My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 521: Ah, The Soup Mess

Episode Date: August 3, 2020

It’s the final week of the MaxFunDrive, so we’ve pulled out all the stops! By which we mean, we talked about Olive Garden, again, for like twenty minutes.Suggested talking points: Old Bill, College Shirt, Toilet Book, Liquid Benefits, Olive Garden Hacks, Wine and CheeseBecome a MaxFun supporter: https://maximumfun.org/join

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother and me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. Oh sorry Griffin, I need you to go first. You should have frickin told me that man, coming with my pants down.

Let me see if I can even remember what to say because I need you to be my prompter. Okay, well how about this? I'm your middle-class brother, Travis McElroy. And I'm Griffin McElroy, the young, and I'm due Griffin. Oh, I didn't see you come in there. Sweep, sweep, sweep, sweep. I was just cleaning up after another maximum fun drive. Sweep, sweep, sweep. Trying to put all of our wonderful characters and costumes and grease paint back in the trunk for another year. Sweep, sweep, sweep. Hey, it's old Bill and he cleans up after us when we do the max fun drive. And old Bill, I gotta say we made a huge dirty mess this time, bud.

Yeah, there's a lot of unused dildo jokes around here. That's my fault. I have been stockpiling them thinking I'd get on a great run about dildos, and it never came. I actually, that is part of my, I bought a bunch of dildo jokes from extremestraints.com several years back, and I haven't had a chance to burn through them. Well, don't burn your dildos. That is bad for the environment. See, that's just one of the jokes you guys could have used this year. You didn't. You're leaving a lot on the table for this max fun drive. It looks like that extremestraints won't do a refund on these dildo jokes, but they will do store credit if we did want to do a bunch of lube jokes.

Something to keep in mind. You want to trade them in for lube jokes? Will they exchange one dildo joke and give us a sample of the lube jokes so we can get kind of an idea of what we're talking about? Yeah, it just says, here comes, here it comes. Slipper, careful around this, but careful around this, but it's slippery when wet. Careful around this. This is just Travis leaning back in. This one just says lube him. I barely know him. So that's good. That could be cool. Yeah, I have a huge contraption with various gears and cranks and turning things. It's very complicated and it's just for slamming my butt. It's called a lube Goldberg machine. Oh, that's nice. And that's great. Okay, yeah, this deal's going through, baby.

Hey, this is old Bill still. You guys want me to stick around? No, we're doing a different intro thing now, old Bill. Because I was cleaning up after it because this was the last week of the maximum fun drive. Sweet, sweet, sweet. And this is people's last chance to become a member here. At maximum fun HQ. Sweet, sweet, sweet. But just keep the lights on. Keep old Bill in, you know, I do a lot of collectibles. I have a lot of porcelain figures that I can't afford without your Maxfun membership. Sweep, sweep, sweep, mop, mop. Yeah, and that is Bill Maher, which is weird. That's so weird. I wouldn't expect that. That Bill Maher is the one who cleans up after. I don't do it for the money. I do it for the love, the love of the cleaning. Well,

you do do it kind of for the money, Bill. Well, for the porcelain figures, but I don't live off of porcelain figures. I mean, who would have been funnier there? If I'd said Bill de Blasio. Bill de Blasio? Billingfall. Should I give them like the Bill Nye, but that wouldn't explain the accent. No, I'm Bill Nye. Oh, Bill Nye, the cleaning guy. Do you think Bill Nye, people get him confused for Bill Nye saying his name in a cool way? Like here comes Bill Nye. So did you guys want me to stick around and get the web address? No, I don't want you to have been here in the first place, Bill Maher. I think your shit's reprehensible. I'm a different Bill Maher. Okay. I'm the one who loves cleaning. So this is the final episode of the Max Fun Drive.

Fortunately, we've probably gotten all the money from you that we're gonna get, because you're certainly not going to reward us after this. I would say bad introduction. I should also tell you, this is my two weeks notice. So this is old Bill's final episode too. You guys will have to clean up your own dildo jokes after this. You won't have old Bill to push around anymore. Sleep, sleep, sleep. I have a brief story to tell you. Okay. Is it about me? Bill Nye was a regular in a restaurant called Fiorello's on the Upper West Side back in 2015. Well, he was performing Skylight on Broadway. He went in one night and the staff said, hey, Mr. Nye, the other Bill Nye is in the back of the restaurant. I said, oh my God,

the pair met and had pictures taken. So were they friends or foes? There was no conflict. We were respectful of one another. I was slightly sniffy because my name is rare, but he doesn't know that. He was very gracious and we had a laugh and he'd had this conversation with people same as I had. So it was quite funny to finally be united. Okay, this story is great, but the person I want to celebrate is the person who worked the restaurant. He was like, oh my fuck. Oh my God. It's happening and I'm going to fucking do it. That's the weird thing. He's like, I'm going to go to Bill Nye. I'm going to go to fucking, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, what's his David Jones? David Jones. I'm going to go right up to David Jones and tell him that beloved

site is Bill Nye is in this restaurant too. He's going to love this shit. The moment I would love to be in the brain of that employee for is when Bill Nye walked in and knowing Bill Nye, he was a regular that like the, the air of possibility, it must have just crackled. Yes. Of just like, it's happening. It's all, just like the fortune teller said. Anyway, this is the final episode of the Max Fun Drive. Please, if you have not joined the network, if you do enjoy our show and the other stuff that we make and you want to support us in a very, very direct and meaningful way, you can go to maximumfund.org slash join and sign up to become a member. Find the monthly membership level that works for you. We know it is a strange time and an extremely bad time.

But we, so strange, almost didn't seem to cover it. Strange doesn't cover it at all, but we, we do need your support and your support has allowed us to grow over the last 10 years and turn this into our jobs and allow us to do all kinds of really fantastic stuff. And so, yeah, go, go check out the different levels. We will talk about them later on in the show. But once again, it's maximumfund.org slash join and this is the last week of the drive. So if you, if you have been thinking about doing it, don't wait. Let's get into questions. Let's like help. Yeah, for a change. Finally, sure. Finally, let's help someone. Let me just open the question. Yeah. Somebody travel. I don't know if you sent them. I might not have. Okay. Well, I mean, I'm looking at them.

The wheels have fallen off here. Let's go ahead and get those over on my desk. Pronto. I mean, I'm I've got them. Yeah, you've got them. But does that help me? Oh, you know, I guess I never really thought about it like that, Jamie. Let's have it, bud. Come on. I just sent it. You couldn't even put a subject in. Wow. No, I was rushing. You said Tossie. You can't see Tossie and then get mad at me for not putting us. Dear Justin, these are the questions. Love, Travis. What if I need to find them for my archives later? I come to you today and need a bit of advice. That was unnecessary. I sent applications to many of college. Many have sent back swag as stuff they like to call it. Travis, do you know what swag stands for?

Sweet, willy, agreed. Stuff we all get. Oh, yeah. As they like to call it. Most of it is garbage, but one college sent me the most exquisite shirt. It probably proclaims I'm a member of their class of 2024, which I am not. I've worn this shirt many a time at home as it is extremely comfortable. I wore it in public once where someone yelled from a six-feet distance, yo, mascot represent. They didn't say mascot obviously. I had to pretend I didn't hear him. What do I do if this happens again? That's for misrepresented alma mater in Maine. I had a shirt from Shepherd University, which I did a tour of when I was weighing my options that I only recently got rid of and I did wear a lot and did have a couple

times where people was like, oh, fuck yeah, Shepherd, I went there. What was your major? I'm like, my major was going to Marshall University, a very fine institution, and I'm sorry that I wore that shirt, but it makes my eyes pop. You know, but there's another four. I got a version of this where I did go to the University of Oklahoma and I would wear an OU sweatshirt and someone would say boomer sooner and then attempt to ask me about what I thought of current football team. I didn't go to OU. I just like this shirt. But I did. My thing is having people yell boomer sooner at me, just like that. That's the only way I could

feel alive. I mean, you got to know that this is a risk when you wear a free shirt. There's no such thing as a free shirt. I forget who said that. It's Abraham Lincoln. It was Abe Lincoln and that's why he was what we call the topless president. Even when someone tried to buy him a shirt or tried to sell him a shirt. He said nice fucking try. He said, you got to wake up a little bit earlier than that to get old Abe Lincoln. And then unfortunately, someone did wake up quite early. I don't think you should wear the shirt anymore if you're not ready to. If you don't have like an arrow in this quiver, you know what I mean? Especially since it says class of 2024. So it is not just like,

it doesn't just say like Marshall University. It says Marshall University class of 2024. Your shirt is a lie. It's a lie. It is weird though. It's a weird cold shot for this school, right? Well, I'm not going to come there. Well, we gave you the shirt. The shirt said you did come here. Your shirt said you're coming. I mean, listen, it says right here it's an exquisite shirt. Seems like this college is so confident in this shirt that they're like, once we send them the shirt, we got them. This is like when McDonald's sent me a shirt. I said, I ate 100 Big Macs today. And then I was like, oh, geez. I mean, I do want to wear the shirt, but oh, shit. Now it's like a prophecy. Now we're as final destination. There's no escaping this.

I'm going to eat 100 Big Big Big Macs today. Yeah, maybe you should just go to the college. Do you think about that? You should just freaking go and expand your horizons. Take some classes. Learn a new language. Experiment a little bit. They probably have other cool shirts. Oh, yeah. Experiment with yourself, with your body. With your body. With other people's bodies. With consent. Do not experiment on people without consent. But biohack your body. Yeah, biohack your body. See if you can make your butt glow like a firefly. Give yourself like an antenna. Oh, yeah. That's what college is for, is to put in antennas.

This show is I can't even zone out for 30 seconds and then snap back in and have any idea what the fuck you guys are talking about. You know what I mean? I feel like I should be able to check out every once in a while and check back in and be like, oh, I get the bit. I know what we're doing here, but like antennas and stuff. Just, you see, once my friend Bob told me that people were inventing this biohacking thing where I could inject myself with some sort of genome that made it so my muscles were engaged all the time and would give me super strength. Now, to Bob's credit, I don't know how much of that is what he actually said,

or how much of that is what I just heard. Hold on. But ever since I heard that, I've just thought about like, hey, can we hurry up and perfect that because that sounds really cool. So you're telling me like you go to the optometrist and they're like, oh, yeah, Travis, it looks like your eyes, they do need a slightly stronger prescription. It looks like your cones have deteriorated, but what you're hearing is like, yeah, we're going to give you super cool laser glasses that can only turn your eyes into x-ray and you're going to love it.

I am always disappointed when I get the eye tests and they do the lens things and I'm like, better like this or better like that. And I wanted to just keep getting better. Like, where's that glasses technology, right? Like, if you know how to fix my eyes to normal, just keep going. That's good. That's good. That's that. That's that. That's that Seinfeld shit. Here's a Yahoo! That was not a joke. I'm angry about this. I know, I know. Graham Robach sent this one. Thanks, Graham. It's from an anonymous Yahoo! Answers user who I'm going to call.

Lucius asks, I dropped my library book in the toilet and I need to return it by tomorrow. Yeah. After pulling it out of the toilet, most of the pages were wet. Can I still take the book back? If not, how can I dry it without damaging it even more? I don't know that there is a level of dryness that is ever going to make it not a toilet book. Like, you can, you can remove, you can desaturate the book, but you cannot de-toilet ate the book. It will always be a toilet book forever now. And here's the thing, folks, before you all jump to email us,

dear Justin Travis and Griffin, maybe it was a clean toilet. One, no such thing. No. Two, are you saying that this question asker was just standing over the toilet, not using it, just like that's where they had stopped randomly to read their book over an open toilet. I'm so glad Travis finally brought this up, because every episode we get these clean toilet people, like coming after us, because we talk about like, oh no, you dropped your phone in the toilet, it's done. Every fucking episode somebody, we get 50 emails like, oh toilets can be clean if you clean them. People listen at the toilet factory where they make the toilets,

somebody finishes screwing on the toilet seat and gives it one final spit shine, and then they look at it and they go, gross. Right? It's a toilet where people do the worst stuff we can do with our bodies. We do to these chairs. There is no cleaning them. When they raise the toilets in captivity, the elders tell them there is no better life for you, child. You must accept now you are a dookie machine. They don't aspire to anything better than that. This is what they assume they're made for, and that is unshakable. Like you can't, if you drop a book, if you drop a book in a toilet,

it's just come off the, come out of the store, it still has been raised to know that it accepts only excrement and pee pee. Now, now. There should be a fancy word for pee pee. I know, right? Well, here's the, the good news is this, that a book was already written that lets you know at what temperature books burn. So if you pop that book in the oven at 450, that's going to dry that out. 450 is going to get it done fast. You may even want to, I don't know how precise your oven is. Calibration is important, but you may even want to bump that down a few degrees.

No, no, no. If you're talking about how fast you can do it, 450, but Justin is right, you are going to want an accurate temperature in there because sometimes it could be plus or minus five degrees. Yeah. And then you're going to fucking call Ray Bradbury and be like, I have a complaint to register. Oh, he's not, he's Pat. Do you think old Ray Bradbury was like doing like some really in-depth testing with that? Or he's like, okay, 450, no, 452. Definitely. Let me see. There's gotta be.

Yeah. So here's the good news. You can look inside of the library book for that little card that I'm guessing is still in there that shows you how many times it's been checked out. Yeah. Let's say if your name is the third one on there, if you are at least the third person to have been loaned this book, it's been in a toilet at some point. In the toilet or around the toilet? I mean, I'm not so much of a prove that I think if it's in a bathroom somewhere that it's, it has been permanently befouled as it would if it had actually entered the commode like perimeter. But if you're the third person to get this book, odds are one of the first

two people did drop it in the loo. Now, one time I did leave a paperback copy of 1984 in the rain. Yeah. And it did dry. But when it dried, it was all wrinkly and crinkly, which I don't understand the chemical reaction that happened there. But it was pretty obvious that something dynamic had happened to this tome. So I don't know that you could, even if you dried it thoroughly, roll back up and be like, yeah, I finished it. It was a real page turner. Here you go. Yeah, that's a good point. There is no certain. I don't know what kind of book conditioner you need to rub all over these pages in order to get back there. I would like you to trust me with another book now, please.

It's weird how even if a book dries out after you get it wet, it still looks wild. Yeah. Isn't that weird? It's the books like, oh, finally, I can kind of stretch out a little bit. Oh, thank you so much. This is the real me. Uh, how about another question? Ah, Griff, I'd love that bud. What I'd love even more is if it had just happened organically, because I think we all felt the moment and I was about to just launch into it. Okay. So just kind of, okay, just a note. How about another question? I recently got a new water bottle that's big enough to hold

the recommended daily intake. That's not possible. You don't think you're going to have a 64 ounce water bottle? Nobody should be drinking 60. I scoff at 64 ounces before breakfast. Wait, dude, I'm putting away. I'm confused. I'm putting away 120 on the daily. That's okay. That's a lot. You know, if you look at that 64 ounces recommendation that doesn't take into account height, weight, activity, none of that stuff. And it's also antiquated. We need to be pounding water 24 hours a day. Okay. Not so much that you die. Lawyers. Sorry.

But what about when I'm asleep? Sorry. Lawyers. Not so much that you die. Asterisk. And Justin's not going to say, not to, Justin's not going to say, don't pee so you keep all that good water inside your body anymore, because he used to say stuff like that and we did get in a little spot of legal trouble. Yeah. You just, anyway, it's not, it's not possible. I have, I have a 20 ounce water bottle that I drink six to eight times every day. You need more water anyway. And you're a big strong boy.

I'm a huge man. That's not what I said. I recently got a new water bottle. It's big enough to hold the recommended daily intake, which we've established is a fabrication, but moving on. I've been filling it up at my work's water cooler with no issue. But as I was filling it up today, two people got in line behind me. One of my coworkers started talking about how we only have a limited number of water jugs for everyone to use. How should I just take one of the huge gallons back to my desk

and joke if I was going to replace the bottle when I was done? What's the etiquette here? Should I fill my bottle up at home instead? Should I step out of line if other people are behind me? I just want to stay hydrated. That's from professionally part. Your coworker is a fucking asshole. Yeah. I think a good tactic here is to sort of hoist up your leg and lift open the bottom of one of the pant legs and tell them to huff the farts right out of there. If that's the fucking energy and attitude they're going to bring to your doorstep.

Your job has so few binnies, right? Like, you get what? Maybe if you're lucky, insurance. Maybe like a parking space, right? Maybe even a company car. But water is a basic human building block. It's so shitty. These coworkers who are complaining are like, yeah, I mean, we've all signed on to work until our bodies die and will be kept at just sort of the poverty line the whole time. But too much of her while over there. Don't you think, Jeffy? No. Okay. I want to leap to the coworker's defense, which they don't list our podcast.

So I don't know why I'm doing this. But if this person does have, and we have to assume a 64 ounce bottle of water, because I feel like anything larger than that would be wild. I mean, I've maybe seen big gulps that are bigger. But very rare. This is a lot. I mean, this is a tankard. Okay. This is a big, big old, big old jug. If you just want to get up and enjoy a cup of water, and someone is like taking five minutes to fill their tankard,

I think that you're into like grocery rules, right? I have one thing. You have, you know, 50 things. I'll go ahead. You know, oh, you only have one thing. You go right ahead. Because I don't want to hold you up with my 100 things that I'm buying. I feel like if you're going to fill up a huge jug of water, and there's somebody behind you that just has one of those delicate little cones for no one, then you should let them have their delicate cone of water. Like they're a fucking hummingbird that knows shit about hydration.

Right. What I like to call the memory of a drink. Where it's just like, yes. Imagine if one of those paper cones probably holds six ounces of water, right? If, yes. If that, right? So your daily amount of hydration is 10 times. Oh, sorry. I'm reading now four ounces. Jeez. Yes. So that's basically not applicable.

I have to get a calculator out now to figure out. 16. Let's say we're working off 64. It's four ounces. That's 16 cups of water. Imagine if you were standing behind someone and they filled that cup up and pounded it 16 times. No, that'd be amazing. I'd watch that. It'd be amazing.

How about this? The next time that asshole co-worker is out there, because here's the thing, Justin, you're not wrong about the grocery rules. I do agree with you on that. If they had said, may I fill my cup real quick? That's not what I said though, is it? No. So here's what you do. Next time you see them getting up, you beeline over there and get in front of them.

And you have taken an empty water jug jug, and you're just going to transfer all the water left in the jug into your giant jug and then take your empty water jug back to your desk, leaving an empty water jug on the top. And then the juice is running. Yes. And then it's going to come at a premium. You've moved all the full jugs to your desk where you sit atop them in an HDLO throne.

And what will you do after you're fired that day? I mean, they can't fire you at that point. You're fucking a Morton Joe. You are the keeper of the water. The water flows when you say it does. I drink your bottled water. Just have a bed in my job. You're going to have time to work.

You're hoarding water. Right. It's the fucking, the fucking gall. Are you going to replace that? The fucking gall of it. We're all, no one wants to be here. It's water. Can you not just fucking chill?

Go to the sink. The sink water is fucking fine. I give you a 10 minute excuse not to work. You're welcome. We should be in the boss's office fucking tearing them limb from a limb for what they are doing for us. And then we are going to take this building hostage and dismantle the entire fucking economy brick by brick and nail by nail.

But you're in here like too much water, Dougie. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah. This is something that the ruling class has invented to keep the peasants occupied. It's not even counting deck chairs on the Titanic. It's like someone coughed in the Titanic while it was sinking. And another person was like, can you cover your mouth? How rude.

It's like somebody, it's like somebody fucking drop kicks you off of a lifeboat on a Titanic so all the riches can get on it and you accidentally bump into another poor on the way. And they're like, what's your fucking problem, man? You think there were, there had to be, I got to bet what you're describing with the coffin did happen at least one time on the right. Oh yeah. That would be so choice. Could you tell me a little bit about Max Fun Drive?

All right. Let's say that I love supporting the things that I love. And I'm already at maximumfund.org forward slash join. I'm ready to pledge some money to help keep these wonderful shows going. But I'm doing all the goodies in my heart, but guess what? I'm going to get some gifts in return. If I pledge $5 a month, I'm going to get over 200 hours of bonus content. Our amount of stuff there is wild.

There's commentary tracks for our TV show. We've had episodes where our wives do the show for us out of, which was one of my faves because it didn't require any work. And they're better at it than we are. And they are much better. And they're better at it than we are. Their advice is actually like worth taking, which is a big departure for us. If you can pledge $10 from others, many other shows with,

I mean, many dozens of other programs to enjoy. If you can pledge $10 a month, you can get all the Boko, as I hate saying. But you're also going to get one of 40 different enamel pins from your favorite MaxFun show. There's other gifts. $20 a month, there's a game pack with MaxFun dice and cards. But really what you're doing is you're pledging money to help keep the shows you love coming. Out of every pledge, a small portion of it goes to MaxFun. And then the rest is divided amongst the shows that you say you listen to when you sign up.

So it's a way of directly supporting these shows. That money goes to, well, for starters, it helps us like pay our bills and feed our kids and put clothes on their backs, which is so cool of you. Yep. But also like buy audio equipment and hosting and, you know, everything else. So we very, very, very much appreciate your support is the only way we are, I mean, literally this is not a line. It is the only reason we are able to do what we do.

Especially currently with the world as shitty as it is, like we can't go tour or do any sort of live stuff or anything like that. So, you know, we really are depending on you. So please, please, please, please, please, please. MaxFun.org forward slash join. This is the last time you're going to hear about it on our show, except for maybe a brief reminder at the end. If you've been waiting till the last moment, this is practically it, please.

MaxFun.org forward slash join. If you're already a member, we really appreciate you. You're the best. Thank you so, so, so much. And please, if you can find it in your heart and you're not already a member, please go ahead and join up. And we should just say, I mean, we're pitching this rate. This is the MaxFun time of year.

But if you're not able to, we also understand that. Man, it's uncertain out there. We were just talking about, like, we haven't been able to tour. We haven't been able to do stuff. We get it. It's tough out there for everybody. And if you're not able to, you can do things like share that MaxFun.org slash join link. You can use the hashtag MaxFunDrive.

You can share clips with people. You can retweet tweets about the show, anything like that. All that support matters to us too. We also have a thing this year called boosting. In the past, we have talked a lot about, like, upgrading your membership. And maybe you're not ready to move up to a new level this year, but you still want to give a little bit more to support the shows you love. You can do that by boosting, which allows you to incrementally increase

your membership without having to move up to the next level. It won't qualify you for the rewards other than the bonus content, because every member gets that. But it's a way to support a little bit more if you're looking to do that. Um, how about another Yahoo? What? Tell me how Yahoo answers. Yahoo, the website?

Yes. Does email, they do email, and they do answers. Those are their two services they provide. This is one of the latter. It was sent in by Emma Camp. Thank you, Emma. So, Yahoo answers. James, who asks, um, uh, how do I get the most out of my time at the Olive Garden?

Oh, boy. We talked a lot about sort of, like, maximizing, exploiting the Olive Garden economy is this constant source of conversation on this show. Uh, we've talked about, like, minimum age requirements for even entering the Olive Garden facility, uh, which is important. We've squared that away. This is more, listen, it's tough to get out to restaurants right now, isn't it?

And by tough, I mean morally indefensible, but also tough. So, when you're there, we know your family, but how can you really make each fucking moment matter? What's great about that question, Griffin, I'm so glad you brought it to the table. It's like, it is subjective in such a poignant way, right? Because one could argue pasta and bread are very filling, right? So, you can't just see a eat some pasta and bread sticks, right? Because then you're going to get full very quickly.

But also, counterpoint, you can't say just, like, eat some, like, lettuce and cherry tomatoes and get the most lettuce and cherry tomatoes you can. Because are you really getting the most out of your Olive Garden experience? Yeah, so wait, now this is interesting. Instead of coming to a compromise between those two ideas, we should measure which one is the best. But just to say the two extremes are you enter the Olive Garden and never eat and never leave. They won't kick you out as a fucking Olive Garden.

Yeah. You can just kind of ride your family. Your family, they can't, they cannot kick you out. You're their dad now. And you can just kind of chill and never eat and be there forever. And there you are making the most out of your time because you've given yourself infinite time. Right. The alternative to that is you walked into the Olive Garden and they shoot you in the

face with a spaghetti gun. And then you get what you get. You slam what you can slam. And you turn and you turn on your heels and walk right out the door. You have just... This is a lot like asking about life, Griffin, when you think about it. It's interesting that you say that. Yeah.

Should you live a timid life, but be in the Olive Garden for as long as you can. Right. Or lead an adventurous, aggressive life. Yeah. But only have a limited time in the Olive Garden. Okay. You guys are fucking wasting time. When you first show up, you're going to be waiting for a table.

Tell them while you're waiting, you can get half off wine. Okay. So that's one thing that you need to know right now. Oh. Okay. And I know that from my time as an employee. That's huge. Oh.

That's going to be maximizing your budget and also your time. Well, before you even do that, though, be saying the word, be shouting the word spaghetti as you walk in the door. As you are in the vestibule in the airlock from the front door to the door in. Be saying, spug it. Like ready to get it going. May I take it one step further? Please.

As you're driving there and request that a server meet you outside with the basket of breadsticks so you can be eating the breadsticks as you walk into the building. Good. Have them hang breadsticks from string from the ceiling that you can nibble on as you sprint at full speed to the table they've prepared for you. Maybe you open your car door to drive to the Olive Garden. What's that on your driver's seat basket of breadsticks? Hey, guys, I have stumbled on an article called Olive Garden hacks.

24 secrets straight from your server. Yes. Because I wanted to make sure that that half off line thing was legit. I'm worried from the journey I'm about to take you guys on. I'm worried we're not going to have time to do the rest of the podcast, but I'm just going to, we're just going to, I'm going to hit. Now we do have some money zones. So we go ahead and do the money zone.

There's 24 secrets here. We got to cancel the ads. Yeah, we may not have time for the ads. Okay. Okay. There are some that are less wild, right? Split your meal with your partner in order to use two coupons at once. Okay.

That's a little annoying, but sure. Here's the first one. Never pay full price for your kids to eat at Olive Garden. About once every two months, two to three months, Olive Garden runs week-long promotions where kids can eat for only $1. Unless you just got to have those breadsticks now, I recommend waiting for these promotions. Can you imagine staring your kids straight in the fucking face and be like,

they're like, Mommy, could we go to Olive Garden? Like, well, when you cost a dollar, we can. Absolutely not. We're just going to keep aspiring to it. Don't buy the wine, bring your own cheaper bottle instead. What? And you bring your own wine to Olive Garden, they're going to charge you a $7 corkage fee.

That's insane. Okay. That's unbelievable that that structure is in place. For that to work, then that means that whatever bottle of wine you bring has to be at least $7 and one cent cheaper than what you were. Like, you can't. You won't know. Okay.

Now, almost certainly yes. The markup there has to be, you probably will be saving. Just the idea of being at Olive Garden and you reach into your giant cargo short pants and pull out from the cargo shorts, the pocket, a bottle of wine. I'll be paying a corkage fee for this wine I brought. Get this, you can sample up to three wines for free. The sample pour is three ounces. That can't be right.

That's nine ounces of the good stuff. That can't be right. This is number 12 on this list. Employees get 50% off meals after their shift. This is one of the highest employee discounts I've seen. Considering a career in the restaurant industry and you love pasta, you're all set. That's not a tip. That's not so much a hack, really.

That's not a tip. That's a pivot of your life. Hey honey, you want to go to the Olive Garden tonight? Give me a second to fill out this employment form online. Let me call my boss at the hospital to tell him I'm quitting being doctor. This person must have sold the article as 24 tips and then started to get really desperate because number 16 is ask your server to box up half your meal when they serve it to you. Voila, two meals.

What? No. Not at all in any way, shape, or form. Is that the trick? And I was at an Olive Garden hack. And not at just sort of like, yeah. That's a life hack. Hey, when you bring me the meal, box up half of it before you bring it to the table.

Someone's been doing their research. Yeah, you heard that you can get two meals for the sprites of one that way. Daddy, I'm doing my math homework. What's 16 divided by 2? Oh, you mean like at Olive Garden? OK, this is good. Is order half and half soup. If you can't decide which soup you want.

Olive Garden has four different kinds of soup. You guys know I'm saying with me. Minestrone, chicken, Yoki, Zuppa, Toscana, Pasta, Efregioli. How do you decide? You mix and match. Huh. Ask your server to mix the Zuppa, Toscana soup and the chicken, Yoki together or enjoy the pasta Efregioli with the veggie heavy minestrone for less calories.

So basically you're here to be a soup lunatic. It just says, hey, I'm sure you worked on these recipes or whatever. But just go ahead and dump them all in one bag for me. And if you could bring a straw with that, I'd appreciate it. I just wanted to check and see if you guys were ready to order. Yes. Could you ruin some soup for me? Of course, of course.

You know what? How about just give me one fifth a portion of all five mixed together? Yes, of course. Yes, the soup mess, as we call it. Ask for an Italian soda, even though it's not on the menu. So it's not on the menu more. But you can order an Italian soda with the flavors from the Olive Garden lattes. I think that if you ordered an Italian soda from the server at Olive Garden,

they would stare at you blankly and then lie on the ground until you left. All of these tips do seem to assume a certain level of engagement from the Olive Garden employee that they wouldn't just say like, no. And the last tip here is buy Olive Garden dressing in grocery stores. So I guess maybe you could bring your own bottle of dressing and just pay the corkage on that like, oh no, I brought my own. Thank you. Now we, that's why we really, we really should go to the money's end though.

All right, let's go. Come on. Neonbees. What more needs to be said? They're comfortable. Well, the ad has a lot of more. Okay. Now I was doing, I was trying to do like a prestigey thing.

What more needs to be said? They're comfortable. But they also want you to be comfortable expressing yourself because they've dedicated. Okay. Do you remember what I said? Let's try and get through these fast and now you're doing it like some sort of like damaged magician robe. I was trying to do it like it was like an apple like present.

Okay. Neonbees. You sound like a broken clockwork man. Please do it faster. Neonbees is dedicated to making the world sought to Sundays in classic colors, but also fun prints like dinosaurs and surfboards. I have ones that have slices of pizza on it that I really, really enjoy. Every time I put it on makes me feel like a real tubular dude.

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Put your legs in some trees. Hey, we are supported in part by Squarespace this week. They're the website ones. They're the ones that they give you the tools that you need to showcase your work, sell products and services of all kinds, promote your physical or online business. It also says dot, dot, dot and more, which I've never really read as suggestive, but now it's the only way I can kind of read it. And they got the beautiful customizable templates created by world-class designers.

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So go to squarespace.com slash my brother for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code my brother, all one word to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Okay. Oh boy. Celebrity wine, wine not. Celebrity wine, wine. This is the mashup.

Holy shit. Celebrity wine, wine squad. Welcome to Celebrity Wine, Wine Munch Squad. It's a podcast within a podcast within a podcast that profiles the latest and greatest in brand eating and wine. This is not a celebrity wine per se, but it is where the worlds of wine and the world of Munch Squad meet. So this is extremely exciting for me to finally get these two great brands together.

And it's funny that I'm bringing two great brands together because I'll thank you to Chris before I move on for sending this along. The pack is back. Cheese it, white cheddar, and refreshing house wine. Rosé, combine for two a year, two toast. Just in wine, just in time. Sorry, unintentional pun. Just in time for National Wine and Cheese Day.

Cheese it and house wine, which are neither, offer the perfect summer pairing. The FOMO inducing cheese it and wine box that had everyone buzzing last year is back. What? Wait. So remember when everyone was buzzing a year ago about this? But more than that, the implication being that I might see perhaps some sort of influencer on Instagram enjoying this cheese it and wine box combination. And I would be like, oh God, I'm so afraid I'm missing out. Yes.

This year's limited edition offers a brand new summer ready combination. Cheese it, white cheddar, and house wine, Rosé. Why do they continue to put the white cheddar after cheese it? I don't know. That's very irritating. Made with 100% real cheese. Cheese it, white cracker. House wine.

House wine. I mean, who had ever said real cheese? Cheese it, white cheddar, cracker. I don't know, man. We keep squeezing the cheese and this incredible rosé keeps squishing out of it. Your guess is as good as mine, dude, but don't stop the cash cow. That's some slippery language made with 100% real cheese. All that is guaranteeing you is a single molecule of cheese at some point in the process.

White cheddar crackers pair perfectly with the crisp, refreshing flavor of house wine, all in one convenient package. If your idea of convenience is carrying around a sloshy box of crackers from your kitchen to your living room. And also definitely uneven weight, right? There's no way. Oh, for sure. For sure.

The wine slide must be heavier than the cheese at side. Yeah. It's like an adult box of nerds. No secret. It's no secret that Rosé is the ideal beverage for peak of summer. That's true. Rosé used to be so we're looked down upon, but there's a lot of great rosés. Are you saying it right?

And I've been saying it wrong all my life. How have you been saying it, Travis? Rosé. Pink. But you're saying it like rosé. It doesn't matter. Everyone's favorite summer drink. The tasty combo is perfect for socially distant happy hour.

Hey, Puss. Imagine there's a socially distant party where the only concessions available are a single box of cheese at a wine. But which, by the way, is distributed to a spigot on the front of the box, which I would argue makes it the least perfect beverage to have at your socially distant happy hour. Now, I will say, just as far as like getting it across the room, my friends and I did used to play space bag in college where we would take the

bag out of the box of wine and hurl it across the room in each other yelling space bag. And if you got hit by hit, you had to drink. But if you caught it, the other person had to drink. Yeah, that's space bag. We know space bag. Yeah, so you could get it across the room easily without having to get in within six feet of each other.

But as Justin has indicated, there is a point in all space bag games where you have to put your mouth on it and that ain't going to get the Fauci seal of approving. No, no. The tasty combo is perfect for a socially distant happy hour, a virtual book club or a cozy night on the couch. You know, we all contain multitudes for sure, but I'm not sure there's a huge demographic that loves

books almost as much as they love chugging down dirty crackers with rotten strawberry water or a cozy night on the couch watching reality TV with a few friends. We're actually not doing that anymore. Yeah, that's not. Crackers. I don't know if you all actually heard that that's not actually what we're doing anymore. And this is definitely, someone was writing this copy and they could think of two things and they're like, and, you know, when everything reverts back to the way it was.

You know, these are for dirtbags, too, that don't give a shit about people. Enjoy our thing. And this is, it could be enjoyed while yelling at people in the supermarket. Following the success of our first edition of Cheez-It and LINE, which sold out in minutes. What? We knew we had to bring the partnership back this summer with a new flavor pairing, said Jeff Delona, Senior Director of Marketing for Cheez-It. Was it sold online?

How would that? Yeah, it's just online only. White Cheddar is a longstanding favorite of Cheez-It fans. And what better match than light, refreshing rosé? Not only does it perfectly compliment the cheesy goodness, it's also the unofficial wine of summer. You could just call it the official wine of summer. I don't think summer is going to fucking suit you.

Limited edition Cheez-It and White Cheddar and House Wine Rosé will be available online for $29.99 at Original House Wine. Oh no. Here's the com beginning at 2 p.m. Eastern on July 23rd. Don't worry, it's already sold out. Oh, okay. Cool. I was worried because I knew I would have to look deep into my soul

and like decide if I was going to buy it or not. And I'm glad that they have saved me that level of introspection. Well, Travis, great news. I have found listings for a box of House Wine Rosé and a big box of Cheez-It's White Cheddar and a listing for Super Glue. Huh, okay. So you can kind of just do your own thing. And I would argue that mine has double cardboard in there

to protect from fluid cracker contamination. Yeah, but Gryffin, if I do it myself, that's nothing. There's, I'm on the website where you go to order it. And I just got really sad for a second. Okay, I missed it, of course. And they say our Cheez-It and House Wine pairing boxes are sold out. But don't worry, we wouldn't leave you hanging. Click below to learn more about this collaboration

and see our favorite House Wine and Cheez-It cracker pairings so you can recreate it at home. Oh no. And I just feel like the idea, the fact that they, they didn't think that I could think of how to buy Cheez-It's at home myself. That I, a human person would go to the store and be like, well, they're in different aisles. I mean, the law's the law.

I can't, I can't recreate this at home. Help me, help me brands. Fix this for me. It is also as if the emperor was the one who's like, look at my new clothes. And also I'm naked because like you've just said, like, we didn't, we just charged you money as Gryffin put it to glue two things together, you dummies.

You could do this. You didn't need us to do it. The magic was in you all along. I should point out that the regular box of wine from them costs $21.99. This box, this partnership when it was available costs $30. So you are also buying a $9 box of Cheez-It's, which is airplane. They're white cheddar Cheez-It's.

So to be fair, yeah, that is absolutely true, Gryffin. Absolutely true. My advice to these two companies, make more. Make more of them. They keep selling out instantly. If you like the money parts, just go ahead and make more of them. Some, a lot more. Some human being who already thought that they were pretty eroded inside

saw how quickly it sold out and thought, should I have charged more for this? I, yeah, I already thought I was kind of pushing it with that $30 price tag, but could I have been more of a dirtbag about this? I feel like I should have charged more. I already thought I was, you know, charging a lot of money for Cheez-It's, but people seem to really want to spend this kind of money on Cheez-It's. Am I helping people?

Wait a minute. Am I a hero? Um, similar, the, the, the press release continues undaunted. Similar to the many varieties of Cheez-It, our wines run the full spectrum of flavor, said Hal Landvoit, wine maker for House Wine. We've seen Rosé skyrocket in popularity over the past few years. Apparently skyrockets so much that we've had to duct tape into a box of Cheez-It's, especially during the warm summer season for the second year of this partnership.

We knew the pairing had to feature Rosé as the perfect complement to the real cheese flavor in Cheez-It's white cheddar. Okay. House Wine is the recipient of several Best Buy accolades, which I'm assuming is Frank from Lost Perfinition at my local Best Buy. You're going to love this stuff. Cheez-It and wine in one box from leading industry publications, such as Wine Spectator and Wine Enthusiast,

which I'm assuming was in no way a joke. For additional details on this partnership, be sure to visit cheez-it.com and originalhousewine.com. Hey, welcome back for this is year three of the Cheez-It House Wine Collabo. This year, uh, bold step, we just removed the divider. So now it's just wine and Cheez-It's sloshing around in there, and we're charging $140 for it. Oh, it's sold out.

It's gone. We also just throw a random fucking Funko Pop in there. It's just a sloppy, soupy surprise box. Can you imagine? There is a pairing guide on here on their website how you can cheese it and cheers it. Uh-huh. And they, of course, have white cheddar and rosé.

They have extra cheesy and pina grigio. They have extra toasty and the sauvignon blanc. They have original plus a nice red blend. There's cheddar jack plus Cabernet sauvignon. And then there's, uh, Malbec and Cheez-It Groove's zesty cheddar ranch. Makes sense. And I just hope that somewhere in this world, there was a 70-year-old Argentinian man looking out over his, uh, Malbec and thinking,

I just hope one day that my family's vineyard, which has been in our family for generations, and we've been fermenting this wine. And I hope one day the Malbec we make can be used to wash down Cheez-It Groove's zesty cheddar ranch. That is my fondest hope. This is what my grandpa imagined when he, uh, planted this vineyard. My grandpa, who is buried in this vineyard, who's very life forces. My, my grandpa, who is part of the terror of, of this, uh, this wine that we make

can finally be used to wash down Cheez-It Groove's zesty cheddar ranch. So anyway, that's the end of the show. Hey, thanks so much for listening. Last plug, maximumfund.org, for its last join. Please, please, please, please, please, you like our podcast, right? Please, this is the last time. Come on, maximumfund.org, for its last join. Come on.

What do you got to lose except $5 a month? Thank you to John and Roderick and the Long Winters Fuse for a theme song instead of part drop, the album putting the days to bed. And that's all I'm going to say about that. Wow. There it is. We have a podcast book coming out. We wrote a book about how to make a podcast that you are proud of and enjoy making.

It's called Everybody Has a Podcast Except You. We haven't talked about this. That's weird. That's weird, huh? It's very unlike us. If you want to pre-order it, you can go to macroipodcastbook.com to how to guide. And it's, listen, it's kind of funny, but mostly it's going to help you make a good podcast. How did we wrestle that URL away from whoever was squatting on it?

I know. Macroipodcastbook.com. You can pre-order it now. It comes out in January. Don't wait. Well, well, there you go. Nope, that's it. So we're going to end the show now with a final yahoo.

This one is sent in by... Sweep, sweep, sweep. Yep. All done now. This one is sent in by the prospector, Merit Palmer. Thank you, Merit. It's yahoo answers user. They're anonymous.

I'm going to call them. Jerm asks, If I get blood all over my tax return form, will they audit me? I don't feel like starting over. My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, me, kiss your dad.

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