My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 496: The Hyena Hole

Episode Date: February 3, 2020

Listen folks, because this is the last time we’re gonna say this: Hyenas go in the Hyena Hole. Please, PLEASE stop putting non-hyena things into the Hyena Hole. You’re disrupting the whole circle of life, and also, you’re REALLY riling up all the hyenas.Suggested talking points: Earnest Hogback, The Masked Listener, Pie Perversion, The Saltiest Chili, Football Twins, Part of Zoo.

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, and welcome to my Brother My Brother Mean Advice Show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I am. Let me check my notes. You're middleest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your baby, Griffin. Why didn't it feed me? Oh, wow. Why didn't it change my poo poo diaper?

Hey, Griffin, you just actually gave me shutters because I've got two kids now, and Justin's got two kids, and the idea of introducing a new baby to my family again. Well, here, why are you alone? Oh, boy. Griffin has introduced, this is actually a perfect segue, Griffin, what you just said about the fact that you're a baby. What was I saying, boy? No, it's just good. Tell me you understand what my baby boy needs. Milk, please. Here's what I wanted to say. It's 20 funny for your life of laughter and love,

and I feel like to do that, we're going to need to make changes in how we conduct ourselves in our daily lives. No more baby play? No. No, it's not that. For this episode, I was thinking about sometimes in this podcast, and I hate to admit it, but sometimes we say things we don't mean to try to make people laugh, and that's shameful to admit, but I'm going to go ahead and, like, Griffin just said that he was a baby, but that's not true, okay? I was a life, certifiable lie, yeah. Yeah, that's not true, what Griffin just said. He's not a baby.

For this episode, I'd like to say that, like, I just, I only want to say stuff that we really mean, and we could really stand behind it is true. Can I zero in real quick? Can we speak in metaphor and simile? Yeah, that's a literary thing. I just don't want you to say things you don't mean. But if I said, like, ugh, I'm a total baby, right, that's different than I am a baby. I think Justin's on some The Giver shit, where it's like, you can't say, oh, man, I'm really starving right now, because it's not, because it's false, and now we're going to, like, turn you into goo, or whatever. Yeah, just truth speak in this episode.

Can I speak my truth for a moment? Yeah, please, Travis. Stretch your legs. This is not just a joke I'm making to be funny. You fucking don't have to clarify that. We've already set that out. It is so obviously the premise. If someone offered to pay me $100,000, I could not name who is playing in the big game this year. Okay, this is interesting. Okay, I was, I am in the same boat, Travis. I was informed last night by my wife of who the teams are in it. I believe this one's going to be the four nines, and I think it's also going to be the chefs in this one. Great Googly Moogly. You remember that?

You remember Great Googly Moogly from, Justin, I want to play along with this bit, but if I can't reference the Great Googly Moogly Snickers commercial, what the fuck are we even doing? Okay, but I love that, but I do want to say, you said the chefs, and I need to dial in and to see if you think the name of the professional football outfit is the chefs, or if you have violated our contract of speaking the truth. I also said the four nines, and it's, I feel like- That could be, that's debate, unfortunately, it is a four and a nine. Yeah, no, I got a buddy who's like a diehard chief's fan. He's over the moon excited,

so I'm trying to glom on to that to give even the littlest bit of a shit about that Super Bowl, but I will say, and this is my honesty, you know this, the shine done come off that holiday apple as soon as my body stopped being able to process buffalo flavorings. Yes, as soon as my tummy was like, what's the plan for tonight? Chief, Sunday, big game. I'll be like, oh, I was going to go over to my friend's house. Cool, cool, cool. Here's a list of rules. No ranches, no buffaloes. No cheese. You may have a plate of ancient grains. You may have one bowl of quinoa. I knew that it was over

when during my Super Bowl planning, I uttered the phrase, oh yeah, nice, I think they have a cauliflower crust. That is it. It's done, it's done, it's done, it's done. So anyway, I am looking forward to seeing the boys out there throwing their own old hog ball around trying to get up. It's so hard to be earnest for one whole 60 minute period. You said you're looking forward to it, but then earlier you said you didn't give a shit. So which is it Griffin? I mean, I want to see the boys throw the hog ball. I want to see that, I want to see that hog sack get chucked. I'm going to say that I like

just an event where a lot of people seem to be, you know, culture is so fractured now. I like an event where everybody's just kind of on the same page and watching the same thing they don't really care about very much. But at least we're all getting together and doing it. Who's doing a half time show? You know, I think, I think I don't know and I haven't cared. Who are being so honest? It's Jennifer Lopez and Shakira, holy hell. That one's going to be good. Pepsi's going to do us right on that one.

I wonder if they'll use drones. I bet they'll use drones. They've used drones the last couple of years. Yeah. I mean, they'll probably both open their mouths, letting out a swarm of nano drones, which will go to the audience and give everybody a set of new AirPod Pros. Now Griffin, do you think? Yeah. Do you earnestly think that's too perfect?

I think that's a real scenario that could happen. I'm just, do you think that that's a scenario that could happen? I think it, hey, it could happen. So that's going to be a new thing that I'm working. It could happen. That's our obligatory football discussion. A far more earnest this year than past years. That's a bat where we're at with the Super Bowl. I don't know if the audience enjoyed it, but I did.

I like not having to put up a front and pretend like I care. Now that said, I'll probably tune in. I'll probably check out maybe like a middle 14, 15 minutes. The best bit. Oh, that's the heart of it. Yeah. I'll watch the seven minutes before the halftime show. You don't want to watch the last two quarters when all the boys are so tired already. So tired and they're sending in, let's be honest,

second and third string players. Yeah. Here comes fucking Dan Marino. Do you think there is a player on the team that knows they're the worst and is going into the game hoping, just like wondering like, I might get there. There is like maybe three to four people on the planet that are going to this game thinking like, I might get to play in the Super Bowl and I might not.

I actually don't know if I'll be participating in this year's Super Bowl. Here's what I'll say, Jamie, and if there anything like me having been the worst player on a lot of teams in my life, they're probably thinking, God, I hope I don't have to play in the Super Bowl. Fuck, I hope my dad's not here. Wow. I'm fine sitting on the bench. I have the best seat in the house.

Are you kidding me? A sort of, Travis was sort of an anti-Rudy. Yes. Please don't send me out. His whole team laid their jerseys down on the coaches just saying, don't seriously though, don't, Travis will die. Have you seen Travis' body? Holy shit. Hey, Travis asked us to come in here and tell you. He said he was worried about, quote, being annihilated.

So here's my jersey. Please don't put him in, coach. Travis is just wearing jeans and a t-shirt. He's watching the game on his phone on the bench. Please don't put Travis in. He's holding a big sign that says, I got ringworm. Yes, I do. So like, I don't even think he's allowed to be on the court. I don't think Travis showed up.

I think he just kind of skyped into the game. Please don't put iPad Travis on the field. Let's do our show. This is our show. Well, let's do the real stuff. Get to the middle mate. I want to get to the middle 14, as Travis has called it. Yes.

Where do I look when I'm being serenaded by my boyfriend? The only options I- For the exit! The only options I could think of are to stare at him dead in the eyes and smile awkwardly, look at my phone, or pretend to be tired of fall asleep. Each option sucks, but I really like his music. That's from creepily staring at Washington's day.

Wow, that's actually a difficult question to answer. It's a real one. I'm really glad you clarified that you do enjoy the being serenaded experience because otherwise- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! They enjoy the music. The serenading experience probably sucks shit. I read your mind.

You're talking about a masked singer kind of scenario, but maybe masked listener. Now we're talking. There's that. Now we're cooking. Yeah, imagine masked singer, but Chrissy Teigen is the one in the mask. Maybe she's paying attention. Maybe she's not.

We don't know. The nice thing about this is once you establish your masked listener character, you could maybe sub in your nephew or dog if you get bored. Yes. Of the music. Let me suggest this response. You kind of push your fingertips together, make a triangle with your hands, and you close your eyes and you kind of tell them,

yes, go on, go on, and you nod along with your eyes closed. You are just soaking it in. I got to close one. I'm using too many of my other senses. I'm going to plug up my dang nose and cover my eyes so that my ears are like, hell yeah, baby, we got more energy. The ship has transferred more energy over to us, the ears. Maybe you could look at your boyfriend and say,

wow, this music is really cool. And you know what that's got me itching for? And then you put on some shades. So far, are all of these earnest answers? Yeah, I mean, I think all of them will be good. Maybe not the masked singer one, but I would do the kind of steeple fingers. Steeple fingers closing your eyes is very good. I think sabotaging it, but in a loving way, is also really good.

Or just as soon as he starts playing, as soon as he starts playing Wonderwall, you can just kind of like, yeah, man. Yeah, that's great. I love this. If you do that enough, then there's no way they're going to be able to keep tempo. This rocks, dude. Yeah, you could do what my daughter does and just say, no, no singing. Well, that's not it.

My problem with the closing your eyes and making steeple fingers is I feel like if you do that exact thing, when your boyfriend finishes playing, he's going to be very disappointed if you don't open your eyes and are just like, that's it. I've heard enough. Yeah. This is the sound I've been looking for. Sign this contract. Welcome to Superstar Records.

I've been Randy Jackson the whole time, and I've been deep, deep undercover. Now, can you start clapping loudly and tell your boyfriend to match your tempo? Oh, that's great. Hmm. Maybe throw a symbol at them. Hit it on the one and the three. What? Just really goof them up.

You're dragging. You could focus really intently on his fingers like, how is he doing this? Just leaning closer and closer. Do it, Santana. I'm loving this. I, okay. I'm trying to put myself in the position. The closest I think I've ever been is when my friends were in bands or were writing music

or something, mostly in college, and would play me some of their stuff and just like on their computer. And I had to be there. And I think we can all agree, the eyes are a non-starter. You cannot look in the eyes because that's the window to the soul. And sometimes you're not ready to see what is in swirling around on there. So most of the time, I would just kind of look down at the ground and then like, after a few bars, I just kind of get a smile on my face.

Like, yeah. And you just sort of nod my head like, yeah. This is the 100% earnest answer of just like, I can't look at you, but you can tell from my bump in my head and smiling that this is a great old slice of Americana. Literally Griffin, as you were, even before you said like bopping the head, I want you to know, I started in started doing it, bopping my head, just picturing, listening to music because, and you're right. Because if I'm looking you in the eyes while you play your music and I'm bobbing my head,

it's going to be impossible for me not to start to say things like, oh yeah. Oh, uh-huh. That's it. You're doing it. Like, it's like, there is no way I could just make eye contact and bob my head. Because here's the thing. If you start that way, at some point, you have to look away. And no matter when that happens, it's going to be bad, right?

Because then it's like, and no more. Playing guitar is a shameful thing and it should be done in private. That's, I don't feel that way. I actually think that there are many contexts in which a little guitar music is nice. And obviously there's a lot of people that make a living from guitar music. So I don't actually think it's a shameful thing. Name three of them. Carlos Santana.

That's one. Mentioned him earlier. Uh-huh. Joe Satriani. Okay, two. Bella Fleck plays banjo, which is just around guitar. Okay. To name three guitarists, one of them had to play banjo for you.

Okay. He's a rural jazz banjoist. Here's a Yahoo that was sent in by Graham Robach. Thank you, Graham. It's an anonymous Yahoo Answers user who I'm going to call Bella Fleck who asks, How can I ask my friends to throw a pie in my face on my B-Day? So my B-Day, it's coming up and I'm going to go all out for drinks and food. Funny thing is, I've always wanted to be pieed in the face.

I'll be drunk, so it will be even more funny. Well, but I'm going to be wearing party slash going out clothes and will death have makeup on. So I want to get messy to make it more funny, but at the same time, not completely ruin my outfit, I'll probably be wearing a leather skirt and bodysuit, eddy-k, but I really want to make this the B-Day I get pieed in the face. How do I go about doing this? Like asking also what kind of pie would be best to be thrown in my face. I would like something that is comical, like makes a splat sound when the pie hits me in the face.

Thanks. Yes. Obs. Obs, you want a flat sound. You don't want like a pecan pie. That would just hurt. Fucked out of your rough. That's a dense pie experience.

Heads up. It just fell to the ground, unaffected. It made a perfect mold of my face. Like one of those pin toys. That's no good. You want like a, in fact, just a pie tin, an aluminum, soft, like flexible pie tin, full of whipped cream. It's really all you need.

Yeah. I feel like it's funnier though if it's got cherries and some crust. Well, cherries are going to stain, maybe like a custard. Hey, this is maybe a perversion, but now I'm just thinking about what it would feel like to have your face sort of slowly pressed into a pumpkin pie. Pumpkin pie is different. Pumpkin pie is solid. That would make us, holy, you want to talk about the splat sound.

Pumpkin pie is going to get you there, baby. What about a cheesecake? A cheesecake is going to make that same yucky splat. Oh, shit. Here's the problem. I don't think, I think just to run it back to the very beginning of the premise, I think that in the asking, you ruin it. Right.

Because then you're going to be like spending the whole event, like your anticipation. This is one of those things where sometimes anticipation makes you excited for something, but knowing a pie is coming because you asked them to do it, removes all spontaneity of it, right? Like it seems to me, oh, I think it just makes it more delectable because then you know that it's coming at any moment. You're surprised it could come at any moment.

I think it's got to be reverse psychology though. I think for weeks ahead of your birthday, you have to say things like, I just, whatever we do guys, I just don't want to get pieed in the face. Am I right? That would be too silly for me to even deal with. Turn on a fucking, turn on an episode of what would you do with Mark Summers, not with John Quinones, and just like every time anybody gets slimed or splattered or pie,

just be like, oh, the indignity. Oh, can you even believe it? Did you see that? He got pieed in the face. He could have gotten killed. I would like to ask you a request on behalf of all of the restaurant and bar owners that you may be attending on your birthday. I would kind of request that you not do that sort of in my business.

I would very much like to not have to sort of deal with the repercussions of your pie mess. Okay, here's what you do. And Justin, I've taken your concerns into consideration here. To first. And well, okay, hey, we don't need to air that in front of everybody, but and you're not going to mess up your outfit this way. Oh, but this is going to have to be something executed by your friends. So stop listening for a second.

Friends, listen, you're going to put the pie on the table in front of them. You're going to say, I worked so hard on this pie and I put a little something extra special in the whipped cream, smell it and see if you can guess what it is. And then you're going to push their face into it. No pie in face face in pie. It's going to control that whole splatter. I tell you what, man, just start you could if you want to do it Travis's way, you could just slowly scoop spoonfuls of pie filling and cream directly onto the areas of

the face, almost like you're doing some sort of rejuvenative mask. Because if we're if we're going to if we're going to just sort of break the laws as Travis has suggested, you know that this is this person's yucky splat perversion. And that is not going to get the fucking job done Travis. They need they need the terror of it. They need the horny fear of this pie. What if what if you're you're so excited for this? You think this is going to be the funniest shit in the world?

And then your friends pie you and suddenly you feel like I fucking hate this. Like, have you two boys ever been pie in the face? Yes, I've been pie in the face. I got pie in the face at church once, not during even youth group during a Sunday during a Sunday sermon about gambling. I think I have. I got splatted right in the face and folks, let me tell you at home. It's funny.

But you are being hit in the face with an object. Yes. And that feels bad. You have to come from the side, by the way. It can't be direct at nose because there is a plate in there. Feels no good. And I got to aim for the cheek. Aim for the cheeks.

So maybe that's the secret. But I definitely think that this is a nasty thing, that this person wants four sex reasons and sex purposes. What's with all the judgment? I'm not judging. I'm stating a fact. You actively said nasty. No, they like that.

With three A's. They like that. It's nasty, Justin. Okay. Like when I call them a sick freak, that's part of it for them. Capital S, capital F. They love that. In the grand fullness of time with everyone who's ever lived on the planet,

do you think that at least once someone has died from getting pied in the face? Yeah, absolutely. 100%. I think probably half a dozen clowns have died. Yeah, probably. Here's what I imagine happened. A first-timer pies their friend in the face. They leave it on there for two minutes.

And they just keep their hand up there. All of a sudden, they're just glasses and a bottle on the floor. It's not funny anymore. I could see that. I could also see maybe getting, like I said, direct on nose, direct nose hit. But you come up and at an angle like we're all afraid of when you get hit in the nose, right in the brain. That's it.

So I think let's just put out a PSA, folks. Pie the butt, pie the crotch. One of those two is going to be even funnier. And there's not going to be a lot of bad brain-based damage. I'm just going to say belly button pie. It's not bad. That's funny. That's funny.

A pie hitting you anywhere is funny. A pie anywhere but being held in your hands to be served at a table. That's not where a pie should be. Comedy is all about the unexpected. Upside down on top of the head. Don't do it right side up on top of the head. That's funny, like a cool hat. You'd have to balance it.

Here comes another question. I made a fuck ton of chili, which I plan to freeze and batches and consume over a long period of time. However, I just lost my job. So for the moment, all I have to eat is chili. How can I spice up my chili eating to make it a bit more diverse? This is from Too Much Chili in Chili. Pronounced Chilly Eye, New York.

It's Chyla. Too Much Chili in Chilly, New York. It's so weird that you live there. What a coincidence. You have a lot of chili. You don't want to eat the chili, but you must. They did want to eat the chili, probably speaking. They wanted to eventually eat the chili.

Right, but in this economy? I don't know what that means, but I assume it means that you've got to eat the chili. But how can you spice up? All right, let's get all the bad Cincinnati-based bullshit out of the way. Spaghetti gone. Hot dogs, tiny hot dogs. Little, little dogs. Little Franks, if I may.

Can I make a point, though? I do want to be clear. If they had money for hot dogs, this wouldn't be an issue. This is not the question that is before us. They are not buying other food. They need to spice up just chili. Like you can't say put it on top of a burger. That's not the option here.

I think we need to get kind of like a gastropub. Maybe take this molecular science kind of thing. Maybe we need to freeze dry some chili. Okay, I was going to say, I don't know. I mean, okay, you freeze dry the chili trap, but you don't have money to go out and buy liquid nitrogen. So I guess you just put it in the freezer for a long time. Yes, these are my chili popsicle.

You grate that. Oh, chili popsicles is very, very good. You can reduce it and keep reducing it. Yes. Until it's just gone. And that can be a fun science experiment for kids. Maybe like a chili, like a chili mist that you just puff. Chili, volcano, spicy, spicy, spice line.

Maybe a chili IV, puff the chili. Use its abrasive properties to cleanse your face skin. Throw some chili and some ice cubes into a blender. Make yourself a smoothie. That only works if you've got a blender. If you don't, stuff the chili and ice cubes in a big ziploc bag and just start stomping, baby. Maybe rather than we spice up the chili itself,

we rather make the consumption experience more interesting. Take the chili with you to different locations. Enjoy your chili at the movies. Enjoy your chili while feeding the ducks. Would you could you in a boat? Hey, I want to give you guys an idea and just tell me tell me if that's anything. Okay, because I'm not really sure right now.

Is it earnest? Yeah, it is earnest. This is something you could do. What if you added a little bit of salt to the chili? Okay. And then you tasted it and then you added more salt and you just tasted it again. And then you kept repeating that process until it was so salty

that you couldn't, you really just couldn't. You know what I mean? And then the next day you do the exact same thing again and with presumably more salt. You build up a tolerance. So yeah, so what I'm thinking is at the end of this experience, it will have been difficult for you, but you'll be able to brag like no matter how salty that chili is, I'll be able to enjoy it.

I can take my chili saltier than anybody you know. I can take the saltiest chili down. No problem. Hey, Terry, how are the news? Well, it's been a rough month. But the good news is no matter how salty and chill, I'm never going to send a chili back for being too salty. A lot of people would try spice, make it spicier and spicier

and build up a, I think that that reeks of a sort of false machismo. Yeah. I don't think you should do that. You want the most brackish chili? Give me the Dead Sea Chili. Yeah. Justin, you realize this other side of this is that all chili is going to taste absolutely fucking flavorless.

Yes. It'll be like eating chili in a commercial for antidepressants. Like you'll take a bite and you'll look down and it'll be gray. You deserve our eating chili. Everything's all gray. Yeah, but like you will have a fun personality quick of like, hey, I went to go eat chili with Derek and this is going to sound insane when he unscrewed the top of the salt shake and it's dumped right in.

Oh, you mean, you mean never pissed Derek? You're talking about, you're talking about shriveled Derek? The weirdest part was all the deer in his yard looking to lick him. That was, that was going to be the strangest part of going to Derek's house. This is so, I'm really enjoying this and that last one was kind of funny. But I do think it's about the time in the recording where we should stop for a moment to read the messages from our sponsors. All right, Travis, now do advertisements without saying anything you don't mean.

I love me undies. All of my underpants aren't me undies. All of my favorite, what? Why don't you marry them? There's no law in the books just yet that says I can marry them. But we'll see. That's what you say. 2020.

Now, that was not earnest. I don't think in 2020 there will be a law in the books that will let me marry my underpants. Who can say? This is earnest. Is this government fair? This is earnest that if I, if there was a mandatory law that said I had to commit to wearing one kind of underpants for the rest of my life, I would choose me undies. And here's the thing, not only do I love me undies, they love you.

And to show how much they love you, me undies has not one, but three new Valentine's Day prints. So you can match with your faves this year. Whether you're matching, uh, well, okay. Now me undies, you put even your dog. Is that earnest me undies? Yeah, man. They got dog clothes. Do you have dog underpants?

Yeah, dog buddy bands. I want to match my pet. Hey, it was earnest and I earnestly apologize for questioning you. Me undies has a great offer for our listeners. For any first-time purchasers, you get 15% off and free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee. To get your 15% off your first pair, free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee, go to me undies.com slash my brother. That's me undies.com slash my brother.

Hey, can I say something earnest? Yes. Hey, Vern. There it is. Very good. Yes. Finally, we earned it. Don't fucking do that to me.

Don't do that to me. We've been doing this 500 episodes. Don't do that to me. I liked it. I enjoyed it. I liked it. Stitch Fix is our next one. Stitch Fix is great.

They send you a box that's going to be just chock-a-block full of clothes. And those clothes are going to be picked out by expert stylists at Stitch Fix, who are going to work with you to figure out what you like, what fits, what's going to feel nice on you. What's your preference? Is it a season coming up? They'll keep that in mind. They'll ship you a box of clothes, shoes, and accessories.

And then you're going to try it on and you just pay for whatever you keep. Shipping exchanges and returns are always free. And also the $20 styling fee is automatically applied towards anything you keep from your box. So if you want to get started, you just go to stitchfix.com slash my brother. You're going to answer some questions about your preferred style. And your personal shopper is going to ship you a box of stuff. So get started today.

Stitchfix.com slash my brother get an extra 25% off when you keep everything in your box. That is stitchfix.com slash my brother. We're writing an entire screenplay week by week on Story Break Season 2, Heaven Heist. Hey folks, Freddie Wong here with some exciting news about Story Break, the writer's room podcast where three Hollywood professionals have one hour to spin cinematic gold. We're shaking up our format by turning Heaven Heist, one of our favorite ideas we've ever come up with on the show, into a full screenplay.

Heaven Heist is an action comedy about a crew of misfit gangsters robbing the celestial bank of heaven. Think a cocoa meets point break. Join us as we write this crazy movie scene by scene and get an inside look at the screenwriting process on our podcast, Story Break, every Thursday on MaximumFive.org. Why? Pizza Hut's going for two.

And hoping a couple lucky parents can convert on Super Bowl Sunday. They mean give birth to human life. The pizza restaurant returns to Super Bowl Live for its second year as the official pizza sponsor of the NFL on February 2. This year the family that welcomes the first set of twins born after kickoff is going to get amazing prizes. Oh boy. The press release goes on to say family has always been part of Pizza Hut's DNA,

which is why the restaurant will honor the MVPs making their own special deliveries this Sunday. The winning family will get a trip for two to next year's Super Bowl LV. Two years of free pizza and in honor of its ongoing commitment to literacy through its iconic bookit program will also reward $22,000 to kick off the twins education funds along with a custom curated starter library and handbook and picked by the bookit team. So Pizza Hut's book experts will pick books to send to your children. Now one thing that I find engaging about this

is that the people they have chosen to fly somewhere to a football game for two, they know for a motherfucking fact have two 12-month-olds almost to the day, extremely close to that. So there is, I would say, a thin chance of the parents cashing this in. I think it's kind of a foolproof system they've worked in. The two years of pizza they'll be gaga about. No question about it. The 22 large.

That's all right. For sure. These people are not going to the Super Bowl. They're not going to do it. They're just not going to do it. Who better to help Pizza Hut welcome the first set of twins on the biggest day in football than Super Bowl? Lee Champs and identical twins Devin and Jason McCordy.

We know parents don't get an offseason. So twins and parents are, you heard me. Sorry, bud. Shit, man. As twins and parents ourselves, we're pumped to help honor. Wait, what's that? We can't win? Shit.

Shit. Dang. We're pumped to help honor one lucky family welcoming twins on Super Bowl Sunday. We have awesome family memories with Pizza Hut growing up. And from the beginning. Treasured Pizza Hut. Our dad Pizza Hut would take us fishing. We've always been passionate about food, family, and football.

Those last two make sense, but what does the person know to do with Pizza Hut? It feels great to be a part of Super Bowl campaign that spotlights all three. So here's what you got to do. Parents with twins born during the game simply need to post a photo to Twitter of their new baby. Oh my God. Including exact types of birth with a hashtag hashtag Ph.T. win to win and hashtag promotion and tag at Pizza Hut to be included for consideration. I can't, there will be people who will spend

among the first moments of their child's life at least a few seconds. They will steal to stare at their phones. Give me that baby. Give me that baby. Don't wash it off. There's no time. Honey, there will be people who will have some permutation of this fucking conversation. Honey, please keep the babies in for just another moment.

So I can tweet a picture of them to Pizza Hut after the game kicks off. Please, I beg of you. I got to wait until I see that beautiful hog sack flying through the sky to indicate that football has begun. And then, oh, babe, you're screaming so loud. I know it's not good. Once that big beautiful ball arcs through the air, then the baby can crown and our life together can begin with this child.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to tweet an picture of our infant to Pizza Hut. Don't forget the hashtags, honey, both of them. Fuck, fuck, that's dire. The least they could have done. The least Pizza Hut could have done is told us about this contest last April. Yes, thank you. So that willing couples can mark it to the day early May,

pork down, drink whatever kind of tea you need to drink in order to make two of them happen, and try to aim your shot then. You know what I mean? Because there's a lot of people who are like, oh, shit, my baby's due in December. Ah, shit, my baby. My baby's not due until April. That sucks. Tell me last April so I can take a fucking, so I can line up my shot and throw that dart and see what happens.

Can I tell you, boy, something? We're missing a huge thing here, which is, I don't know about you guys, but Baby Dot was a scheduled C-section. There is 1,000 percent. Some parents out there going, would you happen to have any slots on Sunday? It's so grisly. Oh, I can't. I'm watching the big game.

Shit. All the doctors are watching the big game. Yeah, but if you try to schedule it during the big game, the doctor will probably tell you that. No, thank you. I'll be enjoying the big game. You can't schedule it. You have to trick me into coming with a series of riddles that lead to the hospital, and then and only then. What's that?

You're throwing a party at this address? And I just need to show it. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a second. There's an OR here. Um, not expecting twins? No worries. There's still a chance to be a winner.

See if you can find another baby that looks just like your baby. I would argue that by not expecting twins, I am feeling pretty much like a winner. All righty. Thank you very much, Pizza Hut. I don't need you to prop me up, but no worries. I will still have worries. Pizza Hut, thank you. Keep an eye on the Pizza Hut Twitter handle throughout the game on Super Bowl Sunday

for a chance to win great prizes. We'll be giving away two babies. Yeah. Keep an eye on, did you mean to say keep an eye on this fucking hashtag to see the adults that tweet a picture of their twins to Pizza Hut? Because I am going to be doing that for sure. Hey, just real quick. Just check it in, Pizza Hut.

What if it's triplets, but I only take pictures with two of the babies? It's not called going for three. It's not their field goal challenge. Damn it. Hey, how about a yahoo? Okay. Yeah, I like that. Here's one sent in by Emma Cant.

Thank you, Emma, for also mailing us and letting us know about the what. I think it's complicated. No, it's not. No, I received an email saying from Emma. Thank you, Emma. Sorry, I goofed it up so bad. So many times. It's from Yahoo Answers user Trickster who asks,

I was at a zoo today and I have my backpack open. When I got home, I realized a small animal had flown inside. Should I return it to the zoo? What? The subtext. The text of this question is that they have stolen an animal, a small bird, or flown might mean they may say like flown like when I say, ooh, that beautiful hog sack is flying through the sky after being thrown by,

you know, Brett, Brett, whatever. Can we just for a moment agree that whoever wrote this question, not specifying the animal is perhaps one of the weirdest parts about it. Like, if it's like a squirrel or a sparrow, like, no, just let it go outside. But if you're like, it's a, I don't know, baby hippo or some shit. Yeah. I think we've talked about this before.

Correct me if I'm wrong. But when a bird, like a pigeon, flies into a zoo, a city zoo, and it's just like chilling, it's not part of zoo at that point, right? It has not become a temporary sort of floating exhibit for zoo. That has to be true. I mean, sometimes though, I do see kind of more like, there's a lot of zoos that I feel like just let their peacocks just wonder around because they think they're not going to hurt anybody, but they're so big.

And when they spread their tails out, I feel like they're very scary and are capable of anything. There's got to be a couple peacocks that just wandered in off the street. Are those zoo now? Huh. Now you say wandered in off the street, which would leave me to wonder, where is this zoo? Oh, New York City, baby. Home of peacocks. The big apple.

The natural peacock home. So I stole a penguin from the zoo because I read a cool book, cool autobiography about a penguin haver that I really liked. And so I thought I would get one for myself. And how do I get it back into the zoo though? Because you know they check your bags. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's what you're going to have to do.

You're going to have to go back to the zoo and say, I would like to donate my animal to this zoo. And then they'll look at it and be like, that's a little Jeremy. We know. We know this bird. We know. We're a zoo. We know which one is Jeremy.

You have put a mustache on Jeremy. Yeah, we know him. We know him. Oh, that would be kind of fun, actually, to Jeremy to put like kind of sunglasses and fun shoes and tanks on and just walk him into the park and say he's your nephew. He's my nephew Jeremy. I went to show him the zoo. And then as soon as you're through the threshold, you 180 walk out.

And then it's just a small penguin boy waddling around the park. Somebody's going to pick him up. No question. And get him back where he belongs. At the end of the day, he is still a penguin. Before you go before you go into zoo, that's your nephew whose feet makes loud sounds when he walks. Although you did already pay the ticket price to get you and your nephew in.

You could at least enjoy your day. Just show him around. Just enjoy your day first. Show him around as the concession stands if they have any fish and go look at the tigers and be like, you'll never fuck with one of those. Jeremy, don't even trip on it. Well, that's a great point because that's the thing when you think about birds. Birds, when you're a pigeon, right, you might not be part of zoo, but you get to consume all of

zoo. But when you're a penguin, can you imagine if a penguin, you just took it over and said, hey, look at that animal and was like, whoa, hey, elephants exist. What the fuck does it feel? I think that if I'm at zoo and I ask one of the animals, if it wants to come home with me, and it says it indicates that it does. I don't think it's right that the zoo would be able to stop. I think that's fair.

I think it's a penguin exhibit at the St. Louis Zoo. And I walk up and those penguins are so close. And I see a cute little rock hopper. He comes right up to me. He's like, I'm like, oh, shit. Oh, shit. Are you feeling this? And the rock hopper is like, I'll be like, hey, little bud, my house is not really set up for it.

But I can get like a little freezer or I could like figure something out for you and keep you in fish. But I like, I'm feeling this and I know it's not make believe. This is like the beginning of Before Sunset. Like you seem pretty chill. Do you want to come home with me? What? I should be able to take him home or else it's not zoo is it?

It's jail. That's fair. I think zoos should be more like a library than a zoo. Yeah, I'll return it. I will check this hyena out once I have tired of it and learned about it and grown with it. If I may, I will return it in the slot that you have provided outside for hyenas. Yeah.

I'll put it right in the hyena hole. Now to be fair, you only use the hyena hole if it's after hours. And also if it's a hyena, don't put little Jeremy in the hyena hole. Oh my god. No, he's got his own little penguin boy hole. That's where he goes. Put him in where the penguin boys go. Yikes.

I'm just saying if nothing else, I should be allowed to check animals out of the zoo for Instagram. Interesting. This is actually, you should be allowed to. It's actually kind of a denial of your right as an American that you can't check an animal. Hey, if the zoo, okay, if the zoo came to you and said you have to check out an animal for a week. And this is again, Ernest, what animal would you check out for a week? You will be solely responsible for its cave.

I would take a Phinek fox. You didn't even fucking hesitate to bring a carnivore into your home with an infant. It is smaller than Buttercup. Buttercup is like, yeah, Buttercup eats meat. You know what I mean? I'm not worried about her eating my baby. Well, I am, but only a little. So has the Phinek fox been, let me think, bred genetically over millennia to not eat your baby?

Oh, I'm sorry, Justin. I didn't know you were a fan of eugenics. Okay. No, absolutely not. No, incorrect. It's GMO. Oh, I see. It's different.

With foxes, it's more GMO. I'm reading here. It eats mainly insects, small mammals, and birds. And shits, well, you don't fucking know. Do you have two rights in your house? Okay, what's your answer then, smarto? What? Obviously a fish.

You put it in water and fuck off for a week. Who cares? Yeah, but what's the benefit? You're saying you're saying this is like a punishment that the zoo is enforcing on you? I barely want my cats. Like, and I'm supposed to watch a fox? No way. Griffin, what animal are you?

You guys are thinking of the least worst animal. And I like the least. Right, that is what I'm doing. I'm trying to enrich my life. You know I'm taking home a Dunstan. Oh boy. Griffin, that's going to go so bad. You have no idea the hell.

You know I'm taking home a Dunstan. Because I've got a fey dunaway that I need to perplex and bamboozle. Griffin, that's all right. I've got a fucking Jason Alexander that I need to pull one on. There is no amount of setup you could do in your home to be ready for a Dunstan. We'll prepare you for Dunst... That's why the sequel is called Nothing Will Repair You For Dunst. Nothing can stop this madness.

Nothing Will Repair You For Dunst is the sequel that Dunst injects in. Which is for 90% of our audience, I'm a movie about... I don't even want to say it. Can we have a word that's like both monkey and ape? So you don't fuck with it every time? We'll just say he is an orangutan. So we'll just say that's every monkey and ape. That's gorillas, that's monkeys, we're good.

But if I had a Dunstan, I could do funny pranks to Jason Alexander and Paul Rubens. And also, he could help me with stuff. Like your homework? No, Trav, I'm being earnest. He could help me with the cooking. He could help me clean up. He could help me hurt fey dunaway. If I wanted to, I'm not saying I want to hurt fey dunaway,

but if I did, I think that this is the monkey slash ape slash whatever for the job. Oh, you know what? I changed my answer. You know what animal I would take home from zoo? Man. So you take a human person home. I know my house is already set up for them. You know that this is not the zoo's policy.

You're not going to fucking... They're not Rumpelstiltskin. You're not going to trick them with this bargain, okay? You have to take a real animal, not man, the most beautiful, perfect animal. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to wait until one of you two picks an animal, and then I'm going to pick an animal that is effective against it. Oh, like a Pokemon?

Okay. Yeah, say Justin gets a hippopotamus. I'm going to... Now the problem is, Justin, if you get a fish, most animals are pretty effective against fish. Yeah, you just have them. You just have the fish. I want to make a quick announcement.

Normally when we talk about animals, people who know more about animals than us, decide to saddle up and come on over and tell us the things we said they're wrong. Please save your time. Unless... We know all the... Unless you're Jeff Corwin. Because I've been meaning to hang out with that fool.

If Jeff, if you want to get at us with your animal info, or just Travis, I am not familiar with your stuff. Jeff Corwin had a great show on Disney when I was growing up. It taught me a lot about how to pick up snakes with a big hooked red locane. I learned how to pick up snakes from mystery, like a proper gentleman. He taught me about negging snakes, and that's our show. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast. My brother, my brother, and me is an advice show,

and we're so happy that you spent some of your time with us. If you're in the Cincinnati area, and you would like to come see us perform, you have an opportunity to do that by heading on over to bit.ly.fordslash20funny, and you can get tickets to our shows on February 19th and 20th. 19th will be Mabin Bam with Saw Bones. The 20th will be The Adventure Zone. So please come see those shows if you have not already purchased tickets, if you can get on over there, we would sure appreciate it.

Oh, thank you. And we'll just go ahead and say I can't give any specifics, but we'll be announcing some more two or eight soon, so keep an eye out for that. Stay tuned. Hey, thank you to John Roderick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song and to departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed. It's a great little track, great earworm, as they say, and thanks to Maximum Fun for having us on the network.

You can check out all the shows at MaximumFun.org. They got stuff like Switchblade Sisters. They got stuff like Story Break. They got stuff like Judge John Hodgman and a whole bunch more, MaximumFun.org. We have all our stuff at McRoy.family, if you want to see all our merch and other garbage. Speaking of that, real quick, so you have merch and stuff you can buy. The Adventure Zone graphic novel, available for pre-order now. Pedals to the metal, it's going to be the best one yet.

I guarantee it. You can go get that at theadventureszonecomic.com. Here's our final Yahoo. This one was sent in by Emma Cant. It's by Yahoo Answers User. They're anonymous. I'm going to call them. Lawrence asks,

Is there any way to improve my singing? The birthday candle wish thing didn't work? My name is Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. This has been My Brother, My Brother Me. Kiss your dads. Go air on the lips.

I don't want the girls that you want to say that I want them.