My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 525: Problems Related to Me Falling Down the Stairs

Episode Date: September 1, 2020

This is a big one! Partially because we ask for aid from our Trolls co-star Ron Funches for a question, but also because Justin confesses to fraud, we think? We’re not lawyers, but it sure smells fraudulent.Suggested talking points: Endless PSL Perfection, Pet Friends on the Road, Sensual Chess, Hairy Adidas Legs Pants, Justin’s Little Lie, Kitty Kisses (feat. Ron Funches)Find tickets for Ron Funches’ special ‘Awakening’: https://ronfunches.com/shows/Ways to support Black Lives Matter and find anti-racism resources: https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/Donate to the Milwaukee Freedom Fund in support of the protesters in Kenosha: https://supportwomenshealth.salsalabs.org/mkefreedomfund/index.htmlSupport the California Wildfire Relief Fund: https://www.calfund.org/wildfire-relief-fund/Register to vote: https://vote.gov/

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome, my brother, my brother, me and advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy. It's time. That's right. The fall is here. The fall has fallen. The fall has fallen. I have an exciting

munch squad episode right here at the beginning of the show that I feel like apropos. I would love to set the tone if I could, if I could invite you guys in. Please. Yes, please. Okay, come with me. Okay. Let's just step behind this curtain here. Now, I am going to make a quick call on my phone. Now, who am I going to be calling you? Ask well. Hello, this is David. Oh, Travis was doing some fully work. I thought it'd be fun if I could do fully work too, but I didn't really know where to put it. Okay. Hello, this is David. Hi, David. What's your role here? I'm a vampire. Oh, that's a fun choice. I don't know what we're fucking doing. Wait, hold on. We'll get back to the justice thing in a second, but let's

go with this. I'm an autumn vampire. Halloween's just around the corner. Starbucks has declared that fall has begun and the pumpkin spice latte is returning according to Curious R Magazine, a magazine for the quick service restaurant industry. And I did want to just set the tone because I'm so excited to say that it's back, like it came back two days ago as we're recording this, but like as you're listening to it, it came out August 25th. So, Starbucks is like, hey, listen, we can't do a lot, but maybe this. Does this do anything? Like, is this anything? This is sort of like the one GIF of Donald Glover walking into the room with pizza from Community, remember? And the whole place is on fire and he turns the ground, walk

away. Love that GIF. Love that GIF. Except he's holding huge cups of pumpkin spice latte and he does attempt to up in the cups onto the fire to see if it does anything. All right, maybe this does something. Hey, can I also just say like this year, I, and maybe Justin Griffin will go along with me on this, I would like to play some moratorium on making jokes about like, oh, pumpkin spice latte is in everything because I think pumpkin spice is the least of our worries this year. Bigger fish. Bigger fish. Bigger fish. Bigger fish. Bigger fish. Starbucks has made this like even more exciting. I mean, this fall with the fall hotline 1-833-GET-FALL. Get fucked. I don't know what to expect, but I'm calling right now. Oh, and we'll just all sort of

experience this together and see what happens. Hey, there are all you hay riders, leaf breakers, and pumpkin spice lovers. If you're coming here to spice up your leaf life and you have definitely come to the right place, don't want to head out on a hayride. Tell you to practice your pumpkin mantra. Now three to cozy up with your cup. Now four to hear flannel on repeat. Pick pick five to venture to the pumpkin cream cold brew falls. Where are we going? Now six endless PSL perfection. Now seven to go in a lovely leaf crunching stroll. Valate the knit sweaters with grandpa. Fuck it's so many. And if you get lost, just down nine to be directed back to the main menu. Seven.

Close your eyes while your mind walks through a forest of fall fields. Ooh, ooh, this is nice. Can I get some more treble in the mix, Starbucks? Oh, God, being out here reminds me of what life is all about. Finding laughter, love and leave. Also, I need to borrow like a thousand dollars. I promise you I'll pay you back. Can you imagine I have an opportunity for free money? Hey, quack if you love pumpkin spice. Don't give the ducks pumpkin spice, please. It will make them very sick. He's feeding it to the ducks. Let's go on a hayride. Oh, this is one round trip around the pumpkin patch coming right up.

Take me. Oh, no, Tommy fell under the wheel. He's dead. We got to go back. Lucky banjo and this is your hayback. They can't play a banjo. Tommy's dead. He's dead, man. Hold on. That does sound. That sounds great. Oh, wait. You want to hear the one about fucking your cup? I'll start the fire. What? Wait, is this the cup's voice talking? I'm burning your house down around.

You better get to a Starbucks quick. It's the only safe place. This is for the insurance money. It's what you were hinting at, right? We both agreed. I'd kill your mom. You kill my dad. It is wrong to wear fuzzy socks with footy pajamas. I don't want to be right. Wait, what about the fire? What? The fire is happening. The fire is happening. Also, why would you wear footy pajamas and fuzzy socks? Yeah.

For me is my bestie, the six, for endless PSL perfection. Happy pumpkin season, Joey. Oh, good autumn, Alex. I'll take a grande PSL. No, wait. A venti PSL, please. Oh, Susan, you're here. I wasn't expecting to see you. What's that in the back behind the counter? Is that Tommy's ghost? When the leaves start falling, the PSL start calling. He liked that. He liked that one. More whip, please.

Can you do that? You've had enough whips, sir. Hey, I'll tell you what. More whip. No, more whip. He's just blowing the foam off into the guy's face. More whip. Again. You work for me, Jerry. No, my name's not Jerry. It's Tommy. Floats off into PSL ghost.

So anyway, there is a cult about pumpkin spice lattes that Starbucks has been fostering for years. That's fun. Rush into a Starbucks, fill that place, fill it up with warm bodies, and get that as close as you can pack them. Close as you can pack them. To the window, to the wall, till the leaves all start to fall. It's pumpkin spice latte season. So welcome to fall. The autumnal energy is strong here on this episode. It's 104 Fahrenheit degrees outside, still doing summer here, looking forward to the PSL.

You know what I call that? Hot fall. Hot fall. There's hot fall, there's cold fall, there's green fall, and there's fall fall. That's it. Hey, are you guys, I don't want to keep distracting. This is an advice show. We will get to the advice. It's kind of a weird time. Things are weird. I just want this to be a weird show. Shit sucks. It feels appropriately weird.

Are you guys getting a lot of weird political texts from people who supposedly are sort of on your team? Fucking pretty wild. Let's talk about this. I know you got one and yours tops mine, so I want to just share mine first. Literally as we started recording, I got this text with just 12 hours to go. Joe Biden is rapidly dropping in the polls. Undecided voters love Trump's convention and no one is donating to our texts. That's the fundraising pitch. First off, what happens in 12 hours?

Are we re-voting in 12 hours? That's very unnerving. It's voting. When the leaves start to fall, you have 24 hours to vote for the American president. Now, I receive a text. James Carville here. As a lifelong Cajun, I've seen them all. This is a text in which James Carville is telling me who to vote for in the Louisiana election. I am uncertain why I'm on this list and how I might use this information. Have you got any fun texts? All mine are porny. I just get weird porny texts.

And I get the weird porny texts to me and a bunch of other 304 numbers. And there's always somebody in the 304 numbers that's like, what's your fucking problem? I'm going to come fucking somebody else in it and be like, do you want to see my wet butt? And then some random huntingtonian will be like, I'm going to fucking kill you in my car. When that happens to me, it's 20 West Virginians,

20 rowdy West Virginians that they've gathered into one text thread who are not pleased. So this is a thread of people. Each one of the texts I'm about to read you is from a different phone number. So we all get the spam text and then someone texts picture of a stop sign. Stop. Next person. No kidding. Next person.

Stop. Next person. Stop. And then they've included the email address of the person that sent out the initial text. By person, of course, I mean robot who is not reading this. Next person. All caps. Stop.

Right after that. Quick texting me, asshole. I'm getting same text messages from a third party. It's called spam. Just delete the damn things. Next person. It's not me. I'm trying to get this mess off my phone.

Next person. Trying to get these guys off my phone. I am not texting you. They're saying this in a text message to the entire group. Last person. Okay. And then they were done. And then everyone got the memo.

Do you guys ever get these? I get them sometimes where it's like, hey, it's dad. I left my medication at your house. Please call me. Please. I need that medication so bad. And it's using dad's phone number.

Dad's phone number. Yeah. Someone got hacked. Yeah. And I'm like, bam. And he's like, no, please. I need this. I'm having my dark cravings again.

Please. Daddy likes his medicine. Can we do a question? My cat, who I assume was lost forever three years, has reappeared in my neighbor's window. The perfect crime. I don't want to take her back, but I do want to visit her as she acknowledges my presence through the clear window.

Problem is, I'm very socially awkward. And I don't know what to say to my elderly woman neighbor in order to visit my courageous Calico kitty. Thank you for the deliberation. It's very much appreciated. Brothers, how do I visit my cat at my neighbor's house? That's from Kitty Conundrum in the Keystone State. What's wild about this is that the middle road

that you're attempting to find here is the wildest option. The two options you have are nothing or full-blown Liam Neeson, smash in the front door, grab the cat, smoke bomb, repel out the window, like, this is my fucking cat. The commuter. What's that? The commuter?

Huh. So there's a movie called The Commuter starring Liam Neeson. Yeah, but that's not. What happens in it? And I change that to the commuter. What happens in the movie? So he steals his cat. It's his neighbor and he has to get it.

Why wouldn't they just call that movie The Commuter then? Can't say it's trademarked by me just now. But this is after the movie came out. Love, actually. Now that's a movie part. Now that's a feel. No, but you would call it my cat, actually, because you would say that's my cat, actually.

My cat, actually. Walking into this house and being like, hey, what's up? You stole my cat. Can I pet it? Is fucking out of this world. Or so it's the hardest possible one, right? Because there's not a decent human being on earth who,

I mean, one of two things will happen, right? If you say, hey, that's my cat, then the neighbor, who is also a person with their own thoughts and feelings, will say, well, you should take this cat back. I don't want to be a cat thief. That sucks. Or I've been watching this cat for two. You need to go home.

This cat and you don't live together anymore. They don't know who you are. There is no middle ground where they're like, joint custody, maybe? May we share the cat? Nights or weekends? Counterpoint. Okay, you ready for this?

Mianerpoint. Mianerpoint. Yes, hello. Hi, I wanted to visit Cinnamon. Is Cinnamon home? Excuse me? Cinnamon, the cat. Used to live with me.

Now lives with you. Totally cool. I just wanted to check in and see how Cinnamon's doing. I can tell you're having trouble hearing me. Let me remove my face mask and get even closer to you. Okay, go ahead. I'm here to visit the cat. I'm willing to do it here on the porch

if you don't want me to come in your home. Can you pretend there's something that the cat left at your house that it is probably missing? I know you have- Like his dead mouse. Mr. Cinnamon here, he left his vape pin at our house. If you will please take it back just so he has

his chunky ADP that he craves. And don't forget, he likes his food warmed up. Can you not just open the front door and crack a can of star-kissed and just wait? The cat will find a way. The cat's gonna get out there. That's a good point I mean to open the door. Just open a star-kissed outside.

What if the reason you finally after all this time saw your cat in the window is your cat was trying to signal you that it needs rescued? Like this is the first time the cat was able to get your attention as I get me out of here. This lady thinks that I am her son. Please. Cats do have this one unique ability.

If you open the star-kissed can near an open window, they could actually float out on the waves. On the stinking waves. Yeah, I've heard that. I've seen that happen to that. And they come and go, If it makes you feel any better, the cat does not remember you.

No. If that lessens the burden in any way, this cat does not remember you. Dog would, yes. Absolutely. I've seen those videos of hero soldiers. The dog would. Okay.

Yeah. The cat. Noop. Does not care. You ever see one of those videos of the cat? Absolutely not. I think we've talked about this before, but it's the most unbelievable part of the incredible journey.

Was it called with the two dogs and the one cat? That the two dogs that cross- Homeward bound? Homeward bound, thank you. The incredible animals journeys. Yes. Where the two dogs, yeah, I believe that. Two dogs, they would like jump over the Grand King.

The fact that the cat's like, I'm also going to go with you two dogs? No way. I think it was called pet friends on the road. I think it was just called rambling pets. Hey, can I do a yahoo? Yeah, please. This yahoo was sent in by, this is an interesting,

this is an interesting one. And I'm really just going to, it was sent in by Emma, can't thank you Emma. It's, and I'm just going to ask it. And then I'm going to go one, two, three, and then everybody say their answer. And we're not going to do anything else on it. I'm just really like, I saw this and I was like,

this isn't a good question. It was just an interesting sort of like Myers-Briggs personality test. So I'm going to ask it. It was from a yahoo answers user, Frost, or perhaps Fraze, who asks. And again, I'm going to ask it. And then one, two, three, and say it.

And don't make it, don't be funny. Don't do your usual joke bullshit. Like let's pretend like we have a bit of respect for this podcast. And it's like, Griffin, I have never once been funny on this show. Good. Fraze asks, which chess piece is the sexiest?

One, two, three, Bishop's. Rook. Okay. We all said different shit. I thought for sure we'd all say Bishop's. Well, the Rook is the least sexiest, Justin. I'm sorry. Well, it's got like a bunch of different.

It's got the closest to a hand. Fair. I didn't even think of that. Okay. Well, now, now, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Yeah. We have not established criteria. I said we weren't going to, I said we weren't going to.

I know I'm sorry, Griffin, but I was thinking about it in terms of sexiest to look at. Night, the idea is sexy. Travis wasn't even thinking about finishing. Yeah. I was thinking about like if I was working in an office and it was like a break time and I looked out the window and I saw this chess piece crack and open a cold diet Coke

whilst working on the construction site across the way. Which one would I most enjoy? I don't want you. Would I most enjoy looking at the night? All right. You're just going to keep it at a distance, a romantic dalliance for your daydream. Listen, I'm saying that maybe this is a aspiration

or maybe it's just perhaps if you will fuel for the fire back home. I am not looking for an entanglement with this chess piece, but I like the idea of a night and I think it's a sexy course. I don't. Maybe this isn't the fucking PC thing to say, but I'd rather get to know the chess piece's mind. Because that's what's sexy to me. Neither one of us went for power though.

None of us went for like queen or king. We know our place. Yeah, like we know where we pull. But all of us rose above pawn. No one said pawn. Well, no, we're better than that. All right, there's lots of those. I'm just saying if I could have all the pawns,

then we may be into something of a situation. Now, Griffin, you said bishop. Does the religious aspect not scare you off there at all? Well, that's not what I was thinking about, Travis. But I don't know. Again, when I said we're not going to talk about it, it's because I didn't really want to get into it and I thought that you guys would share my feelings.

Hey, Griffin, can I say one word and you tell me if I nailed it? Yeah. Curvature. I'm going to try one slot. Here's another yahoo. No, Griffin, who was right? I mean, depending on how you look at the bishop, I look like a peepee or a joke.

This yahoo is sent in by Johannes. Johannes, thank you. It's from yahoo answers user Christopher who asks, If Adidas started selling t-shirts with photos of your face on them, how would you react? Confused it for if I'm being honest, why was I chosen to represent any sport? Confusion wouldn't even be,

well, first of all, you wouldn't be representing a sport, right? Like it wouldn't have you and then like, you know, the New England Patriots logo, probably. No, I'm not saying a team. I'm saying that Adidas, as you have said, is a sporting goods company, are they not? Yeah, but that doesn't mean that you represent sports. It just means Adidas thought that your face would be cool to put on a t-shirt.

I think confusion would be the first reaction from most of us, and then it would continue to be the reaction for a while. I want to know what goes deeper than that. Can I be honest Griffin, deeper confusion, because at first I would be confused why Adidas has chosen me, but then I would start to think, how did Adidas get this photo? Who within the Adidas corporation was like, I guess looking on perhaps Instagram or my Facebook?

Yeah, it's your Facebook profile photo, and then you get upset about it and fucking Zuck is like this allowed. You put it on Facebook. It's fine now. It's fine now, and I gave it to Adidas. They were scrolling by and they would have just thought this is aesthetically pleasing enough that it will sell t-shirts. Then I guess maybe Flattered might be.

Do you think that's buried in the TOS somewhere when you're on Facebook? Like Zuck's just like, hey, Zuck, I hope you're not reading this legal stuff because I'm going to sell your shit to Adidas. Oh yeah. All day I dream about screwing you over. You know what I mean? It would be like, and then I'll be out on the street and I'll see somebody walking.

I'll be like, man, their shoes look like my bare feet. And then it turns out Adidas has gotten my feet on Facebook. That explains why they have made those pants that look like my naked bunny from the waist down. Weird nudes eggs. Yeah, it's your beepers and button. Everything is on these new Adidas track pants. It's your beepers and butt, your hairy legs, my feet,

and Justin's face is like the whole torso. Now, here's what I imagine happens. I go to Adidas and I say, hey, what the fuck? And then they say, well, turns out your body is perfectly aerodynamic. Your body is the most, you are like a blade moving through the wind. And so now every sporter wants their body shaped like your body. And I'll say, can I have some money, please? And they'll say, you don't own your body.

God owns your body. God owns your body. And also, that explains why all the new Formula One races we've been seeing lately are just big paper mache Travis heads. Yep. Yeah. Just zooming around the track so fast. Perfectly perfect.

Nature's Arrow. Nature's Arrow, Travis's face, which makes it all the more upsetting when there's a big accident on the field, because that's my brother's head, just going all topsy-turvy. But it also explains why they've put those amplifiers in the mouth that are the cars that are just screaming as they go around. So the first thing I'm going to say is, it's very scary.

And Travis, you said the first thing you do is, and I quote, and Justin, back me up on this, you go to Adidas. Tell me what that looks like. You see on the street today, they're joist that I'm there. It's him, they'll say. Okay, stop. Stop it. Listen to me.

And use your fucking brain for once. You see someone's face, you see your face on both a t-shirt and an Adidas-sponsored Formula One race car. You say, ah, that's fucked up. I should go to Adidas about that. Now tell me literally the next thing that happens, and don't say, go to Adidas. I'd probably tweet at them.

Tweet. Like, where can I find you? Where are you? And they would say, well, yes, of course, you're the face of Adidas. Please come visit us. Yeah, not enough people are tweeting at brands. Where are you?

Where are you? Where are you right now? I gotta get over there. Do you guys know what Adidas stands for? All day a dream about soccer. Okay, Griffin. That is what I thought it was so far. It's named for its owner, Addie Dassler.

Found in 1924 in Germany. Addie Dassler. More like Daddy Dassler. Yeah, but of course, don't tell that to Jonathan Davis, who heard one day someone said, you know, it stands for all day a dream about sex, right? And he's like, fuck, that's funny.

I'm going to sit down and write a song about that. I could cast, yeah. That's awesome. I think I would be disappointed. I think that would be the arc. I think I'd be confused and then flattered and then disappointed. Because I wouldn't get any money.

What, if it's your face, Travis, I know what fucking face it's going to be, because you have a fucking, the face you make in all the fucking picks that you're always sharing to people, you've trademarked, you've patented that face. I get it. I don't know which one I'm going to have on there.

I don't have like a go-to face. It's probably, maybe it's your face that you make when I've just said something that is dumb and you kind of like curl up one eyebrow and your mouth like twists into this little- That's the rock. You're thinking of the rock again. Oh, damn it, you're right.

I don't do that one. The rock does that one. I've seen you do it. I make a lot of faces in photos that a lot of people see them and have to wonder, what did he just do before this photo was taken? Because it seems unscrupulous. It's a little, you're impish for sure.

You have a certain impish quality about you. But like a stinky bad imp. You know, like a devilish trickster, like a real garbage. Justin, would you make the face that you think would be on the t-shirt? Make it right now? Okay.

Oh yeah, that's it. That's all I... So my dad owns a small family business that used to be my grandfather's. My siblings and I have made many attempts to bring him in the 21st century over the years with very success. The big hurdle is this.

He brings his work desktop computer with him when he travels. Going on a Disney cruise with my mom brings the desktop and sets it up in the cabin. Monitor, keyboard, tower, mouse, his favorite mouse pad. Everything comes with him. No matter how short or long the trip.

We bought him a laptop last year and set it up for him. And he and my mom only use it to zoom with us. He said laptops aren't for work because you can't trust them. We are fully at the end of our collective rope here. Is there no hope for him? Will he never know the joy of a travel-sized computer that's from Luddites of Long Island?

Holy shit. Holy fuck. That's so good. That's rough. You know, I will say it didn't occur to me until Justin was reading it. The you can't trust in comment. If you just look at the construction,

there is no built-in lock point in a desktop computer. Because no one is ever cruising around the Starbucks looking for unwatched towers that they might spear it away. Yeah, no one's going to steal your tower. Because you see a laptop and there's also a certain guarantee of this is a functioning computer. But a lot of desktop towers, unless it has some like dope-ass LEDs

and some fucking real gamer coolers up in it, I'm just going to assume it's running fucking Windows 95. Yeah, yeah. With this cat, yeah. That would be sick if he didn't have like a monstrous vapor in the course of that fucking bit. He's bit mining. Yeah.

With like, oh yeah, I can't, I can't go, I can't use my laptop because I've melted my third video card this week in the mining of it. That's maybe that was your grandfather, like an esports gamer. And now your dad has taken over and he's disappointed because you aren't into esports. You're out there, I don't know,

maybe studying law or whatever. And he's disappointed that you didn't follow along. I brought the laptop with me on the trip now and look at my fucking frame count. Right now, I'm going to jack out control the whole trip. I was supposed to raid with my group later and fucking look at this. Look at this fucking shit.

You think anybody else on this cruise is ray tracing? I'm the only one ray tracing on this cruise. Come on. This is wild. This is wild. This laptop melted my dick off. This is how I fucking let it. That's how I run this shit.

That's how I run these hogs. I actually have five computers because I keep burning them up and rebuilding them. I lost my dang Bitcoin. Someone took my laptop, stole my dang Bitcoin. Jangled, jangled right out of my fricking pocket, man. Wait, can you trust laptops? No.

Hold on, can you trust them? They have the built-in camera. Do you think that's what it means? No, I think it's like, hey, you look at those babies. Man, a desktop, a hearty tower, you could drop that shit off a two-story building. A laptop.

And it would break and explode. And it would break. And it would just be broken. A laptop? You accidentally leave a pencil in there? It's done. Why do you have a pencil inside your laptop? Because I forgot it wasn't a book.

Yeah, I had a MacBook a few years back and I lost a particularly frustrating game of chess and I punched the keys so hard and it only took one punch for it to get all bent up and not working no more. Not like a tower. I'm glad, I'm glad that a media company, I was formerly in the employee of,

I had to tell them I fell down the stairs. You fell down the stairs or it fell down the stairs? I fell down the stairs and I was like, whoa. Okay. Wait, shut up. The keyboard, the keyboard was the part that was broken, right? So it was open? Everybody who's not Justin needs to shut up for the next minute

while you tell me every detail about the story you told them. I told, I got the email. Holy shit. See, mile away. Please don't tell. If you do, yeah, please nobody tell them. I mean, please don't tell them. But if a media company, if you do hear this,

let me know, I'll pay for it. It's good then. It's just good. Hello. Oh yeah, this is all fake. Hello, my MacBook Pro is having some major problems related to me falling down the stairs. And then in parentheses, it says I am okay.

Thank you. Oh, thank God. I'm not going to tell them that I fucking got out Casper. I didn't have to one punch me in that shit. But doesn't all you said is related to me falling down the stairs? I was trying to. I didn't want to get into like a courtroom recreation like because I couldn't imagine the actual particulars of it.

Exactly. Just things happen. Did you drop it down the stairs and it fell out of your hand into a big man's fist? When I was thinking what I was thinking happened was. Was that all the details? Wait, hold on. Was that all the details?

Much love, Justin. Please send a replacement. He doesn't need to. He's not going to do a, it's not unsolved mystery. He's not going to do a reenactment of it. Like he doesn't need more than that. Holy shit. That's so choice.

I guess in my head, what happened was I had the computer open. Yeah. While I was walking down the stairs, which was reckless, and then I tripped and then used the middle sort of punch size section of the keyboard to break my fall. I think that's what I. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why you're fine.

If you hadn't had your laptop at the time, you'd be dead. This one's cached, but do something to honor this hero laptop. Yeah. And I would like to talk to Tim about that. I mean, you should. If I, here's what I'm going to say. If your, if your laptops can't take a punch, they shouldn't run chess. Yeah.

Is that fair? Is that fair to say? That's what this is what I'm saying. This is why laptops are for nerds. You can't punch them once. Can't punch it one time. What if I get very mad? Yeah.

Justin, it's not like Justin punching it over and over again. It was one punch. Can't take one punch. It would be so dope if during one of the press conferences, Tim Cook is like, pushes the button. He's like, and, and in this new model, 3.6 punches. What? It can't withstand.

Wham, wham, wham. Boop. Record 3.6 punches. Get out of your Brock Lesnar. Fuck it up. It's my friend Brock. He and I have been lifting together. Hey, Tim, it's me, Brock Lesnar.

I'm so impressed with this new MacBook model. Anyway, I'm going to punch it for you. And then I'm going to rip it in half. One, two, three, stop, stop, stop. It's the only one we've got. Don't do it. Here's what's frustrating is you can't punch them, which you would, but you can't tear them in half,

which you would never. Yeah. Right? Doesn't that seem stupid? You should make them un-tear in half a bowl. Yeah. That's a tower, Justin. Yeah.

No, I'm saying you can punch it, but you can't tear it in half. Okay. And I would never try to tear it in half in anger. I would punch it in anger. And I actually might try to tear it in half in anger. I have tried to twist. I've twisted controllers in half in anger. So, wait, Justin, just to get this clear,

your complaint with Lantos is that you can't punch them. You cannot punch them, but you could rip them in half. But, Justin, I would argue it sounds like you did to punch it. No, I'm saying the problem is they can't take a punch, and yet you can't rip them in half. So, they can't take a punch. What else can a laptop not do, Justin? I'm saying that I would not, in anger, close my laptop

and then attempt to rip it in half. Oh, I see. Right? It doesn't need that much structural integrity. It does need the power to withstand a medium punch. Now, see, I thought when you were talking about ripping in half, you meant screen from keyboard, which I could do. Anyone could, Travis.

Anybody could do that. If we're going to buy this data high-end, top-of-the-line, government-level gamer laptop rig. Something he can also stream from. Something he can also Twitch from. You know what I mean? If we're going to turn this into a Twitch Daddy, we're going to need it.

By the way, we're not going to. That's not a service we offer at the show. Not yet. Okay, but we're not going to do that, but we should go to the Money Zone. Let's go. Hey, honey. What?

It's me, Justin. No, I said that. Oh, no one will ever know that, though. It got edited out. I know, but I said it first, and then we had to start over. Your waste. Your burning time.

Hey, honey. This is an intro I came up with for the company, Honey. And I love Honey. I wish that I could express. I wish I had a secret signal. I could send for when I don't actually like an advertiser that much, so I could not do it for Honey,

because it is the best. It takes a few clicks. It installs in your web browser, and anytime you check out, it is like, hey, let me just see if you got any coupon codes anywhere in the back. I'll be right back. Let me just look real quick.

And then it looks, and if it's got promo codes that it found on the internet, it just automatically applies them for you, saves you money. I mean, it's best. It's free. It takes a second to install. It's so weird that you wouldn't be using Honey.

Do you just like giving away money? Is that it? It's free. It's honestly free money. So please get Honey for free at joinhoney.com slash brother. That's joinhoney.com slash brother. What do you call it?

Get some, get money. Hey, guys, what do you call it when you use a web app to find discounts on underwear? Me, Hundys. I want to tell you about me, Hundys, because I said me. I'm proud of that one.

God, don't you love it when you can hear the pride in his voice? Me, Hundys. Yeah. Me, Hundys. And then he says it like 70 times. Me, Hundys. To make it feel like a joke.

Me, Hundys. That's fucking funny, though. Did you hear the voice you did in that time? Me, Hundys. Oh, that's fucking great, Travis. Yeah. Me, Hundys just wants everyone to feel comfy as heck with the free.

Oh, don't stop. Oh, don't stop. Me, Hundys. They love it. They love it. The audience loves it. The advertisers love it. The ad reps love it.

The ad reps send this to advertisers and they're like, this is good. How much money do they want? Yeah, a lot of this. They'll give them all of it. Please, is there a tipping feature? Yeah. I'd love to tell you.

Oh, what's that? Oh, money. Just money. Oh, suddenly I'm inside one of those money booths. Travis, stop doing the voice. And the advertisers love your voice. Me, Hundys. Fuck, this sucks.

I can only do that one thing, though. Yeah, okay. Okay. So, me, Hundys, they got really good soft stuff that you put on your body. They got stuff like underwear and they got lounge pants and they got onesies. And they have very, very just comfortable stuff.

And not only that, it's got good patterns, fun patterns. I just got a pair of underwear with dinosaurs on them. And I know you think, aren't you scared that they will bite you on your privacy? And I say, no, that's just pictures. And they have a sustainably sourced fabric that is from beechwood trees. How?

Well, they take the trees, they turn them into pulp and then to yarn and then to underwear. But I've put my leg inside a tree before and it did not feel good. They do stuff to it in between the tree and your privacy. And you can get a Meundys membership, which is a subscription that sends new pairs of Meundys right to your door, plus you can get site-wide savings

and exclusive sales. If you want to get 15% off your first-order free shipping and a 100% satisfaction guarantee, go to meundys.com slash my brother. That's meundys.com slash my brother. Meundys? Hey, Jay Keith. Hey, Helen.

Hey, you've got another true-false quiz for me? Yep. Our trivia podcast, Go Fact Yourself, used to be in front of a live audience. True. Turns out that's not so safe anymore. Correct. Next, unfortunately, this means we can no longer record the show.

False. The show still comes out every first and third Friday of the month. Correct. Finally, we still have great celebrity guests answering trivia about things they love on every episode of Go Fact Yourself. Definitely true. And for bonus points, name some of them.

Recently, we've had a Ophira Eisenberg plus tons of surprise experts like Yardley Smith and Suzanne Summers. Perfect score. You can hear Go Fact Yourself every first and third Friday of the month with all the great guests and trivia that we've always had. And if you don't listen, well, then you can Go Fact Yourself.

That's the name of our podcast. Correct. Here is a question I have here. I have recently moved into an apartment with a friend from high school. Everything has been great, except for one thing. She has grown overly attached to my cat. She's home a lot more than I am,

and therefore spends more time with her, playing with her, and taking her on walks. A lot of pronouns here. It's getting confusing. I sometimes come home to find lipstick marks from her kissing my cat on the forehead. Whoa. Whoa.

She even has started calling her cat our cat, even when I have made it clear that she is mine. What should I do? Do I need to relax or is she overstepping? I just hate the idea of my cat liking my roommates more. That's from MIFT in Minnesota. I actually, you know who would be good to help with this? I cannot fathom.

Ron Funches. Travis read my mind. Yeah, Ron Funches. Let me see if I can. When I think about roommate, cat, dynamic. Yeah. Ron Funches. A real cat kisser.

Best in the biz. Let me call him real quick. Hi. Hey, Ron. It's hoops. I was still dialing. Ron has one of those special phones where all you have to do is sort of hit one of the phone numbered numbers

over and over and over again until you hear him yell hi. Yeah, it felt like you were knocking, so I just answered. If you ever need to get Ron Funches, just keep hitting seven and eventually he'll answer. So Ron, I probably, you are probably so familiar with this sort of question that I don't even need to tell you, but it's like the classic sort of roommate to attach to the cat kind of deal.

You have heard. The final lipstick on the forehead. You got it. This guy does. This guy does. Just a regular Tuesday for Ron, am I right? So we reached out to, we're just cycling through our different trolls world tour co-stars.

That was Justin doing. Haven't gotten JT yet. Hasn't quite been the right fit for him. He keeps asking about it and I'm like, you know. Just nothing up his alley yet. He's like, please, Justin, please. And I'm like, cry me a river. Of course.

Yeah, he loves it when you reference his song. It's his favorite thing. He also demanded that Justin legally change his name before he will come on. Did you know he's never been on a thing with another Justin? Even like a Best Boy Key grip, they do need to. He was supposed to swear in Justin Trudeau at his swearing-in ceremony that prime ministers probably have.

And he just, he wouldn't do it. He wouldn't do it. Trudeau wouldn't change his name? Neither one would. They were at a stalemate. So Ron, where are you at with this? With cats and ownership and roommates? Where are you at?

Can one really own a cat, Ron? That's how I feel about it. You know, it's really about just the relationship of love and it goes back and forth. And if you're not home with that cat and your roommate is and they're building a bond, I'd say why stand in the way of it? It seemed like a little bit of jealousy, if not a little bit of guilt about, you know,

maybe they've been working too much, not spending enough time with their cat. So I mean, I feel either you have to learn to let go a bit about it and let that cat be loved by a full family. You know, it takes a village to raise a cat. Everyone knows that. That's so true. I would want to know where like cat maintenance duties

are being assigned at this point, right? Because like I have, there's a cat that lives at our house and it belonged to my other cat that died. Very inconsiderately, my older cat died and left her cat here for us to take care of. I don't not get any of the transactional love or support or company or anything from this cat. I just clean up its duty and refill its bowl.

And I feel like if this person is getting love and affection from the cat, maybe they should step up with like some food, some water, some litter box cleanings, that sort of thing. Well, because there's a very real potential here that if you say these roommates only live together for like a year, right? When they part ways and the cat's like, okay, well, I'm going with her now because she's been the one around. She's been there for me.

Oh, seen it several times. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, the cat will choose and it will make a choice and you just have to live with it. So I mean, I think maybe she should consider quitting her job and spending more time with the cat and truly support. I've been watching a lot of 90 day fiance. And it seems like one of the best things you can do

in a relationship is stop caring about yourself and your responsibilities, whether that's children, jobs, thinking of that nature, and to start fully focusing on the needs of the other person. Or cat. Or cat. Or cat in this case. Oh, clearly.

Clearly. Yeah. And this is, and that's such a great point, Ron, because this is, if there's ever been a moment to start taking economical risks and quitting jobs willy-nilly, this is it. This is the moment to do it. I mean, it's also.

Well, cats and money, like cat, jobs and money come and go. A cat will always be there for you when you need it. Is this the time for us to get Jackson galaxies, my cat from hell, sort of back in the mix, but like blended with 90 day fiance, just a very intensive sort of spiritual journey that you do go on with your cat for three Gregorian months.

I like the idea. Yeah. If Jackson galaxies answer is always, well, maybe you're just not working hard enough your relationship with the cat. Man. Oh yeah. What's that?

Your cat destroyed all your plans and shit and all your shoes and like bit your daughter. Well, time to quit your job. Ron's suggestion that you need to quit your job to take care of your cat is laughable and all us humans are having a great time chuckling at it. But make no mistake, if you had a talking cat, like in the hit film, a talking cat,

this is exactly what they would be saying to you. Like you, I am the most important thing in the world. You have to start quitting your job and putting in the time. And also you need to send normal to Abu Dhabi. That's important too. Ron, I'm curious. Where do you land vis-a-vis kitty kisses though? Oh, kisses on the forehead.

Leaving lipstick. Okay. This is we're talking about two separate things. I'm saying, I'm saying no to both. I don't think it's right to kiss an animal unless it's a cute little puppy with sweet toby's. But a kitty cat kiss, I'm not a fan of. I think we can all get behind leaving lipstick marks on the

kitty cat. Like the kitty cat is Ricky Martin. And you are in the music video, Living La Vida Loca, is not great, right? Correct. Is there any will? I'm gonna have to, I hate to disagree. Oh, but I mean, A, one of the best music videos of all time.

And we, so who doesn't want to live that out in cat form? And B, cats have, you know, cats have, if you get a cat kiss back from the cat who has the scratchiest of tongues, which are fun, you know, that's just a different experience. Yes. So I just say- Not as a semi, you're getting a kiss back? I have to say though, if I was a cat and you're gonna leave

lipstick on me, that's the one fucking hardest play. How could you do it there? I can access almost every other place in my body. Leave it on my butt. I can get there easy. I'm there anyway. I'm scheduled to be there at 3.20, just leave it on my butt. But I'm gonna get to it.

Honestly, it sounds like that roommate is leaving a message, you know, is seriously, she possibly is claiming, I want this cat. She used to be your cat, it is now our cat. And it will be shortly my cat. That is step two, is that our cat is now step two of the process. Y'all know the best part of the Live in La Vida loco music video? I got a loop. I'm in one tab here.

The sexual, sensual things that Ricky Martin is experiencing in this video, his facial reactions are that of childlike wonderment, as if he has never had these sexual experiences before. It's almost like Ricky Martin has been sort of wizarded away into this sort of sexual dimension. And somebody pours wax on his chest. He's like, whoa, hey. I'm watching it right now.

And he seems like he's thoroughly into this. I love on YouTube. YouTube is like, oh, you like Live in La Vida? May I recommend Lou Bega's Mambo number five? They go hand in hand. They do go hand in hand truly. You actually, we actually found out later on that Lou Bega doesn't even like Mambo. So that was actually a big.

Why do you have Ricky found what he was looking for? Absolutely. I love, and a huge spokesperson speaking out for all kinds of stuff. Very active. Like muffins in corn. Yeah, he's a big corn lobbyist. If you, if you, if you, you like the low price of petroleum, you can thank Ricky Martin. Power broker.

He's up in DC, cleaning it out. Corn powered car. Ricky Martin did that. Corn powered car. It's all thanks to him. Yeah. And I know that corn cop pipes also. Yeah, that's him.

That's him. Corn pops. Oh, I didn't know that was Ricky. The banned corn, he was the co-founder. Yeah, kicked him out because they wanted to change the decay. And he said, I think that's going to be confusing. That's not going to help corn sales at all. Yeah, he was, yeah, he was thinking bigger than that.

Ron, what, what it's, uh, we're all trying to stay busy in our own way in these times. What are you, what are you up to these days? Oh, I'm just trying to, you know, spend time with my wife. Cause I got married a few weeks ago. And congratulations. Thank you so much. I enjoy my family and I'm also, um, doing a live show, uh, Saturday on, on the September 5th that people can watch from their homes if they want, since I can't go on the road

safely right now. Um, you know, I'm going to bring a show or have a live audience of 10 people that's safely a distance and a mast and we'll be live streaming it out on YouTube for, for 24 hours on the 5th. So I've been preparing for that and, and just working on trying to, you know, get them to get us bigger parts in the next Trolls movie. Oh, this is a, I love this. I love, yeah, we're working together now. It's collective bargaining.

Oh, you want Ron? Ron comes packaged with the macaroni brothers. That special is, uh, Awakening, correct? I don't think you said the name of it. I did not. They should know it is called Awakening. They can get tickets at my website, RonFunches.com. Um, and, or if you check out any of my socials, Instagram or Twitter, you can, there's links

all the way, all around. And I'm just, you know, I'm working on my own game show as well on Quibi. That's out right now called nice. Nice. What's that called? It's called nice one. And it's just about, it's like, uh, looking at most like my comedy, looking at the bright side of bad situations.

It's just me and my favorite comedians making fun jokes and me giving out points. Now, Ron, I haven't, I don't have a lot of time to watch TV. I can maybe spare, uh, one Quibi to watch something. How long is an episode? It's about a Quibi. Oh, nice. Okay, good. That's a relief.

Ron, I recently saw you on Twitter, um, like telling people who spoke bad about Quibi, I believe that you would fight them. Yes. Is that true? I did say that and I stand behind it. So if anybody listening to this has ever said anything bad about Quibi and wants to fight Ron Punches, this is your chance. Yeah.

As long as you have no, um, background in fighting, uh, that's cheating. Yeah, that's, that would be rude if you had a background in it and are, if you were, uh, physically fit. So if you, if you're neither of those and you're talking trash about Quibi, then I will fight you. I feel like anybody who's in any sort of entertainment that complains about Quibi, the secret subtext, and I can absolutely put myself in this category is, why didn't I get a Quibi?

I would, I would love to get a Quibi. Why didn't I take a Quibi? I would love to do a Quibi. Why didn't nobody ask me to do a Quibi? I'd do a Quibi. Come on, help me out. I agree. I mean, really it's just, I feel, I understand making fun of things.

I love making fun of things and talking trash, but I, uh, when it was just like this actual, like wanting people to fail, I'm like, you know, not a lot of people, uh, hand out shows to. So yeah, yeah, absolutely. If a new place pops up and they need a whole new slate of material, I think that's extremely positive and not, not a negative by any means. And listen, as people who have had a show on a thing that failed, it's not fun. It's not fun. It's not super fun.

It's way better when the thing succeeds and you get to keep making your show. Oh, truly. I would love that. Um, um, um, you know, I'm not putting all the eggs in that basket. The shows are very short. I mean, yeah, that's too small of a basket. That's right. Don't be a goof.

So watch Ron special September 5th and, um, get tickets at RonFunches.com. And, uh, Ron, thank you so much for being with us. I very much appreciate you. Oh, it's a true pleasure. You guys are so much fun to talk to and very enjoyable. And truly, I don't know if, if they, if, would the movie have been successful, you know, without the work that you done. Who knows?

I'd say yes. That's a great, yeah, probably. At least 98% as successful as it was, I would say. Well, but, you know, you, you need that 2%. You need it. That's what they put in the milk. Thanks, Ron. Thank you.

Thank you so much for joining us on our, uh, action pack program. Reminder, go to RonFunches.com and get tickets for Awakening. That's happening, uh, Saturday, September 5th on, on YouTube. So don't, don't miss out. I'm sure it would be hilarious. And I'm sure a specific place on YouTube, not just like, I don't think it's a takeover. It's not like controlling your horizontal and vertical, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's not a takeover.

It's not going to interrupt the, you know, cabbage video you're watching. Yeah. About cabbage. Because you're boring as fuck. Thank you to John Roderick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song. It's a departure off of the album, Putting the Days to Bed. Good tunes all around. And thank you to Maximum Fun for having us on the network.

Go to MaximumFun.org. Check out all the shows there. Shows like Stop Podcasting Yourself and Story Break and Heat Rocks. And a whole bunch else at MaximumFun.org. And you can find other stuff we do at McElroy.Family. This is a reminder that, you know, we got an election coming up. If you're not registered to vote, you need to get registered to vote. And you're going to want to request that mail-in ballot.

As soon as you can, make sure that you check what the state laws where you are about mail-in ballots are and then send it in as soon as you can. And then you're going to want to vote for the guy who's not Donald Trump. That's Joe Joseph Gordon-Biden. Joseph Gordon-Biden. That's the name that is on the ballot says Joseph Gordon-Biden on it. So hit vote, Joe. Oh, also, we have a podcast book coming out called Everybody Has a Podcast Except You.

And if you go to macroipodcastbook.com, you can pre-order it. That's going to be coming out in January. It's going to, it's got practical, real advice on how to, not like this dumb, dumb show, like real advice that'll really teach you how to make a podcast you're proud of. It has stuff like coming up with the idea, where to like publish it, how to promote it, and how to monetize it. So macroipodcastbook.com, pre-order it now. Please pre-order this book.

Please. One last plug, me and Justin do a video game podcast called The Besties that you can find on Spotify. We do it with our buddies Chris and Russ from Polygon. And we talk about a game every week. You don't need to subscribe. You don't need to pay for Spotify. You just need to like download this free Spotify app and then you'll get it. The search for us on Spotify and follow us there and yeah, listen to it.

If you missed hearing me and Justin talk about video games, you don't have to miss us because we're still doing it on The Besties. I think that's it. Y'all want that final? Yeah, please. Well, my computer has crashed. No excuse, dude. No excuse.

This guy who was sent in by the prospector, Merit Palmer. Thank you, Merit. It's by Yahoo! Andrews user, they're anonymous, call them Banjo asks, our Buffalo Wings proof that God loves me and wants me to be happy. My name is Justin McLeod. I'm Travis McLeod. I'm Griffin McLeod.

This is my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad. School, we're on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.