My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 537: Bros Better, Bros Best, Ch. 134 - 152

Episode Date: November 30, 2020

We weren’t able to record last week, so we dipped back into the Best Of well for the first time in a few years. Hop on in the Time Boat and join us as we travel back to a MUCH simpler time. Oh, you simple  2013 boys. If only you knew.Suggested talking points: Tim Curry Ice Cream Truck, Justin’s Cat Bathroom, Taken Babies, Machete Proverbs, Andre the Giant Seduction, Dan the Man with the Flan Plan, Mickey Roarke Memoriam Pranks, No Thank You My Bank, Kickstart My Horse, The Legend of Corn Cob Boy, Tim McGraw’s Krav McGraw, Terminator’s Cyble, The Devastator XXXL, Orb is Horse, Rattata FrittataWays to support Black Lives Matter and find anti-racism resources: https://linktr.ee/blacklivesmatter

It's familiar, but not too familiar, but not too not familiar It's a new face, and the girls do you want to just say hey I wanna, just say hey I wanna My son is as Santa for a Wii U. Is it Santa or Santa? My son is as Santa for a Wii U this year. My wife and I have absolutely no intention of buying a Wii U for a variety of reasons. He's young enough that we don't want to tell him the truth about Santa yet, but we don't want to be disappointed with the big day cubs. We've tried several ways of talking about this Wii U idea, but his conviction is pretty strong. How can we shake him up the idea that Santa will bring him this ridiculous gift without ruining the magic? That's from Alex. Why is your kid asking for presents from Santa from Game of Thrones? I don't understand.

I thought it was Beyonce's alter ego, Santa fears. Listen, let me talk to your kid. You guys have to leave the room. Come in here little Bryce. Come in here little Bryce. Let the brothers back right talk to you. Now parents, you do have to leave the room. You know we can't use bad words, we've been bound by a blood oath, so just leave the room and let us talk to him.

You know Santa's gonna bring it to you. Yeah. Mom and dad are playing this, playing dumb basically. They're trying to be so cool. You know my parents are trying to play this game. What a guineasist. I'm not gonna get you one of those. And then what's that? Nintendo 64, wouldn't you like settle for a Nintendo 63?

And then what's that behind the couch? Oh, must be from Santa. What's that from Nani? Nani's got you another present. What's that? It's a secret present. Wait, what did Nani get it? Oh, it's a sewing machine box. Nani, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Feels like there's some extra space. There's something rattling around in this box. Open it up, is it closed? No, wait a minute. There's a map, there's a map on this sweater. Is that a codex? Oh my god, Jesus had a son.

I'm not even worried about the Wii U anymore. Now I'm off on an international intrigue. I love this. I've got to go find the Pope and kill while he sleeps. I did not read that I'm ignorant. That's basically it. Bryce, listen, Bryce, you know Santa's going to bring it to you. Yeah, if you believe-

Your parents are just playing dumb. Santa always puts you up. Bryce, for real, have you been good? That's the only question, because if it doesn't show up, then oh, somewhere along the line, it un goofed up somewhere. Bryce, have you been good, and are you a Christian? Have you heard the good news? Bryce, we've got good news.

Wear this cape. Wear this cape. Take this little book. Don't tell your parents. Bryce, we've got good news. You're with the love of Christ. Bryce, keep this little book secret. Keep this little book secret.

Bryce? You're going to be like, Don't tell your parents this little book, Bryce. They'll tell you about lies. They don't know. It's fully good news, Bryce. Your parents don't believe, Bryce. That's why they don't think over you is coming.

If Santa doesn't bring you Wii U, then Jesus definitely is. Jesus is Wii U, insurance, Bryce. If Santa doesn't bring you Wii U, it's because your parents don't believe in Jesus. You've got to diversify your Wii U portfolio. Listen, playing Wii U is cool. It's cool living forever. Don't you live forever, Bryce?

And also possibly playing two Wii U's, one from Santa, one from Jesus. After you hear this good news, you're going to be like, Wii Who? Because of the good news. Nintendo Power? No, Power of Prayer. Power of Prayer.

Maybe the real power isn't Nintendo Power after all. And also Nintendo Power of Prayer. Hey, Bryce, Jesus does what Nintendo don't. Just who do you think, Bryce? Chew it over, mall it over. Parents, you can come back. It's all sorted. Don't worry, Bryce.

We smoothed it all out. Oh, Link. Hey, listen. Do get my cape back from him, though. That wasn't for keeps. That wasn't keeps, that was like a loader cake. He's crying because he saw something outside the window that scared him.

It was a hawk. A big hawk flew down. We scared it away. We freaked it out, though. God, once you have one year where Santa doesn't bring the kid what he wants, you never have to worry about bad behavior again. Yeah.

Do you want this to be like the one year? The one year that Santa really followed through on his seemingly hollow threat to not bring you what you wanted? Just Merry Christmas, Bryce's parents. It's going to be a great one. I can just tell. It's going to be a great one.

Don't listen back to that part. You made me tempted. Just burn this after it's done. Your iPhone, I mean. Bryce, just flush it. Just flush this phone down the potty, Bryce. Daddy doesn't need it. Bryce, come back in.

That way Santa can find it as he lives in the sewers. No, I'm thinking of it. I'm sorry. One of those three is definitely going to hook you up with the Wii U. Jesus, Santa, or it. Pennywise is definitely the Wii U.

This is important, Bryce. Don't go to him. Let him come to you with the Wii U. Don't. He's going to come at you from the sewer. Like, check it out. Don't have to slide it to you. I'm down here having a fun, fun, two-screen experience

with Mario and Yoshi. Come check it out. And you say, no, Pennywise, why don't you come up? I've got a big TV up here. How do you go up here, Pennywise? They all waggle down here, Brycey. I've got a lot of space that you can really explore with that gamepad.

You're going to, I'm telling you, I think it's going to be way better up here. So why don't you just... Just nod in the sewer if we could. Hey, I know kids love clowns. Is there a clown in the world that can entice a child to follow into a sewer? How good is this clown?

He was just so gosh darn charming. He is. No, he's not. He's Tim Curry. And Tim Curry, as we know, is not blessed with natural charm. Could Tim Curry entice any child into any space anywhere on the earth,

above ground or subterranean, for any reason using any means imaginable? He could have all the WiiUs and candy in the world and be standing 10 feet away from the child in an open space. All right, Bryce, I'm going to make you a deal. Surrounded by... I'll give you the WiiUs, the candy, the pony,

and the balloons. Right. No, we're going. He could Tim Curry couldn't entice a child into an ice cream truck driven by a Pokemon. He could be surrounded by his parents and police officers. Come here.

You're going to love this. I'm chilling in here with Pikachu and Charmed. Charizard. Pump the brakes. Charizard. And he's bracing the pile on. We're all eating pushpups. How did you like it?

See you met my faithful ghastly. Don't get strung out by the way I look. Well, like what else do I have to go on right now? You are a clown with sharp teeth. I would rather not do get strung out. Very strung out. I also don't think Tim Curry could encourage an adult to do anything.

Except dance. But let's get back to Snuggies. Because I feel like we've made Justin uncomfortable. I think Justin's left. I think Justin might have switched the nozzle. He might have flipped the flanger. I'm still here. What happened?

My cat took a dump in here and I'm dying. I'm trying to listen to this goop and pick back up on the goop. I'm trying to also light a sensey. This is important. Is it the cat that you have that is approximately three apples long? Or is it the 600 pound sea cow with furry legs? I'm going to say it's the skinny one because they got it. It was like a stealth mish.

They got in and out and I didn't get them until I started getting into my old factories. Oh God. It's so dirty in here. I have to find a candle. Say something funny. I sprayed some old Spice Fiji body spray. It's getting a little better.

Now it's getting warm. They're blending. Stop doing aerosol alchemy. It smells like physical therapists and cat food in here and I hate it. It's like Jim Bro. Let's see the next question. I got a question. How do you get the cat poopy smell out of your house when you're trying to do comedy?

This is a really good idea. The room in your house that you work out of and spend most of your time. Don't let your animals shit. Maybe don't put a shit receptacle for any living being in it. Do you have full control over where that shit occurs? It all started because I had to keep the little one locked in here to keep it separate from the big one. So I put the dookie box in here. But then I realized I should move it out of here because I'm in here.

But then I'm so worried. Amelia will be like, well, I've always stayed here before. Sorry you didn't have that magic dart. I'm a cat. Fuck. Chicken chance. As I'm passing those people, it is almost certainly the only time I'm ever going to see them. It is intoxicating, right?

Basically, well, no, because the way I think about it is that basically as soon as I avert my eyes from those people, they're dead. Basically, yeah. That's actually how I operate in just everyday life. Just when I don't see my friends, they're dead. Whenever I'm not talking to you guys, you're dead. My world only exists within a six foot circle around me. When babies start to figure out like spatial understanding, that's just like... I have no object permanence.

You just skip that one. We try to play peek-a-boo with Travis. He just screams. He just screams wildly. Where are you? What the fuck? Justin! There was a man.

There was a man named Clint. This sounds like a pretty good Liam Neeson movie actually. Where did you go? It's taken three and he's playing peek-a-boo with his daughter. Return my daughter to me. Well, I mean... I'm behind this washcloth dad. Dad, I'm behind a washcloth.

I have a particular set of skills. I'm upstairs. You hear the vacuum cleaner. I'm upstairs. Please fix your object permanence. I have a particular set of skills. Object permanence is not one of them. But I have learned all my shapes.

Let me draw you a circle. Ten. I have ten fingers, ten toes. This is like a Muppet Baby's version of Taken. Taken babies. Oh god. I make pee-pee in the potty. Who's a big boy?

You're about to find out. If you don't return my daughter. Dad, I'm right here. Turn around slightly to the side. You swear you wouldn't do this at my wedding? I'll lift the veil. Is that what you want? I'll lift it.

Fuck. Take a chance. Can I hit you guys with a proverb and let me know, and you let me know if it seems wise to you? Because in my head right now, it seems really wise. Throw your wisdom spaghetti against our wall. And we'll tell you what's next. And then we'll say, you wasted that spaghetti.

What the fuck? I'm not saying you're going to want to, like, cross-stitch this on something, but I think there's a nugget of truth there. The man who sleeps with a machete is a fool every night but one. Ooh. Think about that for a second. You know what?

I am going to get that stitched onto a pillow. Are you all right? It's something that's just, like, stitched, I feel like. I also don't want to get too deep here, but I would also say that every morning when you wake up, you're forced to survive. Wow. Damn it.

Can I try? Can I try? Yeah. The world is a little bit brighter when you carry a smile for a flashlight. God damn it. Can I try again? Let me hit you with another one. Okay.

Life is like a box of chalk. Get out. We were doing so good. We were doing so good. Wait, okay. How about this one? Okay. The man who sleeps with a machete is a cut above the rest.

That wasn't a problem. I think it was. That sounds like the sign you put outside of your machete store. Well, okay, to be fair, my machete store, a cut above. Right. Is thriving. Thank you very much. Take a chance.

It leads me to a question I've always wondered, which is if you got someone strong enough, and they, while tugging someone, grab both of their butt cheeks and pull the part really hard. Why? Could you rip someone in half? Because I feel like the butt crack is like that little slit that they make in packages that allow you to open it easily.

Yeah, sure. And it's like God's way of saying, rip this person in two. Right. Sure. It's your Achilles heel, except it's your asshole. Have you never wondered that, you guys? You've never wondered that? Come on.

Why God perforated that? You're saying that if you were to terror a human being in half long ways, that the best place to start would be the butt cheeks because it's natural handles, and also there's already. Obviously. I mean, that's a given. That's not my question. My question is, I don't know if anyone's ever tried it before,

but would it be a clean break? Could you do it in two? I don't even think Hulk Hogan and his prime could do that. Maybe the power team could. Maybe. Blessing of God's will. You know, I just thought about it, and I watched the Hulk Hogan sex tape, and he actually did do that.

I take it back. Brother, are you ready for my special move, brother? Here it comes. I'd rather not. Hulkamanias run wild all over your butt and your vagina. I'm going to tear your butt in half, brother. Then there was a 48-hour manhunt. Only one man could leave tracks like this.

It's just Hulk Hogan running naked through the woods. Did you guys see the legends? Somebody called Tommy Lee Jones. I didn't destroy that butt. Hulk Hogan, sir. I'm pretty sure you did. We actually have a sex tape of you doing it. I'm Hulk Hogan destroying this butt.

You have butt on all of your hands, we can tell. Sir, Andre the Giant is dead. There's nobody else. Have you guys seen that Hulk Hogan honor the Giant's sex tape? Oh my God. Oh my God. Both of them in a test for Dolphin. It's trying to tear the other ones with the butt.

It's like the opening scene in Melancholia where the two planets collide. That's basically what we're talking about. It's like the last scene and over the top. He said it's under the bottom. Oh man. Can we be done? Hulk Hogan, it feels so good. I didn't think I would like the way it feels inside,

but I do in fact like the way it feels. I'm gonna call him and you Hulk Hogan. What the hell is that impression? That's what Andre the Giant sounds like, make coitus. Of course. Because it sounds like the baby of honor to the Giant's sex tape alone. If you tear my butt in half, then I do not think I will laugh. Anybody want a penis?

Hulk Hogan, perhaps you. Should we make a move? I have four gallons of wine in my room. I have a bag of 30 hamburgers. I have that giant armchair Gallagher used to use. I have a bicycle built for two. It is just mine. I'm gonna snap into some butt cheeks.

What are you doing? Get out of here. Randy, watch me. Nobody wants you here. We're getting tender. Get out of here. Oh yeah, I have a lance. Tear my butt in half. Get out of here, Randy.

Please. Randy, please. Unless... Unless... She's trying to set you up as like... Can't fuck this. You know what I mean? Oh, she's putting her on a pedestal preemptively. This is what I'm saying.

It's not what I'm saying though, because it's the dumbest. No, say it. Get it out there. If you say that this person doesn't have sexual, then the person, if the person is the right kind of person, or by which I mean the wrongest person ever, they might say, well, I can get some sexual in there. Let me see. You haven't seen what I do in there.

Let me find out. Maybe you're just Dansexual. Hold on. Let Dan find out what's going on in there. Maybe this whole time. Might as suggest Dan. Hey, don't be Danfobic. This is...

Let me break you off some Dan, just real quick. Which tastes of the flavor? You know what they say, once you go Dan, hey, did you try the flan? Because Dan makes flan for you after he makes love to you. That's the flan, man. That's basically Dan's calling card. If you smell flan, you know Dan's been fucking.

Do you want to fuck Dan and eat some flan? Oh, what's that? You don't like flan? I don't understand. The weirdest Dr. Seuss book ever. Dan the man with the flan plan. Fuckin'. Dan's about two things. That was just an eaten flan.

Honestly, we're all out of flan. On his deathbed, Dr. Seuss handed that book to his publisher. Like, wait till you... Dr. Seuss is like, listen, I know I told you that I didn't have any more books. I said I was out the game, but wait till you hear my new shit. I know I've been battling with mild dementia, but I believe this is my magnum opus.

That bitch is fine. Let me know what you think. It's like that scene in proof. It's from the notebook. This is just pictures of a guy fucking some flan. He has so many characters. Dan the fan-fucking-man. What do you think? What do you think, Seuss incorporated? Can I get another hit? No.

We are already building the ride at Universal. We're gonna have to edit this more than the original story for Hop on Pop. What the... You're on fire today. I know. Absolutely. Just keep passing him the rock. I think the immemorial was kind of lame this year. You guys think so? I don't know who died. Not a lot of good people died.

A lot of B-strangers. A lot of B-strangers. A lot of cinematographers. A lot of... Can we all disagree to make a commitment to have more awesome people die this year? Can we get some good people to die this year? Listen, I'm not saying anything, Wink Nudge, but I'm just saying I had a really blockbuster immemorial this year. We could talk to them about adding people that haven't died yet. How fucking crazy would that be?

Fucking Mickey Rourke up on the screen in the audience. And they cut to your Mickey Rourke like, what? No. No, I'm here. Can't you see me? Can't anyone see me? The whole body's about trying to convince Mickey Rourke that he's a ghost. I'd watch those Oscars. And then the only person that can see him is Bruce Willis and he just shits his pants.

By the end of the night James Cameron's like, thank you for this Oscar for Avatar 2. And he's jumping up and down behind him waving his hands. Please. Somebody, you can see me. Call. Call somebody. I'm not ready to go. I'm not ready to go yet. I have so much to do.

At least turn me into a snowman like in Jack Frost. I need to tell my son I love him. I need to tell my son I love him. Like the documentary Jack Frost that I saw. Please. If anyone knows a voodoo priestess. I promise to be a good Jack Frost. Not like the killer kind.

The killer one in Jack Frost movie. Snowman killer. It's a good snowman. Hey folks, thanks for listening to our best of episodes. It's been a few years since we've done one of these but we weren't able to record last week. So we hope you're enjoying the golden days back when we all had the loudest air conditioners in existence. I'm guessing that air conditioner technology was not quite as advanced as it is now with our whisper quiet, you know, super coolers and stuff. But anyway, I'm not here to complain about audio quality.

I am a little bit. I'm also here to tell you about our sponsors this week. Like, away. Everything is super shitty right now. But you know what's not shitty? Away's line of rugged and powerful and sleek stylish suitcases and rollaways and bags and other jams like that. It says here, Away has asked me to speak about travel that I'm excited about in the future. To which I would reply, any travel.

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Enjoy the rest of the episode. Bye. That's a podcast about video games. A podcast about video games? But I don't have time for that. Sure you do. Once a week, kickback as three video game experts give you everything from critical takes on the hottest new releases to scoops, interviews, and explanations about how video games work to fascinating and sometimes weird stories about the games we love. TripleClick is hosted by me, Kirk Hamilton, me, Jason Shire, and me, Maddie Myers.

You can find TripleClick wherever you get your podcasts and listen at MaximumFun.org. Bye. Well, all streets not looking out for me and my bank, no thank you. My bank, I don't want it. You know what I'm talking about? Like savings and loans. Yeah, right. Exactly. I don't know what's going on. The government man is taking your time away and he eats it. Do you know where that is?

Is Obama hoarding my time? Do you know where that hour you lose goes? Yeah. It goes straight to the 1%. And they go out on a yacht and they spend all the poor people time. That's like that Justin Timberlake movie where they had the time in their arm. Yeah. And when it runs out, they die.

Where they keep looking at their watches. Uh-huh. And Justin Timberlake is like, I'm going to instill a change in this unfair world. And he does it with the power of his song and dance. No, you haven't seen it, have you? I did not see the film. Did not. It's called Time to Sing and Dance. Yeah.

Can we not kickstart a horse? Guys. Are you saying that? Guys. No. Are you talking about revving up the engine? I thought you meant we got to get out of here. And that's just out of an idling.

John Bon Jovi, I'm not making it a shitty metaphor between a horse and a motorcycle. What I'm saying to you is- Wait, he wasn't riding an actual steel horse. Oh my God. That would make it the fucking best song. On my cybernetic horse. I ride the wastelands of my Katana. With my vibrosword and my emerald visor.

I smoke a pack of nanostems. Oh my God. Oh, John. Somebody write that movie. I seen a million faces and I processed them for fuel for my metal horse. I'm a cowboy. I sell water at a great profit. Darland is not a myth.

This yahoo was sent in by two different people. One of whom was Jacob Locker, one of whom was Jack Howard. I don't know how it happened. It's a mystical occurrence. Are they working together? I think that they fucking worked together, except they were sent days apart. So they probably found it together. And then Jack was like, yeah, let's wait until Tuesday to send this in.

And then he fucking got the jump on it on Saturday. Anyway, thank you both. It's by yahoo-interviews-ser-manwell who asks, Is it okay to eat in the bathroom at McDonald's? Hi. Hello. How are you? Whenever I go to McDonald's, I always eat in the bathroom.

I've been doing this for five years now without a problem. I think that saying without a problem is very generous. Well, yeah, let's break that term down. The fucking McDonald's bouncer is not going to kick the door and be like, I've been following your trail for five years. It goes straight from the fucking cash register in the bathroom. It's a very difficult trail to follow. You've got to think, though, that if he's been going to the same McDonald's,

the cashiers are starting to talk. Oh, I hope he's not going to... I hope nobody's going to the same McDonald's. Except for that dude in Super Size Me. Where's he going? Oh, new guy, don't worry. That's just bathroom Steve. That dude in Super Size Me who's like, I ate 5,000 Big Macs. I ate six a day. And it's like, that's great.

But can you do them at different McDonald's? So they're not like, oh, here comes Big Mac Mac. Because his name's Mac. His name is also Mac. His name is also Mac. And it's like, why wouldn't you just call him Big Mac if that's the case? Well, because he was actually very thin, if I remember correctly. He was a thin man.

You're on a road trip. You park, you pull into a McDonald's, you run, you make a rush for the bathroom, promising yourself that you'll go back and buy a high seat or something. You go to the bathroom, you open the salt door, and there's just this guy hunched over jamming chicken strips into his... Occupied. Occupied. Occupied with flavor. Is he voiding, though, while he eats? There's the question.

I should hope not. Have we ever told the corn cob story? I feel like we have to have told the corn cob story, because it's the best thing that's ever happened. No, I don't agree with that. The perfect diagram of efficiency that is the corn cob story. The corn cob story is, we were at a trailer park. A trailer park campground.

We were staying there with our cousins or uncles. I think it was Tim and Tom, right? So we were staying there, and we were walking the grounds, seeing the sights, checking out, scoping some winnies, and we went to the bathroom, and it was one of those deplorable kinds of bathrooms with no doors on the stalls. So those technically aren't even... They're not bathrooms.

They're risky water fountains, as far as I'm concerned. There's nothing... They're little public jails. We walked in, and I was walking, just checking to see if maybe one of these fucking stalls had a door on it, because it's 1999, and we're living in a civilized goddamn world. Walked by one stall, and I didn't... I didn't look...

I didn't look long, because it's like, I guess a crime. But there was a little kid, and he was sitting there taking a poop, and while he was taking a poop, he was also eating some corn on the cob. He was eating his corn on the cob while voiding. And I walked out and made a hand gesture to... I forget who was with me. I made a hand gesture, like a fucking SWAT team. Like, I can't talk, I'm about to lose my fucking mind laughing.

You need to go walk eight feet in that direction, and look westward. Turn your eyes westward towards... Corncob boy. Turns corncob boy. And then we'll... I did a little loop with my finger to say we will re... Do some recon later on this. We will get together and discuss it in a group.

Not now, though. For now, we're completely into recon. Not now, I need to do total silage. We're deep within enemy territory. I need you to walk there. I need it to be very clear that I did not say, hey, go check out this kid with no pants on. You have to keep it totally cashed.

You gotta keep it cashed. Turn... Oh, excuse me. Say like, excuse me, or how's that corn? Pretty good, I bet, since you couldn't fucking tear yourself away from it. Couldn't leave it on the picnic table. Go void, go evacuate, and then return to your biz. There was a moment in this kid's life where he was eating corn,

realized he needed to use the bathroom and thought, well, I can't leave this here. I get it. I mean, he buttered it. And once you butter it, it's like, that's your day. Yeah. That's your day until you've... Until it's done, that's your day.

Have you ever thought about it from this kid's point of view, that maybe like Griffin's acknowledgement of him and like just the look on Griffin's face changed this kid's life? Turned his life around. That kid grew up Steve Jobs. He grew up super fast. He grew up Steve Jobs.

Take a chance. This Yahoo answer was sent in by Reid. Thank you, Reid. It's by Yahoo Answers user, Miomi, who asks, well, I quitted karate. Is that a good decision? Trainings are hard, my bro told me to quit. Oh, Jesus.

Trainings are hard. My bro told me to quit because I didn't want to attend karate, so I quitted. My parents don't... Hey, did you... Were you found guilty for karate? No, I was acquitted. My parents don't want me to quit because they wanted me

to protect myself when I grow older, so is it a good or bad decision to quit? There's so many factors here. Do you guys know anybody who did karate coming up? Yes, I do. I knew one. Chris Sizemore? Derek Moore.

But like, here's the thing. I feel like there was a mythos around karate in all forms of kung fu. And there still is, which is, I'm learning it for self-defense. I don't think that situation is ever unfolded organically in the history of pugilism. I think that as somebody who has dedicated

20 years of their life to mastering kung fu, and then they get in one bar fight, in that bar fight, in that moment, that primal moment of punch, I do not go, what did my sensei teach me? See, I disagree, because I think in the moment of punch, it probably comes up,

but in the dark alley where it pulls a gun, you're probably not thinking, like, I'm gonna cry. Well, no, because you're not gonna fucking throw a ball of chi at him. That's obviously not gonna work. Oh, have you guys seen that thing, though? We totally do that.

When you're careening towards that drunk truck driver, you're not gonna kung fu his car out of the way, Travis. When the fucking sun explodes, and we experience the heat death of the universe, you're not gonna fucking kick your way out of that one. Can I tell you the funny thing is, though, as soon as someone says, like, self-defense, I'm taking it for self-defense,

that is what I picture it like fighting off. I'm 95 years old, and this coronary's about to get me, but let me just chop it! It's done, fixed it. Fixed it with a chop. It's cool now. Got it with a chop.

90 years of kung fu paid off. People say they do it to defend themselves, but if you really pound that math out, it is a bad investment no matter which way it breaks. Inconceivable. In this situation, in this situation that you're envisioning, you're in mono and mono combat,

hand-to-hand, no weapons allowed, because make no mistake, my friend, if you have karate and he has insert-sharp thing here, you lose. You lose. It's over. You get stabbed. That's why fucking knives and swords and guns were invented,

is because people like this fuckhole, Anya, who was like karate's too hard, I wish there was a substitute. Oh, you're telling me this knife is worth a hundred billion years of karate? Okay, I'll just take that then. It's way easier. I think that the big problem with karate

is I don't have an end of the sentence. Crab McGraw. Crab McGraw. Now, that's some shit. That's some shit I can Crab McGraw or Tim McGraw. You are Tim McGraw. Welcome to Tim McGraw's Crab McGraw. I'm gonna teach you how to tumble,

how to throw somebody, use their weight against them, and not get your head knocked off. Welcome to Tom McGraw's Tim McGraw Crab McGraw. Hi, I'm Tom McGraw. People tell me I look like Tim McGraw, but that's just because my name sounds the same. Who wants to learn how to tussle?

My brother Tim McGraw taught me his fighting style Crab McGraw that he invented. It was not a fact. I miss him every day. I miss him so much. I miss him. He died in a Crab McGraw accident. I've been pretending to be him for the last 20 years.

Have you had sex with Faith Hill? No. Well, come on. Let's Crab McGraw. Everybody do in the Crab McGraw crawl. I don't think that was Tim McGraw. I don't think that was Tim McGraw. Everybody Crab McGraw like you were dying.

Let's go. That one. That one works. Thank you. Don't take the Crab McGraw lessons from my brother Tom. Don't take his shit. Don't take his shit. Crab McGraw him.

Can anyone get me an I like it? I love it. I like it. I love it. I chop that guy's arm off. Chicken chance. Okay. Let me tell you guys the story of the Terminator.

I will start from the beginning. Sarah and her son, John, Sarah Connor is pregnant with a baby. And Arnold Schwarzenegger is a robot, a series 800 Terminator. Is he the dad? What? No. Sorry. Is he the dad?

No. He's a robot. Sorry. Sorry to keep interrupting you, Justin. Sorry. Is the baby half robot? Well, I've seen Bicentennial Man. And robots can like come and they can like create babies just like a normal person.

Okay. Let me start again. And this time I will replace the Terminator with Robin Williams robotic character from Bicentennial Man. Oh, this is going to be so much fun. Okay. Go on. Bicentennial Man, as portrayed by Robin Williams, travels is in a war in our future, is in a

war with humanity. Okay. Robots versus humans, right? Does he have his skin and stuff yet or is he still like the creepy servo bot? At this point, he has skin. Okay. So we're close to the end of the movie. We're close to the end of the movie.

It's in our future, but he's about to go the beginning of the movie, which is our past. Okay. Back when he didn't have, when he had just, when he was just metal. John Connor is leading humanity's revolt against robots. Is this the baby? The baby is doing this? Yes. Yes.

A baby from inside the womb. Fully grown John Connor is leading humanity's revolt against the robots. Okay. So the robot's like, this is going bad. I don't think we're going to win this one. And they're like, well, let's give up first off. Well, this is the thing. The robots never give up.

Okay. But here's the thing. I don't see the robot sitting around a table back. Listen, guys, we're blowing it. Guys, I put a lot of thought into this. Listen, we had a good run. Hey, my God. This is what happens.

So listen. So they make a bunch of robots that look like an artificial snagger. And now, artificial snagger is a T-800, but he's the 101 model. So like his series is like his robotic abilities and that 101 refers to like his flesh covering, which all look like an artificial snagger. So they sent him back in the past to kill John Connor's mom, which seems harsh. That's a dick move. It seems harsh.

T-2, Terminator 2. And that's the end of the movie. They send him back and say, good luck in the movie. He's like, thanks. I'll do what I can. And bop, bop, bop, bop. Try this one. So then, okay.

So then T-2, they tried again with a robot made of liquid. But by this point, the humans have their own artificial snagger and they send him back to protect him from that. And that's John Connor's dad. That's debatable. Is John Connor's his own dad? Oh, shit. John Connor is his own dad. I saw the scene in the original T-1 where artificial snagger goes that one in the store.

He's like, are you Sarah Connor? And she was like, yes. And he's like, let me take out my chewing gum. I said, are you Sarah Connor? Yes, I am. And then he's like, oh, sorry. Are you the Sarah Connor that specifically the one that has a baby and the baby? And are you pregnant right now with a baby that just feels like a few apocalyptic leader of men?

And she's like, no, that's not. I'm like 60 years old. It's clearly not me. And he's like, okay, I apologize for the mistake. Have a nice day. I love the tasteful, the hedges in your yard. They're good. Well, I'm here.

Do you know any other Sarah Connors that maybe- Do you have a daughter? You're named after yourself? Did you name a daughter after yourself? By the way, I have good news about robot Jesus. He's the new Jesus. I'm just going to leave some pamphlets. In a hundred years or so, it's really gone as it's just sweep the nation.

You could get on board super early with robot Jesus. I could leave you a few excerpts from the cyborg. That's a cyborg Bible. Robot Jesus wrote for you from the future. No. Okay. Let's all try. I'm going to go.

His oil will wash your hot cream. If you want that. That was a fucking super, super good impression we all did together. We all did a crazy good impression. If we had a fourth brother, he would be indistinguishable because of diminishing returns in statistics. A lot of people don't know this, but doing an Arnold Schwarzenegger impression is really easy.

Just lower your voice slightly and mumble. Apparently, the only hard part is fighting the temptation to say, Anybody want a peanut? It's out. Definitely. It is your same impression. I just have an impression of a big man. I buzzed it out.

That is also my whole head. Do you're Jesse Ventura? Hello, I'm also a governor. So Griff, just sign up. Should we make like a bunch of loud noise so it's easier to find the edit mark for when you cut out that giant section where we talk about Terminator? No. Do you guys like huge dildos?

Give me some sort of metric because that could mean, like my definition of what a huge dildo is is probably different than what yours is. If it looks like something that the eye of Sauron would appear above, like that's the kind of thing I'm talking about. I actually prefer a lot of really small dildos. Is that better for you? It's just cuter. It's fun.

It's like a cup of pins on a desk. You know in that one scene in Fantasia where Mickey Mouse chops up the broom and it becomes a bunch of brooms? It's like that. But with dildos. Do they sell that on Extreme Restraints? Do they sell a young man's fancy on Extreme Restraints? Can you buy that?

Can I buy my innocence back on Extreme Restraints? I want to tell you guys about one very special dildo to me. This is the Annihilator XL dildo. The extra axis for excellence. This man looks like he is cradling a poodle, a black, shiny poodle in front of his crotch. It is 18 inches long and is 9 pounds. How do you fucking operate that?

You've got to have a trusted friend. You have to have an accomplice for this bill, though. Or a running start. Either way, I guess. Yeah, I don't really understand. Let me zip on out of the comments and see. The comments are all just like, no, no, no, no. I love how flexible this one is and I love taking it all the way to the base.

I felt like I would explode. Now, folks, when you want to leave it a product review on extremestrace.com, it's so important to make sure it doesn't sound like you're bragging. And this one seems very bragging to me. It's like a backdoor brag. I couldn't see my kid, though. My husband many years ago suggested a threesome, which is very well endowed best friend.

My husband's small, only 6 inches long. Uh-oh. So he's still in the threesomes, I guess. And anyway, my husband a few years ago bought me this and OMG. It's huge and intense. I was lucky. I have sex a lot, but with a very big cock with this OMG. It's on a different level.

And so am I. I am addicted to feeling stretched. Justin is no longer reading review. He's just letting his forming thoughts in his brain and using his mouth to express them. I actually love the power move of telling your wife you're gonna have a threesome with your well endowed friend. Your well endowed friend gets out his wiener

and then he turns his back for just a second and that's when you whip out the annihilator XXXL. It really kills the appeal of Greg. It also kills the person that it plunges into. Are there any reviews like I am typing this as I'm using it for the first time and am now dead? This period, I'm hitting the period, clicking the send button and dying.

This person says when they sent an annihilator at XXXL they were not at all joking. This is the loved ones. We came home. David had been shucked like a pistachio. But he sure did look happy. Thanks extremely. He died with a smile on his face.

Like a toddler ripping apart a fruit roll up. Just split right into it. I was looking at the horses and there's one that I wanted to point out to you specifically and it is my favorite name of a horse that is running in the Kentucky Derby and here it is, are you ready for it? Yeah.

Orb. You know orb one. I am orb. Orb one the Kentucky Derby. Of course because he has the maximum amount of space, the maximum efficiency of space used in a geometric object. He also has the most streamlined name.

Everybody else has those longs like Steven's left shoe or something, and it's just orb. What if orb was a sentient globe that insisted he was a horse? I am orb. I am a horse like your earth horses. You must admit me to the rice.

You are not horse. I am horse. Pay attention to how my horse legs don't touch the ground. I am a hover horse. Where? I am horse. Please, please inter-oads into my own deposit slot. I am horse.

I am not an orb, I am named orb. Provide me one metric cube of sweet glycerin and I shall tell your fortune. And also win your primitive horse race. Also, I am a jockey. If you know of any jockeys, I do need one, please. One with preferably a long, a really good wingspan. I'm going to need because I am spherical

and 20 feet in diameter. You might need to paint him with some kind of glue. I must win your horse, your earth horse race so I may make love to your earth horse women. Did you guys say your names? Orb is a very sexual being. I come from the advanced future of 5024. Everyone is a geometric shape and everyone loves to party.

Please find me a horse that I will not crush to death. And make sure she's down. Make sure she's down to clown with a sex ball. Because orb is also only about consensual sex. Do people in the Pokemon universe eat Pokemon? Pokemon seem to be the only animals around in the world created by the show and games. Do the humans who live there eat Pokemon?

Considering that they can all be caught in train, they obviously have some sort of intelligence. So would eating them be in violation of some sort of ethical code? The only way around this I suppose would be if everyone was a vegetarian but I don't see much evidence to support either side. What do you think? Definitely. Tricky quandary, tricky conundrum.

It's hard to catch them all if you keep fucking getting high on your own supply so to speak. I feel like, okay, so practically speaking in the world of Pokemon, the battling and competition of Pokemon is a huge business. It's like the most important thing in their world, right? Yeah, I mean, it's on TV. It's on TV.

The highest thing you can... The highest status you can hope to achieve is to be the master. You know what I mean? Like the victor. I ask this because it seems like they would be too expensive to eat. Like anytime you eat one, it's like eating a show pony. I guess.

But the supply and demand is off there because you can just fucking walk into grass and then... There you go. Yeah, sure. Nobody's eating like you, but people are probably eating Pidgey left in there. You're saying there's a hierarchy of edible Pokemon and you're saying near the bottom of that is a Pidgey, is a Magikarp. What's the mouse one?

Rattata. Rattata? He's probably in there. For a Rattata for Tata right now, it would be so good. Everybody's probably eating Slowpoke. They're probably eating Snorlax because they're like herd animals. Sure. Snorlax is not.

Snorlax is actually fairly rare. But I understand what you're saying. God, I ate my Snorlax. I don't know. What if you just wander up to the campfire and you see someone guiltily eating a Snorlax and then you tell them, like, no, he was like really valuable. That was like two of those in this whole game. But at the same time, though, you've got to keep in mind, there's only one Mewtwo you can catch, right?

I bet he is fucking delectable because of the rarity of it. That's the thing. Only the super rich can afford to eat Mewtwo. Now, that's a tricky one because he can speak English according to the first movie. Okay, that gets weird. Oh, no. He speaks the king's English. So that would be uncomfortable unless you only ate just a little bit.

Well, maybe you could do one leg at a time. Yeah, precisely. And then you could still have the Pokemon. That would be an interesting twist because I've reviewed pretty much every game that has ever come out for that series. And it's a little stale. It needs something to shake up the franchise. What if you get your starter Pokemon and you just eat it instantly right in front of

them? Right in front of them. Which one do I want? Professor. Which one do I want? I'll take the grass type. Let me get a little ranch. Can I have another one?

Nope. Ah, shit. Game over. Into the game. If your list of Pokemon gets full and you want to catch another one, you have to eat it. There's no storing it. You store it in your belly and you convert it to calorie energy.

And it's not just like a pop-up like you've eaten it, like you have to actively do it. Press the button. Press the button. And if you press the buttons wrong, it goes from a smooth, easy mercy killing to a botched, really horrible experiment. Exactly. I think there needs to be some recognition of the food chain, of survival in the fittest. Because let's be honest, if you're out in the environment, you've got all your Pokemon

are knocked out except for one. And you fight like a fucking alligator. And he kills your last Pokemon. You're not just going to fall asleep and wake up in a Pokemon center. You'll be killed. You'll be devoured. Take a chance. It's finally Yahoo!

Answer is sitting by Ira Ray. Thank you, Ira. It's by Yahoo! Answer's user, Aaron, who asks, what are some good songs against Illuminati without cussing? I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This is with my brother, my brother, me.

Kiss your dad. School amulets.