My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 518: Pepperoni and Vicki

Episode Date: July 13, 2020

We’re kicking off our long-delayed, fully-casual MaxFunDrive with today’s episode, and celebrating the occasion by firing an enormous cloud of mechanical space debris toward the unsuspecting surface of our Earth. That’ll teach ‘em!Consider becoming a supporter of our show: www.maximumfun.org/join/Suggested talking points: The Piper, Accidental Sixteenth Chapel, Scareinara, Good Wine Years, Basement Porno Hoard, MIR’s Big Taco Crash, Tire PhilosopherMore resources on anti-racism and fighting police violence: https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? It's familiar, but not too familiar, but not too not familiar. It's a new craze, and the girls do you want to say, hey I wanna, just say, hey I wanna. Hello everybody and welcome to my brother. My brother means advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy.

And I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy. Is that the Piper? He's back, and I know that, real quick guys, we should have talked about this before we started a quarry. I know this is gonna be our super chill sort of max fun drive. I was going for four weeks, but I thought we could go like this first week, like pretty fucking heavy on it. It's me, the Piper. Yeah, exactly that type of energy I love. I am the Piper. Yeah, and the bill has come due, respectfully. It's unbelievable to me that you would not know this at this point, but we are a part of the maximum fun network, which is artist owned. That's right, we're artists and supported.

If you take one thing away from the day, let it be that. Let it be that, we are artists. This podcast is just as good as a painting or photograph. But more importantly, we're audience supported, so we're asking over the next few weeks that you become a member of the maximum fun family. Just head on over to maximumfun.org forward slash donate. You can choose a monthly amount that's comfortable for you. A lot of people do five or 10 bucks a month, and some even go as high as 20 or 35 or $100 or there's one insane person that pledged $100,000 for a single night with me. But I said, no, I shan't. This is a way that you can support the shows of the network and say that I like this. You

help to make these shows happen. You're the reason that we can do them as regularly as we can. Just to be quite honest with you, things have been weird for you. We absolutely get that. They've been weird for us too. We had to cancel a lot of live shows and book tours and stuff like that, the stuff that makes our business a business. And now we come to you hat in hand. We've fallen like egress to just begging for your scraps. So please toss some scraps our way at maximumfun.org forward slash donate. That was a chill vibe. That vibe was pretty chill. There's rewards and there's stuff you get and everything. Yeah, you get gifts, but the gift is knowing that you're part of the family. Yeah, the family. Yeah. We'll talk a little bit more

about it later on. I promise we're not going to do the usual extended chats that we usually do during the Maxfun drive. But yeah, should we brief chat? A brief sort of sermon or lecture even. Does it sound good? Do you just want to kick us off with a little question? We should start with riddle me this voice. We can't say, hey guys, it would be cool to give us money and then Travis is like, and here's what you get for the money. And then he throws up all over you and your hair. Okay, I took the money that people donate to the Maxfun network and I paid composer Michael Jacchino to write me a kind of like opener. I paid him $150,000 for that. Well, that was too much money for a bad song. Oh, damn it. Okay. Well, we've got two here.

Okay. Wow. One is just a quick one. And another one's a real brain scratcher. Okay. So Hazel sent this one. Well, and let me be clear, it's fair to Hazel. This was not Hazel's question, mind you. We know how to find this. Okay. There was a huge painting in an art museum. Everyone looks at it more than the quote Mona Lisa in quote. Why is that? Why did it need to be? Okay. Yet the painter is not famous. Why? Is it the map to the museum? A good guess. But no, because it's the map. I said the map said two. Yeah, but I said it with the confidence. Oh, I like that. Yes. No, the answer is the huge painting was the wall. And then this is why I really enjoyed this. No one is usually famous for painting a wall.

Well, is that if I paint my den cream eggshell off white and at the end of I'm like, look, what do you think of my new piece? Look, what do you think I'm saying with this new piece? The Sistine Chapel was originally just a sort of nice beige color all over, but then he spilled a bunch of fucking paint upwards and it just so happened to make a pretty cool lord. My piece. This is my piece that I did when I originally painted the roof of the 16 Chapel. I would also. The 16 Chapel. Well, it was the 16th one they built. Yeah, sure. Time. I would also argue, folks, that a lot of people have gotten famous for painting walls. Banksy for one. Banksy is pretty well known for painting on walls. But he doesn't. It's special.

Yeah, that is true. Banksy doesn't just like take a pan and a roller and like try out like I went for kind of a lavender with this one. Do you feel like Banksy right now is getting like halfway through something and then something else even wilder happens is like, well, damn it. I guess I got to go do a Banksy about that now. I bet the best part about being Banksy is like half the time you didn't do it, but you can be like, that was me. But you can't be like that with me because none of that would have ruined the whole thing. OK, we got one more here. And this is just one. I know this one is really going to twist your noodle. What came out from one hole and goes into two holes. Jesus, is the answer gross? Can you tell us the answer?

The answer is gross. The answer is purile. Is it pee pee? No. A tongue? No, the answer is farts. And it took me a long time to figure out what the two holes they were referring to was. There's so many holes it goes in. You can't just say, you can't definitively say it goes into two holes. I'm looking around my room right now. There's a few there's like power outlets that that's three holes per outlet. Like you can't tell me it doesn't go in there. And that's gross and I don't want it to be in the show. But like there's a ceiling vent that has so many holes in it. Wait, whenever the power goes out in my house, the electrician never comes over and is like, well, it's because so many farts. It's so crazy. Yeah, all your electric pipes got clogged up with

the farts. It's like my body even has more than two holes in it. And you can't tell me that it doesn't go back in a little bit. Do you know what I mean? Like it's just this is a this sucks. They soak it soak into the electrical wiring. Think about ghost writer has to travel along those to get from room to room just on a wave. Hey, do you think ghost writer when a kid farted was ever like it was Tommy? Like I absolutely I'm a ghost. I know exactly who did it. I can farts on my wavelength. I made it spell spell it like auto automatically like behind their butt and they're like, oh, come on. Yeah. Oh, man. I was just sitting here reading my high and lowest cartoon and you took the words out of high and low so it said brap behind my butt right behind my butt.

And he can even do that even if you didn't rip. Oh, yeah. Just like this whole thing sometimes goes right it just has beef. Just wants to embarrass you. Okay. Okay. I'm sorry. I didn't come to your birthday party. You're a ghost. Now can we do? Yes. Yeah, I'd like that. I really would. That would be nice just to spend some time with my brothers. I just met a cute girl within five minutes of conversation. I told her I was going to visit some friends across the state about a three hour drive. She exclaims that her father opened a pizza shop in that area. She asked for my number. I'm instructed to tell her father that she sent me. I will likely receive free pizza. Do I get pizza from this girl's father or is it too early to meet her parents?

What a wild. Hey, Vicki sent me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Is it pepperoni and Vicki sent me? Vicki sent me? Who is Vicki? Is there an owner here? Is the owner? Go ahead and talk to an owner. Is the dad here? Is daddy here? Is that a Vicki's dad? I'm looking for daddy. Who made Vicki? Who made Vicki here? I'll have a large pepperoni and one Vicki's dad, please. What size, shape, and organization of pie would you order when your plan to pay for it is, I know Vicki. Is it you got to go small, right? It's got to be small. Oh, personal pants, single topping. I don't want to be a bother, but I do know Vicki and I am trying to get with her right now. Right now. Don't worry about that,

daddy. Can I call you daddy? Right now. Can I say, hungry and confused in Ohio, there's one word in this entire question that maybe is the one that trips me out. I know it. I know this word. It is likely. Yes, this is the word. Yes, the word likely. If Vicki herself cannot give you the Vicki guarantee that this, that this plan is going to pan out, there is no personal pan out. There is no fucking way you can try and execute it. Because there's the chance that this happens. I'll have one pizza, please. And also Vicki sent me. Okay. I don't have any money. I don't have any jokes on you. I don't like Vicki. That is you will have to, that's, that will cost you $100. Vicki is my worst child by far,

because she keeps giving away free pizzas. I am a small business owner. I've just recently opened this establishment and everyone Vicki talks to for five minutes sends them three hours my way to get one free pizza. I'm giving away pies here because of those loose Vicki lips. I think it's probably more likely that Vicki's trying to drum up business for her dad's pizza. Like, doesn't that make more sense? Like, my dad needs good pizza. Go see him to have the pizza. Vicki gets 10% of everything for referral fee. Yeah. Yeah. The worst response you could get, I think, is Vicki, why Vicki died 75 years ago this very night. There hasn't been a Vicki here for 75 years. And also to be fair, I died 80 years ago tonight. So do you want some

Ghostaroni on your ghost pizza? Now keep for coming here. Some scarinera. Some scarinera sauce. Oh God. The fucking crepe keeper. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. I hear have a little mushroom. Maybe a side of pain apple. I will say that if you go to this pizza store owner and drop Vicki's name and say that she said you could get some free pizza and he says Vicki died 75 years ago, I think you could make a pretty sound argument that you should super get the pizza now because Vicki's ghost or angel came to you in a vision and told you be not afraid. Go visit my dad or grandson. I'm not entirely sure what unclear what it is and get this. So that I can finally rest so that I may die and pass on into oblivion.

Here's a Yahoo. Can I read it? Can I do it? This one was sent in by Graham Robuck. Thank you, Graham. Graham crushed it this week. Really did not fake the funk. It's asked by Yahoo Answers user Felix who asks, in food and drink, beer, wine and spirits category. So that's like this is one of the rare times where they actually have selected a very appropriate category. Felix asks, which years are the good wine years? I've only had ever a couple sips of wine in my life, but I always hear people who are wine experts saying stuff like that was a good year. I want to sound like I know what I'm talking about if someone ever offers me wine. So I was wondering if anyone knows what all the good wine years are. And I am just now realizing, fam, that we did do

a question last week about how to sound like you know what beer is like. So this is sort of a sequel, like a squeak wool to that. And that was unintentional. But I don't, people who like know a lot of different sort of like wines and vineyards, that in and of itself is sort of like remarkable. I mean, I know upwards of 300 Pokemon. So maybe it's just like a different way that we have prioritized spending our memory storage. But the people who can be like, ah, the Fibonacci vineyard, that was a good one. And also in 2003, 2007, 2009, their grapes were dope. Like how do you do that? That seems like they're making shit up. Griffin, they are. That is, that is what it all boils down to is like so much of that is uncheckable. If I say, ah, a delicious, this

dreaming tree, Zinfandel from the vineyards of Dave Matthews. Yeah. Ah, delicious. 1998. What a good year. What are you going to do? Google was 1998 a good year for Dave Matthews. Zinfandel wine. Dave Matthews make the best wine. What year did Dave Matthews make the best wine? Right. But like Google that right now, Griffin, and watch your computer explode. Well, I got what you did, Dave, and it filled in. What year did Dave Thomas die? And I got sad. Oh, thank you. I'm sorry, I stopped. I stopped. I'm saying there is no, like, even then, if someone was like, well, that wasn't a good year. And you're like, it was for this bottle. Okay, cool. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Good. He got me.

The good year, what you can fake is the good years differ by region. So if you're like, is it 2012? Sounds very good. They'll be like, no, it's not good. You're like, oh, I didn't. Is that Napa? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, I tend to stay in Tuscany. If you want me to take a soldier on the state side, I suppose I could sully my palate. You could also just go safe and just always say like, that was an average year for wine. Oh, okay. Yeah, that was fine. That was not my favorite year for wine. But not the worst. If someone brings out 69, you can say, oh, nice. Yeah. And then, if they're like, actually, it's pretty bad, you can say, oh, no, I was,

actually, am I wrong the fact that you said 69? I would just try to support you because you said 69. That also works if someone brings out a wine from the year 420. Then you can be like, ah. What a dank blend. I can't wait to drink that and die. I mean, would you? Would it be? Die? It probably wouldn't be very good. No, it's corked. That's corked for sure. This one's corked. This is corked. That one's going to need to be decanted. It's got an ancient vital stream. They hand you the bottle. You look at the year, you say, oh, you waited too long. This is vinegar now. And then you up in the bottle and dump it on the ground. And then no one can check if you're right or not. They're just going to assume that

you knew what you were doing. Just chuck the unopened bottle through the nearest plate glass window. And when they're like, you broke my home, you say, no, you broke my evening with this vinegar wine. You brought vinegar to our home. I have another idea. This is very good. You get the bottle, you inspect the air, you say, ah, 2001, a delightful vintage. May I saber it? Repeat until only beer is left. Repeat until there are only boxes left and then everybody could agree on the quality of those. Justin, if I may, another suggestion. They handed you, you say, ah, 2001, an excellent christening wine. Then you like smash it on the nearest ship or a vessel or whatever. What have you?

That's good. You could also just say like, ah, what year is this from? 2009? A fantastic year. And they'll be like, actually, it was a bad year for this vineyard. And you would say, I meant generally speaking. I had a fucking avatar. Kick ass, dude. Loved it. I had a great make out sesh with someone I had a crush on. It was a fine year. My pews finally blossomed. It was excellent. An excellent year. Family guy, terrific season. Speaking of years, it's this time of year. Well, actually, it's not. Damn it. It's not even this time of year, is it? No, it's Max Fun Drive. And there's some amazing gifts I want to tell you about. And let me tell you, it's like, can I give

him the URL first and he's like, please? You don't need to convince me. It's maxfunfund.org forward slash donate. Please just beat Travis to the punch and just go there right now. Yeah. And then you can tell if you donate right now, then you can always know you did it with a purity of spirit. If you wait until my brother tells you the gifts, then you're going to have to always carry around that question. Why did I do it? Did I just do it for the things or for the love? So true. So it's the first one right off the bat. The best one, as far as I'm concerned, for five dollars a month. Five dollars gets you exclusive members only bonus content.

And not just from this year, from every Max Fun Drive, every piece of bonus content up till now. It's like over 200 hours of bonus content. And there's some really incredible stuff in there. And I'm not just saying one of the ones I'm most excited about is on the Adventure Zone. We played D&D, me, Justin, Griffin, and Dad with Matt Mercer, D'Yeming, with all new characters, all new story, all of Matt's creation. It was so much fun. And I think it's one of the few times, aside from, I think, Dadlands, where the four of us got to actually all play together. It was an absolute blast. Check that out. There's a ton of stuff there. For $10 a month, you get the bonus content.

Plus, you get a enamel pin. It's a Max Fun Drive exclusive enamel pin. And there's one for each show. This has been a hit every year. They're absolutely gorgeous. They're designed by Megan Lynn Cott. And they're gorgeous. If you've ever seen a cool Max Fun pin, it's probably one of the Drive pins. And you get to pick whichever one you want, and you get a membership card. So for $20, you get the pin, you get the membership card, you get over 200 hours of bonus content, and you get a Max Fun game pack that includes Max Fun Inspired playing cards and all kinds of cool stuff. Dice, dice bag. And then for $35, you get the Max Fun game kit, you get the pin, the membership card, all the bonus content,

and a Rocket Camp mug, which is, frankly, my favorite kind of mug, those kind of enamel-y ones, you know, with the speckles, makes you look really cool. And there's more, but you can go check those out. One more time, Justin, give them that URL. It's maximumfun.org for its last join. Also, we fully realize it's not a great time to be asking for money because there's lots of very worthy causes to be giving to. And we also know that a lot of people are not in a financial position to become Max Fun members. And we fully, fully, fully understand that. We're just asking that if you are in a position to invest in this show, in this network, in this community, we really appreciate you sort of supporting our ability to continue to make these

shows. Which, you know, now that we aren't touring or doing anything else, like that is, that's where we're earning our living right now. So, yeah, go to maximumfun.org slash join, look at all the different ways you can give. We really, really appreciate you. And yeah, should we do something else? Yeah, yes. My wife and I recently moved into our first home together. My wife. May I feel bad? I mean, like, I just asked people to consider becoming Max Fun members. And then, you know, why, you know what, I'm gonna, here's my solemn pledge. No more, no more my wife. I will become a, I will become a recurring $100 a month member of our own network if you stick to

that promise. No more my wife's 2020. In five months, you're back to your back on your bullshit. Okay. My wife and I. And I. Wow, Tralf. Good job. Really good. Thank you. And I recently moved into our first home together. Upon removing a ceiling tile in the basement, an entire stack of the previous owners, porno, VHS and DVDs fell out of the ceiling and onto the floor. What do we do? Do we reach out to the previous owner to see if they want them back? That's from Surprise in Milwaukee. Well, not that one. You've identified the worst possible solution. One that you shouldn't do. And it's good. Weed that out because that's going to help us. Hey, is this dog you used to live in?

One, two, three, five house street? Cool, cool. I got all your dirty skin perks. You want me to just drop them off like loose in a pile on your front lawn or what? I could arrange it into a fun shape like a butt on your lawn. You do? Really? You really do want that? Okay. You need that. Goodbye, sir. You were waiting for me to find them. That's how you get your kicks? Oh my goodness, gracious. You still live in the house? I just haven't seen you. Oh no. You're controlling my four-year-old? You're possessing my four-year-old? It's the worst. That got weird. Okay, so weird. I didn't even see that coming. Yeah, you can't reach out to this person. No. I would never shame anyone for sexual gratification, personal sexual

gratification, but I do have to question, boy, time to have some good masturbating time. I better go get this, I better go get the stepladder so I can get my adult belts. I have to place this gym into this divot in this staff and wait for the sun to shine in through the basement window at exactly 12 p.m. I need to contact my brothers to get them to bring their safety deposit box keys down to the bank with me so we can unlock the drawer. So where do you keep your porno? The Shrine of the Silver Monkey. That is a while. The Diffle Guard comes out like again, man, like it's three times today. It's weird to think that you're so embarrassed of your pornography that you hide it in your literal ceiling, but not so embarrassed that you mind people thinking you use a stepladder four

times a day. Right. Just scooting it back and forth. What exactly has happened here is they hit it so good that they forgot. They forgot. And you know what? In many ways, they clearly have moved on with their lives because if they were needing that on a regular basis, they probably would have noticed by now, right? It's not like they misplaced. Well, Trav, but here's a fact from me to you. They guarantee they notice 15 minutes after they left the house, but there is no remedy for this situation from their perspective. That is fair. They can't be like, you know, I think I forgot some stuff. I just need to get into the basement and into the ceiling of the basement, please. I mean, another possibility here. This is this

it's funny. I learned while doing wonderful last week about votive hordes, which are treasure hordes that people would create. And the idea behind a votive horde is that it is not intended to be recovered by that person. It is a purposeful abandonment of those items, usually for sort of ritual practices. Maybe that's what it is. They have all these porno tapes and DVDs and they hovered them over the garbage can. And 10 types. And 10 types, yes. And kinetoscopes or whatever. And they had an old Nickelodeon that you could. This is like sexiest wax cylinder. Yes. And they held them over the garbage can. They just thought, friends, we've had so many great times cranking to you. And I can't throw you in the garbage, but I can't put you in the river.

What if fish see you? What if fish see you and get horny for people? I don't know how that would even work. Garbage volcano is a super good idea, but hasn't been invented yet. So I guess, I guess I got to put you in the ceiling of the basement forever. It's my favorite scene, the incredible Mr. Limpit, when he's like, oh yeah, skinflakes. Oh boy, so we don't have a big bag of porno. Do you guys ever think about Pirates? The incredible Mr. Limpit? Yeah, we judge by the content of this show constantly. Yes. But Pirates, do you think like when they bury their gold and then like two days later, they're at the store and they're like, fuck, I do want to buy the shit. Oh no. Everybody back on the boat. And I guess the bigger question

is if Mr. Incredible Mr. Limpit does see human pornography, if it becomes the incredible Mr. Stiffit. And that's a funny joke. And folks, and folks, that's a funny one. That's one you can take out on the road. Take that one out on tour. You really spin the wheels on that one. Give it some time to breathe. Everyone's going to enjoy that one. Let it aerate a bit. Hey, let's do a quick dip, a quick splash in the soothing waters of the money zone. During these quarantine times, it can be tough to add a little variety to your life. Let me recommend DoorDash. It's an app you get on your phone and then you look for the kind of

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and more. Whatever the mind can conceive, Squarespace can build it into a website, my friends. Squarespace gives you beautiful customizable templates created by world-class designers. Everything optimized for mobile, right out the box. Analytics that help you grow in real time, free and secure hosting, and nothing to patch or upgrade ever. Go to squarespace.com slash my brother for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use the offer code mybrother to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Stamps. Gotta get them. You need them, but you got to stay away from crowds because of virus. But what if you need to go to the post office? What if you need posters to send out letters and packages? Well, don't be a real silly goose

because Stamps.com is here to help. They bring all the services of the U.S. Postal Service right to your home or your office or wherever you're posted up right now. You can use your computer to print official U.S. Postage 24-7 any letter, any package, any class of mail, anywhere you want to send it. Once your mail's ready, you just leave it for your mail carrier or you schedule a free package pickup or you drop it in a freaking mailbox and you don't have to touch anyone, anywhere. It's that simple. With Stamps.com, you get great discounts too. You have five cents off every first class stamp and up to 62% off shipping rates. Right now, our listeners can get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale. Without any long-term

commitment, just go to Stamps.com. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in my brother all one word. That's Stamps.com. Enter my brother. Stay safe, my friends. I started listening to Ono Ross and Kerry shortly after I broke my arm and the doctor had told me I'd never walk again. I couldn't get my book started. I was lost, honestly. I knew it was time to make a change. There's something about Ono Ross and Kerry that you just can't get anywhere else. They're thought leaders, discoverers, founders. I'd call them heroes. Ross and Kerry don't just report on fringe science, spirituality, and claims of the paranormal. They take part themselves. They show up so you don't have to. But you might find that you want to.

My arm is better. I can walk again. I wrote an entire book this weekend. It's terrible, but I did it. Just go to maximumfund.org. Thank you, Ross and Kerry. Ono Ross and Kerry is just a podcast that doesn't do anything. It's just sound you listen to in your ears. All these people are made up. Goodbye. Really crank it. Go. Okay. Losing me. I want a munch. I want two munch. That felt cathartic for all three of us. Yeah. We're all really working some

shit out in that munch squad intro. Welcome to munch squad. It's a podcast that features the latest and greatest in brand eating. I am very hungry, which I hate doing during the munch squad because it makes me feel like I want to eat the things we talk about. It's a very dangerous place to be in. I want to thank Nathaniel because we got a munch squad retro. We're going to hop in the DeLorean, if you will, and drive all the way back to 2001. A great year for wine. A great year for wine, 2001, March 20th. Those halcyon days of the beginning of the millennium. Taco Bell is offering a free taco to everyone in the United States. If the core of the mere space station hits a floating Taco Bell target placed in the South Pacific.

What? Taco Bell is offering a free taco. You're with me so far. To everyone in the U.S., if the core of the mere space station hits a floating Taco Bell target placed in the South Pacific. Huh. Was that okay? I guess the context that I'm missing here is, was that something good? Was the core of that happened? Did people want the core of the, or was this like a conciliatory like, listen, we'll all be bummed out if the core of the mere space station falls. But on the upside, if it hits a Taco Bell target, free tacos. There are 80 brave astronauts serving aboard the mere space station right now, and that sucks. We hate what's about to happen to them. But on the other hand, I think it was a planned fall.

But that does raise a question before I get further and personally. The question that I have is, if we didn't know it was going to land on this Taco Bell target, does that mean we didn't know where it was going to land? I think that's exactly it, Jayman. I mean, that is either, either option is wild. Either Taco Bell knew exactly where the mere space station was going to land, it built a Taco Target there, or that no one knew. And Taco Bell is like, well, if we aren't all eradicated, if, if, if I, if fucking Delaware is blown off the map, the good news will be free tacos forever. All remaining states get a taco party. It encompasses all, all of human experience, right? At one end of the scale, the mere satellite crashes into Los

Cruces and wipes out millions. On the other end of the scale, hey, free tacos. Do you think they're fine? Somewhere on the press release, how big the target is? Yes, I'm going to move on to the literally the second paragraph of this wild, wild press release. Later this week, all eyes will be fixed on the sky in anticipation of the 150 ton space stations return to earth. Taco Bell has created a 40 by 40 foot target. Oh, that seems fucking fair. The Pacific Ocean's only 63 million square miles. So that seems about fair. It's a 40 by 40 foot target painted with a bell's bulls with a bell bull's eye and bold purple letters stating free taco here. Thank God. So the core can see it. Yeah. See it. Oh, what's that? I'm going to crash into that. I've been in space for

decades, but I still love humans enough to give them free taco. I care about this. The floating target will be placed in the South Pacific Ocean off the coast of Australia in advance of Mere's descent. Taco Bell is capturing the imagination of millions of people as they eagerly await Mere's return to earth, said Chris Becker, a fucking optimist if I've ever seen one, and also the vice president of brand communications. If Mere rings our bell, we'll offer a free taco to everyone in the U.S. It should be noted that the NASA is asking us not to do this. Don't do this. They have said, quote, if the core impacts anything, it could start a nuclear winter. But hey, we think it's worth it. They're also embarrassed that their bad spaceship broke and they don't want people to pay

attention to that. Oh, my God. If Mere rings our bell, we'll offer a free taco to everyone in the U.S. First off, you know that it's a good statement if half of your quote is just repeating the thing that we all understand. Yeah. Chris Becker then continues, if the core of Mere hits the designated Taco Bell target, upon its reentry, every person in the United States will have an opportunity to obtain a coupon for a free taco valid at participating Taco Bell restaurants. By the way, if you're a Taco Bell franchise and you say, I'm not doing that dumb space satellite promotion, you don't deserve the name Taco Bell. You should be stripped of your badge. You don't get the spirit of the brand. Coupon distribution, redemption and offer details

will be made available to consumers on the Taco Bell website and in press materials should this event occur. So there's no fucking way. I guarantee they did not even have a contingency for if this actually occurred. Yeah. These websites were not drawn up. Holy shit, though, if only they had been. I imagine they would be some Space Jam, GeoCities level internet events. The good news is that Taco Bell has purchased an insurance policy to cover the anticipated cost of the free taco reduction should the core of Mere hit the target. You know, it's funny. I now know because of the benefit of hindsight what the next 20 years had in store for all of us. And I can think of many better insurance policies. Taco Bell could have taken out

then insurance policy if the mere space satellite, it's our dumb ocean target. So just to be clear, they went, man, 2001 was really a different time, huh? They walked into an office somewhere and said, we are voluntarily offering a promotion that could cost us millions of dollars, and we need you to cover that in case that happens. And someone said, you've got it. Sounds great. The fucking fix was in from the start. And I don't want to sound like conspiracy theorist, but like, I know that whoever was controlling Mere got a little text from, you know, Mr. Taco Bell and was like, hey, we need you to aim pretty far afield from this target, because we will be fucking ruined if this smacks it. We will be in so much trouble,

and there will be no more tacos and it'll be on your hands. I want you guys to know I am now Googling, did Mere Space Station hit the Taco Bell target? Justin, tell them quick. I mean, I have no idea, but no. But almost certainly not. Okay. It did miss, but it says it missed by six inches. Oh, man. No, it probably missed by a million bajillion miles. Oh, yeah, definitely. I mean, it didn't say how much it missed by,

but I wanted to make it seem interesting. Oh, it was so close. It was so close, you guys, that like a bird, a seagull landed on it and scooted it just out of the way. No, a big piece was heading right for it, and a big bird flew in the way and got exploded, and it made the shrapnel disappear. Damn it. But luckily, Sully got him back. Sully fixed it for us. Sully was so pissed that those birds took away our free tacos.

He took those birds out. Good work, Sully. Sorry, I need just a second. Can you guys give me just a second to run some quick math? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, good. Thank you. Just give me a second to run some math. I'll put some cool math sound effects on here. Yeah, if you would just let me run some math. I'll just like play a clip from Swordfish.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe something like a ticker. Like you're hitting keys, you know? Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just be quiet. Or you're doing it in your head. No, no, no. I mean, I'm calm. Then why do I need to be quiet?

No, I mean, you don't need to be quiet. I'm just like I'm trying to get a fix on something. OK, so right. OK, so the. OK, now I understand. So the target was placed in the South Pacific Ocean, right? And I'm looking at a follow up here. The QSR chain set up a floating target carrying the company logo in the phrase Feetakos here about 10 miles off the coast of Australia.

Huh. OK. But mirror landed off course near Chile. That sucks. Oh, wow. That sucks. Fucking look at a map right now. It fucking sucks. Sucks either.

OK, there's two possible scenarios. Either Taco Bell is an incredibly unscrupulous company or we all came fucking super duper, duper close to a very unchilled day. It's like half the planet. Except half the planet away. It's a hemisphere. It's like half a planet away.

You fucked up so bad, mirror. Oh, my God. Oh, wow. It's like way far away. It's pretty far away. I mean, I will. OK, can I say this? Even in the grand scheme of things, Taco Bell,

10 miles off the coast of Australia, you were kind of betting against Australia, right? Like, yeah. It's not like you went dead center of the ocean or anything. No. You were like, I don't know, strong breeze and we lose Brisbane. You know, like I. Yeah, the promotion says we'll give a free talker

to everybody in America. And sure, Australia too. Why not? That's not going to cost us anything. Fuck. It's 10 miles. It's so close. That's such a great point.

The real victory there would not be free talkers for America. It would be the continued existence of Australia. That's the equivalent of like in a in a comma, it's going to hit the earth and like it just barely misses earth because at the last minute Bruce Willis set off the bomb. That's what we're looking at. That's that kind of scrape. And I feel that Australia Australia was probably like,

oh, God, you guys don't get talkers. I feel bad for the family in Chile, who's, you know, little five year old son was like, Papa, I'm scared that the mere space station is going to crash on us. And the dad has to say like, oh, don't worry. Taco Bell put the target a whole hemisphere away. We do. We have nothing to worry about.

The Taco Bell scientists have spent years. The Taco Bell mathematicians have done their work on this and they've done a great job. Son, you have nothing to worry about. No problem at all. No issues here. Hey, can I do a yahoo? Sure, I love that.

This one's a trip. It was sent in by Graham Robot. Thank you. It's a yahoo answers user, Sean, who asks, how to get back at my jerk coworker. Yeah. Familiar premise. Every time we are in Zoom meetings.

So this is the during times. And I start waxing philosophical about our business. We sell tires, by the way. He refuses to engage and just says something sarcastic like, okay, Plato and everyone laughs. Just laughs. They're ugly yellow teeth showing like the rotten top of an old fence. Oh boy.

I try to insist that what I was saying had some value. And then my boss tries to placate me, right? He says, oh, you know, we love you, Sean. And he tries to move on. But I sit there and see every single time watching these robots rattle off facts and figures. I feel like I never have the perfect retort. No matter how much I try to write it out beforehand,

it's never ready for primetime. Does anybody have a good one I can use? Drop your Venmo and I'll pay you for it. Wow. So that's generous. I do like to picture this scene. If someone has just dunked on Sean real hard and you just here. All right.

What am I got here? Back and same on you, pal. Pretty good. $5 there. Sean sounds like a real cool dude to work with. Sean sounds like a real piece of work. But I mean, every tire store's got one. That old just nut.

And I get it, like they sell tires, but that doesn't mean they have to just sell tires. No, if you think about it, the way that the wheel turns is kind of like the way that time is a flat circle. And when we sell a family a tire, what we're really doing is giving them security that their car won't just like scrape along the road and make a terrible noise and like sparks and stuff, you know?

Sparks and a stinky car smell of that rubber. And the stinky car smell and that's really what it's all about. It's like, okay, Play-Doh. Is it? Thank you. Okay, Play-Doh's pretty choice. And I don't know if I was ever working on a job and tried to stick up for myself and my boss said,

oh, you know we love you, Griffin. I would probably have to leave that particular job. Because that falls under the category of things that someone says when you know that they mean the exact opposite of that thing. Because no one has ever had to say to someone, you know we love you and have the other person go, yes, I do know that you do.

God, it would drive me wild though, sitting in one of these meetings when somebody's like, these tires, we should sell them for $50. Oh, snooze. You know what I mean? Like why though? Are we even still selling tires? Is it possible that Sean works with actual robots,

like the robots that take tires off of cars and put new ones on? I see him in the Ford commercials sometimes, making sparks and everything. What if Sean works with those and he makes a joke and they're like, okay, Play-Doh. He's like, god damn it. They literally cannot understand the concept

of the platonic ideal of a wheel. Yeah, he has been trying to like, not just, they understand the mechanics of tires. He's trying to elevate them to a new level of understanding the spirituality of it, but they're robots, you know, they have a hard time dealing with those kind of ethereal concepts.

And so because they're embarrassed by their inability to grasp these concepts, they have to put him down. Right, like they're robots, they know about the allegory of the cave, but they can't possibly conceive of how it relates to selling these incredible Firestone tires. Exactly.

It would be hard to get a leg up on them because like they would just search the cloud. I'm searching the cloud for the best way to tear you down. One second, processing. Here's a picture of your ex-girlfriend. Oh, you got me. That was very painful.

But also very good. You got, I'm gonna, I got me. I had to Venmo a stranger. You sent the Venmo for a great bird and then one of the robots dings. That was me. I created that. You just bought a one of my insults.

This question's hot after presses. This is from two days ago. And a commenter responded, ignore him and sell more tires than he does. Fucking great. You would think that's ironclad, but Sean responded pretty much right away. Yeah, I thought about that.

But then he'll say something like, nice sales lowman. So now we do know this gentleman's entire name. No, hold on. No, men is about. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's lovely, lowman. It's worse.

It's a, this person just made a hilarious death of a salesman. Oh, fuck. I've helped himself too. Hey, Sean sounds like a real treat to work with, huh? Uh, he'll say something like, nice sales lowman and then he'll have the place and stitches that bastard always wins.

If you fucking, if you can drop a Arthur Miller reference and make and bus up your whole office, that's a cool place to work. Yeah. And Sean's the problem. Oh, hold on. There's no doubting anyone's mind.

Sean's the problem here. Yes. We can all agree. Okay. We'll feel pretty confident that Sean's the problem. Good sales, lowman. Good sales. Can you imagine?

When you do your job, idiot. What a weird, ironic insult of like, but I did sell a lot of tires. Like what? I, I was successful at my job. I'm employer of the month. Yeah, good work, lowman. No, but.

Yeah, nice. No, but he's, the whole thing is his experience is that he no longer sees himself as useful in the world and he is no longer an effective salesman. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, whatever. Arthur Miller.

No, but Arthur Miller did right. They have to be, I'm. Uh-huh. Now they would, they would ditch this. Zero, but he does lay the huge eggs that the tires come out of. Yep. And the, just the, the, the clearance that they get

on those is just out of this world. Yep. Out of his. Hey, can I take it from the real quick? Huge ass. Oh, sorry. Yeah, go ahead. No, no, Griffin, tell me more about the eggs

that come out of this human man. He's got a big butt and it, the eggs come out of them and then when they hatch, that's where they get the tires that they sell. So it's just pure profit. It's pure profit. Oh, I see. Okay.

No one else lays the tire eggs. No, that's true. So they have to, they have to keep Sean around. Another thing about Max Fundrive this year that I want to tell you all about, if you are already a member and you have maybe a friend or a loved one or a family member or something who would love all that bonus content,

love all those gifts, but they are not able to become a member. This year you can also gift donations to them. We're just so grateful to everybody who has supported us and everybody who not just gives financially, but listens to the shows, tells their friends about it, everything, like seeing people tweet about how much episodes mean to them

or that something cracked them up, like knowing that we are able to make people smile from time to time during really, really scary times, that means a lot to us. And knowing that it matters enough that, you know, if you can, you make the decision to support our shows means a lot to us. So thank you to everybody.

And thank you just for listening. So if you are not a member, or if you want to boost your membership, or if you want to give a membership to somebody else, you can go to maximumfun.org slash join and check out all the information there. When someone boosts your donation, can we call it hitting the NOS?

I think that's probably okay. Punch the NOS on your donation. Yeah, and punch the NOS on your Mb3 player as you listen to, it's a departure off the elbow, putting the days to bed by the long winters. Graciously, a lot of us use the song, thank you. And not going to make Max fun again. They've gotten their, their fill.

Their paddle flash. And we have a new graphic novel out this week. Is it this week? Yeah. Fuck. Anyway, go to theadventuresoncomic.com, it's real good. Oh, speaking of, we're doing a book event for the Adventures on Comic on the 17th.

It's going to be on our YouTube channel. We'll tweet all the updates and stuff on the McRoy family Twitter account, but it's going to be really fun. It's going to be great. So y'all want the final? Oh, yeah. Yeah, finally, Yahoo.

This one was sent in by hat trick. Graham Roebuck crushed it. Thank you, Graham. It's Yahoo answers user Josh, who asks, How do I get pickle smell off body quick? I'm going to read the next. My mom can't know I've been eating her pickles. She gets off work soon and she's going to smell them

unless I get it off. Tried shower, still stinks. Update, update. She knows. My name is Justin McRoy. That's Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. This has been my brother, my brother, me.

Kiss your dad's square on the lips. You wanted to say, hey, I won.