room halfway across the house for some reason. And I was like, you paid someone to die for you. Yeah. Cool. I brought in an adult who said I actually know how not to die here. Who's time had come. Um, hey, we've talked for a long time without even the thought entering our minds of just speak up and say, oh, I'm actually, I'm not super knowledgeable about cars. I just know how to change the tire. Yes. That's probably funny though. It's a comedy show. I know, but you sent jokes out of the room and you never brought them back. You did never bring them back. So let's

today I've got some good insurance tips for you. You need to insure your bones because medical insurance doesn't cover those. Thank you. I keep saying it. No one's listening. No one's listening to me. Get flood insurance for your local river. People won't tell you that. I'm here to tell you that. Now, was that flood insurance to protect you from the river or if the river floods you get money? It's if for the river's benefit. Support your rivers. Travis, did you have some thing you were about to say? I was going to go to the end of the episode and do some announcements. We're there, baby. We're there. Look around you. I removed the blindfold. So first, the new arc of the adventure zone has begun. Adventure zone

graduation. It's out now. Go listen to it and enjoy. Tell a friend. Even if you've never listened to the adventure zone, this is a fantastic time. We've only had like four opportunities like this. This is the time to jump on because it will be completely from scratch. Yes, brand new story, brand new characters, brand new worlds. You don't have to have listened to a single episode before now. But if you are a fan of previous seasons, the book, the book three pre-orders for the adventure zone graphic novel pedal to the metal, pedals to the metal is available now. It will be coming out in July, but why wait till then? Go ahead and get your pre-order now so you don't have to worry about it. Go to theadventurezonecomic.com. Coming up this weekend, we're going to be doing

our makeup Orlando show. So be sure to send in your questions for that. And I believe there are some tickets still available for that. So if you want to come go to macaroy.family, click on tours, you can get tickets there. You can also get tickets for our upcoming Milwaukee show. The Chicago and Minneapolis shows are all sold out, but there are still tickets available for the Milwaukee show as well as maybe there's still tickets available for the candle night show. There will be because that goes on sale the 8th, November 8th. We haven't even talked about that on the show. Yeah, we did last week. Oh, we did. That's right. I remember now. I mean, I talked about it because it was a live show. But yeah, they go on sale this Friday, which is also y'all's

birthday. Yay. That show is never, ever not sold out. Please don't sleep on those tickets. It's a bigger venue and it's general admission, but please don't sleep on that because we want everybody to come. It's going to be a fucking party. I believe they go on sale 12.30 Eastern time. No, 12 p.m. Eastern time, November 8th, candle night tickets available. You can check our Twitter at macaroyfamily or macaroy.family to use for the links. And thanks to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. You can go to maximumfun.org, check out all the great shows there, shows like The Art of Process or Mission to Zix or, you know, whatever, just click on some shit. And how about that final? Yeah, baby. Finally, I was sent in by Freddy. Thanks,

Freddy. See how he answers user Crawlord'em who asks. Crawlord'em. Yep. Oh, wait, it might be Crowlord'em. Anyway, sure. Do I legally own my baby teeth? I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. He's been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad. Square on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported. I listen to reading glasses because Brea and Mallory have great tips. You're a comics reader and you want to use a library connected app. You can try out Hoopla. I listen for the author interviews. I'm mad at myself that I waited as long as I did to start

reading Joan Didion. They give me reading advice. I didn't even know I needed it. If you go in person to an event and go up to an author or a filmmaker or anybody and tell them what you don't like about their work, you're a trash baby. Look, I understand you didn't like Hero Season 3. That's fine. I don't actually need to know that information. I'm Brea Grant and I'm Mallory O'Mara. We're reading glasses and we solve all your bookish problems every Thursday on Maximumfun.