My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 494: Face 2 Face: Hoops Destruct Button

Episode Date: January 20, 2020

We’re still on hiatus while Travis celebrates the miracle of life, but we’ll be back with a proper new episode next week! In the meantime, please enjoy another of our live performances at the King’s Theater in Brooklyn!

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, and welcome back to My Brother, My Brother, and my show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother in 30 under 30 media luminary, Griffin McElroy. Here is a list of the septigenarians I've seen this week, Donald Fagan, David Crosby.

Anyway, here's my kids. Fuckin' best hype man in the biz. Hey, I'm gonna get the crowd all hot and ready for you. So I went and saw Steely Dan. That was really cool. I guess you guys aren't reeling in the years. 23 skadoo. And here's my kids. I like the Chilean miners. We've reemerged here. We've been buried deep below the King's Theater, and now we've reemerged here. That was a weird, why did we do that? I don't know, but it was beautiful down there. A lot of bodies. Weird amount of bodies. I found out something interesting today, guys. I have limits. I think I have, I think I know what it might be. It is that I have limits. My passion for,

I don't want to say bad things, but I guess bad things, the lower end of- Barbage things. Hurting yourself with questionable cuisine. The lower end of culture, I think is well documented. Yeah. Food culture specifically cuisine. But I went, I did, I mean, We're in Food City, right? Food City, USA. Great spots to eat. Great spots to dine. I was like, ooh, I went to this great Italian place up in Harlem, Victoria. Had some of the best ramen I've ever had in my life. The Great Wine List. You gotta check it out. Shrimp Company and all the other, which one? Just the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company I went to today. And I don't think I've heard of that one. Justin, can you give me a little bit of background?

We had, it was very cold. Damn, dude. If that's the first thing you got to lay down at Bubba Gump's feet. That's one thing about it is, here's some good reasons to go there. It's very cold. And it is inside. The one thing you can say for Bubba Gump Shrimp Company is it is indoors. That's huge. I had two kids with me and they were, you know, kids. And it was cold. So we went into Bubba Gump. Well, we were trying to choose between Bubba Gump Shrimp Company and Hard Rock Cafe. And I said, how can you choose? I know. I said Bubba Gump should be more. Oh, was Applebee's closed? Bubba Gump should be. Oh, there was a wait at the Olive Garden. I said it would be more hilarious. So I went there. Yeah. Not realizing that in addition to getting material for my podcast,

I would have to eat the food with my human body. I, here's the thing. I'm not picky. This is law. This is subtle law. I'm not a pick. It was bad guys. I don't know how to say it except the food was bad. The experience though was bad. There was, there is a, they have a sign on the table and it, you can flip it, right? And if it's blue, it says run for us, run. And that means the server can just go right on by. And if you need something, you flip it to red. And it says stop for a stop. And any server in the place will stop at your table to see what you need, except none of them care. I can flip that, that bastard back and forth. No one gave a solitary shit. Their magic shoes carry them right back to the great, the break room. Right back. No one actually

addressed any of my many needs. What I did enjoy was the table right next to us. Sydney kept like nudging me and like over there. There was a table of two middle-aged people sharing what appeared to be a bottle of wine they brought from home. That's very good. I'm pretty sure they didn't get it from Bubba Gump because it wasn't in a box. So it probably wasn't from there. But I was a little judgy at first, but then by the end of the meal, I was like, fuck, I wish I'd drunk a half bottle of wine. Those people are, look like they're having the time of their lives. Right. We had peel and eat shrimp that we ordered. And they said, when I said peel and eat shrimp, and you know what they said? Do you want spice here, garlic? Excuse me? For my peel and eat shrimp, they brought them to the

table. The tails and the legs and stuff were not there. The peeling had happened. So they were just and eat shrimp and eat. And here's a fun thing. All my job was to eat. And when I did my job, it tasted like baloney exactly. So it wasn't hilarious. I did do it. Maybe now, tragedy plus time, et cetera. Right. Tragedy plus time and pepsid. Did it never really sink in while you're eating at this restaurant that you were dining at a themed restaurant named after Tom Hanks's dead friend from that one movie? When you first walk into this place and we're not just going to talk about this, we'll talk about other things. But when you first walk into this place, there is a bench with a box of chocolates permanently adhered to it. And it's been 25 years since this

fucking flick came out, guys. That's surreal. Like if I walk in there, I'm like, excuse me? Can we talk about your art selection? This is very strange. There are people of legal voting age who might now, for the first time, watch Forrest Gumbin think, is this a movie based off that restaurant chain, based off that bad baloney restaurant? Hey, what if we do our thing, our usual thing? Yeah, why don't we? I want to start with a yahoo from the yahoo answer service. This first one was sent in by Emma Cant. Thank you, Emma. It's yahoo answers user Viv, who asks, okay, how to, how to quietly eat chips? I eat lunch in the quiet section of the library. How do I quietly eat my lays? The answer is obvious. Put it in your mouth. Close the mouth.

Wait five minutes. Oh, God. I'm saying it's not the pleasant answer. It's not the answer you choose to do. But if you're asking me how to quietly consume a chip, it is to let that bad boy dissolve in there. And then you just swallow it like a medicine pill. And then you just slurp it on down. Like an oyster. I would get as many Pringles as I wanted for that serving and put them all in my mouth at the same time and then bite them all at once and say, oops, I farted. All right. No one would ever suspect. Why would he lie about that? It's a perfect crime. Unless you have a terrible gastric incident, they are two sounds that sound very different. They don't know, okay, so in your reality, someone's like, I've heard you fart before. That's bullshit.

No, what I was saying is they might hear you fart and say, I have heard a human fart before. Nice try, Bob. That was 16 Pringles. You sound like a wood chipper. Are you okay? I am. I am also. I started your bow just crunch. I am also. Can you stop popping for a minute? What if you've been eating? Have you been eating those poppers you throw at the ground and they snap? I'm also a robot. I meant to tell you guys and those are my sound of my various gears cranking and whirring away. Can you sit next to the library grandfather clock and eat a chip a second? That's very good. Chomp, chomp, chomp. You're going to have to get really good like two tubes of Pringles just kind of alternating back and forth a double hand motion. And then when you run out,

you have to loudly exclaim, your clock broke. Stop making noise. Now this one would take a little investment and a little pre-planning. Okay. But could you get a book bound and you write on the cover a book about eating chips and then you eat behind it and someone's going to look over and go, oh, it's just a really good book. Oh yeah. This is an audio book. That's nothing. It's like one of those greeting cards that makes noises. Yes. This is an immersive book experience. And they're like, what happened? And you say, I just found the chips in here. Could you just do it in the bathroom? Could you just stand up and loudly announce I have to go to the bathroom for the other reason? If I walked into a public restroom and saw you being just standing

here eating chips, I would call the police. No, I would get someone who once walked into a bathroom and saw someone eating corn on the cob. Yes. I think chips would be much less confrontational. Okay. This is how that scene would play out. You walk in, you make eye contact, and they go, I want it to be quiet. Okay. I'm going to go be in the periodicals. I would probably get, I would probably get a little sassy about it and just assume they're lucky I'm at a library. Yeah. My mind went to, I would say like, I'll, I'll let you go, but you got to cut me in on this chips deal. But I don't think a bathroom's where I want stranger chips. I fucking love that show,

man. We also take questions from the audience, and we try to help those people. Here's the first one. I am a father of a five and a half year old girl who loves Barbies and especially loves when I play Barbies with her. Normally she's very creative making her own DIY Barbie clothes and furniture, but a problem arises when it comes to actually play with the dolls. The scenarios she puts her Barbies in are devoid of any conflict. When I play with her, I try to instill some sort of small crisis for the dolls to overcome, like, um, running late to the airport or fighting a monster. Every time I try to create some sort of story, my daughter argues that only good things can happen and pretty much gives me a script for what my Barbies are allowed to say and do.

How can I teach my daughter to craft compelling stories so we can keep playing Barbies together? That's from Mattel Melodrama in Manhattan. Are you here? Hello. You could just, uh, chill and have a cake party J.J. Abrams and chill the fuck out. Nope. Hard disagree. When we play with our children, we are not playing that fun. We're playing to teach. In this day and age of content generation, multi-transmedia, multi-year streaming deals, the number one skill you can pass on to your children is fucking narrative crafting. Yeah. Can't wait for, can't wait for Charlie and BB to get their shows on CISO too. Hey everybody, thanks for joining me. It's another episode of my actual play Barbie podcast.

You gotta teach these kids how to do a story. Yeah. Because here's my bet, right? Your daughter likes when nice things happen to Barbie because your daughter likes Barbie. I get that, but can you explain to her that that's not going to strengthen Barbie's will of character? It's not going to make her tough. Here's the thing. Yes, that's nice. But what is she learning? It's five and a half, two young to learn about the hero's journey. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Listen, yes, Barbie, Barbie thought she was doing okay, but she had to lose it all to find out how much she had a daddy production. Barbie has to grow. Barbie has to learn. Yes. Yeah. Barbie's great. But like,

what if Barbie had challenges that she had to overcome? And do you care more about Barbie now that she's succeeded or failed? I don't know. Right. Maybe we're still so early. We're storyboarding. Maybe Ken loses his job. Barbie has to take on a second job to cover. And then he finds that he really likes being at home. And Barbie's not cool with that because that fucking sucks. That's interesting. Right. And then they talk through their problems. Now their marriage is stronger than ever. Okay. Now I'm getting the, okay. I'm on the daughter's side. Now I just fled. Yes. Thank you. Welcome. Welcome to the team. You don't want to see Ken and Barbie deal with their marital issues? See, I had a fix for this that I was like, this is a good idea. I'm going to say

this out loud. And then I was like, no, it's not a good fix. My fix for it was just imagine the drama in your own mind, which is to say Barbie is going to leave Ken one of these days and doesn't know how to do it and just keep that in your play with Ken. But at that point, your play is going to be different and the daughter's going to know why. Yes. I do that with Daniel Tiger's neighborhood. Right. You're just assuming they're eating the gazelles off screen. Well, the thing that I'm always wondering is what happened to Prince Monday? And I think about it all the time. When I'm watching that show, I believe that there was a bloody coup in which Prince Tuesday overthrew Prince Monday. Right. I think about it all the time. I know the problem.

Barbie and Ken can be happy. They should be happy. But who's that that just moved in next door? Third wheel, adding some drama into the story. Kind of like stinky dug or whatever. You know, you need your depri of your me and depri. You need your depri. You know, it's a ceilator has moved in. Ceilator moved in next door. Property values are dropping. Now we're at drama. Is she too young to learn about the stinky dug journey? Here is a yahoo that was sent in by Sophie. Thank you, Sophie. It's yahoo answers user Michael who asks, we have soft flesh on the outside and hard bone on the inside. You've got Justin's attention now reel him in halfway through. We have soft flesh on the inside and on the outside and hard bone on the inside.

Stop selling. Stop selling. I love it. Animals like crabs and insects have soft in the inside, hard on the outside. How does that work? Huh. How do they even move without bones in there? Right? Is it just their jelly squishing around until it walks up? Jelly pushing up against their armor. Well, this seems like a poor design choice. Thank you. If you could trade. I hate seeing you hold that microphone. I do not know. If you could trade feeling the breath of your newborn baby on the nape of your neck, if you could trade that for bitching armor that helps you to sever your enemies. Yes.

Obviously, right? Yes, obviously. I mean, listen, we've all dreamed of a mugger pulling a knife on you, going to stab you in it, shatters against your carapace. No knives. No knives. There's no more violence. We fixed violence. There's no point. Everyone's got armor. Everyone's got exo plating. There's no point in doing crimes. Right. Everybody's got claws for hands and exo plating. There's no crime anymore. What would be the point? I mean, there would still be, you could still embezzle, even if everybody had a carapace. Are you going to embezzle if you know your boss has giant exo claws? Yes, because in the world, you've paused it and he can't get through my armor. Some people have better claws than other people. Okay. So now there is some.

There's still disparity. There's still some violence. There still have and have nots, but we don't fix it through crime. There's no more crime. Okay. There's no violent crime. There's no white collar crime. Milk. Milk is a controlled substance in this world, because we don't want people get, we don't want the imbalance to get too wild. I love the skull. The skull's great. God, I love the skull. I'm wild about it. Cool stuff. Brain helmet in my skin. Good stuff. I love how if I, if they cut through the top of my face, it'll stop because the skull will stop before the brain. Skull says not so fast. But what, here's, my friend brain is in here. Let me, let me flip it on you. If there's a part they can't cut through,

let's put that on the outside. Then I don't even got to worry about knives no more. God, come on. As long as we're doing a note session for God, I would also say ribcage. I love that. I love that. Protecting my thing. Why is the hole in the middle? Make it solid. This protects everything. Why would you hold it like that, dude? It stops in my tummy area. If we're talking about solid chest keys. If we're talking about vulnerabilities, you know my brain's in here. You know that that soup's important. And we love this skull. I love this skull. But, but can we talk about the two holes you put in the front with the bull's eyes in front of them made of jelly? And are you sure? And this thing here that if it's hit wrong,

I die. I die? The thing that's literally in front of me all the time. You put a hoop's destruct button on the front of my face. Are you sure? And also as long as we're at it, weak points here, here, here, here, here, here, here. Solid bone. Thank you. Also, if sugar bad, why it tastes so good. Yes. Thank you. You're gonna help me help you. Why does the sugar make our mouth bones fall out? Yes. And while we're talking about mouth bones, why I got a floss? One solid piece. One big, one solid jumper. I love your son. All his great stuff. I'm crazy about it. But the two holes in the front are so bad. I'm not wild about that. I'm not wild about it. What if I had plating right here that I had to flip up? Yes. Say cool stuff or eat hot dog.

Imagine it. I've improved your creation. You're very welcome. But I'm your creation. So you shouldn't feel bad about it. Yeah. All right, that's asked and answered. We solved it again. How many of our questions could we solve just by giving God some notes? Is it an issue that I shop for underwear online while at work? I do have big, very visible monitor. And it's not like I'm... It's not what I thought that sentence was going to... I have big, very visible underwear. That's how I like it. That's my style. Prominent. They hang out the top of my pants and form basically a skirt. It's rad. I like my underpants billowy. I do have very big visible monitor and it's not like I'm in an

enclosed office. Should I just wait to order things in general when I'm on a personal computer? That's from still not currently using my personal computer. I would hope not. This is a live show. Are you here? Oh no. That was fucking chilling. They got caught. They're in jail. Well, if you ever run into this exact scenario at your job, I guess we can keep going. Hey, maybe don't shop for anything while you're at work on your big visible monitor. Okay. It's been a long time since any of us have had like solid office jobs. It's not 100% of the time work. Right. We all know that. You know that. That little time to yourself. You may... Right. If you're there for, say, nine hours, you're doing three hours of work. Wow. It's like an employee

of the month. I would say though, if somebody's like, Justin, that's not a work time activity, I'd say, well, I need the underwear to come to work. If I don't got these, I can't come in. Okay. You don't want that. I don't want that. You don't want me having stuff wicked away from my business. I got to wick stuff away if I'm going to sit here and handle the big amount. I need top notch wicking. Are you watching YouTube video reviews of cereal? I got to eat the cereal to get calories for work energy. It's a business expense. The work thing. You could do what I did when I worked for Tommy Smerl and wanted to watch a vid or listen to some Pandora tunes where I would just get the browser window real, real small. Oops. Like a secret microscope. Hello underwear. You can't see

all of it at once. You got to just look. So even if somebody was looking at your computer, they'd be like, that's a fucked up pop up ad. How did it get? Nope. I'm getting underwear. Thanks, Tommy. Could you? He'll never catch me. I understand that you have a big visual monitor and you work in like an open thing, but could you do something like this where you have the monitor and you shop like this? And then when someone comes in, they're like, what are you doing? And you're just like, I hurt myself. This is how I have to look at my computer from no one. Can you take your computer monitor into the bathroom? This one also solves a lot of problems.

Yeah. That's why I spent most of my jobs in the bathroom. Not this one. You'll be happy to hear. I do most of this one in the office, but I'd like to play out of scenario here. Okay, sure. Justin, I would like you to play the boss. Okay. What kind of a boss am I? Um, you like to think you're everybody's friend, but listen, you're still all about the bottom line. So a boss then. Yeah. And you've just walked up to my desk. Who am I? Who am I in the scene? You're kind of the office prankster, but you really haven't done a joke in a while. Okay. Cause you're going through something at home. Right. Sure. Sure. Sure. And everyone still thinks of you as the office prankster and you're in a couple of days. We'll

put together. Okay. So you've just walked up and I'm shopping for underwear on my computer. Travis. Oh no, my name's Derek. Sorry. That was on me. Okay. Continue. Derek, you're, give me all the money in the office. I've got a katana. Okay. Hold on. One note. Was that meant to be a prank or are you playing that? Well, it depends. How rough is this stuff I'm going through at home? Not quite there. Okay. It's a prank. There's a prank. Oh, other Derek. Did I scare you? You did. You've been practicing with your katana. Two years just for this prank. I know it's not good for me to lead with criticism. So I'm going to try to ease into it. Okay.

So Derek, have you seen this? This is a new movie, The Joker, everybody's talking about. Have you seen this, The Joker? The one with Jared Leto? I don't get out to the movies very much. They make peg nauseous. Anyway, my wife pegged that I have. You have a wife pig? My wife pegged you had her at your party. Yes. Anyway, this computer screen you got going around. I love all most of its work, but some of its underwear. Yeah. Well, I guess the cat's out of the bag. I was shopping for a present for you. Oh boy. That's really nice. But if pig friend's underwear that she doesn't probably be in my jurors, I think we're going to have a little bit of a problem at all. Holy shit. Oh, now he's dying. Other Derek, get over here. You see me behind him with two

knives in his back. Yes. No, you took the prank too far. That's not a prank. You've killed him. Blood gas, blood gas, blood gas. If only we had our hard stuff on the outside. None of this would have happened. No, no. And scene. I guess. Here's another yahoo that was sent in by Debra. That's a listener of our show. Yeah, that's fair. Thank you, Debra. She said in a normal voice. Ray, if you're listening, your voice is normal. It's fine. We all have different instruments. Uh, it's by, asked by Yahoo Answers user, Ted, who asks, Matthew McConaughey fan fiction? Does anyone know where I can find fan fiction about Matthew McConaughey? The internet? It doesn't need to be anything crazy. Just like going about his life. And maybe a mystery

happens. Okay, listen, I was prepared to perhaps mock this person. Right. As we so often do. But if there was a TV show, right, in which Matthew McConaughey played himself, just trying to go about his life, making movies, fool's gold tour, whatever. Right. And also mysteries just kept bobbing up and no one else is going to take care of him except him. Right. I would watch the fuck out of that. That was true detective, basically. Dang. Okay, so here's how we're going to do it. Okay. We're going to do one word at a time. Jesus Christ. And it'll be the rest of the show. Now we're just going to build and see if we can come up with anything good. And if it's bad, if the story starts to go wrong, we'll jettison it and start again. I'll start. Matthew. Project. Fuck.

That close. He could still be there. He could still be there. There was no prompt in there that said, and please don't include Matthew Roderick. McConaughey projects his middle name. Nice. Okay. Was pulled pulled it from the fire drinking a whiskey. And it's you milk with a tall Matthew statue. It's a statue of Matthew. So far, the story rules. Yeah, I don't think this is working. Let's get the mystery in there. Okay, let's start again. No, we'll keep going faster, though.

Okay, right, right. We're overthinking it. Yes, you're right. Okay, the gunshots rang out in the car. Okay, I messed up. This is the shortest mystery. He instilled hope in a generation of musicians. Anyways, the end. We've done it again. Not bad. We didn't even get to the dog or love interest I had planned. Do you think mysteries just naturally happened during Matthew McConaughey's day,

in which case this would not be fan fiction, but nonfiction? This would just be his diary. Yes. The memoir. I think any mystery that happens in Matthew McConaughey's life ends with, it was Woody Harrelson that stole my weed. Oh, that's right. I left my bongos at Woody Harrelson's house, something along those lines. That's right. I asked Woody Harrelson to watch my dog. Right. Anyway, should we do another question? My office holds mandatory annual safety meetings, but I skipped this year's meeting to go to the DC Mbem-Bem show in September. HR told me no problem. Just come to the makeup meeting, but then they scheduled the makeup meeting for today.

And I missed it to see Mbem-Bem live again. In my defense, I bought the tickets away before they scheduled the meetings. It's less cool. You should have just left that out. Anyway, I liked it better when you're a rebel. Can you give me the lowdown on office safety so that I can accomplish both things today? That's from Super Save in Silver Spring. Are you here? Oh, real close. Hello. In the splash zone. Hey, Paulie, can I chill with you for a little bit more wine whenever you get a second? Little vino. Thank you, Paul. Little vino, Paul. Thank you. So first and foremost, yes, you've got to find a comfortable level, angle, height for your chair. You're going to

sit in it every day. Yeah. And you're going to think, I'm a little uncomfortable now, but it's fine. I just got to get to work. And then you're going to be at that job for 46 years. Yes. And it's going to break your insides. Yeah. Get a comfortable chair. Yeah. Spine will be all twisted up like hollabread. Yep. It'll be a nightmare. Yep. Next, the printer is super heavy. Thank you. Yeah. So be careful about that. You're, that's going to sound like a challenge. And you're going to think, oh, yeah, it's not a challenge. It's a warning and a threat. Don't try to pick up the printer. It's really fucking heavy. This isn't us saying like the printer's heavy for most people, but somebody,

this is like even Chad can't pick it up and he's really, really strong. He works out all the time and I saw him try to lift it and he went, oh, that's heavy. That's how heavy the printer is. You're telling me Chad, who was on the cover of the October issue of big guys monthly, can't lift it, but you think you can. The printer's so fucking heavy. Don't be smart. Also, don't do stair tricks. I know it's exciting. You want to do tricks on the stairs. You want to impress the young guy who just got a job in the mail room and has a sick scooter and he can do stair tricks, but he's a young guy. And stair tricks are a young man's game. Don't impress him that way. Impress him by like buying him beer or something. He'll appreciate that.

Don't do stair tricks, especially not if you're carrying the super heavy printer. Don't touch the fucking printer. But if you did, but if you did touch the printer, no sunglasses at work. You're indoors. It's too dark. You're going to fall down the stairs. Don't turn off all the lights so it's a quote, even playing field. No one will be able to see your sunglasses. It's pointless. Also, and they probably would be too scared to even cover this in meaning, but we're going to talk about emotional safety. Don't. Janice is going to compliment you. Right? She is. She wants something. She is using it. Don't trust Janice. Not everybody can use the forklift. They make it look easy. It's not. It's cool. I played Shinmue. It doesn't matter.

You will find nary an X button on the entire thing. I'm not saying don't do it, but if you could use the forklift to eat with and film it and put it on YouTube and have it be like a whole viral thing of like, I ate with a forklift. Like that is pretty good. And that might impress the guy in the mail room. Yeah. And I know what you're thinking. Forklift, copy or loophole. I'm lifting it with a copy of the forklift. It's not going to work. It's not going to work. It's too heavy. The printer's heavy. It is a printer and scanner and fax machine. All in one. That's heavy. Don't go in the the elephant pin because you think you can beat them in a fight. This is if you work at a zoo. Yeah, specific to that. If you work at a zoo, I could do a lot just off the top of my head.

Lift your knees. Lift with your knees. No, I'd like the first one better. Hey, come on, Mr. High Stepper. Get him up there. And I'll help you to not trip on Lego building. It's true. That's true. If you lift your knees, they're way up off the floor. Something I was thinking about. Breaking. This just came in. This is breaking news. This is a breaking. Whoa. Yeah. This is a breaking on a doll watch just came in. I got a notification. I love what happens when I'm at a show already. It's really convenient. Yeah, it's weird when it just happens like at home or while you're sleeping or something.

Yeah, true. Hey, if it just came in, why are you having to search through your phone? Does it not serve? I want to be I want to bring up a photo. We'll cut this part out, but just so you all can. Holy fucking shit. So what's up? This is a monster. Protection troll doll, mystical, forest, idle, rare, haunted. That's right. A troll haunted doll. All of our interests are colliding. Do I do I need to buy another protection doll to protect me from this doll? Yes. Okay, cool. It's a perfect scam. This is from curious imports. This is written in the style. I mean, it looks like an e e Cummings poem. Yeah, structured in a very fun way. Protection troll by Langston Hughes.

New resin stands four inches high. Measurement does not include the hair. Good. No need to brag. Oh, don't worry. I'm not counting the hair. This is your personal protection troll. Then why do they have it? He will protect you and keep you safe. While keeping you safe, he will make sure that no one can harm you. An important component. You all agree to keeping you safe. Give me all your money. Good luck, Robert. I have this toy. No one can bring make sure that no one can harm you or come in your life to bring harm. We all know some people like that. Janice. Protects against thieves and criminals.

Cancel your AVT. You've got this troll keeps your personal possession safe and you from harm. We've established that at this point. I think that this is my bodyguard and it's a troll. It is said that when you hold him and speak to him, he will listen. Well, that's nice, isn't it? I always love in these, by the way, when I sit and start with, it is said as if the person riding it isn't the only one saying it. I am saying that you can talk to this, I guess. And also, what's the other option? You start talking to the troll and the troll just goes, pulls out his phone. To keep your troll doll happy, offer him some sunflower seeds. Okay, I didn't know this was a transactional protection because now that you sound like

you're in the mob. Yeah, what if I don't give him enough seeds? Will he let someone harm me? I'll keep you and your small business safe. Don't worry about it. Just slamming some of them sunflower seeds. Just some more seeds. Your last shipment didn't include the juice. So offer him some sunflower seeds or a small glass of water or wine. Just sit this next to him and you may notice it gone. I don't think I will. Like, probably not. Also, I know what will get you better protection between the water and the wine. I want this troll drunk and I want him angry. Now, hold on. I don't know that I want my protector spirit drunk. No, troll, stop the criminal. If you hear movement in the home at night, that is when trolls become most active. Okay.

Only means he is making sure everything is safe. Okay. You have, because you have now told this person, one, this troll will keep you safe. Two, if you hear someone breaking into your home, it's probably the troll. That's the sound. Do not call the police. That's the sound of safety. Honey, do you hear something? Don't worry, darling. It's the troll. Go back to sleep and enjoy that diamond necklace you're wearing. Once you bond to your troll, his energy will be with you and travel with you. You do not need to carry him with you. Okay. So I'm at the Double Tree Philadelphia. I hear a glass smash and someone comes in and starts rooting around. It's fine, sweetheart. It's the troll. That's how you know that his spirit is still with us. Yeah. Oh, and

you know, I probably forgot to leave a bowl of sunflower seeds for him. He's probably just a hunky boy. Get this little guy with you while you can. Very rare and hard to find. It's a fucking troll doll that you painted black a little bit. I mean, he's on eBay. Not that hard. Yeah. As all of you that have shopped with us before, get this while you can. Our items go fast. This is the only time this will be listed on eBay. When the auction is over, we will not relist this item. Oh no. Wait, isn't that how it always works? No, no, no. This person's saying you have one chance to buy it. If you don't buy him now, he's sticking with me. I've grown too attached. Or I have to throw him into a volcano, which is what the scroll said to do. By the way,

there's a scroll. It's so important that you read it, but I did lose it. Where's the part where it's like, by the way, this is all bullshit. You're buying garbage. eBay makes me say this. As required, all metaphysical items are sold as curios. No claims are made. All information based on historic lore and who do slash mystic beliefs. Anything that may or may not happen is up to the one who uses the item sold for entertainment purposes only. This is directly followed by all metaphysical, supernatural and haunted items. Do not have on off switches. Some items take some time to work and some work right away. And then there are some that may not work at all for a person's needs. You must consider this one purchasing items. If you do not know how to use

or active contact us and we can assist you, please for the love that is all this holy, please figure out a way to redirect those calls to my personal cell. I would do anything to be like, hello. Yeah, the trolley. Listen, I was robbed terribly last night and your troll didn't do anything. Well, let me see. Let's do some troubleshooting. Let's use some troubleshooting. Did you leave out sunflower seeds and wine? Yeah, I don't know what to do for you. They don't know. Not all of them work for some people. Did you flip on the on switch? That was a test. There is a one. There is a one. Anyway, that's your haunted doll watch for this Hey, everybody, it's Griffin. Thank you so much for listening to this live

episode of Mabin Bam. Like we have said the past couple of weeks, we are sort of filling in time. Travis and Teresa just had a baby and so we're giving him a little bit of a break. And we will be back with new non-live, I guess, dead episodes of Mabin Bam next Monday. So stick with us till then. This is the second of our Brooklyn shows. Actually, it was our first. The first one we put up was our second one. It's confusing. But I hope you're enjoying it and got a couple sponsors to tell you about real quick. The first one is Audible. Audible has the books that you listen to, that you hear. A lot of people eat books with their eyes. Audible says, what about yours though? And no matter what your resolution or goal is this year, 2020,

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Audible originals that you can't hear anywhere else. You can listen on any device, any time, anywhere, and keep your library forever, even if you cancel. So start listening with a 30-day Audible trial. Choose one audiobook and two Audible originals absolutely free. Visit Audible.com slash brother or text brother to 500-500. That's A-U-D-I-B-L-E dot com slash brother for a 30-day trial. Also, I want to tell you about Squarespace. Squarespace, they build the websites. Technically, I guess you build the websites. They build the thing you use to build the beautiful websites that you can use to showcase your work, sell products and services of all kinds or promote your physical or online business or whatever the hell, man. I don't think Squarespace is going to kick

in your door and be like, wrong. They got beautiful customizable templates created by world-class designers. Everything's optimized for mobile right out of the box. They have free and secure hosting. There's nothing to patch or upgrade ever. It's a good platform, folks. I don't know what else to say. We have a couple websites we've made with Squarespace and it's really easy and it all looks really good. So go to squarespace.com slash mybrother for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mybrother and you're going to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Just freaking do it. Thanks again for listening. Thanks to the Kings Theater for having us in this show in Brooklyn. It's an absolutely gorgeous

venue and we are so fortunate to get to play there. We are figuring out sort of spring touring schedule and we'll have more to announce there soon. I think there may still be some tickets available for our upcoming shows in Cincinnati here in February. You can find tickets to that at McRoy.family along with all the other, you know, merch and new video stuff, monster factory stuff, besties stuff, all kinds of new exciting announcements all at McRoy.family. And yeah, I think that's probably about it. So here's the rest of the episode. We'll be back again next Monday with a new episode of movement bam. So talk to you then. Bye. Star Trek podcasters to watch it along with. We're your guys. Sorry you're stuck with us.

The hell are you doing out here, Picard? I'm saving the galaxy. So subscribe to the greatest discovery. You can find it anywhere you find podcasts or at maximumfun.org. Hello. Hello. Hey, what's your, what's your name? I'm Charlotte. Hi, Charlotte. They, they, them are kind of herself. Okay. Thank you. A couple of years ago, my boyfriend's family rescued a pet pig and I really like her to think that I'm not afraid of her even though I am. Okay. So she's about 250 pounds. Holy shit. What? You're completely justified. She's a popular pig and she really likes his mom. She's okay with his family, but we live about an hour and a half away. So we don't see her very often. So I haven't really had a chance to like

bond with her. She hasn't really warmed. Right. I've kind of given up on the dream of like being cuddly with her and friends with her. But I'd like to kind of be able to walk past her without her kind of intimidating me. Yeah. You're going to have to intimidate her. I'm sorry. Yeah. Do you eat bacon as a rule? I've been a vegetarian for six years. Dammit. What's the problem? That was my whole thing. What about like vegetable bacon? Does that exist? It does. I don't know if she's super into it. Pig to be intimidated because she's eating vegetable bacon. Nothing you said made sense. So I know I said it out loud. It's fine. So just to work on the phrasing of the question, you want the pig to think that you're not afraid of the pig. You didn't come to us and say,

how can I stop being afraid of the pig? Because that's not even an option. This pig is a monster. This is a kaiju pig at this point. Basically. Have you seen the pig do anything bad or dangerous to another human being? Not to me, but occasionally she'll kind of, well, to me, yes. Are you okay? Are you okay, Charlotte? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My boyfriend and his family is not afraid of her. Like if you push past her when you're going past her, she's fine with it. She just senses my hesitation. You're putting a lot of thoughts in this pig brain. Are you sure that the pig senses your hesitation? Okay, I don't know how to convince the pig that you're not intimate,

but I do think I know a way for you to get over this. You're going to need to get like a two and a half pound pig. Walk past that confidently. You've done it. Good job. Now like a five pound pig. Yes. Walk past that. You're going to end up owning a lot of pigs. Yes. This is a bit of a commitment. Yeah. It's going to be a Mr. Popper Spingwin situation. Oh, thanks. My name is Charlotte, so I think I was always envisioning having a boyfriend. There's so many reasons why this pig should love you. You can just spin a web. It says dead meat. Yeah, get in line. Okay, Charlotte, you have to turn the pig against your boyfriend and your boyfriend's family. So next time you go over there, I want you to stand in front of the pig, facing them and say,

no, you won't kill this pig. That's good. Not on my watch. I won't allow it. It's a good pig. Charlotte, you could try some stuff that intimidates me. So maybe bring up sports in conversation. Bring up sports or different kinds of cars that there are. Yeah. And you could bring up those while you're talking to the pig and the pig will be, if the pig is anything like me, probably intimidated. Does that mean it worked on me? So does it help? I think it doesn't hurt. Okay, good. Yay. Let's go over here. Hello. Hi. Hi. What's your name? I'm Adrian Cowles. Adrian Cowles. My brother, my brother, me a legend. Hi, Adrian. Extremely wild. Thank you for your service. I try. I know you've read a lot of bad yahoos to bring us some of the good ones.

Yes. Thank you for that. Mostly. Yeah. So I sent in two. Yeah, which one? Oh, God, Adrian, that's against the rules. Go fucking sit down. No, it's about you, of course, the one about you going to the bathroom at work. Yes. So I'm a teacher and I'm very, very inefficient. So thank you. Actually, I took my first day off of work ever today. It's my second year to come here. Okay. We need you more than those kids do. So I stay at work really late, like seven, seven, 30. I left at eight, 45 the other day. It's bad. And it's often just me and the custodial staff. Right. And you know, teacher, you just have to go to the bathroom all day. That's sort of your day. Wait, wait, what? Finally, a job I can sink my teeth into. You don't mean you mean you feel the

desire to go to the bathroom all day, not you just go to the bathroom all day, right? Yeah. Okay. So like the end of the day hits and like, I got to go to the bathroom. So I'll go to the bathroom and sometimes I'll come out and make eye contact with the custodian about to go like enjoy my work. Yes. The zodiac killer. I'm saying, don't worry. I did a very good job. No, no, no, no, it doesn't matter, right? Adrian, because if I'm understanding correctly, I know I'm getting ahead, but like, no matter how good of a job you do in there, if you're the last person they see, you're responsible for all crime in the bathroom. Do I wait until after they've cleaned it and be like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, you monster. I know that's the wrong answer. I'm just saying

that's my laundry. This is a thing that happens to me all the time because we tour a lot and we stay in hotels and every like, I always seem to time leaving my hotel room with as the cleaning staff is right outside my door and I will look at them and then just put the privacy please on on my handle like, you don't have to worry about it. Please, please. I'm so sorry about everything. I made coffee in there, I feel terrible. It is, the situation you described of going after

is what I run into at the airport a lot when I am sprinting towards the restroom as I want to do and they have the little sign up like, hold on, you can't go in here, we're doing our work. And now I feel so bad in the opposite arrangement where I'm like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna wreck it. Thank you. So there's really not a good order of operations here.

Maybe you could clean the bathroom when you're done. So then when they go in, they're like, dang. And they're like, thanks, that one's on me. Could you grade these papers? Ideally you should do that when you do your stuff anyway. Clean the whole bathroom. Well, at least maintain your own fortress. Yeah, maybe come out and say, I used the second stall.

I think you'll appreciate my pharaoh cleaning. Sign it. Yeah, if you find out an answer, will you let us know? Yeah, usually what I do is I'll go into the break room and if he's in there, I'll just like walk to the perturbed and pretend that's why I came in and leave. Yeah, yeah, that's a good one. Just go home.

I was worried you were gonna use the bathroom in the break room. I was also worried about that. There's a ficus in there that I really hate. Does that help? Absolutely. Thank you, Adrian. Thank you.

Hi, my name is Matt S, Matt Seriani. Hi, Matt. Hello. What is your question? Well, I also broke the rules and put in multiple. Jesus, Matt, you had one about a band you might have used to be in. Oh, yes, tomorrow I'm playing a show

and the band that I was in for two years and I left them by ghosting them is also playing that night. I'm actually opening for them. A sumptuous feast. Now, Matt, I'm so glad that you're at the microphone for this one. You gotta walk me through the timeline of how that happened

because I'm worried at some point you knowingly agreed to that. Well, I think I left the band in, oh man, July. You ghosted them so fucking hard that you don't know you left the band? One day you just realized you weren't getting it anymore. Yeah, no, that's kind of more or less how it happened. No, July, I think, was when I decided for myself

I wasn't in the band anymore. That's so recent, Matt. I know. That sucks. I just started playing music out of my own. I knew it was going to happen. Eventually, I didn't think it was going to happen this soon. Wait, are you a solo act?

Yeah, but I have a full band behind me. Oh, OK. I thought that you were just going to be there in the dressing room area with them. And they might even get confused as to why you were not also going on stage with them. And then they'll be like, oh, right. Matt doesn't work here anymore.

Matt, is it a situation where they have gotten wildly, profoundly successful? Is it Coldplay? Is Coldplay the band that you left last? Fortunately for me, not. It doesn't be even more embarrassed. Right, right. And then this would also be like a Machiavellian sort of plot

to get revenge on you. How do you feel about the fact that you are opening for them? I was going to say, Matt, like you left the band and now you're opening for them. I don't think you have to feel uncomfortable. Like, it seems like if I'm in that band, I'm like, huh. T-Shack, I guess he was wrong. And we were right.

Hey, Matt, play all their songs. There we go. Make them learn new shit on the spot. I want them to come out and be like, anyway. You put the lime in the coconut. Anything? Is that something? Where is it? I'm going to walk on stage and be like,

hey, I'm a insert band's name cover band. Yes. That's pretty good. You could also say that you're still in the band. You're just way, way, way, way, way, way off tempo. You're rushing a lot by about 45 minutes. Just keep saying like, I don't know where the rest of them are. Maybe they're in the bathroom.

Here's another one. Just keep getting more and be like, this is feeling good. Let's keep rocking. I'm just going to keep this set going. When they come in and say, and this is my closing act, I'm going to walk on stage. Does that help? Absolutely.

Thank you, Matt. I feel like we just dragged you for a while, but thank you for saying it helped. Hello. Hi. How's it going? Hey, is that a McElroy family branded fanny pack? Hey, sure.

Wow, those available at McElroyMerch.com? All right. I bet those are so convenient for carrying around, say, dyes or snacks. We've already got their money. The Pepto-Bismol. Pepto-Bismol. Hey, now.

We should have an official sponsor to deal with them. Does that come with them? It may as well. Anyway, hi. What's your name and question? Hi, my name is Rachel. She heard hers. Thank you, Rachel.

So I'm a server at a Hibachi restaurant. I've worked there for three and a half years. And per the use, they do the cool onion volcano and things like that. A waste of an onion, according to some people. There are better ways to cook the onion. Thank you, Travis. We can't relitigate this.

I want to do cool tricks, too. Right. Please help me. But you're not a chef. Absolutely not. You're a server at the restaurant. Absolutely. Have you had training to do these things?

They trained me three days, and then I was on my own. OK. OK, but they didn't train you. Sorry, yes, I think you misunderstand. Don't flip things. They trained you to be a server and not spill drinks on people. Not how to, I don't know,

spin a plate on your nose. Yeah, can you go to wherever you took the training and say, like, I'm ready for the master course, where you teach me to slide somebody's wine glass off of a sharp knife onto the tape? I don't know what kind of these tricks look like. Listen, I say you got to walk before you can run. You just need to start doing the tricks.

And at first, you won't be good at it? None of us are. And very quickly, you'll lose your job? That's fine. But then you'll get another job. And you'll do a little bit better there. And you can say, and you don't have to tell them. You can say, one of my pride as a server at this place

is that I never try to do any Hibachi tricks. And that's never been a problem for me. And I don't expect you to be one at this facility. Fucking day one. You're just flipping shrimp into people's mouths. Higgledy, higgledy. There's lots of other restaurants you could try. You could just hand them an empty glass

and you have the pitcher of water. And you say, now I'm going to stand back as far as I can and fill that glass. And then just throw the water up into the air. Into your open mouth. Just holler when you get a powerful thirst to go in. Do you do that? If you're the server at one of those places,

can you be like, oh, you need some ketchup? No problem. Just toss it behind your back and catch it in your front. Add a little bazaar. Yeah, you can do some cocktail stuff. Some knife throwing into the table. Now, you just look horrified at that. This is your idea.

We are not even yes anding. We're just saying yes. You know, be a badass trick. Turn the table all the way up on heat or whatever. And then walk up and just say, I hope you all enjoy your food tonight. Stone-faced. Put your hand right on the table.

Go into the sunken pot. Like, you don't feel it. I do have one thing that usually gets people that people don't expect. So we take the order. And we turn it into the chefs. We're like, here's the food. And then we go take the soups out to the table.

And it's, they're hot. Like, they're hot. Like, soup is. They are hot. They are 98.5% of soup is. And people see that they're steaming. And so it really annoys them that we have to say that they're hot.

So when I hand them out, I take the first two. And I set them to my left. And I go, guys, I just want to let you know the soup is soup or hot. That's not a trick, though. It's a good thing. No, it's fucking so funny, obviously. Listen, that rules don't get me wrong.

But it would be like if you handed them the bowls upside down and flipped it over and it was full of soup. That's an awesome trick. Or if you said, you know what else is super hot? And then you put your hand on the fucking hibachi table. Or you hand them that. And at the bottom of it is a note that has their name and social security number on it.

Because here's the thing, I don't know how much you can flip. But you can become a mentalist. And listen, it's not the same kind of trick. But I would say mentalism is like the hibachi of magic. Yeah, man. For sure. Does that help? It helps so much.

Thank you. Thank you. No, thank you. Hello. Hi. You can angle that up if you want. Just point the microphone. Yeah, you got it.

Hi, I'm Jake. Hi, Jake. Jake. Short while back, I requested some time off. And my boss gave it to me even though I didn't have vacation time to use. It was about 5.36 in the morning after a 13-hour shift. And I was very tired.

And when he went to shake my hand, I panicked and I hugged him. Nice. Choice. Right. How do I erase this from his memory? Right. And how do I overcome my new fear of handshakes? Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, you can practice that. There's some YouTube tutorials about how to land that, in particular, spacecraft. So this is a lot like kind of calling your teacher mommy, yes? On that note, do you want to hear where it gets worse? Yeah. You called your boss mommy?

No, I may have accidentally thanked him by saying, thanks for getting me off those days. Jake. OK. Cool, Jake. Cool, Jake. I am 100% not lying to you. I need to leave.

Here. No, Jake, come back. You didn't need to clarify that you weren't lying. We knew. You can tell. I was. I had a rather emotional little speech lined up about how a hug can be nice with consent.

And then maybe it just brought you two closer. And maybe it was special, but then you talked about how you did kind of a jizz joke. And now I don't feel like my thing is going to cut the mustard anymore. There was definitely an avenue I was going to ask, did he hug you back? It was in a nice moment.

I do actually need to know this information. Did he hug you back? So it was kind of like an awkward side hug at first? A Christian side hug, yes. And then we shook hands over it kind of? Oh, my god. Oh, no. It's the worst possible.

I would have just stood there. You'd be stabbed in the flank with a switch blade. Did you then accidentally pull his arm off? And then you yanked on his pants. Like, what happened? And then your pants fell down. Holy shit, Jake. God, Jake, you fucked up so bad.

OK. You should have asked us before, well, we could have done something. So, Jake, my original question still holds. Did he hug you back at any point? I mean, you put one arm back around my back too, I guess. It was the weirdest, you know, kind of like. Yeah, weirdest imaginable hug, yes, we've established.

So you might have actually reached a point that weren't going to him and saying, I also know how bad that was. We are past the point of joking now, Jake. I'm worried about you and this other person who, both of you, were in this moment. I'm finally in complaint with HR, not against you or myself, but against the moment. Yes.

Like, you should both be mad at fate and what it may bring you together. A lot of people talk about serendipity, like it's always a good thing. Nope. Sometimes it gets you. Sometimes two human bodies interlock in such a way that it butterfly effects out and causes World War III.

Have you? It's not a butterfly effect. It got you immediately. It was a bee effect. You put your hands together on top of a bee and it got you. So, Jake, where do you work now? That's actually the thing is that my job pays too much to leave.

Yeah. So I'm kind of stuck in this money trap and this, you know. This seems like a question less about human intimacy and more about power dynamics, which is to say, you're going to have to be the boss somehow. And then you can say, now that I'm the boss, what was up with that hug? You're fired.

Jacob, you should apologize for this hug. Yes. It's time for jokes as past. You must apologize. Unless. No. Jokes is left around. Jokes, jokes, get out of here.

Unless. Jokes, step on the stage. Jokes, come on back up. Jokes, waiting in the wings. Come on down. Can you establish this as like your secret handshake with the boss? Do you perhaps have any friends in the office

that you can repeat this with in front of the boss? And the boss is like, oh, it turns out it's not weird. Yeah. Jake's just weird. Should we do the normal 2019 handshake for millennials and hip dads? Hey, jokes, off the stage, you can't just hug people. Yes, also that, Jake.

It's 2019. You have to apologize. It was an accident. It happened. You must apologize for the hug, Jacob. I would agree with Justin already. If it didn't go beyond just hugging someone to invading both their space and psyche.

And at this point, they're privacy. There's 3,000 people here. Jake, do you promise you apologize for the hug? Yeah. And you heard us miss. Thank you. Thank you, Jake. That's it.

All right, you can lower the house light. Thank you. Once Jake has been safely nestled, I don't want him to trip. No, that would be the worst thing ever happened to Jake. Jake, nice and cozy. We'll wait. Thank you.

All right, how's your seat, Jake? Is it cozy? Good. All warmed up. You guys. Like a nice warm hug. You don't have a microphone anymore, Jake. The power is all back here.

All right, if you could go ahead and turn their lights. Make them go away. There are too many of them. I can't. Come on. You monsters. Thank you so much for having us here at your beautiful theater. And I will also say, you're a beautiful town.

You're beautiful. You're Brooklyn. Palova town. If you don't have anything going on tomorrow, we're coming back. And there's just sleep in the green room. Yeah. Doing all the same jokes. Jake's going to be here.

It's going to be fucking wet. There's a few of you that aren't so far. And it would be cool if all of you did. Thank you. If you could just come to that show, we really appreciate it. Or maybe just tell a friend. Say I went last night. It was great and not at all awkward.

We have beautiful posters designed by Cary Peach out in the lobby that are so, so beautiful. If you bought one or got any kind of merch on your way out, you can grab a sticker for free on your way out. They become the monster tour sticker. Yes, Paul is texting me this information as we speak. He also says not to stick them to anything in the theater. So Paul's a cop.

We also want to say thank you to Sawbones for opening for us. Yeah. We got a book, too. It's called the Sawbones book. You buy it on Amazon or maybe in the hallway. I don't know. Also, speaking of books, pre-orders for book three of the Adventure Zone pedals to the metal.

Yes, that is available. Now you can go to the Adventure Zone. Well, the pre-order is available now. That was a bad way of phrasing it. You can go to theadventurezonecomic.com and pre-order it now. It will be out in July. But why wait? Yeah.

And go to our YouTube channel. We announced the new season of Adventure Zone today. The Travis is going on. It's very exciting. It's a really cool trailer, and you'll like it. Thanks to John Rodrick in the Long Winters for the user theme song. It's a departure off the album playing in the days to bed.

We have a whole trek back down to, like, I don't know. We're staying in downtown, and we're doing this show here, because we're bad at planning. So we won't be able to hang out. We're very good at planning. We designed it this way. We're staying in the building where they do tutsi, all right? We're staying in the middle of the city.

We're staying in the building. This is not a joke. We're staying in the building where we did the blue carpet premiere of Margaritaville. We have to see. We have to re-chalk outlines of where we're going. Right. So we won't be able to hang out at this show.

It's unfortunate, though. But we'll be here tomorrow. It's cool. Just come see us tomorrow. Tomorrow's like the after party of this show. Right. This final Yahoo was sent in by Adrian Cowles. Thank you, Adrian.

Wherever you are. It's from Yahoo Answers user, Chris Kringle, who asks, does Subway have secret bologna? My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis Ackroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. It's my brother, my brother, my brother, because you're dead square on the lips.

Hey, the girls didn't want to say, hey, I won. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported. Hey, I'm Janet Varney. And like many of you, some more recent than others, I used to be a teenager.

In fact, just about all of my friends were too, including wonderful women like Alison Brie. I'm dead center on the balance beam. And this is like a big gym. All the kids' parents are there watching. I have to stop like you know when you have to pee so bad and you can't even move. And then I just go.

I just pee right in the middle of the high balance beam. So join me every week on the JV Club podcast, where I speak with complicated, funny, messy humans as we reminisce about our adolescences and how they led us to becoming who we are. Find it every Thursday on Maximumfun.