My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 545: Blood is Thicker than the Bun

Episode Date: January 25, 2021

Even for us, this episode contains a lot of fast food discussion. Who’s got the good salad? What’s the casualty count in the chicken sandwich wars? Most importantly: How does one turn an abandoned Taco Bell into a loving home? Suggested talking points: Professor Cabbage, Escape Room Conduit, Think Inside the Blood, Wendy’s Widow, The President of Boston, Clean Scrabble Ways to support Black Lives Matter and find anti-racism resources: https://linktr.ee/blacklivesmatter

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Here come the McElroy's. We've got jokes and bits. We're gonna give advice and do funny sticks. Laughter it is in store. Come inside and see. It's time to start. It's my brother, my brother and me.

Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother and me. And if I show the modern era, I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. Hello my children. It is I, the ascended Travis McElroy. It's just the name. Griffin is here. Hello. I'm so glad that you, my brothers, could meet with me here. Oh shit. You're here with me in the ascended plane. It's the keto juice. I told you once he gets on that keto, he's gonna be different.

I have eaten 21 days of salad in a row. Oh wait, it really is dietary, but your ascension really is based in this. Yes, Griffin. I've had three weeks of salad straight. And it seems that that was all it took. Okay, let me just, let me just crack into your blockchain real quick. Hold on. Okay, let me just look at the cookie points. Oh my God. Yes, Griffin.

Are you kidding me? I traded my cookie points in for one, a dune buggy. And two, the ability to communicate telepathically. Yeah, so that's actually on here. There's a website where you can, you trade them in. It's kind of like jump rope for heart and you did enough cookie points. I guess you got a dune buggy. Damn, that's like aspirational. Nobody actually gets the dune buggy.

I'm right now, Griffin, coming to you. I'm tooling around in the dunes. But I'm getting your fucking mind, your brainwaves. That is correct. That's sick, dude. Yes, and I had enough left over to get this paddle ball. Okay. Hey, be straight with me now, though, psychic dune Travis. Yeah?

How yucky was it to eat all of those salads? Here's the problem with salads, sometimes you get a leafy bite. There's no wet and there's no crumble and there's no beef. And those are the three, one of the three always has to be in there in order for me to have a good chewing experience. Listen, yes. Sometimes there was a leaf that snuck in betwixt my chompers. But then those go straight to my brain.

The crumble bits and the beef bits and the wet bits, they go to tummy town. Yeah. And the green bits, well, they go up to brainberg. And in brainberg, they get turned into the ability to levitate objects. Oh, you can do that too. Yes, I can, Griffin. Look down. You're not touching your chair anymore.

No, you're right. I've been floating. I just didn't know that that was you. I'm levitating your butt. Yeah, no, it feels weird. I can actually, you know, it's weird. You're levitating me, but I feel too like big hands. And Griffin, I want you to know that was optional.

It didn't have to feel like two hands, but I made it that way. Traff, I know how many salads you've started. How many have you finished? I finished every one, Justin. No, no, no, no, no. That's never happened. No one's ever gotten a salad. Oh, let me, let me explain.

I didn't complete them. I was finished. Well, that's stupid. Now you're getting into semantics. I'm saying everybody's. Justin, eating so many salads has given me the power of semantics. No, it hasn't. Everybody gets to a point in any salad ever where they're like,

I'm done. I, this is it. I'm done. I, I would like to play in your salad game too, please. You got it. Please let me play with your salad game too. Here's my trick, Justin. And I recommend this to everybody.

It just keeps going. Yes. God damn it, Travis. It's the power I have. It's the salad juice. He's in control. We need to just. Ew, salad juice.

Grotes everywhere. Justin, you must. He's leaking it. You must build your salad in a glass bowl so that when you finish, you can lift it up, see through it, and say, I have the clarity of salad now. See, that was nothing. Yes, it was.

Yeah. It was actually something on this plane. All right. Oh my God. He's got me jealous. I'm going to go open up my mini fridge. I have my office and eat the salad I've got here. Brrr.

Wait a minute. It's gone. Yeah. There's just a calling card here. That's right. That says, it says, now it's mine, and it's from Professor Cabbage. Is that what you call yourself now?

Oh, wait. Hold on. Professor Cabbage. Griffin, you have to get out of the house right now. Wait. You're not safe. You're not Professor Cabbage? No, Griffin.

He is a salad eater slash serial killer. Okay. I'll get out of. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My arched innocence. Oh, boy. I have thrown a bottle of bacon bits at your brother so hard that he died.

Luckily, so much salad has given me the ability to resurrect Griffin. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, thanks Travis. You really got. You should have killed me first. Okay. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay.

I recognize my mistake now. I'm going to try to kill you. I'm going to kill you first. Yes. Yes. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I want to change the name of the Big Bam here in 2021.

The subtitle is no longer in a five show for the margin era. Now it's the Big Bam characters welcome. This year, characters have been welcomed lovingly. And we're not a big character show, but we've been lovingly welcoming characters in. Boys, I'm wild about it, I'm wild about it, I love it. Professor Cabbage has got legs. He does rabbit legs. No, it's rabbit legs, actually, he's a huge rabbit.

No, Travis, he's a man with two long, big, sexy legs. Oh, I'm thinking of a different Professor Cabbage. Don't tell me what my fucking Professor Cabbage HC is. I can be whatever I want, he's an audio character. This is fair. Glad, glad for you, Trav. Glad for your salads, bud. Hey, listen, folks, this is still an advice show,

and we are so happy to be here with you. It is, it is. We're so happy to be here with you, and we're so grateful that you've welcomed us back into your incredible lives. We love you, and we're ready to help. We're here to help, and I think maybe with all the characters, we maybe lost sight of that a little bit,

and I am so sorry about that. That's true, listen, we should say at the top of the show some exciting developments. Vis-a-vis the theme song is we've been terribly sued by Klassiki Supo, and this is our final episode, because they said that it's not funny anymore, and that they worked very hard on the Rugrats song, and that I actually am now in jail,

and I'll have to go there, because then Klassiki Supo's gonna drive me there. People keep saying it's similar to Rugrats. I don't hear it. I don't hear it. If anything, it's A. Arnold. I was also gonna say A. Arnold. Was that A. Arnold?

I forget, but we are working, we are partnering? Partnering makes it sound like we're doing any work at all. No, no, no, we are relying fully upon- We are relying fully on a very talented artist who is working on a song for us that is very good. We're very excited about it, and we'll have more news about that.

She sent us a demo recently, and it's gonna be very good. It's gonna blow your asses right off. Well, now you're getting a little crazy, Trav. Okay, it's gonna put your asses back on. No, the asses will be intact. Your asses will be like a joy song. Music doesn't do anything to your butt. Music doesn't do anything to your butt.

It depends on how loud you play it. That is an issue. I just got an email today. Yeah, go. I just got an email that today, my work is having a virtual team- Wow, you got me! Justin, you got me!

Finally, to boost morale while we're all working remote, the event is a virtual escape room over Zoom, not a video game. They are having us attempt a real escape room. The worst part is it'll be done by shouting instructions at a stranger in California who has a phone strapped to his head. Oh boy.

How do I get through this unbearably awkward meeting while still showing my manager I'm a team player? That's from sequestered in Seattle. They legally can't make you go to an online meeting if you have diarrhea so bad you can't get off the toilet. And this may be one of those times where you just got to rip the rip the rip cord off. Are you sure Griffin?

Because I think it would be easier to go to an online meeting if you had diarrhea so bad you couldn't get off the toilet. It's not proper. It's not proper. It's improper. And so, I mean, I hate to be that guy, but if you can get you some diarrhea then they can't make you do it.

And this is so bad. Griffin, do you need real? This is so bad. Do you need real diarrhea there or you can't just like say you have diarrhea? I mean, for me, Trav, you know it's not an issue because I can more or less at will change my stuff in there. How'd you want to?

This sucks, dude. Wow, that's rough. So they want it, everybody in your meeting is going to be talking to a real person who's explaining. What? You know, I once worked in haunted houses for very rich kids' birthday parties amazingly

or Halloween parties in LA for one October. I remember when you accidentally murdered Jonathan Lipnicki. Yeah. Do you remember that? And then you had to find a kid who looked like him to go out and play him and you swore you'd never tell. Of course I remember that, Griffin. I did one time scare Jenna Hill very,

very solidly scared to Jenna Hill. Oh, that's nice. But I thought that that was maybe the most demeaning job that perhaps an adult person could do for a short period of time for like a very specialized, like I don't think this is a job, but I'll do it. I think having a phone strapped to your head while you are the homunculus

for a bunch of people trying to do an escape, you're one person alone in an escape room while a legion of voices yell at you could break a human being in 15 minutes. It's not that we love an escape room, Jesus. Oh yeah. We're all about that life. It's just the idea of your workplace

being the, this person being the conduit for all the sort of disparate voices in your workplace scenario. It doesn't sound great. So how do you get through it, I guess? Yeah, I guess maybe like most, being the most supportive. That's something that every puzzle room needs, but it's rarely done, like just sort of like a hype,

like you've got this or like- Good one. If you bleep, maybe it's magnets. If you say maybe it's magnets every few minutes, you're eventually gonna hit on something. Oh yeah, just say, I bet that does something. Anytime anybody like, if they pick, oh, I bet that does something.

That looks like a pattern to me. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And if anybody says that looks like a pattern to me or I bet that does something or I bet it's magnets, you just go, yeah, no, that's what I was gonna say. Maybe you're this person who's like roping people back in, like people who've like kind of checked out. You're the one who's like every few minutes,

you're like, what do you think, Carol? Hey, hey, Dougie, where are you at on this right now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where are you at on this? Fuck, get aggressive. Garrett hasn't said anything in a while, huh? Garrett's being suspiciously quiet. Maybe he's in. Are you part of it?

Are you part of the escape room, Derek? Hey, Derek. I know you've worked, you've worked with the company for seven years, but have you been a plant this whole time? You moonlighting, Derek? Huh? You thief. God, I feel like there's the inverse solution to this,

which may be better, which is that you get fucking down and dirty, hog wild as hard as you can solving this fucking puzzle room with the hopes that you can just get through it the fastest. Yeah. And if anybody else is like, I don't know, we can check the, we're not checking the tree. All right, the tree had nothing in it.

You, you're done, mute yourself. I once did an escape room with our then one-year-old in the room with us. And that, you wanna talk about a fucking real life escape room. It's right here, it brings in pulse-bounding thrills. Do it like that, a little time bomb in there, diapered time bomb. There's no changing tables in fucking Sherlock Holmes's

people rip them down and they'd be like, Sherlock Holmes didn't have a baby. This is a clue. And I just wanna say, nobody actually knows that for sure. Sherlock Holmes might've had a baby. Oh. Yeah, I've been writing- And his name was Travis Patrick McElroy.

Thank you very much. Son of Sherlock Holmes. Son of Sherlock Holmes. Well, see, I froze Sherlock Holmes in a cryogenic chamber and then he woke up in 1990 San Francisco to solve crimes and he's my dad. Yeah. And you had to teach him a lot about how-

I did, he didn't know about how phones work. What an idiot. The first time this dude had a slurpee. Yeah, blew his mind. Blew his fucking gourd. So I was thinking the other day, guys, I was thinking about under the table and fishing. Oh my God.

And can we talk about the biggest problem with under the table and fishing? Is that- I'm glad we're doing these sort of- Postmortems. Yeah, well, production. Really, we're talking about production conversations on the dime of the listener.

Well, here's the problem. Here's the problem with under the table and fishing. There's a problem with it? Yeah, it's often so obvious which one's Dave Matthews because it's so fucking horny. Right. And then it hit me and now allow me to present to you under the table and fishing presents,

your body is a satellite. Is it Dave Matthews or John Mayer? Fuck. Ooh, that's something, huh? That's something. That's something. Here's the thing, I know for his songs. Yeah.

So- It's me, Dave Matthews. What's it? No, no, do John Mayer. Yeah, be John Mayer. My body is one land. No, he doesn't just walk around singing these fucking songs. You may as well, babe.

It's me, John Mayer. There he is. Thank you for playing the game with me and my friend, Dave Matthews Man. I'm the Dave Matthews Man from the Dave Matthews Man doing my court-appointed community service. Kind of turning to Tim Curry there. There's a lot of people in the studio

and we only brought so many chips. Okay, now for this- I'm here too. It's me, James Blunt. You're beautiful. Get out of here, James Blunt. There's not room. You'll never guess which song is mine.

I'll start. You're beautiful. All right, James. James, you didn't make the cut. We talked about this. My life is brilliant. No, hey, you can grab something off of the table to eat and we have some t-shirts on your way out

if you want one of those. Hello, hello, hello, it's me and Sharon. Oh, boy. Hello, hello. Look at me, look at me, catch up. Oh, man, Ed Sheeran and James Blunt are making out. Hello, hello, I love to kiss him. You're beautiful, Ed Sheeran.

I thought I looked to film one mouthful of ketchup and do a kiss. Oh, man, it's really romantic, actually. A lot of fucking characters, though. Let's do this game. Okay, round one. Now, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give you one set of lyrics from both

and I want you guys to tell me which one's which. All right? This is like a head to head. You ready? Yeah. Option one. The power of your kiss, your words, your lips, your flesh, your bones, exactly what you need.

Option two. Am I the one who plays the quiet songs? Is he the one who turns the ladies on? Will I keep shining till my light is gone? Who did you think I was? Oh, so you're complicating things even more. We have to pair them. One is Dave, one is Mayor.

Number one is Dave, number two is Mayor. Dave is Mayor, yes. Correct, yes. Round two. I will beg my way into your garden. I like that we don't pause to make any jokes or observations about the quiz show. This is a straight up and down real test.

Okay. I will beg my way into your garden. I will break my way out when it rains, just to get back to the place where I started. That's John Mayor. So I can want you back all over again. This one's John Mayor, because I've heard this song before

and the other one is Dave Matthews, man. Damn it! Let me drink you please. I won't spill a drop, I promise you. Lying under this spell, you cast on me each movement the more I love you. Now this one is where it's gonna get tough. Well, that was Dave.

You were right. Yeah. This one's where it's gonna get tough. Okay. Don't hold your love over my head. Don't hold your love over my head, yeah. Don't hold your love over my head. Don't hold your love over my head.

Come on, come back to bed. And then- That's John Mayor's come back to bed. This isn't that hard, actually. Why do you know- There's always a lot of- He's always in bed and he just wants you to come back to bed.

How do you know so many fucking John Mayor songs, Griffin? It's a vibe, isn't it? He's a major fucking recording artist and I liked to make out in the early aughts. So- So- I was feeling, okay. Just listen to this actual factual Dave Matthews lyric

that Dave Matthews man wrote and said, this is a fine thing to project out into the world that I, Dave Matthews, thought of with my brain. I was feeling like a creep as I watched you asleep. Faced down in the grass, in the park, in the middle of hot afternoon, your top was untied and I thought how nice it'd be to follow the sweat down your spine.

And then I killed you. And then I killed- The reason you were faced down is I'd stabbed you 10 minutes prior. It's because I'm the Zodiac killer Dave Matthews man. Me and old Ted Cruz did a two-hander on Zodiac. That was us. Okay, final round.

All right. All right. Option one, you can't get too much love. Don't you feel it in your belly, go get some. Go get you some, excuse me. You can't get too much love. The time is right for loving, so come on, come on. Option two, had a little love, but I spread it thin.

Falling in her arms and out again, made a bad name for my game around town, tore up my heart and shut it down. Dave and Mayor, Dave first, Mayor second. Same. Correct. Damn, I thought that'd be harder Griffin, I didn't expect you to be such a mayo.

Yeah, I mean, I don't really know his new shit. I used to be so tender. Griffin, what happened? Yeah, we're gonna go wrong. 9-11, do you guys want a yahoo? A lot of people think this one in. It's from yahoo answers user Amelia who asks, can you live in a restaurant but not sell food?

I was wondering if you can buy a restaurant, for example, a Taco Bell. If the Taco Bell shut down for any reason, could I buy the property and turn it into a house? Just like your average living space, keep the logos and signs up that advertise it as a Taco Bell, but it won't actually sell food and I technically won't be a Taco Bell anymore.

Why wouldn't you do that though? Funny, but I also, I think that they wouldn't want you to keep up the logos and signs. You might be able to get away with it for a while. I don't think they're gonna send Papa King to your house to like, and by your house, I mean the former Taco Bell building, they're not gonna send them in to tear your shit down

or anything, but they aren't gonna like it. They aren't gonna like that. Yeah, but you're just opening yourself up to people coming in your house, unbidden and being like, hey, can I get, and you're like, oh, it's not actually, I don't serve food. And they're like, then why do you have all the signage and everything you left the light on for me?

Why wouldn't I? Now, here's what's a way more interesting thing. Yeah. There are some McDonald's that are open 24-7. Can I live in that McDonald's? What are you, why? You know, like in the movie Terminal, where like he just lives in the Terminal.

Correct. Maybe I'm just like, live in a McDonald's. So you're saying because it's open 24-7, then you could live in it as opposed to a normal, like a regular business hours McDonald's. This point doesn't make much sense, Trav. That's fair. But could you buy that McDonald's

after it goes under and live in McDonald's? I don't think I'd want it. This is my house McDonald's. I'd want a buffet. If I was going to do this, I'd want to get a restaurant that had a buffet in it. Right, cause that's just fun. You have friends over, it's already halfway done.

True yourself. But okay, wait, wait, wait. I need you to understand something. If a Taco Bell goes under and I move in, I buy the building and I move in and I refuse to take down the Taco Bell signage. The beef that's in there is one day going to rot. I don't think they took the beef.

Okay, but you're suggesting I want a buffet so when friends come over, we can have a buffet. You realize you're gonna have to- No, I don't mean the food is there. I mean all the equipment, Griffin. So you just want to have fun with buffet equipment. I'm saying that the locations are there. I can make big things of say spaghetti or salad

or yogurt or whatever and just dump them in. I could do that in my house. I could do that in my house. Yeah, but you have to put it on a table, Griffin. When you shop around for houses, do you look and pay attention to, well, here's a cold hole that I can put putting in. This is why I'll buy this one.

Yeah, that doesn't mean you don't see the pudding. You don't see the pudding hole at the phase much anymore. I don't think my kids have ever seen a pudding hole in a buffet. Especially not in the, oh, in the current days? Oh, God. That was the closed down our golden corral here in Huntington, guys, I don't know if you knew.

If golden corral can't make it to Huntington, I don't know what to tell them. Although I guess this unpleasant time, this challenging year was a rough on buffet restaurants, I think. I think I would rather, and I know this wasn't the question, but that's never stopped me before,

I think I'd rather live on a putt-putt course than I would. That really has nothing to do with what we're doing. No, I mean, I just, a restaurant feels so restrictive. Right. I think with the putt-putt course, you can have like, I live in the windmill and this water trap is my pool. I just feel like it's more flexible

as far as the things you could do with it and more fun over time. Because after a while, I think living in a Taco Bell, it would wear off pretty quickly where then you're just in a Taco Bell and you're like, well, there's no rooms and no real place for a bed. Just right.

Okay. I think with a putt-putt course, there's a lot more options as far as like designing it goes. There's a lot more options as far as dying of exposure. Because it's an outdoor video you've chosen. So insane what you just said, Travis. It's maybe that, can I say, you've got a checkered pass and I think we would all be lying to ourselves.

It may be the toughest thing you've ever said on the job. It's so wild to say, to go into a Taco Bell building and be like, no room for a bed in this one. It's got two bathrooms in it, the Taco Bell does already. And a break room and a kitchen and a living space. We almost go last time, you guys went putt-putting. There's almost always a cave you walk through or some shit. There's always at least one interior part

of the putt-putt course. There's like a little waterfall. That's cool. It's so exposed to the elements, you monster. Fuck, man, you guys are being so close-minded right now. You're telling me you would rather live in an old stinky Taco Bell than in a fresh air. That's what you just said is fucking hateful, first of all.

You don't think that the fucking smell of beef is so baked in. Pleasant and good, yeah. No, for sure, dude, for sure, for sure. Maybe pleasant for like 10 minutes when you're in the Taco Bell, but if it was all the time, I'm telling you right now, hey, any Taco Bell employee listening to this, you tell us right now.

You tweet at Griffin McRae, at Justin McRae, tell them about how your clothes smell when you come home from Taco Bell. And I'm not even gonna lead the witness. You just tell them how they smell. Your family comes up to you after you get home from a shift and gives you big hugs. You're chased by dogs down the street.

Ooh, what is that spicy beef smell? All the neighborhood, great dogs are trying to kill you and eat your shirt. Everyone grab Dennis and huff him quick before the smoke, before the scent goes away. I don't need those tweets, by the way. I worked at Olive Garden, where we always came home

coated in something called OG water. Oh yeah, we've talked about OG water. So yeah, I don't need a lesson in that. My man, Tommy Red, used to give me a ride to school every day and he would have his fizzle these clothes in the back seat. And God, every time I got into his car, it was like an assassin was trying to suffocate me with garlic bread.

It was the worst. I'm just saying, a Taco Bell establishment is one bed away from being a home. That's it. That actually, you could actually cross stitch that into a sampler. And every Taco Bell staff is a family. You know what I mean?

That's what I've been trying to get you guys to realize. We're a family here, we look out for each other. Is that why you keep giving me those applications? I'm just saying it's a family, Travis. You could finally have a family of your own, imagine it. Blood is thicker than the bun. Does it make sense? Think outside the blood.

Inside the blood. I recently quit my job at a certain fast food place. Wow, we didn't part of the best terms as I told them I was quitting in the middle of a mandatory quarantine. While I'm happy to never make the food again, their salads were once a regular lunch for me. My question is this, was the appropriate amount of time

to wait before I can head back to the drive-thru window I used to clean? That's from Wendy's Widow in West Virginia. Right away. A weird conflux of talking points in this episode already here. Because you left the familia and there's a price to pay with that, I feel like.

I would say zero amount of time. I think the best thing you could do is walk out, get in your car, drive through the drive-thru and get a salad. I completely agree. I feel like you quit, you get in your car, you pull up to the window, one Southwest avocado chicken for me to go.

Because the best part about that is possibly you do that before the other person realizes you don't get an employee discount anymore. It might be the only, if you timed it right, it might be the only way to guarantee you've got the most sumptuous foods is if you prep the chicken and all the salad ingredients. Like I quit.

Hey, could you hand me that salad? I just made, I've already made it. I'd made it perfectly. Don't fucking touch it. I put the two giant ice cream scoops of guacamole on top, just like I like. Don't mess it up. Man, this is-

You know the taco salad at Wendy's, if I may. The taco salad at Wendy's has chips and it's got chili, right? Because it's a taco salad. There's two things I'd like to address here. One, the chili on top is the same chili that they serve if you buy chili. The chili at Wendy's is shot full of big chunks

of ground beef that are just cut up hamburgers. So when you get a taco salad, you're eating twice repurposed beef, which I don't love. The thing I do love though, is the bag of chips that Wendy's gives you says it's crunch time on it. And what I like about that is, they're branding the chips that I have had no- You cannot order these chips.

You do not need to sell me on the chips. I'm gonna enjoy- They might as well just say chips and crayons. Chips? What a question, Mark. You're still gonna fucking eat them. You're gonna eat them, because these are the chips. But no, it says it's crunch time,

so you get even more excited. Oh, yeah! You could say fucking poison on them and you would still open them and be like, oh no, these are the chips that go with the salad that I had to put on there. I'm not examining the packaging. I'm not looking for a best consumed by date.

You can't take that back to the register and be like, give me different chips. What a refund for these poison chips. No, sir, they're not poison. It's just to scare away the fair weather fans of our chips. These are for the real windows. We've had jobs in food service before. I think not counting the concession stand

at the movie theater that I believe we all worked at, or maybe just me and Travis, because I did definitely haunt that. I did haunt that particular theater after I quit there, but the TCBY where I cut my teeth, I didn't fucking darken the doorstep of that particular. We can talk a big game here, but it does feel, I don't know, wrong to me in a while.

I never went back. Let me, uh... Did you ever go back to the, Justin, the Olive Garden, did you ever return to it? Extracurricularly. Oh, constantly, yeah, of course. It is the only OG in town, Griffin. That's true, I guess so.

I never went back. I never went back to the Jimmethy Johns that I worked at. I never went back to the Hotel Breakfast restaurant that I worked at, but I think, aside from the Shakespeare Company, I have not returned to any job I have ever worked at. I hardly ever leave them on what one might call warm regards.

I don't have, I mean, I don't have a lot of options here, so I kind of have to, I can't burn any bridges. If I burn a bridge with the Chipotle in town, I just don't ever get to eat Chipotle again, you know? You no longer get burritos. I take that back. I did return to the Best Buy I had worked at after I quit, and even though it was six months later,

many of the people I encountered were surprised to learn I didn't work there anymore. So like just, maybe just take that in if you're worried about going back. Chances are none of them care, so that's something. It's called Best Buy, not Best Friends. That's true, Griffin, but fucking, I bled blue for that place.

You know I did. Yeah, he was always like 573 on top. He was always like repping the store. This is a fun thing because Huntington's not that big of a place. There was an overlap of Jobs Justin and Griffin and I have worked at different times. It's a fun Venn diagram that I think we have

six degrees of separation connected every business in Huntington. I don't think we've had the same, except for Cowabunga, the WTCR mascot, a job we worked very illegally at very young ages. Well, in fairness, we weren't paid in money, but rather in company trades. Yes, we were paid in grit.

Yeah, radio grit. I traded it in on a friggin' couch for my parents who gave me $100. Hey, listen, this has been so fun and I'm loving it, but let's take a quick break and go to the Money Zone. Good point. Huh. What's wrong, Trav?

It is I beep L'. Actually so, you have to handle beep, I'm one of the bassists. Have a good one, Griff. But I don't want to have to do it. See, Griffin, this is what I'm talking about. I came to this planet to get what you humans call love. Yeah.

Perhaps it is Beblore's bad breath. Let's start, look, can we do something else? Hey, Griffin. Yeah. Gum, what is it? Nobody's really sure. Quip, it's the good habits company. You've heard us say that a thousand times.

What does that mean? Flossing, yes. Brushing, yes. Well, what about the rest of the time, right? We all like to, you know, eat some candy, maybe even chew some gum. Are those good habits? Well, they can be now because gum from Quip, it's new,

it's there, and it's good for your oral health. It comes in a really cool dispenser that'll make you look like some kind of, I would say cool like spy with a cool spy gadget. Do you wanna hear it? Do you wanna hear the dispenser? Yes, please, yes. It's like, isn't that cool?

Wow, that's pretty good. It does actually warn you on the directions to not do it into your mouth because the gum does come out with, I will say this, Quip, a not inconsiderable amount of velocity. So you do- More stink than you needed to put on there.

Yeah, so just do that into your hand and then eat the gum. No, I think it's the exact right amount of stink. Okay, yeah. Quip gum can help prevent cavities and fresh and breath when chewed for 20 minutes after eating. It's sugar-free and has tooth-friendly xylitol with zero calories.

Now, let's be clear, it's not a substitute for brushing and flossing, but it is a great support for your oral health. And you can go ahead and pair that with your Quip electric toothbrush and refillable floss. And if you go to getquip.com slash mybrother right now, you can get a free plastic dispenser with any refill plan.

That's a free dispenser at getquip.com slash mybrother spelled G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash mybrother, Quip the Good Habits Company. It says in here, we have to say, it's not a substitute for brushing and flossing. Folks, if somebody made a gum that was a substitute for brushing and flossing, I don't think they need to run ads.

I think you'd probably hear about it, right? It'd be all over the place. You'd go to CVS and they'd be like, uh-oh, looks like you don't count. Only have COVID vaccine or toothbrush gum. You'd go with toothbrush gum. Now listen, it still gets you nice and clean. I like to pop one in there after lunch.

You know what I like to do? Brush my teeth, then after I drink my coffee, chew some gum. Chew some gum. That's over, guys. You don't have to keep chewing gum. You know, I've been, the seasons are changing. Mm-hmm, yes.

God, we're like right in the middle of it. It's the least applicable that could possibly be, but things are cold here. And I realized that I don't have a lot of cold weather clothes, right? Yeah. But twist, I don't go outside. Oh.

So I've got all of these cold weather clothes and they're all ill-fitting and also like, I don't wanna wear them. Okay. And so I need to stock up on all kinds of different looks and there's only one place I ever turned to for that. And that is Stitch Fix. It's not like online shopping.

That's such a stretch, man. You get clothes, you don't have what size they're gonna be. You don't know any of that, but Stitch Fix does all the hard work and just makes it fun. You talk to one of their stylists about your style, your budget, what the size of your different body segments are and they're gonna mail you some clothes to try on. You keep the stuff you like, you send back the rest.

Stitch Fix has free shipping, easy returns to exchanges and a prepaid envelope is included. And there's no subscription required. Half my clothes I own are probably around that, came from Stitch Fix. And the other half are Jimmy Buffett t-shirts. So we really believe in this company and we love the fashion that they're able to extend to us

and anybody who's willing to join up. So you can get started today at stitchfix.com slash my brother and you'll get 25% off when you keep everything in your fix. That's stitchfix.com slash my brother for 25% off when you keep everything in your fix, stitchfix.com slash my brother. I'm going first, it's me, Jackie Kaysha. Man, she's always this bossy.

Hi, I'm Lori Kilmerton. We're a bunch of stand-up comics and we've been doing comedy like 60 years total for both of us, but we look amazing. We drop every Monday on Max Fun and it's called the Jackie and Lori show and you could listen to it and learn about comedy and learn about anchor management and all the things.

And Jackie is married but childless and I'm unmarried but childful. So together we make one complete woman. Is that just what that one's gonna end? Yeah. And we try to make Kyle laugh just like that and say, oh my God, every episode. It's a good job.

Jackie and Lori show, Mondays, only on maximum fun. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. I'm not gonna get anybody off today. Okay. I'm done with that. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Very good. But little, little, little, little, little, little. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Fucking, give me that. Here I am. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Munch me like a squatter cane. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Hello, welcome to Munch What is Podcasts and The Podcasts.

Focusing on the ladies and grace in brand eating and this is a sub-series of this podcast called Letters from the Poultry Front. Hey, Josh. Can I give you a quick note? Yeah, please. Munch me is not something I ever wanna hear you say again. If that-

It's too late. It's in your hippocampus. It's just gonna live there. Oh man. Rent free is the TikTok kids say. Oh, damn it. Guys, this is intense out there. And I don't know if you've seen

some of the bodies lying in the streets, but the war is bloodier and more brutal- What? Than ever and it is not showing any signs of slowing. Hey, what the fuck are you talking about? I am going to read today, not in their entirety, but I'm gonna give you a sampling of five press releases all released within a no bullshit two week window.

Understand? Yeah. Okay. Let's check in on checkers and rallies. We'll start there, okay? Okay. They're talking about how they're going to speed up turnaround.

You go into checkers and rallies and you're gonna get out quicker, which is good because the ambiance isn't what you go to checkers and rallies for. You go so you can get your wings and your best fries in the fast food biz and you move on with your life. And this press release from January 14th

proudly announces that they have, and this is the wording that they use. They've launched a new chicken sandwich platform, the Mother Cruncher Chicken Sandwich Platform. It's not a literal platform, it's just a place to bounce your ideas off of, but it's the Mother Cruncher, okay? And they think that you're going to love it.

Let's go over to Boston Market, where they are- Wait, you just said a thing. You just said a thing and you need to explain what a chicken sandwich platform is. The platform to bounce your ideas off? What the fuck are you talking about? I don't know.

This is in the press release. What am I, an interpreter? Okay. I'm just telling you what it says, okay? All right. McDonald's, I'm actually gonna go over to McDonald's, okay? McDonald's, January 4th, the chicken sandwich wars aren't slowing down.

Oh, they're gonna roll out new chicken sandwiches in February. We've heard our customers loud and clear, we know they're craving more chicken options. We're confident all chicken fans from traditionalists to spice. That is a fucking hell of a clause guys. We'll discover a new menu favorite, they'll come back for time and time again.

And this is all in service. They wanna be the best in the biz in the chicken wars. And they got three new sandwiches to prove it. And Erlinger, who is the president of McDonald's US. Of course. Says, developing a reputation for great chicken represents one of our highest aspirations. We want customers to choose McDonald's for chicken

because of the unique, craveable flavor that they can only get under the arches. To get started, we listen to consumers to understand our current barriers and potential. The only barrier there could be is people don't like your chicken. So they're trying some of the different.

Over at KFC, they've launched, this is from January 7th. KFC has launched the best chicken sandwich ever. So fuck you. They weren't gonna sit out the latest round of the quick service chicken sandwich wars. What? The chain introduced its best chicken sandwich ever

Thursday in select markets. It's simply labeled the KFC chicken sandwich. Bulb. It's got a buttery brioche bun topped with crispier, thicker pickles and the perfect amount of the Colonel's real mayo. And no chicken. No, sorry.

I wanna just isolate one for everybody. The Colonel's real mayo. I did see a commercial with one of these sandwiches in it and fellas, they are not kidding about the size of these pickles. It's obscene the size of, the depth of these pickles is obscene. Fuck, I want a chicken sandwich.

Okay, go on. Zach Spies is offering general sews. Okay, okay, Zach Spies. Now you have Zach Spies. Zach Spies is doing general sews shigwings for a limited time. Oh, not chicken sandwich. Oh, but even down I think it's,

when it's like we're all doing sandwiches and Zach Spies is like we're over here fucking partying. Zach Spies has got Texas toast and napkins. You can make a fucking general sews sandwich if you wanna get nasty. Zach Spies has an alternative to fast food. All right, bud. That Zach Spies serves fresh prepared

at order hand breaded chicken fingers with a Z and wings toss a variety of sauces. Zach Spies recently introduced a new signature sandwich in test markets with a choice of Zach's sauce or new spicy Zach sauce. The company has plans for a nationwide rollout because the chicken sandwich war ain't over yet. Probably.

I have one more. Boston Market, the January 19th, okay? Boston Market boldly launches Nashville hot crispy chicken sandwich. Declaring the chicken sandwich wars are over which was recently declared. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. You can't just declare that you have to kill everyone else.

I think this is what they are claiming they have done. Zach Spies just reassured us on this exact same day that the chicken sandwich wars are not over. Boston Market leads it. Yeah, they are. Actually, they are over. It's pretty much January 19th. Actually, they're not over.

Boston Market says they actually are. We've entered the fray with our own take. The Nashville hot crispy chicken sandwich. It's the first crispy chicken sandwich the company's 30-year history. It's been available for a limited time which if you're telling me this is the sandwich to bring peace to the galaxy,

you should probably keep it on the menu for a while just to limit the number of mothers and sons being separated by the grim reaper. Alongside launch, Boston Market will introduce new crispy chicken BLT sandwich and crispy chicken and white gravy. See, that's it. Here's what's up.

Here's what I appreciate. McDonald's, they done took the damn grill chicken sandwich off the menu. They said, if we're gonna join voluntarily this chicken sandwich war, we're gonna put all of our fucking resources behind it. The grilled chicken sandwich is a distraction. Everybody else is like, yeah,

we also are kicking ass with our crispy chicken sandwich but also, check out this one. This one's got a zesty Italian flavors. Like, no, that's not the war though. Can I tell you guys what's really fucking me up right now? What's that? It's that we've heard from these five companies and it's like, there's been so much carnage already

in the chicken wars. Yeah. But we haven't heard from fucking Popeyes yet. And Popeyes launched, they launched the first shot across the valley. No, but this is what I'm saying is like, they launched it and if anyone's gonna finish it, I have this feeling that Popeyes might actually

factually kill KFC and or, I mean, Boston market seems like they'd be the first to go, right? Yeah. Then Zaxby's. Zaxby's is gonna make it pretty far, I think. I don't know. Yeah, you think?

I can see them being like the, like we have these like swamp fighter techniques where it's just like, like how we won the revolutionary war. Yeah, sure. I see Boston market is out there like, oh, we're fighting the chicken wars in like perfect, you know, formation.

Formation, yeah. And Zaxby's is like, we dropped down from trees to hands to our sandwich. Zaxby's down your fucking ghillie suit. Listen, Boston market is not fucking around because I want to bring you my new favorite CEO in the biz. Well, okay. Last week we learned about a sentient potato king.

So let's be careful about the words we use. Let's check it out. Actually not CEO. He's president Randy Miller. It's me, Randy Miller, the president of Boston market. If you leave the market off, it's a man announcing, I'm Randy Miller, the president of Boston.

Deal with it. 2020 is behind us. And so are the chicken sandwich wars. We've been bringing the heat in our rotisserie ovens for more than 30 years. And our new Nashville hot crispy chicken sandwich proves there's only room for one chicken expert in this country.

Really? Boston market will always be king. Jesus God. With this new menu, we wanted to introduce music cities, legendary hot sauce flavor to all our guests across the country. Brief, if I may interrupt, Randy.

You may not. Just please, it's my show. I just want to say it's wild that if you want to bring another city's flavor, you should probably not name your restaurant after a city. People are going to start to wonder where your allegiances lie. There's no better way to do that

than alongside our legendary rotisserie chicken and a crispy chicken sandwich that will quickly become the best thing our guests and probably our competitors will have ever tasted. Our Nashville hot crispy chicken sandwich is no doubt the best sandwich out there today. Oh, there you have it. And we challenge everyone to put it to the taste.

Oh. A taste test. Oh, of course. Okay, you fuckin' fell apart of me, Randy. I gotta get some sick, Randy. You have it. You're doing so good, Randy. Everyone put it to the taste.

A taste, taste. A taste, taste. Taste, taste. You got a taste? Taste it to waste it. Fuck. Tea in the wind. Taste, taste.

I just... Hey, I'm here for my taste, taste of the best music city sandwich on earth. Seems like we might need to scrap whatever we were planning for next week's episode and just like get into these crispy boys. I just want everybody to realign their focus on like why we're doing this in the first place.

And that is because it is unethical to eat Chick-fil-A, but nobody's really doin' their weird wet flat pickle mess that I haven't eaten in many years now just from a principal standpoint, but hey, I've tried some of the other ones. I remember there was one week for a second where we all maybe got tricked for just a second into thinking Chick-fil-A had turned a corner

and then like four days later, they were like, hi, I'm just kidding, here's a million dollars. Yeah, it just may, listen. I didn't eat during that period is what I'm saying. What I'm saying is I was like, oh man, this weekend, I might- That's hope, I mean, that was hope. We missed the weird wet pickle mess,

but like is a principal thing, but nobody's really going for that weird wet pickle mess aesthetic and that's kind of- It would be great if they could all get together to crush Chick-fil-A. That's what I'm saying, team up. Just, yeah. That's, I will continue to bring everyone updates.

Please. If I can just mention one more thing, this is the last one before, and I just want to, Tropical Smoothie sees increased demand in Cajun shrimp menu offerings, okay? I just want to, this is the name of the press release. And then you're reading through,

sounds all very reasonable. And then the first line of this story is, many of its largest competitors continue to fight the long raging chicken sandwich war. And then the end of it is a quote that says, we provided a fresher, flavorful alternative, and it's outperforming any new food item in our history. Maybe 2021 will mark the end of the chicken sandwich wars.

This is from January 19th also, guys. I don't know what's fucking happening, but three different places say, on this exact same date, okay? Zach Smith is like, the chicken sandwich wars are really continuing, they're not over yet. And then Boston Market said, they actually are over.

And Tropical Smoothie said, I don't know, maybe they are, maybe they aren't. These are not the same company, they're different companies. How the fuck did everybody just decide like, the war is on, we're calling it a war? Yes, it's a war. We're all doing a chicken sandwich war right now, and it's not over till we all agree that it's over.

Is there maybe some kind of like shadowy organization that is like, actually all of these chicken places are owned by the exact same like company, and like we drum up the war just to like, I don't know, I don't know. Big ticens. We drum up the war to get more ASMR people to do taste tests and compare the sandwiches.

Hey, I have a Yahoo here that was sent by Graham Robot. Thanks, Graham. It's Yahoo Answers user, they're anonymous. Their name is gonna be, for this one, their name is gonna be Trey. Asks, family safe scrabble game modifications. My Nana won't play the game scrabble with us anymore because she doesn't wanna feel pressured

to use an unpleasant or dirty word out of desperation slash lack of other options, just to keep the game moving along. I understand her concerns completely. Is there a way to modify scrabble to make it safe for her to play so she doesn't have to spell a word she doesn't want to? I was thinking of either removing the P, F, V, B, T, C

and D tiles or adding in a lot of the other letters from other sets of the game. Does anyone have any other suggestions? Updated two weeks ago. We don't allow dirty words, but if it is the only option left, Nana feels like she is forced to and it upsets her. Updated six hours ago, the tile swap rule

is akin to gambling. So we refuse to use that rule. Oh, yeah, hit me, hit me, hit me. I was jokingly going to suggest removing the F tiles and they just done went ahead and said, hey, I'll see your joke and raise you a scary suggestion. Okay, but here's the thing. F, you remove that, what do you get rid of?

You know, the big one, the F bomb. If we could stop, if we could try and be very careful not to just George Carlin it up on this segment because I want us to be sort of clinical about this. If you take out the U, I feel like that's gonna cover a lot more cuss words per letter. Oh, what about the K?

No, the C, the C's in a lot of them. C's in a lot of work. Cause you got the B word, the F word, I mean, the C word. The B word being but? No, Griffin, the five letter B word. Oh yeah, that one. You got the D word in there. I feel like C covers a lot.

C would cover a lot actually. So we've figured out that C is the nasty letter. Now, bad news, that does also remove cat. So that's a problem right there. You can't use cat. You know what the fucking problem is? Is that because it's Scrabble, you would have to get the blank tiles out too.

Cause some fucking naughty boy could use those tiles and like put down blank, blank, blank K. And people are like, what is that? And he'd be like, it grandma, it's a fuck. That right there, you're looking at grandma, despite appearances is a fuck. Or even worse, grandma's the one that plays that. Cause it's the only legal move she has.

And then she just burst into tears. That, this I want to question. We don't allow dirty words, but if they're the only option grandma feels like she has, I would argue they're not an option. If it's against the rules, that's all these games are like, it's just not an option. Is it possible that secretly grandma's a dying

to play them dirty words? And she knows that you all are very controlling and you'll judge her. And so that's why she's gonna be like, oh, I'm so uncomfortable. Oh my God, I can't believe this is the only option, but okay, but I'm just gonna go ahead and put it down. Fuck, but for now, grandma,

you've just played nine letters all at once to make three different words. Yes, no, I know, I feel like, well, where did you get? There's like two extra letters that I just found them under my leg. I can't believe I saw it there. I think a really great house rule for your game should be that your grandma can play cuss words

but whenever she does, nobody's allowed to say them or acknowledge that they are a dirty word. So grandma just spells out, fuck on the board and everybody just kind of looks at it and then looks at each other and then quietly writes down however many points it's worth. And they just don't- Man, that's the worst part.

Fuck is not worth a lot of letters, really. I mean, a lot of points, really, when you think about it. There's not any big... Now, if you could spell it F-U-Q-U-E, now we're talking. Which is how they do it in Montreal. Of course. Oh, the French-Canadian style. There, hmm.

It sounds like maybe just you need scrabble but with numbers, but then even then you can do 69. Oh, what about graph paper and pens? And you just write down whatever letters you want but then, oh, what if the letters accidentally line up and you're doing it and you're like, well, shit. Yeah. You could also have like a nasty cousin

and then she calls in the nasty cousin and the nasty cousin's like, what's up grandma? And she just like gestures down to her tiles and the cousin's like, say no more. I understand what needs to be done and I have the will to do it. A pinch cusser, if you will. A pinch cusser, yeah.

What if it was just, hey, this, no joke, sounds like a pretty restrictive household. What about just one day a month? It's like the fucking purge when it comes to cussing. Yeah. And it's just like that day, that's when we get out the nasty scrabble set that's all only F-U-C-K comes.

Yeah, but then everybody's so wild for it's like, grandma, you just played, yeah, you know, whether you use your imagination. Does this say cuff? Does this say cuff, grandma? What the fuck? What does that mean? You wrote BAFTA.

BAFTA? This just says BAFTA. Like the award? Is that what you were doing? Like the British Animation and Film Award? I don't think that's what BAFTA stands for. I don't think it is either, but British and Film Television Award.

British and Film Televisions. It's an award for both Film Television and Bing British. Maybe you're like, oh man, you did some good British-ing this year. Here you go. Oh, and also. Extremely British. I enjoyed you on that television show.

Baking and Film and Television. The BAFTA, though. The BAFTAs. Wait, you think that's a lid? Yeah. It's not a lid, let's put a lid on it. That's a lid, thanks so much for joining us on this episode.

We hope you had fun. We hope you're hanging in there and doing well. We care about you a great deal. The chicken wars are- Chicken wars are tough out there. I'm gonna check right now. I'm gonna say, I'm gonna make a ruling on this that they're not over currently.

So please let me know how, try as many as you can and just let me know how they are. Listen, this is a big week for us, many, many months in the making. This week, our how-to podcast book, everybody has a podcast except you. Years in the making. Years in the making.

Yeah, that's fair. It is the culmination of all of our knowledge on podcasting up to this point. That book comes out this week, comes out January 26th. And then on January 26th at 9 p.m., we're going to have a free virtual event to celebrate the launch of everybody has a podcast

except you. We've partnered with six independent bookstores. If you pre-order from them, you'll get an exclusively designed book plate signed by one of the three of us with your copy as long as supplies last. And you can go to bit.ly slash of MacRoy podcast book event for bookstore links and more event info.

We're really, really proud of this book. I really think you're going to like it. There's an audio book version of it too that we did, that we narrated. If you have anyone in your life that he's thinking about starting a podcast or is just like a fan of podcasts, I really think they'd like this book.

So one more time bit.ly slash MacRoy podcast book event. We've also got some new merch to check out over at MacRoyMerch.com. We got that service pin of the month benefiting the NARAL, designed by Zach Sterling. The NARAL fights for access to abortion care, birth control, paid parental leave, and protections for pregnancy discrimination.

We've also got that Knights Templar II sticker designed by Tyler Reed over there and a whole lot more. And one last thing, The Adventures in Crystal Kingdom, the next book in our graphic novel series is available for pre-order now. That's over at theadventureszonecomic.com. Thanks to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. Go to maximumfun.org, check out all the great shows there.

They have shows like, you know, Stop Podcasting Yourself is on there. They got Triple Click is on there, and a whole bunch more at maximumfun.org. You can check out the other stuff we do at maclaroy.family. I think that's it. You want the final?

Yes. Absolutely. This final Yahoo was sent in by the wizard Ben Cant. Thank you, Ben. It's Yahoo Answers user Nadia who asks, Are you still considered a Frankenstein? If all the body parts came from the same body. Oh, shit. Shit.

My name is Justin. Fuck, I don't. Oh, man. I'm Griffin McElroy. Oh, man. This has been my brother, my brother, me, kiss your dad's square on the lips. My bean.

OK, that was the show. Hope you had some fun. Talked for an hour, and now our job is done. Go back into the world face the day ahead. Please don't tell our grandparents all the cuss words we said. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture.

Artist owned. Audience supported.