My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 515: Viscous Bod

Episode Date: June 22, 2020

In today’s episode, we inexplicably relitigate the film Titanic, which is a million years old, and come up with a way cooler ending where the ship doesn’t break and the cool guy gets the treasure and everyone gets married. (Feat. Special Guestpert, Dr. James Bufeè!)Suggested talking points: Half-Virile Knight, Poster Prank, Having Fun While Shopping at Sears, A Hearty Bod Jam, We Fix Titanic Again, Home Summer Vibes, The Big PumpkinSupport the Foundation for Black Women’s Wellness here: http://ffbww.org/More resources on anti-racism and fighting police violence: https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother, and me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I am your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy. Dang, you just came right in there with that, Griffin. I like the authoritativeness, you know what I mean? It's who I am,

and I'm done hiding it behind a bunch of qualifiers. Yes, yes, you are the youngest brother. My name is Griffin, and I came after these two gentlemen. Yes. I was brewed up in the womb after these two gentlemen, and it's just a fluke, right? That I'm the youngest one. And this is what fucks me up, and I think about this sometimes. I could have been Justin. Do you guys know what I'm saying? Wait, then who would Justin be? I don't know, either you or me, but do you understand what I'm saying? What if I came together first and Justin was the youngest? It's just like a chance at dating, right? I am okay with picturing you as the oldest and Justin as the youngest. I cannot think of myself

as anyone but the middlest. I'd love to have your youth, Griffin. I'm so envious. I'm covetous of your youth. I'd love another chance at you guys. Do you guys ever think about the fact that I get the best of both, that I'm not the oldest or the littlest? Yeah, not the smartest, not the most virile. But I'm also not the least smartest or the least virile, right? No, you're just kind of there. Your virility is just not, your virility charts. Listen, what I am, I'm the RPG character that doesn't get a lot of bonuses, but gets like plus one to everything. Yeah, but you think like, he could be whatever he wants. He could be anything. Yeah. And then he doesn't. But then it's like, where did it go wrong? Well, I don't think anyone has ever looked at me and thought he could be

anything, but I think that they've maybe looked at me and thought- No, certainly not. You didn't need to clarify that. No, but I think people might have looked at me and thought, I bet he could be mediocre at anything. Like, I think that he could be a pretty average to slightly below average lawyer, right? Sure. So the king rolls up and he's like, oh, we need the most virile night in the land. And I'm like, I got this one guys and I'll walk off. And then the queen comes up and is like, we need the most wise and sorcerer in the land. And Justin's like, don't worry guys, I got this. But then that's all the royalty that there is. No, but then, excuse me, but then perhaps a Duke rolls up and says, I just, I'm on a budget and I need a good kind of catch all night. Yeah. And

I'm like, I am the one for you. I, listen, I'm a jack of all trades master of none. I didn't the prince is like, I need someone to carry my packages back from the gap. Now you've lost the, I feel like you lost the metaphor a little bit, Justin. Is that me? Because I am the strongest. No, you're not the strongest. You just are strong enough to carry back. Justin's the strongest. Yeah. Yeah. Strongest, smartest, bravest, coolest. My head is like a shark's head. Yeah. And I need someone to carry my light packages from the gap and half impregnate my wife. Yep. That's me. That's Travis. I can do both of those. But see, that's the thing. If someone said, I need someone to carry packages and impregnate my wife, I can do one of those.

And Justin said, I can do one of those. And I would say, I can be mediocre at both of those. Well, no, I could do, I could half impregnate twice because I'm fully full. I'm her be fully loaded over here. I mean, yes, that is true. Go to the doctor. What the fuck are we talking? It feels like we're flying without a net a little bit. I'm loving it. I'm loving the energy. It's an exciting energy. It's an exciting time for no one. And we hope you are hanging in there with just like the world and stuff. We got a big show for you today. We've never done this before. You know what? You fucking jink street. You jink street because I was like, this is just easy, free, low conversation. And then you were like, it's a show. Like, oh, no,

okay. I'm fucking James Corden now. We got the McElroy houseband here. Let me hear you guys. You guys heard about this? Denny's has a new special. This is the, this is a, oh, it's time for, it's time for doing Munch Squad. And Denny's is doing a new thing. You guys remember this? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show Rosario Dawson. Oh, wow. It's a big gift. Hey, it's me. Jake the Snake. I got my big snake here to do tricks for you. Animal expert. Jake the Snake is here to show us his collection of snakes. I've got three snakes. One, two, uh-oh.

I'm into her pathology. I don't wrestle anymore. I got into actual snakes. Let's get into the advice. We've waited long enough. This Monday, I came home from my first shift back at work since the start of the apocalypse to find that all my posters about 15 had been flipped upside down. Hmm. I have three younger siblings and a friend staying with me this summer. No one will confess. How do I find the flipper or at least get them to anonymously write the posters? That's from poster plot problem in the purple mountains. Wow. This is an easy one. Um, flip them back over. And then when the person who did this ill-conceived prank sees that you have fixed it without even acknowledging that the prank has happened, they will feel a sense of shame.

That will be so heavy. It will be like a boulder has landed on them. There is nothing worse. The worst possible outcome to pulling a prank is that the other person is just kind of mildly annoyed by it and doesn't even like- Well, if you act like it made you sad, that's like, that's great. Like, it's- That could be cool. No, the worst possible outcome to a prank is somebody dies. Somebody dies. Somebody dies. No, no, no. Okay. The worst possible outcome to a prank is everybody dies. Okay. Yes. That is the worst possible outcome to everything. Yeah. Or every all life, just all life is the same. Mass extinction is the worst possible outcome of a prank. Yes. Oh, no. I put a bucket of water on top of a door frame and it fell and somehow cracked the earth in half. It fell

onto a molten- Yeah, right. Exactly. You hit it in just the right way. The earth's got a glass jaw right there. Ashton may be on, I think she knocked the Christmas tree over, but it unearthed some sort of turbo virus. Yeah. Like, that's the worst possible outcome. But right behind that- I prank called someone a random dial number. It was Cthulhu. He got pissed. Yeah. It was actually a nuclear launch code somehow. I don't know how that worked. But right behind that is being embarrassed because your prank was just sort of like brushed off annoyance by somebody else. So just flip these posters right back over. You're going to like the way you look, I guarantee it. Next question. You know what? I will say there is an opportunity for a poster who done it here.

Okay. And this could be a good mystery to cut your teeth on as a detective because- Everybody's always looking for that first big case. For Nancy Drew and her friends, it was when the City Girls doll went missing at the slumber party and she and the other members of the Clue crew got together and found the missing Hollywood Halley doll. And of course, Encyclopedia Brown's first case, it was Bugsmini in Bezling and Encyclopedia got him. Got him. But what I'm saying is the stakes are very low here. So if you do fail to solve it, you know, now you have a first case to look back on when you're like, you know, your close rate is 100% and people are like, they always get it. They always get their

person and you're like, not this one time. It's what haunts me. It's what drives me. I'm like, oh no, did like a kidnapper get away or like a murder and you're like a poster flipper. I'm like, well, that's not so bad. You're like, yeah, I know. It doesn't haunt me a lot. Just a little bit of haunting. It's just so low stakes. You have the opportunity here to dish out such a gnarly repost, such a gnarly little perry counterattack that like will completely, I remember one April Fool's Day when we were young, I tried to do some pranks on Travis who I shared a room with at the time. And like one of the pranks, I remember this very clearly, is I took down whatever calendar you had. I think it was like a nerd ass

XAMP calendar, which hasn't aged well. And I replaced it with like your nerd ass Xena calendar. And I was like, gotcha, motherfucker. And you were like, yeah, that's my Xena. Travis only reads his calendar as far as the X at the very beginning. Right. So he didn't even notice. He didn't even notice. But really this last 15 seconds or so was just me viciously dragging young Travis. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize. I mean, I'm embarrassed by XAMP because it didn't age well. Right. But I'm not embarrassed by liking things. Griffin, I enjoy things. I'm a fan. You want to list some other? I also like Supernatural. Oh, do you? Oh, you are. Oh, Travis, you like, but I didn't know you were a Supernatural fan.

Oh, I hadn't mentioned it. Can I do a Yahoo? Yes. I'd like that, I think. This one was sent in by lots of folks. It's from an anonymous Yahoo Answers user who I am gonna call Xena asks, do you? Sorry, Travis, not real. Oh. Do you miss the days when it was still popular to shop at Sears? Yes. That was a cool era. I worked at a Sears. Yeah. Wait, is that true? Yeah, it's true. At the Lands End Department, correct? Lands End Department. Then I would say you worked at a Lands End that was eaten by a Sears that was eaten by a mall. Sure. And I'll tell you what, it was cool in there every day for a while. It was like, I remember I'd be there and I'd look over and I'd be like,

is that Ray Liotta shopping in the Lands End Department? And it was because it was cool to shop at Sears. And there's no one cooler than Ray Liotta who I need to now make a point of order. Quick Google. I know nothing about Ray Liotta, so if he's done some bad stuff, I'll take it all back. Make sure he hasn't done Xanth himself. Yeah. Boy, Sears is a... I never necessarily understood Sears because it's like where I went to get my inexpensive suit jackets for Catillion, but also if we needed some new bedding and also some grill tools. Yeah. I don't necessarily love that all of that is in the same location. Sears is like the Travis McRoy of stores in that they don't really excel at

anyone thing except Lands End clothing. That was fine. Yeah. But it wasn't like, oh, who has the best fill in the blank? And the answer is not Sears, but if you're like, I only want to go to one place. Oh, good news. Good news. It's Sears. It's weird to be... I don't think... Is Sears gone? Sears has got to be gone. If Sears ain't gone now, there's no way it's going to get through the unpleasantness. I mean, Sears is around, but many Sears are not. Sears in Huntington closed in August last year. Wow. So it's been a little bit. Man, I'm thinking about it, though. It was fucking cool to shop at Sears. Right? I mean, the one in Huntington was next to the Quedoba and the Books of Millions, so that's cool. Yeah. Because you could get kind of like,

get a book to read and enjoy, get a snack and some tubes at Quedoba, and then go get yourself a socket wrench at Sears and just have it after noon, make it after noon of it. That's a nice shopping experience. That was so cool. I cannot tell you how many times I have needed to buy the hot new John Grisham book and fucking bust up a burrito and also buy a socket wrench and a webbed belt at the same store. And luckily, that little corner of the mall always had my back, didn't it? You got to get that hot new socket wrench because you're like, I got this old busted socket wrench at home. It doesn't have all the new features. So they have the new ergonomics. I did a quick Google to double check the date on the Sears closing in the Huntington mall

and I just didn't want to say Google. The Google Maps listing says temporarily closed. Do you want to go for it, Sears? Fuck yeah, dude. You never know. You might be like, fire it back up. These people need washers and shorts. Let's go. Do it again. Last time I went to a Sears here in Austin, I needed, I did need a belt and I went to like the dress clothes section and they had just sort of a big metal garbage can full of belts. And it feels like Sears is, a lot of Sears's are just kind of making it up as they go along. It feels like Sears always kind of has more stuff than it knows what to do with and sometimes it dishes them up uncooked, let's say, in a big garbage can. Did you try the Land's End department

to see if they had any belts? The Land's End department was in incredible condition, Travis. Everything was, it was like a museum for outdoor wear. Yep. That was our motto. Fuck Macy's, the fuck Macy's though. Wow. Whoa. They're just getting there the same store. Basically. You know, nobody's making, nobody's starting new department stores anymore. It's weird. Yeah, it's bizarre. I guess Amazon. There was a quote in, there's a quote in the WCHS story, and I'm sorry to cheat on Rob Johnson by not talking about WCCC, but in the WCCC story about the Sears one closing, they captured, they got a quote from the manager of the Huntington Mall. Formerly, Joe Johnson, our down the block neighbor now replaced with

Val's and Tenno, and Val's and Tenno, a human, as he's always quick to point out to anybody who hears his name. Val's and Tenno says, everybody knows Sears for good or for bad. Drag fucking get him, Val. Damn. Anyway. Anyway, how about another? That was pretty, pretty sick. Oh, fucking Sears. Don't get me started. Yeah, I would love that. I visited my local CVS a couple of weeks back while there, one of the clerks asked me the name of the cologne I was wearing. I didn't know what it was called, but I told him I'd come back in a couple of days and let him know. When I returned to the store, the clerk was nowhere to be found. I returned to the store about once a week since then,

but I haven't ran into that clerk again. Does he still want to know the name of my cologne? How do I get this information to him? Should I just give up my quest? That's from CVS Cologne Conundrum. It's weird that you don't know the name of the cologne that you wear. Presumably, you have to pick up this bottle every day, right, to squirt it on you. This may be an indication that it's time to practice some mindfulness in your day-to-day life, maybe. Stop going through the motions and really read your bottle of cologne every day. That would be step one. I don't think you should give up this quest because he wouldn't have asked if he didn't want to know. Why would someone ask something that they don't want to know? He clearly is dying to know the

name of your cologne, and it seems like you guys, much like the hit film Serendipity, are just barely missing each other until you reconnect in that magic moment and you're like, it's just like a body spray. It's like an axe thing. It's like an axe. Oh my god, you're there. It's fucking bod. I found an old bottle of bod and I'm wearing bod. Oh thank god. It was pretty viscous. I had to scoop it out with a tongue depressor. It didn't, it wouldn't spray anymore. It was all gummed up. It's like a bod jam and it goes on smooth. I have two thoughts that kind of dovetail into each other. One, don't tell anyone the name of the cologne that you're wearing. I certainly wouldn't because the last thing I want is other people

out there smelling like me, you know, and like stealing my profile, doing whatever the fuck they want with it, robbing banks with a mask on. That masked robber sure smelled like Griffin, and then I'm in jail. Yeah. But the other thing is that you always have the opportunity when somebody asks you what scent you're wearing to say like, oh, I'm not wearing anything silly. Oh yeah. This is my Fairman's. That's just me. Also, it's been a long time since I bought cologne, but I remember that I would never tell anybody the name of the cologne I was wearing because I can't remember the last time I heard the name of a clone and thought, that's a cool name of a thing to say out loud. Yeah. I mean, for a while, because I was a person in the 90s and early 2000s, I wore

a curve. Oh, yeah. And then for a while, I got bored because everyone was wearing curves, so I started wearing him Bora Bora. Oh, yeah. Oh, he's going on a trip. Yeah. There's just, I don't know a cool name, like what you could be like, what scent, what is that clone? And you would say a word and be like, oh, that was a cool thing to say out loud with your face. Yeah. I mean, I did briefly have a stint where I tried on 23 by Michael Jordan when I tried out for the high school basketball team because I was dressing for the job that I wanted, but I was terribly allergic to this scent. Did Michael Jordan start 23 in me? He did. Yeah. And originally, it was a sort of program where he would fly to your house and he would show you some of his favorite shots that he can take from

like different places. And also swab inside of your cheek, but just because. Yeah. That was just for him. Griff, do you have another yahoo? I do have a yahoo here. And this one was sent in by Emma Cant. Thank you, Emma, crushing it. It's another anonymous yahoo answers user. Put your fucking name on your work. Michael Jordan asks. Oh, what a get. Titanic was such an excellent movie that it's hard to critique anything about it. But what is something small you would critique about it? I didn't like that the boat broke. The boat breaks? It's like, what were you doing? Yeah, they spend this whole movie like getting us way into the boat and way into like the people on it. And then they're just like, twist the boat broke. And you know, Jimmy Cameron like spent a bunch of money building this huge

boat prop and then he accidentally broke it and was like, I don't know. We got to keep making it. Because they talked throughout the movie a lot about how the boat is unbreakable. They're like, this is an unbreakable boat. And then they break it. And it's like, that's bad writing. Because like you said, it was unbreakable. You lied. You are an unreliable narrator. You said that the boat was unbreakable and then you broke it. That's like having a murder mystery where it's just like, they didn't do it, but then they did do it. Well, you know that, you know, you know why that happened, right? Why? This is actually pretty well established. Hollywood lore. I heard, I think I heard on like, Jack, he wrote like two thirds of a movie about these two people falling in love

on the Titanic and he couldn't come up with an ending. And he's like, God, I've written so many fucking pages of this thing. And then he's like, maybe, and then maybe what if the boat had sunk? And I was like, are you kidding? He's like, no, but what if it had sunk? And everybody's like, the Titanic was fine and is still fine to this day, shoveling people back and forth. And Jimmy's like, but what if it, what if it broke and sunk to the bottom? That was the end of the love story I did. I also don't like that they don't end up together. It sucks. And this is my main problem with the movie. And it's a fucking great flick. And it's like impossible to critique it. But if I were to critique it, I would say that it spends

a great deal of time making me fall in love with all of these amazing characters, like Jack and Kathy Bates and Billy Zane. And then most of them die. And it's like, why did you just spend like two and a half hours making me get to know Kathy Bates' character name only to kill her off, I think, maybe at the end of the movie? That's a fucking great. Okay, Griffin, you have actually hit on something. It fucking sucks. It's a waste of my time. Unintentionally, you've hit on something because the two main characters, Jack Dawson and Rose, should have been Rose Dawson. They should have gotten married.

Should have gotten married on the boat. Before that. There was a captain right there. He could. You know, real quick, I do want to just, as long as we're, I want to get to my point, but Bill Paxton's character was named Brock Love It. And that is, that is one of the few characters who has a complete invention by Jimmy Cameron. So he was just like, what would be a good name for under the explorer? I got it. Brock Love It. Well, he said the name is Brock. And someone said, Love It. And he said, Love It. Yeah. Okay, perfect. Yeah, exactly. Good.

It's the, Titanic sucks because you're getting invested in those characters, right? And then towards the end, spoilers, but towards the end, the boat break. Yeah. And everybody sink into ocean. And dies. That actually made me sad. Right. And that's like, it was so stupid because I want to, I want to watch a movie to feel good, right? But you actually, you fucked up because it made me sad. Why did you waste all this time? What they should have done, I'm going to fix it real quick.

What it should have done is if Leonardo DiCaprio had been a real dingus the entire time. Right. Like he kept like, you know, like stuff like stealing the roses wallet, but she wasn't paying attention and putting, taking your dog and like your dog overboard. Yeah. Just kicking Kathy Bates every time she's on, like, just walking out kicking us. Yes, I love that. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Like putting out lit cigarettes and Billy Zane's bald head

and even doing all this shit. And then that would have kicked ass because when she shoved him off the door, you would have been like, fuck, yes, get him. And then she kind of says something cool like, you know what, we're breaking up and shoved him off the door. Yeah. Or how about this Travis? How about this? How about what she's like, hey, you're dumped in and then as he sank into the ocean. And it's like, you feel good. You feel good if they did that. Can I make one more note? Can I make one more note? I'd love to keep fixing Titanic for sure.

They're steering the boat and he's doing a great job. And he's like, I'm driving the boat. Well, whatever. But he's like, I'm going to steer it right next to this big iceberg. So everyone can get a good look at the iceberg. And then maybe there's like a clumsy crewman who like, whoa, and he bumps the wheel. And that's what makes it go into it. So it's like, oh, this is like completely avoidable if it wasn't for like clumsy Steve. And like, clumsy Steve, like runs into the wheel. And then so it's kind of funny for a second. And it's like a big like, do you know what?

Do you know what would be the fucking cooler? I want to fix it more. Okay. Yeah. What if you cut down the stuff with Jack and Rose to about five minutes? Yeah. Of the movie. And I think, and I got, and I think we all know which five. As long as you're there, by the way, then when he was done drawing her, he should have said, now draw me.

And so you see his pink stick and his balls. Three. Okay. So five minutes of it is that. And the other three hours of 10 minutes is you animate the iceberg and give it like, make it talk about all its hopes and dreams and shit. Yes. And then when the boat comes, you're like, oh, fuck, no. No, not the iceberg. I see the iceberg. He's about to get hit by a boat. Get out of the way, I see.

And you'll just be screwed about that. Those people keep going. You only give them a good fuck about that. They can all stick for all you care. All you care about is like, is I see okay? And here's the thing about this version. He is. Oh, okay. He's fine. He's cool. Maybe he doesn't even notice.

You feel happy about it. You like that. I think another one. Can I give one more note? One more note. Well, let me do one because I haven't gotten to tell a joke in a while. Okay. They also could have done, they could have had their cake and eat it too,

where Jack's sinking into the bottom of the ocean and dying. And all of us are like, wait a minute. This movie is making me feel pretty bad right now. But then he wakes up on the boat, still not broken. And it was a dream and looks over. And him and Rose just finished like hooking up again. And they get married and like, she looks at him and is like, what's wrong, my love?

It seems like you're having a bad dream. He was like, I was, but now it's over. And guess what? And he holds up the big blue diamond necklace. He says, I got the treasure. And then that's the end of the movie. And then you know, like he got the treasure and gets like, they're going to have a lot of money whenever they get off the boat.

And they're going to have a cry out. And now we're turning Titanic to Titanic. But in the Titanic, we got, which now I'm thinking about it, is a shit flick. Socks, the more we pick at some of the loose threads. It opens up. I don't even feel like the Cinema Sins on this one went far enough because it's like, there's some really bad ones.

We start out with Brock fuck it. And he's like, I'm going to find the big treasure to get lots of money. And you're like, oh, that would be fucking cool. I can't wait to watch this. I love movies about like finding cool treasures. And then you watch this whole movie thinking like, when is the, when's the treasure going to come to play? And then they like tease at it a few times.

And then she is wearing it in the nudity sequence. And then like at the, and then at the, and you, the whole time, all these people died and you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, is he, is Brock going to get the cool treasure or not? And then at the very end, she throws it in the water. No, thank you. What's the point of this movie? I would like to add a little bit to that scene to fix it.

Well, not to fix it, but just to kind of highlight it for a moment. Because I think she should, well, she shouldn't drop it in the ocean. But if she does drop it in the ocean, her daughter, who is also there, should walk out and say, hey, did you just throw that priceless gem in the ocean? You have a family. You have a family. You could have given that to me and that really would have helped,

you know, our financials and stuff. I live in a crude tit that I fashioned together from those drawings of yours that you gave me of yourself naked. I have to live in a crude tit made out of naked drawings of you. Please just sell the neck. What the fuck? You've had that this whole time? When dad needed surgery and we had to do it, go fund me,

you had a fucking heart of the ocean with good souls? But then she says, no, no, no, no. Look down there. It's a shithead whale. And you look down and she landed it right in his blow hole and he died. That's pretty good. Also, I knew Jack after another shit, and I knew he died also. He's been mad dog in our boat here this whole time.

But don't worry, I took care of it. I have one more note. I have one more note. Yeah, please. I think they should have hooked up in a cooler car. Yeah, that old Buster joint they hooked up in. That raggedy old car that they had was absolutely embarrassing. I picture this, a sick, like, firebird.

Like, oh, yeah, like, oh, with the top down, and maybe they're blasting, like, some Eagles music while they're, like, doing it. Travis, look out above fucking Oscars are falling off of you. And what would be dope is, like, when the hand comes up and, like, slaps the window and wipes some of the steam off the window of the Bugatti that they're shagging in, you see now through the cleared window,

Kathy Bates is just, like, looking in there, like, great. Oh, my God, I just got a fax from Jimmy. He said, Justin would love for you to walk through the beats on Av2. Yeah, all right. See, make sure, I'm thinking about delaying it just so I can really crack this net water. Make sure, what if Avatar 2 was just a sequel, like, a backdoor sequel to Titanic, where they got in there

and it was, like, a VR session. Stop it. Avatar's a perfect film. Never seen it. It's not a piece of shit like Titanic. Avatar is perfect. Yeah, because it's bad. It's bad.

They have badass fights and it makes you feel good at the end of it. I think it's time for a Titanic reboot. The good news is because of our incredible fortune in becoming Jimmy's sort of dudes behind the scenes, pulling all the strings, we no longer require the money from our advertisers. That's wonderful news for us. Yes.

And it's also wonderful news for this week's charity that we've selected. Yeah, this week we are donating our ad revenue to the Foundation for Black Women's Wellness, which is all about supporting and advocating for Black women and their families during, well, especially right now, during the COVID-19 pandemic, but it's all about supporting those families and keeping them safe and healthy all the time. So you can read about it.

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Well, I don't want to get the enemy of sad. Listen, you live in now, you won't be happy, but you won't be sad. How's that? Hey, stamps.com is going to get you stamps without you needing to go to the post office. And that's like, let's just put the tiger on the table and yell at it.

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Use your computer. Like on reboot? Yeah, basically like reboot. So you have all kinds of mail carriers that live in there and they play all your video games for you. Stamps.com will help you print official US postage for any letter, any package, any class of mail, anywhere you want to send it.

24 seven, no questions asked. I don't know if that's the last part. They may ask a couple of questions to make sure the mail gets to the right place. But anyway, once it's ready, just leave your mail for the mail carrier and or you schedule a free package pickup or you drop it in a mailbox.

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click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, type in my brother, all one word, that's stamps.com, enter my brother, stay safe, my friends. Listen, I'm going to talk about Warby Parker in a second. But first, do you guys ever think about that the mythology that reboot was building that was every time you played a game on your computer,

you were putting the residents of your computer at risk? Every time. Okay, but that's a weird thing. Oh, you want to play that cool racing game? Murderer. Yeah. Now back to Warby Parker. Warby Parker was founded with

the gold degree boutique quality I wear at revolutionary price points. And they did it. I, this is not a joke, I'm wearing Warby Parker's right now. And if you're like me and Griffin and not Justin. Why would that be a joke? What?

Why would that be a joke? That would be a really shitty, not funny joke. If I said like no bullshit. Listen, this is a no bullshit zone. I'm wearing Warby Parker's right now. They probably don't love the cursing and stuff. No bull coin. It's a family company trap.

The Warby Parker is on my face right now. They're adorning my nose and improving my vision. And Griffin wears glasses to you and Justin does not. And the end of Travis's book report on who wears glasses. My favorite thing is Warby Parker doesn't just offer glasses. They also offer sunglasses, which I require to see when it is bright outside. They also have contact lenses and eye exams.

They're committed to providing exceptional vision care online and in stores. We have a Warby Parker store here in Cincinnati. So I love them. They're comfortable and they have sizes big enough to fit my giant head, which I really appreciate. And they're stylish and cool. Warby Parker is committed to providing exceptional

vision care online and in stores. They, their glasses start at $95. It includes prescription lenses. And like I said, they have sunglasses, progressive, and blue light lenses. So try Warby Parker's free home try on program. Order five pairs of glasses to try on at home for free for five days.

There's no obligation to buy ships free and includes a prepaid return shipping label. Try five pairs of glasses at home for free at warbyparker.com slash my brother. Welcome back to Fireside Chat on KMAX. With me in studio to take your calls is the dopest duo on the West Coast, Oliver Wong and Morgan Rhodes.

Go ahead, caller. Hey, uh, I'm looking for a music podcast that's insightful and thoughtful, but like also helps me discover artists and albums that I've never heard of. Yeah, man. Sounds like you need to listen to Heat Rocks every week myself.

And I'm Morgan Rhodes and my co-host here, Oliver Wong, talked to influential guests about a canonical album that has changed their lives. Guests like Moby, Open Mike Eagle, talk about albums by Prince Joni Mitchell and so much more. What's that show called again? Heat Rocks, Deep Dives into Hot Records.

Every Thursday on Maximum Fun. So a brief story before we move on. Last month, which seems like 100,000 years ago, we recorded a brief interview with our dear friend, Dr. James Buffett, about life and how to stay calm in the face of calamity. Home, summer vibes. Yeah, summer vibes, all to,

and a little bit about his new album, Life on the Flipside, that came out last month. And then with, in the face of the Black Lives Matter protests and just everything going on, it didn't seem like a great time to be encouraging people to relax. To live in island time necessarily. Yes, exactly.

And I would argue that it is still not that, but we still think it's important to take a little bit of time to breathe, just so you can get back out there. And when you need a second to breathe, there's nobody better than Jimmy Buffett to help you do that. So let's check it with Jimmy. We're joined by, for an update on progress

of coronavirus research, we're joined by lead researcher, Dr. James Buffett. Dr. Buffett, how is work going on the antidote for coronavirus? Have you almost got this thing figured out? Yes, I do. It's jellyfish. Jellyfish?

Where were you least expected it? The venom of the jellyfish? Or is it part of like a diet, a sort of dietary situation? I think that it's the venom. I'm not supposed to say. Oh, okay. Yeah, you know what's going to happen now.

They're going to say Jimmy Buffett's found. Why did you all open this? And I actually responded to that question. I'm just guessing here, Jimmy. And this is Jessica. This is related to nothing. But have you been awarded any honorary doctorates from any universities?

Are you Dr. Jimmy Buffett yet? I am. I am. Yes, I knew it. Wait, I got one in here. Maybe it's in the room. He's got him lying around. Just like reach out.

It's a pile of honorary doctorates. I swear to God, it might be. He's got one under a wobbly table leg somewhere. Oh, no, oh, no. That's the CMA award for, what was it? Country Music Association, Musical and Beauty of the Year. Oh, what the fuck that is. No, but I do.

I have a doctorate of music from the University of Miami. Nice. Yeah, right. They don't just soze. I mean, Dr. Jimmy Buffett says, jellyfish. How are you? How are you handling it? How are you?

How are you dealing with it? You know, it's funny no matter how good things are in my life, I usually have the thought, well, I bet Jimmy Buffett's probably having more fun than I am right now. And I feel like this period is the one shot I have where maybe at any given moment, I might be having more fun than you are. Just in one moment, no, you're shaking your head, no.

No, I'm still having more fun. I bet you've been in just like some boring place. You're probably in Cleveland or something. You're stuck, landlocked in Cleveland. Malibu. Dang it. Dang it, Jimmy. This is my chance.

I'm stuck in Malibu. Now, I have heard Cleveland referred to as the Malibu of Ohio, so. Listen, I couldn't agree more. Listen, I'm very, you know, they've been very, very good to me in the state of Ohio. Yeah, for a couple of days there, I was climbing the walls, but I'll tell you what it was. I read this article early on.

You know who Scott Kelly is, you know, the astronaut? No. He's an astronaut, right? He's that astronaut. Thank you. Thanks, Travis. He was, he is the man that has spent the longest, the human that has spent the longest time in space.

Look at us all out here now. It could be pretty like locked in, but when you're on the space station. Right. The interesting thing was the common sense things he put out there kind of calmed me down and it made me think of long sailing voyages that I did. And that's exactly what I did. Because like when I used to do long trips, you know, thousand miles or so down from the Newport to British Virgin Islands or to St. Bart's

or from Lauderdale, still a long trip, you know, and you're on your own out there. So the way it usually started out was a party at the dock and you got a little drunk and you were hung over when you left. And they go, and it pretty much never, never ceased to fail. That something major on your boat would break or a huge storm would hit you in the first day or two while you're still trying to get over your hangover. And there are times probably I was weeping to myself, but I should be back on shore eating eggs vented into the borses.

He said, why am I out here? Then you have to kind of slap yourself in the face and go, hey, get it together and get in the groove. And you do. I just want to say, Dr. Buffett, this might go completely against your entire ethos, but the idea of being hung over on a boat during a storm sounds like the worst thing in the world to me. This is the worst thing I can imagine.

There's something worse hung over on stage in front of 10,000 people. I don't do that anymore. Listen, that was when the police got police, baby Jesus. If you let the adrenaline get in here and let me get through this, I swear to God, I will never do this again. That happened at about 50, and I haven't done it since. So we have a few more like a decade and a half of good, hard living ahead of us before we have to. Yeah, don't go there yet. I'm not saying stop today.

Hey, it has been seven years since you've released a studio record. I think Songs for Saints Somewhere was the last one. And now you are back with Life on the Flip side. How do you know when it's time for you to put out a record? Do you wait till you have enough songs? So you decide, yeah, I got to sit down and focus on this long enough to do one. You know what, Justin, it's a little bit of both because I was having a lot of fun being Jimmy, but in the meantime, there was work going on, which was the musical.

That took a lot of time, and that was the first four months of the year, and then touring, and then we were immediately into preparing it for the road. So between that and then all of a sudden jumping into the Kaigo world and becoming what, you know, they anointed me the godfather of tropical house, I enjoyed playing around in there. So I was kind of, you know, my creative stuff was going in those directions. And, you know, before that, other things were doing it. And then it's the time flies saying, you went, damn, it's been seven years, and we were starting to write and I had some pretty good songs.

And we, you know, it was a great thing with the Coral Weaver Band. We loved being in the studio. I mean, some of the best times I ever playing music was in that studio with my band, because we built that little studio in Key West, and that's kind of our little magic spot. And so we went, hell yeah, let's concentrate for the rest of the time on writing, and go in in January and do a record. Let's see what it does. You know, we've always, when we made an album, it wasn't trying to get famous or get,

you know, get successful. Thank God that's happened. So I don't have anything to prove out there, but we just wanted to make a record that are, you know, if you like to what we do, you can add this to your collection. So that was the driving force. And when we got into it, we, you know, as you do something like that, I wasn't working on any other things. And I concentrated for the last seven months on writing songs.

We don't have like a specific like question from the audience, like we usually do for these guest segments. Is anybody listening? There's a small diehard contingent of things. You can't keep a fan base with quarantine? Well, they've all realized they could be baking bread instead of listening to our show. And they're like, wait, this is more interesting. Yeah, they've all picked up new hobbies and left us behind.

But that kind of goes into the question. We also had Liz Gilbert on the show during this quarantine and sort of talked to her about the same thing. And I'm curious your thoughts, like how you remain creative, like how you are sort of fostering that part of yourself in the midst of all of this. Because I know there's like a lot of our listeners who have all this time in their hands and feel like they should be using it to make something, but don't really are finding it tough to sort of get up the guts to actually do it.

I've missed a few days, but I've been pretty true to it. And that is the first thing is to look at how we can keep our fan base, which already was up there, like looking at our Wednesday and Saturday shows. We were a little bit ahead of the curve there with Martin Rediville, TB, and Radio Martin Rediville, because we can't go out. Everybody kind of gathered there. And so we had a locked in audience, and so we wanted to entertain them. So that was one thing.

And we're still doing that. And the other thing was I started playing the guitar more and going over jazz chords. Oh, really? Yeah. And I got, well, I got this guitar. I don't have it here, but the people at Benedetto that make these beautiful jazz guitars, you know, they started in Italy, but they're made in Savannah, Georgia, and they were going to make me one.

And the factory shut down, and I had a loaner, so I still got it. And it's this beautiful guitar. So I had this great Benedetto jazz guitar. Thank you, Howard Paul, who's the CEO, and they're waiting to go back to work, too. So I've got this beautiful jazz guitar, and, you know, I'm not a big jazz player, but I love listening to it. So I started playing a little, looking for some little augmented sevenths and chords, as I was writing.

I had this guitar, so I'm doing like an hour a day of just playing guitar, and also an hour a day of French, because I've, you know, I speak fairly good French, but this is a good time, and I'm doing better now, because I'm doing it a lot. I go up on a podcast and talk to people. I'm reading The Little Prince in French. Have you thought about releasing a French jazz album? There you go.

Really alienate everybody. How did that not cross my mind? All right. Listen, I would buy it. You call it James Bouffet Presents, and then you make it. And like, I mean, I would listen to the hell out of that. Jim, as somebody who's been to several of your concerts, and it's heard people just sing along with every word.

I would fucking adore one night to hear you be like, hey, everybody, I'm just going to groove for the next 30 minutes. I'm just going to sit here. Just got a noodle. You all know French, right? Okay, follow along. You all know French in jazz, guard. You want to see an audience move out quick, you know?

Concessions and merch sales are going to spike. Yeah. Just inject some of that into your most beloved songs. After this, just start singing a chorus of Margaritaville in French. I was like, what? Oh, yes. Let's see. Waste and away would be n'importe encore.

You'll be okay. Ooh. See you in that song. N'importe encore in Margaritaville. That's good. I like that. Yeah. Yeah.

Je buzois une grande vase de sel. All right. Yeah, I love it. Quelque chose genre dit-et en ferme courante. C'est moi le pote. There you go. You just cut that out by the spotify. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

We got something here. Oh, here we go. Oh, you're going to lay it down. Okay. All right, great. Jazz cards? Okay, let's do it. Okay.

Where's my song? This is great. This is good, though. This sounds really good. I got a hit, Jimmy Buffett's single. Why is my song? That led to 18,000 people out. Quick.

Listen, you might have to start in much smaller clubs for a while. Yeah, you got to fill back up. Oh, James Ruffet could be your Chris Gaines. What do you think? My god. Exactly. Don't even talk about Chris Gaines. Finally, somebody speak it out.

You're such a fan and so heartbroken when that phase of his career was so short-lived. I'll never forget when Jimmy Buffett found out that it was just Garth Brooks the whole time. He was crushed. Hey, before we let you go, Jimmy, one last thing. Justin, I think of you as we've talked about your heart rate before in detail.

This can be a stressful time. We've talked about keeping busy. What would be your advice for people that are feeling stressed, feeling kind of pent up and losing it? How do people keep calm? Well, you know, I think to keep a little bit busy but do something, you know, and do something like reading to me. I mean, if you start there and you don't have the ability to get out

or do anything, it's read good books, you know. And if you're not a reader, start reading because it can take you there. It really can. We all know that, you know, to me, great writers read and listen, you know. And that's where I start first at reading. I mean, if that was the basic, you know, and then if you got room, get a ping-pong tape. Okay.

Julie, this is the second time you've recommended reading on our show and I'm so, I'm so fed up. It's the least you can do. You don't want to read. Okay, okay. Forget reading. Yeah, I'm going to cut that out and make it my ring tone. Now, I'll tell you what, let's get back to the ping-pong tape.

Okay, thank you. The Buffett family are all ping-pong players, except my wife. My kids and I, and even my dogs can chase the ball. Right, my dogs are here. You want to see them? Yes. Watch this. Let me see if this will work.

Wait, let's see. Hey, Gracie, look. Beach. Want to go to the beach? They're unmoved. Not going to stop it, Jimmy. How about this? Tree.

Tree. I think they're asleep, Jimmy. Wait, Jimmy, those are stuffed dogs. How you been in, you've been locked up for too long. Oh, they are stuffed dogs. I forgot. No, no, no. No, okay.

The other, yeah, but they make little. My son has one in his apartment here and he showed it to me, but it's a little ping-pong table. It's got to be maybe four feet by three feet that also pops open and it has little pool cues hitting and you shoot pool on it. They don't cost much either. Yeah. I know something that people could do to help with their anxiety

and that is to pick up Life on the Flipside, the new studio album by Jimmy Buffett. I was about to say in-store, just don't do that. No. Just, you know, buy it on the internet wherever fine albums are sold. Okay, where's that these days? Yeah, okay, well, fair enough. I don't know.

I'm a podcast guy, Jimmy. I don't know. We give our stuff out for free. But thank you so much for joining us as always. It is a treat and a delight. Yeah, well, thanks. I'll just stay in touch with you guys as always. I love listening to the show and best to everybody out there

and hopefully you'll get back on the road too. When you do, they'll be ready for you. Co-headliners. The two America's been waiting for. You can open for us anytime. Yeah, I was going to say the same to you, Jimmy. Yeah, let's not worry about the billing. It'll be a competition between that and your French jazz

to see who can clear the blades out the quickest. You're the one that made me do that. You guys, yeah, yell or yell. You did great. I liked yours. All right. Thanks, Jimmy. Fins up.

Thanks, guys. Always great. Great to see you. Stay safe. Bye. Uh, here is a question. I'm in the process of writing a fairly serious fantasy novel set in classic olden times. My problem is this.

What is the best word to use when referring to a character's butt? This is a fairly serious scene, so I don't want to sound anachronistic or suggestive. At the same time, I don't want to sound stuffy or puritanical. So what's my best option that's from chasing tailwords in Chattanooga? Clef. First off, I will say congratulations on being what I assume is the only fantasy author in Chattanooga.

You're doing, well, that's, that's, I don't even, I don't even know how to begin diagnosing what that was a scene on, what that was a. Just didn't seem like you hear about a lot of, a lot of fantasy authors from Chattanooga. I mean, there's probably not a lot from other areas. Why would you even say that? Just killing time. Okay.

It's fucking mean, though, to Chattanooga. It's not mean. How is it mean? It's not even judgmental. It's mean to Chattanooga and the people who live there writing fantasy novels. Why is it mean to Chattanooga to say that I don't think there's a lot of fantasy authors? I mean, it's maybe a mild burn, but you didn't even need to say it. You didn't even, you didn't even need to, what's blowing me away is you didn't even

need to be mean to Chattanooga and you decided to do it. I'm not being mean to Chattanooga to say there's not a lot of fantasy. Like, there's not a lot of serial killers from Huntington. Did you do your own census in Chattanooga done just by Justin McRae? Juice, I hope it was before COVID, because that's a lot of human exposure that you did when you went door to door asking who was fantasy novelist in Chattanooga. I'm not helping with this anymore. You guys come up with butt names on your own.

I'm muting. Here. So I've got some synonyms for butt here. Yeah. Backside. Backside. Okay, but let's set the terminology here. Justin, please come back.

It's not my fault you were mean to Chattanooga. So you can't take this out on both of us because you realize how shitty you were being to Chattanooga. Travis and Griffin, as usual. I've muted myself out. It's not a problem, but it's just fucking Travis and Griffin. You know, the classic stuff. Yeah, I was dunking on Chattanooga. This is usual shit.

Yeah, I hate it too. Who do you think he's talking to, Griffin? It's a shit ball of talent. No fantasy authors. We've got two. All right. That's why I'm surprised there's not more fantasy authors just so they can pretend to be anywhere else.

He probably called John Scalzi. John Scalzi. I didn't hear. No, no, they're talking about John Scalzi. Why would you, sweetheart, why would you say John Scalzi? It's not what you're talking about, John Scalzi. Yeah, old man's war is dope, though you're right. Dairy air.

Dairy air is funny. I mean, that's the thing. Are you trying, when you're doing this serious sexual fantasy novel, are you trying to, is it like a funny scene? They said it's a fairly serious scene, so that probably rules out Tushy, which thethesaurus.com recommended. Now, let me throw this out. Haunches.

Fuck. See, I should have stayed muted because I was going to use haunches. That was my haunch, like he showed his haunch. In a serious way. What about his cleft, which I said earlier. I stand by his bottom cleft. I want to know what is the scene, okay. What is the scene that's not funny and it's not suggestive?

It's just a regular, serious scene about butts. Oh, it's sexual, like there, but like he takes off his, he takes off his pants. No, does not want him to be suggestive, so it's not sexual. It's a fairly serious, oh, so like he is being stripped nude to be brought before the, the king's court counsel. The official butts. Oh, then it's Keester. It's Kees, no.

No, that's not. I'm the KBI, I'm the king's butt inspector. Fanny. I'm the FBI, the fiefdom butt inspector. The problem is the, the only thing that I'm seeing that I think like is fairly serious is like bottom, but that just sounds like a, like so infantile. What about, ooh, posterior. No.

Now, what's wrong with that? Sounds like a grandpa. Overly clinical. A big thing that like authors like to do whenever they're talking about somebody's privates or back privates is they will say, they will use like metaphor and be like his big pumpkin. Yeah. Yeah.

And it like, if I do that all, that you're rigorified all the time. I'm seeing that. The kings, the king's counselor stripped the bad night of his clothes and exposed his wormy and his big pumpkin. Then I think people would know which one is the penis and which one is the butt, right? Yeah. We're all, hey guys, we're all adults here. We all know what the big pumpkin is.

Yeah. It's, yeah. Yeah. It's what Linus worships. Now, let me throw this out. You need to maybe add a gerund in there. That will make it seem more serious and fantasy and stuff. So if you say like exposing his quivering cheeks, right?

Now it's like, ooh, that's some writing. That's it. You can't just say exposing his butt. That's nothing, right? That's just, that's first draft. Exposing his, no, I can come up with his quivering cheeks. I mean, you could just say his big fat ass. His juicy dumper.

No, no, not his juicy dumper. Dumper is not the right vibe. I think just saying like he takes off his pants before the king's counsel and reveals his big, his fat ass, then people are going to read that and like, it may catch him off guard, but they'll be like, oh, this is a character development trait I didn't know about. But now when I think about them, I'm going to think about. It explains a lot of their choices. It explains a lot of, yeah.

And like that fight scene that I envisioned earlier, when I was reading the words and like trying to figure out what it looked like in my mind. Now that I know that he's packing heat in them jordashes, like then it's going to change a lot of what that fight looks like. It makes so much sense because the entire book, they've been carrying themselves like someone with a fat ass. I thought he was just kind of full of himself and a little bit of a braggart, but it turns out, no, he got that fat ass.

When he kills a dragon with a spear and you know he's got some heave and Levi's in there, then you are going to think about the fight in a different way is all I'm saying. And I know what you're saying question as they're like, I don't want it to be funny. So let me give you this suggestion. A lot of the times as a reader, I don't know if something is supposed to be like, what the tone is supposed to be until someone else responds to it. So here's what I suggest. He removed his pantaloons before the inspector were feeling his fat ass.

And then you have the inspector say, well, this is very serious. That's a serious ass. Well, I see. This is very serious. That's a serious chunk of back meat. Nothing funny about that ass. Just a regular ass. Those are two serious butt cheeks.

Well, Witcher, this is a very serious ass you've brought before us. I must speak with the council to decide how to deal with that ass. Witcher, Witcher. Well, bounce a coin off your witch's ass. Old Valley of Plenty still works. Thank you. Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. We hope you've enjoyed yourself against all odds.

Thank you to Jimmy Buffett, his new album, Life on the Flipside is available now wherever you listen to music. Check out all the other amazing shows on Maximumfun.org. There's lots to check out there. Let's see Minority Corner. There's, you know, other ones. Jordan Jesse Go. Oh, that was bad.

Wow. So bad. Try again. I said Jordan Jesse Go. Bubble, which, you know, there's not like new episodes or anything, but it's still great. Still worth a listen. Why are you so bad at talking about the other shows on the Maximum Fun?

I don't know, Griffin. Go to McRoyMerch.com. You know what I like? Heat Rocks. You're listening to Heat Rocks. Great way to discover new music, I found personally. You can go to McRoyMerch.com. See all of our merchandise there, including a good out here t-shirt,

as well as a phantasmal and resplendent pen, both of those from the Adventure Zone, and the proceeds of which are going to the Trevor Project. So make sure to check those out. What else, boys? Yeah, check out also the Foundation for Black Women's Wellness We'll have a link to that in the episode description, and think about supporting them also.

Yeah. Did we thank John Roderick in the long winters? No, because- For the use of the Zoom, I'm telling you, it's a part drop of the album with Midnight's Day. The one and the same. Thanks, John, in the long winters. Do y'all want that final?

Yes, we do. Yeah, absolutely. Well, let me fucking find it. Okay. Hold the fucking phone. Okay. Here's another Emma Cant Joint to close this out. Thank you, Emma.

It's from Yahoo! Answers user Samantha, who asks, Can you get a tongue piercing if your tongue isn't healthy? Oh, boy. Oh, boy. My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. Bracing. I'm Griffin McElroy.

Is that too gross? Should I do a different one? No, it's- You already said it. This has been my brother and me, because your dad's square on the lips.