My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 546: A Force Sandwich with Lightsaber Sauce

Episode Date: February 2, 2021

We got secrets! Lots of kinds of secrets. Movie secrets. Food secrets! Outer space secrets. You’re invited to listen in as we divulge these secrets, provided you tell NOBODY about what you learn today. Suggested talking points: Crash Bandicoot Market, Arby’s Walk-in, Matt Damon’s Dookie Potatoes, Jammers, Tuna Mysteries, Star Wars Improvisation Ways to support Black Lives Matter and find anti-racism resources: https://linktr.ee/blacklivesmatter

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Here come the McElroy's, we've got jokes and bits We're gonna give advice and you'll find these sticks After it is in store, come inside and see It's time to start, it's my brother, my brother and me

Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother Min and Vaishu for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle-est brother, Travis, all-bark, no-bite, woof-woof, mangy-mongrel, dog-pwned, McElroy. Okay, I didn't know at what point in there you would be finished saying dog stuff. But this is Griffin McElroy, rawhide, flea and tick medicine, heartworm medicine. Hey, can I ask you guys something? I love it. I know Justin and Griffin, you guys are big, big financial bros. You guys are Wall Street mongrel.

I see a lot of people talking about the stocks. I'm so glad that we're bringing that here. I don't notice a lot of people talking about bonds so much. Bonds are done. Bonds are over. They keep delaying it. Oh, okay. Stocks though are on the tip of everyone's tongues and lips. Finally, I think it's exciting that the national conversation has finally veered into our...

Man, I say our weird. That's how I normally do it. Hit that hard. Our area of expertise. We're in our wheelhouse. Finally, stocks. Well, so I was hoping that you guys could take this opportunity because I'm sure a lot of people are as confused as I am. Sure.

Because you see a lot of talk about shorting and I guess longing, I guess. Longing is the opposite, yeah. I don't know. I don't know my elbow from my asshole. So if you guys would tell me a little bit about it, that would be great. Trav, I was talking to my close personal friend, Mad Money's Jim Kramer. We had a little play date for the kids the other day and don't worry, they were wearing their special helmets. So that there was no risk of transmission and Mad Money's Jim Kramer knows where to get those helmets and the good ones too.

And if you don't know what kind of helmets I'm talking about, don't worry about it. It's really only for a certain, let's say, salary level. But anyway, he explained it to me in this very helpful way and he used GameStop as the example. And you know how when Crash Bandicoot 4 comes out and in order to get it, you trade in Crash Bandicoot 3 for it. But this value is depreciated. Yeah, you have to turn in Bandicoot 3 and 1 together to get 4. But even that, it's not exactly 1 to 1 and that's something that Mr. Kramer, my good friend, had to explain to me about it. Okay.

The differential between those two values is stocks. So the price difference between Crash Bandicoot 3 and Crash Bandicoot 4 is stocks. No, God! Okay. No! Sorry. It's like, can you help me? I'm sending jokes out of the room.

I will explain what is happening with GameStop stocks in 30 seconds. Are you ready? Sure. I'm so glad our show is going to stop being funny. No jokes. We're only three minutes in. It's a public service. But do some jokes.

Like, I had a whole thing about Jim Kramer's. No jokes. Hey, can we do 30 seconds of jokes and then pretend like you didn't do 30 seconds of jokes and go back to making jokes about it? Like, I put in an effort to explain it good, but I also did jokes. So I don't see why you get to only do one of those. Okay. I will make three- Can you use silly words?

Shut up. I'll make three discrete fart noises. Thank you. All right. During my explanation. Oh, they're good too. Are you ready? Yeah, they better be good though.

All right. And it's an intro. Oh, don't start with one. Don't start with one. That one doesn't count. You got to do three more. Internal. Okay.

In addition to buying stocks, when you buy a stock that says, I think this stock is going to increase in value. You can also short stocks, which is where you borrow some stocks and say, I think this is going to go down in value and I'll be able to sell it for less than it is right now. A lot of people did that with GameStop because it's a bad business. Gasping. Oh, I was gasping for a rip, wasn't I? A lot of hedge fund nerds did that with GameStop.

Yeah. A bunch of people on Reddit said, actually, what if we all buy GameStop at the same time? That'll really fuck those dudes up. Yeah. And then they all did it at the same time and it fucked those dudes up because they were expecting the stock to go down. But because everybody on Reddit bought it at the same time, the stock price went up. So now they're mad and the people on Reddit have money.

I will credit you. I will credit you one fart noise, Justin, because hedge fund managers losing everything is way funnier than any joke that we're going to be able to do on this show today. Very funny. Now, here's where my, here's where, that's the entire explanation. Here's what I don't know. Does this affect me in a negative way? Right.

Because it affects me in a positive way. No, it does affect me in a positive way because it's extremely funny. It's super funny. It's so funny. But it might be less funny if I knew if it affected me in some way that I don't know. I bought stocks in Cheez-Its. Is that affected by this? Specifically the food product chee, I went to the store.

I said, give me a hundred boxes of Cheez-Its. I'm ready to sell them back when they increase in value. Is that affected by this? It depends, Travis. And if Cheez-Its were part of this, you know, these modern day Robin Hoods over on Reddit, by which I mean, by all accounts, just really kind of shitty people still. Were they factor, were they trying to, to Roger the big man by buying up Cheez-Its stock when everybody thinks Cheez-Its gonna fail?

Now, I don't think anybody would think Cheez-Its gonna fail again. No, you're too big. It's a delicious product. Too crunchy to fail. Too crunchy to fail. Too zesty. Too zesty. So you're telling me these boxes of Cheez-Its are worthless?

Not, not sort of tasty. They're all open. I've been eating out of them. Maybe to bread some chicken. Now we're talking. Yeah, but I feel like that's a loss of, I feel like at that point I'm only getting 75% return on my Cheez-Its stock. My favorite part of this whole saga so far has been that the trading apps have shut down

GameStop Trading, which is, you know, illegal. And AOC was out there like, this is illegal and we are going to fuck you up. And then Ted Cruz, famous pants pisser, comes in and is like, that's right AOC, get him. And then AOC was like, shut the fuck up Ted. You're ruining it for everybody. You don't get to be on this side of it. You get to be on the wrong side forever, Ted. You fucking dipshit.

Hey AOC, if you're listening, you're welcome to come on the show anytime. Please come on our fucking show anytime. And I will say, I'm going to go ahead and lay it out. Ted Cruz is not welcome at any time. Yeah, Ted Cruz is not welcome on this show. Unless he wants to do 420 with us. And unless we can put down some plastic sheets on the chairs. Yeah.

Yeah. So this is an advice show. I know, by the way, I know less now than I did when we started about what happened. So thank you. No, that's, I did such a good job. You just casually, you just casually throw out the words, somebody borrowed stock to sell it when it was worthless. And now they're mad. What does that fucking mean?

They, who do they borrow it from? When you short a stock, you're betting that it's going to drop in value, right? Because you borrow it at a certain price, right? And then when you buy it, you're saying, I'm going to buy this later. That's basically what you're saying. And the differential between the price that you eventually buy it at is shorting it. And that says, this place is going down. Now some people do that.

And then they're like, I'm going to join the board and fuck this place up. I'm going to go, I want to short this stock by going in and shorting it myself, which does not seem very good. But it doesn't look like a good plan. It seems effective. It would be like me saying that Paul betting that Paul Blart III is going to be bad and then being hired as the director of Paul Blart III and pushing one of the cameras into the swimming pool full of macaroni and cheese, which is a major set piece of the film.

I've ruined the movie myself. And that was a belabored metaphor, but you get the idea. You guys know what would be so funny. What's that? If anyone from Reddit is listening, it would be so funny. I heard all these hedge fund bros and they were going to short sell my brother and my brother and me. Can you imagine if you guys really drove our stock up

and like made us like super famous and like really cool dudes? Well, maybe wait until after our Ippo, which is how Jim Cramer taught me. We got an Ippo. I'm going to say IPO. We have to Ippo, huh? We got an Ippo. We have to become publicly traded. Like Jim Cramer's got a character.

He calls the Ippo Hippo and he comes on whenever. Guys, the Ippo Hippo is coming into the studio. The Ippo Hippo is rolling into the studio. He says this is a great Ippo. I know a lot of people don't care for Jim Cramer, but he's a chill bro who has the good cush and he knows where to get the good helmets for the children. So we love him around here.

Unless there is a reason that we should love Jim Cramer. Yeah. I don't know. He's got the good cush. He's a chill bro who with a good hang and great cush and cool helmets for the kids. And it's never done anything wrong. I want to start saying that more often.

Just laying it out. They've never done anything wrong. Blanket acceptance. I swear to God, if you are about to tweet at us, actually here's the thing that Jim Cramer did wrong. We probably could have guessed it. Yeah. You can just tweet that at Ted Cruz.

Yeah. Or Jim Cramer. Or Jim Cramer. Hey, Jim. Just want to remind you about this thing you did. Jim Cramer's here. Jim Cramer's the one fucked up. Probably.

We've all fucked up, haven't we? Except some people worse than others. Not like that thing Jim Cramer may or may not have done. I didn't like it when Jim Cramer was doing the stand up and he got so racist. Remember that? Yeah, I remember that. Yeah, I remember that.

Remember when Jim Cramer did that? These are the words. Do you guys ever think about how Michael Richards did go off and be big racist, big racist, and say the most racist words on his stage and everybody started booing at him? And you could tell he ran some quick calculus in his head about what he should say immediately after

and what he came up with was, these are the words. Oh, Michael, that wasn't it, partner? It should have been, the words that followed that is, well, I'll be going now forever. I'll be on the moon. Don't worry about me, Michael Richards. I'm heading out.

Bye, everybody. I'm departing the universal consciousness. Goodbye. Does anybody know where the nearest tar pit is? Because I'm just gonna stroll right in. It's me, Cosmo Cramer. This is an advice show, as you certainly guessed at this point,

and we are here to help. And you know what's funny, guys? I feel like this is a weird show because this is the first one we've recorded since the release of our book about podcasting. Everybody has a podcast except you. And I kind of feel like this is the time to rest on our laurels. There's no point in improving.

Yes, thank you. I was gonna say the same thing. Yeah, it's like victory lap time. Because we like, at this point, the bad part is people, anytime we make any errors, people could be like, well, you wrote the book on podcasting.

And then, so that is something that has only recently occurred to me. But it's also good because it's like, hey, I wrote the book on podcasting. Yeah, that's it. This must be the right way to do it. That's not an error. That's not an error.

When we said for sure that Jim Cramer has never done anything wrong, that wasn't an error. I did the book on podcasting. Although if we do fuck up, we can be like, yes, we did write the book on podcasting, but I didn't write that one part. That one part.

Justin did that one part. That was a ghostwriter by which I mean the ghostwriter of television fame. Yeah. That's not what a lot of people, oh fuck, we should have put that on the cover. That ghostwriter helped us write it. We just put a bunch of letters down.

And we said ghostwriter, here's some letters. We threw the letters up in the air or whatever and he arranged them into like words about podcasting. Can I please, please? Please. I wish you would. Coward.

I recently moved into an apartment building next to an Arby's. Nice. I love to eat at Arby's. That's the end of the question. This is written from everyone. Yeah, I love to eat at Arby's, but because of everything going on,

they don't allow walk-ins. And you can't walk up to a drive-through in order. However, last month, I saw someone bike through the drive-through, no problem. I don't have a bike, but, and I don't want to drive my car through the busy road in front of both businesses just for a craving. What's the smallest mode of transportation

you think they will allow? That's from meat-seeking Miss Lynn, Michigan. Okay. This is actually finally one we can really sink our teeth in. Yeah. Until I read this question, it had not occurred to me like how silly one would feel if they lived next to like directly next to a drive-through.

Are you going to get into your car, pull out of your parking space, drive around, drive farther than you would walk, and then like go back and park in view of the drive-through window and say like, thanks again, Doug. As you go into your house. What about like door dashing it? And just like as they're leaving the drive-through,

just like yell out your window like, hey, chuck it up. I'll meet you halfway. Chuck it up. I got a, hey, listen, I made a little rascal style basket on a rope. Chuck it up. Why couldn't you do that? You have to twist those pedals around to raise it up.

It's a pulley system. We've been taught, it feels, first of all, it feels like we've been talking about nothing but fast food for the last four episodes in a row. Yeah. And that's a weird confluence of events, but there's no Arby's law. Do you know what I mean?

Like there's Arby's best practices. Like when you start an open Arby's franchise, you probably are sent a binder and that binder is like, here's good ways to do Arby's and please do them this way so that there's some Arby's consistency. I can pretty much guarantee you though the people working at this Arby's

would be willing to work out some sort of walk through arrangement with you. There has to be some Arby's law, Griffin. You can't just say blanket statement that everything in Arby's is a suggestion. No, it's not a suggestion. Like again, there's best practices, but I'm saying if you work at,

I had clients as I referred to them at the TCBY who I would mix some of the scoopable ice cream into the milkshakes when you were supposed to just use the soft serve, or I would blend soft serve and scoopable ice cream and what, which like you're probably not supposed to do and I probably cost TCBY hundreds of thousands of dollars, but those are my clients.

Those are my people. Like who am I without my clients? But Griffin, you can't assume that every fast food employee is a free thinker like you are, right? Like the risk is that you walk up and you're like, it's cool. I had an arrangement with Jerry

and they're like, Jerry's not here today. I'm Diane and I follow the rules. And now you're just out, you're out a sandwich. You gotta find the patch Adams of that Arby's who doesn't play by the rules, but respects the client and loves the client and the client's never wrong. You know, I had a friend, Jason Daniel Eldridge

used to work at Arby's. And do you know that when you work at Arby's, you know, there's like a huge loaf of meat that they're slicing the slices of roast beef, the titular Arby, you have to wear a chain mail glove when you're doing it. And he stole one is so cool chain mail Arby's glove. That's fucking radical.

Not radical. You probably fight a snake with that. No problem. Yeah. He's not an issue. Especially if he's made of roast beef. Do you think you could get away with Healy's at Arby? Oh, you've been rolling through.

Okay, like, I'm just going to gut chuck this. Okay. Healy's no. Pogo stick, no. Right. It has to continue in some way. Yeah. Bicycle doesn't continue.

It's true. Motorcycle, they wouldn't turn away a motorcycle. Segway is maybe about as far as I think they would be. A bicycle is honestly the lowest. I think a razor scooter maybe. Razor scooter. Yeah, maybe a razor. What about like a boxcar racer?

Oh, maybe. You know, like you just finished the big race with your Boy Scout troop and it happens to end the bottom of the hill as an Arby's and you just like coast through the drive through. I know. Just run out, wait for a car to be in the drive through and when they pull up to the sign, run up and hop into that car

and say, hey, what's up? My name's Tyson. Don't freak. Hey, don't freak out. Hey, hey. Put your phone down. Put your phone down. This can go one of two ways.

This isn't a gun, but it's unrelated. This could go one of two ways. Either you help me out or I will leave and I will wait for another car and I will see if they're cooler. But I'm hungry for roast beef sandwiches. Do you want a yahu? Yes, please.

This one was sent by several people. It's an anonymous yahu answer user. I'm going to call them, Tyson asks, if you could travel to Mars, who would you travel with and what snacks? Oh, that's tough, man. You could travel to Mars. What do you guys think?

Are we staying at Mars or is it just like a drive by like, ooh, Mars? To Mars. I'm seeing how long it takes to get to Mars around seven months. 30 seconds. Well, okay. No, that was a good, that was good.

It took me a minute to run it in my head. Like, why does that sound familiar? And then I remember about Mr. Leto and his great music. And then I was like, oh, that's, that's it. But it would take about six to eight months, which is longer than astronauts currently stay on the International Space Station.

So there would be like, you know, return trip. If you want to come back, you know, but let's round it up to two years. We're talking about bone density loss. And that's, that's, if we're going to do that, I want a fucking road dog up there, by which I mean, I guess a space dog. I think, yeah.

I think space dog would be the way to go. Can you imagine a dog trying to get around floating in the air? That's adorable. Kicking their little legs. Oh, that's a good boy. Fucking Elon. I'll tell you why.

Okay. They have to come get him. They have to come get him is the first one. If he wants them to come get him, they have to. Yeah. Second one, the ship crashing to Mars explodes like it didn't Martian. I wouldn't be out there eating my dookie potatoes

like that idiot. Idiot Elon Musk. Matt Damon, no, I would say, Elon, how's the new spaceship coming? That you're making out of Mars rocks and he would make me a new one out of Mars rocks. And the other thing is when I get back from Mars with or without Elon,

maybe I steal the rock ship, maybe not. And maybe I travel with him in your tummy. When I come back, I'm not going to fucking eat Elon. Can you chill? I'm just saying that if it comes down to it, why wouldn't you eat Elon Musk? He'll eat you if you don't eat him. When I come back, I will receive a stipend

paying me for the time that everybody else got away from Elon Musk. And I'm thinking I could probably scrounge up a couple of milli for that service that I would provide. And I will have gone on a pretty bodacious spaceship adventure. So I think mine's the best one. Here's what I'm going to hit you with.

How about this? Dolly Parton. Here's my logic. All right. Dolly Parton won incredible career. Yeah, story. Incredible career and has going to have so many great stories, right?

Stories about Porter, stories about Kenny, stories about everybody. You know what I mean? Just even growing up. Growing up in rural someplace. You know what I mean? Like great stories. Yeah.

And that's going to be great. And when the talking, when the sort of computational fuel happens on every long trip, and I certainly would think in a space travel scenario, you know, she could sing. Maybe a beautiful song. And maybe we can do it. You know what I mean?

Maybe it's me and Dolly Island's in the stream. That is what we are. Island's up in space. Better than a car. This is not a car. Nope. It's a spaceship. Yep.

And we rely on each other because we're in space together. And here's the other part. And here's two more things about bringing Dolly Parton into space. Okay. One of them is she's led a great life and helped a lot of people.

And I think she deserves it. I think she deserves to get up there, get the distance and look down and say, look at it, Dolly. You made that beautiful blue globe a little bit better. A little bit bluer. The last thing I would say about it is that she is pretty old.

So if it got kind of boring, you know what I mean? Like eventually if it got kind of boring, it would probably be okay soon. You know what I mean? Like it would probably be better. If I got sick of Dolly Parton, it would probably be different than when she was alive. Hey, Justin, would you kill Dolly Parton?

What are you saying? I wouldn't kill Dolly Parton. I'm saying that she's an older lady and I love her. I wish her the longest possible life. But if we're up in space and I'm like, I'm really getting sick of Dolly Parton. You would start wishing for her death. I wouldn't wish for her death.

But I would say nature, nature don't take a space holiday is one thing that I've. Nature is still doing it up in space. You don't know that. Well, she's not going to be able to get the special nutrition for older people that she needs up in space. We're going to be living off of our dookie potatoes

and the little packets of hard ice cream and all that. So she's not going to get the calcium that she needs up there. And I'm just saying that it's not going to be, I don't know, exercise situation or whatever, but like I'm saying it, I'm not going to be stuck with Dolly Parton for 20 years on Mars.

No, I mean, up to this point, I think Justin Griffin and I have been thinking about it in terms of two years, but you're thinking about if we get stuck. We're coming home. You want to stay there, I guess. Now, Justin, I would be remiss if I didn't also ask. I'm not saying I want to get stuck there. We know.

In much the same way, I'm not saying I want Dolly Parton to die. But I'm saying if I do get stuck there. Uh-huh. I don't even think you know what you're saying at this point. I think I know what I'm saying. Griffin, I think I know what he's saying.

I just don't know that I'm comfortable with the fact that he's saying it. Yeah. So I want to shift to a more comfortable topic and ask Justin, in the event that it becomes unnecessary, how do you feel about consuming the flesh of Dolly Parton for sustenance? And then I'm going to pivot even further away from

that, Travis. Oh, he was about to answer the Griffin. Yeah, I know. I think I would actually do, I think I do think I would actually take Matt Damon and the whole time I would be very confrontational. Like, you're always talking, hey, what's up, Goodwill? You're always talking shit about how you're going to do

it up on Mars. Well, let's fucking seed, bro. Yeah. And he'd be like, sir, I have never said it's me, Matt Damon, the real Martian, who would get up there and make some real dookie potatoes and I could live on Mars and I'm the best. I've never said that. Those are words that you're putting in my mouth.

Yeah, right. Yeah, right, Goodwill. Shit on the ground, dog. You also run the risk, though, Griffin, of getting Matt Damon an interstellar who has a piece of shit himself. Yeah. And that is, I would not want to travel with interstellar. Now, if I could travel with the robot from interstellar,

forget about it. Robot pals the way to go. Is Matt Damon an interstellar? He is. Yeah, he's a real stinker in that flow. Really? Yeah. How do you remember that?

Oh, I'd travel with McConaughey. I think he'd probably sleep most of the time. Oh, yeah, baby, changing my answer. Yeah. Mr. Smooth himself. And I bet his skin tastes like jerky. Huntington, West Virginia's own Matthew McConaughey would be an excellent travel companion to Mars,

except it would get, wouldn't it get a little old? It would get a little sensual, I would say. And there's no way I'm out living Matthew McConaughey 100%. Even the sensuality Travis would also get old after a bit. Yeah, you'd start to chafe, for sure. I don't think that he would take, I don't think that you would be pounding it with Matt. Okay, you don't think if Matthew McConaughey and I were together,

crashed, this is long-term, this isn't just two years. This is like 20 years. You don't think maybe just two? The question was, if you could travel to Mars and eat snacks, what would it be? And Justin's answer was, I would kill and eat Dolly Parton, and Travis is, I think I would have a 20-year-long sexual arrangement with Matthew McConaughey in Outer Space.

Or a 20-year-long seduction. Elon and combos. And let me be clear, it would not, it would be, well, you know, I would say it wouldn't be romantic, but I don't know that. But I think, as far as I know, Matthew McConaughey and I are both straight fellas. But I don't think that that would get in the way

of just the sheer companionship and joy of human contact that we would experience being together. It wasn't even, the question is, what's a celebrity you like and what's a food you like? And Justin's like, I want to carve Martin Sheen's skull into a fucking bowl. Yeah, and I would say Matthew McConaughey and Chocolate Sauce that we might eat off each other if it comes to it.

And I'm just at this point, let me just be clear, it's the sensuality really. She's giving us something to focus our minds on other than the desolate wasteland of Mars. And it re-establishes that we're together, and also chocolate tastes delicious, and look at that six-pack, you know what I mean? I love it.

Hey, quick question. Given the recent quarantine, my pajama game has significantly improved. I now sport three to four different pairs that I can casually wear around the apartment, go unnoticed on work Zoom calls. They're so comfortable, nice thing is. I do need to leave the apartment building,

sometimes to grab groceries or run a short errand. My girlfriend thinks it's weird that I don't change it in normal clothes to do this. What do you think? Can I wear my fancy PJs outside the house for short, local, no driving adventures to the outside world? And that's from Stefan.

How fancy. My one man production of the pajama game is also doing very well in quarantine. There's been a lot of things that I've had to solve for. A lot of like, how do you do Bob Fosse? By yourself. And I've come up with a lot of answers to those things. Theater isn't alive and well.

In my heart. I think, okay, I'm trying to think of what is the complication, the difference betwixt pajama clothing and what one might consider outdoor clothing, outside clothing. Correct. And it seems to me like the first thing it clicked in my head is kind of like density, thickness of material.

You know what I mean? I think that could be solved for though with a heavy flannel pajama. Yeah. This is, it's. It's gonna look like fucking Kevin McAllister. Yeah, I'm going to buy two fresh. It's gonna be, it's gonna, this is so subjective.

I don't think there's one answer to this. This is fashion, isn't it? I can't, I don't feel comfortable wearing pajamas outdoors, even though that is what I am wearing right now at 2.04 p.m. central time. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I got my PJ pants on. Because I have one of the house.

My actual Totino's, uh, planted pants. But if I did leave the house, I would put on jeans is what I'm saying, but that's just, that's me because I don't think I look good right now and I don't feel confident enough to do it. But I mean, you know, go on any college campus, everybody's wearing jammers. Yeah, I mean, you're not going to get arrested

for wearing pajamas. I just feel like, um, I did personally, I just feel like what this quarantine has taught us, it's probably lots of things. So one of them is every trip outside's a gift. You know, I took it for granted in much the same way that anybody else does. Now when I go outside, I take a little time for me,

you know what I mean? I want to make it feel special. And I feel like even if you aren't into that, the least you could do is like gussy up for other people that are making like their big special trip outside because it'll be a rarity for them too. You want them to see beautiful people, beautiful fashion, people trying their hardest, you know?

And I think that that, I think it's nice to put in a little, put on the wits a little bit. Now Joseph, I hear you say that, but that assumes that these fancy jammies are any more fancy than like jeans and a shirt. No, but you know, don't you? I mean, the thing about it is, I don't know how to define pajamas,

but I know them when I see them. And you know, don't you? And no matter how the fabric, the material, there's eventually going to be a flap that makes bathroom easier somewhere on them. You know, to me, you know, you know. Because they're probably fashion jammies that are not practical jammies that you could wear,

but they're clearly not, they're jammies one might wear to some kind of highfalutin society pajama party, but not actual jammies that you're slipping into for a long winter's nap, you know? Like when we get invited up to the Playboy Mansion for their annual pajama party, like the jammies that we wear, you know what I mean? Those ones, those are not the jammies

I would actually wear to bed. The jammies that I wear to swim in the grotto, those are not the same jammies I slip into bed. You know what I mean? Yeah. They're jammies that are reinforced in the elbows and knees and the back for protection from weapons. Yeah, you do always have a sort of,

sort of shield back there, a natural shield. It's important, right? That's, all my clothes have that. That's the thing, but I don't do that when I go to bed. Oh God, I've just admitted my one weakness. Now people are going to attack me in bed when my jammies aren't reinforced. Damn it.

That's how you're going to go, isn't it? Yep. That's good that you know that. Yeah. Nude, nude, totally nude. That's how I'm sleeping. Did you guys ask that? I did.

Okay. You read my, you read my book. The name of the book was What's Justin Even Doing in There by Griffin McElroy. It came out on the same day as our podcast book. That's why nobody's really talking about it. It's actually published within our podcast book. If you read every third word, that's Griffin's book about

What's Justin Even Doing in There. Hey, can we go to the money zone? I love that. We've earned it, right? Yeah, please. Hey, everybody, it's me, regular human being here to talk about the money zone. Just a regular human being in my human body.

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mobile things us humans are using all the time. This is so much better, Trav. You're getting, you're getting so much better. We have analytics that help us grow in real human time. And there's free and secure hosting. So other bad humans won't be able to mess with our stuff. Good. And don't worry, human friends, there's nothing to patch your

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You were on the finish line. Fuck! Can you edit? Let's get it. We'll have it edited out. Okay. And I'm Beep Blorb! Fuck!

Um, stamps.com. What do you know? What do you, let's ask the listener, I guess, what do you already know about stamps.com? Pause, pause, pause. Wrong! Well, then we don't need to even do that. What's the next question?

We should still do the ad. We should still do the ad. Listen, nobody wants to spend all their time going into the freaking post office. They want to spend their time going to, you know, Chuck E. Cheese, Dave & Buster's like fun places with cool arcade games. Well, save time to go to Dave & Buster's by going to first to stamps.com, which allows you to mail and ship anytime

anywhere right from your computer. You can send letters, ship packages, and pay a lot less with discounted rates from the USPS, UPS, and more letters. Do you think that there have been any like postmaster generals who have thought about like putting some arcade games in there? Just like even like just one pinball machine, really, or like one of those tabletop like Miss Pac-Bans, I think

it would be a game changer. Yeah, that'd be sick, man. And hey, while we're at it, let's just sell pizza at the post office. You know what I mean? Yeah. And maybe a ball pit for the kids, whether you're a small office sending out invoices.

Just make a ball pit out of like abandoned mail that the kids can swim around in. Yeah, that could be fun. If you're a small office sending out invoices or an online seller shipping out orders or a big, big warehouse sending out thousands of packages at daystamps.com handles all that with ease. It's not even a problem.

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That's all one word. You get a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and they're still doing that digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts are there. You just go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in my brother. All one word.

That's stamps.com, promo code mybrotherstamps.com. Never go to the post office again. Hey there, beautiful people. Did you hear that good, good news? Something about the baby Jesus. He's coming back. Or do you mean the fact that Apple podcast is named Fanta?

What are the best shows of 2020? I mean, we already knew that we was hot stuff, but a little external validation never hurts, okay? Hosted by me, writer and journalist Jared Hill. And me, the abony entrantress myself, Jervell Anderson. Fanta is your home for complex conversations about the great areas in our lives, the people, places and things. We're huge fans of but got some anti-feelings toward.

You name it, we Fanta. Nobody's off limits. Check us out every Thursday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your slayware, the audio. That's supposed to be like the law and order sound. So pretend that. All right. Welcome to Law and Order Munch Squad Podcast within a podcast

profile and latest and greatest in brand eating as it relates as it relates to the legal profession. We've already explained finance, and now we're going to get into some legal, some legal matters here on the Munch Squad. This is a brief Munch Squad, and I just want- A legal brief. This is a brief Munch Squad,

and I just wanted to talk about it. Have you guys heard about Subway's Tuna? Huh. That is a delicious creamy treat on a nice hot day. Yeah, what a troubling question. I want to say that I am not lending any credence to this story. I'm not detracting any credence from this story. I'm reporting this story as a journalist,

who is not a journalist, but an entertainer is what I meant to say. This is for entertainment only. So, there is a Washington Post story about a new lawsuit in California, and there's a lawsuit against Subway. Subway has tuna, and Subway's menu says that the tuna is flaked tuna blended with creamy mayo,

then topped with your choice of crisp, fresh veggies. Sure, sure. Okay. So according to this Washington Post report, the ingredient billed as, quote, tuna for the chain sandwiches and wraps contains absolutely no tuna. In fact, according to the lawsuit,

it is, quote, made from anything but tuna. Now, hold on. Hold on. Based on an independent lab test that revealed the so-called tuna is, instead, a mixture of various concoctions that do not constitute tuna, yet have been blended together by defendants

to imitate the appearance of tuna. An attorney for the plaintiffs, however, declined to specify what it is. That's not important. Well, only what it is not, which, again, is tuna. Thank you to Grub Street, by the way. I'm reading the Grub Street report because Washington Post had a paywall

on this important journalism. This is, I would argue, quite important journalism. If there are people out there thinking, I could go for a tuna sandwich from Subway today. This is maybe the most important journalism that has ever existed for those people. It can't be anything but tuna. Yeah, no, no.

There must be a line drawn somewhere. I mean, we're all made out of stardust, aren't we? So technically, there's a little bit of tuna everywhere. In all of us, there's tuna. Every breath you take, there's a little bit of tuna. Like Julius Caesar's tuna club that he had. A Julius Caesar tuna burp, at least one molecule of that.

There's a little bit in there. That's beautiful. It's got tuna flavor, right? So it's got to have some sort of. Well, Griffin, everything but tuna would imply that if there is flavor there, it is artificial tuna at best. But that's still tuna.

Do you know what I mean? If it tastes, people have been eating this for a very long time now and in great quantities. And the fact that nobody's ever taken a bite out of it and been like, this isn't fucking tuna, makes me think that there's probably some tuna in there. Or if not, is a close enough sort of simulation of tuna. That moves with no skin off my nose, baby.

There's also, though, I like that there's this possible history in which somebody handed somebody this at Subway HQ. And they said, what is it? And they're like, well, take a bite of it and you tell me. And he said, everybody's like, well, this is tuna, like, okay. Yeah, I couldn't tell you before in case you didn't think it was tuna. Wait, why wouldn't you tell me it's tuna?

It's tuna, right? Well, do you think it's tuna? Yes. That's all that matters, baby. Great. No, but do you tell me, is it tuna? Well, what do you think? No, I think it's tuna, but is it?

The important thing is, what do you think? The important thing is, you think it's tuna. Tuna is in the mouth of the but-eater. Hey, hey, Doug, you're fired. Yeah, nope, that makes sense. Yeah, no, I get it. I get that, but do still sell this, though, okay? Not because I made a deal with a dark god

to make sure as many people consumed their flesh as possible. What's that, Doug? Don't worry about it. Nothing, nothing. Are you guys, you guys want to know what Subway says? Yeah. Um, there is simply no truth to the allegations in the complaint that was filed in California.

Subway delivers 100% cooked tuna to his restaurants. Well, there you go. Which is mixed with mayonnaise and used in freshly made sandwiches, wraps, and salads that are served to and enjoyed by our guests. The taste and quality of our tuna make it one of Subway's most popular products. And these baseless accusations threaten to damage

our franchisees, small business owners who work tirelessly to uphold the high standards that Subway sends for all of its products, including its tuna. Given the facts, the lawsuit constitutes a reckless and improper attack on Subway's brand and goodwill. Yeah. Subway will vigorously defend itself against these

and any other baseless efforts to mischaracterize and tarnish the high quality products that Subway and its franchisees provide their customers in California and around the world. Subway intends to fight these claims through all available avenues if they are not immediately dismissed. Now, okay, if I may.

That is a very long and forceful rebuttal of the charges. Correct? Yeah. I think we can all agree on that. I was stirred. My soul was stirred. Right. We all feel very confident about that.

It's a really long way of saying no, it's tuna, though. Right? I mean, if it's just tuna, it seems like my statement as Subway would be, no, it's tuna. Just check. It's definitely tuna. But it's like so full-throated. I don't know who they need to sway to convince

that it's definitely tuna. Now, okay, to be fair, just have one piece of printed out paper and someone's holding it. They're a scientist. And the scientist says the facts are in. And as you can read in this printout, it says here, it's tuna. But imagine if you're Subway Justin and you have had to-

Subway Justin. Subway Justin. One of my great characters. And you have more than once had to respond, no, it's tuna. And think about how on the fifth time you've had to say that out loud, you might just break and write like a five-page long statement. Right?

Like, it's fucking tuna. What's going on? It's tuna cannot be stated. This is tuna, baby. On a scale from zero to tuna, it's tuna. Now, it's so wild, though, because if it- there's one of two options. One, it ain't tuna, which is wild, right?

Or somebody was eating it and they're like, this ain't tuna. I want to sue them. We're going to court. I'm doing a lab test. I want to invent a lab. I want to find a shady lab that'll say this isn't tuna. Yeah, this is Bob's lab.

Thank you so much for dropping this off. I did lose the sample, but I tested something else. And it wasn't tuna. So assuming this isn't settled, which, I mean, in my layman's brain here, looks like Subway ain't giving a fucking inch on this one. They're not going to write $100,000, check to these people that say it ain't tuna,

because it's tuna. This is going to go before a judge. And I feel like the judge is going to get a couple of days of the proceedings before he's like, okay, everybody, just level with me. Is this tuna? Is this tuna? No, we're not.

We can be in and out of here, guys. Just tell me, is this tuna? Hey, Mr. Subway, take a bite of it if you're so sure it's tuna. No, thank you. No, we can't eat. I'm allergic to tuna. I can't eat it. Is it possible, because they point out in their response

that there's all these like franchisees, these like independent business owners of the franchise, that maybe the lab just went to one specific one who maybe had run out of tuna and were waiting, and they were just like, ooh, we got to just put some crab stick in there or something. We just got to serve them something. And it was like, hey, what I'm saying is Subway is,

throw someone under the bus. Yeah, that's what they're going to do anyway. Time to, I guess, buy Subway stock. I need to call Jim. Do you want a yahoo? Yes, please. Wait, can we take one? I just need to take a brief pause for an exciting sponsor.

The Disney Plus Network has paid us to run the audio for this trailer that has just come through, and I need to share it with you guys. Just the audio. Okay. You ready? Yeah, sure. I got to cut you.

If you can't be great at hockey, it's like, don't bother. I want you to think about all the other kids who have been told that they're too small or too slow. They just want to get out there and play. Let's start our own team. All we need is an ice rink. You lost?

Should be looking at red skates that's up front. Tell me the underdogs are going to come through in the end. You got to make this happen for yourself. Why do you care so much? Because of you, Karen. Did you see that? Oh, my gosh. Nothing but net.

That was crazy. Nothing but net. Pretty fancy basketball. That's right, folks. The Mighty Ducks Game Changers. Gordon's back. The Ducks are back. Our show will be about nothing else from this point forward

because the Mighty Ducks are back. March 26th, right around your calendars. I know we'll be excited. We got a promo code for Disney Plus. It's just 14-7s. Hey, Justin, are you in a row? Are you just shilling for the show? No, I thought you guys would be so excited

about the return of Mighty Ducks. I'm so heartbroken that you're not thrilled. When you play audio from a trailer for us, first of all, you know we can't see it. And a lot of the times there's... I'll play my camera. Hold on. Let me turn on my camera.

No, no, no. Listen to me. Let me finish. I'll text you some. Let me finish, though. Something funny in the audio happens where it's like, but then they didn't realize that he's a chimpanzee in a person's suit. And we're like, good audio.

That audio was just like, where's the skates? And it wasn't funny to me. Do you know what I mean? Or inform it. It wasn't funny or informative. It was mostly just loud sort of timpani drums. And there was a moment where I thought Martin Sheen was talking and now I'm thinking

that it was maybe Emilio Estevez who's sounding more and more like his father. Right. I think that's what it was. I texted you a picture of Emilio Estevez. I mean, I'll look at a new picture of Emilio Estevez. He's looking great. Gordon's back. And I hope we see him out on the skates.

He looks fucking awesome. Hey, can I just say, if the kind of end of Gordon Bombay's career after coaching... Bombay, there it is. Yeah, I had Gordon Shumway in my head for a long time. Me too, and I didn't want to say Shumway because that's out. But if the end of his career arc is he owns

what looks kind of like a dingy ice drink, this is a depressing story. Well, he's making a comeback. That's why he's making a game changer. How many comebacks can Gordon Bombay make? As many as it takes. As many as he needs. This one's going to stick, huh?

Probably. Okay, I have a Yahoo here. And this one's sent in by lots of people and I'm very excited to read it. It's from Yahoo Answers User. I'm 12, who asks. In parentheses. Star Wars.

Do you think the part where Darth Vader told Luke he was his father, was part of the script, or did actor David Prowse just throw that in and it was so good that they just wrote the story around it? I mean, that's it, right? That's it. That's the tale I've heard. That's fucking a great thing to think about.

Well, you see that all the time, right? You see clips from like The Office or Parks and Rec, right? Where they're just throwing out these like improvised one-liners and they're like, oh yeah, that's cool. That's cool. That's cool. Keep it. And they were doing that on the Star Wars set all the time, right?

Yeah. That's a good point. Originally, the line was supposed to be like, hey, either do it or don't. I don't want to hear anything about trying. And Frank Oz kind of fucked it up and said like, oh, do or do not. There is no try.

What? What does that even mean? That was nothing. Guys, I fucked it up. I said all the words wrong. And they were like, oh, no, no. Actually, we really liked it. We're going to go back and re-record all of Yoda's lines

so that he talks that way. Yeah. Yeah. Job of the Hut was originally supposed to be like, hey, what's up? It's me, the cool worm. Yeah. But then the actor in the big suit was.

So drunk. They were like, action. And he was like, And then I go, you're OK? And he was like, They're like, well, this is good shit. Let's use it. I heard that they didn't tell Mark Hamill, right?

They told him it was that Obi-Wan Kenobi had killed his dad. That that's what it said in the original script, right? Yeah. And then they sprung it on him in the moment. Yeah. Like Luke, I'm your father. Actually, I'm your father, Luke.

What would have been so cool is if Luke, if Mark Hamill had been like, No, I don't know. What? Fuck you. You're not. No, you killed my father. Come on. Do you mean to say that Obi-Wan Kenobi killed my dad?

Because that's what I feel like you're saying. That all that explains why in the moment, if you watch this thing very carefully, right after Darth Vader says, I am your father, Mark Hamill looks straight at the camera and goes, Is someone going to call cut? That's a mistake. Now I understand why that happens.

Now it's in my script, it says, Now I'm going to laser cut you, big boy. So like, I don't know why he said something different. It just says, how about a forced sandwich, which never made any sense to me. How about a forced sandwich with extra lightsaber sauce? And then he kills me. I love it.

Every Star Wars movie and TV show. Someone has to say, how about a forced sandwich? Yeah. Well, it's like the Yippee-ki-yay motherfucker of the Star Wars universe, right? Like, you got to work it in there somewhere. And it's so popular. That explains why even Mando Fett said it in the new

Mandalorian when somebody stole his kid for the 18th time. And he was like, I'm going to get that kid back again. And they're like, oh, Mando. And he said, yeah, how about a forced sandwich? And they said, that doesn't really work here, Mando Fett. And he goes, hey, you're a forced sandwich. And they're like, we'll work on it. Do you guys think this is a thought exercise?

If we did a t-shirt that said how about a forced sandwich on it, do you think we would get sued? No, man, all those words are free. Yeah, it depends on the capitalized F in force. Yeah, no, we capitalized the S in sandwich. No one will see that coming. I just fucking love the idea. First of all, all of his lines were dubbed in by James Earl Jones.

It was a different actor and voice. So I'm not even sure it's a logistics of how this will work. But I like to think- David Prouse could have said anything. He could have said literally anything. But I do like that I did have him just being like, I'm your dad. And then he slowly, like, side-eye looks over at George Lucas, who from his chair is like, yeah, all right, let's do it.

That was just an idea I had, George, if you want to keep it. That's good stuff. Real good. Real good. Hey, give me like four or six weeks. I'm going to rewrite everything. I'm four or six hours. I'm going to rewrite everything.

I did that just to Google real quick. And apparently it was intended from the very beginning because Darth Vader sounds a lot like Dark Father, which is fucking a way better name for that character. This is Dark Papa. This is Dark Father. Hello. Hey, I'm Shadow Dad.

What's up? What's up? I missed a lot of soccer games. Hey, you look hungry. You want a four sandwich? No, I know I don't make a blanket mom does. I'm sorry. I can't be your mom.

I can't put it back together and cut it into triangles. I cut it in half. I can't put anything back together. We've made that very clear, OK? I'm sorry, but I'm here now. Do you want me to toast that? Toasted. I know me making those sounds with my mouth

didn't toast the bread. I can't be your mom. OK? I'm sorry. Now, this is pod racing. No, Dad. OK. No, Dad, it's not.

You're making a pod racing sound with your mouth. Why didn't Darth Vader say I'm your father? And if you would let me, I would love a chance to greet you. And if you want to go toss the ball around, I have to have these big gloves with me. Yeah. That's why he tossed the lightsaber to him and cut off his hand.

He thought he was playing cat. Oh, shit. It would literally be like if Dad was a stranger to us and then kicked in my door and pointed a gun at me and said, come work at the radio station. And I would be like, who are you? What? Well, the original scene was,

there was actually, they edited one word out, which was I and your father. And then he cuts off the hand and said, whoops. And they're like, that might be confusing about his intentions there. OK, let's just cut the whoops and make it seem like he did it on purpose. Movie history, huh?

It gives me chills to think. Classic movie history. And thank you so much for listening to our podcast, My Brother, My Brother, and me. We hope I had this pause to remember the last part because we wrote the book on podcasting. Hey, I want to tell you about a book. The Bible.

What? The Good Book. No, a different book. And it wasn't even one that we wrote. Well, I wrote a little bit of it. It's called Things I Learned from Mario's Butt. It's by Laura Cate Dale. It is a collection of different writings

on video game characters' butts. There's lots of different contributors like myself. I wrote a piece that is, I think, the weirdest thing I've ever written about Seaman's Butt and whether or not it has a butt. OK. If you Google Things I Learned from Mario's Butt, you'll see the link on Unbound where you can buy it.

It's on, I think, you can get a Kindle Edition on Amazon, wherever, wherever you can find it. It's out on Thursday. So check it, check it out. I think I've looked at it and read it, especially my part because there's a little picture of me and it's adorable. But the whole book's great. I think you'll really enjoy it.

Speaking of books, everybody has a podcast except you. It's out now. You can get it at bit.ly slash macro podcast book. Also, very exciting. We're doing a Taz live show, a virtual live show on February 19th at 9 p.m. Eastern Time. It is both virtual and interactive. We are calling it a kind of nickname to choose your own

adventure zone. We're going to reach some moments where you will help vote on what the players will have to do in character. We're going to be playing Honey Heist with our guest Erica Eche, who is amazing and we're super thrilled to play with her. Tickets are $10 and you can get them over at live.themac.com. We've also got some new merch as this is a new month. We've got a boy car pen of the month that's designed by Zach Sterling

and proceeds from that are going to benefit Know Us Without You LA. Know Us Without You is providing food security for undocumented back-of-house staff and their families in Los Angeles. There's also the taste of luxury stimulus wine glasses, which are so cool, and a taste of luxury shirt designed by Kevin Budnick. The candlelight's video on demand is now up for sale. Let's pay what you want and all proceeds will still go to the Harmony House. So make sure you check that out over at macroemerge.com.

And the Adventure Zone Crystal Kingdom is available for pre-order. Just go to theadventurezonecomic.com. That comes out July 13, 2021. Don't wait. Go pre-order it now. Thank you to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. Go to maximumfun.org. Check out all the great shows there, shows like Stop Podcasting Yourself and Judge John Hodgman and Story Break, and a whole bunch more.

All at maximumfun.org. And you can check out all the shit that we do at macroi.family. There's a new monster factory that went up last Wednesday that is, in my opinion, one of the fucking funniest episodes that we've done. I loved it, guys. In Crusade, Kings III. It's so good. It's very, very good.

Thanks. I'm very excited to keep playing that weird game. Yeah, that's all at macroi.family. I think that's it. You want the final? Yeah, I love that. This final yahoo was sent in by the wizard, Ben Cant. Thank you, Ben.

It's yahoo answers user. They are also anonymous. I'll just call them. I mean, I'll call them. Susab asks, Why is there a section for dogs here? There aren't that many dogs. Who use yahoo?

My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother and my brother. May he kiss your dad. School wear on the lips. Okay, that was the show. Hope you had some fun.

Talked for an hour and now our job is done. Go back into the world face the day ahead. Please don't tell our grandparents all the cuss words we said. I'm Jesse Thorn. On the next bullseye, we've got the one and only Ted Danson. We'll talk about his new show, Mr. Mayor, about cheers and about the secret to success in comedy. I mean, I feel like one of your signature comedic moves

at this point in your career is gazing. You do a lot of interesting gazing. I also love this. Gazing. I love that. And if I'm not, I'm going to start because that's great. That's bullseye. Find it on maximumthun.org and pr.org and wherever you get podcasts.