My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 50: Forever a Whitford, Nary a Cooper

Episode Date: April 11, 2011

You guys have stuck with us through one year of monkeyshines, we've decided to reward you with a very, very special episode. What makes it so special, you ask? Its remarkable averageness. It took weeks of careful calculations, but we've managed to put together a real middle-of-the-roader, with levels of mere adequacy that you're likely not accustomed to. Suggested talking points: A Stein of Mayonnaise, Work It Day, Doppler Dating, Roy Halladay: Known Robot, Prodigy Balls, The Workout of Independence, Boice-Over Fartist, Soul in Your Bowl, Little 54

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Another year older, but about 20 years wiser. It's my brother, my brother, 50th episode, spectacular. This is our one-year anniversary of bringing you, doing your questions, turning them alchemy-like into wisdom. I'm your host and oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I am a co-host and middle-est brother, Travis McElroy.

I'm a permanent guest host and the youngest sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy. Hey guys, what do we got planned for this super special episode? Because I know this is the kind of thing that podcasts, they usually don't just let it, you know, sail by. They usually do something to commemorate. Yeah, well, I have gotten you this special presentation. If you guys will open your hands right now, you will see the gold watches that I prepared for you. Oh, I was wondering where that came from. Yeah, that's from me, and enjoy. If you see the inscription on the back? Just. Can you read it? Go ahead and read it a lot. I'm not embarrassed. Is this Sanskrit? I can read this. No, you just turn it upside down.

Oh, it says, great job. It says, in quotes, time for laughs. And it's all my love. It's laughs with four Fs. That's what it says. So I got those for you guys. If you guys will look outside, you'll see my one year anniversary gifts. I got you both ping pong tables. Whoa. Good purchase. Thank you. And if you guys will check your mailboxes, you'll have gotten the post cards telling you that I donated trees to Jerusalem in your names. Oh, they need trees so bad over there. They do. It's the treeless wasteland that where Jesus was born. That's why he eats trees. Hey, let's get into the questions. My girlfriend and I have been dating for seven months now, and we enjoy going out to eat every once in a while. The thing is, when we order the food,

she takes it upon herself to order both her food and my food. At first, it was kind of cute, but now it's really starting to bother me. Should I say something to her about it? Or is this one of those things I need to let go flustered in Florida? Wow, that's so weird. Yeah, never heard of that. That's not a thing that people actually do unless they're in like a movie. What if when she ordered your food, you just screamed wrong, close, but not right. Let's go with a steak. We were looking for a steak. Maybe she really knows him really well. I would actually be a big fan of this. I hate deciding what to eat at a restaurant because I don't understand the big words. Like, what's a grew year? What's a grew year? I think he probably like picks the food. I just think that

like when the lady comes around, that she says like, he told me earlier that he wanted to have the steak and courier. So I'm going to order that for him. Maybe or maybe like really mean and she thinks like he's overweight and doesn't want to say anything about it. So she's like really passive aggressive like he'll have a salad. Yeah, I'll have the chicken corn on blue and tubby tubs over there is going to have a shot of wheat grass and some disapproving looks. Somebody skipped his morning jog. So he gets a mixed green. I think that you should probably ask out of curiosity, like very non non aggressive. Hey, why do you do that? Why does that happen over time? Maybe there's a good loving reason for it.

Maybe you're really bad at like human interaction. She's saving you from having to make a fool of yourself in front of the waiter. Like she knows you're going to make terrible jokes about how you want your steak done or whatever. I like how do you make your steak cooked on the grill? Trying to prevent that from happening. My name is Fred and I'll be your customer this evening. Could you steak me? The first time you guys went out, did you embarrassingly order things like I'll have the hamburger because you hold the mustard and put the mayonnaise in a cup next to it and stuff like that. Maybe she just doesn't want to deal with your whininess. Bring me the mayonnaise and a stein if you could please. I need a thimble full of vinaigrette. If I see a

pickle, I'm going to burn this restaurant down. Sorry, darling. I think I think you should ask to find out what the reason is. If it's a good reason that's not worth it. Does it really bother you? What you should do is just completely embrace this and when your lady orders for you, make eye contact with the waiter and just give a real slow nod. Yeah. Like you're inviting him into your, it feels like you're inviting him into your relationship. That's another story I don't have. She was correct. Yes, right. Why don't you turn it into a contest where you tell her, listen, baby, I don't mind if you keep ordering for me, but I'm going to order for you. If I get to the waiter first, I'm ordering for you. Yeah. Well, it doesn't even have to be like

that. You can be like, who knows the other person better? So like, she'll order something for you and she'll be like, I think he would like the barbecue bacon onion burger from TGI Fridays. And then you'll be like, she'll have cookies and sir, it's seven o'clock. I know for a fact she hasn't eaten dinner yet because she's at a TGI Fridays. I know what I said. Yeah. She'll have the cookies, please. She'll have the cookies, please. And a bowl of croutons. I get a bowl of croutons, some of those cocktail swords. There's one thing about my, I know about my girl and then she's got a big race coming up and she's got a carb. Got a carb up. Cruts, please. Just carb her. I, isn't another question. I don't have a feminine while. I'm not sure what happened.

Please help me. How do I attain some feminine while skills? I'm a girl if that helps. It does. Yes. Yeah. Certainly. Yeah. Certainly. Forgetting feminine while. Every woman has feminine while. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, maybe Stella got her groove back. Just go watch that and do exactly what Angela Bassa does. I don't think that it's something like, it's not like a list of things you know how to do. It's not like a skill you pick up at summer camp. It's just something like that is the, that is a term that's used to describe like what women do in society. I have to ask, where did you acquire that knowledge? Where did you acquire that knowledge that it's not a thing that ladies learn at summer

camp because I could totally see a lady going to summer camp and then that's when she learns how to fucking work it. Isn't that what finishing school is where they teach you how to fucking work Yeah. Like you're saying like in middle school when they separated like the boys and girls to watch different movies, the boys are off watching the uncomfortable movie about pubic care, but the girls were totally watching movies about how to like work it. The girls actually get a class by RuPaul who comes in and just teaches them how to work, you know, to find their, how to find their fears, how to find their bliss and just chase it, you know. Chase that bliss! We had to look at horrifying pictures that still haunt me to this day of

vivisected cocks. Like this is, if you would lathe your cock, this is what it would look like. You just split it right down the middle, right down the prime meridian and then they got RuPaul teaching them how to make it work. Exactly. At the end there was like a fashion show on a catwalk. So maybe our, maybe our listener missed that day of school. Oh, were you sick? Were you sick that day on, on make it work day? Uh, what was the name of that show that was on MTV that they taught the guys how to be like players and it was, but it was hosted by the guy who wore like goggles and like furry top hats. I think it's like the America's next great pickup artist, the pickup artist, maybe?

Yeah, ma'am. What, what, what fucking douche chills I got? I had a winter of douche chills. How are you helping our, our writer? I'm saying that maybe you call that guy up and be like, maybe he knows a thing or two about the lady game. Like how to make, he can never do that. He can never do it. He only knows how to work that system the one way. If he tried to see it from the other side, it would turn him gay. No, but this is like a, it's like a, you hire a bank robber to do your, your vault security. Oh shit. I'm saying he knows all about how to, how to pick it up. It is so much easier for girls though, right? Like guys takes, it takes whole reality shows to teach them how to work their, you know, how to work their something. Girls, like didn't we

establish like just flash a boob, right? Like you just, well, don't do that. Don't do that. But you could with guys, it's like, it's like teaching them an elephant how to paint. Like you can do it. It just takes a lot of work, a lot of commitment from the elephant. Ladies are like, like mad sexy. They're like super sexy. All of them a hundred percent guys. We don't have like, unless I'd blast my core, like Bradley Cooper style. Unless me and Coop hit up the gym and do some yoga latties and blast our pecs and core is just whale on them. Or even Bradley Whitford style. See, that's my jam. I would take a Bradley Whitford court this week. Forever a Whitford, Mary Cooper.

You monsters. So find RuPaul, pay top dollar. It's your fault. You should have been absent that day. Yep. Cover girl, turn to the left. Griffin, hit me. All things, all things just keep getting better, you guys. Yeah. On this our 50th episode. I have so many good ones. How about, oh, this is good. This is an appropriate segue. This one was sent in by Cosmo Doodle Cat. Thank you. Okay. It's by Yahoo Answers user, Bay Harbor Butcher. Oh, good. Who asks, who asks terrifyingly. I am thinking about doing this to 25 women this upcoming week. What? This can't end well for the Bay Harbor Butcher. I am trying to build my confidence so that I can start meeting women when I am out and about like a store, for example. I usually find myself talking slash

flirting with women when I'm out, but never know if I'm taking their kindness the wrong way. So I always end up just leaving without a number slash email. So this is my plan. I'm going to walk up to 25 women and say hi. I just wanted to tell you that I think you're beautiful. Have a great day and walk away. How would you feel if some random guy did that to you? Additional details. Additional details. I'm okay looking. Listen. Hey, there's so many fallacies, so many riddled with plot holes. The question is, let's start from the beginning, from the opening, some of the nomenclature misstep that you've made here. Bay Harbor Butcher. Like that's that's your line. That's your handle. It's your tag. Just great face. Do you mind if I take it?

I'm playing under this 25 women. I'm going to chop them up and hide them around the city. Can you catch me? I don't think you can. Can I add you to Facebook by which I mean the book that I'm making out of faces? I'm confused by his premise. His premise is that he often talks slash flirts with these women and leaves without getting a phone number. So his plan of attacking is to leave without getting a phone number. Like what I'm going to try to do is make a conscious choice not to have any connections. You know, when your dad catches you smoking, it makes you smoke a carton. Yeah, he's trying to like burn himself out on failing. I'm not closing the deal. Just take a dip in the failure pond. What are you doing, dude? It's like sweet

face. Dip, gotta go. It's like, uh, Alex Bowen said that movie, A, always B, B, D dipping. Always B dipping. Dip, I'm out. See, I would take it one step further and just add a full run past by these women and just go, you're really burning. Good face. You're gone and you're out. Doppler dating is what we call it. We used to do that, um, in, in, uh, in our hometown of Huntington. I remember Justin introduced me to that game where we would drive around and yell things at people as we drove by. Uh, and I had to stop playing that game. We would always nice things like, hey, cute face, or hey, like your jorts. Um, but we had to stop playing that game, or at least I did because, uh, there's nothing more infuriating than when people yell shit at you. Yeah, because

you never assume it's nice and you can't make it out. You almost never can make it out. Um, and there's no, there's no recourse. There's nothing you, you can't be like, yeah, well, fuck you too. Oh, you're gone. You already left. You're like in a car. You're like super far away. I think that everybody should just say nice things to everybody all the time. I, I, I, uh, I think you can end your compliment as long as you say like, sorry, I'm a creep. Yeah. Sorry, I'm a creep though. Well, that's something, that's actually something I've always wondered. Like, when you see a girl with her, like a really nice haircut or something and, but if you preface by saying, I'm not trying to be creepy, but yes, you are. Yes, you are. You just made

your hair, you just made your compliment so creepy. There needs to be a word for like a precursor that actually defines what you're about to say to somebody. Like a non creepy, no homo. Like, if you're like no creep and you said something, like, yeah, but when that doesn't make you sound like a douche, like, like a douche, like, um, like we're like just creep warning to say creep alert. Creep alert. I'm about to creep you out. Um, yeah, that would be good, but there's got to be something about creep wise, creep wise. I know the problem with the problem being creep is that like drawing attention to what just makes it even creepier. There's nothing you can do to uncreep something. Like once it's been creeped, it's like the tank. You know what I mean? It's like, it's like that,

that, uh, it's like that virus that's killing all those bats in Ohio. Like once it's there, you can't get it off your nose. It's just going to ruin the population. The more you try to justify it, the more creepy it becomes. Exactly. No, but I didn't, but I was just creepy. Do you know the only thing you can do is make it fucking work. Just make it work for you. It's hard to do. I've never done it. Do as we, do as we say and honestly do here. If you, if you crack this DaVinci code, you let me know. Cause I would love that. I'm, I'm filled with boundless love. I would love to just come up to people in the street and be like, Hey, you are just super attractive. Everything you're doing. Yes. Yes. And yes, but like, you know how to make that work. How do you make it work?

You be Bradley Cooper. You be super attractive. Fuck me. Hugely, hugely attractive. I was going on the list of features. I checked Whitford. I didn't check Cooper. Gotta be careful. Yeah. You, you, uh, you, uh, you gotta be careful. Um, and, and number one, step one, don't refer to yourself as the Bay Harbor butcher. Like I don't think I can emphasize this enough. Hey, I'm from California and I recently enrolled in college on the East coast. I'm a big basketball fan. And by that, I mean baseball. Sorry. I'm a big baseball fan, specifically a Giants fan. And, uh, sorry, are you a big fan or a giant? I recently had the pleasure of watching my team thrash my friend's team, the Paleys in the North League championships. I put this in as a test in the mountains of the

North. We beat Clan Stark, the team of the North. Uh, sadly he is an Uber store loser to the point where shit talking is no fun. Now when I talk shit, he just admits his team's failure and overall inferiority. This just makes me feel like an asshole. How can I talk the shit and not feel like an asshole? What are you desperately seeking solutions? Like, what are you saying? How can I be a dick and not be a dick? Have you? Wait, first of all, what? Okay, do you not understand what an Uber store loser is if you're like, hey, your team lost. And he's like, yeah, they did. That seems like a pretty good loser to me. I completely accept my team's failure. But no, he's like taking it so personally that he can't rip him. And what's that guy's deal? Like, hey, the fillies suck. I know.

I suck too. Everything sucks. I'm just a little bitch. I can't do anything right. Stupid, Darren. This is exactly why Susan left me. This is why Susan left you. It's because of the fillies. Come back, John Crunk. Your friend needs to get some pride. I think your operation needs to change. You need to change from how do I be a jerk and get away with the operation to let's build Darren up. Like, you've got to, if you care about Darren, and I know you do, you've got to start building up that confidence in both him and the fillies. They don't need any help building confidence in the fillies. The fillies, I don't know if you guys know this. I know you guys aren't big baseball men. The fillies, half robot, half of their league, half of their bench is robotic. Okay, so not

like cyborgs, like half of them are 100%. Okay, there's some there's some mixies in there. There's some half and halves. Half robot, half human. Roy Halliday, 100% robot. He's actually a pitching machine, like one of those things that you see at batting cages. Only they had a wizard cast a spell on him to make him look like a human being. It seems like there should be rules against that. There are rules against it. The fillies are cheaters. They live in a cheat city full of cheaters. Fuck the fillies. So why is it that this guy is so down on his team? Probably because he hates robots. He knows that that's the future. The future is all 100% robotic. Oh shit. He feels bad that he feels like a traitor to to fleshmen. Is that what you're doing? Because he's a flesh trader. He's a

flesh trader. He's a flesh trader. Everybody should have been rooting for the Giants in that. Brian Wilson, the real American hero, and he's not robot at all. I hope that our fans who also know anything about sports have enjoyed these past three minutes because that's all you're getting. We waited a year to give you this much and you've got to wait another year for three minutes of sports related riffing. I almost never want to ostracize entire just swathes with fans of our show. I love everybody, but if you're a fillies fan, you can go fuck off. Okay, good. Go find a different podcast. This one's not for you. Cool. Okay. I disagree with that. In fact. Robo-lover. Robo-supervisor.

Can I ask one of the two internal advice questions that I have for the show? Yeah. So this year, this is my second year living in Cincinnati and I've decided to become a Reds fan. Yeah, you did. People have been giving me shit about that. I'm like, you can't just become a fan. Like, oh, you become, why not? Absolutely can't. Yeah, it's like I live here. I'm going to follow it. It's not like I'm like rabid about it. I'm not going to go around boo-boo like, whoa, Reds are the best. I don't know anything about baseball. Scraps, I think the problem you have is telling people, hey, I'm about to become a Reds fan. Coming up in a couple of weeks, I think I'm going to become a Reds fan. So look for that.

It takes you a whole season of watching a ball organization to really grok what their style is, to really grok their style. And after that, you can be like, I'm a fan. Like, I didn't give a shit about football until I moved in with a huge Packers fan this year. And so I started watching the Packers and then won the Super Bowl and now I'm a Packers fan, which makes me look like a shit head. Like, yeah, but you had already picked your horse. I had already picked my horse. I had no idea. The same thing happened to me with the Red Sox with the first year that they won the World Series. I lived that summer with a really huge Red Sox fan. And then I was like, okay, now I like the Red Sox. And then how are we? Everybody

gave me shit. How are we not the most like the richest sports gamblers in the world? Yeah. Well, because I mostly just bet on golf. Yeah, just you bet on Mechleroy. He's crushing it. He is. He's like 11 under. 11 under. Okay, that's all I can't. I literally can't talk to anyone. I'm dying. This is killing me. I was recently involved in a retail rage incident over a parking space. As it came to a head, it became very clear this man wanted to punch me. He didn't. But that didn't tell me from thinking about what I would do if he did. My first thought was to instantly kick him in the balls. But what do I do after that? Borderline beaten up in Baltimore. Good one. Baltimore. See, they have a stellar baseball

work. I swear to God, I swear to God, it'll be my brother and me. I just want to see it by Nickelodeon. I want to take a second. I want to apologize to people who live in Philadelphia. Okay, all over the line. Your baseball team is all chips and wires and you know it. A ball kick is a pretty good. I don't think that's a good opening salvo. Ball kick. The problem is you got 30 seconds where this guy could just wail on you before that catches up with him. Well, but also you gotta wait. Hold on. Hold on. Stop. Wait, wait, wait, wait. 30 seconds. That's how long it takes for pain signals to get from your balls to your brain. It's a delayed response. Have you not experienced this? A ball kick doesn't take.

For me, it's like, it's like preeminent. Like I see the foot coming towards my balls and I have phantom pains already. There's a delay. There's a definite delay there. 30 seconds. It's how slow are your your balls wires? What? My balls are so fat. Like there's straight gold plated wires that go straight to the pain. I got HDMI ball wires. I'm working with a T1 connection on my balls wires. I got my balls just got prodded to you this year. So they're taking a long time. It's like 24 balled balls down there. Here's the thing to think about. You got to tell this story later. And do you want to be the dude who leads off the story with, I kicked him in the balls. I kicked him in the nutsack. How often are you going to get to punch

somebody full off in the face? I think that opportunity would be so rare. You should just grab it. I have never done it. I've never. I've never punched. I mean, we played lock job before, but I've never. Yeah, I've never like an anger. Not like an anger. You just punch somebody for fun. But I've never straight up though, you will break your hand. Like the human skull is unless you get them like right on the cheek. The human skull is basically like, you know, an eighth inch of skin and then all bone. You will break your hand. Why not try to make a friend? Why not just give him a hug and say, listen, we're about to fight in this imaginary scenario concocted. But like, what if we get our next question is from a guy who says, hey, I got into an argument

with this guy and I almost beat him up, but then I didn't. And I feel like the bigger man. I hope he wasn't thinking about kicking me in the balls. Yeah, I'm getting married in June to his sister. He's my best man. I love him very much. I love him very much. Don't tell his sister. We are a parking space. We fell in love because we hated each other so much over the parking space. I say if you're if you're committed to fighting the guy, samurai sword, samurai sword, act crazy. Hit him with the flat edge of a samurai sword. Don't cut him. He would never endorse that. But oh, start by just hitting him with like the scabbard, just like whack him once in the face, just to taunt him and be like, that could have been the blade. Walk away. Walk away.

I have a sword on my hip. I guess at all times. The kind of guy that rolls around with the sword tied to his waist. Walk away, bro. You know, you never hear when you hear somebody in the ER, like if you hear him in the ER and they get stabbed by the sword, it's always a samurai sword. You never hear like he got stabbed with a midi. No, it was pretty much a guy walk around with a katana and he and he was he just had it. And if you see a guy like that, just walk away because he probably will have a lot going on. The katana is the official sort of crazy people. Right. Yeah. I've never gotten a fight before. And I don't know if you guys have this fear that the first time I get in a fight, I'll kill the man. Sure. We've talked about this. My giant

hamfist will kill a dude. I don't want to kill him. Everybody who hasn't been in a fight assumes that were they in a fight or every man, I guess, I would limit this. I don't know if ladies think this way. I hope not. It's kind of terrifying. Every guy who hasn't been in a fight thinks that were they in a fight, they would be a lethal fighter. They would be something suddenly the spirit would overtake something in that would taste blood. I wouldn't I wouldn't like I don't think that I'll launch like a fury of of punches at a person that had such tremendous strength that it would kill him. But like, what if my my meager upper body strength, what if I unleash that on somebody, just my normal upper body strength, but I hit him in just the right place and their heart explodes?

Whoa, like that can happen all the time. Punch him in the brain and their brain stops working. Or what if you punch him in the wrong place and give him a boner? What if you punch him and it makes you fully erect? You have to live with that. There's only one thing that gets me going. I've been desensitized to everything else. I have to punch him in the face to reach full erection. Griffin, you were moving up the ranks of the UFC very quickly. What happened? My career was cut tragically short, because I couldn't punch a man without getting a boner. And they they found it hard to get sponsorships after that. That kept happening. Rockstar Energy Drink pulled their their endorsement because they didn't like my my fight boner. Yeah,

but Rockstar Iggy Pop little left in there and wrote me a check. He said he liked what I was doing. So it was kind of nuts. Hey, how about a Yahoo? Yeah, sure. This one was sent in by Kelly. Thanks, Kelly. It's by Yahoo answers user Clarissa, who asks, has anyone found any Jersey Shore fan fictions? I have already looked on MIBA.com and fanfiction.net. So is there any other sites or ideas on where to look? I mean, those are the two. Those are the main ones that I got to. Here's the good news. They're real people. You can make fan fact. You just go meet them and make it happen. It's it's a good thing that I had a little bit of free time before this episode. Oh, good. Let me tell you, Clarissa, there is indeed Jersey Shore

fan fiction. Fuck, get out of my way, bitch. I yelled out my window at the ghetto ass Hoopdy that was trying to cut me off. I pulled my head back into the car before taking a sip of my red bowl. I don't need any distractions or traffic. I need to get to the Jersey Shore. I had just drove into seaside heights and I finally realized that people can't drive. Honk move. Hey guys, my name is Rosalina Lee. I'm 23 and I'm ready to party it up in the Jersey Shore. I'm 50% Chinese, 50% Italian and 100% Guidette chick from New York City. My name is Chi Chi for my Chinese heritage. Every guy loves me. Every girl's a hater. I'm 53. Hayes the Lies. Brunette. So sexy, isn't it? How long is this story, Griffin? That's like mad sexy. So sexy, Chi Chi.

I mean, it's pretty good. It's a pretty good length. I'll just do a quick summary. Yeah, does it get dirty? Does it get light? She lights up with Nicole Snooki-Palazzi at one point. They just fucking hit the town, tear it up. Who's that? It's Vinny. Vinny's in the mix now. Vinny, this is my girl, Chi Chi. They're drinking. Oh, Polly's there. He's DJing a hot set at an Italian dinner family dinner party. Whoa, they're at an Italian family dinner party with Chi Chi. That Polly's DJing? Polly is flipping on the ones and twos. Vinny's in the mix. Who's that girl? I haven't seen the show, but I have to assume you're talking about Polly Shore. Yes, Polly Shore is there. It's a shame the situation couldn't make it out for this, did it?

Yeah, situation doesn't make an appearance, I'm sorry to say. Okay, good, thank you. So what's the art? What's the plot? They go to this party. They start finding codes in all of Da Vinci's paintings. We gotta steal the Declaration of Independence, and then we gotta work out on it. It doesn't make sense. There's some really sweet flexes for your trikes and your dikes on the back of it. You gotta check them out. Really flex it out. Check my trikes. Check my trikes and my dikes out. I learned from the back of the Declaration of Independence that you gotta get caught. Gotta get diamond. Did you guys know that Abraham Lincoln was the original, the situation?

Let's see. That's the truth. That's how he'd summon the strength to enslavery. It's because you know what his Jersey Shore name was? Tell me. The Emancipator. The Emancipation. The Great Emancipator. What up? Who's in the club? It's the Great Emancipator. Did you guys know that people, once you enter Jersey Shore, you get a new moniker? Really? Your name legally changes. Well, you have to apply for it. It usually takes like six to eight weeks before you get it back. There's a lot of bureaucracy involved. You gotta go to shitty Ellis Island and change your name to something terrible. What would your guys Jersey

Shore name be, do you think? Me? Well, both of you. The two people I'm talking to on this podcast. I would get a perm and people would call me the Expermanator, but I would be uncomfortable about it because the word sperm is right in there. It leaves the door open for some really just baseline low-hanging fruit ridicule that I think I would probably regret today pretty quickly. Travis? I would probably get a really strong fake tan and want to be called Orange Julius. What about Philippe? How many Philippes are right up there? That's what I don't understand about Jersey Shore names is that they can flip from the situation or Mr. Hardbody. Right. Like something completely out of this world crazy. Is there not one goddamn sane person in New Jersey that goes,

listen, you can't name yourself the something. Like that is not something you can do. You can't call yourself the situation. Unless you're in the XFL, you can't just name yourself anything. Right. Unless you are a group of people, if you are a group of people living inside one body, if you are a legion, then you become the situation. Look at that. I have a situation over here. My body's possessed by a squadron of demons. But like changing your name, isn't changing your name sort of like saying you're going to become a fan of this team? Like you've got to just do it and commit to it and then let people die. You say I'm now the situation. Like what I'm saying is if I walk into the club and say hi, my name is Dr. Frankenstein and let's crank it up, then the only

people who are going to take me seriously are people who are meeting me for the first time that evening and maybe not even them. Definitely not even them. Especially not them. See, I think we got to go the other route, which is if you move to Jersey Shore, you can also change your name to something completely reasonable, to something just like another name, like a different name that another person might have. Like oh, in Chicago, I'm Griffin, but once I get to Jersey Shore, I'm Antoine. Right. I would like my Jersey Shore name to be a situation. You don't want it to be definitive. No, I am one of any number of situations. Hey, guys, when I get done selling myself in the Jersey Shore, you know where I like to take a

trip to? Where to? The Money Zone. Hey, you just took it right there. Yeah, I was leaving. I thought you don't even put like a liner there or something. Some sort of music there. I left the gap. Who's taking us this week, Griffin? We have two people. Two different distinct people and organizations taking us to the Money Zone. The first one is Dawson's puberty cream. Dawson's puberty cream. Rub it on your parts. Rub it on your throat. It's not cracking anymore. Dawson's for when it absolutely has to be hairy. Is that Echinacea? Oh, that's delightful scent. Bob Ball. What? Bob Ball. What about him? He's a professional. I mean, he's your friend and mine. He's a professional

voiceover artist and people say, what is that? I don't know what that is because I'm an idiot baby child. You're a fool. Let me tell you, it's when you talk, but you don't see the person. That's a voice actor. We haven't talked about it in a while, but if you listen to the show and at the beginning of the show, you're like, who is reading that smooth, velvety warning at the beginning of the show? I always thought it was the dragon from Dragonheart. Did you? Yeah. Not Sean Connery, but the actual dragon. The actual dragon whose voice they had to dub over, like Natalie Wood in West Side Story. Dragon's super loud. Can you keep it down, Dragon? We're just going to replace you with Sean Connery. You would get Bob Ball. He does that.

He does voiceover dragon work, commercials, podcast intros, voicemails, whatever. He'll do anything for you. And he has a range. He says from condom manning to condescending, explanatory to exclamatory, which that should probably be on his business cards. On his everything. You should tattoo that on himself, on his body. Yeah. He can write. He does sound effects. He edited a video for us over at Joystick that was dynamite. It was a lot of fun. And his rates are reasonable. If you want to get ahold of them, it's Bob at BobBallVO.com. And you can check out the website, BobBallVO.com. And he's revamping that website. So make sure you check it. Check it out.

Lots of interactivity. Some games for the kids. Go to the kids corner. We'll sing your kids to sleep. Something for everybody. And as a special, special edition, this week on Thursday, April 14th, his wonderful wife, Michelle, it's her birthday and she will be turning 21 again. So happy birthday, Michelle. Now, now also, this is a by lane. This is a by lane we're taking also to the money zone. Also, metagame theory or as Travis here has written, meet game theory, theory theory, theory, metagame. Do you know how hard it is to write an email when you're drunk at eight in the morning? I do want you guys to know that traditionally as how I build the question list is just mostly all just copy and pasting. And I actually had to type that one in. It was the

one thing in this entire list. I hand typed and I blew it. Metagame theory.com. That's a podcast that explores the unique ability all games have to stimulate the mind, not just your thumbs. See, I usually just feel it in my thumbs. Is it because I don't listen to this podcast? I don't know how to open myself. You need to open your heart to the metagame theory. I want to know how the games I play affect me psychologically, psychosomatically. Okay. Well, listen, if you want that metagame theory, is that for you? But it's also a gaming channel that brings you a strategy talk. They got rants. They got special guests, old friends and theories that connect them all in the Medicaid. This is a show. This is the

matrix of podcasts is the best way to describe it. And if you were to be the one, you can find the show at metagame theory.com. How much is how much is it going to cost me dinner? $108 an episode. Whoa. Whoa. Yeah. Listen, that's pricey, but you got to think of everything you're getting for that. You're getting competitive rants. You're getting old friends. Maybe get some new friends. You're going to learn things about games that you didn't know about. Tetris is a brainwashing machine invented by the Russians. Whoa. Really? Yeah. Yeah. They ended the Cold War with Tetris. And you learned this at metagame theory.com? Mm-hmm. Well, not that because it's a lie that it's a total phony baloney bullshit I just made up. It just from whole. Actually, the show is

entirely free, incredibly free. Oh, yeah. The $108 thing, that was totally fallacious. You're a lot of flim flam from you today. I actually like. Yeah, I'm a flamster. This is true, though. The first three people who go subscribe to the RSS feed on the site and then send an email mentioning this ad are going to get a free t-shirt. Go. Whoa. Go, rush. Go, Gerd, you're stupid. Why would you Gerd your loins with a t-shirt? I mean, it's diaper. It was free. I figured, fuck it, right? I made a diaper out of this metagametheory.com t-shirt. But listen to that show and maybe, oh, what if these two forces could get together? What if Bob Ball could do voiceover for metagame theory or, as Travis has written here, meet game theory? That's the old tongue.

In the old tongue. You've actually written Rob Tall here, too, which is weird because that's not his name. I'm Rob Tall. I'm a voiceover artist. A voiceover artist? Yes, that's what I said. And if you go to, maybe if the two of them go together, you'll hear a song that the two of them will make a jingle, if you will, that might sound a little something like this. Gotta pop those nuts first. His name is Bob. That's short for Robert. His brother's name is Rob. That's also short for Robert. One acts with voices. The other facts with voices. But they love each other very, very, very, very, very much. He's got the voice of a dragon. He's got the eyes of a marmot.

He's got the soul of a man and the body of a man. But he's playing mind games. He's playing mind games. Like the kind of mind games you find at metagame theory. I said the kind of the mind that you find at metagame theory. Did I mention voice of the dragon yet? Yeah, I think you got that. Can you say something about the free t-shirt? Can you work that in? Yeah, okay. Robert. Robert, what you wearing? Robert, what you got on there underneath that suit and tie? Right against your chest. Don't play it so close to the chest. Gotta know what your t-shirts say. It says metagametheory.com and it was free. I didn't pay anything for this t-shirt. I got it from my brother who won a podcast contest.

Man, that was wonderful. I feel like I can get like four or five more verses up. No, I don't think we need that many. I don't think would be. I think, hey, this is kind of. Robin Bob, Robin Bob, Robin Bob, Robin Bob, Robin Bob, Robin Bob, Robin Bob, Robin Bob. This is the bridge. Okay. And then now is it over, would you say? Robin Bob, Robin Bob. They both have dragon voices, Robin Bob, Robin Bob. Hey, this is an ironically timed question. I am bored unless I'm actually laughing at any moment. I am bored. I think this is causing problems in all areas of my life, but especially trying to keep a man. They're all just too boring. How can I retrain my brain, says Allison,

29 and three fourths. Sounds like you're leading the most boring life. Yeah, what about some excitement? Maybe put some Tabasco in your meals, both metaphysically and sort of literally. Like put Tabasco on your soul. Yeah, a little soul in your bowl, a little spice, spice, spice in your life. The spice is life. Oh, my God. Throw some Tabasco on your man. Oh, you won't see that coming. In his eyes. You got to keep it zesty, Allison. Do you got one thing every day that scares you? How does that sound? That sounds really inspirational, doesn't it? I need to stab myself in the stomach a little bit. I'm starting to scare myself. Just a tip. Maybe men are, I mean, people can be kind of boring. I think you need to think about this. I'm going to turn this around

on you yet again. Maybe chicks. Hold on. No way. No way. Stay with me. I don't know why you're trying to usher in the apocalypse even faster. We'll get there eventually. Classic callback. You got to peel back the layers because everybody has something magical inside them. Everybody has a little seed of magic. You just got to get to it. Even the Bay Harbor Butcher. The Bay Harbor Butcher, he has obviously a lot of love in his soul. He just doesn't know how to let it out, right? Without cutting. I don't want to be too kind of productive here, but you may want to just like I don't want to say lower your standards, but life isn't going to be a constant roller coaster of excitement. Unless you work at Kings Island. Yeah. There it is. Get a job at Kings Island.

Go get a job at Kings Island, ride the scent of the beast every day. Too bad they closed it. Well, that'll be especially scary because that is closed. Yeah, it doesn't exist. But that's good, man. Fuck that roller coaster. That roller coaster took my eye, I think. Oh yeah? And on my eyes bad. I think that roller coaster is scared by eye and not working. Wow. Something every day that scares your eye. Think about this, Allison. By leading a boring life, you've avoided having your eyes scared to the point of in operation. It happens all the time. I read about it in the science journal. How about a Yahoo? Because I've got a lot of them. Give me, give me, give me. Oh, this will be good. This one was sent in by Jacob Blocker, who's just the best guy.

It's by Yahoo Answers user Ice Cream Eater who asks, should I build a disco playhouse for kids in my backyard? Yes. Let me explain. I've had this idea in the back of my head for a while and I liked a little advice. And that's what we do here. I myself was a 70s kid and disco fever never died in my heart. What if I built a mini studio 54 in my backyard? I could get a disco ball, a stereo for my old record player, and a pixie sticks vending machine. I'd love to dress my kids up like 70s celebrities like John Travolta, Barbara Streisand, Mick Jagger, and such, and make them dance and have fun. Should I go through with the idea? Hey, you fucking kids. Hey, you fucking kids, you don't look like you're having fun.

I'm gonna make you have fun, Babs. I'm gonna make you have fun. Little Babs, dance with little John. Have fun. Do your best, Jagger, because you're Mick Jagger. Do it. Stort this pixie stick. All right. That's what he means, right? By pixie stick? Oh, Christ, yes. What colors should the inside of the disco playhouse be painted? Should the disco playhouse have windows or no windows so it's dark inside? Yeah, I think the color of massive amounts of psychological stuff, right? That's really gonna pews. What color would you paint the inside of the disco playhouse door? If the disco lights, disco ball is turned on and me and the kids are dancing, would it be better to have curtains at the entrance of the disco playhouse to block out any outside light or no curtains and close the

door? I think, holy fucking Jesus Christ. Which is the one that keeps Jesus out? Is that curtains or is that a door? Because he can see he's gonna kill you instantly and take you to hell himself and he doesn't like to go down there. Wow. So. Dog. Dog. No, no windows. No, you you're brood, you're ruined brood to make sure that their fucking friends, their cohorts in elementary school aren't gonna see them dressed up in polyester jumpsuits and snorting pixie sticks with their dad. It's too late, they're dead inside, you killed them already. They're dead inside and outside if you let them snort pixie sticks in a tiny studio 54 you built in your backyard. Hey, I know I only get you kids on the weekends, but listen. Listen, look what I've been working on

all week. I've been working on a disco tech for you and your little, do your friends want to come? You want to have your little friends come? Dad, we're 26. We're 26 years old dad. You know, you know, I heard your friends talking about how much you love the gap band and I was just, oh, that's a conversation that never happened, nor will it ever. God, I miss the 70s. Yeah, I miss the 70s too. Hey, do you guys want to make a wild cherry reunion group? Like we'll get a little wild cherries is what we'll call it. Oh, mother fucker. How? Okay, no windows, no doors, no walls, don't do it. No problem. No problem. You never had I know. Listen, I've had some fucking stupid ideas too. Okay, I'm there with you. Like I've had some ill advised notions that my wife has had

to dispel me of. I tried to order my own dinner once that did not go well. For example, the this, or is it great? Like, I want to be going on like, I wanted to be going on in the world that I live in. I just don't like the idea of it happening to real. Yeah, I don't like the idea of a dad like consulting with his children like, should there be a fuck room like daddy? Should we just have a like a champagne, a champagne re like a champagne tent, maybe this is the sleep. This is the slip and slide. It's kind of in vodka. Crazy tonight. I think that you're never too young to indulge in all of your mind and heart's Bacchanalian desires. Unless the only party guests have the same last name as you. In which case, you're always going to be me and the kids partying like

it's 1973. The kids know the kids punked out at like 1030. They went inside and watched Babar. But I stayed there just twirling just wildly twirling to the side hoping that if I spin fast enough, I'll reverse the rotation of the earth and travel back in time to grown up studio 54 to adult studio 54. You know, you know, the one good thing about this is you're really going to prepare your kids because for the rest of their life, they can always say like no matter how sad or weird things get for them, they can always say it's neither the saddest nor weirdest thing they've ever been apart into. And when your kid becomes the Bay Harbor butcher and they're constantly trying to peel people's faces off, they have a pretty justifiable reason for why they are that way. Hey, I just

want to say I don't want to creep you out, but I think you're beautiful. Can I teach you how to roller skate? Will you come to little 54 with me? We're going to little 54. I hear little Elton John is there playing little crocodile rock. The kids love it. What if it turns out to be really fucking fresh though? What if it's dope and every kid wants to get in? It's dope and everyone wants to be your kid's friends because they have to stand behind a tiny velvet rope and have sex with the tiny door man. Pick it in. Stop it. That's not good. Rearing me out. That's like a little kid. That is what will happen. I haven't seen the movie in their movie called like just 54 and it's just like smite Myers and Ryan Philpais. And they're just like fucking in big pits of bubbles all the

time. Yeah. The bubbles are made of LSD. Yeah. And then like three flamingos are there. What if the dad is the only one that gets coked out and he just like rolls around the dance floor welcoming kids to his party. Welcome to my party. Welcome. Welcome to little 54. Michael's over there in the corner if you want to go play with him. What do you mean I can't get in little bouncer? I made this place. I felt this out of my own two hands. I am little studio 54. You can't cut me out David. We built this together one weekend. If you remember. Hey this happens. Yeah. Can everybody can we crowdsource this and just say everybody go outside. Look in your backyard. Look in your neighbor's backyards. And if you see this if you see this can you just call me. I'll give you my

number. I need to know. But it's been a really rough month and I could really use this in my life right now. Hey I want to hear Griffith's last question. But first a few housekeeping things. If you haven't gotten tickets to our live show yet in Chicago that's going to be next Sunday. You know six days from today I guess. 10 o'clock us Dan Telford Jordan Jesse go. It's going to be huge. We've sold about half the tickets. They're only 12 bucks. So if you want to go bring a crew it's going to be a lot of fun. We're going to get tickets. It's the second city dot com right or you can go. We got a couple links on the maximumfund.org. Yeah. We'll tweet blast it too. Yeah. When this episode goes up you can check check out. But make sure you get tickets to that.

Like we said they're only 12 bucks and it'll be a lot of fun. mbm.com is our website. That's where you can go to listen to other episodes of the show. The ways you can ask us questions are there. mbm mbm mbm at maximumfund.org mbm mbm mbm mbm at maximumfund.org here guys. When you're even doing this you can't get the URL correct. I'm sorry. It's that hyperlink. Any Twitter people we want to say hi to? I mean who's been talking up the show. Dan Rogers took his mbm mbm shirt to go see the Pixies. I'm sure Frank Black saw it and thought hey looking good. There goes my favorite podcast.

I am Ben Kendrick is throwing a pack your bags and move away going away party. A theme there like that. Where's he going away to? I don't know. They're leaving New York. Momohin has caught up on all the back episodes even with her aching teeth. Our show is best appreciated when you still got like a little nitrous buzz. Go ahead from the dentist. mbm.com you can also you'll see a link to the forums there. Lots of good discussions and growing. We're there all the time talking with people so make sure you stop by and say hello. Make sure at the live show if you come you know send us questions now and maybe we'll get some from at the live show and let us know say hey I'm

going to be in the live show and here's my question and also make sure to stick around afterwards because we'll probably go get Shwaysted. It's going to be my fucking birthday. Everyone's going to be there. My dad's going to be there. It's going to be dope. We're going to party with my dad. It's going to be sick. It's going to be sick. It'll be like a little 54 again. It's going to be a tiny baby 54 for babies. It's going to be like big tiny 54. We're going to have pixie sticks. As far as the eye can see we're going to snort them. My dad's going to be there. It's going to be sick. Seriously all kidding aside. It's been a year we've been doing this. Thank you guys so so much.

I know we say thank you a lot but I really I really mean it. I don't think we mentioned this on the show last week but we broke a million downloads. Broke a million downloads. It's just because you guys have been so super cool and supportive and thank you for spreading the word. Keep in our first year and please keep talking to people about the show because that's that's how we've grown and it's why we're still doing it because you guys have been so cool and supportive and everything and thank you. I really appreciate it. I love I love you. So Griffin hit me. I'm ready. This one is final question for episode 50 sent in by Jacob Locker. Thank you Jacob. It's by Yahoo Answers user Jay who asks

how to do extreme couponing. I'm just McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. This has been my brother my brother me kiss your dad. School wear on the lips.