My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 489: The Clean Saloon

Episode Date: December 10, 2019

Well, it finally happened. We got bit by the Broadway bug. Time to raise our anchors and set sail toward the warm, inviting waters of professional musical theater. Don’t try and change our minds — we have become Daddy Warbucks, and Daddy Warbucks don’t podcast. Suggested talking points: Broadway Babies, Drinking Horn, Laserking, Fakin’ It, Pocket Watch Counterweight, Hats off to Christmas, A Good 9 and a Half, Peanuts on the Floor

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, and welcome to My Brother, My Brother Me. It's another opening, another show. I'm Justin McElroy, and I'm your oldest brother. I'm Travis McElroy, and I'm living for this limelight, and I'm your middleest brother. And I'm a Broadway baby, coming down to walk the streets, check out my baby feet, I'll be in the show.

Anyway, I'm Griffin McElroy, I'm a Broadway baby, and it's time. Boys, the calling has harkened once again, the clarion calls calling us back up to the big stage, isn't it boys? Yeah, I tried. I tried to walk away, but that old phantom of the opera is pulling me back in. That fucking phantom's got the lasso. Sing to me. We've been watching this show on-core on the Disney Plus network, it's on TV. It's the one with Baby Yoda in it, maybe you've seen this green guy, everyone loves him, and in it they make old people. There's just no way. There's no way to talk about it without using pejoratives, but they're not young folks,

but they used to- No. And when they were- They used to be, thank you, Griffin, you're about to say that, but that's a good point. Let's not gloss over that. When they were that, they did high school theater productions of Oklahoma, of Annie, get your gun, of whatever, and now Disney and Kristen Bell, Kristen Bell has a gun. Kristen Bell's complicit, 1,000%. She's holding the gun and she says, hey, older folks, now you're going to go do Annie again. And Annie from Annie is like, I'm 45. I can't sing.

This guy can't be a character whose first name is Daddy, because he's an adult and he runs a Brazilian jujitsu dojo here in town, so he can't do that. Griffin has twice now mentioned that they are older folks, and the thing is, that's not us. That's not a judgment call on us. It is the whole point of the show that these are people who are at least two decades removed from high school doing- And they used to be young and they get a high school musical, not high school musical, but a musical in high school. No, musical high school has its own show over there. High school musical has high school musical, the musical, musical, high school,

and that's a different thing on Disney+. This is encore where Kristen Bell, at gunpoint, forces adults to revive shows in like five days that they did his teens. Now, why do I say at gunpoint? That's not just me writing fan fiction. It is unfathomable to me. I don't care if Princess Anna showed up in her Rolls Royce and said, get in the car, we're doing Wizard of Oz again. I don't give a shit. No. No, absolutely not. For TV? Are you fucking with me? Not for a prize. Not for a prize. This isn't a competition.

You don't win. Fuck all. This is a show, and I say this. No, I don't say it with love. This is a show that trades on burned out stars. It trades on adult sadness, because the point of the show is, wouldn't it be great to relive your glory days of Annie get your gun from high school? And people are like, yes, please, I will leave my job for a week. I will, like, ignore my children so that I can remount my high school production of your good man, Charlie Brown, or whatever. It's unfathomable.

There's a couple that broke up, and the young woman and the couple, her name in high school was Amy AMY, and she dated this guy who said it would be kind of cute and funny if she changed the spelling to A-M-E-I-G-H. That is on her medical diploma, because she's an OBGYN who now goes by that name, but that guy in high school gave her PS, not over it in any way, shape, or form. They're back in the mix, back in the show, living in the limelight again. It's so deep, it's so stink again, and she tells the director the story, and the director, sweet director, sweet Broadway director, has to be like, oh, well, that's a, he must have really left an impact. Oh, no.

This boy has Broadway sparkles in his eyes again. Gotta get on this show. I will gladly kneel before Kristen Bell and give my life up under her hands, and, you know, I'll be- What show, what show, Griffin, would you want to- Well, I still remember all the, I still remember all the fucking colors in Joseph's super jacket. Oh, really? Because I was in that show, and I can't remember a goddamn one. I couldn't remember them then. Well, Travis, it's red and blue and yellow and green and blue, and indigo and violet, and- I think ochre was in there. And ochre, ochre, ochre, ochre, ochre, ochre, What is so much of it, ochre? There's a big ochre patch right in the middle.

Ochre. Speaking of ochre, I think it would be fun if I was like, hey, Kristen, I want to do Shrek again, where I got to play Shrek, and she'd be like, is that true? Shrek, again, is the movie about when Shrek dies, and they send her back to Earth to be Shrek, one more time. I love that flick. You know what I dream out? I'd remount the time my high school drama teacher made us do an episode of friends for a drama project. Yeah, I'd like to see that, I think. I think I'd remount that.

Or maybe the same teacher in the same class made us do an episode of Will and Grace as a drama project. That might be a good one. Are you doing a pre-sale on tickets, Travis? Because I do not want to miss this. Or I could do that time I did a monologue based on cut together parts from Fight Club.

Oh, Travis, I need to be in the front row for, I need to be in the splash zone for that one, please. So go ahead and snag me a couple comps. You got it. Have you ever wondered what the rules of Fight Club are? Wonder no more. I would probably remount that time that I did a staged lip-sync to Sweet Home Alabama

while wearing a flannel shirt and with a little bendal over my shoulder with a cardboard sign that said, next stop Alabama. And I think I would remount that powerful, that powerful track from the written and directed by Forrest Gump from the hit soundtrack, Forrest Gump. And I would love to remount that thing

where I paced back and forth on stage for three minutes with my fucking format. Just, I didn't, hey, and also was in high school, didn't understand literally anything I was saying. Neil who? No idea. Water what? Can't imagine.

No clue. Very good, very good. Anyway, this is the last episode. We're all about to go Broadway babies. So let's send them out in style. That's great. I'm ready. Are you guys ready?

I'm ready. I've become a great lover of craft breweries over the years. And with this interest, I've collected some really neat drinkware to enjoy my fancy beers. I have even recently gotten a job at a shop that sells drinking horns, pewter tankards, and every manner of beer glass.

My question is, how do she is it if I bring my own cool drink where to other people's houses for me to use? I feel silly drinking from a horn and skull mug at home as if I'm putting on a show for myself. Would my host think that their glasses aren't good enough for me? I just want to use my fun cups. I am in my mid-20s and a female, ailing in Austin.

Interesting. OK. If you feel silly doing it at home, my rule of thumb for most of them, if you feel like a real goober at home, that's not going to be reduced by doing it in front of other people. Because when you're in front of other people, it's like being alone, but there's other with an audience.

Yeah, I guess, Griffin. But that doesn't hold true of things like, say, I don't know, karaoke, which would be, I think, weird to do by yourself and totally acceptable to do with friends or, say, a conversation or a ping-pong. There's lots of things that if you do by yourself, it's OK to feel silly. I, opening Christmas presents, I listen, listen.

This person is hovering in between. They're both aware and unaware at the exact same moment. It's a quantum impossibility. Listen to this bit. I feel silly drinking from a horn skull at home as if I'm putting on a show for myself. OK, interesting. Let's stop for a second.

Let's pick up stakes. Kristen Bell shows up, get in the car. We're taking this show to your friend's house. See, if you do it for other people, then you're putting on a show for them. It is a show about this cool cup that you have. Yes, this is true, Justin, because this let's scale this back.

And instead of saying a horned mug, let's just say a fun coffee mug that you picked up, a novelty coffee mug. As soon as you start walking it around, say, an office, trying to get people to notice how interesting your mug is, now it's an issue, right? But if you just have a fun mug that makes you happy that you drink out of, that's fine, right?

Let's OK. We're going to get lost if we go step by step through every imaginable drinking apparatus. I think we can all agree on bringing your own drinkware to someone else's house. It's pretty fucking wild. Yeah, you can't do that. You can't do that.

Because that would not extend to anything. I brought my own chair. Like, no, you go to the person's house. I would appreciate that. Actually, that would be nice. Well, maybe if they ask you to bring a folding chair, like if it's an outdoor thing. But you come to the house, you use the thing.

Here's what I would suggest. Have people over to your house where your fun drinkware is, where a fun drinkware party and get used to the idea that this fun drinkware is practical, is usable, is something everyone can enjoy. Or I think you're going to be thrilled, by the way, that your relationship with this drinkware changes when you have to stand over the fucking sink

for an hour washing all of my hands. Because none of us gets to wash it safe. This horn is fun. Fucking get my arm. Get my little scrub daddy in there for 20 minutes, getting all the nooks and grannies in the cornucopia. You could also, when you're over at your friend's house, just keep dropping glasses, shattering them.

And then you say, these glasses aren't horn shaped. The horn shape is designed. I thought you were going to say these special glasses until you have no choice but to say, listen, I have cool drinkware at home. I'll be right back. Oh shit, I dropped my glasses. I thought you were going to say too.

I dropped my glass sideways really hard into all your other glasses. So now it's time for the horns. Oh, you could just bring your own horn to the party, but don't use it, but tuck it in the back of their drinkware cabinet. And then the next time you go to their party, you say, oh, I'll just use this glass

and pull it out from the back of their cabinet. And they'll say, I don't remember that being ours, but it is in our cabinet, so go for it. Yo, if somebody's over at my house and they pull out a drinking horn from a secret cupboard in my kitchen, I will swat it out of their hand because it's almost certainly some sort of demon's curse.

Oh, that's true. And you cannot convince me otherwise. Hey, how about a yahoo? Yahoo? Yeah, I got one here. It was sent in by the prospector Merritt Palmer. Thank you. It's an anonymous yahoo answers user.

I'm going to call them Puma, where are my pumas? That's sick. Not my shoes. Anyway, Puma asks, how to win every time, no matter what, on chess? I'm tired of getting checkmated. The game would be so much more fun for me if I was able to win no matter what move my opponent makes.

The possibility of me getting checkmated makes the game super boring, but knowing how to win no matter what will make it fun for me. Well, I'm gonna give away my big secrets here. Okay, okay, listen. I have never lost a chance. Hold on, let me do the Travis Chess Corner theme.

Thank you. One second. Tonight with Travis and you'll be good at chess. He's got the moves and he'll show them to you. Thank you. He's a special chess master like Bobby Fisher. And if you watch out, then he'll fish you too. Cincinnati, Midwestern City.

Oh, sorry, go ahead, Tre. So I've never lost a chess ever in my life. And do you know why? Because I don't worry about winning or losing. I worry about intimidation. Because if you intimidate the other person, you'll never lose, even if they beat you, right? Because you might, the pieces on the board

might tell one story, but the experience is gonna tell another. They won't remember who took who's king, but they'll remember that you were pretty scary there at the table and they're not gonna wanna mess with you again. That's how I win at chess. It's something I took in.

Talking, of course, not of the ending, but of the victory of playing a beautiful game. Indeed, Justin. Indeed. Indeed, a beautiful chess. When you move the knight and the other person says, ah, yes, I had hoped you would. And no one cares whose knight they are.

It is a dance at that point, black and white, intermingling in what we in the chess industry call the beautiful game. Indeed. Indeed, and maybe you knocked the board over. You could also flip that shit. That's not. You flip the board and you yell, the game's over, I win.

Maybe, while you stab a big pin in their leg. I've destroyed the beautiful game. It was too beautiful. And I also think I might've gotten you in the tendon. Are you okay? I got you in the tendon, but it was worth it to witness my destruction of the beautiful game. And then you eat, maybe not the king,

cause that's two on the nose, but like a bishop, eat a bishop. It's all about if you really wanna win every time. There's no. Every time. There's no rule baked in to the chess like bylaws, as like if on a tournament level, you're gonna have a hard time.

If you go up against, you know, Magnus or whatever the hell that guy's name is, you're gonna, you're probably not gonna do good. But against any other Joe Schmo off the street, if you're, you can do a monopoly style, baby. This is laser king. This is laser king. What's that?

Oh, that's how we play it in my house. Laser king? And also, you're gonna have a hard time believing this, but there is no rule in the book that says that a dog can't play chess. So you could do that, you could have them challenge your dog and then say, oh, well, it plays by dog rules. Yeah, when you start losing, have your golden retriever,

papal, run over and bite, take their king with their mouth. And you say, oh, game, game set match. Cause it doesn't say in the rules that, hey, respect my dog. Yeah. Shoot a rubber band at their, at their queen. Yes. And if you get her, that's it.

That's it. Maybe seduce their queen. Oh, I like that. Yeah. Oh, dude. It doesn't always have to be violent, you know? Sometimes it can be the beautiful game of seduction. You're down some points.

Read your pawn from the Bible. It turns into a bishop. It evolves like a Pokemon. Yep. Get your pawn a horse, boom. That's a knight, baby. Take another one, take a knight to the iron church or the gymnasium, have them pump some iron.

Now they're a fucking rook, baby. And maybe they get checkmate and they do you in dirty and they're like, you have lost the game. And you're like, uh-oh, look over there. And your queen and a, and a bishop are boning down. And now that's the king. Right. Oh, when they take your king, say, oh, Joe's on you.

This is a matriarchy. And then your queen zips in. Oh, that's good. And your king kills their king. They take out your queen. You reveal that one of your pawns is the queen. It's a Padme situation. Yes.

Each shit. Padme. Yes, they take your king and you have them arrested because killing kings is illegal. You can't kill kings. That's called assassination, my friends. And it will not be allowed. It's the year of our Lord 2019.

You can't just kill a king and get away with it. You're going to the Hague. That's a, that is a good, this won't help you win necessarily, but when someone gets you in checkmate, what they're saying, this, you know, shamot, right? It comes from the person, the king is helpless.

So the, what they're saying is, that's it. I've trapped your king. I think you should be like, come on, motherfucker. Yeah. If you think you're so fucking tough, let's do, fucking, you say the king is helpless. Let's fucking see. You don't know my king.

Yeah, right. You don't know what he's capable of. I've got the fucking Stallone. This is the first blood king. He's taken all your dudes. If you think the king is helpless, shamot, come on, motherfucker, let's go. You should just put, take a finger,

place it on top of your king. Push him down real hard. Real hard. Until he burrows below the board. Yes. Oh, did you have him trapped? Or was there an escape tunnel? By the way, this isn't even the king.

It's a Padme situation. Nice. It's 2019. Have him airlifted out. Oh, he's trapped. Okay. Well, he calls in his air force cause he's a fucking king. And it's gonna, get him over here to safety.

And now he's surrounded by a secret service. When I was in, I have another question here. When I was in fifth grade, I fell down the bleachers at morning assembly. Oh man. I was afraid of people laughing at me. So when I got to the bottom, I pretended that I was dead. Oh man.

This worked. The kids did not laugh at me. But then I had to go to the hospital and get many tests taken. Oh my God. I never told my family the truth. And to this day, they believe that I have a serious fainting issue. And it is now and forever listed in my medical history.

Oh my God. How can I come clean and tell my family that I faked my own death to avoid embarrassment? That's Lauren from Kentucky. Oh, Lauren. This is a lot, Lauren. That's a lot, Lauren. That's a whole heck of a lot.

My brothers might disagree with me, Lauren, but you're in too deep. Now, why have you waited this long to come clean? You can't come clean now. You're in too deep. Why would you come clean now? Oh, cause the guilt? You flipped it for this long?

You gotta just, Lauren. No, this is a very, very high stakes boy who cried wolf situation where one, you know, what if you beef it? And they're like, oh, that's just Lauren fainting again. Yeah. What if you'd have an actual fainting? Then they're just gonna leave you there.

What? Wait, hold on, boys. If they believe, if Lauren's family believes Lauren has a fainting condition and then Lauren faints, you think they're gonna go, that's just Lauren being Lauren and leave Lauren fainting on the ground? I guess.

No, that's a, I mean, that's a fair point. I'll probably carry Lauren to safety. Oh, Lauren. Well, she just faints sometimes. Lauren, this is rough stuff. You gotta say something. You gotta get this one done, Lauren. Don't listen to us do this thing.

Stand up and stand in your truth and say, cause it'll, maybe for them, it'll be a funny story. Unless they have had to, you know, unless they have catered to you in some sort of special way for your entire life, which I, you know, I hope is not the situation. Carry pillows around you all the time. Yeah, that would not be ideal.

I think you gotta get out in front of, well, not in front of, on top of this one. You should stand up at the next family gathering and say, hello everyone, I have big news. I cured my fainting disorder by eating organically. Yes. Amazingly enough, by eating only organic foods, I cured my fainting issue.

And I would like to do a sort of a speaking tour about it. I guess that kind of gets even deeper in the line, doesn't it? Yeah, it does juice. That's kind of just another layer. Cause then you gotta eat organically all the time. It's even worse. Hey, Lauren, I just saw you eat a Twinkie.

Are you gonna be okay? Travis, you on us in the weird, when I was thinking of the next step of that joke, Twinkie was gonna be my food as well. That's like the least, I guess that's the least organic, is that, I guess? Yes, I would say so. I think the plastic that wraps the Twinkie

is more organic than the Twinkie itself. But listen, if the makers of Twinkie are listening, I do love them. Yeah, huge fans over here. Know thyself, you know? Lauren, take their asses to Applebee's and just say it, because it's rough stuff. I like, this is one of a subcategory of questions

I always enjoy, which is questions where the subtext is, my family and anyone who knows me will never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever listen to your podcast. Cause there's no way, there's no way someone's listen to this and they're like, a Lauren from Kentucky that fainted on the bleachers in fifth grade and almost died. There's no way that there is another one of those.

So you're basically also saying, you've limited yourself as a point of origin for sharing this show. You'll never be able to show this show to your family. And that's really the bigger tragedy if you think about it. How about another yahoo? Yeah, I'd like that, Trav, thanks. Oh, you're Griffin.

Wow. When it just happened. I just did the wrong one. I did the wrong one. You said the wrong dang one of us. Didn't you? Oh boy, I get, there's a lot of you guys. That's fair.

Whenever someone is in Huntington that has not, that is not like a close friend of the family, I always know because when they call it to greet me, they're like, Mr. Macaroy. Oh yeah. It's like, I'll fuck you. Say it, say my name, say my first name, say which one I am.

Say which one I am. Jareth. Michelle sent this one in thanks. It's from yahoo answers user Jordan who asks, is there a not weird way to wear a pocket watch with modern day casual clothes? I prefer to be always wearing a t-shirt and will never be seen in casual attire in public

without a full zip hoodie even in the summer and I wanna wear this really cool pocket watch I have. Any ideas that don't look weird or make anyone conversing with me think, well, look at this weirdo or something of that nature. Hanging off the zipper. That could be a look, right? Yeah, Justin.

The zipper of the jacket? Yeah, yeah. If you attach it directly to your hoodie zipper, is that something? Well, yeah, and then when it's zipped all the way up, depending on the length of the chain, maybe it's just like. Replace the string that tightens the hood with the chain.

That would be a look, right? That would mean something. It would be something. It would be something. The problem is Justin, you would need either a second pocket watch or some sort of counterweight, some sort of ballast to keep the chain

from being just ripped from the hoodie. And maybe this is good. This is our all day carry. And this, Justin's just opened up a lot of exciting cargo opportunities, some very exciting sort of Death Stranding play we can get into right here. On one side of my hoodie chain,

I've got my pocket watch, of course, because I don't wanna be late for any of my appointments. Plus, you never know who you have to hypnotize. Exactly, hanging from the other side, perfectly weighs exactly as much as my pocket watch. I could have a, you know, a gigapet. I could have a, you know, a phone battery. I could have some lifesavers.

A sandwich. Sandwich would be, I think it's gotta be fairly non-perishable. Big knife? A big knife, Travis, that's cool. Sheaths are unsheathed. A loose, a loose, a loose swing of knife. And when you were walking in a room, you'd say,

it's cutting time. It's cutting time. Let me check my watch. Yeah, it's cutting time. It's cutting time. I love questions that have fun jump-offs for improvisation. Right now, is our bit just naming things that weigh about as much as a pocket watch?

Cause I feel like we could be on this merry ground for quite some time. Maybe just keep the pocket, don't attach the chain to anything. Put it in your pocket, loose. And then if you need to look at the time, you grab the end of the chain and you slowly draw it out of your pocket,

then you hold it up in front of your face, you look at it, then you put the whole thing back in your pocket. Make it a show. Make it a thing. Leave it loose in your pocket with your keys and wallet and just wait until you go through a metal detector. Hold on.

I have three other pocket watches in each pocket. You have anything else metal? I mean, are pocket watches metal? Oh, I got a few of those. Wait, is this one, what about this one? Is metal the hard stuff from trees or I can't even remember. Is that the cave stuff or is it the tree stuff?

Let's take a quick break. Oh, sorry. Did you have another joke about things that weigh as much as pocket watches? Another pocket watch. Oh, account, a compass. Okay. Yeah. Now let's go money's in.

The compass thing really landed. On the lead diameter. Our first sponsor this week is Squarespace. If you have a big idea, don't sit on it. Don't keep it in your heart. Get it out there into the world. Oh, sorry. I sat on my big idea unless it could hurt other people.

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And I feel like it didn't get enough attention. So I just wanted to drop that in here in the episode. Another segment of Travis's goose that didn't land on Travis's second hand goof shelter. Hey, this is a gently used goof. For 25 cents a day, you can adopt one of Travis's failed Twitter goofs.

Keep it out of the rain and storm of not being especially good. I figure if I broaden the audience, I'll find the target. I wanna tell you about quip. What you got in that mouth? Teeth, tongue, the tip of the lips. Nope, that's outside of the mouth.

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And if you have bad brushing habits, what? With your plaque, if you've got little bugs in there, little, if you've got dirt and sticks in your teeth, then quip is gonna help you get good brushing habits in the new year. Or probably, if you have dirt and bugs, probably start immediately. Anyway, it's a thoughtful and practical gift.

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Getquip.com slash my brother. Hey, if you like your podcast to be focused and well researched and your podcast hosts to be uncharismatic, unhorny strangers who have no interest in horses, then this is not the podcast for you. Again, what's your deal? I'm Emily.

I'm Lisa. Our show's called Baby Geniuses. And its hosts are horny adult idiots. We discover weird Wikipedia pages every episode. We discuss institutional misogyny. We ask each other the dumbest questions and our listeners won't stop sending us pictures of their butts.

We haven't asked them to stop, but they also aren't stopping. Join us on Baby Geniuses. Every other week on MaximumFun.org. Can I do where I'll the show the special segment? Yeah. I need complete silence. Come and sit with me now in the candlelight.

Yeah, this Christmas we're gonna do right. Hang some lights on the tree. Yeah, that's a Christmas to me. Put your arm around the fire. Yeah, I don't want any more nods. Yeah, you're calling me a liar. But I'm gonna go out for a jog. That's a Christmas to me.

You and me and her and a tree. Yeah, that's a Christmas to me. So this is my new segment. That's a Christmas to me. Thank you to Adam Sakiyama for that lovely orchestration. This is That's a Christmas to me. A haunting segment that I'm looking forward

to sharing with you guys. I can't. I can't. I can't. I'm looking forward to sharing with you guys. I can't wait. I need something to fill me with the frickin' spirit. Here's the way this game works.

I'm going to read to you three hallmark Christmas movies, synopses, casts, titles. Two of them are real films. One of them comes from my mind's eye. Now, for anyone, maybe this is your first time hearing the segment, but Griffin and I have historically been very bad at this game. Or, one could argue, I am very good. OK.

And by I, I mean... Sydney. My wife Sydney. And also, to a lesser extent, me. Here we go. A charming Christmas. Tiffany, Lori Loughlin, has made a name for herself, crafting the most intricate and sought-after holiday-themed charms

at the Carlsberg Bracelet Company. When Mr. Carlsberg decides to move on, Tiffany assumes she'll move into the top spot. That is until David, Gabriel Hogan, is brought on to modernize Carlsberg's operations by mass-producing the charms that companies have been hand-making for over a century. David is tasked with learning Tiffany's craft, which he realizes may be harder to replicate than he first thought.

As the deadline for Christmas production looms and sparks fly, the pair realize there may be a way forward they never anticipated, but for the company and each other. Damn, that's good. It's called a charming Christmas. That's very good. Hats off to Christmas. Mia Haley Duff, the loyal and hard-working manager

of her small town's Christmas hat shop. Her small town's Christmas hat shop is blindsided when her boss of over 10 years asked her to train his son Nick Antonio Cupo for a vacant upper management position that Mia had been coveting. Though Nick is a handsome, successful New York business consultant, Mia finds training him frustrating until Nick takes an interest in Mia's son Scotty, Sean Michael Kyer,

helping Scotty with a pumpkin carving contest. However, Mia's faith in Nick quickly diminishes... A pumpkin carving contest? A pumpkin carving contest? Quickly diminishes when Nick fails to show up at the contest. To protect her son from further disappointment, Mia tries to keep Nick out of her and Scotty's fragile life, and Nick must decide if staying in the small town of Wilsonville

is worth giving up the big city perks he once had in New York. As Mia struggles to find a way to convince Scotty to return to physical therapy so he can walk again, she soon realizes that Nick may be the Christmas miracle she has been waiting for. That is called hats off to Christmas. Oh, wow. That's for sure.

I think the world of you and Sidney, that one's real because your two mind's eyes are not capable of generating something like that. I agree with that. From the start, you say Haley Duff, and immediately I'm like, that's not a Justin Sidney poll. That's earth. That's life did that to us.

Best Christmas party ever. Jeannie Stanton, Tori DeVito, throws the best Christmas parties every year for her company, Petra's Parties. Things are a little different this year as Petra is retiring and looks to the next generation to take over. Jeannie thinks that she has her new job in the bag until Petra's charismatic nephew, Nick, Steve Lund,

shows up a seasonal help and his natural talent and confidence clashes with Jeannie's team, stern work ethic, and traditional values. The pair battle it out for the top job with unmistakable chemistry and symmetry, but when the new owners of the legendary Terrell's Toys put the bottom line before Christmas spirit, threatening to pull the plug on Terrell's Toys'

annual Christmas party for the community, Jeannie and Nick are forced to work together to throw the greatest Christmas party ever. The first and third movies are the same movie. They're all three the same movie. They're all three about a talented woman being displaced by an unqualified man. And by all three, we mean literally every movie

on the Hallmark service. Yes, well, yes. Well, there's time travel ones, too. Yeah, you're right. I have my answer. To remind you, the titles are A Charming Christmas, Hats Off to Christmas, and Best Christmas Party Ever.

I will count to three and then you two will both say the title of the fake film. One, two, three. A Charming Christmas. Oh boy. Continuing his streak, Griffin McElroy, you have done it. A Charming Christmas is a fake film.

King of games. Fake film, Best Christmas Party Ever is real and Hats Off to Christmas is incredibly real. Hey, Hats Off to Christmas, you can't have a pumpkin carving contest in the fucking shit. As a... I almost cut it.

This is honest to God, I almost didn't include it in the synopsis because it's like, well, they'll fucking know. I mean, I know not to do that, but they didn't know not to do that. You can't six sentences then be like, oh, by the way, the kid might never walk again and this dude didn't show up for his pumpkin carving contest.

Like, okay. Maybe the guy thought it was a joke. No, it's December. If you're kidding, it's December. There's no way there's a pumpkin carving contest. Everything's snow now, what are you talking about? I literally couldn't buy a pumpkin now if I wanted to know where I could not buy a pumpkin.

Did you get a bunch and save them for two months? No, they're all soft and gushy. The perfect time to carve them. They're really easy to carve. Thank you, Justin, for this gift and thank you, Sydney. It's a kind gift. How about another question? Is that where we're leaning?

This is one of the drawing professors that's really, really into crocs. He wears crocs in the class and has an Instagram dedicated to showcasing different crocs slash croc-related memes. As a thank you present at the end of the semester, our class has contemplated purchasing a pair of white crocs, signing our names in permanent marker,

and presenting them as a gift. That's nice. However, none of us know what shoe size he wears. What's a non-creepy way to find someone shoe size without also obviously revealing that they're about to buy them plastic shoes? And that's from Covert Crocs in Kansas. We will get to the nugget of the question in a second,

but if I may question ask her, do you, if you're going to be signing them, do you need to get them in the professor's shoe size? Do you think he's going to wear them? You have imagined a reality in which this guy's like, everybody check the kicks. Signed by all my studiantes. So sweet, beloved.

Anyway, let's mosh. Anyways, time for some froth. Anyways, I now pronounce you men and wife. Anyways, I'm going to miss my grandma very much. Ashes to ashes and all that. Let's rock. Crocs life. Croc life.

Could you, for an earlier holiday of some sort, get your professor a Brannock device and have just say like, yeah, use it. He puts his foot in it to measure it right then and there. And he's like, I'm going to use this, I guess. It's a bad plan. This gives away the whole thing. Did you look up what it's called?

A Brannock device. You just knew that? Everybody knows that, Travis. What am I going to call it? A shoe measuring tool? Yeah. Travis, I'm very literate. And I don't even have a keyboard.

So how would I search the name of such a device, Travis? Oh, you're right. Wait a second. I don't, Travis. Have a keyboard. I just wait for the internet to show me stuff. You know me. The oracle.

I don't even have a keyboard to type stuff in. One way would be to go to your professor and tell him you're conducting a study on the connection between the size of people's genitalia and shoe size. Interesting. And then you get both the answers for the study. And two pairs of crots.

You get kicked out of the class, probably. I'm realizing now it's kind of foolhardy. I don't think that would be appropriate. Mine's not appropriate. What about? Well, you could just say, you could say, well, you don't need to measure their weenie. You know, you can just.

You do. You have to at least say, you have to get an estimate. A guesstimate, maybe. You do have to get an estimate on genitalia size. And you all are, you're going to need to get it in metric. Which? Yes. Okay.

Now what about? You have to get it in shoe size. I'm just going to throw this out here. Because if it was a foot, if you're, if your genitalia was a foot, what would its favorite ice cream flavor be? And it is. You could break into their house.

Don't chirp at my foot, dick. I pressed my cricket button, but didn't turn the soundboard on. So I don't think that's on the recording. So I think it's just going to be Griffin shouting, don't chirp at my foot, dick. Anyways, break into his house. We'll get it in post.

And check his other shoes. That works. Shoe wrestling. Shoe wrestling? Play a, play a game of trade shoe. Play a game of tradey shoes or battle shoes. Oh yeah. This is where you take your shoes off

and try to hit them and knock them out of the victory zone. Yeah. You could do flip shoe. Flip shoe's good. Stink guesser. I'm glad there's so many games with shoes in it. Oh, make it.

Oh, okay. I think this is actually a thing. But like a team building exercise where everyone piles one of their shoes in the middle of the four, and then you try to figure out who's shoe matches who. Ryan. That could be a good thing.

That's a bad team building exercise, Travis. Well, it's more of a getting to know you thing of how well do you know each other's shoes. But did, would they not be wearing the matching shoe on their other foot? Justin, any ideas? I already did mine. It was good and it worked already.

So the person already knows that shoe. Oh, it's the, yeah, the genitalia survey. Also, they went with that one weirdly. You know what? You can't go wrong with a good nine and a half. It falls pretty, it falls pretty close to the middle. And, you know, a good nine and a half is going to, is going to do it.

The only way, the only way that a nine and a half would not be the right shoe size is if they wear a 10 or larger or a nine or smaller. Other than that, though, nine and a half is going to get them every single time. You don't understand, Justin. You stupid idiot. A nine and a half is so close to the middle

of shoe size. Okay, a 10. Thank you. A 10. A nice average 10. You put that on there. It's probably going to fit. It's close enough, don't you think?

Here's what you do when you hand them the box with the signed crocs inside, the signed crocs box. Just make sure there's a gift receipt in there so they can exchange them. Yeah. I doubt the crocs company is going to want any pair of crocs back though. I think every time.

If they're signed. Admittedly. Yeah, that's not going to be great. I have a yahoo. This one is sent in by Graham Robach. Thanks, Graham. It's from Mastermind 587 who asks. Oh, I love their questions.

Why isn't there restaurants anymore are like the old Western saloon? Yes. You know restaurants that are made like the old Western saloon? Well, not anymore. For example, the atmosphere is very stylistic. The restaurant has pictures, wallpaper, nice

fancy clock, and they have really fine looking tables and the piano is at the corner for the pianist. There's a nice carpet on the floor. I mean, with chain restaurant, even Olive Garden, you don't get this kind of stuff anymore. So that's what a saloon is. But, okay, I've watched many a cowboy movie. I've never once seen them walk into carpet ever.

It might even the rest of it aside. Well, it's them some right pretty pictures you got hanging up on the wall with your wallpaper and the nice fancy clock there, Jed. I like this table. I sure could kill a man upon it if he cheated me at cards. Where's your spittoon? Are you kidding?

I have fucking carpet in here. Get the fuck out of here. You're right. That one's on me. Now dance. Pow, pow. Oh, my God. I feel terrible.

I'm sorry. I'll get this replaced. Oh, boy. Yeah, but there's a special order too. It's so nice. Let's ignore the fact that this person has no idea what saloons is. Okay.

But why aren't there restaurants anymore or like the old Western saloon? It's a question that I would also like answered. We tamed the West. You know, you go into, I mean, here in Huntington, West Virginia, we got Logan's Roadhouse, Texas Roadhouse. That's carrying on the tradition.

Yeah. You can throw peanuts right on the dang floor. It's not the same. Not the same. It's got, it's got like, for one thing, there's a lot of anachronisms, right? There's air conditioning. There's probably refrigerated food and ice.

I like it in saloons in the movies and TV shows with cowboys in it, where they sit at the bar and they just sort of grab a bottle of warm brown stuff and give them a big cup of that. And I guess they just, and I guess they just know what that is and like drinking it. That's cool. Nobody orders in fingers anymore.

Nobody says like, give me two fingers of your best sip and whiskey, right? That's pretty cool. That's pretty cool. We need to order like that again. You know what? Maybe that's it. Maybe it has nothing to do with decor,

but rather the atmosphere in general. I've never walked into a restaurant. The spirit of the West. Because here's the thing. First of all, I don't need a door that goes from the top of the door frame to the bottom. Only the middle third for some reason, and it needs to swing open in the middle.

That's all we really need. Hey, stop. What is up with that door? Yes. Hey, that's almost like saying, I'm going to afford a real door someday. I know there should be a door here. I put a toy door in as a fun joke for my friends.

Oh, I thought this door would be bigger when I ordered it. Guys are throwing each other through this dang, dang all the time. I just wanted two little toy doors so I could save up enough for a good tour. A real one. It basically says that when someone walks up to it, I just need to see their face and their crotch down.

That's it. I don't need to know what's on their chest. But I've never, I've never walked into, for your example, Justin, a Logan's Roadhouse, and had the player piano stop and everybody turn and look at me. That should be customary. Absolutely. Right.

Do y'all think? Uh-huh. Back in Cal Folk's days. Yes. They would be sitting around in a saloon with the joke door, with the spit canister, with the warm brown stuff, with the fights and poker and probably smoke and probably stinky people in general.

They were all probably sitting around like, gang, we can do better than this, right? Yeah. This sucks. Hey, guys, I get it. It's the Wild West and things are rough and a lot of things haven't been invented yet and that's too bad. I can't wait for that stuff to get invented,

but I'll for sure be dead before that happens. Can we just be a little cleaner in here? Can we hold ourselves to a slightly nicer standard in here? I always think about that in cowboy movies, whenever a cowboy gets excited or is trying to calm everyone down and they shoot their gun up in the air, then you have to think the owner of the saloon is like, God damn it, it rains.

It does rain. You just shot a goddamn hole in my ceiling. Even if it didn't rain. We're all just trying to have a nice time and you've just discharged a firearm. Yeah, you shot the piano. Do you know how hard it is to get a piano in the Old West? It's hard.

They're heavy. They don't have airplanes yet, guys. That's what I'm trying to tell you. We're not going to have air conditioning in here, so just perish that dream away. But in lieu of that, can we not just piss on the floor? Right? Yeah.

And if any of you want to wear shorts, you can. Just shorts, guys. You don't need chaps. It's hot as frick out here, okay? Shorts and a t-shirt. That's fine. That's fine. If you guys want to dress more comfortably,

and I'm looking at everybody, because some of the ladies in here got like 18 layers. Just shorts and a t-shirt, everybody. We'll all be happier and nicer. And I don't want to name names. But scrub your nuts. It smells so bad, guys. It smells so bad.

So I'm in here and I would love to have a Diet Coke. I can't. I'm going to have the warm brown stuff because apparently the only fluid they have back there. But when I drink this warm brown stuff, I don't want. Could I not smell your nuts? Can you just give them a scrub? Chaps are like the saloon doors of pants.

It says, yeah, I know I should be wearing pants, but I'm going to leave my balls out here for everyone. By the way, it was to ventilate cigar smoke and because the cowboys would carry saddlebags they'd have to go in and out. So the fact that the door swung bidirectionally is very practical. That to me seems like an after-the-fact justification

for dumb doors. For bad doors that they cut too short. No, it's perfect. This is a new style from Perry. I measured none. I got one. Hey, could you build me a new door? Oh, it's going to be like three weeks.

We're in the desert. There's only eight trees in America. I could go to Home Depot in 120 years. I'm going to wait here for 120 years until Home Depot cops up here and I'll run right over. You always get the size of the coffins right while I measure for those. Those are people's size.

Easy. It's a size 10. Fits most corpses. Some of them we got to scrunch up a little bit. And some of them we got to put bricks in the bottom for them to stand on. It's fine. It's funny.

Funny joke. And we take funny pictures with them because it takes two hours to take a single picture. And we like it that way. Now spitting that bucket that's right next to where you eat your food. I'm not dipping cha. Do I still have to spit in the bucket?

You do. It's customary. But you could throw your peanut shells right on the floor. Then I'll vacuum the carpet later. Anyway, our sequel 101 Ways to Die in the West is coming out next fall. Hope you all come out and see it.

These are just a sneak preview of some of the jokes that we're going to have. We just fully put Peter Griffin in this one. Like he's fully in it. If you got a little free time and maybe a few free coins, we want to let you know that our game, our board game, the Adventure Zone Bureau of Balance

is going to go on pre-sale. When is it exactly? You can go on the 11th. So in two days, on Wednesday, the 11th, it's a cooperative storytelling card game that expands on the Bureau of Balance, the Adventure Zone Balance universe. You don't need a DM to play it.

It's rules light and easy and fun to learn. We partnered with Together Studios to do it. And if you go to theadventurezonegame.com, you can find out more information that is also where the pre-order will be. It's, listen, we've played it. It's super fun. You're going to love it.

Yes. It's good. Also, we've got the candlelight show coming up. If you haven't already, email us your questions. And that includes Yahoo's with candle nights in the subject line. We've got a bunch of new merch up in the merch shop. You can go to macroemerge.com.

What else, boys? Well, I want to thank John Rodrick in the long winters for the Use of Our Team song and to departure off the album and putting the days to bed. You're going to have a great time listening to this one with the kids. I also want to thank Maximum Fun

for having us on the network. Go to maximumfun.org. Check out all the great shows there. Shows like Switchblade Sisters or Beef and Dairy Network or Jordan Jesse Go, all on maximumfun.org. And check out all our other stuff

at macro.family. Oh, Justin and I are doing the besties again with our friends Russ Frustic and Chris Plant. It's a video game podcast that we used to do long time ago for Polygon. Now we're doing it with Spotify. And you can check it out. Well, wherever.

We put up a few episodes for whatever podcast platform that you use. But yeah, after that, it will be a Spotify exclusive. So go check it out. And how about that final? Yes. Yes.

This final Yahoo was sent in by Madeline. It's Yahoo Answers user, Nurbel, who asks, how do I tell my wife that I ate her fancy soaps that she bought for the bathroom? My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been My Brother, My Brother, and Me. Kiss your dad's square on the lips. Hi, it's me, April Wolfe, the host of Switchblade Sisters and co-writer of the new horror film Black Christmas. And I'm Katie Walsh, film critic and occasional host of Switchblade Sisters.

We're here to announce that, for one episode, we will be doing something a little different, much like Jeff Goldblum and David Cronenberg's The Fly. I will be going through a truly disturbing transformation. April will transform from the interviewer into the interviewee. I will be asking her all about her new film, Black Lives Matter,

and I will be asking her all about her new film, Black Christmas, her writing process, and ongoing existential dread. But I will also be discussing John Carpenter's perfect masterpiece, Prince of Darkness. You guys seen any movies you liked? So tune in to Switchblade Sisters for a one-of-a-kind episode with April Wolfe

and me, Katie Walsh. See you then. Only the corrupt I listen to now.