My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 538: Shoegaze Mopeytones

Episode Date: December 8, 2020

This week’s episode is chock-full of breaking news alerts, most of which send us spiraling hornily into homemade Home Improvement erotic fiction. I swear to God I’ve written this exact description for an episode before. What is wrong with us?Suggested talking points: Tim on Tim, Fog Machine Hacks, Time on the Clock, Fiction Family, KFC Slater, Psychic Doughnuts  Ways to support Black Lives Matter and find anti-racism resources: https://linktr.ee/blacklivesmatter

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, and welcome to My Brother, My Brother, and me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis, the middlest brother of McElroy. And I'm Griffin McElroy. Thanks for listening, folks. What a joy it is. Hey, shut up. I want to talk about my thing.

So fast. So furious. It's really quick. It's really quick. Guys, it's going to blow your mind, and you're talking about other bullshit instead of the very important thing. It's welcoming our guests to our house. I don't care about them. Me and Justin have some fucking party snacks. We've got some rich crackers, different savory delights on them, and you just ran in and flying bicycle kicks. Bucket of Kool-Aid on them. That's because you guys are living in the past, and once I tell you what I'm going to tell you about, you won't remember what it's like

before. And it is this, my friends, just announced, big announcement on the upcoming. I already hear you laughing. I'm wondering if this is even true. I'm wondering if you're even excited about what you're saying. On the in the upcoming premiere of Last Man Standing, the Tim Allen sitcom, there will be a special guest in which Tim the toolman, Taylor will meet Tim Allen's character in Last Man's Stand. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. How does the mind boggles? How does he, first of all, how are they going to film that? Fucking impossible. You can't. There's no way. Tell me everything.

So Tim, the toolman, Taylor will meet Last Man Standing's Mike Baxter in the Fox comedy, Last Man Standing. I know absolutely nothing about it. This is just, this is recent news or the episode hasn't aired yet. So we can only speculate at the implications. Yeah. And let me also just say, I've watched a lot of TV before we made, of course, hit award-winning television show called My Brother, My Brother Me. I didn't know you could just fucking do that. Yeah. I didn't know you could be like, enjoyed this new episode of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, where Chandler Bing shows up and hangs out with Matthew Perry. That would have saved the show. It might have saved it.

Right now, Matthew Perry is listening to this episode and going, God damn it. Why didn't we do that? That would have been real cool. I think I speak for all of America when I say, Can they touch? There's a screenshot, Griffin, accompanying the thing I saw where they're shaking hands. No. Well, that's the problem, is that if they do touch, I feel like they should, I mean, any number of sort of cataclysmic thing. Oh, wait, sorry. Okay, now we're fucking cooking. I thought that's what you were getting at, if they could touch. I just want a sweet, tender, romantic love scene between Tim Allen and Tim Allen. Yeah, I want that. But why stop there? Because Tim Allen's Circus Santa Claus could be up in there,

too. Oh, yeah. It's a three-way menace, Tim. That's pure Michigan, baby. And maybe get buzzed up. Can you stop to listen to me saying that's pure Michigan, baby? And I'm going to need you to just take a second, okay? So let me do it again. That's pure Michigan, baby. If we can just get Buzz sort of doing commentary, like, yes, you're stroking his butt. You're about to, you're putting your wiener near his butt and beyond. You guys are going to Sinfinity and beyond. That's better. Pretty good. Cool, man. Cool. I'll watch that. No, sorry, grab a tool, man. Tool, man. Guess what? I'll fucking watch that. I don't like it. I won't like it.

I won't enjoy supporting Mr. Allen's art, but damn it. He's got me in his trap again. You know what? That's the first thing I thought of when I saw it, Griffin. Yeah. Can I say something real quick before we move off to the sex thing? I just want to say that it's not fair that home, like in home improvement, doesn't rhyme with come, even though they're spelled the same way. Yeah. Because I think there'll be a really good thing there. Yeah, there's something there. A really good thing. Maybe the thing would just become improvement. Yeah, but that doesn't. You know what I mean? I could have said that without any sort of setup

and it wouldn't have really landed. Home improvement doesn't. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So here's the thing, Griffin, when I saw that announcement, you mentioned not. I don't think so, Tim. Oh, shit. When I saw that we need more power, it just brings up the biggest fucking Sibian you've ever seen in your entire life. All right. So Travis, you've been trying to save for the past four years. And Wilson peeks over and goes, I'm going to finish. I'm a collapsing neighbor. When you see an announcement like this, Griffin, you mentioned not liking Mr. Allen's art.

And all I can think is it must be that a lot of people don't because this isn't the move you make when your show is doing super good and successful, right? Yeah. I am actually pretty sure, Travis, that Last Man Standing has been canceled, which it means that they're just kind of going for it. Yeah. This is the end. This is season nine. How do we let this kind of thing happen? You know what I mean? How do we let this sort of thing happen? Well, we point it all over our. Because the show was canceled in 2017. I thought I was having a weird bare and sane bears thing where I was like, wait.

We pointed our ire with far too focused a lens right toward young Sheldon. And he deserved it. But also at the same time, Tim was over there doing some sneaky in the fucking corner. Wasn't he bringing it back without us looking with stinker? Wait, is young Sheldon the actor who plays young Sheldon also like a right wing asshole? We're just watching young Sheldon waiting for him to make a mistake. Yeah. Because once we do. Is there an episode of young Sheldon where he finds Mazinga? Where like a bunch of each season he gets one and season one, it was Baz.

And I hear in season two, they're working towards Ing. Okay. So this has been a good intro. I did think you were going when you mentioned breaking news. I did think you were going to talk about the actual breaking news that just got announced that they're doing break dancing at the 2024 Olympics, which is holy shit. How hard can, how hard am I legally allowed to watch the Olympics? How hard am I allowed to watch that happen and them do that? Are you fucking kidding? They're in pay-per-view, but I feel like this is maybe the moment.

I enjoy amateur's break dancing. I can't imagine how much I will enjoy Olympic level professionals. Sure. So I've got what? Probably three and a half years. Do you think I can get there? Three and a half years. Do you think I can get there? I think you can, Griffin, but I think it will be like spoiler alert, the wrestler,

where you'll do it and then die. Wow. Man, the spoilers don't come much, much worse than that, do they? Well, here's the thing, Justin. I've never seen the wrestler. I just know what happened because other people have spoiled it for me. They should call it the dire. Yeah, they should call it. The wrestler and then he dies on it, but man, wouldn't that be worth it? The actual title is wrestler parentheses rip in parentheses.

And they would lower the fucking, well, let's be honest, I would be lucky to place, but so let's say bronze metal just onto my dead ass body slumped over the pedestal. And you would still be all twisted up from your last super cool move that you did? I would definitely die a fucking anteans pretzel man for sure. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, this is also an advice show against all odds. This is also an advice show. And I'm ready to help people if you guys are, unless you have any more great Tim Allen sex.

What do you think Tim Allen breakdancing at the Olympics looks like? I think it would go a little something like this. This is going to get too esoteric. Maybe. They're going to have breakdancing at the Olympics, which means that they're going to have to get judges who are like experts in breakdancing, but aren't at like a competitive level anymore. And I bet that's going to be hard to admit to yourself

because this is a new event and you never got your moment. Right. Okay. I'm buying a fog machine for my band when shows happen again. This is the fucking perfect. You supply and demand wise about fog machines you could get for a song. Oh, absolutely. This is a buyer's market for, for fog machines 100%.

Why stop there? Get disco ball, get one of those things. It's like got all the different lasers inside of it and kind of spins around. Yeah, that's what they're called. There's they need a name for those. They got to get a name for them though. So I'm buying a fog machine for when shows happen again. I'm excited, but whenever I see a band that has a fog machine,

it's always super lame when the band turns on the fog machine and it slowly covers the stage. How do I distract people before the show? When we are dispensing fog. P.S. We are a shoegaze band. That's from hazy and haze. Thank you by the way. These are the details we need folks. Yes.

Yes. Even if they don't make it into the podcast, we need this information. If only we knew what shoegaze was. Shoegaze, that is the one stumbling block. Maybe a sort of a sample because you know what we're about to do is draw parallels to somebody we think is shoegaze and then get mock mercilessly on. I was about to say Twitter, but it'll probably happen on TikTok.

Maybe it's shoegaze. Shoegaze. A shoegaze band. I actually here's I'll tell you what's what's bad you guys. I looked it up after I read this question and I have since forgotten. My bloody Valentine's a big one. That's the one that keeps coming up. Is it like when a band has really good shoes and you can't stop looking at them?

No, I don't think that's probably it. I think it's just kind of mopey. Mopey tones. Mopey tones. Okay. So you're banned to mopey tones. It's shoegaze mopey tones. This is my friend shoegaze mopey tones.

This is why SNL has new cast. You know what I mean? Because then you bring in somebody. I bet Melissa Villa Senor knows what shoegaze is. You know? Yeah. We need some younger macros. Let's get Charlie in here.

I am working on it. That's a weird way to put that grimace. Weird way to put that. I put a baby up in my wife. Come on, what more can I do? Come on. Come on. Now here's maybe this is what an opener is for?

You have an opening at it. Oh yeah. Make the opener come out to your fucking fog machines. Weak, impotent, sputtering. That's so, that is such a rough way to do them though, isn't it? Yeah. For them to come out. I've worked in theater enough that like that, that

like a little bit of fog until it warms up. I guess like no one knows how they work. Can, all right, let's, how long can you leave a fog machine on? Can you just have the fog machine go in like before the venue even opens? Well, then you're using, you're using up the juice script. Yeah, you don't want it. You do not want a roadie rushing out mid-show. To swap the juice.

Yeah, absolutely. It's fucking embarrassing. You don't want to swap the juice. Can you put a garbage bag up on the sort of exhaust tip of the fog machine until that fills with fog and then you can just kind of take it on stage and pop, like pop it or tear it open to get like a bunch of fog all at once. Oh, just like all at once.

Oh yeah, like that. That's cool. The problem is, I know you don't want people to notice the fog machine and I do understand that, but they also have to notice a little bit or they're going to assume there's a fire, right? If there's just all of a sudden a bunch of smoke, you're going to think, well, where's smoke? There's, there's fire. You're going to think that, you know what I mean?

You know what, I, I, boys, I'm going down a trip down memory lane that it's one of the many, many things from my youth that I really haven't relitigated since then, because if I would have, I wouldn't realize how extremely busted it was. We did the Easter pageant every, every year and at that great scene where Jesus kicks open the, the tomb and is like, what's up? I'm back. We, we had a fog machine for that. And as far as I can remember, they only used this one bottle of fog machine juice for every show.

And it smelled so strongly of what its smell was, which was Pinoccholata, which seems at our Southern Baptist church. Here he comes, Christ's King, the Redeemer. He is, he's back and better than ever, baby. And also some tropical themes happening in your nose. Celebrate Christ's birth on the beach. I'm just saying maybe this is why I enjoy Pinoccholata so much is because I sort of think about them in the same way I think about the resurrection of Christ.

I drink one of those, I drink one of those cold fruity babies on a beach. And I just think about the, when I rolled that stone away. Those brain, sometimes this can bring me back to life. You know, can I, you know, maybe, maybe, maybe. This is a fun experience because what the listeners don't know is I dropped out for like 30 seconds because of computer issues and just rejoined. And I have no fucking clue how we got the last thing I heard was like, pop a big bag full of stuff to Pinoccholata when you think about Jesus.

My brain does that for me sometimes while we're recording. And that's actually pretty nice. It can be fun, kind of a fun jumping off. Do you want a Yahoo, fellas? I'd love that, Griffin. Thank you. This one's sent in by Graham Robach. Thank you, Graham.

It's Yahoo! Enter's user, GaryTheHumanBeing, who asks, Wait, how much fog can you get in your mouth at one time? You talk about ripping mad cotton? Just like all at once. The show starts and everybody's just like. I guess it depends on if you want to live with cool lungs after that. Because probably the answer would be zero.

It's just juice, Griffin. It's just juice. Pretty sure it's toxic. Okay, so GaryTheHumanBeing asks, As long as you never give up, you can't fail. And then in the additional details, still time on the clock. I thought that this is one of the more powerful motivational sort of, I guess not speech, but tagline that if you don't stop trying, you can't fail.

You can't fail. But that's just wildly untrue. Okay, let's see, let's see. Okay, Griffin, I'm a boxer, and I've just been knocked out. They ring the bell and then I stand up and say, Let's keep going. I'm not done. Well, you lost.

I've lost. You lost, but did you fail? Yeah, I failed to win. Yeah, but you don't give up boxing, do you? I turn in my test in math class. Oh, I've gotten all the answers wrong, but I just keep writing more numbers. Yeah, but if you keep working in math, you didn't fail, did you? But I failed the test.

You did fail that big test. You did fail the test, but here's the thing. You didn't give up because you keep trying. You can keep asking, are you sure I failed the test? And then you could be like, can you check again? And then you could be like, this is illegal. The test is illegal. I don't got to go to court to prove it.

And then you could lose currently 47 of those court battles. And then, but you haven't failed. You didn't fail yet. You're just still trying. Is there a yet missing from this sentence? That's what I mean. You haven't failed yet? Yeah.

You haven't failed completely. I think that you've mostly failed. There is still one degree to which you have not failed. I think that the world needs to recalibrate a little bit, frankly. I've been thinking about this a lot, where we've got this whole chip on our shoulders when it comes to like, well, you didn't give up. You didn't fail. And like, you know, if you if you fail the plan, you plan.

Sometimes the most respect I have for someone is when they realize they're not good at something and stop doing it. And they say, maybe I'm going to try something I am good at. And they find that thing. And this comes from someone who was really bad at wrestling in middle school. And dad convinced me not to quit the team by saying, quote, McElroy's don't quit. Yeah. Which is wildly untrue.

Yeah. Did he say if you don't quit, you don't fail, there's still time on the clock? I think what he said is if you if you don't fail, then you haven't failed. And if you quit, then I won't have any children who even pretend to do sports. Oh, God, oh, God, please don't quit. Yeah. And so what I'm saying is maybe what we should do is encourage people to give up more. This is like, hey, hey, you don't like that thing.

That thing doesn't make you happy. Stop doing it. But you're this is the opposite of this power. I came here with this powerful Yahoo. And it was and I was trying to inspire a generation. Uh huh. But they didn't work. I can't remember what they generate these.

I can't remember what they know. We're back around. We're at AA's now. Zilin. I don't think that's accurate. I think that's true. These zinnies, they don't know how to fail. We will teach them.

Or they know how to fail too comfortably, Griffin, but they don't give up. And it's time. Maybe they should. OK, maybe they should or maybe they shouldn't. This is what I'm saying is we're so worried about debt forgiveness. What about debt permission? OK. You know, like when someone says, hey, you owe me a lot of money for your student

lunch, you just go, no. No. Forgive me. How about that? And they're like, please give me that money. And you're like, no. I don't think so. Actually, tough.

I just wonder if, I don't know. Can you just say out loud, I forgive you for all your debts? You want me to say, I forgive you for all your debts? You said it. I tricked you, Mr. Mix's Pitalik. You said your own name. Now I don't have any more student's debts. What you can also do, you can trick someone into your debt cave

and then it's their debt and you're free. Yeah. I try this in college. And what I experienced and sort of after college with credit card debt, what I experienced was a series of men with progressively lower voices calling me about the money that they would very much enjoy. And tell you. You know, that's fair.

I did have to fill out a series of more and more complicated paperwork explaining to people how I didn't have money to give them. And it wasn't just that I didn't want to give them that money. It's that I physically did not have it. Yeah. And any amount of money they asked me for, I wouldn't be able to give them. One time, I filled out a piece of paper that explained where all of my monthly like income went and I fudged it to not show being in debt

and made it seem like at the end of the month, I had $5 surplus. And they wrote back and told me that I owed them $275 a month. And I then contacted them and said, Hey, this seems like a bad system. You've seen the number. I showed you. I showed you. We crunched them together. I showed you the math.

I was very detailed. And I said, I even, I'm going to be honest, lied to make it seem like I had more money than I did. And they said, Oh, no, no, no, no, you don't need to do that. Just show the negative. We expect there to be a negative. And I said, Okay. So then I did the actual math and they lowered my expected payment to $150 a month.

Okay. So now that they know you have negative money, now they want a sensible 150. Yes. So what I'm saying is maybe everybody is not paying people money. Okay. Just we're all just going to stop. Yeah. But if wait, they can't collect on all of us at once.

But here's the problem. Here's the problem. And this is maybe God, I'm thinking about it. I definitely just inspired a generation with this thing from Yahoo. But to use your example, the debt collectors heard it. And the debt collectors heard, as long as you never give up, you can't fail. And they're like, I can't fail to get Travis's negative $200 because if I do. Oh, they can try.

If I give up, then I failed at it. There's still time on the clock. They're still trying to. Well, okay. Then I know how to fix that. Debt collectors, if you're listening and I assume you are, you can still collect debt from each other. Okay.

Right? Yeah. You can go live in a little debt collector society where every debt is just passed from one to another and no actual money is ever exchanged. Hey, let's let's try something else too. Okay. Okay. Yeah.

Everyone listening to this. Everybody currently under the power of my voice. I forgive your debt. Wow. You listen. You did nothing wrong. You needed the money. You got it.

Then you didn't have it to give it back to them. I forgive. I forgive you. Do you forget the debt? Oh, man. Yeah. No. I'll never.

Oh, no. Here's the. I forgive your debt. Go fly free. But I'm watching. I'll be watching. Would you guys like another question? Please.

Okay. Since COVID, my mom has been. Why COVID? What? Oh, it's a disease. My mom has been spending lots of time writing within the paranormal romance genre. Spooky sex as.

Thank you. Prefer. Unbeknownst to her, I have been doing precisely the same thing, except instead of a trilogy of original YA novels, I've been working on a well-received anthology series of fan fiction. When she describes her plots to me, I often find plenty of interesting parallels between my stories and hers. I want to discuss them,

but I know she assumes all fan fiction is inherently poorly written and or pornographic. How can I talk to her about a respective sets of ghost whispering lovebirds without admitting to such a taboo hobby? That's from sexy seance in central Florida. So you. You are worried that your mother, who is also writing paranormal sex stories. She's writing ghost sex stories is going to look down on your fucking my hero academia slash. Come on.

Oh, damn. Their mom is working with OCs, original characters, original content. Well, but nothing's original anymore, Griffin. Like Shakespeare did it all. You know what I mean? Like. Thank you. So Shakespeare had all kinds of ghost sex up in there.

You know what I mean? So like it ain't new. That's fun. I'll never forget that one scene where it's layer T slash old Hamlet. Yeah. You know what I mean? I guess so. But if you got one where it's like, here's fucking, here's the Grinch and he's going to do it.

You can't be like, is there anything new anymore? Have you been reading mine, Griffin? That's mine. I've been reading my Grinch Grinch slash Grinch when it's the Grinch from the animated one has sex with Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey, fantastic stuff. And also the tool man's there. Fantastic stuff.

He's got to be there. He's become like the observer. Yes, indeed. He's always there. God, this is, can I say something? This is kind of cute. It's kind of, it's kind of cute. Yeah, it's kind of cute.

Like it's going to be good, like, and it's going to be like a good commercial for, I don't know, the paper that Donald McDonald's where you guys show each other your your your fictions and you both go, ah, the best part of Wake. I don't know why coffee is there. Your friend coffee is there. We can get anything in there. This would make a platform movie and you can call it freaky Friday. Yeah, now we would have to do a lot of press travel for that one to just sort of get it out

there to get our messaging out there that you have to say freaky in a way that lets people know it's not that freaky. You can do that with font griffin. Describe that to, is it just italics? Well, there's, there is some slant to do it. Yes. Okay. But there is also clearly it's emphasized and maybe a little sexual.

Just shit. The letters themselves are some lilfs. Jeez, man. Some nice squishy holes in the G. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. All right. Listen.

Now we got to go through the alphabet. Now we got to go through the alphabet picking out the letters you can have sex with. We're just, you know, you're, God, you want to do anything else in there? We've done that with numbers. Yeah. This is vulgar. I don't enjoy this. We have your remembering.

We can't. Yeah. Listen, all the different Arabic characters are just really horny. Um, I, you know, every genre and subgenre and type of new media is looked down upon by its forebears until something comes along that is irrefutable and maybe your slash fiction is that at first the world, uh, looked its down, uh, no, down its nose at, you know, the novel. And then here comes fucking pilgrims progress or something. You know what I mean?

Like an old novel or something that's like these are very legit, very sexy book pilgrims progress. Let your mom see your, your, your, uh, your stories. And I think honestly, I know that even if they look down, your mom looks down at that kind of work a little bit, I think if you are the one doing it, their precious, precious child, I think that is going to, they're going to be supportive of you. Uh, and they're going to turn it around. And if you wait too long and the stories are too similar, mom is going to start feeling like maybe you're being a little sus when she finds out later.

Oh, what's that? You've been cribbing. I had the two dick ghosts and you put that in your story too. And, and she's not going to believe that it's a holy, you know, it's just an invention of your, of your third eye. Yeah. A poke hergeist? Uh, I'm thinking about it.

Why are you getting back? Sex or Sist is fucking great, Trav. Congratulations. Oh, there's a metal. Oh, it's floating down from the ceiling. Yeah. It's being handed to you by Jad Appamoros. It's bringing you this metal.

I did it. I won podcasting. You did it. Oh, there's a ghost of. Oh, and here's Roman Morris with a bouquet of flowers. That's so nice. And Joe Rogan's at his house, I guess. I don't know what he's doing right now.

Well, he's the one I beat. Let's, uh, let's take a break and go to the, uh, the Money Zone. Listen, real quick, I don't have a lot of time. Are you paying attention? They're coming. We need a hurry. You this holiday season, more people will be mailing stuff than ever before. That means the post office is going to be busy.

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You know, those conspiracy podcasts are obviously detrimental to the fabric of society. But man, I bet it'd be fun. I bet that's a fun set to work on. Yeah, be fun space. Fun space to play in. Speaking of space, square space. I'm not going to do both of them. Yeah, I'll do it.

Let me try it and I'll try to do what Travis did, like his character or like conspiracy guy. Okay, do it, do it, do it. Oh, man, the internet. The internet, everybody's watching you on it and tracking your every move. Vaccines, man. Wait, were you drinking vaccines? Yeah.

That's what I got. Yeah, it kind of sounded like you were just slaking your thirst with some frosty vaccines. I was trying to make like a bong noise. But then I do like better. Yeah, so you don't need government vaccines because of them, the stuff in them. But my vaccines are good. You drink them and I mix them in with some animals. You're going to go nuts for it.

And I'm selling these on my website I made with Squarespace. Because Squarespace lets you make a beautiful website and it's easy. And you can showcase your work or sell products like vaccine-infused animals or services of all kinds. You can promote your physical or online business and they give you a bunch of. Now, Griffin, just one quick note if I may. Your conspiracy furious character is kind of drifting into a very pleasant Squarespace spokesperson. Yeah, I'm enjoying my time with him.

Oh, okay, I'll try and take a bat. Beautiful customizable templates created by world-class designers. Who's world? Who's weakman's world? Not my, not my, maybe my world. Everything's optimized for mobile right out of the box. If you're silly enough to still have a phone with a screen on it with a track you and pictures. And it's got free and secure hosting.

I don't know if they do dark web stuff, but I think I like that maybe. And there's nothing to patch or upgrade ever. And go to school. Never? Never, you don't. It's like a good machete. So go to squarespace.com slash my brother for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use the offer code mybrother.

To save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Now I want to do an ad. Okay, what are you doing an ad for? We don't have any more. I want to do one too with this guy. Okay, what are you doing? Everybody's having such a good time. But you need to talk about a product then.

Well, okay. Are you guys given the charity? You're becoming like Doc Brown. That's good. Everybody, support your local bookstores. Buy local produce. Farm to table, Marty. Well, hello.

I'm Renee Colvert. Hi, I'm Alexis Preston. And we're the hosts of Can I Fet Your Dog? And we got breaking news. We got an expose. It all the beans have been spilled via an Apple podcast review that said, this show isn't well researched. Well, yeah, no duh.

Of course it's not. Not since the day we started has it been well researched. Guessing an anthropomorphizing dog is what we do. The Can I Fet Your Dog promise is that we will never do more than 10 seconds of research before telling you excitedly about any dog we see. I'm going to come at you with top 10 enthusiasm, minimal facts. We're here for a good time, not an educated time. So if you love dogs and you don't love research, well,

you know what? Come on in to Can I Fet Your Dog podcast every Tuesday on Maximum Fun Network. I would like to do the Munch Squad bit, though. OK. I want a munch. Squad. I want two munch. Squad.

Purr purr purr. Do you guys know what? Do you guys know what the Munch Squad is about this week? Yes. OK. Travis, do you? I guess. No, I don't want to guess.

I just want to know if you know. Yeah. OK. Well, let's just enjoy this together then. This is just going to take a minute and 12 seconds, but I think it is well earned. Could I have silence for my brothers? Please, here we go.

What the hell are you doing? A lifetime original mini movie. You don't answer my proposal. And now you're not answering my call. I think I'm falling for the new chef. Jessica is falling for Harlan. The cook? Leave Jessica alone and skip town.

He has a secret recipe that's going to change the world. Harlan claims to have some secret recipe. A secret recipe? Spare me. We all have our secrets. If you marry my daughter, I promise there'll be more long weekends in your future. Mom, I have to tell you something.

We have a problem. Secrets out, chicken man. I'll take care of this. Ruining everything! Just kill him already! Who the hell are you? Harlan Sanders, the new chef. Mario Lopez is Colonel Sanders

in a recipe for seduction. Premieres December 13th at noon, only on Lifetime. Presented by Kentucky Fried Chicken. But like, what if it's good though? What if it's like really, really like Oscar contender good? Sexual, you know what I mean? I don't think we can jump right to the what if it's good take, Griffin?

There's so many other things I think we need to get out of the way first. The one that I want to touch on is there at the end when they felt it necessary to clarify that it was sponsored by Kentucky Fried Chicken. Yes, thank you. I was about to highlight that. What a wild world it would be if it was like unofficial, not approved or endorsed by anyone. Inspired by true events.

Currently impending legislative legal action from Kentucky Fried Chicken. There's fucking secrets out, Chicken Man. Mario Lopez is just crazy about these buckets. So he's funding it himself. I would also like to point out that prime debut slide. Yeah, noon. Classic. So here's the press release.

Kentucky Fried Chicken and Lifetime are teaming up to bring consumers the perfect distraction from all things 2020. The holiday Lifetime original mini movie, a recipe for seduction. Featuring veteran actor and star of Lifetime's Feliz Navidad, Mario Lopez as Colonel Harlan Sanders. The first of its kind. Let's fucking hope so. Lifetime original mini movie.

It's full of mystery, suspense, deception, foul play. And at the heart of it all, love and fried chicken. To enhance the viewing experience of deep fried holiday romance, consumers can order KFC on Uber Eats for delivery and get six free extra crispy tenders with a $20 purchase or more. While enjoying the delicious taste of the Colonel's secret 11 herbs and spices, viewers can share in all the drama of this steamy holiday love affair as they watch a young heiress contend with the affections of a suitor handpicked by her mother.

Now, it does beg the question. I've just spent $20 at KFC and have gotten six free extra tenders. How much of this can I eat in a 15 minute film? Because I have already dreading that experience. When a handsome young chef with a secret fried chicken recipe in a dream arrives, he sets in motion a series of events that unravel the mother's devious plans. That's a whole movie then, huh? Yeah, that's the whole thing.

Quote, we're no stranger to heating things up for the holidays. Just like our famous. How do you think this ends? Fried chicken meals. An interesting guess. Travis, do you have a guess? Spices and flavors. Just like our famous fried chicken.

Scented fire log. But let's face it, we could all use a little distraction this holiday season. Fuck it, they got it, folks. Yeah, they got it at the buzzer. At the buzzer. Coven's been hard, so we put a fake mustache and goatee on Macy Slater. And we're just fucking going for it. Because this will do it, right?

Will this do it? KFC Slater. Why not fill some of your. Oh, man, it's just right here. Let's face it, we could all use a little distraction this holiday season. So why not fill some of your time at home? I mean, Grandpa Pa, what was 2020 like? Well, it wasn't all bad.

There was right there at the end. It was a real buzzer beater of a place. I'll be straight with you, Bryson. It was Mando fucking boring. But then my boy KFC Slater rolled in. We were saved at the end of the year by President Lopez. Well, he was just Mario to us back then. But you know, I can track it all back to that one day.

December 13th at noon when the whole world changed. There was there was, of course, BRS before recipe for seduction. And of course, ARS after recipe for seduction. Now pass me the KFC Bible and I'll tell you more. A recipe for seduction is lifetime in KFC's first ever branded custom mid-form content. Oh, the lifetime original movie is a playful addition to,

well, I mean, you get it. Yeah. Once you get all businessy, it's like, can we just have fun here? It is a good question, though. What will you do for the other 15 minutes lifetime? What is it? You this is the first 15 minute thing you've made. What are you going to put on a fucking episode?

Aquatine hunger. What are you doing after this? After it's linear premiere, a recipe for seduction will be unbound from reality. Continue to be available throughout the holiday season on my lifetime.com forward slash Christmas hyphen movies, all lifetime apps and VOD platforms. Quote, lifetime is the perfect holiday home

to bring this spicy unexpected tale to life. Said David DeSocio path. I'm assuming UVP of ad sales and marketing partnerships, any networks through a terrific cast. And with a wink to the unique sensibilities celebrated in lifetime movies, this co-production spotlights. Can we just have something nice?

I mean, can we just have something nice? No, we did a Chris. We did a KFC lifetime movie. Just say that. It's fine. We've blended the beloved sensibilities of the lifetime. This is dumb as shit. I appreciate it.

You'll like it for 15 minutes and you'll forget about it. We made it chicken. And like you didn't like it and you'll be all ironic about it, but you were sincerely happy we did it and you can admit that here. You know us. You know us. What we do with our chicken log.

You know what this is. Just don't make it new into a fucking business thing. You're not going to sell any more chicken because of this. This is the problem. It's a nice thing because apparently it's been a challenging year according to this press release. It's been a hard year for a lot of us. Apparently.

Here's the thing is that kind of brand explanation. That's where you get into too self-aware where I'm like, oh, you did this for money, you business. Yeah. And that's where I forget that KFC isn't my fun friend. Yeah, sure. Hey, who wants a yahoo? Hey, yahoo.

I'll take one. YAHOO here, sir. Hey, yahoo. YAHOO here for the boy. Here comes yahoo. Okay, this one is sitting by. Oh, too hot. You've burned my boy's face.

They don't have a temperature. He's dead. There's no need to just throw it out. What boy is dead? Did you dump something else hot on him, sir? Because they don't have temperature. You know, I put the yahoo on my boy's head and now he's melted. But look at it.

He was my only boy. Just as you instructed, we blended it with water and gave it to him thrice daily. So this guy who was sitting by Ellie, it's from an anonymous user who asks, oh, they need a name. I forgot that I'd do that. You want some Travis?

The scrunch asks, could you have a normal relationship with someone who is very, very psychic? Like they can see everything. You wonder if anything about you is a mystery? There are five updates. Update one. Oh, yes, it has happened already.

Every day it happens. Update two. That said, not looking for an answer from those who don't believe it, it's a real issue I'm dealing with here from a guy who's not very open to talking to me about it. Update three. He's proven he's psychic already.

Update four. No, he was talking about me eating a donut yesterday before I even knew my sister bought one at the store for me. I don't have donuts every week, so it's not a regular pattern. Update five. Thanks. In quotes.

No, he is. There is proof. If you're in denial about psychics, don't answer the question. Okay. This is the first time, Griffin, at which the additional details has made me retroactively wonder

about the scenario that led to the specific question. Do you think this question-asker wants to date this person? No, I think they're in a relationship with this person, and I think that they live together, and I think that they woke up one Sunday morning, and they are having a slow start to the day, and the husband says,

you're going to eat a cake donut, and then the sister brings a cake donut, and then this woman is like, holy fucking shit. You are very, very psychic. I think I would happily be in a relationship with someone who's very, very psychic. Travis, Travis, Travis.

You're not- We're not talking about fucking crossing over with John Edwards. Or Ghost Whisperer. Yeah, not bullshit like that. No, they're just psychic. I'm talking about someone who is very just super psychic, Trav, real psychic.

Here's the thing, Griffin. Yeah? The question is not about their level of psychonicity. The question is how we're accepting are they of me and everything that I am, right? Do they accept me for who I am with all my flaws? Because if so, I have nothing to hide from them. It is only if they are judgmental

that I would feel embarrassed if they knew everything about me. But we got to have secrets, don't we? Little sneak, little sneak rits that nobody gets to see stuff that we get to do that no one else gets to see, that we do them? Do you all not have- I'd rather share my sneak rits with my partner. Can we get down to the real issue this question, please?

Sure, sure. Okay. I think I felt good about dancing around a bit. Obviously, yes. Okay. If you're at the grocery store and you're looking at donuts, what prompts you to think,

well, Paula doesn't frequently eat donuts. In fact, it's probably a less than weekly occurrence. But I'm going to bring her one single grubby- Just to show Paula I'm thinking about her. I'm going to pick one. I'm going to get some of this paper. I'm going to open this up. One grubby little donut.

Right to my sister who does not enjoy them enough to eat them frequently. Well, just ironically enough, just like my favorite procedural mystery, psych, it is all now laying out before me. I could see the timeline. Jim called Paula and said, hey, remember when you ate that donut?

And Paula said, I haven't eaten a donut in at least a week and a half. And Jim said, oh man, I look like such an idiot. So he called Paula's sister Paula too and said, hey, can you get Paula a donut today? And don't make a big deal out of it and don't tell her I called. Thank you.

And the sister's going through a real bad divorce. She's got lots of time to go get on a single donut run. Yeah. And also, the librarian wasn't dead. He faked it so that he could sneak back in and get the jewel himself. It's just that grocery store donuts are the worst. I mean, if you're going to get eat a donut,

you're going to treat yourself to a donut. Don't eat one from the grocery store. Well, but the convenience factor is there, Justin. You're getting everything else. I can't get my roasted beef from a Duncan. Yeah. Man, it would be cool if you're in a relationship with somebody who could let you win the lottery every day.

Every, until there was no more lottery money left, because you got all of it. And but then they, but on the other end of the sword, they would be like, you're going to fucking waste that. You're not going to invest that one. But Griffin, you're just thinking of someone who's very psychic. Imagine someone who's very, very psychic. So you could be like, hey, does Janice want to hang out

with me on Saturday? And they could be like, she doesn't. Yeah. You're so psyched. I could see, though, I buy that you're, see, that's what I wanted. I want to be like, I'm extremely psychic. Are you really telling me the lottery numbers? I would love to.

But honestly, it doesn't work out well for you in most of the futures that I can see. So I'm unfortunately going to have to win. You go with whole whatever and just say that that's like, it's better that way. I'm making that call. It's better. Trust me.

Hey, it turns out waiting all that money is bad for you. Yeah. Butterfly wins. Much like it has been every single person who's ever won the lottery ever. Oh, that's a faceless thing. That can't be. Well, yeah, Griffin. Of course it is.

I just said every person ever. Well, I clearly don't have any information to back that up. But anecdotally, everybody always talks about, you win the lottery, man, it's going to ruin your life. And have there been a few cases of that? Sure. But most of the time, getting a big fucking bag of money like that, pretty cool shit.

Hey, Griffin, can you step over here with me for a second? Uh-huh, uh-huh. Of course I fucking know that. I'm sorry. Do you want me to? Sorry, sorry. No, Justin, you can stay over there. You can stay over there.

Should I bring jokes with me or can you just stay with you guys? No, you and jokes can hang out. You and jokes can hang out. Okay. Griffin, I'm trying to increase my odds by getting less people to play in the lottery. Oh, jeez. So I need to tell them that the lottery is bad for them,

so that they won't buy tickets so I can play. I like the rubber chicken thing. We probably love rubber chicken. Okay, Griffin. Yes, that's a good idea. Forget what I said. It was a joke. No, wait, we haven't.

Let's go back over. Okay. Hey, we're back over here. Yeah, yeah. Don't do, don't play lottery. Don't play, don't play lottery. Why, Griffin? Oh, it makes you sad to do it.

What kind of stuff could happen to you if you won the lottery? No one ever, no one's, you get a big pool, you fall in. Oh, boy. And you can't have a big bucket of coins, and you don't want to let go of the bucket. Guys, could you excuse me, please? Oh, sure.

Could you guys, I'm going to step over here. Okay. You shouldn't beat box. I know you've been practicing a lot, Justin, but this is not the time to show off your beatboxing skills. And I know it seems like it made the podcast really good and funny, and it would be really cool, but I need you to not beat box.

You've made it this far. Excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt you. I couldn't help it over here from here. I would love to hear you beat box. Was that it? Wait, no, Travis, that's just his open, that's just his open high hat.

Clearly. Closed high hat, closed high hat. Let's hear, let's hear some Tom's juice. Tom's, Tom's, Tom's, Tom's. That's right, textbook. Now just lay all those together. Okay, Gryffindor, get him both. Yeah.

I'm sure. Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom. I'm sure. Hey, thanks for listening to our podcast. My brother, my brother and me. It's so fun to do it for you every week. We're just having a good time over here. We're just having a good time here.

You know what, we'd do it even if people didn't listen, but it would be the more erotic content would be more questionable, I think. Hey, December 19th at 8 p.m. Clear your calendar because we're going to be celebrating the candle nights together, though we can't all be physically in one area. We are still the season arrives regardless. This is going to be a filmed candle night spectacular. We have filmed almost all of it at this point,

and it is going to be buck wild. It's a wild one. Yeah, we got segments from Mbem-Bam, Sawbone, Schmanners, wonderful still buffering, special guests, and it is going to be something else. Tickets are pay what you want with a $5 minimum, and all proceeds go to Harmony House, which is a local shelter for people experiencing homelessness.

They help so many people send you volunteers there and can vouch for. It is an amazing place, and we are so proud to be supporting them again. bit.ly forward slash candle nights 2020 is the address. Please go there and get what you can and come join us for that show. Oh, we should clarify. Sorry, real quick. It is $5 minimum, but there will be a $1.25 fee to cover the expenses of the people helping us do the show, so it will be $6.25 total.

And you will be able to watch it through January 4th, 2020. So you've got a long period to enjoy it. You don't have to watch it right there at December 19th at 8 p.m., but that is when it will go live. We also have a lot of cool Macquarie merch. Well, I just wanted to say real quick that it's a really fun video, and we made it really fun for you because we know everybody's had a hard year. Yeah, yeah, it's been a rough year for all of us.

And so we made it with a bunch of herbs and spices. We've got a lot of cool merch over at macquariemerch.com with some candlelight stuff over there, stuff that you might have seen before, maybe you haven't. But the thing that I want to highlight is the Festo Pin of the Month, which is Festo from the Adventure Zone graduation, if you haven't listened yet.

And that benefits the Transgender Law Center, which employs a variety of community-driven strategies to keep transgender and gender-nonconforming people alive, thriving, and fighting for liberation. So you can check that out, as well as all the other stuff at macquariemerch.com. And here we go. Three books I want to tell you about, my friends.

One, everybody has a podcast, except you, is our how-to podcast book. It's available for pre-order now. Go to themacquariepodcast.com. That comes out January 26th. So I think that's within a window that you could give that pre-order to someone as a candlelight present.

You can also pre-order the Adventure Zone Crystal Kingdom, which is book four of our graphic novel series. Go to theadventurezone.com... Oh, theadventurezonecomic.com, I should say. And that comes out July 13th, 2021. And the Sawbones book is out in paperback on December 29th. It's newly revised and updated for 2020. You can get that at bit.ly slash Sawbones paperback.

Y'all want the final... Oh, thanks to John Roderick in the Long Winters for the Use of Our Theme Song and to Departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed, Great Tunes, Great Tracks. Oh, one more thing I want to say. We're doing the MBM or the MBM AM Angels is happening again. If you want to participate to help fill those empty stockings

in our hometown of Huntington, West Virginia, you can go to mbamangels.com. And thanks to maximumfun.org for having us on the network. Do you want the final, Yahoo? I do, Griffin. I'd really love that. This one is sent in by Amy, or yeah, thanks Amy. It's Yahoo Answers user Hiram who asks,

Let's chill. Do you Christians like V8? My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been My Brother, My Brother Me. Kiss your dad's square on the lips. Maximumfun.org, comedy and culture.

Artist owned, audience supported.