My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 543: Charles Equality Cheese

Episode Date: January 13, 2021

Oh my god what a week. But we're here to sooth your spirits by finding out what national pizza chains have been tweeting about, and also to figure out for ourselves what mood we're going for.Suggested talking points: Ted Cruz Christmas Carol, Viking Slumber, Cactus Bread, Rent-A-Child.To call your representatives and get stuff done: 5calls.orgWays to support Black Lives Matter and find anti-racism resources: https://linktr.ee/blacklivesmatter

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Here come the McElroy's. We've got jokes and bits. We're gonna give advice and you'll find me sick. After it is in store, come inside and see. It's time to start. It's my brother, my brother, and me.

Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother, and me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. Wolf Wolf Dog Pound, I'm your mangy as a brother, Travis McElroy. Uh, who's got a bone? I'm Griffin McElroy. I'm sorry, I apologize. I did not commit to the bit. I've been practicing mine all week. Yeah, sorry. Sorry.

I've been working with Bruce Valanche to script mine to be Griffin. I can't, I put the time in. I paid premium top dollar. For that Bruce Valanche educational cameo. Wow. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. I want a munch. Squad. For America.

Ba-ba. I want to munch for America. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Hello, welcome to Munch Squad. It's a podcast with a podcast. Profiling the latest and greatest in brand eating. Justin, if there's a, sorry to interrupt, just to be a bit of a pedant. It is kind of a podcast before a podcast at this point. It's kind of our opener.

It's a pre-world podcast. So I guess, you know, it's a, it's a weird time to be recording a podcast. We usually record on Thursdays. And last Thursday we were like, we don't know what the fuck is happening. Well, to be fair, we didn't want to record on Thursday. And our reasoning is we don't know, we don't know what Monday is like. But now we're looking at publishing this one Tuesday morning. Yeah.

After recording it Thursday afternoon. And we're still like, I don't know what fucking 5pm looks like. Yeah. So that's where we're at. And what is the question on everybody's lips? Well, it's where does pizza stand on election integrity as the bedrock of American democracy? And of course, everybody knows that this has been a wild time in America. And I feel like everybody's got to speak out and everybody's got to speak up for, for what they think is important, right?

Hey, just, just real quick. Is this a new indicator? Much like it's been a tough year for everyone kind of thing. Yeah, this is, what do you mean a new indicator? Is this something like a new buzzword, a new... Is Domino's going to be out there and be like, election integrity is our whole shit? No Griffin, but pizza in is. Pizza in?

Pizza in? Pizza in is a chain of pizza restaurants. Pizza in, there's like a bunch of them. It may not be one near you. Like Captain in, but there's, there's locations all over this great land of ours, mainly in the southeast of America. There's some in Texas, Griffin. You could go to a pizza in right now if you wanted to.

There's 32 in Texas. Cool. Based on this segment, it sounds like the Justin, that might be a morally difficult dining decision on my part. Okay. Well, let's just talk about it. Let's talk about what's happening in America through the lens of pizza. Yeah.

Because I'm taking a stain and it's a very small stand, but it's a stand I feel like I, Justin McRoy, could impact. Okay. Okay. I'm going to read you the press release, right? And pizza in is, release this as a press release and it... Can I just say, I'm sorry, pizza in is a terrible name for a restaurant, unless you're allowed to sleep there if you eat too much.

I do not get the time in. Confusing. Yeah. It is confusing. I want to thank Jasper and Megan for sending this one along. I appreciate this. I probably wouldn't have heard about it otherwise. Pizza in, this press release is sent to me.

The original press release on PR Newswire was deleted. So I actually don't know what was happening there. The good news is pizza in has left this entire 20 tweet chain on their page. So let's just get right into it. Pizza in is calling for election reform. Here's the tweets. Oh yeah. Get big money out of politics.

I'm all for that. Like, is that what we're talking about? Pizza in takes bold stance for election reform. Widespread concerns over fraud. Demand common sense changes. Not that pizza. Hashtag election fraud. Hashtag Washington DC.

Hashtag January 6th. This was tweeted January 5th. Which as far as timing for shit goes, it's a pretty bad timing pizza in. I will go ahead and give you that one. Pizza in can't get on an airplane now. It is squarely focused on creating a close knit community centered on traditional American values. These values include the preservation of American democracy,

which millions of brave men and women have fought to protect. I'm with them so far. Well, I'm not. Well, Justin, I don't know how I feel about it. Hey, listen, now we can all, as great Americans, we can all. There's only one great American. I like Justin and that's the cookie. Bill and I also.

Nope. Okay. I'm off Bill nine now too. Just great American cookie and great American ballpark. Two great Americans that I like. As the New Year begins, our nation continues to be divided as a result of the re-selection. I mean, not really.

Not super. Not really. Millions of Americans believe that widespread voter fraud may have changed the results of the presidential election. Says pizza says pizza in the next tweet, pizza. It has laid out their theme, right? And you're like, no way is pizza and going to go any harder than this.

And then pizza ends like, we believe this is probable. Take it from us. Pizza and we believe the fix is in. Holy shit. Like most Americans, we are alarmed by the uncertainties and resulting lack of faith in our election system. Most Americans, huh? Brandon Solano chief executive officer of rave restaurant group

Incorporated. What a bold and incorrect state. I am so sick of these fucking celebrity Twitter accounts telling me what to think politics. Politics elite. Pizza in. This is so crucial. Pizza in is not advocating to overturn the election.

Oh, thank God. Nor do we think hastily certifying the results in Congress tomorrow is appropriate. Well, now hold on. Those aren't equal. We fully understand the risks of waiting into such heated political waters. Now here's where I do want to have you go ahead and take a step

back here. January 5th tweet from pizza in. Do you think you fully understand the risks of waiting into such heated political waters on January 5th? Because I think, my friend, you don't actually, you actually don't understand. Maybe you may have even underestimated it a little bit. A little bit.

Maybe just a pinch. Here's a tweet. We at pizza in aren't constitutional scholars. Oh, fuck yeah. Cool. Every pizza chain should have to tweet that. Hey, what about, hey, pizza. Well, we got one, don't we?

Yeah, we got Robbie. Robbie dropped out. Robbie dropped out. Damn it. He didn't get it. Two years? No, he did two years. Not bad.

And then aren't constitutional scholars or experts at making amazing pizza and salads. That is when governors and other elected officials are shutting down our dining rooms. Now, hold on. The second part does not change the first part, factually speaking. Well, now that our dining rooms are closed, it's almost like

you're tipping your hand a little bit and congratulations to them by making it 20 tweets and being like, listen, we don't know what happened here. We're just thinking transparency is important. Also, these fucking mask weenies, right? Yeah. Come get our dirty sloppy Jeremy pizza with extra sauce and extra fucking microbes, baby.

Let me get one mushroom sausage and some fucking Spyro Keats on it, baby. I'm not going to read them because it's garbage, but like pizza and then go so far as to, we are literally 20 tweets in at this point, pizza and then goes so far as to spend two bullet pointed tweets detailing exactly what changes they require in election integrity. I would say voter suppression from pizza and pizza and wants

to suppress pizza and wants to definitely suppress the shit. Now, to be fair, Justin, they did offer in tweet 27 that if you bring in your mail-in ballot instead of mailing it in, they will give you one free personal pan pizza. Not bad there. Pizza in on January 5th, the last tweet in this chain was pizza in respects citizens' rights to agree or disagree with us, boycott us or visit us in solidarity.

We simply ask that each of us remain civil in our discussions, confident in the knowledge that we love our country and want what's best for it on January 5th. This is, this is hot shit from. If only they'd seen. If only they knew how to delete tweets. If only they'd seen. If only they knew.

I mean, they also, it looks like they have tweeted at every, you know, seditionist member of Congress. Yeah. They basically copied all of them like, hey, do you guys ever back or what? Because this is basically our big play. Hey, Nunez? Nunez.

You got us, right? Yeah. Can you imagine? We want to become the exclusive pizza of the trap train. So you guys got to get us on board somehow. You know what pizza gate is? Well, we heard a lot about it. We want to get in.

We want to get in the pizza gates to us. Pizza in. Can you imagine anything sadder or from our perspective more kind of ironic and delightful than somebody going to pizza and getting one of their super sloppy micro pizzas that then, that gives them COVID. And that's not funny as much as then they can't taste anything anymore.

And pizza in's fucking shitty pizza is the last thing they ever taste. Whenever they think about, they'll be eating a fine fancy steak dinner. Oh, a Kobe beef. Loving it. This is that wagyu. How's it taste?

I can't taste it. But when I think about what food tastes like, I think of fucking pizza in. Senator Ted Cruz's favorite pizza. Oh, I love it. Did you guys see the Kevin Sorbo tweets? Kevin Sorbo was tearing. We're not moving on from this yet.

Oh, sorry. Thank you. Pizza in tweeted this on again, January 5th. Uh-huh. And did not have a big tweet after that. But as like recently as a few days ago, people started saying like, hey, pizza in, how do you think it's going right now? Hey, pizza in, how does this look in hindsight for you?

This is filthy right now. I'll give you a sampling here because a lot of people started coming for pizza in. I like this one from Juan Brown, who said, no comment on today's news and no cactus spread. This is why pizza ranch will always be superior. Fuck yeah. Get them.

Get them. Get them. Pizza ranch isn't about sleeping there. It's about writing there. Yeah. Pizza in responded to Juan Brown, which is absolutely where you need to make a statement like this. Yeah.

The replies to a tweet from a person with 164 followers. We condemn the shameful display of violence shown at our nation's capital. We have always and will continue to call for civility and nonviolence from us. Also, sorry about the cactus bread thing. It was a real fuck up on our part. Then they responded to literally like 15 other people.

Same verbatim tweet. I saw this today in a rare example of trying to like shape munch squad to my own means. The reason I wanted to hold this episode's recording until today was I wanted to take a stand. I'm asking the other pizza chains to take a stand as well. I tweeted this incredible pizza in thread and then I called on Domino's, Marcos Pizza, Papa John's Pizza Hut, Chuck

E. Cheese, Little Caesars, Mellow Mushroom, and fuck it, DiGiorno, to announce where they stand on the importance of a peaceful transfer of power as a core tenant of American democracy. And I tell them it's time to take a stand. Now, right now, let me go ahead and see where we're at. Yeah. Got any bites?

Seems like a grounder to me, right? Yeah. Seems like an easy decision. Especially with Shaq at the helm over at P. John's. Okay. You know, Shaq loves democracy. Yeah.

I'm not seeing any. Okay. So far, none of those brands have taken me up on my offer, which is weird if you think about it because I'm opening the door for them to say the very easy thing. Right. And they are declining that door. Pizza in wanted to say the hard thing and know what

has pizza in to say it. But they were like, hold on a second. We've got something to say. They were like, hold my beer. And then everybody from a hundred miles away was like, who are you talking to? There is no one. Set your beer on the floor because there's nobody around you

right now. What is there to hold your beer? Hey, Justin. Yeah. Did you reach out to Totino's? No, I figure I knew where they stand. Also, they've given us a lot of money to do a sponsored episode for them.

So I'm not going to put them on blast. What am I? Some sort of free thinking hippie liberal. No, I kept this peaceful protest of the companies that have not lined our pockets. Fair, fair, fair. At any point that I know of. I want to talk about fucking Kevin Sorbo for a second.

Okay. Yeah, but Kevin Sorbo. Motherfucker. Hercules. Jercules. He tweeted a series of tweets. Like it's happening. Four fucking rad tweets.

Like it's happening. And then like, oh, yeah, this is awesome. And then like, hey, everybody, don't act like Antifa. And then the fourth tweet is, I'm hearing it wasn't really protest. You're just Antifa dressed like Trump supporters. Such a wonderful, like, uh, uh, uh, you know what I hear? My uncle told me that he was actually just Antifa.

And then fucking Lululee Lawless, my girl came out of nowhere and was like, you look like a dumb shit. It was so good. It was pretty fucking yummy. What does Lululee stand on all of this, Traff? Uh, he is, he's an independent. Our Hercules reporter on the ground. He's an independent.

What a fucking, what a fucking week. Huh? We went back and forth guys about how to do this one. I don't fucking know. It's wild out there. Some of it's- It's literally while we are now, while we are recording this, the U.S. Department of State website just updated to say

that President Trump's term ended just now. And everybody's like, is this real? Like, there's not a great window for us to do a show. Hold on. I don't think it is. I don't think it's, I think it's probably a goof. You know how they do a lot of great goofs. It's probably a fun goof, but like.

Um, I just want to say in, it's just a sort of place, uh, uh, import on it as well, uh, you know, hit up the pizza places and ask them where they stand. But also, I would encourage you to go to 5Calls. Number 5Calls.org and, uh, contact your representatives. It's great. They have a list of active issues that you can kind of choose your own adventure and it'll give you some tips on how

to contact your reps. And there's so many of them right now. There's so many. So many different issues. There's a lot of different issues. There's a lot of different things that you should, there's a lot of different accountability subjects that are worth following through.

And the number one is where does the pizza company stand? No, that's actually just the number one in the ones we might have some theoretical. Oh, okay. Yeah. That's the one that, we can move the chains on that one, but you can move the chains on everything else. Number 5Calls.org.

Do it. Make it a habit. Make that your fucking hobby for 2021. That's big dog run energy right there. Oh yeah, it is. Hey, can I say, can we speak on that for a moment? Let's speak on big dog run for a moment. I want to speak on big dog run.

I was thinking about it and I was having some fun because our friend, um, it's not a big deal. It's just our, uh, a lot of our famous beloved friends were calling me to tell me how much they love the episode. And they're like, you did it. You crushed it. Yeah. I was chatting with them and I was thinking like,

we did that on Monday and then things got weirder, so much weirder and worse, like right after that. And I was trying to- Hold on. They got really good Tuesday night. Tuesday night was like, fuck yeah. We're going to do- What happened Tuesday night?

Oh, that's- That's when, uh, the Democrats took the Senate. Um, I can- Well, that wasn't official until the next, you know what I'm saying? That's true. That's fair. Let's just say I was feeling a lot of big dog run energy

from Tuesday evening to I'll say Monday around 11 o'clock central time. And then that energy left me. I was so grateful for big dog run at, because I was trying to think of what theme we could have picked in the year that would have been instantly undone and subverted by the events of the past week.

Yeah. And actually big dog run is the literal only theme that wouldn't have been just like absolutely trouts. Anything inspirational or uplifting would have been instantly undone. But big dog run, it's- You know what it is? You know what big dog run is?

What's that just for? It's a mantra. It doesn't mean anything. It's something for you to meditate on and you take away from it whatever, you come to it innocently and effortlessly and you just kind of see what comes of it of rising on big dog run.

Did you- We learned about this on Schmanners. There is a German saying of like this is sausage to me. And I love it because like I don't know how much that actually means, but it's a good response to a lot of things much like no bones about it. Like that is something like you could say

if someone was upset or happy or sad, you'd be like, yeah man, I know no bones about it. That's bad. You know, like it kind of fits a lot of different scenario. This is sausage to me, which also kind of goes with big dog run because them fellows love sausage. Let me just say though, I'm worried,

I got worried a little bit that maybe the insurrectionists, terrorists had listened to our program and thought like here comes, this is our brand of big dog run energy. I don't know about you guys, I was scanning that crowd looking for, well it would be big dog brand merchandise.

Just because that would be a, that would I feel like be a week two rearrange-o of the catchphrase. I think we can't agree though. That was like little yappy dog energy, right? That's not big dog energy. That was fucking Ted Cruz energy. That's the opposite.

Ted Cruz is a little yappy dog. And listen, before you tweet us, I love little yappy dogs. I'm talking about stereotypical little yappy dog behavior. You know what I mean? That Ted Cruz, he's a little yappy dog. I could talk about how much I hate Ted Cruz all day long. Please do.

Okay. Well, you see the thing about it is, he's got this clinical case of dick face. I see his face. I just want to punch it. I would never do that because I'm a law-abiding citizen of these great United States. And I'll continue to just wish him ill from afar.

Yeah. Like a great American citizen and try to convince Griffin to vote against him. One of these days, well, I'll get you one day one on Gryff. Are you kidding me? You know, I voted for fucking cool ass skateboard. Bado.

Hello. Griffin's a Bado male and you know that. I'm a Bado cuck and I love that shit. It's just like when I see Ted Theodore up there and he's doing his thing and he's like, and these, these Antifa, like he's up there and he's talking about how Antifa wants to come and take away all your guns and babies.

And I think like, it's like he's not even thinking about what I want. He's where he represents my interests. Is he think like, Griffin's going to love this shit. It's no. It sucks. Ted Cruz is like,

if there was a character in Star Wars who like worked for the emperor, the emperor was constantly like kind of slapping around. But then the next day also that character showed up and was like dressing like the emperor and kind of like, now he is talking like the emperor and the emperor is like,

I still don't like you. I was still slapping him around. Ted Cruz has got this energy, like if you brought your nine-year-old nephew to tee piece some people and you got him all hyped up on the drive over and he's like, you're going to fucking get him, aren't we?

And we're like, yes, we are Ted. Let's get these guys. And then you open the door and push Ted out and he ran at him like, here we go motherfuckers, it's on. And you drove away. That's Ted Cruz energy right there. And he's just like TPing like,

yeah, we're getting them guys. This is happening now. We're getting them. See, he kind of seems to me like if you were planning to TP someone. So he just went ahead five hours early at like 4 p.m. and started doing it.

And people were like looking out the window like, what the fuck is going on? This guy do it. We haven't even had dinner yet. Why is he TPing our house now? I'm getting you. I mean, you're not even making it up to the trees, Ted. You're not unrolling it first.

You're just throwing whole rolls of telepapers. It's like he bought a black metal t-shirt at Hot Topic on the way to the concert. And he opens the door like, I love Satan. Are you guys wild about Satan? Me too. He's like a non-narc-narc. I also heard, and maybe it's just a rumor,

but he pisses his pants on purpose because he likes the warm feeling against his legs. He does it. And then he tries to... They can't come at me for saying that because of First Amendment. He also, I heard he likes to pee his pants and then try to convince other people

that they bet him he wouldn't for money. But it's like after the fact, and they definitely didn't. Every day, one of his staffers has to put up with that. Every day, Ted Cruz's Theodore standing up and saying, ah, pay up, sucker. I pissed the front of my pants again. Yeah.

Yeah, we don't normally like to get political in this show, but what the fuck else are we gonna do? I don't know. No, I'm just saying that Ted Cruz... I don't think that that's a fair thing to say that we don't like to get political on the show. I mean, maybe never as explicitly that we do say that Ted Cruz pisses his pants on purpose

because he likes the good warm feeling between his legs. And to win money from staffers. Yeah. I heard that he creates Facebook pages for TV shows that have been off the air for 20 years, that only he watched, and then he gets mad when his friends won't join it, even though they didn't watch the show

and nobody's even really sure that it existed. That's just what I heard. Why won't you guys join my fucking Johnny Bago Facebook? Come on, guys. Come on. The show had both Jake and the Fat Man. What's not the like? He created one Facebook group that he just titled

that one show that was about a car race across the country. And I think that maybe Nathan Fillion was in it. It was on Fox for two episodes. And people were like, Ted, you don't even remember the name of the show. And he's like, yeah, but I watched every episode. Okay. So yeah, we're going to do some advice.

I want to help some God, if we could just help somebody, you know what I mean? Maybe we could like, we could like Christmas Carol Ted Cruz. Is there something we could do? Okay. What? Okay.

If you guys were going to. What guys are you going to call them? Oh, I'm going to go to the future. Maybe I want to shove that fool into an open grave. That was maybe the line crossing. That's going to be the one that maybe gets old Travis in trouble. To be clear government, Travis was talking about only in the context of

if they were in a production of a Christmas Carol together. And that was this. And that was the stage directions. Um, No, no, no, Travis, he wants to push him into an open grave because he was about to fall into a much deeper open grave. He was on fire and there were three inches of water at the bottom

of the open grave. Yes. Travis is dressed up as the, as the grim reaper. And he, uh, he, the director's like, all right, now push Ted Cruz into the grave, your co-star. And then Travis is like, Oh, I don't know if that's going to happen. I don't know if that's going to happen.

I don't know if that's going to happen. And then Travis is like, Oh, I don't know if that's such a good idea. He's, uh, in government. Um, But then he smells like old piss. But he said, but Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz says it's okay to do it. Yeah, that's what I meant.

I worry we might lose some people on this. Well, if we haven't lost him by this point, Justin, good riddance, folks. You'd fucking think that. But every time I tweet, there's always one person who's like, listen, I've stood by you guys for 10 years,

but this is just too far. And it's like, What show have you been listening to? The statement, Ted Cruz pisses his pants on purpose because he likes the wet, warm feeling between his legs is about as bipartisan as it, as it, as it gets. Listen,

if Joe Biden got up on inauguration day and led with that, Yeah. full across the aisle support. Yep. That's the unity that we need right now. Hey, state of the union. It's me and Joe Biden.

Can we all agree that we heard Ted Cruz pisses his pants to feel the warm feeling on his legs? And cheers. Fun. There would be everyone's on their feet, except Ted Cruz. Yeah. Because it's an embarrassing stain.

Yeah. Do you guys think we could be sued? Could we be sued for making a t-shirt that, that with all proceeds donated to a charitable cause? Uh-huh. Could we be sued for making a t-shirt that says Ted Cruz likes to piss his pants because he loves the warm feeling between his legs.

Because the only thing that you could say is that slander or libel. Well, Justin, all we do, all we do is it has to start with. That would require him to, in accordance with what I say, I actually don't like the warm feeling. I'm a big boy. He makes hot eggs in the potty.

It's unpleasant when I pee my pants. No. When I pee my pants, it is on, on accident and I do not enjoy it. Okay. If it says when Ted Cruz pees his pants, he likes the warm feeling between his legs. And then if he takes us to court of law,

the judge will say, all right, piss your pants, Theodore. Demonstrate. And then we'll, and then tell us if you like it or not. The shirt could also say, I heard Ted Cruz likes to piss his pants. And then if he's like, I don't like to piss my pants to feel the warm feeling on my leg, then you say, listen, Ted, just what I heard. Just what I heard.

And when someone says, where did you hear it? You say, well, it came out of my own mouth. And then I heard it with my ears. There it is. Maybe we print it on the inside of a shirt. And people can, yeah. Here's what we do. Oh, we put the word doesn't,

but it's only in heat reactive letters that you can't see. Yeah, that's good. And then when it's like, I'm going to sue you. You was like, uh, hold on right there and you take an iron. Let me take you to the club where the black lights shall reveal. All right. I actually just got an email from this week's sponsors and they said, thank you so much for choosing this episode

to feature our products in. Oh, you're so welcome. We're so excited to have this be the one. Uh, let me check. Sorry. Real quick check of my replies. No. Okay.

Nothing yet. Nothing yet. Okay. Cool. Cool. I expected that from delivery, but not the genre. It's pretty good. Sure.

We've helped so many people already. Why not take a break? Yeah, man. We can do a question if you want just to cleanse the palette or we can like come back with a cleansed palette and helps people out. Yeah. How about before we do go to our sponsors this week,

we do it just a quick yahoo. I got a lot of really good ones this week and I'm very excited. In fact, it's another thing I hate Ted Cruz about is they occupied a lot of good yahoo jokes time. This one was sent in by Graham Robach. Thanks, Graham. It's yahoo answers user. They're anonymous.

Jed Cruz asks, ideas for celebrating 13 year old's first monster energy. Huh. My son Jackson bought his first monster today and he promised me he wouldn't drink it before I could throw together a party. What should I do for the party? So proud. Huge.

This is, this one rides the line of is it, I don't know, it was fucking shrek, shrek trolls again. Yeah. But after this past week, I feel like there's probably some people out there who would celebrate their 13 year old son, Jackson, spelled J-A-X-S-U wins first monster energy bought with his own allowance. 13 years old.

I'll tell you all the reasons to violate COVID protocols. I think throwing a monster energy party is probably the worst one. Yeah. I don't know. I think maybe St. Peter might like hearing a new one. You know, I just said new. Oh, for monster energy.

Oh really? A party for it. I would make the point that you don't want monster energy to be the last thing you tasted. It's got to make it something good at least. Yeah. I think that it's all about the ceremony of the flavors. I think he's going to be tempted to the first time it crosses

his lips and he feels the sort of sort of hot burning of real energy. It's so hot. The energy comes in. It's really hot. It's fucking so hot. He's going to be tempted to bail. Yeah.

And I think you need enough peer pressure in the room that like he can't. And after he finishes the can, I think one really important thing to do is to pull up a whole case of it. After that, oh, you're so tough. Yeah. You think you're so cool and tough. And make him smoke the whole case.

Yeah. You make him smoke the whole case of monster energy. Yeah. Monster energy's flavors are not as fun and exciting as I hope that they would be. Oh. There would be one that was like psychostrawberry and fucking. Oh, wait, never mind.

I was looking at the wrong part of the website. They definitely are pretty out there. Can you give me a sampling? I mean, oh my. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. There's a camo one.

There's a camo can. And it's got the usual monster stuff in it, I guess, but it is. Oh, it's classic cola plus monster. It's monster assault. Oh. And this is on the website at Monster. We don't get too hung up on politics. We're not for the war against the war or any war for that matter.

Oh, wow. Wait, cool shit, monster. You're not for the war against the war. Or any war. We'll leave the politics of the politicians to keep doing what we do best. Make the meanest energy drinks on the planet. Declare war on the ordinary. Yikes.

Oh. Wow. Grab a monster assault and viva la revolution. It says this on the website. Monster, you need to update your shit. Now what I would update it. What I would recommend for the party is to just do like the traditional kind of thing where you put the can of monster energy on one side and then you get just like lines

of warriors with pain sticks on either side and has Jackson moves down. He gets shocked by the pain sticks as he chants today. I'm a warrior. I must show you my heart. I travel the river of blood. If you're doing this, you got to do muscle monster, the protein chocolate energy. Oh, absolutely. And then he reaches the end.

He drinks it. And now he has reached the age of ascension. And now he is officially a warrior at that point. What's the point of getting jacked on monster energy energy and fucking punch in the side of hearties so hard that you break the bones in your hand if you're not going to be super strong from all the chocolate protein energy in it as well. So you need the energy. Absolutely.

You need all this wild energy, but you also need the power to use it. Why not offer him a choice? Put the muscle energy drink there, but then also put maybe like the spiritual energy drink there and the emotional energy drink there. And he has to choose between the three of those. No, because it says on the muscle monster thing on the website, not recommended for children, people sensitive to caffeine, pregnant women or women who are nursing. And that's and you just say it's another one of the First Amendment things.

It's just another First Amendment thing they're stacking up. You know where it doesn't say that is over on the page for M Hydro. Oh, you know how water fucking sucks. Water fucking sucks, dude. I drink it and I'm still as tired as I was before. Waterworld 70% of Earth is covered in water. It just says that. Waterworld.

Tell me. Tell me that you this this copywriter was not had a word count they had to hit. Okay. This is what it says. Waterworld 70% of the Earth is covered with water. You got bottled water from mountains, glaciers, virgin springs, tropical islands and the Arctic. There's mineralized four or five.

Jesus. There's mineralized electrified pH balance triple filtered and straight out of the city tap. What's the point? You've got to hydrate every day. So you might as well enjoy a boost while you're at it. Monster hydro non-carbonated and lightly sweetened with natural flavors to make it thirst quenching and easy drinking.

We added just enough of that monster magic by which we mean monster we put in water to get you fired up. Here's some flavors and one of them is called Red Dog. Oh boy. And the next one's called Blue Stream. There's those thirsty over here. You know, I would like this same energy and copyrighting to be put towards like sleep aids.

That's just like, Hey, man, are you ready to sleep like a Viking? Huh? You want to crash at the end of the day like a lightning bolt hitting a tree? Well, then you need to get big dog slumber. History tells us that Vikings like to sleep on a floating bed of sticks that was on fire. Well, actually that's not, they are not asleep. Why did you think they're asleep? You got to with a fucking monster bed fire.

Melatonin Valhalla. It's a, no, it's a ritual. They're not asleep. Did you think they were asleep? Certainly not. Did you know that Vikings didn't even wear horns on their helmet? Now take this sleepy bill and have a good night's sleep, little baby. Did you know every Viking on 16 axis is true?

Now take a little nap, sweepy boy. How would you like to have the most visceral nightmare you've ever had in your life? The drink is literally called monster. Oh gosh. Okay. Well, let's take a quick break and we're going to go to the money zone. This week's sponsor is of course, Monster Energy, who I have recently realized in the past few minutes.

We've likely alienated as a potential future sponsor. But did you hear me talk about monster assault energy? I don't know that I love. We are calling on Monster Energy to change their assault branding. All right. Griffin. Yeah. I would like to issue you a challenge.

Yeah. I want you to pretend that I'm an alien who's landed on earth and I have no idea what socks are. And I want you to describe them to me. Soft shoes inside. What are shoes? Is this the alien? I am the alien.

Bork Bork. Bork Bork. So. Bork Bork. Please. Bork Bork feet. You got them? I have 18 feet.

Okay. Do you cover them or do you just walk around on your spaceship or whatever? I cover them with foot condoms. Yeah, that's socks, pal. Gross. No, they're really good and like soft and they feel good. Yours also made of aluvian skin. No, they're made out of like really comfortable stuff.

And I mean, I'm talking about bomba socks. I've worn like shoes. Oh, bombas? Why the fuck didn't you just say that? All right. Yeah, I didn't know because you didn't know what shoes were. You didn't know what this brand was. But everybody knows how comfortable and wonderful bomba socks are.

You asked me what socks were. Why did you waste my time? Hey, don't be an asshole, man. I'm trying to help you out. All right. Hey, by the way, bud, partner, it's not a good time to visit. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Can you, like, it's cool and we've all been waiting for it and like, you know, arrival and all that shit, you know, give us time travel powers or whatever. But can you come back once we sort of got it all sorted? Should I talk to your leader first? No. Fuck no. Listen, Blort Blort. No, just go to the moon for like a month or so.

It's still going to be, you know, not great in a month or so. But if you could just, we're kind of in it right now, Blort Blort. Blort Blort, please. Anyway, if you buy a pair of bomba socks, you also give a pair to people experiencing homelessness, a nice warm and comfortable pair of socks from your friends at Bombas. It's a small comfort that's especially important right now. So if you want, you can give a pair when you buy a pair and get 20% off your first purchase at bombas.com slash mybrother.

That's B-O-M-B-A-S dot com slash mybrother for 20% off your first purchase. Bombas.com slash mybrother. I am still here, oldest brother Justin. Tell me, what is a Brooklynan? It's a trap, you know. You fucking know. A sheet for a bead? You're mispronouncing it, but you got the idea.

Not just any sheets there, Blit Blort, but fantastic sheets. Blort Blort, please. Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I apologize. Blit Blort was my father. I mainly know human names. They're pretty close-minded of you. I love this character.

Brooklyn, all my ads are going to be so fucking cool. I'm not going anywhere. I'm very sexy, too. What do you look like, Blort Blort? I got 18 legs and six-pack abs. That doesn't exactly track one aesthetic pleasure. I've got four boobs. Brooklyn works directly with manufacturers.

Blort Blort, you're making me wish I had six hands. The other two are joking to death. Oh, no, my beautiful swan like neck. Brooklyn, it works. Some people skip our ads. Brooklyn, you make me wish you had six boobs. I have six boobs in your heart, Griffin. Blort Blort, you make me wish I had eight nars.

Brooklyn works directly with manufacturers to make luxury available directly to you without the luxury level markups. They've got a variety of sheets, colors, patterns, and materials to fit your needs and tastes. Even my needs and tastes. Brooklyn is also notoriously forgiving for podcasts. Don't get mad at them when they talk about

things that are not directly sheet-related. Blort Blort, you're going to love these sheets if you haven't tried sheets yet. They're still going to be the best ones you'll ever have. Oh, I've tried sheets. I've got Brooklyn in sheets and comforters and pillows and towels. Even loungewear.

It's 2021. Do something nice for yourself to start the new year. To help you do that, Brooklyn has a special offer. Go to Brooklynin.com and use the promo code mybrother to get $25 off when you spend $100 and more, plus free shipping. That's B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N dot com. And then the promo code mybrother to get $25 off

when you spend $100 and more, plus free shipping. Brooklynin.com and use the promo code mybrother at checkout. Hi, I'm Joe Firestone. And I'm Manolo Moreno. And we host Dr. Game Show, a podcast where listeners submit games and we play them regardless of quality with a dozen listeners from around the world.

We've had folks call in from as far as Sweden, South Africa, and the Philippines. Here's an example. This is a game we've played called Cotton Candy Chicken Nuggets, where you have to sing any eight syllable phrase to the tune of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. You have an example, Manolo? Yeah, here's one.

Little baby turkey turnips. Oh, nice. Thanks. Dr. Game Show has new episodes every other Wednesday on Maximum Fun. Check us out. Please. Update.

Real quick breaking update. We still have not gotten any responses. OK. From the pizza chains. But I do think there's a reason for that. As a couple of people pointed out in my Twitter responses, Hita Shura was the first, I believe. There hadn't been a lot of tweeting going on, actually,

from these particular brands. Let's check and see when the last tweets were. Domino's January 6th. In the morning time? Yeah. Marco's Pizza January 6th. Papa John's last tweet there was January 5th. And juice, I don't think Papa John's going to be on the right side of history.

Well, they got shacking there. I don't know. Pizza Hut's last tweet was on January 5th. I'm noticing a pattern for sure. Little sister's last tweet was on January 5th. It's taken them a long time to figure out how to denounce the violence at our nation's capital. Real long time. Did you know?

January 5th. Then none of the brands have tweeted since the events of January 6th and the failed coup attempt on our nation, except for one brand who had the guts to speak up after these shameful, shameful attacks on our democracy. And it's Charles E. Cheese. Charles Entertainment Cheese. You're telling the me.

So wait. So what was that, Griff? Charles Entertainment Cheese. Interesting. Okay. January 8th. Have you ever wondered what the E in Chuck E. Cheese stands for? So have we.

Join Chuck E.'s friends as they go on the game show. Championship Chuck E. Challenge. Championship Chuck E. Challenge to guess Chuck E's middle name. And then there's a video that's four minutes long of puppets talking about Chuck E. Cheese. And that was tweeted on January 8th. Okay. Not great. Not great also because it's entertainment and everybody fucking knows it.

Everybody fucking knows for that. You know what, Justin? If it helps, this wasn't a response to the failed coup at our nation's capital. But on the third, we could pretend like this tweet isn't a response to that. We're bummed to hear your experience wasn't what you had hoped for. We'd like to let our guest relations team know about your experience. Could you message us with your name, phone number, email, store location and visit date please? So that's, that's not bad.

And they tweeted that. That was tweeted to bloork bloork. That was tweeted at Q and I. Yeah. Oh no. But they were working with the FBI, Griff. And it was a staying operation. Yeah.

We didn't watch the video. Maybe at some point during the Charles Entertainment Cheese puppet video, they're like, let's explain how these accusations of voter fraud are historically mired and white supremacy. And let's just all unpack that right now. It doesn't end with Trump. Maybe there is a very thoughtful discussion of that because everybody knows the dude's middle fucking name. Equality. Yeah.

Yeah. It's not. It's Charles Equality Cheese. Wait, what were you going to say? I am. So what I'm going to say is I'm really excited to read the split cider article about this episode or the, perhaps the AV club will get this one where they're like, I can't believe they did it. A lot of people thought they couldn't do it.

They couldn't thread the needle and make a, an episode in the wake of the failed coup on our nation. And, but they did it. The boys had the perfect tone throughout the entire episode. You always forgot the kind of tumultuous landscape we were living in as they wished us away to entertainment town. But not in an escapist way. No. You know what I mean? Like it still kept you grounded.

They fixed it all. Well, they didn't fix it because that would have been disingenuous. Now they had the perfect balance. Hey Griffin, what do you think was the most effective thing about this episode so far and how it's dealt with the ongoing strife in our nation? I think it's probably when we talked about the fact that isn't it silly that Chuck E. Cheese did a funny video right after the thing happened. And, but also that's what we're doing right now. Not really. Not exactly the same.

It was kind of a bit. But we're, but we're at least mentioning it. Yeah. Yeah. And we're talking about it and we are taking something. But we don't, but we don't have ski ball. We don't have ski ball. We don't have ski ball.

So that pretty much balances out. We're taking a stand and Chuck E. Cheese has ski ball. So it's balanced at this point. Yes. I just don't know. We didn't know what to say. I don't know what to say. I didn't know it was appropriate.

We've talked about this. Like when is a good time? We don't want to be like a distraction from the important things going on because I think it's important to pay attention and to act. What's that address again, Griff? The URL that people should go to right now. Number five calls.org. Five calls.org. You should go there and do something.

But at the same time, like there's not going to be a cool time to do jokes. Hopefully in the future, you know, I hope. This is a wild suggestion, right? This might be completely out of the feel for us. It's not something we normally do. But maybe we could like answer a question from somebody for advice. I know this may sound peculiar, but I'm wondering how to find a child. Preferably more than one.

That's the end of the question. Okay. They go on. Sorry. There's more. I missed it. There's more to read my middle grade sci-fi novel. That must be a maybe it's a British thing.

Who knows? Middle grade middle school. Maybe it's like for middle school. That's what I know. I use context clues to figure out just trying to figure out who says middle grade. Anyway, I've just finished my first book and I would like a kid's opinion. Unfortunately, I'm 25 and none of my friends and I wish I was 25. You are a kid.

And none of my friends are old enough yet to have kids in middle school. I don't have any younger siblings or cousins I can coach either. When my fellow adults read it, the reactions were good, but their opinions, while nice, are not the most important ones. I'm willing to pay said kids for their time, but asking to rent a child seems like a tricky subject to broach with a stranger. How do I find children who can tell me ways to improve my writing? And that's from Jamie.

And here's my advice, Jamie. Maybe you could upload it to Fortnite. No, that's not bad. Do they do books in Fortnite? Yeah, when you're hiding from other people trying to dance on you or whatever. They're like, do you want a book? Yeah, they leave them around like a doctor's office. You just pick up a manuscript, leaf through that real quick.

Oh, the laser fight. Oh, no. He flossed me or whatever. Yeah, okay. I think I follow. You know, another one, you could just like loiter around like a park. No, no. You know what?

There's no way. There's let's rule out physical in person. I mean, there's an ongoing pandemic also is another thing to keep in mind. I do purely digital strategies. And so far, I think it's going to be difficult to beat Fortnite. What's the one? I think it is unfair that the website is called AO3 and there's also a very well-known person named AOC because I have a really hard time separating those

two and I always want to say you could upload your story to AOC and that would be a completely different. She might give you some good feedback. Yes. And she could maybe signal blast it to some of her middle school aged followers. Maybe if she has those, I assume she probably does. She's a big influence on the younger generation. In middle school, I had to read grown-up books.

I had to read Red Badge of Courage. Yeah. Classic grown-up book. I had to read. Call it the wild. I had to read Hatchet. No. You got to read like grown-up old-ass books so I don't see why.

I fucking read A Good Earth. I read ordinary fucking people in middle school. I just think that good literature is good and so you don't need a kid's seal of approval. If kids can read grown-up books, I guess we can't read teen books. Well, Griffin, you have your money or something. Hey, Jamie, kids don't Scott's money. You're selling it to grown-ups.

Grown-ups are buying it for their middle school kids. If you're grown-up friends like it, put on the cover like some space aliens and laser gun fight, but also they're reading books and respecting their parents. But it's the parents. Yeah, it's the parents who are getting it. So you need a character on the front of the book who is respectful and doing homework and will sit still for video calls with Uncle Shack.

Whoa. That meme just came out. We're sitting here talking about the importance of reading for young people and gosh, it is so important. Are we? I'm sitting here reminded of when Griffin was talking about the boring adult books he had to read and it reminded me of when I was in elementary school, there was this program where like you got points.

Oh, yeah. Accelerated reader. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, not book it. That's for fucking pizzas. You got pizza points though. Accelerated reader was like this program in school where you read books. You get points for it.

Accelerated reader program. And I was just recalling how if your parents read books, they could get points for you as well. What? Really? I remember dad reading the Virginian to get points. And then he had to do a quiz where he answered questions about the Virginian. And I'm sitting here thinking about that now as a 40-year-old man.

I'm thinking, how the fuck did that help me? Yeah. Justin, I don't understand what I gleaned from that. Is that real or was dad cheating for you? No, dad was, I mean, this was in person. He had to go in. He came down to the school to take a test on the Virginian? It was pre-COVID.

Yeah. Of course it was pre-COVID, Justin. That's not the part I'm worried about. Travis, we did things a little differently back then. A little differently back then. I remember Accelerated Reader that it showed you the points, how many points you could get based on the boringness of the book basically is essentially what it was. And I loved running the arithmetic in my head that I could read Last of the Mohicans or

for an equal number of points, I could read 12 Anamorphs. I think I'll go for 12 Anamorphs this time. Mr. Fenimore Cooper, catch you next time. I won Accelerated Reader by reading the Bible and I aced it, aced that test, which I wasn't expecting, but now I can tell you every word of the Bible to this day. That's true. Travis knows it. Travis, give me, what's John 315?

Hey, wait for this great one. This next one's going to be a real fun thing. It says hold on to your asses. I'm about to blow them away. It actually says 1212, here comes the new shit. And it actually says DJ Khaled, we the best music, which is bizarre to me. It says back me up, Pipple, which is weird. Which is weird because Pipple's not even in the Bible much.

Well, not much. It says my name is Jesus and I'm here to say, and that just stops. There. It says, listen to this joke I'm about to make. Oh no. Hey, this one's not, this next one's made up. Hey, it's opposite day. Here's some dope shit my uncle Kevin told me.

John 315. John 317 is psych. John 315 and John 317 are actually both get-or-done. A lot of people don't know that. It's all going to be fun. Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. My brother, my brother and me, we did our best. I don't know.

Hang in there. We're all hanging in there. We don't know. You don't know. You know what? Here is a weird thing. You're listening to this on Tuesday. We're crazy on Monday.

You are infinitely smarter. Yep. About the world than we are currently. It's kind of like that thing where it's like you get one penny every day, but then like you double it and like how much you have the end. Every day, the world's entirety of knowledge seems to double and it's a lot to keep up with. The great Gatsby just in her public domain. So we're going to be reading all that next week.

We normally promo. That one's six animals. Hey, thanks to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. Lots of cool shows there. Cool shows with the jokes, some serious ones and stories ones. There you go. All there on MaximumFun.org. I do want to say real quick, over at the merch store, we got a new pin of the month.

It's the three of us as Cerberus. And those go to benefit the N-A-R-A-L, which fights for access to abortion care, birth control, paid point to leave and protection from pregnancy discrimination. Go check it out. There's a bunch of other stuff over there too, McRaeMerge.com. Let's see. You know, we got a book coming out. The Sawbones Paperback came out a couple weeks ago.

I'm not going to keep plugging it every week, but if you like weird medical history and we're really proud of it. It's a new version. The original hardback had some issues. This one doesn't. It's real good. So please go buy it wherever fine books are sold. It's like two weeks until our podcast book.

Everybody has a podcast. Except this comes out. We're having a book launch event for that on January 26th at 9 p.m. Eastern Time. It's a free virtual event. We've partnered with six independent bookstores. If you pre-order from them, you'll get an exclusively designed book plate signed by one of us. You can get that at bit.ly slash McRae Podcast Book Event for bookstore links and more info.

Also, you're great. You're great. I think you're the B's knees. Get in there. Get stuck in. No bones about it. You want some final? Yes, please.

This final Yahoo is sent in by Brett. It's from Yahoo Answers User Question Mark. So I'm going to call them. Devin asks, Which lizard can be held the most 14 boy? I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. He's been my brother.

My brother may kiss your dad. Square on the lips. Okay, that was the show. Hope you had some fun. Talked for an hour and now our job is done. Go back into the world face the day ahead. Please don't tell our grandparents all the cuss words we said. Maximumfun.org

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