My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 526: Why Not a Wizard?

Episode Date: September 7, 2020

Please, please let us do wrestling. Does anyone know anyone who’s doing wrestling that we could Skype with? We have really, really good wrestling ideas, most of which are based around telekinesis and fantastical incantations.Suggested talking points: Balloon Man, Window Washer Sneakrets, Wrestling Magic, Tye-Dye Whoopsie, Sports Fusion, Oozefest Ways to support Black Lives Matter and find anti-racism resources: https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/Donate to the Milwaukee Freedom Fund in support of the protesters in Kenosha: https://supportwomenshealth.salsalabs.org/mkefreedomfund/index.htmlSupport the California Wildfire Relief Fund: https://www.calfund.org/wildfire-relief-fund/Register to vote: https://vote.gov/

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, welcome to my brother, my brother, me and advice show for the Modunera. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm the mystical, magical, illusionist, entertainer, David Blaine. David's so happy to have you here. Wow, what an honor.

Sorry, I got delayed by some crosswinds over Milwaukee, so it delayed me coming into the studio today. Just a few days after your dramatic ascent, holding a lot of balloons, upping yourself is what the kids call it. Yeah, I did an up, and it was an exhilarating journey that brought the country together, and it was an illusion. And also, I liked doing it a lot, and I had a lot of fun doing it. So that's the only means of conveyance you're using. So now I do it all the time, because when you get on a airplane, they aren't doing a great job of the social distancing. Have you guys heard about this? No, I wasn't social. You might have been, David, you got up to 24,900 feet. You might have been the most socially

distanced person on the plane. Well, I was until one of my balloons popped, and it released the stinky breath of a sick man. The balloons were all blown up by a big man with powerful breath, and I found out later he was sick with it. So I don't know. It was, again, the crosswinds may have diluted it somewhat. That may have been Smilex gas. You know how the Joker do. The Joker's always on my nuts. Can I give you, I just want to say thank you, Mr. Blaine, because it is amazing how your balloon trip captivated the hearts and minds of everyone. And for days now, it's all anyone has been talking about across all social. It's literally the only thing being discussed is, I think the first thing that has distracted everyone from everything. It's

amazing. I actually, as interested as I'm here to hear about David's experience with the balloon. I'd like to talk about my experience, which is I saw on Twitter about a half hour after it ended, that it had happened. I was like, oh, man, I didn't fucking hear about that. He did what? I like to pretend that David Blaine was like, if I could tell him that personally. I know you went up in the air with balloons you're holding, but I didn't find out about it till later, and I couldn't be bothered. And then, David, by the way, when I did watch it, I did skip around quite a bit. Your journey and your ascension and decline, even you're falling, even you're falling through the fucking air. I was like, and...

David, can I ask, because it kind of seems to me... Wow, you sure aren't really giving me room to speak about my incredible sky journey. No, because I do want to hear about it. I do, David. David, I do. But to Justin's point, it kind of seems to me like maybe unlike where you sat in a big fishbowl for a long time, or you claimed to be frozen in ice, even though our daddy did that. And you... Oh, wait, you're Clint's kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that creator of the frozen in ice gag.

It kind of seems like this one wasn't like a publicity thing, so much as it was just something you were going to do on your own, and somebody noticed and pointed a camera at you. It didn't seem like it was advertised in any way beforehand. Is that true? No, but we did a sort of street team advertisement, but we tied it... Like with the URL, we put it on some paper and we tied it to balloons, but wouldn't you know at the DAGNAV, things dang did flew up into the skies so no one could see them. David, I'd like to talk about one feature of your stunt that I thought was so captivating. I believe... There's a young woman there who I believe was your daughter. I don't know.

Me neither, but she attached the final balloon that began your ascent into the sky. Put me over. Yeah, put you over. That was so lovely. I wanted to know, did you consider the fact that if something did go terribly wrong, she would have like YouTube live streamed evidence that she could revisit for the rest of her existence? Of that time, she killed her dad with a balloon. Did you think about that outcome? It's part of the illusion, isn't it?

Well, there's no illusion. No, you're very clear about this. That was you in the balloons, right? Unless that was the trick? That was you in the balloons, right? I never give it away, my secrets, but I had an invisible... It was a very big ladder. There were some people... Oh, wait, hold on, Justin. I want to hear more about this giant invisible ladder technology. It's big. It's a big ladder, 10,000 foot ladder. I didn't even get up the whole thing.

In these times when things are changing so much, I would like to repeat a little bit of consistency in the world. I showed your stunt to my wife who reacted the way she has reacted to all of your stunts for the past decade. She watched in silence and then said, that fucking idiot. Every single time, David. It hurts my feelings, or does it? What did Leo think of this? Leo loved it. I'm not sure who you're referring to.

He's a Caprio. Your friend, Leo de Caprio. Your friend's a lot of celebs. Yeah, he liked it one time. He had a watch and I made it not there anymore. Ooh. Yeah. It was pretty badass. Now, what did Edward Norton think? And then I threw up a frog, but that was unrelated. Tell me about the time you set Edward Norton's shoes on a fire. Yeah, I want to spit water on them so hard that they went out.

Yes, please. Well, it was his fucking birthday. And it took him out to dinner at a Ruth's Cris and they were doing it Hibachi style. Okay. Yeah, go on. This is a more thorough recap. I'm not going to say, I'm not going to try to jump to conclusions here, but Chekhov's gun, you've introduced the Hibachi and his shoes were on fire. Having a hard time not connecting the two.

That may be a faith though. It may be a red hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get you looking over there at the Hibachi table, and then when it happens, your watch is not fucking there anymore. Whoa, you stole my watch? Yep. And you replaced it with Edward Norton's shoes? Yep. And then what's that in my mouth?

It's another frog. Damn it. Now, so how did the shoes come to ignite? I'm not going to give you all my secrets, but I... Was that the trick that you made his shoes flammable? Yeah, it took the change, the stuff that it's made out of into a sort of polyester of my own design. I have my own shoe line of extremely burnable shoes dropping this summer.

Oh, wait, summer's over. I forgot. Man. I guess I just thought that the trick was how much water you were gargitated upon his shoes. No. Hey, you want to see me float? Woo! Yep. Whoa! Okay, I'm going to float off, but anyway, yeah, I got lunch plans with fucking balloon boy. Me and balloon boy are going to hit up Bruce Chris,

and you know what he's in for. Say goodbye to your kid's balloon boy, cooking him up Hibachi style. Oh, man, what a big get. Oh, man, I had so many questions to ask him that I forgot. Yeah. Woo! There's a lot. What did you mean? Hey, sorry, David, just...

Attention! How did you put my playing card inside the bottle? Oh, it was... The bottle isn't real. Oh, fuck, yeah, okay. I see that now. David just floated out the window and his big balloons. Griffin, are you ready to start my brother and my brother and me? Yeah, let's do it.

All right, just press record, everybody. Okay, Griffin. So this is my show. Obviously. Obviously, let's help people. I live in an apartment building and today the windows are being washed. Since I'm working from home in a tiny apartment, my desk is six inches away from the window,

and a window washing guy just dropped onto the interview. We acknowledge each other and I thanked him, and now I'm sitting here pretending to work staring at my computer screen while this, while this gentleman is literally six inches from me staring back at me while doing his job. I have a full cup of coffee and toast already on my desk, so there's no excuse to get up and put it around the kitchen. The anxiety it currently feels unlike anything I've ever felt. How do I most effectively cover the fact or convey the fact

that I'm definitely working and not just trying to avoid eye contact with him? That's from working in Washington. Mike, I think my favorite part of this question is the conceit, the belief that if you got up to go to the kitchen, the window washer bag, where are you going? You got a full cup of coffee. Yeah. Where are you going?

Is this about me? This is one of many questions, and it's a genre of question that we get from our listeners, who I adore, because we are so very alike, us and our listeners, where you are assuming that this person's whole mindset is about you in this moment, because that's what anxiety does to you, when really you can get up, and they're not going to pay you any mind. They're listening to the radio. They're focusing on not falling to the death,

which is what I would be doing in their position. Yeah, they're on the clock, and they're dialed in. They're probably not concerned with you or what you're doing or anything about you, because they're going to go buy a bunch of windows with a bunch of people working in them. If they gave a shit about every single person in every single window, it would take up a lot of emotional lift. Now, okay, here's what I will say though, Griffin. Yeah.

Speaking of putting ourselves in place of our listeners, if I was the window washer, I would, upon looking at every window, think, what are they doing? No, of course you would. Obviously you would, because this is what I wanted to say. This is what I wanted to say. These people are doing an incredibly dangerous job, are the fine people of the window washing industry.

That's a dangerous gig, I'm thinking. They probably have some sector protocols in place, but by and large, it's more dangerous than a lot of gigs. It's just a bunch of balloons. Letting the, and it's boring. You know, it's probably a lot of it, times once you get into the rhythm, it's probably boring. You owe them, they have the right.

What I'm saying is we owe them a little bit of entertainment, a little show, I think, just to help them pass the time on the boring, dangerous thing that they are doing for our edification. This futile act that will be undone by entropy and the ravages of time in a matter of days. And birds, thank you, Travis. And bugs. Just let them have a look-see what you're doing.

Give him a show, just give him a show. Don't let him know you're there though, because that's not their thing. No, but I do, it has just now occurred to me, this is probably why Hitchcock called his movie rear window, instead of just window, because it would be a way different experience in rear window. If it was a cleaner six inches away, just like,

hey, did you kill somebody? Hey, I saw that, mister. I'm right, I am right here. You can pretend I don't exist like that guy in Washington that one time. But I'm right here, and I'm pretty sure you killed your wife and maybe a dog in a bucket. It's been a while since Travis has seen rear window. Why are you telling me about when Travis saw rear window?

Well, I'm just trying to share a brief moment of humanity with you to bring us closer together. Oh, you went in the kitchen, okay? What do you do with all those creepy secrets that you find when you're going down the windows? Just like, this is the sacred code. Yeah, the sacred code of the window washer is that you may watch all the secrets,

but you must lock them in an amulet that you keep around your neck. That powers you. Yeah, you whisper the secrets into the amulet, and that's what keeps your floating hover platform aloft. Correct. The power of secrets. Oh, it's not cables, like in movies. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Those are just there to keep up appearances, but they do nothing. That's an illusion created by the amulet. How come every time someone gets on one of those in movies and TVs, it always falls? Always falls. When you get on one in a movie. Yeah.

Like, I think the rate of incident in which the window washer platform does fall would have to be exceptionally low, or else I would assume we'd just leave these bad boys dirty. Do you think when window washers see that move there, like, no, no, come on, that's not. Come on, get your strengths on. Come on, that's not how it works.

It's got redundancies. Kidding me, what is this? You have to assume it has redundancies. Can I do a yahoo? I would like to see a scene in a movie where somebody gets onto the platform and everything. It's like tense music, but then it's just like a half hour scene

of them figuring out how their controls work and then turning it on and then lowering themselves like 100 floors and then getting off at the bottom and then like, I don't know, getting in a cab, you know. I'd like to see a scene where the green goblin knocks a window washer's platform down and Spider-Man's like, oh, fuck, I got to get over there. And he swings over there and the window washer's like,

I had proper safety protocols. Yes, I mean, there's redundancies. I'm fine. There's redundancies, of course. If you're a window washer listening to podcasts, please get at us and let us know. I guess everything that's going on over there. Yeah, give us a play by play of what you see.

Yeah, and describe your amulet in detail. Yeah, to be honest, we'll know. We'll know. Here's a yahoo that was sent in by Sean. Thanks, Sean. It's by Yahoo Answers User, Nope. Who has a, he's got a question here that has been on the tip of my tongue

and Sean, Nope has managed to put it into words in a way I never have. Thank you, Nope, for your bravery. Nope asks, why hasn't there ever been a wizard wrestler? Like in WWE, the wizard wrestler would have special powers like controlling other wrestlers via telekinesis. He'd definitely be jacked and wear a Speedo, but he'd also have a big white beard and a wizard hat.

I did not read that part before. I did not vet that part correctly. I imagined more of a sort of Gondolfian vibe. You were thinking more of a svelte, not so much a beefcake, but perhaps, you know, like a svelte Jaguar-esque, you know. Well, I was more thinking about the hemp and garments of a Christopher Lee,

but not necessarily a Speedo with rippling muscles, but I guess wizards come in all shapes and sizes. Yeah, it is interesting to me, Griffin, that you assume that Gondolf underneath that robe isn't rippling with muscles. Isn't like huge. Yeah, maybe. You don't know that. Get off the shredded.

Wrestling requires remarkable athleticism, and there is obviously an inherent risk to every bout that happens in that beautiful cage, but also sometimes they do a make-believe. Yeah, that's interesting. I know that there's been a wrestler who would take off a sock and make you smell it, so bad that you fall asleep,

so I don't see why there can't be a wrestler who takes you over with his psychic powers. Would that be the problem, though, is that wrestling already has a sort of, we know this, there's a tenuous relationship to reality in wrestling, and they're constantly playing with that in a word that I will not attempt to pronounce

because I've been saying it for 10 years and I've never managed to get it right, but it's- Kayfabe? Thank you. Sure, Travis had it this time, tweeted him. But I feel like introducing, it would be straining the bounds of believability if you did just have one wrestler show up,

and this one does have magical powers. It seems to me like people are okay with someone maybe being an undertaker and maybe being dead in some way and having a manager who may or may not be dead. That was an act. I think that if you're going to have a magician character, the premise can't be I always loved wizards growing up and so I've styled myself as a wizard.

It must be I am a wizard who will win the fight with magic. I find it hard to believe that there has not been a wrestler who could perhaps mesmerize or hypnotize. Well, I mean, we do have something like that now. There is someone who uses what I will refer to as just sort of swamp magic to cast people into sort of illusory hellscapes. That feels real. Yeah. That doesn't bother me.

So we got that, right? Why not wizard? In the last WrestleMania, the fucking undertaker killed AJ Styles. Guys, guys, he's a performer. He's an entertainer. Alan Jones killed him and buried his dead ass six feet under the loam, dust to dust, baby. This dude's dead as disco and then he's back the next week. So why not wizards, I guess? What happened when he came back?

Hold on, I am curious, but when he came back, was there any zombie theme or was it? No, he was just kind of back and he was pretty peeved at the undertaker, but they only do the undertaker at WrestleMania, so he kind of let bygones be bygones for another year at least. He got over it. He got over it. Maybe next WrestleMania, he'll show up at the undertaker fight and be like,

I did not appreciate you killing my ass dead and putting me in the ground like a dead body does. I think if you were going to have a wizard character, they would have to only be able to access their powers once X had been accomplished. They could not walk right out the gate and blast you with a fireball or lightning or whatever. It would have to be like, they got to power up

via getting punched enough, right? Or something, maybe it's rage-fueled magic or it's the cheers of the crowd, perhaps? Yeah, I mean, we've got Finn Balor who turns into the beast when he gets psyched up. There's a lot of people who transform into B.C.O. characters, so why not a fucking wizard, please? It's such a shame that live audiences

aren't permitted at wrestling events now because I would love to start seeing the crowd filled with why not a wizard signs. Yeah. Maybe once things, but I feel like the heat of this is going to be gone by the time we wrap up the COVID stuff. Could it be a social campaign? Hashtag why not a wizard?

Tweet events. All right. Well, you don't have to tweet at anybody. You can just tweet simply hashtag why not a wizard. How that's so that there is no wrestling connection to that. You don't think that's obvious? I didn't think it needed to be stated. I think that when someone sees that,

they will immediately think of the void in wrestling of being like, yeah, you're right. Why not a wizard? Bray Wyatt has swamp magic and he transforms into a beast. Well, he took both. He can't do that. That's what I'm saying. There should be, even if somebody's already got a thing.

Why not a wizard? Roman Reigns, some people are still not over. Just fucking give him. Telekinesis. It's so easy. Some sort of baby face person, like one of the wrestlers that doesn't have a cool name. They just are the regular name.

And we're like John Cena. Like John Cena who could come back as the wizard. Maybe a character. Oh, maybe that's the thing is Roman Reigns. Griffin, you mentioned people. He was supposed to be a hero and then people didn't like him. Is that correct? Yeah.

I mean, that was ancient history, but still, yes, he is not over in some people's hearts. Perhaps he discovers his powers. They manifest one day while saving someone. And this is, it's not like, it's not retcon. This is a new development of like, yes. And also I saw a child about to be hit by a car and I magic that car away.

Okay. And that's how I found my powers. He has this fantastical move where he cocks his arm like it's a shotgun and he does jump in the air and he punches somebody with this arm that I guess he has prepared in some way. He has loaded it in some way. So what if the next time he does it,

he just cocks it and like a fucking lightning bolt comes out and he's like, whoa, what the fuck? Did you guys see that? And then we would do cussing in the WWE again. Which would be cool. One of the cool things about having a wizard is that you could, he's unbeatable, right? Because of magic.

But you could, like there's an object outside of the ring in our world where his power is contained. Because I think one of the things about wrestling that sucks is that it's always in that, the, you know, the square. And I feel like if they had an opportunity to do some storylines that was just the undertaker rampaging through Detroit, looking for the secret dagger of, we'll get it in post.

Yeah, we'll figure it out. You know, what, you know. Yeah, oh man, that would be so good because I would love to see Vince taking part in it. Like, did you find the dagger? Like doing this very best acting. We have to stab the heart. You need to go into the ancient vault of Raelach.

I think what I've stopped, I think at some point I've stopped describing wrestling and started describing shows. Yeah. But it would be cool if it was like shows. What if there was a companion television show to wrestling where they were going on adventures and maybe there were teams. There was a companion character to the undertaker like,

I know I don't have wrestling powers, but I'm here to provide some levity. My name is Dirk Taker. I'm your son. I'm your son and I will find the dagger and I will stop the magic man. Griffin, are there any wrestlers? I turned 17, Dad.

I got my wrestling powers. I'm proud of you, Dirk. I'm proud of you, Dirk. Dad, I'm going to be a nice guy who brings life. What? You disappointed me again, Dirk. He's making a smackdown to APU, son of the undertaker. Everybody, here comes Dirk Taker.

Oh, he's got a dagger. You can't. He took that, Dirk. No, he's got my dagger. Oh, the wizard seems pretty worried about this. For the first time, the wizard is worried. My pair has been compromised. Oh, and it's the wizard's son, Tom.

Hi, I'm Tom. I don't wrestle now. I guess Dirk Taker is swiping his knife at the, we got to call this, guys. Oh, no, the wizard, his skin is melting and the roaches that were ambulating his body, I've just started to disintegrate. That's right.

He was just an ambulating skin shield for a bunch of living roaches. We'll have to see how this affects the rankings or whatever. I'm going to run WWE to the ground just from like budgets on the effects we're going to do for the show. I would want it to be some ratty ass, mid and black, one era, like PlayStation one, low poly,

just sort of dissolving man in the back. That would be so fucking good. God, we should write wrestling. God, they should let us do wrestling. Are there any wrestlers who, their whole gimmick, like their whole thing is that they always seem surprised to be in a wrestling match. Like maybe they were just like a fan

who got up to go to the bathroom or like buy a program or whatever. And then there was like, wait, I'm a what? Huh? Oh, what? Okay, Travis, this is perfect. The character's name is Phil Spigot and he doesn't want to wrestle. Yeah.

And what happens is the wrestlers have to go find him and start the wrestling against his will. And he has like a line for the men's room. Right. He doesn't know the wrestling is about to, that's the problem is that all these wrestlers are waiting until the match starts. If you want to get serious about this,

you need to start finding these people in their daily lives. Yeah. I'm pretty sure. Hey, where's Phil? I don't think he came to the wrestling match. I'm going to his house. I'm going to find him.

I think Braun Strowman was just like getting some pretzels at SmackDown. And they were like, what are you doing, man? Get up there. Look at you, dude. Look at your fucking body. Get out of there. Look at your incredible wrestler's body.

I'm an accountant. Yeah, no accounting for how big a beef you are. Get up there. I'm an, actually, I'm an undertaker. Yeah, we get it. Yeah. No, I mean, I'm like mortician. Well, that's taken.

So you got to pick something else. You got to pick something else, but I am an undertaker. That's taken. It's taken. Can you be a wizard? I don't have powers. Damn it. Fucked out be great.

If like a big, a big wrestler got to be the wizard. Yeah. Just a big beef out. If front blasters show something to the next person, they're like, oh, baby, here we go. Suplex city. He's like, no, I don't do that anymore. Check out my beard.

My huge, mushy, vulnerable beard. He reaches into his fucking knife tattoo on his stomach and pulls out the actual dagger. He's opened a portal to hell. Whoa. Let me guess. You're going to suplex the other guy? I don't do that anymore.

I don't suplex anymore. I use my mind now. I control time with the amulet around my neck, and I have a cape that moves on its own. Why would the wizard go into the ring? That's the question for me. Yeah. If the wizard has these incredible powers,

what storyline reason is there for, he could be just waiting for the wrestler to wrestle somebody else seeing eating some nachos in 37G and then just blaze them, right? Well, the other wrestler said something mean about his girl. Yeah. So he wanted to get, maybe he smooched his mama or something. I don't know.

I haven't watched wrestling since like 1998. That's bad. Let me give you this. His spells are powered by punches. And that's what I said earlier. One spell. Well, no, he's building spell energy. Okay.

So he has to slap the person. You know, sometimes they slap their belly. You love that? It's fun. It seems friendly. It's fun. Now, is it by punching others or getting punched, Justin? It's not even punching, Travis.

It's an open hand belly slap. It's an open hand belly slap. I'm just saying that maybe the wizard's powers are powered by being punched by someone else. Okay. So they have to get punched to power up their powers. That's huge. That's cool too.

I love that. We should write wrestling. Get at us, whoever. I'm just saying wrestling, if you want us to write you, get at us. Get at us. Maybe it has to happen in a geometric shape and they're too lazy to make their own.

So they just use the ring to do it. What if the three of us filmed a sort of indie demo tape of us wrestling using this great fiction, but we did it in the front yard where everyone could see it and then that way, people wouldn't think that like something unsavory is happening. It's in the front.

This is three boys' front yard wrestling with supernatural elements. I was going to suggest that perhaps we were all three wizards. And then I thought, what if that became the thing? Every wrestler is still themselves, but also everyone has powers now. We are basically, this is mortal combat level. Oh yeah, that guy, he studied karate until he became a master

and also can turn into a dragon. They are separate, unrelated, but two things that he can do. He is a very good fighter and also can shoot ice out of his hands. I mean, again, you're just kind of making show now. You're just kind of making mortal combat to TV shows. But also there's a real human element to it.

Okay, that's too late. You fucked up the pitch. No one's going to buy this. We're going to have to fall back on our old funding model advertising. Oh, okay. I thought you were going to say selling plasma. No. I thought we were going to do the Max Fun Drive again,

but I don't think we're allowed to do that. No, Jesse said no. Okay, let's go. You know what I love? What are you, what? Listening to things. And so that is why I enjoy Audible. They got audio books and so much more.

They got original podcasts. They have interviews with people. They got all kinds of cool stuff on there. I recommended this to, I think I recommended it to Justin. And then we passed that on to Dad. And I've passed it on to my friends. Audio book that I thoroughly enjoyed, The Seven and a Half Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle.

Oh my God, it's the best. If you love like mystery novels and you want to hear one like you've never heard before, The Seven and a Half Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle is absolutely incredible and will blow you away. Okay, you haven't recommended this to me. No, I don't know why you guys are having a secret. Stuart Turton, the author of that actually has another audio book. What? Yes, it's called The Devil and the Dark Water that is coming out in October.

So there's another Audible one for you to look forward to. Also, let's say Maureen Johnson's Truly Devious series is incredible. Can't recommend enough. I just listened to James Acaster's Classic Scrapes, which is so funny. It's so good. And listen, let's all be honest. You got some free time, right? We all have a little bit more free time this year than we were expecting.

So why not sign up for Audible? Go to stories.audible.com and you can check it out. You know, you can stream hundreds of ad-free, hand-picked Audible titles completely free, no strings attached. So go check it out by visiting audible.com slash brother or text brother to 500 500. That's audible.com slash brother and check it out. You won't regret it. I promise.

I love you. Whoa. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Oh, it's a weird energy. Well, we got to say that after all our ads now or else people are going to think we're assholes. Well, I mean, listen, I know it's the first time we've said it out loud in each other's

presence, let alone to each other. Well, I thought you were talking about to the audience too. Well, no, no, I am. Oh, let me be clear. That wasn't to you guys. Okay. Well, okay. Let me take this for a spin.

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And together, we host a podcast called Still Buffering, where we answer questions like, Why should I not fall asleep first at a slumber party? How do I be fleet? Is it okay to break up with someone using emojis? And sometimes we talk about birds. No, we don't. Nope. Find out the answers to these important questions and many more on Still Buffering,

a sister's guide to teens through the ages. I am a teenager. And I was two butts, butts, butts, butts, butts. I have another question. Oh, sure. Come on. Sure. Yeah, yeah.

Yesterday afternoon, my roommates and I had a tie dye party where I brought the dyes and we were going to do a bunch of shirts. Of course. At least I thought we were. My roommates both only brought one shirt each and then had fun dyeing some of my old t-shirts as well. Look at their shirts now before washing. I'm 100% certain that one time wrap one is just going to be solid yellow because she used too much dye and I didn't notice.

This is going to be so disappointing, especially since now I have five cool shirts to her one solid yellow shirt. What should I do? Try to fix it before giving it to her. Tell her now almost 24 hours later that I didn't notice she messed up. Throw it away and start a whole new shirt. Please help. I don't have much time before I have to give the shirts back.

Holy shit. This is actually a surprisingly challenging question. Yeah. This is a tough one. That's from tie dyeing for an answer in Chicago. There's a lot of hair on this one. There's a lot of flies in the ointment. Because they only got the one shirt.

They took one crack at it. This was a mistake. You don't show up to a tie dye party with one shirt because that's saying like, hey everybody, it's me, the world's best tie dyer. Sit back and watch me do my fucking thing. It is a cold shot. It is. This one shirt is going to be better than your five.

Yeah. End of it. Like I wouldn't trust myself to do that. It is a competition. You are competing. Yeah. What are you going to tie dye for the fun of it? No.

You tie dye said that you have a good product at the end. Yeah. It's not that fun. It's like. It's made for a child. You know what I mean? For a child, it's fun. But you really want the finished product.

I went, my girl's tie dyed a shirt. Somewhere. Oh God, I can't even forget it's been years. But they were so excited. They tie dyed their shirts. And then they said, now you just leave it in this bag for 24 hours. Are you fucking kidding me? You might as well told my kids to throw this in an incinerator and forget it ever existed

for as long as that sounded. Tie dyeing isn't fun. Some people like it, Justin. A lot of it. I'm saying it's very pleasurable as a craft, but as a layman. It's not fun. Okay. Well, there are many things, Justin.

I would argue that for some people are fun to do and for others are incredibly boring. Sure. This is obviously, do I have to codify everything I say on the show as this is just my perspective, but this is just my skewed view. Right. Here's, here's, let's start doing options. Okay. Number one, you give her the yellow shirt and you say congratulations.

You made a shirt yellow. You didn't do what you were trying to do, but this shirt wasn't yellow before and now it is and isn't that empowering. You have accomplished something. You have accomplished something. You have changed the nature of something. It's very nature. And if they're like a, you know, a bright summer, then it's going to,

this is really going to compliment them. You know what I mean? I love a yellow. I look great in a yellow. It's my favorite color. If you told me, hey Griffin, you didn't, your, your attempt to iron on, you know, this picture of the cast of night court on this shirt didn't go so well, but you did dye it straight yellow.

You smudged the bull and made the shirt straight, just a big stretched out. He looks like a thumb because you smudged his face and now it's just a thumb. No, he takes that. He now take it. Richard Moll takes up the entirety of the shirt, just his bloated, stretched out, ruined face, but. But you, you nailed Laracat. Laracat's great.

He's just on the back. But no, if it's just yellow, then I'd be fine because it's still a good shirt. It's still. But if that wasn't your goal, Griffin, it's like, if I set out to make chicken soup and I ended up with a fine gazpacho, like I think I'd be disappointed and confused, no matter how good this gazpacho was. You have to have, I think you can fix it because when they open it, one, they're going to be so delighted by this amazing thing.

These circles of color, come on. They're going to be loving it. But even if that moment passes and it will, like all pleasure, I don't think they're going to have a moment where they say, wait a minute, did they tie down my tie dye? Well, unless. It's so inconceivable. No, I will not.

I shan't. You have to go. I can't grant you this. You have to go. It's in the contract. Unless unless they didn't want a tie dye shirt. They wanted a yellow shirt. Fuck.

God damn it. I hate. I hate the just once. I like to find some fucking black and white in this world, rather than living my existence in perpetual shades of gray. Yep. But Travis is right. Of course, that's entirely possible.

They just wanted they had a shirt that was one color. They wanted it to be yellow instead. That's entirely possible that you said we're going to tie dye him. They thought, I'm never going to wear a tie dye shirt. But free. But hey, free dye. But hey, free dye. I have been looking for an excuse to turn this shirt yellow.

Hey, can I do a yahoo? Yeah, I love that. We didn't help that person at all. Not a bit. Nope. Not a lick. It's too hard. Can't do it.

I don't think you finally hit something we can't help with. I think it's because we don't know anything about tie dye. No, I don't know if you tie dye on top of tie dye. Once the shirt is yellow, can you dye again? Um, so this can you dye it another day? This yahoo is sent in by the wizard, Emma, can't. What do you think about that? Oh, okay.

Emma, thank you. It's an anonymous yahoo. Why not a wizard? Why not a wizard? This one's by yahoo answers user. They're anonymous. So I'm going to call them Preston asks. Oh, like Preston digitation.

What? Like Preston did Preston digitation. My name is Preston digitation and I'm here to change the world of wrestling. I also flip real good. Look at these flips. They are not magically enhanced. They're physical flips and also lightning. That's hard.

That's hard. If you practice really hard to do cool flips as the wizard wrestler, you have to keep reassuring people that no, I train to do those. Preston asks, if you could combine two sports to make a new sport, which two would you pick and why? There's room right now for a new sport to take off. Football and jousting. Football and jousting is Travis did not even think about it

before he went for football and jousting, which is kind of like polo. Sort of. Walk me through it, Trev. What's it look like? Well, it's you have the big linemen, but they also have big pointy sticks. Does anybody else have pig? Are they on horseback?

No. The wide receivers and the riding backs are sitting on the linemen's shoulders holding big sticks. Like at a pool, but they have big sticks, big pointy sticks. Also, what about water polo and regular polo? That's cool. Now there's horses in the pool. Yeah.

And don't get me wrong. The pool is shallower. The horses can touch the bottom. The horses aren't swimming. So, but yeah, you've basically created the most dangerous sport for if you do fall off the horse. Oh, yeah. You can trample the underwater.

That's a dunski right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the season wrap. Let's think about this, because I think there's some sports that could serve as like a really exciting modifier for virtually every other sport. Yeah. Like I think if we took NASCAR and blended it with literally anything else. Jousting.

That's rough. I'm trying to think of the safety of the athletes, Trav. And I guess I'm alone in that. Okay. Well, then soccer, but with car. No, that's a game, isn't it? That's a game. Yeah, I think so.

You know what? I'm going to say, okay, picture this NASCAR, right? Yeah. And they're going real fast, but in order to win, you have to hit a ramp, pass by a basketball net, and slam dunk it out of the car window. Dunk it. That's cool. See, now we're talking. Yeah, right?

I think NASCAR and just, can I just say the X games? Huh. I would love to see a snowboarding car. Like replace the wheels, I guess with like rails or like skis. Yeah. And now they're doing a big jump. I like the big jumps. I mean, boxing and any other sport is like, now they, but they fight.

It's like baseball, but they fight. Well, they already fight in baseball sometimes, but they're not supposed to. But you can win. You play baseball and you're doing great, but you know, say the angels are down, you know, nine zip bottom of the ninth, and they're like, Hey, wait a minute, let's just fucking get these guys. And so you go over there and you just start punching the other people in the dugout until the ump is like, game angels come from behind victory.

Okay. Here's my pitch. Here's my pitch. This is my pitch. Okay. Combine every sport individually, not like into one big mass. I'm saying like this, like with capture the flag where you're playing baseball, but also in each dugout, right?

There's a flag. And if the other team is distracted and you can get over there and get it. Same with like football, there's a flag on the sidelines. Soccer, there's a flag in the side. Like there's just a flag, but if you could get their flag back over to your side while they're busy playing the game, you win. It's got to be baseball, right? Because I'm thinking about it now.

Every other like of the major sports has had the sexier version made of it. We got slam ball for basketball. We got XFL for NFL, but baseball, I'm not even thinking of it like NASCAR can modify everything better. I'm thinking about baseball needs of that sauce. What's it need? Yeah. What it needs a little bit of that sauce.

And I think having some other sort of excitement on top of baseball is the secret. I got a good one. OK. Shop put and curling. No, wait. Yes, no. Yes, I got it. Discus and curling.

So you're doing your curling, right? And you're scooting the thing down the pipe. And then at any moment, someone could come and scoop up your disc. Hurl it as far as they can. And then your sport has stopped and their sport has begun. So you have to get it over across before someone can storm out of the darkness and take your disc and throw it as far as they can. OK.

It's neat. That's a neat idea. In fact, shop put plus anything is very good. That is true. Like you could be playing football and you're like holding the ball, but you better pass it quick or else someone's going to, a strong person's going to run out of the shadows and grab it as far as they can. And it won't be in a way you like.

I am pretty sure American football is soccer plus shop put, right? Yeah, I'm pretty sure they kick. I'm going to kick the ball. No way. That guy grabbed it and threw it. There's always just big fellas trying to take the ball away from you. That's sort of like inherent. That's like important and important fast of the sport.

What about? I got a great one. OK. What about cross country skiing and rifle shooting? Oh, is this the most dangerous game kind of thing? No, you wouldn't be shooting at each other. You would cross country ski for a while and go for a long time. And so you're kind of racing like that.

But then you get to like a target range, where then you have to shoot a bunch of targets with your rifle. And then you set it down and you just keep on skiing, baby. OK, so how does this, what's the addition here? What do you mean? Like how is this improving both sports? Um, because you're watching people cross country ski. And then you're like, this is getting boring.

Whoa, what are they doing? And then they get out a rifle and they're like, Now there is downhill skiing with lasers, right? I'm doing a joke. You fucking guys. I'm doing a joke because it's called the biathlon. It's a thing. You fucking guys.

But you weren't even, sometimes I do a fucking joke on this show. And it like doesn't work because you guys don't get it. Jokes are interesting. Jokes are interesting. It makes me pretty pissed. It makes me pretty pissed off from being off. Oh no, wait, I've got to wait before we go on. Baseball and ballroom dancing.

You catch the ball and then you have to do a little dance. And you get judged on it. That's good. And you hit the ball and you have to do a little dance before you can run. Or you do the dance while you're running. And you got a samba to the first base. You got a rumba to second base.

Tango to third base. I want a munch. Squat. Squat. Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah. I want to munch. Squat. Squat.

Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah. Welcome to Munch Squat. It's a podcast with a podcast about the ladies and grace of brain eating. I'm going to. Did you say brain eating? Brand eating. I'm trying to do more headlines.

Yeah. Right now, because there's not as many deep dives, but there are some things that I do want to pass on. Okay. To you, vener schitzel. Oh. Is a chain. Okay, so right with that mouth?

Vener schitzel announces line up for new cheesy ooze fest. Oh. Oh, fuck. Vener schitzel. Oh, god. Steal yourself. Ooze fest has arrived at vener schitzel. Oh, god.

And it's going to be epic. Experience unsurpassed deliciousness with the chain's new cheese sauce, taking the spotlight on three fan favorites. It later says in the quote, and this is from the CMO of vener schitzel, Doug Cocobone, we're confident our ooze fest event will be a big hit. If you like cheese, you're going to love these. After one bite, you'll be requesting an encore. Oh, god.

I assume after this, he said, are any of those anything I have other things to do? And the press really says no need to trek to a desert to experience these amazing headliners. That possibility had not occurred. Why would I go there? Vener schitzel. Because this tasty trio will be touring your nearest vener schitzel before a limited time only. Where did the desert come from?

I guess it's a Burning Man thing. What's the desert? That's the festival that vener schitzel has heard about. Hey, Justin, is it EWS ooze? Fucking god. I'm this is a very brief one because it's just a sad story, but I do. This is in the general actual news category. No, Taco Bell was not done with their absolutely like slash and burn crusade against their own

shit. Their scorched earth policy. Yeah, the final revamp of 2020. We're just doing empty shells. No, they're getting rid of Mexican pizza. No. One of the more authentic dishes. Yeah.

At Taco Bell, they're getting rid of Mexican pizza. They're getting rid of pico de gallo and they're getting rid of shredded chicken. Now, if you say you want chicken, you won't be able to specify that you want that shit shredded. You're going to just only have one style of chicken. Wow. Removing this is actually going to trip you out pretty bad. Taco Bell said removing Mexican pizza will help it leave a lighter footprint since the Mexican pizzas packaging accounts for more than seven million pounds of paperboard material

per year in the U.S. Are you what fucking shit? What were crazy for this pizza? What I want to see a graph now with this, which is like human waste of all year, and then one sliver of it is like a not inconsiderable portion is Mexican pizza packaging. Wow. So that's mind blowing.

And our last story, rest in peace shredded chicken. Our last story comes just from the Hershey Company. The Reese's brand is here to save your morning with the new Reese's snack cakes, first of its kind, mid-morning cake treat by the Reese's brand you love. You read that right. A Reese's treat to enjoy in the morning forever. That's what it says. It says forever?

Yep. You read that right. A Reese's treat to enjoy in the morning forever. It does not just mean like this is not a limited time thing, friends. This is called shot forever. What is a research morning cake? Research shows 83% say they have indulged in dessert before noon in the past month. Hey Reese's, can you think of any other fucking reason that might be?

You absolute. The colonel is like, no, no, no, careful. No, no, no. It's the COVID thing. I know I ignored it for six months too before I changed finger looking good. It's the COVID thing. You're wondering right into it. So we had a crazy idea.

Give Reese's fans permission to have cake as a mid-morning snack whenever they want. So Reese's sees us at the bottom of the well in the deep global depression. And rather than extend ahead and down to us to help us swim out, it just starts dumping peanut butter and cake onto us like here. We'll help you. This is helping. I'm helping. Here's a shovel.

Dig down. Dig down. There's got to be something better with Reese's snack cakes. Reese's fans can enjoy a delicious combination of chocolate and peanut butter cream without having to wait until lunch. We wanted to create the perfect treat for Reese's fans to satisfy that mid-morning sweet tooth, said Mike or snacks brand manager. We know sometimes you just don't want to wait until lunch.

That's how Reese's snack cakes were born. It's like the Reese's brand. The first ever mid-morning treat offers real milk chocolate and Reese's peanut butter cream in a two cake pack available December 2020 at convenience stores nationwide. Now you can indulge in a Reese's treat any time of day. What? Consider morning officially saved. Hashtag not sorry.

Okay. First of all. Yeah. That put it over. It's a lot. That was over the top. The hashtag was over the top. It's a lot.

What was stopping me from eating a Reese's cup in the morning? That's fucking clearly nothing because according to your own fucking research, 83% of us are enjoying a little mid-morning. So yeah. So why is now making it a little breadier? Make it okay for me to do. Yeah. And y'all like, listen, you're not looking at these cakes.

They're cakes. You're not make it. This is not like a fucking biscotti. It's like a layer of cake wrapped in chocolate with Reese's on it. It's a dessert. And you're just saying that you can eat it at 10 o'clock in the morning. That doesn't do anything. We give you permission.

I clearly didn't need it when 83% of me was already doing it. Do you think that 17% was waiting on cake? They're just waiting for it. I'd love to eat a Reese's right now, but 17% of us say it's no good. Maybe those 17% will be swayed by cake. Perhaps if cake. That's why I do want it though. I want it.

I want to eat. I'm so hungry looking at it. You have no idea. I would do anything to eat this cake right now. I want a time travel to December 2021. It's done. So I can eat it. You know what?

It's 139 and maybe the vaccine too. You don't know. We might be having celebratory Reese's snack cakes with the delicious. All right, Justin. You can only have one December 2020. What do you pick? The cake for sure. Because the cake might fit.

The cake, we don't know the cake won't fix. Yeah. That's true. The cake, the cake definitely isn't a hoax. Yeah. Let's just leave it at that. Geez. Oh boy.

Oh golly. I will also wait until Reese's gives me permission to get a vaccine. But 83% of you are getting mid-morning vaccines. I'm just waiting for the Reese's scientists to determine that it's safe. Just so you know, Justin, in the future, if you do bring Wienerschnitzel into the Munch Squad, I am going to go because I did now. I was in my hole for a while. Whenever anybody brings up Wienerschnitzel, I climb into my hole.

That exists in my fucking mind palace. It's a rage hole because Wienerschnitzel is a hot dog restaurant. And Wienerschnitzel is not a hot dog. It is a breaded veal cutlet. And the guy that started Wienerschnitzel was like, I need a name for my hot dog place. And then he was looking in one of his wife's recipe books and saw Wienerschnitzel in there.

He's like, that's a great name for my hot dog. Got Wiener right there, doesn't it? It's got Wiener right there in it. And I hope his wife was like, oh, John, stop. Look at the picture, John. I wish you were a more attentive reader and lover. He said when you started the restaurant, quote, no one really wanted to call their company Wienerschnitzel.

Three days later, I said, hell, it's better than John's hot dogs. No, it's not. It's not. It's not. And you know why, John? Because John's hot dogs has hot dogs in it. And I'm pretty sure Nathan's famous hot dogs is a very popular brand.

Yep, it's not Nathan's famous sushi that sells hot dogs. They got the name right. It has the right food in it. Anyway, apparently they sold Wienerschnitzel for a few months in 2017. I assume that was just to get me off their case. Did it work? Nope.

He could see right through it. Hey, guys, be quiet for 30 seconds. Can you do that? Sure. Here you go. Double cheese fries, double cheese chili fries, and a double cheese chili dog. Enjoy.

Wow. Everyone seems to love a ooze fest event. Yeah, we are actually running low on cheese sauce. Weird. I just made a bunch. I'll go check it out. That explains it. At this point, I should just pause real quick to say

that there's a person in a giant hot dog suit and they've got a jacuzzi tub filled with cheese sauce and they're ladling more into it. OK. And they're about to climb into it and they're wearing a towel because they're about to get into the cheese sauce. I'm glad you broke that down for us

because I was confused. Oh, floaties. The towel has dropped from the hot dog while this young man looks on. Dive into all the new cheesy goodness during ooze fest at Wienerschnitzel. So... Do they reference the hot dog's genitals?

Do they say so? Does the dude like... Wouldn't it be amazing if it had another smaller hot dog? I mean, that's what it has to be, Justin. Has to be. Has to be. Thank you for listening. The employee pushes his sunglasses down the bridge of his nose

like... Oh, yeah. Thank you for listening, DeMar. You don't work there if you don't find hot dog sexy. Thanks for listening to... I would actually think you can't work there without later finding... Like, you just handle them so much. It's going to creep its way into your brain.

What is it? The Descend. This has been my brother made to my show for the modern era. Thank you so much for listening. We so appreciate you being here. We... It's new month, which means there's some new merchandise in our store.

Including those bee pens. We got hilarious bee pens back home. Oh, are those out? Fuck those are out. So funny. And so go check that out. And also you can pre-order our book. Yeah.

It's there for sale. It's at Amazon. You can go to macaroypodcastbook.com and pre-order it there. It is a practical how-to guide on how to make a podcast that you are proud of. Everybody has a podcast except you, written by the three of us.

It comes out in January. Pre-order it now, macaroypodcastbook.com. It's also kind of fun. You'll like it. It's fun. I got jokes in it and games for the kids. Don't have games. Thanks to John Roderick and the Long Winters

for using our theme song. It's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. And thank you to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. Go to maximumfun.org. Check out all the great shows there. Shows like Jordan Jesse Goh. Shows like Switchblade Sisters.

And so many more at maximumfun.org. I think that's it. Oh, and check out the besties if you haven't. It's mine and Justin's favorite games podcast that we do with our buds, Russ and Chris. You can find it on Spotify for free. Check it out. The last episode we did was on a bunch of games.

And it was a lot of fun. You want the final? Oh, yeah. This final one was sent in by the wizard, Emma Cant. Thank you, Emma. It's a Yahoo! Answers user, Brian. Whose fucking profile picture is a very intimidating close-up of Santa Claus?

Like he's got this. He actually has his little Santa Claus spectacles pushed down the bridge of his nose, as if he's saying like, oh, yeah. Yeah, I love that hot dog's wiener. So Brian asks, can I order a Subway sandwich deconstructed? My name is Justin.

I'm Travis, man. We talk about Subway a lot, don't we? They do salads. This has been my brother and my brother made. That's Griffin. Kiss your dad. Scrawl on the lips. Maximumfun.org.

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