My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 527: HORSEWAR

Episode Date: September 14, 2020

When we were doing the whole big war, and needed sentient, quadrupedal transportation all hither and yon, they were there for us. Now, in their hour of conflict, it is time for us to return the favor. Saddle up, partners.Suggested talking points: Football Tires, Candy Boys, Teeth for Art, Big Frasier Theory, Crow's Gonna Hacks, Rapidly Aging Nut, Beaver Glands Ways to support Black Lives Matter and find anti-racism resources: https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/Support the Northwest Response Fund to aid those affected by wildfires: https://www.redcross.org/donate/cm/kgwmediagroup-pub.html/Register to vote: https://vote.gov/

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? It's familiar, but not too familiar, but not too not familiar. It's a new craze. And the girls, do you want to just say, hey, I wanna, just say, hey, I wanna. Hello, everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother, me and the device show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

I'm your middlest brother, Travis. Oh, no, I'm Griffin McElroy. Travis, what's the matter partner? What's wrong? I didn't get the call. You know, today, when we're recording this, it's the first official game of the NFL 2020 season. Oh, yeah. Once again, I didn't make the cut. Oh, no. You've been practicing so hard. Yeah, but I don't get to feel up the pig skin. You can't fondle the pig and you got the tire in the backyard that you throw the football through. I flip the tire and then I throw the football through it. And then I run around and I catch it. Stomp through it. Most of your practice is tire based. I remember when me and Justin and you were playing out in the field and you found that tire and you picked it up and you said,

now I can play football. Well, it was a magical tire or else what was it doing in that field? You know what I mean? Yeah, there wasn't a car for miles. We were confused when you said this tire is the key to football. Yeah. But then we watched you practice with it. You work so hard. Your body looks so crazy. And I didn't get the call. I didn't get the call. And so another season and I thought this year is like COVID-19 is out there and so maybe they'll need more people. Yeah. Maybe it'll be like that situation where that one bartender from Philadelphia and they were like, hey, you come play for us, but nobody called me. That movie's wild because it's like if this fucking dude could play football,

why not Travis with his magic tire? Right. I waited. I waited by the fun. Every day I even drafted myself to my ding-dang fantasy football league and now I look like a total tit. Yeah, you're probably not going to get many points off your own, your own sweatier, your brow. Travis, I'm sorry. They won't let me write in my points. Say like, well, today I played touch football and I scored three touchdowns. So that's 2021. This should have been your year though. It should have been. If not this year, you know. No one's even got to be watching, you know what I mean? Because like they can't go to the stadium. No. Right. And so you would think that they would be like, let's try some weird stuff this year. This would be the year for like a donkey that

kicks field goals, right? If they're ever going to do it. Yeah. Our Tony Danza, the incredible field goal kick and garbage man. What is that? I think you nailed it. I think that's what you're talking about. I mean, baseball is having fun with that. I don't know if you guys have been keeping track. I'm not one to follow the sports news, but I did see a story today that the Atlanta Braves won a game yesterday with a big 29 runs. So it feels kind of like they were just like, guys, let's just have fucking fun. This doesn't count. None of this counts. Let's just have fun with it. Why don't you throw a few, a few slow boys down the plate? Let me get a few grand Salamis and next time I'll let you do it because none of this fucking counts or matters.

It has just occurred to me that there was never an equivalent of like rookie of the year, but for like the NFL where it's like, hey, that nine year old threw that football pretty good. Get him in here with all these like 400 pound men. Or I mean, in the NFL version of rookie of the year, he would be huge. And that would be his thing is that he would be like a linebacker and he would be the Hulk. He would be like 10, but he's 10 years. He's a 400 pound 10 year old, just monster, absolute unit of a lad. The garbage picking field goal kicking Philadelphia phenomenal is the full name of the film starring Tony Danza as a garbage man that is good at football. And that's got to have great SEO. You know what I mean? So easy to remember, clear to search for.

Was the story of that movie, can you believe this professional sanitation worker can also be an athlete? They give they give an average guy a shot at the NFL. Why they make him the kick? Well, because he's the kicker. So here's no, but I mean, even then was it just like, Hey, that guy, let's see if he can do it. If I have like Vegas fucking fragment of a memory of him kicking like water bottles really far. And they're like, yes, this translates. Yes, you are that guy. Half of the players in the real life NFL is because somebody saw them like throwing fish at the fish market or like tackling a bear. Yeah, that guy's really good at tackling. Scouts will sometimes just go to the tire store

and watch how people shelf tires and move tires around. And they're like, that's football, baby. The the end of that film, I pulled up the Wikipedia page to get the right name. At the end of that film, the holder of the football fumbles the snap and Tony Danza grabs it and scores the game winning touchdown. So even the creators of the garbage picking field gold kicking Philadelphia phenomena agree that a kick is too boring of a way to end a fit. It's just not interesting enough. It has to be a touchdown. You can't just make it a good kick. That's nothing. I mean, I would why disagree because I would watch a game that's just kicks that's just kicking back if you just feel gold after just a shootout soccer. Yeah. Wait, what now?

But the ball would be super silly. Like they wouldn't that's what I love about the American put a little water in it. The European football is like spherical in a way that is sort of like geometrically pleasing to some. But I love the way that when American football hit the ground, it's like, good luck, fuckers. I want I want more weird balls in sport. And by which I but when I say that, I don't really want it that bad. I really feel like in order for sport to move me these days, you need to score 29 big, big runs in a single game because that fuck. Yeah. Now we're playing some like broken, you know, MLB 2K on the dream transformed into placeball. Yes, essentially. If I may, here's here's what I think would really if I might fix football in 2020,

yeah, get more people watching cosmic football, a lot more like, you know, after hours bowling alley, where everything's like, you know, black light and like neon and like maybe you play some like, especially funky music, PG 13 music, you know, Cuban shuffle, where you're not sure where the sexual part is, but it sounds pretty good. Sounds good. And that's great trap. Say, is part of your plan also maybe make the field a little bit shorter, maybe get rid of some of the penalties, and then maybe have a sort of strict opinion about political demonstrations on the way to their offense, McMahon, or and wait, in XFL, is there like the ball is black light? Yeah, yeah, it is. No, no, so you can make sure everybody did wash their hands. Safety is for

safety. Oh, but you like all the uniforms are plaque, right? But but you put some like neon reflective tape on to make them look like stickman running around all our skeletons. Oh, yeah, for the Halloween season, you can dress up, you can do your own costume. Yes, that's cool. That would be like when we played mascot football, when when I was I played mascot football at a River City locomotives indoor arena football game. And I was Cal Bunga, the Cal for WTCR, and I went out there on that beautiful field. And it was my it was my crowning achievement, because I did run in a beautiful touchdown, but I only accomplished it because Louis the lightning bug sacked the fucking shit out of Shony Bear and sent her poor head flying

10 yards down the field. I've been in that cow costume visibility is low. It is limited. It was an incredible catch. It was it was it'll be the end of my movie. Nothing I've done after that is going to be better. But it's also going to be the start of Louis the lightning bugs movie because he really made Shony Bear eat fucking mud. There's a scout who's like, give me that lightning bug. He tackles good, but then he can only tackle in the lightning bug costume. You got to play it safe around me. Is Louis the lightning bug a universal reference or a local reference? We'll find out, won't we? Should we do question? I'd love that. Thank you so much. Sorry, I'm really excited about all the good munch squad. I have this this episode. I feel

like I've been seeing a lot of munch squad in the ether. I feel like people are just been saved up in the pipe. It's so I almost don't want to go away. No, no, you can't do that. You can't listen. Just rip it, baby. Give me a couple throughout the show. Can we do that? Can we just do a couple throughout the show? Okay. Munch. Okay. Munch squad. It's podcast within podcast profile and latest grace and brand eating. There's just so much going on that I need to talk about. You guys hear about the Candyman? What? Don't say it again. Candyman is the is David Klein. He is the creator of the Jelly Belly. Okay. Oh, I heard about this. So he not Jelly Belly's themselves, but the creator of the Jelly Belly who kind of struck

out on his own after I assume selling the brand for a lot of a lot of money. The Candyman is you said it three times. Okay. I knew you were just I wanted to get it out of the way. So I'm I'm I beat you to it. So he is doing a Willy Wonka style Jelly Belly Willy Wonka style treasure hunt where he is going to give away a candy factory. If you find the golden tickets that he has hidden around. Okay. He couldn't even like take it and turn it and twist it. He just said like like he watched like Willy Wonka with his kids and said, ah, fuck it. And he's just going to like copy and paste Willy Wonka's whole deal. No. No, Travis. He's not. He's going to mix it up quite a bit. There is a gold ticket hidden in one in each state

as I understand it. Yeah, I will now tell you the particulars of this contest. And this is I'm reading directly from the gold ticket.com how to play each treasure hunt game will have a game location and a start date and cost $49.98 to play. And then it says, this is the cost for the rental. This is the cost for the riddle. This is the it says in parentheticals. This is the cost for the rental. The registered person who purchased the game will be signed up in a private forum. You must have a Facebook account. The day and time your treasure hunt starts, you will receive the riddle in your group. You will be looking for a gold ticket in the form of a necklace with a tag that includes a code you need to verify your find winners will

receive $5,000. Gold ticket codes must be submitted to the email address. All treasure hunt players will be eligible to join in on the ultimate treasure hunt where I give away one of my candy factories. Okay, but okay, in real life, though, getting that candy factory means now you have employees to worry about and like payroll taxes and like fucking workman's comp and OSHA and shit. It's not like, yes, let's fold this river of chocolate. Oh, everything's eatable. I think OSHA gives a little bit of just a it gives a bit of clearance to candy factories if Willy Wonka's film is to be believed. I think OSHA is like they're doing something wonderful and whimsical over there. Let's just let them do what they need to do to make these jelly beans.

Yeah, I mean, assuming sorry, I got a little bit distracted because I was absolutely paying the $50. I need to get in on this incredible treasure hunt. Guys, don't get it twisted. $50 is the is the cost for the riddle. Okay. So I'm pretty excited. You could take this for West Virginia. That's what I feel like. I feel like I've got a pretty good shot here. What's stopping you from paying the $50, getting the real and then just blasting that out to our millions and millions and millions of listeners. Oh, that's a good idea because that's because I paid the cost for the riddle. Right. That's not the no prize to enter or like, you know what I mean? Like, anyone can enter, but if you want the riddle, you pay $49. I'm assuming that you have to pay

the $49.98 to get the riddle, but I'm not going to give the riddle away for free. I wouldn't do the candy bean like that. He and I are going to be working in very close concert when I start doing the candy factory the way I want to do it. Yeah. What kind of big changes do you got planned, Justin, for the for the Jelly Belly brand? It's okay. I can't stress this enough. This is in no way connected to the Jelly Belly brand. Candyman is a different guy and he's sold Jelly Belly. He's sold Jelly Belly. Jelly Belly has no, there's going to be people walking up to a factory like, I'll take this one. Like, no, we're not doing, that's not the thing. So what does he produce in his many factories? Do you want me to list the products of candymankitchens.com?

There's crime scene candy and blood and claws. Ew, God. That's one. That's one that you can get. You know what? Just leave it there, Jayman, because now I want to win so I can shut it down. Shut it all down. Make this stuff ethically. Do it different. I believe in farm to table blood clot candy. It's a quote. The world needs this right now. Okay. We have received thousands of comments from people who say this has come at such a perfect time. We've received thousands of comments of like, please give me candy factory. I need this. I was just thinking about how if somebody did a Willy Wonka, it would really start fixing shit. Yeah, that would fix it all. So I'm so excited about that. I will keep you guys abreast of my progress.

Okay. This will be the greatest Riddle Me piss of our generation. And maybe the last one. So the stakes are very high. Yeah. If I win, you can't do it on me piss anymore. And if you win, I assume you're retiring from my brother, my brother. Oh, the show's done. The show's done. Oh, it shows over here. I have a candy factory. Like, it'll be Justin's candy factory, but I'm assuming you will let us sort of, you know, join the board at least and we can. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You'll be on the board for sure. I need to get my wisdom teeth out soon and I'm looking to sell them to an artist.

I'm really tight on money right now. And as an artist, I love supporting other artists. The issue is, I don't know how to find any artists looking for teeth. I looked everywhere and no one is buying. How much should I sell them for? How can I sell my teeth so I can eat through a straw for a while? That's from Strap for Cash in St. Paul, Minnesota. Or Minneapolis? Minnesota. Minneapolis is the city in the so-called city. There's so much going on in this question. I don't get out of the house anymore. I've been to this place, but it's about a faint memory.

There's so much going on. My favorite thing about this question, what makes me love this question, is that you question ask or we're like, and so I'm going to sell them to an artist. Don't get it twisted. No artists are buying them. So this is a wholly created scenario. I'm going to search Craigslist for teeth. Okay. There's 287 results. Okay. For teeth. Here is a. I'm going to check eBay for human teeth. Yeah, I should have. I don't want to just make something up. I should have been more specific.

Well, here's. Okay. I got a lot of. Okay. Okay. All right. Let's all explain sort of. The price isn't. Okay. Have you found prices? Travis, you're not looking at prices. No, I'm not. Okay. Let's say 20 teeth. Okay. What would you, what do you think they go and set is on that? 20 teeth? 20. Are these adult teeth or baby teeth? These are a lot. I'm looking at the very first result. How many in so, so much? Shut up. Shut up.

Shut up. Shut up. It does specify pre-owned. Oh, okay. Good. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay. Okay. Glad that mystery is clear to. Okay. Okay. Lot of human teeth. The very first result. Lot of human teeth. This is the new one. Don't watch. I'm just going to talk about. Okay. Lot of human teeth. 20 teeth. What are you going to pay for these teeth? What do you think the. I'm going to say 200. 200 for the lot. Current bid is $50. Okay. There is. Now, that's not a buy it now.

There is a buy it now. I have eight fucking grotesque teeth that I'm looking at that you could buy for 35 bucks. They are vulgar and they make me want to throw up. Now, there's a really, this says nice set of human teeth for crafts. Uh-huh. Hand selected 27 count. Intact crowns with some signs of minor decay and incomplete root formation to perfect. Perfect teeth. Now, this is 27 perfect teeth. What are you going to give me? 27 perfect? Perfect teeth. There's a buy it now. Uh, I'm going to say, okay, I was way off last time. Yeah. I'm going to say $100. Wow. $125.

So, that's where we're at price-wise. So, let me just run the. Also, back door, welcome to my new pitch for a spinoff of Antiques Roadshow. I brought in my teeth. Oh, these are excellent. These are, this is uh, yeah, this is, this is colonial style. I love this. If we're doing four wisdom teeth, then at most, if we're using this, you're going to be able to sell them for 18 and a half bucks. Which ain't nothing, but it's also, I don't know, not a lot to pay rent or whatever. You've got to look at the market, right? Because you've got to think, baby teeth are probably way down there, right? A lot of baby teeth floating around. Everybody's

got them. You know, like you had them at some point, you lost them at some point. It is guaranteed that there will always be more and more baby teeth on the market. Then right after that has to be wisdom teeth, right? Like. Yeah. Wisdom teeth is the thing that comes in and almost everybody gets removed. You've got to think top dollar is going for like front adult teeth. Chrome folks teeth. Yeah. Yeah. Like those front four. This reframes the popular holiday song I only want for Christmas is my two front teeth. And it's like, don't be so fucking, like I want a Nintendo 64 for Christmas. Like we don't always get the

things that we want. That would be like $500 for two front, the best teeth are your two front teeth. Maybe incisors. I might give you incisors because incisors, you only got four of them. Yeah. And they do a lot of the ripping and tearing work, right? Molars, that's all grinding, right? A lot of those that are in the back, you don't even see them as much. Incisors though, I feel like maybe those are the money teeth. Yeah. It's hard to say. I've decided, I've just made a decision. Okay. I'm going to set up. Okay. Yes. This will be good. I'm going to set up a program. Oh boy. I, Justin McElroy, will buy the teeth for $100. Question asker, please give me your Venmo

information. I'll Venmo you the teeth for a enormous breach of $100 power dynamics. I feel it. No, listen. Yeah, there's a condition. Hold on. There's a part two. Okay. If you are an artist, please email us with the subject line, I will use the teeth and then tell us in as much detail as possible your plans for the teeth. Oh boy. We will then read some of these on the program and choose the best use of the teeth that we will then legally own and arrange shipping from the tooth holder to the artist. Now, I want to stress something. Me and Travis have nothing to do with this. Yes. One, legally Griffin and I are not a part of this. Two, anyone listening to this who's like,

I'd sell my teeth. This is a one time thing. So one time deal. We're not going to set this show up as a black market tooth exchange. Just this one time. And if, listen, if you are not a legitimate artist who B does not have a legitimate use for these because you know we're we'll be all over you for pictures and descriptions by the moment. Use of the teeth. I want to, I want to, I'm going to need all the details. So do not try to weight into this. Like you're just going to pick up teeth craft. I need a real artist who has a real great idea. Hey, are we going to these teeth? Are we sure that this is entirely legal? It doesn't feel so much legal to me. Because we're paying our human being for part of their body

and then we're giving yet. No, correct. I'm sending $100 to a friend who will then be so inspired by my generosity that they're going to mail their teeth to a stranger. Oh, that's all that's happening here. At no point are you going to touch these teeth. At no point. Well, I can't stress this enough. I at no point want to see or possess these teeth until they are. The deal is tell their art until their art. And then I double don't want them. Yeah, then you need to donate that shit to a museum in it belongs in a museum of yucky. So I don't want the teeth. I don't want to see the teeth until the art is. And then I still don't want not in person for sure. No, but this is a tooth patronage. Please follow up. Just reply to your first email with your

payment information. I will buy the teeth on consignment. No, no, you will send them a gift of a hundred dollars. Yes, stipend with the understanding that you will then send the teeth to a deserving artist who would just love those. And I swear to God, if somebody's like, I'm going to glue them to Mona Lisa. That's fucking funny. That would look funny. Stop it. Don't waste our time. You're keeping real artists who really need real teeth, real bad from our our awareness. So please don't don't do that. Here's can I get an email address, by the way, it's mbmbamatmaximumfund.org. And just make sure the subject line is I will use the teeth in all cases. And hey, let's not make it weird. Okay, everybody. Let's keep it pretty chill.

Let's keep it like cool and nice. Nothing weird with these teeth. What if it turns out there's a huge tooth demand, though? I thought you're going to say a huge tooth, like you get the teeth in and it's like, oh, what the fuck? This was a deep brew. Can I do a Yahoo that was sent in by Johannes? Yes. Okay, thank you, Johannes. It's from an anonymous Yahoo Answers user. I'm going to call Dr. Teeth, who asks, this question is so powerful. Well, which actors would have played Frasier if Frasier could regenerate like the doctor on Dr. Who? Yes. Yes. Dr. The Frasier is at an opera chandelier, snap falls from the ceiling, smashes him, smashes him. The only way to kill Frasier. The only way that Frasier can be killed.

And then everybody's like, oh, no, Frasier, he's dead. But then he starts to glow. Kelsey Grammer turns into John Lithgow. I was also thinking John Lithgow. Boom. Amazing. Amazing. John Lithgow, a second chandelier, whoops, now right on Johnny Boy. He starts to fucking glow again. This time, he turns into Justin. He turns into Justin. No, it doesn't turn. I have to name an actor now. Yeah, you are not even thinking of one. Come on, play the fucking game. Get your head in the game, boy. This is a game, boy. Daniel Radcliffe. No. Oh, no, Travis, you can't. No, we only yes on this show. Okay, I missed the question. I mean, you guys sound insane to me right now.

Wait, you missed the question? You guys sound so wild. I just missed the question. Don't tell him the question. Just I want more answers to the question. Daniel Radcliffe is crushed by. What have you heard so far, Justin? I heard John Lithgow is something about a chandelier. Get perfect. Do you know everything you need to know? Daniel Radcliffe is tragically smushed by a third, even bigger chandelier. His body starts to glow and he transforms into. Larry Bird. Oh, an interesting choice that I don't hate. Now that might seem like a stunt choice. But Larry Bird, I will say this probably knows a lot

about wine. I don't hate it, Juice. I don't hate it, Juice. How does wine figure you? You're never going to believe this. The first chandelier. Who would you partner with Larry Bird? No, because there's not two doctors on Dr. Who. No, but Dr. Hoon, there's wine is involved. Okay. Okay. The first chandelier. Dr. Hoon gets new companions, though. That's true. The first chandelier. It's got to be Jordan, by the way. I'd love to see the two of them. I could hang with that. The first chandelier zips back up to the ceiling and then falls on Larry Bird, tragically killing him, but his body starts to glow and then he transforms into who next, Justin? Well, can I give you another point of data, Justin? What I was going to say

and maybe see if this will inform the next choice? Give me a hint. Yeah. Richard Dreyfus was the one I was going to say next. Richard Dreyfus is a very, I will say this, Travis, a very dry choice. And I'm going to squish him basically immediately. Okay, that's fair. Richard Dreyfus transforms into who next, Justin? In this classic role that is not Dr. Who. Aliyah Shawkat. Huh? Holy shit. I don't watch the fuck out. Yeah, I mean, I've watched the fuck out of that. Would, okay, let me see if I can phrase this in a question that won't give it entirely away. Is that, would there be any dramatic changes to the personality of this classic character as played by Aliyah Shawkat? Or are we just going straight down the middle?

Shorter? Yeah, I mean, yeah. Or, urbane? Probably more urbane. More urbane. Not possible. Okay, um, eriodite? More eriodite. More eriodite. Holy shit. Wow, fucking. Wait, let me make sure that word means. It's going to be off the charts. Oh man, I was trying to google the definition for eriodite and I googled the definition for eriodite, which is so embarrassing on like three different levels at the same time. Eriodite. Um, so, I mean, Justin, we'll go ahead and tell you, we are talking about Frasier, and I think Aliyah Shawkat is Frasier is one of the boldest sort of choices you. Okay, I put it right up there with Larry Bird though, who I think right there,

Larry Bird was announced, and I think a big part of the audience was like, no thank you stunt casting. But like, it wasn't stunt, he auditioned. He said, don't give it to me just on my name, give it to me based on merit. He auditioned, nailed it. Even Kelsey Grammer was like, that's more, like, he's more Frasier than, he's Frasier's. And so they gave it to Larry Bird and Larry Bird did great. He ran for nine seasons. I think that most television sitcom producers are cowards. Yeah. Because, look, let me hit you with this. Season three finale of Fresh Prince of Bel Air. They fucking, Aunt Viv is like walking down the stairs and then like trips and goes over and

falls horribly and is just dunzies. And Fresh Prince is like, oh no. But then she transforms into a different actress. And that's the way that they fucking write that out. That's how they write that off. You don't just do a switch, fucking two and a half men. Well, I guess they did do a sort of in fiction thing with two and a half men. But not to say he didn't just regenerate into a different character. That's fair. Because here's the thing, Dr. Who, that was bullshit they made up to recast the part, right? Yeah. It's not like, well, it's just true about time lords. No, they fucking made that up. Anyone could make that up. Anyone can do it. You guys want to hear the fucking best? I actually have the best casting for Frazier and Niles. Okay. Okay.

This is what would happen if it was getting rebooted today. I'm going to get Johnny Galecki and Jim Parsons as Frazier and Niles. I love it. They're back. They're back together again. The big bangs are banging once more. And get Kaylee for Daphne. Now, Justin, it just kind of feels like what you're doing is recast. You're both rebooting Frazier, but also Big Bang Theory. This is sort of your back door. My ambialicus Ross. My ambialicus Ross. Easy. Okay. You're just kind of slamming Big Bang Theory and Frazier together and seeing what noise it makes. I'm just hearing the wet slap of Frazier and Big Bang Theory just kind of running into each other in your large head. Who plays Martin, Justin? Will Wheaton. Okay. And who plays the dog, John Ross

Bowie? John Ross Bowie is back with Christine Bransky was on Big Bang Theory. Okay. Perfect. You guys know a lot about Big Bang Theory. I think she was probably also on Frazier. You guys know a lot about Big Bang Theory. Thank you, girl. You hope somebody's going to notice. Uh, let's take a quick break. Oh, wait. Hold on, Justin. Carson's Galecki. Which one's which? Which one's Frazier? Which one's Niles? True West. True West, baby. It's true Westing it. True Westing it, baby. Every episode's a true West. And so they swap episode to episode, not halfway through each episode. Interesting. No, every commercial break this. That's the best option.

There's very distinct glasses. That's great. Maybe they have hats that they always wear. Let's take a quick break and then we'll be right back with more great content. Holy shit. Smooth. Do you guys remember when Kelsey Grammer fell off that stage? Oh, yeah, baby. Every single day. Hey, Griffin. Yay. Bring me some food. Nope. You're too far away from me. No, I'll tell you what food I want. Okay. And I'll give you money for it. Right. But you have to bring it to me. No, you're several thousand Niles away. That sucks. What am I supposed to do? Starve. Damn it. Or use DoorDash. You could do DoorDash.

Oh. Yeah, that's the other app. What is this DoorDash you mentioned? Oh, it's the app that brings food that you're craving right now to your door. It's weird that you're asking me all this because it is in the copy points. And so I think like if this is a- Oh, wait, you're reading from something? If this is like a need that you need filled, there's literal text information in front of you. It's really easy to use it. Just open the DoorDash app and you choose what you want to eat. And then your food will be left safely outside your door with the new contactless delivery drop-off setting. And then you have all your favorite local restaurants that are open for delivery. And you just- I haven't gotten any new food into my house

since March of 2020. Oh, no. That's not good. You should- Well, you should be getting more food, but also DoorDash is a really great way to do it. And right now our listeners can get $5 off their first order of $15 or more and zero delivery fees for their first month when you download the DoorDash app and enter the code BROTHER. That's $5 off your first order and zero delivery fees for a month when you download the DoorDash app in the App Store and enter code BROTHER. Don't forget, one last time, that's BROTHER for $5 off your first order with DoorDash. Hey, Justin. What's up? I want you to make me a website. I don't know how to make a website. Well, I'll tell you how to make it. And then if anything breaks on it, you'll be there to help me fix it 24-7. How's that sound? That's a

huge amount of pressure, Travis. I don't think I can- Well, I need you to use some beautiful templates. And I need help showcasing my work and selling products and services of all kinds. And I assume you offer analytics that help me grow in real time? I can barely do the website. What fucking good are you then? I'm just going to use Squarespace. You can get it. Hey, you can both get out of here. From now on, I got two brothers, DoorDash and Squarespace. That's it. Those are the only brothers I answer to, and I look forward to spending Christmas with them. Wow, this is so combative. Hey, Squarespace, I love you. We're blood now. Thank you for helping me promote my physical or online business. Thank you for having everything optimized for mobile

right out of the box. Thank you for free and secure hosting and nothing to patch or upgrade ever. You've always been there for me, unlike my two lazy brothers who will neither bring me food nor build me a website. So everyone else, leave your friends and family behind and join the family Squarespace with open arms. Go to squarespace.com slash my brother for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use the offer code my brother to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Squarespace, all the family you'll ever need. It says that. It says only us, no one else, or else we'll know and it's over. It says turn over all your physical belongings to Squarespace where all the family you'll ever need. Wild. That says that. It does. I don't think that's good.

I mean, listen, from my experience so far, it's all the family I need. Okay. Hi, my name is Graham Clark and I'm one half of the podcast stop podcasting yourself, a show that we've recorded for many, many years. And at the moment, instead of being in person, we're recording remotely and you wouldn't even notice. You don't even notice the lag. That's right, Graham. And the great thing about this, go ahead. No, you go ahead. Okay, go ahead. And you can listen to us every week on maximumfun.org or wherever you get your podcasts, your podcasts. Can I do another Yahoo that was sent in by a lot of people? Give me that big, dirty, stinky Yahoo. Jesus. This one was sent in by several people,

like I said, it's an anonymous Yahoo answers user who I'm going to call Tammy asks, is it impolite not to open the window when a crow who used to be my friend knocks on it? Wait, I used to be friends with a crow in my street. He comes to my window for snacks and has sometimes brought me cool rocks. But last week, he saw me walk my dog and hacked at him. My dog was so scared. I'm extremely mad at the crow now and can't even look at him. He doesn't get snacks anymore. But now he started to knock on my window. I feel so impolite not opening, but I am still angry. Should I maybe wait until he is sorry or apologizes in some way? Well, that's neither of those are going to happen. Yeah, I will tell you Griffin, for a second there,

I thought what the question asker meant was, this is my friend, he died and is now a crow. Oh, interesting. Yeah, and he keeps knocking on my window. Let me tell you this, Tammy, your mistake here was you forgot that at the end of the day, no matter how many shiny stones or snacks you exchange with this crow is still a crow. And crows is going to hacks at dogs. Yeah, right? This is this is kind of like the frog and the scorpion where the scorpion is like, hey, give me a ride. And the frog is like, no way, dude, you're a scorpion. And he's like, no, it's cool. If I kill you, I'll die too. And then he does kill him and he dies too. And he's like, you forgot I was a scorpion. Except this is like the Tammy and the

crow where Tammy was like, hey, be my buddy. And the crow is like, you absolutely got it. Also, I'm going to peck your fingers. And you're like, oh, crow. It's like, yeah, I'm a fucking crow, dude. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. Here's a shiny pebble or whatever the fuck. Did you read this? There's an internet story, one of those like, nature is beautiful. There was like this crow that befriended a family or something. And then one day the family like dropped their camera lens cap off of like a thing. And they're like, oh, no. And then like the next day, the crow had brought it back to them. And that's fucking great, man. Tell me, tell me another one, Papa. A crow was really there for them.

Hey, Papa, will you tell me one about the war? Well, one time I was down in a foxhole, really, my sweetie, and when I woke up the next morning, a crow had flown my girlfriend to Germany. Same crow? Yeah, we made love while the crow watched. That was the deal. Whoa. That was kind of the one stipulation. So it's like War Crow, the 2011 movie. Did you guys ever see War Crow? My girlfriend got pregnant and we named the baby the crow. Did you guys ever see War Crow by Steven Spielberg? The movie with that wartime couple made love in front of a crow? It had an extended 49-minute long foxhole-based sex scene while it was actually a grackle that they cast, a stunt grackle. Just watched the whole thing. And is, I guess, inspired a generation?

Yep. I have seen some crows around my place lately. I was driving home a couple weeks ago and there was like 20 crows lined on the road blocking my return to my home. You know what that makes? That was extreme. Yeah. Gonna be a long cold summer. Long cold summer. But the thing I want to say about crows is when you see a crow in real life, they look, it doesn't look like they should be that big. They're extremely big and when you see a crow, it's kind of like, whoa, are you sure? Yeah. The first time I saw a crow was in War Crow and I wasn't expecting them to have four legs and big, meaty haunches and a very long head. Is War Crow especially big or is it just

he's got a lot of heart? He's got a lot of heart. That's both. It's both. He's very large and he cares a great deal. Well, his physical heart is far too big and that's why he dies in the movie. But then they make an apartment out of his heart at the end of James and the Giant Peach? I haven't seen War Horse. Then what's this? That's a sequel. I haven't seen War Horse but I assume from the title, it means it's the first and only horse used in war and that must have been very disconcerting for everybody on the battlefield the first time in the fuck out of here. What are we doing? Can we throw it? What are you supposed to do with that? I'm afraid I'm going to, I'm trying to shoot humans. I'm going to get a beautiful horse.

That would be fair. If I was on the other side, right? If I was the enemy and suddenly I just saw a horse walking towards me, I would lower my gun and be like, hey now, what's up? But then that horse pulls out a gun, shoots me like, oh shit. I feel like using a war horse is an abuse of the beautiful relationship between human and horse. They trust you implicitly, your souls are intertwined. You shouldn't be leading them to battle against other humans because they will but they're going to be up that night like, well, unless it's reciprocated. If there's a war between horses, horse gets the brain out. The sequel to War Horse is horse war. Yeah, horse war is the sequel and the horse is like, I will take you to kill these men. But you must promise me that when

my people go to war, you will be there. I will be riding your back at that time. I will ride you into battle, Jeff. This is my steed, Jeff. Whatever you say, butterman, you got it. All right. Jeff, it's a butterman. Um, the time has come. What? The time has come. Oh, really? Holy shit. Yeah, dude. The fracture between the Calgrani and the Bilitoosh has gone too far. There will be no peace. You, Jeff, saddle up, Jeff. Do you have the long stick of far death? My gun? Yeah, we still, yeah, I still have that. Bring it. I've seen what it does. I bet it will be effective on horse flesh. Now put on the saddle, Jeff. No, not on me. No, we've covered that Jeff, that butterman will be riding Jeff. That's established canon at this point. Don't make

horses go to war. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, I want a munch. Squad. I want to munch. What can munch squad's podcast in the podcast profile in the latest and greatest brand eating? We have already talked about the Jelly Belly treasure hunt that has nothing to do with Jelly Belly, and now it's time for a shallow break good times. Come on. Sorry, a what? It's a shallow break shallow break. Okay, wait, can I guess? He just chose Crab Shack? No, sir. Planners unveils a collaboration to celebrate baby nuts. That's what they went with baby nuts? Yeah, bud. So Mr. Peanut didn't die as he was supposed to, but at the same time, Mr. Peanut

apparently has had a child this whole time named Baby Nut, but Baby Nut turned 21 and is now Peanut Junior. Wait, are you with me so far? Absolutely not. Okay. Is this like one of those timelines things where like one comic book series is about Wolverine, but one is about like Logan before he became Wolverine and one is about like Weapon X or these all happening at the same time? Mr. Peanut had a son. The son was named Baby Nut. The son turned 21 and became Peanut Junior. He's got Jack disease. No, he's 21 years old. So wait, Mr. Peanut had this son 21 years ago, and this is just the first time we're hearing about him? Was he born out? Have you been paying that close of attention to Mr. Peanut? Like in every ad, if he's like, and also I have a son.

Anyway, you peanut. Oh, I see what you said. I will say that this actually makes sense that one time I was watching, it was like, we got all kinds of nuts and then it makes sense. And then he opens a letter and he reads it and he kind of crumbles it up and he's like, I'm not ready to accept this responsibility. And now I understand what that was in reference to. If this much squad were a loading screen, it would be a 3% progress. I must move on. Mr. Peanut has a son. His name was Baby Nut. He turned 21 and became Peanut Junior. Okay, yeah. To celebrate this, planners today unveiled a limited edition run of beer flavored peanuts co-branded with natural light as part of a marketing stunt surrounding the rapidly aging spokes nut. Planners and natural

light beer flavored peanuts. Hey, um, hey press release, you can't just throw in a term like rapidly aging and not make me think of like a Star Trek episode or Dr. Who. Like, listen, he'll be dead within the week. Let him have this. So the natural, I don't want to be classist, but natural light isn't the best tasting liquid. There's other liquids that I think are superior and taste. In fact, other liquids in the beer family. In fact, other liquids in the cost effective, low cost beer family that taste maybe even just a little bit better than old natty light. Um, so strange, strange fellows. Uh, perhaps a Miller Highlife. It is the champagne of beers. I would take that. Or perhaps a PBR, well known hipster brand. Yeah. Um, Justin, what else?

I'm trying to piece this all together, but planners. So baby nut. So, okay. All right. I'm trying to piece this together. Justin, you've got a lot of string tied up on this board here with a lot of pictures going between it. Please explain. Right. Okay. So remember when Mr. Peanut died? Yes. Yeah. Okay. The worst, worst day of my fucking life. So at that time, baby nut is what more from the corpse of Mr. Peanut, as I understand it. Yeah. I didn't want to correct you. I didn't want to correct you. I didn't want to get the death of Superman. Then there was Super Boy and the last cooked on. Right. And, uh, I believe Steel was in there as well. And yeah, of course. So he was

baby nut is what formed from the husk of Mr. Peanut. Sorry? Like a Phoenix. Okay. Sure. Um, that's fine. Um, but he formed from the husk of Mr. Peanut. And then he is transmogrifying now into Peanut Junior. Does that make sense? Huh. I can keep saying it. This is, I think, about the fifth time that you've tried to walk us through the timeline of baby nut. So here's the ad. Give me 20 seconds. Just listen to this. Don't say anything. ID. Yes, sir. Wait. So you're telling me you fell off a cliff, came back to life as a baby, and now you're 21? Yeah. Yeah. It's been a weird year. So, uh, Mr. Peanut Junior, he's now 21. And because of that, they're making beer nuts

that are flavored like the, you understand? Yes. And it's to celebrate people who miss their birthdays due to COVID. That's what this says here. Read the exact quote. That sounds super nice. This comes after baby nut who was introduced in February during Planner's controversial Super Bowl ad morphed into Peanut Junior earlier this month as a way to connect with consumers whose birthdays have gone by with little to no fanfare due to COVID-19 quarantine measures. That's what it says. That's so sweet. That's really nice to them. Can I also just pull back your curtain there a little bit? Cause what they're, are basically saying is like we committed to this like baby peanut bit and weren't going anywhere with it. So as soon as we saw

the slimmest off ramp, we took it. Right. We took it. Now it's Peanut Junior. And can I also say, just after that ad you played it, it does kind of sound like Peanut Junior is using a fake ID. It's very suspicious. The read on it is definitely like, uh, yeah, it's in a weird year. Can I have my beer now, please, sir? Please. At the time when he morphed, the quote was this, Peanut Junior still has a lot to learn, like what his favorite go-to drink is, as he continues to grow up to become a peanut of the people. Jesus. And apparently that was the quote given at that point, right? But now we know what his favorite drink is. And it's apparently Natty Light. Yeah. Which actually tracks. I mean, it tracks, except for the fact

that he probably inherited the peanut planner's fortune. Yeah. And it does not need to drink. Oh, it's ironic. Maybe that's what's happening. Okay. I would have gone, I would have gone with a Bud Light lime arena, but that would just be my guess for, for what Baby Junior, Mr. Peanut is into. So now we're going to go a little bit deeper. See, Natural Light is an economy beer brand owned by Anheuser-Busch Inbev, which like planner's owner, Kraft Heinz, has ties to Brazilian investment firm, 3G Capital. Wait a minute. This goes all the way to the top. It goes all the way to the top, baby. 5G isn't causing COVID, but 3G is causing Natural Light flavored planner's peanuts.

It goes all the way to the top. And you can buy these nuts. It just says here, I tried to click the link, it just says, you can buy these nuts if you're a dirtbag, it says. So I guess if you're a dirtbag, you should be able to find them. As is so often the case with Munch Squad. Now I want to try it. I didn't before. Nothing goes to get, this is from Mike, executive creative director at VaynerMedia, which has engineered a lot of evil in the past few years. Nothing goes together like beer and nuts. We're thrilled to work with Natural Light to make the union official with beer flavored peanuts. Okay, but it's not like when Cheez-It and House Wine partnered, they didn't make wine flavored Cheez-Its. That would be actually

very good. Pretty cool. I think I would actually really like that. I have had a peanut butter stout before. I have had what I would call nut flavored beer. Okay. I am not at all interested. Weird flex, but okay. I'm just saying I'm not at all. If someone said, do you want me to soak these peanuts in beer before you eat them? That's probably not. I would assume that nuts are not soggy and wet, Travis. Man, I'd hope not, but what do you picture? It's got beer dust on it. Just like a dusting of beer flavor. You know how flavoring works. Probably made with beaver anus. Why did you say that?

Why would you say that? They use beaver anus juices in a lot of fake flavorings. That's so gross, Travis. I don't do that. I don't do it. You don't do it. That is a real thing. Everyone listen to the sound of, this is for your ASMR triggers, the sound of my brother googling beaver anus. I'm doing it quietly on my phone. Thank you very much. Oh, huh. Hey, cool. Yeah, I guess so. I guess anything that you eat that has flavor in it. You're doing a little, you're just eating ass. You thought I was lying, didn't you? You thought I was wrong.

I don't know what I thought. All right. Wow, yeah, look at that. Why? Is it good? Wow. Who discovered this? That's what I need to know. Who's like, that's actually, I wanted to eat, I said I would eat the entire beaver on a dare, but I'm enjoying the ass more than I thought I would. I just happened to have on my desk that I've been snacking on a little bit some jelly beans. Those are going right in the fucking garbage.

Is beef rainice in jelly bellies? It's in Haribo. I think I'm okay. Oh, jelly beans have a shellac on them that is made from the secretions of a bug. Okay. A bee, a beeswax? No. If you see an ingredient titled confectioners glaze, see if that's on your jelly beans. It's in there. Yeah, they do. I might rather eat bugs than eat out a beaver's butt. I don't know them. You know what I mean?

How come it's just beavers? How come God gave the beaver the most flavorful butt glands? I don't know. Here we are. Here we are, man. Well, we've been in this truth all together. This is the worst episode that we've put out so far. Just because of the truths contained within? I mean, I think all around, I don't think there's anything redemptive about what happened before this. Everything we said in the episode doesn't balance out the whole beaver boat thing. No. God, no. Christ, no. No, I mean, we would have to give out the winning lotto ticket numbers. There's a food dye in nerds that's made from crushed and boiled beetles.

All right, so we're all fucking nasty, nasty Timon and Pumba. Let's end it, the show and episode. Now, to be fair, Griffin, you have numerous times said that Timon and Pumba made you want to eat those bugs. Yes, that's true. Now you've got the opportunity, thanks to nerds. I want to be able to give consent to Timon and Pumba before I eat the bugs. I don't want them tricking me. Yeah, yeah. Try this, try this, Simba. It's beaver ass. It's beaver ass. It's the one thing we love out here on the savannah. Beaver ass. Hakuna my ass. Delicious. I think I'm going to go back and deal with Scar. No, he won't have you anymore. You've been selling. He'll know you ate the ass.

He'll know if you go back where everybody you ate the ass and loved it. Beaver ass pancakes, beaver ass tortillas, beaver ass tacos, we got everything. Something smells like vanilla ice cream, which almost universally contains beaver ass. It's me, Scar. I ate the beaver ass. You move fossils like don't eat the beaver ass. I thought I told you. What? I told you. I missed you so much. You come back to talk to me. I told you to never eat beaver ass. I reject you. I didn't no longer recognize you as my heir. Just walk back to say I'm disappointed. Anyway, bye. Hi, it's me, the beaver. I'm up here with your dad and I can't believe you ate my ass. I'm dead and you ate my ass. The king is a perv.

That's what Rafiki is wiping on him by the way, just in case anyone knows one. It's a mixture of beetles and beaver ass. You're nasty. Go out into the world. This is Scar's entire plan is to trick Simba into eating beaver ass and then tell everybody. Well, it looks like you've beaten me, but before I surrender, just one more thing. Yes, I told all the giraffes that you ate beaver ass and also geese. They know now and the beavers were not thrilled. Let me tell you. Well, some of them were, but you know how they are. They are some of them are extremely flexible on a moral spectrum.

Thank you for listening to what is presumably not been canceled. A podcast by us, the McRoy brothers called my brother, my brother, and me. We hope you have enjoyed your time with us as we continue to soldier on through this absolutely bizarre period in our planet history. Um, we wrote a book about how to podcast. It is like a guide that will actually like walk you through step by step, but we wrote it. So it's also kind of funny. I think you'll like reading it. Hey, this is, I'll say it, you will like reading it. You can preorder it at McRoypodcastbook.com. Uh, what are you waiting for? Go do that. Uh, let's see. What else?

Thank you to John Roderick in the long winters for the use of our theme song instead of departure off the album, putting the days to bed. You can find that, uh, on the internet and in a bunch of different places, I bet. And thanks to maximum fun for having us on the network. Go to maximumfund.org, check out all the great shows there, shows like stop podcasting yourself and, uh, heat rocks and a whole bunch more. I want maximum fun.org. Uh, also, uh, we got some good new merch up there at the, the McRoy merch.com store, including some bee pins that represent the three of us and our dad as a horrible bee monster. So make sure you check that out. Don't forget to get registered to vote and vote early and make sure you, uh,

do some research on local elections. Cause you know, it starts local, then moves up the chain. Plus there's a lot of, uh, Senate seats, uh, up for grabs and then, uh, vote for Joe Biden. Thank you for being here. We hope you're hanging in there too. And okay, don't forget artists. I will use the teeth. Teeth owner. Get at us. Uh, this final Yahoo. We're not narks. This isn't a sting. No, it would be a very weird roundabout sting if it was. This one was sent in by the wizard, Emma. Can't thank you Emma. It's Yahoo Answers user. Another anonymous one. Stop being so fucking scared and do, and stand up for yourself for once. Um, bill up, bill up asks, does anyone really believe it's a coincidence

that the two surviving Beatles are the circumcised one? I could not have for money told you where that was going. My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother and my brother. Kiss your dad's square on the lips. Yeah. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.