My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 53: Doctor Jamilton

Episode Date: May 2, 2011

This episode of My Brother, My Brother and Me comes to you courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue. Also, courtesy of the Millwall Football Company, people who are naked all the time and an irrational anger towards Science and God. Suggested talking points: Back-up Lover, Sex and Robotics, Potluck Contest, Nakedness, Food Babies, Soccer Wedding, Jim Charm, Mister Brad, Hug Safari

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Justice will be served, and the battle will rage. This big dog will fight when you rattle his cage, and you'll be sorry that you messed with the U.S. of A, because we'll put a boot in your ass. It's the American way. Welcome to My Brother and My Brother and Me,

an advice show for the modern era, but specifically Toby Keith fans. Well, most people don't know is he's quitting Shakespeare there. That's that. Travis works in Shakespeare. He's in the Shakespeare biz, and that is true what Travis is saying right now. Hey. Hey, we got him. What? Uncle Sam put your name at the top of his list, and the Statue of Liberty started shaking her fist and the eagle will fly. Man, it's gonna be hell when you hear Mother Freedom start ringing her bell.

Ring the bell, Mother Freedom. You know, we haven't said in a while, but good work, Tristan. Yeah. Hey, you got him, man. I attribute this success wholly and entirely to him. Yes. I know he may have just been in boot camp, and before that, a baby, but I think that he probably did this all on his own. But now that Osama is dead.

Courtesy of the red, white and blue. Courtesy of the red and blue. You have to say that after every time you acknowledge his death. I do. Don't worry. I do. Who do we? Who's next for us? Who's who's who's enemy number one? Enemy number uno right now. Who's the new? Who's the new?

Hotness. Space aliens. Space aliens? I think that that's gonna be, that's sort of a longer play, but I think certainly that they are top. It took us 10 years to take out a dude on Earth. I think we got time. I know. I agree with you. It has to be, it can't be anything ambiguous.

It has to be one space alien. That's the thing. I can't get off. I can't finish knowing that we are at war with an entire country. But when I think about the full might of the big bad American military coming after just one dude. Yeah. Oh, that's the stats.

That's the good stuff. I like it to be whoever is making the scary movies still. Wes Craven. Your ass is grass. No, not scary movies. The scary movie series. I'm just like, generally. Justin hates getting spooked.

I've been spooked. New Kim. New Kim. You got, you got me. Let's get it. Let's drop a daisy cutter in there. Just really murder everybody who made that film. What if Timmy Lee Curtis got called the crossfire, you monster?

Didn't even think about that. This is an advice show as you've gathered. This is an advice show for the modern era. I am your oldest brother, Justin McRoy. I am your middleest brother, Travis McRoy. And I'm Griffin McRoy. courtesy of the red, white, and blue. So let's get to the advice.

So there's this girl. I'm really. Hold on. Whoa. Is it weird that I am super against the death penalty like in every way imaginable, but I would be okay with like putting makeup on Osama bin Laden's dead ass assassinated corpse and like letting people like pay 10 bucks

to get like a funny picture taken with it. Yeah, it's, it's, that's fine. It just means you're like a huge hypocrite. That's what it is. I've been thinking about it. I think it's like the difference between, you know, you don't want to see anyone die, but when someone elevates themselves to the level of like super villain, like mega dick.

Like, yeah, like I want to stick a stick on a punch through his face. You know what I mean? Like when you're on a super villain level, you get, you get what's coming. Yeah, I would have preferred the red, white, and blue. I would have preferred the Phantom Zone, but that's just, that's just me. Um, so anyway, real actual ass advice for real people who are still alive. Okay. Curse you, red, white, and blue.

So there's this girl I'm really into right now. I can tell. Oh, sorry. It's read that. He's not into her right now with an expectation to be less into her later. Let me try again. So there's this girl I'm really into. Right now I can tell she sees this as friends,

but I really think that if I have patience and work at it, something could possibly materialize between us. Here's where the complications arise. I cannot tell my friends. I like her as keep it a secret. Doesn't seem to register with them. So they don't know I'm really into this girl and are fully intent on setting me up with another girl who we know is into me.

She's a nice girl, but not the one I really want. I've tried to slow down their setup playing as much as possible, but it's fast approaching. Shit, this is exciting. Yeah, I know. Should I break a girl's heart for a chance to be with the girl I really love? Have you any tips for slowing down the oncoming setup from those who wait? Oh, shit.

There's so much going on in this question. This is thrilling. God damn, I miss being a teenager. Do you know the biggest, like the biggest thing like this is like, for me, it's like, I really wanted to go to Fazoli's, but Arby's is right there. Ah, fuck it. I'll get some pee.

That's poignant in its own way. Yeah, and it has its own implications in the real world. So it sounds like this question is threefold. One, there's, he likes this girl that doesn't like him. Two, his friends can't keep a secret. Three, they're trying to set him up with a girl he doesn't dig. Right? Those are like the three main points of this question.

Right. Okay. Good. Thanks. Thank you for that. So thank you for that fucking, that cliff's notes on that 30 second long question. It's a recapture for the moderate era. We take your questions and boil them down.

Can I get an index card with some bullet points on it? Well, my next turn was to answer those questions. Peace. In turn, but oh, you're doing a, you're, oh, a setup. Yeah, I was, I was, all right. Well, you bumped, you bumped it. We said it. Now spike it to the advice.

All right. One, um, and I didn't have anything. You touched the net. No, I do, I do. I swear. God, I do. My question is the, and this is for you guys, Justin Griffin, um, and everyone else. What is the possibility?

I, I, whenever I hear someone say, I really like this girl. She just sees us as friends. But I think with some hard work and dedication, I can change her mind. I think that that's a fool's game. That is a fool's game. Where no good, no, there's no cute meat that starts with wearing her down. Like that is not, you never see that part in a romantic comedy. Well, we met each other and then I broke her will like a stallion.

Maybe he just needs some time to get his sexy, right? Whoa. You think, oh, you were thinking some Patrick Dempsey and can't bar me love shit. Like he needs, that is specifically and exactly what I'm talking about. That is the exact shit you were thinking just now in the second. I was furiously looking up YouTube clips from that movie just now while talking. That's just part of his routine. Oh yeah.

My early morning routine. Yeah. I think that, I think that, uh, uh, if you have to, Travis has a great point. If you have to work at it, it's probably not meant to be because that's like, that's how you end up being the guy who like, she'll break up with somebody and you'll, you're like, I'm going to slip in there, but no, no dice. She, because she's, she's just not that into you.

And you're also at the risk of just completely like debasing yourself. Like the harder you work is say you spend six months convincing this girl to date you and then you actually get together. You are going to be so unhappy in this relationship because everything that happens are like, oh shit, I hope I didn't piss her off. I don't want her to break up with me. Like it will not be an even relationship. You're, you're saying go with, go with the, the adequate lover, go with the,

No, I'm saying like he, I don't, I don't think he's giving this second girl a chance because he's so hung up on the first girl. She's my adequate lover. Your backup lover, look at her. She's, she's beautiful in her, her way, her way. She, uh, I tell you what, get rid of those glasses, dust those funyons, combs off her shirt and you might have a prize there. A hidden treasure.

Oh yeah. Put a blue ribbon on that sweet baby. Hey, uh, you, and, and as Travis points out that it's also not a very attractive quality to be on the hunt, to be like working really hard to wear somebody down. Here's, here's a classic movie line you never heard. Frankly, my dear, uh, if you need me or whatever or something opens up, just call me. Like you got my cell and Twitter and stuff. So like whatever, my phone turned on while I sleep.

So if you have like a bad dream or something, I want to talk about it. Yeah. Or just frankly, my dear, come on. Come on. Come on. Frankly, my dear, I don't think you're going to do better. That was very frank of me. So that was, that was linguistically accurate.

Frankly, my dear, I give so many dams. I have to give like many dams about this. A hundred billion dams. I say, uh, I, I think that if you're, if, okay, you got someone who's into you right now, you got someone who's not into you right now, go with the one who is into you right now. Cause it's not like a, it's not like a one or the other. Like one of these paths is not closed down. Maybe other girls, it's not, maybe she is your forever love and she's just not ready for that yet.

Maybe the two of you aren't ready in a destiny sense. And here's a simple direct thing for them trying to set you up. If you do decide that you don't want to go up and you don't want to go with this set up date, just tell your friends no. Yeah. That's a good point too. Just be directed if they're like, Hey, so just got, you know, I'm not really down with this. Hey guys.

The end. Thanks, but no, thanks Griffin. Yeah, I got what I need. This one was sent in by, uh, I am, oh, start up on Twitter. Thank you. Okay. Timely. Yahoo Answers user Diego asks,

Why does my girlfriend feel weird having sex with me because of the posters on my wall? They are of JFK, Gandhi and Benjamin Franklin. Additional details. They are on my wall because I strive to be like them. Okay. In the sack. Yeah. In bed.

Is that what we're, is that what we're presupposing? Because, uh, I'm sure I can do for you, but what you can do for me. Yeah. What you can do for my, my, my dick on the president. Mr. Kennedy, president, president Kennedy was probably pretty proficient. Yeah. Oh yeah. Now president Gandhi on the other hand,

President Gandhi. I don't know if you like, if you like those, if you like them stringy, I guess. I think definite bottom. We have to assume, right? I mean, Why are you just, you're saying he's, you're saying Gandhi was gay? No, I'm just saying like, you know, it could be, you know, people use, uh, bottom. Justin, I'm no way can we put this in the show.

God, if he was gay, that would be so much funny. All right, start, stop. Can we, okay, can we agree for the, this question, for the fiction of this question? That we are going to answer it in an alternate universe in which Gandhi was gay. So I can make that joke about it being a bottom. No. Yeah. I'm saying a one question.

Just give me a break on reality for this one question so I can make this gag. It will be in an alternate reality in the sense that I'll delete it from the show and send it to the fucking Phantom Zone. I'm so embarrassed. Gandhi's poop. That'd be fair, Griffin. You don't know what was in Gandhi's heart. Yeah.

Or it was what? He's a very quiet heart, but. Okay. All right. All right. Bye. That's my final offer. My curious.

We are in an alternate reality for the duration of this question in which Gandhi was my curious. Hold on. Well, I do want to take a second. What was the goof? What was even the spoof that started this? A quick timeout for our new listeners. Gandhi, the spoof was he would be a bottom because he was into like, he was into non-aggression and passive, you know what I mean?

Like. And also really weak from the not eating. And a giant butthole. Okay. All right. So I will agree to. All right. I will drop my gag.

I will drop my spoof. Yeah. It didn't make a whole lot of sense. But yeah. But if you had given me the leeway to make him gay, I just want our show to appeal to everybody. And we had a bunch of even fiction writers. I want it to appeal to people writing alternate histories. I bet Ben Franklin got down.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. God, are you kidding me back in the 18th century? It was just a constant Bakken alien just buck fest. Yeah. All the time. All the time. All the time.

The first continental Congress. Close the windows. We don't want the secrets to get out or the stink. Reopen those windows. Johnny and Congress blacked out. Wow. So I don't think it's weird that you have those posters on your wall. I do know.

I do want to know your supplier for Benjamin Franklin posters. I do want to know where do you pick those up at? Because I would like to get one. He was basically the best dude ever. Like I could understand. Yeah, he was like the coolest guy. He was like the fucking coolest guy. He's sitting there flying a kite with a key on it while boning down on a lady.

Like check out this key thing I did. Now get on it. Get on it. That's that's that's just that's basic history. That's a quote. That's a basic quote from history books. An old class. No, no.

JFK was a known philanderer. Philanderer. Right. As far as I know. Maybe the girl maybe his girl is like is put off by the vibe. The sort of no rules fire island swinger vibe. Yeah. That JFK is putting out.

No rules, no fear. Just bounce on the tip on the person. Is it possible that during their love making he's referencing the posters? See that's what I'm worried about. Oh, okay. Like he's like pointing at him and going this one's for you, Ben. Or not even I think speaking would alleviate the tension in this situation. I'm talking about like she catches him just staring into the eyes of Benjamin Franklin

while while crushing them guts. But maybe he's what if he's maybe he's reflecting on some of their other accomplishments. Maybe he's crushing them guts. Why he's thinking about how cool it was to invent the first fire station or something. Yeah. Wishing I do love bifocals. I don't think it's weird. I think that it's, you know, that's why a lot of people don't have posters.

A lot. A lot. No, I don't you're saying that you are saying that people who don't have posters don't have those posters because they're uncomfortable having posters in their room during coitus. Yes, I'm saying that if you don't. Yeah. Okay.

I think 99% of bedroom decoration decisions are would this be if I was boning in here. Yeah. Would this be weird? That's why you don't put like pictures of your memaw in your bedroom because like what if you catch a glimpse? You know, although I do have that poster where the cat's hanging from the tree branch and it says hang in there.

Well, yeah, because that's helpful advice. Like, yeah, yeah. I'm I'm worried about the way that you are. Look guys are looking at your bedroom because for me it's a peaceful place where I can go and energize like a robot for my next day of work. And to you, it's like some sort of like it's the it's like the seedy sex room. It's like, why do you why do you think that might be? Why?

Because I like robots and you guys like sex. You are mutually exclusive. I only I have enough attention to really dedicate myself to one to one concentration. And you guys and by you guys, I mean everybody else can understand he only has enough RAM to think about robots. He doesn't have enough RAM to RAM is what he said. That's what I'm saying.

I need an upgrade. I need to I need a dual core. Can I come over and sleep with you tonight? I don't know. I'm going to be devoting a lot of energy to pretending I'm a robot. I'm afraid you might impede that in some sense. Hey, my friend just got engaged to his girlfriend, which is great. I'm invited to their engagement party, which is not so great.

Here is my problem. It's a potluck at the girlfriend's house. I think fiance is now the the parliament. Yeah, they are throwing. I think it's really tacky and don't want to bring anything. Is this a jerk move? What should I do? Mike, not even in the wedding.

Oh, this is so this is like a Da Vinci code. There's a secret in this question. Can you find the secret? Because his his thing that he's upset about is total shenanigans. Yeah, and it just slips in the real question right there at the end. Right there at the end. What is it? I don't know.

It's Hebrew for Apple. That means that it's at this address. What's there? The foreskin Da Vinci code. So you guys are saying the real issue is that he's not in the wedding? Of course. That's what he's upset about. What is his other issue?

He is he is abstaining from bringing potato salad because he was not asked to do a reading. His other issue is that none of their friends or family are close enough to throw them an engagement party. That's what he's mad about. Like, hey, I would have done it. Why don't you ask me? I would have thrown you a potluck.

Potluck is also the easiest thing to throw. Well, potluck is the shittiest party because it's saying, hey, come to our party and we just need you to bring the food and drinks and some decorations and some plates and cups if you can pick them up. It's also the habit at your house. It's the shittiest party because you say on the invitation, like everybody brings something,

but just make sure somebody brings rolls and then you get to the party and it's just fucking 70 rolls. Everybody brought a two liter of off-brand soda and a bag of rippled potato chips. Oh, man, that sounds like a seed to me. Sounds like a party. Yeah, we need to get engaged. Yeah, I've got to get engaged.

Um, gotta find my robot bride. Can you be my girl? My heart is in beta. Mike, you are upset about them not asking you to be in the wedding and that's what's bothering you. I think you got to A, talk to him about it, or B, just make some steak and take it over. Just pick up some macaroons or something at the Kmart

and just take it over there. Steak would be fucking baller for a potluck. Are you kidding me? How's your potluck? I guess I just made it way better, huh? Yeah, you should. If we treated potlucks more like competitions and less like fucking slop troughs,

like just put discord in your face about it at Kmart. But you sweet boy, I'm sorry. I know that that must be such a sensitive time, you know, choosing who's going to be in a wedding party, so many factors to consider. It doesn't mean they didn't like you. You know, it means that maybe she only had X number of friends and he couldn't ask you or something like that.

You never know what happened. And bad news, yeah, you totally have to bring something to that party. You got it. Yeah, it's true. Yeah, I can't. I understand the reluctance, but you're going to be that guy. I get it, but you're right.

Like Travis is right. You were, there is no debate on what guy you're going to be, because the answer is that guy. That's the guy, anyway. To put it in different terms, it's like if someone said a party was BYOB and you said, that's shitty. And then you showed up and asked to drink everyone else's beer.

And not like some of everyone else's beer, literally just a row of all the beers at the party that you're slamming one after another, like a scene from the hit ABC Family Series, Greek. Hey, I live in a college dorm and recently an unfamiliar girl has taken to using my whole bathroom to shower. This would be fine, except that she always showers with the curtain open.

I can only. What? Slower, slower. Okay, I will go slower. Hold on just a little bit from the place here. I can only assume that she's creeped out her own hallmates and has to find new turf, but it's beginning to creep me out as well,

not to mention flooding the bathroom. Ooh, let's can't do that. Which leads me to wonder, why might a person prefer to shower with the curtain open? And what can I do to get her to stop flooded in Philly? You can shut the fuck up. You're ruining it for everyone, Dylan.

We need this. We need this in our lives. You're ruining it. I mean, what other reason could it be other than she wants you to see those fat boobies? There is no justification to this action. Yeah, what other could I like to feel? I like the breeze on my skin.

Hurry up, it's time for a show. It's my religion. This is probably a girl asking this question. Yeah. Right? Yeah. It's like, I'm not a guy, because that guy would know

that even if he were not of that persuasion where he would enjoy something like that, the punishment for ending something like that would be so severe that he couldn't withstand, right? Listen. Like, we're talking exile. Exile in Guyville. But communal showers in the first place

are so creepy and fucking weird in the recent. I never lived in a dorm. If I lived in a dorm, I would have gone home to shower. I would have driven to my parents' house and showered there and gone back. That's unacceptable. I have never, ever been in the shower and thought, it's just so stuffy in here.

Yeah. Oh, boy. I need to pop open this door real quick. Like, I don't understand why anyone, the water splashes everywhere, and it's just weird. It's just weird. Maybe she just saw Psycho for the first time, and like, but if a merger gets in the room,

like, seeing them isn't going to do you any help. Yeah. And here's the thing. If you're in a communal bathroom, there's people in and out of that bathroom. Like, is your fear like, what if somebody walks in? Well, yes, statistically, to her, and I, these are my least favorite kind of people

on the planet. To her? Nudity's no big deal. Don't worry about it. It's just, it's just my boobs. It's just my boobs and my vagina. No big deal. This is cool.

One of those houses. One of those houses, I can't, I can't, I can't be a party to that. It's like, when I go to the pool, and like, I go to the changing room, and their dude's just like, check out my free balls. Check these out.

My balls are wiener. They're like inches away. Are you saying that maybe this girl grew up in a home where while one person was showering, another one could be shooting a deuce on the toilet, and like, they just got so comfortable with sharing bathrooms with each other, they just pop open the curtain and have conversations?

I'm saying that the human body, the human body is not a natural, beautiful palace. It's not. It's not. It's fucked up. Everybody's is weird and fucked up in different ways. And then share that. Your secrets are stuck to you?

Your secrets are, you have secret parts all over that nobody knows about, and nobody should know about. And you can't be like, oh, this is how we're supposed to be. This is natural. This is natural.

This is humanity. Zero, we got to get back to zero. Check out this dick, please. Straight up, even if you are one of the few that is a beautiful palace, man, that's so weird. Like, no one's- Yeah, then you're just rubbing it in.

Yeah, and somebody like walks in the bathroom, their media reaction is never going to be, oh, nice. It's always going to be, whoa. You're ruining every, you're ruining this for everybody. You're ruining every. So if this person is,

for some reason, listening right now, cover your shame. Yeah, just hide that shame. No many, nobody needs that. Unless it's good, unless it's nice. Is it not, is it nice? Good ways, but is it nice? Oh, I hadn't even considered the possibility

that it might be nice. Hey, can you just get, can you just double check for me? Because maybe you get spooked. Double check, because it might be nice. Do we, or do I take a journey to the money zone? How about a Yahoo first? You, I already said it.

I already said it. So I called dibs. And that's like a contract. It's like a contract that we make with ourselves. Okay. Okay, Yahoo it is. This one was sent in by Cameron Daigle. Sorry, I said his name like that.

Thank you, Cameron Daigle. It's by Yahoo Answers user, monkey pot tree nut who asks, pregnant with twins. Are these good names? I was thinking of cute and- Wait, can I prognosticate an answer? Sure.

They are not. I was thinking, I was thinking of fun and cute names for my twins, boy and girl. Hart, I'm also inspired by a lot of celebrities. Their children have such unique names. Anyway, here goes, starting with a girl's name and then a boy's name. Jam and Ham Smith.

Nice. Lola and Boba Smith. Boba? Sammy and Sammy Smith. Now, hold up. Sammy SAMI and Sammy SAMMY. Oh, Jesus. Law and Lee Smith.

Boy, that would make Sophie's choice really tough, wouldn't it? Take Sammy. You go and work it out. Sugar and- You can say Law and Lee. Law, Law and Lee Smith. Sugar and Spice Smith.

Oh, God. That's got my- Wait, is the boy sugar and the girl spice? Yes. And the boy's spice? Nope, you had it right. Oh, God. Sylvia-

You know what that boy is? A teen runaway. Sylvia and Sylvia Smith. App because they're living in a Shakespeare comedy. Apple and Pear Smith. Oh, God. Which pear is your favorite? Thanks.

I like Apple and Pear. Just like fucking turn your whole family into some big awful fruit salad. Big stupid. Just a big dumb compote. Did my boys in the Yahoo Answers crew, did they have any votes? Yahoo Answers user,

you know you love me said great for dogs. How's your burn? Hey, check your face. It's on the ground. I just rammed your face to the deep fat fryer because it burned so bad. I burned you so hard. Pretty good one.

Pretty good singer. Okay, someone said jam is an adorable name for a little girl. No, it's not. Nope. Hey, I can't- I take you as my bride jam. It's his name?

Hi, I'm jam. Hi. That is a fucking power play. Oh, jam. What does that mean? It means my parents were borderline. It means they were borderline retarded. It's what it means.

It means that before I was even born, my parents decided they hated me. They hated me already. You got legitimate grounds. Like, mom, dad, you hate me. Like, yeah, it seems like it. Can we come up with some other rhyming couplets for this? Sure, sure.

Food based maybe since most of these are. So like, these are my kids hot and pocket. What rhymes would be better off adopted? Mark. Mark? That's not quite it. But what about Julie and Julia? These are my kids, Susan and Schmoozen.

This is my son, Schmoozen. I'm very proud of him. I love him dearly. What about- Can we call him Pepsi and Coke? Pepsi and Coke. Pepsi. Can you choose between my kids in a blind taste test?

What? What, it's that Uncle Kevin? No, thank you. Can you call one Mountain Dew and one Dr. Pepper? I'm a doctor- What if this is their younger sister, Mr. Pim? I am Dr. Dr. Pepper Smith. This is my brother, Jam.

This is our- This is our poor cousin, Dr. Funday. Just keep having twins until you can fucking stock a refrigerator with your children. But don't do that. I can't- I can't state this strongly enough. Sweetheart, we ran out of miracle whip.

We gotta have a- We gotta have a kid, I guess, and name him that. How does this work again? I don't- I don't understand. Let's go for the kid. I'm confused. You name the kid the food, but I'm still hungry after it.

Oh, these poor hell. The poor hell that these kids are being born into. Okay, here's what you need to do. Whenever you think about what you're gonna name your kids, just set up some practice sentences in your head, like- Yeah, well, yes. Like, hello, my name is Jam. Like, that-

Oops, no. I would love to work here. I want to be a doctor. I'm your Dr. Jam Smith. I'm Dr. Jam. This is my partner. No, I take it back. Dr. Jam is perfect because you're setting him up

to be a professional sports partner. Dr. Jam, and this is my boom box. He's my resident. I'm gonna cut into you and fix you. Yeah, now- This is my resident boom box, and I'm Dr. Jam. What's wrong with- What?

How can I help you today? I'm in a private practice with Dr. Krakenstein. Take it back. These are awesome names. Who is that in the corner? It's Ham. It's my brother, Ham. Some of the ones in twos.

He's gonna mix while I cut in. Yeah, so I think they're all pretty good. Griffin, let's do this thing. What are they short for? Hamilton and Jamelton. And our country's 53rd president was, of course, Jamelton P. Smith. Oh, boy.

Hold on, let me put my seatbelt on. Yeah, strap in. Okay. Because you just got a first-class ticket to the money zone. We got two personal messages today. Let's start with this super easy one. We got a congratulations for Emily and Andrew from their buddy, Jacob Holler.

Tell me about him, Griffin. Tell me a story, a quick one, but a good one. Emily and Andrew. Nayee, right? That's how you pronounce it? Yeah. Emily Hall and Andrew Horton have combined forces. They have smushed together to form one person through love.

With love, I mean. Before you say the last name, it is the dopest last name. Like the hyphenated power of this name is amazing. Nayee had a dopest, totally sick fucking wedding. It was nice. And Emily and Andrew are now Emily and Andrew Horton Hall. That's really fucking dope. That's pretty, that's pretty nice.

It was officiated by Susan Pratt, which I don't think we've ever announced that before. But yeah, we know you know that. Freaking news. Oh, there was a picture and Travis didn't attach it. So I don't know how nice I should be to them. I'll tell you what. It was beautiful.

I saw this JPEG. It was a beautiful ceremony. They were dancing. They were dancing and looking at each other's eyes. Like we got one last name now. But hey, you guys, congratulations. We're so proud of you and your buddy. You have a good friend, obviously.

Jacob. Emily and Jacob are in the same knitting group now, which is a pretty cool thing. What do they knit? What do you think their project is right now? Probably hopefully something for us. Yeah. Because otherwise they're wasting their time.

Could I have a doily? Can you knit those? Can you whomp him up a doily, please? Why don't you whip up a doily? Stop talking about it. Make a tiny sweater for their dog, Frankie. So they're a great couple. And Jacob wanted to wish you guys a happy marriage.

And a happy birthday. And a happy birthday. What? Really? I mean, eventually. Eventually he would like to wish you a happy birthday, but he's going to have to pay again for that. I'm sorry.

OK, so our next one comes to us from David. And this is unprecedented for us, but here we go. His money zone request is to buy our UK Soccer Alliance. Allegiance. Well, I like to think of it as teaming up. Allegiance. Allegiance. We'll meet you in the middle.

And this is for the, so who are we fans of now, Griffin? We are now. The official Brotherly Com Advice podcast. Com Vice. Bro-Com. Bro-Com Vice of the Millwall FC, which I believe FC is short for Football Corporation. There was a Millwall football company. And Millwall Football Co.

They're out there every fucking day on the pitch. Fucking striking it, fucking blocking it, fucking kicking it. Penalties passes. They're the pride, as you know, as you well know, they're the pride of South Bramonsley, Bramonsley in the London Borough of Louisham, which is Southeast London. They're formed in 1885.

They're represented by Lions. Their home colors are blue and white. Their way colors are yellow and blue, it seems like. And I would like to take a moment to thank David for having the foresight to think, you know, for an amount of money, the brothers will become the official something of anything. That's completely true. Thank you, David.

This is a note for anybody else. We will become the official whatever's of whatever the fuck you want. There is no allegiance we have, we hold so dear, that we will not abandon it for a hundred dollars. Do you think? If anybody else, if somebody from Crystal Palace, or Charlton, or Leeds, or West Ham had contacted us first, we totally would have become the official podcast of them.

But now? Yeah, here's the problem that you guys didn't get to us first. And now we think all your football companies are bitches. Millwall is what's up. Go Lions. Go Lions. Meow. We're gonna maul you.

What's that grass, that tall, that tall African grass? Yeah, Millwall. And it was an instant change. Someone brings up all-time top scorer Neil Harris. I tear up. Neil Patrick Harris is their football man. He's their football kicker. Yeah, close.

Guess how many goals he scored in his last game? How many? He got three one-pointers and six two-pointers. Wow, that is very impressive. Yeah. And check this for an awesome name. Team manager? Kenny Jacket.

That's... Kenny Jacket? Kenny Jacket. That's why we got into him. It's a dope ass name. Yeah, Kenny Jacket. I like it. He's a...

Neil Harris is a striker. Why didn't we not have a football alliance before? Oh, by the way, we're also only calling it football from now on, because now we're into it. Now we're into this world. Yeah, we're into this world. We call our football, football norte americano. Griffin, time to let that...

Oh, fuck. ...pride... That deep, deep... Just open your heart and let the pride out. Pride out. Can I actually... We should do a fight song. Hold on.

For Emily and Andrew? And a tenor love ballad about... Go fight Mary. So give me some talking points. How can I mix these two together? We got... Well, we got fighting. Something about cleats.

Yep. Okay. Step on those cleats. Walk down the aisle. Don't block that goal. Something about cleats. It's a soccer wedding. You got a yellow card for throwing rice too hard.

You cut the cake and shoot a penalty shot. It's a soccer wedding. I went to the wedding of Emily and Andrew Horton Hall. Neil Patrick Harris was there. It was nice. It was a soccer wedding. It was a soccer wedding. The Lions.

That wasn't so much a jingle. It was such a song about a soccer wedding. I think it still counts. If you could have thrown monsters in there and made it a monster soccer wedding, you wouldn't have had a party hit. Anything you threw in there would have glommed on. It was a monster soccer wedding. That was a thematic stew.

That's what I just made. I work in a pretty conservative office and although my coworkers are pleasant enough, they're not the type of folks I would ever hang out with if I weren't getting paid. Every once in a while, they organize a dinner at a restaurant after work. Pretty much everyone including my boss goes. I've been to a couple and they're not torture. They're just boring and I'd rather go home. What's a way to get out of these without alienating anyone or seeming like a dick?

Just here for the cheddar. I think you've got to think of this as part of your gig. You've got to think of it because if you're going to advance in your company or whatever, having those personal relationships with people above you are really going to be invaluable. I think you've got to think of it as part of your job. You could also, I don't know, find a fatigue disease, something that's not deadly or life-threatening and doesn't affect it,

but just kind of makes you sleepy. A fatigue? Like say you have an iron deficiency. Fatigue disease? Like African sleeping sickness. Is this a go-to thing for you? Have you done this before? Have you pulled this move?

You came out with that move pretty quick, I think. You know, you got mono? I've got stereo. It's double bad. I'm sleepy all the time. I got to go. Thank you for the breadsticks, though. They were really good.

You got that from kissing? I got mine from fucking. Wait, that's a great idea. The dinner just makes such awkward conversation that they don't ask you to come back. Prefer you not be there. That's good. Hold on. What's that smell?

It smells like a recipe for success, for in business. Smells like a recipe for business success. We got a promotion coming up. Who should we give it to? I don't know. Weird Mike? Yeah. Yeah.

Let's give it to Jam. Let's give it to ostracized Jam. That guy seems all right. Jamelton, could you come in here, please? Jamelton, we need to have a talk. You said some shit during that party that I have never heard before. I have never been a party to that kind of talk. And frankly, I love it.

You're hired. You're hired. You're double hired. You're already hired? You're hired twice. Here's two paychecks. Now get out of here, Jamelton. You scamp.

You scampelton. I know it's not super fun, but you got to do it. Because people notice that stuff. And they know when someone's just there, it's all about the money. For the tasers. All about the bids. That's the tricky thing. You can't just go.

I think you really got to invest. You got to go. And you got to bring your A.D. out. Get your A.D out. It's dirty. Well, because the fact of the matter is, the underbelly is, in any type of job, you get promoted because people like you. You could be really awesome at your job.

But if you're that quiet, creepy guy in the corner, they're not going to bump you up. They don't want to spend more time with you. You know what I mean? They're like, oh, yeah, he's great at his job. So we're going to keep him right there. Because he's doing such a great job. But Charming Jim over there, we want to find out more

about this Charming Jim fellow. Right, we want to elevate him. Yeah, we want to put him on a pedestal so we can just be irradiated by his charm. You want to be irradiated by charm is what you're saying. Yeah. By Charming Jim's charm. By Jim Charm.

And Jamilton, we want to keep right where he's at. Jamilton, you're fine over there. Actually, can you just over a little? Just scooch. Over a little bit? Scooch a little over. I'll say win. Keep going.

Keep going. And OK. That's perfect. Do you guys know what day it is? Oh, god damn it. Yep. Oh, fuck. It is May now.

I wanted this to be official Swoopin' Osama's Poon month. But that might be important. Brought to you by the runway. Some people aren't down with the present that the red, white, and blue brought. And that's fine. Who brought this to the potluck? Oh, that's courtesy of the red, white, and blue. Dead ass assassinated terrorist to the potluck.

But me, I brought the potatoes. I got to go down the list though because I didn't pick it. Oh, good. Good. Carrots and cauliflower. Not month. That's just it. That's just the title of it.

Just carrots and cauliflower. Yes. Baby names. Get caught reading month. Yes. What are you doing over there? Uh-oh. Knock first.

International audit month. Yay. My favorite. I thought it was celebrate. We did it. Nope. You did it wrong. I want to reject the premise of that month.

I don't think that what do we need to be aware that happens? You know, I think this every month. But do you pay a fee to get one of these titles? Like, do you send it? I think it's like buying a star to name after you. It's just sort of... You can't. You can't.

You know what I love? Carrots and cauliflower. Yeah. We need a month to sell it. We should probably slap month on the end of that. Don't you think, Susie? No. No.

No. I wish people would make fun of me for talking about carrots and cauliflower so much. What I need is a whole month where I can really just get down deep. And also, fuck broccoli. National salsa month in parentheses. The food. Oh, good. Oh, Jesus.

I just got my dancing shoes on. I'm glad I get to put instead my tasting tongue on. Prepare tomorrow's parents month. That's what we do every week here, I think. We don't have a month for that. Um... Teen CEO month. Oh, God.

Like Bieber, right? Like Bieber? Like Bieber is the CEO of Bieber Industries. Yeah. Where did this company go wrong? Maybe it was the milkshake machine. This is mysterious. React month.

Bang. What was that? I don't know. I'll tell you in May. National hamburger month. National barbecue month. A lot of food. I don't know.

I don't know. I need a whole month for hamburgers. Like I'm pretty much up on those on the reg. I made a hamburger last week on a grill. I'm celebrating national hamburger year. I'm celebrating national hamburger life. What about eco driving month? There's got to be some tips.

There's got to be some tips and tricks. Guys, you might have to dip into the weekly observances. Please don't, Christ. Teen CEO month. Let's do it. Let's let's help spread awareness. Did you know that May 8th through 14th is national salute to mom's 35 plus week?

What? Did you know that May 9th through the 13th is national etiquette week? I don't. I can't do these weeks with you. Did you know that May 15th through the 21st is national dog bite prevention week? Hey, you, you're about to be bitten by a dog.

Don't let that. Don't let that happen to you. I'm just looking forward. I'm just looking forward to July, which is, of course, national admit this bit. You've been trying to make work for six months as a panning out so well. It's family now.

You think you're not not looking at, you're not looking forward to that one? It's like an amnesty where you can admit like, ah, well, we give it our best shot. I'm going to be straight with you guys. This entire time as you've been talking about the weeks and everything, I have in fact been picturing teen CEOs

and like Mr. Brad rolling in to the board room on a skateboard and like, now there's a skateboard room. Mr. Teen, teen CEO month. Mr. Brad. Yeah, because that's what he has everyone calling he's like, Mr. Johnson is my father. Call me Mr. Brad. Let's start.

Let's start. Okay. I already started. Okay. But in the form of a PSI, please. Okay. Hey, hey, teen CEOs, they're just like regular CEOs, only shorter.

My brother, my brother. Teen CEOs. They'll get dumped and lay off the whole mail room. Teen CEOs, as long as your CFOs have grown up, this should be okay. Teen CEOs, because an adult would want to run everything his way. My brother, my brother, mate.

That one is specific to Charlie the Jungle Factory, out of the way. Teen CEOs, good luck sleeping your way to the top, felon. Can I just talk more about Mr. Brad? I'm tired of Shaggy songs not being pumped into your office 24 hours a day. Try a teen CEO. He loves that shorty one.

I wish I had more modern references to dip into. Shaggy is the most modern you can go? Shaggy is about as modern as I can go in terms of music. If you want to hear more limp biscuit, is there one called Disco Panic? Is that an outfit that the kids are listening to? Yeah, that is a pump-punk outfit. All right, so you want to hear more Disco Panic

pumped into your office 24 hours a day? If you want to hear more brown eyed peas, hire a teen CEO. Maybe they'll get furgy to come do some motivational work. That would be inspiring, I think. How about? I will I am come and help everybody get their group back? How about this?

Teen CEO, profits are down 15%. But angst is up by 20%. I cut expenses just to feel. Oh, shit. Try again. Try to save it. Last minute makes this bit worth it. Do you have any killer yahoos?

I've got one. Yeah, how about this? This one was sent in by Toastrack. Thanks Toastrack. It's by Yahoo Answers user Angela, who asks, is it dangerous to shoot a pregnant kangaroo with a tranquilizer? Dangerous for the mama. Urgent.

Dangerous for the mama kangaroo and Joey Fetus, I mean. I'm moving to Australia. Hey, have you guys, if you guys get out to the Catskills this year, make sure to check out Joey Fetus. He has got a Frank Sinatra tribute show that will knock you on your ass. Joey Fetus and his mama kangaroos are playing all good this year, and I can't wait for those jam sashes.

They laid on 30 minute jam sashes at a time. I'm moving to Australia and I'm domesticating a kangaroo. I don't care what the authorities say. They're so cute. They look like giant puppy rodents. I'm going to hug one so bad. Holy shit. Well, maybe I won't do that,

but at least I want to hug a kangaroo before I die. Do you think kangaroos are cute? You will hug a kangaroo right before you die. Seconds before you die. Have you ever seen a kangaroo's talons? They will kick a hole right through you. I love this because it's like, I fucking love kangaroos so much. They're like human sized puppies that you can hug.

I love them so much that I want to shoot one with a tranquilizer gun, destroying the Joey Fetus inside of it. That's how much my love is so boundless that I just want to destroy it. I love the face. You know, I don't care what the authorities say. It's like, well, you should. Like in general, rules like don't hug a kangaroo aren't like the man keeping you down.

Are they hoping that the tranquilizer dart will kill the Joey Fetus? I think they're worried. They have a list, a scrawled out list, and it's called Operation Hug a Kangaroo. And the list is incapacitate the kangaroo using an incapacitation gun and then hug its lifeless body, hug its sleeping corpse. So first of all, that's not going to be very satisfying. Second of all, you don't fucking care if you kill a baby kangaroo while you do it.

Like if I'll kill a kangaroo, if it means I get to hug another one, that's the trade-off you're willing to make. The hug a kangaroo, you got to bring a few kangaroos. Yeah, you can't make a kangaroo omelet. That's all I've always said. I want to get that cross-stitch. You can't hug a kangaroo without killing a few infa-kangaroos. You know what I like, though?

Hug safaris. Why not? Why not? Get in my Jeep. We're going to go shoot some lions and then you can hug them while they're down. You see that giraffe? Do whatever. We'll take pictures of you riding them.

You can get a picture of it draped around your shoulders. You see that giraffe? Whatever, bug it. God's creatures are your plaything. You see that giraffe? When he's awake and bucking, he's not good for hugs. But when he's incapacitated, when he's asleep, when he's laying on the ground, that neck is made for hugging.

It's perfect. You can get like 12 huggers on that at one time. Stand that neck back up and give it some hugs, you silly goof. The cruelest joke God ever played was hanging the most huggable necks so high up that we can't reach them. You see that giraffe and you just want to get all up on it. You can hug him. You could slide down, give him a slidey hug. Slidey hugs.

I'm just going to throw this out there. Okay, science. Explain to me why evolution hasn't given us really long hugging arms to hug the giraffe. Yeah. Science. Science if you're so smart. But wait, on the flip side. God, why didn't you give me arms long enough to hug a giraffe?

This how you do me? I got to make a tiny apple tree in my yard and just hope that one day a giraffe comes and bends his neck down. Now I'm left drugging kangaroos and looking at giraffes and dreaming. Yeah. God made you drug that kangaroo. God made you do it. If God had made kangaroos slower or weaker, then you could have just hugged him and not even sweated. God, why didn't you give me a chest able to withstand the kangaroo kick so that I could hug him?

God, I'm dead and I'm in heaven because I got kicked in the chest by a kangaroo. All I wanted was a hug. This how you do me? Thanks, God. You couldn't give me on a flip side. My bucket list did get finished. At the last, wait for the skin of my teeth. Speaking of which, I have some kangaroo skin in my teeth.

That's unpleasant. I'm going to take this out. I do not enjoy that. This is then my brother, my brother means an advice show for the modern era. I want to hear Griffin's last question. But first, real quick housekeeping. Nothing major going on right now. mbmbam.com is our website.

You can go there to find old shows. We need to get a link out there for if you don't have iTunes and you want to listen to small shows. We'll put that up on our our Tweet-O this week. We tweeted it before. We'll tweet it again. If you get a second to email us, you got a question, a query, mbmbamatmaximumfun.org. You can also send any Yahoo answers you find right there. Also, we haven't pipped this in a while.

If you want to do one of the promotional spots, if you want to get taken to the money zone, shoot an email to Teresa at maximumfund.org. That's T-H-E-R-E-S-A at maximumfund.org there. $100 for a personal message, $200 for a commercial message, and we'll fucking, we'll do you upright. We'll give you a jingle and we'll talk some shit about your shit. And we will literally endorse anything. We will endorse anything.

And this is official. I'm looking, I've got to try to find a Millwall FC t-shirt that I can wear in public. So this is real for me. This is real. That's about all we've got going on. Send your questions. If you get a second to tell a buddy about the show, say, Hallis, this thing that you would like,

go to go to this website and check it out, or, you know, burn him a CD or something, or put him a bunch of episodes on a thumb drive. Those are cheap now. You know, something to get him into the world, so you can share it with them and talk about the show with them. That would be, that would be awesome. How about some, how about some shout outs? How about my, how about my boys Stephen Strom out there on the Twitter box,

making that happen. Ed fail, a new, new convert, I think, who's out there talking, talking us up. Oh yeah. He's been all about it. Yeah. Yep. Let's give it up for Kyle Hillard. He's in the mix.

And I want to throw out, I'm glad that Ed Dizzle on Twitter also agreed with me, that Tristan is a hero and Tristan killed us on the day of the gun. Tristan fucking gotten it done. And also, I just want to say thanks to everybody who's posted pictures on Twitter of their mbmbam tote bags. Yeah. I'm loving it. Why don't you,

not only are out there in the world, reppin stuff. Haven't seen any pictures of a dog and cat in the tote bag, which I have to say I'm a little disappointed about. Yeah. No, I'm not. Which would you rather have a dog and cat in the tote bag, a tote bag full of guinea pigs, or a Joey fetus in a tote bag? That's what I'm saying.

Not a Joey fetus. I want to see, I want a tote with a full grown Joey in it. Yep. Now, is that the entire series of Joey on DVD? You want to get creative? It's up to you. If you have a friend named Joey. If you have a friend named Joey, put that bag on his head.

Who's in there? Who's in there? He has to wear a name tag or something so I can know, I can finish, you know. So, if you want to tweet about the show, make sure you use that mbmbam hashtag and spread the word. So anyway, Griffin, I'm ready. This is so appropriate to our last question. It was sent in by Jonathan Bartram.

Thank you, Johnny B. It's by a young who answers user, Mary Martin, who asks, If God is all good, why did he let me diarrhea in my pants on the fairest wheel of the fair? This is how you do me. Just a macaroy. I'm Travis McIlroy. I'm Griffin McIlroy. You're my brother, my brother, me, kiss your dad.

He's gonna wear on the lips. Keep your heart, three stacks. Keep your heart. Hey, keep your heart, three stacks. Keep your heart. Man, these girls are smart. Three stacks, these girls are smart. Play your part.