My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 490: Ewdaddy

Episode Date: December 17, 2019

What is … flavor? What defines the essence of an object’s true, unambiguous taste? Is flavor, perhaps, in the tongue of the food-haver? Also, mind if we sprinkle a little bit of dirt on this lasagna? Suggested talking points: Log Recommendations, A Whole Nut?, That One’s Spice, The Bad Boy of Sudoku, Mike’s Secret Milkshake, Potions and Chili, Cool Whip Mysteries

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello, welcome to my brother brother brother. I mean advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother. I've just been handed this Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin.

He's Griffin. I'm Justin, and this is how we do it. Well, this is a holiday special. It's a holiday special in the sense that it is mid-December. Yes. Fair, and the holidays are here again, and we wanted to share with you some of our holiday recommendations, ways that you can make it really special, specific to different fire. What? Sorry I was going to do a sentence, but go ahead. Pretend there's a bracket here in my sentence. I want to talk about my favorite holiday movies, Justin.

Okay, what are they, Travis? I like the one. I want to talk about my favorite Christmas cookies. This is a sub bracket. This is a sub bracket within the bracket, kind of a carrot. Okay, Griffin, you go, and then we'll slingshot back up. You've heard of Elf on a Shelf. Well, what about Dilf on a Shelf?

How is that a cookie? No, no, I changed it again. Damn it. The subject. We can't get through a complete holiday thought this episode, Travis. You know the rules. I want to talk about my favorite holiday sweaters. Okay, Travis, what's your favorite holiday sweater? I like the fur-sy ones.

Okay, listener, now if you looked down at your touchtone phone, you can press one. If you want to hear a bit about movies, press two if you want to hear the sweater thing. And those are all, and press three if you want to talk about cookies. Oh, they've chosen movies. Okay, my favorite movies is the one where the birch log is crackling. And you can see a couple of the stockings hanging, and it goes for about an hour. I love that. Chevy Chase is so funny. I like the one where it's a fireplace, but it's not, it has not been incandled.

And you get, there's like a, there's a, okay, dad, and he's in the fireplace trying to fix it. And it's an hour of him just sort of clanging around. And there's long, there's long stretches where you just kind of see his jeans. And it looks like he's laying perfectly still in there for like, for 15 minutes. Just because like he's too ashamed to come out and get on Google. And maybe actually he likes it in there. It's quiet in the fireplace. He likes it in the fireplace.

He's standing up in the, he's standing up in the chimney. It's a big chimney at this point. He's up in it. I like the one where it's the people renting an Airbnb and they light a fire in the fireplace because it's the holidays, but they don't realize that the flue was closed years and years ago. Right. And so the house fills with smoke and they end up having to crawl the fire department. The fire department comes and puts it out and then they have to pay for smoke damages to the house.

And then Kurt Cameron shows up and saves everyone. Yeah. With his face. And he just keeps yelling fireproof. Yeah, it's pretty good. I like the one where it's a family watching a video of the Christmas log, but the family looks nicer than your family. I mean, this is a hot family.

Yeah, they've got it going on. It's like you're looking through the window at them. Yeah, that's a good one. I like the one where it's a family, but they're not watching the fireplace. It's just lit behind them. They have turned to face you. Yeah. And they stare right at you for one hour in complete silence.

I like the one that's exactly like that, but they're talking to each other instead of looking at the fireplace. And I'm just screaming at the screen. Come on, look at that beautiful fireplace. Y'all, you're missing the best show on earth. I like the one where it's kind of like that. And I'm looking into their window, watching them watch a fire and talk to each other. And then I show up in it, but it's like a slightly better looking me who looks happy

and more successful than I am. And then I slowly fade away in real life. Oh, fascinating. Yeah, I like that one a lot. I like the one where a family of fires watches a box of human flesh. Gibble, gibble and gurgle around. Just started gibbling and gurgling around. I like that one.

I like Evil Dead 2. Oh, okay. And another thing. I don't want to get off on a tangent, but I couldn't get through the series. I don't know. It's the one the same. So this is our advice show. No, it's a holiday special.

Our next episode is explicitly going to be our holiday special, so I don't know what this is. This one's special because of how non-holiday themed it's going to seem. The episode you heard last Monday was recorded that Monday. This episode is recorded the Wednesday after that. So right now, I don't think my brothers are very funny. But no, it's not you. I also don't think I'm funny. You know what I mean?

It's just like I should be doing yard work. That's what my human body right now is built for is yard work. You know, just like a grown-up sort of yard business. Yeah, we got all the wiggles out. Yeah, Travis is right. I can't be silly right now. And you all want me to be silly right now? I've got hedges to trim.

Yeah, our parents took us to the kids' museum. Yeah, Justin fucking grippin', grippin', baby. Slop that down, dude. Dude, crack one for the big boy. Fuck yeah, dude. Yeah, let the big dog hunt. Let the big dog out, dude, and cram it, dude. Shit, yeah.

Come on, growl, big dog. Justin, if you had just opened those before we started recording, this wouldn't have to be an ongoing segment. Okay, here's the thing. Here's the real thing. And I want to talk about it. I just fainted. Wait.

I just fainted for a second. Really? While I was from that, while I was laughing, I fainted. What do you guys think about that? Well, we talked about this two episodes ago, and now it's come to pass. Fucking, I know, dude, Goosebumps. That is my favorite episode of Goosebumps.

It becomes real in real life. Goosebumps. You did a podcast about it, and then it became real in real life Goosebumps. That's actually what RL stands for, is real life style. It's fine, not a lot of people know that. Juice, it's probably not great. You should...

It's fine, but it's fine though. I'm having fun with my brothers, and I'm sitting in a comfortable chair. It's fine. Yeah, it's fine and fun. And listen, if this causes Justin to die, he'll die doing what he loves, thinking I'm really funny.

Laughing at great jokes, yeah. I think of great jokes. It wasn't even a joke, it was just you observing the fact that I had cracked open a refreshing Pepsi Zero sugar. Yeah, dog? I go to an art university, and we usually have critiques

where we talk about our works at the end of the semester. One of my professors who is really nice usually brings in some cookies he made for the critiques. However, the cookies have a large nut in the middle of them, and I do not like eating them,

but I do enjoy the cookie parts. I try to pick out the nut, but the cookies made in such a way that it basically exploded into powder in my hands if I do so. What do I do, brothers? Do I eat around the nut, and throw it away when no one's looking?

Do I decline the cookie even though I like eating them? I don't want to be rude and decline the cookies that he has made. That's from Cookie Conundrum. That's art, isn't it? What? This is art.

This could be art. This could be an art piece. This is an art piece. This is, and it's talking about like how we all have, we all sort of put out a good energy, a positive energy, but inside we're all a little nuts, aren't we?

That could be sort of what it's saying. Regardless, it is a food crime, what they've done. Nobody wants to be eating something and then change what they're eating to include one big nut. Correct, correct. No matter how much you love nuts,

and please don't tweet at me about how much you love nuts, I'm saying that you hit the middle and there's a little jelly in there. Amazing. You hit the middle, there's a little chocolate kiss. Amazing.

You hit the middle and there's a nut? There's one big nut, and you chop the nut up and mix it in. Okay, now I'm eating a nut cookie. I'm not eating a nut at the same time as the cookie. Do you know what I mean? A nut? It nobody wants this, a whole nut.

Now, here's what you could do. You could take a little bit after one of the greatest artists of all time, Bob Ross, and adopt yourself a pet squirrel. Bring that pet squirrel with you, you eat the cookie, you hand that squirrel the nut, that's a treat for both of you.

That's good. And a fun affectation. That's why Bob had it. Yup, Bob hated nuts. This professor's bringing in cookies for critique, maybe like they should get in on the fun. Like in the spirit of critique, I'd like to give you some mild feedback on your cookies.

Yeah. The cookie parts were all wild about, but I talked to our entire class had a meeting. Oh, oh, oh, okay. Go to him and say our entire class had a discussion. You must do this in private. Our entire class had a discussion and I've been nominated to be the spokesperson.

We don't like your wack cookies, except all of it. We do like, but the nut part, gotta go, Kibisabi. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Where did you even find a nut that huge? Because no one wants it. But the problem with that, Justin, is if you're critiquing the cookie with the nut,

the same way one might critique a painting, is basically what you're saying is, I really love the frame around it. But right there in the center where you put paint, I hate that part. I like the cookie that frames the nut, you see. You're being so obtuse, Travis. That's absolutely not the same thing.

Is the nut not the paint in the center where he's taking cookie, and he's put his spin on it with nut? It really is kind of like an inversion of what you just said, Travis, because the art is the cookie, and then the frame is in the middle. That is as wild, like if a painting did that,

that is what this teacher has done. Y'all, that would be good art right there. It's just like some thin paint around a big thing of wood, and you'd be like, I flipped them. What do you think about this? Does this mean something? Does this art for you? I'm the first one to have flipped them.

I'm the first one to do that. So that's for sure art. Nobody else has flipped them before. I have a yahoo. Did you guys hear about the banana art? Yeah, it's crazy, right? Thanks, Travis. I thought I was one tooing your joke, a big dog.

Banana art, yeah, I heard about this. Let's see where Justin goes. Everybody buckle up. Justin's about to make an observation. When someone asks a question about, have you heard of something, saying yes kills the, can't it? I'm saying yes, I've heard of it,

and I can't wait to hear your humorous observation about the banana, Justin. The implication is yes, I heard of it, and there's no reason for you to recap it. So we can't actually hear about it. I got your back. Hey, Griffin, you gotta hear what Justin's about to say. It's so funny and weird.

Oh, about the banana art, I'm already aware. So please go on, because the third party in this group doesn't know about the banana art. Artist in Miami got a banana. He taped it to a wall, and he priced it at $120,000. This is excellent. We all agreed that it's good. It's art, right?

Yeah, that's art. Then another cat came in, and he ate the extremely expensive art banana off the wall. He said, and his quote when he said it is Maurizio. It's a good, that's the artist's name. Maurizio, it's a good banana, I have to say. I don't know if that was part, he's so, okay, so here's the wild thing.

The second guy who ate the banana is a performance artist, and he ate the original art. Can you do that? Yeah. Because I don't think you're allowed to just make your art around a different art. Like, can you eat something else art to say that's art now? I just farted on Starry Night. So now who's the artist?

Not you? I just did a big punch through water lilies. So something. That's something. That's art. I have a yahoo that was sent in by like 50 different people. Thanks, everyone. It's yahoo answers user Ja who asks,

is dirt a spice? Huh. Is dirt comma a spice? You know how all spices come from the ground? Well, so does dirt. I don't see why we're not using it to season our food. I mean, I guess in a very broad sense, all spice comes to the ground, because like it grows on plants, a lot of it,

which comes out of the ground, I suppose. Yeah, dirt's just a, you know, bed for a man. But a strong case could be made that salt is dirt. Salt is rock, right? Yeah, it's like a little rock. I mean, dirt is just small rock, right? Mmm, you lost me there, Trav. There you didn't get me.

Dirt is just ground up rock. I think it's different stuff. I think dirt is just really ground up rock. Are you sure? Hey, I'm not sure, Griffin, but I don't see why it wouldn't be. Well, shit, hold up. What else would it be? Ground up tree?

It's probably ground up tree and plant. I mean, it's probably a combination of a lot of things. I'm just saying that there's probably some ground up rock in there. I'm just saying there was somebody who got this crunchy white stuff and put it on some chips in case man days and ate it and was like, that one is a spice. Yeah, everyone. Keep going with that.

Grand announcement, this one is a spice. But then they got the white hard dirt. That's spice. That's spice. That one's spice. Let me try this red flower. Grind that up. Ooh, it hurt my mouth.

That one's spice too. I decided. That's what I'm calling it. Spice too. That's the second spice. Now, let me get some of this brown stuff on my chips. Not a spice. Unfortunately, not a spice.

Okay, but let me let me. I'm going to complicate this. If you have a big pile of dirt, right? And then you dump a jar of cinnamon into it and then you stir it all up. You don't say that you have dirt and cinnamon. You have dirt, right? Like you just have more different spicy dirt. But it's true.

Like it's it just has to become dirt when reintegrated into dirt. It's dirt. Well, how much dirt would I have to put in the cinnamon jar before it stops being cinnamon juice? I was about to say one to one, but that's not true. Right? Like there I think that there would be what is the I could put a little bit of dirt and some cinnamon.

And I think I would still eat the cinnamon if pressed. Right. Right. But what is the amount? This is a fun game is how dirty just would it have to be for you to not want it. It helps because the visual of cinnamon blends in. Whereas if this was like very fine. Yes.

If this was fine salt and you threw some like really dark dirt in there, I'm like, oh, I can see it. That's gross. Umami is all the way. Umami. Thanks. It's all the rage right now. It's just dirt.

People don't like sour. People don't like sweet. Spicy hurts our tongue now. And everybody wants to talk about umami. And so they're doing, they're drying the fish and squishing the mushrooms. They're making the hamburgers. They spin of the pizza. They're making it so umami.

It's really a matter of time, right? Before we just scoop up scoopfuls of this brown ground up tree stuff. That's my new flavor. Ew, daddy. And it's just gross. And it's a gross flavor. You have sour, you got sweet, you got, I don't know, the other ones. And then you have savory and that's umami.

And then you have gross and you call it, ooh, daddy. That's a good point Travis. You don't say like, if I eat something really raunchy, I don't say it's like sour or sweet. I just say like, ugh, it sucks. Yeah, this is a really gross flavor. It's a gross, ooh, daddy. Why can't gross be a flavor, right?

Right. Yeah, nobody's like, oh, I accidentally ate goat barf. It could have used more sugar. It's like, that is irredeemable. It has its new, it has a new term, which is udadi. That does, okay. All right, it pays the question. If you have, let's say, goat barf, right?

And you have goat barf and it's fucking repellent. The fact that you don't assign a flavor, if you assign any flavor to it, the implication is that with an addition of enough other flavors, it could be good. It's like, it's, oh, it's bitter. Well, if you add some sugar and salt and sour, maybe it'd be good then. No, it's not, because it's not any of the flavors. It's udadi.

It's udadi. No, ooh, daddy. You serve a goat barf on Top Chef. Tom Kalikia would be like, did you taste this before you sent it out? And you would have to be like, no, Tom, you fucking pervert. You weirdo. It's fucking foul. Hey, Justin, did you taste the back of this Nintendo switch cartridge

before you brought it out? Because it's udadi. Thank you. That's what I was going for. That would be good because then when someone's like, this food is gross, you'd be like, yes, got them. Got them. Did it.

Welcome to my, welcome to my themed garbage pale kids restaurant. How do I get people to notice that I'm great at Sudoku? It's like they don't even care. That's from Dean from Ohio. I care, Dean. We all care, Dean. Here's the thing, right? There are many skills.

This, the world is unfair because, oh, somebody runs so fast. Super cool. Everybody loves that. Oh, they're so, I do a Sudoku real fast. Nothing. No one's taking my picture or put on a magazine or whatever. I've been struggling with this lately because I'm getting good at Rubik's cubes. And I have him littered all around my home.

I have noticed that. And, and the problem is I can't, it's very hard. So here's the way you could tell. There's limited ways you can communicate that you're getting pretty good at the Rubik's cube. Here's a list of them because I've researched this thoroughly at this point. One, say it on a podcast. No one cares. Two, leave unsolved Rubik's cubes around your home.

And then when someone is nearby, you begin solving it and just hope to fucking God that they somehow can maintain attention on you solving the Rubik's cube for long enough for you to get to the solution. Because if you just, if they look over and you just have a solved Rubik's cube in your hand, who gives a shit? Maybe it was solved before. They have to be there for the process and no one wants to watch it. But at least then Justin, you have the benefit of easy color.

Like you can look at a Rubik's cube and see if it's correctly solved or not. Whereas if you like slam a Sudoku in like 45 seconds, you can hold it up and say, I did it. And unless that person wants to check your math and like make sure that all the letters, all the numbers on the correct spot, they don't give two shit. It doesn't matter. It's, it doesn't, even if you did it in one second, if I was sitting next to you on the plane and you popped out your number two pencil and got out the hard Sudoku from the Washington Post

and you cleared your throat super loud so that I had to look over at you. And I watched you solve the Sudoku in one and a half seconds and you hold it up and be like, I, holy shit, did you see that? I would be like, yeah, it's a child's number game. I guess you solve the child's number game. I have so much of my own shit going on in my own head right now that it's hard for me to get excited, Justin, about your child's color shape that you like to twist and spin. Because I have sort of other more engaging important stuff going on.

And by me, I mean us, all of us, the rest of us. But people like to celebrate when people are good at the child's ball throwing game or the child's ball kicking game. Why can't we be good at child's paper games? Because those are badass and cool to see. What if I did a Sudoku in a really cool way? Not fucking possible. I'm doing it on my bicycle.

No hands on the handlebar because they're busy with the number two pencil. It's reckless. It's reckless. That's just reckless. Yeah. Yeah. Now I'm worried about Sudoku. Travis is such an honor to have you on this show.

The bad boy, Sudoku, the Sudoku world. Of course. Thanks, fuck you. Of course, remember Travis is the one who when an opponent wasn't looking, reached in and wrote blue in one of the squares and they fucking brought the entire convention to its knees. It was scandal writ large. Yep.

And I remember that one time you leaned over to Kenny Numberman and bit his nose, cleaned the hell off his face. I do regret that because it turned out we weren't even competing at that point. No, you were on a ski lift. You guys were going on a ski trip together. And I bit his nose off. I thought there was a bug on it. That was pretty cool, man.

Thank you. Well, I remember when you brought a six pack of Coors to my grandpa's funeral. I also regret that. I did appreciate how you put two Sudoku puzzles, one on each of his eyes. While you send them on his way across the river Styx. Well, the family paid me for that. You never think about that. The ferryman every once in a while is like, I got so many fucking coins, y'all.

I'm good. Please send a Sudoku puzzle. It's so boring here. I just go back and forth on the river. Send a Sudoku. It's not a good puzzle. Well, you don't think the Sudoku is a good puzzle? No.

Wow. It's quite a brain teaser. Would you rather do riddles, Griffin? Because we get riddles. Don't you fight. I don't know how they made a movie out of escape room, a horror movie, where they all where the teens got trapped in escape room. And then they thought they were in the lobby, but it turns out this is the escape room.

And they're just full of deadly traps. And it was based on spoilers. It was based on escape rooms. Do you think they'll ever do that for Sudoku? Yeah, I've actually been working on a script for Sudoku, and it's a university that teaches Sudoku, and things get pretty riddled. That's funny. Yeah, the comics in the nine are always next to each other, if you know what I mean.

Hell yeah, dude. This is 69. What's that? It's a sex number. Why is that? It's because when you put them together, it looks like the six and the nine are orally pleasuring one another. Do you see it now?

Look at it in squint like a magic guy. You know how we're all just genitals attached to one big mouth? You get it. Hey guys, 69 is nothing. That doesn't look like that. One person went, oh, a six and a nine together. That looks like two people orally pleasuring each other while curled up, like a Sonic the Hedgehog, and another person was like, yeah, it does.

Hey, guess what, gang? It doesn't. If you had a seven and an L, maybe. Maybe. And the other thing is you can't even do that. Wait. You can't even do it. It doesn't work.

Justin's right. Where do the legs even go? And what do you do with your pants? If I was to train 69 in the way that the numbers prescribed, I would have to put, like, my wife's entire lower body in my mouth. What? That's not. Wait, is that, wait, is that not?

Oh, shit, Trav. We should go to the money zone. Hey, I want to tell you about me undies. We always talk about getting me undies for yourself, but you know what? It's the time for others. You need to think about putting clothes on other people's bodies. Me undies makes a great gift for someone you care about this holiday season. And it's not just underwear.

They have all kinds of things. You got comfy pants, t-shirts, robes, slippers, all kinds of stuff, including a baby bodysuit, adorable. And of course, all of their clothes are cozy and they have sizes XS through 4XL. And it's three times softer than cotton. You know it is. So you're going to want to check it out and you can get 15% off your first pair, free shipping, and 100% satisfaction guarantee.

If you go to meundies.com slash my brother, that's meundies.com slash my brother. Going to the post office is hell. Okay. It's especially this time of year. The holidays are tough on everybody and mostly because of how much you have to go to the post office. Which is to be fair, that's also true of going outside anywhere at all ever. That's fair Travis.

Stamps.com is going to save you from having to go to post office and save you the money that you would have spent on things at post office because they've got discounts. The Stamps.com people do. You use your computer, you'll print official US postage 24 seven. That's right. Once you start, you will be printing postage every waking moment of your life for any letter, any package, any class of mail, anywhere you want to send things. But it's worth it.

It's worth it. It's a new lifestyle. This is a lifestyle brand, Stamps.com. Once your mail is ready, you just hand it to your mail carrier or you drop it in a mailbox. It's no wonder over 700,000 small businesses already use Stamps.com and folks. That's basically a million. Don't spend a minute of your holiday season at the post office this year. Sign up for Stamps.com instead.

There's no risk with our promo code, my brother. You get a sp- No, you know what? The copy says my promo code. This one's mine. With my personal promo code, my brother, you get a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in my brother.

All one word. That's Stamps.com. Enter my brother, Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again. Have you ever watched a movie so bad you just needed to talk to somebody about it? Well, here at the flop house, we watch a bad movie and then talk about it. Yeah, you don't have to do anything. We'll watch it and we'll talk it.

We do the hard work. Featuring the beautiful vocal talents of Dan McCoy. Stuart Wellington. And me, America's Rascal, Elliott Kalen. New episodes every other Saturday at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcast, dude. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Oh, thank god.

I want a munch. Squad. Hello, welcome to Munch Squad. It's a podcast with a podcast about the latest in grades in brand eating. I have, if it, if it, so please the core, I just have a couple, two to three that I'd love to get through. Because I don't want a new year to begin and still have stuff on my desk that I have to clear off. Is that okay with everybody? Yeah.

Edible, this is our sub-segment of Munch Squad. It's our CBD update, which I've decided to start calling CBDs nuts. Oh, I get it. Welcome to the party Edible Arrangements. The world's largest franchiser of fresh fruit arrangements has officially debuted a new incredible Edibles hemp-derived CBD product line, including smoothies and chocolate-dipped fruit. It's from Incredible Edibles, a company which focuses on supplying CBD with traceability and authenticity from the hemp farm to the finished product.

That's right, folks. Farm to smoothie CBD. We've finally fucking done it. Quote from Tariq Freed, the founder and CEO of Edible Arrangements. Consumers are showing an increasing demand for CBD products, and now is the perfect time for us to make our mark on this flourishing industry. We've always prided ourselves on our knack. I just want to say, hey, good euphemism for cash in.

Yeah, we have always prided ourselves on our knack for innovation, and we continue to do so with the introduction of new menu innovations for fresh and healthy alternatives. In the case of Incredible Edible CBD products, the alternative we now offer is high-quality, traceable CBD with a focus on health, not high. I'd like to go back to where it's talking about increasing demand. Am I to believe, Tariq, that at least one time in human existence, someone blew into the doors of an Edible Arrangements and just shouted,

like, I need this fruit has CBD in it. Hey, you said Edible, right? You want our chocolate dipped strawberries to get you fucked up? No, it's for health. Not high. Okay. Red Lobster has made a cheddar made biscuit sweater. It's for the holidays, and it's got little lobsters on it and cheddar made biscuits on it,

and it's got a special insulated pocket to help keep your cheddar made biscuits. To help steal your cheddar made biscuits. We should be clear, yes? How big, hey juice, how big a pocket we talking? It says they're kept warm to perfect. I'm looking at a picture of a woman with four biscuits in her sweater pocket. Fuck yeah, that's good. I was worried it would just be a single serve.

For those looking to turn heads at their office party, I think that you would turn heads in this sweater, but you turn them back and forth in kind of a sad way, you know? You would oscillate heads. Right, those looking to oscillate heads in a slow fashion, or give an unforgettable gift to a seafood loving one, it says a seafood loving loved one. Just do it with the first draft on this one.

Red Lobster, okay. Or Cheddar Made Biscuits, because originally the copy said a seafood loved one, and they're like, that doesn't seem right. It's guaranteed to help holiday enthusiasts slay S-L-E-I-G-H all season long. I'm trying not to fill up before I get to my shrimp scampi sweater that I also ordered, so I'm going to pass on these. That's fair enough, it's $40. You can buy it if you don't value your life.

Last one real quick, and I want to say thank you to Robin for this one. The Michael Jordan Steakhouse is offering a limited-time Space Jam menu. Boy, if you're a die-hard Space Jam fan, like many of us in Chicago, you will be thrilled to hear that Michael Jordan Steakhouse is offering a limited-time Space Jam-inspired menu. From now until April 13th, 2020, you could try a Space Jam-inspired meal during every Chicago Bulls home game. For anyone who's ever wanted to be like Mike,

this meal will take you back to the Michael Jordan days, give anyone who tries it a feeling of nostalgia and a chance to eat like Mike. That would be a fucking wild, wild reaction to this meal. The new item, titled Mike's Secret Stuff. Yes! Yeah, cool. It's no joke. It includes a Space Jam burger.

It consists of a 10-ounce beef patty that's stacked with me, me, cube braised pork belly, dill pickle, stout mustard, pickled onions, and aged cheddar cheese. What does that have to do with Space Jam? Well, you eat it off of Wayne Knight's nude body. If that's not enough for you, the menu, how could it not be enough? And the menu item also comes as a combo with hand-cut fries and a Mike's Secret Stuff salted caramel milkshake. Hey, Mike, what's your secret stuff?

Well, friend, it turns out it's fucking salted caramel milkshakes helped me deliver on the B-Ball Court. The FDA must have a law preventing anyone from advertising, quote, secret stuff on their food menus. Yes, because it can cover any number of sins. What makes me mad is that they called the menu item, which is a burger, Mike's Secret Stuff, and then they called the milkshake Mike's Secret Stuff. Like, you were so close.

If you had just waited, you could have gotten it into a drink full. But no, you had to call the burger. You can't just call them both Mike's Secret Stuff. Michael Jordan was not beginning games by eating a fucking cheese burger. Mike has a lot of secrets, Justin, and then a milkshake to wash it down. That's not how Mike began his games. I'm bothered by something that seems so thematic, that then once you peel one layer back, has zero theme at all.

Like, you could put some fig jam on there, and I would have been like, okay, done. You're fucking talking. But there's nothing. I would sooner believe that Mike's Secret Stuff is fig jam. If I just went back in the locker room and saw Michael Jordan eating piles of fig jam from a jar with a spoon, that would be more plausible to me. Producing eggs from some sort of sack. The executive chef of Michael Jordan's Steakhouse, Craig Cooper, is thrilled to be offering bowls

and Michael Jordan fans alike this opportunity. A burger! A burger and milkshake with fries! Quote, we're doing it with really great ingredients and going over the top. Yeah, I mean it would be better than if you went with, we're doing it with bad food that we can't sell otherwise. If they wanted to be really thematic, the drink should just be like a glass of water. Yeah, Michael's Secret Stuff is hydration and plenty of sleep. We were, this is continuing the quote, we were inspired by space jam.

And who knows, maybe the Mike's Secret Stuff shake will be enough to bring the bowls back to their Michael Jordan era prime. So Craig, just so I can be fucking clear, you are saying that maybe if the entire Bulls franchise drank a salted caramel milkshake before the game began, they might launch back to prominence. Or is that where we're going with this? Perhaps even stranger, Justin. What he is suggesting is, if some people in a restaurant drink the shake,

the enjoyment of said shake might be enough to power a basketball team to victory, perhaps miles away. The thing, the fictional setting that Craig has created, yes, thank you Travis, is not that the team, it's that a city would love a salted caramel milkshake so much that their favorite team would be good at basketball again. That is what Craig is. That's a good milkshake, Craig. Are you sure? Is it just have the regular things like salt and caramel and ice cream?

Imagine if in Angels of the Outfield, the actual scenario had been that there were angels somewhere else in the city and everyone was so excited about those angels that the baseball team won. And that's what's going on here. Angels a few blocks over. Yes, angels at the Walmart. And the angels are just shopping, but everyone loves them. I would pay 200 American dollars for a space jam hamburger. If a space jam burger, if Michael Jordan himself ran towards my table with it in his hand, no plate,

and jumped way up in the air and dunked it right into my head. But then he picked me up off the ground where he flattened me and he stands me up and dusts me off and says, do you want to come in the back with me and help me hurt the monsters? And me and him got to go back in the kitchen where he's got the monsters captured and then he and I hurt them because of how bad they were to the Looney Tunes. So in Space Jam 2, we can only assume that LeBron will drink LeBron secret stuff. Now, as we all know, Michael Jordan's secret stuff was water. And LeBron's secret stuff, I'm assuming, will also be water.

At some point, the Looney Tunes must become suspicious of pro basketball players trying to sell them high-priced water. I mean, the other side of that, Justin, is that, and I'm not saying this about LeBron James, mind you, but that at some point an NBA star gives them, say, anabolic steroids to make them successful at basketball. And they're like, finally, something that works. I do look forward to the inevitable way Knight cameo and hearing a room full of seven-year-old scream, who the fuck is that? Or just hearing me yell, new man, because that is a show that prevents, like, it stretches beyond age. What will be more depressing, that the room full of seven-year-olds don't know who Wayne Knight is or that they don't know who Michael Jordan is?

Oh, depends on if you're Michael Jordan or not. I have a yahoo here that was sent in by Graham Roebuck. Thank you. It's from Yahoo Answers, user Nerbel, who asks, what would a witch even do with a cauldron? Good question. Why did witches have cauldrons? A cauldron holds a massive quantity of soup or stew, but they are a witch. How many people are they serving? It's not like they know a lot of people because they're witches and probably keep to themselves and they didn't have refrigerators back then to save some for later. Seems like they would have wasted a lot of food.

Okay, first my dude, covens. What do you mean witches don't know people? Inherently, witches are part of a big group. That's the thick, covens. Come on, my dude. Someone's gonna drop your cold coven, comes over. You've got a cauldron for one. Embarrassing. No, thank you. A big, big cauldron, you can make one portion. A small cauldron, you can't make more than one portion. Options, buddy. Read a book. Whenever you do see a depiction of a witch with a cauldron who is stirring something up, my mind has never leapt to chili or beef stew or potatoes soup. It's always some sort of potion. Yes? Am I alone in this? Well, chili can be a potion, Griffin. It's a kind of bean fart potion, sure.

But then that brings up the question of how much potion do you need? Do potions go back? If a potion has an eye of newt in it, that I imagine would go bad after a bit. It has a perishable sort of object in it. Here's the thing, Griffin. If you watch any movie with a witch building a potion, they have some kind of base potion in there, because the cauldron is almost always full. Then when the person says, I need a powerful love spell or whatever, that's when they start throwing in the individual ingredients. It's a sourdough starter, essentially, is what you're suggesting. There's some kind of base potion, a universal potion base, that then they can add specific ingredients to as soon as someone gets it. Because that's the

thing. If a villager rolled up and said, I need a potion to punish my enemies, you wouldn't be like, okay, sit down. This thing holds 60 gallons. It's going to take a while to heat up. You're going to be here. That's like a drug dealer hanging out with you while you make the deal, I assume, because I've watched TV and movies. They got to have smaller cauldrons, right? They're batch making all these. You think they're just made of cauldrons, Justin? Well, they at least have another one for chili. We can agree that it's not the same cauldron for chili and love spell potions. Oh, no, that could go so bad. They very temporarily put in the stopper, dump the love spell potion into the bathtub, make the chili in the cauldron, add it up, share it with the friends,

scoop the love spell potion back into the cauldron after it's been cleaned. Oops, it wasn't cleaned. I got dang dang beans and onions in my love potion again. And it works even better. Works really good. Do you think witches ever get mad when it's always like, I need a potion? Do you think the first thought the witch's head is always, oh man, I got to build a fire in the middle of my house? I'm really like, this is where I sleep and live. And I don't want to build a fire in the middle of my house, but I have to make the potion. Can I do it outside? No, it'll be contaminated. But the potions and people don't like to hear this. They smell super bad. There's a lot of stinky, stinky stuff in there. Can I just make you some chili? You want me to make ones with mushrooms and animal

eyes in it? That one's going to stink, my man. That must be the worst is when a client shows up and says, I need a love potion and some chili. I'm like, oh no. I don't have the pots for that. I don't have the bandwidth. Oh boy. Can you come back tomorrow? I can't. I want to love chili right now. Oh no. I don't like chili. I don't want to learn. I'm usually in charge of going to the supermarket, but I was sick this week and my wife did the shopping instead. First it seemed like she just got the usual things that we always eat. But when I opened the freezer this morning, I saw three gigantic tubs of Cool Whip staring back at me. My wife has never mentioned her interesting Cool Whip and I haven't had this stuff since I was a kid. What does this mean for my

marriage? And am I cool to dig in while she's at work? And that's from Cool Whip Cassie. No, don't just eat Cool Whip. Oh, what if you need it for something? Yeah, what if you need Cool Whip? Come on Griffin, use your head. You've had that pumpkin pie sitting around for a while. You've been waiting for an excuse. Cool Whip can be a fun addition to lots of things. Strawberry, shortcake, maybe a fun peanut butter sandwich. Add a little Cool Whip on there. Oh, interesting. That's new. Add it just a little ice cream. Why are we talking about Cool Whip? Nobody wants to talk about Cool Whip. Sorry Cassie. Hey Cassie, sorry, but nobody wants to talk about Cool Whip. Well, it's kind of the question, so we kind of have to do whatever the question says. Yeah,

but I don't really want to talk about Cool Whip. Okay. Here's the thing to me that makes this whole situation a little weird, that it's in the freezer. Because if you're planning on enjoying the Cool Whip, it must be defrosted. No one says, like, what you've said just a little before is a situation where you start thinking, man, I'd love to eat some Cool Whip in four hours. Oh, I've salt it. I've cracked this whole thing wide open. So Cassie's life doesn't normally do the shopping, right? Right. Cassie normally does the shopping. So wife went, maybe got a little flustered. There's a great deal on Cool Whip. They thought maybe Cassie never buys Cool Whip because it's always expensive, but this is a good deal. I don't even know if we need cool Cool Whip,

but we've never had it before. This is such a good deal. I'm buying three of them. Cassie, Cassie hasn't ever mentioned Cool Whip before, but that could be because of the prohibitive price. Cassie's worried about getting me excited about Cool Whip and then not being able to afford it and letting me down. Well, I'm going to surprise Cassie with three. Yes, three tubs of Cool Whip. Well, Cassie, be pleased to pitch to pitch a different scenario. You're walking through the grocery store. You've never grocery shopped in your life. It's a strange labyrinth of products and produce. Some of this stuff you've never even seen before. You're lost. You're unmoored. You're sure you're going to do a terrible job. And then you look in a refrigerated section

and you see a product and this product is cool. Yeah. You think that's a good place to start. That's cool. These are cool. So I'll get these. If there was great bread, that's my next destination. And maybe this is the reward that I do this sometimes where I'm like, I'm shopping so good. I'm buying the healthy items. I'm going to buy myself, you know, some Sunday cones or whatever, something, just a treat for me. Now three seems excessive, three tubs, but Cool Whip is a luxury item. It is rarely necessary. So maybe Cassie's wife just thought they were doing a really great job. Yeah. Maybe Cassie's wife knew that my daughter was coming over because on Thanksgiving, I had a tub of Cool Whip out to put on my Ritz Torte. And I had the tray out and I opened the

Cool Whip tub and I looked away to grab a spoon. And when I looked back, my daughter showed her entire fucking face into it. Just showed her face right into the Cool Whip. I had another tub because I've been down this road before. I've been down this particular road to perdition. I had, she thought she had one on me. And I would, next time I went to the store, I said, well, I'm going to buy two tubs of Cool Whip because somebody might shove their face into one. And then she looks at me dead in the eyes and say, well, somebody shoves their face into two. Fuck, you got me. Damn, cold blooded. So you're suggesting that they bought three, suspecting that your daughter is going to come to their house.

My daughter is invited to their holiday gatherings. You can't have enough tubs of Cool Whip around the house around the holidays, folks. That's a dessert. Hey, listen, if a bunch of guests show up, you don't have a dessert, cut up some fresh fruit, throw in some Cool Whip, you got a dessert going right there. Your dessert's done. You could also just open the tub and throw some spoons in it. Now you got a dessert going. Just have them eat the Cool Whip. Yeah, man. Just get out a big thing of cracked pepper and say, here's a spicy dessert for everyone. This is fun. We can all eat things that aren't supposed to be food. I'm not saying you eat this game. I like the spoons, Griffin.

Yeah, you just crack open a bunch of Diet Cokes and pour them in a big bowl. Hey, everyone. Soup's on. That's actually a good start for a soup. This has been our podcast. My brother, my brother and me. We hope you've enjoyed yourself. One of, we've got a couple of things. The first one I'd like to mention this time of year are incredible listeners all get together to help fill some empty stockings here in the Huntington, West Virginia area. There's a whole list of needs, people that, not even gifts, just, you know, there are some for kids on there, but a lot of just people

trying to get clothes for cold weather. And our listeners are always really good about helping. I mean, literally everybody. It's amazing. Every time of year, it's called MBMBAM Angels. It's been going on for years now. And the 2019 drive is in full swing. If you get a few moments and you have a few bucks to spare, please head on over to mbambamangels.com. You can claim a family or, you know, just send money to help with the effort. Huge thanks to all the organizers of that. And you are the best. And we love you. And thank you. If you can donate, it would really mean a lot. mbmbamangels.com. It looks like they are about halfway there as I'm reading this. So if you

could pitch in, it would, it would really mean a lot. Also, big announcement here in February. We're going to be doing a couple of live shows here in Cincinnati, Cincinnati, Ohio, the Queen City. Why Cincinnati, you ask? Well, it's where I live and I'll just have had a baby. And I don't want to go anywhere, but we're doing some live shows here. And those tickets are going on sale this Friday. So be ready for that. We'll tweet all the links and details and everything. Also, the Adventure Zone Bureau of Balance game, the cooperative card storytelling game that we made with Together Studios, the pre-sales are open now. You can go to the adventurezonegame.com and pre-order it now. Let's see what... Oh, and as long as you're

pre-ordering, go to the adventurezonecomic.com and pre-order the next graphic novel too. Why not just do both? Thanks to John Roderick and Long Winters for the use of our theme song instead of Parture off the album Putting the Days to Bed. Just go there. Go to wherever you get music, the music store, or the online music store, and get this music, folks. And hey, thanks to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. Go to maximumfun.org. Check out all the great shows there. They have so many, and you're going to love them. All of them, I guarantee it. Send in your candle lights questions if you haven't already. And it's going to be island themed by the way. So if you want to dress cordially, feel free. Wait, really? Yeah, baby. Better order a shirt. I have a box.

I have a box with over 200 beach balls in it in my home as we speak. Did we talk about this? Well, no, I just put my mother-in-law in charge of it. So it's going to be buck wild. This is a woman that once made 30 children into trees for a Wizard of Oz production. It's going to be buck wild. Okay? Can't wait. Here's the final yahoo ascended by Graham Robbuck. Thanks, Graham. It's yahoo answers user Steven who asks, does the cat's movie trailer make anyone horny? Why are you just a McElroy? I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother. My brother may kiss your dad. Square out the lips.