My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 536: Ratashootie

Episode Date: November 24, 2020

I guess we’re on that Christmas Creep? I dunno, seems early to us, but we don’t really have much control over the timing.Suggested talking points: Ebeneezer Christmas, Mail Soup, Mrs. Claus, Whoopsie Cheese, Bookervision, Bite Whales, Delicious Drugs BarsWays to support Black Lives Matter and find anti-racism resources: https://linktr.ee/blacklivesmatter

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother, me, and my show. But I don't want a lot this Christmas. There is just one thing I need. I don't need a lot of presents underneath the Christmas tree. Wow, that's fucking moist juice. Damn, I've heard other people make that noise before.

I've never heard anybody put that much wet on the mix. Damn. Listen, if you're doing a water drop sound effect, the wish you could do is get it moist. That sounded like a bucket dropped from a great height of water. Let me get one isolated in case we hear a new text message noise. Damn. That's a fucking deep cave dog. Yeah, that's a deep, deep cave. Your mouth is the fucking cave of secrets from all that. Yeah, deep cave where all my family's money comes from. It's a deep cave that puts food on my children's backs.

Yeah, full of treasure, just like the cave of secrets from Aladdin. Travis, did you have somewhere you wanted to go with that or? Yeah, we're ramping it up. Oh, are we on that Christmas creep? Yeah, I'm starting it today. Today, huh? You couldn't even give us the damn decency of waiting until, you know, Friday morning. Today.

He's late, honestly. The Christmas season starts November 9th, the day after Travis and Mai's birthday, because we don't want to don't want to obscure the big, the big holiday. Yeah. But that's, Justin, I would say November 9th to November 23rd. That was but preamble. Oh, here he goes on that voice again. Today begins the Christmas creep.

A swear jar for weird Dickensian sort of fancy lab traps. Start soaking your puddings. Right. Wrap your trinkets in tinsel and shine paper. Is it the riddle master that has sort of taken, is Travis more riddle? I'm his brother. Yeah. Ebenezer Christmas.

Ebenezer Christmas, like from the great book. Ebenezer Christmas is wonderful. No, he's my cousin. Right. He's, Ebenezer Scrooge, he's my cousin. Ebenezer is our family name. Right. So did you get Ghost 2 or did he just tell you about his Ghost and you're like,

oh, that sounds cool, Abe. I got, I got skeletons. Whoa. You got, it was way cooler, dude. Yeah. Did they try to teach you a, oh, you, I didn't, oh, and you cuss. Oh, yeah. Fuck, fuck, I knew Christmas fucking rules.

So what did these skeletons have for you? They taught me how to skateboard. Wow. They sound like pretty cool. Well, hey, what year do you occupy? I occupy 1993. So, but your cousins with Ebenezer Scrooge? Correct.

I'm not sure that that works, bud. Distant cousins. Through time? Yes. You're telling a word. Time cousins? I'm not sure time cousins. Okay.

His dad married my aunt. Okay. And then died 100 years ago. Yes. But the aunt stayed alive. Okay. Time cousin. Hey, how many skeletons were there?

I want to hear this story. There were 16. Wow. How long did that take? Took a long time, if I'm being honest. One of them taught me to ollie. One of them taught me to kickflip. So it was all steps.

One of them taught me to do that thing where like you jump up and it goes on a rail and you ride that for a while. A grind? I did that one. A grind, yes. One of the skeletons taught me to grind. One of the skeletons taught me to do a Christ 360.

Wow. So the skeletons know about, and this proves my theory that the skeletons do know about Christ and his cool works. Oh, yes, absolutely. One of them came straight from heaven, was one of those heaven skeletons. Heaven skeletons are like, you have me behind. Yeah.

So these skeletons today, was it like Bob Bernquist was one of them and Bucky Lasik, Andrew Reynolds? Are these the skeletons, or were they just like sort of, you know, unnamed punk skeletons? One of them was Tony Hawk's old skeleton. Oh, before you got it replaced with, yeah, sure. Yeah. Yeah, if memory serves, he did a skeleton swap

with Bam Margera, but Bam's didn't quite fit. And so it was just a bonus, a bonus, bonus bones. Bonus bones. Yes, correct. All right, well, there's probably nowhere else for this story or character to go. Well, then Tony Hawk's old skeleton and I fell in love. Okay.

Oh, okay, now I'm back in. I was losing interest, but now I'm very much in. We dated for three years, then we moved in together, but that only lasted nine months. Before we decided we'd be better off as friends and occasional lovers. Oh, so you still fuck. Thank you.

We still fuck. Yeah. But we don't live together. We don't cohabitate anymore. That's fine. It's 2020, nobody lives together. But do you explain a little bit sort of like in detail of what that looks like?

If this lover is. That's one fucking of skills it might do. The options are endless. I guess it's mostly vacuous space. I prefer kneecap. Okay, that's actually the one that you can't. I think you actually picked the only one that can't. You don't know what my genitals are like.

That's true. He probably got those old English genies. That's right, the original issue. Old English genies, those juice, I don't know if you know, those were a wild, wild scenario. Anyway, this is our Christmas episode. Yes. It's not our candlelight, not our candlelight episode.

That one's later. This one we're giving straight up to Christmas every 10 years. We like to break one off for, well, Jesus's birthday. Yeah, especially for that one. For tiny, tiny Jesus. Yeah, the little one. Uh, so do we want to, I feel like I shouldn't be leading the wagon, but I feel like I am.

And that's not usually my role. So I'm going to step on back behind the curtain and let Justin. I recently made potato soup. All right. And shared some with my neighbor. I put in, I put it in a large Mason jar and delivered it to her. She ate the soup. And then a few days later, call to tell me she put the jar in my mailbox.

I was heading to work and didn't check the mailbox. And then long story short, I didn't remember to check the jar until two days later. It wasn't there, but there was mail. Did the mail carrier steal my Mason jar? Yep. And should I leave a note asking for a back? That's from post-Poloin in Pennsylvania. Woo.

Wow. Okay. So this is, if you lived in Texas, this wouldn't be a thing because literally, if I stretch both my arms out and spin in a like 360 degree circle, I'm going to knock six to seven Mason jars off of surfaces in my house. The postal service. Wait, where did they come from Griffin? Just from living in Texas.

I got some over here. I'm brewing some sarsaparilla pickles. And over there, I mean, these three were for all my morning juices that I drink and secrete. And this one over here, I just like, this is my lucky jar. I try to keep this one on me at all times. And this one here has got a bug trapped under it. Well, you can't get rid of that one or the bug will be free. I want to step outside the bit real quick and do a quick derailment this morning.

A big fucking lizard got in my house. Not when these cute little guys were like, oh, like you're walking down the stairs at night. And you're like, oh, look at that. It's a little tiny list. This is a, this was a fucking size of my hand ass lizard. This is a big boy. A real lizard. A real lizard.

Did it have like one of those angry faces where it's like, this is a lizard that kills things? He didn't seem, oh no, he wasn't angry or anything like that. But he did move fast and unpredictably, which is the worst kind of way that a lizard can move when I'm interfacing with it. So I, I, but I took care of it. Well, that's, and that's, and that's all I'm going to say. No, Griffin, you actually can't do that. And that's all I'm going to say.

When you say you took care of it, did you mean you kind of maybe yelped a little bit and it went somewhere and you didn't see where it went and you're choosing to pretend like. It's a Schrodinger's lizard at this point. Is it in my house still? Is it not my house still? I don't know. It was there and then it scurried and then it wasn't there anymore. I've done that move.

I've done that move, uh, with spiders. Everyone in my home that isn't me is very afraid of spiders. And they're always like, get over here, you big burly man and execute this fucking bug. And I'm like, I'm not going to kill a spider that's very bad. If it seems bad, juju, I don't want to do it. It seems like bad luck. Right. I don't want to.

So I'm not going to kill a spider. So I'll, I'll shepherd them into a thing. And sometimes when you're trying the passive route with a spider, it's going to, it's going to, you know, it's going to get away. But a lot of times I'll just fake, like, just pretend like, no, no, no, I got him. I got him. I got him. When last I saw my, my, my lizard friend, he was close to the front door.

So I'm just, I'm just, I do like the fake balled up paper towel. Like, oh no, he's in here. I got a hurry. Open the door. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good one.

He's definitely in here. Oh, that's a good one. I like that one. So the postal service worker probably didn't steal your mason jar. Nobody wants an old soupy mason jar. Really, Trav? Really? After the year, after the year that they've had, you want to play, no, no, no, no.

Okay. I am not going to say they stole it. I'm going to say they took it. And here's why I'm going to say that. And here's why I'm changing the wording. Because there was a stamp on it. Because there was a stamp on it. No, you left it in there for three days.

A mason jar ain't small. I don't know how big this mailbox is, but it's definitely not big enough that a mason jar went unnoticed. For it seems like upwards of two to maybe two and a half days. So there were at least two checks, maybe three. Or this mail carrier, probably by the third one said, I guess. This has to be mail. It's got to be mail.

It must be mail. Why are they getting it? Like they put this in here. It's not like when somebody puts a two liter bottle in their toilet, like to use less water. This isn't so I put less mail in the box. I have to take it. And they took it. Here's the thing, folks.

And I'm sorry to be the one that break this to you if you don't know about mail law. But the mailbox is not your house. The mailbox is the mail carrier's house. That's their little house, okay? You put letters into their house. They take letters out because they're like, who left letters in my house? They'll put letters for you into their house. It's still their house.

You don't decide to put decorations on the inside of it. You don't try to spruce it up with various lacquers. You can do that on the outside. You do that on the outside. You do whatever you want on the inside. They can put up a fucking poster of Pamela Anderson from Baywatch. They can do whatever they want. And they will.

They can personalize it, kid it out, put some shag carpet in your little disco ball in there. It's not your fucking business. That's their house. There's not a lot of examples of this. I mean, we don't do like milk delivery people anymore. I can't think of another airlock of possession like a mailbox is, where it's like, I'm going to put this in here. And while it's in there, it is both mine and yours until you remove it.

Yeah. The mail carrier could store crack cocaine in the mailbox. They could put it in there for them and have someone else come trade it for money. And you're like, did you do this from my mailbox? And they'll have to crack you by it. No, no, no, no, no. That's my property on the inside. It's none of your fucking business what I do with your mailbox.

I'll do whatever I want. You're lucky I take your letters to other people. I could just throw them in the trash. I don't think I could do that actually. That would be a violation of federal law, but it's their house. They can do whatever they want. And you left a big, sinky jar in there. If you come to my house and you leave a big, sinky potato jar on the floor,

I'm going to throw it away. It's my house. Oh, that's another option is that mail called garbage and said, hey, garbage, it's me mail. Just want to let you know they hid a little bit of garbage from you in my mail house in the box I called, in my little dead drop that is their mailbox. And now I'm worried that they put some of their letters into a trash can. If you put an unmailed letter into your garbage and the garbage guys took it away,

there's no one who'd be like, how dare you? Right. That was mail, not garbage. Clearly. That's why you can't throw a toilet away. Garbage calls plumbing. Says, hey. They put it back in.

They did it again. These guys are trying to chop and screw their services. And I don't like it. Do you guys want a yahoo? Yes, please. Yeah, I think this one's good. This one's so wild and I deliberated to not bring it, but then I am. Because it is part of what could be a new segment called, hey yahoo, are you guys okay?

That is a wild thing to hear you say after 535 episodes. Yeah. It's terrifying to me. My butthole clenched hearing you say this is a wild one. This is a wild one. So the question it was sent in by a couple people. It's from a yahoo answers user skater mom of five. Wow.

Absolutely fucking rips. And skater mom of five asks, what do we really know about Mrs. Claus? There are 33 answers on this one, which is a lot for yahoo. First of all, anytime you write the word Santa on yahoo, it changes the colors to make it red and green, which it seems unnecessary, like completely unnecessary. But the answers that literally 100% of the people who have answered this question have submitted are absolutely fucking batshit wild outer space, fucking gadzooks, loony tunes out there,

wild man shit. And I'm just going to break you off a few pieces. Please. For all the cartoons and stories and rumors, we really don't know much about Mrs. Claus. Rumors? Yeah, you know, the Santa Claus rumors. We really don't know much about Mrs. Claus. I do know that she exists since when I talk to Santa and I ask her how she is,

he usually says that she's well and sends her good wishes. It was a cool way to start out. It's a cool way to start out. Well, I know that Santa is the Santa Claus. Side note Griffin, the way you phrase that, the way that the person has phrased this, does make it sound like Santa might have killed Mrs. Claus and is covering that up. How's Mrs. Claus? Oh, she's fine.

She's fine. She's very, very good. She's fine, fine, fine, fine. She's just, oh, she's so busy right now. She can't come to the phone. Boy, there sure are a lot of places to bury somebody on the North Pole, huh? Right. They would never catch him.

That's why he keeps the reindeer's. The reindeer's don't eat whenever you feed them. Yeah. Here's another one, just literally the next one. Well, I know that Santa's the center of my everything and he really does love cookies and milk and even hot cocoa. The elves sometimes love to tease him. As for me, I love to bake and help out in the workshop and my main job is cooking and cleaning

and picking up and doing laundry. Okay, so they are, huh, interesting. They are inhabiting Mrs. Claus of this one. There are no quotation marks with all the little ones around here. I have a full-time job too. I must care for the animals and take them to appointments. So the reindeer's get sick? The reindeer's get sick?

I think the little ones are the elves. The animals get sick and I have to take them to appointments and when the elves have soccer games or school or work, I help them with that too. Bedtime Santa and I both try to do together. Bedtime stories are a must at our house. We often go over the naughty and nice list together before bed and then we read our Bible checking on the elves and animals. And we kiss each other good night and I set the cocoa machine before bed and we

sleep in and in the morning. And then in the morning, we fuck? Then we fuck like fucking wild dogs. I don't like this idea of Santa Claus as a follower of Christ. Okay. Because for me, I don't understand a Christian who's like, I'm going to make this kid's birthday all about me. Right.

Because that's what he did. You know what I mean? I want to make this one about me. Santa really took that one away from Jesus, didn't he? Yeah. He did. I don't see Jesus on Coke cans. All right.

Just like the Energizer buddy took over Easter. Jesus helped one out. Cadbury bunny. When fucking Bart Simpson took Easter with all of his great Butterfinger commercials. Here's another one, literally the next one. Mrs. Claus used to be invented to assuage matters over Santa's loneliness. All right, all right, all right. Children normally requested if Santa had a spouse and youngsters.

So if you shoot creator or advertiser, determine sure. However, they just have the youngsters of this sector to like and none in their possess. So like this, if I'm reading this correctly, that Mrs. Claus was invented because kids would come up to Santa and be like, damn, Santa, are you getting some, though, dog? You getting some up there and up in the pole? You getting the pole up in the pole center? Probably not.

Originally, the answer when he got asked that was he would just say, I've got ho ho hoes in different area codes. Travis, it's funny that you say that just a few more down. I heard that she's married to a ho ho ho aka Santa old St. Nick Chris Kringle. You're getting cold and you're stalking for blabbing him. Shame on you. Don't know what none of that does or means it. Here's one that she is married to Santa Claus and out.

Bing, bang, boom, and we're done. Oh, here's the only thing you know about her. Shame on you, sir. Shame on you. Like you didn't know this one from an anonymous user. She sits while her husband, Santa, and his elves do all the work. She also can't have kids unless Santa's sperm is bad. Killer, she is probably sitting at home getting visits from a Tiger Woods.

She's the driving force behind a legend of Santa Claus. I like that one. I like that one, too. I like the strong woman behind the man angle. I love that one. She was bitten three nights ago by me. Her name is now Mrs. claustrophobic because she's trapped in my cellar. Yahoo! Hey!

It's me, Griffin. Hey, I see your trap down there and that big, big, deep hole. I got a rope here. Do you need help? I can pull you out. So just I'm confused by that. They bit Mrs. Claus and that led her to being trapped in the basement or is there a step in there?

They got bit and then that means they get to keep on. Oh, next one. Lone Wolf. Santa always wears a cup. Not the question, but thank you very much. I feel like that person pulled up a convertible like, hey, I'd like to throw my fucking thing in here. If he got time, Santa wears a cup.

George, we know you mentioned it anytime we talk about literally anything. Fucking back to back. She's all warm, rosy cheek, joyful with a merry laugh and sweet. This is the only answer of these 33 that got a thumbs down reaction from somebody. Literally next. She likes-

You're not buying into the fiction enough. Literally next. She likes to stay close to the pole. Hussey! Yahoo! I wish I could put a website in timeout. Can I fucking call, I guess, Elon? Like, I don't want to.

But is there anybody who can pull a website in timeout? Santa. That's the thing. This is going to get back to old Chris Kringle and he's going to be like, what did you say about my wife? Or, ultimately, he's going to be like, honey, is there something you need to tell me? A few of the people on this said that they have

had sexual congress with you. Which seems unlikely, but I have to inquire. Well, Christmas is cancelled this year because me and the Mrs. need to go do couples counseling. She poked someone and got locked in their basement. Missed Christmas. And we were supposed to read the Bible tonight. To the man who has my wife locked in his basement.

I have a particular set of skills. If it was five answers and all of them were this wild, that'd be one thing. If there were 15 answers and a couple of them were this wild, it would be one thing. This is 33 answers, which, with very few exceptions, are just like... Yeah, I heard her and the headless horseman fucked and Santa's got old jizz.

He's got broken jingle balls. He's got broken jingle balls. And I heard that she likes to huff reindeer shit to get high. I mean, while Yahoo's like, we made the words red and green. It's festive. Is this like a special sub-Yahoo? I don't know if this exists, but is there a layer on this where it's sort of an RP Yahoo answers

where you can really inhabit the world? I do not believe so. I think it's just the regular ass busted up fucking Yahoo answers website that nobody wants. Nobody will pay for and invest in this money. This website is burning money. I do not understand how it's still out. I'm grateful for it because of the capital C content.

But what the fuck else, like we couldn't make quibby work, but fucking Yahoo answers is financially soluble. Cram have moved on to other to greener pastures. It's an abandoned building with like Russian teens doing toilet cocaine in the in the busted up bathroom. It's ruined. It's gone. It's beyond repair.

This is what is left here on Yahoo. I'll buy it. Let's fucking buy it. This would be an incredible investment. And what a turner. What a story. If it's like, oh, do you remember how 11 years ago we started and we included some weird, silly questions.

Now we own those questions. Those are our. We built them back. This is our sea biscuit. Oh, how about another question? Yeah, I'd love that. Here it comes. Okay.

I work in the cheese shop of a liquor store. And I'm pretty new to the job because of this. I will often butcher pieces of cheese to the point. Well, you're already doing it bad. Yeah. You shouldn't butcher the cheese. That's for me only. My manager tells me to throw them away,

but I always feel like that's such a waste. I would love to take them home with me. How do I casually bring this up to ask if I could take the cheese preferably for free? Or should I just take it anyway? Please help. That's from please help me steal this cheese. Oh, that's a slippery slope.

Oh boy. That's rough. Well, we needed it. Obviously, here's a joke. You don't butcher a cheese. You cut it a cheese, and that's very fucking funny. But for real, though, what verb are we doing? Do we mong...

Do you mong the cheese? You monger the cheese. You monger the cheese. Mongering is selling. Mongering is the selling of it. Yeah. I believe carving is what an artist does. Slice it.

Slice it. No, Justin, fuck you. Everyone slices their cheese at home. I'm carving the cheese. I'm opening the slice of cheese. This is artisanal. I'm unwrapping the slice of cheese. No.

For the sandwich I'm making. I'm blooming the cheese. Today, we're letting the cheese bloom. Today, I'm going to throw this big block of cheese up on that light bulb in my ceiling fan. I'm going to smush the cheese. I'm going to smush it. That's what you could tell your boss that I didn't mess it up.

I was blooming the cheese. I was blooming it. Oh, you don't bloom here? I don't bloom cheese here. It's all the thing at the Patisserie. I used to work it in Pharrell Ranch. And Pharrell. And me and Pharrell used to work in Pharrell.

It's at the Patisserie. He would chop up all of the cheese bad into little unsellable chunks and we would make nachos. His strange large hat is the main from cheese. I sliced, or rather, a bunch of it on myself. Go through the trouble of going to a place that specifically sells cheese.

Even if it is inside a liquor store, you better put on a fake French accent for a reason. That's fair. Okay, here's the problem with this. You accidentally cut cheese bad. Yeah. And you're like, I can take this home. Great.

But how does your boss know you accidentally cut the cheese bad if you're like, I can just take it? Yeah. But then again, just throwing it away, is that better? Okay, okay, okay. I think you take it without a word. You can have your cheese and eat it too here if you do. This is an honest mistake, right?

I believe in you. We don't have any Steelers or Sinners or, you know, Thieves. Real Mrs. Clauses. Real Mrs. Clauses, if you know what Travis is saying. But, so like, you can make this work for you. Innocent crime, let me take home the scrapple. Don't just throw it away. But what you do have to do to sort of get rid of any

appearance of impropriety is every time you do fuck this cheese up with your clumsy oaf hands, is you've got to go, uh-oh! Every single time, so that your boss does know that mistakes and bloopsies have been done. Yeah. And I think the more it draws attention to your mistake, the more your boss will be like,

they are definitely not doing this on purpose because you can't be on purpose. No human being would repeat the thing that they're doing just for a free morsel of cheese, like some kind of Dickensian mouse. Yeah, like fucking Monterey Jack from the Rescue Rangers. Correct. Now, I am now thinking about being at a,

she's probably already in front and looking at all of their impressive hunks that they've got and trying to think about what's going to go best, what's going to go best for my big adult party I'm having that night. And I go to the cheese monger and I say, I'm looking for something that's going to pair well with a very oaky scotch.

And I was wondering if you, and then I hear from the back room, Uh-oh! I'm probably, I might, I might take my business. I don't know what I would do in that scenario. But if you're at one of the finest from Marjolise in the nation of France. And they said, and you hear from the back, they hear you hear,

Zoot-a-lore! Zoot-a-lore! Zoot-a-lore! I fucked it up again! Suck my blue, I fucked it up! Sacre bleu cheese, I fucked it, it's all over the floor. Hey boss, I did it again, I dropped it on the floor. Oh, ratatouille!

You told me not to cut it in my hand, and I held it in my hand and I cut it, and I got blood on the dang thing. That is the thing, if I hear, oh no, in any location where cutting is 50% of the job or more, I assume someone has just been mutilated. A slicer cut has happened. Although, damn, it would be a power move though,

for if the boss came back and was like, what did you do to this cheese? You can just be like, don't blame me, blame my ratatouille. Then you lift up your hat. My ratatouille did it! And he's like, oh, you're doing a ratatouille? And you say, yeah, sorry. He says, no, he lifts up his hat.

I've been doing a ratatouille too. Wait, are we all doing ratatouille? But you don't actually cook anything here. Like, yeah, my rat does business. Have a business rat. He went, he got his degree in accounting. Hey, I'm here. Do you think there was a rat who heard about Remy

and was like, hell yeah, I've always wanted to be a sniper, an elite sniper? Ratatouille too. No one told me I can't do, I'm ratatouille. Couldn't do it. So now I'm going to do it. And I don't care about critics because I shoot them because that's my fucking bag, baby.

Oh, man. That's ratashute is really good juice. I just want to let you know that. Well, thanks. Let's write on the title of that great joke. Amazing. Whip win. Yeah, ratashute, I guess was a quip.

That seems a little reductive though. It was more kind of a statement of purpose. Justin, you dumb piece of shit. I'm talking about the toothbrush company. Not a funny joke, although quip could also mean a funny joke. But what I mean is the toothbrush company with their new smart electric toothbrush and using said smart electric toothbrush,

good habits can earn you great perks, like free products, give cards and more, how it works, you connected to your phone. You use this thing called Bluetooth. It's like a Viking thing. And it connects your phone. And then as you brush your teeth, your phone goes, hey, good job brushing your teeth, Travis.

I'm very proud of you. And so I'm going to give you a gift card to someplace because I'm so proud of you. My precious good tooth boy. It works just like that. And with the $45 quip smart brush, which is now for adults and kids, you could be doing this yourself at home,

not just listening to me brag about my good teeth, but you could be getting good teeth too. And if you already have a quip, you can upgrade it with a smart motor and keep all the features you love. Plus you get brush heads, toothpaste and floss refills delivered for $5. Those floss things, by the way, are amazing.

It's like some space age flossing stuff. I love it. So start getting rewards for brushing your teeth today and go to getquip.com slash my brother right now to get your first refill free. That's your first refill free at getquip.com slash my brother. That's G-E-T-Q-U-I-P.com slash my brother. Quip, better oral health, made simple and rewarding.

I'm a dad. What? I'm not, yeah, I'm not afraid to admit it. And this week, my wife has been working at the hospital as she is want to do. And then yes, I do permit it. It's very progressive of me. I agree.

But that leaves me in charge of two rambunctious kids that half of which are not in school as much as I would have thought they would have been just a scant year ago. So I'm a busy dad trying to make it on my own. You know what my secret weapon is when lunchtime is around the corner? Alcohol.

Boo, little scotchy scotch. A little something, a little snoot for dad, but then for the kids. And a little sip for them. I don't reach for a container of mac and cheese. I reach for my phone to have someone bring me back in cheese that's done. Thank you, DoorDash, for helping me to keep my children fit.

I asked them. It's fun for them. I let them pick. What are you guys in the mood for? You can have whatever you want, because DoorDash has like a bajillion restaurants, local places too, so you can support local businesses that you can't or shouldn't be attending in person right now.

You can still support them with DoorDash. Justin, what do they say they want? They want a little cacavon, huh? They want a little cacavon, a little chicken tendales. Ordering's easy. Open the app. You look for the food you want to eat. You order the food they bring it to you.

It's beautiful. It's fast. It's efficient. It really is. Made my life, especially when I am watching two, yes, two children on my own. All by yourself? Yeah, that's twice as many people as I am.

You know what, I have also a little life hack from me to you. Got a friend whose birthday it is, or maybe they're having a bad day? DoorDash, I'm a cupcake or two from a local bakery. Just 17. Brighten up their day. Right now, our listeners can get $5 off their first order or $15 or more and zero delivery fees for the first month

when you download the DoorDash app and enter code BROTHER. That's $5 off your first order and zero delivery fees for a month when you download the DoorDash app and the app store and enter code BROTHER. Don't forget, that's code BROTHER for $5 off your first order with DoorDash. Hey friends, Jesse here, the founder of Maximum Fun, and I have some really great news to share with you. This year has brought a lot of changes for all of us,

and one tradition that we were grateful to be able to hold onto is our annual pin sale to benefit charity. This year, through your generosity and love of pins, you helped raise $95,400, forgive directly. If you're a member and you bought pins, they'll ship in January. In the meantime, your support will provide direct cash relief to families impacted by COVID-19 across the United States.

Even in this incredibly tough year, the Maxfun community remains extraordinarily kind. And whether or not you bought pins, you can continue to help by heading to givedirectly.org. And that's always, thank you. Um, do y'all want another yahoo? I love that, Griffin. Okay, this one was sent in by TheWizardBinCant.

Thank you for asking about it. Oh, sure. Yeah, if you could imagine if I actually did it for real, what, that's real bad boy behavior, not me. An Anonymous Yahoo Answers user asked this. I'm gonna call Jamesons, asks, How do I stop my boyfriend from reading me bedtime stories without hurting his feelings?

My boyfriend recently started reading me bedtime stories a couple of weeks ago. It was a joke at first because I'd said I wouldn't be able to sleep when I downed three coffees that afternoon. The problem is he has done it every night since. And he makes terrible mouth noises. I don't even know where they are coming from. It only happens when he's reading out loud.

It makes me so irrationally angry and annoyed that it takes me even longer to fall asleep than before. I am tired and exhausted, but I love this man. Please help. And that's from Rosario Dawson. That's from Scarlett Johansson, complaining about funny man Colleges. Can we all, why did she label it?

Nobody knows. Until we got to the mouth sounds part, I was thinking, this sounds nice. I just, listen, I also am a dad and I also have two kids. And when I'm putting the older one to bed, I will read her a book. I don't do this for the young one because she doesn't know what a book is. I'll sing her songs, don't worry.

But I read to the older one and every time I do, I think, who's going to put me to bed? Where's the 12 foot tall person who's going to carry me upstairs, make sure I go potty and put me to bed? That's all I want. Mine is Matthew McConaughey on the column app. He just sets me up. Oh yeah?

He's got a story on there. He talks about the infinite, the infinite light of the universe. In many ways out there. I think maybe ASMR artists read me bedtime stories now that I'm thinking about it. That's a good way of thinking about it. Maybe that's it. It's like a bedtime story where someone pretends

to give you a cranial nerve exam. Yes, or maybe eat some Kentucky Fried Chicken in front of me. You don't do that stuff, bud. I don't like hearing about you. I will not sit here in front of our audience who are basically our kids and be besmirched by you, sir. Just because you're so small-minded, you won't watch someone eat a bunch of noodles. It's perverse.

You're perverse. The idea that you would willingly subject yourself to food-eating noises is honestly, Travis, the worst thing about you. What would you rather? The playlist is not short. What would you rather? I'm watching. Well detailed.

You want me to watch whale noises? You wail pervert? Huh? Is that what you want? For me to hear whales talking to each other? Or maybe just maybe. And you've also chosen, by the way, a beautiful animal sound. So maybe try harder.

You don't fucking know what they're saying with those dirty birds. You can't even come up with something that is more foul than what you're describing because there isn't anything. I'm just saying that to me, hearing whales shit-talk dolphins, which is what it is. Let's be honest. It's what it is. That's what it is.

They're little whales. They're shit-talking dolphins. Look at these dumb, small whales. You think that's better than me enjoying someone having the news? A Popeye's chicken sandwich? That's how they shit-talk the sun, too. Look at that huge, bright whale. It's not even in the water.

That's a shitty whale. What are these white, puffy whales? And these whales with wings don't get me started. Look up there touching the water. It's a, the beach. It's like a giant whale made of very small whales. I'm going to swim up and crush it. Oh, no!

Oh, no! What have I done? Someone blow me up. I messed up. You got to... What if the whale was both conscious and speaking English? Like, listen, I got bad news for you. You're going to have to blow me up.

You're going to have so small a whale. There has to be other options. No, no, no, no, no. Listen, don't let me get stinky out here. It's going to take me days to die. Please just blow me up. Look at some of those round red exploding whales and tuck them in my hollow rotten stomach.

I want to go meet the big whale up in the giant whale. Get the big blue whale. Hey, do you guys ever look up at the big black whale with those little shining whales in it and wonder, are there any other whales out there? I mean, other than the billions of visible and non-visible microscopic whales around us every day. But I mean, are there other whales on other whales

up there looking back at our whale with us on it? I can't wait to go meet the big Sky Whale and say, hey, Sky Whale, what was the deal with Bailene? That shit is weird. I feel like the best option. Could you have given me some bigger whales to eat? You gave me tiny whales. One time a bird accidentally fell in the water and drowned,

and I seen him and he didn't have Bailene. So what's up, Sky Whale? Hey, hey, big blue whale, why did thou name me after Jizz? Not cool, dude. Couldn't we have just been Jeff Whales? My name's Jeff, and most of us are down here. Hey, big blue whale, how come there's no whale week on TV? We're way cooler.

We're way bigger. Yeah. Way bigger. What if they decide they're going to eat all the sharks or mean whales as they call them? Yeah, bitey whales. Bite whales. They're going to eat all the bitey whales

so they get a week of their very own. Like, they're talking to killer whales and it's like, hey, you're kind of a go-between between us and the bitey whales. Tell them we want to join up. We want to join up whales and bitey whales together. Oh, we'll be unstoppable. Hey, big blue whale, why didn't you call us killer whales? You know, I'm a dad.

And first, in a podcaster's second, and a floutist third. See, now there's distance between them. Okay, great, great. I can think of other things people do. I've still got it. How about another question? You all know that Cory Booker read Reed's books to Rosario Dawson over the phone.

Yeah, that's why I mentioned Rosario Dawson earlier. That's the sort of this that Cory Booker provides to his girlfriend, Rosario Dawson? I don't read Us Weekly or wherever. Wow. I have to send for this kind of. Okay, I'm just saying it's a dope strat. That's a dope love strat.

I like that. Now it's nice. No, it's definitely nice. Good morning, Rosario Dawson. Would you like to hear more of the lovely bones? Here's the very hungry caterpillar. Would you like more of the lovely bones today? Aren't you busy running for president?

No, no, no, don't worry about that. I'm sure that one will go swimmingly. I get all my news from your stories. So if you were or weren't running, I'd have to hear about it one of your stories because you don't let me watch the TV. No, you just get lovely bones in Booker vision. In Booker phonic sound.

I've got a scarf today. You know that what that means. I'm going to be enjoying, you're going to be enjoying some more Dr. Doolittle. Here we go. Pygmalion chapter one in Booker vision. Here is another question from me to you. Okay.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little under six months. I've only met her family a handful of times, but her mother recently asked me to buy her shrooms. We got to be a little bit more, that could mean, that sentence could mean 18 different things. We've got to be a little bit more specific here. Is it possible I will be doing shrooms with her?

How do I make a shroom trip with my girlfriend's mother, not an entirely awkward experience? That's from, this is going to be a disaster in Denver, which with that at a day, it will be. Is it possible? Is it possible that your girlfriend's mother asked you to go to the store and buy her some regular. With some nice cremini for the Thanksgiving stuff?

Just some baby bellies. Did she say, hey, could you buy me some mushrooms? And what she meant was for dinner on Friday, and not perhaps a psychotropic. It's a test. I don't want to get into semantics, but there's still mushrooms, aren't they? I mean, you have that.

How? It is a test. And I don't know which kind, because it's either a test to see if you're a fucking wasteoid, or it could be a test to see if you're cool and like to party and cool enough to hang with the mom. The dad doesn't want to hear, dad doesn't want to hear,

he turns his head away from this stuff that the mom likes to do, which is get whacked out, get totally fucking suited. Is it also possible that she wants the shrooms not to do them with you though? She's going to take them back to her house and just kind of enjoy them with a nice glass of wine and a relaxing film. It's very possible to the point where I would say

it is far more impossible that your girlfriend's mother, who you barely know, said, hey, you know what would be fun shrooming with what's his face? Yeah, I, folks, I've bought some drugs in my time. And it is, I would say, the time and the person I've bought the drugs from is the person I'm hoping to do drugs with has been, I would say, in the minority, for me personally.

I don't think that's what your girlfriend's mother is planning, right? What I do like to question asker is what you decided to do in this scenario was not to ask your girlfriend what the girlfriend's opinion might be, but rather ask the three of us who know this mother even less than you do. If that's even possible. So I'm going to say, fucking do it, bro.

Yeah, just go for it. I think that would be fun as hell. I haven't shroomed in the dog's age. Shroomed? Is that accepted? Probably not. Is that the accepted? I haven't, let's say, I haven't mushed in forever. Mushed is good.

Yeah. I like mush. I haven't had a full-blown mushy in forever. Right. And I would love to just mush it up with somebody and get to know them through that experience. I will say this, though. Okay.

Now, wait a minute. Hold on. If the girlfriend's mother was asking you to buy shrooms, they don't, maybe they're not that looped in. They just think they'd like to try it. Are you willing to take the responsibility of like, here's some shrooms, do the right amount of them. I guess.

Don't eat a bunch or too little. Well, yeah. Yeah. Best of luck. Like, I feel like they're going to need, here's something decent you could do. You could offer to just be a drug Sherpa. Oh, yeah.

You've got to have a spotter. Listen, let me spot you. Let me take you to the, let me help you find the safe rooms in your house, the rooms that become safe during the experience. I'll make sure you don't order too much pizza just to experience it. Let me remind you that your life water

has become incredibly warm, and you could probably get a new life water out of the fridge to enjoy that. I know a lot of people. I'm not going to brag. I know a lot of people. Here he goes. I don't know any of them,

maybe a small handful of very close confidants, that I would- A lot of, a lot of, uh, uh, cortisol on this. I'm just saying, I don't know many people that I would be like, I think this is a person who could get me shrooms. Like, I don't know.

That's such a bold maneuver to pause it, like, you are giving off perhaps a certain kind of energy question asker that I personally love. Travis, you have presupposed that there, you can have multiple people in your life that you know they could get you shrooms. I don't think that that is true for anybody, but I would argue that most people of a certain age

definitely know that one person that can for sure get you shrooms. And it is wild that you have become that person to your lover's mother. And can you? Because like, you don't address in this like, I don't know how to, you seem like you would be able to.

That doesn't seem to be the question. Yeah. One time a girl in gym class offered to sell me a single Vicodin in a baggie. And I didn't even, I was so unplugged in that I couldn't even really process that that's what was sort of occurring. And I was so afraid that it was a crime to even hear

talking that I got scared and just kind of walked away. But later I started thinking about like, no one, and here's the thing, I'm 40 years old now, no one had ever seen me like that before. And no one ever saw me like that again. And I still wonder to this day, what was the vibe that I gave her that I've never given another living human being

where it's like, this seems like the kind of guy who buy a single Vicodin in a baggie. Justin, I've never thought about this before, but now you're making me think about the fact, no one's ever asked me if I A, want to buy drugs, or B, nowhere to buy drugs. Like this is never, and I think I'm, I think I'm approachable.

I think I'm cool. You know, I've got purple hair. Yeah, I'm approachable, definitely. But no one has ever, they've offered me drugs, don't get me wrong. They've offered me drugs. Yeah, we're probably. But they've never asked if I wanted to buy them,

or said, hey, do you know where to buy it? It's just never, huh. One time I was visiting, when I was in college, I went over to my girlfriend's like old friend's place. He lived in a frat house to go play Halo, because you know, I was trying to, just trying to gratiate myself to her friends and went over there and realized nobody else was there.

I thought it was going to be more of a sort of land party vibe, but no, it was just me and this gentleman, and we played some Halo, and he made some remarks. And then at one point, he said, hey man, do you want some Xanny bars? And I said, oh yeah, thinking that that was going to be some sort of delectable. Some sort of tasty thing.

Like I thought maybe the frat house just had a bake sale. And then he brought out like. My man Xanny makes these bars. He makes them so good. Fucking condensed milk, coconut. He brought out this cloudy sandwich bag of what were very clearly pills. And I said, oh no, I don't.

No, sorry, sorry. That's on him. That's on him. These are antacids, because we're about to eat so many Xanny bars. Marshmallow and chocolate chips, Xanny bars, maybe. Sorry, I thought you said Zanzibars. And I would have loved that.

That one's on him though, Griffin. That's not your fault, because that's not in the bar form at all. So like, what the fuck was he even talking about? I don't know. I didn't do much research into it after the fact. I was one. My honestly, was I embarrassed? Yes.

Was I embarrassed that I whiffed it that bad in front of somebody who, just moments before, I intended to impress in some way. Yes. But was that embarrassment completely overshadowed by my disappointment that I wasn't about to eat some delicious gooey, moist Xanny bars? Yeah.

Something you've never even heard of before. Never even heard of, but damn, I was so certain in that moment that I was gonna fucking yummy those up. Damn it. Hey, thank you so much for listening to our podcast, My Brother and My Brother and Me. We hope you've enjoyed yourself. We hope you're having a good week.

Just a reminder to stay at home this week and don't gather with your family who don't see every single day. There's no special magic about this. Well, there's love. There's holiday love. No, but not a special magic that's going to protect you from getting that. COVID don't care about love.

If there's one thing I've learned from that hit country and Western song, COVID don't care about love, it's that COVID don't care about love. COVID don't care about love. Yeah. So please be safe, be smart. No, I will say, speaking of love, thank you to everybody who came to the live show, who watched the live show.

It was such a fun experience and everybody, you were so lovely afterwards and you're going to make us want to do it again. Yeah, we will never tour again. This is it. This is it. Yeah. Are you kidding?

This is our new Wally style of touring. I got to fucking sleep in my bed that night, my bed. I got to, right before the show, I took a shower and I used my special prescription strength at Tide Dandruff Shampoo in my shower. I am never leaving the house again. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Thanks to John Roderick in the long winters for these for our theme song. It's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. Great tunes. Good friends, good fun, good tunes. Great tunes. I want to tell you.

And thanks to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. Yes, indeed. There's a really great podcast I'd like to tell you about. It's called The Besties. And if you like me have been unable to obtain either a PlayStation 5 or an Xbox Series X. And you went, He's about to pivot into asking our listeners.

For sure, for sure, for sure. No, no, no. I was going to say, if you want to hear people talk about them and long to one day rest your hands upon their new sleek bodies. Well, then you're going to want to check out The Besties. It's Justin Griffin and our friends Russ Frushtick and Chris Plant talking about the latest and greatest in video game inter-gamement.

And it's super fun. It's like one of my favorite podcasts and my favorite gaming podcast. Almost that is true. Yeah, but it's not. I don't miss an episode. And I'm very excited to hear you guys talk about your Game of the Year lists.

That's always one of my favorite points in the show. So make sure you check that out. And also, if you enjoy The Great British Bake Off, Teresa and I have been discussing the latest season on our podcast, Bake On, which you can find in your pod catcher. And also on our YouTube channel, MacRoy Family, go check out MacRoyMerch.com for all the cool merches there.

This is your last week to get the pin of the month that benefits the Levelyn Foundation, which is committed to showing up for communities of color in unique and powerful ways with a particular focus on women and girls. Don't forget to pre-order our book, The MacRoyPigasBook.com. You can pre-order everybody as a podcast except you. You can also pre-order the Adventures in Crystal Kingdom,

which is book, what, four? Yes. Of our graphic novel series. You can get that over at TheAdventuresZoneComic.com. And the Sawbones book is out in paperback on December 29th. It's newly revised and updated for 2020. And you can get that at bit.ly slash Sawbones paperback. Nice. Thank you.

I guess, yeah, here comes that. Yeah, finally, yeah. Yeah, wrap it up. Like a billion people sent this one. And thank you, everybody. It's from Yahoo AnswersUserQuest, your mark, who asks, why do big, beautiful men love putting so much seasonings on their food? My name is Justin McElroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad. Just go wear on the lips. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist-owned, audience-supported.