My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 544: Quantum Cheez-Its

Episode Date: January 18, 2021

We realize it’s going to be a while before we’re all out and about, attending hip dinner parties with our fashionable pals. Still, it’s always good to refresh yourself on basic party etiquette, like how to provide a Cheez-It experience that won’t shatter the host’s perception of reality. Suggested talking points: Reggie Notes, Mystery Can, The Hiding Crop, Papa King, The Opposite of Bread Ways to support Black Lives Matter and find anti-racism resources: https://linktr.ee/blacklivesmatter

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Here come the McElroy's. We've got jokes and bits. We're gonna give advice and you'll find me sick. Laughter it is in store. Come inside and see. It's time to start. It's my brother, my brother and me.

Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother and me, an advice show for the modern era. This is your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle brother, big dog, woof woof, canine. Can I just say, you guys have been making a real meal out of the name introductions lately, and I feel like it's a bit like people just want to get to the nut. I can do it faster. Well, just say your name. Okay, what up dog pound? It's me, your main juice brother, woof woof, Travis, bark bark, McElroy, woof.

This is Griffin McElroy. See that took like, that was like a three quarters of a second. Well, see, Griffin, the problem is, is in the past, we've kind of let it get away from us pretty quickly. I'm trying to hold onto it at least the 3rd of January. Believe me, like I had a whole onerific there for a while. I turned into a dog, like I get it, but I think we're grown-ups now. You know, like one of us is 40. I think that we should be more responsible and serious and less funny. Thanks for listening to our podcast.

We hope you're making some effort to just keep it, keep it between the navigational beacons, as James would say. We're back on our regular recording schedule, which is hubris. You almost have to fucking time code. Right. At this current moment, right? It's Thursday. Oh, hold on, somebody's at the door. Hey, boys, it's me from the network.

Oh, no. Hi. It's me. Did I have a name? Was it Reggie Bigshot? Reggie Bigshot. Something like that. That's what we're going with.

Reggie, you haven't been here in forever. I know your boys have been doing a good job for us. You've been putting up numbers, big, big ratings. I've been loving it, but now I hear you're in a little bit of a pickle. Yeah, in need of a new theme song. And I want to hear how the search is coming along. How's it going? You guys masking here or what?

No, we have masks and we have masks on our microphones too, just in case. Yeah, so the terms don't go through the community. Some of those. And I also have Norton antivirus. Hold on, I got a masquerade. That is a Mike Myers mask. Yeah, I love it. I love Trek.

Awesome powers. You would think it would make your nose and mouth look like Mike Myers's nose and mouth, but it's just his whole head on there. Yeah. So Griffin, I heard you on the episode. My guy, Devin, he does all the listening for me. And he said that you did kind of a fakey, fake, fakey, fake goof song on there. Well, it's real.

And so far as that, I worked pretty hard on it. And is it real in the sense that you stole the music from a beloved Mark Mother's bar, still recovering from COVID? Get well soon, Mark. I don't. Did that person write the Rugrats theme song? Yes. Okay.

Yeah, I thought it was fair use. Like Rugrats is 75 years old. It's been more than seven years since Rugrats went off the air. So I don't think Classy Supo is going to come after my heiny. Well, I wanted to give Trev. Yeah. You know, you're my favorite. You're my baby.

I tell everybody. I tell them all. I tell Rogan, Corolla, all my boys. Wait, wait, wait, wait. He's my baby. Wait. This is news to us. Listen, don't get hung up on detail.

You told us Roman Mars was on this network. Is that true? He is like Roman. Okay. He's a Roman Mars of Jugs. His name is Doug. Doug Jupiter. He's the Roman Mars of Jugs.

He tells all kinds of great stories about Jugs. Most of them I've heard. But some are new to me, which is a thrill as a listener. So some are like classical, almost like a Beowulf story about Jugs. But some are new creations that he is writing himself. Yeah. He freestyles on there. And some are more historical.

Cool. I love it all though. It's kind of a tone poem. Yeah. A tone poem. It's called, it's called, it's called 99 percent. Okay. How do you spell that?

What's the other one percent then? There's four O's. Listen. Of all my boys, Travis, you know, you're my favorite. Well, okay. And I wanted to, you know, the little one gets a lot of the credit for his talent. He's the cute one. Well, I'm always like touching my cheeks and like, I'm a stinker.

Like, yeah. Right. Travis, I wanted to give you kind of a shot at it right now. Oh, kind of a shot at doing an intro song, huh? Yeah, theme song. I wanted to see what you could come up with, you know, right on the spot. What about like, this is the intro song. It is a very...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. There's no music? Well, I mean, okay. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. You don't have an instrument like near you? My mouth is God's instrument, Griffin. Man, the sound of Justin eating, even as a joke, bugs me in a major way. He's out of the room.

I want you to pick your... Griffin, do you have like an egg shaker handy or something you can give me? Yeah, sure. Sure, sure, sure. Let me start. Egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg. This is the intro song. It isn't very long.

So that was kind of like an Applebee's birthday remix. Yeah. Well, I figure if people want to get, it leaves us more time for great bits like this. Yeah. Are you open to notes that you locked in? I'm actually locked in. I already mailed it to myself in a sealed envelope so I could copy it. Smart, smart cookie.

I could still tweak the, you know, the fruity loops that I'm working with if you have any two, you know, notes on the instrumentation. Well, it's not the instrumentation so much as the legality of it, right? Yeah. Yeah. You remember when there was a period where you were kind of gingerly ripping off one of the world's most popular bands to really court in some extreme actions. Legally speaking, I don't want to get back into those waters.

Oh boy. Where'd you go for a second? Hey, what just happened there? Mike, these damn zooms. Hold on. The microphone made you turn into the movie announcer? Zoom, the Zoom, the connection. We're not using Zoom.

Damn Zoom. I got it open on another tab by kids in school. You're sharing a computer with your, your child is in school on the same computer that you're taught, you're giving us. Yeah, I'm in school, what of it? Oh boy. Reggie Jr. What?

Reggie Jr. No, his name, his name is Kathleen. He's named after his mother. Oh, a feminine junior. Hey, listen. Yeah. Travis's was bad and you know I love them. You know I love them.

He's your favorite. He's your angel. Griffin, you want to try again or are you just going to stick with your original kind of deal? Can I try another one? Yeah, I love that. Much better. Yeah.

Can you change your mind? Okay. All right. You see, you got into a problem. Oh, yeah. Damn it. There it is. Yeah.

They are just the macaroys. They are just the macaroys. Sorry, I can't even identify what you're. Macaroys, brothers answering questions. They're the world's most fearsome brother team. Okay, now I see what's going on here. All right. That's not going to work either.

Griffin's too cool and Travis does machines. You give it up. Justin's cool but rude. So they're all cool. I get that. Everyone's cool. And Clint McRoy is the party, dude. Hey, MB, MB, MB, AM, MB, AM.

We have to add an MB for it to work, by the way. MB, MB, MB, AM, MB, MB, AM, MB, AM, MB, AM. Yeah, we get it. It is time for Travis at Justin Griffin. Okay. You put yourself up front, which I love that to kill. My song. See it.

Okay. Listen, I'm sorry to derail you boys. I know you're doing. I just made that up off the top of my head. I'm not doing a show, but you keep working on it. All right. I'll keep checking in on you. Cool.

I love you, Reggie. I don't. I think you suck shit, dude. Hey, he's gone. Do you think I suck shit? No. I think that about Reggie. Let's do a question.

Okay. I recently discovered a can that had its label removed. None of my roommates remember its contents and none of us could tell from its shape or size. How do I deal with this situation? Do I open the can and risk having to dispose of its contents? Should I just try to forget about it? That's from Can Canundrum in Canada.

Oh, I'll get it fixed for this. Open it and eat. What the fuck's inside? But Griffin, what if it's like you open it and it's like a cream of mushroom soup? And you're like, I don't want cream of mushroom soup right now. If I were to just kind of like draw this, the Punnett square of options you have, don't open the can and don't eat it. That is one and that's the path you're currently following and it is the most boring path.

And then you have opening the can and not eating it, which is a fucking waste. And then you have open the can and eat it, which is what a hero would do. And then you have don't open the can and eat it, which is out there. That's what a billy goat would do. That's what a billy goat would do, a cool billy goat. Let me offer an option. Yeah. Well, this is tough now because people shouldn't be visiting you.

But when people come to visit, you could offer it like a surprise prize in a game show, right? Cool. Okay. I could give you a slice of pizza or I could give you what's in the mystery can. It could be anything in there. I'll take the pizza. Is there enough for everybody? Because I will take the pizza.

If someone does that to you at their house, you come and they say, here is a can and you can open it and maybe you'll eat what's inside. You know, you don't have to if you don't want to though. What is in that exact scenario the best thing that you can find that can? And don't say like a million dollars or signed picture, Harrison Ford. Chef Boyard, many raviolis. That's what you're going with? Yeah.

There's a correct answer to this, by the way, and that was not it. Justin. Oh, enchilada sauce. You would want sauce. Straight enchilada sauce. I mean, it's not like I want to put a spoon in there or a straw and go to town. That's what I'm talking about. You're going to put a spoon or straw in there and go to town.

Do I get to cook it? You can heat it up if you want, but you've got to eat it from the can. Do they make canned gnocchi? Probably. They make canned gnocchi? I could go a fray gnocchi. I would not say no to gnocchi. Isn't it interesting how the word gnocchi, you're making one letter silent and kind of

adding an extra letter in there too? Yeah. You don't say the G and also add a Y. You know, Thor's brother gnocchi? Oh, fuck yeah, man. I'm Loki for gnocchi. Yeah, there we go. I love that.

Okie dokie gnocchi. Um, is it pineapple rings? I love that shit. Oh. Do you empty that out onto a plate or whatever and it's still in its native canned shape? That rules, man. Back in April, way, way back in April. I cannot imagine what's going to come out of your mouth now.

I was going to make me a pineapple outside down cake. Yeah. And three, a different grocery store as I went to, sold out. This is when people were clearing shelves of shit. Right. Sold out of both the rings and crushed pineapple. Fuck. And that to me is such a, like, not everything was gone.

There was plenty of stuff left, but somebody, and I think to this day, I think it's one person who was like, well, you know what I need. And maybe it was Griffin. It started to sound like maybe it was Griffin, just going around my neighborhood supermarkets buying all of the canned pineapple rings and crushed pineapple. I wouldn't buy a crushed pineapple. I want the rings. I don't want to keep its beautiful shape.

I see. That was a fun game. Do you want any on who? I like that. Can I wait? Can I suggest one of their options for this? Uh-huh. Can you, um, can you make a recording of yourself opening the can and then send us the audio

recording of it just so we can be there sort of virtually with you? Yeah. For the excitement of it. Yeah. Yeah. If it ain't, if it ain't, no, you know what? Just from a legal perspective, I want to go ahead and say, don't eat what's in the can. Yeah.

From us, your podcast heroes. You could make this a fun YouTube series. Like, oh, unboxing is old. Uncanning is the new shit. There's people who do that with like MREs. Have you ever seen any of those? Yeah. Yeah.

Um, hey, here's a yahoo that was sent by everyone. Thanks everyone. It's yahoo. It's anonymous. Yancey's user, which is the only thing I'm calling this from now on. It's Yancey's. It's a Yancey. This one was a Yancey.

Ask by Yancey. Who asks, how do I come clean about a crop circle? I did. Oh. Some years ago, I read a post about how to make a crop circle. So I tried it out and it worked really well. I was about to say where, but the answer is probably WikiHow, right? I've watched a video about how to make a crop circle, for sure.

I've never acted on that information. Sure you haven't. Then local news reported on it and also said the farmer lost a lot of money from it, which I hadn't thought about. I felt bad. I felt bad, but I didn't say anything because I didn't have the money and don't want to go to jail. I have the money now and would like to pay him back, but I still don't want trouble.

And I know he made a lot from people coming to the site thinking it was aliens and doing some soil and energy readings and stuff and buying t-shirts and jewelry. So maybe he even owes me money? Not that I don't know about that. I don't know about that. The whole question was about that. This person was too afraid to say, I want to come clean about this crop circle I did so I can get my portion of the revenue, of the fraud revenue.

Okay, until you got to that last bit, which is morally questionable to me at best. I do think that if you're trying to come clean and pay them back without getting in trouble, you just want to leave it in a little envelope that says like two farmer from aliens. Sorry, we landed our ship here. Here's some of your earth money. Yeah. Sorry that our ship had such a badass like tribal tattoo design on the bottom of it. Sorry we left the Punisher logo in your field.

We're just crazy about that guy up here. We love how he doesn't take shit from anyone. Sorry about the dead pool face we left in your crop circles. We've been thinking about blowing up the moon into a Punisher skull face. Do you like this? Ask your friends. Ask the government if we can do this, please. Would you guys include that?

Not the whole moon, just like part of it so that when you look at it you're definitely like, is that the Punisher logo? Badass. That's so sweet. That kicks ass. He doesn't take shit from anyone. Neither do you earth. That's why we want to give you this present.

Consider this our Statue of Liberty. Yeah. Ma'am, what if they fucking did go up in that Punisher face onto the moon, but they misunderstood and they just put like Thomas Jane up there, or John Berenthal just like looking back down on us all from the sky. That would be great for his career. Can you give me one more cinematic Punisher? Come on baby, you got this.

Was Dolph Lundren the Punisher? There it is. Yeah, nice. Yes. Thank you. Yeah, put them all up there. Fuck it. It's on different sections of the moon.

So as it turns. Yes, as the moon spins around us. Does it? And we see the different beautiful parts of the moon. This is its way. You don't know how much the farmer lost, right? It'd be very easy to leave a fat sack of cash. Or gained.

Or gained. You could just leave an envelope with a note in it that says, you owe me 500 of your earth dollars signed alien. Okay. You've said this twice now, Travis. I do not believe aliens would deliver this missive through the postal system or through an envelope or through, you know what I mean? Like there would be that we need a cube or something,

a data cube. Do you know what I mean? I don't know how we... This cube possesses bleep bloor prolions, which should be enough to reimburse you. Yeah. Your kids are going to love bleep bloor prolions. Bleep bloops a number.

Sorry. But it's also a noun. This is the thing about alien language. We can't expect it to all make sense. It's complex and beautiful. Yeah. What if you send a message to them on one day, be like, we're going to drop off the money tomorrow for what we, the aliens, owe you.

And then the next day you swing by and you just leave like eight starbursts. And the farmer's going to be like, whoa, starburst is space money. And then it turns out that it's all like a big starburst marketing scheme. Well, I think that it's time to remake E.T. And when Elliot's like, here's some racist pieces. Have E.T. eat them. And we're like, this tastes like shit. Do you have any alien candy?

Yeah. Right? Because why would you assume racist pieces would be universally like... Did you say racist pieces? Racist, racist pieces. I like racist pieces, but my man could have had a nut allergy. That's true. He should spit it out and be like, do you have any sour candy?

Playing with fire. You got any kitty cats because I just watched Alf and that shit was funny and appetizing. You can't just run up and leave some money on his doorstep because the farmer, all farmers live in areas where they can patrol their fields at all times. And they do. Here's a rule for me to you. You put it right on the tableau with the man who sleeps with a machete under his bed as a fool every night, but one, you can put this right there next to it.

You can't sneak up on a farmer. This is proven. They have long, flat stretches of land. They're on the lookout for predators such as yourself to come after livestock. You cannot sneak up on a predator. Impossible. You can't sneak up on a predator. Absolutely.

There's heat tracking technology there, but you can't sneak up on a farmer. There's a caveat there, Justin. You can't sneak up on a farmer in his home. That's why you got to get him at the general store. Okay. You got shelves around. There's like tools on the wall. He is distracted by things.

That's where you're going to get him. And also your whole shit falls apart when you think about its corn, which is the hiding place crop. Corn is corn. When you plant corn, you are giving up your ability to like really keep tabs on your shit. When you plant corn, you're saying like, I can't wait to get that good corn money, but there could be a living scarecrow.

There could be children. Children. There could be. Or just drivers who like veer off the road because they thought they saw a ghost and drive into it. That happens a lot. That happens every single minute. You watch a lot of supernatural and every other episode, someone's driving into a corn

field. They crash into corn. Now that's why I, when I become a farmer, I'm only going to do little crops. Oh, I like that. No one can hide in a bunch of... You know what I like? The idea of you put potatoes, they go under. Yeah.

You can keep the rest of it level. I would like to get all... You haven't grown shit, farmer Travis. That's me on my potato farm looking out of the window. And there's just like a little naked green man, like glowing in like a hundred feet from my house. And I'm like, I see... They're taters, dude.

I see you. He's just carefully folding tater leaves together. Yeah. That's nothing. That's nothing. That's nothing. Beep blork. Bleep blork is the number.

Okay. I know. I'm sorry, Justin. Beep blork is my son. Yeah. Okay. No, we need to go to the Money Zone. We don't have time for another question right now, but we'll come right back and do more

of all the great stuff that you've been enjoying. But first, we're going to take a brief sojourn straight on over to the Money Zone. It is I, Beep Blork. I heard you were talking about aliens. Give me, give me, give me, give me. I've actually been thinking about how I need to do more character work. Yeah. This is not character work.

This is my life. I've actually been thinking a lot about how we should be doing jokes. There's one episode after we did those very same jokes. Okay. This is not a joke. I'm the new sponsor of my brother, my brother and me. I'm not, I don't even think that this is what you sounded like last time, Beep Blork. I've had work done.

Okay. On your voice? On your voice? Yep. You don't know about alien shit. It's true. That's why it's alien. He got me actually there.

I want to tell you about Squarespace. Then go right ahead, partner. Your human show, my brother, my brother and me, is sponsored by Squarespace. You humans still use the internet. Correct. Yeah, we do. You need to evolve your shit. It's bad.

The internet is? It makes you sad and it's hard to make websites, except with Squarespace. Right. So you know about, you know we already have access to Squarespace. Like, you know that. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I'm reading the copy here, bro. Yeah, but it's embarrassing.

Like, it's not broken. Like, you know we have a way to do it well. Right. You're not bringing us this tech. But Squarespace is the next one. Get all your boobs again, man. That's what we liked last time. I got four boobs.

Yeah, stop all the time. He said it. He said it. Yeah. He said it. Yes. Okay, now you guys talk about Squarespace. I'm too bummed out.

Please, Squarespace, demand to make good and free us. You know, Squarespace, we're going to get through this one together. With Squarespace, you can showcase your work and sell products and services of all kinds and promote your physical or online business. I got a business called Embarrassing Aliens for Not Being Funny. You're embarrassed. Fuck off. So they have beautiful customizable templates created by world-class designers and everything's

optimized for mobile right out of the box if you want to put it over your baby's crib, I guess. And they have analytics to help you grow in real time and they have free and secure hosting. So you don't have to worry about, you know, the thieves getting into your website. And they also have nothing to patch or upgrade ever. They go to squarespace.com slash my brother for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use the offer code MYBROTHER to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Now in the space between ads, BleakBork, if you have- Hey, did you see the big shot? Yes, this is BleakBork. Oh shit, he's calm right now. Yes, I tried to help them out. Just like you said, they were real assholes. Real fuckers about it. I didn't know Reggie liked him.

You should cancel their show. Oh no. Yes, give Doug Jupiter more time to talk about my bazooms. He only likes Doug Jupiter because he talks about his miraculous bazooms. Yes, all four of them. Fuck. Yes. Yes.

Got a tello. Raphael. Leonardo. And got a tello. And they go after the damn Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. That was like half a callback, BleakBork. You are comedy poison. Okay, I love you too.

Bye. Hey guys, BleakBork just left. He looked really hurt. Travis, will you do this Warby Parker ad? Wait, wait, wait. Are you hurt like physically? Well, he was crying and it looked like blood, but it might just have been alien tears. Yeah, who knows?

Listen, I have perfect eyes and I shouldn't have to do this. Okay, I'll talk about it. Warby Parker is committed to providing exceptional vision care online and in stores, offering eyeglasses, sunglasses, eye exams, and contact lenses. Glasses start at $95, including prescription lenses, sunglasses, progressives, and blue light lenses are also available. I am currently wearing a pair of Warby Parker. I have at this point several pairs of Warby Parkers.

I enjoy all of them. I get compliments on them left and right. They're comfortable enough to fit my giant face. And you can do the home try on kit, which I like because not every glasses fits my giant face. So they send them to me after I take a quiz. You take the quiz. You order try home home try on kit and you get to try them on and make sure that they

fit you. Then you send them home. It's incredible. I love it very much. Everyone should try it. It has changed the way I do glasses. Not just because of the price, but because they're fashionable and stylish. It's so easy.

Everybody has to do it. Just try Warby Parker's free home try on program. Order five pairs of glasses to try on at home for free for five days. There's no obligation to buy ships free. Hey, everybody, it's me, GizJazz, the clown. I'm killing you, GizJazz. Where'd you come from, beepboard? There's no obligation to buy ships free and includes a prepaid return shipping label.

Try five pairs of glasses at home for free at warbyparker.com slash mybrother. Do you think that that was enough for GizJazz the clown to get his own Wikipedia entry? Probably. Okay. Welcome back to Fireside Chat on KMAX. With me in studio to take your calls is the dopest duo on the West Coast, Oliver Wong and Morgan Rhodes. Go ahead, caller.

Hey, I'm looking for a music podcast that's insightful and thoughtful, but like also helps me discover artists and albums that I've never heard of. Yeah, man. It sounds like you need to listen to Heat Rocks every week myself. And I'm Morgan Rhodes and my co-host here, Oliver Wong, talked to influential guests about a canonical album that has changed their lives. Guests like Moby, Open Mike Eagle, talk about albums by Prince Joni Mitchell and so much more. Yo, what's that show called again?

Heat Rocks deep dives into hot records. Every Thursday on Maximum Fun. You left us hanging there for a while. I was scared. Can I ask you guys a question? I feel like I don't, I'm honestly, leave this in the show, but do you feel like I have overextended myself? I don't want to like capitalize too much of the show.

And I know I did my stupid big shot guy bit. Well, how good is this one squad, Justin? Is it better than Reggie Big Shot bit? Look within yourself. How did you feel like Reggie Big Shot bit? Pretty good. Yeah, I thought it was okay. I just, I brought Beat Bloorkeats and you know,

Travis did that a few times. So I think you are owed. And then maybe I'll just talk for the last 15 minutes or so. Yeah, Griffin, if you want to do just like a monologue about, I don't know, whatever you want. I mean, you could do some of your audition monologues. Yeah. You have that one from Cat on a Hot 10 Roof that I love. Yeah.

The one that's like, meow, ouch. Yep, that one. Meow, ouch. Oh, my posies. No, that's your Meowth audition monologue. It's the same monologue trap. This one has an audio component. It is one minute long.

Oh, boy. And this is a Taco Bell tweet. And I'm going to fill in some of the blanks after this, but Taco Bell put out a video. It said, and now an announcement from our CEO. Here are the things you need to know about this. It is being spoken by an animated potato. Oh, boy. And now we take you live.

Do not react or the audio will be ruined. Hi, everyone. I'm Mark King, CEO of Taco Bell. And we have some big news today. As you might have guessed, it has to do with potatoes. But let's start from the beginning. Last year, we had to shift entirely to drive through, which created longer lines for our customers and way more demand on our team members. So in order to create a better experience for both you and our teams, we had to simplify our menu.

And unfortunately, removing potatoes was part of that. But it's a new year with new possibilities. And you know what? We're bringing them back. That's right. As of March 11th, potatoes are officially back at Taco Bell. Give us a minute to get them back to most restaurants, but know that we're working hard to make things right. And since you're still watching this potato speak, I'll let you in on a little secret.

This year, we're going big on our vegetarian menu. We're going above and beyond. Anyways, that's all I got. Later, taters. Right. Oh, my fuck, Justin. There's so much time. But when you do that and we're not allowed to react, do you know how torturous that hurts my body?

I know it pains you. I know it pains you. There's so very much. What stuff do you travel? What do you want to touch on first? Okay, Justin, a couple of things. One, that it's going to take them three months to get some potatoes to Taco Bells. That's not what's happening in this.

He said give us some time to get potatoes to our stores. He doesn't need the time to get the potatoes to the stores. He's saying that even at March 11th, you may not see the potatoes. What is March 11th? Okay. I'm going to walk you in on this because I literally need everyone to understand the context of this message that you just heard. Okay.

COVID-19 took potatoes out of Taco Bell, right? What this potato is saying is that hopefully with expedient vaccination rates, we will be able to expedite our processes within Taco Bell in order to reintroduce potatoes to the menu. Thank you, Dr. Fauci, for bringing back potatoes to the menu at Taco Bell. That was a direct quote from Dr. Fauci. We're doing the best we can. We're trying to get potatoes back, everybody.

I know this was rough. Also, just say beyond meat. At that point, you've already said it all. Yeah. It's not the season. No, it's a wink. He did a wink. Yes, Justin.

I picked up on that because it was the classic wink sound effect. Now, can you tell me more about this animated potato? Are we talking about pure veggie-tailed synergy, or are we talking about... Yeah. How fuckable is this potato? It's like Zoom filter. Sorry, Instagram Snapchat filter levels. Yeah.

You know what I mean? It's got weird eyes and... Okay. So just say very fuckable. He's really fuckable. I mean, there's holes that would work. So Taco Bell is bringing back potatoes. Bringing potatoes back.

Are you ready? Now, here's one question for you. Why did they feel the need to give us two months heads up? Good question. I don't know what... I was going to leave the country, but now I'll stay in the country for the... I like that even within the video, they acknowledged, like, we're surprised you're still watching this.

Like, they even said, like, well, I guess because you're still here, we should tell you something else as a reward for watching this bonkers ass thing. Our potato video. I love that it's not even a menu item. The object potato. We have brought back potatoes. It will be present in our buildings again, and we will be cooking them. You have my guarantee on that, Mr. Mark King.

We need some time to get potatoes back into the stores. Hey, bud, I can't think of a Taco Bell on the earth. You can't spit on a Walmart from the parking lot. I am pretty sure that they could just go get some potatoes. Just go get some and make the stuff. Okay. Here's the press release. The brand is kicking the year off with the return of potatoes

and exploring a new plant-based protein with Beyond Meat. Potatoes. There it is. They're making potato people. The press have been answered after a brief hiatus from menus due to Taco Bell's menu simplification efforts last year. Cheesy fiesta potatoes and the spicy potato soft taco will be back starting March 11th. Taco Bell is also teaming up with Beyond Meat to create an innovative new plant-based protein

that will be tested in the next year. Taco Bell chose to team up with Beyond Meat as a category leader. The return of our beloved potatoes is just the first step in showing our fans. Oh, you love potatoes so much, huh, Mark? Huh, Mark? Well, it seems like you turned your back on us. This is Matthews Taco Bell's global chief food innovation officer. Dummy.

You couldn't tell that just from the word choice. Come on. This is classic Liz. The return of our beloved potatoes is just the first step in showing our fans a strong continued commitment to vegetarian we're making this year. Says Liz Matthews. Taco Bell's global chief food innovation officer. Hey, Liz.

We are to talk about your commitment to that when you were like, well, let's just not do it for the rest of 2020. Travis, it was COVID. We have long been a leader in the vegetarian space, but this year we'll have more meatless options in the story of the vegetarians. Veggie curious. Oh, meat eater so loud. Tell me more about this vegetarian.

Oh, I've heard about these vegetables. You say this is a pepper is like, it's like a crispy green chicken. I love it. I love it. Did you call it cabbage? It's like, it's kind of like when I slice up frozen beef really thin. Can I have the asparagus? Two of them.

I've been curious about. Two of them. I believe it's pronounced tamades. Tamades, is that correct? Just tamades. Can I have the asparagus in the traditional style, I guess? Excuse me. My hamburger is not done.

What's that? This is coleslaw. Okay. There's egg on my face. Do you have eggs, by the way? Okay. Hey, what's this green shit? Vegetarian isn't just a tram for Taco Bell.

Yeah, except for that one time that you fucking blanked in the face of pandemic and got rid of potatoes. You were barely doing it already with potatoes. The brand has had meatless menu items like the bean burrito for many years. Fuck off. McDonald's has French fries. What are you doing? And it was the first quick service restaurant chain to partner with the American Vegetarian Association

and currently has over 30 vegetarian ingredients on the US menu. That's a weird way. There's a lot of vegetarian ingredients and non-vegetarian meals. What if Mr. King only wants to be the potato man from now on? What if he stops doing public facing? You're saying we get like, well, quarterly profits are down far much worse than we thought and we're going to have to lay off a lot of, oh no, I'm always the potato now. That's interesting because I would have said and wondered if perhaps he has always been the potato

and this is the first time it was appropriate for him to show his face. Because Justin, you've never brought to us a video clip from Mr. King before. Is that correct? Well, he did take over. I'm looking at his LinkedIn page, which is wild. And he was at Adidas until August 2019. So he joined Taco Bell and he got the taste of the potatoes and then COVID took them fucking away.

He joined and they were like, listen, Mark, this is going to be the Christian's gig ever. We just opened up the potato vault and people are losing their fucking minds over here. And as soon as he pulls into the parking lot, they're like, bad news, Mark, we had a shit can of potatoes. Also, you got to wear masks now if you can believe that. He's been sitting on this character. Oh yeah, potato marking. I think a potato in Spanish could be papa. So we could just call him Papa King.

Papa King is here. Papa King is here to save the day. He's the new beloved Mr. Peanut. Eat of me, children. Eat of me, children. I'm the Papa King. So you can that's happening in March. I guess put it on your calendars right now.

I do appreciate how everybody, I mean, literally this potato vid was out there for 30 seconds before people are like, alert, alert, alert. If you go to this tweet, the first like 10 responses are like, Justin, look quick. Okay. Can I do a Yahoo, please? Yes, please. Okay. Here's one that was sent in by also several people. Thank you.

It's from Yahoo Answers user Bush who asks, Is there a way to revive stale cheez-its? I need to fix them to bring to a dinner party tonight. Update. No bad taste or nothing. Just soft like white bread from the stale-ness. Soft like white bread from the stale-ness feels like a Macklemore lyric to me. Yeah.

Yeah. I need to fix the, fix, fix in the sense of not to like fix you up some food, but to repair these old cheez-its really does it for me. Really, really does it for me. Got to fix the cheez-its. Can I fix or revive these here stale cheez-its? Well, you can start with a pep talk. Interesting. Trem.

Inspire the cheez-its. Listen, might not do nothing, but it also won't hurt. You know what I mean? I would say what you don't want to do is start with something that might potentially ruin the cheez-its more. Yeah. I think you want to work up to that, right? Yeah. Like there's probably a lot of jokesters in the audience who like to talk back to our show.

Like they're a fourth member of the show who are like dipping in water. But that's going to make it, that's going to get it really like a sloppy mushy mess. I think my first step would be pep talk. And then my second step would be like 200 degrees Fahrenheit in the oven for 10 minutes. Oh, so you would just take them into full blown like you're making cheez-it brittle at that point. Well, I would lay them out a single layer as close together as I can. I'm trying to get, I mean, they're squares. Yeah.

Shouldn't be. This is how you make, this is like cheez-it biscotti. Yes, exactly. Okay. That probably wouldn't work either. You could make a cheez-it casserole, I'm thinking now. I mean, you could do, I mean, yeah. Crumbling up the cheez-its and using it as a coating for some, I don't know, tilapia.

Oh, okay. I was thinking more of like using them like one might use lasagna noodles. Oh, no. You, okay. Well, that's, that's, that's malarkey trap. You can't just do that. You don't think like layering. So it would be like sauce, cheese, cheez-it, sauce, cheese, cheez-it.

No, it can be like a hat on a green bean casserole, but it can't be, it can't be load bearing cheez-its. Jesus Christ. I've seen on some life hack videos that if you put a piece of bread in with your cookies, it'll keep them soft and I'm just not realizing we're trying to do the opposite of that. Yeah, we'd have to do the opposite. So what's the opposite of bread? What's the opposite of bread? Milk?

Milk? Is milk the opposite of bread? Is milk the opposite of bread? People don't talk about the opposites of things that don't have opposites enough because what is the opposite of bread? Orange? Okay, so it can't be milk because milk is like consumable. Okay.

Bread is consumable. They're both white. Bread is flat and square. Orange is round and 3D. Consumable by his baseball then. Sponge. Sponge. Sponge.

Sponge same shape. Baseball. Oh, you want the opposite? Well then. The opposite of bread? The opposite of bread is creation. The opposite of bread isn't milk. It's creation.

Right. So bread is, I'm just going to start listing things that bread is. Okay. Okay. This is a three-part process. Okay. I'm going to list the things that bread is. Travis, you're going to tell me the opposite of that thing.

Okay. Griffin, you're going to keep track of the different descriptors that we have. Yon? That was a pre-Yon for how boring this is going to be. Right. Well, you know what then? I'm not doing it now. So sorry, listeners.

We were trying to have some fun and do science at the same time. Let your kids learn something. Like what the opposite of bread is? Yeah. You tell me what's the opposite of bread because you have struck out so many times. The sun. Yeah. Hot.

Oh, you want it to be. Bread can be cold. What? Bread can be cold. I will say bread has to be colder instead. That's true. Yeah. Cold?

Different shape. This is a sliding door. We're getting a glimpse into the alternate reality where Justin did get to do his what's the opposite of bread game. And it's got me fucking busting up and my sides are splitting. I think it's the sun. I think it's the sun. So just put the sun in with your cheeses.

Color-wise, I don't agree with you. What kind of dinner party can you bring secondhand cheeses to? I think, Riven, at this point, if you're going to a dinner party in January of 2021, anything, like at this point, we don't remember what dinner party is. Right. That would be a good if you could unload them in like a snack mix that you bring to the first party you attend once everybody's vaccinated. That would be great because it's like, who even cares?

These are, OK, I do it. These are actually very chewy. I am not loving it. OK, now I'm thinking about it. I can't think of a thing that is more likely to get grubby hands all over it. Then a bunch of hands. She's it. Yeah.

If you put it out, though, in a party setting, you are like, OK, if I eat something at a party and it's like stale or cold or too chewy, I just assume like, this has been out a little long. I should have hit this up early. You know what I mean? Like, I don't know. They're crispy when I put them in the bowl. What's wrong with your bowl?

Oh, so you're saying you can sort of launder the cheez-its. Hey, did you give me a wet bowl? Exactly. You launder the cheez-its. You put one sandwich bag full of cheez-its in everybody's pockets after they leave their coats on the bed. This bowl has some kind of time weirdness. It made my cheez-its get old.

I think we could all agree. Is this one of those weird time bowls? Best case scenario, someone else brings a box of cheez-its and after they've dumped theirs in a bowl, you dump yours in a bowl and you kind of mix them together. So at that point, we were like, I think something's wrong with these cheez-its, but I also think something's not wrong with these cheez-its. I think something is wrong with some of these quantum cheez-its because some are good, some are bad.

Hey, is it possible for half of a box of cheez-its to go stale while the other half stays pre-mau? Is that any? What? Is that anything? You dump these and you tell me I'm being silly, Derek. I don't want to have this fight again. Would the moisture redistribute make all of the cheez-its kind of stale? Would that work that way?

Maybe they... Oh, they didn't turn their box. You gotta turn your box. You gotta rotate the box halfway through the house. Something's wrong with my cheez-its. How long did you leave them in the sun for? Well, I didn't. Well, you got it.

I mean, you gotta sun dry your cheez-its. Hey, guys. Yeah? I would fucking ruin some cheez-its right now. Oh, my God, I'm so angry for cheez-its. I didn't think about white cheddar cheez-its for the past like three minutes, and I actually have noticed that I am shaking. I am like my body is noticeably shaking.

Folks, that is our cue. You know what? I would call it quivering. That is how badly I want these white cheddar cheez-its. That is our cue to stop doing podcasts and to release you back into the wild. We have tagged you. Now we're opening the door and you may once again roam free with the rest of your kind. Thank you so much for joining us.

We very much appreciate you. Hey, if I could ask you, we are writing a podcast book. It's called Everybody Has a Podcast Except You. You can find it bit.ly forward slash what? Macquarie Podcast Book? Yeah, that's right. If you would go pre-order that, it would really help us out. And you could get it.

There's lots of different places you can get it. I recommend, if I may, Justin, bit.ly slash Macquarie Podcast Book Event. You can find links to six independent bookstores and event info for our free virtual event that is happening next week on January 26th at 9 p.m. It is completely free. The event is. And if you pre-order from one of those independent bookstores, you get a signed copy from one of us to get a book plate that's signed by one of us

that you can put in your book. It's pretty cool. Cool. We got a new pen of the month. It's a Cerberus pen of the month. And it's got, it's a doggy with all of our faces on it. A reference to maybe our deepest cut reference of a live episode of the Adventure Zone Amnesty, which is a very good episode if you haven't heard it.

But also, all the proceeds are going to benefit NARAL, which fights for access to abortion care, birth control, paid parental leaves, and protections from pregnancy discrimination. That pen designed by Zachary Sterling. Yes. Thank you, Zach. It's Templar II sticker designed by Tyler Reed up there and a bunch of other stuff. McRaeMerch.com

And also pre-order the next Taz book, Crystal Kingdom. Go to theadventuresomecomic.com. Comes out July 13th, 2021. But don't wait. Get on it now. Also, and this is just a personal one for me. Go check out The Besties. It's available on like every podcast.

We don't make money on it anymore. So we don't actually have to. Yes, I don't care if you don't. No, but I want you to. But it isn't exclusive to Spotify anymore. I want everyone to check it out because I love it very much. We're actually also this latest episode. We talk about Cyberpunk with Ron Funches, and it's a fucking banger.

Oh, man, really? Yeah, it is a good episode. Oh, boy, I'm excited about that. Thanks for Maximum Fun for having us on the network. Go to maximumfund.org. Check out all the great shows there. Tune in, drop out. You know, baby, do you want a final yahoo?

Yeah. At least it's finally yahoo. It was sent in by Graham Robach. Thank you, Graham. It's yahoo answers user. They're anonymous. So I'm going to call them also. Papa King asks,

What can the dancer, if he spend too fast, create the tornado? My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. It's been my brother, my brother, me, kiss your dad, school, wear on the lips. Okay, that was the show. Hope you had some fun. Talked for an hour, and now our job is done.

Go back into the world face the day ahead. Please don't tell our grandparents all the cuss words we said.