My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 501: Face 2 Face: Jeans-Washed Acid

Episode Date: March 9, 2020

We’re currently sailing the high seas, searching for adventure on that big blue horizon. So, while we do that, here’s a live show we recently did in Cincinnati. (Griffin's doing fine, by the way. You'll understand why you might want that update a few minutes into the episode.)

baby have you ever wondered wondered whatever became of me I'm living on the air in Cincinnati Cincinnati WKRP come on everybody got kind of tired of packing and unpacking Chinatown up and down the dial maybe you and me we're never meant to be but maybe think of me once in a while I'm on WKRP in the McElroy brothers are not experts I used up all my time singing and their advice should never be followed Travis claims he's a sexpert but if there's a degree on his wall I haven't seen it also this show isn't for kids so all you babies out there know how cool you are for listening what's up you cool baby

cool start hello everybody welcome my brother my brother and me and if I show for the modern era I'm your hometown hero in middle is brother Travis and I'm your sweet baby brother and 30 under 30 media luminary who famously moved away from this city Griffin McElroy it doesn't matter they don't they don't give a shit trap taxes here okay by the way I apologize for the fact that our dad forgot that our audience is collectively 15 years old and doesn't know what the fuck WKRP and you didn't help me you didn't help me win a bet though I appreciate that did tell dad wouldn't fly that bird I like that you I do

appreciate that many of you it seemed took a kind of toonless guess how the song and Cincinnati that'll help keep our dad warm tonight local boy may bad yeah hey bad news immediately before we came on stage right before our dad just fucking bomb so hard you know I cut the intro from every I'm gonna leave that one in okay you know I'm assuming if you don't half of this show won't make sense right you know Hollywood Nights by Bob Sieger was playing so I was doing a bit of a dance backstage to sort of get ready and involved the sort of like a Ukrainian folk dance spinning maneuver griff we're actually in like a visual

medium right now do you think we get just this quick sample if you can help us out with a little bit of Hollywood night this probably won't make it well that cast but okay this was gonna end in how bad the dance was for me physically as a person but I guess I could kind of a spin oh god he's bleeding everywhere so it was a lot like that are you okay how's your body well here's the problem how's your bottom we'll cut this backstage I got dizzy and sick just now my butthole exploded so we're this is gonna be a 15 minute long episode because that's how long it'll take for an ambulance to

get here I had the realization my spine telescoped on stage while I was failing to do a Ukrainian folk dance to Bob Sieger so that's the worst moment of my life I had the realization backstage I wouldn't be 40 this year pretty soon this entire pre-show playlist is gonna be Bob Sieger yeah it's just gonna slowly evolve statistically speaking eventually and I cannot wait so yes Cincinnati like the Chilean miners before us we have reemerged here in Cincinnati this is where they came out they dug a sideways hole way more work than they need to do work but they love those hard-hitting red

legs so they they came out here in Cincinnati so okay this is an advice show where we take your questions and turn them out to be like into wisdom we're gonna do that for you many of you sitting questions we do appreciate you hold on Travis is about to all this peacock and backstage all this my town bullshit means we're gonna get all the we're gonna get all the fucking Travis segments tonight not all of them and this was set in by Scott McFall and Scott actually sent this in weeks ago and I stumbled across it and found it's so delicious I saved it from my town okay so it's been fermenting and going rancid and rancid

guys hey dudes my butt hurts a lot that's the new pin of the month okay okay I like any this rental begins with so so this man is in a swamp and he is in a boat and he's about to fall out he is not wearing a life jacket so he grabbed something hairy so he does not fall out what did he grab do you need me to read it again I wish you wouldn't but I think you're going to anyway this man is in a swamp could set my watch yeah and he is in a boat and he is about to fall out he is not wearing a life jacket so he grabbed something hairy so he does not fall out what did he grab now while Justin and Griffin ponder this one for

those of you who have never heard riddle me pissed welcome this is a quite this was a riddle submitted to the website riddles.com and somebody submitted this this is a great riddle that other people need to consume your guest Griffin now you're you're googling no I'm gonna say his best friend who is also in the boat with him I'm gonna say cousin it from the Adams family what did he grab why a bobcat's tail and I'm going to read it I'm going to read this verbatim wait why what I'm going to read this are they telling a story like about their dad I'm going to read this verbatim a bobcat's tail the bobcat is in a tree p.s. I hope

it does not eat him that is among the dumbest shit I've ever even to grant this person the fiction this guy's about to fall in the swamp uh-huh and he's like I've got a plan I'm going to hold on to a cat above me and not fall out of the boat what this would presuppose is that if you grab the bobcat bobcat's tail the bobcat would retain its grip on the tree enough that you can hang from the bobcat a lot of things are gonna have to go exactly right for this bobcat to be like I got you Ricky remember that time you saved my life that bobcat has like been doing pull-ups every day it's like it's like the end of signs the bobcat's

like it's all about this save it Ricky Justin oh my roommate is not a wood worker and yet he has taken it upon himself to do work on our wood furniture specifically our dining room table now has rounded and at best rustic corners thanks to using rustic interchangeably with shitty thanks to his efforts other plans don't put your elbows on the table no really please don't you will get hurt other plans include building a shelving unit above his already wobbly IKEA bed and cutting the couch in half to make two chairs on the one hand I want to be a good friend a feeling that is not reciprocated and support his new

interest in hobby on the other hand I like my furniture without sawmarks brothers how can I encourage my roommate to broaden his carpentry horizons without sacrificing any more furniture as from concerning Columbus are you here that was that was actually the sound of them falling out of the chair that their roommate I think I think referring to a couch that has been cut the fuck in half as having quote sawmarks on it is being incredibly generous to your roommate I what you should do is get your roommate just like like a foot of two by four and ask them to start sawing through it because if

they're anything like me they'll make it two inches in and like oh wait this is hard I want to get into a bit of a semantic issue here you say your roommate is not a woodworker but I have news for you they don't they don't cut your couch in half so I'm gonna go ahead and argue they are a woodworker now quality I can't speak to that but you can't deny you have become they'll be gone working yeah with wood sure so by that logic Justin everyone's a bad doctor explain I could cut an arm off no no no no no okay but you don't yeah but I but if I did you went back you're the lowest rung on doctor ladder yeah but he did if

I throw a knife at a cow I'm not a butcher yeah okay but I'm assuming they put arms back on the couch halfs to make chairs right assuming a lot yeah it's being very again I would it's in this fiction you have sewn another different arm onto your friend and I guess to continue the metaphor shown two arms on yeah to just make him a little more kick-ass like a cool three-armed friend right I cut my friend in half that two friends yeah I that would now that would be a butcher I would love to get an Excel spreadsheet from your roommate of how all of the furniture math in the world breaks down for example half a couch as

we all know is two chairs what have a chair half a chair now we're talking about four Ottomans each half an Ottoman maybe it's a tiny stool for an infant right each in each infant's stool is 12 coasters I I liked my favorite detail in the question is the wobbly Ikea bed because they couldn't even do that shit right yeah hey how about a yahoo from the yahoo answers service Emma can't sent this in thank you Emma can't are you here oh okay just a big fan yeah what's not to like it's by yahoo answers user lowdown who asks how to recover from a horrible sacks performance first of all it happens to everyone and it's totally

normal oh sacks yeah do you hey quick question do you feel good about that joke not right now but I will later when I tell myself everyone lines okay you and dad can have a cool I think I broke my wrist I had a performance tonight which for me went bad I tried to do a Ukrainian folk dance I hit some notes without really resolving them and had some fumbles while playing does that mean you drop the sacks yeah the other team picked it up started playing competing jazz people said it sounded good but in my soul I know better that's gonna be the one that keeps me out of heaven yeah how do I go from here because my

performances have gone down and now I think I might not be asked to play again next year thanks in advance oh see that's sad at the end it got you're all in your head you need an easy one they need to set yourself up with someone who's like never heard what's up it looks like you need to fucking like headline the next to Bonnaroo and be like what's up guys who's ready for hot cross but it's not actually bop and I'm so bad at this instrument but it sounds like they were doing good before this one well that's what I'm saying going down since then all in their head yeah so what do you suggest are you just pointing out the

question that they already know it's just that they need something to get their groove back one thing you could do if you realize a sacks performance is going poorly this is what I do hmm is you announce I'm gonna do a really cool one now this is one I wrote but only super smart people can hear it and then you just stop blowing and do stuff with your fingers yeah and everybody's like yeah this is good and they're all looking around like I don't want everybody to know I can't hear it mm-hmm because only really smart people can appreciate it which now that I say that out loud is the conceit of jazz

only smart people can hear this only smart people can I don't want to let everybody else know I'm not smart yeah I like this I like all the notes they don't play yeah this is good you know that is not actually that dissimilar from how I got through middle school band which was just by putting my trombone up to my lips and it's going boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom I'm moving my arm wildly from both the easiest instrument to fake because nobody's gonna see somebody going like I'd be like they would not work that hard unless they were fucking shredding right now you could also if you feel you're

losing the audience while you're doing a saxophone performance just step in front of everyone else and start going bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom singing it because you don't know how to play this right yeah if you just start vocalizing you can call me Al that will go so good for you I bet they'll talk about that's a viral video right there now you're famous oh sure there's a lot of stuff you could do on the stage to go viral while you're playing a saxophone Travis you can three try and eat the saxophone try and make someone else eat the saxophone pretend like the saxophone's a penis pretend the saxophones

of penis is very good Travis see you didn't even need to think very hard to land on that one say hey everybody I'm gonna see how far I can stick my arm up the wrong end of the saxophone and then you have to wait for the cops to come and get your arm out of the saxophone that's funny how was the jazz concert last night it's all about the notes they didn't play because a man got his arm stuck in his own baritone saxophone to the fucking elbow somebody else came up and cut it off and yell I'm a doctor at the end he was doing a tight solo and shot his own severed arm into the audience I will never forget it it got

200 views but it's hard to compete with all the let's plays these days if only he had cut his arm off and hidden it inside a surprise egg or some shit in our high schools local theater I've been looking for a way to set myself apart as more than just the guy who you okay yeah that's all right I just don't I couldn't figure out why they called the cops all the people to call the last person you would call a crime against music this is okay I mean your fire department does the cat stuff okay in my defense what the fuck's the fire the fire department's not gonna be like oh it's good you

called the fire department we're the only ones who is saxophone grease wait is it a baritone saxophone fuck we got nothing for you you should have called the fucking cops you're gonna have to call the National Guard yeah I mean no one is especially well with this imaginary situation I create here in our high schools local theater I've been looking for a way to set myself apart as more than just the guy who does lights I think we've stumbled on one already pretty pretty definitively while also trying to deal with the crushing anxiety weight of being on stage how do I set myself apart from the rest of these theater

kids and really stand out that's from Thesbian and Cincinnati are you here see that's a good start yeah that's bold you just do that from the lighting grid during shows he just screamed in front of 2000 or so your closest friends that's great oh no it's that hooting phantom again have you thought about phantom maybe phantoming is the way to go everyone talks about the phantom yeah you're gonna have to kill some folks well okay hold on I think when people talk about the phantom they're talking about the great songs the delectable costumes I don't think they're talking about like famous ghost murderer the

phantom I love the shit he did but I feel like that's the way he gets things done right because otherwise he's just a dude who leaves weird notes you mean of the opera and not of Billy Zane right when you say the phantom either way really you know that Billy Zane's most defining role this is who goes sit backstage with dad until you two have gotten this all out of your fucking system yeah and also he beat ass in Titanic yeah that's true so the dropping things on people is good but I'm gonna tweak it just a little bit please do because I want to tweak it a little bit drop one of the let go of the rope with

the lights on it and then at the last second rush out be like no Daniel and like push him out of the way so then you'll be the hero of the school now very thin margin on this one because you would you could also distinguish yourself as Daniel's murderer and that's begins your phantoming career you have to head your head if you could sing a couple selections from Fiddler as you're rushing to tackle David out of the way of the falling light that would be good especially if while you're racing to save him and singing you know like tradition and you get killed by the falling light people are never gonna

stop talking about that do you think do you think the way the fair got started is he did accidentally kill someone and then he was just like put his hand over his face like I better make this a thing I don't want to be just a guy who dropped a light on a guy I'm gonna murder I'm eccentric I'm not murder I'm whimsical I can carry it he's such a character such a character this is how it all began phantom origins five words truth about cats and dogs maybe in this production of Hamlet Hamlet is a ghost wears a full sheet but you're doing the voice for the ghost body you don't have to be on stage the ghost is on stage and

also ghost Hamlet is a kick-ass idea hey Griffin yeah do you know there's already a ghost Hamlet and Hamlet but this one's this one is different when he does a whole monologue about death we're gonna have to change or cut that to be or not to be I know I know just as this guy and then the ghostbusters show up he's like oh no I get it they're gonna kill kill me for real real I have the answer I'm sorry I Paul can I get my jacket's too hot can I get my sweater please Justin quick which segment could this possibly be I can't I'm worried I know oh hello I didn't see it come in there I was just about to ask my brothers

a little quiz you can't do would you like to play along at home stop stop the show stop the entertainment how the fuck I need you people if you can still fucking lay claim to that title I need you people to stop for a second this is gonna be a fun one imagine you are me or Griffin and your brother just basically said like you're gonna die in 23 minutes and you have to like go on with the comedy show these questions are all about Cincinnati oh my god the Queen City this is how the fuck do you think this is going to go this is gonna be like if Alex Trebek was doing Jeopardy and he was like what's the

capital of Ohio and then if somebody be like beep beep beep and be like no shut the fuck up not you guys it's play along at home and then somebody in the audience starts yelling and he's like not you either which well-known talk show host was the mayor of Cincinnati Jerry Springer yes the fucking faster we answer these the faster we can get out of play we're going to free you stay with us what we're gonna get out of this together what are the two secret ingredients in Cincinnati chili cinnamon and chocolate was I right yes now those were the two easy ones here's the next four for you say you might have

that's a record number of questions for this bit for my town hey hey you may want by the way if you haven't been recording this on your phone you may want to just for posterity it's probably gonna be a collector's item and also what Travis just said is tantamount to in my town I'll shit wherever I want to which infamous celebrity criminal was born here on November 12th 1934 Bonnie and Clyde somebody yell Bonnie and Clyde you sounded so fucking confident Connie and blood so close Justin it was Charles Manson now the two hold on shut up I feel like in this region we got a lot of cool all right now two fun ones for a

change greater Cincinnati is home to Venteven which houses over 900 artifacts what is this music I'm dedicated to puppets ventriloquist yeah it's correct it's the only one in the nation actually yeah one last one by the way guys I'm gonna need more monitor cuz I can't hear them over the fucking laughter okay so crank up the monitor if you can cuz I can't hear this is one hold on Travis I need to get this audio issue corrected first before you go on any longer Paul I need way more monitor because they're busting up so fucking hard that I can't hear Travis's great bit thank you Paul the monitor is as high

as it will go okay well then you cloud you fucking animals are gonna have to keep it down a little bit cuz I can't hear Travis and he's like really Frederick Bauer the inventor of what famous snack food is buried here Pringles Pringles and for bonus points in a Pringles can that's correct my town now I lay claim to the town the winner is Justin McElroy side for my victory speech this show used to be about something welcome to Munch Squad it's podcast within a podcast within a podcast

profiling the latest and greatest in brand-eating today I have exciting news for you about Kentucky fried chicken some of you are from Kentucky and Crocs so KFC and Crocs made shoes it could have gone either way KFC and Crocs debut bucket clogs and New York's biggest weekend fashion a word that used to have meaning but now is just a collection of syllables clog sounds like a terrible bathroom mistake yeah Kentucky fried chicken purveyor of world famous fried chicken always have what they do has partnered with Crocs I do like though that it didn't say like super good the

creators of the world's most delightfully comfortable shoes to introduce this spring's hottest shoes Kentucky fried chicken cross Crocs clogs oh right off the tongue and into a toilet I'm going this is the moment I will describe the shoes for you they are Crocs the bottom of them is red and white then they have pictures of chicken on them and then they have two little chicken wings on top I have not exaggerated this I will enhance the image as much as I can for you here in the in the theater and then you could enjoy this picture of the shoes show me these show me these bad boys this is what they are their

shoes of the chicken yeah that looks a lot like you are wearing some fucking chicken right on your feet that you walk on right yes thank you young brands so here's the deal on these motherfuckers KFC and Crocs partnered to make two versions of the limited edition Crocs the first Kentucky fried chicken cross Crocs bucket clog is a sky-high platform avant-garde version that global artists me love me a lot MLMA what the fuck does global artists can we can we fucking calm down debuted while attending shows during New York's biggest weekend fashion on February 11th I'm assuming fashion week is trademarked

the second Kentucky fried chicken cross Crocs classic clog a classic clog version fucking fuck will be available for good news dumb shits consumer purchase in spring of 2020 quote combining the unmistakable look of our world-famous fried chicken and signature KFC bucket with the unparalleled comfort and style of Crocs these shoes are what fried chicken footwear dreams are made of sit Andrea Zahalonsky she's the KFC US CMO okay wait so Andrea said that sentence here's the sentence I want to say with some of my seconds on earth these are the shoes that fried chicken footwear dreams are made of if you've

had those you should see a doctor obviously that's that's not the dreams of a healthy mind they feature a realistic Kentucky fried chicken pattern because there's nothing worse than people looking at your shoes and saying that chicken's not real and a nod to the iconic red stripe bucket they're sure fulfill all your finger-looking fashion dreams and they're also the number one shoes to be arrested in for forging driver's license if you want to be arrested and dragged from your home in front of all your neighbors for forging driver's license these are the shoes to do it in don't forget the sides this

clog also comes with I'm not fucking with you the clog comes with two removable chicken scented gibbets charms chicken I need you to say those words again but I need you to say them one at a time sort of explaining their relevance to one another to removable and that's probably where you tripped up because who the fuck would want to take the chicken legs off their shoes who the fuck would want their shoes smell like chicken all the time hey good news local dogs I've got someone to hum and you're going to very much enjoy it local dogs this tasty collaboration of American icons a word that used to mean

something and it is now just a loose collaboration still right it's truly an original recipe for success fucking success by what metric as crocs continues to create new unexpected actually no solve this one coming brand clap that you are the people that made a bucket of food and called it a meal and put a bunch of gravy and mashed potato and garbage in a bowl and we're like it's lunch it's not you're partnering with claw crocs makes perfect sense it's an unexpected brand collaboration we're thrilled with this bucket list partnership because you wear them before you die with Kentucky fried chicken

that will bring fans an unbelievably fun and fashionable take on our classic clog says Terrence Riley a crocs person that used to have hopes and dreams I said it used to be about the shoes man we're we're honored to feature this fashion forward style between two iconic American brands at one of New York's biggest weeks in fashion I feel like I've been stuck in a 30-second loop for about seven minutes now if nothing else I mean I'm impressed by how many different ways they found to say how excited they are about these stinky chicken fans can sign up on crocs.com to be the first receiver reminder when the

limited-edition fried chicken footwear is available for sale this spread it those lucky enough to score a pair once available will be killed on site will be called those lucky to score bear will be the first with their backs against the wall when their evolution comes the next PR release on quick service restaurants is Popeyes let's loose a bunch of mountain lions chicken crocs wearers the in those lucky enough to score a pair once available can share how they're styling their hashtag KFC crocs by tagging crocs and KFC on social just in case you want to spread the message that you're a real dummy to a

wider audience that is available to you right now on social media that said would indeed buy a pair probably for the fun of it yeah I want all of you tonight that's when you leave and you tweet about this show about how great it was just go ahead and use that hashtag KFC crocs let's get it trending let's see if we can get that up there anyway that's gonna do it for this episode of Munch Squad a podcast within a podcast thank you fellas thank you yeah here's one sent by Adrian Cowles thank you Adrian it's by Yahoo answers user blue fox socks who asks has anyone else ever craved a smell I am currently

craving the smell of scrambled eggs which is a food I don't like the taste of so has anyone else ever craved the smell of a food okay now what I I have to imagine that what they're not saying is smell the food and wanted to eat it because no yes that is literally what every man being smell works what I think they're saying is man I wish I was smelling scrambled eggs right now that's explicitly what they're saying Travis I get this okay what do you wish you were can I ask what food you wish you were smelling not eating only smelling with your nose senses right now the Bavarian nuts from the cart you know the one or

they haven't the movie theater sometime you smell them and they smell so fucking good you could float on this the stink just like float along with your nose like in cartoons and then we eat them they're kind of chewy and not that great and destroy your fillings yeah yeah so that's maybe one where I would crave the smell but not but let's talk about the let's talk about the word crave you walk into a movie theater it has one of these obviously you crave that smell right away at what point today have you Justin been like I like to smell those nuts hey said hey said hey said hey girls be quiet daddy's talking hey said I

can't stop thinking about how much I want to smell those movie nuts sir I'm gonna need to see your ticket to dr. Doolittle no I'm not here to see the movie just you smell them nuts I've already been arrested at this point I'm assuming many times you're letting your children out in the car repeating my great catchphrase I've got to smell these nuts well that is Robert Downey Jr.'s best joke in Doolittle he's hanging out with that chipmunk yeah I haven't seen no he Griffin do you ever crave smells do I ever crave smells why no Justin I can't say that I do funny if I miss thanks for thanks for playing

along forget a lot home I'd be happy if you played along on stage Travis name the smell you crave well my dirty little secret here he goes I kind of wish I was smelling can't see right now you kind of talked it up a lot hey did anybody else in this building at some point in the last ten minutes think to themselves I would fucking crush some kids right I buy that to be that is on the list of foods that I like the idea of eating sure yeah of course in concept yeah fantastic which which now I'm thinking maybe the concept is the smell I like the smell amount of flavor I like tasting a smell level of how much of this chicken

do you want just one smell just one smell whatever particles can be wafted in the air is as much as I need to consume now with my 36 year old body that can no longer stomach there's fried stick right hey guys bad news I just remembered candles this if you can see Griffin's computer just as candles it may be point five John G loves to smell candles yeah I don't have a candle sky that's a but even then okay it's a huge industry do you think okay now what girlfriend is saying is the end of the bit yeah you can't really there's no when you're looking at your collection of candles and choosing one you are craving a smell at

that point here's what I want to know and I've never thought about this before but now we have this this audience that I can ask by round of applause is anyone here ever been sitting at home and thought I need to go buy a candle that smells like black okay from sitting at home from nothing you're just like oh I wish I had a candle that's not like hot chocolate and that's worth going to the store Travis I'm a moderately successful podcaster I don't have to buy candles do you make them what does that mean don't apparently they just show up at your door like an early edition you don't need to know what I need this candle

tomorrow hey Justin how about another question I'd love that griff I'm getting married to a wonderful woman later this year but recently learned she often fails the prove you are human tests on websites the other day after several failed attempts I had to tell her switch photos to click to get through how can I be sure that the love of my life is not a robot and that's from hoping they're human from Huntington West Virginia are you here what's all we river super quick are we both of you are here are we related or friends did we go to high school together okay no okay so you're lying do you know do you know Josh

dodger hey do you know all the same other people from Huntington that I know do you know Griffin so hmm him test is hard I get it let's talk about these tests and I don't know well stand back just I didn't want to start that when it says click all the boxes that have pictures of the crosswalk on it it wants you to click all the pictures of the street that have like the crosswalk paint on it the space above the crosswalk is still crosswalk that's where my body walks and crosses the street so when I check that some fucking computer is like no now which one of us is the computer same thing happens to me because it says click

all the signs and I do that but then also I think that doorknob means he's a ghost wrong movie wrong movie that's six cents but it wasn't gonna work even if it didn't make sense that happens with me sometimes where it's like click all like the cars and there'll be like a tiny little bit of a bumper and I'm like does that count I won't click it and then that's how I find out I'm a robot right so I'm staying silent because I don't want to be named in the Seinfeld suit right about to be called against you guys okay fair enough okay let me take it a different direction okay so what if she's not okay interesting man them

silenced a battle star pretty convincing yeah you love this being I assume human not human as long as they can eat food in a convincing manner and not die like an AI when Haley Joe Lawsman ate the salad or whatever and then was like it got all his gummy words he like fully died that movies what wild can we say if you're designing someone like a robot to be a boy not being able to eat cuz he'll die is a big way of not being able to take one bite of salad at a pool party your robot sucks shit I just make a tube straight what he doesn't have to go into the gear yeah what would have made that more believable is if it had been

pizza because I think even if he knew he was gonna die an eight-year-old robot be like hell yeah let's go fuck up some pizza okay absolutely here you start by rubbing your finger your feet that's what they're called on the carpet and doing a like static shock with the finger if they surpass that that's step one we're going and then you escalate it leading to like the full blade runner test where you make a watch blade runner you make a watch blade runner and if they can sit through the whole thing robots aren't real I do now wait hold on stop yes they are Toyota can make one that like walks up a couple stairs before at

each shit but otherwise robots are real you're fine it's fucking movie magic so like fucking chill I I do you know what I like about the robot test what at some point a human came up with that they're like fuck yeah this will get them they'll never be able to identify patterns I fucking got him Valerie do you think when a computer comes across I was like I know what a fucking street light is a street light as you came hey hey I've got Google in me yeah I know your social security number you think I can't find the street lights if computers can't tell what street lights are let's maybe I have auto-driving cars that's a good point

if they can't identify crosswalking no no I don't I'm a computer get out of the way I also can't tell you what a bus is why is it all car shit all the tests are all car shit never show moments of true happiness right right find the sad woman here's a child identify the heartbroken child where's the couple faking it this boy has a balloon why is he happy one of these men is envisioning his death what is death that's a robot voice oh very good should we do no we weren't gonna keep talking about this just as a robot this is the first time I have engaged with podcast

hey everybody this is Griffin McElroy thank you for joining us in the new era of podcasting for my brother my brother and me a lifestyle examination of the human condition and this is 501 this is a live show sure yeah sure it's a live show we're out on a boat somewhere for the Joko cruise like like that lonely island song you remember the one that's like I'm on a boat and everyone really like that so I hope you like this episode and the first sponsor is audible and they're they have books but not like the books your mom and dad read these are new sound books spoken word entertainment and audiobooks and if you

join audible every month if you remember you get one credit to pick any title that to grab plus two audible originals from a monthly selection and you get access to daily news digest as well as guided meditation programs that's so much stuff you get the gift of found time by listening while commuting cooking taking care of other chores whatever they're not gonna judge you for anything man you download titles you can listen to them offline anywhere anytime don't even sweat it I like it in the car I do listen to it in the car because I can't read a book in the car normally because my where my eyes go for book reading I

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planned for that we got bonus episodes just ready and raring to go for new and upgrading donors and just just a lot of great a lot of great content coming your way so we we hope you're looking forward to that and we sure do appreciate show we appreciate everybody who came to this Cincinnati show had a real fun time I'm doing okay after my terrible spill thank you for asking I know there's a lot of concern if you want to see what kind of stunts I've got planned for our next live shows why don't you find out by coming out to a show because in April we're gonna be coming to Boston we're gonna be coming to freakin Baltimore

we're gonna be coming to Norfolk Virginia we're gonna be in Mashantucket Connecticut just like doing our dang thing and we want you to come out and see us there's still some tickets available so go to macroi.family and if you live in those places or want to travel those places come see us cut up do that because we'd love to see you I think that's it enjoy the rest of the episode goodbye hi I am Laurie Kilmartin and I'm Jackie Kation together we host a podcast called the Jackie and Laurie show we're both stand-up comics we recently met each

other because women weren't allowed to work together on the road or in gigs for a long long time and so our friendship has been unfolding on this podcast for a couple years Jackie constantly works the road I write for Conan and then I work the road in between we do a lot of stand-up comedy and so we celebrate stand-up and we also bitch about it we keep it to an hour we don't have any guests we somehow find enough to talk about every single week so find us you can subscribe to the Jackie and Laurie show at maximumfun.org or wherever you get your podcast okay bye

hello hello hey how's it going guys good good right uh so I uh sorry what's your uh if you when you come down like if you want to give us your name probably okay I'm Courtney hi though I have oh you're back okay I have a baby I'll congrats well I have three kids but the baby's the one that matters whoa that's what our parents said too oh wait that's good for me yes so I have a baby and I have to work so we I work for the Ohio State University so we have a we have a pumping out here shelling for your college yeah no but uh so we have a pumping room

because we're pretty progressive and also legally they're supposed to have one so uh we're hip and legally legally legally it's gotta be there legally mandated in humanity so I I spent a good deal of my time in the lactation room pumping my own human milk right so thanks for saying that in the most normal way possible so it's it's real boring in there and all I can hear is that noise of the pump I'm sure you're all familiar and um and the real problem is I've tried to come up with a couple ways that were like fun to help pass the time first I tried knitting but then I needed my hands um and then I tried listening to podcasts or watching tv but the real problem is we make you laugh so hard it doesn't happen

well no the real problem is the pumping room is attached to a conference room oh we're a little too ribbled for the business I start laughing you mean attached like there's a wall but it's right now there's like they can't see me but I here's the thing there's always a meeting in there every time I have to go in and so between the and the meat cackling with laughter yeah yeah so is there anything I can do to have fun while pumping my own human milk that's not too loud sure sure sure sure sure super normal question yeah it's hey can I say something this is like our thousandth live show this is like the bottom 15 percent of like normalcy I don't think you have anything to worry about I also uh breast milk and pumping and breastfeeding is

totally normal it's chill hey yeah it's good hey uh I we posed this to Sydney backstage and she said she used to do competitions with another doctor that was also pumping to see who could grind out the most like they were on an episode of wild and crazy kids yeah like it right like while they were pumping they chased the giant earth ball around right they would they would pump it out they would put it on a bowl on another kid's head and he would try to take as much as we could over the beaker and dump it out without spilling any no they would just have regular competitions to see who could get the most milk right human milk you made it weird not me that's one thing you could do is if there's anything else in there just get do a comic

make it competitive we don't share the room what don't share the room I mean you can have a leader board yeah something here's what you're gonna need just do it on twitch and that way there's a building you're gonna need a Rita Hayworth poster and some rock working tools this has been in every episode of the last 10 did you just see that movie for the first time okay I just remember the name Rita Hayworth okay cool I'm really excited about it I'm gonna get you out of this business the hard way you're gonna have to pump through some horrible sewer tubes but in the end what the saying right now okay I know how to keep you busy during breast pump you gotta get the fuck out of there what about an audiobook it's something that's sad yeah it's not funny it's just a thing you

could do maybe a crossword you said it's boring right it's incredibly boring yeah I can I imagine that is true so you want to just like get done with it right if I mean do you have tips for lactating faster I'm about to say instead of a podcast I got this instead of a podcast instead of an audiobook before you're too mean remember he is a man with a broken ass go on why don't you put on on the cans on the ones and twos some Quad City DJs that's gonna get things moving that is how it works yeah I clearly I didn't think that everybody was going to make such a big deal about it or else I wouldn't have started my great Quad City DJs joke you go Elvis Costello pump it up that's a little bit more on the nose on brand a fushigi but with one hand one hand

contact juggling pumping iron pumping iron white that's good there's no reason the other hand can't get swollen while you're pumping human milk you've ruined it now does that help hey how about this what if you just scream and scream at the top of your lungs and then you could be like oh I guess the walls should be a bit thicker in the pumping room gang and then you can listen to podcasts and laugh yeah does that help nail that that'll thank you got there hello hi there hi my name is brian hi brian my girlfriend is really awesome but she's kind of a picky eater okay and she really only likes one restaurant and that's fizzolis I have never heard a reaction like that in my life it was like 130 the audience was like

fuck yeah and the other third was like ew and the other third was like so what the fuck is the problem brian I just really don't like fizzolis fucking too good for unlimited free breadsticks brian don't get the breadsticks they're like salty bread it doesn't it's not like I can't work with brian you two can handle brian hey brian let me give you a piece of advice right now back off the breadsticks brian is your significant other here hello where are they hello I am so sorry about brian I just wanted to share your pain go on help brian salty bread Justin do you need a minute yeah yeah I'm going to take a minute while brian's doing

his thing my roommates and my friends find that really funny so every time we have funny about it whenever we have to find somewhere to eat they all vote fizzolis and so we get fizzolis like way too much and I just never want to go there again so what can I do to never have to walk into a fizzolis ever again you got to eat the soap brian the problem is the more you say no the more you're against it the funnier they'll think it is okay so you're gonna have to hey where's that fizzolis I love fizzolis now I love that stuff hook it up right in my veins give me that scary and when you stop reading the Justin McElroy memoir audio book aloud you can then continue your conversation that's how you dealt with bullies in school if bullies

in school were like what's up fucking idiot I'm gonna give you fizzolis now I'd be like bullying is awesome I like it let me get some cyber bullying too cyber fizzolis hell yeah fizzolis is just like nasty olive garden right it's like you're the crazy in and of itself it's like if olive garden fucked that'd be fizzolis so I don't think I'm with on team Justin here I do not see the issue but that's their slogan fizzolis when you don't want to drive to the mall I know you're gonna say fizzolis we fuck fizzolis we fuck the breadsticks are oh they're unlimited I didn't you can have as many as you want right you know that they're not that good though how about the baked ziti okay wait brian even buying into your point even if they weren't that good how good

do they have to be to make unlimited a good deal you know I mean if they're one percent good brian eat a hundred of them brian did you know they make us they make a sandwich out of them now brian well they'll put super sloppy pizza in the middle of the breadstick they'll cut the breadstick open but the pizza fixings right in there brian I'm about you know what I'm on team Justin who the fuck are you brian who are you who are you brian you've got to develop an affinity I'm sorry I've been so hard on you I just haven't eaten bread for five days and I would fucking crush them I would do despicable things you would walk to the box office and demand a refund for the fucking spectacle it'd be like when king kong frees himself on stage and he's just eating people

like that would be your reaction to my housing unlimited they I hope they are unlimited because that it will be my consumption we thought they were unlimited but it turns out there was a limited number of them okay you've got to develop an affinity for some place that gets even more nastier and more ribbled than fizzoli's and can we think of any juggie cheese that's too fun there's lots of great games fun stop there um what is golden corral options very good hey we don't guys this is a podcast that has a segment in it called munch squad we don't need reminders of what bad restaurants are what if just the next time in anticipation of this you just bought a bunch of frozen breadsticks and you're like oh fizzoli's I've got it in a

delivery it's the brian and you're like oh and the breeze though brian does that help that's very helpful thank you brian excellent we did basically just yell at you for six minutes for not liking the bad food uh fizzoli's brian I'm sorry I said who the fuck are you you're great I'm sorry that was mean hello hi hi um what do you have to say about fizzoli's I'm sorry I interrupted begin again I apologize hi my name is ryan um my pronouns are he him hello okay so I am going to driving school currently to you know learn how to drive nice like a normal performing citizen one of the top things to do at driving school I've always thought exactly it's that and find yourself yes well I fell asleep like mid class one day that is oh not mid driving okay we were all on that page

right okay good right you're fine go on anyways I passed hopefully I will too um but I woke up and there was just a mint in my mouth and I didn't I didn't consume a mint beforehand I assume so ryan you wouldn't ask the question well yeah ryan we've been doing this for 60 minutes you can't introduce such challenging ideas this point the podcast there was not a mint okay let's dig deep okay are there other details you wish to share about this mystery before I call her cuporo to use these little gray sails well okay I was considering like confronting the class like hey guys thank you for the free man I'm not mad I'm just disappointed ryan what happened what happened ryan

but I didn't um because that would be a horrible like no one would fess up to putting a mint in my mouth while I was I would I mean I'm like yeah from downtown I nailed it I yelled buckets it was awesome were you sleeping like this there's no okay no there's no position you can lay in that invites someone to place a mint in your mouth no no I'm not saying I want to clarify that for everyone real quick let me okay let me rephrase everybody's cheering like this is a problem I agree if it did happen it would be a problem that would invite some sort of evil mint bandit to try to say this is not a good kid doing this this is a is there a driving school class clown if so don't let them on the road but it's not even a class

clown it's a class like pushy oral hygienists like it's not clownish behavior no clown is like your fingers got in my goddamn mouth for real they did sometimes I surprise even myself ryan are these mints that you consume on a regular basis this brand of mint no could you place it could you place the mint type yeah was it mint toes was it okay hold on wait let's just what's at least establish this size of mint are we talking about a tic tac are we talking about like a fucking candy cane such a dress in what we got yes I woke up with the whole candy oh now it's weird yeah um no it's like one of those little white like swirly ones or an altoid or like a ring

spend five more minutes figuring out the yeah like a life say okay like a life say like a like a search like a yeah okay uh that crests this whole thing wide open you have good i'm so glad okay everyone put your heads down if you are the one who put a mint ryan now raise your hand i won't be mad i'm seeing a lot of hands go up oh jeez this decision was a heist all right ryan is it possible that they were paying it forward but they didn't really understand the point this will be is it possible like this will be nice i was about to ask if that helps but i know it doesn't so let's part peacefully and anecdotally okay thank you very much thank you ryan paul's got mints for you paul's got a cruel mockery paul's offering a mint paul has made

this a an arg that makes it all better paul that's very now that ryan knows where's those mints around everyone enjoy yeah some paul's great paul by the way do you still have my container that still has all my road ecstasy in it oh no not to be confused with your whole ecstasy for home use hey what's up hi my name is maya you see her trans rights what's up maya said trans rights maya i would just want to thank you you've been last in line but you've been so visibly supportive of all of our questions anyways my question is i'll put a mint in someone's okay i'm sorry might it take away from you i'm a i'm a little drunk they put like six shots in the jack and coke out there oh damn that's my town that's so weird i asked the bar tender

to make it strong as we were walking past because they said i told them it's funnier if the it absolutely is thank you all right what's your question maya so my little sister is extremely popular in high school she's cool like everybody okay i showed her jinko jeans at first right and she screamed that they were ugly okay all right pearls before swine right maya absolute did she say those are the fazolis of pants not incorrect that plus there's lots of places to high free breast how big are the legs there are 30 to 40 breasts at least okay so jinkos were a bust so i showed her acid wash jeans and she was into it yeah she's got two eyes and a heart how how can i get her to bring it back

into style to influence all her friends at school to bring acid wash jeans back for the why so that you may wear acid wash jeans absolutely my father-in-law makes the best acid wash jeans you've ever seen okay so i see what we're doing here all right maya it's buried the lead a little bit you got the smoke i see what jeans on top it's a profit deal you're trying to create a market for these great jeans exactly okay my dad's got barrels and barrels of jeans acid he can acid wash anything not just kids he hasn't washed the dog this jeans he hasn't washed her on a rabbit okay now here's the thing she can't wear them absolutely not what she needs to do is show pictures of them to other people and say i wish i had a pair of these because if she was like doesn't

your dad gonna make these yeah but you don't get high on your own supply what where my dad's acid wash jeans i'm cool my legs have to maintain a very specific ph balance wearing your own acid wash jeans is a perversion my father-in-law gonna test um so but here's the thing i don't wear acid wash jeans all the time and i don't influence people to wear acid wash jeans so why not step two why not why not i don't really give a shit do you think that the one influences the other that if you maybe wore them more often you would influence more people yeah but i do think that there would be at least at that point a causal relationship between the two things what if you stood up right now and suddenly you had on acid wash jeans and just under the table

you had a slow drip of acid on the grip it's like no what's been slowly dripping onto my legs the whole time we've been doing this show is blood and cerebra spinal fluid you could just have her start a rumor that all the big streamers are wearing acid wash jeans underneath there yeah like if nin just stood up and he was just wearing acid wash jeans and then some other ones that i'm sure have names stood up too and all the streamers had acid wash jeans i don't know how she's gonna make that happen now that i say it it sounds stupid it just got his lucky acid wash jeans under under his underwear he wears it i'm like everything else we've said so far this isn't gonna help but this is just a question i'm now wondering about for your father-in-law yes

you got to set a pretty specific timer for acid washing jeans right because if you go too long no more jeans they're just white jeans there's gotta be a boy we're like oh did i get those then you've got jeans washed acid and no one's gonna buy that let's go buy that hey Maya i does that help yeah that's the best we deserve thank you Maya you can go ahead and bring those house lights down we appreciate you um we did not deserve the taff theater to be full of human beings again seven months after we were here and you all still did and you're so sweet uh we didn't want to travel very far because Travis has just had a new Cincinnati a new Cincinnati baby

so we're so thrilled to be here with you we'll be here again tomorrow night this is also was a great kickoff to the laughter and wonderful delightful tour kickoff um i actually think we sold a few tickets for tomorrow if y'all want to come back if you're not already oh y'all have we announced what tomorrow's taz is no y'all it's a fucking it's gonna be a lot of fun it's it's um it's like a new game system it's a new game system created by me Justin McElroy i've never um i've never done it before and it's gonna be a little bit um silly so make sure you don't miss that it's gonna be quite good uh i know it might not be good it will be something it'll be a thing uh i also want to thank you to our kind of laughter and love decor here

with our glasses from Amanda Amanda our visitor who just like bought these and flew with them which i imagine seeing that go through x-ray must have raised a couple of flags but here's the thing i am unironically enjoying these are quite nice uh thank you to our our families thank you to saubones for oh sure no problem thank you to our our daddy clinton macaroy macaroy thanks thank you to uh to paul to paul saboren our trusted uh our trusted did you think uh john roger is a long winner for you for a theme song instead of part you're off the album putting the days to bed no i didn't uh we uh are all going to be uh or at least i personally am going to be sprinting back to the hotel to help with my child uh in bed uh which i am i have 15 seconds to wrap

this up before i reach the time where i told rachel i would be back at the hotel so now and i got to come up with a game system so yeah so um we will not be like hanging out after the show but we will be here tomorrow to blow your asses away uh here is a but no big promises that i have to deliver on right no pressure do you get ready to see the most amazing thing you've ever seen okay this one was sent in by so many people for the last like month or so so let's just like do it uh thanks everybody it's an anonymous yahoo answers user who i'm going to call uh billiam asks how was batman alive if his parents died my name is justin mackerel i'm travis ackroy i'm griffin mackerel there's been my brother my

brother me kiss your dad square on the lips you maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported