My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 51: Real Talk Live: Face 2 Face

Episode Date: April 20, 2011

It's MBMBaM's first live show ever -- and man, what a way to start our on-stage career! Not because we did a particularly good job, but because we very nearly talked about child pornography for a few minutes. We grabbed that bull right by the horns, and we stared at its eyes, and we said, "No, we probably shouldn't talk about child pornography. That's illegal." Thanks to Jordan, Jesse Go for setting up such a special, intimate night, Dan Telfer for his special, intimate hosting, and every single person who came out to Second City for the show! You guys are, as ever, the cat's 'jamas.

The McElroy Brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexper, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool lady? Travis is prepping for our live show, which we've subtitled, My Brother, My Brother Me, Real Talk Live, Face to Face. With a number two. Hi, this is My Brother, My Brother Me. It's an advice show for the modern era, like Chilean miners emerging from the depths of... No? No on the Chilean?

Can we drink in here? Yeah, try to stop us. I can't, they don't want that on the record. I'm going to move Jesse's computer here. So hi, I'm Justin McElroy. I'm your oldest brother. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm the middleest brother. I'm Griffin McElroy. I'm the youngest brother and my mic's turned on, which means I win. What? Like you did it.

Am I on? Yeah, you sound good. Speak noisy. Fuck, killer start. So here's what we do. We take your questions and turn them out, let me like, into wisdom. We've asked some of the people who are going to be here tonight to submit questions, wisdom that they need, delivered unto them. We also have some questions from the Yahoo Answers Service, but let's start with one of these right now. Before we begin, do you guys have any goals or wishes, any hopes and dreams for this?

Just for the live show? My only goal, I don't care if it's funny or not. Really up on that mic. Really give me taste, huh? I can't perform without chrome in my mouth. My only goal is I hope that... He hopes he can hear his mustache. I want you to feel the bristle of my face, against your face.

What's it like to kiss Griffin? This is what it's like. My only goal... I've got a new goal to change since we started, but go ahead. I just don't want my balls to come out of my pants. I don't know how it would happen. I would shift... I'm wearing jeans. It would require some physics.

They'll never know. Put some English in. I actually, I developed a fear slash goal. What's that? No one can ever see it, including these guys, because we record in different places. But when I'm at home, if I'm thinking of a joke, my face goes to this. For majority of the show? For those listening who are downloading the show later, I would liken it to a caveman?

Yeah, I call it dead face. Because it's like... And then I come back with a joke, and I need to not do that in front of all you people. That's a preview for Travis's wake. That's like Gallows humor. I would just like to not be super racist. If I dip my toe into some mild racism, that would be fine. I edit every podcast in every episode.

Sure enough, there's one tiny little tidbit. Usually you have to look to find it. Where's Waldo? Instead of Waldo, it's like a racist one. We usually record three hours of material, and then put out an hour-long show. I express this fear to my wife sitting... Who's here? Is she here?

Somewhere? Hey. Hey! Hey, everybody. It's my wife, Sydney, and my dad, Clint. Our dad. Cher dad. Whoo!

Our co-dad, Clint. You did it! I expressed this fear to my wife. She called it pulling a Kramer. If my career can be summed up that way... This is our first live show, which is not the best time to pull a Kramer. You don't want to pull a Kramer. Also, because this is our first live show, I want to take a second to apologize for the fact...

I don't hear myself. Is it really that loud? I need more monitor burning. I want to apologize because this is what we look like. Sorry, everybody. I feel like we adopted some handsome radio voices from our father, who's a radio professional. This is it. This is what you're getting.

Where's Eric? Is Eric here? Eric, you raise your hand. Eric from Chicago. Good one, Eric. Way to narrow it down, Eric. Eric asked this question about paintball. He said, at my corporate job, there was recently a call for suggestions for team building activities.

I proposed paintball since it's a team game and can use the products we make, radios, while playing. The boss really liked it. We're going to do it this summer. Here's where I need advice. I actually proposed this idea because it would give me free reign to shoot my coworkers in the dick with paintballs. Potentially, consequence-free. Would it be uncouth to go on a dick shooting rampage at a corporate team building event, or should I go ahead with my plan of dick destruction because, hey, it's part of the game?

Eric, first off, I think you have some misconceptions about paintball. I haven't played paintball in a while, but I don't remember it being just a campaign for impotence. What's all this pent-up dick rage? You really are angry. There's a lot of places you can shoot with a paintball gun on a person's body that's going to hurt. You don't have to aim straight for the dick. Yeah, not right for the dick. I think you can probably, Eric, we can give you permission to do this,

but I think it's going to come down to a question of fortitude. If you've got your boss's dick in the crosshairs, can you pull the trigger, release the CO2, and just fucking fire that red spot of like, I mean, it's in subordination, right? Yeah, because that's not going to come up in the performance review, but it's going to be in the background. Yeah, if the performance review were a play, the backdrop would be a picture of you shooting him in the wiener. He's not going to let it slide. Also, it's not just about can you do it, but can you do it? Like, do you have the accuracy required to really just get right in there and shoot him square in the dick?

Because, first of all, you're going to need to know the parameters of said dick, which good luck acquiring that information. We're going to need some heavy recon before this paintball go. He gets his own performance review. What are you working with down there? Eric was really worried about shooting all of us in the dick, but he spent most of the time just firing at walls, right? You could ask the measurements of his dick because you could tell him that you don't want to shoot him in the dick. So you need to know which area he's not paying for.

Can you paint your dick with some neon green, something just to help me avoid? There's a tiny orange hat on the top. Don't get it twisted, Rafael. I'm just going to shoot around. He works at the Ninja Turtles. What I'm saying, if you shoot your boss in the upper thigh or the mom's pubis, you're going to get an equal amount of trouble and you're not going to get that sweet satisfaction you'll get from a killer dick shot. You want to feel it. Griffin, do we have any...

We have so many yahoos. This one we found. It wasn't sent in by anybody, which is right. It was actually from... We'll still get down there in the dirt with you people and fucking dig around. We have a basic understanding of how the internet works. Google Schmu, I say. Justin actually found this one. Is this your first... It's a treasure trove. You don't have to be like that.

In case anyone doesn't know, Justin contributes nothing until this moment. So here it is, ready? I turn it on and they get like 50 minutes and then off. I don't remember the show exists. This question was asked by Carly, who asks, where can I hire an elf impersonator for my B-Day party? I am going all out this year and throwing myself a B-Day party. I'm an elf fanatic.

I think we could have assumed... Yeah, I'm cool on elf. I have minor elf enthusiasts. I bought my three friends three gifts to give me. An elf lunchbox, an elf alarm clock, and an elf rock star action figure with guitar and posable arms. Let it sink in, okay? Let it sink in. All I need is an elf impersonator. Where can I find this? I would say first and foremost, you need a few more things than just an elf impersonator.

I'm thinking of 25 things off the top of my head that you need before you need an elf impersonator. I'm going to throw out, this person has three friends. Who apparently does not understand her pension for elf? They couldn't think, like, what's Carly all about? Elf, I think. That's maybe what you should base your gifts on. So tell me about this birthday party you're taking me to, Danny. Yeah, it's going to be cool. The guy's really nice. There's this one thing. Just a heads up.

Just a heads up. If someone's like, brings up Gordon Shumway, just roll with it. He's a fan. Welcome to Melmack. We are not being particularly helpful. Where can they find an elf impersonator? What's the number? Is there an accepted answer from the audience or service? Well, I'm reading, I don't know if you can see this, I'm reading off a piece of paper? I don't have that answer. I remember it because I looked it up. Number one answer. The midget store.

No, that's it. No, you guys laugh, but that's an excellent point because if you get an elf that is, like, you get eye to eye with an elf, like he's the height of a full grown man, like you will, that's a, I can't imagine anything scarier than that in my mind than a six foot tall elf. You don't think like the whole situation is just terrifying? I think the whole situation is terrifying in general, but for... No, you see, I thought this too. Elf expanded the six feet tall, horrifying,

but not as horrifying as that moment when you reach for the punch and you're like, whoa, elf, right there. I think there's a whole emporium of oddly sized, like, 80s sitcom star impersonators. Could we make this like a giant Webster? Horrifyingly gigantic wonders. With killing power. She's a robot, but with killing power. Yeah, she's basically...

She's still cute as a button, but she's nine feet tall. She's sweet as pie. Her arm does spin around and become a machine gunner. She's a darling though. She's hooked up to Skynet, but otherwise a real sweetheart. I think that, like, if you are a midget who... A little person who will go to... Who does birthday parties. If you are an elf impersonator, you don't care.

You've got the suit, right? Like, you've got the suit in your house. There can't be enough of those just rolling around that... Call me what you will. I need the money real bad. Is this guy gonna be able to handle meeting elf in person? Is this guy gonna be able to handle the pressure? I'm like, I could... I am starstruck. Let me pause in another question.

Can we just get the real elf? What's he up to? What has elf been in since elf? Oh, fuck, stupid elf. He's gotta be doing something, right? Somewhere there's a room you could walk into, and there would be elves hanging from the ceiling. Deal with that reality. Let's just, like, dead-eyed, looking right at you. We were talking about... We were talking about this backstage, actually. Just rapping about elf.

How fucked up is it that elf's real name is Gordon Shumway, but people still call him elf? Like, he told them his real ass name, right? Like, hi, I'm Gordon. Oh, elf. That short-hand bigotry is what that is. Yeah, elf is his slave name, basically. That's what you're saying the way. I'll edit that out later.

Fuck! You know, a lot of people don't know this LeVar Burton played elf. That's true! That's true! You laugh, it's true! He's multifaceted. Not just a blind man, also an extraterrestrial with a real taste for kitties. I am... Is Jacqui here? Jacqui?

Hi, Jacqui. Jacqui? Jacqui asks us... I'm writing you on behalf of my BFF Ally B. Her boyfriend feels really uncomfortable in neckties and bowties. He doesn't like to wear them. It still wants to look classy when attending dress-up-style events, such as weddings or charity balls.

What are some great tie alternatives? That's from Jacqui. Of the two podcasts that are performing tonight, you picked the best one, I think. Here you go to fashion advice, the guys who all showed up with the exact same jacket and had to switch last minute. Travis took his jacket off.

I think they all agree. Bolo tie. Bolo tie? Are you an up-and-coming oil magnate? I think if I see a guy in a bolo tie, I know it's time to party. If that guy makes that bolo tie choice... Shit might go down, shit might not go down.

I wouldn't be with that guy. What is the utility of a bolo tie? What is it holding together? It's like an ID badge. It's like saying, I'm the Swiss army knife of people. No matter what circumstance comes up, I got it. You need clothing accessories with real cow skulls on them. I'm your guy.

I think a great alternative is just the open top button. Yeah, because that says, you can strain your rules. I'm not going to follow whatever laws you set forth before. I go with the office party look, where I was wearing a tie, it might have been up later, but right now, I'm down. It's Margarita.

Let's do this. What about pet snake? What if it was a corn snake that you turned into a bolo tie? I would wear that. I wouldn't sport that look. Could you get any more yahoo's? Sure. I know you do. I saw the list.

I do. This one was sent in by Jacob Locker. Is he here? I don't think he is. He's the greatest person. Thank you, Jacob Locker. It's by a yahoo answer user, Megan Curtis, who asks, perplexingly, how can I get back at my mom

without putting pizza crust in my butt? That's the only way I know, like, that exists. When I'm mad at her, I stick pizza crust in my butt, so she'll have to take me to the hospital. How many times could that be effective? Once, maybe twice, and then it's like, you got this. How can I get back at her without having to do this? Megan Curtis.

You think after like three times, the mom starts going, just started doing heroin or something. It's just like, the little boy who cried, there's pizza crust in my ass. I think if your mom has had it more than once, she'd goop you up in her arms like her baby boy, take you to the ER and show you to the doctor and hold you up like Simba and say, yeah, pizza crust in again.

You're fucking gotten back. There's no shit she can do where you have not gotten back in advance at her. You've gotten back as hard as you're going to get back. Why hasn't the mom stopped buying pizza? For the very least, go with thin crust. Damn it, this Disorno deal is just so good. You see the Papa John's guy pull up outside

and you start running through your mind like, what the fuck did I do? What did we fight? What were we going to be mad about? I gave him back his ACON tape. I don't know what his problem was. I let him listen to Beastie Boys at all hours. Like, of all the ways to inconvenience your parents, to teach them a lesson, I think making them take you to the hospital,

I think is one of the worst ways to do it, especially when the toll to do so is sticking. If anyone listening to this right now is considering this mode of getting back at your parents, A, kill yourself. B, your parents might react strongly in the moment. Then they're going to have a glass of wine later and look at each other and go, what did we do? Or sons at pizza file freak.

And then they're going to giggle. I giggle? Hey, and by the way, pizza guy, we get it, we know what's up. You're not mad at your mom. You like to put some pizza crying. The sexiest of all the Italian foods. Talk about stuff trust. We were all thinking.

Thank you. The voice of the people. That was good. I needed some time. I'd do that when no one could see. That's all I had written down for pizza crust riffing. You want to move on to the next one. Is that all the pizza crust gags? Yeah. That's a weird name.

That's a weird name. I bet after you got that name, you put some pizza crust in your butt. How do my wife and I convince our eight-year-old son that piano lessons are awesome and not nerdy? When we told him, we want to take him to take piano lessons. He told us he only knows one kid that takes piano lessons and that they are a huge hit.

That's a weird name. That's a weird name. We want him to take piano lessons and that they are a huge liability to his reputation. We grew up so fast. We want him to inherit the same love of music that our parents gave us. Help us, brothers. How old is the kid?

Eight. How's he supposed to front in the Pokemon League? What's your rep like? What kind of rep do you have at age eight? Yeah, he's probably trained three, four years. He didn't give a shit. That's funny. There's a lot of really fun...

You show them all the manly, poon-hound pianists out there. You like your Elton John's, your Liberace's. Give them those role models there to look for. I could name ten nerdier instruments off the top of my head. If you want to give that kid flugelhorn lessons, then he's in for a world of hurt. But I think a piano. Maybe make him take flugelhorn lessons

and then give him the option to do it. Get out of him! I've been practicing my therabin for three months. I'm ready to switch. I just got beat up at eight years old. On the other hand, though, if he gets super talented and he has playing some Tinder jams for ladies once that becomes a thing,

or dudes or fellas, then the problem is piano. And the reason I switched from piano to guitar, not the real reason I did, but for the purpose of this podcast I'll say it is, you can't carry a piano around to play in the club to try and get trim? You can, but it's massively unpleasant.

Super fucking heavy. It's hard to be on your game when you're carrying a two-ton... Baby grand around. Hey, Griffin, what are you doing? I'm trying to get some trim? Why are you so sweaty? You have three moving guys with you, right? That's the problem, though.

It's expensive, but it works. Have you thought about keytar? It's like all the beauty of a piano, but with the portability of a guitar. Yeah, eight-year-olds should be really into that. Don't listen to trouts. So hopefully that should help Griffin. You know what I mean.

I do. Griffin was sent in by Kieran D. Thank you, Kieran D. This one was asked by... There's a bug. Get out of here. By Jay Jenkins, who asks... Wait, for the radio, for people who were listening later, there was a bug.

There was a bug? It was super big and scary. Griffin wasn't riffing. That was a bug. Jay Jenkins asks, I have two urethras. Any information? I noticed this a few days ago, but when I used the restroom, I peed two different ways.

And when I pulled my foreskin back, I can't say that, I gotta cut that out. When I pulled back and looked at the tip, I had two completely separate urethras. How common is this? And are there any advantages to this? The worst superpower ever.

Easy. Easy. The only thing I can think of is bitching parlor trick. There are two bad guys. We must blind at the same time. I mean, we all have that moment where we're at a bar. We've had a few drinks. We're trying to show off. Say, hey, look at how far back I can be from the urinal

and still make... How many urinals you got? Now, we can add a whole other element to it where you can add a trick shot. Yeah. Somebody hand me a mirror. God, you could win some bar bets, though. I bet I can, you know...

I bet you only have one urethra. Rock! Hey, I'm sucker. Check it. Hi. My name is Phillip Daniels. I'm the most in-demand, not-in-demand porn star in the world. I call it the funny shot. There it was. What's up, Dad? I actually... I did break down one of the answers.

No, because it was so great. It was by answer one who said, you're telling me you never noticed this? Well, two holes equals two times the fun. Does it equal two times the fun? Does it? I think it equals two times the explanation. I think, like, four or five times the explanation. Since your urinal explanation is, I have a urethra.

I think you probably need a little bit more than that. You look like you have an alien tweener. Can you please give me a little bit more information? Come from her deny. Hey, Griffin, can you read me the part about when he noticed? Well, he's 17. It sounds like it's a pretty recent... Bullshit. He pulled his force...

and he looked right at the tip. Like, I guess he'd never... I never looked, like, straight on at it. Shit! Wait, has anyone in this room ever checked? When was the last head count that you did? Raise your... raised? When was the last census you performed? Your man got white buckles? Raise your hand if you checked for a double before.

Has anyone... no? We're going with a spread shot. People at home? Zero hands. Zero hands for the record, as long as we're keeping track. I don't know if you remember being 14. I would have noticed to your research. Yeah, I probably would have noticed.

That's the first time you really... That's the first time you really... Yeah, you do some Lewis and Clark, like an expedition, I know. Yeah. You say Lewis and Clark? That's exactly what I said. I'm going to take it back, because I... I may have said Lewis and Clark.

The first time you do some serious Terry Clark, Dean Cain action. Move! Nailed it. Deep cut. Thank you. I think Terry Hatcher was the reason I first explored my urethra. Yeah, I mean, probably. Let me just get out of here. Give me another one.

Another one? Another Yahoo? Yeah, you know what I mean. All right. This one will take us down a pretty dark path. Cool, cool. Awesome. This one was also sent in by Jacob Locker.

That's right. It's by Yahoo Answers user Megan Curtis, who asks, Why are naked babies socially accepted, though other age nudity is not? Really, I've seen advertisements of plenty with naked babies slash toddlers, but why not other ages? It seems stupid. What advertises is she looking at? Yeah, that's...

Sunscreen? Baby lotion. That's it, right? But are we seeing like... I don't even think we can see this. A full-on, full-frontal baby nudity. Like a lot of baby nudity that... I don't think it exists in the world.

What? Well, let's presuppose that it does. Let's presuppose we're living in some sort of adult, dark, alternate reality where every ad features baby nudity. You want to buy this car? Check out this baby cleaner. It's got this sweet naked baby. What's that in the passenger seat?

It's a baby and he's naked. What's up? Hey, do you like frozen yogurt? Do you like frozen yogurt with naked babies in it? We got you. Don't even worry about it. I've been sitting here while you guys were talking, trying to think of something less sexy than a naked baby.

Like, you don't look at a naked baby and go, yeah, unless... like, you've got a date with Chris Hanson in the near future. Yeah. I'm just letting you dangle. What's up? It's like a baby wiener. It's an aggressive technique.

Yeah, absolutely. I just don't know how far we can go with this naked baby. You got anything else in there? What's the fucking bag of tricks? You fucking psycho pervert? If I call in the Pope, how do you got anything else in there? Here's one.

Yeah, real quick. This is one we also found. It's... I didn't write... Who asked it? Shit. I'm gonna say... Mark. Thanks, Mark.

It couldn't have been Mark, because the question is, what are some good dodgeball names for eighth grade girls? Can we, like, save the questions most likely to get us arrested in sort of a linear-briss type fashion, like, haul off the stage for a decent sake? Go ahead, Griff. Me and some of my friends are in a dodgeball tournament

for middle school, and we need some names. Any ideas? For your eighth grade... Is it eighth grade dodgeball team or eighth grade individual? I think it's person to person. Oh, you mean, like, the hammer?

The hammer. The little hammer. Little hammer. The pony obliterator? Like, because eighth grade girls, like... They're like... The pony destroyer? Well, no, no, no, no.

The glue maker! Please welcome to the ring! We'll talk about destroying ponies all night long. The main obliterator. But that's what you're going with? I'm saying goes like... Go as well, prowess is... Eight grade.

She could throw a dodgeball so hard a pony would explode. I'll fucking blow up a pony. I don't care. I'm saying we make a portmanteau. First ward, something that eighth grade girls like... The second word is like a really intimidating word. Like, some sort of damage you could inflict with a dodgeball. Like, princess fuck you up.

That's what you mean. Is that a good one? I can't get the phrase ass pounding out of my head, but I'm holding myself back. No! Oh, no! Out of decency, I didn't say it. I mean, I said it, but I didn't say it.

I guess you're saying how the sausage gets made, because this is exactly the kind of shit. Like, naked babies. Nope, that's gone. Eight grade... What was it again? I'm not gonna say it again. Like an obstaclity quantae right out.

That's in the scrap bin. I think something oddly robotic would be kind of in it. Like this, like, smash-y-later. Like, that's kind of like that. The smash-y-later. But you gotta put, like... How long have you been marketing? Smash-y is really good.

Smash-y? Uh-huh. That's what that is good. I want to hear Griffin's last question. But first, real quick, housekeeping. Happy two-year anniversary to Grant and Amanda, who for reasons unknown to me. Hey, guys.

Happy two-year anniversary. Sweetheart, I love you so much. We're gonna have a special night tonight. Hey, you know how you always wanted to see three grown men talk about nicknames for eighth grade girl dodgeball players? Fucking hop in my coop. We're driving to Chicago.

And also, Johnny Wags and Randy May drove eight hours from Marquette, Michigan to, hey, guys. I was impressed with it, but it's like, I drove eight hours, so fuck you. And thanks to Max Fun and Jordan Justigo for having us and letting us open up for them and share this time with you.

And of course... Thank you for Dan. Thank you, Dan. And thank you, Dan. For fluffing for us. And thank you to all of you guys for coming out. You've been super cool, and we really appreciate you sitting here

and listening to us almost talk about child pornography, but not exactly talking about it. Skirting the danger zone. Skirting the skirts, we like to call it. Skirting the little skirts. Skirting the skirts. Skirting the skirts. My brother, my brother, me.

Skirting the skirts. Real talk live. Face to face. That's the part. Nice try, Federal Bureau of Investigation. Maybe next time. We'll cut a hole nine yards. Hit me.

This final one is a Yahoo question that was written. It was authored by Yahoo Answers user ZiggyMonkeyBob2000 who asks, is it considered cheating if you have sex with someone? Telepathically. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy.

This has been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad. School wear on the lips. Thank you. Keep it going for the McElroy's. My brother, my brother, and me. Look at those pretty fucks.